What you think, what you say to yourself, and how you treat your body are not separate acts. They are one continuous conversation — and science is finally catching up to what ancient healers always knew.
For centuries, the Western world drew a sharp line between mind and body. The body was a machine; the mind was something else entirely. That split shaped medicine for generations. But over the past several decades, researchers have steadily dismantled that wall — and what they’ve found on the other side is remarkable.
The Science of Connection
Modern research points to a dynamic, two-way relationship between our mental and emotional states and our physical health. The brain, as the command center of the nervous system, continuously sends signals to organs and systems throughout the body — affecting everything from heart rate and hormone production to immune response and inflammation.
Research confirms that our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes can influence our physical well-being, and vice versa. This dynamic interconnectivity of mind and body processes can support human wellness and even serve as a point of intervention for practices that improve well-being (Springer Nature, 2025).
This is no longer a fringe idea. Integrative psychiatrist James Lake of Stanford University notes that extensive research has confirmed the medical and mental benefits of meditation, mindfulness training, yoga, and other mind-body practices. Chronic stress is one of the clearest examples: when the mind perceives ongoing threat, the body responds with a prolonged release of cortisol and adrenaline, which over time can contribute to high blood pressure, weakened immunity, and cardiovascular disease.
Movement as Medicine for Both
The connection runs in both directions. Just as mental states affect the body, what we do physically shapes our minds. Exercise is one of the most well-documented examples. Physical activity is a powerful mood enhancer, capable of reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety. Exercise triggers the release of endorphins — the body’s natural feel-good hormones — and also promotes resilience to stress by reducing levels of adrenaline and cortisol (Mind-Body Connection & Mental Well-being, 2024).
Yoga, meditation, and breathwork operate on both planes simultaneously. A 2024 study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience found that movement practices had measurable positive effects across a wide range of wellbeing variables — including body, energy, mind, intuition, and contentment.
The Power of What You Say to Yourself
If the mind and body are in constant dialogue, then the inner voice — the running commentary we all carry — matters more than most of us realize. When we engage in positive self-talk, like “I can handle this” or “I’ve done this before,” we tend to boost our confidence, reduce anxiety, and improve performance. Over time, positive self-talk can boost self-esteem, improve motivation, and even support better physical health by strengthening the immune system and heart function (Nice News, 2026).
This is encouragement as biology. Positive self-talk raises serotonin levels — the neurotransmitter linked to mood stability — while lowering cortisol. Negative self-talk does the reverse: research shows it can activate the amygdala, the brain’s fear and anxiety center, sending the body into a low-grade stress response even when no external threat exists.
Studies have found that people who use positive self-talk are more resilient, perform better, and handle stress more effectively. This is because positive self-talk helps reframe negative thoughts, turning self-doubt into self-encouragement, which strengthens mental well-being (Shyro Health, 2025). A meta-analysis of over 30 studies found that motivational self-talk consistently improved attention, motivation, and performance across a wide range of high-pressure tasks (Hatzigeorgiadis et al., 2011).
You Don’t Have to Go It Alone
One of the most human truths about encouragement is that it travels. The words others offer us become the words we eventually learn to offer ourselves. Parents, teachers, coaches, and friends who model self-compassion and positive reinforcement literally shape the inner dialogue of the people around them.
If we foster a culture that values self-compassion over self-criticism, people may naturally develop healthier inner dialogues. This shift could start in schools, workplaces, and communities, where positive reinforcement and emotional resilience are actively encouraged (Shyro Health, 2025).
Positive feeling states are associated with healthier bodies, improved thinking, and better decision-making. The good news is that these states can be intentionally cultivated — through movement, breath, reflection, connection, and the deliberate choice to speak to yourself the way you would speak to someone you love.
A Final Word
The mind and body have never truly been separate. They are partners in the ongoing project of being alive. When you encourage yourself — genuinely, consistently — you are not indulging in wishful thinking. You are making a physiological choice. You are changing the signals your brain sends to every system in your body.
That is not a small thing. That is everything.
Sources
Springer Nature – The Mind-Body Connection (2025) | PositivePsychology.com | University of Minnesota Taking Charge | Frontiers in Human Neuroscience (2024) | Mayo Clinic | Nice News (2026) | Shyro Health (2025) | Spectrum Life Magazine | Hatzigeorgiadis et al. (2011)
Published by Fitness Hacks for Life | fitnesshacksforlife.org | Mental wellness for everyone
It’s one of the oldest questions in the human experience: how do you know if what you’re feeling is really love?
Movies give us grand gestures and butterflies. Songs tell us love hurts. Friends say “you’ll just know.” But for many of us — especially those who have been through difficult relationships, toxic patterns, or trauma — knowing the difference between love, attachment, fear, and infatuation isn’t always so clear.
This article isn’t here to romanticize love or define it for you. It’s here to help you understand what healthy love actually feels like — so you can recognize it when it’s there, and know what’s missing when it’s not.
The Difference Between Love, Infatuation, and Attachment
Before we explore the signs of love, it’s worth understanding what love is not — because many of us confuse it with other powerful feelings.
Infatuation
Infatuation is intense, consuming, and often feels like love — especially in the early stages of a relationship. Your heart races, you can’t stop thinking about the person, everything feels electric. But infatuation is primarily driven by novelty and neurochemistry. It’s your brain flooded with dopamine and adrenaline.
Infatuation tends to be focused on how the person makes you feel, rather than on who they actually are. It can be the beginning of love — or it can fade when the novelty wears off and reality sets in.
Attachment
Attachment is what keeps us connected to people — not always because of love, but sometimes because of familiarity, fear of being alone, shared history, or trauma bonds. It’s possible to feel deeply attached to someone who isn’t good for you.
If you’ve ever stayed in a relationship long past its expiration date — not because it was fulfilling, but because leaving felt unbearable — that was attachment, not love.
