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• Setting aside a specific time to fret and express worries can ease your mind.
  
  
  
  
  Did you know that just putting your worries into words and expressing them out loud or on paper (or your phone or computer) can start you on the path to feeling less anxious? In fact, researchers have found that setting aside blocks of time to record your worries (known as “worry time”) can lead to notable reductions in anxiety.
  
  
  
  
  There are many reasons why this works. Anxiety can often be “free-floating,” which makes it difficult to manage. Simply expressing our anxious thoughts (whether verbally or by writing them down) helps us organize these concerns. Instead of floating freely in our brains, our worries are listed—which makes them much easier to tackle and examine objectively.
  
  
  
  
  Setting aside a specific time and place to express our worry, further, gives us a sense of agency and control. Doing this involves making a conscious decision and taking action. Additionally, it can be incredibly comforting to know that an outlet is in place and on the books.
  
  
  
  
  There are two key ways to make an appointment to worry:
  
  Via verbal expression (set up a time to vent to a friend, schedule or attend a therapy session).
  By setting aside quiet journaling time (this may not need to be scheduled and can be done when the mood strikes).
  
  The most important part is that you let it out. Research shows that the act of putting your feelings into words can lower the level of arousal in the part of the brain that manages emotions and governs our responses to things that are upsetting. This area, known as the amygdala, lights up when we experience stress.
  
  
  
  
  Talking about your problems actually quiets the amygdala, and that enables us to calm down and more logically work through stressful events and situations. Think about the last time you vented to someone you cared about. Didn’t you feel so much better after expressing your feelings and talking it out?
  
  
  
  
  Scientists have also found that the act of writing down your thoughts and worries—journaling—has a similarly powerful cathartic effect. Specifically, putting your thoughts into writing makes a measurable difference in how you feel. While not a substitute for the personal interaction of therapy, journaling has proven to be an incredibly effective way to release some of your anxiety (and it is free and available immediately).
  
  
  
  
  Studies show that writing about traumatic or stressful events makes people feel calmer, happier, and more at ease. The physical health benefits of expressive writing include things like improved immune system functioning (fewer colds!), reduced blood pressure (a longer life!), and fewer stress-related visits to the doctor.
  
  
  
  
  Writing can provide a wonderful outlet to express unspoken thoughts without being judged. You may think, “I can’t write,” but the truth is that you likely have plenty of experience with writing—texting, emailing, blogging, live chatting, and tweeting are all writing exercises! The difference is that instead of public expression, journaling offers you a private and empowering forum to express your own personal truths.
  
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  Feeling stressed? Make an appointment to worry. Instead of ruminating (obsessing about something) all day, put your worries on hold. Place them on an imaginary shelf. Decide exactly when you are going to air out your worries—first thing in the morning or end of day? Or perhaps when you actually have a free moment, or when a trusted friend or therapist is available.
  
  
  
  
  If you feel reluctant to verbalize your anxiety, purchase a notebook or journal and do a “worry dump.” Observe your mood after this exercise, and notice the sense of relief afterwards. At minimum, you should notice that your jumbled thoughts are now more organized and that it feels good to take constructive action. You may even gain some clarity and insight.
  
  
  
  
  Most of all—do not suffer in silence. Keeping anxious thoughts and feelings to yourself can be such a heavy burden. It requires effort to hold them back, and that puts a strain on the brain and the body. Employ the curative, cathartic strategy of venting. Make an appointment with yourself, or someone else, to worry—and stop rumination in its tracks.
  
  
  
  
  Portions of this post have been excerpted from my book, Goodbye, Anxiety: A Guided Journal for Overcoming Worry.

A simple method of cooling your emotional temperature.

• Failure to suppress anger can compromise interpersonal relationships, even within families.
• Physical disposal of written angry feelings can help neutralize anger.
• Retaining written feelings of anger may not reduce negative emotion.

When conversation gets heated, sometimes tempers flare. Whether rhetoric turns controversial, antagonistic, or critical, people can become resentful and defensive. Some people are offended not during a conversation, but upon learning after the fact what someone else said about them. Yet because adversity is unfortunately a part of life, the question becomes not how to avoid it, but how to deal with the feelings. The key to managing anger may be as simple as “disposing” of it. Research explains.

Source: kinkate/Pixabay

Reducing Anger to Avoid Reacting

Many people describe themselves as level-headed or mild-mannered. That is, until provoked. From the classroom to the boardroom to your living room, disagreements happen. The key is knowing how to avoid acting on emotion.

Yuta Kanaya and Nobuyuki Kawai (2024) explored methods of eliminating anger stemming from provocation.[i] They began by acknowledging the importance of suppressing anger in day-to-day living, because as everyone is aware, failure to do so can compromise interpersonal relationships, even within families. They note that failure to reduce anger can lead to rumination where someone repeatedly thinks about a provocative event. They note that such self-immersed, experiential rumination can cause someone to relive past provocation, thereby maintaining or increasing subjective feelings of anger as well as associated vascular responses.

Against a backdrop of research examining effective strategies of neutralizing or suppressing anger, Kanaya and Kawai found that physical disposal of a piece of paper that contains a person’s written feelings about the cause of a provocative event neutralizes feelings of anger, while merely holding the paper containing the written feelings did not.

Kanaya and Kawai had study participants author brief opinions about social issues, after which they each received a handwritten, insulting comment that contained a negative evaluation of their composition. Participants then wrote down the cause as well as their thoughts and feelings about the provocative event. Kanaya and Kawai then had half of the participants (referred to as the disposal group) throw away the paper in a trash can or shredder, while the other half of participants retained the file on their desk. They found that while all participants experienced an increased feeling of anger after receiving the insulting feedback, the subjective level of anger for the disposal group decreased down to the baseline period, while the retention group remained higher than baseline. Apparently, as demonstrated by Kanaya and Kawai, disposing of a tangible memorialization of the experience of anger can also dispose of the negative sentiment. They described their method as a powerful yet simple way to eliminate anger.

