How to cope with obsessive thoughts in a relationship.

“I can’t stop thinking about her”. “I want to know everything about her.” “Time stops when I’m with her.” “I don’t think she knows how much I care about her.”

If you hear these sentences, would you think about love or obsession? Sometimes, separating the two can be quite an endeavor. Having feelings for someone we don’t know very well can border on an insane obsession we cultivate for that person and unhealthy projections we attribute to them.

On obsession or being under siege

In general, obsession is quite an unhealthy state of mind. It becomes even more dangerous when obsession gets confused with romantic feelings somewhat resembling love.

But obsession is a state of mind that tries to tell us something important about ourselves to improve the quality of our lives.

Irvin Yalom once wrote: “Love obsession often serves as a distraction, keeping the individual’s gaze from more painful thoughts.”

Obsession is a distraction; a very dangerous and consuming one. It keeps us from a true intimate connection with ourselves.

That is, if you start obsessing about someone, this person is the least of your problems. It is very likely in fact that this person does not even feel cared for by you.

Obsession is putting you under siege. In fact, the word, ‘obsession’ comes from the Latin ob-sidere, which means to be occupied and almost invaded by something that does not belong to you. In fact, the person you may be obsessing about is often a stranger, a long distant friend, a coworker; someone you met only a few times. It is someone you do not know well. The fact that you do not know this person very well allows the obsession to thrive. Thanks to the lack of reality checks, your mind will run wild in projections on the life of this person. You will build possible scenarios about your next encounter with them. Any action or reaction from that person will make your heart beat as never before. You are alive but under siege. You are alive because you are under siege. Suddenly, your mind will be busied with intruding thoughts that do not fully belong to you but keep you busy.

Keeping you busy is the hidden agenda of any obsession. Obsessions are there to displace your attention and care about what truly matters.

But watch out. The glimpses of joy you allow yourself to feel when humoring the obsession are often just an illusion. What seems to bring promises of joy and happiness will be the carrier of a loss of sleep and a ton of anxiety.

How can you know if you are in love, or if you are just obsessed?

You can decide to allow yourself some time to answer this question.

If the person you are feeling so much about is the right person for you, the decision about what to do with these important feelings can wait some time; before making big decisions, you can allow yourself to take some distance and check with yourself if there is something missing in your life that justifies the obsessive feelings.

Often, the difference between obsession and healthy loving feelings is marked out by a natural spontaneous and anxiety free growth. When prey to obsessions, you are getting close to the person you feel obsessed about with a ton of anxiety, double guessing, and looping thoughts. So, it might be that you feel attracted to this person and feel slightly insecure about him or her. With a closer look, you might realize that you do not know much about this person. You might see that you did not spend so much time with him or her. You do not actually know how she or he is in the world.

With a deeper introspection, you might even realize that you do not care that much about their life or inner world; what you want is their spotlight on you. You want this person to see you, to get to know you, to get interested in your life. You look forward to making this person part of your life.

In fact, this person whose company you are craving, is you.

Give yourself what you fantasize receiving from your obsession

Obsessions are very tricky. In fact, they indicate that there is something so painful and sad at the bottom of your chest that you have decided to disconnect from it.

In fact, if you try to think lucidly through it—”what if I give in to my obsession”—a disastrous chain of events sometimes follows: your marriage breaking up in an awful way, losing respect for yourself, getting so disorganized that a job offer is revoked, etc.

An obsession can help you make the change you are so afraid of. Yet, it will open that door in a tempestuous way: your life will be so busy and disorganized that you will eventually forget about your pain.

But pain cannot ever be forgotten. It can be repressed, but never deleted from the soul unless you put real work into listening to it.

Ideally, what you can do to care about yourself is to give yourself some time to understand the limits of your situation. To do that, you need to resist the temptation of giving the obsession all your time.

You can pay attention to the obsession, only in so far as it tells you something concrete about what you would like to do. Do you desire to be with the other person? What would make this encounter so special? Do you want this person to know about your interests? Do you want this person to acknowledge the depth of your thoughts and creativity? Then invite all this into your life. Pay attention to your own interests and try to make more time to dedicate yourself to them. Invite sex into your life with your partner, by yourself or by undertaking fun sexual adventures. Be ambitious; start doing with your life what you wish you could do with the person you are obsessing about.

