Hack Your Self-Confidence: Simple Strategies for a More Confident You
Confidence isn’t something you either have or you don’t. It’s a skill that can be built, piece by piece, just like any other. By using a few simple “hacks,” you can start to rewire your brain and behavior to feel more assured in any situation.
Here are a few strategies to help you build and maintain a confident mindset.
Hack 1: The “Power Pose”
Your body language doesn’t just reflect your confidence—it can also create it. Adopting a powerful stance for just a few minutes can actually change your brain chemistry, boosting feelings of control and reducing stress.
The Pose: Stand tall with your feet shoulder-width apart, hands on your hips, chest out, and chin up. Think of a superhero.
The Hack: Before a big meeting, a date, or any stressful event, go somewhere private (like a restroom stall) and hold this pose for two minutes. It’s a quick way to trick your brain into feeling more powerful.
Source: While the original research on power posing and hormonal changes has faced some scrutiny due to replication issues, recent meta-analyses suggest that power poses can still have a small, positive effect on self-reported feelings of power and confidence. The core idea is that embodying a posture of power can lead to a shift in your mindset [1].
Hack 2: The “Small Wins” List
Confidence is built on a track record of success, no matter how small. When you’re feeling a lack of confidence, it’s often because you’re focusing on what you haven’t done instead of what you have.
The Hack: At the end of each day, write down three small things you accomplished. It could be as simple as “made a healthy breakfast,” “replied to an important email,” or “went for a short walk.” This habit trains your brain to notice your successes and builds a positive momentum.
Source: Psychologists often link self-confidence to the concept of self-efficacy, which is the belief in one’s ability to succeed in a specific situation. Achieving small, manageable goals and tasks builds this sense of self-efficacy, making you more persistent in the face of obstacles and more willing to try new things [2].
Hack 3: The “Challenge a Fear” Technique
Avoiding things you fear will only make you more afraid. The best way to build confidence is by proving to yourself that you are capable of handling a challenge.
The Hack: Pick one small, manageable fear and face it head-on. If you’re afraid of public speaking, don’t sign up to give a TED Talk—just volunteer to speak up at a team meeting. If you’re shy about meeting new people, just commit to starting one new conversation. Success builds on success.
Hack 4: The “Negative Self-Talk Audit”
Our inner voice can be our biggest critic. The way we talk to ourselves has a huge impact on our confidence.
The Hack: Become an observer of your thoughts. When you hear a negative thought, don’t try to fight it. Just acknowledge it and reframe it. For example, if you think, “I’m not good at this,” rephrase it to “This is a challenge, but I can learn how to do it.”
Source: Research on mindfulness and self-talk shows a significant negative correlation between negative self-talk and trait mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness helps you to non-judgmentally observe your thoughts, which can reduce the impact of negative self-criticism and improve overall psychological well-being [3].
Hack 5: The “Dress for the Occasion” Mindset
How you present yourself to the world can influence how you feel internally. When you look good, you often feel good.
The Hack: Don’t save your favorite outfits for special occasions. Wear something that makes you feel confident and capable, even if you’re just running errands. This is a subtle way to signal to yourself that you are worthy and prepared for success every day.
Hack 6: The “Fake It ‘Til You Make It” Method
Sometimes, the best way to feel confident is to act like you already are. This isn’t about being dishonest, but about adopting the behaviors and mindset of a confident person.
The Hack: Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak clearly. Actively listen to others and contribute to conversations. By putting on the outward appearance of confidence, you can often trigger the internal feeling.
Source: This concept is well-documented in psychology. By mimicking self-confidence, you can get through uncomfortable situations, which in turn widens your comfort zone. Over time, as you force your way through more of these situations, your genuine self-confidence will grow [2].
Hack 7: The “Smile More” Trick
Smiling is a powerful tool. It not only makes you seem more approachable to others but can also reduce stress and make you feel happier and more positive, which are key components of self-confidence.
The Hack: Make a conscious effort to smile more throughout your day. Smile at people you pass on the street, at colleagues, or even at your own reflection. It’s a simple act with a big impact.
Hack 8: The “Gratitude” Habit
Confidence is often tied to a sense of self-worth. Focusing on what you’re grateful for—your strengths, your accomplishments, your support system—can remind you of your own value.
The Hack: Take a few minutes each morning or evening to list three things you are grateful for. This practice helps shift your focus from self-doubt to self-appreciation.
Source: Neuroscientific research shows that practicing gratitude can activate brain regions associated with reward, increasing the production of “feel-good” neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. This positive cycle of thinking helps reduce stress and build resilience, both of which are critical for confidence [4].
Additional Resources
For more in-depth information and professional guidance on building self-confidence, consider exploring these resources:
The Grey Rock Method is a communication and disengagement strategy used to manage interactions with toxic, manipulative, or abusive individuals, particularly those with narcissistic tendencies. The goal is to make yourself as uninteresting and emotionally unreactive as a “grey rock” to deprive the person of the attention and emotional response they seek. This, in theory, causes them to lose interest and move on.
How it Works and Its Theoretical Basis
The core principle behind the Grey Rock Method is rooted in the psychological concept of extinction. In behavioral psychology, extinction refers to the a decrease or cessation of a behavior when it is no longer reinforced. Manipulative or abusive individuals often thrive on getting a rise out of their targets—be it anger, frustration, sadness, or a defensive reaction. This emotional response serves as a reward or “narcissistic supply” for them. By “grey rocking,” you remove that reward, making the behavior unfulfilling and leading to its extinction.
Key Components of the Method
Emotional Unresponsiveness: Maintain a neutral demeanor and avoid showing any strong emotions. This can be challenging, as the abuser may escalate their behavior in an attempt to provoke a reaction.
Brief, Factual Responses: Keep all interactions short and to the point. Use one-word answers or simple, non-committal phrases like “Okay,” “I see,” or “That’s good.”
