A popular New Year’s resolution is to take up meditation – specifically mindfulness meditation. This is a healthy choice.

Regular mindfulness practice has been linked to many positive health benefits, including reduced stress and anxiety, better sleep and quicker healing after injury and illness. Mindfulness can help us to be present in a distracted world and to feel more at home in our bodies, and in our lives.

There are many different types of meditation. Some mindfulness practices ask meditators simply to sit with whatever thoughts, sensations or emotions arise without immediately reacting to them. Such meditations cultivate focus, while granting more freedom in how we respond to whatever events life throws at us.

Other meditations ask practitioners to deliberately focus on one emotion – for example, gratitude or love – to deepen the experience of that emotion. The purpose behind this type of meditation is to bring more gratitude, or more love, into one’s life. The more people meditate on love, the easier it is to experience this emotion even when not meditating.

One such meditation is known as “metta,” or loving-kindness. As a scholar of communication and mindfulness, as well as a longtime meditation teacher, I have both studied and practiced metta. Here is what loving-kindness means and how to try it out for yourself:

Unbounded, universal love

Loving-kindness, or metta, is the type of love which is practiced by Buddhists around the world. Like many forms of meditation today, there are both secular and religious forms of the practice. One does not need to be a Buddhist to practice loving-kindness. It is for anyone and everyone who wants to live more lovingly.

Loving-kindness, the feeling cultivated in metta meditation, is very different from romantic love. In the ancient Pali language, the word “metta” has two root meanings: The first is “gentle,” in the sense of a gentle spring rain that falls on young plants, nourishing them without discrimination. The second is “friend.”

Metta is limitless and unbounded love; it is a gentle presence and universal friendliness. Metta practice is meant to grow people’s ability to be present for themselves and others without fail.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/FyKKvCO_vSA?wmode=transparent&start=0A guided loving-kindness meditation practice.

Metta is not reciprocal or conditional. It does not discriminate between us and them, rich and poor, educated and uneducated, popular or unpopular, worthy and unworthy. To practice metta is to give what I describe in my research as “the rarest and most precious gift” – a gift of love offered without any expectation of it being returned.

How to practice loving-kindness meditation

In the fifth century, a Sri Lankan monk, Buddhaghosa, composed an influential meditation text called the “Visuddhimagga,” or “The Path of Purification.” In this text, Buddhaghosa provides instructions for how to practice loving-kindness meditation. Contemporary teachers tend to adapt and modify his instructions.

The practice of loving-kindness often involves quietly reciting to oneself several traditional phrases designed to evoke metta, and visualizing the beings who will receive that loving-kindness.

Traditionally, the practice begins by sending loving kindness to ourselves. It is typical during this meditation to say:

May I be filled by loving-kindness
May I be safe from inner and outer dangers
May I be well in body and mind
May I be at ease and happy

After speaking these phrases, and feeling the emotions they evoke, next it’s common to direct loving-kindness toward someone – or something – else: It can be a beloved person, a dear friend, a pet, an animal, a favorite tree. The phrases become:

May you be filled by loving-kindness
May you be safe from inner and outer dangers
May you be well in body and mind
May you be at ease and happy

Next, this loving-kindness is directed to a wider circle of friends and loved ones: “May they …”

The final step is to gradually expand the circle of well wishes: including the people in our community and town, people everywhere, animals and all living beings, and the whole Earth. This last round of recitation begins: “May we …”

In this way, loving-kindness meditation practice opens the heart further and further into life, beginning with the meditator themselves.

Loving-kindness and mindful democracy

Clinical research shows that loving-kindness meditation has a positive effect on mental health, including lessening anxiety and depression, increasing life satisfaction and improving self-acceptance while reducing self-criticism. There is also evidence that loving-kindness meditation increases a sense of connection with other people.

The benefits of loving-kindness meditation are not just for the individual. In my research, I show that there are also tremendous benefits for society as a whole. Indeed, the practice of democracy requires us to work together with friends, strangers and even purported “opponents.” This is difficult to do if our hearts are full of hatred and resentment.

Each time meditators open their hearts in metta meditation, they prepare themselves to live more loving lives: for their own selves, and for all living beings.

Jeremy David Engels, PhD, is Liberal Arts Professor of Communication and Ethics at Pennsylvania State University. He is also a longtime teacher of mindfulness, meditation, and yoga, having studied in both India and the United States, and he is certified to teach mindfulness after completing an intensive two-year training program under the direction of Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield

Body Image A Sense of Self

~Making the shift from Insecurity to Freedom of Expression by Radha Sandy Gillen

Societal Expectations

As a society, we place great importance on how one looks physically and rarely look much further, into the heart and soul of someone. And although we have been taught that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, we are also still very much conditioned by ancient societies that inextricably married physical beauty with love, passion, desire, worthiness, and usefulness.

