Ghosting, simmering, and icing are colloquial terms that describe the practice of suddenly ending all communication, avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation, and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate.
“When a person is ghosted, even if they try to reach out to the other person to either reconnect or receive closure, they are typically met with silence.”
Source: Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B. Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph1
As you can see, it’s called ghosting because it involves someone essentially “vanishing” into thin air as if they were a ghost.
The term “ghosting” typically refers to a romantic relationship where contact unexpectedly ceases, but it can also apply to friendships and family relationships.
Signs of Ghosting
Ghosting is often apparent, but it can also be a gradual process. The other person might start by ‘soft ghosting,’ where they progressively minimize contact over some time. Some early signs that someone might be ghosting you include:
“They frequently cancel plans to hang out, have a hard time committing, avoid sharing personal details, don’t want you to meet their loved ones, disappear from social media, seldom reply to your texts or calls, and their conversations lack depth, making them seem uninterested.”
Ghosting is a trait that can also happen on social media platforms. It refers to the act of cutting off all social media contact with another person without offering an explanation. This may involve unfriending, unfollowing, or even blocking the person on all social media platforms. In some instances, the person may even go as far as deactivating or deleting their social media accounts to prevent any form of contact
Though a new term, ghosting existed well before the digital age. “I think references of ‘going for a loaf of bread and never coming back’ are examples of ghosting,” says Bree Jenkins, LMFT, a dating coach in Los Angeles, Calif. “Ghosting used to be leaving a person and moving away or not leaving [them with] your contact information—its earlier origins are even the simple act of leaving a party or social gathering without notice and goodbyes.”
Why Do Some People Choose to Ghost?
Ghosting is often viewed as an immature or passive-aggressive way to end a relationship, and in some cases, it may even constitute emotional abuse.
There are two primary reasons why a person ghosts another, and often it’s a combination of the two.
It’s the Easy Route
The first reason why some people choose to ghost others is that they find it easier to avoid uncomfortable conversations about ending the relationship.
The person doing the ghosting often wants to avoid confrontation or dealing with someone else’s hurt feelings, so they simply cease all communication and hope the hint is delivered.
Option Overload and Fatigue
“Margaret Seide, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist based in New York City, explains that with internet dating, there are seemingly infinite choices as opposed to walking into a bar with limited options. Due to the large number of choices, online daters tend to quickly move on to the next potential match with an “OK, next” or “Yeah, but what else?” mindset. Although the person they are interacting with may be nice, they may not make the cut due to the fact that they are juggling multiple other people.
There are various reasons why people ghost, including fear of the other person’s reaction to rejection.
“The mother gazes at the baby in her arms, and the baby gazes at his mother’s face and finds himself therein … provided that the mother is really looking at the unique, small, helpless being and not projecting her own expectations, fears, and plans for the child. In that case, the child would find not himself in his mother’s face, but rather the mother’s own projections. This child would remain without a mirror, and for the rest of his life would be seeking this mirror in vain.” – Donald Woods Winnicott
Establishing the “ideal,” successful world—career, owning your own home, family—isn’t a simple walk in the park. And no one said it was going to be easy. But there’s someone in your life that makes it look that way: your mother.
She’s the woman everyone admires—she’s a judge, lawyer, doctor, or teacher. She’s on the PTA or is the power behind your church or synagogue. She smoothly balances being socially nimble while contributing to the community in a way that leaves others in awe. In their eyes, she’s superwoman.
Most people don’t know that this superwoman has a secret. Like everyone in this world, she has a flaw. No one is the epitome of perfection, and in mom’s case, the issue is narcissism.
The outside world may embrace her, but you know mom as self-centered, brittle, easily angered and “always right.” She may be loved by her friends and colleagues, but they don’t know the mom you know. You get maternal love now and then, but it’s unpredictable and punctuated by control, anger, and a need to walk on eggshells.
Most kids decide just to please her, and hope they get whatever good they can.
Healthy mothers come home and support their kids—not control them.
Narcissistic mothers continue to need attention and control, even at home.
If you had a narcissistic mother, the key element was that she had little patience or empathy for the independent and demanding needs of her children (and kids need a lot).
This can be costly to the growing child.
Children Need to Please
As a child, you don’t immediately realize your mother’s confidence is brittle. She’s always right because she needs to be right. Everything she says goes without question—that’s the way it is with parents when you’re a child.
You please because you are trained to do so. As a 9-year-old, you don’t take your mother on because, like most school-age kids, you want whatever nurturance you can get. Still, she may get mad at you for forgetting your homework, making a mess, or annoying her in some random way. You think it’s you and find yourself anxious in her presence.
Then you get a little older, your consciousness continues to evolve, and you realize your mother’s behavior lacks normal maternal nurturing. You see other kids and their parents.
Psychology Today blogger Karyl McBride, Ph.D., puts it this way:
“Narcissists are not in touch with their own feelings. They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. They cannot put themselves into your shoes and feel or understand how something might affect you. They can only see how it affects them. They are hypersensitive to criticism and judgment, but constantly criticize and judge others.”
article continues after advertisement
Your mom comes home and demands attention. If you hold back, she takes offense and attacks. She’s tired. She’s irritated. She just wants it her way, and your feelings had better align with hers. If you have to hear the word “ungrateful” one more time you’ll scream. But most times you don’t.
It pays to wait for the rage to abate. If you fight, she fights to win. Many normal parents get into power struggles with their kids, but a narcissistic parent truly needs to win. It is both desperate and scary.
So, you grow up with everyone tiptoeing around mom, hoping that she’s in a good mood, and anxious not to trigger a rage attack.
All it takes is a little frustration, so you better be good.
Narcissistic Mother + Children = Instability
Children experience continued psychological whiplash being raised by a narcissistic mother. You realize she controls with the threat of withdrawal or rage. Your father goes along to get along, or is long gone.
