Distinguishing what you can and can’t change is key.

Estrangement is most usually accompanied by pushback and fallout.

Smear campaigns often seek to injure the estranged party socially.

The bottom line is to accept the loss.

Source: Photograph by by Katernya Hliznitsova. Copyright free. Unsplash.

Alicia’s decision to estrange from her family of origin had been close to a decade in the making after efforts to limit her parents’ contact with her two boys and set meaningful boundaries. The final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back involved her sons:

“Neither of my kids is particularly athletic but they both enjoy participating in sports; Todd is part of the swim team even though he is usually an alternate and rarely gets to compete. He doesn’t seem to care; his best bud is the captain and he likes the camaraderie. Jim is three years younger and is part of the track team. Same deal. My father is embarrassed by their showing and has taken it upon himself to talk to the coaches which is so not okay. HUGE fight and he did not back off. I made it absolutely clear that his inference was unwelcome and inappropriate and he basically called me a lousy mother for making my kids into ‘losers.’ He has coopted my two brothers and even involved the minister of the church we attend. Which I am now debating leaving.”

Loyalty to Family Narratives

The reality is that experiences in dysfunctional families may differ significantly and that, indeed, your sibling or siblings may have a completely different take on your parent or parents’ behavior; some of this has to do with parental favoritism which is so common that it has its own psychological acronym (PDT or Parental Differential Treatment), good of fit (a parent finds one child easier to parent because of likeness or similar personalities), or the scapegoating of one child as the source of the family’s discord.

While it may feel that your other family members are denying your truth, the bottom line is that their own narrative—and their investment in it—is likely to trump any interest she or he might feel in being your ally. Yes, it feels aggressive but the truth is that it may not have anything at all to do with you but the narrative the person is protecting.

Recognizing Limits (and your own powerlessness)

As someone who did estrange, I recognize that the desire to “win” this situation—to bring people into your fold to validate your actions and thoughts—is a phase each of us is likely to go through. But—there is almost always a “but”—learning to make peace with the loss ultimately is what heals us.

Learning to Make Peace with the Loss

And, yes, the loss is real, even if your family of origin is toxic and hurtful. The loss can take many forms over time; you may think it is over and done with only to have it triggered by a memory or even watching other families interact. Many who estrange are surprised by the range of emotions they feel—from relief to raw anger to complex pain—but these are neither unusual nor anomalous. For more, see here.

In the end, your power to decide your intimate circle is what matters most.

These ideas are drawn from my books Daughter Detox and Verbal Abuse and interviews with readers.

Streep earned undergraduate and graduate degrees in English Literature from the University of Pennsylvania and Columbia University. She was best-known for her work on the mother-daughter relationship, although she frequently wrote on verbal abuse, goal disengagement, narcissism and narcissists, and brain science as well. The author passed away in 2024

Everything is going to fall apart. My child is going to get into an accident. I could never accomplish anything even close to great. I don’t have any special skills. I don’t think that my family will be okay. I probably won’t be able to handle it if something does happen to me or someone I love. No one will like me if they knew what I was really thinking. Last time I spoke my mind, I sounded like an idiot.

Do Any of These Thoughts Sound Familiar?

These thoughts, and many more, play through the minds of anxious people like a song on repeat. These very beliefs reinforce worry, fear, and self-doubt. You might know that these thoughts aren’t helpful to your wellbeing, but still, it feels impossible to stop them.

Instead of trying to stop them, though, I encourage you to take a closer look at your own thoughts and identify the ones that fill your mind with anxiety and worry. Not to judge them or rid yourself of them, just to observe them.

Ask yourself: Are these thoughts facts or merely anxious projections? How can I differentiate between what is a real threat and what is imagined?

When thoughts of worry enter your mind, be aware of the observer within you. This is the real you that dwells beneath the surface of your thoughts. When you observe, you can watch the thoughts that flow through your mind. In those moments of anxiety and worry, if you are able to access yourself, you will have the ability to better distinguish between facts and anxiety driven thoughts.

