Recognizing narcissistic behavior can help you understand unhealthy relationship patterns and protect your emotional well-being. Narcissism often involves excessive self-importance, manipulation, and a lack of empathy toward others. In severe cases, these traits may be part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a recognized mental health condition.

According to medical research, NPD is characterized by patterns of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and difficulty understanding the feelings of others. (Mayo Clinic; Cleveland Clinic).

While not everyone who shows narcissistic traits has a personality disorder, repeated behaviors can create emotionally harmful relationships.

1. A Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

Narcissists often exaggerate their achievements and believe they are more important than others.

2. Constant Need for Admiration

They seek continuous praise and validation.

3. Lack of Empathy

A major red flag is difficulty recognizing or caring about others’ feelings.

4. Manipulative Behavior

They may manipulate situations or people to maintain control.

5. Gaslighting

Gaslighting occurs when someone makes you question your memories or perception of events.

6. Strong Sense of Entitlement

Narcissistic individuals may expect special treatment or privileges.

7. Exploiting Others

They may take advantage of others to achieve personal goals.

8. Difficulty Accepting Criticism

Even mild feedback can trigger anger or defensiveness.

9. Arrogant or Condescending Attitude

They may look down on others or behave in a superior manner.

10. Envy of Others

Narcissists may feel jealous of others’ success or believe others envy them.

11. Blaming Others

They rarely take responsibility for mistakes.

12. Love Bombing

At the beginning of relationships, narcissists may overwhelm partners with attention or affection.

13. Emotional Manipulation

They may use guilt, shame, or intimidation to influence others.

14. Lack of Accountability

Apologies may be rare or insincere.

15. Controlling Behavior

They may attempt to control decisions, relationships, or social interactions.

16. Extreme Sensitivity to Rejection

Perceived criticism may trigger anger or hostility.

17. Superficial Charm

Many narcissists appear charismatic initially but reveal manipulative tendencies later.

18. Constant Competition

They frequently compare themselves to others.

19. Difficulty Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Over time, narcissistic behaviors damage trust and emotional connection.

20. Emotional Exhaustion for Others

People close to narcissists often report feeling drained or confused.

These red flags have been widely discussed in relationship awareness resources and psychological research.

Psychology Today. Cleaveland Clinic

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What all detours to total-jerkdom have in common.

KEY POINTS:

• DSM-like rubrics are useful for categorizing “dark” personalities but do little to explain them.
• People detour into total jerkdom by way of many paths, some of them opposites — for example, being dominant or oppressed.
• Total jerks take the path of most insistence because it’s the path of least resistance.

For diagnostic purposes, it’s enough to have DSM-like rubrics for categorizing difficult people: If a subject has X number of these descriptive traits, it’s fair to describe them as having this or that condition.

For greater diagnostic accuracy, we can expand the rubrics and descriptions. There’s psychopath, narcissist, gaslighter. There are the dark triad traits and now a five-trait characterization: callousness, deceitfulness, narcissistic entitlement, sadism, and vindictiveness.

But science isn’t just description; it’s also explanation.

The Path to Becoming A Jerk

How then does someone become a total jerk? Alas, by many paths, many of them opposites — unfortunate genetics or bad parenting, too much or little of this or that bio-chemical. One can become a cynical con artist or a gullible dupe. One can end up with so much power they can get away with being a total jerk or so little power they have nothing to lose by being one.

Biography (etiology) aside, is there something all paths have in common, some integrated explanation for how people detour into total jerkdom? I suspect there is.

Being a total jerk is a human thing, a path of least resistance made both useful and possible by symbol-fluency — in other words, the human capacity for language. We humans have something beyond the responsiveness evident in all organisms and the feelings evident in all animals.

All organisms interact selectively with their circumstances, for example, consuming food, not poison; water, not bleach. All organisms let some stuff in and keep other stuff out. It’s obvious why they must:

Organisms aren’t durable objects. We’re fragile and must struggle for our persistence, not just reproducing offspring but regenerating ourselves in real-time, fast enough to outpace the aging, crippling degeneration that eats away at us 24/7.

Self-regeneration takes work. Work takes energy. But energy currents are just what degenerate us.

So we all have to let in the right, not the wrong energy currents. To be well-adapted means being good at just that. An organism that interacts with the wrong energy currents degenerates and dies.

Most organisms selectively interact without feeling or thinking about it. Animals selectively interact by feel, a “yum” vs. “yuk” response — absorbing what feels good and avoiding what feels bad.

With language, we humans selectively interact by means of concepts too. We can conceive of all sorts of possibilities — so many that we’re easily overwhelmed. We can imagine all sorts of real and imaginary threats and missed opportunities. We can foresee our own deaths in ways no other organism can.