Here are some characteristics of a narcissistic mother:
The socially engaged mom becomes the controlling mom at home. She’s no longer the woman wearing the perpetual smile that never falters, at least in everyone else’s eyes. She is demeaning, criticizes, and lets you know in more ways than one that you are not up to her standards.
She makes you feel like a failure if you’re not doing what she wants right now. Your mom is really good at manipulation, especially when your emotions are involved. If you aren’t fulfilling her desires to make her feel like her needs are of utmost importance, be prepared to experience pain in the way of criticism or an attack. And, if you are looking for validation, you may be waiting a long time.
She is easily offended, claiming that she does so much for you. If you don’t give her what she wants, she‘s upset and pulls the “you don’t love me because if you did, you would do what I wanted” card or she’ll simply accuse you of taking her for granted and not appreciating her as a mother. She might compare you unfavorably to someone else who is “good” to his or her mother.
She is privately opinionated, blasting people, while being more forgiving in public. Mom needs to look good in front of everyone, even if she isn’t too fond of them. She is charismatic, smiles, and even chats with them while saving her criticism for home.
She finds fault in you. And when you make it right, you barely get validation. “I’m sorry Mom” is never enough with her and you can never figure out how to please her with an apology.
article continues after advertisement
She makes you anxious, not filled with self-confidence. She makes you feel inadequate, even if you do something that deserves praise. We all need validation, especially early on in life. A narcissistic mother can instigate self-doubt in everything that you do.
The world revolves around her. Your mom has to be the center of attention at all times. She needs to be waited on and adored and expects you to provide her with all of the above and more.
Yet we all require maternal love.
The consequences of being raised by a narcissistic mother can be subtle or dramatic, often affecting adulthood. Neither the mother nor child may realize this until then. Remember that children must adapt to their early childhood, and the way we do it influences who we become.
Sons of Narcissistic Mothers
Boys and girls of narcissistic mothers both have to deal with a deficit of maternal nurturing that their upbringing lacked. With a boy, here is one way development can go: When you were a child, you desperately sought praise and validation from your mother, inadvertently tying yourself to her will. This may have even resulted in being labeled a “mama’s boy” because you did everything your mother asked just to please her, although it hardly helped your relationship with her. You aim to please but now lack the ability to appreciate your own needs. You may end up with a demanding, narcissistic woman as a mate because this is all you know. It will exhaust you.
Or, you can identify with your mother and become narcissistically inclined yourself. You become successful, Mom is pleased (because you reflect well on her) and you assume that women should admire you as well. But where is the empathy required for good relationships? Therein lies the problem.
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Like with a boy, the daughter of a narcissistic mother hasn’t received the maternal empathy every child deserves. Mom wants to be the center of attention, the one everyone desires, and you become an extension of her need to show off. Are you pretty enough? Are you smart enough? Are you too heavy or too thin? And, how about your hair? To add to the confusion, a narcissistic mother may compete with you as well, especially because of your youth and sexuality. It’s a double bind for you.
article continues after advertisement
Your mom tells you time and again that she’s a great mother. Most kids believe mom’s stories or simply choose not to take her on. It’s too costly. Down deep, your self-esteem is damaged. You haven’t been validated for who you are; instead, you’ve been ducking her judgments or pleasing her. When you try to individuate, it’s a fight. And, sometimes, that’s the best solution.
Damage is done. You may identify with mom’s narcissism and become narcissistic yourself. You have a desperate need for validation, which can’t be filled, no matter how rich or pretty you become. Love for yourself has its origins in sensing the love of your parents. This is damage that’s hard to undo.
It isn’t easy dealing with a narcissistic mother because of the lasting impressions she can leave on you. But it’s possible to survive and rise above her behavior. Look at others around you—like your father, school faculty, even your siblings or friends who appreciate you just the way you are.
See mom as she really is; it will help.
Not all self-involved mothers are bona fide narcissists. Some just have narcissistic tendencies, but children are affected nevertheless. By coming to terms with your mother’s shortcomings, you can truly emancipate. Knowledge is power.
If in doubt, get a consultation with a quality therapist. Your mom did the best she could; she loved you as she was able. But it did not give you a bedrock to build on. Now, as an adult, you find yourself empty, clingy, or depressed. It’s your job to recognize what happened, get your anxiety or depression treated, and find a deeper appreciation of yourself and others.
Hey there! 🌼 If you’re looking for a way to ease stress and cultivate a sense of calm, I’ve got some great tips for you! Your voice can be a powerful tool in this journey. Let’s dive into some easy techniques that you can start using right away!
1. Start with Deep Breathing
Understanding the Connection:Our breath and voice are deeply interconnected. By practicing deep breathing, you can quickly set the stage for relaxation.
How to Do It:
Find a Comfortable Spot.Sit or lie down in a quiet area.
Inhale Deeply.Breathe in through your nose for a count of 4.
Hold It.Pause for a moment.
Exhale Slowly.Let it out through your mouth for a count of 6.
Repeat this for 5-10 minutes, focusing on how your voice sounds as you exhale.
2. Use Your Voice to Hum
Why Humming Works:Humming activates the vagus nerve, helping reduce anxiety and promote a feeling of safety.
How to Do It:
Pick a Tune.Choose a simple melody you love.
Close Your Eyes.This helps to center your focus.
Hummm…Let out a steady hum for as long as is comfortable.
Notice how your body feels with each vibration!
3. Explore Affirmations
What Are Affirmations? Affirmations are positive statements that can reinforce your confidence and calmness.
How to Do It:
Create Your List.Write down a few affirmations that resonate with you, like “I am calm and in control.”
Speak Out Loud.Recite these affirmations daily, standing in front of a mirror helps boost their effect.
Feeling silly? Just remember, you’re doing this for YOU!
4. Practice Soft Singing or Chanting
Benefits of Singing:Whether it’s a soft song or a simple chant, using your voice this way can lift your spirits.
How to Do It:
Choose Your Piece.Pick something uplifting or calming.
