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Life stressors can lead to nasty diseases. Here’s how to chill out.

For many of us, stress starts when we wake and ramps up throughout the day. We are steeped in it. For the worst afflicted, it can define their lives. We may no longer have to deal with lions on the savannah, but we have stressors aplenty, and they are unrelenting.

Our mad world is full of stress

Source: Tero Vesalainen/iStock

A short stress sampler:

• Rising healthcare costs are worrisome, especially if we have chronic conditions.
• Tweeting presidents are stressful (even presidential supporters often cringe at his tweets).
• Global climate change makes us wonder if we should even bother to have kids.
• Facebook is depressing (why does it seem that our friends are always having a better time than we are?).
• Environmental toxins slowly chip away at our health.
• Unhealthy fast food makes us sick (the source of much microbial dysfunction).
• Lack of sleep or nasty shift schedules keep us constantly drowsy.

Feel free to add to the list.

Our jobs stress us. The boss is bossy, and we are often asked to work a little extra—like weekends or nights. Predictable nine-to-five workdays are a thing of the past. Instead, we have “flexible” hours, a sweet-sounding euphemism meaning the boss can reach us anytime, any day. We can stand up to our boss, of course, but the last person who did that is still sending out resumes.

The omnipresent cell phone that was supposed to liberate us has become our jailer. With our lives on continuous hold, how can we even plan for future events? We never know when the call will come; it’s not up to us.

That uncertainty, coupled with our powerlessness over it, is a toxic combo. It can make us vulnerable to generalized anxiety disorder, affecting one in 20 people—and growing. There is no release, and it can make us sick.

Humans are fantastic prediction machines.

What our minds can do is truly amazing. We call it “thinking,” but predicting the future is the real secret sauce. When we make a decision, we already have expectations for the consequences. It is such a deep part of our psyche, we don’t even notice it.

When someone tosses us something, we reach out to catch it (or duck) without a thought. Our brain understands gravity and parabolas well enough to predict where any projectile is going—a phenomenal calculation of the future that we undertake with aplomb.

That speedy predictive power is handy in a demanding world that may depend on us to duck, but it also means that we can’t appreciate how central prediction is to our well-being. And so, when it is denied us, we don’t always know why we feel so put out. When our circumstances keep us from making predictions, anxiety starts to cloud our minds.

Homeostasis

A rock doesn’t respond if you kick it. It doesn’t care if you pour acid on it. But insults like that are stressors for living creatures, which have the amazing ability to respond to them by adjusting their biochemistry to stabilize the situation.

If you become acidic, your body quickly adjusts by forcing you to breathe faster, forcing out acidic carbon dioxide. Your kidneys produce bicarbonate to neutralize the acid. This amazing push-back against stressors is called homeostasis, and it is one of the main distinguishing features of life.

The gut-brain axis

Trillions of bacteria live in our gut, and on a good day, they are in homeostatic balance with each other and with us. Remarkably, stress can affect these gut microbes. When we pump out adrenaline and cortisol, we are putting our body on action alert: our muscles power-up, our mind races.

That takes energy away from our guts. The rules of evolution have crafted this reaction for a good reason: First, we run from the lion, only then do we worry about digestion.

Our immune system is also put on hold. We can deal with our flu after we escape the lion. But that combination makes our gut vulnerable to invasion by certain unruly microbes that are always waiting for us to drop our guard. Thus stress may lead to a leaky gut that, in turn, can give us systemic inflammation that contributes to anxiety. This is a positive feedback loop, and it can be overwhelming.

It’s a two-way street

Our gut microbes can also affect our stress levels. Part of that is super reasonable: When we eat poison, either from a bad oyster or a Russian spy, we need to pay attention, and that dials up our anxiety. The anxiety helps us to focus on the problem at hand and to find a toilet, STAT.

The way our gut talks to our mind is sometimes blatant. Big messages are routed quickly. Our mind draws an indelible connection between the poison and our reaction. That is designed to keep us from a repeat experience. Eating another bad oyster is a great way to win a Darwin Award, but not a reliable way to propagate the species.

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However, most of this two-way communication is subtle. When things are out of sort, when our equilibrium is disrupted, our brain and our gut have a low-key powwow. Sometimes that is successful: Anxiety is dampened, and our gut regains its balance.

But when negotiations break down, it can lead to a nasty feedback loop, exacerbating a bad mood and creating a leaky gut and inflammation. That, in turn, can lead to anxiety, depression, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, and more.

The short version

In sum, stress can cause the brain, through a series of pathways, to produce hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These crank up the stress response, which tends to put the digestive system on the back burner. Over time, that may lead to a leaky gut, allowing toxins and bacteria to enter the bloodstream. That may lead to systemic inflammation that can make you sick and further inflames and stresses the brain, creating a vicious cycle.

Homeostasis is a wonder of nature, but it can’t keep tugging us back to normalcy forever. The stress response uses up resources rapidly; it isn’t meant for long-term situations. Our systems start to degrade when they are continually stressed.

Almost all chronic diseases, including heart disease, diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and more, are associated with this degradation and systemic inflammation. It can be frustratingly difficult to break out of this deadly loop.

What to do:

• Find a good psychiatrist. Cognitive-behavioral therapy has shown good results with stress and anxiety. There are also many psychoactive drugs to try, but if you are averse to meds or are having a hard time with side effects, some doctors are beginning to try probiotics and prebiotics.
• Ease off the booze. I know, a glass of something alcoholic really shaves the edges off a stressful day. But if you overindulge, you’ll be sorry in the morning. Manufacturers like to tell you that a glass or two is therapeutic, and that may be true. But too much can make your gut leak, and you know where that leads.
• Concentrate on your breathing. This is a sneaky way to get in touch with your autonomic nervous system to calm it down. This is the idea of mindfulness, to concentrate on something that is happening right now to take your mind off the long-term problems that are complicating your life.
• Eat lots of different kinds of fiber to promote a wide variety of helpful bacteria that can help to heal and nourish your gut lining. That can make up for the lowered immune reaction induced by stress. Mediterranean diets are high in fiber and fish and have been shown to reduce anxiety.
• Getting used to uncertainty is tricky, but you can chip away at it. Quit reading the news. Reassure yourself with the fact that the world has always been on the verge of disaster, but has managed to tick on for many millennia.
• Exercise oxygenates your brain, helping you to cope better with stress. It also improves your gut composition.
• Get a pet. Animals seem able to toughen your immune system, perhaps by introducing you to new, beneficial bacteria. People who live on farms have fewer allergies and anxieties and can cope with stress better than city dwellers. Combine this tip with the previous one and go walk your dog.

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Stress is unlikely to go away, but you have more control than you think. These tips should boost your resilience and keep you from succumbing to life’s unfortunate nastiness. Give them a try!

References

Moloney, Rachel D., Lieve Desbonnet, Gerard Clarke, Timothy G. Dinan, and John F. Cryan. “The Microbiome: Stress, Health and Disease.” Mammalian Genome: Official Journal of the International Mammalian Genome Society 25, no. 1–2 (February 2014): 49–74.

Allen, Jacob M., Lucy J. Mailing, Grace M. Niemiro, Rachel Moore, Marc D. Cook, Bryan A. White, Hannah D. Holscher, and Jeffrey A. Woods. “Exercise Alters Gut Microbiota Composition and Function in Lean and Obese Humans.” Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise 50, no. 4 (2018): 747–57.

