Contrasting view of life—one leading to loneliness, one to happiness.

• Understanding Loneliness
• Take our Loneliness Test
• Find a therapist near me

Key points

• As social beings, we are born amongst others and therefore are never really alone.
• We can choose behaviors that connect us to others in positive ways.
• Nothing is guaranteed, but pro-social behaviors are more likely to lead to happiness than not.

Two quotes making the rounds on social media present starkly different views of life. The first, by journalist Hunter S. Thompson, says, “We are all alone, born alone, die alone … and we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way.” Hunter concludes, “This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

The second quote is from theologian and poet Thomas Merton. While Merton doesn’t address aloneness or happiness, both are implied in his comment, “What we are asked to do is love [others], and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.”

The Thompson’s approach strikes me as wrongheaded, while Merton’s advice may be a stretch too far.

First, Thomson: he is factually wrong. We aren’t born alone but from the body of another and in the presence of others who care for us. Without others, as infants we wouldn’t receive food or shelter. As children, we wouldn’t learn the skills of survival or have access to the material advances which make life something more than short and brutish. There is no way to understand humankind other than as first and foremost social beings.

By contrast, Merton’s urging is laudable—to love others is a worthy goal. It isn’t merely that we are in the company of others, which Thompson concedes he has had, but the nature of that relationship that transcends loneliness. But there is a problem with Merton, as well, and that is that love cannot be summoned up at will. Still, we can be kind, considerate, thoughtful, and generous; we can show our care for others by acting fairly and justly. We can choose to be cooperative and be helpful. These behaviors are within our power. And perhaps from that love may follow.

Unlike Merton’s hopeful view, Thompson’s is jaundiced. It is hardly a recipe to follow for human flourishing. It isn’t a model to emulate but a cautionary tale of a sad life. Loneliness lurks behind Thompson’s implicit philosophy of individualism, a way of living that it is widely held but deeply destructive. I have written about the problems with individualism several times, most recently here.

Merton’s goal of universal love may be obtainable only by a person devoted to the religious life, as was Merton, a Trappist monk. Others live in the murky world of competing desires and values, internal and external stresses, partial successes and failures, and limited abilities. The model of sainthood isn’t especially useful to those who live a secular and flawed life.

Hunter and Merton present contrasting philosophies of life, one sour, the other optimistic. Which one gets us closer to a life of meaning, fulfillment and flourishing?

For some, Thompson accurately reflects their own experiences and feelings of being alone. For others who accept it as a description of life in general, it may be become a self-fulfilling prophecy, a prediction that becomes true because of the influence our expectations have on seeing what we want to see.

If you believe that aloneness is inherent in the human condition, as Thompson writes, then you may well find that loneliness is an accurate description of life. Conversely, if you switch your frame of reference and behave in caring and just ways, as Merton encourages, then the possibility of experiencing the joys of living opens up. Nothing is guaranteed, but Merton does make a happy life more likely than does Thompson.

Obsession Is Not Love

Many people mistake obsession for love because both can feel intense. Movies, television, and social media often romanticize possessiveness, constant contact, and jealousy. In reality, these behaviors can be signs of an unhealthy attachment rather than genuine love.

Healthy love creates trust, security, and freedom. Obsession often creates anxiety, control, and emotional exhaustion.

Understanding the difference can help you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns before they become emotionally damaging.

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What Is Obsession?

Obsession is an overwhelming fixation on another person. Thoughts about them become constant, and your emotional well-being begins to depend on their attention, approval, or presence.

Obsessive behaviors may include:

• Constantly checking their social media
• Feeling anxious when they don’t respond immediately
• Wanting to know where they are at all times
• Ignoring your own needs to focus on them
• Feeling unable to function without them

These behaviors may feel like love, but they’re driven more by fear than connection.

Research shows that obsessive thinking is linked to anxiety, insecure attachment, and relationship distress.

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What Healthy Love Looks Like

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect rather than emotional dependency.

Healthy love includes:

• Trust
• Respect
• Honest communication
• Healthy boundaries
• Independence
• Emotional safety
• Mutual support

Partners encourage each other’s personal growth instead of controlling one another.

The American Psychological Association notes that healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and open communication rather than coercion or control.

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12 Signs Obsession Is Replacing Love

1. You Need Constant Reassurance

You constantly ask:

• Do you still love me?
• Are you mad at me?
• Who are you with?

