Research reveals why so many people love those who love themselves.
Who chooses narcissistic romantic partners? People who value the narcissist for his or her positive qualities. If you are asking yourself, “What positive qualities?” remember that value is in the eye of the beholder: Narcissists are often good-looking, exciting, charming, and in possession of both status and resources — making them attractive prospects for both short and long-term relationships.
Yes, in relationships dating a narcissist, the negatives usually will eventually outweigh the positives. Yet in an effort to make smart relational choices, it is important to recognize what types of qualities cause people to become involved with a narcissist in the first place, if just in order to put the brakes on a relationship that is heavy on flash, but light on substance.
In “Who is open to a narcissistic romantic partner?” (2015), Grosz et al. examined which types of people are attracted to narcissists as both short and long-term romantic partners.[i]
They found that people high in sensation-seeking are attracted to those high in narcissistic admiration, defined as “a self-enhancing interpersonal strategy aimed at acquiring social adulation by charm and assertiveness.”
They also found that participants were attracted to individuals with a similar level of narcissism — a finding replicated in other research.
2. The Seduction of Similarity
As birds of a feather flock together, narcissistic men look good to narcissistic women. Research by Lyons and Blanchard (2016) investigated whether women with Dark Triad traits preferred men with the same traits.[ii] After completing a questionnaire measuring their own Dark Triad traits, women participants observed the faces of men exhibiting characteristics of all three Dark Triad personality traits (psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism). They found that narcissistic women were attracted to narcissistic male faces for long-term relationships.
The researchers noted this was a surprising result, given the fact that narcissism is the Dark Triad trait most strongly associated with short-term mating interests, and narcissistic women show less relational commitment.
While more research will no doubt clarify these findings, Lyons and Blanchard concluded that while Dark Triad faces are generally considered aversive, narcissistic women found narcissistic male faces less aversive when considering long-term relationships.
3. Lack of Great Expectations
Healthy relationships involve an investment of time, attention, and emotion. Narcissistic relationships don’t. Perhaps that is why, at least in the short term, they might work out. Grosz et al. found support for the theory that narcissists attract each other. They note this finding is in line with prior research, which explains that narcissists expect lower amounts of care and warmth from a partner than non-narcissists.
4. The Narcissist’s Short-Term Appeal: Beauty and Boldness
Research by Dufner et al. entitled “Are Narcissists Sexy?” (2013) found that narcissists are considered to be attractive short-term partners.[iii] They found that the mate appeal of narcissists stems from their physical attractiveness and their social boldness — defined as displays of characteristics such as charm, charisma, and confidence.
Yet the explanation is not as simple as just enjoying a narcissist’s company. Dufner et al. found that narcissism is tied to high mate appeal, not friend appeal. They found that even when a narcissist’s negative characteristics are known, they are still viewed as romantically desirable.
5. The Narcissist’s Long-Term Appeal: Resources and Status
In “Should have known better” (2015), Haslam and Montrose found that women with more mating experience and women who wanted to get married were more attracted to narcissistic males.[iv] They explain that narcissism, despite its negative manifestations, has certain qualities linked with resource provision and status — which are desirable in both short and long-term relationships.
Haslam and Montrose recognize this result as problematic, given that narcissistic males are more interested in short-term relationships and are generally unsuitable long-term partners. Yet they also note that many of the factors that render narcissistic males poor marriage material are not immediately evident.
Relational Qualities Are Not Equal
Although narcissists are appealing in some ways, they tend not to be relationship material in the ways that count the most. Healthy relationships contain warmth, stability, and sincerity. Understanding a narcissist’s superficial appeal may provide a much-needed reality check to avoid mistaking flash for substance.
References
[i] Michael P. Grosz, Michael Dufner, Mitja D. Back, and Jaap J.A. Denissen, ”Who is open to a narcissistic romantic partner? The roles of sensation seeking, trait anxiety, and similarity,” Journal of Research in Personality 58, 2015, 84-95.
[ii] Minna Lyons and Alyson Blanchard, ””I could see, in the depth of his eyes, my own beauty reflected””: Women´s assortative preference for narcissistic, but not for Machiavellian or psychopathic male faces,” Personality and Individual Differences 97, 2016, 40-44.
[iii] Michael Dufner, John F. Rautmann, Anna Z. Czarna, and Jaap J.A. Denissen, ”Are Narcissists Sexy? Zeroing in on the Effect of Narcissism on Short-Term Mate Appeal,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 39, no. 7, 2013, 870-882.
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