To conclude: obsessions are tough

Obsessions are tough. They are little tornadoes that we invite into our life because mourning would be too painful and making a change too unsafe. The source of pain becomes so remote and disconnected that you need to play the emotional investigator in order to reconnect with that source and resolve the pain.

So, if you start paying attention to what your needs really are and what you expect to find in that person, it might be that the hurting part, hidden somewhere in you, comes back to trust you again with its thoughts and feelings.

It might be that all you can do is just cry and mourn; or it might be that it is time for you to take action in respect of that pain and move on.

In general, the best advice is to take some time for yourself to learn how to cope with the obsession and make a decision that involves the real you, not the you that is under siege.

Do Narcissists Have Feelings? Not for You, not for one second!

You’ve probably heard that narcissists don’t have feelings. That’s partly true — they don’t have real feelings for you. Their emotional world revolves around themselves, and other people exist mainly as a source of attention and validation. Understanding this distinction is key to understanding why they behave the way they do.

Emotions as Fuel: The Narcissist’s Real Motivation

For a narcissist, other people’s emotions function like fuel. Provoking a strong reaction — anger, frustration, tears — gives them a hit of power and control. The stronger your reaction, the more “proof” they get that they can still pull your strings.

This is why narcissists often seem to escalate conflict rather than resolve it. Resolution ends the supply of reaction; escalation keeps it flowing.

Why Your Reaction Feels Like a Win to Them

When your voice rises in anger or frustration turns to tears, it confirms — to them — that they’ve successfully gotten under your skin. In that moment, they feel a sense of superiority and control over you. It’s not an accident or a side effect of conflict; for a narcissist, provoking that exact response is often the goal.

The Cycle of Emotional Manipulation

The pattern typically looks like this:

1. Provoke — a comment, insult, or manipulation designed to trigger a reaction
2. React — you respond with visible frustration, anger, or hurt
3. Feed — your reaction reinforces their sense of power and control
4. Repeat — the behavior continues because it’s been rewarded

Over time, this cycle leaves the people around a narcissist feeling drained, anxious, and emotionally exhausted — while the narcissist’s need for that reaction never actually gets satisfied. It just resets and starts again.

How to Stop Feeding the Cycle

Breaking the pattern doesn’t mean suppressing how you feel — it means changing how much visible reaction you give the narcissist to work with.

• Recognize the pattern in real time. Naming it internally (“this is provocation, not a real conflict”) creates distance between the trigger and your response.
• Respond flatly instead of emotionally. A calm, low-energy response gives them nothing to feed on.
• Set a boundary and disengage. You don’t have to win the exchange — walking away is often the most effective response.
• Process the emotion elsewhere. Talk it through with someone you trust, or a therapist, rather than showing the reaction to the person provoking it.

The Bottom Line

A narcissist’s provocations aren’t random — they’re a bid for emotional reaction, because that reaction is what feeds their sense of control. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to starving it. The less reaction you supply, the less power the cycle has over you.

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If you’re in a relationship where this pattern feels constant or overwhelming, talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse or relational dynamics can help you build a plan to protect your well-being.

Sex with a narcissist often follows the same pattern as the relationship itself:

1. Love Bombing

At the beginning, sex may feel passionate, exciting, and intensely intimate. They may:

• Make you feel like you’re the only person in the world.
• Be very attentive to your needs.
• Use physical affection to create a strong emotional bond quickly.

2. Control

As the relationship progresses, sex may become a way to gain power. They may:

• Decide when intimacy happens.
• Withhold affection as punishment.
• Pressure you into activities you’re uncomfortable with.
• Use sex to reward or punish behavior.

3. Lack of Emotional Intimacy

Although the physical connection may seem intense, genuine emotional closeness is often missing. A narcissist may:

• Focus primarily on their own pleasure.
• Show little empathy for your feelings.
• Treat sex as validation rather than mutual connection.

4. Devaluation

Once the idealization phase ends, they may:

• Criticize your appearance or performance.
• Compare you to others.
• Become distant or reject intimacy.
• Use infidelity or flirting to make you jealous.

5. Hoovering

If you leave, they may try to pull you back by:

• Becoming suddenly affectionate.
• Promising change.
• Using sexual memories or chemistry to rekindle the relationship.