Fear
Some relationships feel intense because they are anxiety-producing. The hot-and-cold dynamic, the uncertainty, the constant need to earn approval — these create a nervous system response that can feel like passion. But that’s not love. That’s hypervigilance dressed up as chemistry.
“Real love doesn’t make you feel like you’re constantly on the edge of losing it.”
Signs It Might Actually Be Love
Genuine love — the kind that is healthy, sustainable, and good for your mental wellbeing — tends to have these qualities:
1. You feel safe
One of the clearest signs of love is a deep sense of safety. Not just physical safety, but emotional safety — the feeling that you can be yourself, say what you think, make mistakes, and still be accepted.
In real love, you don’t have to perform, manage the other person’s emotions, or walk on eggshells. You can exhale.
2. You see them clearly — and love them anyway
Infatuation puts people on pedestals. Love sees them as they are — imperfect, complicated, fully human — and chooses them anyway.
If you find yourself making excuses for someone’s behavior, minimizing red flags, or only loving the version of them you imagine they could be, that’s worth pausing on.
3. You want good things for them, even when it’s hard
Love involves genuine care for the other person’s wellbeing — not just when it’s convenient, but even when their happiness requires something difficult from you.
It’s not possessive. It doesn’t try to control. Real love celebrates the other person’s growth, friendships, and independence rather than feeling threatened by them.
4. The relationship feels like a soft place to land
After a hard day, a hard week, or a hard year — does being with this person feel like coming home? Real love has a quality of rest to it. It doesn’t always have to be exciting or intense. Sometimes it’s just deeply, quietly good.
5. You communicate, even when it’s uncomfortable
Love requires the willingness to have difficult conversations — and to stay in them even when they’re hard. If you can disagree, repair, and come back together, that’s a sign of something real.
Avoidance and stonewalling, on the other hand, are signs that something is missing — whether that’s trust, safety, or emotional maturity.
6. You respect each other’s differences
Love doesn’t require you to be the same person. It allows for different opinions, different needs, different ways of moving through the world. You don’t have to agree on everything — you have to respect each other enough to hold the disagreement with care.
7. The good days significantly outnumber the hard ones
Every relationship has difficult moments. But in a loving relationship, the hard moments are the exception, not the rule. If you find yourself constantly anxious, hurt, or drained, that’s important information.
8. You like who you are when you’re with them
This is one of the most underrated signs of love. Real love brings out something good in you — not because the other person completes you, but because the relationship creates conditions where you can be more fully yourself.
If you feel smaller, more anxious, less confident, or unlike yourself in a relationship, pay attention to that.
What Love Is Not
It’s just as important to recognize what love is not — especially if you’ve experienced unhealthy relationship patterns in the past.
Love is not jealousy disguised as caring
Love is not control disguised as protection
Love is not intensity disguised as passion
Love is not making yourself small to keep someone comfortable
Love is not a reward you have to earn
Love is not staying silent to avoid conflict
Love is not feeling responsible for another person’s emotions or moods
If any of these feel familiar, you’re not alone — and it doesn’t mean you’re broken or unlovable. It often means you learned what love looked like in environments that weren’t healthy. That can be unlearned.
Love and Mental Health
The state of our relationships has a profound impact on our mental health. Research consistently shows that healthy, supportive relationships are one of the strongest protective factors against anxiety and depression. Conversely, unhealthy relationships — especially those involving emotional abuse, narcissism, or chronic conflict — are a leading driver of mental health struggles.
If you’re questioning whether your relationship is healthy, or if you’re healing from a past relationship that wasn’t, that questioning is healthy. It’s a sign that some part of you knows what you deserve.
“You are allowed to want a love that feels safe. That’s not too much to ask.”
Journal Prompts: Exploring What Love Means to You
If you’re in a relationship and want to reflect more deeply, try sitting with these questions:
When I’m with this person, do I feel more like myself or less like myself?
Do I feel safe to express my real feelings, including the uncomfortable ones?
How do I feel after most of our interactions — energized or drained?
Do I love who they actually are, or who I hope they will become?
Would I want this relationship for someone I love deeply?
What does love feel like in my body — calm and secure, or anxious and urgent?
These prompts are included in our free Mind Journal at fitnesshacksforlife.org — a tool designed to help you explore your emotional world with honesty and compassion.
If You’re Healing from an Unhealthy Relationship
Sometimes we don’t know what love is supposed to feel like because we’ve never experienced it in a healthy form. If you grew up in a home with emotional instability, or if you’ve been in relationships involving narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, or control, your nervous system may have learned to equate anxiety with love.
Healing from that is real work — and it’s work worth doing. Our free Gaslighting Recovery Workbook and Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Workbook at fitnesshacksforlife.org are designed to support exactly that journey.
And if you’re ready to talk to someone, TheraConnect (theraconnect.net) can connect you with a licensed therapist who specializes in trauma, toxic relationships, and helping you rebuild trust in yourself and others.
You Deserve Love That Feels Like Home
Real love — the kind that is good for your mental health and your whole self — is not a fairytale. It’s not perfect. It has conflict and awkwardness and bad days.
But at its core, it feels like safety. It feels like being seen. It feels like you are enough, exactly as you are.
If you’ve never experienced that, please know: it exists. And you are worthy of it.
Explore free mental wellness resources at fitnesshacksforlife.org | Find a therapist at theraconnect.net | 425-230-4838
He was fine an hour ago. Then something shifted — and now he’s gone. Not physically, but in every way that matters. The wall is up. The monosyllables have started. And no matter how many times you ask what’s wrong, the answer is always some version of ‘nothing.’
The Physiology of Shutting Down
There’s a real physiological component that often gets overlooked. Research on what psychologist John Gottman calls ‘flooding’ shows that men physiologically reach emotional overwhelm faster in conflict situations — their heart rates escalate more quickly and take longer to return to baseline.
