Grief shows us the value of what we have lost.

Key points

• We see the tragedy our clients experience but cannot be flooded by it, or we wouldn’t be able to do our work.
• Meaning-making is a stage of grief that helps us integrate grief into life purposefully.
• Grief and depression may coincide but may be mutually exclusive; clinicians need to be sensitive to this.

Dr. Kübler-Ross, in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, offered for the first time a framework for understanding grief, based on her research with terminal patients. Her model is not linear, and individuals may cycle through or revisit as needed.

Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist, describes denial, the first stage of grief, as a defense mechanism where our minds numb us to the immediacy of the loss. The next stage is anger, where the denial gives way to feelings of anger at the pain experienced from the loss or at external circumstances brought about by the loss. The third stage is bargaining, where we might try to negotiate the pain of the loss away by perhaps imagining different outcomes. Then we may experience feelings of depression characterized by the weight of what has occurred, expressed with sadness, isolation, or hopelessness. The final stage is acceptance, which might be best described as learning to live with the permanent pain and changes it brings to how life was.

Dr. David Kessler, a grief expert, has added another stage he describes as meaning, which allows a person to move forward, honor the loss in some way, and find a way to integrate the experience into a purposeful life.

The DSM-5-TR pathologizes grief by calling it Prolonged Grief Disorder, and it adheres to a caveat of more days than not and over a month of intense yearning and preoccupation with thoughts or memories of the deceased person. A person must exhibit marked disbelief about death and avoidance of reminders of the deceased, and experience three symptoms from a laundry list that includes identity disturbance, reminders of loss, intense emotional pain, and more.

This historical development is presented as a long-term process culminating in the inclusion of valid, clinically relevant prolonged grief disorder criteria in diagnostic handbooks. Yet there are challenges to this dominant narrative. As stated in a 2023 article (Eisma, 2023): “[T]he developmental history of prolonged grief disorder has been nonlinear and…this yields questions on generalizability and problems with measurement.” Grief and depression may certainly coincide, but they also may be mutually exclusive, and we as clinicians need to be sensitive to this.

Grief may also tell us we lost something important that may not be a person, but something else. Grief informs us of the value of something we have received. As I work with individuals who suffer from severe and persistent mental illness, I witness loss often. The person who hears voices marching through their head or believes they are being followed may grieve the absence of quiet and safety.

Individuals who have been sexually or physically abused as children, those who lack loving and committed parents, homeless or hungry persons, or those who suffer from a pervasive life-changing mental illness grieve for those losses they have experienced, yet they don’t have the luxury to grieve because their lives are filled with instincts to survive.

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Illegal immigrants who live in fear of being deported at any moment cannot grieve their loss of hope about the lives they believed they would have had. It is ever-present grief about the immediacy of impending loss.

I believe grief also takes us to a darker side of life we would rather not see. For those of us in mental health care, we see the tragedy our clients have experienced routinely, but we cannot be flooded with grieving, or we would be unable to do our work.

Grief is a multidimensional experience that all of us will experience or have experienced in our lives. Perhaps it is the experience that has allowed us to go deeper inside ourselves to serve others. It is a common occurrence that we don’t speak enough about.

I had a client I worked with for 20 years. She suffered not only severe and persistent mental illness but also borderline personality disorder. I met her in a clinic I was working in and was able to accommodate her in my private practice following my leaving the clinic.

She was a unique human being, but she had spent her life cutting her arms and pushing people away and hearing voices when no one was around. She was a pacifist and often went to marches to proclaim nonviolence.

Over time, she abandoned her cutting behaviors in favor of developing relationships with others and expressing her deep feelings openly and with less fear and intensity. Her favorite method of being pampered was being psychiatrically hospitalized at a few chosen sites. Not only a particular hospital but a designated floor.

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When she was 51 years old, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. When oxygen became necessary, she could not visit my office, so I decided to have our sessions at her house.

