Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone makes another person question their reality, often used in thrillers, dramas, and psychological horror films. Here are some of the best movies that explore gaslighting:
Classic & Iconic Films
Gaslight (1944) – The original gaslighting movie! A husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity.
Rebecca (1940) – A young woman is psychologically tormented by her husband’s housekeeper, who manipulates her into believing she’ll never measure up to his deceased first wife.
Psychological Thrillers
Gone Girl (2014) – A wife fakes her own disappearance to frame her husband, twisting reality and public perception.
Establishing a regular schedule can be beneficial for reducing stress and allowing you to feel more in control. Kerry Kinney, PhD, a psychologist and assistant professor at the Osher Center for Integrative Health at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, shares with SELF, “However, at times, routines can begin to feel repetitive.” Dr. Gallagher explains that varying your routine can change your perspective and allow you to see things differently. It can also stimulate your brain to release dopamine, a pleasure-related neurotransmitter. She highlights that this positive effect can occur when you engage in new activities. You don’t have to abandon your schedule to experience this effect completely; even minor changes, like taking a different route to work or trying a new coffee in the morning, can make a difference.
According to Dr. Shen, another advantage of this technique is that it encourages flexible thinking. As a result, if you encounter unexpected situations in the future, you may find it easier to manage them positively since you’ve trained yourself to approach things from alternative perspectives.
Concentrate on the Present Moment
People often tend to obsess about the future. Dr. Gallagher notes that individuals frequently view situations negatively when something unfortunate occurs. For this reason, Dr. Shen suggests trying to stay present and actively involved in your actions. She advises, “Focus on how thoroughly and actively you participate in activities instead of merely going through the motions.” Consider changing the question from “How productive was I?” to “What enjoyable moments did I experience?”
Changing your perspective in this way can help redirect your focus to the enjoyable experiences you’ve had, such as sharing a funny moment with a friend or successfully reserving a spot in a frequently booked gym class. Reflecting on these positive events can serve as a reminder that your day also includes terrific moments. Dr. Gallagher states, “It’s impactful to acknowledge the positive moments you can easily recall consciously.”
If you’ve tried lemonading and it doesn’t seem to resonate with you, that’s perfectly fine—Dr. Gallagher emphasizes that you shouldn’t pressure yourself to feel happier. Remember that this process can take varying amounts of time for different individuals. Dr. Shen notes that the goal isn’t just to have more positive thoughts but to cultivate the capacity to actively envision and seek out positive opportunities while remaining realistically aware of potential obstacles. The strategies mentioned earlier can assist you in making this mental shift, increasing your likelihood of recognizing and welcoming positive aspects in the future.
According to Dr. Brier, engaging in self-care and interacting with others, as you have been all week, can boost your mood or help you return to a more neutral state instead of remaining sad. She notes that staying indoors could prevent you from taking a break from your thoughts. She advises taking actions that are contrary to feelings of prolonged sadness. This means you might want to dress up and attend a party, even if you’d prefer to stay home and binge-watch Netflix.
Diffusing potential danger enhances individual and public safety.
Key points
Security, healthcare, or any public employee may encounter persons in distress.
Effective interpersonal communication includes listening, validation, and open body language.
Online emotional de-escalation involves empathy, authenticity, and verbal accommodation.
Many people, within the course of their employment, encounter individuals who potentially pose a threat to themselves or others. This dilemma is faced by security professionals, healthcare practitioners, law enforcement, or anyone with a public-facing job where they interact with customers. Although mental health specialists are in the best position to address underlying conditions, all individuals who contact persons in crisis have the opportunity, assuming the proper training, to de-escalate emotion and behavior.
De-Escalating In-Person
Jill E. Spielfogel and J. Curtis McMillen (2017) examined de-escalation strategies across different professions.[i] Frequently discussed in mental health settings, they note that de-escalation is an important practice within the field of law enforcement, nursing, and even customer service. Surveying 56 professionals with expertise in de-escalation about practical strategies they used to assist people in distress, they found areas of commonality, noting that across professions, communication, listening, validation, and body language, were highly important for effective de-escalation.