Given language, we’re an exceptionally anxious species. A rat is anxious, but only about a few threats. We humans are exposed to so many possibilities, it’s like we’re trudging through an erosive sandstorm of discouraging conceptual possibilities, dread, and FOMO. Compared to human life, a rat race would be a vacation.

With language, we can also generate concepts by which to avoid other concepts. We can engage in threat displacement, worrying about imaginary threats so we don’t have to think about real ones.

Selective interaction in the conceptual, language-fueled realm manifests as confirmation bias, interacting with what encourages us, not with what discourages us.

Confirmation bias is a problem that most of us recognize we must manage. There’s a taboo against saying no to every bit of disappointing news. Scientists, heavily biased against confirmation bias, have become our role models. We learn to bite our tongues rather than spitting out criticism. We learn to apologize when we lash out impulsively against discouragement.

In contrast, for total jerks, confirmation bias becomes the answer to all problems.

It’s easy. To become a total jerk, just double down and out-escalate in every confrontation. Never concede anything, never apologize or compromise. Become shameless and when challenged, be shameless about your shamelessness. Insist that you’re being consistent by declaring yourself rational, more scientific than scientists, even while engaging in reckless hypocrisy. Have proud blind faith in yourself and when challenged on that, have proud blind faith in your proud, blind faith.

To become a total jerk, you’ll make sacrifices but they’re all worth the advantages gained. Conscience, heart, and mind, caring about the meaning of what you say — all of that must go, but that’s a small price to pay for giving yourself and others the impression of having an uninterrupted winning streak.

Taking the total-jerk detour of least resistance, you become challenge-proof, invincible, and incorrigible — literally un-correctible. You feel like a god which is much easier than being human. You can do anything you want and whatever you do is always the best.

Since winning is relative to losing, the total jerk just has to master some techniques for deflecting and discrediting all challenges to their authority. It’s not difficult: Credit all good to yourself, discredit all bad to your rivals.

There are many familiar cliches by which you can pose as the judge presiding over all arguments you enter. Just parrot the cliches. Conscientious people will mistake you for meaning and caring about what you’re saying and will tend to back down.

Externalize all doubt: Make others doubt themselves so you don’t have to doubt yourself.

Pose as the authority. Decent, civilized people trying to connect with you will give up on trying to beat you. Some will join you.

Abandon give-and-take for take-and-take as though you’re on some holy war mission, that makes you holy enough that it’s your dirty duty to defeat everyone in your way.

And what for? What’s your grand cause? Though you may brandish a cause as though it’s so important, it trumps all other concerns, that’s just for show. You don’t have a cause other than keeping yourself invincible.

That’s what it’s like to detour into total jerkdom and it’s good to try to imagine how you too could slide because it’s an option tempting to any of us if we can get away with it.

Total jerks are parrotsites, parasites by parroting whatever clears for them a path of least resistance to wherever they want to go. They’re bullsh*tdozers, bulldozing through everything in their path by means of BS — not caring what’s true, only what’s useful for getting their way.

These days, the sandstorm of possibilities only grows: There’s so much world to worry about, and so many new cliches by which to deflect them.

There’s a lot of talk about how to have difficult conversations with people who have different values from yours. Total jerks don’t really have values.

There’s not enough about how to close the total jerk path of least resistance, how to make it cost a total jerk to indulge in their easy way out.

It’s easier to play God than be human, unless we figure out how to make it harder.

Here’s a four-minute video on what all total jerks have in common.

And here’s my new podcast on psychoproctology: Ahole diagnosis,

Jeremy E. Sherman Ph.D., MPP

Original Article

If you have ever thought, “Why can’t I just get it together?” you are not alone. Anxiety and depression both mess with your energy, motivation, sleep, focus, and even your body – and when you are in the middle of it, the labels can feel less helpful than the actual day-to-day struggle.

This article is a practical, human-first way to sort through what you are noticing. It is not a diagnosis. It is a way to name patterns so you can choose your next step with a little more confidence and a lot less self-blame.

Why anxiety and depression can feel so similar

Anxiety and depression share a lot of “surface symptoms” because they both affect the nervous system, stress hormones, sleep architecture, and attention. When your brain is scanning for danger (anxiety) or conserving energy because it feels overwhelmed (depression), the result can look identical from the outside: you cancel plans, you can’t focus, you feel exhausted, and your body hurts.

The difference is often the direction of the internal pull. Anxiety tends to push you into what-if thinking and physiological activation. Depression tends to pull you into shutdown, low drive, and a sense that effort will not matter. But many people experience both at the same time, which is why the most useful approach is not “either-or,” but “what is most true for me this week?”