When this happens, the brain’s ability to process complex emotion essentially goes offline. The shutdown isn’t always a choice or a tactic. Sometimes it’s the nervous system throwing a circuit breaker.
The Socialization Factor
From boyhood, most men receive consistent messaging that vulnerable emotions — sadness, fear, hurt — are signs of weakness. ‘Man up.’ ‘Boys don’t cry.’ These messages are absorbed long before boys have the capacity to critically evaluate them.
By adulthood, many men have spent decades practicing emotional suppression. They’re not being withholding on purpose. They genuinely may not have access to the words.
Why Conflict Specifically Triggers Shutdown
For many men, conflict feels like a threat to the relationship itself — not just a disagreement. The fear isn’t always about the specific argument. It’s about what the argument might mean: that she’s unhappy, that he’s failing, that the relationship is in danger.
Faced with that level of threat and without tools to process it, withdrawal becomes the safest option available.
When Shutdown Is Used as a Weapon
There’s an important distinction between a man who shuts down because he’s overwhelmed and a man who uses silence deliberately to punish or avoid accountability. The first is a coping mechanism. The second is a form of emotional abuse.
A man who shuts down out of overwhelm will usually, given time and safety, return. A man who uses silence as control tends to use it strategically.
What Actually Helps
The worst thing you can do when a man shuts down is pursue harder — it escalates the flood response and deepens the shutdown. The counterintuitive move — taking space, signaling that the relationship is safe, coming back to the conversation later — is almost always more effective.
You married a man who has not yet separated emotionally from his mother. How can you tell? One very obvious sign is she (mother) will be trying to control her son, you, your marriage, up close and from a distance not long after you’ve married her son.
The message to you, his wife (or lover, if you want to drop the married part) is, you can marry my son but I stay number one in his emotional life.
Can you tell there is an underlying emotional maybe physical competition going on in this message? Of course you can. It’s pretty obvious.
The problem is, your husband has not yet left his mother. You see it’s a pretty basic formula. If you don’t leave your mother you don’t have the emotional space to be truly married.
When you are truly married you are committed 100% to another woman, your wife/lover. You’ve left one woman (mom) to fully commit to another (wife/lover).
The complication from the son’s side is, not wanting to let go of his mother. Some men reach adulthood but they are not yet finished with their mothers. I would recommend to such a man that he not get married until he is ready to ‘divorce’ his mother. If my advice is heeded things could turn out OK.
The plan is, stay bonded to mom until such time that you are convinced that it is time to separate, meaning go off and commit to another woman. This other woman, your wife, in effect becomes #1 in your new life. Now you’re truly married.
And by the way, your marriage has a better chance of surviving if this more complete commitment has occurred. When your mother-in-law is still pulling the strings on her son, things can get pretty dicey especially when there is conflict between you and your husband.
You see, the mother who hangs onto her son past the time she is supposed to is expressing a certain kind of ‘narcissism.’ The narcissistic mother is trying to cure her problems within herself by hanging onto and expecting emotional things from her adult son.
There’s a certain selfish, perhaps self-indulgent quality to this. She is really only thinking of her own needs and not the needs of her son or her daughter-in-law for that matter. You can get married, but that doesn’t mean you belong to anyone but ME.
Now you have a dependent son and a narcissistic mother. Perfect fit. This co-dependent arrangement when it hits adulthood is bound to create dysfunction in both. The dysfunction often shows up the clearest in their relationships with others.
A narcissistic mother’s marriage (worse if she doesn’t have a husband) often suffers when unhealthy triangles dominate her love life. The two most common triangles are: son-mother-father and wife-son-mother.
When the narcissistic mother has dug her claws into her dependent son you can pretty much bet there are underlying marital problems in the mother’s marriage to her husband. What will often happen is the narcissistic mother and her husband get to ‘avoid’ dealing with their marital problems by getting over-involved in other activities and people. For the narcissistic mother it’s her son’s life. For her husband it might be over-work, another woman, or simply emotional withdrawal.
When the triangle consists of son-wife-mother, the narcissistic mother’s control in her son’s marriage is bound to create marital problems for him and his wife. This triangle indicates that there are two women vying for one man. This never works out well. Conflicts increase over time and allegiances are strained.
Of course this kind of emotional arrangement can get pretty complicated when her son’s wife is trying to get her mother-in-law’s ‘love.’ A lot of people are psychologically immature when they get married and try to compensate for what they didn’t get in childhood (love) now from their spouse’s family. This is quite common in contemporary marriages.
Problem is, it’s bound to be disappointing when your mother-in-law is narcissistic. Number one, she has little or nothing to give, and number two, you (wife) are the competitor (in her mind at least) for her son’s adoration and affections.
Number three, unfortunately, you can’t really make up for past love life disappointment by getting an adult person to ‘parent’ you. It’s healthier to heal the hurt as loss and learn how to make the best life for yourself with mature forms of love as an adult person.
A son’s efforts to ‘make peace’ between his wife and his mother, while walking the ‘line’ between them, is quite demanding. He’s bound to do a lot of fire fighting and repair work. If his wife is temperamental and expressive he’ll certainly have his hands full.
In my experience there’s always an underlying well of resentment in these men. Look at how much they have to pay attention to everyone else’s needs while sacrificing their own. What they don’t realize is, they have a right to a life of their own. Parenting is supposed to be a time-limited function and we are not supposed to nurture our own parents. We are supposed to put a big part of the love we have inside into our own lives.
In my experience, once sons in this trap start feeling bad and looking for a way out, this idea of having personal choice and rights has the potential of putting a pretty healthy fire in their bellies. From then on it becomes a matter of gaining personal freedom and owning your own love life.
If his marriage survives his separation from his mother (guilt), he and his wife will be able to have more of the marriage they dreamed of. And mom gets a chance to go fix her own marriage.
Dr. Thomas Jordan, clinical psychologist, author of Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. Need help fixing your disappointing love life? Confidential Love Life Consultations available by phone, inquire at drtomjordan@lovelifelearningcenter.com.