3 Ways to Shift Your Perspective and Overcome Anxiety

1.     Don’t try to stop your thoughts

I am sure that you have tried countless times, to get your anxious thoughts to stop. Most of us are aware that certain thoughts aren’t so useful to us, like when we think of all the “what ifs” and conjure up a ton of worst-case scenarios. However, what stumbles most people isn’t that they have the thoughts, but that they believe them to be true. Though it is important to remember, in those anxious moments, thoughts derived from anxiety aren’t facts, they are merely the most primitive parts of our brain reacting to a perceived threat. So, instead of trying to stop your thoughts, make-an-effort to recognize their presents and the discomfort you feel around them, knowing that they aren’t speaking the truth.

2.     Stay present

Worry cannot flourish and blossom if you are fully connected with the present moment. Anxiety happens when we dwell in the past or fear future outcomes. Try to bring yourself here now and live moment to moment, without judgment. This will help you to center yourself and not be drifted away by unfounded anxious feelings.

3.     Be proactive

If struggles, difficulties or issues arise in your life and worry comes up in your mind, being proactive can keep you from conjuring up all of the worst-case scenarios. It can also help you to build confidence in yourself to face life’s difficulties. Ask yourself what you are really worried about and if there is something you can do about it. If there is, be proactive and find a way to get through it.

To shift your perspective, watch your thoughts and become aware of any worrisome ideas or feelings that pop up within your consciousness. Remind yourself that those worry-filled thoughts are not facts. Take a moment to accept the anxious thoughts for what they are, find the truth, and bring yourself back to the present moment.

How self-views evolve over the lifespan.

Some types of narcissism are more interpersonally harmful.

Many people age out of narcissism over their lifetime.

In contrast to narcissism, self-esteem often includes prosocial orientation.

Most people know a narcissist—at least in the practical, although not necessarily clinical sense. Usually, this is someone who holds themselves in high esteem and puts themselves first, both personally and professionally, at the expense of others if necessary. Yet, as we age, beauty fades, physical prowess diminishes, and mental acuity declines. Perhaps healthy self-concepts adjust accordingly.

Narcissism impacts not only the individual but also the lives of those around him or her. Although many narcissists are extraverted, flashy, and fun, they also experience relational difficulties, often stemming from some of the same traits that make them popular. If you love a narcissist as a family member, friend, or potential future paramour, research has some positive news for you.

Source: Edward Amezcua / Pixabay

More Than a Number: The Impact of Age

Ulrich Orth et al. (2024) examined the development of narcissism across the lifespan and studied changes over time.¹ They describe three models of narcissism. Agentic narcissism is characterized by assertiveness and leadership but also the need for admiration, as well as feelings of grandiosity and superiority. As we might imagine, they note that agentic narcissism results in fewer interpersonal problems as compared to the other two models. Antagonistic narcissism embodies the disagreeable and antisocial facets of narcissism including qualities such as deceitfulness, callousness, arrogance, exploitativeness, a sense of entitlement, and a low level of empathy. Neurotic narcissism is characterized by hypersensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and propensity to experience shame.

Among other things, Orth et al. note that the three-factor model helps to comprehend the relation between the characteristics of different types of narcissism and self-esteem, described as including subjective evaluation of personal worth. They also note that self-esteem and narcissism are distinguished conceptually because high self-esteem is often linked with prosocial attitudes and does not necessarily indicate personal feelings of superiority.

Examining data from 51 samples, including 37,247 participants, Orth et al. found that narcissism usually decreases from age 8 to 77 years, with small differences due to the type of narcissism experienced. They also discuss the concept of rank-order stability, which encompasses the stability of interindividual differences in a construct across time. They note that the rank-order stability of narcissism is high, even across long time periods, suggesting that narcissism should be considered a personality trait.

Is Generation “Me” a Myth?

