Whether you’re doubting your outfit choice, replaying that awkward thing you said in a meeting, or questioning whether you deserve your accomplishments, insecurity shows up uninvited in countless ways. While we’d love to promise a magic cure that eliminates insecurity forever, the reality is more nuanced—and ultimately more hopeful.
Understanding what insecurity is, why it happens, and how to manage it effectively can transform your relationship with these uncomfortable feelings and help you live more authentically.
What Is Insecurity? The Psychology Explained
According to the American Psychological Association, insecurity occurs when you feel inadequate and not confident in yourself. It’s paired with “general uncertainty and anxiety about one’s goals, abilities, or relationships with others.”
The Nature of Insecurity
Insecurity isn’t a permanent character flaw or a sign that something is fundamentally wrong with you. Research from the journal Frontiers in Psychology found that insecurities reflect vulnerability factors in how we perceive ourselves, relationships, and our place in the world.
A comprehensive study published in Social Psychology of Education revealed that self-esteem—closely related to insecurity—is multifaceted, encompassing both level (how high or low it is) and stability (how much it fluctuates). This research helps explain why insecurity can feel so variable, intense one moment and manageable the next.
Secure vs. Fragile Self-Worth
Not all self-esteem is created equal. Research from the University of Georgia published in the Journal of Personality distinguished between secure and fragile high self-esteem.
Secure self-esteem: People accept themselves “warts and all” and feel less threatened by challenges. They’re less likely to be defensive when discussing past mistakes or threatening experiences.
Fragile self-esteem: Despite appearing confident, these individuals compensate for self-doubts by excessively defending, protecting, and enhancing their feelings of self-worth. Their self-esteem is contingent—dependent on external validation or specific achievements.
The research found that fragile high self-esteem relates to lower psychological well-being and life satisfaction. As lead researcher Michael Kernis noted, “When feeling good about themselves becomes a prime directive, for these people excessive defensiveness and self-promotion are likely to follow.”
How Insecurity Limits Your Life
You might have noticed that when you feel insecure, you avoid certain situations or make decisions that aren’t really in your best interest, says therapist Amalia Miralrío, LCSW, founder of Amity Detroit Counseling.
The Cost of Unchecked Insecurity
“Left unchecked, insecurities can limit our capacity to live our lives authentically,” Miralrío explains. “They can limit our ability to take risks in relationships, at school, or at work, as well as in our self-expression. They can stop us from speaking up, showing up on a date, or communicating our feelings.”
Real-world examples:
Not applying for a job you’re qualified for because you doubt your abilities
Skipping networking events convinced your small talk skills are inadequate
Avoiding vulnerability in relationships due to fear of rejection
Staying silent when you have valuable contributions to offer
Sabotaging opportunities before they can “expose” your perceived inadequacy
The Research on Insecurity’s Impact
A study in Journal of Research in Personality found that contingent self-esteem—when your self-worth depends on specific domains like academic performance or physical appearance—creates psychological vulnerability. When you inevitably experience setbacks in these areas, your self-esteem plummets.
Research published in ScienceDirect identified specific “insecurity orientations” that people develop: some worry primarily about relationships, others about meaning and purpose, others about self-worth. These patterns affect not just how you feel but also how you navigate life’s challenges and opportunities.
The Good News: Insecurity Is Manageable
Insecurity may be limiting your potential, but you’re not a lost cause. A comprehensive review in American Psychologist by UC Davis researchers Richard Robins and Ulrich Orth found that people with higher self-esteem generally have more success at school and work, better social relationships, improved mental and physical health, and less anti-social behavior.
Critically, this research showed that even small improvements in self-esteem accumulate over time, creating substantial life benefits. “Just looking at a year of a person’s life, there might be a small benefit to feeling good about yourself,” Robins said. “But if you look across the next 30 years and consider how that benefit accumulates… those cumulative benefits may be quite strong.”
The strategies that follow are designed to help you build that secure, stable self-esteem that research shows matters for long-term wellbeing.
10 Therapist-Approved Strategies for Managing Insecurity
Remember: it’s not possible to stop being insecure for the rest of your life. You are not a robot! But you can learn to cope better when insecurity surfaces. Here’s how, backed by research and clinical expertise.
1. Allow Yourself to Explore the Rabbit Hole
The strategy: Instead of pushing insecurities away, use them as signals indicating areas of your life that need attention.
Why it works: “Sometimes pushing insecurities away only makes them stronger,” says Miralrío. Research in Frontiers in Psychology found that avoidance of uncomfortable emotions actually strengthens them over time, while turning toward discomfort with curiosity can reduce its power.
How to practice: When insecurity arises—say, doubting your writing abilities—dig deeper rather than dismissing the feeling:
- What type of people could have citicized your your writing?
- Do you feel their opinion is worth your time ?
