If you’ve ever looked up the cost of therapy and quietly closed the tab, you’re not alone. Private-pay therapy in the United States commonly runs $100–$250 per session, and for the millions of people without insurance — or with insurance that covers almost no mental health care — that math simply doesn’t work. Here’s what most people don’t know: the sticker price is not the only price. There is an entire layer of sliding-scale programs, tax-advantaged accounts, training clinics, and free community resources built specifically for people in your situation. This guide walks through 12 of them, from lowest-cost to most flexible, so you can find the one that fits your budget and your life.

A quick note before we start: none of this requires you to prove poverty, tell a sob story, or settle for lower-quality care. Sliding-scale and community-based therapists are fully licensed professionals. Asking about cost options is normal, expected, and something good therapists genuinely want you to do. And you know we are a self-help site. We wanted to add this so you have information

1. Search a therapist directory and filter for what you can afford

The fastest way to find affordable care is to stop calling offices one by one and start with a directory, where you can see specialties, session formats, and payment options in one place before you ever pick up the phone. Our team built TheraConnect (theraconnect.net) for exactly this reason — a nationwide directory where you can browse licensed mental health providers and contact them directly. When you reach out, ask two questions up front: “Do you offer a sliding scale?” and “Do you have any reduced-fee openings?” Many therapists reserve a few reduced-rate spots in their caseload but don’t advertise them; the openings go to the people who ask.

2. Sliding-scale therapy: pay what your income allows

A sliding scale means the therapist adjusts their fee based on your income — the same session that costs one client $180 might cost you $60. Some therapists post their scale openly; most handle it in a brief conversation. Be honest about what you can sustainably pay per month (not per session), because consistency matters more in therapy than intensity. A realistic script: “I’m paying out of pocket. My budget is around $X per session — do you have sliding-scale availability, or could you refer me to a colleague who does?” Therapists refer to each other constantly; even a “no” usually comes with two names attached.

3. Open Path Collective: reduced-rate sessions nationwide

Open Path Psychotherapy Collective is a nonprofit network of licensed therapists who have agreed to see members at steeply reduced rates — typically in the range of $40–$80 per session for individuals. You pay a one-time lifetime membership fee (under $100), and there’s no income documentation circus. For someone who wants ongoing weekly therapy with a private therapist, this is often the single biggest cost-saver on this list.

4. Community mental health centers

Every state funds community mental health centers that provide therapy, psychiatry, and crisis services on a sliding scale — often down to nominal fees for low-income clients. They serve people regardless of insurance status. Search “[your county] community mental health center,” or call 211 (see Option 10) and ask to be connected. Waitlists exist in some areas, so get on the list even while you pursue other options; you can always decline the slot later.

5. Federally Qualified Health Centers (FQHCs)

FQHCs are federally funded clinics required to serve everyone on a sliding fee scale based on income and family size — and most now include behavioral health services alongside medical care. You can find one near you through the Health Resources and Services Administration’s search tool at findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov. If you also need low-cost medical or dental care, an FQHC can consolidate all of it in one place.

6. University training clinics: quality care at student prices

Universities with graduate programs in psychology, counseling, social work, and marriage and family therapy run training clinics where advanced students see clients under the close supervision of licensed faculty. Sessions often cost $10–$50. The “student” label scares some people off, but it shouldn’t: trainees follow evidence-based protocols carefully, bring fresh energy, and every case is reviewed by an experienced supervisor — in a sense, you get two clinicians for the price of a fraction of one. Search “psychology training clinic near me” or check the websites of any university within driving distance.

7. Use your HSA or FSA to pay pre-tax

If you have a Health Savings Account or Flexible Spending Account through work, therapy for a mental health condition is generally an eligible medical expense under IRS rules (see IRS Publication 502, which lists psychological and psychiatric care). Paying with pre-tax dollars effectively discounts every session by whatever your tax rate is — often 20–30%. Two caveats: therapy pursued for general life coaching rather than care of a condition may not qualify, and plan rules vary, so a quick call to your HSA/FSA administrator before your first session is worth it. Keep your receipts and, if your administrator asks, a letter of medical necessity from a provider.

8. Check your job for an EAP (most people never use theirs)

Employee Assistance Programs typically include a handful of completely free therapy sessions per issue, per year — and they extend to household members more often than people realize. Utilization rates are famously low, mostly because employees either don’t know the benefit exists or worry about privacy. EAP sessions are confidential; your employer learns nothing about who used it or why. Check your HR portal or benefits packet for “EAP,” and if you find one, that’s potentially 3–8 free sessions before you spend a dollar.

9. Group therapy and support groups

Group therapy led by a licensed clinician usually costs a fraction of individual therapy — and for issues like anxiety, grief, and relationship patterns, research consistently finds it can be comparably effective. Peer support groups go one step further: organizations like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and Mental Health America offer free, peer-led support groups nationwide, both in person and online, and NAMI’s programs for family members are also free. Groups aren’t a lesser option; hearing “me too” from people living the same struggle is a kind of medicine individual therapy can’t replicate.