Campbell, Sara C., Paul J. Wisniewski, Michael Noji, Lora R. McGuinness, Max M. Häggblom, Stanley A. Lightfoot, Laurie B. Joseph, and Lee J. Kerkhof. “The Effect of Diet and Exercise on Intestinal Integrity and Microbial Diversity in Mice.” PLoS ONE 11, no. 3 (March 8, 2016).

Böbel, Till S., Sascha B. Hackl, Dominik Langgartner, Marc N. Jarczok, Nicolas Rohleder, Graham A. Rook, Christopher A. Lowry, Harald Gündel, Christiane Waller, and Stefan O. Reber. “Less Immune Activation Following Social Stress in Rural vs. Urban Participants Raised with Regular or No Animal Contact, Respectively.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 115, no. 20 (May 15, 2018): 5259–64.

*This article is a guide and not meant to offer mental health care

Being a teenager has always come with big changes. Today’s teens are also dealing with academic pressure, social media, and a nonstop news cycle, all while their brains and bodies are still developing. If you’ve been feeling stressed, low, or overwhelmed, you’re not alone, and there are simple, science-backed things you can do to feel a little steadier.

Why teen mental health matters right now

The numbers show how many young people are struggling. In 2021, 42% of U.S. high school students reported feeling persistently sad or hopeless, and among teen girls that number reached 57%, the highest level in a decade [1]. That same year, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and the Children’s Hospital Association declared a national emergency in child and adolescent mental health [2]. The U.S. Surgeon General issued a public advisory on protecting youth mental health [3].

The teen years are also when many mental health conditions first appear. Research has found that about half of all lifetime mental health conditions begin by age 14 [4]. That’s exactly why building healthy habits now matters. The coping skills you practice as a teen can support you for the rest of your life.

What self-care actually is (and isn’t)

Self-care isn’t about bubble baths or being “positive” all the time. It’s the everyday choices that help your body and mind recover from stress. Sometimes that looks fun, like coloring or dancing to your favorite song. Other times it looks boring, like going to bed on time or drinking a glass of water. Both count.

Self-care also isn’t a replacement for professional help. It works best as a foundation, the daily basics that make hard days a little more manageable.

1. Protect your sleep

Sleep is one of the most powerful mental health tools there is. Sleep experts recommend that teens ages 13 to 18 get 8 to 10 hours per night [5]. Yet most high schoolers regularly fall short. Too little sleep is linked to worse mood, trouble focusing, and higher stress.

Try this: Pick a wind-down time about an hour before bed. Dim the lights, put your phone across the room, and keep your wake-up time roughly the same every day, even on weekends.

2. Move your body in ways you enjoy

Current U.S. guidelines recommend that kids and teens ages 6 to 17 get 60 minutes or more of physical activity each day [6]. Movement is good for your heart and muscles, and it’s also linked to better mood, sleep, and focus. It doesn’t have to be a sport or a workout. Walking with a friend, biking, stretching, or dancing in your room all count.

3. Name your feelings

It sounds almost too simple, but putting feelings into words can help calm your brain’s stress response. In one well-known study, labeling emotions reduced activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain involved in the “alarm” response [7]. Saying “I feel overwhelmed,” or even “I feel nervous and left out,” can make a feeling easier to handle.

Try this: At the end of the day, write down one or two words for how you felt, plus where you noticed the feeling in your body (tight chest, heavy shoulders, knotted stomach).

4. Practice gratitude

Gratitude isn’t about ignoring what’s hard. It’s about training your attention to also notice what’s good. In a classic study, people who regularly wrote down things they were grateful for reported feeling more positive about their lives than those who wrote about hassles [8].

Try this: Write down one small good thing each day. It can be a funny text, a good lunch, or a teacher who noticed your effort.

5. Use your breath when stress spikes

When you’re anxious, your breathing gets fast and shallow. Slowing it down on purpose sends a “you’re safe” signal to your body. Box breathing is an easy technique: breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4, and repeat a few times. Grounding exercises like 5-4-3-2-1 can also help. For that one, you notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste.

6. Be intentional about social media

Social media isn’t all bad. It can help teens find community and support. But how much and how you use it matters. The U.S. Surgeon General’s 2023 advisory on social media and youth mental health noted that teens who spent more than three hours a day on social media faced double the risk of symptoms of depression and anxiety [9][10].

Try this: Notice how you feel after scrolling. Mute or unfollow accounts that leave you feeling worse, and create phone-free zones like meals, homework time, and the hour before bed.

7. Stay connected to your people

Strong relationships are one of the best protections for mental health. Think about who is in your support circle. Include people you can tell anything, people you have fun with, and trusted adults like a parent, relative, teacher, coach, or school counselor. Reaching out isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s one of the bravest and smartest things you can do.

8. Know when to ask for more help

Self-care helps, but some things are too heavy to carry alone. Talk to a trusted adult or a doctor if you notice any of these:

• Sadness, worry, or irritability that lasts for weeks
• Big changes in sleep, eating, or energy
• Pulling away from friends or activities you used to enjoy
• Trouble getting through school or daily life
• Thoughts of hurting yourself

If things ever feel really heavy, help is available right now:

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (free, confidential, 24/7 in the U.S.) [11]
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• Emergency: If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 911

Start small

You don’t have to do everything on this list. Pick one thing, like an earlier bedtime, a two-minute breathing break, or a daily gratitude note, and try it for a week. Small steps add up.

Want a place to practice? Our printable Self-Care Journal for Teens includes mood and habit trackers, breathing and grounding pages, a period tracker, and calming coloring pages. You can find it in the FitnessHacksForLife Ko-fi shop.

References

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2023). Youth Risk Behavior Survey: Data Summary & Trends Report, 2011–2021. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
2. American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, & Children’s Hospital Association. (2021, October 19). AAP-AACAP-CHA Declaration of a National Emergency in Child and Adolescent Mental Health.
3. Office of the U.S. Surgeon General. (2021). Protecting Youth Mental Health: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory.
4. Kessler, R. C., Berglund, P., Demler, O., Jin, R., Merikangas, K. R., & Walters, E. E. (2005). Lifetime prevalence and age-of-onset distributions of DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry, 62(6), 593–602.
5. Paruthi, S., et al. (2016). Recommended amount of sleep for pediatric populations: A consensus statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785–786.
6. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2018). Physical Activity Guidelines for Americans (2nd ed.).
7. Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.
8. Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389.
9. Office of the U.S. Surgeon General. (2023). Social Media and Youth Mental Health: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory.
10. Riehm, K. E., et al. (2019). Associations between time spent using social media and internalizing and externalizing problems among US youth. JAMA Psychiatry, 76(12), 1266–1273.
11. 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. (n.d.). 988lifeline.org.

Anxiety often arrives in ordinary moments: a racing heart before a meeting, a tight chest on the drive home, thoughts that will not slow down at bedtime. The list of things you can try is longer than most people expect. Behavioral therapy, deep breathing, exercise, journaling, and meditation all appear in mainstream guidance for managing anxiety. Relaxation techniques such as yoga, tai chi, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization exercises are recommended too.

The goal is not to find one perfect technique. It is to build a small set of tools you can reach for in different situations, then practice them often enough that they feel familiar instead of foreign.

