Retroactive jealousy is a complex and often debilitating form of jealousy that can significantly impact your mental health and relationships. If you find yourself obsessively thinking about your partner’s past, particularly their sexual and romantic history, you might be experiencing retroactive jealousy.

This condition goes beyond the occasional pang of jealousy; it involves persistent, intrusive thoughts that can dominate your emotions and actions. For many people, these thoughts are not just fleeting feelings of insecurity but rather a constant presence that can strain your current relationship and affect your overall well-being. Understanding retroactive jealousy is the first step towards seeking help and finding peace of mind.

Understanding Retroactive Jealousy

Definition and Overview

Retroactive jealousy is a unique and complex form of jealousy that centers on feelings of insecurity and threat stemming from a partner’s past relationships or experiences. Unlike traditional jealousy, which is often triggered by current events or perceived threats, retroactive jealousy involves an unhealthy fixation on the past.

This can manifest as obsessive thoughts about a partner’s previous romantic or sexual history, even if these experiences occurred long before the current relationship began. People experiencing retroactive jealousy often find themselves preoccupied with details of their partner’s past, which can lead to significant emotional distress and strain on the relationship.

Causes and Triggers

The causes and triggers of retroactive jealousy are multifaceted and can be rooted in various psychological, emotional, and environmental factors. One of the primary causes is insecurity, which can stem from low self-esteem, past traumas, or difficulties in maintaining a secure attachment style. Individuals with anxious-attachment styles or those who have experienced infidelity in previous relationships are more prone to developing retroactive jealousy.

Environmental factors also play a significant role. For instance, social media can exacerbate retroactive jealousy by providing easy access to information about a partner’s past, allowing for constant comparison and fact-checking. This can create a cycle of obsessive thinking and behavior, such as snooping through social media profiles, text messages, or other records.

Cognitive distortions, such as perfectionism or all-or-nothing thinking, can further contribute to the development of retroactive jealousy. These patterns of thinking can lead to an exaggerated perception of threats from the past, making it difficult for the individual to move forward and trust their current partner.

Neurological factors, including imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, may also be involved in the development of retroactive jealousy, particularly in cases where it meets the criteria for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Additionally, past traumas or difficult experiences can make individuals more vulnerable to retroactive jealousy. These traumas can create deep-seated fears and anxieties that manifest as an intense focus on a partner’s past.

Impact on Relationships

Effects on the Jealous Partner

Retroactive jealousy can have a profound impact on the individual experiencing it, affecting their mental health and overall well-being. One of the primary effects is the creation of a cycle of anxiety and depression.

The constant preoccupation with a partner’s past can lead to intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors, such as compulsively seeking reassurance or engaging in excessive research about the partner’s previous relationships. This can result in significant emotional distress, making it difficult for the individual to enjoy the present moment and maintain a healthy mental state.

The emotional toll of retroactive jealousy can also manifest as low self-esteem and deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. Individuals may spend hours comparing themselves unfavorably to their partner’s previous partners, which can further exacerbate feelings of insecurity and anxiety. This self-comparison can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth, making it challenging to build and maintain a positive self-image.

In some cases, retroactive jealousy can be linked to underlying mental health conditions such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors associated with retroactive jealousy can be similar to those seen in OCD, adding another layer of complexity to the individual’s mental health challenges.

Effects on the Relationship

Retroactive jealousy can significantly strain the relationship between partners. The constant questioning and need for reassurance can become overwhelming for the partner whose past is being scrutinized. This can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and exhaustion, as the partner may feel that no amount of information or reassurance can alleviate the other’s jealousy.

The relationship may also suffer from a lack of trust and communication. The jealous partner’s actions, such as snooping through social media or interrogating their partner about past relationships, can erode trust and create a hostile environment. This can make it difficult for both partners to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

Moreover, retroactive jealousy can prevent the relationship from moving forward. The fixation on the past can hinder the couple’s ability to build a strong, present-focused relationship. It can lead to missed opportunities for connection and intimacy, as the jealous partner’s energy is consumed by worries about what has already passed.

In severe cases, retroactive jealousy can even lead to the breakdown of the relationship. If the issue is not addressed and managed effectively, the constant tension and emotional distress can become too much to handle, resulting in the dissolution of the relationship.

Strategies for Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

Self-Reflection and Understanding

Overcoming retroactive jealousy begins with a deep dive into self-reflection and understanding the root causes of your feelings. Recognizing that retroactive jealousy often stems from personal insecurities, past traumas, or unresolved fears is essential.