Anxiety vs depression symptoms checklist (use this gently)

Read each section and notice what fits most days for at least two weeks. You do not need to match every point. A few strong matches can still be meaningful.

Anxiety symptoms that often lead the story

With anxiety, your mind and body act like the alarm system is too sensitive. Sometimes there is a clear trigger. Sometimes your body hits the gas before your mind knows why.

Anxiety commonly shows up as persistent worry that feels difficult to control, racing thoughts, or mental looping that keeps revisiting the same fears. You might feel restless, on edge, keyed up, or unusually irritable. Concentration can be tricky because attention keeps snapping back to potential problems.

Your body may also speak loudly. Many people notice a tight chest, stomach issues, nausea, muscle tension, trembling, sweating, headaches, or a pounding heart. Sleep may be disrupted because you cannot “turn off” at night, or you wake early with immediate worry.

Behaviorally, anxiety can drive avoidance (not doing the thing because it feels unsafe) or overpreparing (doing everything perfectly to prevent a bad outcome). Either one can shrink your life over time.

Depression symptoms that often lead the story

Depression is not just sadness. For many people it is a drop in emotional range and a steep increase in effort – even simple tasks feel heavy.

Depression commonly shows up as low mood or emptiness most of the day, or a noticeable loss of interest in things that used to matter. You might feel slowed down, foggy, or like your brain is wading through mud. Motivation can tank, and it may feel like you are watching yourself from the outside, unable to initiate.

Sleep can go in either direction. Some people cannot sleep. Others sleep more but still feel tired. Appetite can decrease or increase, and weight can change without trying. Energy often stays low even after rest.

Emotionally, depression can bring guilt, worthlessness, or a harsh inner narrator that interprets everything as personal failure. You might withdraw socially because it feels pointless or because you do not want to be a burden.

Overlap symptoms (where most people get confused)

This is the tricky middle. Both anxiety and depression can cause fatigue, sleep problems, irritability, difficulty concentrating, reduced socializing, and physical aches. That overlap is why “just tell me which one I have” rarely works without context.

A useful question is: when you picture doing something – making a call, going to the gym, answering an email – what stops you?

If it is anxiety, the block is often fear-based: “What if I mess up?” “What if something goes wrong?” The nervous system predicts danger.

If it is depression, the block is often energy-and-meaning based: “What is the point?” “I don’t have it in me.” The nervous system predicts exhaustion or futility.

And if both are present, you may feel a painful combo: your mind is loud and worried, but your body is heavy and unmotivated.

A few “tell” questions that sharpen the picture

Instead of trying to diagnose yourself, try tracking these patterns for a week.

What happens to your body first?

With anxiety, the body often activates first – tightness, rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing – and the mind scrambles to explain it. With depression, the body often feels slowed, drained, or weighed down, and the mind follows with hopeless interpretations.

Are you avoiding because you feel unsafe or because you feel empty?

Avoidance in anxiety is usually about threat reduction. Avoidance in depression is often about conserving limited energy or withdrawing because pleasure feels unavailable.

Do you feel relief after you cancel plans?

Anxiety often brings short-term relief after avoiding something, followed by regret later. Depression may bring numbness or nothing at all – cancellation does not even feel like a choice, just the only option.

Is your inner voice loud or flat?

Anxiety tends to amplify urgency: “Fix this now.” Depression tends to flatten possibility: “Nothing will change.” Either voice can be brutal, but they push you in different directions.

When it might be both (and why that matters)

It is common to have what clinicians call “mixed” symptoms. Chronic anxiety can exhaust you until it starts to look like depression. Depression can create anxiety as you fall behind on life tasks and start fearing consequences. Trauma can also blur the lines, because the nervous system may alternate between hypervigilance and shutdown.

If you suspect both, that is not “worse,” it is just a clearer map. It means you may need support that addresses both activation (calming the body) and withdrawal (rebuilding motivation and connection).

Practical next steps you can try this week

Small steps matter because your nervous system learns through repetition, not lectures. Think of these as “training sessions” for emotional fitness.

If anxiety is dominant: reduce alarm, increase trust

Start with your body. Try two minutes of slower breathing where the exhale is longer than the inhale. Pair it with a simple grounding action: feet on the floor, shoulders down, unclench your jaw. Then choose one tiny exposure – a baby step toward what you have been avoiding – and do it imperfectly on purpose. Anxiety softens when your brain learns, “I can handle this.”

Caffeine and doom-scrolling can pour gasoline on anxiety. If you are stuck in high gear, experiment with reducing stimulants and creating a short “buffer zone” before bed: dim lights, no news, no intense workouts late at night.

