Author: FTHMG

Recovery from narcissistic abuse rarely moves in a straight line. There are weeks when everything clicks and weeks when a single sentence in a text message sends you back to the beginning. Books cannot replace therapy, safe relationships, or time, but they can give you language for what happened and a structure for what comes next. That matters when you have spent months or years being told your memory is wrong.

The titles below are the ones that show up most often on therapist-curated reading lists, survivor recommendations, and popular recovery shelves. Rather than ranking them, this guide organizes them by what they actually help with, so you can pick one that fits the stage you are in right now instead of buying nine books and finishing none.

What Recovery Books Can and Cannot Do

A good book can name patterns you recognized but could not describe. It can explain gaslighting, codependency, and complex PTSD in plain language, which is often the first step toward trusting your own perception again. It can also normalize the strange grief that comes with leaving someone who hurt you.

What a book cannot do is witness you. Reading about abuse is not the same as being believed by another person. Many survivors find that books work best as a companion to therapy, a support group, or the free workbooks and articles available through the Fitness Hacks for Life mental health library, where the focus stays on practical tools rather than theory alone.

How to Choose a Title Without Overwhelming Yourself

One book at a time is usually enough. Reading four recovery books in a row can feel productive while quietly keeping you inside the story of the abuse rather than moving toward the life after it. A few guidelines help narrow the field.

• Match the book to your relationship. A book about narcissistic mothers addresses a different wound than one about a narcissistic partner.
• Check whether you want explanation, validation, or action steps. Some titles are heavy on psychology, others are workbook style with exercises.
• Consider format honestly. If fatigue makes long chapters impossible, an audiobook or a workbook with short sections may be more realistic.
• Give yourself permission to stop. If a book leaves you more activated than steady for days, that is information, not failure.

Titles That Appear Again and Again on Recovery Lists

The books below come from therapist recommendations, survivor threads, and reader-curated shelves dedicated to narcissistic abuse recovery. Each one approaches the subject from a slightly different angle.

Title	Author	Primary focus
It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People	Ramani Durvasula	Recognizing narcissistic behavior and healing afterward
Healing from Hidden Abuse	Shannon Thomas	Abuse that is difficult for outsiders to see
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers	Karyl McBride	Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers
Will I Ever Be Free of You?	Karyl McBride	Life with a narcissistic partner
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents	Lindsay Gibson	Family patterns that follow you into adulthood
Should I Stay or Should I Go	Ramani S. Durvasula, Ph.D.	The stay-or-leave decision
Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse, Gaslighting, Codependency and Complex PTSD (4 Books in 1)	Linda Hill	Workbook and guide covering gaslighting, codependency, and complex PTSD
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery: The Complete Guide to Recover From Emotional Abuse, Identify Narcissists, and Overcome Abusive Relationships	Linda Hill	Identifying narcissists and recovering from abusive relationships
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse	Grace Being and Claudia Cauterucci	Personal experience paired with psychological insight

Whole Again also appears frequently on popular narcissistic abuse recovery shelves, and readers who prefer audiobooks often mention it alongside the titles above. Availability shifts between print, ebook, and audio, so it helps to check your library or preferred retailer for the format you can actually use.

Matching the Book to Where You Are Right Now

Where you are in the process should shape what you read, and the same book can be unhelpful at one stage and exactly right at another.

If you are still being gaslit or second-guessing yourself

Start with something that explains the mechanics rather than the recovery. Understanding how abusive thinking works, why abusers deny or reframe events, and why you keep doubting your own memory can be stabilizing before any healing work begins. Recommended reading lists often highlight titles that cover the early warning signs of abuse, the nature of abusive thinking, and common myths about abusers, because those explanations reduce the isolation that gaslighting creates.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic parent

Parent wounds carry different weight than partner wounds, partly because the relationship began before you had any ability to leave it. Titles focused on daughters of narcissistic mothers and on emotionally immature parents speak directly to that history. They tend to address loyalty, guilt, and the strange grief of wanting a parent who was never available, which many general abuse books touch on only briefly.

If you are deciding whether to stay or leave

Books built around the stay-or-leave question are worth reading slowly, with a notebook. They do not make the decision for you, and any book that promises a clean answer is overselling. What they offer is a framework for weighing safety, finances, children, and your own limits so the choice rests on something sturdier than a good week or a bad night.

If you are out and dealing with complex PTSD symptoms

Once safety is more stable, workbook style resources become more useful. The four-in-one guide by Linda Hill covers narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, codependency, and complex PTSD together, which reflects how often those experiences overlap. Exercises in these books tend to focus on grounding, emotional regulation, and rebuilding trust in your own judgment.

Themes Worth Looking For Beyond the Title

Many recommended book lists are organized around themes rather than titles. If you are scanning a shelf or a library catalog, these are the recurring subjects that tend to signal a genuinely useful recovery book.

• The early warning signs of abuse, useful for people worried about repeating a pattern
• The nature of abusive thinking, which explains behavior without excusing it
• Myths about abusers, including the belief that they are always obviously cruel
• Different abusive personality types, which helps when one label does not fit
• Codependency and boundary setting, often the practical work of recovery
• Complex PTSD and trauma responses, including anxiety and hypervigilance

Reading Formats, Workbooks, and Free Tools

Cost and energy are real barriers, and neither makes you less committed to healing. Libraries often carry these titles in print, ebook, and audio. If a full-length book feels like too much, shorter workbooks can be a better entry point, since they ask for a page rather than a chapter. Fitness Hacks for Life offers free mental health workbooks and articles that pair well with longer reading, and TheraConnect exists to match people with affordable therapy rather than putting them on a waiting list.

