Protect Your Peace Without Losing Yourself

The holidays are often portrayed as a time of joy, laughter, and family traditions. But for many people, holiday gatherings can also bring anxiety, tension, and difficult interactions with toxic family members. Whether you’re dealing with criticism, manipulation, guilt trips, or emotional abuse, you have the right to protect your mental well-being.

Here are practical, therapist-informed strategies to help you navigate holiday gatherings while maintaining your peace.

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1. Set Realistic Expectations

Not every family gathering will be picture-perfect. Accepting that some relatives may not change can help reduce disappointment.

Instead of hoping someone suddenly becomes kind or respectful, focus on controlling your own reactions.

“You can’t control someone else’s behavior, but you can control how you respond.”

Research shows that adjusting expectations can reduce stress and improve emotional resilience.¹

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2. Set Boundaries Before You Arrive

Think about what topics or behaviors you won’t tolerate.

Examples:

• Politics
• Your relationships
• Your weight or appearance
• Parenting choices
• Career or finances

Simple responses include:

• “I’d rather not discuss that today.”
• “Let’s change the subject.”
• “I’m here to enjoy the holiday.”

Healthy boundaries are associated with better emotional well-being and healthier relationships.²

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3. Don’t Take the Bait

Some toxic people intentionally provoke emotional reactions.

Instead of arguing:

• Stay calm.
• Keep answers brief.
• Avoid defending yourself.
• Change the topic.
• Walk away if necessary.

This is similar to the “gray rock” approach—remaining emotionally neutral so conflict doesn’t escalate.

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4. Give Yourself Permission to Leave

You are not required to stay in an unhealthy environment.

It’s okay to:

• Leave early.
• Take a walk.
• Drive separately.
• Step outside for fresh air.
• Skip the gathering entirely if it’s harmful.

Protecting your mental health is not selfish.

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5. Have a Safe Person

Identify one supportive family member or friend before the gathering.

Check in with them if conversations become overwhelming.

Even having one emotionally safe connection can reduce stress during difficult situations.

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6. Practice Grounding Techniques

If anxiety starts rising:

Try the 5-4-3-2-1 Method

Notice:

• 5 things you see
• 4 things you can touch
• 3 things you hear
• 2 things you smell
• 1 thing you taste

Grounding techniques are commonly recommended to reduce acute stress and anxiety symptoms.³

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7. Remember: “No” Is a Complete Sentence

You don’t owe lengthy explanations.

Examples:

• No, thank you.
• I’m not comfortable with that.
• That doesn’t work for me.

Short, respectful responses often end conversations more effectively than over-explaining.

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8. Limit Alcohol if Family Conflict Is Likely

Alcohol can increase emotional reactions and make conflict harder to manage.

Staying hydrated and limiting alcohol may help you think clearly and respond calmly.

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9. Focus on the People Who Bring You Peace

Spend more time with supportive relatives.

Play with children.

Help in the kitchen.

Take photos.

Create positive memories instead of dwelling on difficult interactions.

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10. Give Yourself Grace Afterward

It’s normal to feel emotionally drained after spending time with toxic family members.

After the gathering:

• Journal your thoughts.
• Go for a walk.
• Meditate.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Reach out to someone supportive.
• Consider speaking with a mental health professional if family interactions are consistently harmful.

Self-care isn’t a luxury—it’s an important part of emotional recovery.

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Final Thoughts

You cannot control how others behave, but you can protect your peace.

This holiday season, remember:

✔ Set boundaries.

✔ Stay calm.

✔ Prioritize your well-being.

✔ Leave if necessary.

✔ Choose peace over proving a point.

Your mental health matters every day of the year—not just during the holidays.

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References

1. American Psychological Association. Stress effects on the body and healthy coping strategies.
2. National Alliance on Mental Illness. Setting healthy boundaries and maintaining emotional wellness.
3. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Trauma-informed grounding techniques and coping strategies.

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Understanding the mechanisms behind manipulation — and how to rebuild trust in yourself

FitnessHacksForLife.org is a wellness education community, not a group of licensed psychologists or clinicians. This article is for informational and educational purposes only. If you’re processing narcissistic abuse or a difficult relationship, TheraConnect can help you find a licensed therapist or mental health professional near you.

Your instincts exist for a reason. That flicker of unease when something feels “off,” the hesitation before trusting someone too quickly, the quiet voice that says pay attention—these are protective systems built from experience, pattern recognition, and self-preservation. They’re supposed to be one of your first lines of defense.

So why do so many people who’ve been through narcissistic abuse say the same thing afterward: “I knew something was wrong, but I ignored it”?

The truth is, narcissistic manipulation isn’t just about lying or controlling behavior. It’s specifically designed—often unconsciously, sometimes very deliberately—to disable the exact instincts that would normally protect you. Here’s how that happens.

Love Bombing Floods the System

Instincts work best when they have time to process information. Narcissistic relationships rarely give you that time.

In the early stages, you’re met with intense attention, flattery, affection, and a sense of being “special” faster than feels normal. This is by design. Love bombing overwhelms the analytical, cautious part of your brain with validation before it has a chance to notice red flags.^¹ Your instincts might whisper this is moving too fast—but the emotional high is louder, and it’s engineered to be.