This self-awareness can be achieved through various methods, such as keeping a journal to document your thoughts and emotions. Writing down your feelings can serve as a mirror, offering clarity and understanding of the reasons behind your jealousy.

Identifying and challenging limiting beliefs is another essential step. These beliefs, often rooted in perfectionism or all-or-nothing thinking, can exacerbate retroactive jealousy. By questioning the validity of these beliefs and replacing them with more balanced, realistic perspectives, you can begin to break free from the cycle of obsessive thinking.

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and focusing on the present moment, can also help you stay grounded and reduce the intensity of intrusive thoughts. Techniques from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), like radical acceptance, can help you accept and validate your emotions without judgment, allowing you to come to terms with the fact that the past cannot be changed.

Communication and Professional Help

Effective communication with your partner is vital in managing retroactive jealousy. Approaching the topic in a supportive and non-judgmental way can help alleviate some of your anxieties. It is important to recognize that it is not your partner’s responsibility to resolve your jealousy, but open communication can foster a sense of security and trust in the relationship.

Seeking professional help is often necessary for overcoming retroactive jealousy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) are highly effective therapies for addressing the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors associated with retroactive jealousy. A therapist can help you develop the tools to reframe your thoughts, avoid triggers, and build a healthier mindset.

In addition to individual therapy, relationship or marriage counseling can be beneficial. Working together with a counselor can help you and your partner navigate through difficult emotions, build open and honest communication, and strengthen your relationship. This collaborative approach can pave the way for a more loving and secure partnership.

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Limiting social media use is also a practical strategy. Social media can exacerbate retroactive jealousy by providing easy access to information about a partner’s past. Avoiding or limiting these searches can help you stop creating harmful narratives and reduce the triggers that fuel your jealousy.

Conclusion

Retroactive jealousy is a complex and deeply personal issue that can significantly impact both the individual experiencing it and their relationships. To overcome it, it is essential to recognize the root causes, often tied to personal insecurities, past traumas, and anxiety.

Key strategies include avoiding triggers such as social media, practicing self-reflection and mindfulness, and seeking professional help through therapies like CBT and ERP. Open communication with your partner and leaning on a support network can also be highly beneficial. Remember, retroactive jealousy is often more about your own fears and insecurities than about your partner’s past.

Taking the first step towards seeking help and developing a healthier mindset can lead to a more secure and fulfilling relationship. Don’t let retroactive jealousy control your life; take action today to reclaim your peace of mind and strengthen your relationships. Our posts are not intended to substitute for professional mental health care.

Narcissism: why it’s less obvious in women than in men – but can be just as dangerous By Dr Ava Green and Dr Claire Hart

The term narcissism may conjure up images of chest-pumping, arrogant, male self-promoters. The personality trait – with its hallmark features of overt grandiosity, assertiveness and superiority – is, in fact, more commonly observed in men.

That is because these central features align closely with traditional masculine traits. In fact, up to 75% of people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder are men.

But in reality, narcissism is a modern epidemic that afflicts men and women alike. Our new research, published in Sex Roles, shows how narcissism manifests itself differently in women – but reveals that narcissistic women can be as dangerous and violent as their male counterparts.

Our research reveals that women with high traits of narcissism tend to be more vulnerable and insecure than their male peers. That means it can sometimes be missed by clinical professionals, for example, misdiagnosed as borderline personality disorder.

Narcissism is a complex personality trait. While full-blown narcissistic personality disorder isn’t too common, affecting about 1-2% of the population, we all have narcissism to varying degrees.

Narcissistic personality traits can be expressed in two forms: grandiose and vulnerable. People who exhibit more grandiose features are self-assured and socially dominant. People who exhibit more vulnerable features are introverted and have lower self-esteem. Both forms share an antagonistic core, demonstrated by high levels of entitlement and a willingness to exploit others.

In the context of intimate relationships, narcissism has similarly been associated with men’s perpetration of violence. Threats to their self-esteem can evoke feelings of shame, humiliation and wounded pride, leading to aggressive behaviour.

Although women are less likely to display stereotypical manifestations of narcissism, it does not mean that narcissism is not as common in women. For instance, consider the numerous reality TV stars who are notorious for their self-centredness and vanity – traits often associated with narcissism.

Yet narcissism in women extends beyond self-absorption. Vulnerable narcissism involves traits such as emotional vulnerability, low self-esteem and inhibition. These traits overlap with traditional notions of femininity. Such gender differences in narcissism may stem from gender-specific stereotypes of masculinity and femininity ingrained from childhood.

