Thriving relationships aren’t built on stereotypes, but on understanding.

Guys are logical, girls are emotional.

Guys need their space, girls need to be close.

These are clear-cut obvious differences, deeply rooted in biology, right? Not so fast.

We can blame John Gray author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus a little bit. Obviously, it’s not entirely his fault, but back in the 1900’s he said things like, “Men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women communicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment.”

And wow, those ideas were sticky. Thinking men and women are so different that they could metaphorically be from different planets seems relatively harmless, and even kinda silly. Except that a Men vs. Women mentality starts shaping how you think, feel, perceive, respond, and love toward someone of the opposite sex. When you’re in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex you can run into big issues.

The reality is, our thoughts about men and women are often wrong.

Men and Women are Different in Their Romantic Beliefs

“I love you.”

Who is more likely to say that first in a relationship, men or women? This feels like an easy question. Research participants thought so too (Harrison & Shortall, 2011). Nearly 9 out of 10 (87.78%) answered thinking women fell in love more easily, while 3 out of 4 (75.20%) believed women were the first to proclaim their love. Those are big numbers. It’s tough to get that many people to agree about anything. Then again, it feels obvious.

But were all of those people right?

The researchers tested to see if they were correct by asking lots of people how quickly they fell in love and whether they were first to say “I love you.” Let the myth-busting begin. The reality was that men fell in love quicker (and by a large margin), and were also more likely to say “I love you” first (64% of the time).

A separate study also found that men were more likely to believe that love conquers all, and that being in love is all that it takes to have a good relationship (Sprecher & Metts, 1989). Women? Nope, they were realists, as well as much more pragmatic and practical. Love is great, but women tend to have questions like: Does he do drugs? Does he have a job? Does he have a good personality? To me, women’s approach sounds awfully rational and logical. Men’s “love conquers all” mentality sounds emotional. Yet, prevailing “wisdom” is that it’s the other way around.

Men and Women are Different, But It Often Doesn’t Matter

I’m sure you can think of areas where there are clear and obvious differences between men and women. You’re not wrong. Those exist. When you compare men and women on things like height, weight, arm size, shoulder span, and overall body shape, the differences are unmistakable. Similarly, research finds big differences for how people spend their free time (Carothers & Reis, 2013). Men prefer activities such as playing video games, golf, and boxing, while women prefer scrapbooking, watching talk shows, and cosmetics (e.g., hair styling, makeup etc.). Of course, none of these differences meaningfully impact relationship quality.

Know what does impact relationships? Psychological variables like personality. The seminal meta-analysis (a statistical technique that combines findings from lots of individual studies) on gender differences found support for the gender similarities hypotheses, or essentially that “…males and females are alike on most—but not all—psychological variables” (Hyde, 2005). A separate review found more of the same: little or no gender differences in areas such as math and verbal skills, self-esteem, conscientiousness, leadership effectiveness, relational aggression, and attitudes about extramarital sex (Hyde, 2014).

If you thought meta-analyses were impressive (and you should), a meta-synthesis combines groups of meta-analyses. Very meta-meta. A meta-synthesis of 100 meta-analyses examining 400 possible gender differences found that 85% of gender difference effects were small or very small (Zell et al., 2015). Welcome to Earth everyone.

One clarification. Yes, when they say “small” or “very small” differences, those are still real differences. However, just because a difference is real and didn’t happen by chance, it doesn’t tell us if the difference is big enough to be meaningful in everyday life. That is, two things can be different, yet the difference isn’t very big at all. Vanilla and French Vanilla ice cream are different, but are they hugely or meaningfully different? Not really. So if a study finds women average 6.88 out of 7 on verbal ability, but men score 6.25, they’re technically different. Will you be able to detect differences that small in a conversation? Highly unlikely.

I could keep going and share even more evidence of gender similarity (trust me, there’s LOTS), but I’ll stop there. The bigger issue is how these beliefs shape your relationships and undermine intimacy.

Why Your Gender Beliefs Destroy Intimacy

First the facts. When researchers analyzed over 13,000 people across 100+ traits that impact relationships, they concluded that “it is untrue that men and women think about their relationships in qualitatively different ways” (Carothers & Reis, 2013).

Men and women are similar. That’s great news, but almost no one believes it.

Instead people insist on the mythical notion of huge gender differences. It’s not a harmless belief and it creates 3 key issues that corrode connection.

1) The Tyranny of Low Expectations

Imagine two common beliefs: “Women are overly sensitive.” “Men are awful communicators.” (Gendered beliefs are rarely flattering.)

These types of beliefs create a tyranny of low expectations. Sounds menacing, and it is.

Here’s how it works:

1. You expect negative gender-related behaviors and undesirable qualities.
2. You expect your partner to do those things.
3. When they do, you’re not surprised. It’s expected and “just how it is.”
4. You tolerate because what choice do you have?
5. Ultimately you get stuck tolerating relationship behaviors that are far from ideal.

The tyranny of low expectations is the equivalent of giving our partner a bad reputation to live down to. When you have a bad starting point for what you anticipate from your partner, what are the chances that your relationship reaches its fullest potential? Low. Just like your expectations.

When you expect worst, you get the worst.

2) You’re Stuck: The “All Men” and “All Women” Problem

Too much faith in inescapable differences also encourages complacency.

Really, it’s an excuse. When you think all men and women are the same, there’s only so much you can be responsible for your own behavior. “It’s not me, I’m just a dude. This is how we are.” This type of “boys will be boys” and “she’s such a girl” mentality discourages everyone from being their best self.

To be fair, you probably not doing any of this intentionally. But after decades of socialization, you can’t help but learn a thing or two about how men and women are in relationships. Maybe guys really are always emotionally unavailable, and women are always clingy and dramatic.

Because it’s about gender, any trait feels like a fundamental quality that’s baked in. The result is that change feels nearly impossible. Not only can your individual partner not change, but all men and women feel the exact same. So why bother switching partners? You’re stuck.

3) Differences Create Distance

If there were a golden rule for attraction it would be that we like other people who are similar to us. We enjoy spending time with people who are just like us in terms of their traits, values, how they see the world, hobbies, interests, etc.. Just look at your best friend. You’re a lot alike, and that’s not an accident.

Shared values and interests make spending time together more enjoyable. If we both like going to beach, we can both enjoy it…certainly a lot more than if one of us hates it.

Believing your partner is fundamentally different creates distance between you. They’re harder to get close to and less enjoyable to spend time with.

If you look for differences you’ll find them.

But if you look for similarities, you’ll find those too.

There’s gender similarities and gender differences. Both exist. So why not focus on what you have in common? Instead of being adversaries, you’re teammates. Trade in your archrival for an ally.

What’s the Better Way to Think about Gender Differences?

I’m a social psychologist which means I like to think about the broader social context and how the situation shapes our thoughts and behaviors (e.g., you don’t act the same when you’re with your friends as you do when you’re with your parents).

Women tend to be pickier when selecting a partner (Todd et al., 2007). But is that because that’s just how women are, or is it the situation?

The problem is that the traditional dating situation has very clear power dynamics. In fact, it’s one of the few instances where women have all the power. Men must take the initiative to approach women. In this context, men must work up the courage to introduce themselves and risk rejection. Women simply need to choose: accept or reject. When you have the power, you’re going to make sure you get what’s best for you, so women are often more selective. When you don’t have power, you need to take what the powerful are willing to give. That’s why men are generally less picky.