10. Call 211 — the shortcut most people don’t know exists

Dialing 211 (or visiting 211.org) connects you with a trained specialist who can look up low-cost and free mental health services in your zip code — including options that never show up in a Google search because small community programs rarely invest in SEO. It’s free, confidential, and available in most of the United States. Five minutes on the phone can save you five hours of searching.

11. Ask about session frequency, shorter sessions, and therapist negotiation

Affordability isn’t only about the per-session price — it’s about the monthly total. Many therapists will work with a motivated client on structure: biweekly sessions instead of weekly, 30-minute check-ins instead of 50-minute sessions, or a short-term, goal-focused course of therapy (8–12 sessions) rather than an open-ended arrangement. Between sessions, structured tools like guided journaling can help you keep momentum without adding cost. The therapist’s goal is for therapy to be sustainable for you; a plan you can afford beats a perfect plan you quit in a month.

12. Free and immediate resources for hard moments

If cost is keeping you from getting help during a crisis, skip the budgeting entirely: the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) is free and available 24/7, and the Crisis Text Line (text HOME to 741741) connects you with a trained volunteer counselor by text. These aren’t therapy replacements, but they are real support from real people at the moments that matter most — at zero cost. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911.

The bottom line

The full private-pay price of therapy is what you pay only when you don’t know your options. Between sliding scales, Open Path, community clinics, training programs, pre-tax dollars, free EAP sessions, and peer support, most people can assemble care that fits a real-world budget — often for less than a streaming-services bill. Start with one step this week: search a directory, call 211, or email one therapist and ask the sliding-scale question. The asking is the hardest part, and you only have to do it once.

This article is for educational purposes and isn’t a substitute for professional advice. If you’re struggling, you deserve support — and if you’d like help finding it, that’s exactly what these resources are for.

FAQ

How much does therapy cost without insurance?

Private-pay rates commonly range from $100 to $250 per session, depending on location and specialty — but sliding scales, Open Path Collective, community clinics, and training clinics can bring that down to $10–$80 per session.

Does HSA or FSA money cover therapy?

Generally, yes, when therapy is used to care for a mental health condition, psychological and psychiatric care appear in IRS Publication 502’s list of eligible medical expenses. Confirm specifics with your plan administrator and keep receipts.

Is sliding-scale therapy lower quality?

No. Sliding-scale therapists are the same licensed professionals charging the same clients different rates based on income. Many therapists consider reduced-fee spots part of their professional ethics.

How do I ask a therapist about lower fees?

Directly and briefly: “I’m paying out of pocket and my budget is around $X per session. Do you offer a sliding scale, or could you refer me to someone who does?” This is a routine question therapists hear weekly.

What’s the fastest free option if I’m struggling right now?

Call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). Both are free, confidential, and available 24/7.

Open Path Psychotherapy Collective — openpathcollective.org (membership model and session rates)

HRSA Find a Health Center — findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov (FQHC locator and sliding fee scale requirement)

IRS Publication 502, Medical and Dental Expenses — irs.gov/publications/p502 (psychological/psychiatric care as eligible expenses)

211 / United Way — 211.org (free referral service)

NAMI Support Groups — nami.org/Support-Education/Support-Groups (free peer-led groups)

Mental Health America — mhanational.org (support group and screening resources)

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — 988lifeline.org; Crisis Text Line — crisistextline.org

Self-respect is an important concept in understanding the human condition. It refers to the positive regard for oneself and the willingness to be held accountable for one’s actions. It also involves a personal understanding of values, beliefs, and goals and a strong sense of self-control and autonomy. Self-respect can help you become more successful in life and manifest itself into tangible rewards such as business success.

Three parts of self-respect

Competence

Self-respect is largely associated with competence or mastery over a task, relationship, or situation. When someone has high self-esteem, they are more likely to take on challenges and persist until they have achieved mastery of their goal. By doing so, people who practice self-respect demonstrate their commitment to learning and growing, which leads to improved performance in all areas of life. This competence often translates into greater business success when leading teams or dealing with customers or clients.

Confidence

Achieving mastery over a task also gives rise to more confidence in decision-making processes within business environments. People with self-respect tend to have great faith in their ability to make decisions that will benefit them in the short term and long term. This confidence builds trust among customers and clients, leading to increased sales opportunities and better relationships with partners and stakeholders.

Connectedness

Connectedness cannot be underestimated when achieving success in any endeavor, including business pursuits. People who respect themselves are more likely to develop meaningful relationships with others because they value themselves just as much as they value others around them. This level of connectedness encourages teamwork and collaboration, resulting in higher productivity and, ultimately, greater returns on investment for businesses that embrace this culture within their organization.

How to Develop Self Respect?

Developing a good sense of self-esteem takes time and effort, but there are several ways you can begin the process today:

• Set Reasonable Goals for Yourself: Setting achievable goals for yourself not only gives you something tangible to work towards but also indicates that you believe in your abilities enough to make things happen for yourself – this builds confidence over time as each goal is achieved! 
• Celebrate Your Accomplishments: Taking time out each day or week to reflect on the progress made towards achieving your goals will help solidify your accomplishments, both big and small, while further boosting your confidence levels over time!  
• Practice Positive Affirmations & Mantras: Positive affirmations are statements that encourage positive thinking patterns, which ultimately lead to an increase in self-worth! Taking time each day to write down mantras or affirmations can help rewire those negative thought patterns that may be holding us back from achieving our full potential! 