Consequently, the tendency for men to display more grandiose features and women to display more vulnerable traits may partly originate from parenting styles aimed at making boys more assertive and girls more nurturing.

However, there is a danger of interpreting women’s narcissism as less harmful due to their initial presentation as more soft-spoken, nurturing, passive and vulnerable than men. Beneath this persona, they may be devoid of empathy and harbour high levels of entitlement and a willingness to exploit others.

This suggests that men and women may be aggressive or violent in different ways. Narcissistic women may be more likely to manipulate people, spread rumours or be passive aggressive than narcissistic men, for example.

Our recent research tested this for the first time. In a study of 328 adults (176 women and 152 men), we examined the complex dynamics between childhood experiences, narcissism and the perpetration of intimate partner violence in men and women.

Participants completed an online survey and were asked questions about their personality traits. This captured both grandiose and vulnerable features of narcissism using the Pathological Narcissism Inventory. Participants were also asked to indicate any conflicts that may have arisen during their past or present intimate relationships.

Men scored higher on grandiose narcissism while women scored higher on vulnerable narcissism. Despite these marked gender differences, it is important to remember that narcissism exists along a spectrum. Men can exhibit vulnerable features and women can exhibit grandiose features, too.

Grandiose narcissism in men was associated with greater perpetration of psychological partner violence such as being controlling, bullying or manipulative.

Somewhat surprisingly, grandiose narcissism in men was not associated with the perpetration of physical violence. That clashes with some previous research that measured narcissism using different methods. But overall, men are more likely than women to perpetrate violence, so a proportion of narcissistic men are likely to be violent.

More surprisingly, vulnerable narcissism in women was linked with greater perpetration of physical, sexual and psychological partner violence. It is important to note here that not every woman with vulnerable narcissistic traits is violent.

Instead, specific features of vulnerable narcissism such as devaluing others (assigning exaggerated negative qualities about them) and having entitlement rage (lashing out when you don’t get what you think you deserve) are associated with violent behaviour.

Women who exhibit these features to a greater extent are more likely to be shamefully dependent on others to provide admiration. As a result, they are more likely to respond violently in an attempt to regulate their self-esteem and gain positions of power.

Silhouette of a woman slapping a man

Spotting narcissistic women
Despite longstanding evidence portraying narcissistic men as more violent than women, our research shows that narcissistic women are not only verbally aggressive, as commonly portrayed in studies, but also physically violent towards their partner.

Despite this, the manner in which narcissistic women abuse others may not be recognised as stereotypically narcissistic. Instead, they may use their feminine identity to leverage societal expectations of women as being nurturing and passive.

This might include exploiting their perceived victimhood to gain positions of power and control. Insidious tactics may include making threats of (false) allegations of abuse, withholding intimacy and affection, exploiting their motherhood to turn their children against their partner, and physically assaulting their partner and blaming it on self-defence to gain sympathy from legal authorities.

Our research challenges the stereotype that women are always the victims in abusive relationships. This balanced understanding promotes a more nuanced view of relational dynamics and gender roles in intimate relationships. By investigating features of narcissism in women, we can better recognise and unmask their true nature.

By Dr Ava Green and Dr Claire Hart

Reprinted with Permission

Ghosting Submarining Breadcrumbs

And more Dating Terms for Today:

Yes, ghosting is generally considered a toxic behavior in interpersonal relationships. It occurs when someone suddenly ends all communication with another person without any explanation or closure. This behavior shows a lack of respect and communication for the other person involved. Ghosting can harm the individual left without any explanation or closure, causing confusion, hurt, and questioning their self-worth.

The sudden disappearance can negatively affect self-esteem, trust in others, and overall mental well-being. Not to mention the sudden appearance after long periods: “submarining.” This can lead to confusing signals.

Ghosting and Submaring hurt relationships and hinder personal growth and resolution. It deprives both parties of an opportunity to address any issues or conflicts that arise during the time spent together. Individuals who practice ghosting tend to avoid difficult conversations or confrontations, which leads to a lack of accountability.

Be aware some come back and offer breadcrumbs.

“Breadcrumbing refers to a form of manipulation — whether intentional or not — involving one person “feigning interest and acting as though they feel sincerely interested and invested in a relationship with another person when they are not,” said Dr. Monica Vermani, a Canada-based clinical psychologist and author of “A Deeper Wellness: Conquering Stress, Mood, Anxiety and Traumas.”

