The Ghosting Habit: A Candid Look at the Psychology and How to Break the Cycle
Ghosting has become one of the most common dating issues that many people have encountered. Haven’t we all heard the sad and painful stories on one side of the ghosting situation. BUT have you ever considered turning the lens to the Ghoster. Why do they do that? What is the psychology behind it?
If you have felt the urge to vanish, just to avoid the text, awkward conversation then this article is for you!
Ghosting is often considered rude by the receiver but for the doers it is more like a coping mechanism. Understanding why is the most crucial first step towards breaking the cycle and entering a healthy relationship!
The Psychology of the Ghoster: It’s Not (Just) About Them
Ghosting is rarely a malicious decision. Thus, it is often symptoms of discomfort or emotional patterns. Here are a few psychological drivers for such behavior:
- The Fear of Confrontation: Confrontation is not easy when you think “Is this working?”. This question alone triggers anxiety and silence seems easier than answering the uncomfortable questions or expressing anger. You convince yourself that disappearing is the “KINDER” solution to avoid hurting others’ feelings but in reality, NO!
- Emotional Immaturity: Ghosting is like a failed response to emotional regulation. You are overwhelmed, the situation is too complex to handle so it is better to disappear, shut down. You seek comfort for yourself in that moment but emotional intelligence is suffering.
- The Disposing Culture of Dating Apps: The dating options are so many when using an app. It lacks the connection since the chatting starts to fade with one person over the others. You think it is just a conversation and acts like it had no consequences.
- The Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style: If you like your independence and freedom over an intimate relationship, then Ghosting is your escape.
Breaking the Cycle: From Ghosting to Graceful Endings
If you have acknowledged the habit then changing it makes you an Active and Intentional dater. Again, it is not easy but you were brave enough to acknowledge it then it might be not an issue!
- Reframe Ghosting as Self-Sabotage
When you ghost someone, you are sabotaging your growth. You miss the chance to communicate yourself and set boundaries, which is crucial in a healthy long intimate relationship. Ask yourself, “Am I communicating my needs from a partnership?”, “What do I need my partnership to be like?”
- Develop a “Closure Script”
Anxiety of speaking of breaking up is also a reason for ghosting. The best way of doing it is by a well-written and respectful script. It should be short, precise and kind. Try, “Hi, I really enjoyed the time we have spent. After much thinking, I don’t feel a romantic connection between us. I’m looking to move forward. My well wishes!”
There are 4 parts in this script you need to focus on. First, it is clear. Then, you have stated that you had a great time in their company. Third, you are talking about your feelings which is not a debate. Lastly, you are wishing them to have a good life!
- The GOLDEN 24-Hour Rule
We call it golden because it saves you from bringing in damage when panicked. When you panic, the first thing you will do is block or delete the number of the person or overwhelm yourself.
Stop, give yourself 24-hours to cool off. No texting in between. This rule will help you control the urge to flee and tolerance to emotional discomfort, too. Finally, you will find the courage to send the scripted message.
- Practice “Low-Stakes” Honesty
All you need is to understand how to communicate. Be humble and clear what you want. For example you want to cancel a plan, “I really appreciate that we have a plan but I won’t be able to join.” Practice will make it less intimidating.
The Dating Expert’s Bottom Line
Ghosting culture creates anxiety and trust issues for the doer and receiver. But you can choose to be mature and convey your feelings instead of leaving someone hanging by a thread. Ghosting is about self-doubt and anxiety of inevitable causes. But once you break this habit, you will be confident, and that’s attractive in dating!
