Why do some people fear solitude while others embrace it?

Key points

• Loneliness is when we feel our separateness as human beings and feel uneasy in our mental space.
• Some people experience less separation and so feel more comfortable with solitude.
• Healthy psychological development involves developing a positive relationship to solitude.

Source: Gantas Vaičiulėnas / Pexels

Some people are reluctant to spend time alone. Solitude makes them anxious and restless, and so they try to ensure that they’re always in the company of others. But other people have a completely different attitude toward solitude. Even if they enjoy the time they spend with others, they savor their moments of solitude. They find solitude therapeutic and essential to their well-being, a time to rest and reconnect themselves.

Solitude doesn’t necessarily mean loneliness. Loneliness is when we feel our separateness as human beings. We feel trapped inside our mental space, in separation from other human beings, and from a world that appears to be “out there.” (I refer to this as “ego-isolation.”) As the psychiatrist Frieda Fromm-Reichmann wrote in her seminal 1958 paper “Loneliness,” there is a threat to “self-orientation” too, since we derive our sense of self from “overt relationships with others.”¹ We need contact with others to maintain our sense of identity. In loneliness, our sense of identity weakens.

At the same time, loneliness involves experiencing the habitual restlessness of our minds, leaping from one association to the next, and often gravitating to negative thoughts. For people who suffer from more intense psychological discord, perhaps due to depressive tendencies or past trauma, loneliness is an even more negative experience.

Embracing Solitude

But why are some people much less affected by these negative aspects? Why do they feel comfortable with solitude, while others don’t?

Ego isolation is not a constant, or even a given. It exists on a continuum. In my book DisConnected, I describe the “hyper-disconnected” personality who experiences extreme separation and, therefore, has an intense fear of solitude and inactivity.² Hyper-disconnected people are unable to form any emotional connection to others or to feel empathy. Their intense separation typically generates an intense desire to accumulate success, power, and wealth, together with a deep unconscious frustration, which may express itself in violent and destructive behavior.

Hyper-disconnected people typically feel a compulsive need for activity and company to avoid experiencing the discomfort of their extreme separation. One example is the British business tycoon Robert Maxwell—father of Ghislaine Maxwell—whose hyper-disconnection was probably linked to early life experiences of trauma and emotional and material deprivation. In the words of one of Maxwell’s confidantes, “What drove him more than anything [was]…the desire to generate activity, no matter how pointless it was. Above all, he dreaded being on his own with nothing to do.”³

However, some people experience less ego isolation than others. A small proportion of people may experience very little separation at all and are therefore less prone to loneliness. Rather than seeking to avoid solitude, they may embrace it. Abraham Maslow identified a greater-than-normal need for peace and solitude as one of the characteristics of self-actualized individuals.⁴

In my own research—described in my book The Leap—I have found that a positive attitude to solitude is one of the characteristics of “wakefulness,” a state of expansive awareness with a strong sense of connection to other human and living beings, to nature, and to the world in general. Wakefulness can be cultivated gradually or arise suddenly and dramatically in the aftermath of intense psychological turmoil. In this state, people relish quietness and inactivity. Many people reported that they never felt lonely, even if they were alone for long periods. One participant reported, “I really love my quietude. It gives me the chance to read and delight and meditate in a different way that allows for reflection and for an ever-deepening.” Another person reported, “I can be on my own for long periods of time and doing nothing and that is okay with me.”⁵

In other words, our attitude to solitude and our vulnerability to loneliness depends on our degree of separation or connection, together with our degree of psychological discord.

The more ego isolation and psychological discord we experience, the more vulnerable we are to loneliness. But when we experience little or no ego separation, we relish solitude—and also inactivity. The compulsion to keep our minds occupied fades away

Healthy psychological development therefore involves developing a positive relationship to solitude and inactivity. Of course, this doesn’t mean that we should isolate ourselves from others—we should aim for a healthy balance of society and solitude. At the very least, we should learn not to fear the inevitable moments when we are obliged to be alone. On the contrary, we should view these periods as an opportunity to enter and explore our own inner being and to reattune to our essential selves.

In his poem “The Uprooted,” D.H. Lawrence vividly portrays the connection between ego isolation and loneliness. As he writes, “People who complain of loneliness must have lost something,/Lost some living connection with the cosmos, out of themselves… like a plant whose roots are cut.” For Lawrence himself, who lived in an intense state of connection, “To be alone is one of life’s greatest delights…feeling oneself uninterrupted in the rooted connection with the centre of all things.”⁶

References

1. Fromm-Reichmann, F. (1990). Loneliness. Contemporary Psychoanalysis 26, 305–329.

2. Taylor, S. (2023a). DisConnected: The Roots of Human Cruelty and How Connection Can Heal the World. Iff Books.

3. Preston, J. (2021). Fall: The Mystery of Robert Maxwell. Penguin.

4. Maslow, A. H. (1954). Motivation and Personality. Harper and Row.

5. Taylor, S. (2017). The Leap: The Psychology of Spiritual Awakening. New World Library

6. Lawrence, D.H. (1994). The Complete Poems. Penguin

By Fitness Hacks for Life Editorial Team

Mental health challenges can affect anyone, regardless of fame, wealth, or success. In recent years, several high-profile celebrities have openly shared their personal struggles, helping reduce stigma and encouraging others to seek support. Their willingness to speak honestly has made mental health discussions more visible and accessible.

Among the most vocal advocates is Billie Eilish. The Grammy-winning artist has discussed her experiences with depression, body dysmorphia, and the pressures of growing up in the public eye. By speaking candidly about her mental health journey, she has helped many young people feel less alone in their own struggles.

Justin Bieber has also been open about his experiences with anxiety, depression, and the impact of fame on his well-being. He has shared how prioritizing his mental health became essential to his personal growth and recovery, encouraging fans to recognize the importance of seeking help when needed.