Avoid Personal Details: Do not share any personal information about your life, feelings, or opinions. This prevents the person from collecting “ammunition” to use against you later.
Limit Interaction: Minimize contact whenever possible. If you must interact, keep the conversation focused on neutral or mundane topics, like the weather or work-related tasks.
Origins and Citations
The Grey Rock Method is not a formal, evidence-based psychological technique that originated in academia. Instead, it emerged from online communities and blogs for survivors of emotional abuse and narcissistic relationships.
The term is widely credited to a 2012 blog post by a writer named Skylar on a website about dealing with sociopaths. She described the strategy as becoming “as unresponsive as a rock” to make an abuser lose interest.
While a number of peer-reviewed studies and scholarly articles specifically on the Grey Rock Method are limited, the underlying principles are consistent with established behavioral psychology theories like extinction. For example, a 2015 study on extinction in behavioral learning supports the idea that behaviors stop when they are not reinforced (Todd et al., 2015).
Mental health professionals and clinical psychologists, such as Dr. Ramani Durvasula, have since acknowledged and discussed the method as a valid self-defense and self-preservation tactic in certain situations. It is often recommended as a temporary solution for individuals who cannot completely cut off contact with a toxic person (e.g., a co-parent, a coworker, or a family member).
Important Considerations and Risks
It is crucial to understand that the Grey Rock Method is not a long-term solution or a substitute for professional help.
Potential for Escalation: When a manipulative person is no longer getting the reaction they desire, they may escalate their behavior in an attempt to regain control. This period of heightened abuse is sometimes referred to as an “extinction burst.” It is essential to be prepared for this possibility.
Emotional Toll: Constantly suppressing your emotions and staying on guard can be mentally and emotionally draining. It can lead to feelings of dissociation or emotional numbness.
Safety: The Grey Rock Method should never be used if there is a risk of physical violence. In such situations, the priority should always be personal safety, and a different strategy, such as seeking professional help or getting out of the relationship, is necessary.
Source
Day, N. J. S., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: A qualitative study. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 7(19). This study explores the experiences of people in relationships with narcissists and the strategies they use to cope.
Todd, T. P., Vurbic, D., & Bouton, M. E. (2015). Behavioral and neurobiological mechanisms of extinction in Pavlovian and instrumental learning. Neurobiology of Learning and Memory, 108, 52-64. While not directly about the Grey Rock Method, this research provides the theoretical foundation for how the method is thought to work.
Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a simple and effective deep breathing technique that can help reduce stress, increase focus, and promote relaxation.
It’s often used by athletes, military personnel, and individuals managing stress or anxiety. Here’s how it works:
Steps for Box Breathing
Inhale: Breathe in slowly and deeply through your nose for a count of 4.
Hold: Hold your breath for a count of 4.
Exhale: Breathe out slowly and fully through your mouth for a count of 4.
Hold: Hold your breath again for a count of 4.
Repeat this cycle 4-5 times or for a few minutes until you feel calmer.
Benefits of Box Breathing
Reduces stress: Activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming the body and mind.
Enhances focus: Improves attention and concentration.
Improves lung function: Encourages full use of the lungs, promoting better oxygen exchange.
Grounds you: Helps bring you into the present moment, especially useful in high-stress situations.
You can use box breathing anytime you feel overwhelmed or as a daily practice for mindfulness and relaxation.
In today’s fast-paced world, stress is inevitable. However, staying calm under pressure is a skill that can be developed. Whether you’re dealing with a tough day at work, unexpected challenges, or overwhelming emotions, these simple yet effective hacks can help you regain your composure and maintain inner peace.
Instant Calm Hacks
Breathe Deeply – The 4-7-8 technique (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8) can quickly reduce anxiety by slowing the heart rate and promoting relaxation. This method is particularly effective before sleep or during moments of intense stress.
Splash Cold Water on Your Face – This activates the mammalian dive reflex, which slows the heart rate and redirects blood flow to vital organs, creating an instant calming effect.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation – Tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, starting from your toes and working upward, can help relieve physical tension that accumulates with stress.
Box Breathing– This technique, commonly used by Navy SEALs, involves inhaling for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds, exhaling for 4 seconds, and holding again for 4 seconds. It helps regulate the nervous system and improve focus under pressure.
Count Backwards – Counting down from 100 or by intervals (like 7s) engages your logical brain, distracting it from stressors and preventing panic from escalating.
Mindset Shifts for Calmness
Practice Gratitude – Listing three things you’re grateful for each day can shift your mindset from stress to positivity by fostering a sense of appreciation and reducing negative thinking.
Reframe the Situation – Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week, month, or year?” This helps put problems into perspective and prevents overreacting to minor setbacks.
Name Your Emotions – Simply labeling your emotions (“I feel anxious because…”) activates the rational part of your brain, reducing emotional overwhelm. Studies show that naming emotions can lower their intensity.
Use a Mantra – Repeating a calming phrase like “This too shall pass” or “I am in control of my emotions” reinforces a sense of stability and self-confidence.
Environmental Hacks
Listen to Soothing Sounds – Nature sounds, classical music, or white noise can help calm the mind. Studies indicate that binaural beats and 432 Hz music may help reduce stress and improve concentration.
Declutter Your Space – A cluttered environment can contribute to mental overload. Organizing your surroundings promotes mental clarity and reduces feelings of chaos.
Use Aromatherapy – Scents like lavender, chamomile, and peppermint have been shown to lower cortisol levels, the hormone responsible for stress. Using essential oils in a diffuser can create a more tranquil atmosphere.
Dim the Lights – Bright artificial light, especially from screens, can overstimulate the brain. Reducing brightness or using warm-toned lighting can signal your body to relax, especially before bedtime.
Daily Habits for Long-Term Calm
Exercise Regularly – Physical activity releases endorphins, the body’s natural stress relievers. Even a 10-minute walk can help improve mood and reduce anxiety.