Ultimately, having self-respect is essential for anyone looking to achieve personal and professional success. The positive regard for oneself leads not only towards improved performance but also helps build strong and trusting relationships with others

Protect Your Peace Without Losing Yourself

The holidays are often portrayed as a time of joy, laughter, and family traditions. But for many people, holiday gatherings can also bring anxiety, tension, and difficult interactions with toxic family members. Whether you’re dealing with criticism, manipulation, guilt trips, or emotional abuse, you have the right to protect your mental well-being.

Here are practical, therapist-informed strategies to help you navigate holiday gatherings while maintaining your peace.

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1. Set Realistic Expectations

Not every family gathering will be picture-perfect. Accepting that some relatives may not change can help reduce disappointment.

Instead of hoping someone suddenly becomes kind or respectful, focus on controlling your own reactions.

“You can’t control someone else’s behavior, but you can control how you respond.”

Research shows that adjusting expectations can reduce stress and improve emotional resilience.¹

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2. Set Boundaries Before You Arrive

Think about what topics or behaviors you won’t tolerate.

Examples:

• Politics
• Your relationships
• Your weight or appearance
• Parenting choices
• Career or finances

Simple responses include:

• “I’d rather not discuss that today.”
• “Let’s change the subject.”
• “I’m here to enjoy the holiday.”

Healthy boundaries are associated with better emotional well-being and healthier relationships.²

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3. Don’t Take the Bait

Some toxic people intentionally provoke emotional reactions.

Instead of arguing:

• Stay calm.
• Keep answers brief.
• Avoid defending yourself.
• Change the topic.
• Walk away if necessary.

This is similar to the “gray rock” approach—remaining emotionally neutral so conflict doesn’t escalate.

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4. Give Yourself Permission to Leave

You are not required to stay in an unhealthy environment.

It’s okay to:

• Leave early.
• Take a walk.
• Drive separately.
• Step outside for fresh air.
• Skip the gathering entirely if it’s harmful.

Protecting your mental health is not selfish.

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5. Have a Safe Person

Identify one supportive family member or friend before the gathering.

Check in with them if conversations become overwhelming.

Even having one emotionally safe connection can reduce stress during difficult situations.

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6. Practice Grounding Techniques

If anxiety starts rising:

Try the 5-4-3-2-1 Method

Notice:

• 5 things you see
• 4 things you can touch
• 3 things you hear
• 2 things you smell
• 1 thing you taste

Grounding techniques are commonly recommended to reduce acute stress and anxiety symptoms.³

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7. Remember: “No” Is a Complete Sentence

You don’t owe lengthy explanations.

Examples:

• No, thank you.
• I’m not comfortable with that.
• That doesn’t work for me.

Short, respectful responses often end conversations more effectively than over-explaining.

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8. Limit Alcohol if Family Conflict Is Likely

Alcohol can increase emotional reactions and make conflict harder to manage.

Staying hydrated and limiting alcohol may help you think clearly and respond calmly.

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9. Focus on the People Who Bring You Peace

Spend more time with supportive relatives.

Play with children.

Help in the kitchen.

Take photos.

Create positive memories instead of dwelling on difficult interactions.

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10. Give Yourself Grace Afterward

It’s normal to feel emotionally drained after spending time with toxic family members.

After the gathering:

• Journal your thoughts.
• Go for a walk.
• Meditate.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Reach out to someone supportive.
• Consider speaking with a mental health professional if family interactions are consistently harmful.

Self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s an important part of emotional recovery.

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Final Thoughts

You cannot control how others behave, but you can protect your peace.

This holiday season, remember:

✔ Set boundaries.

✔ Stay calm.

✔ Prioritize your well-being.

✔ Leave if necessary.

✔ Choose peace over proving a point.

Your mental health matters every day of the year—not just during the holidays.

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References

1. American Psychological Association. Stress effects on the body and healthy coping strategies.
2. National Alliance on Mental Illness. Setting healthy boundaries and maintaining emotional wellness.
3. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Trauma-informed grounding techniques and coping strategies.

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Understanding the mechanisms behind manipulation — and how to rebuild trust in yourself

FitnessHacksForLife.org is a wellness education community, not a group of licensed psychologists or clinicians. This article is for informational and educational purposes only. If you’re processing narcissistic abuse or a difficult relationship, TheraConnect can help you find a licensed therapist or mental health professional near you.

Your instincts exist for a reason. That flicker of unease when something feels “off,” the hesitation before trusting someone too quickly, the quiet voice that says pay attention—these are protective systems built from experience, pattern recognition, and self-preservation. They’re supposed to be one of your first lines of defense.

So why do so many people who’ve been through narcissistic abuse say the same thing afterward: “I knew something was wrong, but I ignored it”?

The truth is, narcissistic manipulation isn’t just about lying or controlling behavior. It’s specifically designed—often unconsciously, sometimes very deliberately—to disable the exact instincts that would normally protect you. Here’s how that happens.

