Author: FTHMG

The covert narcissist’s hooks won’t catch everyone, but they’re likely to entrap co-dependent and empathic personality types almost 100% of the time.  The covert narcissist differs in some ways to their louder counterpart – the overt narcissist, who is easier to spot with their strong sense of entitlement, arrogant nature, disregard for others and lack of empathy.  These folks are loud and proud and have earned their place and title in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).  The covert narcissist is not recognised in the DSM and often presents as the happy-go-lucky sweetie, an altruistic eunuch or the friendly quiet guy who smiles at you every day.  They may appear harmless and unassuming, but they are anything but.  They do all their damage behind closed doors and use emotional manipulation to gain control.  An overt narcissist will stamp on any random stranger who gets in their way (i.e. road rage) but the covert narcissist saves all his or her bad behaviour for their loved one.

Covert Narcissist Say

The covert narcissist may say, ‘Oh you don’t want to listen to me go on but thank you so much for being there for me, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had not been there, ugh I shudder to think, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, you are an angel.”.  This may make the recipient feel overly responsible for the emotional wellbeing and safety of a person they don’t even know very well.  It also moves the relationship from that of a casual acquaintance into something much more significant.

The covert narcissist really comes to life in the bedroom.  Physical intimacy and seduction are their main speciality and they will move in on their target quickly and relentlessly in the early stages of the relationship.  The emotional connection feels very real and the intensity of it makes the connection feel deeper than it actually is.  They promise their new girl/boyfriend a lifetime of support, but when they are called upon to give any, they back away and complain that their partner is too demanding.

Later Stages of the New Relationship

In the later stages of the new relationship, there may be random passive aggressive insults or accusations thrown around that are not based in reality but still prompt the target to defend themselves. The attention and blame then move away from the narcissist and onto the target. This type of gaslighting throws victims of narcissistic abuse off guard and cause them to doubt themselves and start to feel they are somehow indebted to the narcissist.

When the relationship ends or when the target wakes up to see the narcissist for who they really are, they’ll experience a range of emotions and are likely to feel very confused.  Their mind will be pre-occupied with working out where they went wrong, what they can do to ‘fix’ it, or what can they do to get over this person.  In time they will start to experience glimmers of awareness and helpful insights, but for now this person is going to feel emotionally and psychologically drained.  Their self-worth has taken another dive, they’re walking around in a daze and they’re feeling intense loneliness.  To gain an understanding of what happened right under their very nose, they need to work out how they came emotionally enmeshed with a master manipulator in the first place.

Was the Narcissist Genuinely INTERESTED in who I was during our time together?

A narcissist is generally disinterested in anyone other than themselves.  They have no regard whatsoever for what goes on inside another person.  This makes it unlikely that they’ll attempt to find out more about their new boy/girlfriend or existing partner unless this information serves a purpose.  This means they don’t care about anyone else’s opinions, values, thoughts, emotions or what their favourite movie is.  You can tell them about something that has affected you deeply, but it goes right over their head and doesn’t seem to be even acknowledged.  This is because not only is any of what you say of any interest to the narcissist, but they are threatened by someone else’s stuff as it takes the attention off them.  The narcissist continues to minimise or ignore the everyday activities, worries or joys of their ‘loved’ one because they simply don’t care, but also, they are mindful to never reward another person’s ‘stuff’ with their attention.

Narcissist Intend

A narcissist is only interested in learning what they need to know to support the illusion they are genuinely invested in the wellbeing of another person.  If their partner believes this, (or desperately wants to believe it) then the narcissist can get what they want from them.  They have to pretend to be interested in the life of their romantic partner and will be, for the most part, quite convincing if their co-dependent partner is ‘asleep’.  Co-dependents are great people watchers but once they start to wake up, their BS detection skills, along with their powers of observation improve dramatically.  They are able to see patterns within their relationships and begin to realise that the types of people they have been attracting have all been self-serving, one-sided and in-genuine (including friendships).

The narcissist’s ‘lack of interest’ is really a nicer way of describing their underlying contempt – which sums up all they really feel for their romantic partner (as well as most other folks).  Their lack of interest can be detected in a number of ways, the most notable is how they brush over anything their partner has to say.  They may respond to their conversation with total silence, by changing the subject, accusing their partner of being negative, or flattering them in an overt way that has nothing to do with the actual topic of conversation.  These tactics work well to stop them from sharing their every-day concerns, worries, feelings, emotions or personal goals, or whatever is uniquely to do with THEM, and not so much with the narcissist.

Two Circumstances

There are only one or two circumstances whereby the narcissist will verbally express an interest in their partner’s personal stuff.  Fear of losing their partner may prompt them to act and this is when a suspiciously timed, kind and considerate comment or question will be pulled out the bag.  Much to the co-dependent’s surprise, they find out that the narcissist HAD been listening to them during the initial conversation but was in fact saving any acknowledgment of it for emergencies (manipulation purposes) only.  They also show interest in their partner’s ‘stuff’ as they judge and criticise it.  The narcissist will never genuinely support any of their partner’s dreams, aspiration or decisions because all that is about another person and not the narcissist.  If you feel like you’re not being heard – ever – then it’s because the person you’re talking to only hears what they need to hear, which is anything that relates directly to them.

The covert narcissist will appear to be totally infatuated with their new girl/boyfriend, they seem to be in love with the very essence of you, yet all the unique aspects that make a person who they are, i.e., their personal history, what they enjoy doing, their thoughts, feelings and their specific goals, will be rejected by the narcissist when he or she turns their back on any conversation that is not focussed on them or their needs.  The co-dependent notices that this pattern of behaviour doesn’t quite align with how the narcissist has presented themselves, but will often dismiss it by thinking, “Maybe this is just his way of keeping me on track and focussed on what really matters”.  Which is very true.

Tactics to Covert Narcissists to Manipulate

The following tactics are used by covert narcissists to manipulate their targets into believing they’re loved and supported instead of being used for gain.

Flattery and Fantasy

The covert narcissist is an expert flatterer and they love to engage in fantasy talk during the early stages of a would-be romantic connection.  These tactics are also used by the overt narcissist, but not as consistently because the overt narcissist expects flattery to be directed at them, not the other way around.  Flattery is a highly manipulative tool and works well on those who’ve seldom heard a kind word from previous romantic partners or their parents.  To be told you are beautiful, sexy, wonderful, funny and smart, over and over again, is a powerful grooming technique when used on the right person.  But the narcissist’s flattery doesn’t align with their actions or their responses to actual conversations and everyday reality.  Their sweet talk and promises of a wonderful life are an oasis in the desert to the approval and acceptance starved co-dependent but like the oasis, none of it is real.  The covert narcissist also appears to be very in touch with their emotional side, and this can be very appealing to the co-dependent who has only ever known overt narcissists and/or emotionally abusive parent(s).