Gaslighting Erodes Self-Trust Directly

This is the most direct assault on your instincts: being told, repeatedly, that what you observed didn’t happen, what you felt wasn’t real, or that you’re “too sensitive,” “too dramatic,” or “remembering it wrong.”

Gaslighting doesn’t just distort a single memory. Over time, it teaches you not to trust your own perception at all.^² If your instincts are consistently contradicted by someone you’re emotionally invested in, you start to believe the instinct is the problem—not the situation it was warning you about.

Intermittent Reinforcement Keeps You Off-Balance

Predictable bad behavior is easy to react to. Unpredictable behavior—warmth one day, coldness the next, an apology followed by blame—keeps your nervous system in a constant state of trying to figure out the pattern instead of trusting your gut about the person.

This is the same mechanism behind why variable reward schedules are so powerfully habit-forming.^³ When you never know which version of someone you’re going to get, your brain becomes focused on decoding them rather than protecting you from them.

DARVO Turns Your Instincts Against You

DARVO—Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender—is a documented response pattern when someone is confronted about harmful behavior, even gently.^⁴ Point out something hurtful, and suddenly you’re the one being accused of being hurtful, controlling, or unstable.

This reversal is disorienting on purpose. Instead of your instinct being validated (“yes, that behavior was wrong”), it gets redirected into self-doubt and guilt. You end up defending yourself instead of trusting what you noticed in the first place.

Isolation Removes Your Outside Reference Points

Instincts are reinforced by other people. A friend who says “that doesn’t sound okay,” a family member who notices you seem different—these outside perspectives help confirm what your gut is already telling you.

Narcissistic relationships often involve slow isolation from those exact people, whether through subtle discouragement, manufactured conflict, or simply monopolizing your time and energy. Isolation is a well-recognized tactic in patterns of coercive control.^⁵ Without outside reference points, your instincts have nothing to be validated against, and they get easier to dismiss.

Rebuilding Trust in Your Instincts

If this pattern sounds familiar, the goal isn’t to blame yourself for not “listening” sooner. Your instincts weren’t wrong—they were actively being worked against, often by someone skilled at doing exactly that. Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, and it starts with a few consistent practices:

• Write things down. Real-time notes are harder to gaslight than memory alone. If you write down what happened when it happened, you have a record that isn’t up for debate later.
• Reconnect with outside perspectives. Talk to people who knew you before, or bring in a therapist who can offer an outside read on situations without the emotional entanglement.
• Notice the pattern, not just the moment. A single confusing interaction can be explained away. A repeating pattern is much harder to rationalize.
• Practice trusting small instincts first. Rebuilding self-trust doesn’t have to start with the big decisions. Start with small gut calls and notice when you’re right.
• Give yourself permission to be uncertain. You don’t have to have full clarity to take a step back. “Something feels off” is a legitimate reason to slow down, even before you can explain why.

The Bottom Line

Your instincts didn’t fail you. They were working exactly as designed—which is precisely why they had to be systematically undermined for the manipulation to work. Recognizing how that happened is often the first step toward trusting yourself again.

If you’re ready to talk to someone, TheraConnect connects you with licensed therapists and mental health professionals who specialize in relationship trauma and recovery—built by the same community behind FitnessHacksForLife.org.

References

1. Coercive control and idealization tactics in early-stage relationship manipulation are documented in research on coercive control, including Evan Stark’s Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life (Oxford University Press, 2007).

2. American Psychological Association, APA Dictionary of Psychology, entry: “gaslighting” — dictionary.apa.org/gaslighting

3. Ferster, C.B. & Skinner, B.F. (1957). Schedules of Reinforcement. Appleton-Century-Crofts.

How to give and get respect in negotiations

Key points

• Respect—giving and getting—is an important factor in negotiations and produces best outcomes.
• Too often children and the elderly are not accorded the respect they deserve.
• Seeing negotiation as competition limits possibilities for good outcomes.

Source: Ilyasick/Pexels

Respect is an important element of negotiation. It’s important to give respect—and to earn it.

At the outset, it is worth noting that the word “respect” is often misused, as in having “grudging respect” for someone. Grudging respect is usually fear-based at its core. When people comply, obey, or demur out of fear, that is not actually respect, and it is definitely not a healthy basis for negotiations in a relationship (whether personal or professional). When people try to exert power over another (as opposed to power with another), even when successful, there is no earned respect and, therefore, no strong foundation for effective negotiation or superior outcomes.

Having said that, it is possible to respect someone’s achievements without liking how they got there. It is also possible to respect someone’s achievements and the process and still not like the person.

Respect is recognizing someone else’s humanity or personhood. It is seeking to listen to and understand the other person. It is ensuring one does not see other people as mere means to an end. Many think this is tricky in negotiation, but such a view likely stems from a win-lose, zero-sum approach to negotiation as opposed to a collaborative, principled, and integrative approach.

A fixed-mindset approach to negotiations can interfere with the ability to bring the requisite level of respect to the table and so interfere with one’s ability to get better buy-in and better outcomes. People often take such an approach based on widely accepted conditioning and myths about negotiation. These myths include the idea that negotiation is a competition, that successful negotiations are all about toughness ,and that one ought never cede any ground. None of these myths hold any truth.