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By doing so, they fail to take responsibility for their actions and provide closure for the person they are ghosting. The lack of accountability further perpetuates toxic behavior patterns and prevents healthy communication from taking place.

It may reveal underlying issues if someone ghosts you. According to Dr. Ali Fenwick.- “the neglected child cannot bond; they don’t feel safe.”

And the other popular reason: they never respected or loved you.

Meet the f*ckboi they con in any way they can. They will say whatever they need to. They couldn’t care less about the other person. They are usually excellent emotional manipulators.

Communication is the foundation of any relationship.

And yes, it can be tempting to ghost someone when faced with uncomfortable situations or unwanted connections, but it is essential to understand that this behavior can harm others. Instead of ghosting, individuals should communicate openly and honestly when ending relationships or addressing conflicts.

This approach can lead to healthier connections built on trust and mutual respect. Ghosting Submarining Breadcrumbs An d more Dating Terms for Today: Our posts do not substitute for professional mental health care.

Do you need some help with prompts to start journaling? We have twenty-five to get you started.

1. Reflect on your values: What core values do you believe in? How do you ensure that your actions align with these values?

2. Identify your boundaries: What are your boundaries in various aspects of life, such as relationships, work, and self-care? How do you communicate and uphold these boundaries?

3. Recall a time when you stood up for yourself: How did you assert your needs or beliefs in that situation? What did you learn from it?

4. Evaluate your self-talk: Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself. Are you compassionate and encouraging, or critical and self-deprecating?

5. Consider your achievements: Reflect on your accomplishments, big or small. How do these achievements contribute to your sense of self-worth?

6. Practice self-compassion: How do you show kindness and understanding towards yourself, especially during challenging times?

7. Assess your relationships: Are the people in your life supportive and respectful of you? How do you maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships?

8. Review your goals: What are your short-term and long-term goals? How do you prioritize your goals and stay committed to achieving them?

9. Reflect on your passions: What activities or hobbies bring you joy and fulfillment? How do you make time for these passions in your life?

10. Consider your physical health: How do you prioritize self-care activities, such as exercise, nutrition, and sleep, to maintain your physical well-being?

11. Evaluate your decision-making process: How do you honor your values and priorities? Are you confident in making choices that align with your best interests?

12. Assess your assertiveness: How do you assertively express your needs, opinions, and feelings without being passive or aggressive?

13. Reflect on your resilience: How do you bounce back from setbacks and failures? What strategies do you use to overcome challenges and persevere?

14. Consider your personal growth: How do you invest in your personal development and growth? How do you challenge yourself to learn and improve?

15. Evaluate your self-respect in the workplace: How do you assert yourself professionally and set boundaries in your work environment? How do you advocate for fair treatment and recognition?

16. Reflect on your integrity: Are your actions consistent with your values and beliefs? How do you uphold honesty and integrity in all areas of your life?

17. Consider your self-care routine: What practices do you engage in to nurture your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being? How do you prioritize self-care amidst your busy schedule?

18. Reflect on your financial responsibility: How do you manage your finances and make decisions that align with your financial goals and values?

19. Evaluate your self-image: How do you perceive yourself? Are you comfortable with your strengths and weaknesses? How do you cultivate a positive self-image?

20. Consider your role in your community: How do you contribute to your community and positively impact others? How do you foster meaningful connections and relationships?

21. Reflect on your boundaries in social media: How do you maintain a healthy relationship with social media? How do you protect your privacy and well-being while engaging online?

22. Consider your leisure activities: How do you prioritize leisure and relaxation? How do you ensure that you have time for rest and rejuvenation?

23. Reflect on your communication style: How do you communicate assertively and respectfully with others? How do you ensure that your voice is heard and respected?

24. Evaluate your self-esteem: How do you build and maintain healthy self-esteem? What practices do you engage in to boost your confidence and self-assurance?

25. Consider your role in creating a positive environment: How do you create a positive and supportive environment for yourself and others? How do you foster kindness, respect, and empathy in your interactions?

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These prompts are designed to help you meaningfully explore your inner thoughts and feelings, leading to a stronger sense of self-respect and appreciation. Investing in yourself through these exercises can unlock new insights and perspectives that will benefit you in all aspects of life.

Our Mind Journals are here.

Our Hardcover Journal with our logo can be shipped to you.

