Anxiety and Self-Criticism: A Deadly Combination

One makes you worry about the future; the other wants you to do it right.

Source: Saniya/pixabay

Denice has a work project that’s due, but she’s falling behind schedule. She’s worried, especially since she is relatively new at her job. But adding fuel to the fire is her critical inner voice, scolding her not only to pick up the pace but also to make sure that she does a good job—a

Remnants from childhood

Anxiety and self-criticism often go hand in hand. If you had critical parents, not only does this criticism eventually become embedded in your self-talk, it makes you feel more anxious. You learned that one way to fend it off was by ensuring, through perfectionism, self-scolding, and hypervigilance, that you do nothing to upset them.

While this strategy worked for you as a child, it continues into adulthood, where it no longer works so well. Not only does Denice continue to worry about pleasing her parents, but now her supervisor, and perhaps even her best friend or partner, have been added to the mix, as well as her scolding herself for feeling overwhelmed in the first place for not managing her life better.

These childhood ways of coping can now lead to an emotionally downward spiral. They are like old software in a computer that no longer works—time for an upgrade. Here’s how to get started:

Realize You Actually Have Two Problems, Not Ten

Denice’s anxiety makes all that is going on in her life—the project, maybe a hiccup in her relationship with her partner, or worry about a friend she’s been neglecting—all feel like a priority, while her self-criticism demands that she handles them all with perfection. It’s time for her to step back and realize that the underlying problems aren’t the project, the partner, or the friend, but that her old demons of anxiety and self-criticism have been triggered and have mentally and emotionally taken over.

Upgrade Your Software: Tools for Anxiety.

Once you realize your brain has been hijacked, it’s time to push back. Sometimes this is about taking decisive action to solve a real-life problem: You’re anxious because you never heard back from your boss about your work schedule or from your partner about what time to pick up the kids. The antidote is action—text your boss about the schedule or your partner about picking up the kids—get it off your plate without falling into perfectionism. If, on the other hand, there isn’t a problem you can identify—you are just feeling jittery or irritable—focus instead on lowering the anxiety itself. Here is where the more tools you have in your anxiety toolbox, the better—deep breathing, mindfulness, distraction.

But prevention is also a key: One effective approach is to track your anxiety before it escalates to the point where you feel overwhelmed and struggle to regain control. Check in with yourself every hour or so. Ask yourself on a 10-point scale—one being calm and 10 being out of control—where you fall. When you reach a three or four, it’s time to take action to reduce your anxiety.

Upgrade Your Software: Self-criticism

You can think of self-criticism as a bully that you need to push back against or as hyperactive guard dogs that overreact to the slightest danger, requiring reassurance to calm down—choose the image that resonates with you. The key is, like anxiety, to recognize when self-criticism is rearing its head and taking over, and then take steps to silence it. Often, simply acknowledging its presence is enough to help you step back and regain control.

Breaking The Cycle

If anxiety and self-criticism have been part of your life for so long, you may not even realize their subtle impact, or you may try to accept it as “just the way you are.” But it doesn’t have to continue to be just the way you are. We all have childhood ways of coping that no longer work, that require a retooling and upgrade. The solution begins with acknowledging these challenges in your life and addressing the outdated ways of coping.

You’re no longer a child; anxiety and self-criticism are not “just you.” Ready to upgrade your software?

Need Therapy Sign up at Thera Connect

Author