Nonconformity: When “Fun Facts” Are Red Flags

Key points

• After an act of violence, initially “interesting” facts can seem ominous in retrospect.
• People often reveal red flags by engaging in risky behavior.
• Another red flag: Rebellious individuals who refuse to conform to societal norms or laws.

For many people, modern living involves a desire for distinction. From the way they dress to the cars they drive, individuals dare to be different. True, interesting, offbeat details are often the main thing acquaintances remember after meeting someone new. Yet not all unusual proclivities are recalled as “fun facts”; some memorable details are disturbing and unsettling. And after an act of violence, initially “interesting” particulars are ominous in retrospect. When the desire to be different involves risk-taking and a dangerous disposition, individuality can be unpredictable and unnerving. Research illustrates this reality.

Source: Med Ahabchane/Pixabay

When Abnormal Is Alarming

In a world defined by hashtags, trends, and whatever constitutes “the new normal,” some people intentionally present themselves as abnormal. On the bright side, many people showcase unique traits and talents cultivated through life experiences and personal achievements, particularly stories of overcoming adversity, which make them memorable and likable. In a darker vein, some people share unsettling experiences of having been involved in past criminality or violence. Some demonstrate nonconformity by insisting upon living in the past and wallowing in grievance, which can be the first step along the pathway to targeted violence.[i]

In evaluating whether an unusual fact or circumstance is distinctive or dangerous, here are some guidelines for balancing personal traits with potential dangerousness.

Impulsive Nonconformity and Risk-Taking

Some red flags involve engaging in risky behavior. Parents don’t want their 16-year-old daughter to date a daredevil willing to “try anything.” Adults feel the same way about trusting acquaintances or colleagues who insist on “living on the edge” personally or professionally. Research corroborates these concerns.

Andrew Denovan et al. (2020) studied the link between schizotypy and risk-taking.[ii] The researchers define schizotypy, which has been linked with a variety of risky behaviors, as a “multidimensional psychopathology construct” comprising a mix of conditions, one of which is impulsive nonconformity. Investigating the interplay between schizotypy, urgency in the form of emotional impulsivity, and risk-taking, they found that impulsive nonconformity positively predicted risk-taking. Other conditions, such as cognitive disorganization and unusual experiences, indirectly affected risk-taking through urgency, which helped explain the schizotypy-risk relationship.

Reading Red Flags of Rebellion

In other cases, the common denominator separating the dangerous from the desirable is a matter of intention. People who showcase their creativity through nonconformity can make interesting conversation partners, party planners, or even paramours. Dangerous individuals, however, are more likely to embrace unconventionality in terms of refusing to conform to societal norms, resulting in disrespect for rules or laws and often vocal objection to those who do.

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When Unconventional Is Unstable and Unpredictable

When learning about new friends or prospective paramours, there is nothing wrong with being pleasantly surprised by interesting facts. But, although positive qualities might be unexpected, they should not be unpredictable. Distinctive qualities complement someone who is also perceived as truthful and trustworthy. The goal is to be a conversation starter and a walking talking point—not a ticking time bomb.

Even when you are initially amused by or even attracted to a distinctive individual, consider how and why he or she caught your attention, the motivation fueling the forced abnormality, in order to perceive the personality behind the nonconforming persona.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Red Flags, and co-author of Reading People.

Reprinted with permission

References

[i] Kupper, Julia, and J. Reid Meloy. 2021. “TRAP-18 Indicators Validated through the Forensic Linguistic Analysis of Targeted Violence Manifestos.” Journal of Threat Assessment and Management 8 (4): 174–99. doi:10.1037/tam0000165.

[ii] Donovan, Andrew, Neil Dagnall, and Lucy Monk. 2020. “Schizotypy and Risk-Taking Behaviour: The Contribution of Urgency.” Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment 42 (1): 1–12. doi:10.1007/s10862-019-09769-4.

Not Everyone will do Dry January. This one is for you.

Had One Too Many? 5 Smart Ways to Sober Up Fast

We’ve all been there: an evening with friends, a little too much fun, and suddenly, you need to sober up quickly. It’s a common scenario that, while often harmless, can sometimes lead to situations where quick sobriety is not just preferred but necessary.