Kanaya and Kawai conclude that their study showcases a convenient new strategy for eliminating subjective anger, offering a cost-effective method of eliminating anger in a variety of situations, including everything from childcare to business meetings, as well as clinical applications. From managing daily stressors to engaging in behavioral therapies, this method can be useful and successful in helping people suppress anger, which will benefit personal emotional health as well as interpersonal relationships.

References

[i] Kanaya, Yuta, and Nobuyuki Kawai. “Anger Is Eliminated with the Disposal of a Paper Written Because of Provocation.” Scientific Reports [London], vol. 14, no. 1, no. 7490, April 2024,

About the Author

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.

Online:

 wendypatrickphd.com, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

The link between social support and both physical and mental health.

KEY POINTS

• Pandemic measures to slow the spread have decreased infection but increased feelings of loneliness and social isolation.
• Social restrictions such as physical distancing have been identified as potential risk factors for loneliness.
• Social disconnection can profoundly impact individual health, both mentally and physically.

With social restrictions lifted, families are reuniting, friends and neighbors are reconnecting, and co-workers are catching up around the water cooler. But not everyone has emerged from the pandemic ready to rejoin the social scene. Some people are still suffering both physically and emotionally; some from lingering symptoms, some from loneliness.

Apparently, pandemic measures to “slow the spread” have decreased infection but increased feelings of loneliness and social isolation—which can jeopardize both physical and mental health. As the pandemic has less of an impact on daily life, it is important to reach out to people who are still experiencing loneliness and anxiety, because research reveals both their physical and mental health may depend on it.

Source: Pexels/Pixabay

A Legacy of Loneliness

Many people have been lonely for years—a state of being that was exacerbated by the pandemic. Mareike Ernst et al. (2022)[i] recognize loneliness and social isolation as increasingly common public health concerns pre-COVID-19 pandemic, due to their serious impact on well-being, mental and physical health, and longevity. They note that the pandemic, along with associated containment measures, made loneliness and social isolation even more relevant.

Specifically, they note that COVID-19 pandemic social restrictions designed to mitigate transmission, such as physical distancing, have been identified as potential risk factors for loneliness, which in turn can increase the risk of adverse physical and mental health conditions.

Interestingly, Ernst et al. note that within the pandemic context, loneliness and social isolation are distinct concepts, because some people might have fewer contacts, but not feel lonely. They explain this is because loneliness depends on factors other than social isolation, including characteristics of the individual as well as his or her environment, including relational expectations, need for contact, personality traits, cultural norms, and physical and mental health. These variables explain why the pandemic has not affected everyone in the same way.

Comforting Company and COVID Resilience

Apparently, loneliness can even impact vaccine effectiveness. Gallagher Stephen et al. (2022) [ii] studied the response to a single dose of COVID 19 vaccine, finding that people with less social cohesion reported being lonelier, which was linked with lower antibody response. They conclude that feelings of “being in it together” impact the strength of antibody response to vaccination, emphasizing the significance and importance of pandemic social cohesion.

Erica A. Hornstein and Naomi I. Eisenberger (2022) explored the impact of loneliness on fear and the effect of COVID-19-created social disconnection on anxiety.[iii] They note that previous research suggests that social disconnection can profoundly impact individual health both mentally and physically, particularly impacting fear disorders. They report that feelings of disconnection and high levels of daily perceived threat due to COVID-19 combined to create conditions that were particularly likely to prompt dysfunctional and persistent fears. Their own research showed that loneliness damages the process through which fears are allayed, which is critical to both fear regulation as well as treatment of such disorders.

Proactive Support

Recognizing the link between loneliness and vulnerability to both physical and mental health, we are all encouraged to go through our contact list and reach out to those with whom we lost contact during the pandemic. Social support is significant both physically and mentally. It is easy to give, and healing to receive. Pick up the phone today.

References

[i] Ernst, Mareike, Daniel Niederer, Antonia M. Werner, Sara J. Czaja, Christopher Mikton, Anthony D. Ong, Tony Rosen, Elmar Brähler, and Manfred E. Beutel. “Loneliness before and during the COVID-19 Pandemic: A Systematic Review with Meta-Analysis.” American Psychologist, May 9, 2022. doi:10.1037/amp0001005.supp (Supplemental).

[ii] Stephen, Gallagher, Howard Siobhán, Orla. T. Muldoon, and Anna. C. Whittaker. 2022. “Social Cohesion and Loneliness Are Associated with the Antibody Response to COVID-19 Vaccination.” Brain, Behavior, and Immunity 103 (July): 179–85. doi:10.1016/j.bbi.2022.04.017.

[iii] Hornstein, Erica A., and Naomi I. Eisenberger. 2022. “Exploring the Effect of Loneliness on Fear: Implications for the Effect of COVID-19-Induced Social Disconnection on Anxiety.” Behavior Research and Therapy 153 (June): 1–9. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2022.104101.

by

Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT

A trauma bond is an attachment to an abuser in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., coined the term in 1997. He defined it as an adaptive, dysfunctional attachment occurring in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation in order to survive. It is a trauma reaction created due to a power imbalance and recurring abuse mixed with intermittent positive reinforcement; in other words, good and bad treatment. The abuser is the dominant partner who controls the victim with fear, unpredictability, belittling, and control.