So, we find ourselves in this modern-day dilemma of outworn, outmoded beliefs that hinder rather than help. We idolize a particular body type or physical attributes depending on fashion and fad.

Our definition of beauty varies from culture and country, and changes over time, yet seems to remain fixated purely on external appearances. We’re constantly judging and comparing our bodies with unrealistic expectations, not to mention giving our power away to those deemed more attractive. This results in creating a better than/less than scenario that erodes our self-esteem.

Definition of Beauty

Beauty is not seen as our inner expression shining through, being reflected externally. It isn’t recognized as an integral part of our being, our inner landscape, our life force energy that radiates from who we are deep within. Inner beauty is not even popularly understood or explained, let alone as something to be felt and experienced as true beauty. Our society sees beauty as skin deep, valued for our display of fashion, hairstyle, possessions and physique.

Google’s English Dictionary provided by Oxford Languages defines beauty, in part, as;

1. A combination of qualities, such as shape, color, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight. “I was struck by her beauty”

2. A beautiful woman. “She was considered a great beauty in her youth”

Merriam-Webster Dictionary similarly says;

1. The quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.

2. A thing of beauty is a joy forever… “She was a great beauty in her day”

These definitions give rise to a few issues, primarily that it’s associated with the feminine youth, which contradicts the definition that it is a joy forever or timeless, instead, it has its day. Other definitions allude to physical beauty equating strength, happiness, good health and reproductive prowess, as well as the ability to attract a more successful mate. Yikes!

Redefining Beauty

We allow ‘society’ to influence how we feel about our bodies. We let the judgment of others form our sense of body image and determine the level of Self-acceptance we adopt.  Naturally, our sense of approval then is more a sense of disapproval because it’s impossible to feel good about ourselves in comparison to the photo-shopped images of supermodels and celebrities.

When we compare ourselves with unrealistic expectations, we undermine our ability to feel we are enough, to love our body and being just as we are.

It’s time for a new definition of beauty, one that supports diversity, inclusiveness and acceptance, not solely based on appearances, but what’s inherent within. What we define as pleasing needs to expand beyond superficiality.

Inner Beauty

The inherent, indwelling beauty that we all are at our core, holds the key to flipping the beauty myth on its head. Many haven’t even considered a sense of beauty as an inside job. As a society, we aren’t encouraged to go there. But as individuals, seeking more joy and contentment in our experience of life, we can make a literal shift away from the pain of comparison, competition, and the negativity of judgment inflicted from outside sources.

It’s time to heal the wound of body shaming and body-image bias. We must shift from viewing our body as a vehicle to the more sacred stance of it being a temple. Nurturing our personal ‘Spirit House’ initiates the journey to personal empowerment through the grace of Self-love. Who you are is so much more than your shape, skin tone, weight or outfit.

Making the Shift

When we realize that we alone hold the power to choose the thoughts we have toward our body-image and sense of Self, our whole world changes. The suffering we inflict upon ourselves by trying to look a certain way, fit in and look good for others can only be eradicated by authentic Self love and deep acceptance. This is taking a step in the direction of real happiness.  When you decide to nurture your inner beauty, a light goes on inside that radiates out in a brand-new definition of beautiful. You will experience a feeling of freedom when you drop the need to please others, hide yourself or be popular or somehow ‘different’ for others. Living life of your terms and adopting progressive definitions of your beauty is all powerful, in the gentlest of ways.

The environmental influences will undoubtedly always be present; however, you have the power to choose and regulate the extent to which these factors affect your personal satisfaction with how you look and more importantly, how you feel about yourself. Change begins with Intention. Joy and full Self-expression are the end game.

Reaching out for help if/when struggling with Self-image or body-image concerns, which are negatively impacting your life, is advised. Councilors, therapist and doctors can offer help.

Please don’t hesitate to contact me for more information on creative modalities that use art for healing this existential crisis and returning you to an empowered sense of Self.

Original Art by Radha Sandy Gillen

radhagillen@yahoo.com

In the bustling world of software development, where lines of code often resemble intricate asanas of a digital dance, it’s easy to forget the ancient wisdom encapsulated in the Yoga Sutras. The Yoga Sutras offer a sequence of instructions, a roadmap to inner peace and enlightenment. , we’ll unravel the secrets of these timeless sutras, exploring how they can balance the hectic world of modern technology, helping us debug our minds and find tranquility amid the digital chaos. Let’s dive into this fusion of ancient wisdom and contemporary challenges.

What are Yoga Sutras?

The Yoga Sutras, often called the Sutras, are a foundational text in yoga and spiritual philosophy. At its essence, the Yoga Sutras is a collection of 196 short, concise aphorisms written by the sage Patanjali, providing a systematic and philosophical framework for understanding the practice of yoga. These sutras serve as a profound guide that explores the nature of human consciousness, the mind, and the path to spiritual enlightenment. The Sutras are divided into four chapters, each addressing a different aspect of yoga, including ethical principles (Yamas and Niyamas), physical postures (Asanas), breath control (Pranayama), and meditation (Dhyana). While concise in form, the Yoga Sutras contain profound insights into the inner workings of the human psyche and offer a roadmap for individuals seeking not only physical well-being but also mental clarity, inner peace, and a deeper connection to their true selves.