Nonconformity: When “Fun Facts” Are Red Flags

Key points

• After an act of violence, initially “interesting” facts can seem ominous in retrospect.
• People often reveal red flags by engaging in risky behavior.
• Another red flag: Rebellious individuals who refuse to conform to societal norms or laws.

For many people, modern living involves a desire for distinction. From the way they dress to the cars they drive, individuals dare to be different. True, interesting, offbeat details are often the main thing acquaintances remember after meeting someone new. Yet not all unusual proclivities are recalled as “fun facts”; some memorable details are disturbing and unsettling. And after an act of violence, initially “interesting” particulars are ominous in retrospect. When the desire to be different involves risk-taking and a dangerous disposition, individuality can be unpredictable and unnerving. Research illustrates this reality.

Source: Med Ahabchane/Pixabay

When Abnormal Is Alarming

In a world defined by hashtags, trends, and whatever constitutes “the new normal,” some people intentionally present themselves as abnormal. On the bright side, many people showcase unique traits and talents cultivated through life experiences and personal achievements, particularly stories of overcoming adversity, which make them memorable and likable. In a darker vein, some people share unsettling experiences of having been involved in past criminality or violence. Some demonstrate nonconformity by insisting upon living in the past and wallowing in grievance, which can be the first step along the pathway to targeted violence.[i]

In evaluating whether an unusual fact or circumstance is distinctive or dangerous, here are some guidelines for balancing personal traits with potential dangerousness.

Impulsive Nonconformity and Risk-Taking

Some red flags involve engaging in risky behavior. Parents don’t want their 16-year-old daughter to date a daredevil willing to “try anything.” Adults feel the same way about trusting acquaintances or colleagues who insist on “living on the edge” personally or professionally. Research corroborates these concerns.

Andrew Denovan et al. (2020) studied the link between schizotypy and risk-taking.[ii] The researchers define schizotypy, which has been linked with a variety of risky behaviors, as a “multidimensional psychopathology construct” comprising a mix of conditions, one of which is impulsive nonconformity. Investigating the interplay between schizotypy, urgency in the form of emotional impulsivity, and risk-taking, they found that impulsive nonconformity positively predicted risk-taking. Other conditions, such as cognitive disorganization and unusual experiences, indirectly affected risk-taking through urgency, which helped explain the schizotypy-risk relationship.

Reading Red Flags of Rebellion

In other cases, the common denominator separating the dangerous from the desirable is a matter of intention. People who showcase their creativity through nonconformity can make interesting conversation partners, party planners, or even paramours. Dangerous individuals, however, are more likely to embrace unconventionality in terms of refusing to conform to societal norms, resulting in disrespect for rules or laws and often vocal objection to those who do.

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When Unconventional Is Unstable and Unpredictable

When learning about new friends or prospective paramours, there is nothing wrong with being pleasantly surprised by interesting facts. But, although positive qualities might be unexpected, they should not be unpredictable. Distinctive qualities complement someone who is also perceived as truthful and trustworthy. The goal is to be a conversation starter and a walking talking point—not a ticking time bomb.

Even when you are initially amused by or even attracted to a distinctive individual, consider how and why he or she caught your attention, the motivation fueling the forced abnormality, in order to perceive the personality behind the nonconforming persona.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Red Flags, and co-author of Reading People.

Reprinted with permission

References

[i] Kupper, Julia, and J. Reid Meloy. 2021. “TRAP-18 Indicators Validated through the Forensic Linguistic Analysis of Targeted Violence Manifestos.” Journal of Threat Assessment and Management 8 (4): 174–99. doi:10.1037/tam0000165.

[ii] Donovan, Andrew, Neil Dagnall, and Lucy Monk. 2020. “Schizotypy and Risk-Taking Behaviour: The Contribution of Urgency.” Journal of Psychopathology and Behavioral Assessment 42 (1): 1–12. doi:10.1007/s10862-019-09769-4.

Not Everyone will do Dry January. This one is for you.

Had One Too Many? 5 Smart Ways to Sober Up Fast

We’ve all been there: an evening with friends, a little too much fun, and suddenly, you need to sober up quickly. It’s a common scenario that, while often harmless, can sometimes lead to situations where quick sobriety is not just preferred but necessary.

1. Hydration: The Power of Water

Water is your best friend when it comes to sobering up. As Dr. Zehra Siddiqui, DO, medical director of Ryan Chlesea-Clinton, points out, “Alcohol dehydrates the body, which exacerbates the side effects of drinking.” Hydrating helps dilute the alcohol in your system and speeds up its elimination. Even better, try cutting your alcoholic beverages with carbonated water for a spritzer effect, which not only hydrates but also reduces your overall alcohol intake.