1. Hydration: The Power of Water

Water is your best friend when it comes to sobering up. As Dr. Zehra Siddiqui, DO, medical director of Ryan Chlesea-Clinton, points out, “Alcohol dehydrates the body, which exacerbates the side effects of drinking.” Hydrating helps dilute the alcohol in your system and speeds up its elimination. Even better, try cutting your alcoholic beverages with carbonated water for a spritzer effect, which not only hydrates but also reduces your overall alcohol intake.

2. Carbonation: A Double-Edged Sword

While a fizzy drink might be refreshing, carbonation can be tricky. A study in 2007 showed that mixing alcohol with carbonated beverages can lead to faster absorption of alcohol in the body. So, if you’re trying to stay on the clearer side of tipsy, it might be best to avoid the bubbles.

3. Enzyme Tablets: The Future of Sobering Up?

Scientists are exploring innovative solutions to fast sobering. At UCLA, a team developed a capsule containing enzymes that mimic the liver’s alcohol-processing function. This treatment significantly decreased blood alcohol levels in mice, suggesting a potential future where a pill could offer a quick sobering effect.

4. Good Carbs: Your Alcohol Sponge

Bread and other high-carb foods can help soak up alcohol, but it’s not just about absorption. These foods can slow down the body’s absorption of alcohol, thus moderating intoxication levels. Dr. Siddiqui advises, “Eating a high-carb diet lowers the ratio of alcohol in your blood and slows absorption.” Meals rich in fats, proteins, or carbs delay gastric emptying, slowing down alcohol absorption.

5. The Clock: Patience is a Virtue

The body takes about an hour to process one standard drink. This means the more you drink, the longer it takes for the alcohol to leave your system. Understanding this can help manage your drinking pace and prevent overconsumption.

Sobering up quickly is often more about mitigating the effects of alcohol rather than eliminating them. The methods outlined here can help but are not a substitute for responsible drinking practices. Remember, the best way to avoid having to sober up fast is to drink responsibly in the first place.

References:

Reader’s Digest

There is no greater joy than being at peace. No, no, not death. The peace referred to in this context is a state of tranquility in your mind and body. Some of you reading this probably have jobs that stress you the hell out. You wake up so early in the morning to go to a job you might not even have a passion for, and you come back very late at night, stressed out and wanting nothing more than to lay down on that bed and sleep off because that is the only thing that can seem to bring you the comfort you so desire.

But what if there was another way? Wait! There is another way! I’ve tested it myself and I can say it absolutely works and perhaps the greatest advantage of making sure to keep fit and exercise is the healthiness that it will bring to your body and mind.

So, if you want to be like me, try out some of these smart fitness tips below and you can guarantee that your body and mind will never remain the same.

Start the day with a Healthy Breakfast:

I know this might be a little bit difficult considering your very busy schedule, but having a healthy breakfast before beginning the stress of the day is an absolute priority — which you can agree is underrated.

You see, your body needs certain nutrients to work efficiently. Feeding your body also feeds your mind, releasing certain ‘joyful’ chemicals in your brain. So, if you’re not getting breakfast filled with protein, fiber, carbohydrates, etc. You are successfully setting yourself up.

Get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day

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When I started exercising, I believed the best way to do it was to drill myself hard. So, I thought, “Yeah, 100 push-ups and 60 stomach crunches every day.” Believe me, this didn’t work out well. I never went past four days. The question is, why?

I soon came to realize it’s all about consistency. You don’t need to spend hours in a gym to get fit. You can start with as little as 30 minutes of exercise every day. Now, do that for two years, and you’ll notice remarkable changes in your body. But you won’t do that, will you? Do you want fast results? That, that will not work.

Interval Training:Fartleks

Fartleks offers a more relaxed approach to interval training. To begin a fartlek session, go outdoors and spend a few minutes warming up with your favorite activity, whether that’s walking, running, cycling, riding a unicycle, or snowshoeing. Next, choose a nearby landmark—anything from a tree to an eye-catching mailbox or an interesting rock formation. Increase your speed until you reach that point. Afterward, return to your initial pace to allow your heart rate and breathing to recover before selecting another landmark. Feel free to adjust the distance between these targets and aim for around 30 minutes of fartlek training once a week as a starting point.

Meditation

Studies have proven time and time again that meditation offers numerous benefits to both our body and mind. And no, it’s not just about sitting down and humming for about thirty minutes daily. It goes way beyond that, i.e., Mindfulness meditation.

Transform your exercise routine into an enjoyable outing. Find a buddy and go for a morning run or walk, then treat yourselves to a coffee or smoothie afterward. Alternatively, you could try yoga or join a group class— of Pilates, Zumba or Peleton Cycling.