Limit Caffeine & Sugar – High sugar and caffeine intake can cause energy crashes and jitteriness, exacerbating anxiety. Opting for herbal tea or water can help maintain a stable mood.
Stick to a Routine – A structured daily routine creates predictability, which helps reduce uncertainty-related stress. Morning and bedtime routines, in particular, can anchor your day.
Get Enough Sleep – Poor sleep increases stress and irritability. Practicing good sleep hygiene, such as avoiding screens before bed and keeping a consistent sleep schedule, can improve emotional regulation.
Spend Time in Nature – Just 10 minutes outdoors can lower cortisol levels and enhance mental clarity. Activities like hiking, gardening, or simply walking in a park can provide mental and emotional relief.
Final Thoughts
Staying calm isn’t about avoiding stress—it’s about managing it effectively. By incorporating these scientifically backed techniques into your daily routine, you can build emotional resilience and maintain inner peace even in the face of life’s challenges. Next time stress strikes, try one of these techniques and feel the difference!
Deep mental concentration is the practice of meditation. It may help people relax, practice mindfulness, and feel more at ease with themselves.
There are many approaches to meditation. Vipassana meditation, commonly referred to as insight meditation, is one method. By paying attention to your inner self in a nonjudgmental manner, you may practice self-observation utilizing this technique.
Vipassana meditation is healthy for your body as well as mind, much like other types of meditation.
This essay will examine the advantages of Vipassana meditation and ways to begin using it.
What is the Vipassana technique?
The earliest Buddhist meditation technique used to improve consciousness is called vipassana. The technique is taken from a speech credited to the Buddha himself called the Satipatthana Sutta.
“Vipassana” means “viewing things as they actually are” in Pali, an ancient Buddhist language. The phrase “exceptional seeing” is translated literally.
The terms “mindfulness meditation” and “Vipassana meditation” are often used together, however Vipassana is more precise. It entails accepting your ideas and feelings as they exist while without passing judgment or giving them too much attention.
It differs from other forms of meditation practices like visualization or pranayama (breathing exercises).
You concentrate using these techniques on a job or picture. You consciously instruct your body and mind to carry out a certain task.
But with Vipassana, you don’t actively direct the experience; rather, you just watch your inner self. Helping you is the aim.
Concentrate on the present and calm your mind; accept ideas, emotions, and sensations for what they are. React to events based on facts rather than anxieties or preconceived conceptions to lessen regrets by spending less time thinking about the past and less time worrying about the future.
What advantages are there?
The advantages of Vipassana for mental health and wellbeing have been examined, although not as extensively as other forms of meditation.
Vipassana, however, has been shown to have the following advantages:
Reduces Tension
Vipassana, like other forms of meditation, may lessen our sensitivity to stress.
Participants in a research conducted in 2014 by Trusted Source undertook a Vipassana meditation course. Following up after six months revealed that individuals who had taken the course had lower self-reported stress levels than those who hadn’t.
Decreases Anxiety
Vipassana meditation may lessen anxiety in addition to reducing stress.
14 participants finished a 40-day mindfulness meditation training programme that includes Vipassana in a small 2019 study Trusted Source. After the programme, their levels of despair and anxiety were reduced.
A 2013 analysis found that mindfulness practices, such as Vipassana meditation, may help rewire the areas of the brain that control anxiety.
Enhances Mental Health
Vipassana’s capacity to reduce stress may also enhance other facets of mental health.
A 10-day Vipassana retreat resulted in a considerable improvement in well-being for the 36 participants in 2013 research, as well as a potential, though inconclusive, improvement in heart function.
Encourages Brain Plasticity
Your brain’s adaptability may be enhanced by engaging in meditation practises, such as Vipassana meditation.
The capacity of your brain to reconfigure itself when it senses a need for change is referred to as brain plasticity. In other words, your brain may develop new neural connections to enhance your mental health and functioning throughout your life.
Treatment For Addiction
An earlier 2006 research discovered that Vipassana meditation could help those who misuse drugs. The approach may serve as an alternative to traditional addiction therapies, according to the researchers.
This post does not take the place of your professional
The covert narcissist’s hooks won’t catch everyone, but they’re likely to entrap co-dependent and empathic personality types almost 100% of the time. The covert narcissist differs in some ways to their louder counterpart – the overt narcissist, who is easier to spot with their strong sense of entitlement, arrogant nature, disregard for others and lack of empathy. These folks are loud and proud and have earned their place and title in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The covert narcissist is not recognised in the DSM and often presents as the happy-go-lucky sweetie, an altruistic eunuch or the friendly quiet guy who smiles at you every day. They may appear harmless and unassuming, but they are anything but. They do all their damage behind closed doors and use emotional manipulation to gain control. An overt narcissist will stamp on any random stranger who gets in their way (i.e. road rage) but the covert narcissist saves all his or her bad behaviour for their loved one.
The covert narcissist may say, ‘Oh you don’t want to listen to me go on but thank you so much for being there for me, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had not been there, ugh I shudder to think, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, you are an angel.”. This may make the recipient feel overly responsible for the emotional wellbeing and safety of a person they don’t even know very well. It also moves the relationship from that of a casual acquaintance into something much more significant.
The covert narcissist really comes to life in the bedroom. Physical intimacy and seduction are their main speciality and they will move in on their target quickly and relentlessly in the early stages of the relationship. The emotional connection feels very real and the intensity of it makes the connection feel deeper than it actually is. They promise their new girl/boyfriend a lifetime of support, but when they are called upon to give any, they back away and complain that their partner is too demanding.
In the later stages of the new relationship, there may be random passive aggressive insults or accusations thrown around that are not based in reality but still prompt the target to defend themselves. The attention and blame then move away from the narcissist and onto the target. This type of gaslighting throws victims of narcissistic abuse off guard and cause them to doubt themselves and start to feel they are somehow indebted to the narcissist.