Managing Emotion Online
Margot van Mulken (2024) explored verbal de-escalation techniques that have been successful when used by webcare employees working with online complainants.[ii] The 13 linguistic and rhetorical features she identified that facilitated de-escalation were grouped into three categories: empathy, authenticity, and verbal accommodation.
Empathy was defined as including expressions of gratitude, positive evaluations and expressions of sympathy that transmit an attitude of building rapport. Authenticity emphasizes the human, personalized element of response, which increases perceived credibility and trustworthiness, which transmits sincerity, and which may help disarm the recipient. Van Mulken identified accommodation as a third dimension that emphasizes the closeness of the employee to the customer through emphasizing common ground, stimulating dialogue, and encouraging further contact, allowing an employee to build a relationship through prolonged interaction.
This type of research, as well as practical experience, informs relational approaches to behavioral management.
5 Behavioral Management Strategies for Success
Examine personal background to decide what type of approach to take with each subject, considering age, family, living situation, and any demographic factors that may impact receptiveness to professional intervention. Offers of assistance are uniquely appealing to certain subjects in need of basic resources such as food and shelter.
Strategize safe methods of physically approaching potentially dangerous people in crisis (after having notified law enforcement if appropriate), considering visible signs of emotional distress as well as substance use—which requires training in detecting relevant symptomology.
Develop specific ways to use conversation to address negative emotions surrounding a currently perceived injustice or grievance. Use a pre-planned selection of words and phrases accompanied by a calm tone of voice to convey compassion and empathy to ensure the encounter is a conversation, not an interrogation.
Standardize a foundational list of protective factors such as occupation, friends, family, and faith to incorporate into conversation when engaging an individual in crisis. Appealing to positive influence and healthy relationships will assist in redirection.
Use openbody language such as nodding, soft eye contact, and leaning forward while listening to comfort a speaker in distress. This calm, non-emotional approach does not suggest indifference, which can be insulting, but genuine interest
Even when security, law enforcement, or mental health professionals are already on the way, using approachable, engaging, situationally appropriate tools, tactics, and techniques can equip professionals in a variety of situations to assist in de-escalating persons of concern and facilitate peaceful resolution.
References
[i] Spielfogel, Jill E., and J. Curtis McMillen. 2017. “Current Use of De-Escalation Strategies: Similarities and Differences in de-Escalation across Professions.” Social Work in Mental Health 15 (3): 232–48. doi:10.1080/15332985.2016.1212774.
[ii] van Mulken, Margot. 2024. “What Verbal De-Escalation Techniques Are Used in Complaint Handling?” Journal of Pragmatics 220 (January): 116–31. doi:10.1016/j.pragma.2023.12.008.
Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.
The term “toxic positivity” has received a good deal of attention lately. Coming off the back of the “positivity movement” we are beginning to recognise while feeling happy is a good thing, overemphasising the importance of a positive attitude can backfire, ironically leading to more unhappiness.
Yes, research shows happier people tend to live longer, be healthier and enjoy more successful lives. And “very happy people” have more of these benefits relative to only averagely happy people. But pursued in certain ways, happiness or positivity can become toxic.
Our research, published in The Journal of Positive Psychology and involving almost 500 people, was inspired by these apparently inconsistent findings – pursuing happiness may be both good and bad for our well-being. We aimed to uncover a key ingredient that turns positivity toxic.
Expecting the best, feeling worse
Some studies have shown that when people place a high value on their own happiness it can lead to less happiness, especially in contexts where they most expect to feel happy.
This tendency to expect happiness and then to feel disappointed or to blame oneself for not feeling happy enough, has been linked to greater depressive symptoms and deficits in well-being.
As the line to a cartoon by Randy Glasbergen depicting a patient confessing to his psychologist puts it:
I am very, very happy. But I want to be very, very, very happy, and that is why I’m miserable.
However, researchers have also observed when people prioritise behaviours that maximise the likelihood of their future happiness – rather than attempting to directly increase their levels of happiness “in the moment” – they are more likely to experience improvements (rather than deficits) in their levels of well-being.
