Sex Ed 2.0: The Conversations We Missed

I remember my high school sex ed class vividly (it’s not why you think).

It wasn’t because of the awkward conversations or overly detailed diagrams. I recall so much from that class because it was the first time I heard an adult (in this case an over muscled gym teacher) talk about their own sexual experiences, including how he was thinking about it at the time. And he shared all of this with a room full of teenage boys who were eager to one up each other with inappropriate remarks and observations. It was awesome.

Though it was fun, I also legitimately learned a lot. It wasn’t lost on me that the most important lessons I picked up weren’t in the official curriculum or in a textbook. That’s because the text and handouts were all about biology and basic facts. It all skipped the psychology behind physical intimacy. Implausibly, and perhaps accidentally, the oversharing gym teacher touched more on the “why” of sex, the motivations, and even some of the mind games.

They were essential conversations that I’m sure many missed.

I’m going to do something similar, though without the personal play-by-play detailed stories. I’m going to share research on some lesser discussed, but important, aspects of sex and physical intimacy that will help you navigate dating and relationships.

When Feeling Hot to Him, Leaves Her Feeling Hollow

It feels good to feel wanted. People workout, watch what they eat, and buy cute outfits to draw attention and sexual interest. It might seem harmless, even flattering, when someone checks you out or compliments your looks, especially if you’re open to single and looking for sexual attention.

Research shows, that can go too far. In particular, men often objectify a woman by reducing her value down to her physical appearance (Szymanski et al., 2010). Perhaps due to its frequency, sexual objectification of women may seem normal.

But there are consequences. In a series of studies, when women felt desired, they reported feeling closer and more satisfied in their relationship (Ramsey et al., 2016). However, feeling objectified had the opposite effect.

Before we blame guys entirely, what if women welcomed being sexualized (or at least weren’t opposed)? The thought was that this may serve as a buffer against the harmful objectification. What they found was that this only increased men’s objectification which further weakened the relationship. Similarly, other research finds that when women are sexualized others view them as less authentic and competent, and more self-promotional (Vendetta, 2024). When you feel that way about your partner, it’s hard for that to make a relationship stronger.

Shoot Your Shot (Even If You Miss)

If you’re feeling it, go for it. Research shows that making a move can boost your relationship, even if it doesn’t lead to sex (Dobson et al., 2020). Their data show that when your partner accepts your advance, it can bump up your sexual and relationship satisfaction for the day and even into the next day.

If you get rejected, it can sting a little, and dip your mood for up to 48 hours. But here’s the twist: just having your partner try to initiate something sexy (whether you say yes or no) can make you feel more desired and satisfied for up to three days. Don’t overthink it. Go ahead and shoot your shot. Even if you miss and it doesn’t go anywhere, the effort itself matters.

When One of You is in the Mood… and the Other’s Not

Partners don’t always want the same thing at the same time. You’re in the mood, and your partner is in the middle of binge-watching Love Island.

This mismatch, known as sexual desire discrepancy, is one of the top reasons couples end up in therapy (Vowels & Mark, 2020). But instead of panicking or giving up on your love life, there are actually smart, relationship-boosting strategies to deal with the discrepancy.

A study explored how 229 people in long-term relationships navigate mismatched desire (Vowels & Mark, 2020). They uncovered 17 strategies grouped into five larger categories:

1. Disengaging (like avoiding intimacy)
2. Communicating (talking it out)
3. Going Solo (hello, “self-care”)
4. Doing Something Non-sexual Together (bonding without the sex)
5. Sometimes Having Sex Anyway

The real winners? Strategies that involved both partners working together, and not just going it alone. In fact, the more helpful people found their chosen strategy, the more satisfied they were in both their sex lives and the relationship more generally. So the takeaway? When desire’s out of sync, don’t just suffer in silence.

The key isn’t perfect passion 24/7, it’s communication, collaboration, and knowing which tools can actually bring you closer, even when you’re not always on the same page (or in the same mood).

Beyond Vanilla: The Science of Sexual Adventure

We all know that couple, the ones who seem to keep their spark alive while everyone else suffers through their mundane lives. What’s their secret?

Scientists wanted to see if they could better understand what created more sexual sparks (Rosa et al., 2019). To do this they surveyed 352 Americans (204 women, 146 men, 2 non-report) about their bedroom habits. They found that sexually adventurous people aren’t just born that way, instead they share key traits:

• they watch porn
• have active fantasy lives
• are deeply committed to equal partnerships
• already have regular sex

Couples who engaged in those behaviors, were more likely to crave and practice sexual novelty with their partner.

Researchers also followed up with 244 of them two weeks later to see if certain types of persuasive messages helped them incorporate more sexual novelty. The results show that simply hearing persuasive messages helped. Those included:

• fear-based warnings about bedroom boredom
• personal success stories
• practical how-to examples

Each of those encouraged people to be more willing to try new sexy moves with their partners. So if your sex life’s stuck in neutral, some honest conversation (or even a well-timed “how-to” podcast) might be the ignition you need.

Does a “Dead Bedroom” Mean a Doomed Relationship?

What if all of that doesn’t work? Is a sexless relationship destined to fail? Not necessarily. While “dead bedrooms,” as Reddit calls them, or sexless marriages aren’t super common, research from Georgia State University shows that many couples in these low- or no-sex relationships are surprisingly stable and not rushing for the exits (Donnelly & Burgess, 2008). Sure, some hold onto hope that sex will return, but many find satisfaction in other areas like shared goals, hobbies, personal growth, or simply the comfort of a deep bond. The takeaway? There’s no universal definition of “enough” sex. For some couples, emotional connection matters more than getting busy, and that can be perfectly okay.

Get Under to Get Over? Rebound & Revenge Sex

Sometimes relationships don’t work, and you have to deal with the aftermath. Breakups suck and there’s all kinds of advice about how to move on. A common piece of advice is that the best way to get over an ex is to get under someone else. Enter revenge and rebound sex: the oh-so-tempting idea that hopping into someone else’s bed might help you feel better or teach your ex a lesson they won’t forget.

Sounds spicy, but do these strategies actually work?

According to a study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior, about 35% of participants reported rebound sex and 23% went the revenge route within a month of their split. Most of these hookups happened when the breakup wounds were still fresh, and the urge faded over time. But here’s the kicker: despite all the steamy action, neither revenge nor rebound sex led to a noticeable boost in self-esteem or a drop in distress or anger. So while turning heartbreak into a hookup might feel empowering in the moment, don’t count on it as a long-term fix, it’s more of a sexy Band-Aid than a cure.

Conclusion

Great relationships and great sex aren’t about the basic biology or even having all the right moves. It’s about showing up with honesty, curiosity, and care, learning how to deal with rejection and how to spice things up. When we focus on the psychology behind our connections, things get a lot more real, and a lot more rewarding.

PHOTO CREDIT: Benjamin Esakof/Halo Creative Group, LLC