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, trying something called the “gray rock” approach might just help. The idea is to act kinda bland and unexciting, which can throw off a narcissist’s efforts to control you.
So, the gray rock method is all about not giving an emotional reaction when a narcissist tries to manipulate you. Imagine being like a dull gray rock—just not engaging. By doing this, you dull their desire to poke and prod at your feelings because it takes away the attention they’re after.
Over the years, we’ve all heard the term “narcissist” thrown around to describe someone who seems to care more about themselves than anyone else. Narcissists often use tactics like gaslighting or stirring up drama just to keep control. It’s easier to spot these behaviors in people we know as we become more aware of what narcissism looks like.
Recently, the gray rock method has gained attention as a way to handle these kinds of personalities. It’s super important to remember that if you have to deal with a narcissist, you don’t have to just put up with their behavior. While it might be tough to cut ties completely, minimizing those interactions can make a real difference.
This method doesn’t mean you ignore the narcissist entirely, but you can keep things short and lackluster. Conversing about boring topics and answering with simple responses can help. If they try to push your buttons, you can just nod and smile to keep things low key.
The tricky part? A narcissist won’t give up easily. Initially, they might crank up their efforts to get your attention. But with time, they usually move on when they realize you’re just not the engaging target they want.
Here some simple tips on using the gray rock method:
Disengage: Don’t let them get a reaction out of you. Be calm, speak flatly, and keep your expressions neutral. Avoid eye contact and stick to simple responses. Even if you’re feeling upset, keep it in check—that’s what they want, control over your emotions.
Distract yourself: Find ways to mentally distance yourself. Whether it’s scrolling through your phone or thinking about someone you love, it helps create a buffer. This way, when they ramp up their tactics, it’ll be easier to shrug it off.
Keep it short: Make conversations brief. Don’t share too much of your life, and steer clear of asking about theirs. Just be distant and guarded; remember to focus on protecting your own feelings.
Don’t let them know your strategy: Sharing your game plan can backfire. If a narcissist figures out you’re trying to be boring, they might change their approach to manipulate you even more.
Being on the gray rock path can be really tough, especially if it’s someone close to you. But if you try to make it work the right way, it can help put space between you and their manipulative tactics. Just make sure your other relationships give you the love and attention you need outside of dealing with them. And if it gets too overwhelming, reaching out to a therapist can really help you pick up more strategies and get the support you need.
In the long run, cutting negative ties is ideal. But if you can’t do that, using the gray rock method can shield you from the emotional trauma that comes with dealing with manipulators. It reduces unnecessary drama and protects you from unhealthy interactions. Don’t forget to focus on the bright spots in your life, like the good things you’ve experienced recently. Set your sights on a happier future, because it’s definitely out there waiting for you! Whether you keep that narcissist around or not, aim for a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
How it Works and Its Theoretical Basis?
The core principle behind the Grey Rock Method is rooted in the psychological concept of extinction. In behavioral psychology, extinction refers to the a decrease or cessation of a behavior when it is no longer reinforced. Manipulative or abusive individuals often thrive on getting a rise out of their targets—be it anger, frustration, sadness, or a defensive reaction. This emotional response serves as a reward or “narcissistic supply” for them. By “grey rocking,” you remove that reward, making the behavior unfulfilling and leading to its extinction.
Key Components of the Method
Emotional Unresponsiveness: Maintain a neutral demeanor and avoid showing any strong emotions. This can be challenging, as the abuser may escalate their behavior in an attempt to provoke a reaction.
Brief, Factual Responses: Keep all interactions short and to the point. Use one-word answers or simple, non-committal phrases like “Okay,” “I see,” or “That’s good.”
Avoid Personal Details: Do not share any personal information about your life, feelings, or opinions. This prevents the person from collecting “ammunition” to use against you later.
Limit Interaction: Minimize contact whenever possible. If you must interact, keep the conversation focused on neutral or mundane topics, like the weather or work-related tasks.
Origins and Citations
The Grey Rock Method is not a formal, evidence-based psychological technique that originated in academia. Instead, it emerged from online communities and blogs for survivors of emotional abuse and narcissistic relationships.
The term is widely credited to a 2012 blog post by a writer named Skylar on a website about dealing with sociopaths. She described the strategy as becoming “as unresponsive as a rock” to make an abuser lose interest.
While a number of peer-reviewed studies and scholarly articles specifically on the Grey Rock Method are limited, the underlying principles are consistent with established behavioral psychology theories like extinction. For example, a 2015 study on extinction in behavioral learning supports the idea that behaviors stop when they are not reinforced (Todd et al., 2015).
Mental health professionals and clinical psychologists, such as Dr. Ramani Durvasula, have since acknowledged and discussed the method as a valid self-defense and self-preservation tactic in certain situations. It is often recommended as a temporary solution for individuals who cannot completely cut off contact with a toxic person (e.g., a co-parent, a coworker, or a family member).
Important Considerations and Risks
It is crucial to understand that the Grey Rock Method is not a long-term solution or a substitute for professional help.
Potential for Escalation: When a manipulative person is no longer getting the reaction they desire, they may escalate their behavior in an attempt to regain control. This period of heightened abuse is sometimes referred to as an “extinction burst.” It is essential to be prepared for this possibility.
Emotional Toll: Constantly suppressing your emotions and staying on guard can be mentally and emotionally draining. It can lead to feelings of dissociation or emotional numbness.
Safety: The Grey Rock Method should never be used if there is a risk of physical violence. In such situations, the priority should always be personal safety, and a different strategy, such as seeking professional help or getting out of the relationship, is necessary.
Source:
Day, N. J. S., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: A qualitative study. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 7(19). This study explores the experiences of people in relationships with narcissists and the strategies they use to cope.