This may mean engaging in activities that provide a sense of achievement or purpose, such as volunteering time or completing difficult tasks, or constructing daily routines that support well-being.
This work suggests pursuing happiness indirectly, rather than making it the main focus, could turn our search for positivity from toxic to tonic.
We wanted to find out what it was about making happiness a focal goal that backfires.
To gain a better understanding, we measured these two approaches to finding happiness: valuing happiness versus prioritising positivity.
People who valued happiness agreed with statements such as “I am concerned about my happiness even when I feel happy” or “If I don’t feel happy, maybe there is something wrong with me”.
People who prioritised positivity agreed with statements such as “I structure my day to maximise my happiness” or “I look for and nurture my positive emotions”.
We also included a measure of the extent to which people feel uncomfortable with their negative emotional experiences. To do this, we asked for responses to statements like: “I see myself as failing in life when feeling depressed or anxious” or “I like myself less when I feel depressed or anxious”.
People who expected to feel happy (scoring high on valuing happiness), also tended to see their negative emotional states as a sign of failure in life and lacked acceptance of these emotional experiences. This discomfort with negative emotions partly explained why they had lower levels of well-being.
On the other hand, people who pursued happiness indirectly (scoring high on prioritising positivity), did not see their negative emotional states this way. They were more accepting of low feelings and did not see them as a sign they were failing in life.
What this shows is when people believe they need to maintain high levels of positivity or happiness all the time to make their lives worthwhile, or to be valued by others, they react poorly to their negative emotions. They struggle with these feelings or try to avoid them, rather than accept them as a normal part of life.
Pursuing happiness indirectly does not lead to this same reaction. Feeling down or stressed is not inconsistent with finding happiness.
So, it appears the key ingredient in toxic positivity is not positivity itself, after all. Rather, it is how a person’s attitude to happiness leads them to respond to negative experiences in life.
The prospect of experiencing pain, failure, loss, or disappointment in life is unavoidable. There are times we are going to feel depressed, anxious, fearful, or lonely. This is a fact. What matters is how we respond to these experiences. Do we lean into them and accept them for what they are, or do we try to avoid and escape from them?
If we are aiming to be happy all the time then we might feel tough times are interrupting our goal. But if we simply put a priority on positivity, we are less concerned by these feelings – we see them as an ingredient in the good life and part of the overall journey.
Rather than always trying to “turn a frown upside down”, we are more willing to sit with our low or uncomfortable emotions and understand that doing so will, in the long run, make us happy.
Learning to respond rather than react to these emotions is a key enabler of our happiness.
Our reaction to discomfort is often to get away and to reduce the pain. This might mean we employ ineffective emotion regulation strategies such as avoiding or suppressing unpleasant feelings.
If we do, we fail to engage with the insights an unpleasant experiences bring. Responding well to these experiences means getting “discomfortable” – being comfortable with our discomfort. Then we can be willing to feel what we feel and get curious about why those feeling are there. Taking this response allows us to increase our understanding, see our choices, and make better decisions.
As the saying goes: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”.
It’s essential to recognize that emotional manipulators have a talent for distorting reality through lies, fibs, and misstatements. By doing so, they can easily confuse and control those around them. Be aware of their tactics and protect yourself from manipulation.
The Home-Court Advantage
in a comfortable environment can significantly influence your sense of empowerment during social interactions. Whether you’re in your own home or a familiar coffee shop, a comfortable space can boost your confidence.
If the individuals you’re meeting with always insist on gathering in their own space, it may be an attempt to establish a power imbalance. They could be putting you at a disadvantage by asserting ownership over their environment.
For example:
When you have time, please come to my office. I’m swamped and can’t make the trip to you.”
It’s quite a long drive for me. Could we meet at my place tonight?”
ListensWell?
When a person seeks control, they might ask probing questions to gain insight into your thoughts and concerns.
This information can be used to manipulate your decisions in line with their hidden agenda. For instance, be aware that your answers can be used against you, especially if someone has ulterior motives.
Stay vigilant and trust your instincts to avoid falling victim to such tactics.
Sympathy Misplaced
They may exaggerate events to make themselves seem more vulnerable. They may also understate their role in a conflict to gain your sympathy.