When the relationship ends or when the target wakes up to see the narcissist for who they really are, they’ll experience a range of emotions and are likely to feel very confused. Their mind will be pre-occupied with working out where they went wrong, what they can do to ‘fix’ it, or what can they do to get over this person. In time they will start to experience glimmers of awareness and helpful insights, but for now this person is going to feel emotionally and psychologically drained. Their self-worth has taken another dive, they’re walking around in a daze and they’re feeling intense loneliness. To gain an understanding of what happened right under their very nose, they need to work out how they came emotionally enmeshed with a master manipulator in the first place.
Was the narcissist genuinely INTERESTED in who I was during our time together?
A narcissist is generally disinterested in anyone other than themselves. They have no regard whatsoever for what goes on inside another person. This makes it unlikely that they’ll attempt to find out more about their new boy/girlfriend or existing partner unless this information serves a purpose. This means they don’t care about anyone else’s opinions, values, thoughts, emotions or what their favourite movie is. You can tell them about something that has affected you deeply, but it goes right over their head and doesn’t seem to be even acknowledged. This is because not only is any of what you say of any interest to the narcissist, but they are threatened by someone else’s stuff as it takes the attention off them. The narcissist continues to minimise or ignore the everyday activities, worries or joys of their ‘loved’ one because they simply don’t care, but also, they are mindful to never reward another person’s ‘stuff’ with their attention.
A narcissist is only interested in learning what they need to know to support the illusion they are genuinely invested in the wellbeing of another person. If their partner believes this, (or desperately wants to believe it) then the narcissist can get what they want from them. They have to pretend to be interested in the life of their romantic partner and will be, for the most part, quite convincing if their co-dependent partner is ‘asleep’. Co-dependents are great people watchers but once they start to wake up, their BS detection skills, along with their powers of observation improve dramatically. They are able to see patterns within their relationships and begin to realise that the types of people they have been attracting have all been self-serving, one-sided and in-genuine (including friendships).
The narcissist’s ‘lack of interest’ is really a nicer way of describing their underlying contempt – which sums up all they really feel for their romantic partner (as well as most other folks). Their lack of interest can be detected in a number of ways, the most notable is how they brush over anything their partner has to say. They may respond to their conversation with total silence, by changing the subject, accusing their partner of being negative, or flattering them in an overt way that has nothing to do with the actual topic of conversation. These tactics work well to stop them from sharing their every-day concerns, worries, feelings, emotions or personal goals, or whatever is uniquely to do with THEM, and not so much with the narcissist.
There are only one or two circumstances whereby the narcissist will verbally express an interest in their partner’s personal stuff. Fear of losing their partner may prompt them to act and this is when a suspiciously timed, kind and considerate comment or question will be pulled out the bag. Much to the co-dependent’s surprise, they find out that the narcissist HAD been listening to them during the initial conversation but was in fact saving any acknowledgment of it for emergencies (manipulation purposes) only. They also show interest in their partner’s ‘stuff’ as they judge and criticise it. The narcissist will never genuinely support any of their partner’s dreams, aspiration or decisions because all that is about another person and not the narcissist. If you feel like you’re not being heard – ever – then it’s because the person you’re talking to only hears what they need to hear, which is anything that relates directly to them.
The covert narcissist will appear to be totally infatuated with their new girl/boyfriend, they seem to be in love with the very essence of you, yet all the unique aspects that make a person who they are, i.e., their personal history, what they enjoy doing, their thoughts, feelings and their specific goals, will be rejected by the narcissist when he or she turns their back on any conversation that is not focussed on them or their needs. The co-dependent notices that this pattern of behaviour doesn’t quite align with how the narcissist has presented themselves, but will often dismiss it by thinking, “Maybe this is just his way of keeping me on track and focussed on what really matters”. Which is very true.
The following tactics are used by covert narcissists to manipulate their targets into believing they’re loved and supported instead of being used for gain.
Flattery and Fantasy
The covert narcissist is an expert flatterer and they love to engage in fantasy talk during the early stages of a would-be romantic connection. These tactics are also used by the overt narcissist, but not as consistently because the overt narcissist expects flattery to be directed at them, not the other way around. Flattery is a highly manipulative tool and works well on those who’ve seldom heard a kind word from previous romantic partners or their parents. To be told you are beautiful, sexy, wonderful, funny and smart, over and over again, is a powerful grooming technique when used on the right person. But the narcissist’s flattery doesn’t align with their actions or their responses to actual conversations and everyday reality. Their sweet talk and promises of a wonderful life are an oasis in the desert to the approval and acceptance starved co-dependent but like the oasis, none of it is real. The covert narcissist also appears to be very in touch with their emotional side, and this can be very appealing to the co-dependent who has only ever known overt narcissists and/or emotionally abusive parent(s).
Flattering comments are intended to hit the mark and will be carefully customised around what they think the other person needs to hear. If the co-dependent steps in to help the covert narcissist in some way (as they are likely to do) they’ll be given the “You’re such a good person – truly one in a million, there’s not many people left in the world like you” line, which makes the co-dependent feel accepted, wanted and approved of, and are likely all the things they never felt as a child. Random golden nuggets of acceptance are delivered into the conversation but are often inappropriately placed and non-specific, i.e. the same complement might be said to a random stranger. Comments that refer to ‘being together’ in the future cement the deal for the co-dependent and although these suggestions are out-the-blue and inappropriate to the relationship timeline, they don’t seem to notice because they already believe they’ve met the man of their dreams.
Are they living in the Real World?
The covert narcissist’s thinking is largely fantasy-based, and conversations often revolve around plans for the future or escaping from, or idolising their past. They will draw their partner into their fantasy world where the present is seldom discussed. They don’t wish to know what’s happening in the everyday life of their girl/boyfriend and if they are being subjected to any details about it, they’ll play a mini-silent treatment or quickly change the subject to their preferred type of conversation – one that fantasises achieving the near-impossible, such as winning the lottery. They live their life idealising everything in life they want but don’t have and keep drawing their partners into the delusion.