Origins of the Yoga Sutras

The origins of the Yoga Sutras can be traced back to ancient India, where they emerged as a foundational text for the philosophy and practice of yoga. Understanding their origins requires delving into the historical and cultural context of the time.

Ancient India’s Spiritual Landscape:

The Yoga Sutras are believed to have been composed over 2,000 years ago when ancient India was a fertile ground for spiritual and philosophical exploration. This era, known as the Classical period of Indian philosophy, gave rise to various schools of thought, each seeking to understand the nature of existence, consciousness, and the path to spiritual realization.

The Role of Patanjali:

The authorship of the Yoga Sutras is attributed to a sage named Patanjali. However, very little is known about the life of Patanjali, and he remains somewhat of an enigmatic figure. Some scholars suggest that Patanjali might have been a compiler or a systematizer rather than the original creator of the teachings. His work is often regarded as a synthesis of existing yogic knowledge and practices in his time.

The Yogic Tradition

Before the Yoga Sutras, yoga was primarily an oral tradition, with teachings passed down from teacher to student. Patanjali’s contribution was to codify these teachings into a systematic and concise framework, making them more accessible and organized. The term “sutra” itself means a brief, aphoristic statement reflecting the brevity and precision of his work.

Incorporation of Diverse Ideas:

The Yoga Sutras draw from various philosophical and spiritual traditions of ancient India. They incorporate elements of Samkhya philosophy, which explores the dualistic nature of reality, and aspects of meditation and contemplative practices from other traditions. This amalgamation of ideas reflects the inclusivity of ancient Indian thought.

The Quest for Liberation:

At its core, the Yoga Sutras aim to provide a systematic guide for individuals seeking spiritual realization and liberation (moksha) from the cycle of birth and death (samsara). Patanjali outlines a path that involves ethical principles, physical and mental practices, meditation, and ultimately, a state of profound inner peace and self-realization.

Transmission and Influence:

Over the centuries, the Yoga Sutras have been transmitted through a lineage of teachers and practitioners. They have significantly influenced not only the practice of yoga but also the broader field of Indian philosophy and spirituality. The Sutras have become a cornerstone text for various yoga schools, including Hatha Yoga, Raja Yoga, and Jnana Yoga.

Yoga Sutras in Modern Life

The relevance of the Yoga Sutras in modern life is undeniable, as they offer timeless wisdom and practical guidance to help individuals navigate the challenges of today’s fast-paced and often stressful world. Here are several ways in which the teachings of the Yoga Sutras can be applied to contemporary life:

Stress Reduction and Mindfulness:

In our modern lives, stress is a pervasive issue. Mindfulness, as advocated in the Sutras, can be a powerful tool for managing stress. Through techniques like meditation and conscious breathing (Pranayama), individuals can develop greater awareness of their thoughts and emotions, leading to reduced stress levels and improved mental well-being.

Ethical Living:

The Yamas and Niyamas, the ethical principles outlined in the Sutras, provide a moral compass for modern life. Concepts like non-violence (Ahimsa), truthfulness (Satya), and contentment (Santosha) can guide individuals in making ethical choices in their personal and professional lives, fostering better relationships and a more harmonious society.

Physical Health and Well-being:

The physical postures (Asanas) described in the Sutras are now a central component of modern yoga practice. Regular practice of yoga not only promotes physical health, flexibility, and strength and helps alleviate common issues like back pain, poor posture, and the adverse effects of sedentary lifestyles.

Mental Resilience:

The Sutras emphasize the importance of mental discipline and control over the fluctuations of the mind (Chitta Vritti Nirodha). In today’s information-saturated world, these teachings can help individuals develop mental resilience, focus, and clarity, which are essential for success in various fields, including remote work in software development.

Self-Realization and Fulfillment:

Ultimately, the Yoga Sutras offer a profound path to self-realization and inner fulfillment. In a world where material success often overshadows inner contentment, the Sutras encourage individuals to look within, exploring their true nature and purpose in life.

Conflict Resolution:

The Sutras provide insights into dealing with conflicts and challenges constructively. By cultivating qualities like patience (Dharana) and self-study (Svadhyaya), individuals can develop better conflict resolution skills, promoting healthier interactions in both personal and professional settings.

Adaptation to Remote Work:

Given the rise of remote work, the Sutras can also help individuals adapt to this mode of employment. The discipline, self-motivation, and time management skills advocated by Patanjali can be particularly valuable for remote software developers striving for productivity and work-life balance.