- Where did this belief about your abilities originate?
Turning toward the discomfort and looking your insecurity square in the face is a necessary first step in eventually melting it away.
The research: Studies on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) show that psychological flexibility—the ability to be present with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings without being controlled by them—predicts better mental health outcomes and life satisfaction.
2. Find the Lesson in Comparison
The strategy: When comparison triggers insecurity, reframe it as information about your values and use it constructively.
Why it works: You can’t just turn off your brain when you see someone’s Instagram post about their dream house. But research in Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts found that how we respond to comparison—whether with defensiveness or curiosity—determines whether it damages or informs us.
How to practice:
First reframe: When you’re getting down on yourself for not being or doing “enough,” put things in perspective. You don’t know everything about this person’s life, especially when updates come from social media, notes therapist Sarah Trepp, LCSW. Sure, they may be living in a house you love, but maybe their world isn’t so shiny in other areas. You don’t have the full picture.
Second reframe: Use your comparison—and the insecurity that tags along—as information. What is this trying to tell you? Feeling insecure perhaps reveals what you want and value, says Trepp. Use that as motivation and inspiration for the future, not as fuel to tear yourself down in the present.
The research: A meta-analysis in Frontiers in Psychology examining self-compassion and self-esteem found that self-compassionate responses to perceived inadequacy (treating yourself kindly rather than harshly) lead to better psychological outcomes than either self-criticism or defensive self-enhancement.
3. Don’t Let Criticism Crush You
The strategy: When receiving negative feedback, separate the information from the delivery and avoid personalizing unnecessarily.
Why it works: Getting not-so-great feedback can be a huge insecurity trigger. Research in Psychological Science found that people with fragile self-esteem are particularly defensive and threatened by criticism, while those with secure self-esteem can extract useful information without feeling attacked.
How to practice: Let’s say your boss’s tone was harsh when she told you to speak up more in meetings. Trepp suggests trying your best not to take what someone said (or how they said it) personally.
Consider context: You don’t know how her day went—maybe outside factors made her come off a bit mean. It may not even be about you!
Find the useful: Even if you know the criticism was valid, try to find something, anything, useful from this feedback. Insecurity wants you to believe you’re on the brink of getting fired or that you flat-out fail at your job. Focusing on what you can do with this feedback (rather than just internalizing it) can help you feel a little more capable.
The research: Studies on growth mindset show that viewing challenges and feedback as opportunities for development rather than judgments of fixed abilities leads to better performance and lower anxiety over time.
4. Prove Your Insecurity Wrong Through Action
The strategy: Gradually do things that make you feel insecure to build confidence through experience.
Why it works: “You are showing yourself that you can make it through the challenging situations that bring up the insecurity and feel a sense of accomplishment after reflecting on how that experience went,” says Trepp. “We are so much more capable than insecurities make us believe.”
Research in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology on self-efficacy—belief in your ability to succeed—shows that mastery experiences (actually doing something successfully) are the most powerful source of confidence.
How to practice: You don’t have to dive right into the deep end. Start slow with graduated exposure.
Example: Public speaking insecurity You sweat, you stutter, you’re easily distracted. Work your way up:
- Tell a group of coworkers you barely know about your weekend
- Pitch a marketing plan in front of your boss
- Attend a small open mic or speaking event
- Eventually work up to larger presentations
Each small success builds evidence against your insecurity.
The research: Systematic desensitization and exposure therapy—gradually facing feared situations—have decades of research support for reducing anxiety and building confidence. The key is starting with manageable challenges and progressively increasing difficulty.
5. Flip the Script on Negative Self-Talk
The strategy: When negative self-talk emerges, actively generate counter-evidence.
Why it works: Insecurity fuels negative self-talk, creating biased thinking patterns. Research on cognitive behavioral therapy shows that challenging automatic negative thoughts reduces their believability and emotional impact.
How to practice: As licensed clinical psychologist Nicole Hayes, PhD suggests: “Instead of thinking of all the reasons someone wouldn’t want to hang out with you, ask yourself to come up with all the reasons they would: I tell good jokes, I am kind, I care about my friends, I bring joy to people around me.”
Apply to different domains:
Career insecurity: Instead of ruminating on why you shouldn’t be hired, ask yourself why you’re a good fit: relevant background, team player, passionate about the field, quick learner
Relationship insecurity: Rather than assuming rejection, identify reasons someone would value you: good listener, supportive, genuine, fun to be around
Skill insecurity: Counter thoughts of incompetence with evidence of growth, past successes, and learning capacity
The research: A meta-analysis in Clinical Psychology Review found that cognitive restructuring—identifying and challenging negative thoughts—is one of the most effective components of therapy for anxiety and depression.
6. Ask Yourself Clarifying Questions
The strategy: When insecurity blocks decision-making, use a series of questions to cut through fear and find clarity.
