How to Talk to the Most Difficult People by Wendy Patrick Ph.d

Source: Image by Mircea Iancu from Pixabay

We have all been there: deciding what to say in an emotional situation to comfort, appease, satisfy, or otherwise address interpersonal conflict. Researchers have studied verbal de-escalation in a variety of settings, from mental health to law enforcement to customer service, and arrived at some strategies for success that can assist a wider population both personally and professionally.

Empathy, Authenticity, and Accommodation

Margot van Mulken (2024) explored what types of verbal de-escalation techniques are successful when used by webcare workers—customer service employees who successfully satisfied complainants online.[i] She identified 13 linguistic and rhetorical features that helped to facilitate de-escalation grouped into three main categories that helped to appease a complainant: empathy, authenticity, and verbal accommodation.

Van Mulken defines empathy as including expressions of gratitude, as well as positive evaluations and expressions of sympathy that transmit an attitude of building rapport. She notes that responding with empathy involves a willingness to view a situation from another person’s perspective as well as communicating the ability to identify the feelings the other person has expressed, as well as why. In this fashion, the webcare employees in her study were able to express warmth and compassion with the situation faced by customers, from the customer’s perspective.

Authenticity emphasizes responding in a fashion that is humane, not automated, which increases the perceived credibility and trustworthiness of the respondent. Van Mulken explained that when employees carefully craft responses in a fashion that avoids routine and scripted dialog, complainants are more receptive to the answer. The perception of tailor-made responses allows authenticity to signal responder sincerity, which may help disarm the recipient.

Van Mulken identifies accommodation as a dimension that emphasizes the closeness of the employee to the customer. Overcoming physical and social distance may be accomplished through accommodation features such as emphasizing common ground, stimulating dialogue, and encouraging further contact, techniques that prolong interaction and build relationships. Van Mulken notes that verbally emphasizing proximity allows employees to downplay the severity of the offense and suggest that the employee and customer are on equal footing.

Diffusing Differences Through Dialog

Van Mulken notes that the techniques she identified in her research may be useful to diffuse arguments in domains other than customer service. As a practical matter, knowing how to de-escalate a situation can be of benefit in a variety of scenarios. Clearly, no one should endure threatening behavior or verbal abuse. But because conflict is inevitable within many types of relationships, here are a few ways to use de-escalation words in different settings and situations.