Behavioral psychologists call “intermittent reinforcement” conditioning (or “training”) behavior through the use of giving intermittent rewards. Positive reinforcement is when the abuser acts friendly, romantic, or vulnerable following the abuse. It’s easy to go into denial about the abuse to maintain a positive connection with the perpetrator and cling to the hope that the relationship will improve.

Looking for rewards can become addictive, like constantly checking your phone or email. This is how gamblers keep chasing an elusive win to get back their losses, even as they go into debt. Slot machines are programmed to encourage addictive gambling based on this phenomenon. This repeated pattern leads to a cycle of abuse. There may be expressions of remorse or false promises that the abuse will stop. This is similar to the “merry-go-round” of denial that accompanies addiction where the addict promises to quit.

Surprisingly, research confirmed that the reward-seeking behavior continued even after the rewards stop coming! In studies, rats neglected their grooming and other self-care habits but kept pushing the reward lever like a slot machine.

You can get addicted to emotionally unavailable partners because they may periodically want closeness. You become dependent on and addicted to your partner’s attention and validation. You can become addicted to any sign of approval or bits of kindness or closeness that feel all the more poignant (like make-up sex) because you’ve been starved and are relieved to feel loved.

Similarly, the mix of positive and negative feelings toward a Jekyll and Hyde abuser creates confusion and makes it hard to leave. Narcissists might intentionally withhold communication and affection to manipulate and control you with rejection or withholding, only to randomly fulfill your needs later. You become anxious and try even harder to decipher the narcissist and how to please him or her to get what you previously had but to no avail. Like the experimental rats, you get accustomed to long periods of not getting your needs met. This is how you become increasingly childlike and dependent on the narcissist — watching and accommodating to avoid abuse and to receive the occasional reward.

Trauma Bonds and Stockholm Syndrome

The term “Stockholm syndrome” originated from a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in the summer of 1973 when bank robbers held four people hostage for six days. This syndrome describes captives who sympathize with their abuser in life-threatening situations where they are isolated and can’t escape. Prisoners align with their captors. Any act of kindness or even the absence of abuse feels like a sign of friendship and being cared for. The abuser seems less threatening. Prisoners imagine that they’re friends and share common values and goals, believing they’re in it together and may view helpers or the police as the enemy. In the Stockholm robbery, the prisoners sided with their captors against the police who rescued them.

Because of the emotional and psychological bonding, Stockholm syndrome terminology has been expanded to cover intimate relationships that are less perilous than hostage situations. However, this application is controversial. Some people also argue that it’s not even abnormal behavior because it’s normal in the prisoner situation and adaptive. In fact, statistics show that friendliness and empathy for the abuser reduce violence against prisoners.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

Codependents are loyal to a fault. They are often preyed upon by and attracted to narcissists and abusers and feel trapped and hard to leave any relationship. This tendency is exaggerated in trauma bonds. You want to protect the abuser rather than yourself. You make excuses for the abuser or hide or lie about the abuse to other people. You feel guilty when you talk to outsiders or think about leaving the relationship or calling the police. Outsiders who try to help feel threatening. For example, you might see counselors and twelve-step programs as interlopers who want to brainwash and separate you and your partner. This reinforces the toxic bond and isolates you from help, which is exactly what the abuser wants!

Some conditions and signs are:

1. You cover up or conceal the abuser’s behavior to other people.
2. A cycle of behavior that’s hurtful to you, despite your complaints.
3. You feel protective of your partner and feel guilty talking about the abuse.
4. You rationalize the abuse or make excuses for your partner.
5. You don’t want to leave or don’t like the relationship but feel unable to leave. Logic is distorted or is no help.
6. You obsess about the relationship or the abuser.
7. You doubt your feelings and perceptions.
8. You blame yourself and accept blame for the abuser’s behavior.
9. You continue to hope that things will improve, despite evidence to the contrary.
10. You cling to any sign of positive attention from the abuser.

Effects of Trauma Bonding

Over time, trauma bonding increases dependency. You attempt to avoid conflict and become more deferential. Meanwhile, your self-esteem and independence are frequently undermined by emotional abuse. When you object, you’re attacked, intimidated, or confused by manipulation. Consideration from your partner may become rare. Nevertheless, you’re hopeful and accommodating and keep trying to win back crumbs of loving attention. This behavior is common for victims of abuse who become attached to their abuser. You may have been gaslighted and have begun to doubt your perceptions due to blame and lies.

You might give up hobbies, interests, and friends and completely lose yourself trying to please and not displease your partner. This pattern may have developed in childhood and is now activated and exacerbated in your current relationship. Trauma bonding is resistant to change. Our brains are wired to attach and before recovery, these bonds aren’t within our conscious control. So don’t judge yourself.

As denial and cognitive dissonance between reality and your beliefs and perceptions grow, you do and allow things you wouldn’t have imagined when you first met. You develop “learned helplessness.” Your shame increases as your self-esteem declines. You feel guilty or responsible for the abuse. You wonder what happened to the happy, self-respecting, confident person you once were. Trauma bonds can harm your mental and physical health and create an increased likelihood of depression. This worsening trend parallels the chronic progression of codependency and makes it harder to leave.

You’re especially susceptible to becoming dependent on an abuser if you have codependency and/or the relationship dynamics are similar to what you experienced with a distant, abusive, or withholding parent. The trauma bond with your partner outweighs the negative aspects of the relationship. You not only fear retaliation but also the loss of the emotional connection with your partner, which seems worse than the abuse. Some common symptoms are:

1. Shame and low self-esteem
2. Depression and anxiety
3. Distrust in yourself and other people
4. Difficulty concentrating and functioning at work
5. Prolonged irrational feelings of guilt, even for leaving the abuser
6. Intimacy issues in new relationships due to shame and fears of abuse and abandonment
7. PTSD or CPTSD as a reaction to abuse even after leaving
8. If you don’t leave the relationship, you may suffer a loss of self, depression, health conditions, and possible addiction.

