The term “toxic relationship” is widely used, but what does it actually mean? It goes far beyond occasional disagreements or arguments; it refers to a relationship—romantic, familial, or platonic—that consistently drains your energy, undermines your self-worth, and ultimately causes more distress than happiness.

Toxic relationships are characterized by a profound lack of mutual respect and reciprocity, often leaving one or both partners feeling unsupported, misunderstood, and attacked.

What is the Definitive Toxic Relationship Meaning?

A toxic relationship is any relationship where the behavior of one or both individuals is harmful (emotionally, and sometimes physically) to the other. It is a persistent pattern of dysfunctional interactions that negatively impacts the well-being and mental health of the people involved.

In healthy relationships, partners build each other up; in a toxic dynamic, partners tear each other down. The core indicator is simple: Do you feel consistently worse, smaller, or more anxious after interacting with this person?

5 Clear Signs You Are In a Toxic Relationship

While toxicity manifests in various ways, there are five universal behaviors that flag a destructive dynamic.

1. Lack of Support, Constant Competition

In a healthy partnership, your success is your partner’s joy. In a toxic relationship, your achievements are met with indifference, dismissiveness, or even sabotage.

• The Sign: Instead of celebrating you, they minimize your accomplishments or immediately turn the conversation back to themselves. They may actively compete with you, making your dreams feel like a threat to their own standing.

2. Unwelcomed Manipulation and Control

Control is a central pillar of toxicity. This often appears subtly, masked as “caring” or “concern,” but its goal is to dictate your actions, thoughts, and connections.

• The Sign: They use stone walling,guilt trips, gaslighting, (making you doubt your own reality or memory), or subtle threats to get their way. They may try to isolate you from friends and family, demanding all your time and attention.

3. Unrelenting Criticism and Contempt

While constructive criticism is part of life, a toxic partner engages in relentless, personal attacks disguised as “advice” or “jokes.”

• The Sign: They target your core personality traits, appearance, intelligence, or choices, often in public. They use sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking tones, which social scientists identify as contempt—one of the most damaging behaviors in relationships.

4. Chronic Hostility and Drama

If your relationship cycle feels like a never-ending rollercoaster of intense conflict followed by superficial make-up periods, the dynamic is likely toxic. The drama replaces genuine connection.

• The Sign: Arguments escalate quickly and wildly, often over minor issues. The partner thrives on chaos, and there is no sense of emotional stability or safety. You feel like you constantly have to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering a blow-up.

5. Ignoring Boundaries (or Punishing You for Setting Them)

Boundaries—limits set to protect your emotional and physical space—are fundamental to respect. A toxic person will either ignore your boundaries or attack you for attempting to set them.

• The Sign: You tell them you need alone time, and they show up unannounced. You ask them not to read your private messages, and they insist you have something to hide. Their lack of respect for your space demonstrates a fundamental disregard for you as an individual.

What to Do Next

Recognizing these signs is the crucial first step. If this analysis resonates deeply, know that you don’t have to navigate this complexity alone.

Speaking with a Mental Care Professional can help you establish healthy boundaries, devise a safety plan, and gain the emotional clarity needed to either transform the dynamic or decide to step away and prioritize your own well-being.

Mental Care Professionals (MCPs)—including therapists, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists—do far more than just “listen.” They are skilled practitioners, and they are professionals. Think of then as  strategic partners, and vital guides on the journey toward emotional health and resilience.

In a world where mental health is finally being prioritized, understanding the depth and complexity of their role is crucial to appreciating the value of therapy.

1. The Expert Guide: Diagnosing and Treating Complex Conditions

The most critical function of an MCP is providing informed, evidence-based care. Their role is not simply supportive; it is clinical and strategic.

• Clinical Assessment and Diagnosis: MCPs use standardized, scientifically validated tools to assess symptoms, identify underlying issues, and provide an accurate diagnosis (if needed). This ensures that the treatment plan is targeted, effective, and specifically tailored to conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, or chronic stress.
• Evidence-Based Treatment: Professionals are trained in various therapeutic modalities (e.g., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT], Dialectical Behavior Therapy [DBT], EMDR). They don’t offer generic advice; they implement specific, research-backed techniques designed to reshape thought patterns and behaviors.
• * We may not have this available: Medication Management: For psychiatrists and psychiatric nurse practitioners on the platform, their crucial role extends to prescribing and managing psychotropic medications, carefully balancing efficacy with potential side effects.

2. The Skill Builder: Equipping You for Life

A great MCP doesn’t solve your problems for you; they equip you with the tools and skills to navigate challenges independently long after therapy concludes.

• Emotional Regulation: They teach practical techniques to manage intense emotions, prevent burnout, and reduce reactivity in stressful situations.
• Communication Mastery: They help clients develop assertive communication skills, establish healthy boundaries, and improve conflict resolution in personal and professional relationships.
• Coping Mechanism Development: Instead of relying on unhealthy coping habits, MCPs introduce adaptive strategies, transforming how individuals process grief, trauma, and day-to-day pressure.