Actress Sophie Turner has spoken publicly about living with depression, anxiety, and body image challenges. She has highlighted the value of therapy, support systems, and reaching out to trusted friends during difficult periods. Turner has also discussed how stepping back from social media and focusing on self-care has positively influenced her mental health.

These stories serve as powerful reminders that mental health struggles do not discriminate. When public figures share their experiences, they help create a culture where seeking support is viewed as a sign of strength rather than weakness. Their openness continues to encourage important conversations about mental wellness, recovery, and resilience.

Sources

1. Vogue. “Celebrities Are Speaking Up About Mental Health—And It’s Making a Difference.”
2. Vogue. “Sophie Turner on Depression and Mental Health.”
3. Vogue UK. “Celebrities Discussing Mental Health.”

This article is an original summary and commentary based on publicly available reporting from Vogue and Vogue UK. It is intended for educational and informational purposes.

By Babita Spinelli

Do a quick internet search for narcissism and you’re likely to find thousands of articles and accounts of dealing with a narcissist and they’re almost always male. It would be easy to assume that narcissism is a common, uniquely male trait. However, like other mental health issues, narcissism is not unique to one gender. And, it’s more than just a popular way to describe a self-centered partner.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a clinically diagnosed mental health disorder. This type of personality disorder is characterized by an exaggerated need for attention and admiration, perfectionism, grandiose behavior, and a profound lack of empathy for others. According to the American Psychiatric Association (2013), males account for about 50-75% of people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorders. The remaining 25-50% are women₁. Interestingly, they don’t seem to get as much attention as their male counterparts and they are also often underdiagnosed as NPD. It’s thought that one reason women are under-diagnosed with NPD is that their narcissistic behaviors are attributed to another diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder, for example).

Female narcissists are nothing new. Freud recognized narcissism in females. He even believed that females were actually more narcissistic than men₂.Whatever the reason for the gender gap in diagnosis, what we do know is that both men and women can be diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder.  The traits of NPD are not “male” or “female” biased. They both exhibit the traits of NPD. What seems to be the difference is the way in which narcissistic traits manifest in men and women_3,4.

The “Mean Girl”

Female narcissists often engage in what’s known as relational aggression. They are fiercely competitive and have an insatiable need for attention. Anyone seen as a threat is a target for their wrath. They will often single out and befriend the person they perceive as a “threat” whether it is to their appearance, their social status, their success or any other aspect of their lives. What seems to be an admiration of their target quickly becomes a relentless quest for ruin driven by envy and contempt.

The Cold Shoulder

Both male and female narcissists are capable of intense bouts of anger but how they show it is very different. Unlike male narcissists, female narcissists don’t get aggressive or explosive when they get angry. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. They seek to punish the person who offended them by withdrawing and withholding attention and affection. This withholding of contact can go on and on with the goal of drawing their target (who will do anything to win their affection) back in. All is well until the next time they’re mad.

Like their male counterparts, female narcissists have a tremendous need for control in every aspect of their lives and relationships. They have a clear script for their lives and expect everyone in it to be on script. Unlike their counterparts, however, female narcissists use different traits to control someone. While male narcissists tend to utilize their charm, their power and status to exert control, female narcissists tend to utilize guilt or even neglect to bring their target person back on script. The guilting can be relentless until the partner gives in and comes back into the fold.

Martyrdom

Narcissists aren’t always the gregarious, boastful person you think of when you think “narcissist”. Sometimes, they just don’t “look” like what you’d expect from a narcissist. But, under that exterior, the narcissistic traits remain.  This type of narcissism is known as covert narcissism.

Covert female narcissists, in particular, will often play the role of the virtuous victim. No one’s pain or sacrifice has ever been greater than theirs. They expect others to acknowledge and understand their pain as extraordinary when in fact, it may be rather minimal. If their suffering is not adequately acknowledged, they are offended and angered.

Poor Interpersonal Boundaries

Since a female narcissist’s need for attention admiration, and validation is insatiable, they will constantly seek it from something called a “narcissistic supply,” which is the co-dependent people they surround themselves with. Female narcissists expect to be in the limelight and cannot handle it when they feel they are being ignored. She will get angry, resort to deception and gas lighting, and push the boundaries, when she is not the focus of attention with friends, all in an effort to get the attention she is seeking. For a narcissist, even negative attention is better than no attention.

The female narcissist also likes to make herself the subject of male attention, even in inappropriate situations (such as work or a family gathering) – this is true even if the male is a friend’s partner.

Intimate Relationships

When it comes to intimate relationships, all narcissists tend to be highly skilled in the art of seduction. Female narcissists tend to use different methods to seduce their partners, though. Rather than turning on the charm to attract a partner (like one would expect), female narcissists will often use their bodies and physical appearance in very intentional, provocative ways. Female narcissists crave attention and delight in being the object of desire.  Their goal is to attract admirers and they are often surrounded by them. They will engage in emotional or physical affairs without remorse but keep their partner involved. No matter how much their partner gives, it is never enough.

Family

Children are a focal point for the female narcissist, and they can be quite overbearing parents. While male narcissists see children as more of an inconvenience, female narcissists often consider their children as sources of the validation and attention they desperately seek. They view their children as extensions of themselves. They will often choose one “golden child” and shower that child with attention and privilege, leaving the siblings isolated and excluded. Every accomplishment of the chosen child is seen as a direct reflection of their superior parenting.

Appearance

While both male and female narcissists are quite conscious of appearance, female narcissists take it to the next level. They tend to be overly pre-occupied with their looks and rely less on charm than their male counterparts. They place great value on aesthetics and will go to great lengths to look a certain way.  Hours may be spent on hair and makeup. They are quite status-conscious and may only wear the best designers or labels. Multiple plastic surgeries are not uncommon in their quest for perfection.