2. Carbonation: A Double-Edged Sword

While a fizzy drink might be refreshing, carbonation can be tricky. A study in 2007 showed that mixing alcohol with carbonated beverages can lead to faster absorption of alcohol in the body. So, if you’re trying to stay on the clearer side of tipsy, it might be best to avoid the bubbles.

3. Enzyme Tablets: The Future of Sobering Up?

Scientists are exploring innovative solutions to fast sobering. At UCLA, a team developed a capsule containing enzymes that mimic the liver’s alcohol-processing function. This treatment significantly decreased blood alcohol levels in mice, suggesting a potential future where a pill could offer a quick sobering effect.

4. Good Carbs: Your Alcohol Sponge

Bread and other high-carb foods can help soak up alcohol, but it’s not just about absorption. These foods can slow down the body’s absorption of alcohol, thus moderating intoxication levels. Dr. Siddiqui advises, “Eating a high-carb diet lowers the ratio of alcohol in your blood and slows absorption.” Meals rich in fats, proteins, or carbs delay gastric emptying, slowing down alcohol absorption.

5. The Clock: Patience is a Virtue

The body takes about an hour to process one standard drink. This means the more you drink, the longer it takes for the alcohol to leave your system. Understanding this can help manage your drinking pace and prevent overconsumption.

Sobering up quickly is often more about mitigating the effects of alcohol rather than eliminating them. The methods outlined here can help but are not a substitute for responsible drinking practices. Remember, the best way to avoid having to sober up fast is to drink responsibly in the first place.

References:

Reader’s Digest

There is no greater joy than being at peace. No, no, not death. The peace referred to in this context is a state of tranquility in your mind and body. Some of you reading this probably have jobs that stress you the hell out. You wake up so early in the morning to go to a job you might not even have a passion for, and you come back very late at night, stressed out and wanting nothing more than to lay down on that bed and sleep off because that is the only thing that can seem to bring you the comfort you so desire.

But what if there was another way? Wait! There is another way! I’ve tested it myself and I can say it absolutely works and perhaps the greatest advantage of making sure to keep fit and exercise is the healthiness that it will bring to your body and mind.

So, if you want to be like me, try out some of these smart fitness tips below and you can guarantee that your body and mind will never remain the same.

Start the day with a Healthy Breakfast:

I know this might be a little bit difficult considering your very busy schedule, but having a healthy breakfast before beginning the stress of the day is an absolute priority — which you can agree is underrated.

You see, your body needs certain nutrients to work efficiently. Feeding your body also feeds your mind, releasing certain ‘joyful’ chemicals in your brain. So, if you’re not getting breakfast filled with protein, fiber, carbohydrates, etc. You are successfully setting yourself up.

Get at least 30 minutes of exercise every day

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When I started exercising, I believed the best way to do it was to drill myself hard. So, I thought, “Yeah, 100 push-ups and 60 stomach crunches every day.” Believe me, this didn’t work out well. I never went past four days. The question is, why?

I soon came to realize it’s all about consistency. You don’t need to spend hours in a gym to get fit. You can start with as little as 30 minutes of exercise every day. Now, do that for two years, and you’ll notice remarkable changes in your body. But you won’t do that, will you? Do you want fast results? That, that will not work.

Interval Training:Fartleks

Fartleks offers a more relaxed approach to interval training. To begin a fartlek session, go outdoors and spend a few minutes warming up with your favorite activity, whether that’s walking, running, cycling, riding a unicycle, or snowshoeing. Next, choose a nearby landmark—anything from a tree to an eye-catching mailbox or an interesting rock formation. Increase your speed until you reach that point. Afterward, return to your initial pace to allow your heart rate and breathing to recover before selecting another landmark. Feel free to adjust the distance between these targets and aim for around 30 minutes of fartlek training once a week as a starting point.

Meditation

Studies have proven time and time again that meditation offers numerous benefits to both our body and mind. And no, it’s not just about sitting down and humming for about thirty minutes daily. It goes way beyond that, i.e., Mindfulness meditation.

Transform your exercise routine into an enjoyable outing. Find a buddy and go for a morning run or walk, then treat yourselves to a coffee or smoothie afterward. Alternatively, you could try yoga or join a group class— of Pilates, Zumba or Peleton Cycling.