Healthy love doesn’t require continual proof.

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2. Jealousy Controls Your Emotions

Feeling jealous occasionally is normal.

Obsessive jealousy becomes:

• Monitoring
• Accusations
• Suspicion
• Fear of losing control

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3. You Lose Your Identity

Your hobbies disappear.

Your friendships fade.

Your entire world revolves around one person.

Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their individuality.

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4. Every Text Feels Like an Emergency

Minutes without a reply create panic.

Your mood depends on notifications.

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5. You Ignore Red Flags

Obsession often convinces people to excuse:

• Manipulation
• Gaslighting
• Emotional abuse
• Broken promises

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6. You Feel Responsible for Their Happiness

Love supports.

Obsession rescues.

You begin believing it’s your job to fix every problem.

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7. Boundaries Feel Threatening

Healthy people respect:

• Privacy
• Alone time
• Personal goals

Obsessive attachment interprets boundaries as rejection.

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8. Fear Becomes Stronger Than Joy

Instead of enjoying the relationship, you spend most of your energy worrying about losing it.

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9. You Constantly Check Their Online Activity

Watching:

• Last active status
• Likes
• Followers
• Comments

can become emotionally exhausting.

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10. Control Replaces Trust

You may try to influence:

• Their schedule
• Friendships
• Clothing
• Activities

Control is not intimacy.

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11. You Stop Taking Care of Yourself

Your own:

• Sleep
• Exercise
• Nutrition
• Mental health

become secondary.

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12. You Feel Empty Without Them

Love adds to your life.

Obsession convinces you that your life has no meaning without one specific person.

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Why Obsession Happens

Several factors can contribute to obsessive relationship patterns:

• Childhood attachment experiences
• Low self-esteem
• Fear of abandonment
• Anxiety
• Trauma
• Loneliness

Attachment theory suggests that insecure attachment styles can increase fear of rejection and relationship anxiety.

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Can Obsession Become Unhealthy?

Yes.

When obsessive thoughts lead to controlling behavior, emotional abuse, stalking, or threats, the relationship is no longer healthy.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, seeking support from a licensed mental health professional can help you build healthier relationship skills.

If someone else’s behavior toward you becomes controlling, intimidating, or unsafe, prioritize your safety and seek help from trusted people or local resources.

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How to Build Healthier Love

Instead of focusing on another person, focus on becoming emotionally healthy yourself.

Helpful habits include:

• Build friendships outside the relationship.
• Continue hobbies and interests.
• Practice healthy boundaries.
• Develop self-confidence.
• Communicate openly.
• Spend time apart without guilt.
• Seek counseling if unhealthy patterns continue.

Healthy love allows two complete people to grow together—not two people who feel incomplete without each other.

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Final Thoughts

Obsession may feel passionate, but lasting love is built on trust, respect, freedom, and emotional safety.

If your relationship is driven more by fear than peace, it may be time to step back and evaluate whether what you’re experiencing is love—or an unhealthy attachment.

Learning the difference is one of the most important steps toward building relationships that truly support your well-being.

References

• American Psychological Association. Healthy relationships and communication.
• National Institute of Mental Health. Anxiety disorders overview.
• Attachment theory research and relationship attachment styles.

After a breach of trust, Examples of romantic betrayals include infidelity, dishonesty, and lack of emotional support.

The chances of a relationship surviving betrayal depend on the perpetrator’s perspective.

Betrayal can cause relational damage as well as reputational damage.

Source: Sunrise / Pixabay

There is nothing so special, even magical, as the warm glow of new romance. The period of time when partners are getting to know more about each other every day. As time goes by and trust is solidified, both parties become increasingly invested in the relationship, envisioning a bright future together. Many couples experience exactly that over the course of a lifetime, from walking down the aisle to walking into the sunset decades later. Other couples, however, are not that lucky. Somewhere along the line, one or both spouses break their vows.

The most commonly cited form of romantic betrayal is infidelity, which may be physical or emotional, an intentional strategic act or an impulsive decision made under the influence of an intoxicant. The ability to recover from the event, however, often depends on the perspective of the perpetrator. Research explains.

Harnessing the Reasons for Heartbreak

Romantic betrayal is experienced every day by partners around the globe from every demographic background. While many studies have focused on the betrayed “innocent” partner, recent research has focused on the betrayer, seeking to understand how betrayer motivation predicts relational dissolution or restoration.