3. The Emotional Anchor: Providing Unwavering Support

In the privacy of the therapeutic space, MCPs provide a level of non-judgmental support that is often unavailable elsewhere in a person’s life.

• Safe Space Creation: They guarantee a confidential, empathetic environment where clients can explore deeply personal and painful issues without fear of judgment, backlash, or consequence. This safe space is the foundation upon which all therapeutic progress is built.
• Accountability Partner: While empathetic, they also provide gentle, professional accountability. They help clients stick to their goals, challenge self-limiting beliefs, and take steps toward positive change, maintaining a consistent therapeutic structure.
• Validation and Normalization: One of the greatest comforts an MCP provides is validation. They normalize a client’s feelings and experiences, helping them understand that their struggles are valid and treatable.

The Role of MCPs on TheraConnect our sister site

TheraConnect’s  platform amplifies the crucial role of these professionals by making their expertise more accessible. By providing a secure, virtual environment, TheraConnect ensures that the professional guidance of a fully licensed and vetted MHP is available regardless of a client’s geographic location or busy schedule.

Our professionals maintain the same high standards of practice online as they would in an office, ensuring that clients receive ethical, confidential, and transformative care tailored to the modern world.

Individuals with narcissistic traits often display specific texting habits that mirror their personality characteristics and communication style. Let’s explore some commonly observed text behaviors linked to narcissism:

1. Abundance of Messages during Idealization: In the initial stages of a relationship or during the ‘love-bombing’ phase, narcissists tend to flood your inbox with frequent, complimentary, and intense messages. This strategy aims to captivate the recipient and foster a sense of closeness.
2. Ghosting or Imposing Silent Treatment: Narcissists may abruptly cease responding to texts, utilizing silence as a means of control or as a form of punishment. This behavior typically surfaces when they feel slighted, crave attention, or aim to manipulate the dynamics of the situation.
3. Inconsistent Response Patterns: The timing of their responses can be erratic, displaying a range from immediate replies to prolonged delays without an apparent reason. This inconsistency often leaves the recipient feeling uncertain and preoccupied with the unpredictable nature of the narcissist’s communication style.
4. Gaslighting and Manipulation: One common trait in texts from narcissists is manipulation. They often try to mess with your reality, shake your confidence, and make you doubt your memory or judgment. It’s like they’re playing mind games to control the situation.
5. Self-Centered Conversations: When you read their texts, you might notice a pattern – it’s all about them. Their interests, achievements, and problems take the spotlight, leaving little room for your needs or feelings. It’s like a one-way street where they’re the main character.
6. Sudden Mood Shifts: Dealing with a narcissist’s texts can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, they’re sweet and affectionate, and the next, they’re cold and aggressive. It’s like their mood is directly linked to how much attention and admiration they’re getting.
7. Passive-Aggressive or Sarcastic Remarks: Watch out for those subtle jabs and sarcastic comments. When they feel criticized or think they’re not getting the attention they deserve, narcissists may express their frustration through passive-aggressive behavior or sarcasm in their texts.
8. Lack of Empathy: Reading their messages might leave you feeling like something’s missing – genuine empathy. Narcissists often don’t show a real interest in your emotional state. Instead, their texts focus on their own experiences and feelings, leaving yours in the background. It’s like they’re not tuning into your emotional channel.
9. Triangulation: One common trick is involving third parties in text conversations. This could mean casually mentioning other people to stir up jealousy or unfavorably comparing the person to others, which is a tactic often used.
10. Demanding Attention: Some individuals expect instant responses and can get upset or even punitive if they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve within the timeframe they want.
11. Overwhelming with Messages: There are instances, especially during arguments or when trying to regain control, where a narcissist might flood the recipient with numerous texts, creating a sort of message avalanche.
12. Love Bombing after Conflict: Following a conflict or a period of silence, a narcissist might switch gears suddenly and send overly affectionate or flattering messages. This is a way to pull the person back in, like a charm offensive.

If you want to learn how to protect yourself from false accusations, visit Coping With a Smear Campaign Post-Estrangement by Peg Streep for practical coping strategies. 

It’s an estimated 950,000 predators that can be online at any given time, shouldn’t you be learning more about how to protect your children? 

Historically, predators are typically older males, but in recent years and with the increased access of online platforms, we are starting to see younger and younger men target our children.  Predators hang out online the same places teens do — Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, gaming platforms and more.

It can happen to anyone. I talked with a gifted 13-year-old athlete who was being recognized online for their accomplishments, which caught the attention of a verified influencer on Instagram. Naturally, the young teen was excited when they started to receive messages. But, these messages were a conduit to pick up young kids with promises of professional training. It took only a month for the teen to consider running away when his parents said no, thinking they were going to an amazing opportunity. Luckily, the predator was caught before anything happened.

Other kids aren’t so lucky.

