In the bustling world of software development, where lines of code often resemble intricate asanas of a digital dance, it’s easy to forget the ancient wisdom encapsulated in the Yoga Sutras. The Yoga Sutras offer a sequence of instructions, a roadmap to inner peace and enlightenment. , we’ll unravel the secrets of these timeless sutras, exploring how they can balance the hectic world of modern technology, helping us debug our minds and find tranquility amid the digital chaos. Let’s dive into this fusion of ancient wisdom and contemporary challenges.

What are Yoga Sutras?

The Yoga Sutras, often called the Sutras, are a foundational text in yoga and spiritual philosophy. At its essence, the Yoga Sutras is a collection of 196 short, concise aphorisms written by the sage Patanjali, providing a systematic and philosophical framework for understanding the practice of yoga. These sutras serve as a profound guide that explores the nature of human consciousness, the mind, and the path to spiritual enlightenment. The Sutras are divided into four chapters, each addressing a different aspect of yoga, including ethical principles (Yamas and Niyamas), physical postures (Asanas), breath control (Pranayama), and meditation (Dhyana). While concise in form, the Yoga Sutras contain profound insights into the inner workings of the human psyche and offer a roadmap for individuals seeking not only physical well-being but also mental clarity, inner peace, and a deeper connection to their true selves.

Origins of the Yoga Sutras

The origins of the Yoga Sutras can be traced back to ancient India, where they emerged as a foundational text for the philosophy and practice of yoga. Understanding their origins requires delving into the historical and cultural context of the time.

Ancient India’s Spiritual Landscape:

The Yoga Sutras are believed to have been composed over 2,000 years ago when ancient India was a fertile ground for spiritual and philosophical exploration. This era, known as the Classical period of Indian philosophy, gave rise to various schools of thought, each seeking to understand the nature of existence, consciousness, and the path to spiritual realization.

The Role of Patanjali:

The authorship of the Yoga Sutras is attributed to a sage named Patanjali. However, very little is known about the life of Patanjali, and he remains somewhat of an enigmatic figure. Some scholars suggest that Patanjali might have been a compiler or a systematizer rather than the original creator of the teachings. His work is often regarded as a synthesis of existing yogic knowledge and practices in his time.

The Yogic Tradition

Before the Yoga Sutras, yoga was primarily an oral tradition, with teachings passed down from teacher to student. Patanjali’s contribution was to codify these teachings into a systematic and concise framework, making them more accessible and organized. The term “sutra” itself means a brief, aphoristic statement reflecting the brevity and precision of his work.

Incorporation of Diverse Ideas:

The Yoga Sutras draw from various philosophical and spiritual traditions of ancient India. They incorporate elements of Samkhya philosophy, which explores the dualistic nature of reality, and aspects of meditation and contemplative practices from other traditions. This amalgamation of ideas reflects the inclusivity of ancient Indian thought.

The Quest for Liberation:

At its core, the Yoga Sutras aim to provide a systematic guide for individuals seeking spiritual realization and liberation (moksha) from the cycle of birth and death (samsara). Patanjali outlines a path that involves ethical principles, physical and mental practices, meditation, and ultimately, a state of profound inner peace and self-realization.

Transmission and Influence:

Over the centuries, the Yoga Sutras have been transmitted through a lineage of teachers and practitioners. They have significantly influenced not only the practice of yoga but also the broader field of Indian philosophy and spirituality. The Sutras have become a cornerstone text for various yoga schools, including Hatha Yoga, Raja Yoga, and Jnana Yoga.

Yoga Sutras in Modern Life

The relevance of the Yoga Sutras in modern life is undeniable, as they offer timeless wisdom and practical guidance to help individuals navigate the challenges of today’s fast-paced and often stressful world. Here are several ways in which the teachings of the Yoga Sutras can be applied to contemporary life:

Stress Reduction and Mindfulness:

In our modern lives, stress is a pervasive issue. Mindfulness, as advocated in the Sutras, can be a powerful tool for managing stress. Through techniques like meditation and conscious breathing (Pranayama), individuals can develop greater awareness of their thoughts and emotions, leading to reduced stress levels and improved mental well-being.

Ethical Living:

The Yamas and Niyamas, the ethical principles outlined in the Sutras, provide a moral compass for modern life. Concepts like non-violence (Ahimsa), truthfulness (Satya), and contentment (Santosha) can guide individuals in making ethical choices in their personal and professional lives, fostering better relationships and a more harmonious society.

Physical Health and Well-being:

The physical postures (Asanas) described in the Sutras are now a central component of modern yoga practice. Regular practice of yoga not only promotes physical health, flexibility, and strength and helps alleviate common issues like back pain, poor posture, and the adverse effects of sedentary lifestyles.

Mental Resilience:

The Sutras emphasize the importance of mental discipline and control over the fluctuations of the mind (Chitta Vritti Nirodha). In today’s information-saturated world, these teachings can help individuals develop mental resilience, focus, and clarity, which are essential for success in various fields, including remote work in software development.