F. Lalot et al. (2026) studied the reasons for betrayal in a piece entitled “The Things We Do to Each Other.”[i] They defined betrayal as “a voluntary violation of mutually known pivotal expectations of the trustor by the trusted party (trustee), which has the potential to threaten the well-being of the trustor.” They collected and analyzed more than 1100 betrayal narratives from the point of view of the relationship betrayer from university students and community participants across five countries and three languages: France, Germany, Switzerland, the United States, and the United Kingdom. In each case, Lalot et al. examined the type of betrayal, the type of relationship, and the response of the person who was betrayed, as well as the causes of disloyalty explained by the betrayer. They found a variety of different types of betrayal occurring within a range of relationships, and results including everything from forgiveness to relational dissolution to revenge.

Why Partners Stray

Lalot et al. noted several traditional examples of romantic betrayals, including infidelity, dishonesty, betraying confidences, excessive criticism, lack of emotional support, and ignoring one’s partner. They note that more recent research confirms that romantic infidelity remains the most frequently cited example of betrayal, although other reported experiences include revealing secrets, lying, manipulative behavior, gossiping, failing to assist during a time of need, and unexpectedly cutting ties.

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Lalot et al. acknowledge that betrayers may incorporate a cost-benefit approach to considering betrayal, weighing what they stand to gain against potential loss. They note that costs to the perpetrator can include relational damages as well as reputational damage if others learn about the betrayal, as well as damage to the betrayer’s personal self-image and self-esteem due to the need to integrate negative behavior into personal self-concept.

Taking Responsibility Prompts Relational Repair

Regarding motivation and blame, Lalot et al. found that betrayers predominantly explained their betrayal as stemming from internal factors as opposed to blaming the innocent party or the relational dynamics. They also found that when betrayers reported strong internal attributions for betrayal, the person betrayed was more likely to have forgiven the transgression and less likely to have taken revenge. They note that this result is consistent with the notion that perpetrators who take responsibility for their actions earn more forgiveness, whereas revenge is used to send a message designed to force the betrayer to face the consequences of their betrayal, which is unnecessary if they have already taken responsibility.

As a practical matter, however, although post-betrayal confession and remorse contribute to relational repair and resilience, motive matters. A premeditated, strategic approach to securing private time with an attractive co-worker may be more emotionally devastating than a drunken one-night stand with a stranger. But both examples include additional relational hurdles, from a habit of overindulgence to poor impulse control to a compromised conscience. Nonetheless, when couples are willing to move forward, help is available to address both the betrayal and the underlying causes, to repair relational comfort and trust.

References

[i] Lalot, F., A.-M. Bertram, J. Schuck, L. Maritz, and A. Bardeau. 2026. “The Things We Do to Each Other: A Study of Betrayal Narratives From the Betrayer’s Perspective.” Personal Relationships 33, no. 2: e70065. is a path forward.

Printed with permission

When “They Just Won’t Leave Me Alone” Becomes Something More

You block them. Then a new account starts viewing your stories. A mutual friend suddenly starts asking questions about you. An unfamiliar number sends you a message. Then you see them somewhere you didn’t expect.

You start wondering: Is this a coincidence — or are they finding ways to keep tabs on me?

When someone has been controlling, manipulative, or abusive, stalking doesn’t always look dramatic at first. Sometimes it looks like curiosity. Sometimes it looks like concern. Sometimes it’s genuinely a coincidence — and sometimes it’s anything but.

Stalking can happen in person, through other people, or through technology. The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes tactics that include repeated unwanted communication, monitoring through technology or social media, gathering information, showing up unexpectedly, and using other people to maintain access.

First: Not Every Narcissist Is a Stalker

It’s important not to assume that someone with narcissistic traits — or even someone diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder — is automatically a stalker. NPD is a clinical diagnosis that requires professional evaluation.

The concern is the behavior, not the label. If someone repeatedly monitors, follows, contacts, intimidates, or interferes with your life after you’ve made it clear you don’t want contact, focus on what they’re doing. You don’t need a diagnosis to take unwanted behavior seriously.

1. New Social Media Accounts Keep Appearing

You block one account. Another appears — maybe with a different name, minimal info, nothing obviously connected. The account itself isn’t the point; the pattern is. If blocked accounts keep being replaced by new ones watching or contacting you, document it rather than engaging.