Todd, T. P., Vurbic, D., & Bouton, M. E. (2015). Behavioral and neurobiological mechanisms of extinction in Pavlovian and instrumental learning. Neurobiology of Learning and Memory, 108, 52-64. While not directly about the Grey Rock Method, this research provides the theoretical foundation for how the method is thought to work.
Betrayal has implications for relationships, including acts of helping.
Humans have evolved a strong and emotionally laden approach to responding to being betrayed or insulted in relationships.
Betrayal has the capacity to lower one’s status in a group dramatically, and it has implications for one’s future.
Research shows that being betrayed by someone, especially in a public manner, has far-reaching implications regarding the relationship’s future.
Source: geralt / Pixabay
So picture this:
You’re looking to make plans for the weekend, and, as such, you text one of your best friends asking if they’d like to hang out this weekend. A preliminary reply simply says that she can’t hang out because she has plans all weekend. Fair enough.
But the second reply back is definitely not exactly what you expected. This reply, which was sent to a huge group chat that includes pretty much your entire friend group, slams you hard—your “friend” wrote this: I just got a text from Tina* looking to hang out. I can’t stand hanging out with Tina! Are you free later?
The author of this misdirected text message is someone whom you’d thought was one of your very best friends for years up to this point.
A few seconds later, you can see an attempt by your “friend” to delete this message, which, it turns out, was not meant for your eyes. But it’s too late. The damage has been done.
So now picture this: Later that day, this same “friend” texts you, asking for your NetFlix password.
Now just think about this for a minute. How do you think you’d respond?
Minds Evolved for Social Connections
From an evolutionary psychological perspective, the human mind needs to be considered evolved for small-scale living. This is because the lion’s share of human evolutionary history took place when humans were all nomadic and living in small-scale social groups—groups in which everyone knew one another really well.
Further, in such groups, people were typically surrounded by many kin members (i.e., blood relatives). Under such conditions, as Nicole Wedberg and I argue in our book Positive Evolutionary Psychology,1 humans evolved a suite of adaptations to stay closely connected to others.
Beyond just our ability to stay closely connected with kin (which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective as kin members disproportionately share our particular genetics), humans evolved to have meaningful, collaborative relationships with various non-kin members. This unique feature of our species seems rooted in reciprocal altruism, the tendency to help others with implicit expectations of help in return,2 is built into the evolved fabric of our social worlds. Humans evolved to form important connections with non-kin within long-standing relationships.
But if you’re old enough to read this, you know that relationships don’t always last forever. In both familial and non-familial contexts, people have the capacity to hurt one another. And one of the saddest facts about the human experience is this: People hurt one another with regularity.
Do People Help Others Who Have Betrayed Them?
In a study conducted by myself, Michael Frederick of the psychology department at the University of Baltimore, and a suite of advanced research students at the State University of New York at New Paltz,3 we explored exactly this question. Specifically, we presented over 400 young adults (primarily from New Paltz and Baltimore) with betrayal-related scenarios (such as the text-based one presented at the start of this article).
The specific variables that we manipulated included the following:
Whether the betrayal was major or minor
Whether the betrayal was private or public
Whether the betrayal was from a friend or a close family member.
The major/minor variable was manipulated by whether the betrayer wrote that they “can’t stand” hanging out with you versus whether they simply asked someone else to hang out (after lying to you and telling you that they already had plans).
The private/public issue was manipulated by whether the betraying text was ostensibly sent to just one other person or to “the whole group chat.”
Finally, the friend/family variable was manipulated by presenting the betrayer as either a friend or a family member.
All participants were randomly assigned to one level of each of the preceding variables (in other words, different participants got different versions of the betrayal).
After being asked to think about the betrayal, participants were given the following helping measure our team created for this research.
I would drive them to the airport.
I would get their mail when they’re on vacation.
I would buy them coffee.
I would pick them up if their car broke down at 3 am.
I would drive them to the hospital in an emergency.
I would help them move out of their apartment.
I would help them plan their birthday party.
I would help them with yard work.
I would lend them a sweater.
I would lend them my Netflix password.
Based on responses to these items (which were presented on a 1-7 scale), we created an overall index of intentions to help.
In terms of the three primary variables manipulated in this research, three primary findings emerged:
Participants who received the “major” betrayal scenario were particularly less motivated to offer help to the betrayer.
Participants who received the “public” betrayal scenario were also particularly less motivated to offer help to the betrayer.
Participants were more likely to help a family member who had betrayed them (rather than a friend who had betrayed them)—but this particular finding emerged only in the “public” condition.
The Problem With Helping a Betrayer
In life, building strong social connections and friendships is critical to success at all levels. Our minds respond strongly and emotionally to ostracism, insult, and betrayal. From an evolutionary perspective, this fact makes sense as those of our ancestors who were regularly betrayed, insulted, and ostracized were at a reduced capacity for survival and reproduction. As such, our minds evolved strong self-preservation tendencies when responding to betrayal in small-scale, tight-knit relationships.
From a mathematical evolutionary perspective, immediately forgiving and helping someone who has betrayed you can be problematic. In another article on this topic,4 our research team referred to this kind of unconditional acceptance of betrayal as divine forgiveness—suggesting that, in some ways, the ability to genuinely turn a blind eye in the face of betrayal is nearly impossible for mere mortals like us. From an evolutionary perspective, we can understand why.
Our ancestors who accepted betrayal and insult from others were likely to be taken advantage of, ultimately reducing their ability to survive and reproduce effectively. For this reason, we evolved a strong and emotionally laden approach to responding to being betrayed or insulted in relationships. Unconditionally forgiving someone who has betrayed us could have adverse consequences for the future.
The Long Arm of Public Humiliation
One interesting point from our results pertains to whether a betrayal is out there in the open. When people experienced the “public betrayal” condition, they were particularly unlikely to report being willing to help the betrayer. This finding likely pertains to the fact that a public betrayal can be humiliating. Further, if you help someone who has betrayed you in a public sense, you may look like a fool, thereby opening up your future to further social transgressions and insults from others.