Why one technique will not fit every situation

Health organizations tend to describe anxiety relief in two broad categories. Some tools lower anxiety in the moment. Others reduce your baseline level of tension when practiced regularly over time. Exercise sits in the first group, because it can lower anxiety in the moment. Meditation, yoga, visualization, and tai chi are typically described as relaxation techniques that ease anxiety as you practice them consistently.

That distinction matters. A breathing exercise will not undo a week of poor sleep, and a nightly journaling habit will not help much when you are spiraling ten minutes before a presentation. Matching the tool to the moment does most of the work.

Guidance from health educators also points toward experimentation. Try several relaxation techniques, notice which ones you actually return to, and then build those into your routine rather than forcing yourself through methods that feel wrong for you.

Fast anxiety relief techniques for hard moments

When anxiety spikes, you usually need something that works in minutes and does not require equipment. These approaches are designed for exactly that.

Grounding and the 5-4-3-2-1 technique

Grounding is described as a good technique for fending off symptoms of anxiety and stress when they feel overwhelming. The idea is to pull your attention away from the spiral and back toward what is actually around you right now. The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique is a short, sensory version of this that appears in clinical relaxation guides as a simple yet powerful tool.

Because the exact sequence can vary between sources, the safest approach is to follow a written walkthrough from a trusted health provider or use a guided version. What matters is the pattern: you deliberately move your attention through different senses one at a time instead of following the anxious thought.

Deep breathing and diaphragmatic breathing

Deep breathing is one of the most widely recommended starting points for anxiety. Diaphragmatic breathing, sometimes described simply as breathing from your belly, shows up repeatedly in self-help guidance. The point is to slow the breath and shift it lower into your body rather than taking shallow breaths high in your chest.

Breathing exercises have a practical advantage: you can do them anywhere. In line at the store, in a parked car, or sitting at your desk, no one around you needs to know you are doing anything at all.

Movement and exercise

Moving your body is one of the few techniques that works both immediately and over the long term. Exercise can lower anxiety in the moment, which makes it useful when you are already activated. It also appears on stress reduction lists alongside taking control, social networks, work-life balance, and staying positive.

You do not need a formal workout. Simple stretches are listed among practical anxiety tools, and a short walk counts as movement. The barrier to entry is deliberately low.

Music and simple distraction

Turning up the music is another technique that health resources recommend, and a calm playlist can be part of a wind-down routine. Music does not require concentration or skill, which makes it useful when your thinking is already scrambled. A playlist you have prepared in advance is easier to use than one you have to build while anxious.

Techniques that build calm over time

The techniques below tend to work best as regular practice. They are less about stopping a spike and more about lowering how often spikes happen and how intense they feel.

Progressive muscle relaxation

Progressive muscle relaxation appears on lists of relaxation techniques for anxiety alongside the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique and deep breathing. It works by deliberately tightening and releasing muscle groups so you can feel the difference between tension and ease. Many people discover they have been holding tension in their shoulders, jaw, or hands without noticing it.

Guided imagery and visualization

Visualization and guided imagery are described as relaxation techniques that can ease anxiety. Guided imagery uses your imagination to walk through a calm, detailed scene, usually with the help of a recording or a script. Visualization overlaps with it and often shows up in anxiety hack lists alongside breathing and stretching.

Journaling, words, and self-compassion

Journaling is consistently listed as a tool for managing anxiety. Related suggestions include using your words out loud and changing your language, both of which nudge you toward describing what you feel instead of being swallowed by it. Being self-compassionate is another recommended practice, and it matters because harsh self-talk tends to feed anxiety rather than quiet it.

Meditation, yoga, and tai chi

Meditation, yoga, and tai chi are frequently grouped together as relaxation practices that ease anxiety with consistent use. They differ in intensity and format, which is useful. Someone who finds sitting meditation difficult may respond well to a gentle yoga sequence or the slow, structured movement of tai chi. Experimenting is expected, not a sign that you are doing it wrong.

Sleep and daily habits

Making sleep a priority is one of the most direct things you can do for anxiety. Sleep debt amplifies everything, and no breathing technique compensates for weeks of short nights. Broader stress reduction habits support this work as well, including exercise, taking control where you can, staying connected to social networks, protecting work-life balance, and maintaining a positive outlook. None of these is a cure on its own, but together they set the conditions for the other techniques to actually work.

Matching the technique to the moment

The table below pairs common techniques with the situations they tend to suit, based on how these tools are described in health guidance.

Technique	What it involves	Where it tends to fit
Grounding and 5-4-3-2-1	Directing attention to your senses	When symptoms feel overwhelming
Deep or diaphragmatic breathing	Slowing the breath and breathing from the belly	Anywhere, including in public
Exercise and stretching	Moving your body	Lowering anxiety in the moment
Music	A calm playlist	Winding down or interrupting rumination
Progressive muscle relaxation	Tensing and releasing muscle groups	Releasing held physical tension
Meditation, yoga, tai chi	Structured relaxation practice	Building calm over time
Journaling	Putting feelings into words	Processing worry and self-talk

Building a routine you can keep

Start smaller than feels impressive. Pick one technique for difficult moments, such as deep breathing or grounding, and one for daily practice, such as a short walk, journaling, or a few minutes of meditation. Practice the daily one when you are calm, because a technique you have never used before is hard to remember mid-panic.

Experiment as you go. Sources recommend trying different relaxation techniques such as yoga, tai chi, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization, then continuing with the ones that help. If something makes you more anxious or feels distressing, set it aside and try another approach.

When self-help is not enough

Self-help techniques have real limits, and noticing those limits is not a failure. Behavioral therapy is one of the first options listed for anxiety, which means talking with a professional is a reasonable next step rather than a last resort. If cost, insurance, or not knowing where to start has held you back, low-cost and free options exist.

Fitness Hacks for Life publishes free mental health workbooks and articles, and its sister site TheraConnect connects people with therapists without long waitlists. The Mental Care Fund, a donation-funded subsidy program, helps cover therapy costs for people who cannot afford them. The site also maintains a crisis resource directory with hotlines. If you are in the United States and in immediate crisis, call or text 988.

Frequently Asked Questions

What can I do to calm anxiety quickly?

Start with something physical and immediate. Grounding techniques are recommended when anxiety and stress symptoms feel overwhelming, and deep breathing, including diaphragmatic breathing, is one of the most widely suggested tools. Exercise can lower anxiety in the moment, and turning up a calm playlist is another low-effort option. Pick one, use it fully, and give it a few minutes before deciding whether it is working.

Does exercise actually help with anxiety?

Yes. Exercise appears in mainstream guidance for anxiety and can lower anxiety in the moment, which makes it useful during a spike as well as over time. Simple stretches count, and you do not need a formal workout. Movement also works alongside other habits such as taking control where you can, staying connected socially, and protecting work-life balance.

What is the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique?

It is a short sensory grounding exercise that appears in relaxation guides for anxiety and is often described as simple yet powerful. Rather than fighting anxious thoughts directly, it directs your attention outward and through your senses, one at a time. Sequences vary slightly between sources, so follow a walkthrough from a trusted health provider or use a guided audio version.

How do I know which relaxation technique is right for me?

Experiment. Health guidance specifically recommends trying different relaxation techniques such as yoga, tai chi, progressive muscle relaxation, and visualization, then continuing with the ones that help. Pay attention to what you actually return to rather than what sounds most impressive. A technique that fits your schedule and personality will get used, and use is what makes it effective.