Self-Realization and Fulfillment:

Ultimately, the Yoga Sutras offer a profound path to self-realization and inner fulfillment. In a world where material success often overshadows inner contentment, the Sutras encourage individuals to look within, exploring their true nature and purpose in life.

Conflict Resolution:

The Sutras provide insights into dealing with conflicts and challenges constructively. By cultivating qualities like patience (Dharana) and self-study (Svadhyaya), individuals can develop better conflict resolution skills, promoting healthier interactions in both personal and professional settings.

Adaptation to Remote Work:

Given the rise of remote work, the Sutras can also help individuals adapt to this mode of employment. The discipline, self-motivation, and time management skills advocated by Patanjali can be particularly valuable for remote software developers striving for productivity and work-life balance.

Benefits of Embracing the Sutras

Embracing the teachings of the Yoga Sutras can bring many benefits to one’s life, spanning physical, mental, and spiritual dimensions. Here are some of the compelling advantages of incorporating the Sutras into one’s journey:

1. Mental Clarity and Focus:

By practicing the principles of the Sutras, individuals can gain greater control over their minds, reducing mental clutter and distractions. This enhanced mental clarity and focus can lead to increased productivity and efficiency in both personal and professional pursuits.

2. Stress Reduction:

The Sutras provide practical tools, including meditation and mindfulness techniques, to manage stress effectively. Regular practice can reduce anxiety, promote relaxation, and improve overall mental well-being, enabling individuals to handle life’s challenges more easily.

3. Enhanced Emotional Well-being:

Embracing the Sutras encourages self-awareness and emotional regulation. This can lead to a more balanced emotional state, improved relationships, and a greater capacity for empathy and compassion.

4. Physical Health and Flexibility:

The physical postures (Asanas) outlined in the Sutras promote physical health, flexibility, and strength. Regular yoga can alleviate common issues such as back pain, improve posture, and enhance overall well-being.

5. Ethical Living:

The ethical principles (Yamas and Niyamas) of the Sutras guide individuals toward a more conscious and ethical way of living. Embracing these principles fosters integrity, kindness, and respect in personal and professional interactions.

6. Self-Realization and Inner Peace:

The ultimate goal of the Sutras is self-realization and inner peace. Embracing these teachings can lead to a deeper understanding of one’s true nature, a sense of purpose, and profound inner tranquility.

7. Improved Relationships:

By cultivating qualities such as patience, compassion, and forgiveness, individuals can enhance their relationships with others. This can lead to more harmonious and fulfilling connections with family, friends, and colleagues.

8. Conflict Resolution:

The Sutras offer insights into resolving conflicts constructively. Embracing these teachings equips individuals with tools for effective communication and conflict resolution, reducing interpersonal tensions.

9. Adaptation to Modern Life:

In today’s fast-paced world, the Sutras provide a framework for adapting to the challenges of modern life. Whether in a remote software development career or any other field, the discipline, adaptability, and stress management skills derived from the Sutras can be highly beneficial.

10. Spiritual Growth:

For those on a spiritual path, embracing the Sutras offers a structured approach to spiritual growth and self-discovery. The Sutras provide a roadmap for progressing from a state of restlessness and ignorance to one of profound inner realization.

References:

• Bryant, Edwin F. (2009), The Yoga Sūtras of Patañjali: A New Edition, Translation and Commentary, New York: North Poinnt Press, ISBN 978-0865477360
• Crangle, Eddie (1984), “A Comparison of Hindu and Buddhist Techniques of Attaining Samādhi” (PDF), in Hutch, R. A.; Fenner, P. G. (eds.), Under The Shade of the Coolibah Tree: Australian Studies in Consciousness, University Press of America
• Crangle, Edward Fitzpatrick (1994), The Origin and Development of Early Indian Contemplative Practices, Otto Harrassowitz Verlag
• Müeller, Max (1899). Six Systems of Indian Philosophy; Samkhya and Yoga, Naya and Vaiseshika. Calcutta: Susil Gupta (India) Ltd. ISBN 978-0-7661-4296-1. Reprint edition; Originally published under the title of The Six Systems of Indian Philosophy.
• Ranganathan, Shyam (2008). Patañjali’s Yoga Sūtra: Translation, Commentary and Introduction. Delhi: Penguin Black Classics. ISBN 978-0-14-310219-9.
• White, David Gordon (2014). The Yoga Sutra of Patanjali: A Biography. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press. ISBN 978-0-691-14377-4.
• Woodyard C. Exploring the therapeutic effects of yoga and its ability to increase quality of life. Int J Yoga. 2011 Jul;4(2):49-54. doi: 10.4103/0973-6131.85485. PMID: 22022122; PMCID: PMC3193654.
• Vaibhav Tripathi, Pallavi Bharadwaj, Neuroscience of the yogic theory of consciousness, Neuroscience of Consciousness, Volume 2021, Issue 2, 2021, niab030

KEY POINTS:

• When ending a relationship with someone who has a demonstrated need for revenge, be prepared for them to turn on you.
• Due to the nonphysical nature of smear campaigns, most protection orders cannot offer much protection.
• Disengaging and choosing what to defend against will decrease the likelihood of things escalating with a vengeful ex.