Self-protection is another key source of interference in one’s ability to give (and so receive) respect in negotiation relationships. When operating from self-protective mode as opposed to self-leadership, people are less able to present the best version of themselves and show respect to other party.

There are many scenarios in which people struggle with respecting the other party in a negotiation, whether consciously or unconsciously. It is worth exploring some to raise one’s intentionality about incorporating respect as a foundation in all one’s negotiations.

Dealing with Children

In negotiating with children, many people do not truly listen or seek to understand and meet the needs of the child. Many do not drop all distractions, give undivided attention, or listen without interrupting or interjecting opinions, suggestions, or interpretations.

Many people tend to exert power over children rather than seek to establish power with them. Adults tend to assume they know best. Such a lack of respect can make children feel unvalued, unimportant, or “less than’”. It also interferes with the ability to come to mutually superior solutions. Perhaps most important, if not giving respect, one is not likely to earn authentic respect. It is important to be intentional about bringing respect to all discussions when negotiating in relationships with children.

This approach becomes even more challenging as children transition into adulthood. For parents, letting go can be difficult. When there is resistance to that, many fail to give the much-needed respect to ensure self-esteem and ability to grow in healthy ways (in their relationship with parents and beyond).

Fears, hopes, and dreams drive the urge to interfere, overwhelm, and smother when what’s needed is a pause, a deep breath, and a perspective shift. When a child’s viewpoint is valued and respected, there is more likely to be reciprocal respect.

Dealing with the Elderly

The challenges of transition as kids grow into adults are echoed in dealing with elderly people. Many tend to drop the ball in negotiating a relationship with aging parents (or other seniors) as well. This often stems from fear. It can be difficult to see once seemingly all-knowing and powerful parents decline, and many people respond by imposing personal views. After a lifetime of contribution, respect is deserved.

Dealing with Coworkers

In the workplace, as coworkers grow, develop, and transition to next levels, it can be difficult to accommodate such changes. Many continue to treat former subordinates as underlings and, in so doing, disrespect them and damage the relationship in the process.

Dealing with Mental Health Issues

It is important to consider how much respect is due to people with mental health issues. Too often,, a dismissive, disrespectful approach is often taken in such situations. It is important to give respect and trust, attend to verbal and nonverbal communication, and be intentional about understanding the issue(s) from the other person’s perspective. It is important not to try to “help” by exerting power over them.

In any negotiation, whether personal or professional, it is important to remember to give respect, and it will be reciprocated. In so doing, better outcomes can be achieved with corresponding better relationships and buy-in.

About the Author

Cindy Watson, B.A., LLB, JD, is the founder of Women On Purpose and creator of Art of Feminine Negotiation programs. She’s an international speaker, award-winning author, master negotiator, and world-class empowerment coach/consultant.

Online:

 Women On Purpose, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

Female narcissists can be destructive and abusive in relationships.

Posted June 26, 2021 |  Reviewed by Vanessa Lancaster

THE BASICS

• Why Relationships Matter
• Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Dear Female Narcissists and Manipulators,

I am the woman who will come after you. Make no mistake. I am not your runner-up or the consolation prize. I am in a league all my own–not your pinch hitter or relief pitcher. I’m not holding your spot in line. I may not have created this path of destruction, but I am, however, the woman who will have to help clean up the mess. You most likely left a good person; after all, why would they have stayed so long and tried so hard to make your “relationship” work?

Look, I get it. The end of a relationship is never easy. Whether you have been with someone six months or sixteen years, ending a relationship is painful and unsettling. I have been through many relationships and experienced heartbreak. Although narcissists such as yourself cannot feel true love, you may be feeling pain and confusion.

This isn’t grief you are feeling at losing a good person. What you are feeling is anger at such a horrible inconvenience. Your personal sideline cheerleader, purse-holder, coat-fetcher, scapegoat, punching bag, house cleaner, babysitter, nanny, chef, bill payer, bank account, ego booster, valet service, or other-service-provider is now gone. You aren’t losing a best friend, partner, or lover: you are losing a supply of service. Don’t confuse your demanded entitlement for feelings of love for another.

The man you abused? He served a purpose for you.

And yes, I use the word “abused.” Society tends to forget that men can be abused just as easily and frequently as women. Women can be abusers, and men can be victims. You may have professed to love this man, but really you were using him.

You probably got to check off all the boxes on society’s to-do list: girlfriend, fiancé, wife, mother, but this may not have fulfilled you. So, you took your self-hatred and bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem out on him through name-calling and projection.

Narcissists and manipulators are just overgrown, schoolyard bullies. They feel bad about themselves, so they attack other people. But unlike immature children, grown-up bullies hide their cruelness behind a shiny veneer that other people fall for. The inhumanity of a narcissist is covered by talent and lies. Who would believe this mild-mannered, smiling, doting mother would also be the one screaming at her husband (behind closed doors, of course) that he was a horrible father and poor excuse for a human?

I am the woman who will come after you. I will be the one dealing with the repercussions of the legal paperwork, custody disputes, and money wrangling. I will be the one watching and standing helplessly by as your constant attacks tear down this man who struggled to build his life up from scratch. I will be the one who will try every day to convince him that there really is love and goodness in this world, that I don’t want anything from him, and that I am not going to pull the rug out from under him.

