I met a spectacular woman a few months ago. But then began her impulsivity, changeable moods and rage outbursts against me. She seems highly functioning but doesn’t have self-control. Why am I attracted to people who are like that?”
The Excitement of Impulsivity
Impulsive people respond to their feelings without giving them much thought. They often express and respond to their emotions fervently and without fear of consequences. They tend to lack a filter or inner critic, which can result in their being exuberant, spontaneous as well as hotheaded.
Spontaneity and exuberance can be exciting and appealing. When two people are first attracted to each other, there are a lot of positive emotions, and someone who expresses desire and excitement impetuously can be quite seductive and exhilarating to be with.
The Fantasy in New Relationships
When two people first become captivated with one another whether as friends or potential lovers, there is always a bit of projection going on. They don’t really know each other, so they fill in the blanks by projecting their hopes and fantasies onto the other person.
Yet no one can really fulfill the expectations of another person. Eventually, reality sets in and that reality will conflict with some of the fantasies each has had about the other. When they find out that their expectations are inaccurate, they may be disappointed and even blame the other person for failing to fulfill their fantasy. Disappointment and blame can trigger negative projections, furthering negative emotions and behavior in both people.
People who lack impulse control tend to follow their emotions, while ignoring reason based on experience. They allow themselves to get carried away by their projections when they are infatuated with someone. They also experience disappointment in an exaggerated way without tempering their negative emotions with rational thought and restraint. When they express their negative emotions without a filter, they may become volatile, hostile and explosive.
How to Avoid Getting Hurt by Volatile People
Develop your own self-control to avoid falling for someone too quickly. The word “falling” is appropriate here. It implies letting go of reason and caution while giving up any grounding in reality. This “letting go” or “falling” into your fantasy feels thrilling and intoxicating, but when you finally hit the ground, it can hurt.
So it helps to take your time before getting deeply involved with someone you’re attracted to. Take your time to get to know their true nature, qualities and character. By avoiding becoming emotionally enmeshed too quickly, i.e., by calling or seeing them everyday, you can retain some objectivity.
While it’s fine to enjoy people who are impulsive and exciting, know that such qualities can lead to moodiness, controlling behavior, dependency, manipulation, volatility and rage. Thus, make sure you remain independent and grounded on your own terms when engaging with impulsive people. Also try to avoid being controlling, possessive, overly impulsive, dependent, or manipulative yourself. None of these qualities bode well in the pursuit of a long-term relationship.
You can still enjoy the excitement of being captivated by or infatuated with a new person. But keep your eyes open and your reason intact to be able to stay connected to reality.
If you’re looking for support beyond physical fitness, learn how to find a qualified therapist who can assist you with mental health and emotional well-being.
Ever wonder about the phrases that narcissistic folks, sociopaths, and psychopaths use? How do you handle them?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where someone’s reality is twisted so much that it creates major confusion. It often happens in abusive relationships. When a narcissist puts you on blast, they tend to start wild arguments that question your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This gaslighting tactic wears you down to the point where you struggle to defend yourself. Instead of finding a healthy way to distance yourself from these toxic individuals, your attempts to feel validated and sure about what you went through get derailed.
Gaslighting can show up in different ways, like making you doubt your own mental health or questioning your life experiences. The worst offenders are those narcissistic types who use this tactic to mess with how you see things and dodge any responsibility for their behavior. These abusers can be really cruel and sadistic with what they do, showing little to no empathy or guilt as they secretly torment or provoke you.
Gaslighting by Tribe and Narcissism
People who gaslight others may have what’s called narcissistic personality disorder.
Those with narcissistic personality disorder think they’re super important and usually don’t care about others unless it serves their own needs. They lack empathy and just don’t get how another person is feeling or what they’re going through.
A person with narcissistic personality disorder might:
Have an inflated sense of their own significance
Blow their achievements out of proportion
React with anger when criticized
Use others to get what they want
Expect special treatment
Be overly critical of others
Get jealous or envious pretty easily
How to Deal with Gaslighting?
If you want to fight back against gaslighting, it’s crucial to stay in touch with your own reality and avoid getting stuck in a cycle of doubt. You should be able to spot the red flags of manipulative narcissists so you can exit tricky convos before they turn into accusations, blame, or just plain yelling, which will only leave you feeling more confused about yourself.
Building your self-worth and confidence can help you stay grounded in what you really feel about how someone treats you, rather than getting caught up in trying to explain yourself to a manipulative person with their own agenda.
Taking space from your abuser is super important. Make sure you keep track of what happens as it truly occurs instead of how your abuser says it went down. Save texts, voicemails, emails, and any recordings that can help you remember the truth if you ever feel foggy, rather than getting swept up in the lies from the person hurting you.
Don’t hesitate to reach out for outside help, like a trauma therapist, to talk through the abuse you’ve experienced. Smart narcissists might try to change your reality, but you don’t have to let them. Document everything.