Nothing can fully prepare you for the chaos of someone who is out for revenge, but these 5 steps can help ground you

• John, 35, ended a relationship after a couple of years of “trying to make it work.” His ex went on a rampage, telling the world he cheated, reporting him to his bar association for false allegations, driving by his house at all hours of the day, and using his information to max out his credit cards–all in an attempt to seek revenge for how she felt she had been wronged. The police refused to take a report about the female perpetrator because “this is normal breakup stuff.”
• Molly, 41, went no-contact with her mother after years of therapy. Her mother told the family egregious lies about her in an attempt to alienate and isolate her. The more Molly tried to defend herself, the more the family victim-blamed by saying they did not want to get involved in “drama between you two.”

Few know the cruelty and chaos that comes with ending a relationship with someone who is out for revenge, whether it be platonic, romantic, or familial. Those who have been through this experience understand all too well that this will be one of the most stressful times in your life. Knowing how to react will be the glue that keeps you together.

Following the steps below will not stop their behaviors, but they will provide the grounding necessary to help you survive the experience with your dignity and sanity intact:

1. Do. Not. Engage

This is essential. After hearing a constant stream of lies coming from the mouth of someone who once claimed to care for you, you may feel humiliated, exhausted, and even furious. As much as you are tempted to contact them to beg them to stop, fight back, or argue with them, you must not engage.

They are looking for a reaction and will inevitably use anything and everything you say, write, or post against you in their attempt to “prove” whatever they have claimed about you. Stay silent. If you feel you must react, write it down, and have a trusted friend available to call—or just speak it out loud to yourself when you are alone.

2. Pick Your Battles

Do not attempt to rebuke every allegation and lie. Decide what is worth your time and focus, and let the rest go. They are claiming you cheated on them? This will be impossible to disprove, so leave it alone. They called your employer or licensing board to make false allegations? This is likely worth your time and effort as it could affect your livelihood.

Even while defending yourself, keep the focus on disputing the untruths and not on the person doing the damage. Trying to prove your case by speaking ill of this person can have the unfortunate effect of making you also look vindictive. So, as difficult as it may be, keep the focus on the behaviors: “Yes, we ended the relationship recently, and they are quite angry. I assure you these complaints are false. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me.”

Along these lines, I also recommend not referring to this person openly as a narcissist when communicating with third parties, such as employers or law enforcement, as this will reflect more poorly on you. Your best course of action is to avoid labels and let their actions speak for themselves. Eventually, others will see the patterns.

3. Know Your Truth

This one is important because there will be times when you will doubt yourself. It is inevitable that someone who has narcissistic traits will claim the victim role, so be prepared to hear through others about all of the ways you have harmed them, even if you know that these are exaggerated, embellished, or flat-out lies.

As they are unaware of their own projections, they will undoubtedly tell everyone that you are doing exactly what they did to you; they will believe this to be true despite all logic pointing otherwise. Therefore, if they are out for revenge on you, they may claim you are out to destroy them. If they are stalking you, they may claim you are stalking them.

Even more dangerous is the tendency of abusive people who have actual traits of narcissism to assign this diagnosis to their ex-partner, making themselves look like the victim. This is crucial for survivors to understand, as outsiders looking in often do not know who to believe.

4. Continue to Conduct Yourself Professionally at All Times

It is challenging not to react or to fight back, but it’s essential to conduct yourself professionally. Treat this person as you would a disgruntled customer or client: calm and firm, no emotional reaction.

I have developed a set of strategies that I share with my clients when they have to engage with a person who may be out to get them. I call it the “N.E.B. technique”: N for necessary, E for emotionless, and B for brief.

1. Ask yourself, “Is this communication or reply necessary?” A nasty text about how ugly you are? Ignore it. A text about childcare? This may warrant a reply.
2. Next, construct an emotionless reply. Imagine you are sending your message to the CEO of a major company—professional and concise with no emotion.
3. Lastly, make the reply brief. One or two sentences will usually suffice. I also recommend waiting about four hours before replying unless childcare or court orders state otherwise. This will allow you to reflect on your emotions and construct a professional and emotionless reply.

5. Decrease the Common Links

Unfortunately, Friday night D&D is no longer a good idea. Mutual friends may have to go, lest they become flying monkeys or informants to further inflict harm. If friends do not want to “choose sides,” make a choice for them. This is not a normal ending of a relationship, and keeping mutual friends can actually be dangerous.

Do not try to convince people that this person is abusive; simply wish them the best and move on. Ideally, they will eventually see what is going on. If not, they were not a true friend to begin with.

In her work with survivors of narcissistic abuse, Melanie Tonia Evans writes:

When we are triggered by the fear of what the narcissist may do, we react and try to expose the narcissist and frantically appeal to others to help us. Yet, people don’t want to get involved. They shut doors in our face, don’t listen, don’t care, switch off, and even turn against us.

And, you are shocked to see how the narcissist twists it all by making you out to be the wrong and crazy one. This can lead you to lose credibility, court settlements, and even your children.

Do not attempt to expose them or “prove” what they are doing to you. Focus on keeping yourself and your loved ones safe, happy, and healthy. Everything else will be exposed eventually.