Your purpose was destruction; mine is growth and healing. Unfortunately, the path to healing runs parallel to and often intersects with trauma. It’s going to take a long time, but luckily, my stubbornness is tempered with understanding.

I know I am also going to have to deal with your manipulation. You probably have my phone number saved, my email address in your outbox, my social media profile cued up to stalk every single day. Once your attacks wear my man down, you will turn your vitriol onto me; I’m expecting it. You will take messages out of context; you will attempt to seduce him; you will use the children as weapons or pawns to turn me into the villain of the story. Eventually, people will see that the true villain is you.

Chances are you are an excellent actress. You can easily switch between demon and angel, good cop and bad cop, Jekyll and Hyde. Your masks are interchangeable and so quick to fool others, your ex included. This confuses your ex-partner, and you capitalize on that. Making empty promises to “work together for the kids” or claiming you will change for the better (with your fingers crossed behind your back) reminding him of the woman he fell in love with. All that does is make him vulnerable for feeding into your unrelenting cycle of destruction.

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You don’t love him; you love the joy that comes from his pain and how you benefit from it. But, unfortunately, you probably have everyone else fooled, too. People probably believe that he was the one cheating, he was the one screaming at you, he was the one making your life a living hell. Crocodile tears are beneficial when creating a narrative of the wronged, long-suffering wife; who would believe you were the one doling out the insults and projecting your self-hatred onto him?

I am the woman who is everything you cannot be, and so I know you will try and break me, too. So please, save us all some time and find a new supplier who will fill all those needy spots your ex once did.

Cash in your chips. Call it a loss. Walk away from the table when your hand comes up as losing. Then, go ahead and weave a sad story that makes you the damsel in distress and not the bitter queen; you will find someone else to believe you and fall under your spell.

I am the woman who will come after you. I am the woman that will cause the man you broke to forget you. I am the woman who will enjoy the man when he wakes up as the person he was always meant to be, and you attempted to ruin. One day, you will fade from his memory. I might not stay with him forever, or I may be his great love; either way, I was the one who ripped off your mask.

Sincerely,

The Woman After You

About the Author

Kristy Lee Parkin is a licensed funeral director, certified life coach, and adjunct faculty member at Syracuse University.

Online:

 Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram

Meeting people online has become more common than ever, but unfortunately, so have online scams. Catfishing occurs when someone creates a fake identity to deceive others, often with the goal of gaining trust, emotional attachment, or financial support.

If something doesn’t feel right, there are several legitimate ways to verify whether someone is who they claim to be.

1. Reverse Phone Lookup

One of the most effective ways to verify someone’s identity is by using a reverse phone lookup service.

Simply enter the phone number into a reputable public records search tool. These services search publicly available information and may uncover:

• The owner’s name
• Current and previous addresses
• Associated email addresses
• Social media profiles
• Other publicly available records

If the information doesn’t match what the person has told you, it could be a warning sign that they are not being honest.

2. Reverse Image Search

If you’re unsure whether someone’s profile photos are genuine, perform a reverse image search.

Free tools like Google Images allow you to upload a photo or paste an image URL to search the web for matching images.

A reverse image search may reveal:

• The same photo being used under another person’s name
• Images copied from modeling websites
• Photos taken from social media accounts
• Stock photography or other publicly available images

Finding the same image attached to multiple identities is a major red flag.

3. Background Checks

If you believe you’ve identified the person’s real identity, a background check service can help verify publicly available information.

Depending on the provider, these reports may include:

• Address history
• Contact information
• Social media accounts
• Public records
• Court records (where legally available)
• Other publicly accessible information

These reports can help confirm whether the person you’ve been talking to actually exists and whether their story is consistent.

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How to Do Your Own Catfish Investigation

If you’ve been communicating with someone online and have concerns about their identity, follow these steps:

Step 1: Search Their Phone Number

Use a reputable reverse phone lookup service.

Compare the results with the information they’ve shared with you.

Step 2: Search Their Photos

Upload their profile photos to Google Images or another reverse image search tool.

Look for identical images attached to different names or accounts.

Step 3: Verify Their Social Presence

Review their social media accounts.

Ask yourself:

• Do they have years of activity?
• Do they interact with real people?
• Are comments authentic?
• Are tagged photos consistent?
• Do friends and family appear genuine?

Fake accounts often have very little history and limited interaction.

Step 4: Cross-Check Their Story

Compare details such as:

• Where they live
• Their occupation
• Schools attended
• Places they’ve traveled
• Family members
• Other public information

Major inconsistencies may indicate deception.

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Common Signs of a Catfish

While not every online relationship is fraudulent, these warning signs should make you cautious:

• They always have an excuse for avoiding video calls.
• They refuse to meet in person.
• They quickly profess love or intense feelings (love bombing).
• They ask for money, gift cards, cryptocurrency, or financial assistance.
• They ask for sensitive personal information.
• Their stories frequently change.
• Their phone number, photos, or social profiles don’t match.

If several of these signs are present, it’s worth slowing down and verifying who you’re communicating with.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Can I catch a catfish using Google?

Google can help by allowing you to search names, email addresses, and images. However, experienced scammers often hide their digital footprint, so multiple verification methods are usually more effective.

What is a reverse phone lookup?

A reverse phone lookup searches publicly available records associated with a phone number and may reveal names, addresses, email addresses, or related profiles.