If you’re experiencing abuse, don’t isolate or hide the fact. Reach out and get support. Seek counseling. It’s essential to seek treatment to leave an abusive relationship and to heal from trauma. There are many modalities available, including CBT coupled with EMDR or Sensory Experiencing (SE). Also, join a 12-Step program such as CoDA or Al-Anon. Additionally, take steps to overcome codependency. Raise Your Self-Esteem, learn How to Be Assertive, and practice self-love. These relationships are very hard to leave. Learn how to handle abusive relationships, restore your self-esteem, and acquire the strength to leave. Get Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.
© 2022 Darlene Lancer

As Americans increasingly report feeling overwhelmed by daily life, many are using self-care to cope. Conversations and social media feeds are saturated with the language of “me time,” burnout, boundaries and nervous system regulation.

To meet this demand, the wellness industry has grown into a multitrillion-dollar global market. Myriad providers offer products, services and lifestyle prescriptions that promise calm, balance and restoration.

Paradoxically, though, even as interest in self-care continues to grow, Americans’ mental health is getting worse.

I am a professor of public health who studies health behaviors and the gap between intentions and outcomes. I became interested in this self-care paradox recently, after I suffered from a concussion. I was prescribed two months of strictly screen-free cognitive rest – no television, email, Zooming, social media, streaming or texting.

The benefits were almost immediate, and they surprised me. I slept better, had a longer attention span and had a newfound sense of mental quiet. These effects reflected a well-established principle in neuroscience: When cognitive and emotional stimuli decrease, the brain’s regulatory systems can recover from overload and chronic stress.

Obviously, most people can’t go 100% screen-free for days, much less months, but the underlying principle offers a powerful lesson for practicing effective self-care.

A nation under strain

Americans’ self-rated mental health is now at the lowest point since Gallup started tracking this issue in 2001. National surveys consistently detect high levels of stress and emotional strain.

Roughly one-third of U.S. adults report feeling overwhelmed most days. Sleep disruption, anxiety, poor concentration and emotional exhaustion are widespread, particularly among young adults and women.

Chronic disease patterns mirror this strain. When daily stress becomes chronic, it can trigger biological changes that increase the risk of long-term conditions like heart disease and diabetes. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 6 in 10 U.S. adults live with at least one chronic condition, and 4 in 10 live with multiple chronic conditions.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/QMOc-4zNj30?wmode=transparent&start=0Stress triggers physiological responses that can lead to a range of symptoms.

How people try to cope

Many Americans say they actively practice self-care in everyday life. For example, they describe taking mental health days, protecting personal time, setting boundaries around work and prioritizing rest and leisure.

The problem lies in how they use that leisure time.

Over the past 22 years, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ American Time Use Survey has consistently found that watching television is the most popular leisure activity for U.S. adults. Americans spend far more time watching TV than exercising, spending time with friends or practicing reflection through activities like yoga. Other common self-care activities include watching movies and gaming.

Modern leisure time increasingly includes smartphone use. Surveys suggest that mobile phones have become the dominant screen for many Americans, with adults spending several hours per day on their phones.

For many adults, checking social media or watching short videos has become a default relaxation behavior layered on top of traditional screen use. This practice is often referred to as second screening.

Although many people turn to screen-based activities to wind down, these activities may have the opposite effect biologically.

Why modern screen use feels different

Pre-internet forms of leisure often involved activities such as watching scheduled television programs, listening to radio broadcasts or reading books and magazines. For all of these pastimes, the content followed a predictable sequence with natural stopping points.

Today’s digital media environment looks very different. People routinely engage with multiple screens at once, respond to frequent notifications and switch rapidly between several streams of content. These environments continuously require users to split their attention, engage their emotions and make decisions.

This type of mental multitasking draws on the same neural systems people are often attempting to rest with leisure. The result is a far more fragmented and cognitively demanding environment than in the past.

Americans now spend approximately six to seven hours per day on screens across multiple devices. Splitting attention between more than one screen at a time, such as using the phone while watching television, is common. This juggling exposes peoples’ brains to multiple streams of sensory and emotional input simultaneously.

Survey data also suggests that Americans may check their phones roughly 200 times per day. In doing so, they repeatedly pull their attention back to screens during routine moments.

Modern digital platforms are designed to maximize engagement. Algorithms tend to prioritize emotionally arousing content, particularly anger, anxiety and outrage. These feelings drive clicks, sharing and time spent on platforms. Research has shown that this design is associated with higher stress, distraction and cognitive load.

When ‘rest’ doesn’t restore

Against the backdrop of daily hassles and competing demands, it can feel like relief to flip on the TV. Practices such as streaming or so-called bed-rotting – spending extended periods in bed while scrolling – often are framed as a form of radical rest or self-care.

Other common coping behaviors include leaving the television on as background noise, scrolling between tasks throughout the day or using phones during meals and conversations. These strategies can feel restful because they temporarily reduce external demands and decision-making.

However, pairing rest with screen use may undermine the very restoration that people are seeking. Digital media stimulate attention, emotion and sensory processing. Even while people are sitting or lying still, being onscreen can keep their nervous systems in a heightened state of arousal. It may look like downtime, but it doesn’t create the biological conditions for restoration.

How to wind down

Evidence suggests that mental relief comes not from adding new coping strategies, but from reducing the number of demands placed on the brain.