References:

Evans, Melanie T. “How to Expose a Narcissist Without Looking like the Crazy One”. 9/2018. Accessed 1/17/2022.

Kaytee Gillis, LCSW-BACS

Invisible Bruises

the article was originally published in psychologytoday

Gossip is an unconstrained and often derogatory conversation about other people and can involve betraying confidence and spreading sensitive information or hurtful judgments.

Research shows that people who gossip the most have very high levels of anxiety. They are generally not particularly popular because they cannot be trusted. Spreading private information or negative judgments is painful to others and reflects poorly on the gossiper.

Why Do People Gossip?

• To feel superior

People who don’t feel good about themselves temporarily feel better when they judge others negatively.

• Out of boredom

When people can’t generate interesting discussions based on knowledge or ideas, gossip can arouse people’s interest.

• Out of envy

People gossip in order to hurt those whose popularity, talents, or lifestyle they envy.

• To feel like part of the group

People gossip to feel as though they belong to the group. Yet, when acceptance is based on being “in on a secret,” it is not based on a person’s identity, but on exclusion or maliciousness.

• For attention

A person gets to be the center of attention temporarily while divulging a piece of gossip. Yet, spreading gossip or rumors is like buying attention; it’s temporary and has little foundation.

• Out of anger or unhappiness

A person can derive a sense of retribution with disparaging remarks.

Is It Always Wrong to Talk About Others?

Most people have a natural curiosity about what’s going on among people in the community. Some of the best books are biographies that tell the life stories of other people. However, the best biographies give the reader an understanding of the nuance and complexity of the person’s character through facts. They are not based on one-sided, offensive judgments of the person.

The key is to look at one’s intent in discussing other people and relationships.

Is the intent to understand human nature and improve one’s quality of life and relationships?

Or: Is the intent to temporarily feel superior or get attention by disparaging others?

Responses to Unwelcome Gossip:

Let’s suppose that somebody is gossiping mercilessly about Jane. It’s important not to feed the gossiper with curiosity, agreement and further questions. It’s best to simply change the subject. Here are some other possible responses:

“I notice that you talk about Jane a lot. I’m curious why she interests you so much?”

“Let’s take a look at it from Jane’s side.”

“I am more interested in what you are up to.”

“Let’s talk about something more positive or decide what we’re going to do this afternoon.”

“I feel uncomfortable listening to negative judgments about people unless we figure out how to help them.”

Conclusion

Gossiping shows others the gossiper’s insecurity and meanspiritedness. It also leaves everyone involved feeling as though they’ve just eaten a bad apple. Ultimately, insight into the intricacies of human relations and behavior is more interesting, uplifting, and enlightening than one-dimensional judgments and rumors.

Dr. Poulsen is on Medium

What are they ??

Ghosting, simmering, and icing are colloquial terms that describe the practice of suddenly ending all communication, avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation, and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate.

“When a person is ghosted, even if they try to reach out to the other person to either reconnect or receive closure, they are typically met with silence.”

Source: Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B. Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph1

 As you can see, it’s called ghosting because it involves someone essentially “vanishing” into thin air as if they were a ghost.

The term “ghosting” typically refers to a romantic relationship where contact unexpectedly ceases, but it can also apply to friendships and family relationships.

Signs of Ghosting

Ghosting is often apparent, but it can also be a gradual process. The other person might start by ‘soft ghosting,’ where they progressively minimize contact over some time. Some early signs that someone might be ghosting you include:

• “They frequently cancel plans to hang out, have a hard time committing, avoid sharing personal details, don’t want you to meet their loved ones, disappear from social media, seldom reply to your texts or calls, and their conversations lack depth, making them seem uninterested.”

Ghosting is a trait that can also happen on social media platforms. It refers to the act of cutting off all social media contact with another person without offering an explanation. This may involve unfriending, unfollowing, or even blocking the person on all social media platforms. In some instances, the person may even go as far as deactivating or deleting their social media accounts to prevent any form of contact

Though a new term, ghosting existed well before the digital age. “I think references of ‘going for a loaf of bread and never coming back’ are examples of ghosting,” says Bree Jenkins, LMFT, a dating coach in Los Angeles, Calif. “Ghosting used to be leaving a person and moving away or not leaving [them with] your contact information—its earlier origins are even the simple act of leaving a party or social gathering without notice and goodbyes.”

Why Do Some People Choose to Ghost?

Ghosting is often viewed as an immature or passive-aggressive way to end a relationship, and in some cases, it may even constitute emotional abuse.

There are two primary reasons why a person ghosts another, and often it’s a combination of the two.

It’s the Easy Route

The first reason why some people choose to ghost others is that they find it easier to avoid uncomfortable conversations about ending the relationship.

The person doing the ghosting often wants to avoid confrontation or dealing with someone else’s hurt feelings, so they simply cease all communication and hope the hint is delivered.