What you can do: Don’t accept suspicious requests just to find out who’s behind them. Screenshot when appropriate. Review your privacy settings. Ask trusted friends not to share information about you. You don’t owe an unfamiliar account access to your life.

2. Mutual Friends Are Quietly Feeding Information

You mentioned something privately to a friend — and somehow, your ex already knows. That alone doesn’t mean you’re being stalked; information travels in ordinary ways. But repeated information-gathering through mutual contacts becomes concerning as part of a larger pattern: Where are you living now? Are you seeing anyone? What are you doing this weekend?

If people around you keep reporting these questions, become more selective about what you share — you don’t have to accuse anyone.

3. They Keep “Coincidentally” Showing Up

Your coffee shop. Then somewhere else. Once is likely coincidence. Repeated appearances at places you regularly go — home, work, school — deserve attention. If you feel unsafe, don’t confront them for an explanation. Your safety matters more than getting an answer.

4. “Accidental” Contact Tests Your Boundaries

“Just checking on you.” “I found something of yours.” “I had a dream about you.” The message itself can be completely ordinary — that’s what makes it confusing. The real question isn’t whether the message was nice. It’s: did you ask this person to stop contacting you? If you set that boundary and contact continues anyway, the boundary is what matters — not the tone of the message.

5. They Reach You Through Other People

You block them. Then a friend passes along a message “on their behalf,” or a family member says they “really want to talk.” You’re allowed to say: “I don’t want messages from this person passed to me” — no explanation required.

6. They’re Monitoring Your Online Activity

They know when you post. They reference your location. They know who you’ve been spending time with, without you telling them. If you suspect your accounts or devices are being watched, consider reviewing passwords, privacy settings, location sharing, and device access — but if changing settings could alert someone abusive, get help building a safety plan first.

7. They’re Actively Collecting Information

Public records, search engines, mutual contacts, social media — some stalking behavior is just quiet information-gathering. This is part of why oversharing online can create real risk. You don’t have to disappear from social media, but consider limiting what’s public: your exact location, daily routine, workplace, home address, real-time travel, and details about your children.

8. Gifts or Unexpected Items Show Up

Flowers. Packages. Something you “left behind.” A gift alone isn’t stalking — but unwanted gifts become part of a pattern when someone keeps trying to get your attention after being asked to stop. You don’t owe gratitude just because the item looks thoughtful.

9. They Make You Doubt What You’re Seeing

This is often the most damaging part. You notice a pattern — then start questioning yourself: Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe it’s nothing. If this person has manipulated you before, that self-doubt runs even deeper.

Keep the focus on observable facts: What happened? When? How many times? Did you ask it to stop? Documenting the pattern makes it easier to see clearly — and easier to trust yourself again.

10. Contact Escalates When You Stop Responding

More calls. More accounts. More attempts through friends. More unexpected appearances. Escalation after loss of access is a serious signal — you don’t have to wait for something dramatic to happen before you take it seriously and build a safety plan.

What to Do If You Think You’re Being Stalked

Document the pattern. Dates, times, messages, screenshots, witnesses, unexpected encounters. The goal isn’t obsessively tracking them — it’s documenting what’s happening to you, in case you need support from law enforcement, an attorney, an advocate, or your workplace.

Don’t meet alone for “closure.” You don’t owe an in-person meeting because someone demands one. If ongoing contact is unavoidable (shared children, property, work), use safer, structured communication.

Tell someone you trust. A friend, family member, coworker, or therapist. Stalking can make your world feel smaller — you don’t have to carry it alone.

Review your digital security. Unique passwords, two-factor authentication, checking login activity and connected devices. If you think someone already has device access, get professional tech-safety help before changing settings that could alert them.

Care for your body while you’re carrying this. Chronic hypervigilance — checking over your shoulder, sleeping lightly, staying braced — takes a physical toll, not just a mental one. Rest, grounded movement, and nervous-system care matter here as much as documentation does.

The Most Important Thing to Remember

You don’t need to prove someone is a narcissist. You don’t need to convince everyone something is wrong. And you don’t need to wait until it’s “bad enough” for someone else to take you seriously.

Pay attention to patterns — not intent, not explanations, not how innocent it can be made to look. Stalking is about behavior and unwanted persistence.

And if this is happening to you: it is not your fault.

Your priority isn’t figuring out why they’re doing it. It’s protecting your peace, your privacy, and your safety.