Healthy Sex vs. Narcissistic Sex

Healthy Relationship	Narcissistic Relationship
Mutual respect	Control and manipulation
Open communication	One-sided demands
Emotional connection	Validation seeking
Consent is respected	Boundaries may be ignored or pressured
Both partners’ needs matter	Their needs come first

Why It Can Be Hard to Leave

Many survivors describe the sexual chemistry as one of the hardest parts of ending the relationship. This can happen because:

• The cycle of affection and rejection creates powerful emotional highs and lows.
• Intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable rewards) can strengthen emotional attachment.
• You may confuse intense chemistry with genuine intimacy.

Healing After a Narcissistic Relationship

Recovery often involves:

• Rebuilding trust in yourself.
• Learning healthy relationship boundaries.
• Understanding trauma bonding.
• Seeking support from a therapist or support group if needed.
• Giving yourself time to separate emotional intensity from genuine love.

Remember, great sex alone is not evidence of a healthy relationship. In a healthy partnership, physical intimacy is built on trust, respect, empathy, consent, and mutual care—not manipulation or control.

Contrasting view of life—one leading to loneliness, one to happiness.

• Understanding Loneliness
• Take our Loneliness Test
• Find a therapist near me

Key points

• As social beings, we are born amongst others and therefore are never really alone.
• We can choose behaviors that connect us to others in positive ways.
• Nothing is guaranteed, but pro-social behaviors are more likely to lead to happiness than not.

Two quotes making the rounds on social media present starkly different views of life. The first, by journalist Hunter S. Thompson, says, “We are all alone, born alone, die alone … and we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way.” Hunter concludes, “This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

The second quote is from theologian and poet Thomas Merton. While Merton doesn’t address aloneness or happiness, both are implied in his comment, “What we are asked to do is love [others], and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.”

The Thompson’s approach strikes me as wrongheaded, while Merton’s advice may be a stretch too far.

First, Thomson: he is factually wrong. We aren’t born alone but from the body of another and in the presence of others who care for us. Without others, as infants we wouldn’t receive food or shelter. As children, we wouldn’t learn the skills of survival or have access to the material advances which make life something more than short and brutish. There is no way to understand humankind other than as first and foremost social beings.

By contrast, Merton’s urging is laudable—to love others is a worthy goal. It isn’t merely that we are in the company of others, which Thompson concedes he has had, but the nature of that relationship that transcends loneliness. But there is a problem with Merton, as well, and that is that love cannot be summoned up at will. Still, we can be kind, considerate, thoughtful, and generous; we can show our care for others by acting fairly and justly. We can choose to be cooperative and be helpful. These behaviors are within our power. And perhaps from that love may follow.

Unlike Merton’s hopeful view, Thompson’s is jaundiced. It is hardly a recipe to follow for human flourishing. It isn’t a model to emulate but a cautionary tale of a sad life. Loneliness lurks behind Thompson’s implicit philosophy of individualism, a way of living that it is widely held but deeply destructive. I have written about the problems with individualism several times, most recently here.

Merton’s goal of universal love may be obtainable only by a person devoted to the religious life, as was Merton, a Trappist monk. Others live in the murky world of competing desires and values, internal and external stresses, partial successes and failures, and limited abilities. The model of sainthood isn’t especially useful to those who live a secular and flawed life.

Hunter and Merton present contrasting philosophies of life, one sour, the other optimistic. Which one gets us closer to a life of meaning, fulfillment and flourishing?

For some, Thompson accurately reflects their own experiences and feelings of being alone. For others who accept it as a description of life in general, it may be become a self-fulfilling prophecy, a prediction that becomes true because of the influence our expectations have on seeing what we want to see.

If you believe that aloneness is inherent in the human condition, as Thompson writes, then you may well find that loneliness is an accurate description of life. Conversely, if you switch your frame of reference and behave in caring and just ways, as Merton encourages, then the possibility of experiencing the joys of living opens up. Nothing is guaranteed, but Merton does make a happy life more likely than does Thompson.

Obsession Is Not Love

Many people mistake obsession for love because both can feel intense. Movies, television, and social media often romanticize possessiveness, constant contact, and jealousy. In reality, these behaviors can be signs of an unhealthy attachment rather than genuine love.