Option Overload and Fatigue

“Margaret Seide, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist based in New York City, explains that with internet dating, there are seemingly infinite choices as opposed to walking into a bar with limited options. Due to the large number of choices, online daters tend to quickly move on to the next potential match with an “OK, next” or “Yeah, but what else?” mindset. Although the person they are interacting with may be nice, they may not make the cut due to the fact that they are juggling multiple other people.

There are various reasons why people ghost, including fear of the other person’s reaction to rejection.

Feeling burned out can leave you drained, unmotivated, and overwhelmed — even when you’re doing your best to keep up. Many people experience burnout when daily demands exceed available energy for too long without enough rest or balance.

The good news is that resetting your energy doesn’t require drastic changes. Small, intentional self-help practices can restore balance, improve focus, and support everyday wellness over time.

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What Does Burnout Feel Like?

Burnout often shows up as:

• Persistent low energy
• Difficulty focusing
• Emotional exhaustion
• Feeling overwhelmed by simple tasks

Rather than a personal failure, burnout is often a signal to slow down and adjust routines in supportive ways.

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1. Slow Down to Reset Your Energy

One of the fastest ways to reset your energy is to pause intentionally. Brief moments of stillness help calm the nervous system and restore clarity.

Simple reset practices:

• Take 3–5 slow breaths before starting a task
• Pause for one minute between activities
• Sit quietly without screens for a few moments

Research shows that mindfulness-based pauses can reduce stress and support emotional balance .

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2. Use Gentle Movement to Reduce Fatigue

Movement doesn’t need to be intense to improve energy. Gentle activities such as walking, stretching, or yoga can reduce tension and improve circulation.

Benefits of gentle movement include:

• Improved mood
• Reduced physical stiffness
• Increased mental clarity

Even short walks or light stretching can help relieve burnout-related fatigue.

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3. Support Energy with Better Sleep Habits

Sleep plays a significant role in restoring energy levels. Creating a consistent bedtime routine helps regulate your body’s natural rhythms.

Energy-supporting sleep habits:

• Go to bed and wake up at the same time
• Reduce screen use before bedtime
• Create a calming nighttime ritual

Healthy sleep routines support daily energy and emotional resilience .

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4. Fuel Your Body for Steady Energy

Low energy is often linked to inconsistent nourishment. Eating balanced meals and staying hydrated can stabilize energy throughout the day.

Simple nutrition tips:

• Drink water regularly
• Choose whole foods when possible
• Include protein and fiber to avoid energy crashes

Balanced nutrition supports both physical and emotional well-being .

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5. Reduce Overwhelm with Boundaries and Routine

Burnout often comes from doing too much without enough structure or rest. Creating gentle boundaries protects your time and energy.

Examples include:

• Limiting after-hours work notifications
• Scheduling short breaks during the day
• Simplifying your daily task list

Research shows that routines and boundaries can reduce overwhelm and support sustainable energy levels .

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6. Reconnect with Joyful Activities

Burnout narrows focus to responsibilities only. Reintroducing small moments of joy helps restore emotional energy.

Joy-supporting activities include:

• Listening to music
• Spending time outdoors
• Creative hobbies
• Connecting with loved ones

Engaging in enjoyable activities improves overall well-being and motivation .

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7. Reflect and Adjust Gently

Burnout is often a sign that something needs adjustment. Reflection helps you notice what drains your energy — and what restores it.

Reflection questions:

What is one small change I can make this week?

What activities energize me most?

What drains my energy consistently?

Feeling burned out often means your energy has been stretched too thin for too long. Small changes like rest, routine, gentle movement, and boundaries can help reset energy and restore balance.

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Conclusion

Feeling burned out doesn’t mean something is wrong with you — it often means something in your routine needs support. By slowing down, nourishing your body, and creating gentle boundaries, you can begin restoring energy in a sustainable way.

Small steps taken consistently can make a meaningful difference.

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Disclaimer

Fitness Hacks For Life provides self-help and educational content for wellness and personal growth. This content is not intended to diagnose, treat, or replace professional medical or mental health care.

This time of the year brings a lot of changes to the usual day-to-day life of hundreds of millions of people: The weather is colder, trees are naked, snowy days become plentiful and friendly critters are less visible around the neighborhood. Especially in the Western Hemisphere, this time of the year is also linked to a lot of joyous celebrations and traditions. Most children and many adults have been excited for this time of the year to come for months, and they love the aura of celebrations, with their gatherings, gifts, cookies, emails and cards.

Alas, there are also millions who have to deal with darker emotions as the world literally darkens around them.

The holiday blues – that feeling of being in a lower or more anxious mood amid the significant change in our environment and the multitude of stressors that the holidays can bring – is a phenomenon that is yet to be thoroughly researched. However, as academic psychiatrists and neuroscience researchers, we have seen how several factors contribute to this experience.

Why feel blue in the red and green season?

There are many reasons to feel stressed or even downright overwhelmed during this time of year, in addition to the expectations set around us.

Memories of holidays past, either fond or sad, can create a sense of loss this time of year. We may find ourselves missing people who are no longer with us, and carrying on the same traditions without them can be a strong reminder of their absence.

