What all detours to total-jerkdom have in common.

KEY POINTS:

• DSM-like rubrics are useful for categorizing “dark” personalities but do little to explain them.
• People detour into total jerkdom by way of many paths, some of them opposites — for example, being dominant or oppressed.
• Total jerks take the path of most insistence because it’s the path of least resistance.

For diagnostic purposes, it’s enough to have DSM-like rubrics for categorizing difficult people: If a subject has X number of these descriptive traits, it’s fair to describe them as having this or that condition.

For greater diagnostic accuracy, we can expand the rubrics and descriptions. There’s psychopath, narcissist, gaslighter. There are the dark triad traits and now a five-trait characterization: callousness, deceitfulness, narcissistic entitlement, sadism, and vindictiveness.

But science isn’t just description; it’s also explanation.

The Path to Becoming A Jerk

How then does someone become a total jerk? Alas, by many paths, many of them opposites — unfortunate genetics or bad parenting, too much or little of this or that bio-chemical. One can become a cynical con artist or a gullible dupe. One can end up with so much power they can get away with being a total jerk or so little power they have nothing to lose by being one.

Biography (etiology) aside, is there something all paths have in common, some integrated explanation for how people detour into total jerkdom? I suspect there is.

Being a total jerk is a human thing, a path of least resistance made both useful and possible by symbol-fluency — in other words, the human capacity for language. We humans have something beyond the responsiveness evident in all organisms and the feelings evident in all animals.

All organisms interact selectively with their circumstances, for example, consuming food, not poison; water, not bleach. All organisms let some stuff in and keep other stuff out. It’s obvious why they must:

Organisms aren’t durable objects. We’re fragile and must struggle for our persistence, not just reproducing offspring but regenerating ourselves in real-time, fast enough to outpace the aging, crippling degeneration that eats away at us 24/7.

Self-regeneration takes work. Work takes energy. But energy currents are just what degenerate us.

So we all have to let in the right, not the wrong energy currents. To be well-adapted means being good at just that. An organism that interacts with the wrong energy currents degenerates and dies.

Most organisms selectively interact without feeling or thinking about it. Animals selectively interact by feel, a “yum” vs. “yuk” response — absorbing what feels good and avoiding what feels bad.

With language, we humans selectively interact by means of concepts too. We can conceive of all sorts of possibilities — so many that we’re easily overwhelmed. We can imagine all sorts of real and imaginary threats and missed opportunities. We can foresee our own deaths in ways no other organism can.

Given language, we’re an exceptionally anxious species. A rat is anxious, but only about a few threats. We humans are exposed to so many possibilities, it’s like we’re trudging through an erosive sandstorm of discouraging conceptual possibilities, dread, and FOMO. Compared to human life, a rat race would be a vacation.

With language, we can also generate concepts by which to avoid other concepts. We can engage in threat displacement, worrying about imaginary threats so we don’t have to think about real ones.

Selective interaction in the conceptual, language-fueled realm manifests as confirmation bias, interacting with what encourages us, not with what discourages us.

Confirmation bias is a problem that most of us recognize we must manage. There’s a taboo against saying no to every bit of disappointing news. Scientists, heavily biased against confirmation bias, have become our role models. We learn to bite our tongues rather than spitting out criticism. We learn to apologize when we lash out impulsively against discouragement.

In contrast, for total jerks, confirmation bias becomes the answer to all problems.

It’s easy. To become a total jerk, just double down and out-escalate in every confrontation. Never concede anything, never apologize or compromise. Become shameless and when challenged, be shameless about your shamelessness. Insist that you’re being consistent by declaring yourself rational, more scientific than scientists, even while engaging in reckless hypocrisy. Have proud blind faith in yourself and when challenged on that, have proud blind faith in your proud, blind faith.

To become a total jerk, you’ll make sacrifices but they’re all worth the advantages gained. Conscience, heart, and mind, caring about the meaning of what you say — all of that must go, but that’s a small price to pay for giving yourself and others the impression of having an uninterrupted winning streak.

Taking the total-jerk detour of least resistance, you become challenge-proof, invincible, and incorrigible — literally un-correctible. You feel like a god which is much easier than being human. You can do anything you want and whatever you do is always the best.

Since winning is relative to losing, the total jerk just has to master some techniques for deflecting and discrediting all challenges to their authority. It’s not difficult: Credit all good to yourself, discredit all bad to your rivals.

There are many familiar cliches by which you can pose as the judge presiding over all arguments you enter. Just parrot the cliches. Conscientious people will mistake you for meaning and caring about what you’re saying and will tend to back down.

Externalize all doubt: Make others doubt themselves so you don’t have to doubt yourself.

Pose as the authority. Decent, civilized people trying to connect with you will give up on trying to beat you. Some will join you.

Abandon give-and-take for take-and-take as though you’re on some holy war mission, that makes you holy enough that it’s your dirty duty to defeat everyone in your way.

And what for? What’s your grand cause? Though you may brandish a cause as though it’s so important, it trumps all other concerns, that’s just for show. You don’t have a cause other than keeping yourself invincible.

That’s what it’s like to detour into total jerkdom and it’s good to try to imagine how you too could slide because it’s an option tempting to any of us if we can get away with it.

Total jerks are parrotsites, parasites by parroting whatever clears for them a path of least resistance to wherever they want to go. They’re bullsh*tdozers, bulldozing through everything in their path by means of BS — not caring what’s true, only what’s useful for getting their way.

These days, the sandstorm of possibilities only grows: There’s so much world to worry about, and so many new cliches by which to deflect them.

There’s a lot of talk about how to have difficult conversations with people who have different values from yours. Total jerks don’t really have values.