Here are some evidence-based strategies that support genuine restoration:

• Reduce digital multitasking, such as using your phone while watching television. This lowers stress and cognitive strain.
• Limit task-switching and interruptions. This improves focus and reduces cognitive fatigue.
• Spend time in low-stimulation environments, including quiet spaces and outdoor settings. This supports mood and emotional well-being.
• Unwind with analog or low-novelty activities, such as reading print, journaling, gentle movement or device-free walking. These pastimes allow mental engagement without overload.

The goal is to intentionally reduce mental load, not to abandon all digital devices.

To improve well-being in our overstimulated society, it’s important to understand the difference between feeling as though you are unwinding and actually allowing your brain and body to recover. In my view, fewer screens, fewer inputs, fewer emotional demands and more protected time for genuine cognitive rest are important components of an effective wellness strategy.

Dr. Pickering is a Professor and Chair of Public Health at Gonzaga University. Her educational background includes a PhD in Education, a MS in Physical Education with an emphasis on Exercise Science and Pedagogy, and a BS in Health with an emphasis on Health Promotion and Wellness. 

1. Assess your motivation, but honestly.

Boundaries are relationship expectations that establish how you do (and don’t) want to be treated.

After a breakup, many people struggle to set and maintain new boundaries with an ex.

Honestly evaluating why and how you want your ex in your life is key.

Source: Mixmike, Getty Images

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. —Brené Brown

After a breakup, the way we relate to our former romantic partner shifts dramatically. Sexual, romantic, and daily shared life patterns stop or morph, making way for a new normal for each partner. This leaves many in an uncomfortable state of transition, wondering whether they can still have their now-ex in their life—and how.

Transitioning from being lovers to friends, platonic colleagues, or even just civilized co-parents is much easier if there are good boundaries.

Boundaries are relationship expectations; they reflect how you want to be treated and what you’re going to do if someone violates those expectations (APA; Cloud & Townsend, 2017). This can include everything from how you want someone to talk to you to whether you want them to touch you to how much time you want to spend with them (Warren, 2023). In this way, boundaries keep you safe in your interpersonal relationships.

If you find yourself wanting a non-romantic relationship with your ex after a breakup—or if you must have one of necessity, because you work together or share parenting responsibilities—here are 4 steps to help you set new boundaries.

Step 1: Assess Your Motivation, Honestly

Before trying to be friends or non-romantic partners, it’s essential that you really explore what’s driving your desire to be connected in the first place. Why do you want to be friends with your ex? Is it because you really care about them and think you can add to one another’s life in a meaningful way as friends more than you could as lovers? Or, for example…:

• Do you want to stay connected because you’re afraid of being alone?
• Do you feel guilty about the breakup or your role in the relationship ending, so you’re trying to ease the pain?
• Do you selfishly want a tie to your ex because they’re still in love with you, to ease your ego in case your next relationship fails?
• Are you secretly aware that you want to continue a sexual connection with your ex without commitment but won’t directly tell your ex that?

Knowing why you want to stay connected is key to setting healthy relationship expectations. If you’re honest with yourself and realize that staying friends with your ex is coming from a less-healthy place that has nothing to do with them as a person, you may decide that cutting off contact is a better choice.

Step 2: Describe Your Ideal Relationship

Once you’ve honestly admitted your motivation for keeping your ex in your life, it’s time to figure out what an ideal non-romantic friendship with your ex would look like. Given that you’re no longer together, how do you want them to be in your life? Ask yourself questions like:

• What does “being friends” mean?
• How often do you want to talk or see one another?
• Do you still want to see them? When and under what conditions?
• Do you want a relationship or are you mostly hoping it’s not awkward to run into them because you have mutual friends?

In addition, are there any dealbreakers to being friends? For example, are there things you don’t want your ex to do, like stopping by unannounced; calling late at night; sending sexy photos; or continuing to have sexual interactions?

Get as clear as you can about how you would like—and not like—to have your ex in your life moving forward.

Step 3: Share Your Perspective With Your Ex

Now that you’ve figured out some of your motivation for being friends and what you’d like that relationship to look like, it’s time to share it with your ex and get their feedback to see whether a friendship works for them. For example, you may say something like:

I know things are changing between us because we broke up. Even though we’re not romantically together anymore, I want to be friends with you because I really care about you as a person. You’re funny and I really like you as a person—we just weren’t good together as romantic partners. What I hope is that we can be friends moving forward. To me, that means we can see each other once in a while—maybe grab coffee or catch up sometimes. I know we’ll run into each other at parties too.

What I really don’t want is for us to be awkward saying hi or feeling like we can’t interact anymore. Or for being friends to hurt either of us as we date new people. So, I think it’s better not to hook up with each other moving forward. What do you think about what I’ve said? Do you want to try to be friends with me? Do you think we can? Do you think it would be healthy for you?

Step 4: Evaluate Over Time

As you establish what you want and need in your new friendship with your ex, it will be important to continually see how it feels to you over time. If your ex acts in a way that is inconsistent with the new relationship you’ve outlined, it will be important to respond.

For example, if they continue to pursue sexual interactions even when you’ve said you aren’t available for them, you may need to say something like: “Please don’t come onto me in a romantic way; we aren’t together anymore”; “I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship with you anymore, so I’m not going to respond to your advances”; or, “I’d appreciate it if you don’t stop by my place unannounced anymore. If you do, I’m not going to let you in.”

Like all relationships, you’ll get more information as you go. If you find that your new interactions or way of relating isn’t healthy for you or them, change it until you find something that works. Ultimately, that may mean that you aren’t capable of being friends— at least not yet.