Reading Alongside Therapy and Support

Books rarely hold up as the only support in recovery. Trauma responses can surface while reading, especially in chapters that describe dynamics close to your own experience. Having a therapist, a trusted friend, or a support group to bring that material to makes the reading safer and more useful. If cost or insurance is the obstacle, the Mental Care Fund was created to help cover therapy expenses for people who cannot otherwise afford them, and the site’s crisis resource directory, which includes 988, is there for moments when reading is not enough.

Frequently Asked Questions

Do I need to read every book on a recovery list?

No. Long lists are menus, not checklists. Most people get more from one book they finish and apply than from five they start and abandon. Pick the title that matches your current situation, read it at your own pace, and only add another when the first stops offering something new. Depth beats volume in recovery reading.

Are audiobooks as useful as print for this kind of reading?

They can be, especially during periods when concentration is low. Audio works well for commutes, chores, and moments when sitting still feels impossible. Some people prefer print or ebooks for workbook style titles because writing answers by hand helps the material stick. Format matters less than whether you actually absorb what you are reading.

What should I do if a book leaves me feeling worse?

Pause it and note what triggered the reaction. Some chapters activate memories that need a therapist’s support to process safely. That does not mean the book is wrong or that you are failing at recovery. Set it aside, return to grounding tools, and bring the reaction to someone you trust before deciding whether to continue.

How do I know if I should add therapy to my reading?

If reading leaves you persistently anxious, numb, or flooded with memories, or if you are still in contact with the person who hurt you, professional support helps. Therapy offers something a book cannot, which is a real person responding to your specific situation. Fitness Hacks for Life connects readers to affordable care through TheraConnect and the Mental Care Fund.

You thought you were dating someone who was genuinely interested in you. Then the texts became inconsistent. Plans became vague. They were affectionate one day and distant the next.

Now you’re wondering: “What the F is a fkboi—and am I dating one?”**

You’re not alone.

The term fkboi** is slang, not a psychological diagnosis. It’s commonly used to describe someone who seeks romantic or sexual attention while avoiding honesty, commitment, emotional responsibility, or consistency.

But here’s an important distinction: someone who wants casual dating or sex isn’t automatically a fkboi.** Casual relationships can be completely healthy when everyone is honest about what they want.

The problem is when someone’s words and behavior don’t match—especially when they keep you emotionally invested without offering the relationship they appear to be promising.

What Does F**kboi Mean?

A f**kboi is generally someone who pursues romantic or sexual attention while avoiding the responsibility that comes with a genuine relationship.

They might:

• Give you intense attention at first
• Make big promises
• Send flirty messages
• Disappear for days
• Come back when they want attention or sex
• Avoid defining the relationship
• Keep other romantic options open
• Give you mixed signals
• Make you feel like you’re asking for too much

One behavior alone doesn’t prove anything. Look for the pattern.

10 Signs You’re Dating a F**kboi

1. His Words Don’t Match His Actions

He says he misses you, talks about future plans, and tells you how special you are—but rarely follows through.

When someone’s behavior repeatedly contradicts their promises, pay attention to what they’re doing, not just what they’re saying.

2. He Gives You Just Enough Attention to Keep You Interested

One day you’re getting nonstop texts. Then he disappears.

Just when you’re ready to move on, he sends:

“Hey stranger. Miss you.”

This type of inconsistent attention can leave you constantly wondering where you stand.

3. He Mostly Contacts You Late at Night

If most of his messages arrive when he’s bored, lonely, or looking for sex, consider whether you’re getting a relationship—or simply being contacted when it’s convenient for him.

There’s nothing wrong with casual sex. But if you want commitment, make sure you’re not accepting something completely different because you’re hoping he’ll eventually change.

4. He Acts Like Your Boyfriend Without Being Your Boyfriend

He holds your hand, spends the night, meets your friends, talks about the future, and acts jealous when other people show interest.

But when you ask, “What are we?”, suddenly he doesn’t like labels.

That’s your answer.

5. He Keeps You Confused

Healthy relationships aren’t perfect, but you shouldn’t constantly feel like you’re trying to solve a mystery.

If you’re repeatedly wondering:

Does he like me?

Is he seeing someone else?

Why did he disappear?

What are we?

…it may be time to stop analyzing individual texts and start looking at the overall pattern.

6. He Disappears and Comes Back Like Nothing Happened

You haven’t heard from him for several days.

Then suddenly:

“Hey 😊 What are you doing tonight?”

If disappearing and reappearing is a repeated cycle, don’t ignore it simply because you’re happy to hear from him again.

7. He Avoids Relationship Conversations

You ask what he’s looking for, whether you’re exclusive, or whether he wants a relationship.

Instead of answering, he says you’re overthinking.

Wanting clarity isn’t needy.

It’s reasonable.

8. He Makes Your Needs the Problem

You ask for more consistent communication.

He calls you needy.

You establish a sexual boundary.

He says you’re making things complicated.

You ask for an actual date.

He asks why coming over isn’t enough.

Someone doesn’t have to want the same relationship you want—but they should be able to respect your right to have needs and boundaries.

9. He Wants Relationship Benefits Without Relationship Responsibility

He wants your attention, affection, companionship, sex, emotional support, and availability—but doesn’t want accountability, commitment, or consistency.

That’s an important imbalance to recognize.

10. You Don’t Feel Like Yourself Anymore

This may be the biggest warning sign.

You’re constantly checking your phone, analyzing messages, watching social media, comparing yourself to other people, and wondering what you did wrong.

Dating shouldn’t require you to abandon your peace.

So, Is He a F**kboi?

Instead of obsessing over the label, ask yourself:

Does his behavior match his words?

Does he consistently show up?