5 ways to spot predators online

• Predators are overly-friendly, inquisitive and interested in what their potential victim is doing in order to groom them. If someone is asking your child a lot of questions and appears to dig for details of their lives, it’s typically a red flag.
• Don’t let your child post any location-specific information. We don’t really think about it, but predators take that information and use it to gather trust. Not only that, but if your child posts information about their location, it’s easy for them to be found by predators.
• Predators are always available. Kids are narcissistic and when someone is always there for them, they are easily manipulated. Look for ongoing messages that are overly-friendly or filled with compliments — that’s emotional manipulation.
• They want to be kept a secret. Often, predators will coax or threaten a child not to tell anyone by saying things like “You don’t have to tell your friends about me” or threaten that the relationship will end if anyone finds out. Anyone that tells your children that is likely a predator.
• Pay attention to behavioral changes in your kids. If a predator is talking to a child, they tend to become more secretive, withdrawn and more obsessed with time behind closed doors. It can be a challenge between normal teen relationships and predators, but typically those that are inappropriate tend to be more secretive.

What to do if a predator starts talking to your kid

• It’s extremely important that you talk to your kids so they know the warning signs of predatory behavior. Let your child know that if someone reaches out to them, they should immediately tell you. Be sure to reinforce they won’t get in any sort of trouble if they tell you. Sometimes, children withhold this information for fear they will lose their devices; it’s necessary to remind them that will not happen if they are open and honest with you.
• Make sure you randomly check your child’s accounts and see who they are talking to. If there are conversations that are pretty consistent but then seem to be missing chunks, chances are parts of the conversation have been deleted. If a child deletes parts of a conversation, there’s a reason and it’s imperative you find out why anything was deleted. They may be hiding information so they don’t get in trouble or jeopardize their relationship with the person. Remember, kids may not know that they are speaking with a predator.
• If you find a predator online, report it to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children; their hotline is open 24 hours a day. Never go after a predator on your own.

A childhood trauma response that leads to estranging family and ourselves.

• Fawning, a trauma response learned in childhood, can lead to quiet estrangements from family and one’s self.
• Fawners’ relationships are performative, not genuine connection, so fawners often feel unseen and unheard.
• People-pleasing is a learned strategy or a conscious choice, while fawning is a survival mechanism.

Growing up in an unstable, abusive, or chaotic home is one of the risk factors for estrangement. In these homes, love is conditional, authenticity is not valued, and children often feel unsafe.

To survive an unpredictable environment, children learn to “read the room.” They take the emotional temperature and gauge the moods of unpredictable family members, subsuming their own desires and their true selves in an effort to get along and maintain calm.

Children living in these difficult homes struggle to see themselves and understand who they really are. Instead, these children train themselves to hide their discomfort while minimizing their own needs. They avoid confrontation. They appease.

In her book, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, Dr. Ingrid Clayton explores how this trauma response, developed in childhood, fosters distance in adult relationships. Fawning is an adaptation that kept the fawner safe in childhood, even though it can take a terrible toll in adulthood. “Fawning is not a conscious choice,” she explains. “It is a relational trauma response.”

Though fawning looks like people-pleasing, Clayton makes a distinction. She reframes fawning as a survival skill, rather than a personality trait or character flaw. People-pleasing, she explains, is more intentional; it’s a strategic, transactional behavior to avoid conflict, seek approval, and grease social interactions. “Labels like ‘people pleaser’ or ‘codependent‘ can carry an implicit judgment,” she told the British Psychological Society, “as if the person is simply making bad choices or lacks boundaries.”

Source: rdne/pexels

Fawners may have been blamed and shamed for their behavior, but fawning, she explains, is a response to longstanding powerlessness. The nervous system becomes conditioned to expect danger. Other trauma responses, such as fight, flight, or freeze, could have resulted in greater harm to the child.

“When faced with the double bind of ‘keep yourself safe’ or ‘raise your self-esteem, the body chooses safety every time,” Clayton says. “Fawning aids us in surviving the complex reality of our circumstances.”

Hyper-vigilance in childhood can become second nature. This enduring state can disturb relationships, creating a barrier to intimacy in adulthood.

Fawning in adulthood

Those who fawn often are praised and labeled with positive characteristics such as selfless, reliable, and adaptable. “Fawning often presents as socially rewarded behaviour: helpfulness, agreeableness, empathy, selflessness,” explains Clayton. “These qualities are not only applauded in most cultures, they are actively conditioned, especially in women and marginalised groups.”

Cultural systems – patriarchy, racism, classism, ableism, heteronormativity – require fawning, explains Clayton. ”It’s how many people – particularly women, people of colour, queer folks, neurodivergent individuals have learned to stay safe, included, or employable.”

However, fawning doesn’t necessarily look like a trauma response, as it’s difficult to identify self-erasure. “It looks like being ‘a good kid’, ‘the strong one’, ‘the peacemaker’, or ‘the one everyone can count on’,” Clayton explains. “The internal cost of chronic anxiety, loss of identity, somatic distress often goes unseen.”

In the personal sphere, for example, fawners who attend family gatherings may exchange polite words, engage in superficial intimacies, and fulfill expected roles; their conversations and actions likely will be performative, however, rather than genuine connections.