If depression is dominant: build momentum before motivation

Depression often requires action first, feelings later. Choose one small, concrete task that takes under five minutes: take a shower, step outside for daylight, drink water, or put one song on and stretch. The goal is not a life overhaul. The goal is to prove to your brain that movement is still possible.

If exercise feels impossible, lower the bar. A 10-minute walk counts. So does gentle mobility on the living room floor. Physical activity can help regulate mood, but it should feel supportive, not punishing.

If both are present: alternate calming and activation

A helpful rhythm is: calm the body, then take one action. For example, do one minute of breathing, then send one email. Or do a short grounding exercise, then walk to the mailbox. When anxiety and depression team up, you are rebuilding both safety and energy.

When to get extra support (and when it is urgent)

If symptoms are persistent, worsening, or interfering with work, relationships, sleep, or basic self-care, it is a strong sign to seek professional support. You deserve help before you hit a breaking point.

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, feeling like you cannot stay safe, or making plans to end your life, treat that as urgent. Call or text 988 in the US for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or go to the nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

If you want structured support that bridges self-help and professional care, Fitness Hacks for Life also points people toward resources and next-step options at https://fitnesshacksforlife.org/.

A closing thought to carry with you

Whether it is anxiety, depression, or a mix, your symptoms are not a character flaw – they are signals. You do not have to solve your whole life this week. Pick one small action that supports your nervous system today, and let that be enough to start changing the pattern.

“Need more than a journal? Theraconnect matches you with therapists who specialize in exactly this →”

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A simple method of cooling your emotional temperature.

• Failure to suppress anger can compromise interpersonal relationships, even within families.
• Physical disposal of written angry feelings can help neutralize anger.
• Retaining written feelings of anger may not reduce negative emotion.

When conversation gets heated, sometimes tempers flare. Whether rhetoric turns controversial, antagonistic, or critical, people can become resentful and defensive. Some people are offended not during a conversation, but upon learning after the fact what someone else said about them. Yet because adversity is unfortunately a part of life, the question becomes not how to avoid it, but how to deal with the feelings. The key to managing anger may be as simple as “disposing” of it. Research explains.

Source: kinkate/Pixabay

Reducing Anger to Avoid Reacting

Many people describe themselves as level-headed or mild-mannered. That is, until provoked. From the classroom to the boardroom to your living room, disagreements happen. The key is knowing how to avoid acting on emotion.

Yuta Kanaya and Nobuyuki Kawai (2024) explored methods of eliminating anger stemming from provocation.[i] They began by acknowledging the importance of suppressing anger in day-to-day living, because as everyone is aware, failure to do so can compromise interpersonal relationships, even within families. They note that failure to reduce anger can lead to rumination where someone repeatedly thinks about a provocative event. They note that such self-immersed, experiential rumination can cause someone to relive past provocation, thereby maintaining or increasing subjective feelings of anger as well as associated vascular responses.

Against a backdrop of research examining effective strategies of neutralizing or suppressing anger, Kanaya and Kawai found that physical disposal of a piece of paper that contains a person’s written feelings about the cause of a provocative event neutralizes feelings of anger, while merely holding the paper containing the written feelings did not.

Kanaya and Kawai had study participants author brief opinions about social issues, after which they each received a handwritten, insulting comment that contained a negative evaluation of their composition. Participants then wrote down the cause as well as their thoughts and feelings about the provocative event. Kanaya and Kawai then had half of the participants (referred to as the disposal group) throw away the paper in a trash can or shredder, while the other half of participants retained the file on their desk. They found that while all participants experienced an increased feeling of anger after receiving the insulting feedback, the subjective level of anger for the disposal group decreased down to the baseline period, while the retention group remained higher than baseline. Apparently, as demonstrated by Kanaya and Kawai, disposing of a tangible memorialization of the experience of anger can also dispose of the negative sentiment. They described their method as a powerful yet simple way to eliminate anger.

Kanaya and Kawai conclude that their study showcases a convenient new strategy for eliminating subjective anger, offering a cost-effective method of eliminating anger in a variety of situations, including everything from childcare to business meetings, as well as clinical applications. From managing daily stressors to engaging in behavioral therapies, this method can be useful and successful in helping people suppress anger, which will benefit personal emotional health as well as interpersonal relationships.

References

[i] Kanaya, Yuta, and Nobuyuki Kawai. “Anger Is Eliminated with the Disposal of a Paper Written Because of Provocation.” Scientific Reports [London], vol. 14, no. 1, no. 7490, April 2024,

About the Author

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.

Online:

 wendypatrickphd.com, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

Our interest in narcissism has never been higher, with Google searches for the word “narcissist” having steadily increased over the past decade. This term has become part of everyday parlance, readily thrown around to describe celebrities, politicians and ex-partners.