Why it works: Insecurity often masquerades as practical concern, making it hard to distinguish between genuine concerns and fear-based avoidance. Structured questioning helps separate the two.
How to practice: Therapist Aisha R. Shabazz, LCSW, owner of In Real Time Wellness, recommends this questioning sequence when facing a decision:
Question 1: What would you do if you weren’t afraid of being vulnerable? Sometimes insecurity blocks us from even considering our true desires. This question bypasses that defense.
Question 2: What’s holding you back from making this decision? If fear of judgment is at the root of your insecurity, you’re letting external opinions dictate your choices.
Question 3: How is this choice beneficial for me? Literally list out pros and cons. This reality check helps you see whether you’re avoiding something that would genuinely benefit you just to dodge discomfort.
Question 4: Is this going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? This temporal perspective helps distinguish between fleeting discomfort and long-term impact. If going back to school would improve your life long-term, even if you feel insecure about making the move right now, you’d be selling yourself short by avoiding it.
The research: Research on decision-making shows that structured decision analysis improves outcomes and reduces post-decision regret compared to avoidant or impulsive choices.
7. Check In With Your Support System
The strategy: Share your insecurity with trusted people for perspective and reassurance.
Why it works: “Sometimes saying your insecurity out loud to someone who cares about you can put into perspective how out of touch with reality it truly is,” explains Miralrío. It can stop your insecurity from spiraling.
Research in Group Dynamics: Theory, Research, and Practice shows that social support buffers against the negative effects of stress and insecurity, providing both emotional validation and practical perspective.
How to practice:
Direct support: When possible, share what you’re feeling with someone close: “I’m feeling really insecure about this presentation” or “I keep doubting whether I’m good at my job.”
Grounding exercise when support isn’t immediately available: Dr. Hayes recommends a technique for tapping into the love your people would offer:
Place your feet firmly on the ground
Feel the connection, knowing it’s the same ground your friends and family stand on
Imagine their warmth and support running from the ground they stand on, through the floor your feet are on, and right up into you
Important boundary note: If you notice that your inner circle actually includes people who make you feel insecure, maybe it’s time to reassess how much time you spend with them, notes Trepp. You don’t have to go no contact, but you can set boundaries. For example, if your friend’s partner interrogates you about your life choices, maybe only see them in group settings where other friends can act as a buffer.
The research: Longitudinal studies show that perceived social support predicts better mental health outcomes, faster recovery from stressful events, and even physical health benefits like stronger immune function.
8. Use Body Language to Signal Safety to Your Nervous System
The strategy: Communicate confidence to yourself through your physical posture and presence.
Why it works: Feeling insecure often signals to your body that you’re unsafe, leaving you tense, guarded, and shrunken. Research on embodied cognition shows that body posture influences emotional states bidirectionally—your feelings affect your body, but your body also affects your feelings.
How to practice: Dr. Hayes suggests: “Practice communicating to yourself that you are confident by standing up straight, orienting yourself to anyone you’re talking to, and unclenching your muscles.”
Specific techniques:
Stand or sit with your shoulders back and head up
Make appropriate eye contact
Keep your arms uncrossed and open
Take up space rather than making yourself small
Breathe deeply into your belly rather than shallow chest breathing
Relax clenched jaw and fists
This tells your body that this situation is safe and calm, reducing physiological anxiety symptoms.
The research: While the “power posing” research has been controversial, more recent studies confirm that open, expansive postures reduce cortisol (stress hormone) and increase feelings of confidence and power compared to closed, contracted postures.
9. Document Positive Experiences and Counter-Evidence
The strategy: Regularly write down experiences that challenge your insecurities and the positive feedback you receive.
Why it works: Just as intentionally noting gratitude increases feelings of appreciation, documenting experiences that counter your insecurities helps you internalize them over time.
Research on gratitude journaling shows that the practice actually rewires neural pathways, making it easier to notice positive experiences and feel them more significantly.
How to practice: Dr. Hayes recommends spending a few minutes every night reflecting on:
Reassuring experiences from the day
Positive feedback you received from anyone
Moments when you handled something well
Evidence that contradicts your insecurities
Self-love affirmations that resonate
Why this works long-term: Not only can this practice help you believe in yourself in the moment, but looking back at your entries can snap you out of an insecurity spiral when you’re struggling.
The research: A study in Journal of Happiness Studies found that expressive writing about positive experiences and personal strengths increased life satisfaction and decreased depressive symptoms, with effects lasting months after the intervention ended.
10. Explore the Root Causes (Ideally in Therapy)
The strategy: Understand where your specific insecurities originated to address them at their source.
Why it works: “One of the best long-term ways of managing insecurities is to understand their deeper roots in our minds,” says Miralrío. “The insecurities we feel in daily life are oftentimes symptoms of deeper fears and beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.”