Benefits of Embracing the Sutras

Embracing the teachings of the Yoga Sutras can bring many benefits to one’s life, spanning physical, mental, and spiritual dimensions. Here are some of the compelling advantages of incorporating the Sutras into one’s journey:

1. Mental Clarity and Focus:

By practicing the principles of the Sutras, individuals can gain greater control over their minds, reducing mental clutter and distractions. This enhanced mental clarity and focus can lead to increased productivity and efficiency in both personal and professional pursuits.

2. Stress Reduction:

The Sutras provide practical tools, including meditation and mindfulness techniques, to manage stress effectively. Regular practice can reduce anxiety, promote relaxation, and improve overall mental well-being, enabling individuals to handle life’s challenges more easily.

3. Enhanced Emotional Well-being:

Embracing the Sutras encourages self-awareness and emotional regulation. This can lead to a more balanced emotional state, improved relationships, and a greater capacity for empathy and compassion.

4. Physical Health and Flexibility:

The physical postures (Asanas) outlined in the Sutras promote physical health, flexibility, and strength. Regular yoga can alleviate common issues such as back pain, improve posture, and enhance overall well-being.

5. Ethical Living:

The ethical principles (Yamas and Niyamas) of the Sutras guide individuals toward a more conscious and ethical way of living. Embracing these principles fosters integrity, kindness, and respect in personal and professional interactions.

6. Self-Realization and Inner Peace:

The ultimate goal of the Sutras is self-realization and inner peace. Embracing these teachings can lead to a deeper understanding of one’s true nature, a sense of purpose, and profound inner tranquility.

7. Improved Relationships:

By cultivating qualities such as patience, compassion, and forgiveness, individuals can enhance their relationships with others. This can lead to more harmonious and fulfilling connections with family, friends, and colleagues.

8. Conflict Resolution:

The Sutras offer insights into resolving conflicts constructively. Embracing these teachings equips individuals with tools for effective communication and conflict resolution, reducing interpersonal tensions.

9. Adaptation to Modern Life:

In today’s fast-paced world, the Sutras provide a framework for adapting to the challenges of modern life. Whether in a remote software development career or any other field, the discipline, adaptability, and stress management skills derived from the Sutras can be highly beneficial.

10. Spiritual Growth:

For those on a spiritual path, embracing the Sutras offers a structured approach to spiritual growth and self-discovery. The Sutras provide a roadmap for progressing from a state of restlessness and ignorance to one of profound inner realization.

References:

• Bryant, Edwin F. (2009), The Yoga Sūtras of Patañjali: A New Edition, Translation and Commentary, New York: North Poinnt Press, ISBN 978-0865477360
• Crangle, Eddie (1984), “A Comparison of Hindu and Buddhist Techniques of Attaining Samādhi” (PDF), in Hutch, R. A.; Fenner, P. G. (eds.), Under The Shade of the Coolibah Tree: Australian Studies in Consciousness, University Press of America
• Crangle, Edward Fitzpatrick (1994), The Origin and Development of Early Indian Contemplative Practices, Otto Harrassowitz Verlag
• Müeller, Max (1899). Six Systems of Indian Philosophy; Samkhya and Yoga, Naya and Vaiseshika. Calcutta: Susil Gupta (India) Ltd. ISBN 978-0-7661-4296-1. Reprint edition; Originally published under the title of The Six Systems of Indian Philosophy.
• Ranganathan, Shyam (2008). Patañjali’s Yoga Sūtra: Translation, Commentary and Introduction. Delhi: Penguin Black Classics. ISBN 978-0-14-310219-9.
• White, David Gordon (2014). The Yoga Sutra of Patanjali: A Biography. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press. ISBN 978-0-691-14377-4.
• Woodyard C. Exploring the therapeutic effects of yoga and its ability to increase quality of life. Int J Yoga. 2011 Jul;4(2):49-54. doi: 10.4103/0973-6131.85485. PMID: 22022122; PMCID: PMC3193654.
• Vaibhav Tripathi, Pallavi Bharadwaj, Neuroscience of the yogic theory of consciousness, Neuroscience of Consciousness, Volume 2021, Issue 2, 2021, niab030

KEY POINTS:

• When ending a relationship with someone who has a demonstrated need for revenge, be prepared for them to turn on you.
• Due to the nonphysical nature of smear campaigns, most protection orders cannot offer much protection.
• Disengaging and choosing what to defend against will decrease the likelihood of things escalating with a vengeful ex.

Nothing can fully prepare you for the chaos of someone who is out for revenge, but these 5 steps can help ground you

• John, 35, ended a relationship after a couple of years of “trying to make it work.” His ex went on a rampage, telling the world he cheated, reporting him to his bar association for false allegations, driving by his house at all hours of the day, and using his information to max out his credit cards–all in an attempt to seek revenge for how she felt she had been wronged. The police refused to take a report about the female perpetrator because “this is normal breakup stuff.”
• Molly, 41, went no-contact with her mother after years of therapy. Her mother told the family egregious lies about her in an attempt to alienate and isolate her. The more Molly tried to defend herself, the more the family victim-blamed by saying they did not want to get involved in “drama between you two.”