For example:
“I cried all night and didn’t sleep a wink.
” Well, you’re just going to have to explain why you’re mad at me again
They Engage in Intellectual Bullying.
Suppose someone overwhelms you with statistics, jargon, or facts when you ask a question. In that case, you may be experiencing a type of emotional manipulation. The manipulators presume to be the experts, and they impose their “knowledge” on you. Put-down
This is particularly common in financial or sales situations.
For example:
“You’re new to this, so I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“I know there are a lot of numbers for you, so I’ll go through this again slowly.”They use your insecurities against you.
Insecurities
Be aware that people can and will exploit your insecurities. When they know your weaknesses, they can use them to hurt you. Their comments and actions may be designed to leave you feeling vulnerable and resentful.
For example:
“You said you’d never want your kids to grow up in a broken home. Look at what you’re doing to them now.”
“This is a tough audience. I would be nervous if I were you.”
What To DO
Trusting your instincts is essential if you feel someone is manipulating you. Apologize for any mistakes, but don’t dwell on their accusations. Avoid engaging in manipulative behavior yourself, as this will only worsen the situation. Instead, learn to recognize manipulative tactics so you can respond appropriately. Setting boundaries is crucial, especially if the manipulative person becomes desperate or more aggressive.
It’s essential to recognize that emotional manipulators have a talent for distorting reality through lies, fibs, and misstatements. By doing so, they can easily confuse and control those around them. Be aware of their tactics and protect yourself from manipulation.
The Home-court Advantage
This can be a significant factor in feeling empowered during social interactions. Whether you’re in your own home or a familiar coffee shop, being in a comfortable space can make you feel more confident.
If the people you’re meeting with always insist on meeting in their own space, they may be trying to assert a power imbalance. They may be disadvantaging you by claiming ownership of their space.
For instance:
When you have time, please walk over to my office. I’m swamped and can’t make the trip to you.
It’s quite a long drive for me. Could we meet at my place tonight?
ListensWell?
When one person seeks control, they may ask probing questions to gain an advantage by learning your thoughts and concerns early.
They may use your answers to manipulate your decisions based on their hidden agenda. For example:
Be aware that your answers can be used to manipulate your decisions, especially if someone has a hidden agenda in mind.
Stay vigilant and trust your instincts to avoid falling prey to such tactics.
Sympathy Misplaced
They may exaggerate events to make themselves seem more vulnerable. They may also understate their role in a conflict to gain your sympathy.
For example:
“I cried all night and didn’t sleep a wink.
”“Well, you’re just going to have to explain why you’re mad at me again
They Engage in Intellectual Bullying.
Suppose someone overwhelms you with statistics, jargon, or facts when you ask a question. In that case, you may be experiencing a type of emotional manipulation. The manipulators presume to be the experts, and they impose their “knowledge” on you. Put-down
This is particularly common in financial or sales situations.
For example:
“You’re new to this, so I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”
“I know there are a lot of numbers for you, so I’ll go through this again slowly.”They use your insecurities against you.
Insecurities
Be aware that people can and will use your insecurities against you. When they know your weak spots, they can use them to wound you. They may comment and take actions meant to leave you feeling vulnerable and resentful.
For example:
“You said you’d never want your kids to grow up in a broken home. Look what you’re doing to them now.”
“This is a tough audience. I’d be nervous if I was you.”
What To DO
Trusting your instincts is important if you feel like someone is manipulating you. Apologize for any mistakes, but don’t dwell on their accusations. Don’t try to engage in manipulative behavior yourself, as it will only make the situation worse. Instead, learn to recognize manipulative tactics, so you can respond appropriately. Setting boundaries is also important, especially if the manipulative person becomes desperate and more aggressive.”
Accurately perceiving the unique characteristics of a potential paramour on a first date can reduce romantic interest.
Due to high expectations, deviations from expected first-date behavior could reduce romantic interest.
Inaccuracy about the unique characteristics of a date might stimulate interest, sparking potential “pleasures of uncertainty.”
Less accurate personality impressions can decrease the ability to make good decisions regarding relational pursuit.