She became less able to care for herself and did not have any care providers, so she moved into a nursing home where she would be able to be transported to a hospital for her chemotherapy and radiation. The rides became very painful. She needed to be wheeled into an ambulance and take the bumpy ride to treatment. After a few treatments, she elected to discontinue both. She was going to die.

I once again decided that I would conduct therapy where she was living, in a private room, which she was wheeled into. This continued for months as she weakened, but she was still committed to working in therapy.

This process forced me to consider the purpose of psychotherapy and the surroundings in which it occurs.

She had requested my attendance at her bedside as death approached. I remained one day when she passed. Having received verbal permission to speak at her funeral, I gave the eulogy.

My grief was not like it was for other deaths I had previously experienced. It was a deep-felt awareness of my connection to someone with whom I had passed through different stages of her life. I felt a gratitude, a joy, a sadness, and privilege to have known someone who changed my life and helped me become a deeper, more compassionate, more skilled practitioner. It was David Kessler’s stage of meaning.

Fifteen years later, her calligraphy hangs in my home, and her dream catcher hangs in a window.

References

Eisma, Maarten C. Aust N Z J Psychiatry. 2023 Feb 6;57(7):944–951.

Forgiving yourself is not letting yourself off the hook.

Source: Pixabay

I acknowledge that some people “forgive” themselves too easily and quickly. When they feel the tooth of remorse or the pang of regret, they let themselves off the hook. Denying their responsibility, minimizing their role, shifting blame, and engaging in revisionist history are some of the characteristic moves of the speedy self-forgiver. This is not genuine self-forgiveness, because there’s little self-reflection about how their actions have harmed others or themselves. Nor is there much reflection about how these experiences and one’s responses to them might make them better people in the future. There’s no effort to repair any damage. These people seem more concerned with removing negative emotions, such as remorse and regret, by wiping the slate clean. They treat themselves and their actions like an Etch-A-Sketch toy. Give a good shake, and all the troubling experiences and the negative emotions they create just disappear.

Genuine self-forgiveness can help restore a person’s sense that she has moral worth and dignity, even if she has made significant mistakes and caused great harm to others or to herself. It all comes down to what she is willing to do in the present and future. She must acknowledge what she’s done, repair as best she can and as circumstances allow, and commit to doing better in the future. The bitter irony is that the people who perhaps most need and deserve to forgive themselves cannot. The necessary reflection and acknowledgment can be very difficult, because some people are burdened by forms of self-deception. Self-deception makes it difficult to identify when self-forgiveness is appropriate. Some of these forms of self-deception include:

Exceptionalism: You hold yourself accountable or blameworthy in ways that you would never hold others. You hold yourself to a standard that is far higher than the one you use for others. This is a cousin to perfectionism. You expect yourself to be perfect, and anything less than perfection is an abject failure. You believe you control the outcomes of your actions. If those actions go awry, you can only assume it is your fault.

Expansionism: You expand the realm of your responsibility to just about everything. You significantly overestimate your zone of responsibility, thereby assuming responsibility for acts or situations that are not yours. If you see yourself as responsible for everything, you will always encounter your failures and mistakes.

Confirmation bias: You operate with the assumption that someone like you (insert all negative judgments here) can only bring about harms or injuries to others. Every act confirms your inadequacy or culpability, which exacerbates shame. You believe everything you do and everything about you is bad or wrong or hurtful, and this reinforces your view that someone like you doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

These forms of self-deception are notoriously difficult to identify and interrupt, because they are so familiar. More accurately, they are normal to those who operate under them; they mediate how people see themselves and others. This has very real consequences. Consider Tina. If Tina believes everything bad that happens in a relationship is her fault, her partner may reinforce that belief along with the belief that he has no responsibility for what happens. Tina takes his blame and directs her own at herself. This may make a relationship go from bad to toxic and dangerous.