Love Bombing Floods the System

Instincts work best when they have time to process information. Narcissistic relationships rarely give you that time.

In the early stages, you’re met with intense attention, flattery, affection, and a sense of being “special” faster than feels normal. This is by design. Love bombing overwhelms the analytical, cautious part of your brain with validation before it has a chance to notice red flags.^¹ Your instincts might whisper this is moving too fast—but the emotional high is louder, and it’s engineered to be.

Gaslighting Erodes Self-Trust Directly

This is the most direct assault on your instincts: being told, repeatedly, that what you observed didn’t happen, what you felt wasn’t real, or that you’re “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” or “remembering it wrong.”

Gaslighting doesn’t just distort a single memory. Over time, it teaches you not to trust your own perception at all.^² If your instincts are consistently contradicted by someone you’re emotionally invested in, you start to believe the instinct is the problem—not the situation it was warning you about.

Intermittent Reinforcement Keeps You Off-Balance

Predictable bad behavior is easy to react to. Unpredictable behavior—warmth one day, coldness the next, an apology followed by blame—keeps your nervous system in a constant state of trying to figure out the pattern instead of trusting your gut about the person.

This is the same mechanism behind why variable reward schedules are so powerfully habit-forming.^³ When you never know which version of someone you’re going to get, your brain becomes focused on decoding them rather than protecting you from them.

DARVO Turns Your Instincts Against You

DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender—is a documented response pattern when someone is confronted about harmful behavior, even gently.^⁴ Point out something hurtful, and suddenly you’re the one being accused of being hurtful, controlling, or unstable.

This reversal is disorienting on purpose. Instead of your instinct being validated (“yes, that behavior was wrong”), it gets redirected into self-doubt and guilt. You end up defending yourself instead of trusting what you noticed in the first place.

Isolation Removes Your Outside Reference Points

Instincts are reinforced by other people. A friend who says “that doesn’t sound okay,” a family member who notices you seem different—these outside perspectives help confirm what your gut is already telling you.

Narcissistic relationships often involve slow isolation from those exact people, whether through subtle discouragement, manufactured conflict, or simply monopolizing your time and energy. Isolation is a well-recognized tactic in patterns of coercive control.^⁵ Without outside reference points, your instincts have nothing to be validated against, and they get easier to dismiss.

Rebuilding Trust in Your Instincts

If this pattern sounds familiar, the goal isn’t to blame yourself for not “listening” sooner. Your instincts weren’t wrong—they were actively being worked against, often by someone skilled at doing exactly that. Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, and it starts with a few consistent practices:

• Write things down. Real-time notes are harder to gaslight than memory alone. If you write down what happened when it happened, you have a record that isn’t up for debate later.
• Reconnect with outside perspectives. Talk to people who knew you before, or bring in a therapist who can offer an outside read on situations without the emotional entanglement.
• Notice the pattern, not just the moment. A single confusing interaction can be explained away. A repeating pattern is much harder to rationalize.
• Practice trusting small instincts first. Rebuilding self-trust doesn’t have to start with the big decisions. Start with small gut calls and notice when you’re right.
• Give yourself permission to be uncertain. You don’t have to have full clarity to take a step back. “Something feels off” is a legitimate reason to slow down, even before you can explain why.

The Bottom Line

Your instincts didn’t fail you. They were working exactly as designed—which is precisely why they had to be systematically undermined for the manipulation to work. Recognizing how that happened is often the first step toward trusting yourself again.

If you’re ready to talk to someone, TheraConnect connects you with licensed therapists and mental health professionals who specialize in relationship trauma and recovery—built by the same community behind FitnessHacksForLife.org.

References

1. Coercive control and idealization tactics in early-stage relationship manipulation are documented in research on coercive control, including Evan Stark’s Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life (Oxford University Press, 2007).

2. American Psychological Association, APA Dictionary of Psychology, entry: “gaslighting” — dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting

3. Ferster, C.B. & Skinner, B.F. (1957). Schedules of Reinforcement. Appleton-Century-Crofts.

How to give and get respect in negotiations

Key points

• Respect—giving and getting—is an important factor in negotiations and produces best outcomes.
• Too often children and the elderly are not accorded the respect they deserve.
• Seeing negotiation as competition limits possibilities for good outcomes.

Source: Ilyasick/Pexels

Respect is an important element of negotiation. It’s important to give respect—and to earn it.

At the outset, it is worth noting that the word “respect” is often misused, as in having “grudging respect” for someone. Grudging respect is usually fear-based at its core. When people comply, obey, or demur out of fear, that is not actually respect, and it is definitely not a healthy basis for negotiations in a relationship (whether personal or professional). When people try to exert power over another (as opposed to power with another), even when successful, there is no earned respect and, therefore, no strong foundation for effective negotiation or superior outcomes.

Having said that, it is possible to respect someone’s achievements without liking how they got there. It is also possible to respect someone’s achievements and the process and still not like the person.

Respect is recognizing someone else’s humanity or personhood. It is seeking to listen to and understand the other person. It is ensuring one does not see other people as mere means to an end. Many think this is tricky in negotiation, but such a view likely stems from a win-lose, zero-sum approach to negotiation as opposed to a collaborative, principled, and integrative approach.