Is a reverse image search free?

Yes. Google Images and several other online tools offer free reverse image searches that can help determine whether a photo has been copied from another source.

What should I do if I think I’m talking to a catfish?

Stop sharing personal information immediately. Avoid sending money or financial details, save screenshots of conversations, block the individual if necessary, and report the account to the platform where you met them. If you’ve already shared financial information or sent money, contact your financial institution as soon as possible.

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Stay Safe Online

Most people you meet online are genuine, but taking a few minutes to verify someone’s identity can protect you from emotional distress, identity theft, and financial scams.

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, slow down, ask questions, verify the information, and never feel pressured to send money or share sensitive personal details. A little caution today can save you significant time, money, and heartache in the future.

A good night’s sleep does more than help you feel refreshed in the morning. Quality sleep supports your mental well-being, improves concentration, strengthens emotional resilience, and helps your body recover from the day.

Unfortunately, many people struggle to fall asleep or wake up feeling rested. Busy schedules, stress, screen time, and inconsistent routines can all interfere with healthy sleep.

The good news is that small changes to your evening routine can make a meaningful difference.

A Simple Nighttime Routine

One popular sleep strategy encourages creating healthy habits before bedtime by gradually preparing both your mind and body for sleep.

Consider incorporating these habits into your evening:

Limit Caffeine Earlier in the Day

Caffeine can remain in your system for several hours. If you’re sensitive to caffeine, try avoiding coffee, energy drinks, or caffeinated sodas later in the day to give your body time to wind down naturally.

Avoid Late-Night Meals and Alcohol

Eating heavy meals or drinking alcohol close to bedtime may interfere with restful sleep. Giving your digestive system time to settle before bed can help many people sleep more comfortably.

Reduce Screen Time Before Bed

Phones, tablets, televisions, and computers can keep your brain alert when it’s trying to relax. Consider putting screens away about an hour before bedtime and replacing them with a calming activity.

Create a Relaxing Bedtime Routine

Instead of scrolling through social media, try:

• Reading a book
• Gentle stretching
• Meditation
• Deep breathing
• Journaling
• Listening to calming music

These habits signal to your brain that it’s time to rest.

Wake Up at the Same Time Each Day

Keeping a consistent wake-up time—even on weekends—can help regulate your body’s natural sleep cycle.

Why Sleep Matters for Mental Wellness

Sleep and mental health are closely connected.

When you’re consistently well rested, you may notice improvements in:

• Mood
• Focus
• Memory
• Stress management
• Emotional regulation
• Energy levels

Poor sleep, on the other hand, can make everyday challenges feel more overwhelming and may contribute to increased stress and anxiety.

Build Better Sleep Habits Gradually

You don’t have to change everything overnight.

Choose one or two habits to practice consistently for a week, then add another. Small, sustainable changes often lead to lasting improvements.

Remember, progress is more important than perfection.

When Sleep Problems Continue

Occasional restless nights are normal, but ongoing sleep difficulties deserve attention.

If trouble sleeping is affecting your work, relationships, or emotional well-being, it may be helpful to speak with a qualified healthcare or mental health professional. Persistent sleep concerns can sometimes be connected to stress, anxiety, depression, or other underlying conditions.

You’re Not Alone

At Fitness Hacks For Life, our mission is to provide free mental wellness education and practical resources that help people live healthier, more balanced lives.

If self-help strategies aren’t enough and you’re looking for professional support, visit our sister site, TheraConnect, where you can connect with qualified mental health professionals who can help you take the next step.

Final Thoughts

Healthy sleep isn’t about finding the perfect routine—it’s about creating consistent habits that support your overall well-being.

Start with one small change tonight. Over time, those small habits can help you sleep better, feel better, and live better.

As Americans increasingly report feeling overwhelmed by daily life, many are using self-care to cope. Conversations and social media feeds are saturated with the language of “me time,” burnout, boundaries and nervous system regulation.

To meet this demand, the wellness industry has grown into a multitrillion-dollar global market. Myriad providers offer products, services and lifestyle prescriptions that promise calm, balance and restoration.

Paradoxically, though, even as interest in self-care continues to grow, Americans’ mental health is getting worse.

I am a professor of public health who studies health behaviors and the gap between intentions and outcomes. I became interested in this self-care paradox recently, after I suffered from a concussion. I was prescribed two months of strictly screen-free cognitive rest – no television, email, Zooming, social media, streaming or texting.

The benefits were almost immediate, and they surprised me. I slept better, had a longer attention span and had a newfound sense of mental quiet. These effects reflected a well-established principle in neuroscience: When cognitive and emotional stimuli decrease, the brain’s regulatory systems can recover from overload and chronic stress.

Obviously, most people can’t go 100% screen-free for days, much less months, but the underlying principle offers a powerful lesson for practicing effective self-care.

A nation under strain

Americans’ self-rated mental health is now at the lowest point since Gallup started tracking this issue in 2001. National surveys consistently detect high levels of stress and emotional strain.

Roughly one-third of U.S. adults report feeling overwhelmed most days. Sleep disruption, anxiety, poor concentration and emotional exhaustion are widespread, particularly among young adults and women.

