Everything is going to fall apart. My child is going to get into an accident. I could never accomplish anything even close to great. I don’t have any special skills. I don’t think that my family will be okay. I probably won’t be able to handle it if something does happen to me or someone I love. No one will like me if they knew what I was really thinking. Last time I spoke my mind, I sounded like an idiot.
Do Any of These Thoughts Sound Familiar?
These thoughts, and many more, play through the minds of anxious people like a song on repeat. These very beliefs reinforce worry, fear, and self-doubt. You might know that these thoughts aren’t helpful to your wellbeing, but still, it feels impossible to stop them.
Instead of trying to stop them, though, I encourage you to take a closer look at your own thoughts and identify the ones that fill your mind with anxiety and worry. Not to judge them or rid yourself of them, just to observe them.
Ask yourself:Are these thoughts facts or merely anxious projections?How can I differentiate between what is a real threat and what is imagined?
When thoughts of worry enter your mind, be aware of the observer within you. This is the real you that dwells beneath the surface of your thoughts. When you observe, you can watch the thoughts that flow through your mind. In those moments of anxiety and worry, if you are able to access yourself, you will have the ability to better distinguish between facts and anxiety driven thoughts.
3 Ways to Shift Your Perspective and Overcome Anxiety
1. Don’t try to stop your thoughts
I am sure that you have tried countless times, to get your anxious thoughts to stop. Most of us are aware that certain thoughts aren’t so useful to us, like when we think of all the “what ifs” and conjure up a ton of worst-case scenarios. However, what stumbles most people isn’t that they have the thoughts, but that they believe them to be true. Though it is important to remember, in those anxious moments, thoughts derived from anxiety aren’t facts, they are merely the most primitive parts of our brain reacting to a perceived threat. So, instead of trying to stop your thoughts, make-an-effort to recognize their presents and the discomfort you feel around them, knowing that they aren’t speaking the truth.
2. Stay present
Worry cannot flourish and blossom if you are fully connected with the present moment. Anxiety happens when we dwell in the past or fear future outcomes. Try to bring yourself here now and live moment to moment, without judgment. This will help you to center yourself and not be drifted away by unfounded anxious feelings.
3. Be proactive
If struggles, difficulties or issues arise in your life and worry comes up in your mind, being proactive can keep you from conjuring up all of the worst-case scenarios. It can also help you to build confidence in yourself to face life’s difficulties. Ask yourself what you are really worried about and if there is something you can do about it. If there is, be proactive and find a way to get through it.
To shift your perspective, watch your thoughts and become aware of any worrisome ideas or feelings that pop up within your consciousness. Remind yourself that those worry-filled thoughts are not facts. Take a moment to accept the anxious thoughts for what they are, find the truth, and bring yourself back to the present moment.
Some types of narcissism are more interpersonally harmful.
Many people age out of narcissism over their lifetime.
In contrast to narcissism, self-esteem often includes prosocial orientation.
Most people know a narcissist—at least in the practical, although not necessarily clinical sense. Usually, this is someone who holds themselves in high esteem and puts themselves first, both personally and professionally, at the expense of others if necessary. Yet, as we age, beauty fades, physical prowess diminishes, and mental acuity declines. Perhaps healthy self-concepts adjust accordingly.
Narcissism impacts not only the individual but also the lives of those around him or her. Although many narcissists are extraverted, flashy, and fun, they also experience relational difficulties, often stemming from some of the same traits that make them popular. If you love a narcissist as a family member, friend, or potential future paramour, research has some positive news for you.
Source: Edward Amezcua / Pixabay
More Than a Number: The Impact of Age
Ulrich Orth et al. (2024) examined the development of narcissism across the lifespan and studied changes over time.1 They describe three models of narcissism. Agentic narcissism is characterized by assertiveness and leadership but also the need for admiration, as well as feelings of grandiosity and superiority. As we might imagine, they note that agentic narcissism results in fewer interpersonal problems as compared to the other two models. Antagonistic narcissism embodies the disagreeable and antisocial facets of narcissism including qualities such as deceitfulness, callousness, arrogance, exploitativeness, a sense of entitlement, and a low level of empathy. Neurotic narcissism is characterized by hypersensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and propensity to experience shame.