Poor Me Syndrome
The ‘Poor Me’ tactic works well on the sleeping co-dependent because it activates their deeply embedded people-pleasing programme. They were likely watching their parent(s) from a very early age instead of climbing trees and are experts at making someone ‘feel better’ because when someone else feels OK, their life gets better by default.
If they see an injured bird, they’re there – running through fire and traffic to help. An emotionally injured narcissist lets out a distress signal that only the co-dependent hears. Their wounds are often the result of the unwanted departure of their long-suffering wife or husband. This causes a huge narcissistic injury and the co-dependent is now racing towards them with their superhero cape flapping behind them. They are now on hand to mop the brow of this individual who is clearly suffering. The narcissist is not used to being on the receiving end of suffering as they are the ones who routinely dish it out – this situation is new and totally unfair for them.
The narcissist laps up all the loving concern and advise and starts to demand more and more of it, and all the while, the truth of their situation is withheld or concealed. Being secretive, withholding information under the guise of it being too painful to discuss, or they are not emotionally ready to disclose it yet, buys them time and more attention. The co-dependent fills in the gaps to the story but is often way off the mark. The amount of pain the narcissist expresses makes the co-dependent think that their former partner must have passed away and he can’t yet say the words, ‘my wife has died’. Whatever is said, not said, lied about or fantasised about, their goal is to secure empathy, support and narcissistic supply.
When the co-dependent finally realises that not all is what it seems to be, they have already been seduced, hooked and weakened. If they listen to their instincts and their friends, they’ll soon join the real world and see things as they are, and the ‘cruel’ (or presumed dead) ex-wife will be seen more like a victim.
What Happens when you Terminate a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist?
Here a narcissist’s true identity will be revealed, and their target has their suspicions confirmed – they are dealing with a master manipulator who couldn’t care less about them. Guilt-tripping tactics are used with gay abandon and suddenly the narcissist’s victim is no longer the most amazing person in the world, they are the worst person in the world. They’ll say, “You were all I had in the world, now I have no-one” – even though you first met only a few weeks ago. They’ll tell you how devastated they are and will shout and scream, over and over “What did I do?”, dramatically on the street, or in front of neighbours or work colleagues.
But they are not bullshitting this time, they truly are devastated – they don’t want to be alone, because they can’t be alone. They engage in some self-bashing in an attempt to get their target to feel sorry for them but will quickly revert to blaming the other person for misleading and not being open or honest (which is really a projection of their own behaviour). They will ignore the target’s personal boundaries and bombard them with more ‘poor me’ talk, accusations, blaming or whatever works to get their target back in place. They will make this already exhausted person feel responsible for ruining their life and abandoning them.
The guilt-trips are effective in preventing the target from remembering what is real and what is not and distracts them as they try to heal and recover. Meanwhile, the narcissist won’t be suffering for long, he will already be out fishing for his next victim and he’s very good at what he does.
Repelling or Avoiding the Covert Narcissist
The saying, ‘prevention is better than cure’ comes to mind here. It is far easier to deflect a highly manipulative person in the early stages of a relationship or friendship than later on down the track. The post-separation stage will feel like psychological warfare and the victim will become acutely aware of just how low the narcissist will go in their attempts to turn them – the victim, into the bad guy.
The following guidelines are taken from Dr Todd Grande’s (2019) YouTube video – Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits and details the steps we can take to gently untangle ourselves from someone who is getting way too close for comfort. Most rejections will repel a vulnerable narcissist.
Don’t do things for them that they can do themselves.
Don’t accept any in-genuine help from them.
Encouraging them to make decisions on their own will likely repel them – they want you on board to help.
Keep away from, or don’t express interest in a physical relationship – they will typically want to advance this quickly and they are very persuasive.
Maintain your boundaries, i.e. let them know what is OK for you, and what is not.
Don’t let them do you any favours – this will be used against you and give the narcissist an opportunity to say you owe them.
Put them in their place – let them know exactly where they fit into your life. If they try to gaslight you into believing the friendship is more than it is, or that they have known you for a lot longer than they really have – state the reality for them.
Be happy for them when they do anything that doesn’t involve you. Encouraging them to do things separately from you will repel them because they want you to need them as they need you.
When they try to advance the relationship, i.e. changing the mode of contact to a more intimate one, or suggesting you have lunch in a café together instead at work with other colleagues, say, “I like the way things are now”.
Recovering and healing begins by looking inside ourselves for answers. What was it about us that attracted such a person in the first place? Why did we ignore the signs and our own intuition? Why do we need to pretend all is OK when it isn’t? Have we been seeing reality for what it is, or only what we want it to be? Have our previous partners been looking for love or looking for help?
What do we need to address within ourselves, to make the shift towards attracting emotionally healthy, authentic people into our lives?
If this post resonates with you or someone you know, please comment and share! My goal is to connect with others to bring awareness and choice to those affected by childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse.
Zoe is a Kinesiologist and Natural Health and Wellbeing Practitioner, specialising in the healing from co-dependent relationships. See www.innerhealthandhealing.net to learn more about how kinesiology can help us recover and heal energetically from toxic relationships and previously held co-dependent patterns, so we can live more meaningful lives. Follow the BLOG – “A Recovery of Self” for notifications of upcoming posts on recovery and healing from childhood emotional neglect, codependency and narcissistic abuse.
Photo by Heleno-Kaizer on Unsplash
References:
American Psychiatric Association (2013): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 2013 (5th edition). U.S: American Psychiatric Association.
Grande, T (2019) Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits, YouTube video, viewed September 2019. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzsbviqDEx0
Everyone’s relationship can use a boost. Knowing strategies to fix problems or prevent them is important.