The Naked Truth

Clear boundaries exist in all healthy relationships. They establish the kind of relationship you’re willing to be in and how you will respond if someone treats you in a way that’s inconsistent with your values and personal needs. When you’re going through a breakup, setting new, clear boundaries for yourself and your ex is key to moving on in a healthy way—whether they ultimately stay in your life or not.

Copyright Cortney S. Warren, Ph.D., ABPP

Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. I cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet. Best on your continued journey.

Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a board-certified clinical psychologist and former tenured associate professor of psychology at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). She earned her bachelor’s degree from Macalester College in 2000 and her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Texas A&M

Our interest in narcissism has never been higher, with Google searches for the word “narcissist” having steadily increased over the past decade. This term has become part of everyday parlance, readily thrown around to describe celebrities, politicians and ex-partners.

A byproduct of our growing interest in narcissism is a curiosity about what types of narcissist exist. But this is where things get tricky. A search for “types of narcissists” on Google returns wildly varied results. Some websites describe as few as three types. Others list up to 14.

What’s going on here?

What is a narcissist?

The word “narcissism” comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, a boy who falls in love with his own reflection.

Over the past century or so, conceptualisations of narcissism have evolved. It is now thought of as a collection of personality traits characterised by grandiosity, entitlement and callousness. “Narcissist” is the term used to describe someone who scores highly on these traits.

A narcissist may also meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, a mental health diagnosis that affects about 1% of people. It’s broadly described as a pervasive pattern of exhibiting grandiosity, needing admiration and lacking empathy.

Importantly, not all narcissists have narcissistic personality disorder.

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Read more: Think you might be dating a ‘vulnerable narcissist’? Look out for these red flags

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How many types of narcissism are there?

There are two main types of trait narcissism (which are distinct from narcissistic personality disorder). These are grandiose narcissism and vulnerable narcissism.

Grandiose narcissism is associated with a grandiose sense of self, aggression and dominance. Vulnerable narcissism is characterised by heightened emotional sensitivity and a defensive and insecure grandiosity that masks feelings of inadequacy.

Recent models have identified three core components of narcissism that help explain the similarities and differences between both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.

1. Antagonism is common to both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. It’s linked with traits such as arrogance, entitlement, exploitativeness and a lack of empathy.
2. Agentic extraversion is unique to grandiose narcissism. It’s associated with traits such as authoritativeness, grandiosity and exhibitionism.
3. Narcissistic neuroticism is specific to vulnerable narcissism. It’s associated with fragile self-esteem and a tendency to experience negative emotions and shame.

A person will likely meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder when there is a convergence of high scores across each of these components.

Also, while diagnostic criteria emphasise the grandiose aspects of narcissistic personality disorder, clinicians report an oscillation between both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism in people with the disorder.

Vulnerable narcissism has a considerable overlap with borderline personality disorder, particularly in terms of its causes and the displayed personality traits. A person who only scores highly for vulnerable narcissism is more likely to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder than narcissistic personality disorder.

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Read more: Borderline personality disorder is a hurtful label for real suffering – time we changed it

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Are there other types of narcissists?

Given the consensus in psychology on the two main types of trait narcissism described above (which sit alongside the clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder), how can we account for the many sources describing other “types” of narcissism?

First and most concerning is the proliferation of pop psychology articles that describe types of narcissism for which there is no good evidence.

They feature terms such as “cerebral narcissist”, “somatic narcissist”, “seductive narcissist” and “spiritual narcissist”. But searching for these terms in peer-reviewed academic literature yields no evidence that they are valid types of narcissism.

Some articles also use terms often considered synonymous with grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. This likely comes from early literature, which used a range of terms to describe types of narcissism. One review from 2008 identified more than 50 different labels used to describe types of narcissism.

Conceptually, however, each of these labels can be mapped onto either grandiose or vulnerable narcissism.

Often you will see “overt” and “covert” being described, sometimes alongside descriptions of grandiose and vulnerable narcissists. Some researchers have proposed overt and covert narcissism as being akin to grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Others argue they are more appropriately considered expressions of narcissism present in both grandiose and vulnerable narcissism.

Lastly, a number of these articles describe narcissists by drawing on specific expressions of grandiose or vulnerable narcissism. For instance, they describe “antagonistic narcissists”, “communal narcissists”, “agentic narcissists” and “sexual narcissists” alongside grandiose and vulnerable narcissists.

These descriptions imply each of these are mutually exclusive types of narcissism, when really they should be thought of as aspects of grandiose and/or vulnerable narcissism. In other words, they are examples of how narcissism might be expressed.

The danger of labels

Narcissism’s multifaceted nature has likely contributed to the array of terms people use to describe narcissists.

Some of these are valid constructs. When used accurately, they can be useful for identifying the different ways narcissism is expressed – particularly in intimate relationships, where high levels of grandiose and vulnerable narcissism are associated with perpetration of abuse.

However, online articles that inaccurately describe and categorise narcissism are anything but helpful. This content fuels armchair psychologists, who then jump to assign the label “narcissist” to anyone they think is displaying narcissistic traits.

Even when accurately applied in clinical settings, diagnostic labels aren’t always useful. They may bring stigma, which can discourage people from seeking mental health support.

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The word narcissism became something of a buzzword. And in recent years the word has been popularized on social media and in the press.

As a result, social media and other online platforms are now rife with insights, tips, stories and theories from life coaches, therapists, psychologists and self-proclaimed narcissists about navigating relationships with narcissists or managing one’s own symptoms.

The term “narcissism” is commonly used to describe anyone who is egotistical and self-absorbed. Someone who exhibits narcissistic traits may have a personality disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder.