Does he respect my boundaries?

Does he communicate honestly?

Am I getting the kind of relationship I actually want?

If the answers are mostly no, you may already have the information you need.

You don’t have to prove someone is a f**kboi before deciding they’re not right for you.

What If He Says He’s “Not Ready”?

Believe him.

If someone says they aren’t ready for a relationship, don’t automatically translate that into:

“He’s not ready yet, but he’ll change if I love him enough.”

Maybe he will change someday.

Maybe he won’t.

But you shouldn’t have to build your emotional life around someone’s potential.

If you want commitment and he doesn’t, that’s a compatibility issue, not a challenge you need to win.

Boundary Scripts You Can Actually Use

You don’t need a dramatic confrontation. Try being direct.

If he only contacts you late at night:

“I’m not looking for a late-night hookup. If you’d like to take me on an actual date, I’m open to that.”

If he keeps disappearing:

“I like you, but inconsistent communication doesn’t work for me. I’m looking for something more consistent.”

If he won’t define the relationship:

“I need to know whether we’re looking for the same kind of relationship. If we’re not, that’s okay, but I need to make decisions based on what you actually want.”

If you’re ready to leave:

“I care about you, but this relationship isn’t giving me what I need. I’m choosing to step away rather than continue hoping things will change.”

The Bigger Question

Maybe the most important question isn’t:

“Is he a fkboi?”**

It’s:

“Do I like who I am when I’m with him?”

You can have chemistry with someone and still be incompatible.

You can miss someone and still walk away.

You can love someone and still decide that their behavior isn’t healthy for you.

And you don’t need to prove they’re a terrible person.

“This doesn’t work for me” is enough.

You deserve honesty, consistency, respect, and a relationship where you don’t have to constantly wonder whether you’re wanted.

Mental-Care Disclaimer

This article is for educational and informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental-health care, therapy, diagnosis, or treatment. “F**kboi” is an informal dating term, not a clinical diagnosis. Dating behaviors alone cannot determine someone’s personality, intentions, or mental-health status.

If a relationship is causing significant distress, anxiety, fear, or confusion, consider talking with a qualified mental-health professional or trusted support person. If you feel unsafe or are experiencing threats, coercion, stalking, or abuse, seek appropriate professional or emergency support.

The covert narcissist’s hooks won’t catch everyone, but they’re likely to entrap co-dependent and empathic personality types almost 100% of the time.  The covert narcissist differs in some ways to their louder counterpart – the overt narcissist, who is easier to spot with their strong sense of entitlement, arrogant nature, disregard for others and lack of empathy.  These folks are loud and proud and have earned their place and title in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).  The covert narcissist is not recognised in the DSM and often presents as the happy-go-lucky sweetie, an altruistic eunuch or the friendly quiet guy who smiles at you every day.  They may appear harmless and unassuming, but they are anything but.  They do all their damage behind closed doors and use emotional manipulation to gain control.  An overt narcissist will stamp on any random stranger who gets in their way (i.e. road rage) but the covert narcissist saves all his or her bad behaviour for their loved one.

Covert Narcissist Say

The covert narcissist may say, ‘Oh you don’t want to listen to me go on but thank you so much for being there for me, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had not been there, ugh I shudder to think, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, you are an angel.”.  This may make the recipient feel overly responsible for the emotional wellbeing and safety of a person they don’t even know very well.  It also moves the relationship from that of a casual acquaintance into something much more significant.

The covert narcissist really comes to life in the bedroom.  Physical intimacy and seduction are their main speciality and they will move in on their target quickly and relentlessly in the early stages of the relationship.  The emotional connection feels very real and the intensity of it makes the connection feel deeper than it actually is.  They promise their new girl/boyfriend a lifetime of support, but when they are called upon to give any, they back away and complain that their partner is too demanding.

Later Stages of the New Relationship

In the later stages of the new relationship, there may be random passive aggressive insults or accusations thrown around that are not based in reality but still prompt the target to defend themselves. The attention and blame then move away from the narcissist and onto the target. This type of gaslighting throws victims of narcissistic abuse off guard and cause them to doubt themselves and start to feel they are somehow indebted to the narcissist.

When the relationship ends or when the target wakes up to see the narcissist for who they really are, they’ll experience a range of emotions and are likely to feel very confused.  Their mind will be pre-occupied with working out where they went wrong, what they can do to ‘fix’ it, or what can they do to get over this person.  In time they will start to experience glimmers of awareness and helpful insights, but for now this person is going to feel emotionally and psychologically drained.  Their self-worth has taken another dive, they’re walking around in a daze and they’re feeling intense loneliness.  To gain an understanding of what happened right under their very nose, they need to work out how they came emotionally enmeshed with a master manipulator in the first place.

Was the Narcissist Genuinely INTERESTED in who I was during our time together?

A narcissist is generally disinterested in anyone other than themselves.  They have no regard whatsoever for what goes on inside another person.  This makes it unlikely that they’ll attempt to find out more about their new boy/girlfriend or existing partner unless this information serves a purpose.  This means they don’t care about anyone else’s opinions, values, thoughts, emotions or what their favourite movie is.  You can tell them about something that has affected you deeply, but it goes right over their head and doesn’t seem to be even acknowledged.  This is because not only is any of what you say of any interest to the narcissist, but they are threatened by someone else’s stuff as it takes the attention off them.  The narcissist continues to minimise or ignore the everyday activities, worries or joys of their ‘loved’ one because they simply don’t care, but also, they are mindful to never reward another person’s ‘stuff’ with their attention.