Curious about this dynamic, researchers wanted to flip the dating script (Finkel & Eastwick, 2009). They tested what I call the “Sadie Hawkins Effect,” or what happens when women need to be the relationship initiator.

Using data from over 300 people at a speed-dating event where participants have a series of quick meet and greets with potential partners. Half of the time, the male participants circulated as women stayed seated (i.e., the standard dating script). The other half of the time, men stayed in one place while women circulated around the room, Sadie Hawkins-style.

The results showed that participants who circulated around the room and made the approach were less picky, regardless of gender. People aren’t out there robotically acting based on whether they’re a guy or a girl. Instead, it varies based on the situation.

This gives us something absolutely crucial: hope. Change is possible. Gender isn’t destiny.

Using purely gender-based explanations locks in our partner’s behaviors because them being a male or female is unlikely to change. Consequently, if we think guys aren’t very thoughtful, assuming our male partner will always be a guy, there is very little hope for improvement. However, if we instead focus on his thoughtfulness as a purely psychological variable, all of a sudden there is path for improvement. Anyone can become more thoughtful with a bit of effort and practice. Those improvements will help relationships. Changing stereotypical beliefs about gender will help too (Lucier et al., 2012).

Conclusion

When we let go of the myth that men and women are from different planets, we make space for something better: true partnership. The reality is that we’re far more alike than we’ve been led to believe, and that similarity is a powerful foundation for love. The truth is, thriving relationships aren’t built on stereotypes, but on understanding, effort, and common ground.

Professor of Psychology at Monmouth University

A man sits on the couch, watching TV. His partner, a woman, prepares dinner, while mentally ticking off her to-do list. That includes returning her partner’s shirts she’d ordered online for him last week, and booking a GP appointment for their youngest child.

He walks in and asks her “what’s for dinner?”, then goes back to the TV.

Later that night, he’s surprised she’s not interested in sex.

The people in this scenario are a woman and a man. But it could be a woman and her child. The dynamics are very similar – one person providing instrumental and emotional care, and the other receiving that care while showing little acknowledgement, gratitude or reciprocation.

You’re reading about a man who depends on his partner for everyday tasks that he is actually capable of. Some people call this the “man-child” phenomenon.

Maybe you’ve lived it. Our research shows it’s real.

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Read more: Sorry, men, there’s no such thing as ‘dirt blindness’ – you just need to do more housework

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The Man-child is Real

The man-child phenomenon (or perceiving a partner as dependent, as we call it) describes the blurring of roles between a partner and a child.

You may hear women describe their male partners as their “dependent” or one of their children.

When a partner starts to feel like they have a dependent child, it’s not surprising if that affects a woman’s sexual desire for him.

We set out to explore whether this might explain why many women partnered with men report low sexual desire.

Surprisingly, until our study, there were no studies that had tried to directly measure the impact of the man-child phenomenon on women’s sexual desire.

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Read more: Don’t blame women for low libido. Sexual sparks fly when partners do their share of chores – including calling the plumber

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What We Did?

We conducted two studies with more than 1,000 women from around the world, in relationships with men. All our participants had children under the age of 12.

We asked the women to rate their agreement with statements like, “Sometimes I feel as though my partner is like an extra child I need to look after.” We also asked them about the division of household labour in their relationship, and their level of sexual desire for their partner.

We found consistent evidence that:

• when women performed more household labour than their partner, they were more likely to perceive their partner as dependents (that is, the man-child phenomenon)
• perceiving a partner as a dependent was associated with lower sexual desire for that partner.

When taken together, you could say women’s partners were taking on an unsexy role – that of a child.

There could be other explanations. For instance, women who perceive their partners as dependents may be more likely to do more around the house. Alternatively, low desire for a partner may lead to the partner being perceived as a dependent. So we need more research to confirm.

Our research highlights a pretty bleak snapshot of what people’s relationships can involve. And while the man-child phenomenon may not exist for you, it reflects broader gendered inequities in relationships.

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Read more: Yet again, the census shows women are doing more housework. Now is the time to invest in interventions

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Is There a Man-child Equivalent in Same-sex Relationships?

Our research was solely about relationships between women and men, with children. But it would be interesting to explore if the man-child phenomenon exists in same-sex or gender-diverse relationships, and what the impact might be on sexual desire.

One possibility is that, in relationships between two women, men, or non-binary people, household labour is more equitably negotiated. As a result, the mother-child dynamic may be less likely to emerge. But no-one has studied that yet.

Another possibility is that one person in the relationship (regardless of gender identity) takes on a more feminine role. This may include more of the mothering, nurturing labour than their partner(s). If that was the case, we might see the man-child phenomenon in a broader range of relationships. Again, no-one has studied this.

Perhaps, anyone could be the “man-child” in their relationship.

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Read more: Women aren’t better multitaskers than men – they’re just doing more work

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What Else Don’t We Know?

Such future research may help explore different types of relationship dynamics more broadly.

This may help us understand what sexual desire might look like in relationships where roles are equitably negotiated, chosen, and renegotiated as needed.

We might learn what happens when household labour is valued like paid labour. Or what happens when both partners support each other and can count on each other for daily and life needs.

Women might be less likely to experience their partners as dependents and feel more sexual desire for them. In other words, the closer we are to equity in actively caring for each other, the closer we might be to equity in the capacity for feeling sexual desire with our partner.

We thank Aki Gormezano, who was a coauthor on the paper discussed in this article.

Emily Harris

I am interested in how our beliefs about gender can shape our intimate, sexual experiences. People learn a lot about how they are expected to move through the world based on gender. If you are a woman, you are expected to be warm and caring. If you are a man, you are expected to be confident and strong. How might these expectations influence people’s sex lives?

Canada 150 Research Chair in Social Neuroendocrinology, Sexuality, & Gender/Sex, Queen’s University, Ontario

Dr Sari Avens

Your Complete Checklist for Leaving an Unsafe Situation

Important: If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (24/7, confidential)

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Why You Need a Go-Bag

A go-bag (also called an escape bag or emergency bag) is a pre-packed bag with essential items you’ll need if you must leave your home quickly. This is crucial for anyone in an unsafe relationship, domestic violence situation, or who needs to be prepared for emergency departure.

Keep your bag:

• Hidden in a safe location (at a trusted friend’s house, in your car trunk, at work)
• Easy to grab quickly
• Updated regularly (check every 3 months)

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🆔 Critical Documents (Copies or Originals)

Personal Identification

• ✅ Driver’s license or state ID
• ✅ Social Security card(s) – yours and children’s
• ✅ Birth certificate(s) – yours and children’s
• ✅ Passport(s) if applicable
• ✅ Immigration papers/Green card/Work permit
• ✅ Marriage certificate
• ✅ Divorce papers or custody agreements

Financial Documents

• ✅ Bank account information (account numbers, routing numbers)
• ✅ Credit card information
• ✅ Recent bank statements
• ✅ Tax returns (last 2 years)
• ✅ Pay stubs
• ✅ Deed/lease to home or apartment
• ✅ Car title and registration
• ✅ Insurance policies (health, auto, home, life)

Legal Documents

• ✅ Protection/restraining order (if you have one)
• ✅ Custody documents
• ✅ Power of attorney documents
• ✅ Will or estate planning documents
• ✅ Any police reports or incident numbers

Medical Records

• ✅ Medical records for you and children
• ✅ Prescription information and medication lists
• ✅ Health insurance cards
• ✅ Immunization records for children
• ✅ List of current medications and dosages
• ✅ Doctors’ contact information

Pro Tip: Keep documents in a waterproof, sealed plastic bag or document holder. Make copies and store originals in a safety deposit box if possible.