If you’re looking for support beyond physical fitness, learn how to find a qualified therapist who can assist you with mental health and emotional well-being.
The term “toxic relationship” is widely used, but what does it actually mean? It goes far beyond occasional disagreements or arguments; it refers to a relationship—romantic, familial, or platonic—that consistently drains your energy, undermines your self-worth, and ultimately causes more distress than happiness.
Toxic relationships are characterized by a profound lack of mutual respect and reciprocity, often leaving one or both partners feeling unsupported, misunderstood, and attacked.
What is the Definitive Toxic Relationship Meaning?
A toxic relationship is any relationship where the behavior of one or both individuals is harmful (emotionally, and sometimes physically) to the other. It is a persistent pattern of dysfunctional interactions that negatively impacts the well-being and mental health of the people involved.
In healthy relationships, partners build each other up; in a toxic dynamic, partners tear each other down. The core indicator is simple: Do you feel consistently worse, smaller, or more anxious after interacting with this person?
5 Clear Signs You Are In a Toxic Relationship
While toxicity manifests in various ways, there are five universal behaviors that flag a destructive dynamic.
1. Lack of Support, Constant Competition
In a healthy partnership, your success is your partner’s joy. In a toxic relationship, your achievements are met with indifference, dismissiveness, or even sabotage.
The Sign: Instead of celebrating you, they minimize your accomplishments or immediately turn the conversation back to themselves. They may actively compete with you, making your dreams feel like a threat to their own standing.
2. Unwelcomed Manipulation and Control
Control is a central pillar of toxicity. This often appears subtly, masked as “caring” or “concern,” but its goal is to dictate your actions, thoughts, and connections.
The Sign: They use stone walling,guilt trips, gaslighting, (making you doubt your own reality or memory), or subtle threats to get their way. They may try to isolate you from friends and family, demanding all your time and attention.
3. Unrelenting Criticism and Contempt
While constructive criticism is part of life, a toxic partner engages in relentless, personal attacks disguised as “advice” or “jokes.”
The Sign: They target your core personality traits, appearance, intelligence, or choices, often in public. They use sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking tones, which social scientists identify as contempt—one of the most damaging behaviors in relationships.
4. Chronic Hostility and Drama
If your relationship cycle feels like a never-ending rollercoaster of intense conflict followed by superficial make-up periods, the dynamic is likely toxic. The drama replaces genuine connection.
The Sign: Arguments escalate quickly and wildly, often over minor issues. The partner thrives on chaos, and there is no sense of emotional stability or safety. You feel like you constantly have to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering a blow-up.
5. Ignoring Boundaries (or Punishing You for Setting Them)
Boundaries—limits set to protect your emotional and physical space—are fundamental to respect. A toxic person will either ignore your boundaries or attack you for attempting to set them.
The Sign: You tell them you need alone time, and they show up unannounced. You ask them not to read your private messages, and they insist you have something to hide. Their lack of respect for your space demonstrates a fundamental disregard for you as an individual.
What to Do Next
Recognizing these signs is the crucial first step. If this analysis resonates deeply, know that you don’t have to navigate this complexity alone.
Speaking with a Mental Care Professional can help you establish healthy boundaries, devise a safety plan, and gain the emotional clarity needed to either transform the dynamic or decide to step away and prioritize your own well-being.
Mental Care Professionals (MCPs)—including therapists, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists—do far more than just “listen.” They are skilled practitioners, and they are professionals. Think of then as strategic partners, and vital guides on the journey toward emotional health and resilience.
In a world where mental health is finally being prioritized, understanding the depth and complexity of their role is crucial to appreciating the value of therapy.
1. The Expert Guide: Diagnosing and Treating Complex Conditions
The most critical function of an MCP is providing informed, evidence-based care. Their role is not simply supportive; it is clinical and strategic.
Clinical Assessment and Diagnosis: MCPs use standardized, scientifically validated tools to assess symptoms, identify underlying issues, and provide an accurate diagnosis (if needed). This ensures that the treatment plan is targeted, effective, and specifically tailored to conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, or chronic stress.
Evidence-Based Treatment: Professionals are trained in various therapeutic modalities (e.g., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT], Dialectical Behavior Therapy [DBT], EMDR). They don’t offer generic advice; they implement specific, research-backed techniques designed to reshape thought patterns and behaviors.
* We may not have this available: Medication Management: For psychiatrists and psychiatric nurse practitioners on the platform, their crucial role extends to prescribing and managing psychotropic medications, carefully balancing efficacy with potential side effects.
2. The Skill Builder: Equipping You for Life
A great MCP doesn’t solve your problems for you; they equip you with the tools and skills to navigate challenges independently long after therapy concludes.
Emotional Regulation: They teach practical techniques to manage intense emotions, prevent burnout, and reduce reactivity in stressful situations.
Communication Mastery: They help clients develop assertive communication skills, establish healthy boundaries, and improve conflict resolution in personal and professional relationships.
