Does Your Narcissistic Partner View You as a Trophy?

Are you dating someone who can’t pass a mirror without sneaking a peak at a polished appearance, or never misses an opportunity to showcase accomplishments or achievements? If you suspect you are dating a narcissist, and especially if “date nights” consist of see-and-be-seen galas and functions instead of private time together, you might justifiably worry that your partner views you as an arm charm, not as an intimate.

Narcissists not only see current partners as trophies—as I have explained in a previous entry[i]—but keep trophies from past relationships. They keep inanimate objects associated with past relationships, not out of nostalgia but as symbols of relational success.[ii] If you suspect you are dating someone with narcissistic tendencies, does that mean you are a trophy, too? Research has some answers.

Source: Image by Living Frames from Pixabay

Narcissists Navigate Partner Value

Not everyone who displays self-centered tendencies is a narcissist—either practically or clinically. But dater beware: some charming and attractive people who display narcissistic tendencies may pursue partners not out of true love, but self-love.

Carrie Haslam and V. Tamara Montrose (2015) in an article entitled “Should Have Known Better”[iii] discuss the strength of female attraction to the narcissistic personality, including wanting to mate with and marry self-absorbed partners. They define narcissism as a member of The Dark Triad, a trio of problematic personality types which also includes Machiavellianism and psychopathy. More prevalent in men than women, they note that narcissism includes traits such as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feelings of entitlement, vanity, self-sufficiency, and manipulation. They note that narcissists rank high in extraversion but low in agreeableness, which might contribute to how most of us perceive such individuals: flashy and fun at first impression, but bad news in the long term.

Haslam and Montrose explain that despite the negative qualities, narcissistic men also possess qualities linked with higher status and the ability to provide resources—traits that are desirable in both short and long-term mating scenarios. They also explain how narcissists choose partners.

Competing for the Trophy

In addition to reproductive benefits, narcissistic men select partners who will make them look good. Haslam and Montrose note that narcissists are attracted to individuals with high social status who can provide image enhancement by association. Combined with a lack of relational commitment, this desire to accessorize through attractive partners can create a scenario where narcissistic individuals are constantly looking for relational alternatives who are more attractive or higher in status.

In contemplating whether your partner pursued you out of love, attraction, or self-enhancement, here are a few factors to consider.

How to Evaluate Whether You Are a Partner or an Arm Charm

Consider whether your paramour seeks to spend quality time with you or is more interested in showing you off. Healthy relationships are characterized by a desire to enjoy private time with a special person, not display a partner as a public symbol of success. If date nights consistently involve dinners at crowded, trendy restaurants or gala functions with paparazzi snapping photos for the local society column, you can justifiably conclude that motive matters.

Also, consider how your partner articulates your positive traits. Does he compliment you on your compassion or clothing? Your sensitivity or sense of style? Narcissists demonstrate they do not value you as a personal package if they are only focused on the shiny wrapping and bow, preferring flash over substance. Although you may be flattered by their positive attention, consider the motives behind the admiration.

One of the biggest and most obvious red flags is that a narcissist who sees you as a prize, not a person, is unlikely to express interest in learning about you. That means asking few if any personal questions, preferring superficial over serious. It is best to recognize the narcissistic personality sooner rather than later, to shake off the rose-colored glasses to see your way clearly to finding a relational alternative that values you as an individual, not an accessory.