Among other things, Orth et al. note that the three-factor model helps to comprehend the relation between the characteristics of different types of narcissism and self-esteem, described as including subjective evaluation of personal worth. They also note that self-esteem and narcissism are distinguished conceptually because high self-esteem is often linked with prosocial attitudes and does not necessarily indicate personal feelings of superiority.
Examining data from 51 samples, including 37,247 participants, Orth et al. found that narcissism usually decreases from age 8 to 77 years, with small differences due to the type of narcissism experienced. They also discuss the concept of rank-order stability, which encompasses the stability of interindividual differences in a construct across time. They note that the rank-order stability of narcissism is high, even across long time periods, suggesting that narcissism should be considered a personality trait.
Is Generation “Me” a Myth?
In terms of popular ideas about whether narcissism is tied to generational differences, Orth et al. found that birth cohort was not a moderator of mean-level change for narcissism factors. The mean year of birth in their samples ranged from 1923 to 2002, and the narcissism trajectory has not changed over the generations, meaning their results fail to support the popular idea that “Generation Me” (people born in the 1970s to 1990s) express more narcissism than previous decades. Orth et al. note, however, that as with some of their other findings, more research would be beneficial here as well.
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The bottom line is that narcissism, even viewed as a personality trait, can change—for the better. With age comes wisdom, acceptance of less-than-perfect traits, and enhanced appreciation of others. With acceptance, love, support, and respect, narcissistic individuals can turn over a new leaf, slowly but surely.
References
1. Orth, Ulrich, Samantha Krauss, and Mitja D. Back. 2024. “Development of Narcissism across the Life Span: A Meta-Analytic Review of Longitudinal Studies.” Psychological Bulletin 150 (6): 643–665. doi:10.1037/bul0000436.
Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.
Female narcissists can be particularly subtle in their manipulations. Unlike the stereotypical overtly aggressive narcissist, many women with narcissistic traits use charm, feigned vulnerability, and indirect tactics to maintain control. One hallmark of female narcissism is deniability—no matter what they do, they can make it appear innocent, misinterpreted, or someone else’s fault. Recognizing these behaviors is critical for protecting yourself in relationships, friendships, or family dynamics (Campbell & Foster, 2007).
The Deniability Tactic
1. Gaslighting as a Core Strategy
Female narcissists often twist reality to make you question your perceptions. This can include denying conversations happened, minimizing their actions, or reframing your reactions as unreasonable. Gaslighting leaves victims doubting their memory, judgment, and even sanity (Stern, 2018).
Example: She sends hurtful messages but claims she “didn’t mean it that way” or “you’re overreacting.”
2. The Victim Role
A female narcissist may frame herself as the innocent party in conflicts. By playing the victim, she gains sympathy from others while simultaneously shifting blame. Research suggests that narcissistic individuals frequently use victimization to manipulate social perception (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001).
Example: She lashes out during an argument but later says, “I was only upset because you hurt me first.”
3. Indirect Manipulation
Unlike overt aggression, female narcissists often employ subtle tactics like passive-aggression, backhanded compliments, or social exclusion. This keeps her manipulations deniable because she can claim she was “just joking” or “didn’t realize it bothered you.”
Example: Making sarcastic comments about your choices in front of friends, then insisting you’re “too sensitive.”
4. Triangulation
Female narcissists frequently involve third parties to create confusion or competition. By denying direct confrontation and involving others, she maintains control while keeping her actions justifiable. Triangulation often fuels jealousy, insecurity, or divided loyalties (Brown, 2016).
Example: She casually mentions someone else’s achievements to make you feel inadequate while acting like she “didn’t mean anything by it.”
5. Charm and Idealization
In the early stages of a relationship or during reconciliation after conflict, female narcissists often use charm, flattery, and affection to regain influence. Because these gestures are usually genuine on the surface, any misbehavior becomes easier to dismiss or rationalize.
Example: After criticizing or undermining you, she suddenly sends thoughtful messages or gifts, leaving you questioning the validity of your hurt feelings.