Few know the cruelty and chaos that comes with ending a relationship with someone who is out for revenge, whether it be platonic, romantic, or familial. Those who have been through this experience understand all too well that this will be one of the most stressful times in your life. Knowing how to react will be the glue that keeps you together.

Following the steps below will not stop their behaviors, but they will provide the grounding necessary to help you survive the experience with your dignity and sanity intact:

1. Do. Not. Engage

This is essential. After hearing a constant stream of lies coming from the mouth of someone who once claimed to care for you, you may feel humiliated, exhausted, and even furious. As much as you are tempted to contact them to beg them to stop, fight back, or argue with them, you must not engage.

They are looking for a reaction and will inevitably use anything and everything you say, write, or post against you in their attempt to “prove” whatever they have claimed about you. Stay silent. If you feel you must react, write it down, and have a trusted friend available to call—or just speak it out loud to yourself when you are alone.

2. Pick Your Battles

Do not attempt to rebuke every allegation and lie. Decide what is worth your time and focus, and let the rest go. They are claiming you cheated on them? This will be impossible to disprove, so leave it alone. They called your employer or licensing board to make false allegations? This is likely worth your time and effort as it could affect your livelihood.

Even while defending yourself, keep the focus on disputing the untruths and not on the person doing the damage. Trying to prove your case by speaking ill of this person can have the unfortunate effect of making you also look vindictive. So, as difficult as it may be, keep the focus on the behaviors: “Yes, we ended the relationship recently, and they are quite angry. I assure you these complaints are false. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.”

Along these lines, I also recommend not referring to this person openly as a narcissist when communicating with third parties, such as employers or law enforcement, as this will reflect more poorly on you. Your best course of action is to avoid labels and let their actions speak for themselves. Eventually, others will see the patterns.

3. Know Your Truth

This one is important because there will be times when you will doubt yourself. It is inevitable that someone who has narcissistic traits will claim the victim role, so be prepared to hear through others about all of the ways you have harmed them, even if you know that these are exaggerated, embellished, or flat-out lies.

As they are unaware of their own projections, they will undoubtedly tell everyone that you are doing exactly what they did to you; they will believe this to be true despite all logic pointing otherwise. Therefore, if they are out for revenge on you, they may claim you are out to destroy them. If they are stalking you, they may claim you are stalking them.

Even more dangerous is the tendency of abusive people who have actual traits of narcissism to assign this diagnosis to their ex-partner, making themselves look like the victim. This is crucial for survivors to understand, as outsiders looking in often do not know who to believe.

4. Continue to Conduct Yourself Professionally at All Times

It is challenging not to react or to fight back, but it’s essential to conduct yourself professionally. Treat this person as you would a disgruntled customer or client: calm and firm, no emotional reaction.

I have developed a set of strategies that I share with my clients when they have to engage with a person who may be out to get them. I call it the “N.E.B. technique”: N for necessary, E for emotionless, and B for brief.

1. Ask yourself, “Is this communication or reply necessary?” A nasty text about how ugly you are? Ignore it. A text about childcare? This may warrant a reply.
2. Next, construct an emotionless reply. Imagine you are sending your message to the CEO of a major company—professional and concise with no emotion.
3. Lastly, make the reply brief. One or two sentences will usually suffice. I also recommend waiting about four hours before replying unless childcare or court orders state otherwise. This will allow you to reflect on your emotions and construct a professional and emotionless reply.

5. Decrease the Common Links

Unfortunately, Friday night D&D is no longer a good idea. Mutual friends may have to go, lest they become flying monkeys or informants to further inflict harm. If friends do not want to “choose sides,” make a choice for them. This is not a normal ending of a relationship, and keeping mutual friends can actually be dangerous.

Do not try to convince people that this person is abusive; simply wish them the best and move on. Ideally, they will eventually see what is going on. If not, they were not a true friend to begin with.

In her work with survivors of narcissistic abuse, Melanie Tonia Evans writes:

When we are triggered by the fear of what the narcissist may do, we react and try to expose the narcissist and frantically appeal to others to help us. Yet, people don’t want to get involved. They shut doors in our face, don’t listen, don’t care, switch off, and even turn against us.

And, you are shocked to see how the narcissist twists it all by making you out to be the wrong and crazy one. This can lead you to lose credibility, court settlements, and even your children.

Do not attempt to expose them or “prove” what they are doing to you. Focus on keeping yourself and your loved ones safe, happy, and healthy. Everything else will be exposed eventually.

References:

Evans, Melanie T. “How to Expose a Narcissist Without Looking like the Crazy One”. 9/2018. Accessed 1/17/2022.

Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS

Invisible Bruises

the article was originally published in psychologytoday

Gossip is an unconstrained and often derogatory conversation about other people and can involve betraying confidence and spreading sensitive information or hurtful judgments.

Research shows that people who gossip the most have very high levels of anxiety. They are generally not particularly popular because they cannot be trusted. Spreading private information or negative judgments is painful to others and reflects poorly on the gossiper.

Why Do People Gossip?

• To feel superior

People who don’t feel good about themselves temporarily feel better when they judge others negatively.

• Out of boredom

When people can’t generate interesting discussions based on knowledge or ideas, gossip can arouse people’s interest.

• Out of envy

People gossip in order to hurt those whose popularity, talents, or lifestyle they envy.

• To feel like part of the group

People gossip to feel as though they belong to the group. Yet, when acceptance is based on being “in on a secret,” it is not based on a person’s identity, but on exclusion or maliciousness.

• For attention

A person gets to be the center of attention temporarily while divulging a piece of gossip. Yet, spreading gossip or rumors is like buying attention; it’s temporary and has little foundation.

• Out of anger or unhappiness

A person can derive a sense of retribution with disparaging remarks.

Is It Always Wrong to Talk About Others?

Most people have a natural curiosity about what’s going on among people in the community. Some of the best books are biographies that tell the life stories of other people. However, the best biographies give the reader an understanding of the nuance and complexity of the person’s character through facts. They are not based on one-sided, offensive judgments of the person.

The key is to look at one’s intent in discussing other people and relationships.

Is the intent to understand human nature and improve one’s quality of life and relationships?

Or: Is the intent to temporarily feel superior or get attention by disparaging others?

Responses to Unwelcome Gossip:

Let’s suppose that somebody is gossiping mercilessly about Jane. It’s important not to feed the gossiper with curiosity, agreement and further questions. It’s best to simply change the subject. Here are some other possible responses:

“I notice that you talk about Jane a lot. I’m curious why she interests you so much?”

“Let’s take a look at it from Jane’s side.”

“I am more interested in what you are up to.”

“Let’s talk about something more positive or decide what we’re going to do this afternoon.”

“I feel uncomfortable listening to negative judgments about people unless we figure out how to help them.”

Conclusion

Gossiping shows others the gossiper’s insecurity and meanspiritedness. It also leaves everyone involved feeling as though they’ve just eaten a bad apple. Ultimately, insight into the intricacies of human relations and behavior is more interesting, uplifting, and enlightening than one-dimensional judgments and rumors.

Dr. Poulsen is on Medium

What are they ??

Ghosting, simmering, and icing are colloquial terms that describe the practice of suddenly ending all communication, avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation, and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate.

“When a person is ghosted, even if they try to reach out to the other person to either reconnect or receive closure, they are typically met with silence.”

Source: Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B. Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph1

 As you can see, it’s called ghosting because it involves someone essentially “vanishing” into thin air as if they were a ghost.

The term “ghosting” typically refers to a romantic relationship where contact unexpectedly ceases, but it can also apply to friendships and family relationships.

Signs of Ghosting

Ghosting is often apparent, but it can also be a gradual process. The other person might start by ‘soft ghosting,’ where they progressively minimize contact over some time. Some early signs that someone might be ghosting you include:

• “They frequently cancel plans to hang out, have a hard time committing, avoid sharing personal details, don’t want you to meet their loved ones, disappear from social media, seldom reply to your texts or calls, and their conversations lack depth, making them seem uninterested.”

Ghosting is a trait that can also happen on social media platforms. It refers to the act of cutting off all social media contact with another person without offering an explanation. This may involve unfriending, unfollowing, or even blocking the person on all social media platforms. In some instances, the person may even go as far as deactivating or deleting their social media accounts to prevent any form of contact

Though a new term, ghosting existed well before the digital age. “I think references of ‘going for a loaf of bread and never coming back’ are examples of ghosting,” says Bree Jenkins, LMFT, a dating coach in Los Angeles, Calif. “Ghosting used to be leaving a person and moving away or not leaving [them with] your contact information—its earlier origins are even the simple act of leaving a party or social gathering without notice and goodbyes.”

Why Do Some People Choose to Ghost?

Ghosting is often viewed as an immature or passive-aggressive way to end a relationship, and in some cases, it may even constitute emotional abuse.

There are two primary reasons why a person ghosts another, and often it’s a combination of the two.

It’s the Easy Route

The first reason why some people choose to ghost others is that they find it easier to avoid uncomfortable conversations about ending the relationship.

The person doing the ghosting often wants to avoid confrontation or dealing with someone else’s hurt feelings, so they simply cease all communication and hope the hint is delivered.