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💰 Money and Financial Items

• ✅ Cash – At least $200-500 in small bills (save gradually if needed)
• ✅ Debit/credit cards in your name only
• ✅ Checkbook if you have a separate account
• ✅ List of financial accounts with account numbers
• ✅ Spare car key and house key
• ✅ Prepaid phone card or burner phone

Safety Note: If possible, open a bank account your abuser doesn’t know about. Have statements sent to a trusted friend’s address.

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📱 Communication Items

• ✅ Cell phone and charger (keep an old phone charged as backup)
• ✅ Portable battery pack/power bank (fully charged)
• ✅ List of important phone numbers written down (don’t rely only on phone contacts)
  • Domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-7233
  • Local police non-emergency number
  • Trusted friends/family
  • Attorney
  • Domestic violence shelter
  • Children’s school
  • Your workplace

Safety Tip: Be aware that phones can be tracked. Consider getting a prepaid phone your abuser doesn’t know about.

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👕 Clothing and Personal Items

For You:

• ✅ 3-4 days of clothing (prioritize comfort and practicality)
• ✅ Underwear and socks (1 week’s worth)
• ✅ Comfortable shoes (sneakers/walking shoes)
• ✅ Jacket or warm coat
• ✅ Sleepwear
• ✅ Basic toiletries (travel-sized):
  • Toothbrush and toothpaste
  • Soap/body wash
  • Shampoo and conditioner
  • Deodorant
  • Feminine hygiene products
  • Any essential skincare items
  • Glasses/contacts and solution
  • Prescription medications (at least 1 week supply)

For Children:

• ✅ 3-4 days of clothing in current sizes
• ✅ Diapers/wipes if needed
• ✅ Formula/baby food if needed
• ✅ Comfort items (small toy, blanket, stuffed animal)
• ✅ Children’s medications
• ✅ Age-appropriate snacks

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💊 Medications and Health Items

• ✅ All prescription medications (1-2 week supply minimum)
• ✅ Over-the-counter medications:
  • Pain reliever (ibuprofen, acetaminophen)
  • Allergy medication if needed
  • Stomach remedies
  • First aid supplies (bandages, antibiotic ointment)
• ✅ Medical devices (inhalers, EpiPens, glucose monitors, etc.)
• ✅ Copies of prescriptions with pharmacy information

Important: Refill prescriptions early if possible so you have backup supplies.

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📝 Information and Contact Lists

Written Lists (Don’t Rely on Phone Memory):

• ✅ Emergency contacts with full names, addresses, and phone numbers
• ✅ Domestic violence resources in your area
• ✅ Attorney contact information
• ✅ Children’s school contacts
• ✅ Medical providers and pharmacies
• ✅ Account numbers for utilities, credit cards, banks
• ✅ Social media passwords (write them down in case you need to deactivate)
• ✅ Evidence of abuse (if safe to keep):
  • Photos of injuries (with dates)
  • Threatening messages/emails (printed)
  • Police report numbers
  • Witness names and contact info

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🎒 Practical Items

• ✅ Sturdy bag (backpack or duffel that’s easy to carry)
• ✅ Flashlight with extra batteries
• ✅ Plastic bags (gallon-sized, for organization and waterproofing)
• ✅ Small notebook and pen
• ✅ Bottle of water
• ✅ Non-perishable snacks (granola bars, crackers)
• ✅ Basic hygiene items (hand sanitizer, tissues, wet wipes)
• ✅ Small first aid kit
• ✅ Matches or lighter in waterproof container

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🧸 Sentimental Items (If Space Allows)

Only include these if they’re irreplaceable and you have room:

• ✅ Small photo album or important photos
• ✅ Jewelry with sentimental value
• ✅ Small keepsakes
• ✅ Children’s comfort items

Important: Don’t let sentimental items prevent you from leaving if necessary. Your safety is more important than possessions.

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📋 Packing Tips and Safety Considerations

Where to Hide Your Go-Bag:

1. Trusted friend or family member’s house (best option)
2. Your workplace (in a locked drawer or locker)
3. Your car trunk (if you have sole access to the vehicle)
4. Safety deposit box (for documents only)
5. Neighbor’s house (if they’re trustworthy and understand the situation)

Never hide it: In your home if your abuser might find it.

Packing Strategy:

• Use a neutral, inconspicuous bag – not a fancy suitcase that will be noticed missing
• Pack travel-sized items when possible to save space
• Use plastic bags to organize categories and keep items dry
• Label nothing – don’t put your name on the bag
• Check and update every 3 months (especially medications and children’s clothing sizes)

Digital Considerations:

• Take photos of important documents and email them to a secure email account your abuser doesn’t know about
• Use cloud storage (Google Drive, Dropbox) with a password your abuser doesn’t know
• Consider a USB drive with scanned documents as backup
• Clear your browser history after researching domestic violence resources

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🚨 Additional Safety Planning

Before You Leave:

• ✅ Memorize important phone numbers (domestic violence hotline, trusted contacts)
• ✅ Know where you’re going (shelter, friend’s house, hotel)
• ✅ Plan your route and have a backup route
• ✅ Have a signal/code word with trusted friends that means “I need help”
• ✅ Keep your phone charged and bring portable charger
• ✅ Consider getting a protection/restraining order first (with legal help)

When You Leave:

• ✅ Leave when your abuser is not home if possible
• ✅ Bring your go-bag and nothing else if you’re in danger
• ✅ Don’t tell your abuser where you’re going
• ✅ Go directly to your safe location
• ✅ Call the domestic violence hotline for guidance: 1-800-799-7233

After You Leave:

• ✅ Change all passwords immediately
• ✅ Get a new phone number if needed
• ✅ Alert children’s school/daycare about the situation
• ✅ Inform your workplace if appropriate
• ✅ Consider a protection order if you don’t have one
• ✅ Work with an advocate from a domestic violence organization

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📞 Essential Resources

National Hotlines:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
  • Available 24/7, confidential, can help with safety planning
  • Online chat available at thehotline.org
  • Text “START” to 88788
• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
• National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

What These Services Can Provide:

• Confidential crisis counseling
• Safety planning assistance
• Information about local shelters
• Legal advocacy and information
• Referrals to local services
• Help creating an escape plan

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💡 Important Reminders

You are not alone. One in four women and one in nine men experience severe intimate partner violence. Help is available.

Your safety matters most. Leaving can be the most dangerous time. Contact a domestic violence advocate to help you plan.

You don’t need everything on this list to leave. If you’re in immediate danger, leave with whatever you can grab. Everything else can be replaced.

This is not your fault. Abuse is about power and control, not anything you did wrong.

You deserve safety and respect. No one deserves to be abused, regardless of circumstances.

Children are affected by witnessing abuse. Leaving an abusive relationship is often the best thing you can do for your children.

You can rebuild your life. Many people who leave abusive relationships go on to live happy, fulfilling lives. You can too.

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🎯 Quick Checklist: Grab-and-Go Essentials

If you must leave RIGHT NOW and can only grab a few things:

1. ✅ Your ID/driver’s license
2. ✅ Phone and charger
3. ✅ Cash if you have any accessible
4. ✅ Medications (especially critical prescriptions)
5. ✅ Children’s essentials (if applicable)
6. ✅ Car keys

Everything else can be replaced. Your safety cannot.

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Final Thoughts

Preparing a go-bag doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you’re giving up on your relationship. It means you’re being smart and protecting yourself and your children. Many people prepare go-bags and never need to use them—but having one provides peace of mind and a concrete escape plan if the situation escalates.

