Gas Lighting – when the Narc controls the convo behind your back
Narcissism is a very common kind of personality disorder, and it allows the person to use the gaslighting effect. Gaslighting is a term that is not commonly used, but many of have been subject to the “gaslighting effect or abuse” in our daily life.
Gaslighting is a phenomenon that makes one doubt themselves, their beliefs, and feelings about others. The link between gaslighting and narcissism is the “lack of empathy.” People with narcissistic disorder can be very sweet, generous, charming and even appear empathetic. BUT watch out – as soon as they find some vacant space where no one is watching them, they show destructive behavior, including rage and lack of empathy.
Over time Narcissistic abuse leads to self-doubt and results in anxiety and depression. Let us take an example. Let us say your loved one has just cheated on you, and when you ask him/her about it, they ensure that you are wrong and make you feel paranoid.
They say that it might be caprice that you might have been the cause. This may make you feel disturbed and invoke anxiety in you. You start to wonder if the situation is exactly what you have in your mind or your disbelief. If it is a single case, it might be your disbelief. However, if the behavior is repeated several times in different situations, you can detect that the other person has a narcissistic disorder. He or she is trying to use gaslighting on you.
Here is another scenario, when you go to a social gathering and meet a friend who knows you both. The friend mentions you don’t seem as loving, and you reply I think he cheated on me. Their reply makes you more anxious when they say, “I don’t believe you, he is so loving and so caring. I have known him for ages, and he is so loyal.” These words will bring the feeling of self-doubt in yourself and made you feel bad about it. This friend you met in a social gathering is part of the gas lighter’s tribe.
Narcissist and the like to control the conversation behind your back. The friend at the social gathering may have heard what a terrible spouse you are. Unbeknownst to you, the narcissist would have projected their bad behavior on you. Your reputation to others will be different from the reality.
Pay attention to this pattern of “tribe gaslighting” – people dislike disrupting the existing state of affairs, and if they get information that doesn’t compute with their experience of a person – it’s destabilizing, and it’s easier to doubt your reality then to possibly have to face a new one. Treat this as a wake-up call – don’t take your vulnerabilities to people who do this to you any longer, find more humane listeners who receive your difficult words with compassion. To steal a person’s reality is the ultimate theft and violation, safeguard your own.
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