6. Blame Shifting
When confronted, female narcissists rarely accept responsibility. She may blame you, circumstances, or even other people. This creates confusion and self-doubt, making it difficult to hold her accountable (Ronningstam, 2016).
Example: “If you hadn’t been so sensitive, I wouldn’t have reacted like that.”
Protecting Yourself
Document interactions: Keep texts, emails, or notes of conversations to avoid being gaslighted.
Set clear boundaries: Communicate what behavior is unacceptable and stick to consequences.
Detach emotionally: Recognize that her actions reflect her personality, not your worth.
Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist to maintain perspective and validation.
Why Awareness Matters?
Recognizing the subtle tactics of a female narcissist is key to protecting your mental health. Deniability makes manipulation harder to detect, but understanding these patterns—gaslighting, victim-playing, triangulation, charm, and blame-shifting—helps you reclaim control and emotional clarity.
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, notes: “Narcissists are masters at making their actions seem harmless. Awareness and boundaries are your best tools.”
References
Brown, N. W. (2016). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. The Self, 115–138.
Morf, C. C., & Rhodewalt, F. (2001). Unraveling the paradoxes of narcissism: A dynamic self-regulatory processing model. Psychological Inquiry, 12(4), 177-196.
Ronningstam, E. (2016). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders, 7(3), 203–210.
Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
Toxic communication behaviors can take a serious toll on your mental health, especially when they occur in personal relationships. Two of the most damaging tactics are gaslighting and stonewalling. Both are frequently used by narcissistic or controlling individuals to manipulate, dominate, or isolate their partners, family members, or colleagues. Recognizing these behaviors early is essential to protect your emotional well-being and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember these people do not have a moral compass !
What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your own perceptions, memory, or reality (Stern, 2018). The goal is to create confusion, insecurity, and dependency, often leaving the victim questioning their own judgment.
Common Gaslighting Tactics:
Denying things they said or did, even when you remember them clearly.
Twisting your words to make you feel unreasonable or overly sensitive.
Minimizing your feelings, saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s all in your head.”
Gaslighting can happen gradually over time, making it difficult to recognize. It often leaves victims feeling anxious, frustrated, and questioning their own sense of reality.
What Is Stonewalling?
Stonewalling is another toxic behavior where someone refuses to communicate or engage, often during conflict. It’s a form of emotional withdrawal used to assert control or avoid accountability (Gottman, 1994).
Signs of Stonewalling:
Ignoring texts, calls, or requests to talk.
Giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment after disagreements.
Walking away during conversations and refusing to revisit them.
Stonewalling often amplifies the effects of gaslighting. When someone denies reality and simultaneously refuses to engage in discussion, it can make the victim feel helpless, isolated, and frustrated.
How Gaslighting and Stonewalling Work Together
These two behaviors often appear together in toxic relationships. Gaslighting undermines your confidence and sense of reality, while stonewalling prevents resolution or discussion. The combination keeps the victim emotionally off-balance and dependent on the manipulator for validation.
Example: A partner constantly accuses you of being “too sensitive” (gaslighting), and when you try to respond, they stop replying or walk away (stonewalling). Over time, you may start doubting your feelings and struggle to confront the issues effectively.
Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting and Stonewalling
Document Interactions Keep a record of conversations, texts, or emails. Written proof can help you validate your experience when memory is challenged or reality is distorted.
Set Clear Boundaries Communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and enforce consequences consistently. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your emotional safety.
Detach Emotionally Recognize that the manipulator’s behavior reflects their personality, not your worth. Adopting an observer mindset can prevent you from internalizing blame.
Seek Support Talking with trusted friends, family, or a therapist can help validate your experience, provide perspective, and reduce feelings of isolation.
Practice Self-Care Engage in activities that restore your energy and confidence, such as journaling, exercise, mindfulness, or hobbies. Research shows that mindfulness improves emotional regulation and resilience in stressful relationships (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).
Recognizing the Patterns Early
The key to minimizing damage is early recognition. Gaslighting often starts subtly, and stonewalling can feel like occasional conflict avoidance at first. Pay attention to patterns: repeated denial of reality, emotional withdrawal, and manipulation tactics are warning signs of toxic behavior.