For this reason, public betrayal, which maps onto the deeply adverse experience of humiliation, has strong effects on the future of relationships between betrayer and victim. If you want to retain someone’s loyalty and support, betraying them publicly is pretty much the worst thing you can do.
Personality and Helping
In this study, we also asked participants to complete measures of both the Dark Triad4 and the Light Triad.5 The Dark Triad is comprised of three personality traits, including Narcissism (the tendency to overly focus on oneself), Machiavellianism (the tendency to manipulate others for one’s own gain), and Psychopathy (the tendency to not care about others’ feelings).
The Light Triad is also comprised of three traits, including Kantianism (the tendency to see others as ends unto themselves), humanism (the belief that all humans ultimately share equal value as each other), and Faith in Humanity (the belief that people are generally good).
Some of our analyses examined the degree to which these variables predicted scores on the helping variable (regardless of which experimental condition participants were in). We found some pretty reliable effects, including the fact that participants who are Machiavellian in nature are unlikely to help another. At the same time, those who score as having faith in humanity and those having overall high scores on “the Light Triad” are more likely to help another, regardless of the betrayal-related experimental conditions to which they were randomly assigned. In short, some people are just willing to help others, and some are not.
Bottom Line
The human social experience is often treacherous. People hurt each other regularly with insults, transgressions, lies, deceptions, and betrayals. This is a sad yet true fact of life.
From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that our minds would evolve to be highly sensitive to indicators of being betrayed. Betrayal has the capacity to lower one’s status in a group dramatically, and it can have all kinds of implications for one’s future.
The research presented here shows that being betrayed by someone—especially in a major and public manner—has far-reaching implications regarding the relationship’s future. Even minor betrayals might have devastating long-term effects when it comes to relationships.
Understanding the evolutionary psychology of betrayal can help us make decisions in our world that help to cultivate connections and trusting, loving relationships. And at the end of the day, this is essentially what the human experience is all about.
___________
*This fake name is being used as an example. There is an assumption that you, the reader, are Tina.
References
1: Geher, G. & Wedberg, N. (2020). Positive Evolutionary Psychology: Darwin’s Guide to Living a Richer Life. New York: Oxford University Press.
2: Trivers, R. (1985). Social evolution. Menlo Park, CA: Benjamin/Cummings.
4: De’Jesús, A. R., Cristo, M., Ruel, M., Kruchowy, D., Geher, G., Nolan, K., Santos, A., Wojszynski, C., Alijaj, N., DeBonis, A., Elyukin, N., Huppert, S., Maurer, E., Spackman, B. C., Villegas, A., Widrick, K., & Zezula, V. (2021). Betrayal, Outrage, Guilt, and Forgiveness: The Four Horsemen of the Human Social-Emotional Experience. The Journal of the Evolutionary Studies Consortium, 9(1), 1-13.
5: Jonason, P.K., & Webster, G.D. (2010). The Dirty Dozen: A concise measure of the Dark Triad. Psychological Assessment, 22, 420-432.
6: Kaufman, S.B., Yaden, D.B., Hyde, E., & Tsukayama, E. (2019). The Light vs. Dark triad of personality: Contrasting two very different profiles of human nature. Frontiers in Psychology.
Many high school seniors across the country are in the throes of college applications – often a high-stakes, anxiety-ridden process.
But the stress doesn’t necessarily stop once students are admitted.
Emotional stress, mental health and tuition cost are the top three reasons that college students drop out, according to a 2023 Gallup poll of 14,032 students.
By most standards, there is a mental health crisis among college students. But the University of Michigan’s healthy minds survey, the country’s largest student mental health study to date, recently found that college students are reporting lower rates of depressive symptoms, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for the third year in a row.
Conducted in 2024 and 2025 and surveying more than 84,000 students across 135 American colleges and universities, the study finds that severe depression symptoms among college students dropped in the past two years to 18% – down from 23% who said they experienced severe depression in 2022. Students who have suicidal thoughts dropped from 15% in 2022 to 11% during 2024 and 2025.
I have worked in student affairs and college health for the past 25 years, leading substance abuse prevention and mental health promotion efforts, and overseeing a range of clinical services. Despite these recent optimistic findings, I’m still alarmed by the prevalence and acuity of students’ mental health concerns nationwide.
Don’t let yourself be misled. Understand issues with help from experts
Students’ emotional well-being in college has carryover effects into their academic performance, and whether or not they stay in school. Rick Bowmer/Associated Press
Taking a break
College students experience high levels of stress due to a confluence of factors, including academic pressures, financial concerns and complex social dynamics. Understanding the root causes of students’ stress is an important precursor for schools to come up with effective ways to help students manage their anxiety and succeed in school.
But even when schools offer extensive mental health support programs, students occasionally need to take a break to focus on their health and well-being.
Over the past 10 years, I have reviewed and approved medical withdrawals for 133 students at Babson College. From fall 2015 to early spring 2020, before the COVID-19 pandemic, an average of 12 students per year left on medical leave out of the nearly 4,000 students enrolled at the school.
The average number of students taking medical leave then increased by about two people a year from fall 2020 through 2025. Approximately 82% of these cases are mental health-related.
Roughly 70% of these students ultimately return to campus and eventually graduate. In general, very few students who take a leave of absence from school end up returning.
However, there are some schools that use proactive, nondisciplinary policies to support students taking a break to pursue more intensive treatment. These policies can provide clear treatment recommendations and instructions on what conditions students need to be met in order to return to school, resulting in a higher likelihood of the students enrolling once again.
Understanding well-being
Well-being is a word that is top of mind for many higher education leaders, yet colleges and universities do not have a single definition of what well-being means, though it is often a term schools use to talk about students’ mental health. Well-being generally encompasses acknowledging and being comfortable with your feelings, and being equipped to manage stress.