Money Matters

Female narcissists have a stronger-than-usual draw to money for a few reasons. Money can represent power and make them stand out in a group, which is what a female narcissist is looking for. Money also gives a female narcissist access to material goods, like designer clothes and expensive shoes, that can bring her the validation that she constantly craves.

It’s important to point out that a female narcissist doesn’t need to have a lot of money herself – she just likes to have access to money, whether it’s her own or money that someone else spends on her. Manipulating someone to spend excess amounts of money on her is another way that a female narcissist will exploit a relationship.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Though data suggest that female narcissists are not as common as male narcissists, they likely much more common than research would imply. Because their narcissistic traits often differ from those of male narcissists, it can be harder to identify a female narcissist. It’s almost like they are hiding in plain sight. They do exist, however, and are just as manipulative and vindictive as their male counterparts.

Next time you come across a woman who displays some of the traits mentioned in this article, ask yourself if they might have NPD. When you know what you’re dealing with, you are in a position to recognize problems and make healthy decisions that are in your best interest. When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, whether male or female, the most important tool you have is knowledge.

After Narcissistic Abuse

A relationship with a female narcissist can weaken your sense of self-worth, and trust in your own experiences, making it hard to form healthy relationships. In the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist, support is an essential part of the healing process. Working with a professional who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery will help equip you with the tools to understand what happened to you, avoid it in the future, and heal from the experience.

Facebook: @BabitaSpinelliTherapy
Instagram: @BabitaSpinelli

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association (5th.ed.). Washington DC.

2. Freud, S. (2014). On narcissism: An introduction. Read Books.https://www.sigmundfreud.net/on-narcissism-pdf-ebook.jsp

3. Richman,  J.A.& Flaherty, J.A. (1990). Gender differences in narcissistic styles. In: Plakun E, editor. New perspectives on narcissism. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association; pp. 37–100

4. Buss, D.M. & Chiodo, L.M. (1991). Narcissistic acts in everyday life. Journal of Personality, 59(2), 179-215.

Why breathing deeply is so important to your physical and mental health… not just your emotional well-being.

Breathe.

No seriously, I mean it. Close your eyes for a moment and take a breath. (It’s ok, nobody is looking at you.) Take a slow deep breath then let out all the air you can. All of it… until you feel your stomach muscles contracting.

If you dare, do it twice more. Then, breathe normally.

(Ok, now close your eyes and actually do it.)

Breathing is not only good because it keeps you alive. Breathing deeply is not just for your yoga class. Nope. Breathing deeply…

1. Improves your mental clarity and focus
2. Enhances your metabolism and digestive processes (Sounds too good to be true, right?)
3. Increases your energy levels
4. Improves your memory, processing speed, and mental agility
5. Improves your mood (I know you probably don’t need this, but just in case.)
6. Reduces your impulsivity, cravings, and addictions
7. Enhances your immune function

Why? Well, because…

• Breathing deeply oxygenates your blood cells
• Breathing deeply balances oxygen and carbon dioxide in your blood
• Breathing deeply removes carbon dioxide and toxins from body tissue
• Breathing deeply improves blood circulation
• Breathing deeply increases melatonin levels
• Breathing deeply reduces your heart rate
• Breathing deeply reduces your blood pressure
• Breathing deeply decreases your cortisol levels
• Breathing deeply reduces activation of pain centers in the brain
• Breathing deeply releases endorphins
• Breathing deeply releases muscle tension
• Breathing deeply reduces biomarkers for inflammation

Try this trick, it’s one of my favorites.

As you’re finishing your shower tomorrow morning, don’t turn off the water. Instead, spend an extra THREE minutes breathing deeply with your eyes closed.

It may take practice or feel uncomfortable at first.

As slowly as possible, breathe deeply for three minutes. We often run off to the next task or hurry to meet the immediate needs of those around us.

Instead, give yourself the gift of three minutes of breathing deeply. You deserve it. It’ll improve your day. And, those around you just might see a difference as well.

1. Assess your motivation, but honestly.

Boundaries are relationship expectations that establish how you do (and don’t) want to be treated.

After a breakup, many people struggle to set and maintain new boundaries with an ex.

Honestly evaluating why and how you want your ex in your life is key.

Source: Mixmike, Getty Images

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. —Brené Brown

After a breakup, the way we relate to our former romantic partner shifts dramatically. Sexual, romantic, and daily shared life patterns stop or morph, making way for a new normal for each partner. This leaves many in an uncomfortable state of transition, wondering whether they can still have their now-ex in their life—and how.

Transitioning from being lovers to friends, platonic colleagues, or even just civilized co-parents is much easier if there are good boundaries.

Boundaries are relationship expectations; they reflect how you want to be treated and what you’re going to do if someone violates those expectations (APA; Cloud & Townsend, 2017). This can include everything from how you want someone to talk to you to whether you want them to touch you to how much time you want to spend with them (Warren, 2023). In this way, boundaries keep you safe in your interpersonal relationships.

If you find yourself wanting a non-romantic relationship with your ex after a breakup—or if you must have one of necessity, because you work together or share parenting responsibilities—here are 4 steps to help you set new boundaries.

Step 1: Assess Your Motivation, Honestly

Before trying to be friends or non-romantic partners, it’s essential that you really explore what’s driving your desire to be connected in the first place. Why do you want to be friends with your ex? Is it because you really care about them and think you can add to one another’s life in a meaningful way as friends more than you could as lovers? Or, for example…:

• Do you want to stay connected because you’re afraid of being alone?
• Do you feel guilty about the breakup or your role in the relationship ending, so you’re trying to ease the pain?
• Do you selfishly want a tie to your ex because they’re still in love with you, to ease your ego in case your next relationship fails?
• Are you secretly aware that you want to continue a sexual connection with your ex without commitment but won’t directly tell your ex that?