In terms of popular ideas about whether narcissism is tied to generational differences, Orth et al. found that birth cohort was not a moderator of mean-level change for narcissism factors. The mean year of birth in their samples ranged from 1923 to 2002, and the narcissism trajectory has not changed over the generations, meaning their results fail to support the popular idea that “Generation Me” (people born in the 1970s to 1990s) express more narcissism than previous decades. Orth et al. note, however, that as with some of their other findings, more research would be beneficial here as well.

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The bottom line is that narcissism, even viewed as a personality trait, can change—for the better. With age comes wisdom, acceptance of less-than-perfect traits, and enhanced appreciation of others. With acceptance, love, support, and respect, narcissistic individuals can turn over a new leaf, slowly but surely.

References

1. Orth, Ulrich, Samantha Krauss, and Mitja D. Back. 2024. “Development of Narcissism across the Life Span: A Meta-Analytic Review of Longitudinal Studies.” Psychological Bulletin 150 (6): 643–665. doi:10.1037/bul0000436.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.

Online: wendy.patrickphd.com, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

Female narcissists can be particularly subtle in their manipulations. Unlike the stereotypical overtly aggressive narcissist, many women with narcissistic traits use charm, feigned vulnerability, and indirect tactics to maintain control. One hallmark of female narcissism is deniability—no matter what they do, they can make it appear innocent, misinterpreted, or someone else’s fault. Recognizing these behaviors is critical for protecting yourself in relationships, friendships, or family dynamics (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

The Deniability Tactic

1. Gaslighting as a Core Strategy

Female narcissists often twist reality to make you question your perceptions. This can include denying conversations happened, minimizing their actions, or reframing your reactions as unreasonable. Gaslighting leaves victims doubting their memory, judgment, and even sanity (Stern, 2018).

Example: She sends hurtful messages but claims she “didn’t mean it that way” or “you’re overreacting.”

2. The Victim Role

A female narcissist may frame herself as the innocent party in conflicts. By playing the victim, she gains sympathy from others while simultaneously shifting blame. Research suggests that narcissistic individuals frequently use victimization to manipulate social perception (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001).

Example: She lashes out during an argument but later says, “I was only upset because you hurt me first.”

3. Indirect Manipulation

Unlike overt aggression, female narcissists often employ subtle tactics like passive-aggression, backhanded compliments, or social exclusion. This keeps her manipulations deniable because she can claim she was “just joking” or “didn’t realize it bothered you.”

Example: Making sarcastic comments about your choices in front of friends, then insisting you’re “too sensitive.”

4. Triangulation

Female narcissists frequently involve third parties to create confusion or competition. By denying direct confrontation and involving others, she maintains control while keeping her actions justifiable. Triangulation often fuels jealousy, insecurity, or divided loyalties (Brown, 2016).

Example: She casually mentions someone else’s achievements to make you feel inadequate while acting like she “didn’t mean anything by it.”

5. Charm and Idealization

In the early stages of a relationship or during reconciliation after conflict, female narcissists often use charm, flattery, and affection to regain influence. Because these gestures are usually genuine on the surface, any misbehavior becomes easier to dismiss or rationalize.

Example: After criticizing or undermining you, she suddenly sends thoughtful messages or gifts, leaving you questioning the validity of your hurt feelings.

6. Blame Shifting

When confronted, female narcissists rarely accept responsibility. She may blame you, circumstances, or even other people. This creates confusion and self-doubt, making it difficult to hold her accountable (Ronningstam, 2016).

Example: “If you hadn’t been so sensitive, I wouldn’t have reacted like that.”

Protecting Yourself

1. Document interactions: Keep texts, emails, or notes of conversations to avoid being gaslighted.
2. Set clear boundaries: Communicate what behavior is unacceptable and stick to consequences.
3. Detach emotionally: Recognize that her actions reflect her personality, not your worth.
4. Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist to maintain perspective and validation.

Why Awareness Matters?