Let’s imagine Tina finally leaves her partner after many years. She feels as if she has really let herself down by having stayed for so long. She’s wasted too many years with someone who not only didn’t make her a better person but also tore her down. Why is self-forgiveness appropriate, and what might it look like for her? Self-forgiveness is appropriate, because it is a way to restore dignity, which is often damaged in toxic relationships. Self-forgiveness is a step in rebuilding—if not building for the first time—the sense that a person matters.

What might the acknowledgment, repair, and commitment that are crucial for self-forgiveness look like for Tina? She needs to acknowledge the history of the relationship and what patterns developed anew or continued from past relationships. She needs to acknowledge her feelings and reasons for staying, along with her reasons for leaving. She needs to acknowledge what was beyond her control and what were her partner’s responsibilities. This is a very hard thing to do.

The repair work takes several forms. To repair is to restore, rejuvenate, heal, and redeem one’s self. One important step is to reframe. Tina may have a tape running through her head that she did all of this to herself; she chose to stay for so long. She sees her harms as self-inflicted. If she were to reframe particular decisions, that may help to reframe the broader picture. For example, she may come to see that she had very few options—each of them bad—to choose between. While rocks and hard places are both options, neither is a good one. She may reframe her actions in light of those choices and realize she did the best she could in difficult situations. In fact, she may see she was rather clever in coming up with third options in many situations. Something like this may help Tina to see herself as having a little more worth than she thought she had. This can be a huge achievement in healing and redeeming Tina’s sense of worth.

The commitment to a better present and future self builds off the acknowledgment and repair work. The commitment to being a better person in the future must involve the commitment to treat yourself better by valuing and respecting yourself. It is a commitment to break old patterns of self-deprecation and denigration that aid and abet self-deception. When Tina does this, she is less likely to tolerate others who are trying to define her value and worth for her.

Self-forgiveness does not happen quickly and easily. It can be scary for sure, but it can also be uplifting and liberating.

How to cope with obsessive thoughts in a relationship. By Susi Ferrarello, Ph.D.

“I can’t stop thinking about her”. “I want to know everything about her.” “Time stops when I’m with her.” “I don’t think she knows how much I care about her.”

If you hear these sentences, would you think about love or obsession? Sometimes, separating the two can be quite an endeavor. Having feelings for someone we don’t know very well can border on an insane obsession we cultivate for that person and unhealthy projections we attribute to them.

On obsession or being under siege

In general, obsession is quite an unhealthy state of mind. It becomes even more dangerous when obsession gets confused with romantic feelings somewhat resembling love.

But obsession is a state of mind that tries to tell us something important about ourselves to improve the quality of our lives.

Irvin Yalom once wrote: “Love obsession often serves as a distraction, keeping the individual’s gaze from more painful thoughts.”

Obsession is a distraction; a very dangerous and consuming one. It keeps us from a true intimate connection with ourselves.

That is, if you start obsessing about someone, this person is the least of your problems. It is very likely in fact that this person does not even feel cared for by you.

Obsession is putting you under siege. In fact, the word, ‘obsession’ comes from the Latin ob-sidere, which means to be occupied and almost invaded by something that does not belong to you. In fact, the person you may be obsessing about is often a stranger, a long distant friend, a coworker; someone you met only a few times. It is someone you do not know well. The fact that you do not know this person very well allows the obsession to thrive. Thanks to the lack of reality checks, your mind will run wild in projections on the life of this person. You will build possible scenarios about your next encounter with them. Any action or reaction from that person will make your heart beat as never before. You are alive but under siege. You are alive because you are under siege. Suddenly, your mind will be busied with intruding thoughts that do not fully belong to you but keep you busy.

Keeping you busy is the hidden agenda of any obsession. Obsessions are there to displace your attention and care about what truly matters.

But watch out. The glimpses of joy you allow yourself to feel when humoring the obsession are often just an illusion. What seems to bring promises of joy and happiness will be the carrier of a loss of sleep and a ton of anxiety.