Knowing why you want to stay connected is key to setting healthy relationship expectations. If you’re honest with yourself and realize that staying friends with your ex is coming from a less-healthy place that has nothing to do with them as a person, you may decide that cutting off contact is a better choice.

Step 2: Describe Your Ideal Relationship

Once you’ve honestly admitted your motivation for keeping your ex in your life, it’s time to figure out what an ideal non-romantic friendship with your ex would look like. Given that you’re no longer together, how do you want them to be in your life? Ask yourself questions like:

• What does “being friends” mean?
• How often do you want to talk or see one another?
• Do you still want to see them? When and under what conditions?
• Do you want a relationship or are you mostly hoping it’s not awkward to run into them because you have mutual friends?

In addition, are there any dealbreakers to being friends? For example, are there things you don’t want your ex to do, like stopping by unannounced; calling late at night; sending sexy photos; or continuing to have sexual interactions?

Get as clear as you can about how you would like—and not like—to have your ex in your life moving forward.

Step 3: Share Your Perspective With Your Ex

Now that you’ve figured out some of your motivation for being friends and what you’d like that relationship to look like, it’s time to share it with your ex and get their feedback to see whether a friendship works for them. For example, you may say something like:

I know things are changing between us because we broke up. Even though we’re not romantically together anymore, I want to be friends with you because I really care about you as a person. You’re funny and I really like you as a person—we just weren’t good together as romantic partners. What I hope is that we can be friends moving forward. To me, that means we can see each other once in a while—maybe grab coffee or catch up sometimes. I know we’ll run into each other at parties too.

What I really don’t want is for us to be awkward saying hi or feeling like we can’t interact anymore. Or for being friends to hurt either of us as we date new people. So, I think it’s better not to hook up with each other moving forward. What do you think about what I’ve said? Do you want to try to be friends with me? Do you think we can? Do you think it would be healthy for you?

Step 4: Evaluate Over Time

As you establish what you want and need in your new friendship with your ex, it will be important to continually see how it feels to you over time. If your ex acts in a way that is inconsistent with the new relationship you’ve outlined, it will be important to respond.

For example, if they continue to pursue sexual interactions even when you’ve said you aren’t available for them, you may need to say something like: “Please don’t come onto me in a romantic way; we aren’t together anymore”; “I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship with you anymore, so I’m not going to respond to your advances”; or, “I’d appreciate it if you don’t stop by my place unannounced anymore. If you do, I’m not going to let you in.”

Like all relationships, you’ll get more information as you go. If you find that your new interactions or way of relating isn’t healthy for you or them, change it until you find something that works. Ultimately, that may mean that you aren’t capable of being friends— at least not yet.

The Naked Truth

Clear boundaries exist in all healthy relationships. They establish the kind of relationship you’re willing to be in and how you will respond if someone treats you in a way that’s inconsistent with your values and personal needs. When you’re going through a breakup, setting new, clear boundaries for yourself and your ex is key to moving on in a healthy way—whether they ultimately stay in your life or not.

Copyright Cortney S. Warren, Ph.D., ABPP

Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. I cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet. Best on your continued journey.

Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a board-certified clinical psychologist and former tenured associate professor of psychology at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). She earned her bachelor’s degree from Macalester College in 2000 and her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Texas A&M

The money conversation nobody wants to have — and why it matters more than you think

By FitnessHacksForLife.org  |  Mental Health & Wellness Education

You survived raising kids. You built a career. You came through a divorce, or the loss of a partner, or decades of putting everyone else first. You know yourself in a way you simply did not at 25.

And then someone asks you to dinner.

Suddenly you are back in unfamiliar territory — not because dating is new, but because everything about your life is different now. Your finances. Your priorities. Your non-negotiables. And the person sitting across the table? They have their own complicated story too.

There is one topic that comes up faster than almost any other in relationships after 50, and it makes most people deeply uncomfortable: money. Who pays for the first date? What happens when one person earns significantly more? And what does any of this have to do with whether a relationship is actually going to work?

The answer, according to therapists and financial planners who work with older adults, is: more than most people realize.

Why Money Gets More Complicated After 50

In your 20s, money conversations were relatively simple. You were both broke, or close to it. You split the pizza. Nobody was worried about pension income or spousal support or whether their retirement account was on track.

By 50, the financial landscape looks completely different — and far more varied. Some people have their retirement savings fully dialed in. Others have not saved a dollar. Some are supporting adult children. Some carry significant debt from a divorce. Some are receiving alimony that would stop the moment they remarry or even move in with someone.

And crucially, spending habits are largely set by this point. A natural saver is not going to suddenly become comfortable with lavish spending, and someone who has built their life around experiences and travel is not going to stop prioritizing those things. These are not flaws — they are simply who people are. But they are things that two people need to understand about each other before a relationship gets serious.

The First Date Question Nobody Wants to Ask

The simplest money moment in any new relationship — who pays for the first date — is often treated as a minefield. But therapists suggest it does not have to be.

When the bill arrives, a simple open question works surprisingly well: “How would you like to handle this?” or “What feels right to you?” It is direct without being confrontational, and the answer tells you something real about the other person — not just their financial situation, but their approach to fairness, generosity, and communication in a relationship.

If they say “I will get this one and maybe you can get the next one,” that is a good signal they are thinking about a future with you. If they hesitate or seem uncomfortable with the question itself, that is information too.

As relationships continue, many couples naturally settle into an arrangement where the higher earner pays more often — particularly for more expensive activities like travel or nicer restaurants. Others prefer to split everything down the middle regardless of income differences. Neither approach is wrong. What matters is that both people feel the arrangement is fair.