Healthy love creates trust, security, and freedom. Obsession often creates anxiety, control, and emotional exhaustion.

Understanding the difference can help you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns before they become emotionally damaging.

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What Is Obsession?

Obsession is an overwhelming fixation on another person. Thoughts about them become constant, and your emotional well-being begins to depend on their attention, approval, or presence.

Obsessive behaviors may include:

• Constantly checking their social media
• Feeling anxious when they don’t respond immediately
• Wanting to know where they are at all times
• Ignoring your own needs to focus on them
• Feeling unable to function without them

These behaviors may feel like love, but they’re driven more by fear than connection.

Research shows that obsessive thinking is linked to anxiety, insecure attachment, and relationship distress.

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What Healthy Love Looks Like

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect rather than emotional dependency.

Healthy love includes:

• Trust
• Respect
• Honest communication
• Healthy boundaries
• Independence
• Emotional safety
• Mutual support

Partners encourage each other’s personal growth instead of controlling one another.

The American Psychological Association notes that healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and open communication rather than coercion or control.

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12 Signs Obsession Is Replacing Love

1. You Need Constant Reassurance

You constantly ask:

• Do you still love me?
• Are you mad at me?
• Who are you with?

Healthy love doesn’t require continual proof.

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2. Jealousy Controls Your Emotions

Feeling jealous occasionally is normal.

Obsessive jealousy becomes:

• Monitoring
• Accusations
• Suspicion
• Fear of losing control

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3. You Lose Your Identity

Your hobbies disappear.

Your friendships fade.

Your entire world revolves around one person.

Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their individuality.

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4. Every Text Feels Like an Emergency

Minutes without a reply create panic.

Your mood depends on notifications.

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5. You Ignore Red Flags

Obsession often convinces people to excuse:

• Manipulation
• Gaslighting
• Emotional abuse
• Broken promises

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6. You Feel Responsible for Their Happiness

Love supports.

Obsession rescues.

You begin believing it’s your job to fix every problem.

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7. Boundaries Feel Threatening

Healthy people respect:

• Privacy
• Alone time
• Personal goals

Obsessive attachment interprets boundaries as rejection.

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8. Fear Becomes Stronger Than Joy

Instead of enjoying the relationship, you spend most of your energy worrying about losing it.

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9. You Constantly Check Their Online Activity

Watching:

• Last active status
• Likes
• Followers
• Comments

can become emotionally exhausting.

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10. Control Replaces Trust

You may try to influence:

• Their schedule
• Friendships
• Clothing
• Activities

Control is not intimacy.

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11. You Stop Taking Care of Yourself

Your own:

• Sleep
• Exercise
• Nutrition
• Mental health

become secondary.

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12. You Feel Empty Without Them

Love adds to your life.

Obsession convinces you that your life has no meaning without one specific person.

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Why Obsession Happens

Several factors can contribute to obsessive relationship patterns:

• Childhood attachment experiences
• Low self-esteem
• Fear of abandonment
• Anxiety
• Trauma
• Loneliness

Attachment theory suggests that insecure attachment styles can increase fear of rejection and relationship anxiety.

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Can Obsession Become Unhealthy?

Yes.

When obsessive thoughts lead to controlling behavior, emotional abuse, stalking, or threats, the relationship is no longer healthy.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, seeking support from a licensed mental health professional can help you build healthier relationship skills.

If someone else’s behavior toward you becomes controlling, intimidating, or unsafe, prioritize your safety and seek help from trusted people or local resources.

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How to Build Healthier Love

Instead of focusing on another person, focus on becoming emotionally healthy yourself.

Helpful habits include:

• Build friendships outside the relationship.
• Continue hobbies and interests.
• Practice healthy boundaries.
• Develop self-confidence.
• Communicate openly.
• Spend time apart without guilt.
• Seek counseling if unhealthy patterns continue.

Healthy love allows two complete people to grow together—not two people who feel incomplete without each other.

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Final Thoughts

Obsession may feel passionate, but lasting love is built on trust, respect, freedom, and emotional safety.

If your relationship is driven more by fear than peace, it may be time to step back and evaluate whether what you’re experiencing is love—or an unhealthy attachment.

Learning the difference is one of the most important steps toward building relationships that truly support your well-being.