The sense of burden or obligation, both socially or financially, can be significant. We can get caught up in the commercial aspects of gift giving, wanting to find that perfect item for family and friends. Many set their sights on special gifts, and we often can feel stretched thin trying to find a balance between making our loved ones happy and keeping our bank accounts from being in the black.

It’s also a time for gathering with those close to us, which can stir up many emotions, both good and bad. Some may find themselves away from or without close connections and end up isolated and withdrawn, further disconnected from others. On the other hand, many people find themselves feeling overwhelmed by the combination of potlucks and Secret Santas stacking up through multiple invitations, be it at school, work, or from friends and family – leaving us with the difficult position of not wanting to disappoint others, while not getting totally depleted by all the constant socializing.

Great expectations

People often feel disappointed when reality does not meet expectations. The larger the mismatch, the worse the negative feelings. One of us (Arash) often finds himself telling his patients: Childhood fairy tales can set an unrealistic bar in our minds about life. I wish we were told more real stories, taking the bad with the good, as we would get hurt less when faced with difficult realities of life, and learn how to especially appreciate our good fortunes.

These days viewers are showered with Christmas and New Year’s Eve movies, almost all of which sound and feel like fairy tales. People get married, get rich, fall in love or reconnect with their loved ones. Even unhappy events within “A Christmas Carol” conclude with a happy ending. These all, besides exposure to only happy moments and beautiful gifts (courtesy of Santa), dazzling Christmas decorations, and picturesque family scenes on social media, often set an unrealistic expectation for how this time of the year “should” feel.

Reality is different, though, and at its best is not always as colorful. There may be disagreements about hows, wheres, whats and whos of the celebration, and not all family members, friends and relatives get along well at parties. And as we feel lonelier, we may find ourselves spending more time immersed in TV and social media, leading to more exposure to unrealistic views of the holidays and feeling all the worse about our situation.

When is blue a red flag?

While many experience the more transient “holiday blues” this time of year, it is important not to miss more serious conditions like seasonal mood changes, which in its most severe case leads to clinical depression, including Seasonal Affective Disorder. SAD consists of episodes of depression or a worsening of existing depression during the late fall and early winter. The person may feel depressed and hopeless, or they may find it difficult to focus, sleep, or be motivated – they can even feel suicidal. As our emotions can color our thoughts and memories, a depressed person may remember more negative memories, have a more negative perception and interpretation of the events, and feel upset about the holidays.

In such cases, the sadness is “coincident” with the holidays and not caused solely by its circumstances. It is important to seek professional help with SAD, as we have effective treatments available, such as medications and light therapy.

What to do to minimize the blues?

• Set realistic expectations: One readily available strategy is simply reframing the beliefs we have about what the holidays “should” be like. Not all parties will go perfectly. Some decorations may break, or kids may wake up grumpy or not be exhilarated by their gifts – but it doesn’t have to stop us from enjoying all the good moments.
• Set firm boundaries: Too many invitations to social events? Too many financial demands? Set clear limits about what you are able and willing to do, whether that means declining some social events and setting your own limit on spending this year, focusing more on meaningful experiences over expense. This can be spending time with loved ones or getting creative with homemade gifts.
• Feeling alone? There are many ways to steer clear of isolating this time of year. Reaching out to friends, volunteering at animal shelters, local charities or attending community meetups or religious events can be a great way to stay connected while also bringing happiness to ourselves and others.
• Making new memories: Starting a new tradition, either solo or with loved ones, can help create fond new memories of the holidays, no longer overshadowed by the past.
• Take care of yourself: It’s important to remember the value of self-care, including eating and drinking in moderation (as alcohol can worsen a depressed mood), exercising (even a short walk), and treating yourself this holiday season by doing something you enjoy.

While the holiday blues are most often temporary, it’s important to identify when things have crossed over into clinical depression, which is more severe and longer lasting. It also impairs daily functioning. For these symptoms it is often helpful and necessary to seek professional help. This can consist of counseling or use of medications, or both, to help treat symptoms.

Linda Saab, M.D. is a psychiatrist and Assistant Professor at Wayne State University Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences. She completed her psychiatry residency at the University of Michigan. As a clinical educator, she is especially interested in training resident physicians. In her clinical work, she uses pharmacotherapy, psychotherapy, and promoting healthy lifestyle habits. She treats all mental illness, with a special interest in anxiety and trauma related disorders.

Arash Javanbakht, M.D., is the director of the Stress, Trauma, and Anxiety Research Clinic (STARC; https://www.starclab.org) at Wayne State University. Dr Javanbakht and his work have been featured on the National Geographic, The Atlantic, CNN, Aljazeera, NPR, Washington Post, Smithsonian, PBS, American Psychiatric Association, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and tens of other media.

In today’s age of self-help and personal growth, therapy speaks become ubiquitous in our daily conversations. From “setting boundaries” to “self-care,” these buzzwords have permeated our language and culture. While the intention behind using these terms is to promote mental well-being and improve our relationships, some experts argue that therapy speak is doing more harm than good. They suggest that the excessive focus on individualism and self-improvement has made us self-centered and oblivious to the needs of others. In this article, we explore the question: is therapy speaking making us selfish?