5 Money Conversations Worth Having Before Things Get Serious

• How did your family talk about money when you were growing up? Money habits are often deeply rooted in childhood. Asking about the past opens the door to understanding how someone thinks about spending, saving, and financial security today — without it feeling like an interrogation.
• How do you like to spend your free time? This is a low-pressure way to understand lifestyle priorities. Someone who talks about frequent travel, golf memberships, or nightly dining out is signaling something about how they value spending. Someone who gravitates toward hiking, cooking at home, or free community events is signaling something different. Neither is better — but compatibility matters.
• What does your retirement picture look like? This is the big one for this stage of life. If one partner wants to stop working at 60 and travel the world, and the other plans to work until 70 and has no savings, that is not a small difference. It is a fundamental lifestyle incompatibility that will not resolve itself.
• What financial responsibilities are you carrying? Debts, adult children needing financial support, alimony being paid or received, shared ownership of property with an ex — these are not dealbreakers for most people, but they are things a partner deserves to know about. Bringing them up early removes the potential for them to feel like hidden surprises later.
• If we were to build a life together, how would we handle finances? Some people at this stage strongly prefer to keep finances separate. Others want full transparency and joint accounts. Most land somewhere in between. Knowing where each person stands before making a major commitment prevents conflict down the road.

The Emotional Side of Money

Money is rarely just about money. For many people, financial security is deeply tied to feelings of safety, control, and self-worth. Someone who grew up in scarcity may have an almost physical reaction to overspending. Someone who went through a painful divorce that wiped out their savings may be fiercely protective of financial independence in a new relationship.

Approaching these conversations with curiosity rather than judgment — genuinely wanting to understand where the other person is coming from — makes all the difference. The goal is not to find someone with an identical financial philosophy. It is to find someone you can be honest with, and who can be honest with you.

The couples who navigate money well in relationships after 50 are not always the ones who agree on everything. They are the ones who have learned to talk about it.

Need support navigating relationships, mental health, or major life transitions? Find a therapist or counselor for free at TheraConnect.net. More free mental health resources and wellness tools: https://fitnesshacksforlife.org/resources/

How to Co-Parent With a Narcissist — What Actually Works

By the Fitness Hacks for Life Editorial Team

---

If you’ve typed “how to co-parent with a narcissist” into a search engine at 11pm, you already know this: the standard advice doesn’t work.

Keep communication civil. Focus on the kids. Stay flexible.

That guidance was written for two reasonable adults who simply fell out of love. It does not account for the late pickup that was never an accident, the email that arrives Friday afternoon to derail your weekend, or the way your child comes home from the other parent’s house saying things they shouldn’t know.

Here’s the hard truth that most co-parenting advice skips: true co-parenting with a narcissist is, in most cases, not possible.

A narcissist craves total control of a situation that keeps them calling the shots and setting the standards. At best, one can adopt a method of parallel parenting with strict boundaries and legal protection.

That distinction — between co-parenting and parallel parenting — is where everything changes.

---

Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting: What’s the Difference?

Co-parenting assumes two adults can coordinate, compromise, and communicate in good faith. It works when both people, despite their differences, share a fundamental commitment to the child’s wellbeing above their own ego.

Parallel parenting assumes no such good faith. With parallel parenting, both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives, but parents are not expected to engage with one another directly. The goal is to reduce conflict and provide a stable environment for children. Communication is confined strictly to matters concerning the child, such as health emergencies or significant educational decisions.

Think of it this way: co-parenting is a collaboration. Parallel parenting is a business arrangement between two parties who do not trust each other — with the child’s wellbeing as the only agenda item.

The shift in framing alone can be a relief.

---

Why Narcissists Make Co-Parenting So Hard

To survive parallel parenting, it helps to understand what’s actually driving the behaviour you’re dealing with.

The primary driver of the narcissist’s post-separation behaviour is not love. It is the need to maintain power over you. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, PhD, licensed psychologist and one of the most clinically credible voices in narcissistic abuse research, explains: narcissists do not relate to children as independent beings with their own inner lives. They relate to people — including their own children — as objects that either provide narcissistic supply or threaten it.

This is why every custody exchange feels like a battle. It’s not about the logistics. It’s about control.

Research shows that narcissistic parents are deeply invested in how they appear to others. They want the admiration that comes with being seen as the “fun” or “involved” parent, but often avoid the day-to-day responsibilities that don’t give them praise. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Child Custody found that narcissistic co-parents frequently undermine communication and consistency because it keeps the other parent off-balance — refusing to answer messages or ignoring agreements isn’t laziness, it’s strategy.

Once you understand that, the chaos stops feeling like an accident. And once it stops feeling like an accident, you can stop trying to fix it and start building around it.

---

8 Strategies That Actually Work

1. Shift to parallel parenting — officially

Stop trying to co-parent. Adopt the parallel parenting mindset: separate households, separate rules, minimal contact. Your parenting plan should outline your custody and parenting time schedule, locations and times for custody exchanges, transportation responsibilities, anticipated expenses, and how to share those costs. An exhaustively detailed schedule establishes accountability and discourages challenging behaviour from your ex.

The more specific your plan, the less room there is for manipulation.

2. Use the BIFF method for every communication

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. Developed by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., attorney and mediator who pioneered high-conflict personality research, BIFF is a communication strategy that deprives high-conflict personalities of emotional supply while maintaining a legally clean paper trail.

In practice, it looks like this:

“Emma has a dentist appointment Thursday at 4pm at [address]. Please confirm you can drop her off by 3:45.”

Not: “I’ve reminded you three times about this appointment. It would be great if just once you could…”

Keep messages brief — no more than a few sentences. Informative: give only the facts. Friendly: keep it professional and neutral, not warm, just not hostile. Firm: state your position and end the conversation.

The narcissist cannot argue with a fact. They can only argue with emotion. Remove the emotion, and you remove the fuel.

3. Move all communication to a documented app

Stop texting. Stop calling. Tools like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents create a court-admissible record. This transparency often reduces the “keyboard courage” of a high-conflict ex.

When every message is logged and potentially court-visible, the tone of communication often changes. And if it doesn’t, you have documentation.