How can you know if you are in love, or if you are just obsessed?

You can decide to allow yourself some time to answer this question.

If the person you are feeling so much about is the right person for you, the decision about what to do with these important feelings can wait some time; before making big decisions, you can allow yourself to take some distance and check with yourself if there is something missing in your life that justifies the obsessive feelings.

Often, the difference between obsession and healthy loving feelings is marked out by a natural spontaneous and anxiety free growth. When prey to obsessions, you are getting close to the person you feel obsessed about with a ton of anxiety, double guessing, and looping thoughts. So, it might be that you feel attracted to this person and feel slightly insecure about him or her. With a closer look, you might realize that you do not know much about this person. You might see that you did not spend so much time with him or her. You do not actually know how she or he is in the world.

With a deeper introspection, you might even realize that you do not care that much about their life or inner world; what you want is their spotlight on you. You want this person to see you, to get to know you, to get interested in your life. You look forward to making this person part of your life.

In fact, this person whose company you are craving, is you.

Give yourself what you fantasize receiving from your obsession

Obsessions are very tricky. In fact, they indicate that there is something so painful and sad at the bottom of your chest that you have decided to disconnect from it.

In fact, if you try to think lucidly through it—”what if I give in to my obsession”—a disastrous chain of events sometimes follows: your marriage breaking up in an awful way, losing respect for yourself, getting so disorganized that a job offer is revoked, etc.

An obsession can help you make the change you are so afraid of. Yet, it will open that door in a tempestuous way: your life will be so busy and disorganized that you will eventually forget about your pain.

But pain cannot ever be forgotten. It can be repressed, but never deleted from the soul unless you put real work into listening to it.

Ideally, what you can do to care about yourself is to give yourself some time to understand the limits of your situation. To do that, you need to resist the temptation of giving the obsession all your time.

You can pay attention to the obsession, only in so far as it tells you something concrete about what you would like to do. Do you desire to be with the other person? What would make this encounter so special? Do you want this person to know about your interests? Do you want this person to acknowledge the depth of your thoughts and creativity? Then invite all this into your life. Pay attention to your own interests and try to make more time to dedicate yourself to them. Invite sex into your life with your partner, by yourself or by undertaking fun sexual adventures. Be ambitious; start doing with your life what you wish you could do with the person you are obsessing about.

To conclude: obsessions are tough

Obsessions are tough. They are little tornadoes that we invite into our life because mourning would be too painful and making a change too unsafe. The source of pain becomes so remote and disconnected that you need to play the emotional investigator in order to reconnect with that source and resolve the pain.

So, if you start paying attention to what your needs really are and what you expect to find in that person, it might be that the hurting part, hidden somewhere in you, comes back to trust you again with its thoughts and feelings.

It might be that all you can do is just cry and mourn; or it might be that it is time for you to take action in respect of that pain and move on.

In general, the best advice is to take some time for yourself to learn how to cope with the obsession and make a decision that involves the real you, not the you that is under siege.

Do Narcissists Have Feelings? Not for You, not for one second!

You’ve probably heard that narcissists don’t have feelings. That’s partly true — they don’t have real feelings for you. Their emotional world revolves around themselves, and other people exist mainly as a source of attention and validation. Understanding this distinction is key to understanding why they behave the way they do.

Emotions as Fuel: The Narcissist’s Real Motivation

For a narcissist, other people’s emotions function like fuel. Provoking a strong reaction — anger, frustration, tears — gives them a hit of power and control. The stronger your reaction, the more “proof” they get that they can still pull your strings.

This is why narcissists often seem to escalate conflict rather than resolve it. Resolution ends the supply of reaction; escalation keeps it flowing.

Why Your Reaction Feels Like a Win to Them

When your voice rises in anger or frustration turns to tears, it confirms — to them — that they’ve successfully gotten under your skin. In that moment, they feel a sense of superiority and control over you. It’s not an accident or a side effect of conflict; for a narcissist, provoking that exact response is often the goal.