You Don’t Have to Handle It Alone

If you’re concerned about stalking or technology-facilitated abuse, consider speaking with a qualified domestic violence or stalking advocate to build a safety plan specific to your situation. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers safety-planning resources, and SPARC provides stalking-specific information and assessment tools.

If you’re in immediate danger, contact emergency services.

Related Resources

• How to Set Boundaries With Toxic People — And Actually Stick to Them
• Going No Contact With Narcissists vs. Grey Rock
• Texting Behavior of Narcissists: How to Respond and Stay in Control
• 10 Phrases Narcissists Say — And What They’re Really Telling You

Final Reminder

You’re allowed to protect your privacy. You’re allowed to block someone. You’re allowed to stop explaining yourself. You’re allowed to ask people not to share information about you. And you’re allowed to take repeated unwanted behavior seriously.

Sometimes healing starts when you stop asking “Am I overreacting?” and start asking “What do I need to feel safe again?”

Female Narcissist: Deniable Manipulation Tactics

How to Spot a Female Narcissist: Deniable Manipulation Tactics

Not all narcissistic manipulation looks like control or aggression. Many women with narcissistic traits rely on subtlety — charm, feigned vulnerability, and indirect tactics that leave plenty of room for denial. That deniability is the tactic itself: no matter what she does, it can always be spun as innocent, misread, or someone else’s fault.

Recognizing these patterns is protective — for your relationships, your friendships, your family dynamics, and honestly, for your own body. Chronic exposure to this kind of manipulation doesn’t just wear on your mind; it shows up as tension, disrupted sleep, and stress that lives in the body long after the conversation ends. Awareness is the first step back toward steadiness, in both.

The Deniability Playbook

1. Gaslighting as a Core Strategy
Reality gets twisted just enough that you start questioning your own memory. Conversations get denied, reactions get reframed as “overreacting,” and over time you stop trusting your own read on things (Stern, 2018).
Example: She sends a hurtful message, then insists she “didn’t mean it that way” — and somehow you’re the one apologizing.

2. The Victim Role
Confrontation gets flipped fast. She becomes the wounded party, gaining sympathy while quietly shifting the blame onto you (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001).
Example: She lashes out, then later says, “I only reacted that way because you hurt me first.”

3. Indirect Manipulation
Rather than open aggression, it’s passive-aggression, backhanded compliments, or quiet exclusion — all easily waved off as “just a joke” if you push back.
Example: A sarcastic comment about your choices in front of friends, followed by “you’re being too sensitive” if you say anything.

4. Triangulation
Third parties get pulled in to stir comparison, jealousy, or insecurity — while she stays just far enough removed to deny any intent (Brown, 2016).
Example: Casually bringing up someone else’s success in a way that leaves you feeling less-than, then acting surprised you took it personally.

5. Charm and Idealization
After conflict — or at the start of a relationship — charm and affection reappear, often genuinely enough that it becomes easy to second-guess whether the hurt was even real.
Example: A wave of thoughtful messages or gifts right after a moment of criticism, leaving you unsure whether to trust what you felt.

6. Blame Shifting
Accountability rarely lands. Circumstances, other people, or you become the reason — anything but her (Ronningstam, 2016).
Example: “If you hadn’t been so sensitive, I wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Protecting Your Peace

• Document interactions. Texts, emails, and notes keep your memory anchored when gaslighting tries to blur it.
• Set clear boundaries — and hold them. Name what’s unacceptable, and follow through on the consequence.
• Detach emotionally. Her behavior is a reflection of her patterns, not a measure of your worth.
• Care for your body, not just your mind. Manipulation is stressful on the nervous system — movement, rest, and grounding practices matter here as much as insight does.
• Seek support. A therapist, trusted friend, or family member can offer the outside perspective gaslighting tries to erode.

Why Awareness Matters

Deniability is what makes this kind of manipulation so hard to name in the moment. But once you can see the pattern — gaslighting, victim-playing, triangulation, charm cycles, blame-shifting — it gets a lot harder for it to work on you.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, puts it: “Narcissists are masters at making their actions seem harmless. Awareness and boundaries are your best tools.”

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publishing.

Let’s not mince words about sexual gaslighting.

Key points

• Sexual gaslighting is a manipulative attempt to get a person to question their reality around a sexual situation.
• Sexual gaslighting does not allow for informed sexual consent.
• There are many resources available for those who believe they have been the victim of sexual gaslighting.