Research on schema therapy and psychodynamic approaches shows that understanding the origins of maladaptive beliefs makes them less powerful and easier to modify.
How to practice:
In therapy: Therapy is the ideal container for exploring how your upbringing and life experiences shaped what you feel insecure about. A therapist can help you:
Identify patterns across different insecurities
Connect current feelings to past experiences
Understand family and cultural messages you internalized
Develop self-compassion for why you developed these protections
Create new, healthier beliefs about yourself
Self-reflection if therapy isn’t accessible: Miralrío recommends creating space to reflect on:
What you believe about yourself currently
How that’s changed over time
When you can remember first believing that particular thing about yourself
What messages you received growing up about this aspect of yourself
How your insecurities protect you (what do they help you avoid?)
“Sometimes tapping into a younger self can increase your ability to have self-compassion with your current self,” she notes.
The research: Multiple meta-analyses show that therapy effectively treats low self-esteem and insecurity. Cognitive behavioral therapy, schema therapy, and compassion-focused therapy all show strong evidence for improving self-esteem and reducing insecurity’s impact on functioning.
Understanding Different Types of Insecurity
Research published in Personality and Individual Differences identified three main “insecurity orientations” that people experience:
How to practice:
Primarily concerned with relationships, belonging, and social acceptance. These individuals fear rejection, abandonment, or a lack of value from others.
How to practice:
F- Meaning Insecurity: focused on existential concerns, purpose, and whether their life matters. These individuals question their significance and whether they’re living authentically.
Self-Worth Insecurity
Centered on competence, adequacy, and fundamental value as a person. These individuals doubt their abilities and whether they deserve good things.
Most people experience all three types at different times, but often one predominates. Understanding your primary insecurity orientation can help target interventions more effectively.
The Role of Self-Compassion
A comprehensive review published in Frontiers in Psychology found that self-compassion—treating yourself with kindness rather than harsh self-criticism—was as strongly associated with well-being as self-esteem, but with significant differences.
Compassion includes:
Self-kindness rather than self-judgment
Common humanity (recognizing struggle as part- of the human experience)
Mindfulness rather than over-identification with complex thoughts
The research showed that self-compassion provides resilience benefits without the downsides of contingent self-esteem. Unlike self-esteem, which often depends on performance or comparison, self-compassion remains stable even when you fail or struggle.
Practicing Self-Compassion
When insecurity strikes, try this self-compassion break:
Acknowledge: “This is a moment of suffering” or “This is difficult”
Normalize: “Insecurity is part of being human” or “Many people feel this way.”
Offer kindness: “May I be kind to myself,” or “May I give myself the compassion I need”
When Insecurity Becomes a Bigger Problem
While everyone experiences insecurity, sure signs indicate you might benefit from professional support:
Warning signs:-
Insecurity is significantly limiting your life (avoiding opportunities, relationships, or experiences)
You experience intense, persistent anxiety related to insecurity
Insecurity is affecting your work performance or career progression
Your relationships are suffering due to jealousy or constant reassurance-seeking
You engage in harmful behaviors to cope (disordered eating, substance use, self-harm)
You have intrusive, overwhelming thoughts about your inadequacy
Insecurity has persisted for months or years despite self-help efforts
A study in Journal of Counseling Psychology found that even brief interventions targeting low self-esteem can produce significant improvements in wellbeing and functioning.
Key Takeaways
What research tells us:
Insecurity is universal and doesn’t mean something is wrong with you
Secure self-esteem predicts better life outcomes than fragile, contingent self-esteem
Small improvements in self-esteem accumulate into substantial long-term benefits
Self-compassion provides resilience without requiring constant validation
Understanding insecurity’s roots makes it easier to manage
Evidence-based strategies:
Explore insecurity rather than avoiding it
Reframe comparison as information about values
Extract useful information from criticism without personalizing
Gradually face feared situations to build confidence
Challenge negative self-talk with counter-evidence
Use clarifying questions to cut through fear
Seek support and perspective from trusted people
Use body language to signal safety to yourself
Document positive experiences and feedback
Explore deeper roots, ideally in therapy
Remember:
You can’t eliminate insecurity forever, but you can manage it effectively
Building confidence is a gradual process, not an instant transformation
Small, consistent efforts compound over time
Self-compassion matters as much as self-esteem
Professional support accelerates progress and provides structured guidance
You’re capable of far more than insecurity makes you believe
If you’re struggling: Consider reaching out to a licensed therapist who specializes in self-esteem, anxiety, or cognitive behavioral therapy. Many therapists now offer online sessions, making support more accessible than ever.
Crisis Resources:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357
Disclaimer: This article provides educational information about managing insecurity and should not replace professional mental health treatment. If insecurity is significantly impacting your functioning or wellbeing, please consult with a mental care professional