The question of whether narcissists can experience genuine love has puzzled relationship experts, mental health professionals, and countless individuals who’ve found themselves entangled with narcissistic partners. The answer, as with most aspects of human psychology, is more nuanced than a simple yes or no.

Understanding Narcissism: A Spectrum, Not a Switch

Before examining whether narcissists can love, we need to understand that narcissism exists on a continuum. At one end are individuals with healthy self-confidence and occasional narcissistic traits—qualities most people display from time to time. At the other end lies Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinical diagnosis affecting approximately 0.5 to 5 percent of adults.

This distinction matters tremendously. Someone with narcissistic traits but not full NPD may be quite capable of forming loving, reciprocal relationships. However, those diagnosed with NPD face fundamental challenges that prevent them from experiencing love the way most people understand it.

The Narcissist’s Version of “Love”

When narcissists say “I love you,” they often mean something fundamentally different from what others mean. Mental health professionals describe narcissistic love as transactional, conditional, and ultimately self-serving. Rather than falling in love with an actual person—with all their complexities, flaws, and authentic qualities—narcissists become infatuated with an idealized fantasy of who they want their partner to be.

During the initial stages of a relationship, this can feel incredibly intense and intoxicating. The narcissist engages in what experts call “love bombing”: overwhelming displays of affection, constant attention, grand gestures, and declarations of finding their soulmate. This isn’t manipulation for manipulation’s sake—the narcissist genuinely believes they’ve found perfection. The problem is that they’ve fallen in love with their own projection, not with a real human being.

Why Narcissists Struggle with Genuine Love

The inability to truly love stems from several core deficits associated with NPD. The most significant barrier is a lack of empathy—the capacity to understand and share another person’s feelings. Empathy forms the foundation of authentic love, allowing us to care about someone else’s wellbeing as much as our own. Without it, relationships become fundamentally one-sided.

Narcissists also view relationships through a transactional lens. They see people as tools or objects that serve specific purposes: boosting self-esteem, providing admiration, enhancing their image, or meeting their needs. When someone no longer fulfills these functions adequately, they’re devalued or discarded. This utilitarian approach contradicts the essence of love, which values another person for who they are, not what they provide.

Additionally, narcissists struggle with emotional vulnerability. Genuine love requires the ability to be seen authentically, to admit mistakes, and to allow another person to matter enough that they could hurt us. For narcissists, who’ve often constructed elaborate defenses to protect a fragile ego, this level of vulnerability feels impossibly threatening.

The Relationship Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard

Understanding the typical narcissistic relationship pattern illuminates why these connections feel so confusing. The cycle typically unfolds in three stages.

The idealization phase begins with that intense love bombing. The narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal, showering them with attention and making them feel uniquely special. This phase can last weeks or months, creating powerful emotional bonds and setting expectations for how the relationship will continue.

Inevitably, reality intrudes. The partner reveals human flaws, has needs of their own, or fails to maintain the impossible standard of perfection the narcissist projected onto them. This triggers the devaluation phase, where criticism, contempt, and emotional withdrawal replace the earlier adoration. The partner finds themselves constantly trying to recapture that initial magic, unaware that it was always based on an illusion.

Finally, when the relationship no longer serves the narcissist’s needs, they move to the discard phase—sometimes abruptly ending things or emotionally checking out while maintaining the relationship’s shell.

Can Narcissists Change?

This question matters deeply to those hoping their narcissistic partner might somehow transform. While change is theoretically possible, it’s exceptionally rare for several reasons.

People with NPD rarely seek treatment voluntarily because the disorder prevents them from recognizing problems with their own behavior. They’re more likely to blame relationship failures on their partners’ inadequacies than examine their own patterns. Even when narcissists do enter therapy—often due to external pressure or consequences—the very traits that define NPD make therapeutic progress extremely difficult.

Treatment requires developing empathy, accepting responsibility, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, and working through deep-seated defense mechanisms built over decades. This demands sustained effort, humility, and genuine motivation to change—qualities that conflict with the narcissistic mindset.

Recognizing Your Reality

If you’re questioning whether your partner is capable of loving you, that question itself often reveals important truths. In healthy relationships, partners generally feel secure in their love, even during conflicts. The constant uncertainty, the feeling of walking on eggshells, the cycles of euphoria and devastation—these signal that something fundamental is amiss.