The Cycle of Emotional Manipulation

The pattern typically looks like this:

1. Provoke — a comment, insult, or manipulation designed to trigger a reaction
2. React — you respond with visible frustration, anger, or hurt
3. Feed — your reaction reinforces their sense of power and control
4. Repeat — the behavior continues because it’s been rewarded

Over time, this cycle leaves the people around a narcissist feeling drained, anxious, and emotionally exhausted — while the narcissist’s need for that reaction never actually gets satisfied. It just resets and starts again.

How to Stop Feeding the Cycle

Breaking the pattern doesn’t mean suppressing how you feel — it means changing how much visible reaction you give the narcissist to work with.

• Recognize the pattern in real time. Naming it internally (“this is provocation, not a real conflict”) creates distance between the trigger and your response.
• Respond flatly instead of emotionally. A calm, low-energy response gives them nothing to feed on.
• Set a boundary and disengage. You don’t have to win the exchange — walking away is often the most effective response.
• Process the emotion elsewhere. Talk it through with someone you trust, or a therapist, rather than showing the reaction to the person provoking it.

The Bottom Line

A narcissist’s provocations aren’t random — they’re a bid for emotional reaction, because that reaction is what feeds their sense of control. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to starving it. The less reaction you supply, the less power the cycle has over you.

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If you’re in a relationship where this pattern feels constant or overwhelming, talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse or relational dynamics can help you build a plan to protect your well-being.

Sex with a narcissist often follows the same pattern as the relationship itself:

1. Love Bombing

At the beginning, sex may feel passionate, exciting, and intensely intimate. They may:

• Make you feel like you’re the only person in the world.
• Be very attentive to your needs.
• Use physical affection to create a strong emotional bond quickly.

2. Control

As the relationship progresses, sex may become a way to gain power. They may:

• Decide when intimacy happens.
• Withhold affection as punishment.
• Pressure you into activities you’re uncomfortable with.
• Use sex to reward or punish behavior.

3. Lack of Emotional Intimacy

Although the physical connection may seem intense, genuine emotional closeness is often missing. A narcissist may:

• Focus primarily on their own pleasure.
• Show little empathy for your feelings.
• Treat sex as validation rather than mutual connection.

4. Devaluation

Once the idealization phase ends, they may:

• Criticize your appearance or performance.
• Compare you to others.
• Become distant or reject intimacy.
• Use infidelity or flirting to make you jealous.

5. Hoovering

If you leave, they may try to pull you back by:

• Becoming suddenly affectionate.
• Promising change.
• Using sexual memories or chemistry to rekindle the relationship.

Healthy Sex vs. Narcissistic Sex

Healthy Relationship	Narcissistic Relationship
Mutual respect	Control and manipulation
Open communication	One-sided demands
Emotional connection	Validation seeking
Consent is respected	Boundaries may be ignored or pressured
Both partners’ needs matter	Their needs come first

Why It Can Be Hard to Leave

Many survivors describe the sexual chemistry as one of the hardest parts of ending the relationship. This can happen because:

• The cycle of affection and rejection creates powerful emotional highs and lows.
• Intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable rewards) can strengthen emotional attachment.
• You may confuse intense chemistry with genuine intimacy.

Healing After a Narcissistic Relationship

Recovery often involves:

• Rebuilding trust in yourself.
• Learning healthy relationship boundaries.
• Understanding trauma bonding.
• Seeking support from a therapist or support group if needed.
• Giving yourself time to separate emotional intensity from genuine love.

Remember, great sex alone is not evidence of a healthy relationship. In a healthy partnership, physical intimacy is built on trust, respect, empathy, consent, and mutual care—not manipulation or control.

Contrasting view of life—one leading to loneliness, one to happiness.