Over the past decade, the rapid development of social networking sites has caused profound changes in the way people communicate and interact. Social media websites such as Facebook, TikTok and Instagram can feel like a narcissistic field day. In seconds, one can share self-enhancing content – flattering pictures, boastful statuses and enviable vacations – with a vast audience and receive immediate feedback in the form of “likes” and reinforcing comments from followers.

As a licensed couple and family therapist who specializes in relationship issues related to attachment, I have worked with many couples with one partner who is on the narcissistic personality disorder spectrum. One reason the narcissistic partner is challenging to treat is that they’re adept at persuading their partner that they are the dysfunctional one.

Defining narcissism

Dr. Otto Kernberg, a psychiatrist who specializes in personality disorders, differentiates between normal and pathological narcissism using a framework that assesses a person’s capacity to participate in satisfactory romantic relationships.

Don’t let yourself be misled. Understand issues with help from experts

Normal narcissism refers to a well-integrated sense of self that is generally for the greater good, such as a healthy sense of pride in oneself and one’s accomplishments. Pathological narcissism describes extreme fluctuations between feelings of inferiority and failure with a sense of superiority and grandiosity.

Each person has a bit of normal narcissism within them. This can take the form of having self-confidence and even a modicum of entitlement while still displaying empathy and emotion. Research shows the role of healthy narcissism occurs at subclinical levels in everyday populations and can help motivate people to enhance themselves and to progress in life.

But when striving for achievement or gain involves an excessive desire for attention and approval and an outsize, grandiose sense of self, it is no longer in the realm of healthy narcissism.

A pathological narcissist sees everyone else as an extension of self. Those in a narcissist’s life, especially in their inner circle, must always demonstrate perfection because they contribute to the narcissist’s own self-image. Like many personality disorders, narcissism manifests itself in intimate relationships through the cycle of idealization and devaluation, creating the concept of the so-called toxic relationship.

Finding a victim

A narcissist chooses their partners based on whether the partner affirms their grandiose sense of self. And since having that affirmation is the key driver for a narcissist’s relationship, they are generally not interested in learning a lot about the other person.

The things that attract narcissists are not the personal characteristics of the other person or even the connection that comes from the relationship. If the person has a reputable status in their eyes and they find the person appealing, they are usually willing to move forward quickly in the relationship. Unfortunately, as a narcissist’s genuine interest in the other person is typically superficial, the narcissist often loses interest in the relationship just as suddenly as they began it.

Narcissistic abuse is a form of extreme psychological and emotional abuse marked by manipulative communication and intentional deception for exploitation by a person who meets the criteria for pathological narcissism.

Forms of narcissism

Narcissistic abuse can be insidious and hard to recognize. Since the signs of narcissistic abuse aren’t always obvious, it’s important to name and recognize them.

• Gaslighting: The narcissist uses a manipulation strategy known as gaslighting to make the victim doubt his or her own ability to make a decision or take an action. People use this technique to maintain control over the other person’s sense of reality. When gaslighting occurs, victims are left feeling doubtful and insecure and some even have difficulty recognizing that they are being gaslighted. In some relationships, a co-dependency develops between the narcissist and the victim in which the victim accepts the narcissist’s position of authority.
• Victim mentality: This mindset, which is common for those with narcissistic personality disorder, implies that everybody owes the narcissist something. In my clinical experience, I have often witnessed the narcissist creating a false narrative about how they did not get what they were supposed to get in life because they were wronged by others. This story allows them to feel entitled to have anger and resentment toward anyone, especially toward people they perceive as successful.
• Cycle of idealization and devaluation: Narcissists form polarized beliefs about themselves and others, meaning that their opinions of themselves and others can be exceptionally positive or unrealistically negative.

During the idealization stage, the narcissist creates a sense of unbreakable connection with the victim. No matter what type of relationship it is – whether romantic, professional or familial – it moves fast and has an intense quality to it.

At some point, the narcissist’s partner will disappoint them in some way, usually not on purpose. As a response, the narcissist will criticize every move, jump to conclusions and react dramatically to these perceived disappointments. The narcissist will begin to see their partner as flawed and accuse them of not being the perfect partner they were supposed to be. This phase is characterized by verbal and physical abuse, humiliation, bullying and smearing.

Feelings of emptiness: According to Kernberg, the psychiatrist mentioned above, the inability of narcissists to develop fulfilling and lasting relationships results in a chronically empty internal world.

Narcissistic personality disorder patients will often find themselves “waking up” at age 40, 50 or 60 with a desperate sense of loss. The narcissist often struggles with feelings of emptiness that stem from relying on a false grandiose sense of self that prevents them from being vulnerable. In turn, they project their feelings of emptiness onto the partner in a relationship. Many of these patients suffer from a loss of identity and sense of helplessness and feel alienated from the world.

Navigating relationships with a narcissist

Since the narcissist often develops controlling and manipulative relationships with the partner’s friends and family, the victim may feel reluctant to rely on their intimate circle for support. Finding a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery is the first step to start the healing process.

I have had a lot of patients tell me that their therapists aren’t familiar with the term “pathological narcissism.” If they’re not, I suggest that, if possible, these patients find therapists who specialize in emotionally focused therapy or transference focused therapy. These therapies help identify destructive patterns of communication as they arise during a therapy session, rather than focusing only on interactions that arise outside of therapy.

From my perspective, relationships with a narcissistic partner are some of the hardest to treat. The narcissistic partners are often unwilling to participate in therapy because they will not admit that they need help and find it challenging to collaborate with the therapist. Effective couples therapy is rare but not impossible and can occur only when the narcissistic partner acknowledges that their expectations are unreasonable and destructive.

Here are tips on how to avoid ruining relationships because you took offense.