Fawners may perceive their inability to connect as a personal failing. But Clayton says these wounds are simply the byproduct of environments that demanded silence, as self-censoring and perpetually accommodating is exhausting. Even worse, this behavior slowly erodes one’s self and individuality. Not feeling seen and heard, the fawner may have a chronic sense of loneliness, self-doubt, and shame.

Her point is that estrangement can be the absence of contact, but it also can be the presence of distance and disconnection in the contact or relationship. Fawning can lead to a kind of quiet estrangement from family and from ourselves.

What it looks like

Clayton identifies these behaviors as fawning:

• Chronic people-pleasing: Agreeing with others to avoid conflict.
• Over-apologizing, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong. Apologizing can be an attempt to smooth things over or avoid criticism.
• Hypervigilance, shapeshifting, and code-switching: Constantly monitoring others’ moods, shifting tone, body language, or facial expression to accommodate someone else. Clayton notes that “code switching” – the practice of altering speech, mannerisms, and appearance to fit into various social situations – is a form of fawning.
• Compulsive caretaking: Taking responsibility for someone’s well-being or attempting to regulate someone’s emotions to avoid rejection.
• Difficulty setting boundaries: Struggling to state needs and set limits, fearing that boundaries will be perceived as selfish and provoke conflict.
• Being the ‘fixer’ or peacemaker, solving problems, negotiating disputes, or over-empathizing, even to the point of self-erasure.
• Performative agreeableness: Over-agreeing, smiling, nodding, offering praise to be liked — even when you might feel angry or disconnected.

What is to be done

Clayton, who has a Master’s in transpersonal psychology and a PhD in clinical psychology, has a Los Angeles-based clinical practice where she treats adults, adolescents, and couples. She is the author of Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma and Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice. She grew up in an alcoholic family, and her work focuses on addiction and trauma. She was emotionally abused by her mother’s second husband through trauma bonding, gaslighting, and grooming. She has spent decades addressing her own alcohol abuse and recovering from her practice of fawning.

Clayton concedes that there is no full recovery from this reflex. Instead, she says reclaiming authenticity is a daily practice that requires mindfulness. She suggests these steps:

• Recognize the fawning response and name these patterns. Identify moments when you accommodate others and self-silence.
• Embrace discomfort. Genuine connection is worth the risk.
• Let go of unrealistic patterns and expectations.
• Practice boundaries. Learn to say no and express preferences to build self-worth.
• Seek professional support in individual or group therapy where you can be vulnerable and build confidence.

“Unfawning ourselves is welcoming ourselves to the party,” Clayton writes, “… to finally be ourselves.”

References

Clayton, Dr. Ingrid, Sept.9, 2025, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, NY

Gledhill, Jennifer, Sept. 9, 2025, “Recognising fawning as a trauma response opens the door to compassion, healing, and reclaiming agency” The British Psychological Society

About the Author

Fern Schumer Chapman is the author of books including Brothers, Sisters, Strangers and The Sibling Estrangement Journal. She offers private, one-on-one coaching sessions to those who struggle with sibling estrangement issues.

Online:

 Fern Schumer Chapman, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

Despite how natural friendship can feel, people rarely stop to analyze it. How do you know when someone will make a good friend? When is it time to move on from a friendship? Oftentimes, people rely on gut intuitions to answer these kinds of questions.

In psychology research, there’s no universally accepted definition of a friend. Traditionally, when psychologists have analyzed friendship, it’s often been through the lens of exchange. How much did that friend do for me? How much did I do for them? The idea is that friendships are transactional, where friends stick around only as long as they are getting at least as much as they are giving in the friendship.

But this focus doesn’t capture what feels like the essence of friendship for many people. We and our colleagues think another model for relationships – what we call risk-pooling – better matches what many people experience. In this kind of friendship, no one is keeping track of who did what for whom.

Our research over the past decade suggests that this kind of friendship was essential for our ancient ancestors to survive the challenges they encountered. And we feel it’s essential for surviving the challenges of life today, whether navigating personal struggles or dealing with natural disasters.

A focus on what friends give you

The traditional social exchange theory of friendship views relationships as transactions where people keep a tally of costs and benefits. Building on this framework, researchers have suggested that you approach each friendship with a running list of pluses and minuses to decide whether to maintain the bond. You keep friendships that provide more benefits than costs, and you end those that don’t.

The theory holds that this balancing act comes into play when making decisions about what kinds of friendships to pursue and how to treat your friends. It’s even made its way into pop psychology self-help spaces.

We contend that the biggest issue with social exchange theory is that it misses the nuances of real-life relationships. Frankly, the theory’s wrong: People often don’t use this cost-to-benefit ratio in their friendships.

Less accounting, more supporting

Anybody who has seen a friend through tough times – or been the one who was supported – can tell you that keeping track of what a friend does for you isn’t what friendships are about. Friendships are more about companionship, enjoyment and bonding. Sometimes, friendship is about helping just because your friend is in need and you care about their well-being.

