NOTE: I’m not a therapist. This was my therapy.
Some people consider their destiny to always be with a toxic partner, getting swallowed back into familiar dating patterns is the obvious delusion. With a multitude of dubious reasoning, at which you can probably see in hindsight, but your insecurities tell you its easier to stay. It’s easier to stay? Probably made a thousand different excuses: “Covid 19, we both need to take accountability, it’s because they love me, it might work if” … Going back to the same person that knowingly pushes all of your buttons … is easier?? Getting your emotions drained every day like that last sip in your Capri-sun … is easier??
So, you know about the chemicals that are released with toxic relations:
If you’re someone who needs reassurance from your partner and they push you away. You may feel stressed and highly anxious, and your body becomes flooded with cortisol. When they come back to you, it’s like a reward. Your body gets a rush of endorphins, and it feels incredible again. (NCIB)
- Yeah, that’s some REAL shiiiiitttt!?
Also, it’s incredibly hard if what additionally enticed and seized you (a control method) were superficial material things and/or addictive substances. And when they show you constant “love”, “protection” and“attention”.
My relationship with men has been difficult — If you hadn’t already guessed… I won’t bore you with the details (lol yall nosey). In terms of meeting partners I’ve tended to prefer an organic meeting — But this scene is just … kmt. From going from a young party “twink”, hypersexualised, new on the gay scene, reinforced all the fucked up relationships I, and many other young boys, have with men (particularly older men). Aforementioned, I’m not one for conforming or passive victimisation, but was being called “aggressive”, “faesty”, “rude”, “intimidating” etc necessary? Well, boi, that shit was deffo necessary for my safety, so I’ll answer with a blunt: yes.
But I get it: Toxic relationships are difficult. I’ve been there and beyond. I can empathise with friends…that’s a lie. I guess that’s one of the reasons I’m writing this because I can’t. I tend to understand, agree and numb myself because they regard what they’re going through isn’t adequate to leave or seek help. After all, I’ve been through the same? I know how horrible is it. Why don’t I speak up more? So, this paradox jars my head.
It’s DIFFICULT. It is tempting to derive some kind of maturity narrative here: eventually we sober up and grow out of our rash love of intensity (Maggie Nelson, Bluets) She was talking figuratively about the colour red concerning a prospect of developing a preference of cooler “older” tones of blue, but I took this literally and personally; Insofar toxic relationships are like drugs. Pharmakon broadly translates to ‘drug’. However, Jacques Derrida (and others) have highlighted that the greek word refuses to designate if its poison or remedy. Toxic relationships tend to feel like both.
Letting a particular potent person inside your raw vulnerabilities feels like you have been reconstructed irrevocably. Recovery doesn’t start from dating someone else to fix that void they’ve created inside your numb heart. Likewise, excessive drug use or anything recreational to temporarily put plasters over a severe puncture won’t help either. You have to allow yourself to heal.
I have only had 2 serious relationships, but here are some situationships and what I’ve observed:
- complex: someone who can challenge you intellectually, but often really intense and is smart enough to find your weakness and gaslight you in various ways. IE a good looking, educated, bad boy. Usually too good to be true. Hegemonic top; calling you his “princess” and his “property”. . . 100% a serial cheater.
not so complex:
- not so complex: Hippie complex someone who you may deem not challenging or embody similar aspirations or outlook on life. Often really sweet, over-emotional, IE “Hippie”. As a result of underachieving talks bollox about “spirituality”, “frequencies” etc can be jaaaring – when in actuality their biggest epiphany is the splif they gag for
Either way, both sides can be toxic and can make yourself/retaliation toxic. Maybe I’ve been bored, or scared of stability: “You might easily lose interest in relationships that are predictable, stable, and void of chaos.” — (Kristen Hick). Accountability is important — but that’s for another time. I’ve stumbled across another figurative quote, which I’ve dissected into two basic tenets of relationships: Books can act as both mirrors and windows (Rudine S. Bishop)
If you replace books with relationshi
Whereas a window seems to be a healthier way to conduct your view on relationships. Looking into the view your partners perception of unity and collaborating with unlimited possibilities. Glancing intimately into the window of relationships and discovering new things about your other half in ways you may not have comprehended or seen before.
bye felica x
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