• Understanding Loneliness
• Take our Loneliness Test
• Find a therapist near me

Key points

• As social beings, we are born amongst others and therefore are never really alone.
• We can choose behaviors that connect us to others in positive ways.
• Nothing is guaranteed, but pro-social behaviors are more likely to lead to happiness than not.

Two quotes making the rounds on social media present starkly different views of life. The first, by journalist Hunter S. Thompson, says, “We are all alone, born alone, die alone … and we shall all someday look back on our lives and see that, in spite of our company, we were alone the whole way.” Hunter concludes, “This is what makes your self-respect so important, and I don’t see how you can respect yourself if you must look in the hearts and minds of others for your happiness.”

The second quote is from theologian and poet Thomas Merton. While Merton doesn’t address aloneness or happiness, both are implied in his comment, “What we are asked to do is love [others], and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.”

The Thompson’s approach strikes me as wrongheaded, while Merton’s advice may be a stretch too far.

First, Thomson: he is factually wrong. We aren’t born alone but from the body of another and in the presence of others who care for us. Without others, as infants we wouldn’t receive food or shelter. As children, we wouldn’t learn the skills of survival or have access to the material advances which make life something more than short and brutish. There is no way to understand humankind other than as first and foremost social beings.

By contrast, Merton’s urging is laudable—to love others is a worthy goal. It isn’t merely that we are in the company of others, which Thompson concedes he has had, but the nature of that relationship that transcends loneliness. But there is a problem with Merton, as well, and that is that love cannot be summoned up at will. Still, we can be kind, considerate, thoughtful, and generous; we can show our care for others by acting fairly and justly. We can choose to be cooperative and be helpful. These behaviors are within our power. And perhaps from that love may follow.

Unlike Merton’s hopeful view, Thompson’s is jaundiced. It is hardly a recipe to follow for human flourishing. It isn’t a model to emulate but a cautionary tale of a sad life. Loneliness lurks behind Thompson’s implicit philosophy of individualism, a way of living that it is widely held but deeply destructive. I have written about the problems with individualism several times, most recently here.

Merton’s goal of universal love may be obtainable only by a person devoted to the religious life, as was Merton, a Trappist monk. Others live in the murky world of competing desires and values, internal and external stresses, partial successes and failures, and limited abilities. The model of sainthood isn’t especially useful to those who live a secular and flawed life.

Hunter and Merton present contrasting philosophies of life, one sour, the other optimistic. Which one gets us closer to a life of meaning, fulfillment and flourishing?

For some, Thompson accurately reflects their own experiences and feelings of being alone. For others who accept it as a description of life in general, it may be become a self-fulfilling prophecy, a prediction that becomes true because of the influence our expectations have on seeing what we want to see.

If you believe that aloneness is inherent in the human condition, as Thompson writes, then you may well find that loneliness is an accurate description of life. Conversely, if you switch your frame of reference and behave in caring and just ways, as Merton encourages, then the possibility of experiencing the joys of living opens up. Nothing is guaranteed, but Merton does make a happy life more likely than does Thompson.

Obsession Is Not Love

Many people mistake obsession for love because both can feel intense. Movies, television, and social media often romanticize possessiveness, constant contact, and jealousy. In reality, these behaviors can be signs of an unhealthy attachment rather than genuine love.

Healthy love creates trust, security, and freedom. Obsession often creates anxiety, control, and emotional exhaustion.

Understanding the difference can help you recognize unhealthy relationship patterns before they become emotionally damaging.

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What Is Obsession?

Obsession is an overwhelming fixation on another person. Thoughts about them become constant, and your emotional well-being begins to depend on their attention, approval, or presence.

Obsessive behaviors may include:

• Constantly checking their social media
• Feeling anxious when they don’t respond immediately
• Wanting to know where they are at all times
• Ignoring your own needs to focus on them
• Feeling unable to function without them

These behaviors may feel like love, but they’re driven more by fear than connection.

Research shows that obsessive thinking is linked to anxiety, insecure attachment, and relationship distress.