Tone Down the Volume.Soft singing releases tension without pushing your limits.
Singing in the shower? Perfect! 🛁🎶
5. Engage in Guided Meditation
Combining Your Voice and Mind:Guided meditations often utilize voice to instill calm.
How to Do It:
Choose a Resource.Look for meditation apps or YouTube channels.
Follow Along.Close your eyes and focus on the narrator’s voice, letting it guide you towards relaxation.
You’ll be amazed at how much calmer this can leave you feeling!
6. Record Yourself
The Power of Playback:Listening to your voice can sometimes help you reflect and enjoy moments of calm.
How to Do It:
Speak Your Thoughts.Record yourself expressing how you’re feeling or sharing positive thoughts.
Play It Back.Listen to it later, allowing yourself to reconnect with that sense of calm.
Final Thoughts:
Remember, cultivating calmness through your voice is a personal journey, and it might take a bit of practice.
Maintain a Consistent Routine:Incorporate these techniques into your daily routine, and trust me, you’ll start to feel lighter and more centered.
Connect with Yourself:Take a moment each day to just breathe and use your voice as a tool for peace and clarity. 🌈
Parents may attribute their child’s mental health symptoms to phases of adolescence.
Society often holds rigid gender stereotypes that expect boys to be tough.
We dismiss boys’ actions that don’t fit the narrow definition of what it means to be a “real man.”
Here are a few phrases that I have heard from parents and professionals to excuse atypical behaviors of boys:
“Boys will be boys.”
“Give him more time.”
“All boys do this.”
“Boys are supposed to be rough.”
“He is too young.”
That’s Just How Boys Are
No, it is not, which is my response when discussing the atypical behaviors seen in boys. While behaviors in boys vary depending upon the child, some atypical patterns of behavior negatively impact their social-emotional, language and communication, cognitive, and motor and physical development.
When these behaviors go unaddressed, boys may become more emboldened or continue with actions that disrupt their relationships or environments. This potentially enables negative behavior both in the short term and long term and can cause several consequences, including perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes, discouraging accountability, and hindering personal development.
When a boy’s maladaptive behaviors are merely excused, they may not learn the consequences of their actions. This lack of consequences can hinder their ability to take responsibility for their choices as they grow older.
Parents frequently share with me that when reporting their concerns about their boys’ abnormal behaviors, they were dismissed by professionals and told, “That’s just how boys are.” Parents feel helpless when this happens, yet they also start to accept that the behaviors they believed were odd were considered normal.
Thus, they wait to see if they improve on their own. This causes delays in appropriate interventions, such as psychological or educational testing, early childhood interventions, and therapy.
I am diagnosing many older children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) because their deficits in social communication, social interaction, and restricted and repetitive behaviors were dismissed by other professionals. These parents first reported symptoms when their boys were toddlers.
Ignoring Boy’s Behaviors
On the other hand, some parents excuse atypical behaviors in their boys, often referring to those behaviors as “boys will be boys” for various purposes. What is considered “normal” behavior for boys from parents varies depending on individual personalities, cultural and societal expectations, personal beliefs, and historical factors.
However, here are the most common reasons that I have found about why parents equate “boy behavior” as “normal” based on my experiences:
Fear of Diagnosis: Some parents may worry that a mental health diagnosis will label their child or negatively impact their future.
Misunderstanding: Parents may attribute their child’s mental health symptoms to phases of adolescence, moodiness, or typical teenage behavior.
Stigma: There is still a significant stigma around mental health issues in many societies.
Socialization: From an early age, children are socialized to conform to societal norms.
Gender Stereotypes: Society often holds rigid gender stereotypes that expect boys to be tough, independent, and unemotional.
Misconceptions about Masculinity: Some people mistakenly associate traditional masculinity with the suppression of certain emotions or behaviors, leading to the dismissal of boys’ actions that don’t fit this narrow definition of what it means to be a “real man.”
article continues after advertisement
Boys Need Help Too
Boys do need help and support, just like individuals of any gender. It is crucial to recognize that boys can face various challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, including issues related to mental health, education, relationships, and personal development.
Promoting awareness, understanding, and support for boys is an important part of creating a more equitable and compassionate society.
When parents express their concerns about unusual behaviors in their boys, take them seriously. It is just as essential to stop the “gender bias” and “gender stereotyping” that are often used to excuse the negative behaviors of boys.
Ignoring negative behaviors in boys causes several problems: Behaviors escalate, it negatively impacts their social relationships, and it can cause academic problems. Instead of overlooking atypical behaviors in boys, do this:
Identify and address problematic behavior early and constructively.
Be honest about your child’s behaviors.
Create clear expectations and boundaries, and use positive discipline strategies.
Reduce the stigma surrounding seeking help.
Create an environment that encourages them to communicate their thoughts and feelings.
Observe behaviors and note when and where they occur. Collect information to help you better understand the context and triggers.
To gather your data based on your observations, use the journal I created for parents called It’s About Time! For A Parenting Journal. It is an easy way to keep track of your son’s behavioral history. Bring this documentation with you to share with professionals involved with his care.
In addition, to stop thinking that boys do not need help, take several steps to challenge and change your perspective:
Challenge Your Beliefs: Reflect on your biases regarding gender and help-seeking behavior. Be open to changing your perspective as you learn more.
Educate Yourself: Begin by learning about the challenges and issues that boys and men may face in various aspects of life, including mental health, education, relationships, and societal expectations.
Promote Gender Equality: Support and advocate for gender equality and equal opportunities for all individuals, regardless of gender.
Listen and Learn: Engage in conversations with boys and men in your life. Listen to their experiences, feelings, and concerns.
Remember that recognizing and addressing the needs of boys ensures that they receive the support and resources needed to thrive and lead healthy, fulfilling lives. Encouraging open dialogue, providing access to mental health services, and challenging traditional gender stereotypes can go a long way in ensuring that atypical behavior is addressed early so they can thrive and reach their full potential.