Adverse effects of being selfish

Focusing too much on oneself can lead to self-centered behavior that can negatively affect an individual’s relationships and overall well-being. Here are eight ways that people can become selfish after focusing too much on themselves:

Lack of empathy

When individuals are too focused on their own needs and desires, they may struggle to empathize with others and understand their perspectives.

Disregard for others’ needs

People who are too self-focused may prioritize their own needs over those of others, leading to a lack of consideration for others’ feelings and desires.

Difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships

Self-centered behavior can lead to a lack of interest in forming and maintaining meaningful relationships with others, as people may struggle to see beyond their own needs.

Narcissistic tendencies

Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to developing narcissistic tendencies, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of concern for others.

Lack of accountability

Self-centered individuals may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, instead shifting blame onto others or refusing to acknowledge their role in adverse situations.

Inability to compromise

When individuals are too focused on their needs, they may struggle to compromise or consider others’ perspectives, leading to conflict in relationships and a lack of cooperation.

Entitlement

Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to a sense of entitlement, where individuals feel that they deserve special treatment or privileges without regard for the needs and desires of others.

Lack of gratitude

Self-centered individuals may struggle to appreciate the efforts and contributions of others, leading to a lack of gratitude and appreciation for the support they receive.

5 Reasons why focusing too much on yourself can leave you self-centered

Focusing too much on oneself can lead to self-centered behavior that can negatively affect an individual’s relationships and overall well-being. Here are five reasons why focusing too much on yourself can make you selfish:

Lack of empathy

When individuals are too focused on their needs and desires, they may struggle to empathize with others and understand their perspectives. This can make it difficult for them to connect with others and build meaningful relationships.

Inability to compromise

When individuals are too focused on their needs, they may struggle to compromise or consider others’ perspectives. This can lead to conflict in relationships and a lack of cooperation.

Entitlement

Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to a sense of entitlement, where individuals feel that they deserve special treatment or privileges without regard for the needs and desires of others. This can lead to selfish behavior and a lack of consideration for others.

Lack of accountability

Self-centered individuals may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, instead shifting blame onto others or refusing to acknowledge their role in adverse situations. This can lead to a lack of personal growth and self-improvement.

Disregard for others’ needs

People who are too self-focused may prioritize their needs over those of others, leading to a lack of consideration for others’ feelings and desires. This can damage relationships and contribute to a sense of isolation and loneliness.

Does therapy improve selfishness or make it worse?

There is no straightforward answer to this question, as the effects of therapy on selfishness can vary widely depending on the individual and the type of therapy they receive. Generally speaking, treatment is designed to help individuals improve their emotional and psychological well-being by addressing underlying issues that may contribute to selfish behavior or attitudes. Through therapy, individuals can gain insight into their thinking and behavior patterns, develop coping skills, and learn to communicate more effectively with others.

Therapy can promote self-reflection and increase awareness of one’s impact on others, which can help individuals become more empathetic and considerate. However, some individuals may resist this process or use therapy as a way to justify or reinforce their self-centered behavior. In some cases, therapy can even be used as a means to manipulate or control others.

Ultimately, the effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness depends on a range of factors, including the individual’s willingness to engage in the therapeutic process, the quality of the therapeutic relationship, and the compatibility of the therapeutic approach with the individual’s needs and personality. The effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness depends on several factors, including:

Willingness to engage in therapy

The individual’s level of motivation and commitment to the therapeutic process is crucial to the success of therapy. Treatment may be ineffective without a willingness to actively engage in therapy and work towards change.

Quality of the therapeutic relationship

A robust therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the individual is essential for effective therapy. A positive and supportive relationship can promote trust, openness, and collaboration, facilitating change.

Compatibility of therapeutic approach

Different therapeutic approaches may be more effective for addressing specific types of selfish behavior or attitudes. Individuals must work with a therapist who utilizes an approach that aligns with their needs and personality.

The severity of the issue

The severity of the individual’s selfish behavior or attitude can impact the effectiveness of therapy. In some cases, more intensive or long-term treatment may be necessary to achieve significant change.

Support network

The individual’s support network, including family, friends, and other social support systems, can be essential to therapy success. Support from others can provide encouragement and reinforcement for positive changes made in therapy.

Co-occurring mental health issues

Co-occurring mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, can impact the effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness. It may be necessary to address these issues in treatment to fully address the individual’s selfish behavior or attitudes.

If you have a narcissist in your life whom you cannot completely cut off, choosing the right strategy to protect yourself is essential. No contact and gray rock are two of the most effective techniques for managing interactions with a narcissist, but which one is best for you? Let’s explore both approaches so you can make the right decision for your situation.

What is No Contact?

No contact means exactly that—absolutely no communication or interaction with the narcissist. Imagine a brick wall between you and them, where you neither know nor care about what happens on the other side. While the “not caring” part doesn’t happen overnight, it will come in time as you heal and break free from the trauma bond.