4. Never defend yourself in writing

This is one of the hardest habits to break — and one of the most important.

When you stop defending yourself against accusations — not because the accusations don’t hurt, but because defending yourself only gives more material and more control — you remove the fuel from escalation. Without engagement, escalation has no fuel.

When your narcissistic ex sends a 1,200-word email accusing you of parental alienation, the BIFF response is: “I’ve received your message.” That’s it. Nothing more.

5. Protect your children from triangulation

One of the most damaging aspects of parallel parenting with a narcissist is how they use children as messengers, spies, and weapons in their ongoing conflict with you. Protecting your children from this triangulation is essential for their emotional development.

When your child comes home with a message or a question that sounds like it came from the other parent, a simple script helps: “You don’t need to carry messages between your mum/dad and me. Adults can talk to each other directly. Your job is just to be a kid.”

Say it warmly. Say it consistently. Over time, it creates a boundary without making the child feel caught in the middle.

6. Don’t take the bait on manufactured emergencies

A common pattern in high-conflict co-parenting is the “Friday afternoon emergency” — a child has a cough, a positive test, or a school issue, and suddenly the narcissist is demanding a change in the schedule. Apply the same BIFF framework to those interactions: verify whether it’s a genuine medical emergency or an inconvenience, and stick to the agreed plan unless safety is genuinely at risk.

Non-emergencies framed as emergencies are a manipulation tactic. Recognising the pattern makes it easier to respond rather than react.

7. Build your own household as a haven

You cannot control what happens in the other parent’s home. What you can control is what happens in yours.

The research on resilience in children is consistent: a single reliably safe, warm attachment figure is sufficient to build a child’s capacity for secure relationships and emotional regulation. You don’t need the other parent to be healthy. You need to be healthy, present, and consistent. That is enough to change your child’s trajectory.

This is worth sitting with. You do not need to win every battle. You need to be the stable parent. Consistently, over time, that is what children remember.

8. Get legal protection — in writing

Verbal agreements mean nothing with a narcissist. Everything needs to be in the custody order. Creating a custody plan with a narcissistic ex-partner is a task best left to legal professionals.

Include: pickup and drop-off times and locations, communication channels and expected response times, what constitutes an emergency, holiday schedules, school decision-making rights, and consequences for violations. The more specific the order, the harder it is to manipulate.

---

What Happens to Your Children

Research shows children of narcissistic parents are more likely to struggle with anxiety, self-esteem, and boundary-setting as adults because they grow up in environments where love feels conditional and responsibility is used as a tool of control.

That is the difficult truth. But the research on resilience is equally clear: your presence, stability, and warmth as a parent is genuinely protective. Children who have one healthy, secure attachment can go on to build healthy relationships, even if the other parent is not capable of providing that.

Your children need you to protect your own mental health — not because you deserve it (though you do), but because your steadiness is their best resource.

---

When to Get Support

Co-parenting with a narcissist is a repeated exposure to stress, manipulation, and often trauma. Every exchange, every manipulative text, every court filing is another activation of a nervous system that never fully got to stop being on alert. Understanding this means you can stop blaming yourself for not “handling it better” and start giving yourself the kind of support trauma recovery actually requires.

A therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse can help you:

• Process the grief of the relationship and the co-parenting situation you didn’t choose
• Build strategies for managing your nervous system during high-conflict interactions
• Separate your triggers from your child’s actual needs
• Stop the emotional drain so you have more to give your children

If you’re looking for a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, TheraConnect is a free directory of licensed professionals who specialise in exactly this. Browse at your own pace — no referral needed.

---

You Are Not Doing This Wrong

If parallel parenting with a narcissist is exhausting and confusing and nothing like what you imagined co-parenting would look like — that is not a failure on your part.

You are managing something genuinely hard. The strategies above are not magic. Your ex will not suddenly cooperate. But over time, the combination of clear structure, minimal engagement, documented communication, and a stable home environment shifts the dynamic enough that you can breathe again.

Your child needs you to breathe again.

---

If you’re experiencing emotional distress or feel you may be in crisis, please reach out for support. Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) — free, confidential, available 24/7.

---

Sources:

• Durvasula, R. (2024). It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People. Penguin Life.
• Eddy, B. (2011). BIFF: Quick Responses to High-Conflict People. Unhooked Books.
• McBride, K. (2015). Will I Ever Be Free of You? Atria Books.
• Psychology Today. (2021). Co-Parenting With a Narcissist: The Impossible Dream. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-in-the-age-narcissism/202107/co-parenting-narcissist-the-impossible-dream
• Wright, A., LMFT. (2026). Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: How to Protect Your Child. https://anniewright.com/coparenting-with-narcissist/
• Wright, A., LMFT. (2026). Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist: A Complete Guide. https://anniewright.com/parallel-parenting-narcissist/
• TalkingParents. (2024). Parallel Parenting with a Narcissist. https://talkingparents.com/blog/parallel-parenting-with-narcissist
• Journal of Child Custody. (2015). Cited in: Narcissistic Abuse Survival. https://narcissisticabusesurvival.org
• Eddy, B. via SeiferFlatow Law. (2025). Communicating Effectively With a Narcissistic Ex: The BIFF Method. https://seiferflatowlaw.com

By the Fitness Hacks for Life Editorial Team

---

You’ve heard them before. Maybe so many times they started to feel normal.

“You’re too sensitive.” “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “You’re lucky I put up with you.”

If certain phrases from someone in your life have left you doubting your own memory, questioning your reactions, or feeling quietly ashamed — this article is for you.

Narcissists don’t share a script. But research and clinical experience reveal a striking pattern: regardless of background, age, or relationship type, people with strong narcissistic traits tend to reach for the same phrases. There is no single definitive list of phrases narcissists use, but common ones like “my exes are all crazy” and “you’re too sensitive” appear repeatedly — because they serve a specific function: creating confusion, making you question your reality, and keeping you engaged on the narcissist’s terms.