Social exchange theory would suggest that you’d be better off dropping someone who is going through cancer treatment or a death in the family because they’re not providing as many benefits to you as they could. But real-life experiences with these situations suggest the opposite: These are the times when many people are most likely to support their friends.

Our research is consistent with this intuition about the shortcomings of social exchange theory. When we surveyed people about what they want in a friend, they didn’t place a high value on having a friend who is conscientious about paying back any debts – something highly valued from a social exchange perspective.

People considered other traits – such as loyalty, reliability, respectfulness and being there in times of need – to be much more important. These qualities that relate to emotional commitment were seen as necessities, while paying back was seen as a luxury that mattered only once the emotional commitment was met.

Having friends who will help you when you’re struggling, work with you in the friendship and provide emotional support all ranked higher in importance than having a friend who pays you back. While they might not always be able to provide tangible benefits, friends can show they care in many other ways.

Of course, friendship isn’t always positive. Some friends can take advantage by asking too much or neglecting responsibilities they could handle themselves. In those cases, it can be useful to step back and weigh the costs and benefits.

Friendship is more than the sum of its parts

But how do friendships actually help people survive? That is one question that we investigated as part of The Human Generosity Project, a cross-disciplinary research collaboration.

The risk-pooling rather than exchange pattern of friendship is something that we found across societies, from “kere kere” in Fiji to “tomor marang” among the Ik in Uganda. People help their friends in times of need without expecting to be paid back.

The Maasai, an Indigenous group in Kenya and Tanzania who rely on cattle herds to make their living, cultivate friends who help them when they are in need, with no expectation about paying each other back. People ask for help from these special friends, called osotua partners, only when they are in genuine need, and they give if they are asked and able.

These partnerships are not about everyday favors – rather, they are about surviving unpredictable, life-altering risks. Osotua relationships are built over a lifetime, passed down across generations and often marked with sacred rituals.

When we modeled how these osotua relationships function over time, we found they help people survive when their environments are volatile and when they ask those most likely to be able to help. These relationships lead to higher rates of survival for both partners compared to those built on keeping track of debts.

These friends act as social insurance systems for each other, helping each other when needs arise because of unpredictable and uncontrollable events.

And we see this in the United States, just as we do in smaller-scale, more remote societies. In one study, we focused on ranchers in southern Arizona and New Mexico embedded in a network of what they call “neighboring.” They don’t expect to be paid back when they help their neighbors with unpredictable challenges such as an accident, injury or illness. We also found this same pattern in an online study of U.S.-based participants.

In contrast, people such as the ranchers we studied are more likely to expect to be paid back for help when needs arise because of more predictable challenges such as branding cattle or paying bills.

Catastrophic insurance, not tit for tat

What all this research suggests is that friendship is less about the exchange of favors and more about being there for each other when unforeseeable disaster strikes. Friendship seems more like an insurance plan designed to kick in when you need it most rather than a system of balanced exchange.

What lets these partnerships endure is not only generosity, but also restraint and responsibility: Maasai expect their osotua partners to take care of themselves when they can and to ask only when help is truly needed. That balance of care, respect and self-management offers a useful model.

In a world of growing uncertainty, cultivating risk-pooling friendships and striving to be a good partner yourself may help you build resilience. Our ancestors survived with the help of this kind of relationship; our future may depend on them too.

Beginning July 16, 2022, people struggling with mental health crises can now call 988, a new number focused on providing lifesaving suicide prevention and crisis services. But 988 is not just a shorter, easier-to-remember replacement for the current suicide hotline. Congress and the Federal Communications Commission also established the 988 Lifeline to address longstanding concerns in mental health care.

The Conversation asked Derek Lee, a PhD student at The Ohio State University in Counselor Education and Supervision and a therapist, to explain the new service and how it is different from the old hotline. Lee’s academic and research focus is on suicide, including training, intervention and prevention.

What is 988?

The three-digit number is part of a new national mental health program. In 2020, the Federal Communications Commission designated 988 as the help line number, and Congress authorized funding for the 988 Lifeline Program.

Can people still call 1-800-273-TALK?

Sure. The soon-to-be old number has been operational since 2005, but it will not be going away just yet.

July 16 is when 988 went live nationally and callers can also begin using it to call, text or chat.

What’s wrong with the old number?

The system behind it, including its 200 call centers currently in the national crisis line network, according to a 2019 report on the program.

A major problem is that call centers don’t always have the staff or the technology to handle growing numbers of calls.

Calls that in-state centers are unable to answer get rerouted to centers out of state through the system’s backup network. This means that the operator may be less familiar with local crises, according to a spokesperson for Vibrant Emotional Health, the nonprofit that administers the crisis line program. Or incoming calls might simply “bunch up,” creating a telephone logjam, and leave callers waiting on hold “too long,” a time period the report does not define.

The report does note, however, that there isn’t a consistent standard for wait times, staffing or other operational aspects of the call centers. State governments regulate them, and they are independently operated.

How will 988 be different?