A fixed-mindset approach to negotiations can interfere with the ability to bring the requisite level of respect to the table and so interfere with one’s ability to get better buy-in and better outcomes. People often take such an approach based on widely accepted conditioning and myths about negotiation. These myths include the idea that negotiation is a competition, that successful negotiations are all about toughness ,and that one ought never cede any ground. None of these myths hold any truth.

Self-protection is another key source of interference in one’s ability to give (and so receive) respect in negotiation relationships. When operating from self-protective mode as opposed to self-leadership, people are less able to present the best version of themselves and show respect to other party.

There are many scenarios in which people struggle with respecting the other party in a negotiation, whether consciously or unconsciously. It is worth exploring some to raise one’s intentionality about incorporating respect as a foundation in all one’s negotiations.

Dealing with Children

In negotiating with children, many people do not truly listen or seek to understand and meet the needs of the child. Many do not drop all distractions, give undivided attention, or listen without interrupting or interjecting opinions, suggestions, or interpretations.

Many people tend to exert power over children rather than seek to establish power with them. Adults tend to assume they know best. Such a lack of respect can make children feel unvalued, unimportant, or “less than’”. It also interferes with the ability to come to mutually superior solutions. Perhaps most important, if not giving respect, one is not likely to earn authentic respect. It is important to be intentional about bringing respect to all discussions when negotiating in relationships with children.

This approach becomes even more challenging as children transition into adulthood. For parents, letting go can be difficult. When there is resistance to that, many fail to give the much-needed respect to ensure self-esteem and ability to grow in healthy ways (in their relationship with parents and beyond).

Fears, hopes, and dreams drive the urge to interfere, overwhelm, and smother when what’s needed is a pause, a deep breath, and a perspective shift. When a child’s viewpoint is valued and respected, there is more likely to be reciprocal respect.

Dealing with the Elderly

The challenges of transition as kids grow into adults are echoed in dealing with elderly people. Many tend to drop the ball in negotiating a relationship with aging parents (or other seniors) as well. This often stems from fear. It can be difficult to see once seemingly all-knowing and powerful parents decline, and many people respond by imposing personal views. After a lifetime of contribution, respect is deserved.

Dealing with Coworkers

In the workplace, as coworkers grow, develop, and transition to next levels, it can be difficult to accommodate such changes. Many continue to treat former subordinates as underlings and, in so doing, disrespect them and damage the relationship in the process.

Dealing with Mental Health Issues

It is important to consider how much respect is due to people with mental health issues. Too often,, a dismissive, disrespectful approach is often taken in such situations. It is important to give respect and trust, attend to verbal and nonverbal communication, and be intentional about understanding the issue(s) from the other person’s perspective. It is important not to try to “help” by exerting power over them.

In any negotiation, whether personal or professional, it is important to remember to give respect, and it will be reciprocated. In so doing, better outcomes can be achieved with corresponding better relationships and buy-in.

About the Author

Cindy Watson, B.A., LLB, JD, is the founder of Women On Purpose and creator of Art of Feminine Negotiation programs. She’s an international speaker, award-winning author, master negotiator, and world-class empowerment coach/consultant.

Online:

 Women On Purpose, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

Female narcissists can be destructive and abusive in relationships.

Posted June 26, 2021 |  Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

THE BASICS

• Why Relationships Matter
• Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Dear Female Narcissists and Manipulators,

I am the woman who will come after you. Make no mistake. I am not your runner-up or the consolation prize. I am in a league all my own–not your pinch hitter or relief pitcher. I’m not holding your spot in line. I may not have created this path of destruction, but I am, however, the woman who will have to help clean up the mess. You most likely left a good person; after all, why would they have stayed so long and tried so hard to make your “relationship” work?

Look, I get it. The end of a relationship is never easy. Whether you have been with someone six months or sixteen years, ending a relationship is painful and unsettling. I have been through many relationships and experienced heartbreak. Although narcissists such as yourself cannot feel true love, you may be feeling pain and confusion.

This isn’t grief you are feeling at losing a good person. What you are feeling is anger at such a horrible inconvenience. Your personal sideline cheerleader, purse-holder, coat-fetcher, scapegoat, punching bag, house cleaner, babysitter, nanny, chef, bill payer, bank account, ego booster, valet service, or other-service-provider is now gone. You aren’t losing a best friend, partner, or lover: you are losing a supply of service. Don’t confuse your demanded entitlement for feelings of love for another.

The man you abused? He served a purpose for you.

And yes, I use the word “abused.” Society tends to forget that men can be abused just as easily and frequently as women. Women can be abusers, and men can be victims. You may have professed to love this man, but really you were using him.

You probably got to check off all the boxes on society’s to-do list: girlfriend, fiancé, wife, mother, but this may not have fulfilled you. So, you took your self-hatred and bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem out on him through name-calling and projection.