Narcissist Intend

A narcissist is only interested in learning what they need to know to support the illusion they are genuinely invested in the wellbeing of another person.  If their partner believes this, (or desperately wants to believe it) then the narcissist can get what they want from them.  They have to pretend to be interested in the life of their romantic partner and will be, for the most part, quite convincing if their co-dependent partner is ‘asleep’.  Co-dependents are great people watchers but once they start to wake up, their BS detection skills, along with their powers of observation improve dramatically.  They are able to see patterns within their relationships and begin to realise that the types of people they have been attracting have all been self-serving, one-sided and in-genuine (including friendships).

The narcissist’s ‘lack of interest’ is really a nicer way of describing their underlying contempt – which sums up all they really feel for their romantic partner (as well as most other folks).  Their lack of interest can be detected in a number of ways, the most notable is how they brush over anything their partner has to say.  They may respond to their conversation with total silence, by changing the subject, accusing their partner of being negative, or flattering them in an overt way that has nothing to do with the actual topic of conversation.  These tactics work well to stop them from sharing their every-day concerns, worries, feelings, emotions or personal goals, or whatever is uniquely to do with THEM, and not so much with the narcissist.

Two Circumstances

There are only one or two circumstances whereby the narcissist will verbally express an interest in their partner’s personal stuff.  Fear of losing their partner may prompt them to act and this is when a suspiciously timed, kind and considerate comment or question will be pulled out the bag.  Much to the co-dependent’s surprise, they find out that the narcissist HAD been listening to them during the initial conversation but was in fact saving any acknowledgment of it for emergencies (manipulation purposes) only.  They also show interest in their partner’s ‘stuff’ as they judge and criticise it.  The narcissist will never genuinely support any of their partner’s dreams, aspiration or decisions because all that is about another person and not the narcissist.  If you feel like you’re not being heard – ever – then it’s because the person you’re talking to only hears what they need to hear, which is anything that relates directly to them.

The covert narcissist will appear to be totally infatuated with their new girl/boyfriend, they seem to be in love with the very essence of you, yet all the unique aspects that make a person who they are, i.e., their personal history, what they enjoy doing, their thoughts, feelings and their specific goals, will be rejected by the narcissist when he or she turns their back on any conversation that is not focussed on them or their needs.  The co-dependent notices that this pattern of behaviour doesn’t quite align with how the narcissist has presented themselves, but will often dismiss it by thinking, “Maybe this is just his way of keeping me on track and focussed on what really matters”.  Which is very true.

Tactics to Covert Narcissists to Manipulate

The following tactics are used by covert narcissists to manipulate their targets into believing they’re loved and supported instead of being used for gain.

Flattery and Fantasy

The covert narcissist is an expert flatterer and they love to engage in fantasy talk during the early stages of a would-be romantic connection.  These tactics are also used by the overt narcissist, but not as consistently because the overt narcissist expects flattery to be directed at them, not the other way around.  Flattery is a highly manipulative tool and works well on those who’ve seldom heard a kind word from previous romantic partners or their parents.  To be told you are beautiful, sexy, wonderful, funny and smart, over and over again, is a powerful grooming technique when used on the right person.  But the narcissist’s flattery doesn’t align with their actions or their responses to actual conversations and everyday reality.  Their sweet talk and promises of a wonderful life are an oasis in the desert to the approval and acceptance starved co-dependent but like the oasis, none of it is real.  The covert narcissist also appears to be very in touch with their emotional side, and this can be very appealing to the co-dependent who has only ever known overt narcissists and/or emotionally abusive parent(s).

Flattering comments

Flattering comments are intended to hit the mark and will be carefully customised around what they think the other person needs to hear.  If the co-dependent steps in to help the covert narcissist in some way (as they are likely to do) they’ll be given the “You’re such a good person – truly one in a million, there’s not many people left in the world like you” line, which makes the co-dependent feel accepted, wanted and approved of, and are likely all the things they never felt as a child.  Random golden nuggets of acceptance are delivered into the conversation but are often inappropriately placed and non-specific, i.e. the same complement might be said to a random stranger.  Comments that refer to ‘being together’ in the future cement the deal for the co-dependent and although these suggestions are out-the-blue and inappropriate to the relationship timeline, they don’t seem to notice because they already believe they’ve met the man of their dreams.

Are they living in the Real World?   

The covert narcissist’s thinking is largely fantasy-based, and conversations often revolve around plans for the future or escaping from, or idolising their past.  They will draw their partner into their fantasy world where the present is seldom discussed.  They don’t wish to know what’s happening in the everyday life of their girl/boyfriend and if they are being subjected to any details about it, they’ll play a mini-silent treatment or quickly change the subject to their preferred type of conversation – one that fantasises achieving the near-impossible, such as winning the lottery.  They live their life idealising everything in life they want but don’t have and keep drawing their partners into the delusion.

Poor Me Syndrome

The ‘Poor Me’ tactic works well on the sleeping co-dependent because it activates their deeply embedded people-pleasing programme.  They were likely watching their parent(s) from a very early age instead of climbing trees and are experts at making someone ‘feel better’ because when someone else feels OK, their life gets better by default.

If they see an injured bird, they’re there – running through fire and traffic to help.  An emotionally injured narcissist lets out a distress signal that only the co-dependent hears.  Their wounds are often the result of the unwanted departure of their long-suffering wife or husband.  This causes a huge narcissistic injury and the co-dependent is now racing towards them with their superhero cape flapping behind them.  They are now on hand to mop the brow of this individual who is clearly suffering.  The narcissist is not used to being on the receiving end of suffering as they are the ones who routinely dish it out – this situation is new and totally unfair for them.