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What Healthy Love Looks Like

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect rather than emotional dependency.

Healthy love includes:

• Trust
• Respect
• Honest communication
• Healthy boundaries
• Independence
• Emotional safety
• Mutual support

Partners encourage each other’s personal growth instead of controlling one another.

The American Psychological Association notes that healthy relationships involve respect, trust, and open communication rather than coercion or control.

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12 Signs Obsession Is Replacing Love

1. You Need Constant Reassurance

You constantly ask:

• Do you still love me?
• Are you mad at me?
• Who are you with?

Healthy love doesn’t require continual proof.

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2. Jealousy Controls Your Emotions

Feeling jealous occasionally is normal.

Obsessive jealousy becomes:

• Monitoring
• Accusations
• Suspicion
• Fear of losing control

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3. You Lose Your Identity

Your hobbies disappear.

Your friendships fade.

Your entire world revolves around one person.

Healthy relationships allow both partners to maintain their individuality.

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4. Every Text Feels Like an Emergency

Minutes without a reply create panic.

Your mood depends on notifications.

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5. You Ignore Red Flags

Obsession often convinces people to excuse:

• Manipulation
• Gaslighting
• Emotional abuse
• Broken promises

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6. You Feel Responsible for Their Happiness

Love supports.

Obsession rescues.

You begin believing it’s your job to fix every problem.

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7. Boundaries Feel Threatening

Healthy people respect:

• Privacy
• Alone time
• Personal goals

Obsessive attachment interprets boundaries as rejection.

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8. Fear Becomes Stronger Than Joy

Instead of enjoying the relationship, you spend most of your energy worrying about losing it.

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9. You Constantly Check Their Online Activity

Watching:

• Last active status
• Likes
• Followers
• Comments

can become emotionally exhausting.

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10. Control Replaces Trust

You may try to influence:

• Their schedule
• Friendships
• Clothing
• Activities

Control is not intimacy.

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11. You Stop Taking Care of Yourself

Your own:

• Sleep
• Exercise
• Nutrition
• Mental health

become secondary.

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12. You Feel Empty Without Them

Love adds to your life.

Obsession convinces you that your life has no meaning without one specific person.

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Why Obsession Happens

Several factors can contribute to obsessive relationship patterns:

• Childhood attachment experiences
• Low self-esteem
• Fear of abandonment
• Anxiety
• Trauma
• Loneliness

Attachment theory suggests that insecure attachment styles can increase fear of rejection and relationship anxiety.

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Can Obsession Become Unhealthy?

Yes.

When obsessive thoughts lead to controlling behavior, emotional abuse, stalking, or threats, the relationship is no longer healthy.

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, seeking support from a licensed mental health professional can help you build healthier relationship skills.

If someone else’s behavior toward you becomes controlling, intimidating, or unsafe, prioritize your safety and seek help from trusted people or local resources.

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How to Build Healthier Love

Instead of focusing on another person, focus on becoming emotionally healthy yourself.

Helpful habits include:

• Build friendships outside the relationship.
• Continue hobbies and interests.
• Practice healthy boundaries.
• Develop self-confidence.
• Communicate openly.
• Spend time apart without guilt.
• Seek counseling if unhealthy patterns continue.

Healthy love allows two complete people to grow together—not two people who feel incomplete without each other.

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Final Thoughts

Obsession may feel passionate, but lasting love is built on trust, respect, freedom, and emotional safety.

If your relationship is driven more by fear than peace, it may be time to step back and evaluate whether what you’re experiencing is love—or an unhealthy attachment.

Learning the difference is one of the most important steps toward building relationships that truly support your well-being.

References

• American Psychological Association. Healthy relationships and communication.
• National Institute of Mental Health. Anxiety disorders overview.
• Attachment theory research and relationship attachment styles.

After a breach of trust, Examples of romantic betrayals include infidelity, dishonesty, and lack of emotional support.