Should I practice these techniques daily or only during anxious moments?

Both, ideally, but daily practice comes first. Techniques like meditation, yoga, and tai chi ease anxiety with regular use, which means they work better when they are already familiar. Practicing while calm also makes a technique easier to recall during a spike. Keep one fast-acting tool ready for hard moments and one longer practice for steady, ongoing relief.

Anxiety relief is rarely a single breakthrough. It is usually a collection of small, repeatable actions that add up: a slower breath, a walk around the block, a few honest sentences in a notebook, a night of real sleep. Start with the one that feels most manageable today, practice it before you need it, and let the rest of the list wait until you are ready.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse rarely moves in a straight line. There are weeks when everything clicks and weeks when a single sentence in a text message sends you back to the beginning. Books cannot replace therapy, safe relationships, or time, but they can give you language for what happened and a structure for what comes next. That matters when you have spent months or years being told your memory is wrong.

The titles below are the ones that show up most often on therapist-curated reading lists, survivor recommendations, and popular recovery shelves. Rather than ranking them, this guide organizes them by what they actually help with, so you can pick one that fits the stage you are in right now instead of buying nine books and finishing none.

What Recovery Books Can and Cannot Do

A good book can name patterns you recognized but could not describe. It can explain gaslighting, codependency, and complex PTSD in plain language, which is often the first step toward trusting your own perception again. It can also normalize the strange grief that comes with leaving someone who hurt you.

What a book cannot do is witness you. Reading about abuse is not the same as being believed by another person. Many survivors find that books work best as a companion to therapy, a support group, or the free workbooks and articles available through the Fitness Hacks for Life mental health library, where the focus stays on practical tools rather than theory alone.

How to Choose a Title Without Overwhelming Yourself

One book at a time is usually enough. Reading four recovery books in a row can feel productive while quietly keeping you inside the story of the abuse rather than moving toward the life after it. A few guidelines help narrow the field.

• Match the book to your relationship. A book about narcissistic mothers addresses a different wound than one about a narcissistic partner.
• Check whether you want explanation, validation, or action steps. Some titles are heavy on psychology, others are workbook style with exercises.
• Consider format honestly. If fatigue makes long chapters impossible, an audiobook or a workbook with short sections may be more realistic.
• Give yourself permission to stop. If a book leaves you more activated than steady for days, that is information, not failure.

Titles That Appear Again and Again on Recovery Lists

The books below come from therapist recommendations, survivor threads, and reader-curated shelves dedicated to narcissistic abuse recovery. Each one approaches the subject from a slightly different angle.

Title	Author	Primary focus
It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People	Ramani Durvasula	Recognizing narcissistic behavior and healing afterward
Healing from Hidden Abuse	Shannon Thomas	Abuse that is difficult for outsiders to see
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers	Karyl McBride	Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers
Will I Ever Be Free of You?	Karyl McBride	Life with a narcissistic partner
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents	Lindsay Gibson	Family patterns that follow you into adulthood
Should I Stay or Should I Go	Ramani S. Durvasula, Ph.D.	The stay-or-leave decision
Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD (4 Books in 1)	Linda Hill	Workbook and guide covering gaslighting, codependency, and complex PTSD
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: The Complete Guide to Recover From Emotional Abuse, Identify Narcissists, and Overcome Abusive Relationships	Linda Hill	Identifying narcissists and recovering from abusive relationships
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse	Grace Being and Claudia Cauterucci	Personal experience paired with psychological insight

Whole Again also appears frequently on popular narcissistic abuse recovery shelves, and readers who prefer audiobooks often mention it alongside the titles above. Availability shifts between print, ebook, and audio, so it helps to check your library or preferred retailer for the format you can actually use.

Matching the Book to Where You Are Right Now

Where you are in the process should shape what you read, and the same book can be unhelpful at one stage and exactly right at another.

If you are still being gaslit or second-guessing yourself

Start with something that explains the mechanics rather than the recovery. Understanding how abusive thinking works, why abusers deny or reframe events, and why you keep doubting your own memory can be stabilizing before any healing work begins. Recommended reading lists often highlight titles that cover the early warning signs of abuse, the nature of abusive thinking, and common myths about abusers, because those explanations reduce the isolation that gaslighting creates.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic parent

Parent wounds carry different weight than partner wounds, partly because the relationship began before you had any ability to leave it. Titles focused on daughters of narcissistic mothers and on emotionally immature parents speak directly to that history. They tend to address loyalty, guilt, and the strange grief of wanting a parent who was never available, which many general abuse books touch on only briefly.

If you are deciding whether to stay or leave

Books built around the stay-or-leave question are worth reading slowly, with a notebook. They do not make the decision for you, and any book that promises a clean answer is overselling. What they offer is a framework for weighing safety, finances, children, and your own limits so the choice rests on something sturdier than a good week or a bad night.

If you are out and dealing with complex PTSD symptoms

Once safety is more stable, workbook style resources become more useful. The four-in-one guide by Linda Hill covers narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, codependency, and complex PTSD together, which reflects how often those experiences overlap. Exercises in these books tend to focus on grounding, emotional regulation, and rebuilding trust in your own judgment.

Themes Worth Looking For Beyond the Title

Many recommended book lists are organized around themes rather than titles. If you are scanning a shelf or a library catalog, these are the recurring subjects that tend to signal a genuinely useful recovery book.

• The early warning signs of abuse, useful for people worried about repeating a pattern
• The nature of abusive thinking, which explains behavior without excusing it
• Myths about abusers, including the belief that they are always obviously cruel
• Different abusive personality types, which helps when one label does not fit
• Codependency and boundary setting, often the practical work of recovery
• Complex PTSD and trauma responses, including anxiety and hypervigilance

Reading Formats, Workbooks, and Free Tools

Cost and energy are real barriers, and neither makes you less committed to healing. Libraries often carry these titles in print, ebook, and audio. If a full-length book feels like too much, shorter workbooks can be a better entry point, since they ask for a page rather than a chapter. Fitness Hacks for Life offers free mental health workbooks and articles that pair well with longer reading, and TheraConnect exists to match people with affordable therapy rather than putting them on a waiting list.

Reading Alongside Therapy and Support

Books rarely hold up as the only support in recovery. Trauma responses can surface while reading, especially in chapters that describe dynamics close to your own experience. Having a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group to bring that material to makes the reading safer and more useful. If cost or insurance is the obstacle, the Mental Care Fund was created to help cover therapy expenses for people who cannot otherwise afford them, and the site’s crisis resource directory, which includes 988, is there for moments when reading is not enough.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do I need to read every book on a recovery list?

No. Long lists are menus, not checklists. Most people get more from one book they finish and apply than from five they start and abandon. Pick the title that matches your current situation, read it at your own pace, and only add another when the first stops offering something new. Depth beats volume in recovery reading.

Are audiobooks as useful as print for this kind of reading?

They can be, especially during periods when concentration is low. Audio works well for commutes, chores, and moments when sitting still feels impossible. Some people prefer print or ebooks for workbook style titles because writing answers by hand helps the material stick. Format matters less than whether you actually absorb what you are reading.

What should I do if a book leaves me feeling worse?