If you’re reading this because you need it: you are strong, you are brave, and you deserve safety. Reach out for help. You don’t have to do this alone.

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Available 24/7 | Completely Confidential | They can help

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This guide is for informational purposes only. For personalized safety planning, please contact a domestic violence advocate or counselor who can help you create a plan specific to your situation.

When we think about attraction, we often picture movie scenes of sparks flying and immediate connection. But the truth is, the reasons people are drawn to each other are often far more complex than simple chemistry. Subconscious needs, situational factors, and personal insecurities can all play a powerful role in determining who we find ourselves attracted to at any given moment.

Understanding these underlying motivations can give you a clearer perspective on your own relationships and interactions. Here are some of the less-talked-about reasons someone might be suddenly attracted to you.

They’re Seeking Validation or a Distraction

One of the most common drivers of new attraction is a person’s current emotional state. If someone is feeling lonely or dealing with a lack of attention in their life, they may actively seek out new connections. In this scenario, their interest might not be a reflection of who you are, but rather a need for validation or a distraction from their current feelings. You become a welcome audience, a source of positive energy that fills a void they’re experiencing.

The Power of Scarcity

Human psychology is fascinating, and one principle that often appears in attraction is the concept of scarcity. When you seem busy, uninterested, or otherwise unavailable, a person may perceive you as more valuable and desirable. This isn’t about playing games; it’s a natural reaction to the idea that what is difficult to obtain is worth more. By simply focusing on your own life and not chasing their attention, you can unintentionally increase your appeal.

You Are Their Emotional Mirror

Some people are attracted to those who reflect their own self-worth in a positive light. When they are around you, they feel good about themselves. Your energy, compliments, or even just your presence can make them feel admired and confident. This can be a healthy dynamic, but it can also become a coping mechanism. If they’re having a bad day or feeling down on themselves, they may instinctively turn to you because they see you as an audience who will make them feel better.

You Fulfill a Specific, Immediate Need

Sometimes, attraction is highly transactional. A person’s interest might be tied to a specific, immediate need they want you to fulfill. This could be anything from seeking a date for an event to wanting a casual relationship, or even just needing a friendly face to vent to. While this doesn’t mean their interest is fake, it does mean their attraction is based on a practical purpose rather than a deep, emotional connection.

You’re a “Rebound” Option

Rejection is a powerful motivator. If someone has just been rejected or is feeling annoyed by another person, they may suddenly find you more attractive by comparison. You’re not their first choice, but in that moment, you represent an antidote to their recent negative experience. This can lead to a quick, intense burst of attraction that is more about their feelings toward the other person than their genuine feelings toward you.

It Simply Suits Their Needs

Ultimately, sometimes attraction is purely a matter of convenience. For whatever reason—timing, location, or circumstance—it suits their needs at that specific moment. This doesn’t necessarily make the interest disingenuous, but it’s important to recognize that the situation itself is a major factor. The attraction might not be rooted in a deep-seated connection, but in the simple fact that you are available and compatible with their current situation.

Conclusion

Understanding these hidden drivers of attraction isn’t about becoming cynical; it’s about gaining a more realistic and nuanced view of human behavior. True, lasting connections are often built on more than just situational convenience or emotional needs. By recognizing these factors, you can better navigate your relationships, protect your emotional energy, and ultimately seek out connections that are based on genuine, mutual admiration.

• Did you live in fear in your relationship or family?
• Was your parent or partner’s opinion the only one that counted?
• Did you feel ‘less-than’ whenever you were around your parent or partner?
• Were you called ‘selfish’ or ‘inconsiderate’ a lot?
• Were you told you were wrong most of the time?
• Were your emotional needs dismissed or used against you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may have survived narcissistic abuse.

This page will describe the condition of narcissism, narcissistic abuse in families and relationships, and how therapy can help you recover.

What is a narcissist?

A narcissist’s self-esteem is fragile and threatened by the self-worth of others. He or she must be able to devalue someone else – and see the effects – to feel his or her own worth. They demean their victims to achieve the effect of feeling superior to their victim. There is no honesty in their lives. Everything they do is to achieve an effect rather than clarity.

Narcissists are not bound by conscience nor empathy in their drive to keep themselves afloat. If a victim points out the effect of the narcissist’s abusive tactics there will be no remorse. The narcissist will either dismiss or blame the victim for being ‘too sensitive’.

All that matters to the narcissist is her own needs and she expects others to feel the same. Anyone who expresses needs that do not align with the narcissist’s will be reacted to with outrage, contempt and disgust. In the narcissist’s mind her own needs receive inflated importance so anyone who acts otherwise is considered ‘selfish’ or ‘inconsiderate’.

Narcissists pressure their children and partners to believe that the narcissist’s needs are the only ones that matter. There is no room in the narcissist’s psychology for someone else to truly matter to them. People are experienced as objects to be used rather than connected with.

What is narcissistic abuse in the family?

Being in close relationship to a narcissist is very dangerous. If you are the child or partner of one then you will face coercion to comply with their abuse. The options are dismal. In a family the narcissist’s spouse either submits to her whims or acts emotionally remote. In either case, the narcissist faces no resistance in her victimization of their children.

Narcissists are careful to abuse their victims in private so as not to be discovered. Narcissists often look normal from the outside. They can have reputations as figureheads in their communities, ‘loving’ parents, and trusted ‘friends’. Behind closed doors these people change. When they do not believe there is a public impression to manage they will ruthlessly destroy the self-esteem of the people around them.

Constructing a veil of being a good person in public is often critical to the narcissist’s mission. Her children face the horrifying truth that the person who’s supposed to promote their happiness actually wants to thwart it. Kids do not want to believe this. Worse, they rightfully fear that people outside the family will not believe them. When the narcissistic parent has a sparkling public image she ensures that her victims will not be believed. Without any hope of protection, kids often tragically conclude that the narcissist is picking on them because they deserve it. Adopting such a belief allows the kids to function in the family.

Family roles in the narcissistic family

Depending on how a family is configured the narcissist decides the worth of each child. In a family with three or more children, these are the roles that children are offered:

1) scapegoat – this child is blamed for all of the family’s problems.
2) golden child – this child gets credit for all of the family’s successes.
3) lost child – this child goes unattended and unthought of.

I listed the role of ‘scapegoat‘ first because this is often the narcissist’s first requirement. She must have someone to diminish in order for her to feel superior. Life as the scapegoated child feels tormenting, unpredictable, and full of rejection. Once she has forced one child into the role of scapegoat she is free to bring another child under her tent of grandiosity.

The role of ‘golden child’ gets ascribed to the kid who can do no wrong in the narcissist’s eyes. This child’s sense of self is artificially inflated by the narcissistic parent and exists as an extension of the parent. The golden child is implicitly forbidden from being his own person. His views and attitudes must comply with the narcissist’s or he will lose his status. Although the golden child seems to enjoy a lot of praise he knows – at some level – how contrived it is. Golden children often feel like nobody really knows them and they live a double life.

The ‘lost child’ is thoroughly ignored by all members of the family. Since the family functions to meet the needs of the narcissist and this child is neither in the line of fire nor the line of praise, he gets lost. There is simply not enough attention – let alone love – to make it to the lost child. Life for the lost child can feel joyless, numbing and fuzzy. When nobody takes an interest in a child it’s hard for that child to take an interest in himself. As such lost children can be prone to self-destructive acts – substance abuse, risk-taking behaviors – since their fortunes have never seemed to matter to anybody.