Education:
Bachelor of Arts, Psychology
Master of Science, Psychology, Major – School
Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) Clinical Psychology, Child & Adolescent
My Story:
I have over 25 years of experience in the field of psychology. To create this blog and share it publicly was not an easy decision. However, it has been three years since I started this blog, and I still have a lot more to discuss about my experiences and “psychology secrets.”
The covert narcissist’s hooks won’t catch everyone, but they’re likely to entrap co-dependent and empathic personality types almost 100% of the time. The covert narcissist differs in some ways to their louder counterpart – the overt narcissist, who is easier to spot with their strong sense of entitlement, arrogant nature, disregard for others and lack of empathy. These folks are loud and proud and have earned their place and title in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The covert narcissist is not recognised in the DSM and often presents as the happy-go-lucky sweetie, an altruistic eunuch or the friendly quiet guy who smiles at you every day. They may appear harmless and unassuming, but they are anything but. They do all their damage behind closed doors and use emotional manipulation to gain control. An overt narcissist will stamp on any random stranger who gets in their way (i.e. road rage) but the covert narcissist saves all his or her bad behaviour for their loved one.
Covert Narcissist Say
The covert narcissist may say, ‘Oh you don’t want to listen to me go on but thank you so much for being there for me, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had not been there, ugh I shudder to think, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, you are an angel.”. This may make the recipient feel overly responsible for the emotional wellbeing and safety of a person they don’t even know very well. It also moves the relationship from that of a casual acquaintance into something much more significant.
The covert narcissist really comes to life in the bedroom. Physical intimacy and seduction are their main speciality and they will move in on their target quickly and relentlessly in the early stages of the relationship. The emotional connection feels very real and the intensity of it makes the connection feel deeper than it actually is. They promise their new girl/boyfriend a lifetime of support, but when they are called upon to give any, they back away and complain that their partner is too demanding.
Later Stages of the New Relationship
In the later stages of the new relationship, there may be random passive aggressive insults or accusations thrown around that are not based in reality but still prompt the target to defend themselves. The attention and blame then move away from the narcissist and onto the target. This type of gaslighting throws victims of narcissistic abuse off guard and cause them to doubt themselves and start to feel they are somehow indebted to the narcissist.
When the relationship ends or when the target wakes up to see the narcissist for who they really are, they’ll experience a range of emotions and are likely to feel very confused. Their mind will be pre-occupied with working out where they went wrong, what they can do to ‘fix’ it, or what can they do to get over this person. In time they will start to experience glimmers of awareness and helpful insights, but for now this person is going to feel emotionally and psychologically drained. Their self-worth has taken another dive, they’re walking around in a daze and they’re feeling intense loneliness. To gain an understanding of what happened right under their very nose, they need to work out how they came emotionally enmeshed with a master manipulator in the first place.
Was the Narcissist Genuinely INTERESTED in who I was during our time together?
A narcissist is generally disinterested in anyone other than themselves. They have no regard whatsoever for what goes on inside another person. This makes it unlikely that they’ll attempt to find out more about their new boy/girlfriend or existing partner unless this information serves a purpose. This means they don’t care about anyone else’s opinions, values, thoughts, emotions or what their favourite movie is. You can tell them about something that has affected you deeply, but it goes right over their head and doesn’t seem to be even acknowledged. This is because not only is any of what you say of any interest to the narcissist, but they are threatened by someone else’s stuff as it takes the attention off them. The narcissist continues to minimise or ignore the everyday activities, worries or joys of their ‘loved’ one because they simply don’t care, but also, they are mindful to never reward another person’s ‘stuff’ with their attention.
Narcissist Intend
A narcissist is only interested in learning what they need to know to support the illusion they are genuinely invested in the wellbeing of another person. If their partner believes this, (or desperately wants to believe it) then the narcissist can get what they want from them. They have to pretend to be interested in the life of their romantic partner and will be, for the most part, quite convincing if their co-dependent partner is ‘asleep’. Co-dependents are great people watchers but once they start to wake up, their BS detection skills, along with their powers of observation improve dramatically. They are able to see patterns within their relationships and begin to realise that the types of people they have been attracting have all been self-serving, one-sided and in-genuine (including friendships).
The narcissist’s ‘lack of interest’ is really a nicer way of describing their underlying contempt – which sums up all they really feel for their romantic partner (as well as most other folks). Their lack of interest can be detected in a number of ways, the most notable is how they brush over anything their partner has to say. They may respond to their conversation with total silence, by changing the subject, accusing their partner of being negative, or flattering them in an overt way that has nothing to do with the actual topic of conversation. These tactics work well to stop them from sharing their every-day concerns, worries, feelings, emotions or personal goals, or whatever is uniquely to do with THEM, and not so much with the narcissist.
Two Circumstances
There are only one or two circumstances whereby the narcissist will verbally express an interest in their partner’s personal stuff. Fear of losing their partner may prompt them to act and this is when a suspiciously timed, kind and considerate comment or question will be pulled out the bag. Much to the co-dependent’s surprise, they find out that the narcissist HAD been listening to them during the initial conversation but was in fact saving any acknowledgment of it for emergencies (manipulation purposes) only. They also show interest in their partner’s ‘stuff’ as they judge and criticise it. The narcissist will never genuinely support any of their partner’s dreams, aspiration or decisions because all that is about another person and not the narcissist. If you feel like you’re not being heard – ever – then it’s because the person you’re talking to only hears what they need to hear, which is anything that relates directly to them.
The covert narcissist will appear to be totally infatuated with their new girl/boyfriend, they seem to be in love with the very essence of you, yet all the unique aspects that make a person who they are, i.e., their personal history, what they enjoy doing, their thoughts, feelings and their specific goals, will be rejected by the narcissist when he or she turns their back on any conversation that is not focussed on them or their needs. The co-dependent notices that this pattern of behaviour doesn’t quite align with how the narcissist has presented themselves, but will often dismiss it by thinking, “Maybe this is just his way of keeping me on track and focussed on what really matters”. Which is very true.