Conclusion
Gaslighting and stonewalling are powerful tools of emotional manipulation. They can leave victims questioning themselves, feeling powerless, and dependent on the manipulator for validation. By recognizing these behaviors, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, you can protect your mental health and maintain clarity in your relationships.
As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, notes: “Recognizing manipulation is the first step toward reclaiming your power and protecting your emotional well-being.”
Your mental health matters. Awareness, boundaries, and support are your best defenses against toxic communication.
References
Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last.
Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056.
Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
Dealing with a narcissistic or toxic family member can be one of the most emotionally draining experiences a person faces. Unlike a coworker or acquaintance, you can’t simply cut ties easily when the individual is your parent, sibling, or close relative. Narcissistic family dynamics are often marked by manipulation, gaslighting, boundary violations, and cycles of love and rejection. Learning how to recognize these behaviors and protect your mental health is essential. Research shows that narcissistic traits are strongly linked to self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control-seeking behaviors (Campbell & Foster, 2007).
Recognizing Narcissistic Family Dynamics
Constant Criticism or Control A narcissistic family member often undermines your confidence, offering harsh criticism under the guise of “helping.” They may also attempt to control your choices, from career to relationships.
Gaslighting and Denial Gaslighting—making you question your memory, perceptions, or feelings—is a hallmark of narcissistic behavior (Stern, 2018). A toxic relative might deny things they said or twist events to make you feel unstable.
Favoritism and Triangulation Narcissists may create competition among siblings or relatives, using favoritism and comparison to stir jealousy and maintain control (Brown, 2016).
Emotional Rollercoasters You may feel loved and appreciated one moment, then rejected or ignored the next. This inconsistency keeps you emotionally hooked, always seeking approval.
Why It’s Harder With Family?
Family ties make boundaries more complicated. Many people feel guilt or obligation to maintain relationships, even when they are unhealthy. Research on family systems shows that toxic dynamics can shape self-esteem and identity well into adulthood (Bowen, 1978). Breaking free from these patterns requires both mindfulness and intentional boundary setting.
Strategies for Protecting Your Mental Health
1. Set and Enforce Boundaries
Boundaries are not punishments—they’re protections. Communicate clearly:
“I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
“If you raise your voice, I’m leaving the conversation.”
Even if the narcissist ignores or pushes back against your limits, consistently holding your ground reinforces your self-respect.
This strategy involves becoming emotionally unreactive. Instead of defending yourself or arguing, keep responses brief and neutral. By refusing to feed into their manipulation, you minimize their control (Stosny, 2013).
3. Detach Emotionally
Recognize that their behavior says more about them than about you. Adopting an observer mindset—where you notice patterns without internalizing blame—helps protect your emotional energy (Ronningstam, 2016).
4. Limit Contact (If Possible)
If interactions are consistently damaging, consider reducing the time you spend with them. In extreme cases, “low contact” or “no contact” may be necessary for healing.
5. Prioritize Self-Care
Counterbalance the negativity by investing in self-care practices: meditation, journaling, therapy, or time with supportive friends. Research shows that mindfulness improves resilience and emotional regulation in stressful relationships (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).
Talking with a therapist or joining a support group can help you validate your experiences and develop coping strategies. A neutral, professional perspective can also reduce feelings of guilt or obligation.
When Guilt Gets in the Way?
One of the hardest aspects of dealing with a toxic family member is guilt. Narcissistic relatives often weaponize family loyalty to keep you tied to unhealthy dynamics. Remember: protecting your mental health is not selfish—it’s necessary.
A useful affirmation is: “I can love my family while also loving myself enough to create boundaries.”
Conclusion
Dealing with a narcissist or toxic family member is challenging, but not impossible. By recognizing the signs of manipulation, setting firm boundaries, and practicing self-care, you can protect your well-being. Family ties do not require you to sacrifice your mental health. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in narcissism, often reminds her clients: “Radical acceptance of who they are sets you free to live your life.”
Protecting yourself does not mean you don’t care about your family—it means you also care about your own peace, healing, and future.
References
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).
Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.
Brown, N. W. (2016). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. The Self, 115–138.
Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056.
Ronningstam, E. (2016). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders, 7(3), 203–210.
Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
Stosny, S. (2013). Living and Loving After Betrayal.
Respect—giving and getting—is an important factor in negotiations and produces best outcomes. Too often children and the elderly are not accorded the respect they deserve. Seeing negotiation as competition limits possibilities for good outcomes.
Source: Ilyasick/Pexels
How to Give and Get Respect in Negotiations?
Respect is an important element of negotiation. It’s important to give respect—and to earn it.
At the outset, it is worth noting that the word “respect” is often misused, as in having “grudging respect” for someone. Grudging respect is usually fear-based at its core. When people comply, obey, or demur out of fear, that is not actually respect, and it is definitely not a healthy basis for negotiations in a relationship (whether personal or professional). When people try to exert power over another (as opposed to power with another), even when successful, there is no earned respect and, therefore, no strong foundation for effective negotiation or superior outcomes.
Having said that, it is possible to respect someone’s achievements without liking how they got there. It is also possible to respect someone’s achievements and the process and still not like the person.
Respect is recognizing someone else’s humanity or personhood. It is seeking to listen to and understand the other person. It is ensuring one does not see other people as mere means to an end. Many think this is tricky in negotiation, but such a view likely stems from a win-lose, zero-sum approach to negotiation as opposed to a collaborative, principled, and integrative approach.
A fixed-mindset approach to negotiations can interfere with the ability to bring the requisite level of respect to the table and so interfere with one’s ability to get better buy-in and better outcomes. People often take such an approach based on widely accepted conditioning and myths about negotiation. These myths include the idea that negotiation is a competition, that successful negotiations are all about toughness ,and that one ought never cede any ground. None of these myths hold any truth.
Self-protection is another key source of interference in one’s ability to give (and so receive) respect in negotiation relationships. When operating from self-protective mode as opposed to self-leadership, people are less able to present the best version of themselves and show respect to other party.
There are many scenarios in which people struggle with respecting the other party in a negotiation, whether consciously or unconsciously. It is worth exploring some to raise one’s intentionality about incorporating respect as a foundation in all one’s negotiations.
Dealing with Children
In negotiating with children, many people do not truly listen or seek to understand and meet the needs of the child. Many do not drop all distractions, give undivided attention, or listen without interrupting or interjecting opinions, suggestions, or interpretations.
Many people tend to exert power over children rather than seek to establish power with them. Adults tend to assume they know best. Such a lack of respect can make children feel unvalued, unimportant, or “less than’”. It also interferes with the ability to come to mutually superior solutions. Perhaps most important, if not giving respect, one is not likely to earn authentic respect. It is important to be intentional about bringing respect to all discussions when negotiating in relationships with children.
This approach becomes even more challenging as children transition into adulthood. For parents, letting go can be difficult. When there is resistance to that, many fail to give the much-needed respect to ensure self-esteem and ability to grow in healthy ways (in their relationship with parents and beyond).
Fears, hopes, and dreams drive the urge to interfere, overwhelm, and smother when what’s needed is a pause, a deep breath, and a perspective shift. When a child’s viewpoint is valued and respected, there is more likely to be reciprocal respect.
Dealing with the Elderly
The challenges of transition as kids grow into adults are echoed in dealing with elderly people. Many tend to drop the ball in negotiating a relationship with aging parents (or other seniors) as well. This often stems from fear. It can be difficult to see once seemingly all-knowing and powerful parents decline, and many people respond by imposing personal views. After a lifetime of contribution, respect is deserved.
Dealing with Coworkers
In the workplace, as coworkers grow, develop, and transition to next levels, it can be difficult to accommodate such changes. Many continue to treat former subordinates as underlings and, in so doing, disrespect them and damage the relationship in the process.
Dealing with Mental Health Issues
It is important to consider how much respect is due to people with mental health issues. Too often,, a dismissive, disrespectful approach is often taken in such situations. It is important to give respect and trust, attend to verbal and nonverbal communication, and be intentional about understanding the issue(s) from the other person’s perspective. It is important not to try to “help” by exerting power over them.