In a recent article, I discussed the concept of sexual gaslighting. In it, I defined sexual gaslighting as, “the psychological and abusive manipulation of another for the purpose of the other to question their reality around a sexual situation.” To illustrate this, I used the example of a research participant who discussed her partner performing sexual acts on her, acts that she did not consent to, while she was unconscious. Once conscious, the partner claimed she has asked for it, thereby attempting to manipulate her reality. Faking unconsciousness on another occasion proved to her that she was not asking for these sexual behaviors and he was acting against her wishes.

Source: Rodnae Productions/Pexels

To add a deeper reflection into what lies at the heart of sexual gaslighting, we need to start with issues of consent. One cannot sexually consent if they are underage, intoxicated, or unconscious. Furthermore, if one is not properly informed (being supplied with necessary and accurate information) they cannot give informed consent. So, if an individual has not given consent regarding a sexual act prior to engagement and is not conscious—that individual has not given and cannot give sexual consent. If sexual gaslighting is the active and intended manipulation of another, then the other is not accurately informed. Therefore, sexual gaslighting does not allow for informed sexual consent. If the act does not include sexual consent, that act is sexual assault. Sexual assault is defined by RAINN as, “sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim,” and includes forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, unwanted touching or fondling, and rape. The brutal reality of sexual gaslighting is that it is either a precursor to sexual assault or it is an attempt to convince a victim that sexual assault had not occurred. Some perpetrators use sexual gaslighting as a method to navigate around the fact that they committed sexual assault. In the end, all forms of sexual assault, including rape, are about power, as is the manipulation of another to question the reality of a sexual situation.

Sexual gaslighting presents a unique feature in issues of consent and sexual assault. Victim’s psychological trauma is increased beyond that associated with sexual assault. The victim is left to distrust their own reality and their senses. They may become unable to trust others or even their own autonomy. Essentially, they come to distrust their own narrative.

It is essential that the general public and the justice system recognize sexual gaslighting for what it truly is, and act and shape attitudes accordingly. Sexual gaslighting undermines autonomy and violates sexual consent.

If you suspect or believe you are a victim of sexual gaslighting or nonconsensual sexual behavior, there are many resources available to you, including:

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• National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673)
• National Sexual Violence Resource Center (www.nsvrc.org)
• National Center for PTSD (www.ptsd.va.gov)
• Darkness to Light (www.d2l.org)
• Safe Horizon (www.safehorizon.org)
• National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org or 1-800-799-7233)
• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network [RAINN] (www.rain.org)
• Or Call 911

About the Author

David W. Wahl, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and sex researcher. His work focuses on issues related to sexual desire and behavior, shaming and stigmatization, sex and gender, sexual violence, sex work, and human trafficking.

Everything is going to fall apart. My child is going to get into an accident. I could never accomplish anything even close to great. I don’t have any special skills. I don’t think that my family will be okay. I probably won’t be able to handle it if something does happen to me or someone I love. No one will like me if they knew what I was really thinking. Last time I spoke my mind, I sounded like an idiot.

Do Any of These Thoughts Sound Familiar?

These thoughts, and many more, play through the minds of anxious people like a song on repeat. These very beliefs reinforce worry, fear, and self-doubt. You might know that these thoughts aren’t helpful to your wellbeing, but still, it feels impossible to stop them.

Instead of trying to stop them, though, I encourage you to take a closer look at your own thoughts and identify the ones that fill your mind with anxiety and worry. Not to judge them or rid yourself of them, just to observe them.

Ask yourself: Are these thoughts facts or merely anxious projections? How can I differentiate between what is a real threat and what is imagined?

When thoughts of worry enter your mind, be aware of the observer within you. This is the real you that dwells beneath the surface of your thoughts. When you observe, you can watch the thoughts that flow through your mind. In those moments of anxiety and worry, if you are able to access yourself, you will have the ability to better distinguish between facts and anxiety driven thoughts.

3 Ways to Shift Your Perspective and Overcome Anxiety

1.     Don’t try to stop your thoughts

I am sure that you have tried countless times, to get your anxious thoughts to stop. Most of us are aware that certain thoughts aren’t so useful to us, like when we think of all the “what ifs” and conjure up a ton of worst-case scenarios. However, what stumbles most people isn’t that they have the thoughts, but that they believe them to be true. Though it is important to remember, in those anxious moments, thoughts derived from anxiety aren’t facts, they are merely the most primitive parts of our brain reacting to a perceived threat. So, instead of trying to stop your thoughts, make-an-effort to recognize their presents and the discomfort you feel around them, knowing that they aren’t speaking the truth.