Recognizing the subtle tactics of a female narcissist is key to protecting your mental health. Deniability makes manipulation harder to detect, but understanding these patterns—gaslighting, victim-playing, triangulation, charm, and blame-shifting—helps you reclaim control and emotional clarity.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, notes: “Narcissists are masters at making their actions seem harmless. Awareness and boundaries are your best tools.”

References

• Brown, N. W. (2016). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. The Self, 115–138.
• Morf, C. C., & Rhodewalt, F. (2001). Unraveling the paradoxes of narcissism: A dynamic self-regulatory processing model. Psychological Inquiry, 12(4), 177-196.
• Ronningstam, E. (2016). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders, 7(3), 203–210.
• Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.

Toxic communication behaviors can take a serious toll on your mental health, especially when they occur in personal relationships. Two of the most damaging tactics are gaslighting and stonewalling. Both are frequently used by narcissistic or controlling individuals to manipulate, dominate, or isolate their partners, family members, or colleagues. Recognizing these behaviors early is essential to protect your emotional well-being and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember these people do not have a moral compass !

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your own perceptions, memory, or reality (Stern, 2018). The goal is to create confusion, insecurity, and dependency, often leaving the victim questioning their own judgment.

Common Gaslighting Tactics:

• Denying things they said or did, even when you remember them clearly.
• Twisting your words to make you feel unreasonable or overly sensitive.
• Minimizing your feelings, saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s all in your head.”

Gaslighting can happen gradually over time, making it difficult to recognize. It often leaves victims feeling anxious, frustrated, and questioning their own sense of reality.

What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is another toxic behavior where someone refuses to communicate or engage, often during conflict. It’s a form of emotional withdrawal used to assert control or avoid accountability (Gottman, 1994).

Signs of Stonewalling:

• Ignoring texts, calls, or requests to talk.
• Giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment after disagreements.
• Walking away during conversations and refusing to revisit them.

Stonewalling often amplifies the effects of gaslighting. When someone denies reality and simultaneously refuses to engage in discussion, it can make the victim feel helpless, isolated, and frustrated.

How Gaslighting and Stonewalling Work Together

These two behaviors often appear together in toxic relationships. Gaslighting undermines your confidence and sense of reality, while stonewalling prevents resolution or discussion. The combination keeps the victim emotionally off-balance and dependent on the manipulator for validation.

Example:
A partner constantly accuses you of being “too sensitive” (gaslighting), and when you try to respond, they stop replying or walk away (stonewalling). Over time, you may start doubting your feelings and struggle to confront the issues effectively.

Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting and Stonewalling

1. Document Interactions
   Keep a record of conversations, texts, or emails. Written proof can help you validate your experience when memory is challenged or reality is distorted.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
   Communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and enforce consequences consistently. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your emotional safety.
3. Detach Emotionally
   Recognize that the manipulator’s behavior reflects their personality, not your worth. Adopting an observer mindset can prevent you from internalizing blame.
4. Seek Support
   Talking with trusted friends, family, or a therapist can help validate your experience, provide perspective, and reduce feelings of isolation.
5. Practice Self-Care
   Engage in activities that restore your energy and confidence, such as journaling, exercise, mindfulness, or hobbies. Research shows that mindfulness improves emotional regulation and resilience in stressful relationships (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).

Recognizing the Patterns Early

The key to minimizing damage is early recognition. Gaslighting often starts subtly, and stonewalling can feel like occasional conflict avoidance at first. Pay attention to patterns: repeated denial of reality, emotional withdrawal, and manipulation tactics are warning signs of toxic behavior.

Conclusion

Gaslighting and stonewalling are powerful tools of emotional manipulation. They can leave victims questioning themselves, feeling powerless, and dependent on the manipulator for validation. By recognizing these behaviors, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, you can protect your mental health and maintain clarity in your relationships.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, notes: “Recognizing manipulation is the first step toward reclaiming your power and protecting your emotional well-being.”

Your mental health matters. Awareness, boundaries, and support are your best defenses against toxic communication.