There’s not enough about how to close the total jerk path of least resistance, how to make it cost a total jerk to indulge in their easy way out.

It’s easier to play God than be human, unless we figure out how to make it harder.

Here’s a four-minute video on what all total jerks have in common.

And here’s my new podcast on psychoproctology: Ahole diagnosis,

Jeremy E. Sherman Ph.D., MPP

Original Article

The question of whether narcissists can experience genuine love has puzzled relationship experts, mental health professionals, and countless individuals who’ve found themselves entangled with narcissistic partners. The answer, as with most aspects of human psychology, is more nuanced than a simple yes or no.

Understanding Narcissism: A Spectrum, Not a Switch

Before examining whether narcissists can love, we need to understand that narcissism exists on a continuum. At one end are individuals with healthy self-confidence and occasional narcissistic traits—qualities most people display from time to time. At the other end lies Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinical diagnosis affecting approximately 0.5 to 5 percent of adults.

This distinction matters tremendously. Someone with narcissistic traits but not full NPD may be quite capable of forming loving, reciprocal relationships. However, those diagnosed with NPD face fundamental challenges that prevent them from experiencing love the way most people understand it.

The Narcissist’s Version of “Love”

When narcissists say “I love you,” they often mean something fundamentally different from what others mean. Mental health professionals describe narcissistic love as transactional, conditional, and ultimately self-serving. Rather than falling in love with an actual person—with all their complexities, flaws, and authentic qualities—narcissists become infatuated with an idealized fantasy of who they want their partner to be.

During the initial stages of a relationship, this can feel incredibly intense and intoxicating. The narcissist engages in what experts call “love bombing”: overwhelming displays of affection, constant attention, grand gestures, and declarations of finding their soulmate. This isn’t manipulation for manipulation’s sake—the narcissist genuinely believes they’ve found perfection. The problem is that they’ve fallen in love with their own projection, not with a real human being.

Why Narcissists Struggle with Genuine Love

The inability to truly love stems from several core deficits associated with NPD. The most significant barrier is a lack of empathy—the capacity to understand and share another person’s feelings. Empathy forms the foundation of authentic love, allowing us to care about someone else’s wellbeing as much as our own. Without it, relationships become fundamentally one-sided.

Narcissists also view relationships through a transactional lens. They see people as tools or objects that serve specific purposes: boosting self-esteem, providing admiration, enhancing their image, or meeting their needs. When someone no longer fulfills these functions adequately, they’re devalued or discarded. This utilitarian approach contradicts the essence of love, which values another person for who they are, not what they provide.

Additionally, narcissists struggle with emotional vulnerability. Genuine love requires the ability to be seen authentically, to admit mistakes, and to allow another person to matter enough that they could hurt us. For narcissists, who’ve often constructed elaborate defenses to protect a fragile ego, this level of vulnerability feels impossibly threatening.

The Relationship Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard

Understanding the typical narcissistic relationship pattern illuminates why these connections feel so confusing. The cycle typically unfolds in three stages.

The idealization phase begins with that intense love bombing. The narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal, showering them with attention and making them feel uniquely special. This phase can last weeks or months, creating powerful emotional bonds and setting expectations for how the relationship will continue.

Inevitably, reality intrudes. The partner reveals human flaws, has needs of their own, or fails to maintain the impossible standard of perfection the narcissist projected onto them. This triggers the devaluation phase, where criticism, contempt, and emotional withdrawal replace the earlier adoration. The partner finds themselves constantly trying to recapture that initial magic, unaware that it was always based on an illusion.

Finally, when the relationship no longer serves the narcissist’s needs, they move to the discard phase—sometimes abruptly ending things or emotionally checking out while maintaining the relationship’s shell.

Can Narcissists Change?

This question matters deeply to those hoping their narcissistic partner might somehow transform. While change is theoretically possible, it’s exceptionally rare for several reasons.

People with NPD rarely seek treatment voluntarily because the disorder prevents them from recognizing problems with their own behavior. They’re more likely to blame relationship failures on their partners’ inadequacies than examine their own patterns. Even when narcissists do enter therapy—often due to external pressure or consequences—the very traits that define NPD make therapeutic progress extremely difficult.

Treatment requires developing empathy, accepting responsibility, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, and working through deep-seated defense mechanisms built over decades. This demands sustained effort, humility, and genuine motivation to change—qualities that conflict with the narcissistic mindset.

Recognizing Your Reality

If you’re questioning whether your partner is capable of loving you, that question itself often reveals important truths. In healthy relationships, partners generally feel secure in their love, even during conflicts. The constant uncertainty, the feeling of walking on eggshells, the cycles of euphoria and devastation—these signal that something fundamental is amiss.

Some signs you may be in a relationship with a narcissist include feeling like you’re never quite good enough, having your reality constantly questioned or dismissed, experiencing extreme highs and lows with little middle ground, feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions and self-esteem, and finding that conversations always circle back to your partner’s needs and perspectives.

Moving Forward

Understanding that someone with NPD cannot love in the traditional sense isn’t about demonizing them. Many narcissists experienced developmental trauma or attachment disruptions that shaped their defensive patterns. However, compassion for their struggles doesn’t obligate you to remain in a relationship that damages your wellbeing.

If you recognize narcissistic patterns in your relationship, consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. They can help you understand the dynamics at play, establish healthy boundaries, and make informed decisions about your future.

The more important question might not be whether narcissists can love, but whether the kind of conditional, self-serving affection they offer meets your needs and supports your emotional health. You deserve a relationship where you’re valued for who you truly are, not who someone fantasizes you could be. That’s not negotiable, and it’s not asking too much—it’s the foundation of genuine love.