Flattering comments

Flattering comments are intended to hit the mark and will be carefully customised around what they think the other person needs to hear.  If the co-dependent steps in to help the covert narcissist in some way (as they are likely to do) they’ll be given the “You’re such a good person – truly one in a million, there’s not many people left in the world like you” line, which makes the co-dependent feel accepted, wanted and approved of, and are likely all the things they never felt as a child.  Random golden nuggets of acceptance are delivered into the conversation but are often inappropriately placed and non-specific, i.e. the same complement might be said to a random stranger.  Comments that refer to ‘being together’ in the future cement the deal for the co-dependent and although these suggestions are out-the-blue and inappropriate to the relationship timeline, they don’t seem to notice because they already believe they’ve met the man of their dreams.

Are they living in the Real World?   

The covert narcissist’s thinking is largely fantasy-based, and conversations often revolve around plans for the future or escaping from, or idolising their past.  They will draw their partner into their fantasy world where the present is seldom discussed.  They don’t wish to know what’s happening in the everyday life of their girl/boyfriend and if they are being subjected to any details about it, they’ll play a mini-silent treatment or quickly change the subject to their preferred type of conversation – one that fantasises achieving the near-impossible, such as winning the lottery.  They live their life idealising everything in life they want but don’t have and keep drawing their partners into the delusion.

Poor Me Syndrome

The ‘Poor Me’ tactic works well on the sleeping co-dependent because it activates their deeply embedded people-pleasing programme.  They were likely watching their parent(s) from a very early age instead of climbing trees and are experts at making someone ‘feel better’ because when someone else feels OK, their life gets better by default.

If they see an injured bird, they’re there – running through fire and traffic to help.  An emotionally injured narcissist lets out a distress signal that only the co-dependent hears.  Their wounds are often the result of the unwanted departure of their long-suffering wife or husband.  This causes a huge narcissistic injury and the co-dependent is now racing towards them with their superhero cape flapping behind them.  They are now on hand to mop the brow of this individual who is clearly suffering.  The narcissist is not used to being on the receiving end of suffering as they are the ones who routinely dish it out – this situation is new and totally unfair for them.

Narcissist Laps up all the Loving Concern

The narcissist laps up all the loving concern and advise and starts to demand more and more of it, and all the while, the truth of their situation is withheld or concealed.  Being secretive, withholding information under the guise of it being too painful to discuss, or they are not emotionally ready to disclose it yet, buys them time and more attention.  The co-dependent fills in the gaps to the story but is often way off the mark.  The amount of pain the narcissist expresses makes the co-dependent think that their former partner must have passed away and he can’t yet say the words, ‘my wife has died’.  Whatever is said, not said, lied about or fantasised about, their goal is to secure empathy, support and narcissistic supply.

When the co-dependent finally realises that not all is what it seems to be, they have already been seduced, hooked and weakened.  If they listen to their instincts and their friends, they’ll soon join the real world and see things as they are, and the ‘cruel’ (or presumed dead) ex-wife will be seen more like a victim.

What Happens when you Terminate a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist?

Here a narcissist’s true identity will be revealed, and their target has their suspicions confirmed – they are dealing with a master manipulator who couldn’t care less about them.  Guilt-tripping tactics are used with gay abandon and suddenly the narcissist’s victim is no longer the most amazing person in the world, they are the worst person in the world.    They’ll say, “You were all I had in the world, now I have no-one” – even though you first met only a few weeks ago.  They’ll tell you how devastated they are and will shout and scream, over and over “What did I do?”, dramatically on the street, or in front of neighbours or work colleagues.

Bullshitting

But they are not bullshitting this time, they truly are devastated – they don’t want to be alone, because they can’t be alone.  They engage in some self-bashing in an attempt to get their target to feel sorry for them but will quickly revert to blaming the other person for misleading and not being open or honest (which is really a projection of their own behaviour).  They will ignore the target’s personal boundaries and bombard them with more ‘poor me’ talk, accusations, blaming or whatever works to get their target back in place. They will make this already exhausted person feel responsible for ruining their life and abandoning them.

The guilt-trips are effective in preventing the target from remembering what is real and what is not and distracts them as they try to heal and recover.  Meanwhile, the narcissist won’t be suffering for long, he will already be out fishing for his next victim and he’s very good at what he does.

Repelling or Avoiding the Covert Narcissist

The saying, ‘prevention is better than cure’ comes to mind here.  It is far easier to deflect a highly manipulative person in the early stages of a relationship or friendship than later on down the track.  The post-separation stage will feel like psychological warfare and the victim will become acutely aware of just how low the narcissist will go in their attempts to turn them – the victim, into the bad guy.

The following guidelines are taken from Dr Todd Grande’s (2019) YouTube video – Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits and details the steps we can take to gently untangle ourselves from someone who is getting way too close for comfort.  Most rejections will repel a vulnerable narcissist.

1. Don’t do things for them that they can do themselves.
2. Don’t accept any in-genuine help from them.
3. Encouraging them to make decisions on their own will likely repel them – they want you on board to help.
4. Keep away from, or don’t express interest in a physical relationship – they will typically want to advance this quickly and they are very persuasive.
5. Maintain your boundaries, i.e. let them know what is OK for you, and what is not.
6. Don’t let them do you any favours – this will be used against you and give the narcissist an opportunity to say you owe them.
7. Put them in their place – let them know exactly where they fit into your life. If they try to gaslight you into believing the friendship is more than it is, or that they have known you for a lot longer than they really have – state the reality for them.
8. Be happy for them when they do anything that doesn’t involve you. Encouraging them to do things separately from you will repel them because they want you to need them as they need you.
9. When they try to advance the relationship, i.e. changing the mode of contact to a more intimate one, or suggesting you have lunch in a café together instead at work with other colleagues, say, “I like the way things are now”.

Recovering and Healing

Recovering and healing begins by looking inside ourselves for answers.  What was it about us that attracted such a person in the first place?  Why did we ignore the signs and our own intuition?  Why do we need to pretend all is OK when it isn’t?  Have we been seeing reality for what it is, or only what we want it to be?  Have our previous partners been looking for love or looking for help?

What do we need to address within ourselves, to make the shift towards attracting emotionally healthy, authentic people into our lives?

If this post resonates with you or someone you know, please comment and share!  My goal is to connect with others to bring awareness and choice to those affected by childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse.

Zoe is a Kinesiologist and Natural Health and Wellbeing Practitioner, specialising in the healing from co-dependent relationships.  See www.innerhealthandhealing.net to learn more about how kinesiology can help us recover and heal energetically from toxic relationships and previously held co-dependent patterns, so we can live more meaningful lives.  Follow the BLOG – “A Recovery of Self” for notifications of upcoming posts on recovery and healing from childhood emotional neglect, codependency and narcissistic abuse.

Photo by Heleno-Kaizer on Unsplash

References:

American Psychiatric Association (2013):  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 2013 (5^th edition).  U.S:  American Psychiatric Association.

Grande, T (2019) Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits, YouTube video, viewed September 2019.

Our Posts are Not a Stand in For Professional Mental Care. Find Your Preferred Provider at TheraConnect.net

• Setting aside a specific time to fret and express worries can ease your mind.
  