2.     Stay present

Worry cannot flourish and blossom if you are fully connected with the present moment. Anxiety happens when we dwell in the past or fear future outcomes. Try to bring yourself here now and live moment to moment, without judgment. This will help you to center yourself and not be drifted away by unfounded anxious feelings.

3.     Be proactive

If struggles, difficulties or issues arise in your life and worry comes up in your mind, being proactive can keep you from conjuring up all of the worst-case scenarios. It can also help you to build confidence in yourself to face life’s difficulties. Ask yourself what you are really worried about and if there is something you can do about it. If there is, be proactive and find a way to get through it.

To shift your perspective, watch your thoughts and become aware of any worrisome ideas or feelings that pop up within your consciousness. Remind yourself that those worry-filled thoughts are not facts. Take a moment to accept the anxious thoughts for what they are, find the truth, and bring yourself back to the present moment.

Using Self-disclosure As a Tool for Greater Connection by “Steve”

Being Real

Using self-disclosure as a tool for greater connection.

THE BASICS

• What Is Psychopharmacology?
• Take our Do I Need Therapy?
• Find counselling near me

Key points

• Clients appreciate when psychotherapists are real.
• Self-disclosure is a powerful tool when used appropriately.
• Self-disclosure that is brief, authentic, and culturally-sensitive can make a greater impact.

Source: J’Wayne Covington/Unsplash

“I would prefer asthma over schizophrenia any day,” said Mike, begrudgingly.

The sinking feeling in my chest suggested an impending disaster. An attempt at relating with my client had backfired. Mike struggled with taking his medication regularly.

Many people with severe mental illnesses refuse to take medication at some point during their treatment (Velligan, Sajatovic, Hatch, Kramata, & Docherty, 2017). Black men are no different. Mistrust in the medical system exacerbates Black men failing to take measures to ensure optimal health (Powell et al., 2019).

Self-disclosure—or sharing personal information about yourself—is a controversial topic for therapists (Ziv-Beiman, 2013). Some argue that it helps, while others suggest that it may be harmful. Being eager to help, I tried to equate asthma with Mike’s perception of schizophrenia. I wanted to convey that just as I was required to take my inhaler, he had to keep up with his medication as well. Mike went on to express how he would much prefer asthma over schizophrenia. They are both serious health concerns. However, the conditions are viewed differently.

Mental health concerns have more stigma associated with them (Husain et al., 2020). One study of over 8,000 individuals found that it takes people 11 years from the time they start experiencing symptoms to the time they get treated (Wang, Berglund, Olfson, & Kessler, 2004). Stigma is a significant contributor to this problem.

Self-disclosure can be a powerful tool—when used appropriately—to reduce some of the stigma. There are many reasons why therapists utilize disclosure. Appropriate disclosure helps validate and normalize our client’s reality, offers different ways of thinking and behaving, and deepens the connection between us and our clients (Hill & Knox, 2001). It can also help us come across as more relatable; power differentials present significant challenges when working with male clients (Bichard, 2019).

Below are some considerations for what appropriate self-disclosure looks like:

Culturally sensitive

The use of self-disclosure can be problematic if it is based on cultural assumptions (Lee, 2014). As discussed in a previous article, culture goes beyond race and ethnicity. Our disclosure should only be used after we have a thorough understanding of the cultural factors that impact our client’s worldview.

Authentic

Clients appreciate when we are real. Our professional licensure, certifications, and other indicators of clinical acumen sometimes create distance as opposed to allowing us to connect. Sharing something about ourselves—when relevant—can help minimize this barrier.

Client-focused

The goal should always be to help the client meet their needs as opposed to having our own needs met. My angst and need to be viewed in a favorable manner led me to indirectly tell Mike, “Hey, I have to take this medication as well. See, no big deal.” It is a big deal. People who struggle with mental illnesses often experience shame and guilt in addition to the debilitating effects of the disorder. Further, I was not being real as I take my inhalers as needed (which is different than Mike’s case in that he is required to take his medication daily).

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Brief

It is their session, not ours. If we are not careful, we may elicit a caretaking response from our client. As mentioned in an earlier article, good therapists are in therapy themselves to get their own needs met. Another point is that disclosure should not frequently happen for the same reason mentioned above.