You can “do more” by working on the relationship or “demand less” by focusing on managing expectations.
You can better appreciate what you have by focusing on the positives and what works well.
Source: Jennifer Murray/Pexels
When it comes to relationships, we tend to overcomplicate things.
We start wondering if this person is “the one” and if everything will remain perfect. Inevitably, reality falls short of our expectations. When we encounter problems, it can feel overwhelming. Or perhaps we start to feel adrift in love.
How will you deal with this? What should you do? You could read the scientific literature, go to counseling, or wade through all of the questionable relationship advice, hoping to uncover something useful.
It’s a lot to process, making you want to do nothing and hope for the best. While that may make you feel better temporarily, it’s not what will ultimately make your relationship better.
Ready for some good news? Relationship improvement is simpler than it may seem. It comes down to three basic strategies.
1. Do More
The “do more” types are the people who see a problem and attack it head-on. If you’re this type, you have difficulty just sitting there. Instead, you want to do something—anything. You want to dive in and devote the time and energy to fix what’s wrong. You like to be proactive by looking for what you can add or improve to address potential problems before they arise.
As Nicholas Sparks wrote in The Notebook, “So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day…” That’s OK. It’s natural and part of how people build strong relationships. The work makes it worth it. Here are a few ways to do more:
Doing more in bed: Here’s a fun one: Doing more sexually, particularly in terms of greater sexual/erotic variety, increases sexual arousal and desire (Morton & Gorzalka, 2015). More desire and arousal improve sexual satisfaction by counteracting familiarity and boredom, which helps minimize the potential for infidelity. Win-win.
The four-hour relationship: Doing more doesn’t have to be time-consuming. A week has 168 hours. Start by making your relationship a priority for four of those hours each week to see the benefits. To make that time even more impactful, have date nights featuring “N.I.C.E.” activities or those that are “new, interesting, challenging, and exciting.” Research shows that couples who do things together with those four qualities have better relationships (Aron et al., 2022).
Building relationship skills: Spend some of those four hours each week building your relationship skills. There are lots to choose from, but here are some of the best: communication, conflict resolution, how well you know your partner, how well you know yourself, life management, stress management, and sexual/romantic skills (Epstein et al., 2013). The good news is that most of these skills relate to self-improvement (i.e., you don’t need your partner’s help), which makes them easier to implement. Because they’re skills, it also means there is always room for improvement, so returning to them often is helpful. It’s worth the effort because research shows that the better you are at these skills, the better your relationship will be.
2. Demand Less
Don’t feel like you have the time or energy to add more to your already hectic life? Sometimes the answer isn’t to do more but to want less. This isn’t suggesting that you should throw out all of your standards. Rather, you want to properly calibrate your expectations and be more realistic. Savor having enough.
The “demand less” strategy will appeal to those who realize how their own interpretation or evaluation of their partner’s actions or their own rules for the relationship impact their happiness. For example, seeing a partner’s occasional moodiness as a deal breaker or believing couples in good relationships don’t fight are both counterproductive.
The key to this approach is to realize that, as Hamlet said, “…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” In other words, the problem may not be the relationship, but your perspective. Learning more about what makes relationships work will help.
Soulmate solution? Everyone loves a little romance in their relationship. There are few things more romantic than soulmates. However, seeing your partner as a soulmate can force them to live up to a nearly impossible standard. That’s because no one is really that flawless. Soulmates are allegedly your perfect match—the one person who is best suited for you, the person you’re destined to be with (Knee & Petty, 2013). When your partner inevitably falls short of soulmate-worthy performance, you’re left with doubt. Now you may wonder if this is the right relationship, the right partner, and your relationship may feel like a fraud. All for potentially nothing. It’s unfair. The fact is, soulmates are more mythical than magical. Ditch the impossible standards.
Manage expectations. In the movie “Up in the Air,” Anna Kendrick’s character, Natalie, has an extensive and oddly specific list of what she wants in a partner and self-righteously proclaims, “I just don’t want to settle.” Vera Farmiga’s more experienced character, Alex, explains that not checking every box on a partner wish list isn’t a failure. Unrealistic expectations, however, will absolutely fail you because they set your partner and your relationship up for constant disappointment. Instead, demand less by realizing you’re not perfect, which makes it perfectly reasonable that you’re partner isn’t either. Having exceedingly high expectations and always wanting more can result in not appreciating the great partner you have.
Don’t go looking for problems. Even if your expectations are properly calibrated, you may still be overly critical of your partner and relationship. We have a natural negativity bias that encourages us to pay more attention to the bad aspects of an experience (Rozin & Royzman, 2001). One way that happens is by engaging in “problemicity” or finding problems where they don’t exist. In fact, research suggests that when your relationship doesn’t have any big problems, you tend to overemphasize the smaller issues (Levari et al., 2018). An easy way to demand less is by not manufacturing drama and seeking out problems.
Careful, though: Demanding less is not about disregarding all of your standards. While lowering expectations a bit can improve happiness, if you go too far you’ll surely be miserable. Go far enough and the world’s worst relationship may seem acceptable. Ultimately, the best standards and expectations are reasonable and realistic.
3. Better Appreciate What You Have
Good news: The best fixes are sometimes the simplest ones. If finding time to “do more” feels impossible and your expectations are honestly fair, you may think, “Now what?” Well, you can use perhaps the easiest strategy of them all: Cherish your current relationship. Alan Kay said, “A change of perspective is worth 80 IQ points.” Wise words. Time to get wiser about your love life.
Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Sometimes relationship improvement is as simple as being more thankful for what you already have. Take stock of everything about your relationship that is easy, comfortable, uncomplicated, stable, and predictable. We take so much for granted in our relationship, but especially these basic building blocks. But they are each fundamental to your relationship’s success. Something as simple as expressing gratitude about them (or other positive aspects of your relationship) improves relationship quality (Algoe et al., 2013).