Pause it and note what triggered the reaction. Some chapters activate memories that need a therapist’s support to process safely. That does not mean the book is wrong or that you are failing at recovery. Set it aside, return to grounding tools, and bring the reaction to someone you trust before deciding whether to continue.

How do I know if I should add therapy to my reading?

If reading leaves you persistently anxious, numb, or flooded with memories, or if you are still in contact with the person who hurt you, professional support helps. Therapy offers something a book cannot, which is a real person responding to your specific situation. Fitness Hacks for Life connects readers to affordable care through TheraConnect and the Mental Care Fund.

You thought you were dating someone who was genuinely interested in you. Then the texts became inconsistent. Plans became vague. They were affectionate one day and distant the next.

Now you’re wondering: “What the F is a fkboi—and am I dating one?”**

You’re not alone.

The term fkboi** is slang, not a psychological diagnosis. It’s commonly used to describe someone who seeks romantic or sexual attention while avoiding honesty, commitment, emotional responsibility, or consistency.

But here’s an important distinction: someone who wants casual dating or sex isn’t automatically a fkboi.** Casual relationships can be completely healthy when everyone is honest about what they want.

The problem is when someone’s words and behavior don’t match—especially when they keep you emotionally invested without offering the relationship they appear to be promising.

What Does F**kboi Mean?

A f**kboi is generally someone who pursues romantic or sexual attention while avoiding the responsibility that comes with a genuine relationship.

They might:

• Give you intense attention at first
• Make big promises
• Send flirty messages
• Disappear for days
• Come back when they want attention or sex
• Avoid defining the relationship
• Keep other romantic options open
• Give you mixed signals
• Make you feel like you’re asking for too much

One behavior alone doesn’t prove anything. Look for the pattern.

10 Signs You’re Dating a F**kboi

1. His Words Don’t Match His Actions

He says he misses you, talks about future plans, and tells you how special you are—but rarely follows through.

When someone’s behavior repeatedly contradicts their promises, pay attention to what they’re doing, not just what they’re saying.

2. He Gives You Just Enough Attention to Keep You Interested

One day you’re getting nonstop texts. Then he disappears.

Just when you’re ready to move on, he sends:

“Hey stranger. Miss you.”

This type of inconsistent attention can leave you constantly wondering where you stand.

3. He Mostly Contacts You Late at Night

If most of his messages arrive when he’s bored, lonely, or looking for sex, consider whether you’re getting a relationship—or simply being contacted when it’s convenient for him.

There’s nothing wrong with casual sex. But if you want commitment, make sure you’re not accepting something completely different because you’re hoping he’ll eventually change.

4. He Acts Like Your Boyfriend Without Being Your Boyfriend

He holds your hand, spends the night, meets your friends, talks about the future, and acts jealous when other people show interest.

But when you ask, “What are we?”, suddenly he doesn’t like labels.

That’s your answer.

5. He Keeps You Confused

Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, but you shouldn’t constantly feel like you’re trying to solve a mystery.

If you’re repeatedly wondering:

Does he like me?

Is he seeing someone else?

Why did he disappear?

What are we?

…it may be time to stop analyzing individual texts and start looking at the overall pattern.

6. He Disappears and Comes Back Like Nothing Happened

You haven’t heard from him for several days.

Then suddenly:

“Hey 😊 What are you doing tonight?”

If disappearing and reappearing is a repeated cycle, don’t ignore it simply because you’re happy to hear from him again.

7. He Avoids Relationship Conversations

You ask what he’s looking for, whether you’re exclusive, or whether he wants a relationship.

Instead of answering, he says you’re overthinking.

Wanting clarity isn’t needy.

It’s reasonable.

8. He Makes Your Needs the Problem

You ask for more consistent communication.

He calls you needy.

You establish a sexual boundary.

He says you’re making things complicated.

You ask for an actual date.

He asks why coming over isn’t enough.

Someone doesn’t have to want the same relationship you want—but they should be able to respect your right to have needs and boundaries.

9. He Wants Relationship Benefits Without Relationship Responsibility

He wants your attention, affection, companionship, sex, emotional support, and availability—but doesn’t want accountability, commitment, or consistency.

That’s an important imbalance to recognize.

10. You Don’t Feel Like Yourself Anymore

This may be the biggest warning sign.

You’re constantly checking your phone, analyzing messages, watching social media, comparing yourself to other people, and wondering what you did wrong.

Dating shouldn’t require you to abandon your peace.

So, Is He a F**kboi?

Instead of obsessing over the label, ask yourself:

Does his behavior match his words?

Does he consistently show up?

Does he respect my boundaries?

Does he communicate honestly?

Am I getting the kind of relationship I actually want?

If the answers are mostly no, you may already have the information you need.

You don’t have to prove someone is a f**kboi before deciding they’re not right for you.

What If He Says He’s “Not Ready”?

Believe him.

If someone says they aren’t ready for a relationship, don’t automatically translate that into:

“He’s not ready yet, but he’ll change if I love him enough.”

Maybe he will change someday.

Maybe he won’t.

But you shouldn’t have to build your emotional life around someone’s potential.

If you want commitment and he doesn’t, that’s a compatibility issue, not a challenge you need to win.

Boundary Scripts You Can Actually Use

You don’t need a dramatic confrontation. Try being direct.

If he only contacts you late at night:

“I’m not looking for a late-night hookup. If you’d like to take me on an actual date, I’m open to that.”

If he keeps disappearing:

“I like you, but inconsistent communication doesn’t work for me. I’m looking for something more consistent.”

If he won’t define the relationship:

“I need to know whether we’re looking for the same kind of relationship. If we’re not, that’s okay, but I need to make decisions based on what you actually want.”

If you’re ready to leave:

“I care about you, but this relationship isn’t giving me what I need. I’m choosing to step away rather than continue hoping things will change.”

The Bigger Question

Maybe the most important question isn’t:

“Is he a fkboi?”**

It’s:

“Do I like who I am when I’m with him?”

You can have chemistry with someone and still be incompatible.

You can miss someone and still walk away.

You can love someone and still decide that their behavior isn’t healthy for you.

And you don’t need to prove they’re a terrible person.

“This doesn’t work for me” is enough.

You deserve honesty, consistency, respect, and a relationship where you don’t have to constantly wonder whether you’re wanted.

Mental-Care Disclaimer

This article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental-health care, therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. “F**kboi” is an informal dating term, not a clinical diagnosis. Dating behaviors alone cannot determine someone’s personality, intentions, or mental-health status.

If a relationship is causing significant distress, anxiety, fear, or confusion, consider talking with a qualified mental-health professional or trusted support person. If you feel unsafe or are experiencing threats, coercion, stalking, or abuse, seek appropriate professional or emergency support.

The covert narcissist’s hooks won’t catch everyone, but they’re likely to entrap co-dependent and empathic personality types almost 100% of the time.  The covert narcissist differs in some ways to their louder counterpart – the overt narcissist, who is easier to spot with their strong sense of entitlement, arrogant nature, disregard for others and lack of empathy.  These folks are loud and proud and have earned their place and title in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).  The covert narcissist is not recognised in the DSM and often presents as the happy-go-lucky sweetie, an altruistic eunuch or the friendly quiet guy who smiles at you every day.  They may appear harmless and unassuming, but they are anything but.  They do all their damage behind closed doors and use emotional manipulation to gain control.  An overt narcissist will stamp on any random stranger who gets in their way (i.e. road rage) but the covert narcissist saves all his or her bad behaviour for their loved one.