Understanding what these phrases actually mean — beneath the words — is one of the most powerful things you can do for your mental health.

---

Why Narcissists Say the Same Things

Narcissists are usually the most insecure people in the room but have established a way of appearing ultra-confident. The hallmarks of narcissism are entitlement, a lack of empathy, and the inability to maintain reciprocal relationships.

Their language is a tool. Every phrase has a job: to deflect accountability, maintain control, or keep you off-balance. Once you can name what a phrase is doing, it loses a significant amount of its power.

Here are 10 of the most common — and what they’re really communicating.

---

1. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This one sounds like an apology. It isn’t.

Instead of attempting to understand how you feel, the narcissist immediately rejects your feeling and labels it “yours.” They do not accept it and refuse to even contemplate why you feel the way you do. This anti-empathic statement demonstrates they do not care to understand where you are coming from.

Compare that to a genuinely empathic response: “I get that you’re hurt. Help me understand.” The difference is everything. One enters your world; the other slams the door.

What it’s really saying: Your feelings are inconvenient, and I’m not responsible for them.

---

2. “You’re too sensitive.”

This phrase does double duty: it dismisses your reaction and reframes the entire situation as a problem with you, not with what was said or done.

According to Dr. Patricia Dixon, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in relationship issues, this kind of phrase “deflects focus from the purported behavior and onto the other person’s anger or inadequacy, reframing the exchange as criticism of the victim rather than of the narcissist.”

Over time, being told you’re “too sensitive” can erode your ability to trust your own emotional responses. That erosion is not an accident.

What it’s really saying: Your feelings are a flaw, not valid information.

---

3. “You ruined it.”

You raised a concern. You expressed hurt. And somehow, you’re now the villain.

The narcissist is usually shocked and indignant when you attempt to address an issue or tell them they hurt you. They get dramatic, as if mortally wounded, or withdraw entirely — communicating that you are not allowed to confront them or express a feeling they don’t like. Then they accuse you of wrecking everything.

If you have a strong conscience, this accusation lands hard. But consider what it’s actually asking: that you never raise an issue, never say you’ve been hurt, never ask for something different. That is not a relationship. That is a performance where you are expected to stay silent.

What it’s really saying: Accountability is off the table.

---

4. “You have anger issues.”

This phrase typically appears mid-argument — specifically after you’ve reacted to something unfair.

A narcissistic partner often deflects and projects — instead of looking inward, they immediately blame you. Being unfairly attacked when you are not the one who made the mistake is naturally maddening. The narcissist takes advantage of this and accuses you of being “out of control.” In reality, they may be the rageful one.

Here is a clarifying distinction: if you can say “I am really frustrated right now,” you are coping with your anger in a healthy way. The ability to name a feeling is emotional regulation. Lashing out instead of naming it — that’s the anger problem.

What it’s really saying: I’m turning your justified reaction into evidence against you.

---

5. “Everyone agrees with me.”

Narcissists see themselves as special and better than everyone else. They believe others should feel grateful to be in their orbit because everyone else is so flawed in comparison.

Invoking a unanimous invisible chorus — “everyone thinks you’re overreacting,” “your friends told me they’re worried about you” — serves two purposes: it isolates you and it creates the illusion that your perspective is the outlier. It rarely can be verified. It isn’t meant to be.

What it’s really saying: You are alone in seeing this differently.

---

6. “After everything I’ve done for you.”

As Dr. Jason Walker, PsyD, program director at Adler University explains, this phrase is “basically their way of saying, ‘You owe me’” — often used to rewrite history and diminish the work of others.

The phrase converts any kindness, any gesture, any act of care into a debt that can be called in at any moment. It weaponises generosity. It transforms love into a transaction — and you into a debtor who can never fully repay.

What it’s really saying: My love is conditional, and right now you’re behind.

---

7. “My ex was crazy.”

Things narcissists say often reveal their need for control and validation, even when their words seem harmless at first. The “all my exes are crazy” narrative is a red flag worth sitting with — especially early in a relationship.

If every previous partner was unstable, villainous, or impossible — the common denominator is worth noting. It also serves as a quiet warning to you: this is what happens to people who don’t comply.

What it’s really saying: People who challenge me get rewritten as the problem.

---

8. “I was just joking. You can’t take a joke.”

Cruelty with a punchline is still cruelty. This phrase allows the narcissist to say something genuinely hurtful and then outsource the problem to your sense of humour.

It’s a manipulation tactic known as plausible deniability — the comment is protected by the word joke, so confronting it makes you seem humourless, uptight, or difficult. You end up apologising for being hurt instead of the other person apologising for the hurt.

What it’s really saying: I can say whatever I want, and if you object, that’s your problem.

---

9. “You’re lucky to have me.”

Many narcissists are chronically disappointed by others and put them down with cutting, mean-spirited remarks. They also frequently resort to manipulative tactics like threats or intimidation to keep people invested in the relationship — they feel safer maintaining control than sharing power.

“You’re lucky to have me” is a subtle but persistent form of this control. It positions the relationship as a gift being extended to you, rather than a mutual choice between two equals. Over time, it shrinks your sense of your own value.

What it’s really saying: You need me more than I need you.

---

10. “I never said that.”

Also known as gaslighting — one of the most disorienting experiences in any relationship.

Research into the psycholinguistic patterns of narcissistic personality disorder, published in peer-reviewed literature, shows that language use in NPD is deeply tied to its core features: grandiosity, lack of empathy, and the manipulation of interpersonal dynamics. Denying what was said is one of the most direct ways to destabilise someone’s grip on their own reality.

If you find yourself keeping notes, screenshots, or mental logs of conversations just to feel certain of what happened — that is information worth taking seriously.