No contact goes beyond avoiding phone calls or in-person interactions. It also means:

• Blocking their number and social media accounts
• Avoiding places where you might run into them
• Not checking their social media or that of their new target
• Not asking friends or family for updates about them

Many survivors mistakenly believe they’re following no contact while still keeping tabs on their abuser through indirect means. However, each time you check their social media or ask about them, you are inviting them back into your mind. This is emotional contact, which keeps the trauma bond alive and prevents healing.

When Should You Go No Contact?

If you do not share children, work together, or have unavoidable family ties, no contact is the best choice. This means proactively blocking all access the narcissist has to you—both physically and mentally. Keeping a door open for them, even subconsciously, only allows them to maintain control over your emotions.

Victims often hesitate to block their abuser because they secretly hope for some form of contact. They may think they’ll feel empowered rejecting them or finally telling them off. However, this fleeting sense of power is deceptive. It only reactivates the trauma bond, pulling them back into the cycle of abuse.

Think of breaking no contact like a former smoker having “just one cigarette.” That single moment of weakness reactivates the addiction, making relapse inevitable. The same applies to narcissistic abuse—keeping the door open allows them to drag you back into the toxic cycle.

What is Gray Rock?

Gray rock is a strategy for when no contact isn’t an option. It involves making yourself as uninteresting as possible to the narcissist. You want to become like a dull, lifeless rock—giving them nothing to feed on emotionally.

With gray rock, you:

• Keep conversations minimal and emotionless
• Avoid reacting to their provocations
• Give short, neutral responses
• Refrain from defending, explaining, or justifying yourself
• Maintain a calm, blank expression (robot face)

The goal is to starve the narcissist of the emotional reactions they crave, making you an unappealing source of supply. Over time, they will likely move on to an easier target.

When Should You Use Gray Rock?

Gray rock is necessary when you must interact with a narcissist, such as:

• Co-parenting with them
• Working with them
• Being part of the same family
• Attending unavoidable social events where they will be present

If you share a child, limiting interactions as much as possible is key. Just because you co-parent does not mean you need open communication 24/7. Boundaries are essential. Minimize conversations to only necessary topics regarding your child and keep exchanges emotionless.

No Contact vs. Gray Rock: Making the Right Choice

If you can go no contact, that is always the best option. However, if circumstances prevent this, mastering the gray rock technique can help you reclaim control and protect your emotional well-being.

Common Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics

Narcissists are incredibly cunning—but not in a good way. They will launch into abusive rants, calling you every name under the sun. But the moment they sense that you’re backing off, trying to go gray rock, and refusing to take the bait, they switch tactics.

The Fake Friendship Trap

Another common manipulation is when the narcissist starts acting like they want to be your friend. They casually message or call you just to chat, slipping into your life under the guise of co-parenting. You may find yourself hoping that this newfound friendliness is genuine—that maybe, just maybe, you can finally have a positive, functional relationship for the sake of your kids.

But soon enough, the mask slips. They go from playing nice to blindsiding you with criticism, gaslighting, and emotional attacks. One day, they act like a reasonable co-parent; the next, they’re dragging you back into chaos. This cycle is deliberate. It keeps you emotionally hooked, constantly guessing, and unable to heal.

Gray Rock with a Narcissistic Co-Parent

If you’re still in the family court process, consult your lawyer before implementing gray rock strategies. The legal system often fails to recognize personality disorders, and narcissists are masters at flipping the script—denying, attacking, and reversing the roles of victim and abuser. They may use the effects of their abuse (such as your anxiety or emotional distress) against you to paint you as unstable.

Once the court process is over, you can fully implement gray rock. Here’s how:

1. Block them on your phone. There is no reason a narcissist should have 24/7 access to you just because you share children. If an emergency arises, you can have a trusted third party serve as an intermediary.
2. Limit direct interactions. Pickups and drop-offs should be as brief and neutral as possible. If needed, consider third-party handovers through a trusted friend or supervised exchange center.
3. Anticipate their reactions. Expect resistance. When you stop engaging, they will try to regain control through guilt trips, silent treatment, or emotional manipulation. They’ll claim you’re being unreasonable or cruel, but remember: enforcing boundaries is not abuse.

Gray Rock with a Narcissistic Parent

Boundaries aren’t just for co-parenting—they apply to toxic family members too. Many adult children of narcissistic parents struggle with overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries. Years of conditioning make it feel easier to just “get the phone call over with” rather than face the inevitable backlash.

But if every conversation leaves you feeling drained, criticized, or manipulated, it’s time to make changes:

• Limit contact. Reduce phone calls, visits, or interactions that are emotionally exhausting.
• Predict their behavior. If they give you the silent treatment because you’re not calling as often, recognize it for what it is: an attempt to regain control.
• Prepare for guilt. When you enforce boundaries, they will accuse you of being cruel or ungrateful. Expect it, process it, but don’t give in.

Final Thoughts

Whether it’s a narcissistic co-parent, parent, or family member, the key to protecting yourself is recognizing their tactics and refusing to engage in their manipulative games. They thrive on controlling your emotions, but the moment you take that power away, their hold on you weakens.

Going gray rock isn’t easy, but in time, it will bring you the peace and clarity you deserve. Choose the strategy that fits your situation best, and remember—you deserve peace, healing, and freedom from their toxic influence.