Tactics to Covert Narcissists to Manipulate
The following tactics are used by covert narcissists to manipulate their targets into believing they’re loved and supported instead of being used for gain.
Flattery and Fantasy
The covert narcissist is an expert flatterer and they love to engage in fantasy talk during the early stages of a would-be romantic connection. These tactics are also used by the overt narcissist, but not as consistently because the overt narcissist expects flattery to be directed at them, not the other way around. Flattery is a highly manipulative tool and works well on those who’ve seldom heard a kind word from previous romantic partners or their parents. To be told you are beautiful, sexy, wonderful, funny and smart, over and over again, is a powerful grooming technique when used on the right person. But the narcissist’s flattery doesn’t align with their actions or their responses to actual conversations and everyday reality. Their sweet talk and promises of a wonderful life are an oasis in the desert to the approval and acceptance starved co-dependent but like the oasis, none of it is real. The covert narcissist also appears to be very in touch with their emotional side, and this can be very appealing to the co-dependent who has only ever known overt narcissists and/or emotionally abusive parent(s).
Flattering comments
Flattering comments are intended to hit the mark and will be carefully customised around what they think the other person needs to hear. If the co-dependent steps in to help the covert narcissist in some way (as they are likely to do) they’ll be given the “You’re such a good person – truly one in a million, there’s not many people left in the world like you” line, which makes the co-dependent feel accepted, wanted and approved of, and are likely all the things they never felt as a child. Random golden nuggets of acceptance are delivered into the conversation but are often inappropriately placed and non-specific, i.e. the same complement might be said to a random stranger. Comments that refer to ‘being together’ in the future cement the deal for the co-dependent and although these suggestions are out-the-blue and inappropriate to the relationship timeline, they don’t seem to notice because they already believe they’ve met the man of their dreams.
Are they living in the Real World?
The covert narcissist’s thinking is largely fantasy-based, and conversations often revolve around plans for the future or escaping from, or idolising their past. They will draw their partner into their fantasy world where the present is seldom discussed. They don’t wish to know what’s happening in the everyday life of their girl/boyfriend and if they are being subjected to any details about it, they’ll play a mini-silent treatment or quickly change the subject to their preferred type of conversation – one that fantasises achieving the near-impossible, such as winning the lottery. They live their life idealising everything in life they want but don’t have and keep drawing their partners into the delusion.
Poor Me Syndrome
The ‘Poor Me’ tactic works well on the sleeping co-dependent because it activates their deeply embedded people-pleasing programme. They were likely watching their parent(s) from a very early age instead of climbing trees and are experts at making someone ‘feel better’ because when someone else feels OK, their life gets better by default.
If they see an injured bird, they’re there – running through fire and traffic to help. An emotionally injured narcissist lets out a distress signal that only the co-dependent hears. Their wounds are often the result of the unwanted departure of their long-suffering wife or husband. This causes a huge narcissistic injury and the co-dependent is now racing towards them with their superhero cape flapping behind them. They are now on hand to mop the brow of this individual who is clearly suffering. The narcissist is not used to being on the receiving end of suffering as they are the ones who routinely dish it out – this situation is new and totally unfair for them.
Narcissist Laps up all the Loving Concern
The narcissist laps up all the loving concern and advise and starts to demand more and more of it, and all the while, the truth of their situation is withheld or concealed. Being secretive, withholding information under the guise of it being too painful to discuss, or they are not emotionally ready to disclose it yet, buys them time and more attention. The co-dependent fills in the gaps to the story but is often way off the mark. The amount of pain the narcissist expresses makes the co-dependent think that their former partner must have passed away and he can’t yet say the words, ‘my wife has died’. Whatever is said, not said, lied about or fantasised about, their goal is to secure empathy, support and narcissistic supply.
When the co-dependent finally realises that not all is what it seems to be, they have already been seduced, hooked and weakened. If they listen to their instincts and their friends, they’ll soon join the real world and see things as they are, and the ‘cruel’ (or presumed dead) ex-wife will be seen more like a victim.
What Happens when you Terminate a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist?
Here a narcissist’s true identity will be revealed, and their target has their suspicions confirmed – they are dealing with a master manipulator who couldn’t care less about them. Guilt-tripping tactics are used with gay abandon and suddenly the narcissist’s victim is no longer the most amazing person in the world, they are the worst person in the world. They’ll say, “You were all I had in the world, now I have no-one” – even though you first met only a few weeks ago. They’ll tell you how devastated they are and will shout and scream, over and over “What did I do?”, dramatically on the street, or in front of neighbours or work colleagues.
Bullshitting
But they are not bullshitting this time, they truly are devastated – they don’t want to be alone, because they can’t be alone. They engage in some self-bashing in an attempt to get their target to feel sorry for them but will quickly revert to blaming the other person for misleading and not being open or honest (which is really a projection of their own behaviour). They will ignore the target’s personal boundaries and bombard them with more ‘poor me’ talk, accusations, blaming or whatever works to get their target back in place. They will make this already exhausted person feel responsible for ruining their life and abandoning them.
The guilt-trips are effective in preventing the target from remembering what is real and what is not and distracts them as they try to heal and recover. Meanwhile, the narcissist won’t be suffering for long, he will already be out fishing for his next victim and he’s very good at what he does.
Repelling or Avoiding the Covert Narcissist
The saying, ‘prevention is better than cure’ comes to mind here. It is far easier to deflect a highly manipulative person in the early stages of a relationship or friendship than later on down the track. The post-separation stage will feel like psychological warfare and the victim will become acutely aware of just how low the narcissist will go in their attempts to turn them – the victim, into the bad guy.
The following guidelines are taken from Dr Todd Grande’s (2019) YouTube video – Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits and details the steps we can take to gently untangle ourselves from someone who is getting way too close for comfort. Most rejections will repel a vulnerable narcissist.
Don’t do things for them that they can do themselves.