Chronic disease patterns mirror this strain. When daily stress becomes chronic, it can trigger biological changes that increase the risk of long-term conditions like heart disease and diabetes. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports that 6 in 10 U.S. adults live with at least one chronic condition, and 4 in 10 live with multiple chronic conditions.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/QMOc-4zNj30?wmode=transparent&start=0Stress triggers physiological responses that can lead to a range of symptoms.

How people try to cope

Many Americans say they actively practice self-care in everyday life. For example, they describe taking mental health days, protecting personal time, setting boundaries around work and prioritizing rest and leisure.

The problem lies in how they use that leisure time.

Over the past 22 years, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ American Time Use Survey has consistently found that watching television is the most popular leisure activity for U.S. adults. Americans spend far more time watching TV than exercising, spending time with friends or practicing reflection through activities like yoga. Other common self-care activities include watching movies and gaming.

Modern leisure time increasingly includes smartphone use. Surveys suggest that mobile phones have become the dominant screen for many Americans, with adults spending several hours per day on their phones.

For many adults, checking social media or watching short videos has become a default relaxation behavior layered on top of traditional screen use. This practice is often referred to as second screening.

Although many people turn to screen-based activities to wind down, these activities may have the opposite effect biologically.

Why modern screen use feels different

Pre-internet forms of leisure often involved activities such as watching scheduled television programs, listening to radio broadcasts or reading books and magazines. For all of these pastimes, the content followed a predictable sequence with natural stopping points.

Today’s digital media environment looks very different. People routinely engage with multiple screens at once, respond to frequent notifications and switch rapidly between several streams of content. These environments continuously require users to split their attention, engage their emotions and make decisions.

This type of mental multitasking draws on the same neural systems people are often attempting to rest with leisure. The result is a far more fragmented and cognitively demanding environment than in the past.

Americans now spend approximately six to seven hours per day on screens across multiple devices. Splitting attention between more than one screen at a time, such as using the phone while watching television, is common. This juggling exposes peoples’ brains to multiple streams of sensory and emotional input simultaneously.

Survey data also suggests that Americans may check their phones roughly 200 times per day. In doing so, they repeatedly pull their attention back to screens during routine moments.

Modern digital platforms are designed to maximize engagement. Algorithms tend to prioritize emotionally arousing content, particularly anger, anxiety and outrage. These feelings drive clicks, sharing and time spent on platforms. Research has shown that this design is associated with higher stress, distraction and cognitive load.

When ‘rest’ doesn’t restore

Against the backdrop of daily hassles and competing demands, it can feel like relief to flip on the TV. Practices such as streaming or so-called bed-rotting – spending extended periods in bed while scrolling – often are framed as a form of radical rest or self-care.

Other common coping behaviors include leaving the television on as background noise, scrolling between tasks throughout the day or using phones during meals and conversations. These strategies can feel restful because they temporarily reduce external demands and decision-making.

However, pairing rest with screen use may undermine the very restoration that people are seeking. Digital media stimulate attention, emotion and sensory processing. Even while people are sitting or lying still, being onscreen can keep their nervous systems in a heightened state of arousal. It may look like downtime, but it doesn’t create the biological conditions for restoration.

How to wind down

Evidence suggests that mental relief comes not from adding new coping strategies, but from reducing the number of demands placed on the brain.

Here are some evidence-based strategies that support genuine restoration:

• Reduce digital multitasking, such as using your phone while watching television. This lowers stress and cognitive strain.
• Limit task-switching and interruptions. This improves focus and reduces cognitive fatigue.
• Spend time in low-stimulation environments, including quiet spaces and outdoor settings. This supports mood and emotional well-being.
• Unwind with analog or low-novelty activities, such as reading print, journaling, gentle movement or device-free walking. These pastimes allow mental engagement without overload.

The goal is to intentionally reduce mental load, not to abandon all digital devices.

To improve well-being in our overstimulated society, it’s important to understand the difference between feeling as though you are unwinding and actually allowing your brain and body to recover. In my view, fewer screens, fewer inputs, fewer emotional demands and more protected time for genuine cognitive rest are important components of an effective wellness strategy.

Dr. Pickering is a Professor and Chair of Public Health at Gonzaga University. Her educational background includes a PhD in Education, a MS in Physical Education with an emphasis on Exercise Science and Pedagogy, and a BS in Health with an emphasis on Health Promotion and Wellness. 

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Filler Friends vs. Floater Friends: Why Some Friendships Feel Empty

Friendship is one of life’s greatest protective factors. Strong friendships can reduce stress, improve mental health, and even help people live longer. Yet despite being more connected online than ever before, many people report feeling lonelier than they did a generation ago.

New terms like “filler friend” and “floater friend” have become popular because they describe feelings many people have struggled to explain.

Although these aren’t official psychological diagnoses, friendship researchers say they capture real experiences that many adults recognize.

As friendship researcher Jaimie Arona Krems, director of UCLA’s Center for Friendship Research, explains, these terms “put words to something that we didn’t have words for.”

Understanding these friendship patterns can help you recognize where your relationships stand—and how to create more meaningful connections.

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What Is a Floater Friend?

A floater friend is someone who seems to belong everywhere—but never truly feels like they belong anywhere.

They may have dozens of acquaintances and regularly attend social events, yet rarely feel deeply connected to one particular group.