Source: Prostock-studio/Shutterstock
Some first dates end with zero expectations of a second. Most provide both parties with plenty of information to consider. But for some people, first dates involve instant attraction where the sparks just fly.
Perceiving both compatibility and chemistry, seeing fireworks instead of friendship leaves the combustible half of the potential pairing suddenly smitten. But is an impression fueled by immediate, untested attraction accurate? According to research, the answer is probably no.
The Accuracy of First Impressions
As a careersex crimes prosecutor, I am deeply concerned about good judgment on first dates. Sexual assault and acquaintance rape have made up a significant portion of my caseload for over 23 years. According to research, accurately sizing up a first date is tied to romantic interest.
Gazzard Kerr et al. (2020) in a piece entitled “Blind at First Sight,” [i] analyzed the concept of distinctive accuracy, recognizing that in some settings, it may be interpersonally beneficial. For example, with new classmates, a higher level of distinctive accuracy has been associated with both more interaction as well as a higher degree of liking over time. For newlywed wives, specific accuracy was linked with a lower chance of divorce.
But first dates are different. Kerr et al. note that accurately perceiving the unique characteristics of a potential paramour on a first date could actually reduce romantic interest. Why? Apparently, a higher degree of familiarity, which they define as having more knowledge about a person as opposed to more time spent together, can decrease attraction on the dating scene, affording more opportunities to find fault.
So perhaps on a first date, the less we know about our dining partner, the more we like. But in order to make good decisions, the more we should know.
Regarding Attraction on a First Date, Less is More
Kerr et al. observe that due to high expectations for self-presentation, deviations from expected first-date behavior could increase distinctively accurate impressions and thereby diminish romantic interest. They also note that because more self-disclosure can improve distinctive accuracy, oversharing on a first date might make it the last.
On the other hand, Kerr et al. recognize that at least on a first date, less is more. They recognize that a lower amount of distinctive accuracy may limit negative interpretations, making it easier to reserve judgment. In fact, they explain that inaccuracy about the unique characteristics of others might actually stimulate interest, sparking potential “pleasures of uncertainty.” They note that with more uncertainty, perceivers may have to think more about people who are harder to read in order to judge personality, thereby sparking romantic interest.
Regarding why distinctively accurate impressions are interpersonally beneficial in other settings, such as platonic getting-to-know-you interaction and within romantic relationships, Kerr et al. suggest there might be something about first dates that makes distinctive accuracy disadvantageous, other than the concept itself. They opine that perhaps the higher stakes might cause people to be more critical, causing them to view even neutral or positive characteristics as less appealing than they might otherwise.
To Remain Romantically Objective, Avoid Falling Too Fast
Kerr et al. observe that if romantic interest lessens distinctive accuracy, we should proceed with caution if we are overly impressed because less accurate personality impressions could decrease the ability to make good decisions regarding relational pursuit. On the other hand, they also note that distinctive accuracy could prompt first daters to be overly critical and too quickly discount potential paramours, especially in light of the proliferation of online dating options.
The researchers leave us with some parting wisdom: If the goal is to pursue a relationship beyond a first date, “perceivers may wish to bring their rose-colored glasses and leave their magnifying glass behind.”
Friendship is more than shared laughter and good times; it involves navigating complex emotions and expectations. Each friendship has unique dynamics shaped by individual personalities and experiences. For instance, some friends may naturally take on the caretaker role, while others might be spontaneous adventurers. Recognizing these dynamics helps one appreciate the depth of connections and the varying roles friends play in each other’s lives.
Aim of Evaluating Friendships
Evaluating friendships is essential for personal growth and emotional well-being. It allows individuals to:
Determine which relationships are enriching and supportive.
Identify friends who may not align with their values.
Foster a healthier social circle.
Ultimately, reassessing friendships can lead to a more fulfilling and genuine connection with those who matter.
Characteristics of Real Friends
Trust and Loyalty
A defining characteristic of genuine friends is their steadfast trust and loyalty. These are the friends you can share your thoughts with, confident that they won’t judge you and will support you unconditionally. In challenging situations, a real friend listens attentively and offers genuine advice rather than simply siding with you. This trust fosters a relationship that endures conflicts, strengthening the friendship as time goes on.