In any negotiation, whether personal or professional, it is important to remember to give respect, and it will be reciprocated. In so doing, better outcomes can be achieved with corresponding better relationships and buy
Cindy Watson, B.A., LLB, JD, is the founder of Women On Purpose and creator of the Art of Feminine Negotiation programs. She’s also the founder and managing partner of Watson Labour Lawyers, as an attorney specializing in social justice law for 30 years.
How do you know you have a toxic family or family member? You may feel anxious or nervous when you have to interact with them. You may feel drained and overwhelmed when speaking with them. They may be addicted to drama, tend to overreact emotionally, and create scenes in public or within a family. They may be emotionally immature for their age and may share personal things you said to them in confidence with other people to harm you. Worse, you may feel confused, manipulated, and emotionally harmed after interacting with them. Also, when you assert your emotional and physical boundaries with them, they become angry because they don’t respect your limits.
Naturally, every family has disagreements. We have the most to learn from our differences and often learn from those we love. However, while all families have disagreements and conflicts, toxic family systems use extremely unhealthy ways of interacting with each other and resolving conflict. While conflict and tension are inevitable in any family, the manner the way the conflict is handled is what differentiates a healthy family system from a toxic family system.
Chronic toxic behaviors by one or more family members can cause emotional harm. In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to other members. These emotionally violent behaviors can cause depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness for the victims and even the whole family system. While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, post-traumatic stress, and mental injury.
Family Emotional Violence
Research supports the idea that a certain level of “aggression” is a “normal” part of family life. These levels are usually culturally-approved (Barnett, Miller-Perrin, & Perrin, 2011). For example, in Western cultures, many healthy families and couples may lose their tempers or say hurtful things to each other on occasion.
However, if these harmful tactics—combined with conflict avoidance (gossiping, criticism, pitting, splitting)—become consistent ways of resolving problems, a toxic family dynamic may occur. Unfortunately, one toxic family member or “bad apple” can cause significant damage to an entire family system.
Psychological Bullying
While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, stress, and mental injury. In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined as “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to a group. A hallmark of a toxic person is the severe harm she/he can cause to a group: workplace, family, or even government.
For instance, in a family, a toxic sister, aunt, mother, or cousin can cause relationship harm between family members. They may split and pit family members against each other (toxic behavior), usually by lying for their own personal gain. This form of psychological bullying is quite harmful to family members and may manifest in depression, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, or post-traumatic stress symptoms in many family members.
Sometimes, these family members causing destruction are suffering from their own mental health problems, often undiagnosed. According to Dr. George Simon, these may be disturbances of character. In medical terms, perpetrators may be suffering from a diagnosis on the personality disorder spectrum (American Psychiatric Association, 2014).
Dangerous Family Members: Pathological Personality
The connection between psychopathic traits and crime is well-researched, but the rate of victimization within families and relatives is lacking research and is not fully understood (Leedom, 2017). However, psychologists find the clinical problem of personality disorders is increasingly prevalent among patients who create toxic family dynamics.
A personality disorder is a pervasive lifelong pattern of behavior that leads to distress or impairment. They can have significant impairment in ways of seeing other people, themselves, and events. They also usually have impairments in emotional maturity. In addition, they can have affective problems, such as an inability to regulate their emotional responses.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), these include diagnoses such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders. Sociopathy and psychopathy are used in popular culture to describe personalities and behaviors on this spectrum, but these are not actual diagnoses found in the DSM-5. It can be very confusing to the public and clinicians alike because there is so much comorbidity or overlap between symptoms and behaviors of personality disorders.
Is the Specific Diagnosis Important?
Experts agree that there is significant overlap among the many personality disorders. The American Psychiatric Association (2013) has proposed an alternative model for conceptualizing personality disorders in the future because of this problem with comorbidity across personality disorders. For example, there are similar traits and behaviors between Narcissistic, Borderline, and Antisocial personality disorders. The alternative DSM-5 model includes general criteria for a personality disorder, a person who has impairments in personality functioning, or one or more pathological personality traits.
Within the family system context, however, an actual diagnosis is not as important as recognizing patterns of those who suffer from personality disorders and how they may affect your family.
Are They “Treatable”?