The question of whether narcissists can experience genuine love has puzzled relationship experts, mental health professionals, and countless individuals who’ve found themselves entangled with narcissistic partners. The answer, as with most aspects of human psychology, is more nuanced than a simple yes or no.

Understanding Narcissism: A Spectrum, Not a Switch

Before examining whether narcissists can love, we need to understand that narcissism exists on a continuum. At one end are individuals with healthy self-confidence and occasional narcissistic traits—qualities most people display from time to time. At the other end lies Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinical diagnosis affecting approximately 0.5 to 5 percent of adults.

This distinction matters tremendously. Someone with narcissistic traits but not full NPD may be quite capable of forming loving, reciprocal relationships. However, those diagnosed with NPD face fundamental challenges that prevent them from experiencing love the way most people understand it.

The Narcissist’s Version of “Love”

When narcissists say “I love you,” they often mean something fundamentally different from what others mean. Mental health professionals describe narcissistic love as transactional, conditional, and ultimately self-serving. Rather than falling in love with an actual person—with all their complexities, flaws, and authentic qualities—narcissists become infatuated with an idealized fantasy of who they want their partner to be.

During the initial stages of a relationship, this can feel incredibly intense and intoxicating. The narcissist engages in what experts call “love bombing”: overwhelming displays of affection, constant attention, grand gestures, and declarations of finding their soulmate. This isn’t manipulation for manipulation’s sake—the narcissist genuinely believes they’ve found perfection. The problem is that they’ve fallen in love with their own projection, not with a real human being.

Why Narcissists Struggle with Genuine Love

The inability to truly love stems from several core deficits associated with NPD. The most significant barrier is a lack of empathy—the capacity to understand and share another person’s feelings. Empathy forms the foundation of authentic love, allowing us to care about someone else’s wellbeing as much as our own. Without it, relationships become fundamentally one-sided.

Narcissists also view relationships through a transactional lens. They see people as tools or objects that serve specific purposes: boosting self-esteem, providing admiration, enhancing their image, or meeting their needs. When someone no longer fulfills these functions adequately, they’re devalued or discarded. This utilitarian approach contradicts the essence of love, which values another person for who they are, not what they provide.

Additionally, narcissists struggle with emotional vulnerability. Genuine love requires the ability to be seen authentically, to admit mistakes, and to allow another person to matter enough that they could hurt us. For narcissists, who’ve often constructed elaborate defenses to protect a fragile ego, this level of vulnerability feels impossibly threatening.

The Relationship Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard

Understanding the typical narcissistic relationship pattern illuminates why these connections feel so confusing. The cycle typically unfolds in three stages.

The idealization phase begins with that intense love bombing. The narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal, showering them with attention and making them feel uniquely special. This phase can last weeks or months, creating powerful emotional bonds and setting expectations for how the relationship will continue.

Inevitably, reality intrudes. The partner reveals human flaws, has needs of their own, or fails to maintain the impossible standard of perfection the narcissist projected onto them. This triggers the devaluation phase, where criticism, contempt, and emotional withdrawal replace the earlier adoration. The partner finds themselves constantly trying to recapture that initial magic, unaware that it was always based on an illusion.

Finally, when the relationship no longer serves the narcissist’s needs, they move to the discard phase—sometimes abruptly ending things or emotionally checking out while maintaining the relationship’s shell.

Can Narcissists Change?

This question matters deeply to those hoping their narcissistic partner might somehow transform. While change is theoretically possible, it’s exceptionally rare for several reasons.

People with NPD rarely seek treatment voluntarily because the disorder prevents them from recognizing problems with their own behavior. They’re more likely to blame relationship failures on their partners’ inadequacies than examine their own patterns. Even when narcissists do enter therapy—often due to external pressure or consequences—the very traits that define NPD make therapeutic progress extremely difficult.

Treatment requires developing empathy, accepting responsibility, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, and working through deep-seated defense mechanisms built over decades. This demands sustained effort, humility, and genuine motivation to change—qualities that conflict with the narcissistic mindset.

Recognizing Your Reality

If you’re questioning whether your partner is capable of loving you, that question itself often reveals important truths. In healthy relationships, partners generally feel secure in their love, even during conflicts. The constant uncertainty, the feeling of walking on eggshells, the cycles of euphoria and devastation—these signal that something fundamental is amiss.