These roles can be fluid. In a family with a single child, the narcissistic parent may treat the same child as the scapegoat sometimes, golden child other times, and as the lost child still other times. Or as one child moves out of the house, a former golden child can suddenly find himself as the new scapegoat. In my personal and clinical experience the one constant is that a narcissist needs a scapegoat first and foremost. No history of favorable treatment or sense of hypocrisy will prevent him from finding new scapegoats as needed.

Narcissistic abuse in a relationship

Narcissistic abuse takes on a cyclical form in a relationship. First there is often an immediate and explosive sense of connection with the narcissist. He will idealize you and often remark how unique and special your connection feels. There is often the feeling of having met the man or woman of your dreams. Importantly a fear of losing such a special person gets cultivated. This may happen by the narcissist’s off-hand remarks about ex-partners who were not good enough for him. You do not want to get discarded like they were.

As time elapses a pattern of dismissiveness and criticism develops. You are no longer texted or called back in the timely fashion that used to be the norm. If you raise this issue you may receive an eye-roll, further withdrawal, or outrage. Often the narcissist will begin finding flaws in you and telling you so. “You’re going to wear that?”. “I don’t like your friends”. “I wish you wouldn’t eat so much”. These kinds of statements all serve the purpose of eroding your sense of worth in relation to the narcissist.

The narcissist’s goal is make his victim believe that she loves him more than he loves her. Through the dismissals and criticism the narcissist gets his victim to believe he or she is not worth his love. This affords the narcissist the sense of superiority he so desperately needs. If the narcissist finds it too easy to achieve this sense of superiority he may no longer derive the boost in self-worth and discard his victim. Thus, the victim’s worst fears are realized when the narcissist wholly rejects his partner.

Sometimes a narcissist will stop short of fully discarding a victim and make attempts to lure the victim back into his clutches. This will take the form of something called ‘hoovering’ where the old compliments and special treatment suddenly reappear. The victim is convinced that she is now worth the narcissist’s approval – finally. This grace period is always short-lived and the devaluation returns followed by another rejection.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse

Simply knowing you were narcissistically abused is not easy. Victims were in a system designed to deny that anything bad was happening to anyone. The narcissist was not cruel she just happened to live with deeply flawed partners or children. So the warped thinking goes. Efforts to speak the truth about what the narcissist is really doing get undermined and/or retaliated against.

All this is to say that if you are reading this and it resonates that is an important step. You are beginning to come out of the fog of narcissistic abuse. No small feat.

The good news is that therapy – particularly therapy based on Control-Mastery Theory (CMT) – can help you recover your sense of worth and autonomy. Effective therapy with survivors of narcissistic abuse must target the painful – and untrue – beliefs adopted by the victim.

Here are some common beliefs that victims of narcissistic abuse often hold:

“My needs are not as important as others.”
“If I am not making someone else happy I am useless.”
“I am defective.”
“I am boring and dull.”
“I am selfish.”
“My anger is harmful to others.”
“I am mean/thoughtless/inconsiderate/cruel.”
“I do not deserve to be appreciated.”
“I do not deserve protection.”
“My judgment is flawed.”

These beliefs get adopted because they allow one to stay in relationship to the narcissist. A child needs the relationship to continue because he is dependent on the narcissistic parent. A partner who has been abused enough will have a similar fear of losing the narcissist.

In therapy we work together so that you have the repeated experience of being respected, valued, and understood. As a CMT therapist, I listen with an ear towards expressions of such beliefs. When they occur I might offer a reflection that they are in operation and see how we might work together to challenge them.

A case study

Jason* was a client who grew up with a narcissistic mother and was scapegoated. He developed the belief that he was defective.  In our work, this belief showed up in his conclusions that women were not interested in him:

Jason: “I was at the party and talked to this woman, Kate, for some time.”

Me: “Sounds like you two had a connection.”

Jason: “Yeah, maybe. She was pretty and seemed smart too.”

Me: “What do you think her impression of you was?”

Jason: “Me? Oh, I don’t know. She might’ve been wanting to get out of the conversation but not want to be rude.”

Me: “Any evidence of that?”

Jason: “Not that I can think of.”

Me: “Well I could imagine that anticipating her rejection like that was a useful thing to do growing up in your house. You never knew when your mother was going to attack you for some ridiculous reason. Best to assume you were getting what you deserved – abuse. “

Jason: “Yeah it feels similar.”

Me: “I know. But you know what? Your mother was dead wrong about you. You are received quite well by everyone in your life outside of her. Including, it would seem, Kate?”

Jason: “It’s like I’m coming out of a false reality.”

Me: “Yeah! And coming into your ‘true’ reality of how good you actually are. The false reality is the one your narcissistic mother forced on you. She wanted you to believe this horrible lie about yourself because it made her feel good. Quite the opposite of what most mothers want for their children.”

We repeatedly identified and challenged Jason’s beliefs that he was undeserving of positive attention from women. Over time, he grew to notice and accept the positive attention he received instead of finding ways to dismiss it. He would also catch himself believing that he did not deserve others’ respect nor attention and refute this.

This blog provides another example of how a survivor’s doubt in her own judgment was addressed and changed in therapy.

Next steps

If you think that some of these experiences might apply to you then I encourage you to contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation. Life can be lived according to your own dictates not the grandiose demands of a narcissistic parent or partner.

*Jason is a fictitious client based on a composite of personal and professional experience.[/cs_text][/cs_column][/cs_row][/cs_section][/cs_content]

University of Pennsylvania 1999 – B.A. Psychology, Magna Cum Laude
Pennsylvania State University 2004 – M.S. Clinical Psychology

How Childhood Narcissistic Abuse Shapes Your Internal Dialogue

Quick Answer: Adults who grew up with narcissistic parents or caregivers often unconsciously repeat 11 self-defeating phrases: “I don’t want to be a burden,” “I’m not good enough,” “It’s always my fault,” “I deserve this,” “I can’t trust my own judgment,” “I’m just being dramatic,” “I’m too sensitive,” “I have to be perfect,” “I’m always messing things up,” “I’m a failure,” and “It’s easier if I just do it myself.” These phrases reflect deep-seated beliefs formed through chronic invalidation, gaslighting, and emotional neglect during formative years.

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The words we say to ourselves matter profoundly—they shape our self-perception, influence our relationships, and guide our life choices. But what happens when our internal dialogue was written by people who consistently invalidated, criticized, and manipulated us?

Children raised by narcissistic parents or surrounded by narcissistic caregivers develop specific thought patterns and self-talk habits that persist well into adulthood. These automatic phrases reveal the psychological imprint of growing up in an emotionally toxic environment.

Understanding these verbal patterns is the first step toward healing and reclaiming a healthier narrative about yourself.

The Lasting Impact of Narcissistic Parenting

Narcissistic parents create household environments centered entirely around their own needs, emotions, and ego. Children in these homes learn early that their worth is conditional, their feelings are inconvenient, and their existence serves the parent’s emotional regulation rather than their own development.

How Narcissistic Parents Shape Children’s Self-Perception

Conditional love: Affection and approval are granted only when children meet specific standards or behave in ways that please the parent.

Emotional invalidation: Children’s feelings are dismissed, minimized, or mocked, teaching them their emotional experiences don’t matter.

Gaslighting: Parents distort reality, deny their harmful behaviors, and convince children to doubt their own perceptions and memories.

Role reversal: Children become responsible for managing their parents’ emotions, creating inappropriate responsibility and guilt.

