How to Control Your Jealousy in a Relationship: A Guide to Self-Security

Jealousy- That feeling of anxiety, anger, and sadness in your chest. The “What-ifs” make it hard to think about the situation and let your mind perceive the situation as a threat. Jealousy is like an alarm that activates when you have a deeply rooted insecurity, feeling of inadequacy or even fear of loss. There is a difference between Jealousy and Envy

Jealousy can ruin relationships! You start monitoring every move of your partner, and you invade their privacy and boundaries. But it will make you more jealous and angry. Let’s turn this opportunity to learn more about self-security. This guide will help you understand the roots of jealousy and how to overcome it.

Understanding the True Roots of Your Jealousy

Jealousy is rarely about your partner. The root cause of the jealousy is some fear hiding within your core. It is important to identify them first!

• Low Self-Worth: You often think that you are not enough for your partner. Therefore, seeing them laughing with anyone ignites the flame of jealousy in you.  Your low self-esteem is fueling jealousy and you think of the inappropriate behavior of your partner, to find someone more valuable.
• Fear of Abandonment: You are always anxious that your partner will leave you all of a sudden. This is the most common root. Thus, this fear makes you hyper-vigilant and make you see anyone with your partner as a competition.
• Past Betrayal or Trauma: If you’ve been cheated on or hurt before, then jealousy is a natural reaction wired to the brain. It’s like ghosts of the past relationships are haunting you and it’s nothing to do with your current partner.

How To Stop Jealousy:

Here are a few strategies that will help you cope up with your inner insecurities and main root of jealousy:

1.   Cognitive Strategies: Rewire Your Anxious Thoughts

It is all about your mind. You need to know your “Jealousy story”.

• Ask yourself what you are afraid of?
• What you are feeling, anger?sad?
• What is the first thought that comes to your mind when you see your partner with someone? Are they flirting?
• What do you think is going to happen to you? Will your partner leave you? Are you unlovable?

When you start writing your narrative of the situation your emotions separate from the truth. You will soon realize that you are reacting to what you are afraid of.

After that, look into facts. “What proof do I have of my partner flirting, or cheating?” Try replacing this question with a thought, “I need to trust my partner. I am loved and a valuable person who mutually works through this relationship”.

Now, Take a deep breath. Practice mindfulness and let yourself anchor to the present, not into your thoughts.

2.   Behavioral Strategies: Foster Trust and Security

Let us focus on creating healthy boundaries and communication with the partner:

• Tell them how you feel. If you are feeling insecure about them not spending time with you and you are trying to be honest in the most calm way possible.  The goal is not to blame or gaslighting each other, just to convey feelings to turn the moment into an opportunity to connect.
• Setting a healthy boundary can help you from taking a drastic or harsh step. Let them have some time to themselves or with their friends or family. It is better to discuss how much time with your partner.
• Focus on yourself. When your partner is having time for themselves, you need that time too. Start a hobby or rekindle old ones. Work on your personal or career goals in the meantime.
• Practice Self-love: You must acknowledge that you are unique in your own way. You are not dependent on the relationship. It is part of your life, not your entire life. You need to love yourself in order to love others truly.

3.   When to Seek Professional Help

• If jealous behavior is aggressive like having crying fits or yelling.
• You have paranoid and obsessive thoughts regarding your partners and anyone around them.
• We can’t stop yourself from snooping on their phone, social media and private accounts even after setting the boundaries.

It’s ok to seek a therapist to determine the true root of such attachment issues and behaviors.

Final Thoughts

Self-reflection and acceptance is the best way to handle the jealousy inside you. It is a tough journey to recognise the triggers, the root cause and to control jealousy but it is all worth it in the end. It will make you confident, stronger and most importantly save your relationship. Therefore, you need to put trust in each other. That is what love and relationships are all about!