  
  
  
  Did you know that just putting your worries into words and expressing them out loud or on paper (or your phone or computer) can start you on the path to feeling less anxious? In fact, researchers have found that setting aside blocks of time to record your worries (known as “worry time”) can lead to notable reductions in anxiety.
  
  
  
  
  There are many reasons why this works. Anxiety can often be “free-floating,” which makes it difficult to manage. Simply expressing our anxious thoughts (whether verbally or by writing them down) helps us organize these concerns. Instead of floating freely in our brains, our worries are listed—which makes them much easier to tackle and examine objectively.
  
  
  
  
  Setting aside a specific time and place to express our worry, further, gives us a sense of agency and control. Doing this involves making a conscious decision and taking action. Additionally, it can be incredibly comforting to know that an outlet is in place and on the books.
  
  
  
  
  There are two key ways to make an appointment to worry:
  
  Via verbal expression (set up a time to vent to a friend, schedule or attend a therapy session).
  By setting aside quiet journaling time (this may not need to be scheduled and can be done when the mood strikes).
  
  The most important part is that you let it out. Research shows that the act of putting your feelings into words can lower the level of arousal in the part of the brain that manages emotions and governs our responses to things that are upsetting. This area, known as the amygdala, lights up when we experience stress.
  
  
  
  
  Talking about your problems actually quiets the amygdala, and that enables us to calm down and more logically work through stressful events and situations. Think about the last time you vented to someone you cared about. Didn’t you feel so much better after expressing your feelings and talking it out?
  
  
  
  
  Scientists have also found that the act of writing down your thoughts and worries—journaling—has a similarly powerful cathartic effect. Specifically, putting your thoughts into writing makes a measurable difference in how you feel. While not a substitute for the personal interaction of therapy, journaling has proven to be an incredibly effective way to release some of your anxiety (and it is free and available immediately).
  
  
  
  
  Studies show that writing about traumatic or stressful events makes people feel calmer, happier, and more at ease. The physical health benefits of expressive writing include things like improved immune system functioning (fewer colds!), reduced blood pressure (a longer life!), and fewer stress-related visits to the doctor.
  
  
  
  
  Writing can provide a wonderful outlet to express unspoken thoughts without being judged. You may think, “I can’t write,” but the truth is that you likely have plenty of experience with writing—texting, emailing, blogging, live chatting, and tweeting are all writing exercises! The difference is that instead of public expression, journaling offers you a private and empowering forum to express your own personal truths.
  
  article continues after advertisement.
  
  
  Feeling stressed? Make an appointment to worry. Instead of ruminating (obsessing about something) all day, put your worries on hold. Place them on an imaginary shelf. Decide exactly when you are going to air out your worries—first thing in the morning or end of day? Or perhaps when you actually have a free moment, or when a trusted friend or therapist is available.
  
  
  
  
  If you feel reluctant to verbalize your anxiety, purchase a notebook or journal and do a “worry dump.” Observe your mood after this exercise, and notice the sense of relief afterwards. At minimum, you should notice that your jumbled thoughts are now more organized and that it feels good to take constructive action. You may even gain some clarity and insight.
  
  
  
  
  Most of all—do not suffer in silence. Keeping anxious thoughts and feelings to yourself can be such a heavy burden. It requires effort to hold them back, and that puts a strain on the brain and the body. Employ the curative, cathartic strategy of venting. Make an appointment with yourself, or someone else, to worry—and stop rumination in its tracks.
  
  
  
  
  Portions of this post have been excerpted from my book, Goodbye, Anxiety: A Guided Journal for Overcoming Worry.

Separating love and limerence: when romantic focus becomes fixation.

• Limerence is an intense, involuntary state of unreciprocated obsessive desire.
• Risk factors for limerence include insecure attachment and adverse childhood experiences.
• Limerence involves unrequited love, not reciprocal romantic interest.

Having prosecuted stalking cases for almost 30 years, I have seen many red flags indicating the pathological progression of unrequited love. Yet in reality, many cases of obsessive focus do not lead to criminal charges. With unreciprocated passion, the individual who gets burned may be the one carrying the torch. Research reveals the details of pathological focus and fantasy, discussing the difference between love and limerence.

Source: Image by Terri Sharp from Pixabay

The Longsuffering Longevity of Limerence

Chloe Evans et al. (2026) examined the large body of literature and investigation into limerence, in a piece entitled “Love, Longing and Obsession.”[i] They define limerence as “an intense, chronic, and involuntary state of unreciprocated obsessive relational longing” for a specific person. Recognizing that limerence exists on a continuum, they focus on the pathological progression of impairing limerence, which they define as a form of romantic obsession that is involuntary, intrusive, and chronic.

Regarding the progression, Evans et al. note that limerence starts during adolescence and frequently reoccurs throughout adulthood—consisting of approximately five episodes, each involving a prolonged (about two year) “obsessive fixation and preoccupation” with a particular person. Risk factors in the background of limerent individuals include insecure attachment, adverse childhood experiences, and obsessive-compulsive cognitive traits.

Evans et al. note that limerence appears to be founded upon trauma and relational insecurity, sustained through obsessive-compulsive traits, and influenced by negative moods, particularly loneliness and sadness. Limerence is linked with anxiety, depression, trauma, maladaptive daydreaming; Evans et al. found in one of their studies that limerent thoughts occupy about half of waking life.

As individuals consider whether they or someone they know may suffer from limerent thoughts, it is important to distinguish feelings of limerence from love.

Limerence Is Not Love

Limerence involves unrequited love, not reciprocal romantic interest. Evans et al. note that limerence is an involuntary cognitive-affective state consisting of an intrusive, obsessive, “all-consuming longing and love” for the object of one’s affection—who is typically unaware of their significance. And unlike the development of loving feelings or romantic crushes, Evans et al. note that limerence is involuntary, longer-lasting, and obsessive, involving a hope of reciprocation and idealized fantasies of the person of interest. Regarding duration, Evans et al. note that limerent episodes can last for years at a time, and limerent individuals can transfer their obsession onto different targets.

Unhealthy Attention as Addiction

Evans et al. note the similarity between the features of limerence and behavioral addiction, which include impairment, emotional volatility, and cognitive preoccupation. They note that this comparison also includes obsessive preoccupation, mood modification—where emotional highs and lows are linked with imagined reciprocation or perceived cues, symptoms of withdrawal where distress is caused by lack of contact, conflict with existing relationships, inability to stop thinking about the target, and even relapse, where an individual resumes obsessive cognitions or switches feelings to a new target.

Evans et al. also note that limerence is different from erotomania, defined as a delusional belief that an individual who has status and social power is in love with oneself. With limerent individuals, there is no actual reciprocation, only the illusion of reciprocity through imagination and fantasy, which fuels the experience.

Detecting Red Flags in Pursuit of Relational Resilience

Fortunately, there are ways to identify risk factors that indicate a crush is evolving from focus into fixation. Maladaptive, intrusive thoughts about a stranger, acquaintance, or even a public figure are causes for concern.