Comparison and criticism: Constant negative feedback and unfavorable comparisons to others erode self-esteem.

Unpredictable responses: Inconsistent reactions to similar behaviors create anxiety and hypervigilance.

These dynamics don’t end when children leave home—they become internalized voices that continue the criticism, invalidation, and control throughout adulthood.

11 Phrases That Signal Narcissistic Upbringing

1. “I Don’t Want to Be a Burden”

This phrase reflects a deep-seated belief that your needs, feelings, and existence inconvenience others.

The origin: Children of narcissists learn that asking for help, expressing needs, or requiring attention creates problems. Narcissistic parents frame their children’s normal developmental needs as excessive demands, teaching them that requiring support makes them burdensome.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Extreme reluctance to ask for help, even in crisis
• Apologizing excessively for basic requests
• Minimizing your own needs in relationships
• Feeling guilty for taking up space or time
• Automatically prioritizing others’ comfort over your wellbeing

The underlying belief: “My needs are too much. I’m inherently too demanding. People would be better off without having to deal with me.”

The impact: This phrase often leads to codependency in relationships, where your mood becomes dependent on the other person and you won’t give yourself the support you need by reaching out because you fear being a burden to anyone. Codependency means prioritizing others’ feelings over your own to an unhealthy degree, losing your sense of self in the process.

2. “I’m Not Good Enough”

Perhaps the most common phrase among adults raised by narcissists, this statement reveals profound feelings of inadequacy.

The origin: Children of narcissists receive conditional approval—love and validation are rewards for meeting impossible standards rather than givens. No achievement is ever sufficient to earn lasting approval.

Enduring criticism and taking a backseat to a self-centered parent, children of narcissists frequently develop low self-worth. “I’m not good enough” is their unspoken motto, explains Newport Institute, healing centers that work to change the lives of those struggling with their mental health.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Imposter syndrome despite accomplishments
• Perfectionism that prevents completion
• Constant comparison to others
• Inability to accept compliments
• Persistent feeling of falling short
• Overworking to prove worthiness

The underlying belief: “There’s something fundamentally wrong with me. No matter what I achieve, I’ll never be worthy of love and acceptance.”

The impact: This internalized inadequacy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, preventing people from pursuing opportunities, forming healthy relationships, or recognizing their genuine value.

3. “It’s Always My Fault”

This automatic assumption of blame reveals learned survival mechanisms from childhood.

The origin: Narcissistic parents refuse accountability and instead blame children for everything—including the parent’s own emotions, failures, and bad behavior. Children learn that accepting blame quickly can prevent escalation and provide an illusion of control.

Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, a national certified counselor and licensed mental health counselor, said, “Chronic self-blame often starts in childhood. If you grew up with a parent who was emotionally immature, narcissistic, or unpredictable, you may have learned to take the blame just to feel some control.”

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Immediately apologizing when anything goes wrong
• Taking responsibility for others’ emotions and actions
• Assuming you caused problems you didn’t create
• Difficulty recognizing when others are actually at fault
• Using self-blame as an anxiety management tool

The underlying belief: “If everything is my fault, then I can control outcomes by being better. If I accept blame, maybe I can prevent bad things from happening.”

The impact: This pattern attracts manipulative people who exploit your willingness to accept blame, while preventing you from holding others accountable for their actual behavior.

4. “I Deserve This”

This devastating phrase reveals acceptance of poor treatment as normal and earned.

The origin: When children are consistently mistreated, neglected, or abused while being told they caused it, they develop beliefs about deserving punishment or suffering.

After experiencing narcissistic abuse, many victims struggle with feeling unworthy or believing that they deserve how the narcissist treated them. You might struggle with low self-esteem and believe that the narcissistic abuser would have treated you better if only you had done things differently, explains Arlin Cuncic, the author of “The Anxiety Workbook,” who also has a master’s degree in clinical psychology.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Accepting mistreatment in relationships without protest
• Believing you don’t deserve kindness, success, or happiness
• Staying in situations that harm you
• Feeling unworthy of good things when they happen
• Self-sabotaging when life improves

The underlying belief: “I’m fundamentally flawed or bad, so suffering is my natural state. Good treatment would be unearned and inappropriate for someone like me.”

The impact: This belief creates a pattern of tolerating abuse, settling for less than you deserve, and remaining in destructive situations because you believe they’re what you’ve earned.

5. “I Can’t Trust My Own Judgment”

This phrase signals damaged confidence in your own perceptions and decision-making abilities.

The origin: Gaslighting—making someone question their reality, memory, and sanity—is a favorite tool of narcissistic parents. When your experiences are consistently denied, distorted, or dismissed, you learn to doubt your own mind.

Gaslighting parents frequently minimize or ignore children’s feelings, making them feel their emotions are unimportant or unworthy of attention. Children may feel entirely disconnected from their feelings because they fail to learn healthy emotional regulation from their parents, according to ChoosingTherapy, a site that provides individuals with mental health information from experts.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Constant second-guessing of decisions
• Excessive consultation with others before acting
• Inability to trust your intuition or gut feelings
• Questioning your memories and perceptions
• Difficulty making choices without external validation
• Staying in confusion rather than taking action

The underlying belief: “My thoughts, feelings, and perceptions are unreliable. I can’t trust what I think I know. Others see reality more clearly than I do.”

The impact: This damaged trust in yourself makes you vulnerable to further manipulation while preventing you from developing autonomy and confidence in your judgment.

6. “I’m Just Being Dramatic”

This self-invalidating phrase mirrors the dismissal you received in childhood.

The origin: When children express normal emotions or reactions to genuinely upsetting situations, narcissistic parents accuse them of being dramatic, overreacting, or attention-seeking. Children internalize this criticism and begin pre-emptively dismissing their own feelings.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Minimizing your emotional responses before others can
• Apologizing for having feelings
• Suppressing reactions to genuinely upsetting situations
• Feeling ashamed of emotional expression
• Invalidating yourself to avoid criticism from others

The underlying belief: “My emotional responses are excessive and inappropriate. I create problems by feeling things. If I hurt myself first, maybe others won’t.”

The impact: This pattern prevents healthy emotional processing and keeps you disconnected from your genuine feelings, making it impossible to identify your actual needs or boundaries.

7. “I’m Too Sensitive”

Similar to dramatic, this phrase reveals internalized accusations from narcissistic caregivers.

The origin: Narcissists use “you’re too sensitive” as a weapon to avoid accountability for hurtful behavior. Instead of acknowledging harm caused, they reframe the problem as your oversensitivity.

As with other forms of gaslighting, the “you’re too sensitive” routine is usually cloaked to hide its real intent and position the narcissist as free of responsibility, explains Julie L. Hall, author of “The Narcissist in Your Life.”

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Believing your feelings are inherently excessive
• Apologizing for being hurt by hurtful behavior
• Questioning whether you have a right to be upset
• Staying in situations that hurt you because you think it’s your sensitivity that’s the problem
• Dismissing your emotional experiences as character flaws

The underlying belief: “Something is wrong with how I experience emotions. My feelings are the problem, not the behaviors that caused them.”

The impact: This belief prevents you from recognizing genuinely harmful behavior and setting appropriate boundaries, as you’ve been conditioned to see yourself as the problem.

8. “I Have to Be Perfect”

This phrase reflects the impossible standards narcissistic parents impose and the conditional nature of their approval.