Some signs you may be in a relationship with a narcissist include feeling like you’re never quite good enough, having your reality constantly questioned or dismissed, experiencing extreme highs and lows with little middle ground, feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions and self-esteem, and finding that conversations always circle back to your partner’s needs and perspectives.

Moving Forward

Understanding that someone with NPD cannot love in the traditional sense isn’t about demonizing them. Many narcissists experienced developmental trauma or attachment disruptions that shaped their defensive patterns. However, compassion for their struggles doesn’t obligate you to remain in a relationship that damages your wellbeing.

If you recognize narcissistic patterns in your relationship, consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. They can help you understand the dynamics at play, establish healthy boundaries, and make informed decisions about your future.

The more important question might not be whether narcissists can love, but whether the kind of conditional, self-serving affection they offer meets your needs and supports your emotional health. You deserve a relationship where you’re valued for who you truly are, not who someone fantasizes you could be. That’s not negotiable, and it’s not asking too much—it’s the foundation of genuine love.

To many, New Year’s Day represents the possibility for beginning anew.

Of late, individuals are welcoming the start of another year with a resolution to practice mindfulness, a type of meditation. Many believe mindfulness will help them relax, lessen stress and anxiety, reduce chronic pain and generally improve the quality of their lives – and the research bears this out.

Over the past 40 years, mindfulness has become a popular meditation practice around the world. What began as a Buddhist practice for relieving suffering has been secularized and reframed as a modern science with very little connection to its Buddhist roots.

Based on the extensive research at universities showing meditation’s benefits, mindfulness is now practiced in schools, government offices, professional sports, prisons, police departments, and the military. Popular apps, including Headspace, Calm and Insight Timer, make it easy for anyone to access guided meditations.

Don’t let yourself be misled. Understand issues with help from expert

Businesses and corporations have taken note and often advise their workers to practice mindfulness to be more productive. Mindfulness has become so business friendly that it has been called a new “capitalist spirituality.”

I am a scholar of mindfulness, communication and ethics, as well as a longtime meditation teacher. For those who are considering practicing mindfulness this year, I want to return to the Buddhist roots of mindfulness in order to highlight one aspect of this practice that might be surprising and counterintuitive: Mindfulness means “remembering.”

Staying in the present moment

According to the Vietnamese Zen master, Buddhist monk, poet and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh, mindfulness is “the heart” of the Buddha’s teaching.

He defines mindfulness as a practice of “keeping one’s consciousness alive to the present reality.” The past is gone, and the future is not yet real. It is only in the present moment that we have any control or freedom.

In the ancient Indian language of Pali, the word now translated into English as “mindfulness” is “sati,” which is closely related to the verb “sarati,” “to remember.” But remembering, in this sense, does not mean dwelling on the past or ruminating over bygone events. It means “remembering to come back to the present moment.”

Our culture, which scholar Jenny Odell calls an “attention economy,” has transformed individual attention into a commodity to be bought and sold.

Much of contemporary life is designed to distract us from what is happening right here and right now. This is especially true of social media, which at its worst is a flood of distracting, disorienting content. Each day presents constant temptations to forget to be present and to lose ourselves in our screens.

Sometimes the hardest thing to remember is to be present. Mindfulness is therefore a practice of remembering to come back home to the now, when there are so many distractions and forces encouraging us to forget.

Remembering why you practice

In Buddhist traditions, mindfulness also means remembering why we practice meditation in the first place.

Originally, mindfulness was one of eight practices that the Buddha described to overcome suffering. Known today as the Noble Eightfold Path, these practices include right view, right thinking, right speech, right action, right diligence, right concentration, right mindfulness and right livelihood.

Though mindfulness is traditionally placed seventh in this list, Nhat Hanh suggested that it could be placed first, since mindfulness is required for every step along the path. Taken as a whole, these eight practices are designed to help people face their suffering, transform it and find joy in life.

According to Buddhist teachers, the reason to practice mindfulness is to overcome suffering in ourselves. The point of mindfulness is not to be more productive at work. The point is not just to relax, either. The point is personal transformation. By cultivating deep, unwavering, honest, openhearted attention, it becomes possible to look deeply at our suffering and to identify its causes.

Once the causes and conditions are identified, then we can work to transform them, so that we suffer less. The less we suffer, the easier it is to meet the present moment – and our lives – with open arms and without adding to the suffering in the world.