Narcissists and manipulators are just overgrown, schoolyard bullies. They feel bad about themselves, so they attack other people. But unlike immature children, grown-up bullies hide their cruelness behind a shiny veneer that other people fall for. The inhumanity of a narcissist is covered by talent and lies. Who would believe this mild-mannered, smiling, doting mother would also be the one screaming at her husband (behind closed doors, of course) that he was a horrible father and poor excuse for a human?

I am the woman who will come after you. I will be the one dealing with the repercussions of the legal paperwork, custody disputes, and money wrangling. I will be the one watching and standing helplessly by as your constant attacks tear down this man who struggled to build his life up from scratch. I will be the one who will try every day to convince him that there really is love and goodness in this world, that I don’t want anything from him, and that I am not going to pull the rug out from under him.

Your purpose was destruction; mine is growth and healing. Unfortunately, the path to healing runs parallel to and often intersects with trauma. It’s going to take a long time, but luckily, my stubbornness is tempered with understanding.

I know I am also going to have to deal with your manipulation. You probably have my phone number saved, my email address in your outbox, my social media profile cued up to stalk every single day. Once your attacks wear my man down, you will turn your vitriol onto me; I’m expecting it. You will take messages out of context; you will attempt to seduce him; you will use the children as weapons or pawns to turn me into the villain of the story. Eventually, people will see that the true villain is you.

Chances are you are an excellent actress. You can easily switch between demon and angel, good cop and bad cop, Jekyll and Hyde. Your masks are interchangeable and so quick to fool others, your ex included. This confuses your ex-partner, and you capitalize on that. Making empty promises to “work together for the kids” or claiming you will change for the better (with your fingers crossed behind your back) reminding him of the woman he fell in love with. All that does is make him vulnerable for feeding into your unrelenting cycle of destruction.

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You don’t love him; you love the joy that comes from his pain and how you benefit from it. But, unfortunately, you probably have everyone else fooled, too. People probably believe that he was the one cheating, he was the one screaming at you, he was the one making your life a living hell. Crocodile tears are beneficial when creating a narrative of the wronged, long-suffering wife; who would believe you were the one doling out the insults and projecting your self-hatred onto him?

I am the woman who is everything you cannot be, and so I know you will try and break me, too. So please, save us all some time and find a new supplier who will fill all those needy spots your ex once did.

Cash in your chips. Call it a loss. Walk away from the table when your hand comes up as losing. Then, go ahead and weave a sad story that makes you the damsel in distress and not the bitter queen; you will find someone else to believe you and fall under your spell.

I am the woman who will come after you. I am the woman that will cause the man you broke to forget you. I am the woman who will enjoy the man when he wakes up as the person he was always meant to be, and you attempted to ruin. One day, you will fade from his memory. I might not stay with him forever, or I may be his great love; either way, I was the one who ripped off your mask.

Sincerely,

The Woman After You

About the Author

Kristy Lee Parkin is a licensed funeral director, certified life coach, and adjunct faculty member at Syracuse University.

Online:

 Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram

Meeting people online has become more common than ever, but unfortunately, so have online scams. Catfishing occurs when someone creates a fake identity to deceive others, often with the goal of gaining trust, emotional attachment, or financial support.

If something doesn’t feel right, there are several legitimate ways to verify whether someone is who they claim to be.

1. Reverse Phone Lookup

One of the most effective ways to verify someone’s identity is by using a reverse phone lookup service.

Simply enter the phone number into a reputable public records search tool. These services search publicly available information and may uncover:

• The owner’s name
• Current and previous addresses
• Associated email addresses
• Social media profiles
• Other publicly available records

If the information doesn’t match what the person has told you, it could be a warning sign that they are not being honest.

2. Reverse Image Search

If you’re unsure whether someone’s profile photos are genuine, perform a reverse image search.

Free tools like Google Images allow you to upload a photo or paste an image URL to search the web for matching images.

A reverse image search may reveal:

• The same photo being used under another person’s name
• Images copied from modeling websites
• Photos taken from social media accounts
• Stock photography or other publicly available images

Finding the same image attached to multiple identities is a major red flag.

3. Background Checks

If you believe you’ve identified the person’s real identity, a background check service can help verify publicly available information.

Depending on the provider, these reports may include:

• Address history
• Contact information
• Social media accounts
• Public records
• Court records (where legally available)
• Other publicly accessible information

These reports can help confirm whether the person you’ve been talking to actually exists and whether their story is consistent.

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How to Do Your Own Catfish Investigation

If you’ve been communicating with someone online and have concerns about their identity, follow these steps:

Step 1: Search Their Phone Number

Use a reputable reverse phone lookup service.

Compare the results with the information they’ve shared with you.

Step 2: Search Their Photos

Upload their profile photos to Google Images or another reverse image search tool.

Look for identical images attached to different names or accounts.

Step 3: Verify Their Social Presence

Review their social media accounts.

Ask yourself:

• Do they have years of activity?
• Do they interact with real people?
• Are comments authentic?
• Are tagged photos consistent?
• Do friends and family appear genuine?

Fake accounts often have very little history and limited interaction.

Step 4: Cross-Check Their Story

Compare details such as:

• Where they live
• Their occupation
• Schools attended
• Places they’ve traveled
• Family members
• Other public information

Major inconsistencies may indicate deception.