Narcissist Laps up all the Loving Concern

The narcissist laps up all the loving concern and advise and starts to demand more and more of it, and all the while, the truth of their situation is withheld or concealed.  Being secretive, withholding information under the guise of it being too painful to discuss, or they are not emotionally ready to disclose it yet, buys them time and more attention.  The co-dependent fills in the gaps to the story but is often way off the mark.  The amount of pain the narcissist expresses makes the co-dependent think that their former partner must have passed away and he can’t yet say the words, ‘my wife has died’.  Whatever is said, not said, lied about or fantasised about, their goal is to secure empathy, support and narcissistic supply.

When the co-dependent finally realises that not all is what it seems to be, they have already been seduced, hooked and weakened.  If they listen to their instincts and their friends, they’ll soon join the real world and see things as they are, and the ‘cruel’ (or presumed dead) ex-wife will be seen more like a victim.

What Happens when you Terminate a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist?

Here a narcissist’s true identity will be revealed, and their target has their suspicions confirmed – they are dealing with a master manipulator who couldn’t care less about them.  Guilt-tripping tactics are used with gay abandon and suddenly the narcissist’s victim is no longer the most amazing person in the world, they are the worst person in the world.    They’ll say, “You were all I had in the world, now I have no-one” – even though you first met only a few weeks ago.  They’ll tell you how devastated they are and will shout and scream, over and over “What did I do?”, dramatically on the street, or in front of neighbours or work colleagues.

Bullshitting

But they are not bullshitting this time, they truly are devastated – they don’t want to be alone, because they can’t be alone.  They engage in some self-bashing in an attempt to get their target to feel sorry for them but will quickly revert to blaming the other person for misleading and not being open or honest (which is really a projection of their own behaviour).  They will ignore the target’s personal boundaries and bombard them with more ‘poor me’ talk, accusations, blaming or whatever works to get their target back in place. They will make this already exhausted person feel responsible for ruining their life and abandoning them.

The guilt-trips are effective in preventing the target from remembering what is real and what is not and distracts them as they try to heal and recover.  Meanwhile, the narcissist won’t be suffering for long, he will already be out fishing for his next victim and he’s very good at what he does.

Repelling or Avoiding the Covert Narcissist

The saying, ‘prevention is better than cure’ comes to mind here.  It is far easier to deflect a highly manipulative person in the early stages of a relationship or friendship than later on down the track.  The post-separation stage will feel like psychological warfare and the victim will become acutely aware of just how low the narcissist will go in their attempts to turn them – the victim, into the bad guy.

The following guidelines are taken from Dr Todd Grande’s (2019) YouTube video – Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits and details the steps we can take to gently untangle ourselves from someone who is getting way too close for comfort.  Most rejections will repel a vulnerable narcissist.

1. Don’t do things for them that they can do themselves.
2. Don’t accept any in-genuine help from them.
3. Encouraging them to make decisions on their own will likely repel them – they want you on board to help.
4. Keep away from, or don’t express interest in a physical relationship – they will typically want to advance this quickly and they are very persuasive.
5. Maintain your boundaries, i.e. let them know what is OK for you, and what is not.
6. Don’t let them do you any favours – this will be used against you and give the narcissist an opportunity to say you owe them.
7. Put them in their place – let them know exactly where they fit into your life. If they try to gaslight you into believing the friendship is more than it is, or that they have known you for a lot longer than they really have – state the reality for them.
8. Be happy for them when they do anything that doesn’t involve you. Encouraging them to do things separately from you will repel them because they want you to need them as they need you.
9. When they try to advance the relationship, i.e. changing the mode of contact to a more intimate one, or suggesting you have lunch in a café together instead at work with other colleagues, say, “I like the way things are now”.

Recovering and Healing

Recovering and healing begins by looking inside ourselves for answers.  What was it about us that attracted such a person in the first place?  Why did we ignore the signs and our own intuition?  Why do we need to pretend all is OK when it isn’t?  Have we been seeing reality for what it is, or only what we want it to be?  Have our previous partners been looking for love or looking for help?

What do we need to address within ourselves, to make the shift towards attracting emotionally healthy, authentic people into our lives?

If this post resonates with you or someone you know, please comment and share!  My goal is to connect with others to bring awareness and choice to those affected by childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse.

Zoe is a Kinesiologist and Natural Health and Wellbeing Practitioner, specialising in the healing from co-dependent relationships.  See www.innerhealthandhealing.net to learn more about how kinesiology can help us recover and heal energetically from toxic relationships and previously held co-dependent patterns, so we can live more meaningful lives.  Follow the BLOG – “A Recovery of Self” for notifications of upcoming posts on recovery and healing from childhood emotional neglect, codependency and narcissistic abuse.

Photo by Heleno-Kaizer on Unsplash

References:

American Psychiatric Association (2013):  Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 2013 (5^th edition).  U.S:  American Psychiatric Association.

Grande, T (2019) Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits, YouTube video, viewed September 2019.

Our Posts are Not a Stand in For Professional Mental Care. Find Your Preferred Provider at TheraConnect.net

In our fast-paced world, our nervous systems are often on high alert, constantly scanning for threats or “triggers.” But what if we shifted our focus to the small, positive moments that bring us a sense of peace? These moments, known as glimmers, are the opposite of triggers. They are micro-moments of joy, safety, and wonder that act as a gentle reset for your mind and body. While a trigger can send you into a state of stress, a glimmer can pull you back toward a feeling of calm.

How Glimmers Support Mental Health

Experiencing a glimmer sends positive cues to your nervous system. This might be the warmth of the sun on your skin, the sound of laughter from a loved one, or the taste of your favorite food. These small moments of awe cause a subtle but powerful mood shift, helping to release tension and cultivate feelings of contentment. By intentionally noticing these moments, you train your brain to seek out and appreciate positivity, a practice that can help you feel more resilient and better equipped to handle life’s stressors.