Recognizing signs of limerence within oneself or others can prompt the desire to seek help for what may develop into an unhealthy addiction with maladaptive consequences upon current relationships and other life circumstances. Health and wellness prioritize both physical and emotional well-being, which are enhanced by early recognition of harmful thoughts and beliefs, in order to reduce anxiety and promote positive changes. And for anyone already struggling with unrequited obsession, professional help is available.

References

[i] Evans, Chloe, Sian O. Panton, Will H. Strawson, Eleanor Floyd, Stephen Kellett, and Giulia L. Poerio. “Love, Longing and Obsession: Features, Correlates, Comorbidities, and Real-Time Cognitive-Affective Dynamics of Limerence.” Acta Psychologica (Netherlands) 267 (July 2026): 107043.

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Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wait… how did that become my fault?”

You started by trying to talk about something that hurt you, but somehow you ended up defending yourself, apologizing, or questioning your own memory.

One difficult conversation doesn’t mean someone is a narcissist. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental health condition involving a persistent pattern of grandiosity, a strong need for admiration, and reduced empathy. A qualified mental health professional—not a social-media checklist—must make the diagnosis. Mayo Clinic

However, repeated communication patterns can still be worth noticing, particularly if a relationship regularly leaves you feeling confused, dismissed, guilty, or emotionally exhausted.

Here are seven clues to watch for.

1. Somehow, Everything Becomes About Them

You might begin a conversation with:

“I was hurt by what happened yesterday.”

Instead of discussing your feelings, the conversation immediately becomes about their feelings, their problems, their accomplishments, or how difficult you are being.

People with NPD can have an excessive need for admiration and may have difficulty recognizing or responding to other people’s needs and feelings. Mayo Clinic

A healthy conversation doesn’t require one person to disappear emotionally so the other person can take center stage.

2. They Rarely Take Responsibility

You bring up something that hurt you.

Suddenly you hear:

“You made me do it.”

“If you hadn’t said that…”

“You’re the reason I reacted that way.”

Everyone makes mistakes. Healthy relationships involve the ability to acknowledge mistakes, repair damage, and move forward.

A persistent pattern of blaming others while refusing accountability is different.

NPD can involve entitlement, exploitation of others, and difficulty recognizing other people’s feelings. Merck Manuals

The important question isn’t whether someone has ever been defensive.

It’s whether defensiveness is their consistent response whenever they’re challenged.

3. They Twist the Conversation

You remember what you said.

They insist you said something else.

You explain your original point.

Suddenly you’re arguing about five different things—and you’ve forgotten what you were trying to discuss in the first place.

This can leave you feeling confused and questioning your own recollection.

Cleveland Clinic notes that gaslighting can occur in relationships involving NPD, including attempts to convince another person that they said or did something differently. Cleveland Clinic

That doesn’t mean every disagreement or difference in memory is gaslighting.

But if this happens repeatedly, it’s worth paying attention.

4. Your Feelings Get Dismissed

You say:

“That really hurt me.”

They respond:

“You’re too sensitive.”

Or:

“You’re overreacting.”

Or:

“It wasn’t a big deal.”

The conversation shifts away from what happened and toward whether you’re allowed to feel the way you feel.

Having your feelings challenged doesn’t automatically mean someone is narcissistic. People can disagree about an event and still respect each other’s emotions.

The warning sign is a repeated pattern in which your emotional experience is routinely minimized, mocked, or ignored.

Empathy is an important part of healthy relationships, while lack of empathy is one of the diagnostic features associated with NPD. Merck Manuals

5. They Change the Subject When Challenged

You ask a straightforward question.

Instead of answering it, they bring up something you did three months ago.

You try to return to the original issue.

Now you’re defending yourself.

This is sometimes called whataboutism or deflection.

For example:

“Why did you speak to me that way?”

becomes:

“What about the time YOU yelled at me?”

Maybe your behavior does need to be discussed—but it doesn’t erase the original question.

Healthy communication can address both issues without using one to avoid the other.

6. They Need to Win Instead of Understand

Some conversations aren’t really conversations.

They’re competitions.

The objective isn’t:

“Let’s understand each other.”

It’s:

“I’m going to prove that I’m right.”

Someone may interrupt, belittle, exaggerate, change the subject, or become extremely angry when challenged.

People with NPD can be particularly sensitive to criticism or failure and may respond with anger, contempt, counterattacks, or withdrawal. Merck Manuals

Again, one argument doesn’t establish a diagnosis.

Look for the pattern.

Can disagreements eventually become respectful conversations, or does every disagreement become a battle for control?

7. You Consistently Leave the Conversation Feeling Drained

This may be the clue people overlook.

After talking to this person, do you regularly feel:

• Confused?
• Guilty?
• Emotionally exhausted?
• Like you have to explain yourself repeatedly?
• Afraid to bring up certain subjects?
• Like you somehow became the problem?

Your feelings aren’t proof that another person has NPD.

But they are information about your experience.

If a relationship repeatedly leaves you distressed, it may be worth stepping back and looking at the larger pattern rather than focusing on one conversation.

The Most Important Part: Don’t Diagnose From a Conversation

The word “narcissist” is often used casually online. But narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder aren’t the same thing.

A person can be selfish, arrogant, defensive, inconsiderate, or difficult without having NPD.

NPD requires a persistent pattern that meets specific clinical criteria, and diagnosis should be made by a qualified professional. Mayo Clinic

So instead of asking:

“Can I prove they’re a narcissist?”

a more useful question may be:

“Is this relationship healthy for me?”

You don’t need a diagnosis to decide that a behavior is unacceptable.

You can set boundaries.

You can end a conversation.

You can say, “I’m willing to discuss this when we can speak respectfully.”

And you can step away when a conversation becomes emotionally harmful.

Cleveland Clinic specifically recommends healthy boundaries and emphasizes that you cannot force another person with NPD to change; the person has to be willing to change themselves. Cleveland Clinic

You Deserve Conversations Where You Can Be Heard

Healthy communication doesn’t mean agreeing about everything.

It means being able to disagree without constantly being humiliated, dismissed, manipulated, or made responsible for another person’s behavior.

If you recognize these patterns in a relationship and they’re causing significant distress, consider talking with a qualified mental health professional. You don’t have to figure everything out alone.

Your feelings matter.
Your boundaries matter.
And you don’t have to win an argument to deserve respect.

A Note From Fitness Hacks for Life

This article is for general educational and self-help purposes and is not a diagnosis or substitute for professional mental health care. If you’re experiencing an unhealthy or abusive relationship, consider reaching out to a qualified mental health professional or an appropriate support service for guidance.

FitnessHacksForLife.org
Mind • Body • Self-Care

Toxic masculinity is the reason why women do not feel safe in the streets.

Posted March 12, 2021 |  Reviewed by Devon Frye

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The tragic murder of Sarah Everard this past week sparked conversations about women’s safety, misogyny, and male violence. It is not the first time that our society is alerted to what has been termed “toxic masculinity.” There have been many opportunities for discussions and self-reflection recently, particularly with the #MeToo movement a few years ago—and even further back in history, too, with countless feminists and other women speaking up over the years.