Elicit feedback

It is important to carefully observe our client’s reactions (facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc.) to get a sense of how our self-disclosure affects them. Further, it helps to ask clients directly how they perceived our disclosure.

Some questions to be mindful of before disclosing are: What need is driving me to share this information (is it for me, or is it for the client)? How might this information be helpful? Is this helpful to share now (perhaps the disclosure may be better suited for a later time)?

I share this lesson to demonstrate that I am human and make mistakes. I made this error earlier in my career and still sometimes make mistakes today. However, I have found that mistakes can strengthen our alliance with clients if we are willing to admit them. Through self-awareness and honesty with ourselves, we can use these moments as opportunities to be real.

Fortunately, I was able to move forward in a manner that was productive for Mike. Consider using self-disclosure appropriately in order to make meaningful connections with your clients.

Some weeks just take more out of you. Maybe it was work, a hard conversation, a string of small frustrations that added up, or just the low hum of exhaustion that doesn’t have one clear cause. Whatever it was, you made it through — and now it’s worth taking a few quiet minutes to put it down on paper before you carry it into the next one.

Journaling after a hard week isn’t about fixing everything or finding a silver lining you’re not ready for yet. It’s about processing — letting your nervous system know the week is actually over, and giving your mind a place to put down what it’s been holding.

Here are 25 prompts to help you do exactly that, organized so you can start wherever feels right.

Why Reflecting After a Hard Week Matters

When a week is hard, your body often stays in a low-grade stress response even after the hard part is technically finished — meetings end, but the tension doesn’t. Writing gives your nervous system a clear signal: this is over, I can process it now. It also helps you notice patterns (what actually drained you, what helped) so next week doesn’t have to look identical.

Prompts to Name What Happened

1. What was the hardest part of this week, in one or two sentences?
2. What emotion did you feel most often this week? Where did you feel it in your body?
3. What’s one thing you haven’t said out loud about this week — even to yourself?
4. If this week had a headline, what would it be?
5. What surprised you about how you handled this week?

Prompts to Release Tension

6. What are you still carrying from this week that you’re ready to put down?
7. Write a sentence you needed to hear this week but didn’t.
8. What would it feel like to fully exhale about this week?
9. Is there anger, sadness, or frustration you haven’t let yourself feel yet? Give it a few lines here.
10. What’s one thing that happened this week that wasn’t your fault?

Prompts to Find What Actually Helped

11. What got you through the hardest moment this week?
12. Who or what made this week even 1% easier?
13. What’s one small thing you did for yourself this week that you’re proud of?
14. When did you feel most like yourself this week, even briefly?
15. What coping tool did you reach for, and did it work?

Prompts to Notice Patterns

16. Is this a “hard week” you’ve had before? What’s familiar about it?
17. What drained your energy the most — and was it something you can change next time?
18. What boundary, if you’d had it in place, would have made this week easier?
19. What’s one thing you’d tell a friend who had the exact week you just had?
20. Looking back, what does this week want you to pay attention to?

Prompts to Reset and Look Forward

21. What does “lighter” look like for you going into next week?
22. What’s one thing you can let go of before Monday?
23. What’s something small you’re looking forward to?
24. What would make next week 10% easier than this one?
25. Write yourself a short note to read next time you have a week like this one.

How to Use These Prompts

You don’t need to answer all 25 — even one, done honestly, can shift how a hard week sits with you. Many people find it helpful to do this on a Friday evening or Sunday morning, as a way of formally “closing” the week before the next one starts.

If weekly reset journaling is something you want to build into a regular rhythm, our Weekly Reset Journal Workbook includes these prompts plus a simple format for a five-minute Friday check-in.

Get the Weekly Reset Journal Workbook →

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FAQ

How often should I journal after a hard week? Even once a week — a short Friday or Sunday reflection — can be enough to notice patterns and process built-up stress before it carries into the next week.

What if writing about the week makes me feel worse at first? That can happen, especially if you’ve been pushing feelings aside to get through the week. Go slowly, keep entries short, and reach out to a therapist or trusted person if what comes up feels like more than you can process alone.

Is there a “right” way to do this kind of journaling? No — there’s no required format. Bullet points, half-sentences, and messy handwriting all count.

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Sources

• American Psychological Association — research on stress recovery and reflective writing
• Harvard Health Publishing — research on journaling and reduced physiological stress markers