Celebrate the positives. It’s also OK to take that appreciation one step further by doing even more to highlight the good parts. Researchers call this capitalization and find that savoring the good news and positive moments in a relationship boosts individual partners’ well-being and self-esteem (Gable & Reis, 2010). Capitalization also increases the relationship’s closeness, satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment. Ultimately, good relationships have a lot more positives than negatives. We have to take the time to notice.
Use your illusions. Now you may wonder if you can take all this gratitude and positivity too far. What if your partner and relationship really aren’t as great as you’re making it seem? What if you’re wrong, or worse, lying to yourself? That’s OK. In fact, holding positive illusions, whereby you see your relationship as better than it is, actually helps the relationship (Murray et al., 1996). Our overly generous assessments give our partner a goal to aim for that encourages their improvement (e.g., “My partner thinks I’m really wonderful, so I better make sure I am so they’re not disappointed.”), which ultimately benefits the relationship.
What’s Best?
Which of these three strategies is best? Whichever one you’re most likely to actually use. That comes down to how you prefer to tackle problems.
If you’re action-oriented, do more.
Can you be a bit picky, judgmental, or hard to please? Demand less.
If you feel like you simply need to take a step back and reevaluate, take a moment to better appreciate what you have.
Pick the one that’s going to let you get started right away. Once you put that into effect, you’ll build some positive momentum that you can use to add other strategies. Mix and match, or stick with the one that works best. The only thing that matters is that you’re working to improve your relationship. Its future is too important to do anything else.
Algoe, S. B., Fredrickson, B. L., & Gable, S. L. (2013). The social functions of the emotion of gratitude via expression. Emotion, 13(4), 605–609. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0032701
Aron, A., Lewandowski, G., Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075221110630
Epstein, R., Warfel, R., Johnson, J., Smith, R., & McKinney, P. (2013). Which relationship skills count most? Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy,12 (4), 297–313, https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2013.836047
Gable, S. L., & Reis, H. T. (2010). Good news! Capitalizing on positive events in an interpersonal context. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, Vol. 42, pp. 195–257). Academic Press. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0065-2601(10)42004-3
Knee, C. R., & Petty, K. N. (2013). Implicit theories of relationships: Destiny and growth beliefs. In J. A. Simpson & L. Campbell (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships (pp. 183–198). Oxford University Press.
Levari, D. E., Gilbert, D. T., Wilson, T. D., Sievers, B., Amodio, D. M., & Wheatley, T. (2018). Prevalence-induced concept change in human judgment. Science, 360(6396), 1465–1467.
Morton, H., & Gorzalka, B. B. (2015). Role of partner novelty in sexual functioning: A review. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 41(6), 593–609. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2014.958788
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships: Love is not blind, but prescient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), 1155–1180.
Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. B. (2001). Negativity bias, negativity dominance, and contagion. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(4), 296–320.
Psychopathy is strongly linked to aggressive behavior.
Traits associated with psychopathy include coldness, callousness, and manipulativeness.
In particular, callous and manipulative traits are linked with future aggression.
We have all heard the stereotype. “Psychopaths” are crazy axe murderers without conscience. Yet most people appreciate that there is far more to the analysis regarding the types of individuals who are likely to engage in aggressive or violent behavior. Research presents an even more nuanced picture of what makes individuals dangerous, including traits clinically indicative of psychopathy.
One feature of dark personalities, psychopathy in particular, that complicates interpersonal relationships is its visually undetectable presence. Dark personalities walk among us in tailored clothing, carrying monogrammed briefcases; they pass us in shopping malls, busy streets, and corporate hallways, visually indistinguishable from their peers. Yet they are often perceived not through credentials, but conduct. Although antagonistic and adversarial behavior comes in many shapes and forms, there are particular attributes and personality characteristics that make an individual more or less likely to engage in aggressive behavior.
A.L. Robbins and M.M. Yalch (2025) acknowledge that psychopathy is “one of the strongest correlates of aggressive behavior,” and studied which dimensions of psychopathy were most closely linked.[i] They describe psychopathy as “a callous lack of empathy and remorse, impulsivity, and superficial charm” (citing Cleckley, 1982; Hare, 1993). They explain that, similar to aggression, psychopathy has a broad range of characteristics, with the most expansive model describing 18 illustrative traits including coldness, arrogance, callousness, and manipulativeness (citing Lynam and colleagues, 2013). They note that a simpler model conceptualizes psychopathy through three broader traits: boldness, meanness, and disinhibition (citing Patrick and colleagues, 2009).
Studying a nonforensic sample of both men and women, Robbins and Yalch found that when it comes to specific traits, callous manipulation was most closely linked with all forms of aggressive behaviors, such as rule-breaking, social aggression, and physical aggression, consistent with research indicating that callous and manipulative traits are linked with future aggression and antisocial behavior. They recognize that this link suggests a significant personality dimension that facilitates aggressive behavior is the lack of caring for others and consequent willingness to use them accordingly to further one’s own goals or purposes.
As with other types of negative personality traits, some factors counteract adverse consequences and bad behavior. Robbins and Yalch explain that their results illustrate that the propensity to manipulate others without remorse is associated with several different types of aggression, but that decreased self-esteem may protect against rule-breaking and social aggression. They recognize that one way to interpret the modest negative association between grandiosity, rule-breaking, and social aggression could be that low self-esteem drives these two forms of aggression. More specifically, although feeling very little for others contributes to aggression in general, feeling bad about oneself affects rule-breaking and social aggression in particular.