A floater friend often experiences:

• Being invited but not truly included
• Having many acquaintances but few close friends
• Feeling like the “extra” person
• Constantly moving between social circles
• Rarely being someone’s first call

Many people describe themselves as always being welcome—but never fully belonging.

Psychologists refer to many of these relationships as weak ties. These friendships still matter. Coworkers, neighbors, gym friends, and classmates all contribute to emotional well-being, but they often don’t provide the closeness people need for lasting emotional support.

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What Is a Filler Friend?

A filler friend serves a different role.

This is the friend someone reaches out to only when their preferred plans fall through.

Signs you may be someone’s filler friend include:

• They contact you only when they’re bored.
• You receive last-minute invitations.
• Plans are frequently canceled.
• They disappear when someone “better” becomes available.
• You rarely feel prioritized.

While every friendship naturally changes over time, consistently feeling like an afterthought can become emotionally exhausting.

As many therapists point out:

People can often sense where they stand in someone else’s life.

Healthy friendships leave room for flexibility without making someone feel disposable.

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Why Are These Friendships Becoming More Common?

Researchers believe several cultural changes have made deep friendships harder to build.

These include:

Digital Communication

Social media allows us to stay connected with hundreds of people—but connection isn’t always the same as closeness.

Likes, comments, and text messages rarely replace spending meaningful time together.

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Busy Adult Lives

Many adults juggle careers, parenting, caregiving responsibilities, and financial stress.

Friendships often become the first relationships sacrificed when schedules become overwhelming.

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The Pandemic

COVID-19 disrupted social routines across the world.

Many friendships weakened during lockdowns and never fully recovered afterward.

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The Loneliness Epidemic

Former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy warned that loneliness and social isolation have become serious public health concerns.

Meanwhile, researchers have described today’s culture as experiencing a “friendship recession,” with fewer people reporting close friendships than in previous decades.

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Why Feeling Like a Floater Friend Hurts

Humans are naturally wired to belong.

Feeling disconnected—even while surrounded by people—can increase:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Social exhaustion
• Feelings of rejection

Sometimes the hardest loneliness isn’t being alone.

It’s feeling invisible in a crowded room.

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Can You Move Beyond Being a Floater or Filler Friend?

Absolutely.

Friendships aren’t fixed identities.

They change throughout different stages of life.

Experts recommend focusing on quality instead of quantity.

Try These Strategies

1. Invest in Fewer Relationships

Instead of trying to maintain dozens of casual friendships, spend more time nurturing a handful of meaningful ones.

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2. Be Vulnerable

Real friendship grows through honesty.

Share your thoughts, struggles, and victories rather than keeping conversations surface-level.

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3. Initiate Plans

Don’t always wait to be invited.

People often appreciate someone who reaches out first.

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4. Join Communities

Volunteer organizations, book clubs, hobby groups, fitness classes, faith communities, and local nonprofits provide repeated opportunities for connection.

Repeated interaction is one of the strongest predictors of lasting friendship.

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5. Accept That Some Friendships Have Seasons

Not every friendship is meant to become lifelong.

Some people enter our lives for a chapter, while others stay for decades.

Letting go of one-sided relationships creates space for healthier ones.

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When Friendship Feels Lonely

If you constantly feel overlooked, excluded, or emotionally drained, remember that your worth isn’t determined by where you rank in someone else’s social circle.

Healthy friendships should leave you feeling:

• Seen
• Valued
• Safe
• Respected
• Accepted

If they consistently leave you questioning your value, it may be time to invest your energy elsewhere.

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Final Thoughts

Whether you identify as a floater friend, a filler friend, or simply someone searching for deeper connection, know that meaningful relationships can be built.

True friendship isn’t about having the biggest social circle.

It’s about finding people who make you feel like you belong.

Because everyone deserves more than being someone’s backup plan.

Everyone deserves to feel chosen.

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If You Need More Than Self-Help

At Fitness Hacks For Life, we believe education and self-help resources can be a powerful starting point. But sometimes, healing requires personalized support.

If you’re struggling with loneliness, relationship challenges, anxiety, or depression, consider reaching out to a licensed mental health professional.

Our sister site, TheraConnect, helps connect individuals with therapists, psychologists, coaches, and wellness professionals who can provide compassionate, confidential support.

You don’t have to navigate life’s challenges alone.

Overcome • Grow • Thrive

Privacy Matters: How to Find Mental Health Support Without Sacrificing Your Confidentiality

At FitnessHacksForLife.org, we believe mental and emotional wellness should be accessible to everyone — without fear, shame, or compromising your privacy. If you’re ready to connect with a licensed professional, TheraConnect is our trusted directory of therapists, coaches, psychologists, and wellness providers who are ready to support you.

Reaching out for mental health support is one of the bravest things you can do.

But for many people, the fear of being found out stops them before they even start.

You might be asking yourself:

• Will my parents see this on an insurance statement?
• What if my roommate overhears my session?
• Will someone find out I’m seeing a therapist?
• Is my personal information safe online?

These fears are valid. And you’re not alone in having them.

This article is for you — whether you’ve been thinking about reaching out for a while, or this is the first time you’re considering it. Privacy matters. And so does your wellbeing.

Why Privacy Fears Keep People From Getting Help

One of the most common reasons people delay or avoid therapy isn’t that they don’t want support. It’s that they’re afraid of who might find out.