Why haven’t we listened yet? Why are there still men who are surprised to hear women’s daily experiences with misogyny? How many more stories of rape, violence, and murder must we face before we confront the roots of toxic masculinity?

Toxic masculinity is the result of a set of strict rules that prescribe what being a man should be. These toxic “man rules” include:

1. A man should suffer physical and emotional pain in silence.
2. A man shouldn’t seek warmth, comfort, or tenderness.
3. A man should only have the emotions of bravery and anger. Any other emotions are weaknesses. Weakness is unacceptable.
4. A man shouldn’t depend on anyone. Asking for help is also weak.
5. A man should always want to win, whether in sports, work, relationships, or sex.

We don’t have to look far to see traces of toxic masculinity in many men. Why is that? It is not because men are naturally bad people. It is because men were boys who were often taught terrible lessons from a very young age—for example, “boys shouldn’t cry,” “boys shouldn’t be sensitive,” “boys should defend themselves,” “boys shouldn’t want to play with girl’s toys,” “boys should be rough,” “boys should want to conquer the heart of girls,” etc. These are only a few of the very common damaging messages boys grow up to absorb.

The consequence of this kind of messaging is boys becoming men who are emotionally blunt, and who may find it hard to connect with others—particularly their girlfriends or wives, if they’re heterosexual. In most cases, these messages will make it difficult for these men to have a good relationship with their partners. But in the worst of cases, it can transform into rage and, unfortunately, murder.

Toxic masculinity doesn’t only kill women. It kills men, too. Within those strict “man rules,” men can become desperately unhappy and unable to reach out. Three-quarters of deaths by suicide in England and Wales are men.

If we want to change the world, if we want to stop misogyny, if we want women to be safe in our streets and men to be psychologically healthier, we need to start with how we raise our boys—in every single household, in schools, and in our communities.

It’s a long road to changing our society, but we must start now. Turning a blind eye or not challenging those “man rules” is colluding with them. We must challenge those rules every single time, and then, in time, we may prevent future tragedies.

*first published on psychology today

About the Author

Silva Neves is a COSRT-accredited and UKCP-registered psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist in London.

Online:

 Silva Neves, Facebook, X, Instagram

Learning your emotional red flags is a way to boost your emotional intelligence.

Have you noticed how certain topics evoke in you a variety of emotions? Mainly unpleasant ones. Some might make you angry or envious. Guilty or sad. Or, unlike your friends or close ones, it truly bothers you when people ask you about certain personal issues. For some, it’s questions or conversations about money; for others, it’s romantic relationships; for others, reading or receiving engagement news; and so on.

Source: Photo by JodyHongFilms on Unsplash

Many times, these feelings of anger, sadness or envy, can generate a strong feeling of shame. Shame because we aren’t living up to our own expectations or those of other people.

In Brené Brown’s latest book, Dare to Lead, she mentions, “wherever perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun.” And many of these emotional triggers stem from perfectionism. We feel ashamed to admit that we’re angry because we see a co-worker get a promotion. Or when we see that our best friend is on her second pregnancy, and we might still be struggling with fertility.

Whatever the “theme” or “topic” that fosters these unpleasant feelings in you, it’s important to put shame aside. As Brené Brown motivates us to do, embrace vulnerability and truly ask ourselves: “What is it about this person’s experiences or opportunities that makes me so angry?” If we allow ourselves to ask this question, we can begin to spot our emotional triggers.

What is an emotional trigger?

An emotional trigger is any topic that makes us feel uncomfortable. These emotional triggers are telling us which aspects in our life we might feel frustrated or unsatisfied with. As mentioned above, it can vary in each person because we are all struggling with something different.

When we can identify what bothers us, we can take action to protect our mental health. Even though we can’t avoid all of the situations that may emotionally trigger us, we can take actionable steps to take care of ourselves and develop a strong inner voice to help navigate us through these uncomfortable situations.

When we know our emotional triggers, we can choose to not expose ourselves to situations that harm our mental health, or to digital content that can generate unpleasant emotions. The idea is not to run away from these situations and create a bubble that separates you from the outer world, however. Being aware simply helps us know our limitations and avoid — as much as possible – exposing ourselves to those situations that hurt us and negatively affect our mental health and self-esteem.

How do I know what my emotional triggers are?

It may look different for each person, but here are a series of questions that can help you discover what your emotional triggers are:

1. A close friend or relative shares some exciting news about themselves. You’re happy for them but can’t help feeling envious.What’s the news about? Is it a job promotion? A new car? Is she getting married? Does he have a new relationship? Are they expecting a child?
2. Have you noticed there’s someone you follow on social media to whom you constantly compare yourself?What’s the thing that bothers you the most about their posts? How do you handle it?
3. Have you noticed there is a topic of conversation that triggers you when hanging out with friends and/or family?“Yes, when they talk about _________.”

Answering these questions can bring you closer to spotting your emotional triggers.

What can you do?

First of all, we need to be clear that there are some situations/people/conversations that we can consciously limit our exposure to, while others are completely out of our control.

The important thing about spotting and identifying your emotional triggers is that it can alert us about our own mental health and help us become more aware. When we are more aware, we can begin to take responsibility for the way we manage our emotions, as opposed to letting them control us. When we can’t manage or process our emotions appropriately, we end up simply reacting to others.

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It’s extremely difficult when someone opens a conversation that’s linked to an emotional trigger. It’s difficult for us to distance ourselves from our emotions and think clearly. But we must keep two things in mind:

1. The other person’s intention. The friend or relative who is hitting that emotional scar might be blissfully unaware of the pain you’re experiencing. And while you might not feel comfortable enough to talk about this with them (yet), it’s important to keep a fresh perspective about the other person’s intention. When it’s someone who truly loves us and cares about us, their comments are rarely ill-intentioned. So, it’s important to be patient with them as well, and slowly yet assertively communicate our boundaries with them.
2. Our own pain. It’s important to understand that whatever we are feeling, wherever we are hurting is caused by a reality in our lives. We mustn’t run away from these feelings, but steer away from the shame and completely own them. You are allowed to feel all the feels and take as much time as you need, but you are also responsible for learning new ways to manage these emotions. (Psychotherapy is a wonderful space to learn how to do this.)

Just like we don’t know what type of troubles or issues other people may be going through, others might be completely unaware of our own struggles. So, let’s have patience with these people who we know care about us and are generally our support system — they are doing the best job they can do. And if you feel they could be doing a better job, tell them in a loving and vulnerable way.

Let’s take advantage of our support system, learn to trust and rely on them. Let’s share the load of our emotional triggers.

Narcissistic abuse has a way of continuing long after the relationship itself ends. The criticism, the second-guessing, the constant effort to keep the peace, all of it keeps echoing in your head even when the other person is no longer in the room. That is why so many survivors describe feeling like they lost themselves rather than simply losing a partner.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is a gradual process that requires consistent support. It is rarely a single breakthrough moment. It is more often a series of small, repeated choices that slowly return you to your own life, your own perceptions, and your own sense of worth. The steps below are meant to be worked through at your own pace, not all at once.