A byproduct of our growing interest in narcissism is a curiosity about what types of narcissist exist. But this is where things get tricky. A search for “types of narcissists” on Google returns wildly varied results. Some websites describe as few as three types. Others list up to 14.

What’s going on here?

What is a narcissist?

The word “narcissism” comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a boy who falls in love with his own reflection.

Over the past century or so, conceptualisations of narcissism have evolved. It is now thought of as a collection of personality traits characterised by grandiosity, entitlement and callousness. “Narcissist” is the term used to describe someone who scores highly on these traits.

A narcissist may also meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, a mental health diagnosis that affects about 1% of people. It’s broadly described as a pervasive pattern of exhibiting grandiosity, needing admiration and lacking empathy.

Importantly, not all narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder.

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Read more: Think you might be dating a ‘vulnerable narcissist’? Look out for these red flags

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How many types of narcissism are there?

There are two main types of trait narcissism (which are distinct from narcissistic personality disorder). These are grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.

Grandiose narcissism is associated with a grandiose sense of self, aggression and dominance. Vulnerable narcissism is characterised by heightened emotional sensitivity and a defensive and insecure grandiosity that masks feelings of inadequacy.

Recent models have identified three core components of narcissism that help explain the similarities and differences between both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.

1. Antagonism is common to both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. It’s linked with traits such as arrogance, entitlement, exploitativeness and a lack of empathy.
2. Agentic extraversion is unique to grandiose narcissism. It’s associated with traits such as authoritativeness, grandiosity and exhibitionism.
3. Narcissistic neuroticism is specific to vulnerable narcissism. It’s associated with fragile self-esteem and a tendency to experience negative emotions and shame.

A person will likely meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder when there is a convergence of high scores across each of these components.

Also, while diagnostic criteria emphasise the grandiose aspects of narcissistic personality disorder, clinicians report an oscillation between both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism in people with the disorder.

Vulnerable narcissism has a considerable overlap with borderline personality disorder, particularly in terms of its causes and the displayed personality traits. A person who only scores highly for vulnerable narcissism is more likely to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder than narcissistic personality disorder.

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Read more: Borderline personality disorder is a hurtful label for real suffering – time we changed it

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Are there other types of narcissists?

Given the consensus in psychology on the two main types of trait narcissism described above (which sit alongside the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder), how can we account for the many sources describing other “types” of narcissism?

First and most concerning is the proliferation of pop psychology articles that describe types of narcissism for which there is no good evidence.

They feature terms such as “cerebral narcissist”, “somatic narcissist”, “seductive narcissist” and “spiritual narcissist”. But searching for these terms in peer-reviewed academic literature yields no evidence that they are valid types of narcissism.

Some articles also use terms often considered synonymous with grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. This likely comes from early literature, which used a range of terms to describe types of narcissism. One review from 2008 identified more than 50 different labels used to describe types of narcissism.

Conceptually, however, each of these labels can be mapped onto either grandiose or vulnerable narcissism.

Often you will see “overt” and “covert” being described, sometimes alongside descriptions of grandiose and vulnerable narcissists. Some researchers have proposed overt and covert narcissism as being akin to grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Others argue they are more appropriately considered expressions of narcissism present in both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.

Lastly, a number of these articles describe narcissists by drawing on specific expressions of grandiose or vulnerable narcissism. For instance, they describe “antagonistic narcissists”, “communal narcissists”, “agentic narcissists” and “sexual narcissists” alongside grandiose and vulnerable narcissists.

These descriptions imply each of these are mutually exclusive types of narcissism, when really they should be thought of as aspects of grandiose and/or vulnerable narcissism. In other words, they are examples of how narcissism might be expressed.

The danger of labels

Narcissism’s multifaceted nature has likely contributed to the array of terms people use to describe narcissists.

Some of these are valid constructs. When used accurately, they can be useful for identifying the different ways narcissism is expressed – particularly in intimate relationships, where high levels of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism are associated with perpetration of abuse.

However, online articles that inaccurately describe and categorise narcissism are anything but helpful. This content fuels armchair psychologists, who then jump to assign the label “narcissist” to anyone they think is displaying narcissistic traits.

Even when accurately applied in clinical settings, diagnostic labels aren’t always useful. They may bring stigma, which can discourage people from seeking mental health support.

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The word narcissism became something of a buzzword. And in recent years the word has been popularized on social media and in the press.

As a result, social media and other online platforms are now rife with insights, tips, stories and theories from life coaches, therapists, psychologists and self-proclaimed narcissists about navigating relationships with narcissists or managing one’s own symptoms.