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Common Signs of a Catfish

While not every online relationship is fraudulent, these warning signs should make you cautious:

• They always have an excuse for avoiding video calls.
• They refuse to meet in person.
• They quickly profess love or intense feelings (love bombing).
• They ask for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency, or financial assistance.
• They ask for sensitive personal information.
• Their stories frequently change.
• Their phone number, photos, or social profiles don’t match.

If several of these signs are present, it’s worth slowing down and verifying who you’re communicating with.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Can I catch a catfish using Google?

Google can help by allowing you to search names, email addresses, and images. However, experienced scammers often hide their digital footprint, so multiple verification methods are usually more effective.

What is a reverse phone lookup?

A reverse phone lookup searches publicly available records associated with a phone number and may reveal names, addresses, email addresses, or related profiles.

Is a reverse image search free?

Yes. Google Images and several other online tools offer free reverse image searches that can help determine whether a photo has been copied from another source.

What should I do if I think I’m talking to a catfish?

Stop sharing personal information immediately. Avoid sending money or financial details, save screenshots of conversations, block the individual if necessary, and report the account to the platform where you met them. If you’ve already shared financial information or sent money, contact your financial institution as soon as possible.

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Stay Safe Online

Most people you meet online are genuine, but taking a few minutes to verify someone’s identity can protect you from emotional distress, identity theft, and financial scams.

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, slow down, ask questions, verify the information, and never feel pressured to send money or share sensitive personal details. A little caution today can save you significant time, money, and heartache in the future.

A good night’s sleep does more than help you feel refreshed in the morning. Quality sleep supports your mental well-being, improves concentration, strengthens emotional resilience, and helps your body recover from the day.

Unfortunately, many people struggle to fall asleep or wake up feeling rested. Busy schedules, stress, screen time, and inconsistent routines can all interfere with healthy sleep.

The good news is that small changes to your evening routine can make a meaningful difference.

A Simple Nighttime Routine

One popular sleep strategy encourages creating healthy habits before bedtime by gradually preparing both your mind and body for sleep.

Consider incorporating these habits into your evening:

Limit Caffeine Earlier in the Day

Caffeine can remain in your system for several hours. If you’re sensitive to caffeine, try avoiding coffee, energy drinks, or caffeinated sodas later in the day to give your body time to wind down naturally.

Avoid Late-Night Meals and Alcohol

Eating heavy meals or drinking alcohol close to bedtime may interfere with restful sleep. Giving your digestive system time to settle before bed can help many people sleep more comfortably.

Reduce Screen Time Before Bed

Phones, tablets, televisions, and computers can keep your brain alert when it’s trying to relax. Consider putting screens away about an hour before bedtime and replacing them with a calming activity.

Create a Relaxing Bedtime Routine

Instead of scrolling through social media, try:

• Reading a book
• Gentle stretching
• Meditation
• Deep breathing
• Journaling
• Listening to calming music

These habits signal to your brain that it’s time to rest.

Wake Up at the Same Time Each Day

Keeping a consistent wake-up time—even on weekends—can help regulate your body’s natural sleep cycle.

Why Sleep Matters for Mental Wellness

Sleep and mental health are closely connected.

When you’re consistently well rested, you may notice improvements in:

• Mood
• Focus
• Memory
• Stress management
• Emotional regulation
• Energy levels

Poor sleep, on the other hand, can make everyday challenges feel more overwhelming and may contribute to increased stress and anxiety.

Build Better Sleep Habits Gradually

You don’t have to change everything overnight.

Choose one or two habits to practice consistently for a week, then add another. Small, sustainable changes often lead to lasting improvements.

Remember, progress is more important than perfection.

When Sleep Problems Continue

Occasional restless nights are normal, but ongoing sleep difficulties deserve attention.

If trouble sleeping is affecting your work, relationships, or emotional well-being, it may be helpful to speak with a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Persistent sleep concerns can sometimes be connected to stress, anxiety, depression, or other underlying conditions.

You’re Not Alone

At Fitness Hacks For Life, our mission is to provide free mental wellness education and practical resources that help people live healthier, more balanced lives.

If self-help strategies aren’t enough and you’re looking for professional support, visit our sister site, TheraConnect, where you can connect with qualified mental health professionals who can help you take the next step.

Final Thoughts

Healthy sleep isn’t about finding the perfect routine—it’s about creating consistent habits that support your overall well-being.

Start with one small change tonight. Over time, those small habits can help you sleep better, feel better, and live better.

As Americans increasingly report feeling overwhelmed by daily life, many are using self-care to cope. Conversations and social media feeds are saturated with the language of “me time,” burnout, boundaries and nervous system regulation.

To meet this demand, the wellness industry has grown into a multitrillion-dollar global market. Myriad providers offer products, services and lifestyle prescriptions that promise calm, balance and restoration.

Paradoxically, though, even as interest in self-care continues to grow, Americans’ mental health is getting worse.

I am a professor of public health who studies health behaviors and the gap between intentions and outcomes. I became interested in this self-care paradox recently, after I suffered from a concussion. I was prescribed two months of strictly screen-free cognitive rest – no television, email, Zooming, social media, streaming or texting.

