Ghosting, simmering, and icing – What are they?

Ghosting, simmering, and icing are colloquial terms that describe the practice of suddenly ending all communication avoiding contact with another person without any apparent warning or explanation, and ignoring any subsequent attempts to communicate.^[1][2][3] 

“When a person is ghosted, even if they try to reach out to the other person to reconnect or receive closure, they are typically silent.”

Source: Navarro R, Larrañaga E, Yubero S, Víllora B. Psychological Correlates of Ghosting and Breadcrumbing Experiences: A Preliminary Study among Adults. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2020;17(3):1116. doi:10.3390/ijerph1

 As you can see, it’s called ghosting because it involves someone essentially “vanishing” into thin air as if they were a ghost.

Signs of Ghosting

Ghosting is often apparent, but it can also be a gradual process. The other person might start by ‘soft ghosting,’ where they progressively minimize contact over some time. Some early signs that someone might be ghosting you include:

• “They frequently cancel plans to hang out, have a hard time committing, avoid sharing personal details, don’t want you to meet their loved ones, disappear from social media, seldom reply to your texts or calls, and their conversations lack depth, making them seem uninterested.”

Ghosting is a trait that can also happen on social media platforms. It refers to cutting off all social media contact with another person without explaining. This may involve unfriending, unfollowing, or blocking the person on all social media. In some instances, the person may even go as far as deactivating or deleting their social media accounts to prevent any form of contact

Though a new term, ghosting existed well before the digital age. “I think references of ‘going for a loaf of bread and never coming back’ are examples of ghosting,” says Bree Jenkins, LMFT, a dating coach in Los Angeles, Calif. “Ghosting used to be leaving a person and moving away or not leaving [them with] your contact information—its earlier origins are even the simple act of leaving a party or social gathering without notice and goodbyes.”

Why Do Some People Choose to Ghost?

Ghosting is often viewed as an immature or passive-aggressive way to end a relationship, and in some cases, it may even constitute emotional abuse.

There are two primary reasons why a person ghosts another, and often, it’s a combination of the two.

It’s the Easy Route

The first reason some people choose to ghost others is that they find it easier to avoid uncomfortable conversations about ending the relationship.

The ghost often wants to avoid confrontation or dealing with another person’s hurt feelings, so they cease all communication and hope the hint is delivered.

Option Overload and Fatigue

“Margaret Seide, MD, a board-certified psychiatrist based in New York City, explains that internet dating offers seemingly infinite choices instead of walking into a bar with limited options. Due to the many choices, online daters tend to quickly move on to the next potential match with an “OK, next” or “Yeah, but what else?” mindset. Although the person they are interacting with may be nice, they may not cut because they are juggling multiple other people.