Don’t accept any in-genuine help from them.
Encouraging them to make decisions on their own will likely repel them – they want you on board to help.
Keep away from, or don’t express interest in a physical relationship – they will typically want to advance this quickly and they are very persuasive.
Maintain your boundaries, i.e. let them know what is OK for you, and what is not.
Don’t let them do you any favours – this will be used against you and give the narcissist an opportunity to say you owe them.
Put them in their place – let them know exactly where they fit into your life. If they try to gaslight you into believing the friendship is more than it is, or that they have known you for a lot longer than they really have – state the reality for them.
Be happy for them when they do anything that doesn’t involve you. Encouraging them to do things separately from you will repel them because they want you to need them as they need you.
When they try to advance the relationship, i.e. changing the mode of contact to a more intimate one, or suggesting you have lunch in a café together instead at work with other colleagues, say, “I like the way things are now”.
Recovering and Healing
Recovering and healing begins by looking inside ourselves for answers. What was it about us that attracted such a person in the first place? Why did we ignore the signs and our own intuition? Why do we need to pretend all is OK when it isn’t? Have we been seeing reality for what it is, or only what we want it to be? Have our previous partners been looking for love or looking for help?
What do we need to address within ourselves, to make the shift towards attracting emotionally healthy, authentic people into our lives?
If this post resonates with you or someone you know, please comment and share! My goal is to connect with others to bring awareness and choice to those affected by childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse.
Zoe is a Kinesiologist and Natural Health and Wellbeing Practitioner, specialising in the healing from co-dependent relationships. See www.innerhealthandhealing.net to learn more about how kinesiology can help us recover and heal energetically from toxic relationships and previously held co-dependent patterns, so we can live more meaningful lives. Follow the BLOG – “A Recovery of Self” for notifications of upcoming posts on recovery and healing from childhood emotional neglect, codependency and narcissistic abuse.
Photo by Heleno-Kaizer on Unsplash
References:
American Psychiatric Association (2013): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 2013 (5th edition). U.S: American Psychiatric Association.
Grande, T (2019) Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits, YouTube video, viewed September 2019.
Our Posts are Not a Stand in For Professional Mental Care. Find Your Preferred Provider at TheraConnect.net
Setting aside a specific time to fret and express worries can ease your mind.
Did you know that just putting your worries into words and expressing them out loud or on paper (or your phone or computer) can start you on the path to feeling less anxious? In fact, researchers have found that setting aside blocks of time to record your worries (known as “worry time”) can lead to notable reductions in anxiety.
There are many reasons why this works. Anxiety can often be “free-floating,” which makes it difficult to manage. Simply expressing our anxious thoughts (whether verbally or by writing them down) helps us organize these concerns. Instead of floating freely in our brains, our worries are listed—which makes them much easier to tackle and examine objectively.
Setting aside a specific time and place to express our worry, further, gives us a sense of agency and control. Doing this involves making a conscious decision and taking action. Additionally, it can be incredibly comforting to know that an outlet is in place and on the books.
There are two key ways to make an appointment to worry:
Via verbal expression (set up a time to vent to a friend, schedule or attend a therapy session). By setting aside quiet journaling time (this may not need to be scheduled and can be done when the mood strikes).
The most important part is that you let it out. Research shows that the act of putting your feelings into words can lower the level of arousal in the part of the brain that manages emotions and governs our responses to things that are upsetting. This area, known as the amygdala, lights up when we experience stress.
Talking about your problems actually quiets the amygdala, and that enables us to calm down and more logically work through stressful events and situations. Think about the last time you vented to someone you cared about. Didn’t you feel so much better after expressing your feelings and talking it out?
Scientists have also found that the act of writing down your thoughts and worries—journaling—has a similarly powerful cathartic effect. Specifically, putting your thoughts into writing makes a measurable difference in how you feel. While not a substitute for the personal interaction of therapy, journaling has proven to be an incredibly effective way to release some of your anxiety (and it is free and available immediately).
Studies show that writing about traumatic or stressful events makes people feel calmer, happier, and more at ease. The physical health benefits of expressive writing include things like improved immune system functioning (fewer colds!), reduced blood pressure (a longer life!), and fewer stress-related visits to the doctor.
Writing can provide a wonderful outlet to express unspoken thoughts without being judged. You may think, “I can’t write,” but the truth is that you likely have plenty of experience with writing—texting, emailing, blogging, live chatting, and tweeting are all writing exercises! The difference is that instead of public expression, journaling offers you a private and empowering forum to express your own personal truths.
article continues after advertisement.
Feeling stressed? Make an appointment to worry. Instead of ruminating (obsessing about something) all day, put your worries on hold. Place them on an imaginary shelf. Decide exactly when you are going to air out your worries—first thing in the morning or end of day? Or perhaps when you actually have a free moment, or when a trusted friend or therapist is available.
If you feel reluctant to verbalize your anxiety, purchase a notebook or journal and do a “worry dump.” Observe your mood after this exercise, and notice the sense of relief afterwards. At minimum, you should notice that your jumbled thoughts are now more organized and that it feels good to take constructive action. You may even gain some clarity and insight.
Most of all—do not suffer in silence. Keeping anxious thoughts and feelings to yourself can be such a heavy burden. It requires effort to hold them back, and that puts a strain on the brain and the body. Employ the curative, cathartic strategy of venting. Make an appointment with yourself, or someone else, to worry—and stop rumination in its tracks.
Separating love and limerence: when romantic focus becomes fixation.
Limerence is an intense, involuntary state of unreciprocated obsessive desire.
Risk factors for limerence include insecure attachment and adverse childhood experiences.
Limerence involves unrequited love, not reciprocal romantic interest.
Having prosecuted stalking cases for almost 30 years, I have seen many red flags indicating the pathological progression of unrequited love. Yet in reality, many cases of obsessive focus do not lead to criminal charges. With unreciprocated passion, the individual who gets burned may be the one carrying the torch. Research reveals the details of pathological focus and fantasy, discussing the difference between love and limerence.