That’s unclear. Vibrant hasn’t released specific plans. Congress hasn’t either, but the Behavioral Crisis Services Expansion Act introduced last year requires call centers to “offer air traffic control-quality coordination of crisis care in real-time.”

Where will the money come from to pay for all this?

The shift to 988 comes with funding at the state and federal levels, as well as federal oversight to assure equitable access. Initial funding is coming through federal channels, including the American Rescue Plan, Community Mental Health Services Block Grant and President Biden’s proposed 2022 fiscal year budget. Most of the long-term funding will come from individual states.

Why is all this happening now?

Much of the discussion began during the pandemic, which really brought mental health issues to the forefront. A study of 8 million calls to help lines in 19 countries and regions found that call volumes jumped during the initial wave of coronavirus infections. At the six-week peak, the total number of calls was 35% higher than before the pandemic.

In the U.S., the coronavirus national emergency and the widespread lockdown that followed brought nationwide increases in the number of people struggling with depression, anxiety and other mental conditions. Alcohol use increased, particularly among women and college students.

Who does 988 benefit?

Anyone who needs help with their mental health, particularly people in crisis. A major goal of the 988 Lifeline is creating equity in mental health services, especially for those who have not always had consistent or reliable access to mental health care.

For example, Vibrant will provide operators who speak both English and Spanish and telephone interpreter service in over 150 additional languages.

One improvement experts would like to see is the implementation of virtual visits with mental health professionals for those who can’t travel to in-person appointments, like people with disabilities or those in rural areas.

Editor’s note: This story has been updated to reflect Vibrant Emotional Health’s most recent plans for the 988 Lifeline.

From the breakup of a relationship to losing a loved one, people are often told to find “closure” after traumatic things happen.

But what is closure? And should it really be the goal for individuals seeking relief or healing, even in these traumatic times of global pandemic, war in Ukraine and mass shootings in the U.S.?

Closure is an elusive concept. There is no agreed-upon definition for what closure means or how one is supposed to find it. Although there are numerous interpretations of closure, it usually relates to some type of ending to a difficult experience.

As a grief expert and author of “Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us,” I have learned that the language of closure can often create confusion and false hope for those experiencing loss. Individuals who are grieving feel more supported when they are allowed time to learn to live with their loss and not pushed to find closure.

Why did closure become popular?

Closure is entrenched in popular culture not because it is a well-defined, understood concept that people need, but rather because the idea of closure can be used to sell products, services and even political agendas.

The funeral industry started using closure as an important selling point after it was criticized harshly in the 1960s for charging too much for funerals. To justify their high prices, funeral homes began claiming that their services helped with grief too. Closure eventually became a neat package to explain those services.

In the 1990s, death penalty advocates used the concept of closure to reshape their political discourse. Arguing that the death penalty would bring closure for victims’ family members was an attempt to appeal to a broader audience. However, research continues to show that executions do not bring closure.

Still today, journalists, politicians, businesses and other professionals use the rhetoric of closure to appeal to people’s emotions related to trauma and loss.

So What is the Problem with Closure?

It is not the mere presence of closure as a concept that is a problem. The concern comes when people believe closure must be found in order to move forward.

Closure represents a set of expectations for responding after bad things happen. If people believe they need closure in order to heal but cannot find it, they may feel something is wrong with them. Because so many others may tell those grieving they need closure, they often feel a pressure to either end grief or hide it. This pressure can lead to further isolation.

Privately, many people may resent the idea of closure because they do not want to forget their loved ones or have their grief minimized. I hear this frustration from people I interview.

Closure frequently becomes a one-word description of what individuals are supposed to find at the end of the grieving process. The concept of closure taps into a desire to have things ordered and simple, but experiences with grief and loss are often longer-term and complex.

If not Closure, then What?

As a grief researcher and public speaker, I engage with many different groups of people seeking help in their grief journeys or looking for ways to better support others. I’ve listened to hundreds of people who share their experiences with loss. And I learn time and again that people do not need closure to heal.

They can carry grief and joy together. They can carry grief as part of their love for many years. As part of my research, I interviewed a woman I will call Christina.

Just before her 16th birthday, Christina’s mom and four siblings were killed in a car accident. Over 30 years later, Christina said that people continue to expect her to just “be over it” and to find closure. But she does not want to forget her mother and siblings. She is not seeking closure to their deaths. She has a lot of joy in her life, including her children and grandchildren. But her mom and siblings who died are also part of who she is.

Both privately – and as a community – individuals can learn to live with loss. The types of loss and trauma people experience vary greatly. There is not just one way to grieve, and there is no time schedule. Furthermore, the history of any community contains a range of experiences and emotions, which might include collective trauma from events such as mass shootings, natural disasters or war. The complexity of loss reflects the complexity of relationships and experiences in life.

Rather than expecting yourself and others to find closure, I would suggest creating space to grieve and to remember trauma or loss as needed. Here are a few suggestions to get started:

• Know people can carry complicated emotions together. Embrace a full range of emotions. The goal does not need to be “being happy” all the time for you or others.

• Improve listening skills and know you can help others without trying to fix them. Be present and acknowledge loss through listening.