Covert Narcissist Say

The covert narcissist may say, ‘Oh you don’t want to listen to me go on but thank you so much for being there for me, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had not been there, ugh I shudder to think, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, you are an angel.”.  This may make the recipient feel overly responsible for the emotional wellbeing and safety of a person they don’t even know very well.  It also moves the relationship from that of a casual acquaintance into something much more significant.

The covert narcissist really comes to life in the bedroom.  Physical intimacy and seduction are their main speciality and they will move in on their target quickly and relentlessly in the early stages of the relationship.  The emotional connection feels very real and the intensity of it makes the connection feel deeper than it actually is.  They promise their new girl/boyfriend a lifetime of support, but when they are called upon to give any, they back away and complain that their partner is too demanding.

Later Stages of the New Relationship

In the later stages of the new relationship, there may be random passive aggressive insults or accusations thrown around that are not based in reality but still prompt the target to defend themselves. The attention and blame then move away from the narcissist and onto the target. This type of gaslighting throws victims of narcissistic abuse off guard and cause them to doubt themselves and start to feel they are somehow indebted to the narcissist.

When the relationship ends or when the target wakes up to see the narcissist for who they really are, they’ll experience a range of emotions and are likely to feel very confused.  Their mind will be pre-occupied with working out where they went wrong, what they can do to ‘fix’ it, or what can they do to get over this person.  In time they will start to experience glimmers of awareness and helpful insights, but for now this person is going to feel emotionally and psychologically drained.  Their self-worth has taken another dive, they’re walking around in a daze and they’re feeling intense loneliness.  To gain an understanding of what happened right under their very nose, they need to work out how they came emotionally enmeshed with a master manipulator in the first place.

Was the Narcissist Genuinely INTERESTED in who I was during our time together?

A narcissist is generally disinterested in anyone other than themselves.  They have no regard whatsoever for what goes on inside another person.  This makes it unlikely that they’ll attempt to find out more about their new boy/girlfriend or existing partner unless this information serves a purpose.  This means they don’t care about anyone else’s opinions, values, thoughts, emotions or what their favourite movie is.  You can tell them about something that has affected you deeply, but it goes right over their head and doesn’t seem to be even acknowledged.  This is because not only is any of what you say of any interest to the narcissist, but they are threatened by someone else’s stuff as it takes the attention off them.  The narcissist continues to minimise or ignore the everyday activities, worries or joys of their ‘loved’ one because they simply don’t care, but also, they are mindful to never reward another person’s ‘stuff’ with their attention.

Narcissist Intend

A narcissist is only interested in learning what they need to know to support the illusion they are genuinely invested in the wellbeing of another person.  If their partner believes this, (or desperately wants to believe it) then the narcissist can get what they want from them.  They have to pretend to be interested in the life of their romantic partner and will be, for the most part, quite convincing if their co-dependent partner is ‘asleep’.  Co-dependents are great people watchers but once they start to wake up, their BS detection skills, along with their powers of observation improve dramatically.  They are able to see patterns within their relationships and begin to realise that the types of people they have been attracting have all been self-serving, one-sided and in-genuine (including friendships).

The narcissist’s ‘lack of interest’ is really a nicer way of describing their underlying contempt – which sums up all they really feel for their romantic partner (as well as most other folks).  Their lack of interest can be detected in a number of ways, the most notable is how they brush over anything their partner has to say.  They may respond to their conversation with total silence, by changing the subject, accusing their partner of being negative, or flattering them in an overt way that has nothing to do with the actual topic of conversation.  These tactics work well to stop them from sharing their every-day concerns, worries, feelings, emotions or personal goals, or whatever is uniquely to do with THEM, and not so much with the narcissist.

Two Circumstances

There are only one or two circumstances whereby the narcissist will verbally express an interest in their partner’s personal stuff.  Fear of losing their partner may prompt them to act and this is when a suspiciously timed, kind and considerate comment or question will be pulled out the bag.  Much to the co-dependent’s surprise, they find out that the narcissist HAD been listening to them during the initial conversation but was in fact saving any acknowledgment of it for emergencies (manipulation purposes) only.  They also show interest in their partner’s ‘stuff’ as they judge and criticise it.  The narcissist will never genuinely support any of their partner’s dreams, aspiration or decisions because all that is about another person and not the narcissist.  If you feel like you’re not being heard – ever – then it’s because the person you’re talking to only hears what they need to hear, which is anything that relates directly to them.

The covert narcissist will appear to be totally infatuated with their new girl/boyfriend, they seem to be in love with the very essence of you, yet all the unique aspects that make a person who they are, i.e., their personal history, what they enjoy doing, their thoughts, feelings and their specific goals, will be rejected by the narcissist when he or she turns their back on any conversation that is not focussed on them or their needs.  The co-dependent notices that this pattern of behaviour doesn’t quite align with how the narcissist has presented themselves, but will often dismiss it by thinking, “Maybe this is just his way of keeping me on track and focussed on what really matters”.  Which is very true.

Tactics to Covert Narcissists to Manipulate

The following tactics are used by covert narcissists to manipulate their targets into believing they’re loved and supported instead of being used for gain.

Flattery and Fantasy

The covert narcissist is an expert flatterer and they love to engage in fantasy talk during the early stages of a would-be romantic connection.  These tactics are also used by the overt narcissist, but not as consistently because the overt narcissist expects flattery to be directed at them, not the other way around.  Flattery is a highly manipulative tool and works well on those who’ve seldom heard a kind word from previous romantic partners or their parents.  To be told you are beautiful, sexy, wonderful, funny and smart, over and over again, is a powerful grooming technique when used on the right person.  But the narcissist’s flattery doesn’t align with their actions or their responses to actual conversations and everyday reality.  Their sweet talk and promises of a wonderful life are an oasis in the desert to the approval and acceptance starved co-dependent but like the oasis, none of it is real.  The covert narcissist also appears to be very in touch with their emotional side, and this can be very appealing to the co-dependent who has only ever known overt narcissists and/or emotionally abusive parent(s).

Flattering comments

Flattering comments are intended to hit the mark and will be carefully customised around what they think the other person needs to hear.  If the co-dependent steps in to help the covert narcissist in some way (as they are likely to do) they’ll be given the “You’re such a good person – truly one in a million, there’s not many people left in the world like you” line, which makes the co-dependent feel accepted, wanted and approved of, and are likely all the things they never felt as a child.  Random golden nuggets of acceptance are delivered into the conversation but are often inappropriately placed and non-specific, i.e. the same complement might be said to a random stranger.  Comments that refer to ‘being together’ in the future cement the deal for the co-dependent and although these suggestions are out-the-blue and inappropriate to the relationship timeline, they don’t seem to notice because they already believe they’ve met the man of their dreams.

Are they living in the Real World?   

The covert narcissist’s thinking is largely fantasy-based, and conversations often revolve around plans for the future or escaping from, or idolising their past.  They will draw their partner into their fantasy world where the present is seldom discussed.  They don’t wish to know what’s happening in the everyday life of their girl/boyfriend and if they are being subjected to any details about it, they’ll play a mini-silent treatment or quickly change the subject to their preferred type of conversation – one that fantasises achieving the near-impossible, such as winning the lottery.  They live their life idealising everything in life they want but don’t have and keep drawing their partners into the delusion.