The origin: Children of narcissists learn that love, attention, and safety depend on flawless behavior, achievement, and presentation. Any mistake invites criticism, rejection, or punishment.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Paralyzing perfectionism that prevents action
• All-or-nothing thinking about performance
• Inability to tolerate mistakes or imperfection
• Procrastination due to fear of imperfect results
• Harsh self-criticism for normal human errors
• Feeling that you must earn worthiness through achievement

The underlying belief: “I’m only acceptable when I’m perfect. Any flaw makes me unworthy of love. Imperfection equals failure, and failure means rejection.”

The impact: The pursuit of impossible perfection creates chronic anxiety, prevents genuine connection (as you can never be authentic), and keeps you trapped in a cycle of striving without satisfaction.

9. “I’m Always Messing Things Up”

This phrase reveals the internalized voice of constant criticism and blame.

The origin: Narcissistic parents blame children for everything—their own moods, household problems, relationship issues, and life disappointments. Children internalize this blame-shifting and begin viewing themselves as perpetual sources of problems.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Catastrophizing minor mistakes
• Excessive self-criticism for normal errors
• Avoiding new experiences due to fear of failure
• Hypervigilance about potential mistakes
• Inability to learn from errors due to shame
• Automatically assuming you caused any problem

The underlying belief: “I’m incompetent and destructive. My involvement makes things worse. Everything would be better without my interference.”

The impact: This belief creates a self-fulfilling prophecy where anxiety about messing up actually impairs performance, while preventing you from taking healthy risks necessary for growth.

10. “I’m a Failure”

This sweeping self-assessment reflects the internalized voice of narcissistic parents who framed normal childhood as inadequacy.

The origin: Narcissistic parents provide constant criticism while withholding genuine praise. Children develop core beliefs about being fundamentally deficient, unsuccessful, and disappointing.

Individuals raised by a narcissistic parent often doubt their own worth, talents, and successes due to consistent belittlement and manipulation during childhood. This fosters imposter syndrome even in adulthood, said Heather Hayes, a master’s level licensed counselor.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Dismissing or minimizing accomplishments
• Focusing exclusively on shortcomings
• Imposter syndrome despite evidence of competence
• Inability to recognize or celebrate successes
• Giving up easily when challenges arise
• Viewing setbacks as confirmation of inherent failure

The underlying belief: “I’m fundamentally unsuccessful and inadequate. Any apparent success is either luck or deception. Eventually, everyone will discover I’m a fraud.”

The impact: This identity as a failure prevents pursuit of goals, undermines achievement, and creates chronic dissatisfaction regardless of actual accomplishments.

11. “It’s Easier If I Just Do It Myself”

This phrase reveals deep-seated beliefs about the cost and danger of depending on others.

The origin: When children’s requests for help are met with anger, mockery, incompetence, or strings attached, they learn that relying on others creates more problems than it solves. Self-reliance becomes both a survival strategy and a protection against disappointment.

Being treated this way while they are younger will follow them into adulthood and shape the way they feel about leaning on others. They may feel like they are expected to carry the weight of everything on their own and should never have to rely on anyone else.

How it manifests in adulthood:

• Extreme self-reliance even when harmful
• Difficulty delegating or accepting help
• Exhaustion from carrying everything alone
• Belief that asking for help shows weakness
• Disappointment in others for not reading your mind
• Control issues masked as independence

The underlying belief: “Depending on others leads to disa

August 31, 2022

Do you often second guess yourself? Are you having trouble making simple decisions?  Do you ask yourself ‘am I just too sensitive’ a dozen times a day?  Do you sometimes feel confused and crazy at work? Do you know there is something is wrong, but you just can’t put your finger on it?  You start lying to your partner to avoid the reality twists?  Do you withhold details of your relationship from friends?  Do you feel that you are not the same self you were when you met your partner?

If you answered YES to one or more of these questions – you may be in a gaslighting relationship. Let’s take a closer look on how to identify the gaslight effect.

In my book The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life, I describe the debilitating impact that dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ can have on you as you move through the stages of gaslighting.  If you are suffering the gaslight effect, you are no longer sure of your reality, you are questioning your sense of self and you have given over your power  in order to preserve the relationship. That’s the bad news. And, tragically, you are in deep psychological pain – sometimes you even feel like your soul hurts. But – there is good news here too: being in an ongoing gaslighting relationship requires your  participation – even unwittingly – and that means that when you can name it  you can begin to gather  your inner strength and outside resources to step out of the dynamic.

I wrote the book because I listened to my patients and my friends, for years, talk about being consumed by a dynamic I called the “gaslight tango”.  I witnessed the most successful of women, come unglued in their most intimate relationships, while at the same time, leading non profits, running companies with confidence and great success.

The people I saw dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ most often in my practice were in romantic  relationships. While both men and women can be gaslighters, the pairing I see most often is the man as gaslighter and the woman, the gaslightee – following a more traditional model of man, the dominant and woman, the submissive.  However, I have worked with many men who are gaslightees, many women who are involved with gaslighting women and both sexes being gaslighted by men or women in the workplace.  No matter the players, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse.

The “powerful” gaslighter communicates with certainty and consistency that he is right and there is something wrong with you or the way you think.  The systematic knocking you down over time, will eat away at your confidence  and cause you to experience a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, you begin to question what you thought you knew to be true. You are second guessing your reality.

Identifying The Stages Of The Gaslight Effect

In the next blogs, I will tell you more about what gasligting looks like in Stage 1:  Disbelief, Stage 2: Defense, Stage 3: Depression.  I will describe the different types of gaslighters the “glamour gaslighter” “good guy gaslighter” “the intimidator gaslighter”.  I will explore – and, present some cases  – about vulnerabilities on both sides and dynamics that keep gaslighter and gaslightee dancing together.

And – importantly, I will give you tips and strategies about how to stop gaslighting, and how to decide to stay or leave a relationship – and, either way, how to reclaim your reality and your joy.

In the meantime – if you are dancing the Gaslight Tango: here are a few quick tips about how to step out of the dance, now that you recognize that’s what is happening :

1. Opt out of power struggles – write down language you can use and practice it (like this: we are saying the same thing, again and again, I just don’t want to continue)
2. Avoid the right-wrong debates – pay attention to how you feel instead
3. Practice sentence stems like “we can agree to disagree” when your perspectives clash
4. Use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you – or, excuse yourself and walk away
5. Write down your dialogue, as verbatim as you recall, and take a look at it at another time – notice when the conversation pivots to gaslighting
6. Talk to a trusted friend for a reality check when you feel uncertain
7. Trust your gut, if something feels wrong, it is wrong for you!

Identify The Gaslight Effect With Robin Stern’s Book

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life will show you how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from —and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship. Learn more about my book on The Gaslight Effect.

Dr. Robin Stern

Robin Stern, Ph.D., is the Co-founder and Senior Advisor to the Director, Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and an Associate Research Scientist at the Child Study Center at Yale.

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1. Assess your motivation, but honestly.

Boundaries are relationship expectations that establish how you do (and don’t) want to be treated.

After a breakup, many people struggle to set and maintain new boundaries with an ex.

Honestly evaluating why and how you want your ex in your life is key.

Source: Mixmike, Getty Images

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. —Brené Brown

After a breakup, the way we relate to our former romantic partner shifts dramatically. Sexual, romantic, and daily shared life patterns stop or morph, making way for a new normal for each partner. This leaves many in an uncomfortable state of transition, wondering whether they can still have their now-ex in their life—and how.

Transitioning from being lovers to friends, platonic colleagues, or even just civilized co-parents is much easier if there are good boundaries.

