6 Ways to Talk to Someone You’re Worried About

Six tips when talking to someone you’re worried about.

THE BASICS

Source: Curious Colleciibles /Pixabay

Kate’s best friend at work is Simone, and she’s worried about her. At the last staff meeting, Simone made some comments that seemed inappropriate and out of context to the discussion. Knowing Simone’s history, she’s wondering if Simone was high on something.

Carly noticed that her husband, Jack, had been racking up a lot of purchases on the credit card. She knows he has a history of impulsive buying.

If you care about someone, you naturally worry about them: You worry about your sister who’s been drinking too much, your best friend who is engaging in unsafe sex or hanging out with the wrong crowd, your father who has had a chronic cough but refuses to go to the doctor. You’re worried and frustrated. When you’ve tried to bring it up, they either:

• Deny what you’re saying: That’s not true
• Minimize what’s happening: It was one time
• Or simply cut off the conversation: I don’t want to talk about this

Conversations like these have two built-in challenges. First, at this starting point, your concern is your problem, not theirs (or they’d be working on it). Second, when you bring it up, they likely feel criticized or micromanaged and become defensive.

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Here are six suggestions that may help:

1. Talk About and Own Your Worry

The key starting point is acknowledging that this is your worry, not necessarily theirs: There’s something that’s been worrying me for a while. If you start by saying I think you have a problem, the other person will reflexively become defensive.

2. Talk About Behaviors, Not Your Assumed Underlying Motivations

Kate talks about the staff meeting. Carly shows Jack the credit card statement. You say to your sister that she was actually staggering at the family party and that others noticed. Your friend told you last week that she is afraid she might, yet again, be pregnant. Or say to your father that he mentioned that he feels his cough is getting worse. Stick to the facts rather than your assumptions about the underlying problem—that Simone is addicted, that Jack is depressed, that your friend is still struggling with her divorce, or your father has always had some phobia about doctors. You can sidestep getting in the weeds of whose reality is right.

3. Avoid Using The Words You and Should

Anytime you say “you,” you’re pointing your finger at the other person. Saying “should” sounds like a command that usually triggers a lot of psychological baggage. Instead, use I. And use words that convey soft emotions like worry and concern, rather than hard emotions like anger and frustration.

By changing your language, you change the tone.

4. Tie Your Problem to Theirs; Focus on Ends, Not Means

Kate knows that Simone is hoping to get a promotion. Carly and Jack have been planning on buying a house.

Rather than Kate harping on her worry about Simone’s substance use, she ties her concern to Simone’s desire to be promoted: I’m worried that your comments in the staff meeting might change their view of you.

Similarly, Jack says: We both agree that we want to buy a house; I’m worried about the spending, and I’m concerned that this will affect our credit rating.

You don’t want to sweep your bigger concerns under the rug, but as a starting point, focus on what might motivate them—their problems—rather than yours.

Stay focused on ends, not means. Rather than pushing Simone, Jack, your friend, and your dad to get into therapy, make sure they hear your biggest concern.

5. If They Get Defensive

Despite your noble efforts to do it right, they can become emotionally triggered. This may be time for first aid. The topic is no longer on the table; the problem now is the emotion. Though you tend to push harder with your argument or talk louder, don’t. Instead, ask in a calm voice why they are upset. Then, let them vent; apologize if you sounded too critical or scolding, or violated the boundaries of the relationship.

This is not about giving up but simply fixing the emotional problem in the room. You can always circle back.

6. Listen and Ask How to Help

You’ve done your best to get your concerns on the table; you circle back. Next steps? The next steps are theirs—they say they appreciate what you said; they squabble over facts; they get angry or change topics as though you’ve never even said anything.

Whatever the response, your response is just to listen and see what unfolds; their reactions will tell you the next steps—leave them alone, offer to help, avoid as best you can, and not argue over facts. If their reaction is positive, thank them for listening and ask how you can help.

And if they are angry? If their reaction is negative, apologize for unintentionally hurting their feelings, and underscore once again your concern. Leave them alone to process. Check-in after a few days, again with a quick apology but with a desire to move forward.

Offering the olive branch is about repairing the relationship and needs to happen before you decide to push on with your worry or not.

The goal is knowing what’s the best you can do and making the effort. The reality check is that you can only control what you can control.