What Narcissistic Abuse Leaves Behind

The effects of long-term narcissistic abuse tend to show up in several areas at once. Survivors commonly describe gaslighting, codependency, and symptoms associated with complex PTSD as part of their experience. Recognizing the different types of abuse can help you understand what you have been living through, and it can also make it easier to explain your experience to a trusted friend or family member who wants to support you.

Naming what happened matters because it interrupts the story that you were the problem. Abuse that is repeated, subtle, and denied is confusing by design. Before any healing step can take hold, it helps to accept that confusion as a normal response to an abnormal situation rather than evidence of your own weakness.

Step 1: Get Safe and Stabilize

There is no way to recover from the long-term effects of narcissistic abuse while the abuse is still ongoing. If you are still in contact with someone who is actively harming you, safety comes before processing. That might mean limiting contact, changing routines, or involving people you trust.

If you are researching this topic on a shared device, take basic privacy steps. Domestic violence support sites commonly offer an escape option, such as clicking an “X” in the top right corner or pressing the Escape key twice to leave the page quickly, along with instructions to regularly clear your browsing history. Hotlines and crisis directories exist for exactly this reason, and if you are in immediate danger in the United States, 988 is available as a crisis line. Reaching out does not commit you to any particular decision. It simply gets another person in the room with you.

Step 2: Reprogram Your Nervous System

One of the first therapist-backed steps in healing is settling your nervous system, because a body stuck in threat mode cannot do the slower work of reflection. Survivors often live in a state of hypervigilance, waiting for the next mood shift, the next criticism, the next silent treatment. Even after the relationship ends, that alertness stays switched on.

Regulating your nervous system is less about grand gestures and more about repetition. Consistent sleep and wake times, regular meals, movement that feels good rather than punishing, time outdoors, and slow breathing are all ways to signal safety to your body. The point is not to feel calm immediately. The point is to give your body regular evidence that the emergency is over, so it can gradually stop bracing for it.

Step 3: Break the Trauma Bond

A trauma bond is the attachment that forms through cycles of harm and relief. The warm moments feel disproportionately powerful precisely because they are rare, and that contrast is what keeps people returning to someone who hurts them. Breaking the bond usually means reducing contact, and it also means accepting that the pull you feel is a nervous system response rather than proof of love.

Why Closure Rarely Comes From the Other Person

Many survivors stay in contact far longer than they want to because they are waiting for an explanation, an apology, or an acknowledgment that they were treated badly. That search for closure is one of the most common traps in recovery. A person who has spent years avoiding accountability is unlikely to suddenly provide it, and every attempt to get it tends to reopen the wound.

Closure, in practice, is something you build rather than something you receive. It might look like writing an unsent letter, deciding that the record of what happened is enough, or simply stopping the internal debate about whether your version of events is fair. You do not need agreement from anyone to trust what you lived through.

Step 4: Rebuild Self-Trust

Narcissistic abuse trains you to doubt your own read on reality. You learn to check your memory, soften your reactions, and assume you are overreacting. Undoing that habit is one of the most important parts of recovery, and it happens through small acts of self-validation rather than one big decision.

• Notice when you talk yourself out of what you felt, and name it instead.

• Keep a written record of events, decisions, and how you felt, so your memory has an anchor.

• Check your perceptions with one or two trusted people rather than with the person who harmed you.

• Start with low-stakes decisions and follow through on your own preferences.

Over time, these repetitions rebuild the internal reference point that abuse dismantled. You become the authority on your own experience again.

Step 5: Rebuild Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries

Rebuilding self-esteem and understanding and establishing healthy boundaries are two of the clearest signs that healing is underway, which means they are also two of the areas worth working on directly. Self-esteem after abuse is often less about self-confidence and more about self-permission: the right to have preferences, to say no, and to leave situations that hurt.

Boundaries are the practical version of that permission. In recovery, a boundary might look like ending a conversation when it turns into ridicule, declining a family gathering where you will be scapegoated, or refusing to explain a decision more than once. Expect pushback. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries rarely welcome the change, and discomfort on their end is not proof you did something wrong.

Step 6: Replace Old Coping Patterns

Survivors develop coping strategies that made sense in context. Over-explaining, apologizing preemptively, monitoring someone else’s mood, and shrinking your own needs are all adaptations to an unpredictable environment. Developing healthier coping skills means trading these patterns for ones that serve you now.

• Grounding practices you can use in the moment when memories intrude.

• A short list of people you can contact when the urge to reach out spikes.

• Structure in your day, since empty time is often when rumination peaks.

• Physical outlets such as walking, stretching, or any steady movement that discharges tension.

This step takes time because these patterns are well practiced. Slips are information about what still needs support, not evidence of failure.

Step 7: Build Consistent Support

Healing is difficult to do alone, and the research-backed advice consistently points toward ongoing support rather than isolated effort. That support can take several forms: a therapist familiar with trauma, a support group, a small number of trusted friends, or structured workbooks that guide you through reflection between sessions.

If cost or access is a barrier, free mental health workbooks and educational articles can give you a starting structure, and low-cost therapy options through therapist matching services and donation-funded subsidy programs exist to remove some of the financial obstacle. Crisis resource directories can also connect you to hotlines when things feel acute rather than ongoing.

Signs You Are Healing

Progress in recovery is often easier to see in hindsight than in the moment. These markers are commonly described by survivors and by the professionals who work with them.

• You are rebuilding self-esteem and can hear criticism without collapsing.

• You understand and establish healthy boundaries without long negotiation.

• You are developing healthier coping skills and rely less on old patterns.

• You spend less time trying to figure out why the other person behaved the way they did.

• You can go longer stretches without checking their activity or rehearsing explanations.

Setbacks Are Part of the Process

Recovery is not linear, and a hard week does not erase progress. Anniversaries, unexpected messages, family events, and moments of exhaustion can all bring old feelings back with surprising force. That resurgence is common and does not mean you have returned to the beginning.

What tends to matter most is what you do next. Returning to the page, the breath, the phone call to a friend, or the therapy appointment is the recovery. The step back is not the story.

A Note on Family and Estrangement

Narcissistic dynamics often run through families, not just romantic relationships. Favoritism and scapegoating can push siblings and adult children toward estrangement, sometimes permanently. If you have chosen distance from a parent or relative, that decision is a boundary rather than a failure, and you are allowed to grieve the family you wanted while keeping the distance that protects you.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does healing from narcissistic abuse take?

There is no fixed timeline that applies to everyone. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a gradual process that depends on how long the abuse lasted, how much contact you still have, and how much consistent support you can access. Survivors often notice meaningful change in how they respond to triggers before they feel fully “done,” because healing tends to move in layers rather than as one event.

What are the signs I am healing?