Boundaries are relationship expectations; they reflect how you want to be treated and what you’re going to do if someone violates those expectations (APA; Cloud & Townsend, 2017). This can include everything from how you want someone to talk to you to whether you want them to touch you to how much time you want to spend with them (Warren, 2023). In this way, boundaries keep you safe in your interpersonal relationships.

If you find yourself wanting a non-romantic relationship with your ex after a breakup—or if you must have one of necessity, because you work together or share parenting responsibilities—here are 4 steps to help you set new boundaries.

Step 1: Assess Your Motivation, Honestly

Before trying to be friends or non-romantic partners, it’s essential that you really explore what’s driving your desire to be connected in the first place. Why do you want to be friends with your ex? Is it because you really care about them and think you can add to one another’s life in a meaningful way as friends more than you could as lovers? Or, for example…:

• Do you want to stay connected because you’re afraid of being alone?
• Do you feel guilty about the breakup or your role in the relationship ending, so you’re trying to ease the pain?
• Do you selfishly want a tie to your ex because they’re still in love with you, to ease your ego in case your next relationship fails?
• Are you secretly aware that you want to continue a sexual connection with your ex without commitment but won’t directly tell your ex that?

Knowing why you want to stay connected is key to setting healthy relationship expectations. If you’re honest with yourself and realize that staying friends with your ex is coming from a less-healthy place that has nothing to do with them as a person, you may decide that cutting off contact is a better choice.

Step 2: Describe Your Ideal Relationship

Once you’ve honestly admitted your motivation for keeping your ex in your life, it’s time to figure out what an ideal non-romantic friendship with your ex would look like. Given that you’re no longer together, how do you want them to be in your life? Ask yourself questions like:

• What does “being friends” mean?
• How often do you want to talk or see one another?
• Do you still want to see them? When and under what conditions?
• Do you want a relationship or are you mostly hoping it’s not awkward to run into them because you have mutual friends?

In addition, are there any dealbreakers to being friends? For example, are there things you don’t want your ex to do, like stopping by unannounced; calling late at night; sending sexy photos; or continuing to have sexual interactions?

Get as clear as you can about how you would like—and not like—to have your ex in your life moving forward.

Step 3: Share Your Perspective With Your Ex

Now that you’ve figured out some of your motivation for being friends and what you’d like that relationship to look like, it’s time to share it with your ex and get their feedback to see whether a friendship works for them. For example, you may say something like:

I know things are changing between us because we broke up. Even though we’re not romantically together anymore, I want to be friends with you because I really care about you as a person. You’re funny and I really like you as a person—we just weren’t good together as romantic partners. What I hope is that we can be friends moving forward. To me, that means we can see each other once in a while—maybe grab coffee or catch up sometimes. I know we’ll run into each other at parties too.

What I really don’t want is for us to be awkward saying hi or feeling like we can’t interact anymore. Or for being friends to hurt either of us as we date new people. So, I think it’s better not to hook up with each other moving forward. What do you think about what I’ve said? Do you want to try to be friends with me? Do you think we can? Do you think it would be healthy for you?

Step 4: Evaluate Over Time

As you establish what you want and need in your new friendship with your ex, it will be important to continually see how it feels to you over time. If your ex acts in a way that is inconsistent with the new relationship you’ve outlined, it will be important to respond.

For example, if they continue to pursue sexual interactions even when you’ve said you aren’t available for them, you may need to say something like: “Please don’t come onto me in a romantic way; we aren’t together anymore”; “I don’t want to be in a sexual relationship with you anymore, so I’m not going to respond to your advances”; or, “I’d appreciate it if you don’t stop by my place unannounced anymore. If you do, I’m not going to let you in.”

Like all relationships, you’ll get more information as you go. If you find that your new interactions or way of relating isn’t healthy for you or them, change it until you find something that works. Ultimately, that may mean that you aren’t capable of being friends— at least not yet.

The Naked Truth

Clear boundaries exist in all healthy relationships. They establish the kind of relationship you’re willing to be in and how you will respond if someone treats you in a way that’s inconsistent with your values and personal needs. When you’re going through a breakup, setting new, clear boundaries for yourself and your ex is key to moving on in a healthy way—whether they ultimately stay in your life or not.

Copyright Cortney S. Warren, Ph.D., ABPP

Note: This content is only for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered therapy or any form of treatment. I cannot respond to personal requests for advice over the internet. Best on your continued journey.

Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a board-certified clinical psychologist and former tenured associate professor of psychology at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). She earned her bachelor’s degree from Macalester College in 2000 and her Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Texas A&M

We live in a world that often promotes “good vibes only,” encouraging us to always look on the bright side and stay positive. While optimism can be a powerful tool, there’s a fine line between encouragement and emotional invalidation. That’s where toxic positivity sneaks in.

Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how bad or painful a situation is, we should keep a positive mindset. It’s the voice that says “everything happens for a reason” when your world is falling apart. It’s the pressure to smile when your heart is heavy.

And while it’s often well-intentioned, it can actually do more harm than good.

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🌫️ What Is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state in a way that denies, suppresses, or invalidates authentic human emotions.

It shows up in phrases like:

• “Just stay positive.”
• “It could be worse.”
• “Good vibes only.”
• “You’ll get over it.”

These statements might seem harmless or even encouraging at first glance. But for someone going through real pain, they can feel isolating and dismissive.

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🌱 What Is Healthy Support?

Healthy support, on the other hand, holds space for emotions. It’s the practice of listening without judgment, validating feelings without trying to fix them, and offering empathy instead of solutions.

Examples include:

• “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.”
• “It’s okay to feel upset. Your feelings are valid.”
• “Do you want to talk about it, or just sit quietly together?”

This kind of support makes people feel seen, heard, and safe.

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💡 Why Toxic Positivity Can Be Harmful

1. It invalidates emotions. When someone is told to “just think positive,” it suggests their pain isn’t real or important.
2. It causes shame. People may start to believe they’re weak or wrong for feeling negative emotions.
3. It disrupts connection. Real relationships are built on honesty. If someone can’t be vulnerable, they may start to withdraw.
4. It blocks healing. Suppressing difficult feelings doesn’t make them disappear. In fact, unacknowledged emotions can linger and grow.

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🧠 Let’s Reframe It: Side-by-Side Examples

Here’s how we can turn toxic positivity into healthy, emotionally intelligent responses:

Toxic Positivity	Healthy Support
“Just be happy.”	“I can see this is really hard. Want to talk about it?”
“Look on the bright side.”	“It makes sense that you feel overwhelmed right now.”
“You’ll get over it.”	“Take all the time you need to heal. I’m here.”
“Others have it worse.”	“Your experience is valid, and your pain matters.”

are some examples

Situation	Toxic Positivity	Healthy Support
Someone loses their job	“Just stay positive, everything happens for a reason!”	“I’m really sorry you’re going through this. That must be really tough—how can I support you?”
A person is grieving	“At least they lived a long life.”	“I can’t imagine how painful this must be. I’m here for you if you want to talk or sit together.”
Someone feels anxious	“Don’t worry, be happy!”	“It’s okay to feel anxious. Do you want to talk about what’s making you feel this way?”
A friend is overwhelmed	“You’ll be fine! Just look on the bright side.”	“That sounds really overwhelming. I’m here to listen if you need to vent.”
Someone shares a personal struggle	“Others have it worse, you should be grateful.”	“Your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel this way, even if others are going through things too.”

#MentalHealthAwareness #ToxicPositivity #EmotionalWellness #HoldSpace #SupportNotSilence #MindfulWords