Option Overload and Fatigue

“Margaret Seide, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist based in New York City, explains that with internet dating, there are seemingly infinite choices as opposed to walking into a bar with limited options. Due to the large number of choices, online daters tend to quickly move on to the next potential match with an “OK, next” or “Yeah, but what else?” mindset. Although the person they are interacting with may be nice, they may not make the cut due to the fact that they are juggling multiple other people.

There are various reasons why people ghost, including fear of the other person’s reaction to rejection.

Feeling burned out can leave you drained, unmotivated, and overwhelmed — even when you’re doing your best to keep up. Many people experience burnout when daily demands exceed available energy for too long without enough rest or balance.

The good news is that resetting your energy doesn’t require drastic changes. Small, intentional self-help practices can restore balance, improve focus, and support everyday wellness over time.

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What Does Burnout Feel Like?

Burnout often shows up as:

• Persistent low energy
• Difficulty focusing
• Emotional exhaustion
• Feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks

Rather than a personal failure, burnout is often a signal to slow down and adjust routines in supportive ways.

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1. Slow Down to Reset Your Energy

One of the fastest ways to reset your energy is to pause intentionally. Brief moments of stillness help calm the nervous system and restore clarity.

Simple reset practices:

• Take 3–5 slow breaths before starting a task
• Pause for one minute between activities
• Sit quietly without screens for a few moments

Research shows that mindfulness-based pauses can reduce stress and support emotional balance .

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2. Use Gentle Movement to Reduce Fatigue

Movement doesn’t need to be intense to improve energy. Gentle activities such as walking, stretching, or yoga can reduce tension and improve circulation.

Benefits of gentle movement include:

• Improved mood
• Reduced physical stiffness
• Increased mental clarity

Even short walks or light stretching can help relieve burnout-related fatigue.

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3. Support Energy with Better Sleep Habits

Sleep plays a significant role in restoring energy levels. Creating a consistent bedtime routine helps regulate your body’s natural rhythms.

Energy-supporting sleep habits:

• Go to bed and wake up at the same time
• Reduce screen use before bedtime
• Create a calming nighttime ritual

Healthy sleep routines support daily energy and emotional resilience .

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4. Fuel Your Body for Steady Energy

Low energy is often linked to inconsistent nourishment. Eating balanced meals and staying hydrated can stabilize energy throughout the day.

Simple nutrition tips:

• Drink water regularly
• Choose whole foods when possible
• Include protein and fiber to avoid energy crashes

Balanced nutrition supports both physical and emotional well-being .

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5. Reduce Overwhelm with Boundaries and Routine

Burnout often comes from doing too much without enough structure or rest. Creating gentle boundaries protects your time and energy.

Examples include:

• Limiting after-hours work notifications
• Scheduling short breaks during the day
• Simplifying your daily task list

Research shows that routines and boundaries can reduce overwhelm and support sustainable energy levels .

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6. Reconnect with Joyful Activities

Burnout narrows focus to responsibilities only. Reintroducing small moments of joy helps restore emotional energy.

Joy-supporting activities include:

• Listening to music
• Spending time outdoors
• Creative hobbies
• Connecting with loved ones

Engaging in enjoyable activities improves overall well-being and motivation .

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7. Reflect and Adjust Gently

Burnout is often a sign that something needs adjustment. Reflection helps you notice what drains your energy — and what restores it.

Reflection questions:

What is one small change I can make this week?

What activities energize me most?

What drains my energy consistently?

Feeling burned out often means your energy has been stretched too thin for too long. Small changes like rest, routine, gentle movement, and boundaries can help reset energy and restore balance.

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Conclusion

Feeling burned out doesn’t mean something is wrong with you — it often means something in your routine needs support. By slowing down, nourishing your body, and creating gentle boundaries, you can begin restoring energy in a sustainable way.

Small steps taken consistently can make a meaningful difference.

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Disclaimer

Fitness Hacks For Life provides self-help and educational content for wellness and personal growth. This content is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional medical or mental health care.

This time of the year brings a lot of changes to the usual day-to-day life of hundreds of millions of people: The weather is colder, trees are naked, snowy days become plentiful and friendly critters are less visible around the neighborhood. Especially in the Western Hemisphere, this time of the year is also linked to a lot of joyous celebrations and traditions. Most children and many adults have been excited for this time of the year to come for months, and they love the aura of celebrations, with their gatherings, gifts, cookies, emails and cards.

Alas, there are also millions who have to deal with darker emotions as the world literally darkens around them.

The holiday blues – that feeling of being in a lower or more anxious mood amid the significant change in our environment and the multitude of stressors that the holidays can bring – is a phenomenon that is yet to be thoroughly researched. However, as academic psychiatrists and neuroscience researchers, we have seen how several factors contribute to this experience.

Why feel blue in the red and green season?

There are many reasons to feel stressed or even downright overwhelmed during this time of year, in addition to the expectations set around us.