The term “narcissism” is commonly used to describe anyone who is egotistical and self-absorbed. Someone who exhibits narcissistic traits may have a personality disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder.

Over the past decade, the rapid development of social networking sites has caused profound changes in the way people communicate and interact. Social media websites such as Facebook, TikTok and Instagram can feel like a narcissistic field day. In seconds, one can share self-enhancing content – flattering pictures, boastful statuses and enviable vacations – with a vast audience and receive immediate feedback in the form of “likes” and reinforcing comments from followers.

As a licensed couple and family therapist who specializes in relationship issues related to attachment, I have worked with many couples with one partner who is on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. One reason the narcissistic partner is challenging to treat is that they’re adept at persuading their partner that they are the dysfunctional one.

Defining narcissism

Dr. Otto Kernberg, a psychiatrist who specializes in personality disorders, differentiates between normal and pathological narcissism using a framework that assesses a person’s capacity to participate in satisfactory romantic relationships.

Don’t let yourself be misled. Understand issues with help from experts

Normal narcissism refers to a well-integrated sense of self that is generally for the greater good, such as a healthy sense of pride in oneself and one’s accomplishments. Pathological narcissism describes extreme fluctuations between feelings of inferiority and failure with a sense of superiority and grandiosity.

Each person has a bit of normal narcissism within them. This can take the form of having self-confidence and even a modicum of entitlement while still displaying empathy and emotion. Research shows the role of healthy narcissism occurs at subclinical levels in everyday populations and can help motivate people to enhance themselves and to progress in life.

But when striving for achievement or gain involves an excessive desire for attention and approval and an outsize, grandiose sense of self, it is no longer in the realm of healthy narcissism.

A pathological narcissist sees everyone else as an extension of self. Those in a narcissist’s life, especially in their inner circle, must always demonstrate perfection because they contribute to the narcissist’s own self-image. Like many personality disorders, narcissism manifests itself in intimate relationships through the cycle of idealization and devaluation, creating the concept of the so-called toxic relationship.

Finding a victim

A narcissist chooses their partners based on whether the partner affirms their grandiose sense of self. And since having that affirmation is the key driver for a narcissist’s relationship, they are generally not interested in learning a lot about the other person.

The things that attract narcissists are not the personal characteristics of the other person or even the connection that comes from the relationship. If the person has a reputable status in their eyes and they find the person appealing, they are usually willing to move forward quickly in the relationship. Unfortunately, as a narcissist’s genuine interest in the other person is typically superficial, the narcissist often loses interest in the relationship just as suddenly as they began it.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of extreme psychological and emotional abuse marked by manipulative communication and intentional deception for exploitation by a person who meets the criteria for pathological narcissism.

Forms of narcissism

Narcissistic abuse can be insidious and hard to recognize. Since the signs of narcissistic abuse aren’t always obvious, it’s important to name and recognize them.

• Gaslighting: The narcissist uses a manipulation strategy known as gaslighting to make the victim doubt his or her own ability to make a decision or take an action. People use this technique to maintain control over the other person’s sense of reality. When gaslighting occurs, victims are left feeling doubtful and insecure and some even have difficulty recognizing that they are being gaslighted. In some relationships, a co-dependency develops between the narcissist and the victim in which the victim accepts the narcissist’s position of authority.
• Victim mentality: This mindset, which is common for those with narcissistic personality disorder, implies that everybody owes the narcissist something. In my clinical experience, I have often witnessed the narcissist creating a false narrative about how they did not get what they were supposed to get in life because they were wronged by others. This story allows them to feel entitled to have anger and resentment toward anyone, especially toward people they perceive as successful.
• Cycle of idealization and devaluation: Narcissists form polarized beliefs about themselves and others, meaning that their opinions of themselves and others can be exceptionally positive or unrealistically negative.

During the idealization stage, the narcissist creates a sense of unbreakable connection with the victim. No matter what type of relationship it is – whether romantic, professional or familial – it moves fast and has an intense quality to it.

At some point, the narcissist’s partner will disappoint them in some way, usually not on purpose. As a response, the narcissist will criticize every move, jump to conclusions and react dramatically to these perceived disappointments. The narcissist will begin to see their partner as flawed and accuse them of not being the perfect partner they were supposed to be. This phase is characterized by verbal and physical abuse, humiliation, bullying and smearing.

Feelings of emptiness: According to Kernberg, the psychiatrist mentioned above, the inability of narcissists to develop fulfilling and lasting relationships results in a chronically empty internal world.

Narcissistic personality disorder patients will often find themselves “waking up” at age 40, 50 or 60 with a desperate sense of loss. The narcissist often struggles with feelings of emptiness that stem from relying on a false grandiose sense of self that prevents them from being vulnerable. In turn, they project their feelings of emptiness onto the partner in a relationship. Many of these patients suffer from a loss of identity and sense of helplessness and feel alienated from the world.