Poor Me Syndrome

The ‘Poor Me’ tactic works well on the sleeping co-dependent because it activates their deeply embedded people-pleasing programme.  They were likely watching their parent(s) from a very early age instead of climbing trees and are experts at making someone ‘feel better’ because when someone else feels OK, their life gets better by default.

If they see an injured bird, they’re there – running through fire and traffic to help.  An emotionally injured narcissist lets out a distress signal that only the co-dependent hears.  Their wounds are often the result of the unwanted departure of their long-suffering wife or husband.  This causes a huge narcissistic injury and the co-dependent is now racing towards them with their superhero cape flapping behind them.  They are now on hand to mop the brow of this individual who is clearly suffering.  The narcissist is not used to being on the receiving end of suffering as they are the ones who routinely dish it out – this situation is new and totally unfair for them.

Narcissist Laps up all the Loving Concern

The narcissist laps up all the loving concern and advise and starts to demand more and more of it, and all the while, the truth of their situation is withheld or concealed.  Being secretive, withholding information under the guise of it being too painful to discuss, or they are not emotionally ready to disclose it yet, buys them time and more attention.  The co-dependent fills in the gaps to the story but is often way off the mark.  The amount of pain the narcissist expresses makes the co-dependent think that their former partner must have passed away and he can’t yet say the words, ‘my wife has died’.  Whatever is said, not said, lied about or fantasised about, their goal is to secure empathy, support and narcissistic supply.

When the co-dependent finally realises that not all is what it seems to be, they have already been seduced, hooked and weakened.  If they listen to their instincts and their friends, they’ll soon join the real world and see things as they are, and the ‘cruel’ (or presumed dead) ex-wife will be seen more like a victim.

What Happens when you Terminate a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist?

Here a narcissist’s true identity will be revealed, and their target has their suspicions confirmed – they are dealing with a master manipulator who couldn’t care less about them.  Guilt-tripping tactics are used with gay abandon and suddenly the narcissist’s victim is no longer the most amazing person in the world, they are the worst person in the world.    They’ll say, “You were all I had in the world, now I have no-one” – even though you first met only a few weeks ago.  They’ll tell you how devastated they are and will shout and scream, over and over “What did I do?”, dramatically on the street, or in front of neighbours or work colleagues.

Bullshitting

But they are not bullshitting this time, they truly are devastated – they don’t want to be alone, because they can’t be alone.  They engage in some self-bashing in an attempt to get their target to feel sorry for them but will quickly revert to blaming the other person for misleading and not being open or honest (which is really a projection of their own behaviour).  They will ignore the target’s personal boundaries and bombard them with more ‘poor me’ talk, accusations, blaming or whatever works to get their target back in place. They will make this already exhausted person feel responsible for ruining their life and abandoning them.

The guilt-trips are effective in preventing the target from remembering what is real and what is not and distracts them as they try to heal and recover.  Meanwhile, the narcissist won’t be suffering for long, he will already be out fishing for his next victim and he’s very good at what he does.

Repelling or Avoiding the Covert Narcissist

The saying, ‘prevention is better than cure’ comes to mind here.  It is far easier to deflect a highly manipulative person in the early stages of a relationship or friendship than later on down the track.  The post-separation stage will feel like psychological warfare and the victim will become acutely aware of just how low the narcissist will go in their attempts to turn them – the victim, into the bad guy.

The following guidelines are taken from Dr Todd Grande’s (2019) YouTube video – Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits and details the steps we can take to gently untangle ourselves from someone who is getting way too close for comfort.  Most rejections will repel a vulnerable narcissist.

1. Don’t do things for them that they can do themselves.
2. Don’t accept any in-genuine help from them.
3. Encouraging them to make decisions on their own will likely repel them – they want you on board to help.
4. Keep away from, or don’t express interest in a physical relationship – they will typically want to advance this quickly and they are very persuasive.
5. Maintain your boundaries, i.e. let them know what is OK for you, and what is not.
6. Don’t let them do you any favours – this will be used against you and give the narcissist an opportunity to say you owe them.
7. Put them in their place – let them know exactly where they fit into your life. If they try to gaslight you into believing the friendship is more than it is, or that they have known you for a lot longer than they really have – state the reality for them.
8. Be happy for them when they do anything that doesn’t involve you. Encouraging them to do things separately from you will repel them because they want you to need them as they need you.
9. When they try to advance the relationship, i.e. changing the mode of contact to a more intimate one, or suggesting you have lunch in a café together instead at work with other colleagues, say, “I like the way things are now”.

Recovering and Healing

Recovering and healing begins by looking inside ourselves for answers.  What was it about us that attracted such a person in the first place?  Why did we ignore the signs and our own intuition?  Why do we need to pretend all is OK when it isn’t?  Have we been seeing reality for what it is, or only what we want it to be?  Have our previous partners been looking for love or looking for help?

What do we need to address within ourselves, to make the shift towards attracting emotionally healthy, authentic people into our lives?

If this post resonates with you or someone you know, please comment and share!  My goal is to connect with others to bring awareness and choice to those affected by childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse.

Zoe is a Kinesiologist and Natural Health and Wellbeing Practitioner, specialising in the healing from co-dependent relationships.  See www.innerhealthandhealing.net to learn more about how kinesiology can help us recover and heal energetically from toxic relationships and previously held co-dependent patterns, so we can live more meaningful lives.  Follow the BLOG – “A Recovery of Self” for notifications of upcoming posts on recovery and healing from childhood emotional neglect, codependency and narcissistic abuse.

Photo by Heleno-Kaizer on Unsplash

References:

American Psychiatric Association (2013):  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 2013 (5^th edition).  U.S:  American Psychiatric Association.

Grande, T (2019) Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits, YouTube video, viewed September 2019.

Our Posts are Not a Stand in For Professional Mental Care. Find Your Preferred Provider at TheraConnect.net

In our fast-paced world, our nervous systems are often on high alert, constantly scanning for threats or “triggers.” But what if we shifted our focus to the small, positive moments that bring us a sense of peace? These moments, known as glimmers, are the opposite of triggers. They are micro-moments of joy, safety, and wonder that act as a gentle reset for your mind and body. While a trigger can send you into a state of stress, a glimmer can pull you back toward a feeling of calm.

How Glimmers Support Mental Health

Experiencing a glimmer sends positive cues to your nervous system. This might be the warmth of the sun on your skin, the sound of laughter from a loved one, or the taste of your favorite food. These small moments of awe cause a subtle but powerful mood shift, helping to release tension and cultivate feelings of contentment. By intentionally noticing these moments, you train your brain to seek out and appreciate positivity, a practice that can help you feel more resilient and better equipped to handle life’s stressors.

Cultivating a Glimmer Mindset

Embracing glimmers is about shifting your perspective from what is wrong to what is right. It’s a conscious act of focusing on the good, no matter how small it may seem. This practice can help you build a more hopeful and optimistic outlook on life, even during challenging times. As you begin to recognize and appreciate these fleeting moments of happiness, you’ll find they are everywhere—a simple smile from a stranger, a beautiful song on the radio, or a few quiet minutes of peace with a cup of coffee.

By actively seeking out glimmers, you are investing in your mental and emotional well-being. This simple practice has the power to create a ripple effect of positivity, helping you find moments of peace and contentment in every day.