Perhaps, if we are sufficiently resolved, we can even relieve some of the world’s suffering.

Jeremy David Engels

I am a Liberal Arts Endowed Professor of Communication and a long-time meditation, mindfulness, and yoga scholar-teacher-practitioner

When your partner thinks of you as an accessory, not an intimate, you might be dealing with a narcissist wife.

Narcissists view partners not as people, but symbols of relational success.

There are ways to evaluate the pursuit of true love or self-love.

Narcissists reveal their true motives through how they define “quality time” with you.

Are you dating someone who can’t pass a mirror without sneaking a peak at a polished appearance, or never misses an opportunity to showcase accomplishments or achievements? If you suspect you are dating a narcissist, and especially if “date nights” consist of see-and-be-seen galas and functions instead of private time together, you might justifiably worry that your partner views you as an arm charm, not as an intimate.

Narcissists not only see current partners as trophies—as I have explained in a previous entry[i]—but keep trophies from past relationships. They keep inanimate objects associated with past relationships, not out of nostalgia but as symbols of relational success.[ii] If you suspect you are dating someone with narcissistic tendencies, does that mean you are a trophy, too? Research has some answers.

Source: Image by Living Frames from Pixabay

Narcissists Navigate Partner Value

Not everyone who displays self-centered tendencies is a narcissist—either practically or clinically. But dater beware: some charming and attractive people who display narcissistic tendencies may pursue partners not out of true love, but self-love.

Carrie Haslam and V. Tamara Montrose (2015) in an article entitled “Should Have Known Better”[iii] discuss the strength of female attraction to the narcissistic personality, including wanting to mate with and marry self-absorbed partners. They define narcissism as a member of The Dark Triad, a trio of problematic personality types which also includes Machiavellianism and psychopathy. More prevalent in men than women, they note that narcissism includes traits such as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feelings of entitlement, vanity, self-sufficiency, and manipulation. They note that narcissists rank high in extraversion but low in agreeableness, which might contribute to how most of us perceive such individuals: flashy and fun at first impression, but bad news in the long term.

Haslam and Montrose explain that despite the negative qualities, narcissistic men also possess qualities linked with higher status and the ability to provide resources—traits that are desirable in both short and long-term mating scenarios. They also explain how narcissists choose partners.

Competing for the Trophy

In addition to reproductive benefits, narcissistic men select partners who will make them look good. Haslam and Montrose note that narcissists are attracted to individuals with high social status who can provide image enhancement by association. Combined with a lack of relational commitment, this desire to accessorize through attractive partners can create a scenario where narcissistic individuals are constantly looking for relational alternatives who are more attractive or higher in status.

In contemplating whether your partner pursued you out of love, attraction, or self-enhancement, here are a few factors to consider.

How to Evaluate Whether You Are a Partner or an Arm Charm?

Consider whether your paramour seeks to spend quality time with you or is more interested in showing you off. Healthy relationships are characterized by a desire to enjoy private time with a special person, not display a partner as a public symbol of success. If date nights consistently involve dinners at crowded, trendy restaurants or gala functions with paparazzi snapping photos for the local society column, you can justifiably conclude that motive matters.

Also, consider how your partner articulates your positive traits. Does he compliment you on your compassion or clothing? Your sensitivity or sense of style? Narcissists demonstrate they do not value you as a personal package if they are only focused on the shiny wrapping and bow, preferring flash over substance. Although you may be flattered by their positive attention, consider the motives behind the admiration.

One of the biggest and most obvious red flags is that a narcissist who sees you as a prize, not a person, is unlikely to express interest in learning about you. That means asking few if any personal questions, preferring superficial over serious. It is best to recognize the narcissistic personality sooner rather than later, to shake off the rose-colored glasses to see your way clearly to finding a relational alternative that values you as an individual, not an accessory.

References:

Reference-1

[ii] Niemyjska, Aleksandra, Róża Bazińska, and Krystyna Drat-Ruszczak. 2020. “Hunting Lovers: Narcissists Keep Trophies from Their Past Relationships.” Personality and Individual Differences 163 (September). doi:10.1016/j.paid.2020.110060.

[iii] Haslam, Carrie, and V. Tamara Montrose. 2015. “Should Have Known Better: The Impact of Mating Experience and the Desire for Marriage upon Attraction to the Narcissistic Personality.” Personality and Individual Differences 82 (August): 188–92. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.03.032.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.