Cultivating a Glimmer Mindset

Embracing glimmers is about shifting your perspective from what is wrong to what is right. It’s a conscious act of focusing on the good, no matter how small it may seem. This practice can help you build a more hopeful and optimistic outlook on life, even during challenging times. As you begin to recognize and appreciate these fleeting moments of happiness, you’ll find they are everywhere—a simple smile from a stranger, a beautiful song on the radio, or a few quiet minutes of peace with a cup of coffee.

By actively seeking out glimmers, you are investing in your mental and emotional well-being. This simple practice has the power to create a ripple effect of positivity, helping you find moments of peace and contentment in every day.

THE BASICS

Key points

• Enhancing appearance isn’t only for attracting partners, but also for retaining them.
• Beauty enhancements can be harmless, buying a new outfit, or dangerous, taking pills with side effects.
• Women who were more jealous were more willing to use costly and risky beauty enhancement strategies.

What would you do for love? Everyone wants to be better looking, more beautiful, and more appealing to potential romantic partners. To accomplish that, we put a lot of effort into enhancing our appearance through the clothes we wear, cosmetics, and trips to the gym.

Improving our looks extends beyond mere vanity and has other benefits for our relationships. Specifically, being better looking gives us an evolutionary advantage in ongoing relationships because it helps us retain our current partner. When we’re more appealing, our partner will find alternatives less appealing.

What would you do to protect your relationship? How far would you be willing to go to make yourself more beautiful?

That’s what researchers wondered. They suspected that individuals with more jealous tendencies would be particularly protective of their relationship and more willing to consider using risky and or costly methods to enhance their appearance.

The Low-Risk and High-Risk Behaviors

To test this, the researchers surveyed 189 undergraduate females aged 17 to 37 years old, all currently in committed relationships.

To assess the jealousy level of participants, questions asked how often they suspected their partner was secretly seeing someone else, if they would be upset if their partner flirted with someone else, and how much they questioned their partner about previous relationships.

The researchers also wanted to determine participants’ interest in enhancing their appearance, including activities with varying degrees of risk. For example, they asked participants about low-risk activities such as how much money they spent on appearance-enhancing goods and services such as skin treatments or products, make-up, clothing, jewelry, and hair styling. They also asked how often women used facial cosmetics.

To assess riskier behaviors, researchers inquired about their openness to cosmetic surgery: “It makes sense to have minor cosmetic surgery rather than spending years feeling bad about the way you look.” “If a simple cosmetic procedure would make me more attractive to others then I would think about trying it.” And, “If I could have a surgical procedure done for free, I would consider trying cosmetic surgery.”

Finally, they asked about potentially high-risk behaviors (for example, a free tanning membership) and obviously risky behaviors (for example, taking a diet pill that had a known link to future heart problems).

What They Found About Jealousy

Overall, more jealous participants sought to elevate their attractiveness through a variety of behaviors. Specifically, women who indicated higher jealousy also reported spending more money on their appearance, greater openness to plastic surgery, greater willingness to use a tanning membership, and greater likelihood to use a dangerous diet pill.

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There was no link between jealousy and the intended use of facial cosmetics. The lack of association with cosmetic use is likely because using make-up is a fairly common and low-risk behavior that is highly socially acceptable (even encouraged).

Boosting one’s beauty can help hold onto a current partner amidst perceived threats from rival partners who may threaten the relationship. That sounds noble, romantic even. However, willingness to engage in clearly dangerous behavior is a concern. Why would you willingly take a diet pill that you knew was linked to significant health problems later on? Apparently, part of the answer to that question is jealousy.

But why? Jealousy results from a concern that you will lose someone you care for. In this study, participants may have decided that the present potential reward (keeping their partner) outweighed the future cost of having heart problems. That could be due to the participant’s age. However, ignoring the long-term implications of short-term benefits is a human issue across all ages.

Importantly, these findings don’t say that enhancing your appearance is bad. While romantic jealousy may drive women towards appearance enhancement, wanting to optimize physical attractiveness is common. Yet, there’s a fine line between healthy self-improvement and potentially harmful procedures or drug use. Maintaining a balanced and mindful approach to self-improvement or beauty-enhancing practices is important.

We often wistfully and romantically ask, “What would you do for love?”

Perhaps, a better question is, what shouldn’t you do for love?

Facebook image: Maksym Fesenko/Shutterstock

References

Arnocky, S., MacKinnon, M., Clarke, S., McPherson, G., & Kapitanchuk, E. (2023). Women’s romantic jealousy predicts risky appearance enhancement effort. Evolutionary Psychology, 21(3), 1-11. https://doi.org/10.1177/14747049231185782

Do you often second guess yourself? Are you having trouble making simple decisions?  Do you ask yourself ‘am I just too sensitive’ a dozen times a day?  Do you sometimes feel confused and crazy at work? Do you know there is something is wrong, but you just can’t put your finger on it?  You start lying to your partner to avoid the reality twists?  Do you withhold details of your relationship from friends?  Do you feel that you are not the same self you were when you met your partner?

If you answered YES to one or more of these questions – you may be in a gaslighting relationship. Let’s take a closer look on how to identify the gaslight effect.

In my book The Gaslight Effect: how to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life, I describe the debilitating impact that dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ can have on you as you move through the stages of gaslighting.  If you are suffering the gaslight effect, you are no longer sure of your reality, you are questioning your sense of self and you have given over your power  in order to preserve the relationship. That’s the bad news. And, tragically, you are in deep psychological pain – sometimes you even feel like your soul hurts. But – there is good news here too: being in an ongoing gaslighting relationship requires your  participation – even unwittingly – and that means that when you can name it  you can begin to gather  your inner strength and outside resources to step out of the dynamic.