Memories of holidays past, either fond or sad, can create a sense of loss this time of year. We may find ourselves missing people who are no longer with us, and carrying on the same traditions without them can be a strong reminder of their absence.

The sense of burden or obligation, both socially or financially, can be significant. We can get caught up in the commercial aspects of gift giving, wanting to find that perfect item for family and friends. Many set their sights on special gifts, and we often can feel stretched thin trying to find a balance between making our loved ones happy and keeping our bank accounts from being in the black.

It’s also a time for gathering with those close to us, which can stir up many emotions, both good and bad. Some may find themselves away from or without close connections and end up isolated and withdrawn, further disconnected from others. On the other hand, many people find themselves feeling overwhelmed by the combination of potlucks and Secret Santas stacking up through multiple invitations, be it at school, work, or from friends and family – leaving us with the difficult position of not wanting to disappoint others, while not getting totally depleted by all the constant socializing.

Great expectations

People often feel disappointed when reality does not meet expectations. The larger the mismatch, the worse the negative feelings. One of us (Arash) often finds himself telling his patients: Childhood fairy tales can set an unrealistic bar in our minds about life. I wish we were told more real stories, taking the bad with the good, as we would get hurt less when faced with difficult realities of life, and learn how to especially appreciate our good fortunes.

These days viewers are showered with Christmas and New Year’s Eve movies, almost all of which sound and feel like fairy tales. People get married, get rich, fall in love or reconnect with their loved ones. Even unhappy events within “A Christmas Carol” conclude with a happy ending. These all, besides exposure to only happy moments and beautiful gifts (courtesy of Santa), dazzling Christmas decorations, and picturesque family scenes on social media, often set an unrealistic expectation for how this time of the year “should” feel.

Reality is different, though, and at its best is not always as colorful. There may be disagreements about hows, wheres, whats and whos of the celebration, and not all family members, friends and relatives get along well at parties. And as we feel lonelier, we may find ourselves spending more time immersed in TV and social media, leading to more exposure to unrealistic views of the holidays and feeling all the worse about our situation.

When is blue a red flag?

While many experience the more transient “holiday blues” this time of year, it is important not to miss more serious conditions like seasonal mood changes, which in its most severe case leads to clinical depression, including Seasonal Affective Disorder. SAD consists of episodes of depression or a worsening of existing depression during the late fall and early winter. The person may feel depressed and hopeless, or they may find it difficult to focus, sleep, or be motivated – they can even feel suicidal. As our emotions can color our thoughts and memories, a depressed person may remember more negative memories, have a more negative perception and interpretation of the events, and feel upset about the holidays.

In such cases, the sadness is “coincident” with the holidays and not caused solely by its circumstances. It is important to seek professional help with SAD, as we have effective treatments available, such as medications and light therapy.

What to do to minimize the blues?

• Set realistic expectations: One readily available strategy is simply reframing the beliefs we have about what the holidays “should” be like. Not all parties will go perfectly. Some decorations may break, or kids may wake up grumpy or not be exhilarated by their gifts – but it doesn’t have to stop us from enjoying all the good moments.
• Set firm boundaries: Too many invitations to social events? Too many financial demands? Set clear limits about what you are able and willing to do, whether that means declining some social events and setting your own limit on spending this year, focusing more on meaningful experiences over expense. This can be spending time with loved ones or getting creative with homemade gifts.
• Feeling alone? There are many ways to steer clear of isolating this time of year. Reaching out to friends, volunteering at animal shelters, local charities or attending community meetups or religious events can be a great way to stay connected while also bringing happiness to ourselves and others.
• Making new memories: Starting a new tradition, either solo or with loved ones, can help create fond new memories of the holidays, no longer overshadowed by the past.
• Take care of yourself: It’s important to remember the value of self-care, including eating and drinking in moderation (as alcohol can worsen a depressed mood), exercising (even a short walk), and treating yourself this holiday season by doing something you enjoy.

While the holiday blues are most often temporary, it’s important to identify when things have crossed over into clinical depression, which is more severe and longer lasting. It also impairs daily functioning. For these symptoms it is often helpful and necessary to seek professional help. This can consist of counseling or use of medications, or both, to help treat symptoms.

Linda Saab, M.D. is a psychiatrist and Assistant Professor at Wayne State University Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences. She completed her psychiatry residency at the University of Michigan. As a clinical educator, she is especially interested in training resident physicians. In her clinical work, she uses pharmacotherapy, psychotherapy, and promoting healthy lifestyle habits. She treats all mental illness, with a special interest in anxiety and trauma related disorders.

Arash Javanbakht, M.D., is the director of the Stress, Trauma, and Anxiety Research Clinic (STARC; https://www.starclab.org) at Wayne State University. Dr Javanbakht and his work have been featured on the National Geographic, The Atlantic, CNN, Aljazeera, NPR, Washington Post, Smithsonian, PBS, American Psychiatric Association, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and tens of other media.