Some signs you may be in a relationship with a narcissist include feeling like you’re never quite good enough, having your reality constantly questioned or dismissed, experiencing extreme highs and lows with little middle ground, feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions and self-esteem, and finding that conversations always circle back to your partner’s needs and perspectives.

Moving Forward

Understanding that someone with NPD cannot love in the traditional sense isn’t about demonizing them. Many narcissists experienced developmental trauma or attachment disruptions that shaped their defensive patterns. However, compassion for their struggles doesn’t obligate you to remain in a relationship that damages your wellbeing.

If you recognize narcissistic patterns in your relationship, consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. They can help you understand the dynamics at play, establish healthy boundaries, and make informed decisions about your future.

The more important question might not be whether narcissists can love, but whether the kind of conditional, self-serving affection they offer meets your needs and supports your emotional health. You deserve a relationship where you’re valued for who you truly are, not who someone fantasizes you could be. That’s not negotiable, and it’s not asking too much—it’s the foundation of genuine love.

To many, New Year’s Day represents the possibility for beginning anew.

Of late, individuals are welcoming the start of another year with a resolution to practice mindfulness, a type of meditation. Many believe mindfulness will help them relax, lessen stress and anxiety, reduce chronic pain and generally improve the quality of their lives – and the research bears this out.

Over the past 40 years, mindfulness has become a popular meditation practice around the world. What began as a Buddhist practice for relieving suffering has been secularized and reframed as a modern science with very little connection to its Buddhist roots.

Based on the extensive research at universities showing meditation’s benefits, mindfulness is now practiced in schools, government offices, professional sports, prisons, police departments, and the military. Popular apps, including Headspace, Calm and Insight Timer, make it easy for anyone to access guided meditations.

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Businesses and corporations have taken note and often advise their workers to practice mindfulness to be more productive. Mindfulness has become so business friendly that it has been called a new “capitalist spirituality.”

I am a scholar of mindfulness, communication and ethics, as well as a longtime meditation teacher. For those who are considering practicing mindfulness this year, I want to return to the Buddhist roots of mindfulness in order to highlight one aspect of this practice that might be surprising and counterintuitive: Mindfulness means “remembering.”

Staying in the present moment

According to the Vietnamese Zen master, Buddhist monk, poet and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh, mindfulness is “the heart” of the Buddha’s teaching.

He defines mindfulness as a practice of “keeping one’s consciousness alive to the present reality.” The past is gone, and the future is not yet real. It is only in the present moment that we have any control or freedom.

In the ancient Indian language of Pali, the word now translated into English as “mindfulness” is “sati,” which is closely related to the verb “sarati,” “to remember.” But remembering, in this sense, does not mean dwelling on the past or ruminating over bygone events. It means “remembering to come back to the present moment.”

Our culture, which scholar Jenny Odell calls an “attention economy,” has transformed individual attention into a commodity to be bought and sold.

Much of contemporary life is designed to distract us from what is happening right here and right now. This is especially true of social media, which at its worst is a flood of distracting, disorienting content. Each day presents constant temptations to forget to be present and to lose ourselves in our screens.

Sometimes the hardest thing to remember is to be present. Mindfulness is therefore a practice of remembering to come back home to the now, when there are so many distractions and forces encouraging us to forget.

Remembering why you practice

In Buddhist traditions, mindfulness also means remembering why we practice meditation in the first place.

Originally, mindfulness was one of eight practices that the Buddha described to overcome suffering. Known today as the Noble Eightfold Path, these practices include right view, right thinking, right speech, right action, right diligence, right concentration, right mindfulness and right livelihood.

Though mindfulness is traditionally placed seventh in this list, Nhat Hanh suggested that it could be placed first, since mindfulness is required for every step along the path. Taken as a whole, these eight practices are designed to help people face their suffering, transform it and find joy in life.

According to Buddhist teachers, the reason to practice mindfulness is to overcome suffering in ourselves. The point of mindfulness is not to be more productive at work. The point is not just to relax, either. The point is personal transformation. By cultivating deep, unwavering, honest, openhearted attention, it becomes possible to look deeply at our suffering and to identify its causes.

Once the causes and conditions are identified, then we can work to transform them, so that we suffer less. The less we suffer, the easier it is to meet the present moment – and our lives – with open arms and without adding to the suffering in the world.

Perhaps, if we are sufficiently resolved, we can even relieve some of the world’s suffering.

Jeremy David Engels

I am a Liberal Arts Endowed Professor of Communication and a long-time meditation, mindfulness, and yoga scholar-teacher-practitioner