Personality disorders are far more serious than many other mental health disorders because they are difficult to treat. This is for two reasons:
1. Treatment resistance—i.e., those with personality disorders don’t understand they have the problem and blame others.
2. It is difficult to treat a personality because they are ingrained personality traits—unlike, for example, a mood disorder.
Whether or not they seek (or respond to) treatment, what you can do is recognize and understand these “clinically disturbed” people in your life, regardless of specific diagnostic labels. According to George Simon, Ph.D., author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People in Your Life, it is important to recognize certain behaviors to mitigate the damage of interacting with these types of “clinically disturbed” people.
Toxic Family Dynamics
Unsure if you’re dealing with a toxic family member or toxic family dynamics? These behaviors may indicate that things have turned toxic by the presence of emotional drama:
Splitting: Planting seeds where jealousy, resentment, and anger will flourish (covert).
Pitting: Setting family members against each other, usually through dishonesty (covert).
Triangulation: Do not confront each other directly and triangulate another family member (covert).
Smear Campaigns: Premediated efforts to tarnish another person’s reputation and character usually by lying and deceit, often delusional in nature (covert).
Chronic disrespect and contempt.
Pathological lying
Becomes angry and protests when you assert boundaries.
Verbal assaults (overt (obvious) and covert (behind the scenes).
Unfortunately, many families with a history of adverse childhood experiences or adult children of alcoholics may think these family dynamics are “normal.” And they may be normal—but are they healthy? If they are chronically causing you distress and impairment, including anxiety and depression, you may need to re-assess your exposure.
The issue of distancing and estrangement from toxic family members is a very complicated and personal one. This is one of the most asked questions in my private practice. The next series of articles will cover the issue of emotional distancing strategies, estrangement, and resolution.
In a world that often feels overwhelming, managing stress and anxiety can be a daily challenge. While these feelings are a normal part of life, when they become chronic, they can take a significant toll on your mental and physical health. The good news is that you have a powerful tool at your disposal: mindfulness. This practice isn’t just about finding a moment of calm—it’s about fundamentally changing your relationship with stressful thoughts and anxious feelings.
Understanding the Connection
Stress and anxiety often stem from our thoughts about the past or worries about the future. We get caught in a cycle of “what if” scenarios, reliving past events, and anticipating future problems. This mental time travel prevents us from being present and can trigger our body’s stress response.
Mindfulness helps us break this cycle by teaching us to stay anchored in the here and now. By observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can begin to see them for what they are—just thoughts and feelings, not absolute truths. This simple shift in perspective can create a powerful buffer against the cascade of stress and anxiety.
Practical Mindfulness Techniques
Here are a few simple exercises you can use to manage stress and anxiety in the moment.
The 3-Minute Breathing Space
This exercise is designed to be used when you feel overwhelmed.
Step 1: Awareness. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Acknowledge what’s happening. What thoughts are you having? How are you feeling emotionally? Where do you feel these sensations in your body?
Step 2: Gathering. Gently guide your attention to the sensation of breathing. Focus on the rise and fall of your abdomen or the feeling of air moving in and out of your nostrils. Let your breath be an anchor, grounding you in the present moment.
Step 3: Expanding. Expand your awareness from your breath to your entire body. Notice any sensations you feel—the pressure of your feet on the floor, the weight of your clothes on your skin, or the temperature of the air. Acknowledge these sensations without trying to change them.
Mindful Walking
Mindful walking can be a powerful way to relieve anxious energy. Instead of rushing from one place to another, try to be fully present with each step. Notice the feeling of your foot lifting and then placing itself back down on the ground. Pay attention to the rhythm of your body’s movement and the sights and sounds around you.
Body Scan Meditation
This practice involves systematically bringing your attention to different parts of your body. You can do this lying down or sitting comfortably. Start with your toes and slowly move your focus up through your body, noticing any sensations you feel. This helps you reconnect with your physical self and can release built-up tension.
The Long-Term Benefits
Consistent mindfulness practice trains your brain to be less reactive to stress. It strengthens the neural pathways associated with calm and focus and can even change the structure of your brain over time. By regularly dedicating a few minutes to being present, you can build resilience and find a greater sense of peace and well-being.