Managing Difficult Personalities
As a general rule, dangerous people in the workplace, school, or community should be managed by trained, experienced threat assessors, security professionals, and law enforcement. Yet in terms of practical considerations, in both personal or professional contexts, anyone who has to manage or interact with individuals exhibiting problematic or antisocial behavior who do not pose an immediate threat is nevertheless wise to consider how to proceed. Although employers, for example, cannot clinically diagnose personality disorders, they can consider potential management methods by noting whether certain behaviors are a consistent expression of interpersonal negativity or situationally specific. Similarly, within other social contexts, co-workers, neighbors, friends, or family members who know more about the source of adversity can brainstorm ideas for intervention, management, or ideally, positive solutions. And remember, ultimately, when practical solutions are insufficient or ineffective, professionall help is available.
Printed with permission
References
[i] Robbins, A. L., & Yalch, M. M. (2025). The hierarchical structure of psychopathy and the prediction of aggression. Journal of Threat Assessment and Management. Advance online publication.
Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.
Understanding Narcissistic Abuse: An Educational Overview
1. Lacking Genuine Love: The Idealization Trap
Narcissistic individuals often feign love to lure victims into emotional dependence. This “love bombing” phase is not sincere affection—it’s a strategic tactic to ensnare you emotionally. Once secured, they pivot to behaviors that can feel like disdain or neglect. Researchers and clinical sources call this pattern common in narcissistic abuse relationships.
2. Persistent Infidelity and Emotional Betrayal
Although not always labeled as cheating, narcissistic partners may routinely engage in flirtation or emotional entanglements with others—often brazenly close to their partner. Such behaviors are calculated tactics to gather alternate sources of validation, sometimes called “supplies.
3. Disproportionate Division of Domestic Labor
Domestic responsibilities often fall heavily on the partner, while the narcissist contributes only to tasks that boost their image—often superficial, performative chores like washing the car.
4. Erosion of Autonomy: Control Over Every Aspect
Victims frequently find their independence gradually dismantled. Control tactics span dictating attire, social contacts, and daily activities. These tactics align closely with recognized symptoms of narcissistic abuse, such as manipulation and emotional control.TalkspaceChoosingTherapy.com
5. Belittlement, Gaslighting, and Eroding Self-Esteem
Narcissists often speak over their partner, downplaying their intelligence or perceptions to maintain control. This aligns with documented behaviors such as gaslighting and emotional abuse—strategies designed to disorient and diminish the victim’s self-worth.
6. Anxiety, Fear, and Emotional Instability
Victims typically experience chronic anxiety—fearing abandonment, walking on eggshells to avoid triggering rage or withdrawal. They live in a state of constant emotional alert. This aligns with common outcomes in reports and studies of narcissistic abuse survivors
7. Public Charm vs. Private Cruelty: The Discrediting Facade
In public, narcissistic individuals are often charming and pleasant. This stark contrast to private behavior helps discredit the victim if they attempt to expose the abuse—friends, family, or colleagues may doubt or dismiss their experiences.
8. Recognizing the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
A well-known model describes narcissistic abuse as a repetitive cycle:
Idealization (love bombing) → Devaluation (criticism, gaslighting) → Discarding (withdrawing or punitive behavior), potentially followed by attempts to hoover the victim back in.Verywell Mind
Further Reading & Supportive Resources
Choosing Therapy: Detailed signs, consequences, and strategies to cope with narcissistic abuse
SimplyPsychology: Insights on long-term effects on mental health, trust, and future relationships.Simply Psychology
Charlie Health: Lists mental health effects (e.g., PTSD, CPTSD, anxiety), including emerging therapeutic programs.Charlie Health
Support & Next Steps
If you’re in immediate danger, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.): 800-799-7233, Call or text Healthline 988
Consider joining survivor resource forums or podcasts—for instance, the University of New Mexico’s Survivor Resource Library offers books, podcasts, and videos on narcissistic abuse recovery.women.unm.edu
TL;DR (Key Points)
Concept
Insight
Love Bombing → Abuse
Narcissists lure you in with affection, then begin manipulating.
Control Over Life
They dominate choices—from friendships to clothing—to erode your autonomy.
Gaslighting & Belittlement
Designed to make you doubt yourself and reduce self-esteem.
Public vs. Private Persona
Charming in public, cruel in private—to prevent belief in your abuse.
Abuse Cycle
You’re trapped in repeated stages: idealization → devaluation → discard.
How To Guide: Understanding the Body Language of Narcissists
Understanding the body language of narcissists can give us valuable insight into their behavior. While body language alone isn’t enough to diagnose someone as a narcissist, research and observations identify specific nonverbal cues commonly found in individuals with narcissistic traits.
Here’s a breakdown of these common body language cues to help you recognize them:
Common Narcissistic Body Language Cues
Body Language Cue
Description
Posture of Dominance
Standing tall, with chest forward and chin slightly raised, conveys a sense of superiority.
Exaggerated Gestures
Broad hand movements or dramatic facial expressions used to attract attention and emphasize points.
Prolonged Eye Contact or Staring
Intense eye contact that can feel controlling, may alternate with dismissive avoidance when uninterested.
Invasion of Personal Space
Sitting or standing too close to others, asserting dominance and a lack of respect for boundaries.
Dismissive Microexpressions
Quick signals like eye rolls, smirks, or flashes of contempt that show disdain for others.
Selective Mirroring
Copying others’ body language strategically to enhance social standing when it benefits them.
Preoccupation with Appearance
Frequently adjusting clothes, hair, or posture to maintain an impressive image.
Restrained Empathy Signals
Showing less engagement, such as minimal nodding or softer expressions when others share their feelings.
Important Note
While these cues can help identify potential narcissistic traits, it’s crucial to remember:
Overlap with Other Traits: Some of these body language cues may overlap with traits seen in confident individuals, charismatic personalities, or even those exhibiting social anxiety.
Patterns Over Time: To truly understand narcissism, professionals look for patterns of behavior over time. This includes a lack of empathy, feelings of entitlement, manipulation, and not just isolated moments of body language.
By keeping these insights in mind, I can better recognize and interpret the behaviors of individuals who may exhibit narcissistic traits, allowing me to navigate interactions more effectively.