The benefits were almost immediate, and they surprised me. I slept better, had a longer attention span and had a newfound sense of mental quiet. These effects reflected a well-established principle in neuroscience: When cognitive and emotional stimuli decrease, the brain’s regulatory systems can recover from overload and chronic stress.

Obviously, most people can’t go 100% screen-free for days, much less months, but the underlying principle offers a powerful lesson for practicing effective self-care.

A nation under strain

Americans’ self-rated mental health is now at the lowest point since Gallup started tracking this issue in 2001. National surveys consistently detect high levels of stress and emotional strain.

Roughly one-third of U.S. adults report feeling overwhelmed most days. Sleep disruption, anxiety, poor concentration and emotional exhaustion are widespread, particularly among young adults and women.

Chronic disease patterns mirror this strain. When daily stress becomes chronic, it can trigger biological changes that increase the risk of long-term conditions like heart disease and diabetes. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 6 in 10 U.S. adults live with at least one chronic condition, and 4 in 10 live with multiple chronic conditions.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/QMOc-4zNj30?wmode=transparent&start=0Stress triggers physiological responses that can lead to a range of symptoms.

How people try to cope

Many Americans say they actively practice self-care in everyday life. For example, they describe taking mental health days, protecting personal time, setting boundaries around work and prioritizing rest and leisure.

The problem lies in how they use that leisure time.

Over the past 22 years, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ American Time Use Survey has consistently found that watching television is the most popular leisure activity for U.S. adults. Americans spend far more time watching TV than exercising, spending time with friends or practicing reflection through activities like yoga. Other common self-care activities include watching movies and gaming.

Modern leisure time increasingly includes smartphone use. Surveys suggest that mobile phones have become the dominant screen for many Americans, with adults spending several hours per day on their phones.

For many adults, checking social media or watching short videos has become a default relaxation behavior layered on top of traditional screen use. This practice is often referred to as second screening.

Although many people turn to screen-based activities to wind down, these activities may have the opposite effect biologically.

Why modern screen use feels different

Pre-internet forms of leisure often involved activities such as watching scheduled television programs, listening to radio broadcasts or reading books and magazines. For all of these pastimes, the content followed a predictable sequence with natural stopping points.

Today’s digital media environment looks very different. People routinely engage with multiple screens at once, respond to frequent notifications and switch rapidly between several streams of content. These environments continuously require users to split their attention, engage their emotions and make decisions.

This type of mental multitasking draws on the same neural systems people are often attempting to rest with leisure. The result is a far more fragmented and cognitively demanding environment than in the past.

Americans now spend approximately six to seven hours per day on screens across multiple devices. Splitting attention between more than one screen at a time, such as using the phone while watching television, is common. This juggling exposes peoples’ brains to multiple streams of sensory and emotional input simultaneously.

Survey data also suggests that Americans may check their phones roughly 200 times per day. In doing so, they repeatedly pull their attention back to screens during routine moments.

Modern digital platforms are designed to maximize engagement. Algorithms tend to prioritize emotionally arousing content, particularly anger, anxiety and outrage. These feelings drive clicks, sharing and time spent on platforms. Research has shown that this design is associated with higher stress, distraction and cognitive load.

When ‘rest’ doesn’t restore

Against the backdrop of daily hassles and competing demands, it can feel like relief to flip on the TV. Practices such as streaming or so-called bed-rotting – spending extended periods in bed while scrolling – often are framed as a form of radical rest or self-care.

Other common coping behaviors include leaving the television on as background noise, scrolling between tasks throughout the day or using phones during meals and conversations. These strategies can feel restful because they temporarily reduce external demands and decision-making.

However, pairing rest with screen use may undermine the very restoration that people are seeking. Digital media stimulate attention, emotion and sensory processing. Even while people are sitting or lying still, being onscreen can keep their nervous systems in a heightened state of arousal. It may look like downtime, but it doesn’t create the biological conditions for restoration.

How to wind down

Evidence suggests that mental relief comes not from adding new coping strategies, but from reducing the number of demands placed on the brain.

Here are some evidence-based strategies that support genuine restoration:

• Reduce digital multitasking, such as using your phone while watching television. This lowers stress and cognitive strain.
• Limit task-switching and interruptions. This improves focus and reduces cognitive fatigue.
• Spend time in low-stimulation environments, including quiet spaces and outdoor settings. This supports mood and emotional well-being.
• Unwind with analog or low-novelty activities, such as reading print, journaling, gentle movement or device-free walking. These pastimes allow mental engagement without overload.

The goal is to intentionally reduce mental load, not to abandon all digital devices.

To improve well-being in our overstimulated society, it’s important to understand the difference between feeling as though you are unwinding and actually allowing your brain and body to recover. In my view, fewer screens, fewer inputs, fewer emotional demands and more protected time for genuine cognitive rest are important components of an effective wellness strategy.

Dr. Pickering is a Professor and Chair of Public Health at Gonzaga University. Her educational background includes a PhD in Education, a MS in Physical Education with an emphasis on Exercise Science and Pedagogy, and a BS in Health with an emphasis on Health Promotion and Wellness.