References

• American Psychological Association. Healthy relationships and communication.
• National Institute of Mental Health. Anxiety disorders overview.
• Attachment theory research and relationship attachment styles.

After a breach of trust, Examples of romantic betrayals include infidelity, dishonesty, and lack of emotional support.

The chances of a relationship surviving betrayal depend on the perpetrator’s perspective.

Betrayal can cause relational damage as well as reputational damage.

Source: Sunrise / Pixabay

There is nothing so special, even magical, as the warm glow of new romance. The period of time when partners are getting to know more about each other every day. As time goes by and trust is solidified, both parties become increasingly invested in the relationship, envisioning a bright future together. Many couples experience exactly that over the course of a lifetime, from walking down the aisle to walking into the sunset decades later. Other couples, however, are not that lucky. Somewhere along the line, one or both spouses break their vows.

The most commonly cited form of romantic betrayal is infidelity, which may be physical or emotional, an intentional strategic act or an impulsive decision made under the influence of an intoxicant. The ability to recover from the event, however, often depends on the perspective of the perpetrator. Research explains.

Harnessing the Reasons for Heartbreak

Romantic betrayal is experienced every day by partners around the globe from every demographic background. While many studies have focused on the betrayed “innocent” partner, recent research has focused on the betrayer, seeking to understand how betrayer motivation predicts relational dissolution or restoration.

F. Lalot et al. (2026) studied the reasons for betrayal in a piece entitled “The Things We Do to Each Other.”[i] They defined betrayal as “a voluntary violation of mutually known pivotal expectations of the trustor by the trusted party (trustee), which has the potential to threaten the well-being of the trustor.” They collected and analyzed more than 1100 betrayal narratives from the point of view of the relationship betrayer from university students and community participants across five countries and three languages: France, Germany, Switzerland, the United States, and the United Kingdom. In each case, Lalot et al. examined the type of betrayal, the type of relationship, and the response of the person who was betrayed, as well as the causes of disloyalty explained by the betrayer. They found a variety of different types of betrayal occurring within a range of relationships, and results including everything from forgiveness to relational dissolution to revenge.

Why Partners Stray

Lalot et al. noted several traditional examples of romantic betrayals, including infidelity, dishonesty, betraying confidences, excessive criticism, lack of emotional support, and ignoring one’s partner. They note that more recent research confirms that romantic infidelity remains the most frequently cited example of betrayal, although other reported experiences include revealing secrets, lying, manipulative behavior, gossiping, failing to assist during a time of need, and unexpectedly cutting ties.

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Lalot et al. acknowledge that betrayers may incorporate a cost-benefit approach to considering betrayal, weighing what they stand to gain against potential loss. They note that costs to the perpetrator can include relational damages as well as reputational damage if others learn about the betrayal, as well as damage to the betrayer’s personal self-image and self-esteem due to the need to integrate negative behavior into personal self-concept.

Taking Responsibility Prompts Relational Repair

Regarding motivation and blame, Lalot et al. found that betrayers predominantly explained their betrayal as stemming from internal factors as opposed to blaming the innocent party or the relational dynamics. They also found that when betrayers reported strong internal attributions for betrayal, the person betrayed was more likely to have forgiven the transgression and less likely to have taken revenge. They note that this result is consistent with the notion that perpetrators who take responsibility for their actions earn more forgiveness, whereas revenge is used to send a message designed to force the betrayer to face the consequences of their betrayal, which is unnecessary if they have already taken responsibility.

As a practical matter, however, although post-betrayal confession and remorse contribute to relational repair and resilience, motive matters. A premeditated, strategic approach to securing private time with an attractive co-worker may be more emotionally devastating than a drunken one-night stand with a stranger. But both examples include additional relational hurdles, from a habit of overindulgence to poor impulse control to a compromised conscience. Nonetheless, when couples are willing to move forward, help is available to address both the betrayal and the underlying causes, to repair relational comfort and trust.

References

[i] Lalot, F., A.-M. Bertram, J. Schuck, L. Maritz, and A. Bardeau. 2026. “The Things We Do to Each Other: A Study of Betrayal Narratives From the Betrayer’s Perspective.” Personal Relationships 33, no. 2: e70065. is a path forward.