I wrote the book because I listened to my patients and my friends, for years, talk about being consumed by a dynamic I called the “gaslight tango”.  I witnessed the most successful of women, come unglued in their most intimate relationships, while at the same time, leading non profits, running companies with confidence and great success.

The people I saw dancing the ‘gaslight tango’ most often in my practice were in romantic  relationships. While both men and women can be gaslighters, the pairing I see most often is the man as gaslighter and the woman, the gaslightee – following a more traditional model of man, the dominant and woman, the submissive.  However, I have worked with many men who are gaslightees, many women who are involved with gaslighting women and both sexes being gaslighted by men or women in the workplace.  No matter the players, gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse.

The “powerful” gaslighter communicates with certainty and consistency that he is right and there is something wrong with you or the way you think.  The systematic knocking you down over time, will eat away at your confidence  and cause you to experience a growing shakiness of self. Gradually, you begin to question what you thought you knew to be true. You are second guessing your reality.

Identifying The Stages Of The Gaslight Effect

In the next blogs, I will tell you more about what gasligting looks like in Stage 1:  Disbelief, Stage 2: Defense, Stage 3: Depression.  I will describe the different types of gaslighters the “glamour gaslighter” “good guy gaslighter” “the intimidator gaslighter”.  I will explore – and, present some cases  – about vulnerabilities on both sides and dynamics that keep gaslighter and gaslightee dancing together.

And – importantly, I will give you tips and strategies about how to stop gaslighting, and how to decide to stay or leave a relationship – and, either way, how to reclaim your reality and your joy.

In the meantime – if you are dancing the Gaslight Tango: here are a few quick tips about how to step out of the dance, now that you recognize that’s what is happening :

1. Opt out of power struggles – write down language you can use and practice it (like this: we are saying the same thing, again and again, I just don’t want to continue)
2. Avoid the right-wrong debates – pay attention to how you feel instead
3. Practice sentence stems like “we can agree to disagree” when your perspectives clash
4. Use silence instead of commenting when someone is provoking you – or, excuse yourself and walk away
5. Write down your dialogue, as verbatim as you recall, and take a look at it at another time – notice when the conversation pivots to gaslighting
6. Talk to a trusted friend for a reality check when you feel uncertain
7. Trust your gut, if something feels wrong, it is wrong for you!

Identify The Gaslight Effect With Robin Stern’s Book

If you think things like this can’t happen to you, think again. Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life will show you how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from —and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship. Learn more about my book on The Gaslight Effect.

We’ve all read the generic “put your phone away” sleep tips. But the truth is, what’s keeping you up isn’t the same as what’s keeping someone else up — so we built a quick quiz to help you figure out your actual sleep blocker, whether it’s screens, racing thoughts, late caffeine, an erratic bedtime, or your room setup.

Four questions, one honest answer, one tip you can try tonight.

Once you know your type, our Anxiety Workbook and Setting Boundaries Workbook go deeper into the mind-side habits — overthinking, boundaries with your own time — that quietly sabotage sleep.

Take the quiz, then check out the full shop here:https://ko-fi.com/fitnesshacksforlife/shop

Many icks, on reflection, are just harmless “nicks.”

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THE BASICS

• Why Relationships Matter
• Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?
• Find counselling to strengthen relationships

Source: Photo by Polina Zimmerman / Pexels

The ick is giving me the ick.

In a world of trending dating terminology, “the ick” has proven surprisingly enduring. Headlines like “Three Ways to Combat the Ick” or “Got the Ick?” continue to flood social media. On TikTok, there are a whopping 191.5 million videos tagged with the term. Reddit communities thrive on users swapping stories of ick-inducing moments, from wearing capris on a first date to running to grab sweets from a piñata. (How else is one supposed to do it?) Even Netflix’s latest rom-com series Nobody Wants This features Joanne (Kristen Bell) doing what she thought was impossible: getting over her new partner’s ick (although, let’s face it, when it’s Adam Brody, it shouldn’t be that hard).

And it’s not just online. The ick has fully woven itself into common discourse. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve overheard discussions of the ick. And, for the record, I’m not immune to it either; I may lambaste it professionally, but I caught myself saying it when a date repeatedly texted me “Oi” instead of Hello.

This year, the ick was one of 3200 new buzzwords to enter the Cambridge Dictionary. Originally coined by a Love Island contestant who used it to describe the breakdown of her relationship, the ick denotes a characteristic or behavior that elicits disgust or revulsion. Disgust, as it turns out, is a real, well-evidenced phenomenon: Psychological research shows us that it has a clear evolutionary purpose. It’s a survival mechanism that helped our ancestors avoid danger, from poisonous food to pathogens.

But somewhere along the way, our use of the ick became problematic.

To begin with, the ick has zero scientific basis. (While we’re at it, the same largely goes for our beloved ‘love languages’ and ‘dating flags.’) There’s plenty of rigorous, empirical research on the role of disgust—such as studies showing that women are more prone to experiencing it than men—but there’s no evidence that avoiding or succumbing to the ick has any bearing on short- or long-term relationship success or satisfaction. And yet it’s morphed into a catch-all term we use for anything that mildly irritates or irks us, whether it’s singing too loudly or walking too slowly in public.

The trouble is that one person’s quirk could easily be another person’s ick. When we start scrutinising a person—or a date—for potential icks, there’s no stopping us. We become hyper-judgmental, vigilant daters on a constant search for reasons to be ambivalent towards someone, or worse, to jump ship.