Mutual Respect and Support
Mutual respect is another critical characteristic that defines genuine friendships. It involves valuing each other’s opinions, beliefs, and boundaries. Support becomes a crucial part of the relationship, whether celebrating achievements together or lending a shoulder to cry on during tough times. Real friends often:
Encourage one another to pursue goals.
Provide constructive criticism when needed.
Celebrate each other’s successes without envy.
These qualities create a solid foundation for lasting, meaningful connections.
Signs of Fake Friends
Lack of reliability and consistency
Identifying fake friends can be challenging, but certain red flags can make it easier. One significant sign is a lack of reliability and consistency. If a friend frequently cancels plans at the last minute or fails to follow through on promises, it reflects their insincerity. For instance, it might be time to reassess the friendship if you’ve shared important news and they seem indifferent or forgetful.
Consistency builds trust, and an absence often points to deeper issues. If called on, it Minimizes your emotions: They could dismiss your feelings as an overreaction, causing you to question the validity of your emotions.
Selfishness and Jealousy
Another telling characteristic of fake friends is selfishness and jealousy. These types of friends tend to prioritize their own needs and desires, often at the expense of others. They may react negatively to your achievements, showing jealousy instead of support. Consider someone who rarely asks about your life but eagerly seeks your attention when they have something to share. This imbalance can lead to resentment, clarifying the importance of mutuality in friendships.
Toxic behavior
– Gaslighting: Your friend may deny events, making you doubt your memory.
– Isolation: They may imply that your other friends don’t care about you, making you feel lonely and increasing your dependence on them.
Building and Nurturing Real Friendships
Communication and Openness
To cultivate real friendships, effective communication and openness are essential. Sharing thoughts and feelings fosters a deeper understanding and connection between friends. For instance, a simple conversation about daily experiences can open doors to shared values and interests. Openness encourages vulnerability, allowing friends to express concerns and joy. This creates a safe space that nurtures trust and intimacy, which are fundamental for lasting relationships.
Investing Time and Effort
Building and nurturing friendships also requires a consistent investment of time and effort. Making an effort to connect through regular meet-ups or checking in via texts demonstrates care and dedication. Consider scheduling:
Weekly dates to catch up. Walks, coffee, events.games
Fun activities that you both enjoy.
Small gestures like a handwritten note or a surprise treat.
By prioritizing these moments, friends can create memories and strengthen their bond, ensuring the relationship flourishes over time.
Recognizing toxic friendships is the first step towards healing and nurturing healthier connections. Toxic traits may include constant negativity, manipulative behavior, or an inability to celebrate successes. These friends often drain your energy rather than uplift you. For example, if you feel exhausted after every interaction or doubt their intention, it’s time to look closers. Identifying these signs can help you make more informed decisions about your social circle.
Setting Boundaries and Walking Away
Once you’ve identified toxic traits, setting boundaries is crucial for self-protection. Be clear about what behaviors you will not tolerate. If the toxicity persists, walking away may be necessary.
Consider:
A direct conversation expressing your feelings.
Gradually distancing yourself from toxic interactions.
Focusing on friendships that positively impact your life.
Letting go can be challenging, but prioritizing your well-being is essential for fostering a more supportive and uplifting social environment.
Self-Reflection for Better Friendships
Assessing Your Contributions
To foster better friendships, it’s vital to self-reflect and assess your contributions to the relationship. Ask yourself questions like: Am I supportive? Do I listen well? Understanding how you show up can reveal areas for improvement. For instance, if you often dominate conversations, it might be worthwhile to encourage your friends to share more. Recognizing your role is crucial for nurturing balanced, reciprocal relationships.
Working on Personal Growth
Beyond assessing contributions, committing to personal growth enhances friendship quality. Embracing new experiences and learning can resonate positively with those around you. Consider:
Attending classes or workshops that align with your interests.
Practicing mindfulness to improve emotional intelligence.
As you evolve, you’ll likely attract friendships that mirror your growth, leading to more fulfilling and supportive connections and ultimately creating a positive ripple effect in your social circles.