THE BASICS

Key points

• Enhancing appearance isn’t only for attracting partners, but also for retaining them.
• Beauty enhancements can be harmless, buying a new outfit, or dangerous, taking pills with side effects.
• Women who were more jealous were more willing to use costly and risky beauty enhancement strategies.

What would you do for love? Everyone wants to be better looking, more beautiful, and more appealing to potential romantic partners. To accomplish that, we put a lot of effort into enhancing our appearance through the clothes we wear, cosmetics, and trips to the gym.

Improving our looks extends beyond mere vanity and has other benefits for our relationships. Specifically, being better looking gives us an evolutionary advantage in ongoing relationships because it helps us retain our current partner. When we’re more appealing, our partner will find alternatives less appealing.

What would you do to protect your relationship? How far would you be willing to go to make yourself more beautiful?

That’s what researchers wondered. They suspected that individuals with more jealous tendencies would be particularly protective of their relationship and more willing to consider using risky and or costly methods to enhance their appearance.

The Low-Risk and High-Risk Behaviors

To test this, the researchers surveyed 189 undergraduate females aged 17 to 37 years old, all currently in committed relationships.

To assess the jealousy level of participants, questions asked how often they suspected their partner was secretly seeing someone else, if they would be upset if their partner flirted with someone else, and how much they questioned their partner about previous relationships.

The researchers also wanted to determine participants’ interest in enhancing their appearance, including activities with varying degrees of risk. For example, they asked participants about low-risk activities such as how much money they spent on appearance-enhancing goods and services such as skin treatments or products, make-up, clothing, jewelry, and hair styling. They also asked how often women used facial cosmetics.

To assess riskier behaviors, researchers inquired about their openness to cosmetic surgery: “It makes sense to have minor cosmetic surgery rather than spending years feeling bad about the way you look.” “If a simple cosmetic procedure would make me more attractive to others then I would think about trying it.” And, “If I could have a surgical procedure done for free, I would consider trying cosmetic surgery.”

Finally, they asked about potentially high-risk behaviors (for example, a free tanning membership) and obviously risky behaviors (for example, taking a diet pill that had a known link to future heart problems).

What They Found About Jealousy

Overall, more jealous participants sought to elevate their attractiveness through a variety of behaviors. Specifically, women who indicated higher jealousy also reported spending more money on their appearance, greater openness to plastic surgery, greater willingness to use a tanning membership, and greater likelihood to use a dangerous diet pill.

article continues after advertisement

There was no link between jealousy and the intended use of facial cosmetics. The lack of association with cosmetic use is likely because using make-up is a fairly common and low-risk behavior that is highly socially acceptable (even encouraged).

Boosting one’s beauty can help hold onto a current partner amidst perceived threats from rival partners who may threaten the relationship. That sounds noble, romantic even. However, willingness to engage in clearly dangerous behavior is a concern. Why would you willingly take a diet pill that you knew was linked to significant health problems later on? Apparently, part of the answer to that question is jealousy.

But why? Jealousy results from a concern that you will lose someone you care for. In this study, participants may have decided that the present potential reward (keeping their partner) outweighed the future cost of having heart problems. That could be due to the participant’s age. However, ignoring the long-term implications of short-term benefits is a human issue across all ages.

Importantly, these findings don’t say that enhancing your appearance is bad. While romantic jealousy may drive women towards appearance enhancement, wanting to optimize physical attractiveness is common. Yet, there’s a fine line between healthy self-improvement and potentially harmful procedures or drug use. Maintaining a balanced and mindful approach to self-improvement or beauty-enhancing practices is important.

We often wistfully and romantically ask, “What would you do for love?”

Perhaps, a better question is, what shouldn’t you do for love?

Facebook image: Maksym Fesenko/Shutterstock

References

Arnocky, S., MacKinnon, M., Clarke, S., McPherson, G., & Kapitanchuk, E. (2023). Women’s romantic jealousy predicts risky appearance enhancement effort. Evolutionary Psychology, 21(3), 1-11. https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049231185782

Do you often second guess yourself? Are you having trouble making simple decisions?  Do you ask yourself ‘am I just too sensitive’ a dozen times a day?  Do you sometimes feel confused and crazy at work? Do you know there is something is wrong, but you just can’t put your finger on it?  You start lying to your partner to avoid the reality twists?  Do you withhold details of your relationship from friends?  Do you feel that you are not the same self you were when you met your partner?

If you answered YES to one or more of these questions – you may be in a gaslighting relationship. Let’s take a closer look on how to identify the gaslight effect.

In my book The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life, I describe the debilitating impact that dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ can have on you as you move through the stages of gaslighting.  If you are suffering the gaslight effect, you are no longer sure of your reality, you are questioning your sense of self and you have given over your power  in order to preserve the relationship. That’s the bad news. And, tragically, you are in deep psychological pain – sometimes you even feel like your soul hurts. But – there is good news here too: being in an ongoing gaslighting relationship requires your  participation – even unwittingly – and that means that when you can name it  you can begin to gather  your inner strength and outside resources to step out of the dynamic.

I wrote the book because I listened to my patients and my friends, for years, talk about being consumed by a dynamic I called the “gaslight tango”.  I witnessed the most successful of women, come unglued in their most intimate relationships, while at the same time, leading non profits, running companies with confidence and great success.

The people I saw dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ most often in my practice were in romantic  relationships. While both men and women can be gaslighters, the pairing I see most often is the man as gaslighter and the woman, the gaslightee – following a more traditional model of man, the dominant and woman, the submissive.  However, I have worked with many men who are gaslightees, many women who are involved with gaslighting women and both sexes being gaslighted by men or women in the workplace.  No matter the players, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse.

The “powerful” gaslighter communicates with certainty and consistency that he is right and there is something wrong with you or the way you think.  The systematic knocking you down over time, will eat away at your confidence  and cause you to experience a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, you begin to question what you thought you knew to be true. You are second guessing your reality.

Identifying The Stages Of The Gaslight Effect

In the next blogs, I will tell you more about what gasligting looks like in Stage 1:  Disbelief, Stage 2: Defense, Stage 3: Depression.  I will describe the different types of gaslighters the “glamour gaslighter” “good guy gaslighter” “the intimidator gaslighter”.  I will explore – and, present some cases  – about vulnerabilities on both sides and dynamics that keep gaslighter and gaslightee dancing together.

And – importantly, I will give you tips and strategies about how to stop gaslighting, and how to decide to stay or leave a relationship – and, either way, how to reclaim your reality and your joy.

In the meantime – if you are dancing the Gaslight Tango: here are a few quick tips about how to step out of the dance, now that you recognize that’s what is happening :

1. Opt out of power struggles – write down language you can use and practice it (like this: we are saying the same thing, again and again, I just don’t want to continue)
2. Avoid the right-wrong debates – pay attention to how you feel instead
3. Practice sentence stems like “we can agree to disagree” when your perspectives clash
4. Use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you – or, excuse yourself and walk away
5. Write down your dialogue, as verbatim as you recall, and take a look at it at another time – notice when the conversation pivots to gaslighting
6. Talk to a trusted friend for a reality check when you feel uncertain
7. Trust your gut, if something feels wrong, it is wrong for you!

Identify The Gaslight Effect With Robin Stern’s Book

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life will show you how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from —and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship. Learn more about my book on The Gaslight Effect.