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When “They Just Won’t Leave Me Alone” Becomes Something More

You block them. Then a new account starts viewing your stories. A mutual friend suddenly starts asking questions about you. An unfamiliar number sends you a message. Then you see them somewhere you didn’t expect.

You start wondering: Is this a coincidence — or are they finding ways to keep tabs on me?

When someone has been controlling, manipulative, or abusive, stalking doesn’t always look dramatic at first. Sometimes it looks like curiosity. Sometimes it looks like concern. Sometimes it’s genuinely a coincidence — and sometimes it’s anything but.

Stalking can happen in person, through other people, or through technology. The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes tactics that include repeated unwanted communication, monitoring through technology or social media, gathering information, showing up unexpectedly, and using other people to maintain access.

First: Not Every Narcissist Is a Stalker

It’s important not to assume that someone with narcissistic traits — or even someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder — is automatically a stalker. NPD is a clinical diagnosis that requires professional evaluation.

The concern is the behavior, not the label. If someone repeatedly monitors, follows, contacts, intimidates, or interferes with your life after you’ve made it clear you don’t want contact, focus on what they’re doing. You don’t need a diagnosis to take unwanted behavior seriously.

1. New Social Media Accounts Keep Appearing

You block one account. Another appears — maybe with a different name, minimal info, nothing obviously connected. The account itself isn’t the point; the pattern is. If blocked accounts keep being replaced by new ones watching or contacting you, document it rather than engaging.

What you can do: Don’t accept suspicious requests just to find out who’s behind them. Screenshot when appropriate. Review your privacy settings. Ask trusted friends not to share information about you. You don’t owe an unfamiliar account access to your life.

2. Mutual Friends Are Quietly Feeding Information

You mentioned something privately to a friend — and somehow, your ex already knows. That alone doesn’t mean you’re being stalked; information travels in ordinary ways. But repeated information-gathering through mutual contacts becomes concerning as part of a larger pattern: Where are you living now? Are you seeing anyone? What are you doing this weekend?

If people around you keep reporting these questions, become more selective about what you share — you don’t have to accuse anyone.

3. They Keep “Coincidentally” Showing Up

Your coffee shop. Then somewhere else. Once is likely coincidence. Repeated appearances at places you regularly go — home, work, school — deserve attention. If you feel unsafe, don’t confront them for an explanation. Your safety matters more than getting an answer.

4. “Accidental” Contact Tests Your Boundaries

“Just checking on you.” “I found something of yours.” “I had a dream about you.” The message itself can be completely ordinary — that’s what makes it confusing. The real question isn’t whether the message was nice. It’s: did you ask this person to stop contacting you? If you set that boundary and contact continues anyway, the boundary is what matters — not the tone of the message.

5. They Reach You Through Other People

You block them. Then a friend passes along a message “on their behalf,” or a family member says they “really want to talk.” You’re allowed to say: “I don’t want messages from this person passed to me” — no explanation required.

6. They’re Monitoring Your Online Activity

They know when you post. They reference your location. They know who you’ve been spending time with, without you telling them. If you suspect your accounts or devices are being watched, consider reviewing passwords, privacy settings, location sharing, and device access — but if changing settings could alert someone abusive, get help building a safety plan first.

7. They’re Actively Collecting Information

Public records, search engines, mutual contacts, social media — some stalking behavior is just quiet information-gathering. This is part of why oversharing online can create real risk. You don’t have to disappear from social media, but consider limiting what’s public: your exact location, daily routine, workplace, home address, real-time travel, and details about your children.

8. Gifts or Unexpected Items Show Up

Flowers. Packages. Something you “left behind.” A gift alone isn’t stalking — but unwanted gifts become part of a pattern when someone keeps trying to get your attention after being asked to stop. You don’t owe gratitude just because the item looks thoughtful.

9. They Make You Doubt What You’re Seeing

This is often the most damaging part. You notice a pattern — then start questioning yourself: Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it’s nothing. If this person has manipulated you before, that self-doubt runs even deeper.

Keep the focus on observable facts: What happened? When? How many times? Did you ask it to stop? Documenting the pattern makes it easier to see clearly — and easier to trust yourself again.

10. Contact Escalates When You Stop Responding

More calls. More accounts. More attempts through friends. More unexpected appearances. Escalation after loss of access is a serious signal — you don’t have to wait for something dramatic to happen before you take it seriously and build a safety plan.