Common signs include rebuilding self-esteem, understanding and establishing healthy boundaries, and developing healthier coping skills. You may also notice that you spend less energy trying to decode the other person’s behavior, that you recover faster after a difficult memory, and that you can make small decisions without needing outside confirmation. These signs usually appear gradually and are not always noticeable until you look back.

Can I recover if I still have contact with the person?

Ongoing abuse makes recovery very difficult, especially when contact is frequent or unpredictable. Some people manage limited, structured contact, often for co-parenting or family reasons, and build strong boundaries around it. If contact cannot be reduced safely, focus first on support and safety planning, and consider speaking with a professional who understands abuse dynamics before making major changes.

Do I need a therapist to recover?

Therapy is not the only path, but consistent support is strongly associated with healing. That support can come from a trauma-informed therapist, a support group, trusted friends, or structured workbooks used alongside professional guidance. If cost, insurance, or waitlists are obstacles, free workbooks, therapist matching services, and donation-funded subsidy programs can help reduce those barriers so support becomes more accessible.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not about becoming a different person. It is about returning to the one you were before you had to organize your life around someone else’s reactions. Start with safety, add support, and let the smaller steps accumulate. If you are in crisis, reach out to 988 or a domestic violence hotline today, and if you are simply trying to find your footing, the free tools and low-cost therapy connections at Fitness Hacks for Life and TheraConnect are there to help you take the next step.

A Personal Perspective: The importance of empathy.

It’s strange that the word judgmental is pejorative. Judgment is a necessary part of thought. A woman judges that she would enjoy the shrimp more than the chicken. A child judges that it would be better to do her homework than be punished for not turning it in. A musician with an alcohol use disorder judges it too great a risk to drink the shot of whiskey a fan offers on his break. Technically, it is judgmental to declare that being judgmental is bad.

I know, of course, what sort of judgments the word judgmental condemns. They come from people who advance opinions as if they were handed down from “God”–people who constantly find fault and seem to relish doing so—people who feel their own ideas and behaviors are always right, while other people wallow in foolishness and malfeasance. It’s worth noting, though, that the judgments we call judgmental are more likely to be those we don’t agree with than those we do.

Judgment is not confined to humans. My cat judges Brand A delicious, Brand B uneatable–today. Better to question the judgment, not the right to judge.

To judge without being judgmental requires empathy. If our judgment is negative, this involves experiencing some of the judged person’s pain. Though empathy is, I judge, a good thing and forms the foundation of Judeo-Christian morality—”Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”–it can cause a lot of pain.

Like many kids shopping for Halloween pumpkins and Christmas trees, I felt sad for the less attractive specimens. I was glad my mother didn’t throw away our jack-o’-lanterns but used them to make pumpkin pie. Kid-logic said this was less “mean” than dumping it in the trash. I cried to see our once-beautiful Christmas tree, shedding tinsel and brown needles, lying beside the garbage can with the other discarded trees that lined our street.

As I got older, I learned to tamp down the intensity of these feelings. Excessive and impractical were my dad’s words, and he was right. I had to keep my empathy in check to be a reasonably functional kid. I have to do the same as an adult or burst into tears every time I read a newspaper, pass a homeless person shouting on the street, or disappoint a student with a bad grade.

And then there is the minefield of desire.

My empathy surged today when I saw, on YouTube, a video of a very large woman castigating men as moral miscreants and “fat-phobes” if they did not judge her attractive. Her pain had to be extreme to force her into the humiliating and hopeless position of trying to hector men into wanting her. A video of a trans-woman offering reasons why men should choose her over a biological woman was even more heartbreaking since she wasn’t accusing; she was pleading.

Biology is cruel. The biology of mating is so fiendishly cruel that it may make us feel that our judgments are prejudiced and morally wrong. Sexual attraction may be influenced by culture, in which case protests and complaints might modify it. But maybe it can’t be. It’s certain that once what turns us on has taken hold, it seems immutable. What reputable psychologist would suggest that a man’s drive to have sex with other men can or should be changed?

Grapefruit, to me, tastes almost sweet. To my friend, it’s bitter, unpalatable. Our mouth chemistry is different. No amount of arguing, reasoning, or behavior modification will change that. We have our preferences. Like it or not, we judge.

Any preference for one thing over another can feel cruel, especially when we are what is not preferred. When that happens, we may shut down, grieve, or lash out at the perceived injustice. We may wish to punish those who find us wanting, whether as a pitcher in Little League or a life partner.

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I’ve felt that way more than I like to admit. Most writers, even successful ones, frequently offer their work— the awful infinitive is to submit—and get a “No” for their trouble. Proponents of everybody-gets-a-trophy want to spare children the pain of being judged as not good enough. Still, eventually, the world will have its unapologetic say.

The field of psychology has done a lot to foster emotional sensitivity. My training as a psychotherapist stressed helping others discover and express their true feelings, including judgments/preferences that would hurt or anger others. A woman convinced she likes football because her husband does, risks disapproval and rejection by admitting the truth to her husband and herself. A man pressured by his friend to invest with more risk than he is comfortable with may risk the friendship by telling his friend no.

We have a right to our feelings, including our judgments. This is “Intro to Psychotherapy” stuff. Still, it can be easy to find ourselves back in a metaphorical therapy chair, needing to ask ourselves, “How does that make you feel?”

This is especially true when our preferences and judgments, conscious or unconscious, hurt others. We must all develop some degree of emotional armor to make necessary decisions in our world. But we harm ourselves as well as others if we become callous. Faced with the need to accept or reject, praise, ignore, or condemn, I try to acknowledge, to myself, if no one else, when I feel sorry to say no. Called upon to judge, we reinforce our own humanity when we let ourselves feel empathy, even when the feeling brings us pain.

References

De Waal, F. (2010). The Age of Empathy: Nature’s Lessons for a Kinder Society. New York, NY. Crown Publishing.

Life stressors can lead to nasty diseases. Here’s how to chill out.

For many of us, stress starts when we wake and ramps up throughout the day. We are steeped in it. For the worst afflicted, it can define their lives. We may no longer have to deal with lions on the savannah, but we have stressors aplenty, and they are unrelenting.

Our mad world is full of stress

Source: Tero Vesalainen/iStock

A short stress sampler:

• Rising healthcare costs are worrisome, especially if we have chronic conditions.
• Tweeting presidents are stressful (even presidential supporters often cringe at his tweets).
• Global climate change makes us wonder if we should even bother to have kids.
• Facebook is depressing (why does it seem that our friends are always having a better time than we are?).
• Environmental toxins slowly chip away at our health.
• Unhealthy fast food makes us sick (the source of much microbial dysfunction).
• Lack of sleep or nasty shift schedules keep us constantly drowsy.

Feel free to add to the list.

Our jobs stress us. The boss is bossy, and we are often asked to work a little extra—like weekends or nights. Predictable nine-to-five workdays are a thing of the past. Instead, we have “flexible” hours, a sweet-sounding euphemism meaning the boss can reach us anytime, any day. We can stand up to our boss, of course, but the last person who did that is still sending out resumes.