Source: Image by Terri Sharp from Pixabay
The Longsuffering Longevity of Limerence
Chloe Evans et al. (2026) examined the large body of literature and investigation into limerence, in a piece entitled “Love, Longing and Obsession.”[i] They define limerence as “an intense, chronic, and involuntary state of unreciprocated obsessive relational longing” for a specific person. Recognizing that limerence exists on a continuum, they focus on the pathological progression of impairing limerence, which they define as a form of romantic obsession that is involuntary, intrusive, and chronic.
Regarding the progression, Evans et al. note that limerence starts during adolescence and frequently reoccurs throughout adulthood—consisting of approximately five episodes, each involving a prolonged (about two year) “obsessive fixation and preoccupation” with a particular person. Risk factors in the background of limerent individuals include insecure attachment, adverse childhood experiences, and obsessive-compulsive cognitive traits.
Evans et al. note that limerence appears to be founded upon trauma and relational insecurity, sustained through obsessive-compulsive traits, and influenced by negative moods, particularly loneliness and sadness. Limerence is linked with anxiety, depression, trauma, maladaptive daydreaming; Evans et al. found in one of their studies that limerent thoughts occupy about half of waking life.
As individuals consider whether they or someone they know may suffer from limerent thoughts, it is important to distinguish feelings of limerence from love.
Limerence Is Not Love
Limerence involves unrequited love, not reciprocal romantic interest. Evans et al. note that limerence is an involuntary cognitive-affective state consisting of an intrusive, obsessive, “all-consuming longing and love” for the object of one’s affection—who is typically unaware of their significance. And unlike the development of loving feelings or romantic crushes, Evans et al. note that limerence is involuntary, longer-lasting, and obsessive, involving a hope of reciprocation and idealized fantasies of the person of interest. Regarding duration, Evans et al. note that limerent episodes can last for years at a time, and limerent individuals can transfer their obsession onto different targets.
Unhealthy Attention as Addiction
Evans et al. note the similarity between the features of limerence and behavioral addiction, which include impairment, emotional volatility, and cognitive preoccupation. They note that this comparison also includes obsessive preoccupation, mood modification—where emotional highs and lows are linked with imagined reciprocation or perceived cues, symptoms of withdrawal where distress is caused by lack of contact, conflict with existing relationships, inability to stop thinking about the target, and even relapse, where an individual resumes obsessive cognitions or switches feelings to a new target.
Evans et al. also note that limerence is different from erotomania, defined as a delusional belief that an individual who has status and social power is in love with oneself. With limerent individuals, there is no actual reciprocation, only the illusion of reciprocity through imagination and fantasy, which fuels the experience.
Detecting Red Flags in Pursuit of Relational Resilience
Fortunately, there are ways to identify risk factors that indicate a crush is evolving from focus into fixation. Maladaptive, intrusive thoughts about a stranger, acquaintance, or even a public figure are causes for concern.
Recognizing signs of limerence within oneself or others can prompt the desire to seek help for what may develop into an unhealthy addiction with maladaptive consequences upon current relationships and other life circumstances. Health and wellness prioritize both physical and emotional well-being, which are enhanced by early recognition of harmful thoughts and beliefs, in order to reduce anxiety and promote positive changes. And for anyone already struggling with unrequited obsession, professional help is available.
References
[i] Evans, Chloe, Sian O. Panton, Will H. Strawson, Eleanor Floyd, Stephen Kellett, and Giulia L. Poerio. “Love, Longing and Obsession: Features, Correlates, Comorbidities, and Real-Time Cognitive-Affective Dynamics of Limerence.” Acta Psychologica (Netherlands) 267 (July 2026): 107043.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wait… how did that become my fault?”
You started by trying to talk about something that hurt you, but somehow you ended up defending yourself, apologizing, or questioning your own memory.
One difficult conversation doesn’t mean someone is a narcissist. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health condition involving a persistent pattern of grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, and reduced empathy. A qualified mental health professional—not a social-media checklist—must make the diagnosis. Mayo Clinic
However, repeated communication patterns can still be worth noticing, particularly if a relationship regularly leaves you feeling confused, dismissed, guilty, or emotionally exhausted.
Here are seven clues to watch for.
1. Somehow, Everything Becomes About Them
You might begin a conversation with:
“I was hurt by what happened yesterday.”
Instead of discussing your feelings, the conversation immediately becomes about their feelings, their problems, their accomplishments, or how difficult you are being.
People with NPD can have an excessive need for admiration and may have difficulty recognizing or responding to other people’s needs and feelings. Mayo Clinic
A healthy conversation doesn’t require one person to disappear emotionally so the other person can take center stage.
2. They Rarely Take Responsibility
You bring up something that hurt you.
Suddenly you hear:
“You made me do it.”
“If you hadn’t said that…”
“You’re the reason I reacted that way.”
Everyone makes mistakes. Healthy relationships involve the ability to acknowledge mistakes, repair damage, and move forward.
A persistent pattern of blaming others while refusing accountability is different.
NPD can involve entitlement, exploitation of others, and difficulty recognizing other people’s feelings. Merck Manuals
The important question isn’t whether someone has ever been defensive.
It’s whether defensiveness is their consistent response whenever they’re challenged.
3. They Twist the Conversation
You remember what you said.
They insist you said something else.
You explain your original point.
Suddenly you’re arguing about five different things—and you’ve forgotten what you were trying to discuss in the first place.
This can leave you feeling confused and questioning your own recollection.
Cleveland Clinic notes that gaslighting can occur in relationships involving NPD, including attempts to convince another person that they said or did something differently. Cleveland Clinic
That doesn’t mean every disagreement or difference in memory is gaslighting.
But if this happens repeatedly, it’s worth paying attention.
4. Your Feelings Get Dismissed
You say:
“That really hurt me.”
They respond:
“You’re too sensitive.”