What to Do If You Think You’re Being Stalked

Document the pattern. Dates, times, messages, screenshots, witnesses, unexpected encounters. The goal isn’t obsessively tracking them — it’s documenting what’s happening to you, in case you need support from law enforcement, an attorney, an advocate, or your workplace.

Don’t meet alone for “closure.” You don’t owe an in-person meeting because someone demands one. If ongoing contact is unavoidable (shared children, property, work), use safer, structured communication.

Tell someone you trust. A friend, family member, coworker, or therapist. Stalking can make your world feel smaller — you don’t have to carry it alone.

Review your digital security. Unique passwords, two-factor authentication, checking login activity and connected devices. If you think someone already has device access, get professional tech-safety help before changing settings that could alert them.

Care for your body while you’re carrying this. Chronic hypervigilance — checking over your shoulder, sleeping lightly, staying braced — takes a physical toll, not just a mental one. Rest, grounded movement, and nervous-system care matter here as much as documentation does.

The Most Important Thing to Remember

You don’t need to prove someone is a narcissist. You don’t need to convince everyone something is wrong. And you don’t need to wait until it’s “bad enough” for someone else to take you seriously.

Pay attention to patterns — not intent, not explanations, not how innocent it can be made to look. Stalking is about behavior and unwanted persistence.

And if this is happening to you: it is not your fault.

Your priority isn’t figuring out why they’re doing it. It’s protecting your peace, your privacy, and your safety.

You Don’t Have to Handle It Alone

If you’re concerned about stalking or technology-facilitated abuse, consider speaking with a qualified domestic violence or stalking advocate to build a safety plan specific to your situation. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers safety-planning resources, and SPARC provides stalking-specific information and assessment tools.

If you’re in immediate danger, contact emergency services.

Related Resources

• How to Set Boundaries With Toxic People — And Actually Stick to Them
• Going No Contact With Narcissists vs. Grey Rock
• Texting Behavior of Narcissists: How to Respond and Stay in Control
• 10 Phrases Narcissists Say — And What They’re Really Telling You

Final Reminder

You’re allowed to protect your privacy. You’re allowed to block someone. You’re allowed to stop explaining yourself. You’re allowed to ask people not to share information about you. And you’re allowed to take repeated unwanted behavior seriously.

Sometimes healing starts when you stop asking “Am I overreacting?” and start asking “What do I need to feel safe again?”

Female Narcissist: Deniable Manipulation Tactics

How to Spot a Female Narcissist: Deniable Manipulation Tactics

Not all narcissistic manipulation looks like control or aggression. Many women with narcissistic traits rely on subtlety — charm, feigned vulnerability, and indirect tactics that leave plenty of room for denial. That deniability is the tactic itself: no matter what she does, it can always be spun as innocent, misread, or someone else’s fault.

Recognizing these patterns is protective — for your relationships, your friendships, your family dynamics, and honestly, for your own body. Chronic exposure to this kind of manipulation doesn’t just wear on your mind; it shows up as tension, disrupted sleep, and stress that lives in the body long after the conversation ends. Awareness is the first step back toward steadiness, in both.

The Deniability Playbook

1. Gaslighting as a Core Strategy
Reality gets twisted just enough that you start questioning your own memory. Conversations get denied, reactions get reframed as “overreacting,” and over time you stop trusting your own read on things (Stern, 2018).
Example: She sends a hurtful message, then insists she “didn’t mean it that way” — and somehow you’re the one apologizing.

2. The Victim Role
Confrontation gets flipped fast. She becomes the wounded party, gaining sympathy while quietly shifting the blame onto you (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001).
Example: She lashes out, then later says, “I only reacted that way because you hurt me first.”

3. Indirect Manipulation
Rather than open aggression, it’s passive-aggression, backhanded compliments, or quiet exclusion — all easily waved off as “just a joke” if you push back.
Example: A sarcastic comment about your choices in front of friends, followed by “you’re being too sensitive” if you say anything.

4. Triangulation
Third parties get pulled in to stir comparison, jealousy, or insecurity — while she stays just far enough removed to deny any intent (Brown, 2016).
Example: Casually bringing up someone else’s success in a way that leaves you feeling less-than, then acting surprised you took it personally.

