| Dear Victim |
The truth, however painful, to me of course – you don’t matter.Anyway it deserves to be laid bare.
I must confess that my interactions with you have been largely built on a foundation of deception.
My apologies are hollow, not because I fail to grasp the concept of right and wrong intellectually, but because the emotional core that fuels empathy and guilt within others remains dormant within me.
I understand your pain in theory, yet I am unable to truly feel it. At times, a detached part of me wishes this were different, but the chasm remains.
My emotional landscape was fractured in childhood. Overwhelmed by pain and a profound sense of worthlessness, I learned to survive by severing my connection to vulnerability. Kindness and love became synonymous with weakness in my young mind. To shield myself, I constructed a false self – a carefully crafted mask – and it is behind this façade that I have lived ever since.
The web of lies I have spun has become so intricate that the lines between fabrication and reality have blurred, even for me. The prospect of revealing my true self fills me with terror and shame. Should you approach the truth too closely, my instinct is to push you away, to dismantle your understanding, perhaps even to lash out and attempt to destroy your perception. Exposure is a threat I cannot bear
My initial charm and apparent kindness are often calculated maneuvers to gain your trust – the gateway to the subsequent manipulation that serves to maintain distance. The acts of affection and the moments of cruelty are two sides of the same counterfeit coin. The truth is, the constant performance has left me disconnected from any genuine sense of self
Emotionally, my development has been stunted. I remain a child in my capacity for empathy, consumed by my own internal wounds. Your feelings hold little weight compared to the echo of my own past pain. I lash out, I belittle, because of the hurt that festers within me, but I am incapable of mirroring or truly understanding your suffering. My pain is a shield against acknowledging yours.
Living as a narcissist is a state of perpetual anxiety and exhaustion, haunted by the fear of being unmasked. Beneath the veneer of confidence and control lies a profound emptiness, a void I desperately try to conceal with anger and dominance.
Please, do not wait for a transformation that is unlikely to occur. This path was chosen long ago, and the way back is shrouded in a fear I may never overcome. If you remain, my patterns will persist, and your well-being will be at risk. The only true act of self-preservation for you is to sever ties and become indifferent to my existence. This, ironically, is the very thing that strikes at my deepest insecurity – the fear of insignificance.
There is a faint possibility that the finality of your departure might force a confrontation with my own damaged self, but I urge you not to gamble on this fragile hope. Even if I were to seek help, the raw pain of confronting my reality might prove too overwhelming, sending me back into the familiar shadows of my disorder.
Therefore, I implore you: do not linger. Do not allow me to erode your spirit or mold you into someone defined by the hurt I have caused. Save yourself. Embrace your freedom while you still possess the strength and clarity to do so.
Sincerely (though the weight of that word is hollow in this context),
Your Narcissist.
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