Navigating relationships with a narcissist

Since the narcissist often develops controlling and manipulative relationships with the partner’s friends and family, the victim may feel reluctant to rely on their intimate circle for support. Finding a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery is the first step to start the healing process.

I have had a lot of patients tell me that their therapists aren’t familiar with the term “pathological narcissism.” If they’re not, I suggest that, if possible, these patients find therapists who specialize in emotionally focused therapy or transference focused therapy. These therapies help identify destructive patterns of communication as they arise during a therapy session, rather than focusing only on interactions that arise outside of therapy.

From my perspective, relationships with a narcissistic partner are some of the hardest to treat. The narcissistic partners are often unwilling to participate in therapy because they will not admit that they need help and find it challenging to collaborate with the therapist. Effective couples therapy is rare but not impossible and can occur only when the narcissistic partner acknowledges that their expectations are unreasonable and destructive.

Here are tips on how to avoid ruining relationships because you took offense.

• When people are emotionally triggered, they lose sight of how their response might affect their relationship.
• They say and do things they later regret because they misperceive the situation as a dangerous emergency.
• With effort and guidance, people can learn to change their response to being emotionally triggered.
• Learning to pause and think through possible responses before acting is the single most important thing to do.

Source: Vitaly Griev/pexels

Many of my clients have had traumatic childhood experiences that left them with extremely sensitive, invisible emotional wounds. When someone accidently touches one of those wounds, they find it exquisitely painful. Their pain is proportional to all the past traumatic experiences that created the wound, not just the current incident, and so is their response. For short, psychotherapists call this whole experience getting “triggered.”

This is very common with people who have borderline or narcissistic personality disorders, but you do not have to qualify for a personality disorder diagnosis to get triggered. Most of us have our own unhealed wounds from our past and occasionally overreact when other people accidentally activate them.

I am focusing here on intimate relationships, but the same principles apply in other situations.

What happens when someone gets triggered?

My clients who get triggered describe a remarkably similar chain of events:

1. The partner says or does something that my client finds offensive.
2. My client gets triggered and reacts by saying or doing something nasty designed to hurt the partner and get revenge.
3. The partner either withdraws or fights back.
4. Sometimes my client later realizes that he or she overreacted and tries to make amends.
5. The pattern keeps repeating until the relationship ends.

How do people who get triggered describe their experience?

Here is a typical description from one of my clients:

Everything happens very fast. Too fast! One minute we are happy, and everything is fine, and the next minute I feel as if I am under attack. It feels like an emergency.

It does not occur to me to stop to think things through. I feel in danger, and I want to hurt my partner to punish them for causing me pain. If they try to defend themself, I get furious, and the situation escalates. I get even meaner. I am prepared to fight for hours even days. I need to win.

Later, after I cool down and have time to think about it, I am a bit embarrassed by my behavior. I often say incredibly hurtful things that I don’t really mean. Afterwards, I just want to forget the whole thing and move on as if nothing happened.

The Anatomy of a Trigger

I have used my clients stories to create what I think of as the “anatomy of a trigger.” Here is the basic pattern:

1. Your view radically narrows so that only the current moment and your response to it seem relevant—like looking through a microscope instead of a wide-angle camera.
2. You feel a sense of extreme urgency and believe that you have to act immediately or else something terrible will happen to you.
3. You lose sight of the big picture and do not see or understand the downside of your behavior.
4. Your basic goals are to take control of the situation, take revenge, punish your partner, and prevent something bad that you think this person might do to you in the future.
5. You may end up regretting how far you took things, if it negatively impacts your other goals—such as having a partner who loves you.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in the treatment of personality disorders, I have developed some methods to help my clients understand their reactions and get better control over what they do when they feel triggered.

Steps for Working with Your Triggers

When I work with my clients on their triggers, I explore the issues I have described above. Below are the type of questions and homework suggestions I use. You can adapt my therapy method to suit your own needs. I recommend that you start a therapy journal where you jot down your answers to these questions, your homework results, and any other related thoughts and insights that occur to you.

Step 1—Identify Your Triggers

1. What exactly are you reacting to?
2. What specifically has the other person done or said that triggered you?
3. Have you gotten triggered by similar things with other people?
4. How often do you get triggered by these things?

Homework: Write down everything you can think of that has the potential to trigger you. You can start with times you were triggered in the past. Then, going forward, keep track of when you get triggered and what caused it.

Goal: Encourage self-reflection and increase your awareness of what triggers you.

Step 2—Why Are You Triggered?