• Realize that people vary greatly in their experiences with loss and the way they grieve. Don’t compare people’s grief and loss.

• Bear witness to pain and trauma of others in order to acknowledge their loss.

• Provide individual and community-level opportunities for remembering. Give yourself and others freedom to carry memories.

Healing does not mean rushing to forget and silencing those who hurt. I believe that by providing space and time to grieve, communities and families can honor lives lost, acknowledge trauma and learn what pain people continue to carry.

Nancy Berns Professor of Sociology

Depression can feel paralyzing, making it hard to get out of bed and leaving you drained of motivation. To combat this, start small. Set achievable goals such as sitting up, getting dressed in regular clothes, or taking a short walk. Practice self-compassion and gently reintroduce activities you enjoy, even in short bursts.

Why You Feel Like You Can’t Get Out of Bed With Depression

Feeling like you can’t get out of bed when depressed is a common  symptom of depression. It often stems from extreme fatigue, both physical and emotional.Physically, depression can cause fatigue because it disrupts normal sleep patterns. Emotionally, depression is marked by extreme sadness or hopelessness, which can cause emotional exhaustion. Additionally, depression can cause a lack of motivation and interest in activities that were once enjoyable, making the effort to get out of bed seem pointless.¹

19 Tips for How to Get Out of Bed When Depressed

Getting out of bed when you’re dealing with depression can be a challenge, but several strategies might help make the process a bit easier. Start by taking small steps and building up to bigger tasks. Establishing consistent routines of positive affirmations, therapy, and other healthy lifestyle choices can help provide daily purpose.

Here are nineteen tips that can help you to get out of bed when depressed:

1. Set Manageable Goals

Moving past depression can feel impossible for many people. When working on getting out of bed when depressed, don’t expect to change everything about your morning habits right away! Instead of viewing productivity as a single massive task, break your morning down into manageable steps. What are some small, manageable changes that you can make?

Here are some manageable goals you can set for yourself:

• Getting out of bed 10-15 minutes earlier than the day before.
• Take a shower when you get up rather than waiting till later.
• Engage in a mindfulness practice, like journaling, in the morning.
• Get dressed and ready for the day instead of staying in pajamas.
• Sit outside for a few minutes (weather permitting).
• Do some gentle stretches when you get out of bed to get your body moving.
• Reach out to a friend or family member for a phone call in the morning.

2. Plan Something to Look Forward To

Scheduling something in advance for your day will give you more reason and purpose for getting up and moving. Planning something enjoyable, like a walk, a nice coffee drink, or a visit with a friend, can be a great motivator to see the day in a brighter light. Having a plan can also keep you accountable, especially if it’s a scheduled appointment or meeting.

3. Begin a Morning Routine

Creating a morning routine is a widely recommended strategy for getting out of bed.  You need to start with small steps to make larger, long-term changes in your waking routine. The first step is literally stepping on the floor when your alarm goes off; not snoozing and sitting upright will get your system ready to move!

After getting out of bed, choose an activity that stimulates your senses and helps you feel energized, rather than keeps you in bed. Use your five senses to get your brain clicked on for the day: listen to upbeat music, light a candle or incense, turn on the lights or open windows, change the temperature (with clothes or environment), or eat a mint/chocolate.

4. Get a Pet Who Needs Your Care First Thing

We often feel more care and compassion for others compared to ourselves when we feel depressed. Having a living creature depending on you can be a huge motivation to get up and move in the morning. A dog or cat will likely wake you up to be fed, watered, or let outside. Other pets like fish, lizards, or even virtual pets will also need your attention daily!

5. Have Someone Hold You Accountable

An accountability buddy can be extremely helpful for getting up and moving in the morning. Think about having a friend or family member physically check on you or call you at an agreed-upon time. You can also use a shared calendar that alerts both of you each morning. There are also wake-up call services and apps that will help you wake up.

6. Use Multiple Alarms & Make It Harder to Turn Them Off

Have an alarm (or more than one) that forces you to get out of bed by being further away than you can reach from where you sleep. Keeping your alarm device across the room will make you get moving. Turn off the snooze function on your alarm so you don’t have any temptation to use it. Choose an alarm sound that’s obnoxious so you can’t sleep through it.

7. Keep Your Room Dark at Night & Bright in the Morning

Bright light in the morning signals your body to wake up. Open your blinds first thing. At night, reduce screen time and artificial light to promote restful sleep and help regulate your circadian rhythm.²

8. Limit Daytime Naps

While you may feel very sleepy during the day, do your best to limit or avoid taking naps. This will help establish a sleep-wake routine for your body to get used to and follow. Your system can get confused and off schedule when sleep occurs outside of the typical window, making it harder to get efficient sleep during the night.

9. Turn On Upbeat Music

Our sense of hearing is one of the most powerful tools we have to help us get up and stay awake. Choosing an upbeat, inspiring, or favorite song can help you get your body and brain moving out of sleep mode and into wakefulness. Try picking a song you can’t help but dance to to get your body moving!