While there is movement toward embedding student mental health and well-being into the very fabric of an institution, many colleges and universities still rely on reaching students in more traditional ways – through health fairs and information tables in the student center, for example.
While these strategies certainly serve a purpose in helping to raise awareness of mental health resources, when used in isolation, they are unlikely to result in actual behavioral change among students.
Students of color, particularly Black and Latino students, are more likely than white students to temporarily withdraw from college.
In 2007, an undergraduate student at Virginia Tech University shot and killed 32 people, and wounded 17 others, before he died by suicide.
Schools since then have adopted early alert systems – often referred to as care teams – to help identify students who are struggling, either academically, socially or emotionally. The idea is that schools can intervene and get students connected with campus resources such as academic advisers, student success coaches, accessibility services, financial aid and mental health support.
Ongoing training for faculty, staff and students on how to activate these systems of support and make referrals to a care team is critical to their success. The goal is to cast a wide net so students do not fall through the cracks and go unnoticed when they are not mentally well, which is what happened with the Virginia Tech shooter.
Dozens of campuses, including New York University, Indiana State University, the University of North Dakota, The Ohio State University and Harvard University, have also embraced mindfulness practices in recent years, offering breath work and other forms of meditation for their students as free services on campus.
Some campus police departments have also begun using therapy dogs to help support students’ mental health and bolster community engagement.
Other schools, like Stevens Institute of Technology and Princeton University, have stopped keeping labs and libraries open 24/7 as a way to encourage students to take a break and rest – though admittedly most institutions that have made these changes have done so as a result of budget cuts, and less so as a proactive, preventive measure.
In recent years, I have also encouraged schools to position well-being as the key driver to student academic, personal and professional success.
Research has linked students’ well-being to them staying in school, and findings suggest that colleges can develop targeted mental health programs to improve retention rates. In other words, focusing on the health and well-being of students may, in fact, lead to better outcomes – emotionally, physically and academically.
Are you hard on yourself? Do you find that you judge your progress or pace if life? Is your inner voice telling you that you’re not “there” yet, but that you should be? If this sounds familiar, now’s the perfect moment to pause to give yourself some much-deserved compassion and loving kindness by expanding your self-awareness.
I know firsthand that the journey of life can incredibly challenging. Just when you think you’re through the rough spots and life will be easy, another challenge seems to come along. You might find yourself saying, “Hey, Universe, I’ve had my share of troubles thrown at me! Could you ease up just a bit? Please!”
The idea of self-growth can seem painfully out of reach when the rigors of daily life keep you stuck and doing your best just to survive. If this is resonating with you, if you want to move forward but just feel too exhausted, overwhelmed, and fearful, have hope. Self-awareness and joyful fulfillment wait for everyone, not just those who seem to “have it all together.” In truth, the most lasting joys in life ultimately come from the learning and growing that happen when we slow down and embrace life’s challenges. It’s the journey, the overall process, that can foster incredible joy.
5 Strategies to Boost Self-Awareness
With a few basic tips, and lots of practice, you’ll be able to foster greater self-awareness and joy in your life. As you embrace these tips, it’s essential that you shower yourself with loving compassion, indeed, self-compassion plays a huge role in the creation of lasting joy. No matter what stage of life you’re in, the following tips will help you find and embrace your authentic self that beautiful, joyful self who is waiting to be discovered and set free.
1. Set Positive Intentions Daily
Pause every morning to set a positive intention for the day. This is a vital first step, for the way you begin your morning will set the tone for the entire day. Whether you choose to set an intention for greater courage, flexibility, self-care, or compassion, allow yourself to nonjudgmentally notice the spaces in your day where you can bring this intention to life. The more you pay attention to your positive intention, the more it will take hold in your life as a whole.
2. Make Self-Care a Priority
Allow yourself a bit of self-care every day. This is a critical step, for self-care gives us the rest, psychological nourishment, and rejuvenating energy that allows us to be at our best. When you engage in self-care, you are telling yourself, “I am important. I deserve to treat myself well!”
Self-care needn’t be expensive or time-consuming, it simply needs to involve a bit of time that you have devoted to yourself to engage in something that feels nourishing, this could be time for reading, exercising, having a manicure, or playing in the garden.
3. Tune In to Your Emotions
Make friends with your emotions. As you learn to listen to your emotions, you’ll find that every emotion has a message. Sometimes we are afraid of the messages within our emotions, or simply don’t understand them, so it’s important to slow down to listen.
For example, you might be feeling angry because your partner consistently breaks dates with you. Many people are afraid to notice or feel their anger, so they push it aside or ignore it. However, this gives anger greater power, for it then festers and often turns to resentment. So, if you are feeling angry at your partner for not making your dates a priority, you might say, “I am feeling hurt and angry that you consistently break dates with me. I feel disrespected and sad when this happens. It’s important to me that you honor our dates, I deserve to be respected.” In this case, the anger clearly has a message: It hurts to feel disrespected! I want to be treated with kindness and respect.
The more you learn to make friends with your emotions, the more you honor your emotions, the more your self-awareness will grow!
4. Focus on Healthy Boundaries
Learn to notice when your boundaries feel too weak or too rigid. This is a process, so be patient with yourself. You might need to have strict boundaries with someone who tends to take advantage of you, and you might be able to have more fluid boundaries with someone who is emotionally aware and respectful.
When you feel as though your boundaries are not being respected, speak your truth with compassion. For example, if someone in your life ties you up with long, negative phone calls, you might say, “I feel really tired right now and am ready to get off the phone. I’ll be free to talk again this weekend for a half hour.” The stronger your boundaries become, the stronger you’ll feel inside.
5. Listen to Your Inner Voice
As you move forward on your journey, learn to listen to your instinct. Your inner voice knows a great deal about you and your needs. Although it might be tempting to let others make decisions for you, learn the power of taking input from others and using whatever is helpful to make your own decision. The more you take this approach, the stronger and more powerful you’ll feel.