The omnipresent cell phone that was supposed to liberate us has become our jailer. With our lives on continuous hold, how can we even plan for future events? We never know when the call will come; it’s not up to us.

That uncertainty, coupled with our powerlessness over it, is a toxic combo. It can make us vulnerable to generalized anxiety disorder, affecting one in 20 people—and growing. There is no release, and it can make us sick.

Humans are fantastic prediction machines.

What our minds can do is truly amazing. We call it “thinking,” but predicting the future is the real secret sauce. When we make a decision, we already have expectations for the consequences. It is such a deep part of our psyche, we don’t even notice it.

When someone tosses us something, we reach out to catch it (or duck) without a thought. Our brain understands gravity and parabolas well enough to predict where any projectile is going—a phenomenal calculation of the future that we undertake with aplomb.

That speedy predictive power is handy in a demanding world that may depend on us to duck, but it also means that we can’t appreciate how central prediction is to our well-being. And so, when it is denied us, we don’t always know why we feel so put out. When our circumstances keep us from making predictions, anxiety starts to cloud our minds.

Homeostasis

A rock doesn’t respond if you kick it. It doesn’t care if you pour acid on it. But insults like that are stressors for living creatures, which have the amazing ability to respond to them by adjusting their biochemistry to stabilize the situation.

If you become acidic, your body quickly adjusts by forcing you to breathe faster, forcing out acidic carbon dioxide. Your kidneys produce bicarbonate to neutralize the acid. This amazing push-back against stressors is called homeostasis, and it is one of the main distinguishing features of life.

The gut-brain axis

Trillions of bacteria live in our gut, and on a good day, they are in homeostatic balance with each other and with us. Remarkably, stress can affect these gut microbes. When we pump out adrenaline and cortisol, we are putting our body on action alert: our muscles power-up, our mind races.

That takes energy away from our guts. The rules of evolution have crafted this reaction for a good reason: First, we run from the lion, only then do we worry about digestion.

Our immune system is also put on hold. We can deal with our flu after we escape the lion. But that combination makes our gut vulnerable to invasion by certain unruly microbes that are always waiting for us to drop our guard. Thus stress may lead to a leaky gut that, in turn, can give us systemic inflammation that contributes to anxiety. This is a positive feedback loop, and it can be overwhelming.

It’s a two-way street

Our gut microbes can also affect our stress levels. Part of that is super reasonable: When we eat poison, either from a bad oyster or a Russian spy, we need to pay attention, and that dials up our anxiety. The anxiety helps us to focus on the problem at hand and to find a toilet, STAT.

The way our gut talks to our mind is sometimes blatant. Big messages are routed quickly. Our mind draws an indelible connection between the poison and our reaction. That is designed to keep us from a repeat experience. Eating another bad oyster is a great way to win a Darwin Award, but not a reliable way to propagate the species.

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However, most of this two-way communication is subtle. When things are out of sort, when our equilibrium is disrupted, our brain and our gut have a low-key powwow. Sometimes that is successful: Anxiety is dampened, and our gut regains its balance.

But when negotiations break down, it can lead to a nasty feedback loop, exacerbating a bad mood and creating a leaky gut and inflammation. That, in turn, can lead to anxiety, depression, irritable bowel syndrome, inflammatory bowel disease, and more.

The short version

In sum, stress can cause the brain, through a series of pathways, to produce hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. These crank up the stress response, which tends to put the digestive system on the back burner. Over time, that may lead to a leaky gut, allowing toxins and bacteria to enter the bloodstream. That may lead to systemic inflammation that can make you sick and further inflames and stresses the brain, creating a vicious cycle.

Homeostasis is a wonder of nature, but it can’t keep tugging us back to normalcy forever. The stress response uses up resources rapidly; it isn’t meant for long-term situations. Our systems start to degrade when they are continually stressed.

Almost all chronic diseases, including heart disease, diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, and more, are associated with this degradation and systemic inflammation. It can be frustratingly difficult to break out of this deadly loop.

What to do:

• Find a good psychiatrist. Cognitive-behavioral therapy has shown good results with stress and anxiety. There are also many psychoactive drugs to try, but if you are averse to meds or are having a hard time with side effects, some doctors are beginning to try probiotics and prebiotics.
• Ease off the booze. I know, a glass of something alcoholic really shaves the edges off a stressful day. But if you overindulge, you’ll be sorry in the morning. Manufacturers like to tell you that a glass or two is therapeutic, and that may be true. But too much can make your gut leak, and you know where that leads.
• Concentrate on your breathing. This is a sneaky way to get in touch with your autonomic nervous system to calm it down. This is the idea of mindfulness, to concentrate on something that is happening right now to take your mind off the long-term problems that are complicating your life.
• Eat lots of different kinds of fiber to promote a wide variety of helpful bacteria that can help to heal and nourish your gut lining. That can make up for the lowered immune reaction induced by stress. Mediterranean diets are high in fiber and fish and have been shown to reduce anxiety.
• Getting used to uncertainty is tricky, but you can chip away at it. Quit reading the news. Reassure yourself with the fact that the world has always been on the verge of disaster, but has managed to tick on for many millennia.
• Exercise oxygenates your brain, helping you to cope better with stress. It also improves your gut composition.
• Get a pet. Animals seem able to toughen your immune system, perhaps by introducing you to new, beneficial bacteria. People who live on farms have fewer allergies and anxieties and can cope with stress better than city dwellers. Combine this tip with the previous one and go walk your dog.

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Stress is unlikely to go away, but you have more control than you think. These tips should boost your resilience and keep you from succumbing to life’s unfortunate nastiness. Give them a try!

References

Moloney, Rachel D., Lieve Desbonnet, Gerard Clarke, Timothy G. Dinan, and John F. Cryan. “The Microbiome: Stress, Health and Disease.” Mammalian Genome: Official Journal of the International Mammalian Genome Society 25, no. 1–2 (February 2014): 49–74.

Allen, Jacob M., Lucy J. Mailing, Grace M. Niemiro, Rachel Moore, Marc D. Cook, Bryan A. White, Hannah D. Holscher, and Jeffrey A. Woods. “Exercise Alters Gut Microbiota Composition and Function in Lean and Obese Humans.” Medicine and Science in Sports and Exercise 50, no. 4 (2018): 747–57.

Campbell, Sara C., Paul J. Wisniewski, Michael Noji, Lora R. McGuinness, Max M. Häggblom, Stanley A. Lightfoot, Laurie B. Joseph, and Lee J. Kerkhof. “The Effect of Diet and Exercise on Intestinal Integrity and Microbial Diversity in Mice.” PLoS ONE 11, no. 3 (March 8, 2016).

Böbel, Till S., Sascha B. Hackl, Dominik Langgartner, Marc N. Jarczok, Nicolas Rohleder, Graham A. Rook, Christopher A. Lowry, Harald Gündel, Christiane Waller, and Stefan O. Reber. “Less Immune Activation Following Social Stress in Rural vs. Urban Participants Raised with Regular or No Animal Contact, Respectively.” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 115, no. 20 (May 15, 2018): 5259–64.