Got all that?
The Importance of Healthy Friendships
Healthy friendships are fundamental to our overall well-being and happiness. They provide emotional support, reduce stress, and enhance our sense of belonging. Genuine friends celebrate our successes and console us during tough times, creating a safe space to share life’s ups and downs. Remember, it’s the quality of friendships that matters most, not the quantity.
As you evaluate your friendships, embrace the opportunity for growth and healing. Cultivating real connections enriches your life and contributes to a fulfilling social circle. Focusing on trust, mutual respect, and personal development can foster deeper, more meaningful relationships. So take a moment to reflect on your friendships and nurture those that bring joy and positivity into your life. Your relationships deserve the effort!
And if you go out for cocktails? Know who will have your back and who will make sure you are home safe and sound!
People experiencing limerence release norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine, estrogen, and testosterone, creating romantic euphoria.
Limerence can last up to three years if nurtured; however, limerence usually only lasts about six months.
The shelf-life of limerence can be extended, keeping romantic relationships new and exciting.
Source: Wendy Wei/Pixeles
When you first meet a person of interest, you feel like it’s the Fourth of July, Christmas, and your birthday all at once. Wow, you found the perfect mate. They can do no wrong. Dorthy Tennov, in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, coined the term limerence to describe this euphoric feeling. Tennov described limerence as “an involuntary interpersonal state that involves an acute longing for emotional reciprocation, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and emotional dependence on another person.”
Limerence is biological
Limerence is biologically based. At the onset of limerence, the pituitary gland releases norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine, estrogen, and testosterone. This chemical concoction creates romantic euphoria.
Limerence bridges the gap from the time you first meet someone until the relationship is more firmly bonded by the attachmenthormones vasopressin and oxytocin. Vasopressin stimulates vigilance and behaviors required for guarding a partner or territory. Oxytocin creates bonds of trust between two people in a romantic relationship. Vasopressin and oxytocin are typically released anywhere from six months to two years into a romantic relationship.
How limerence progresses
Limerence can last up to three years if nurtured; however, limerence usually only lasts about six months. Once the effects of limerence dissipate, the romantic couple will either enter into a more permanent relationship or break off the relationship. More permanent relationships are typically less exciting than the euphoric feeling of meeting someone for the first time.
In order to experience the same blissful feeling, some people choose to break off relationships and seek new and more exhilarating interpersonal experiences. Like drug addicts, romance addicts go from one new relationship to another new relationship in their quixotic search for the perfect romantic high, which cannot be achieved. Instead, they leave broken hearts and disillusionment in their wake. Limerence can blindly drive people to excess in their pursuit of unrequited romantic exuberance.
Extending limerence
A key part of limerence is the joy of discovery. Limerence can be extended by allowing your person of interest to actively discover who you are over a long period of time.
When meeting a person of interest for the first time, people tend to “data dump” personal information and accomplishments in an effort to impress the other person. This practice can be dangerous. Once you have nothing new to share, the excitement of discovery morphs into ennui, which is a relationship killer.
A better approach is to gradually reveal personal information and accomplishments over a period of many months or even years. When the relationship ebbs, you can always offer new and intriguing titbits to give the relationship an emotional boost. In this way, your person of interest is constantly discovering something new about you, thus extending the joy of discovery.
Introducing new experiences into relationships can also extend limerence. New experiences do not always have to cost a lot of money. Sometimes, the simplest experiences are the most memorable and the most emotionally satisfying. Trying things that you and your person of interest have never done can generate interesting conversations. Something as simple as making a homemade pizza for each other can be enlightening. You will learn what types of food your person of interest likes and dislikes. You can also share the experience of shopping for the pizza ingredients at a local supermarket, and, of course, you can both enjoy your new food creations.
With a little effort, the shelf-life of limerence can be extended, keeping romantic relationships new and exciting for an extended period of time. Limerence is the secret ingredient that bridges the gap between love at first sight and love everlasting.
Reprinted with Permission/
About the Author
John R. “Jack” Schafer, Ph.D., is a behavioral analyst for the FBI and is the author of The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over.