10. Spend Time Outside Every Day

Natural sunlight has been shown time and time again to help regulate and maintain our sleep-wake cycle and our mood.² Exposure to daylight helps modulate our brain chemistry, including serotonin availability, which can lead to stabilizing your mood. If you can get out in the daylight in the morning, it tends to be more effective in decreasing depressive symptoms.

11. Prioritize Just a Few Tasks Each Day

Sometimes, people have a hard time getting up because they’re overwhelmed with everything they need to get done. Creating a hierarchy of what actually needs to be done each day can prevent you from feeling overwhelmed. You can also break down larger, intimidating tasks into smaller steps to help you feel more motivated to get started. Do your best not to shame yourself for what you haven’t done, but praise yourself for what you do get accomplished.

12. Try Light Therapy

Light therapy is best as an alternative or adjunctive treatment for depression.³ Light therapy involves daily exposure to artificial bright light, typically in the morning, delivered through a box equipped with fluorescent tubes, a reflector, and a diffusing screen.³

Light therapy is well suited for seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Less sun and daylight can impact mood and lead to depression during darker and colder times of the year. While research on the effectiveness of light therapy for non-seasonal depression is limited, it may be beneficial to try it when you struggle with getting out of bed when depressed. You can also purchase light boxes from many retailers to experiment with light therapy at home.

13. Incorporate Self-Compassion Practices

If you struggle with depression, you may speak down to yourself or be overly critical of errors or mistakes. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and empathy you would offer to a loved one. It’s about cultivating a gentle and supportive relationship with yourself, especially during times of difficulty or when dealing with depression.

Here are some ways to practice self-compassion:

• Try a loving-kindness meditation
• Engage in gentle movement practices, like yoga, walking, or stretching
• Practice positive self-talk and affirmations throughout the day
• Eat and drink things that make your body and mind feel nourished
• Utilize deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body
• Do one small act of self-care for depression
• Try supportive self-touches, like hugs or holds, to comfort yourself
• 14. Journal About Your Emotions & Triggers
• Regularly writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences can provide insight into your emotions and help you identify patterns and triggers related to your depression. Journaling is a powerful tool that can help you manage depression, increase self-awareness, and promote emotional well-being. There are also many journal prompts for depression if you’re unsure how to start.
• 15. Talk to a Therapist
• Seeing a therapist can be crucial if you physically can’t get out of bed due to depression. Therapists receive training to provide guidance and tools to help reframe thoughts, explore the causes of your depression, develop coping skills for depression, and set achievable goals. Their expertise can empower you to develop a personalized plan for getting out of bed, establishing routines, and finding motivation even when depression feels overwhelming.
• 16. Utilize Creative Art Therapies
• Depressed individuals may not feel like talking or know how to express their thoughts.  Psychodrama therapy, music therapy, and art therapy provide alternative outlets that can be just as powerful as talk therapy. Activities like drawing, painting, or crafting can provide an outlet for self-expression while listening to or creating music, which can positively impact mood and motivation.
• 17. Consider Medication
• Antidepressants can be considered a first-line treatment option for depressive symptoms. These medications work by balancing certain neurotransmitter levels in the brain to help decrease depression and increase pleasant experiences and motivation. The main class of drugs is SSRIs, which prevent the brain from reabsorbing serotonin, allowing the neurotransmitter to stay longer between the synapses.
• It is important to note that medication is not a cure-all. However, antidepressants can substantially help manage your mood and thoughts. Speaking to your medical provider or getting a medication evaluation from a psychiatrist are positive first steps toward understanding what medications might work best. Remember that these medications can take days or weeks to reach their therapeutic benefit. There are online psychiatrist options to help find providers in your area.
• 18. Seek Medical Advice
• Sometimes, super low energy can indicate an actual medical problem, so if you’re having consistent trouble, it could be worth getting tested for vitamin deficiencies and/or thyroid problems. Try to be as honest as possible with your primary physician about your physical and mental health during each visit, as they tend to affect each other and can impact the proper course of treatment for you.
• 19. Let Yourself Have an Occasional Day in Bed
• Depression shares similarities with a physical injury. An injury tells us to take it easy and seek medical support when necessary. Depression shows us that we must prioritize our mental health and possibly take it easy by staying in bed. However, be mindful of the balance between staying in and getting out of bed. Staying in bed can provide temporary relief but can also exacerbate feelings of isolation, worsen your mood, and impede your physical and social health.
• How to Find Professional Support
• Seeing a mental health professional who specializes in treating depression can be the key to feeling better. There are many different online therapy services for depression that make finding a therapist who specializes in depression easy and affordable. Platforms such as Talkspace or Amwell offer therapy services that are covered by insurance. They also provide psychiatry services for individuals who want to explore medication options for depression.

David Tzall, PsyD

“Depression is not something to be ashamed of or feared. Staying in bed when depressed is a normal part of the condition running its course. Take time to understand why you are depressed and listen to your needs. There is a greater chance you won’t cast shame on your behavior if you give your body and mind what they need.”