References

• Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last.
• Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056.
• Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.

Dealing with a narcissistic or toxic family member can be one of the most emotionally draining experiences a person faces. Unlike a coworker or acquaintance, you can’t simply cut ties easily when the individual is your parent, sibling, or close relative. Narcissistic family dynamics are often marked by manipulation, gaslighting, boundary violations, and cycles of love and rejection. Learning how to recognize these behaviors and protect your mental health is essential. Research shows that narcissistic traits are strongly linked to self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control-seeking behaviors (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

Recognizing Narcissistic Family Dynamics

1. Constant Criticism or Control
   A narcissistic family member often undermines your confidence, offering harsh criticism under the guise of “helping.” They may also attempt to control your choices, from career to relationships.
2. Gaslighting and Denial
   Gaslighting—making you question your memory, perceptions, or feelings—is a hallmark of narcissistic behavior (Stern, 2018). A toxic relative might deny things they said or twist events to make you feel unstable.
3. Favoritism and Triangulation
   Narcissists may create competition among siblings or relatives, using favoritism and comparison to stir jealousy and maintain control (Brown, 2016).
4. Emotional Rollercoasters
   You may feel loved and appreciated one moment, then rejected or ignored the next. This inconsistency keeps you emotionally hooked, always seeking approval.

Why It’s Harder With Family?

Family ties make boundaries more complicated. Many people feel guilt or obligation to maintain relationships, even when they are unhealthy. Research on family systems shows that toxic dynamics can shape self-esteem and identity well into adulthood (Bowen, 1978). Breaking free from these patterns requires both mindfulness and intentional boundary setting.

Strategies for Protecting Your Mental Health

1. Set and Enforce Boundaries

Boundaries are not punishments—they’re protections. Communicate clearly:

• “I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
• “If you raise your voice, I’m leaving the conversation.”

Even if the narcissist ignores or pushes back against your limits, consistently holding your ground reinforces your self-respect.

2. Use the Grey Rock Technique

This strategy involves becoming emotionally unreactive. Instead of defending yourself or arguing, keep responses brief and neutral. By refusing to feed into their manipulation, you minimize their control (Stosny, 2013).

3. Detach Emotionally

Recognize that their behavior says more about them than about you. Adopting an observer mindset—where you notice patterns without internalizing blame—helps protect your emotional energy (Ronningstam, 2016).

4. Limit Contact (If Possible)

If interactions are consistently damaging, consider reducing the time you spend with them. In extreme cases, “low contact” or “no contact” may be necessary for healing.

5. Prioritize Self-Care

Counterbalance the negativity by investing in self-care practices: meditation, journaling, therapy, or time with supportive friends. Research shows that mindfulness improves resilience and emotional regulation in stressful relationships (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).

6. Seek Support

Talking with a therapist or joining a support group can help you validate your experiences and develop coping strategies. A neutral, professional perspective can also reduce feelings of guilt or obligation.

When Guilt Gets in the Way?

One of the hardest aspects of dealing with a toxic family member is guilt. Narcissistic relatives often weaponize family loyalty to keep you tied to unhealthy dynamics. Remember: protecting your mental health is not selfish—it’s necessary.

A useful affirmation is: “I can love my family while also loving myself enough to create boundaries.”

Conclusion

Dealing with a narcissist or toxic family member is challenging, but not impossible. By recognizing the signs of manipulation, setting firm boundaries, and practicing self-care, you can protect your well-being. Family ties do not require you to sacrifice your mental health. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in narcissism, often reminds her clients: “Radical acceptance of who they are sets you free to live your life.”

Protecting yourself does not mean you don’t care about your family—it means you also care about your own peace, healing, and future.

References

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).
• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.
• Brown, N. W. (2016). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. The Self, 115–138.
• Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056.
• Ronningstam, E. (2016). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders, 7(3), 203–210.
• Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
• Stosny, S. (2013). Living and Loving After Betrayal.