1. Why does what the other person did or said feel so important?
2. Are these triggers related to painful incidents in your past?
3. Think about the details of these past incidents, including how old you were, the circumstances, who was there, and what made these incidents so painful.
4. Can you see how your current sensitivities may have originated in these past traumatic incidents?

Homework: Write down the answers to the above questions and any insights that you have as you do this exercise. Going forward, when you feel triggered note exactly what the person is doing or saying and try and relate your response back to earlier painful incidents in your life that may have sensitized you to those issues.

Goal: Increase your awareness of the origins of your triggers.

Step 3—What Do You Feel When You Are Triggered?

1. What emotions are you feeling?
2. Why does it seem so urgent that you need to respond immediately?
3. What are you concerned might happen if you do not act?

Homework: Answer the above question based on your memories. Then pay close attention to how you feel going forward when you are triggered. Use your journal to keep track of your feelings after every incident.

Goal: Understand the feelings you are experiencing that lead you to act in ways that you later regret.

Step 4—What Story Are You Telling Yourself?

1. Think about this: The strength of your negative reaction when you are triggered depends on the story you tell yourself about how much danger you are in.
2. Try and get in touch with the stories you tell yourself when you are triggered, and the assumptions embedded in those stories.

Homework: Try and discover the story you tell yourself about your partner’s behavior that increases your sense of danger or betrayal and leads to you behaving so badly. Write an alternative story that also could be true which feels more calming.

Goal: Understand that your reaction is based on your assumptions, not objective truth.

Step 5–Do You Notice Your Impact on Your Relationship?

1. Are you able to pause to think things through when you are triggered?
2. Do you stop to weigh the possible long-term consequences of your response?
3. Are you able to consider the impact of your response on your partner and the future of your relationship?

Homework: Practice pausing when you are triggered. During the pause, think about the likely long-term effects of whatever you plan to say or do next.

Goal: Learn to pause to evaluate the long-term pros and cons of your possible responses.

Summary

Everyone gets emotionally triggered occasionally. However, if you frequently get triggered and often regret it later, you may be motivated to do something about this situation. The good news is that with hard work and a bit of guidance, you can update your responses to be less destructive to your relationships.

Generation Jones—those born between 1954 and 1965—has always been a “bridge” group. They sit between the traditional Baby Boomers and the cynical Gen X. In the fitness world, they are the pioneers who lived through the jogging craze of the 70s and the aerobics boom of the 80s.

Today, they aren’t looking for “senior exercises,” but they also can’t train like 20-year-olds. Here is how the Jones Generation is redefining fitness:

1. The Shift from “No Pain, No Gain” to Functional Longevity

Jonesers grew up with the high-impact culture of Jane Fonda and heavy iron. Now, their hack is Functional Training. Instead of just chasing big muscles, they are focusing on mobility and balance—the things that ensure they can still hike, travel, and play with grandkids well into their 80s.

2. The Power of “Practical Idealism.”

This generation is known for being practical. They don’t want a “miracle pill”; they want a routine that works. For a Joneser, a fitness hack isn’t a 90-day extreme transformation—it’s a sustainable Mediterranean diet tweak or a 15-minute daily resistance band routine that fits into a busy career or early retirement.

3. Tech-Savvy Wellness

Unlike older Boomers, Generation Jones is highly comfortable with tech. They were the ones who bought the first home computers. Today, they are the primary demographic using wearable tech (like Apple Watches or Oura rings) to track heart rate variability (HRV) and sleep quality—using data to “hack” their recovery.

4. Protecting the “Jones” Engine: Joint Health & Protein

While older generations might focus solely on cardio, Jonesers are leaning into strength training. They understand that maintaining muscle mass (sarcopenia prevention) is the ultimate anti-aging hack.

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The Bottom Line: Generation Jones doesn’t want to be “old.” They want to stay in the game. By blending the grit they learned in the 70s with modern bio-hacking, they are arguably the healthiest “aging” demographic we’ve ever seen.

Stop Calling Them “Boomers”: Why Generation Jones is the Ultimate Fitness Underdog

If you were born between 1954 and 1965, you’ve been ignored by marketers for decades. You’re too young for the “Woodstock” nostalgia and too old for the Gen X “Slackers” label.

But in the fitness world, Generation Jones is currently pulling off the ultimate “bio-hack.” While the internet argues over Gen Z vs. Boomers, Jonesers are quietly becoming the strongest, most resilient people in the gym.

The “Jones” Edge: Why You’re Built to Last

You didn’t grow up with participation trophies. You grew up with the 1970s oil crisis, the original jogging craze, and the grit of the analog-to-digital shift. That “Practical Idealism” is your secret weapon. You don’t want a “magic pill”—you want a routine that actually works.