What it’s really saying: Your memory is unreliable. Mine is the only valid version of events.

---

What To Do When You Recognise These Phrases

Recognising the pattern is the first step. The second is understanding that you cannot argue, reason, or love a narcissist out of these behaviours. The phrases are not slips — they are strategies.

If these patterns feel familiar, some things that can help:

Ground yourself in your own experience. Your feelings are data. They don’t need to be approved by the person who caused them.

Limit the JADE response. JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. Narcissists use the space created by your explaining yourself to find new angles of attack. The less you explain, the less material they have.

Talk to someone outside the relationship. Narcissistic abuse often involves isolation — the world slowly shrinking to just the two of you. A trusted friend, family member, or therapist can offer perspective that restores your sense of reality.

Consider professional support. A therapist experienced in narcissistic abuse and trauma-informed care can be transformative. If you’re looking for someone to talk to, TheraConnect is a free directory of licensed therapists who specialise in exactly this.

---

You are not too sensitive. You are not crazy. You are not lucky — you are worthy of a relationship where your feelings are met with curiosity, not weaponised against you.

Recognising the language is where it starts.

---

If you’re experiencing emotional distress or feel you may be in crisis, please reach out for support. Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) — free, confidential, available 24/7.

---

Sources:

• Leonard, E. (2024). 3 Phrases Narcissistic Partners Use During Conflicts. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/202402/3-phrases-a-narcissistic-partner-uses-during-a-confrontation
• Warren, C.S. (2025). Harvard-trained psychologist: 7 phrases highly narcissistic people love to use. CNBC. https://www.cnbc.com/2025/04/05/harvard-psychologist-phrases-narcissists-love-to-use-and-how-to-respond.html
• Dixon, P. & Walker, J. (2025). Psychologists Say High-Level Narcissists Use These 8 Phrases. Parade. https://parade.com/living/phrases-high-level-narcissists-use-according-to-psychologists
• Durvasula, R. (2023). A psychologist shares 6 toxic phrases ‘highly narcissistic’ people always use. CNBC. https://www.cnbc.com/2023/04/30/psychologist-shares-toxic-phrases-highly-narcissistic-people-always-use-and-how-to-respond.html
• Choosing Therapy. (2024). 33 Things Narcissists Say & What They Really Mean. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/things-narcissists-say/
• Alsawy, S. et al. (2024). Narcissistic Personality Disorder through psycholinguistic analysis and neuroscientific correlates. PMC / National Institutes of Health. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11299496/

Research explores how loneliness affects people’s perception of relationships.

• Loneliness increases when people do not feel cared for.
• Loneliness increases when people feel others do not like them.
• Loneliness leads people to underestimate the care and regard of others.
• This misperception can create a vicious cycle.

When people don’t feel like their needs for connection to others are being met, they experience a feeling of loneliness. Everyone feels lonely every once in a while, but feeling lonely over the long-term is associated with many psychological and health problems. So, it is valuable to better understand what factors can lead loneliness to persist over time.

A paper by Edward Lemay, Jennifer Cutri, and Nadya Teneva published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2024 suggests an important way that loneliness can become a chronic condition. As you might expect, people feel lonely when they believe that other people are not supporting them and also when they believe that other people don’t really like them or think that they are good people. These authors suggest that feelings of loneliness decrease people’s sense that they are being cared for and whether other people have a good opinion of them. That feeling of a lack of care and regard by others then amplifies the feeling of loneliness in a vicious cycle.

This paper presented three studies that used similar methods. In each study, several hundred participants were enrolled in the study. In some studies, participants made judgments about a variety of different kinds of significant others (parents, friends, romantic partners) and some studies focused on romantic partners. I will describe one study from this paper as an example, but the results from all studies supported the same overall conclusions.

In Study 2 in the paper, more than 200 romantic couples participated. Each member of the couple rated their loneliness using an established scale. They rated how much they felt cared for by their partner and how much they held their partner in esteem. They also rated how much they felt cared for and highly-regarded by their partner. This study also had the couple identify some friends who knew them well who could rate how much each member of the couple cared for each other and held each other in high regard. Finally, the couple filled out a daily diary for two weeks in which they rated their daily loneliness, their care and regard for their partner, and how much they felt care and regard from their partner. Each member of the couple also rated their satisfaction with the relationship overall.

The results were consistent with the idea that loneliness affects the perception of feeling cared for and being held in high regard. Overall, people’s perception that they are cared for by their partner and held in high regard by their partner go up with the strength of the ratings of care and regard by their partner. That is, people are generally pretty accurate in judging the care and regard they receive. However, the lonelier a person rates themselves to be, the more they underestimate the care and regard they receive. That is, being lonely leads you to feel less cared for and less highly regarded than you actually are. The same result was observed when using the judgments of friends about care and regard, suggesting that lonely people really are misperceiving how much care and regard they receive.

The daily diary story told a similar story. The lonelier someone was on one day, the more they tended to underestimate the amount of care and regard they received from their partner on the following day.

There was one other important analysis. In this data set, the more care a partner shows and the higher the regard of that partner, the more that an individual feels satisfied with their relationship. Because loneliness decreases a person’s perception of care and regard, it also decreases their satisfaction with the relationship. So, lonely people’s misperceptions feed back and decrease their relationship satisfaction, which then makes them feel lonely.

article continues after advertisement

This research suggests that when you are feeling lonely, you need to mistrust your perceptions of your relationships. Since you are likely to feel less well cared for and less highly regarded when you’re lonely than when you’re not, you should look for evidence of other people’s care and regard to help make you feel better about your relationships. Recognize that your loneliness can act to sustain itself, so you may need to work to snap yourself out of that cycle.

References

Lemay, E. P., Jr., Cutri, J., & Teneva, N. (2024). How loneliness undermines close relationships and persists over time: The role of perceived regard and care. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 127(3), 609–637. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000451