• When people are emotionally triggered, they lose sight of how their response might affect their relationship.
• They say and do things they later regret because they misperceive the situation as a dangerous emergency.
• With effort and guidance, people can learn to change their response to being emotionally triggered.
• Learning to pause and think through possible responses before acting is the single most important thing to do.

Source: Vitaly Griev/pexels

Many of my clients have had traumatic childhood experiences that left them with extremely sensitive, invisible emotional wounds. When someone accidently touches one of those wounds, they find it exquisitely painful. Their pain is proportional to all the past traumatic experiences that created the wound, not just the current incident, and so is their response. For short, psychotherapists call this whole experience getting “triggered.”

This is very common with people who have borderline or narcissistic personality disorders, but you do not have to qualify for a personality disorder diagnosis to get triggered. Most of us have our own unhealed wounds from our past and occasionally overreact when other people accidentally activate them.

I am focusing here on intimate relationships, but the same principles apply in other situations.

What happens when someone gets triggered?

My clients who get triggered describe a remarkably similar chain of events:

1. The partner says or does something that my client finds offensive.
2. My client gets triggered and reacts by saying or doing something nasty designed to hurt the partner and get revenge.
3. The partner either withdraws or fights back.
4. Sometimes my client later realizes that he or she overreacted and tries to make amends.
5. The pattern keeps repeating until the relationship ends.

How do people who get triggered describe their experience?

Here is a typical description from one of my clients:

Everything happens very fast. Too fast! One minute we are happy, and everything is fine, and the next minute I feel as if I am under attack. It feels like an emergency.

It does not occur to me to stop to think things through. I feel in danger, and I want to hurt my partner to punish them for causing me pain. If they try to defend themself, I get furious, and the situation escalates. I get even meaner. I am prepared to fight for hours even days. I need to win.

Later, after I cool down and have time to think about it, I am a bit embarrassed by my behavior. I often say incredibly hurtful things that I don’t really mean. Afterwards, I just want to forget the whole thing and move on as if nothing happened.

The Anatomy of a Trigger

I have used my clients stories to create what I think of as the “anatomy of a trigger.” Here is the basic pattern:

1. Your view radically narrows so that only the current moment and your response to it seem relevant—like looking through a microscope instead of a wide-angle camera.
2. You feel a sense of extreme urgency and believe that you have to act immediately or else something terrible will happen to you.
3. You lose sight of the big picture and do not see or understand the downside of your behavior.
4. Your basic goals are to take control of the situation, take revenge, punish your partner, and prevent something bad that you think this person might do to you in the future.
5. You may end up regretting how far you took things, if it negatively impacts your other goals—such as having a partner who loves you.

As a psychotherapist who specializes in the treatment of personality disorders, I have developed some methods to help my clients understand their reactions and get better control over what they do when they feel triggered.

Steps for Working with Your Triggers

When I work with my clients on their triggers, I explore the issues I have described above. Below are the type of questions and homework suggestions I use. You can adapt my therapy method to suit your own needs. I recommend that you start a therapy journal where you jot down your answers to these questions, your homework results, and any other related thoughts and insights that occur to you.

Step 1—Identify Your Triggers

1. What exactly are you reacting to?
2. What specifically has the other person done or said that triggered you?
3. Have you gotten triggered by similar things with other people?
4. How often do you get triggered by these things?

Homework: Write down everything you can think of that has the potential to trigger you. You can start with times you were triggered in the past. Then, going forward, keep track of when you get triggered and what caused it.

Goal: Encourage self-reflection and increase your awareness of what triggers you.

Step 2—Why Are You Triggered?

1. Why does what the other person did or said feel so important?
2. Are these triggers related to painful incidents in your past?
3. Think about the details of these past incidents, including how old you were, the circumstances, who was there, and what made these incidents so painful.
4. Can you see how your current sensitivities may have originated in these past traumatic incidents?

Homework: Write down the answers to the above questions and any insights that you have as you do this exercise. Going forward, when you feel triggered note exactly what the person is doing or saying and try and relate your response back to earlier painful incidents in your life that may have sensitized you to those issues.

Goal: Increase your awareness of the origins of your triggers.

Step 3—What Do You Feel When You Are Triggered?

1. What emotions are you feeling?
2. Why does it seem so urgent that you need to respond immediately?
3. What are you concerned might happen if you do not act?

Homework: Answer the above question based on your memories. Then pay close attention to how you feel going forward when you are triggered. Use your journal to keep track of your feelings after every incident.

Goal: Understand the feelings you are experiencing that lead you to act in ways that you later regret.

Step 4—What Story Are You Telling Yourself?

1. Think about this: The strength of your negative reaction when you are triggered depends on the story you tell yourself about how much danger you are in.
2. Try and get in touch with the stories you tell yourself when you are triggered, and the assumptions embedded in those stories.

Homework: Try and discover the story you tell yourself about your partner’s behavior that increases your sense of danger or betrayal and leads to you behaving so badly. Write an alternative story that also could be true which feels more calming.

Goal: Understand that your reaction is based on your assumptions, not objective truth.

Step 5–Do You Notice Your Impact on Your Relationship?

1. Are you able to pause to think things through when you are triggered?
2. Do you stop to weigh the possible long-term consequences of your response?
3. Are you able to consider the impact of your response on your partner and the future of your relationship?

Homework: Practice pausing when you are triggered. During the pause, think about the likely long-term effects of whatever you plan to say or do next.

Goal: Learn to pause to evaluate the long-term pros and cons of your possible responses.

Summary

Everyone gets emotionally triggered occasionally. However, if you frequently get triggered and often regret it later, you may be motivated to do something about this situation. The good news is that with hard work and a bit of guidance, you can update your responses to be less destructive to your relationships.