We’re not even reliable judges of the ick. As a psychologist, I am constantly preaching the dangers of cognitive biases. We may think we know ourselves, but our blind spots are ever-present. Take confirmation bias, when we may unfairly interpret a partner’s actions to reinforce our assumptions, or the halo effect, when we let one positive impression (e.g. attractiveness) influence our overall view of a person. Relying on our perceptions of the ick is risky business.

But of all the problems with the ick, my biggest concern is that we’ve started using the term as a quick and dirty barometer for incompatibility. If a person gives us the ick by clapping when the plane lands, or wearing sunglasses indoors, it’s often game over. But these are not actual, meaningful measures of compatibility. These are what I call “nicks”— small annoyances or superficial quirks that, like proverbial paper cuts, heal quickly with time.

A true ick, on the other hand, should be something that genuinely disgusts us. A trait like extreme negativity or constant criticism, that’s an ick. So is being self-absorbed and quick to mock someone for their words or actions. Or refusing to take accountability and being defensive. Or stonewalling—withdrawing to avoid conflict. Research by relationship psychologist John Gottman has consistently found that these are the behaviours that can lead to the breakdown of a relationship—and so these are the icks we should be looking out for.

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When we confuse nicks with icks, we lose sight of what’s actually important and our attention gets diverted to the wrong place. While quirks and annoyances can be overcome, the real work of building a relationship lies in addressing the traits and behaviors that truly affect its foundation.

So the next time you find yourself on a date cringing at someone’s insistence on saying gracias with a faux Spanish accent, pause for a moment. Is it a harmless nick, or is it a genuine ick that signals deeper incompatibilities? The distinction matters. Don’t let a distraction cause you to miss the bigger picture.

Sanna Balsari-Palsule, Ph.D., is a behavioral scientist at the University of Cambridge.

 Dr. Sanna Balsari-Palsule, X, Instagram

You’ve tried the morning pages. The cold showers. The gratitude lists, the breathing exercises, the “just go for a walk, it’ll help” advice from every wellness account you follow — including, honestly, some of ours.

And some days, it does help. That’s not nothing.

But maybe you’re here because some days, it doesn’t. You do everything “right” and you still feel like you’re carrying something too heavy to journal your way out of. If that’s you right now, we need to say something we don’t say often enough on a fitness and self-help site:

Self-help is a tool. It was never meant to be the whole toolbox.

Why this hits different when you’re “the person who has it together”

Here’s the thing nobody tells you about being someone who’s into self-improvement: you get really, really good at managing yourself from the outside. You know the techniques. You can talk yourself down. You can perform “fine” so convincingly that even you start to believe it.

Which is exactly why it’s so disorienting when the techniques stop working. If you’re someone who prides yourself on handling things — on being resourceful, on not being “that person” who needs help — admitting that habit trackers and hot yoga aren’t touching what you’re actually feeling can feel like failure.

It isn’t. It’s information. It’s your mind telling you that what you’re dealing with needs a different kind of support — the kind that comes from an actual person trained to help you work through it, not another app, worksheet, or 5am routine.

What actually changes when you talk to someone

Self-help gives you tools. A therapist or coach helps you figure out why the tools aren’t landing — and that’s a different, deeper kind of relief.

It’s the difference between reading about boundaries and having someone help you rehearse the actual conversation you’re dreading. Between knowing you’re anxious and understanding where that anxiety is actually coming from. Between white-knuckling through another hard week and having one hour that’s entirely yours, with someone whose whole job is paying attention to you.

That’s not a luxury. That’s not “extra.” That’s care — the same category as the workouts and the meal prep and the sleep hygiene you already take seriously. Your mind deserves the same maintenance you give your body.

The part that usually stops people: finding someone

If you’ve ever tried to find a therapist, you know the drill — insurance directories that are half out of date, a dozen phone calls that go to voicemail, three-month waitlists, and profiles so clinical you can’t tell if this is a person you’d actually want to talk to.

That’s the exact gap TheraConnect was built to close. It’s a directory of licensed therapists and wellness coaches — real profiles, real specialties, no insurance required to get started, and no waitlist standing between you and the first conversation. You can actually see who someone is and what they focus on before you ever reach out.

If today is one of those days

You don’t need a crisis to justify getting support. You don’t need to hit some invisible threshold of “bad enough.” Feeling like you’re doing everything right and still not okay is reason enough.

Take five minutes. Look through a few provider profiles. Find someone who feels like a fit. You don’t have to have the whole thing figured out before you start — you just have to take the first small step, the same way you did the first time you laced up your shoes and didn’t feel like a runner yet either.

Find your therapist or coach on TheraConnect →

You’ve already proven you’re someone who shows up for yourself. This is just the next way to do it.

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FAQ

Does needing therapy mean my self-help routine failed?
No. Self-help and therapy aren’t competing systems — they do different jobs. Journaling, movement, and routines help you manage day-to-day stress; therapy helps you understand and work through what’s underneath it. Most people benefit from both.

How do I know it’s “enough” of a problem to see someone?
You don’t need to hit crisis level to justify support. If you’re doing “all the right things” and still feel stuck, overwhelmed, or not like yourself, that’s already a good enough reason.

What if I don’t have insurance?
You don’t need it. TheraConnect providers don’t require insurance to book — you can see pricing and specialties upfront on each profile.

What’s the difference between a therapist and a coach on TheraConnect?
Licensed therapists are trained and credentialed to treat mental health conditions. Coaches support goals, habits, and life transitions but don’t diagnose or treat. TheraConnect profiles make it clear which is which so you can choose what fits.

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Sources

• American Psychological Association — “Understanding psychotherapy and how it works”
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) — “Types of Mental Health Professionals”
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) — barriers to mental health care access