Or:
“You’re overreacting.”
Or:
“It wasn’t a big deal.”
The conversation shifts away from what happened and toward whether you’re allowed to feel the way you feel.
Having your feelings challenged doesn’t automatically mean someone is narcissistic. People can disagree about an event and still respect each other’s emotions.
The warning sign is a repeated pattern in which your emotional experience is routinely minimized, mocked, or ignored.
Empathy is an important part of healthy relationships, while lack of empathy is one of the diagnostic features associated with NPD. Merck Manuals
5. They Change the Subject When Challenged
You ask a straightforward question.
Instead of answering it, they bring up something you did three months ago.
You try to return to the original issue.
Now you’re defending yourself.
This is sometimes called whataboutism or deflection.
For example:
“Why did you speak to me that way?”
becomes:
“What about the time YOU yelled at me?”
Maybe your behavior does need to be discussed—but it doesn’t erase the original question.
Healthy communication can address both issues without using one to avoid the other.
6. They Need to Win Instead of Understand
Some conversations aren’t really conversations.
They’re competitions.
The objective isn’t:
“Let’s understand each other.”
It’s:
“I’m going to prove that I’m right.”
Someone may interrupt, belittle, exaggerate, change the subject, or become extremely angry when challenged.
People with NPD can be particularly sensitive to criticism or failure and may respond with anger, contempt, counterattacks, or withdrawal. Merck Manuals
Again, one argument doesn’t establish a diagnosis.
Look for the pattern.
Can disagreements eventually become respectful conversations, or does every disagreement become a battle for control?
7. You Consistently Leave the Conversation Feeling Drained
This may be the clue people overlook.
After talking to this person, do you regularly feel:
Confused?
Guilty?
Emotionally exhausted?
Like you have to explain yourself repeatedly?
Afraid to bring up certain subjects?
Like you somehow became the problem?
Your feelings aren’t proof that another person has NPD.
But they are information about your experience.
If a relationship repeatedly leaves you distressed, it may be worth stepping back and looking at the larger pattern rather than focusing on one conversation.
The Most Important Part: Don’t Diagnose From a Conversation
The word “narcissist” is often used casually online. But narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder aren’t the same thing.
A person can be selfish, arrogant, defensive, inconsiderate, or difficult without having NPD.
NPD requires a persistent pattern that meets specific clinical criteria, and diagnosis should be made by a qualified professional. Mayo Clinic
So instead of asking:
“Can I prove they’re a narcissist?”
a more useful question may be:
“Is this relationship healthy for me?”
You don’t need a diagnosis to decide that a behavior is unacceptable.
You can set boundaries.
You can end a conversation.
You can say, “I’m willing to discuss this when we can speak respectfully.”
And you can step away when a conversation becomes emotionally harmful.
Cleveland Clinic specifically recommends healthy boundaries and emphasizes that you cannot force another person with NPD to change; the person has to be willing to change themselves. Cleveland Clinic
You Deserve Conversations Where You Can Be Heard
Healthy communication doesn’t mean agreeing about everything.
It means being able to disagree without constantly being humiliated, dismissed, manipulated, or made responsible for another person’s behavior.
If you recognize these patterns in a relationship and they’re causing significant distress, consider talking with a qualified mental health professional. You don’t have to figure everything out alone.
Your feelings matter. Your boundaries matter. And you don’t have to win an argument to deserve respect.
A Note From Fitness Hacks for Life
This article is for general educational and self-help purposes and is not a diagnosis or substitute for professional mental health care. If you’re experiencing an unhealthy or abusive relationship, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional or an appropriate support service for guidance.
The tragic murder of Sarah Everard this past week sparked conversations about women’s safety, misogyny, and male violence. It is not the first time that our society is alerted to what has been termed “toxic masculinity.” There have been many opportunities for discussions and self-reflection recently, particularly with the #MeToo movement a few years ago—and even further back in history, too, with countless feminists and other women speaking up over the years.
Why haven’t we listened yet? Why are there still men who are surprised to hear women’s daily experiences with misogyny? How many more stories of rape, violence, and murder must we face before we confront the roots of toxic masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is the result of a set of strict rules that prescribe what being a man should be. These toxic “man rules” include:
A man should suffer physical and emotional pain in silence.
A man shouldn’t seek warmth, comfort, or tenderness.
A man should only have the emotions of bravery and anger. Any other emotions are weaknesses. Weakness is unacceptable.
A man shouldn’t depend on anyone. Asking for help is also weak.
A man should always want to win, whether in sports, work, relationships, or sex.
We don’t have to look far to see traces of toxic masculinity in many men. Why is that? It is not because men are naturally bad people. It is because men were boys who were often taught terrible lessons from a very young age—for example, “boys shouldn’t cry,” “boys shouldn’t be sensitive,” “boys should defend themselves,” “boys shouldn’t want to play with girl’s toys,” “boys should be rough,” “boys should want to conquer the heart of girls,” etc. These are only a few of the very common damaging messages boys grow up to absorb.
The consequence of this kind of messaging is boys becoming men who are emotionally blunt, and who may find it hard to connect with others—particularly their girlfriends or wives, if they’re heterosexual. In most cases, these messages will make it difficult for these men to have a good relationship with their partners. But in the worst of cases, it can transform into rage and, unfortunately, murder.
Toxic masculinity doesn’t only kill women. It kills men, too. Within those strict “man rules,” men can become desperately unhappy and unable to reach out. Three-quarters of deaths by suicide in England and Wales are men.
If we want to change the world, if we want to stop misogyny, if we want women to be safe in our streets and men to be psychologically healthier, we need to start with how we raise our boys—in every single household, in schools, and in our communities.
It’s a long road to changing our society, but we must start now. Turning a blind eye or not challenging those “man rules” is colluding with them. We must challenge those rules every single time, and then, in time, we may prevent future tragedies.
Share
Tweet
Share on Bluesky
Share
Email