You might worry about:

• A partner or parent seeing a billing notification
• Family members asking uncomfortable questions
• Coworkers overhearing a virtual session
• A shared device or email account revealing appointment reminders
• The idea that seeking help might somehow define or follow you

These are real concerns — and a good mental wellness platform should take them seriously.

Your Story Is Yours. Your Healing Is Yours.

When you reach out for support, your information should be handled with care. You deserve to know how your data is managed, how billing works, and what communication to expect — before you commit to anything.

That’s why we always encourage our community to ask questions, take their time, and choose a provider or platform they genuinely trust.

If you’re looking for a place to start, TheraConnect is a mental wellness directory we built specifically to help people like you find licensed, compassionate professionals — in a straightforward, low-pressure way.

Common Privacy Questions Answered

Will my parents know I’m seeking therapy?

It depends on how services are paid for. If you’re on a shared insurance plan, explanation of benefits (EOB) statements can sometimes be seen by the primary account holder. If privacy is a concern, paying privately or understanding your billing options ahead of time can give you more control. A good provider will walk you through this.

What if someone overhears my session?

This is one of the most common worries — and it’s solvable. Try using headphones, scheduling during quieter hours, sitting in your car, or using a private room. Some providers also offer audio-only or messaging-based sessions that offer more flexibility.

Is my information safe online?

Always ask. A trustworthy platform should be transparent about how your data is stored, how communication is secured, and who has access to your information. If a platform isn’t clear about this, that’s a sign to look elsewhere.

Who This Article Is For

Privacy concerns don’t belong to just one group of people. Here’s what we want each part of our community to know.

Students

If You’re a College Student or Young Adult

You may be sharing a dorm room, living with family, or on a parent’s insurance plan — all of which can make privacy feel complicated. Campus counseling centers often have long waitlists, and small campus communities can feel anything but anonymous.

Online support can give you something in-person options sometimes can’t: real privacy. No waiting rooms. No running into someone you know. Connect from wherever works best for you.

Find a provider on TheraConnect →

LGBTQ+

If You’re LGBTQ+

Finding affirming care requires trust — and that trust starts with knowing your privacy is protected. You may be navigating concerns about being outed, finding a provider who truly sees and affirms your identity, or worrying about shared accounts revealing your sessions.

You deserve support that meets you where you are, without judgment and without risk. There are providers who specialize in affirming, confidential care — and we want to help you find them.

Connect with an affirming provider on TheraConnect →

Women

If You’re a Woman

Women often carry the weight of everyone else’s needs while quietly setting aside their own. You might be managing postpartum anxiety, processing relationship stress or trauma, navigating burnout, or simply feeling like you’ve been running on empty for too long — and worried about what it means to finally ask for help.

It means you’re paying attention. And you deserve care that’s compassionate, private, and centered on you.

Find women’s wellness support on TheraConnect →

Professionals

If You’re a Working Professional

High achievers are often the last to ask for help. You may be managing burnout, anxiety, or stress while worrying that seeking therapy will signal weakness — or that your employer-sponsored insurance will reveal more than you want it to.

Online sessions fit around your schedule — early mornings, lunch breaks, evenings — and can be completely discreet. Your mental health is not a liability. It’s an asset.

Browse TheraConnect providers →

Older Adults

If You’re an Older Adult or Senior

You may have grown up in a generation where you were taught to push through — where asking for help felt like weakness. But loneliness, grief, chronic illness, and life transitions are real. And support is available, at any age.

It’s never too late to prioritize your mental and emotional wellbeing. You deserve care that respects your experience and meets you where you are.

Find compassionate support on TheraConnect →

Why Online Support Can Actually Give You More Privacy

For many people, online therapy or coaching feels more private than traditional in-person care — and it often is.

There’s no waiting room. No running into someone from your neighborhood. No commuting to an office or explaining where you’re going. You connect from a space you choose, on a schedule that works for you.

That lower barrier can make it much easier to take the first step.

Seeking Help Is Not Weakness

So much of the hesitation around mental health care is rooted in stigma — the fear of being judged, or of people thinking you’re “not okay.”

But here’s what we know at FitnessHacksForLife.org: seeking support is self-awareness. It’s emotional fitness. It’s the same energy that leads someone to go to the gym, eat well, or prioritize their physical health — applied to your mind and heart.

You are not broken for needing support. You are human.

When you’re ready, we’re here to help you take the next step.

TheraConnect is our directory of licensed therapists, psychologists, life coaches, and wellness professionals across the country. We built it for people in our community — people just like you — who are looking for support that feels safe, simple, and private.

There’s no pressure. Browse at your own pace. Reach out when you’re ready.

Final Thoughts

If privacy concerns have been holding you back, we want you to know: that hesitation makes sense. And you don’t have to have it all figured out before you reach out.

Your story is personal. Your healing is personal. Your privacy deserves to be protected too.

We believe wellness — mind and body — should be available to everyone. And that getting support should feel like a relief, not a risk.

You’ve already done something brave just by reading this.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

Browse TheraConnect to find a licensed therapist, psychologist, coach, or wellness professional who’s right for you — privately, simply, and on your terms. Find a Provider on TheraConnect

TheraConnect is a mental wellness directory created by the team at FitnessHacksForLife.org.