The chances of a relationship surviving betrayal depend on the perpetrator’s perspective.

Betrayal can cause relational damage as well as reputational damage.

Source: Sunrise / Pixabay

There is nothing so special, even magical, as the warm glow of new romance. The period of time when partners are getting to know more about each other every day. As time goes by and trust is solidified, both parties become increasingly invested in the relationship, envisioning a bright future together. Many couples experience exactly that over the course of a lifetime, from walking down the aisle to walking into the sunset decades later. Other couples, however, are not that lucky. Somewhere along the line, one or both spouses break their vows.

The most commonly cited form of romantic betrayal is infidelity, which may be physical or emotional, an intentional strategic act or an impulsive decision made under the influence of an intoxicant. The ability to recover from the event, however, often depends on the perspective of the perpetrator. Research explains.

Harnessing the Reasons for Heartbreak

Romantic betrayal is experienced every day by partners around the globe from every demographic background. While many studies have focused on the betrayed “innocent” partner, recent research has focused on the betrayer, seeking to understand how betrayer motivation predicts relational dissolution or restoration.

F. Lalot et al. (2026) studied the reasons for betrayal in a piece entitled “The Things We Do to Each Other.”[i] They defined betrayal as “a voluntary violation of mutually known pivotal expectations of the trustor by the trusted party (trustee), which has the potential to threaten the well-being of the trustor.” They collected and analyzed more than 1100 betrayal narratives from the point of view of the relationship betrayer from university students and community participants across five countries and three languages: France, Germany, Switzerland, the United States, and the United Kingdom. In each case, Lalot et al. examined the type of betrayal, the type of relationship, and the response of the person who was betrayed, as well as the causes of disloyalty explained by the betrayer. They found a variety of different types of betrayal occurring within a range of relationships, and results including everything from forgiveness to relational dissolution to revenge.

Why Partners Stray

Lalot et al. noted several traditional examples of romantic betrayals, including infidelity, dishonesty, betraying confidences, excessive criticism, lack of emotional support, and ignoring one’s partner. They note that more recent research confirms that romantic infidelity remains the most frequently cited example of betrayal, although other reported experiences include revealing secrets, lying, manipulative behavior, gossiping, failing to assist during a time of need, and unexpectedly cutting ties.

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Lalot et al. acknowledge that betrayers may incorporate a cost-benefit approach to considering betrayal, weighing what they stand to gain against potential loss. They note that costs to the perpetrator can include relational damages as well as reputational damage if others learn about the betrayal, as well as damage to the betrayer’s personal self-image and self-esteem due to the need to integrate negative behavior into personal self-concept.

Taking Responsibility Prompts Relational Repair

Regarding motivation and blame, Lalot et al. found that betrayers predominantly explained their betrayal as stemming from internal factors as opposed to blaming the innocent party or the relational dynamics. They also found that when betrayers reported strong internal attributions for betrayal, the person betrayed was more likely to have forgiven the transgression and less likely to have taken revenge. They note that this result is consistent with the notion that perpetrators who take responsibility for their actions earn more forgiveness, whereas revenge is used to send a message designed to force the betrayer to face the consequences of their betrayal, which is unnecessary if they have already taken responsibility.

As a practical matter, however, although post-betrayal confession and remorse contribute to relational repair and resilience, motive matters. A premeditated, strategic approach to securing private time with an attractive co-worker may be more emotionally devastating than a drunken one-night stand with a stranger. But both examples include additional relational hurdles, from a habit of overindulgence to poor impulse control to a compromised conscience. Nonetheless, when couples are willing to move forward, help is available to address both the betrayal and the underlying causes, to repair relational comfort and trust.

References

[i] Lalot, F., A.-M. Bertram, J. Schuck, L. Maritz, and A. Bardeau. 2026. “The Things We Do to Each Other: A Study of Betrayal Narratives From the Betrayer’s Perspective.” Personal Relationships 33, no. 2: e70065. is a path forward.

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