As with all journeys, the challenges are part of the beautiful adventure. Allow your conscious self-work to unfold in its own way. Your journey to greater self-awareness is a process, embrace it every day with open arms. Trust that you have the power to move forward slowly and steadily, getting closer to the life of your dreams one step at a time.
When you’ve mastered the tips here and find yourself ready for the “next step” in your journey to self-awareness, grab a copy of my book Joy from Fear. With real-life examples, easy-to-use tools, and life-changing exercises, Joy from Fear will help you understand your relationship with fear so you can finally embrace it and live a life filled with freedom and lasting happiness.
So why do some relationships leave you feeling anxious, emotionally drained, obsessed, and somehow unable to walk away—even when you know deep down something isn’t right?
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone.
Sometimes what feels like “can’t-live-without-you” love is actually something much more painful: trauma bonding.
Trauma bonds can form when cycles of emotional pain are mixed with moments of affection, relief, or validation. The emotional highs feel intoxicating. The lows feel devastating. And over time, your nervous system can begin to confuse chaos with connection.
The good news? Awareness is where healing begins.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment that can develop in unhealthy or abusive relationships through repeated cycles of distress followed by intermittent comfort or affection. This pattern can reinforce attachment in ways that feel difficult to break. The concept is widely discussed in trauma and abuse recovery contexts, though individual experiences vary.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking:
Why do I miss someone who hurt me?
Why can’t I just let go?
Why do I keep hoping they’ll change?
…this may help explain why.
1. You Keep Romanticizing the “Good Version” of Them
You replay to the sweet texts.
The apology.
That weekend, everything felt magical.
The version of them who almost became who you needed.
But healing often starts when we separate potential from reality.
A few beautiful moments don’t erase consistent emotional harm.
Reminder: Missing who someone could have been is not the same as missing who they actually were.
2. Calm Feels Strange… But Chaos Feels Familiar
Healthy relationships can feel unfamiliar if your nervous system has adapted to emotional unpredictability.
If you’ve spent weeks, months, or years in cycles of stress, conflict, silence, reconciliation, and emotional intensity, peace may feel unsettling—not because it’s wrong, but because it’s unfamiliar.
Chronic stress can affect how the brain and body respond to relationships over time.
3. You Blame Yourself for Their Behavior
You tell yourself:
Maybe I overreacted.
Maybe I should’ve communicated better.
Maybe I pushed them away.
Self-reflection can be healthy.
Self-blame that excuses harmful behavior is not.
No one deserves manipulation, cruelty, emotional withholding, or repeated disrespect.
4. Leaving Feels Like Withdrawal
Ending unhealthy attachment can feel physically and emotionally intense:
Racing thoughts
Anxiety
Difficulty sleeping
Constant urge to check your phone
Deep sadness
Emotional cravings for contact
That doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy.
It means attachment patterns can be powerful.
The National Institute of Mental Health explains how anxiety and stress can create significant emotional and physical symptoms.
5. They Hurt You… Then Become the Person Who Comforts You
This pattern can be incredibly confusing.
Pain.
Distance.
Cruel words.
Then affection.
Apologies.
Reassurance.
Your brain learns to seek relief from the same source creating the pain.
That cycle can strengthen unhealthy attachment.
6. You Hide the Relationship From People Who Care About You
If you constantly soften the story when friends ask how things are going…
If you leave out important details…
If you already know what loved ones would say…
That matters.
Sometimes, part of us recognizes what we’re not ready to fully admit.
A trusted outside perspective can be grounding.
7. You Confuse Intensity With Love
Butterflies.
Adrenaline.
Emotional highs.
Urgency.
Obsessive thinking.
Intensity can feel like passion.
But healthy love is usually built on consistency, trust, emotional safety, and respect—not chronic instability.
Love should not regularly leave you emotionally depleted.
8. You Keep Waiting for Closure
“If they would just explain…”
“If I could get one honest conversation…”
“If they finally understood how much they hurt me…”
Closure can feel like the missing piece.
But sometimes healing begins when we stop waiting for someone else to give us what only we can begin creating for ourselves: acceptance, boundaries, and emotional clarity.
9. Your Mental Health Feels Worse, Not Better
Ask yourself:
Do I feel more peaceful in this relationship?
Or more anxious?
More secure?
Or more confused?
Relationships affect emotional well-being.
If connection repeatedly leaves you feeling emotionally smaller, chronically stressed, isolated, or dysregulated, that deserves attention.
If you need support, the National Alliance on Mental Illness offers education and resources.
10. Part of You Already Knows Something Isn’t Right
This may be the hardest truth.
Many people recognize the pain long before they feel ready to leave.
That doesn’t mean you’re weak.
It means attachment, fear, hope, grief, and nervous system conditioning are complex.
Healing is rarely a single dramatic moment.
Sometimes it begins with one quiet thought:
“I deserve peace.”
How to Start Breaking Free
Healing doesn’t happen through shame.
It happens through compassion.
A few gentle first steps:
Reconnect With Reality
Write down patterns—not promises.
Look at actions over time.
Limit the Emotional Loop
Constant checking, rereading messages, and revisiting conversations can intensify attachment.
Reach Out for Support
Trusted friends, trauma-informed support groups, or mental health professionals can help.
Learn About Trauma Responses
Understanding your nervous system can reduce self-blame.
Focus on Self-Reconnection
Healing is not only about leaving pain behind.
It’s about rebuilding a connection with yourself.
If you’re looking for emotional wellness resources, guided self-help tools, and recovery support, visit Fitness Hacks for Life’s resources hub:Fitness Hacks for Life Resources
Final Thoughts
If this resonated deeply, please hear this:
You are not “too attached.”
You are not irrational.
You are not failing.
Sometimes the patterns that kept us emotionally attached were built in pain—not love.