5. Charm and Idealization
After conflict — or at the start of a relationship — charm and affection reappear, often genuinely enough that it becomes easy to second-guess whether the hurt was even real.
Example: A wave of thoughtful messages or gifts right after a moment of criticism, leaving you unsure whether to trust what you felt.

6. Blame Shifting
Accountability rarely lands. Circumstances, other people, or you become the reason — anything but her (Ronningstam, 2016).
Example: “If you hadn’t been so sensitive, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Protecting Your Peace

• Document interactions. Texts, emails, and notes keep your memory anchored when gaslighting tries to blur it.
• Set clear boundaries — and hold them. Name what’s unacceptable, and follow through on the consequence.
• Detach emotionally. Her behavior is a reflection of her patterns, not a measure of your worth.
• Care for your body, not just your mind. Manipulation is stressful on the nervous system — movement, rest, and grounding practices matter here as much as insight does.
• Seek support. A therapist, trusted friend, or family member can offer the outside perspective gaslighting tries to erode.

Why Awareness Matters

Deniability is what makes this kind of manipulation so hard to name in the moment. But once you can see the pattern — gaslighting, victim-playing, triangulation, charm cycles, blame-shifting — it gets a lot harder for it to work on you.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, puts it: “Narcissists are masters at making their actions seem harmless. Awareness and boundaries are your best tools.”

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publishing.

Let’s not mince words about sexual gaslighting.

Key points

• Sexual gaslighting is a manipulative attempt to get a person to question their reality around a sexual situation.
• Sexual gaslighting does not allow for informed sexual consent.
• There are many resources available for those who believe they have been the victim of sexual gaslighting.

In a recent article, I discussed the concept of sexual gaslighting. In it, I defined sexual gaslighting as, “the psychological and abusive manipulation of another for the purpose of the other to question their reality around a sexual situation.” To illustrate this, I used the example of a research participant who discussed her partner performing sexual acts on her, acts that she did not consent to, while she was unconscious. Once conscious, the partner claimed she has asked for it, thereby attempting to manipulate her reality. Faking unconsciousness on another occasion proved to her that she was not asking for these sexual behaviors and he was acting against her wishes.

Source: Rodnae Productions/Pexels

To add a deeper reflection into what lies at the heart of sexual gaslighting, we need to start with issues of consent. One cannot sexually consent if they are underage, intoxicated, or unconscious. Furthermore, if one is not properly informed (being supplied with necessary and accurate information) they cannot give informed consent. So, if an individual has not given consent regarding a sexual act prior to engagement and is not conscious—that individual has not given and cannot give sexual consent. If sexual gaslighting is the active and intended manipulation of another, then the other is not accurately informed. Therefore, sexual gaslighting does not allow for informed sexual consent. If the act does not include sexual consent, that act is sexual assault. Sexual assault is defined by RAINN as, “sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim,” and includes forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, unwanted touching or fondling, and rape. The brutal reality of sexual gaslighting is that it is either a precursor to sexual assault or it is an attempt to convince a victim that sexual assault had not occurred. Some perpetrators use sexual gaslighting as a method to navigate around the fact that they committed sexual assault. In the end, all forms of sexual assault, including rape, are about power, as is the manipulation of another to question the reality of a sexual situation.

Sexual gaslighting presents a unique feature in issues of consent and sexual assault. Victim’s psychological trauma is increased beyond that associated with sexual assault. The victim is left to distrust their own reality and their senses. They may become unable to trust others or even their own autonomy. Essentially, they come to distrust their own narrative.

It is essential that the general public and the justice system recognize sexual gaslighting for what it truly is, and act and shape attitudes accordingly. Sexual gaslighting undermines autonomy and violates sexual consent.

If you suspect or believe you are a victim of sexual gaslighting or nonconsensual sexual behavior, there are many resources available to you, including:

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• National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673)
• National Sexual Violence Resource Center (www.nsvrc.org)
• National Center for PTSD (www.ptsd.va.gov)
• Darkness to Light (www.d2l.org)
• Safe Horizon (www.safehorizon.org)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233)
• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network [RAINN] (www.rain.org)
• Or Call 911

About the Author

David W. Wahl, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and sex researcher. His work focuses on issues related to sexual desire and behavior, shaming and stigmatization, sex and gender, sexual violence, sex work, and human trafficking.