Have you ever been so engrossed in an activity that hours seemed to melt away? Where every action felt effortless, and you were performing at your absolute best? This state of complete immersion and enjoyment is known as “flow,” a concept popularized by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Understanding and intentionally cultivating flow can unlock peak performance, boost creativity, and significantly increase your overall happiness.
What Exactly is Flow?
Flow is an optimal state of consciousness where you feel and perform your best. It’s a mental state in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. Essentially, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.
Imagine a musician lost in a complex piece, a surgeon meticulously performing an operation, or an athlete perfectly executing a play. In these moments, individuals are experiencing flow. They are not thinking about distractions, self-doubt, or the passage of time. They are simply doing.
Key Characteristics of the Flow State:
Csikszentmihalyi identified several core elements that are typically present when someone is in a state of flow:
Clear Goals: You know exactly what you need to achieve. The task’s objectives are well-defined.
Immediate Feedback: You instantly know how well you’re doing and can adjust your actions accordingly.
A Balance Between Challenge and Skill: The task is challenging enough to be engaging but not so difficult that it causes frustration. It stretches your abilities without overwhelming them.
Action and Awareness Merge: Your actions become automatic, almost unconscious. You’re not actively thinking about what you’re doing; you’re just doing it.
Exclusion of Distractions: You’re so focused that all irrelevant thoughts and worries fade away.
No Worry of Failure: Self-consciousness disappears, and there’s no fear of judgment or making mistakes.
Transformation of Time: Time perception becomes distorted. Hours can feel like minutes, or vice-versa.
Autotelic Experience: The activity itself is intrinsically rewarding. You engage in it for the sheer joy of doing it, not for external rewards.
Why is Flow So Powerful?
Flow isn’t just about feeling good; it has profound benefits for various aspects of your life:
Increased Productivity and Performance: When you’re in flow, you’re working at your peak efficiency and effectiveness. Complex problems become easier to solve, and tasks are completed with greater precision.
Enhanced Learning and Skill Development: The challenge-skill balance inherent in flow pushes you to develop new abilities and master existing ones.
Greater Creativity: With distractions removed and self-consciousness gone, your mind is free to make novel connections and generate innovative ideas.
Boosted Happiness and Well-being: Flow experiences are deeply satisfying and contribute significantly to overall life satisfaction. They provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Being fully immersed in a task provides a respite from daily worries and mental clutter.
How to Cultivate More Flow in Your Life:
While flow often happens spontaneously, you can create conditions that make it more likely to occur:
Choose Meaningful Challenges: Engage in activities that genuinely interest you and offer a clear sense of purpose.
Define Clear Goals: Before starting a task, know exactly what you aim to accomplish. Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps.
Seek Immediate Feedback: Choose activities that provide instant feedback on your progress. If not naturally present, create your own feedback loops (e.g., tracking your progress, getting input from others).
Match Challenge to Your Skill Level: Find the sweet spot where a task is neither too easy (leading to boredom) nor too hard (leading to anxiety). Continuously adjust the challenge as your skills grow.
Eliminate Distractions: Create an environment conducive to deep work. Turn off notifications, find a quiet space, and minimize interruptions.
Practice Mindfulness and Focus: Engage in activities that train your attention, such as meditation or focused breathing exercises, to improve your ability to concentrate.
Embrace the Process: Shift your focus from the outcome to the experience of the activity itself. Find joy in the journey.
Set Aside Dedicated “Flow Time”: Schedule specific blocks of time for activities where you intend to enter a flow state.
Examples of Flow Activities:
Flow can be found in almost any activity, from professional pursuits to hobbies:
Hobbies: Playing a musical instrument, painting, sculpting, gardening, rock climbing, running, playing chess, coding a personal project.
Daily Life: Cooking a complex meal, engaging in a deeply engrossing conversation, reading a captivating book.
Conclusion
The pursuit of flow isn’t just a psychological theory; it’s a practical framework for living a more engaged, productive, and joyful life. By consciously structuring your activities and environment to meet the conditions for flow, you can unlock your full potential and experience the profound satisfaction of being completely absorbed in what you love to do.
Young business woman hand with pencil writing on notebook. Woman hand with pencil writing on notebook and working at coffee shop.