Coping Mechanism Development: Instead of relying on unhealthy coping habits, MCPs introduce adaptive strategies, transforming how individuals process grief, trauma, and day-to-day pressure.
3. The Emotional Anchor: Providing Unwavering Support
In the privacy of the therapeutic space, MCPs provide a level of non-judgmental support that is often unavailable elsewhere in a person’s life.
Safe Space Creation: They guarantee a confidential, empathetic environment where clients can explore deeply personal and painful issues without fear of judgment, backlash, or consequence. This safe space is the foundation upon which all therapeutic progress is built.
Accountability Partner: While empathetic, they also provide gentle, professional accountability. They help clients stick to their goals, challenge self-limiting beliefs, and take steps toward positive change, maintaining a consistent therapeutic structure.
Validation and Normalization: One of the greatest comforts an MCP provides is validation. They normalize a client’s feelings and experiences, helping them understand that their struggles are valid and treatable.
TheraConnect’s platform amplifies the crucial role of these professionals by making their expertise more accessible. By providing a secure, virtual environment, TheraConnect ensures that the professional guidance of a fully licensed and vetted MHP is available regardless of a client’s geographic location or busy schedule.
Our professionals maintain the same high standards of practice online as they would in an office, ensuring that clients receive ethical, confidential, and transformative care tailored to the modern world.
Individuals with narcissistic traits often display specific texting habits that mirror their personality characteristics and communication style. Let’s explore some commonly observed text behaviors linked to narcissism:
Abundance of Messages during Idealization: In the initial stages of a relationship or during the ‘love-bombing’ phase, narcissists tend to flood your inbox with frequent, complimentary, and intense messages. This strategy aims to captivate the recipient and foster a sense of closeness.
Ghosting or Imposing Silent Treatment: Narcissists may abruptly cease responding to texts, utilizing silence as a means of control or as a form of punishment. This behavior typically surfaces when they feel slighted, crave attention, or aim to manipulate the dynamics of the situation.
Inconsistent Response Patterns: The timing of their responses can be erratic, displaying a range from immediate replies to prolonged delays without an apparent reason. This inconsistency often leaves the recipient feeling uncertain and preoccupied with the unpredictable nature of the narcissist’s communication style.
Gaslighting and Manipulation: One common trait in texts from narcissists is manipulation. They often try to mess with your reality, shake your confidence, and make you doubt your memory or judgment. It’s like they’re playing mind games to control the situation.
Self-Centered Conversations: When you read their texts, you might notice a pattern – it’s all about them. Their interests, achievements, and problems take the spotlight, leaving little room for your needs or feelings. It’s like a one-way street where they’re the main character.
Sudden Mood Shifts:Dealing with a narcissist’s texts can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, they’re sweet and affectionate, and the next, they’re cold and aggressive. It’s like their mood is directly linked to how much attention and admiration they’re getting.
Passive-Aggressive or Sarcastic Remarks: Watch out for those subtle jabs and sarcastic comments. When they feel criticized or think they’re not getting the attention they deserve, narcissists may express their frustration through passive-aggressive behavior or sarcasm in their texts.
Lack of Empathy: Reading their messages might leave you feeling like something’s missing – genuine empathy. Narcissists often don’t show a real interest in your emotional state. Instead, their texts focus on their own experiences and feelings, leaving yours in the background. It’s like they’re not tuning into your emotional channel.
Triangulation: One common trick is involving third parties in text conversations. This could mean casually mentioning other people to stir up jealousy or unfavorably comparing the person to others, which is a tactic often used.
Demanding Attention: Some individuals expect instant responses and can get upset or even punitive if they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve within the timeframe they want.
Overwhelming withMessages: There are instances, especially during arguments or when trying to regain control, where a narcissist might flood the recipient with numerous texts, creating a sort of message avalanche.
Love Bombing after Conflict: Following a conflict or a period of silence, a narcissist might switch gears suddenly and send overly affectionate or flattering messages. This is a way to pull the person back in, like a charm offensive.
It’s an estimated 950,000 predators that can be online at any given time, shouldn’t you be learning more about how to protect your children?
Historically, predators are typically older males, but in recent years and with the increased access of online platforms, we are starting to see younger and younger men target our children. Predators hang out online the same places teens do — Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, gaming platforms and more.
It can happen to anyone. I talked with a gifted 13-year-old athlete who was being recognized online for their accomplishments, which caught the attention of a verified influencer on Instagram. Naturally, the young teen was excited when they started to receive messages. But, these messages were a conduit to pick up young kids with promises of professional training. It took only a month for the teen to consider running away when his parents said no, thinking they were going to an amazing opportunity. Luckily, the predator was caught before anything happened.
Other kids aren’t so lucky.
5 ways to spot predators online
Predators are overly-friendly, inquisitive and interested in what their potential victim is doing in order to groom them. If someone is asking your child a lot of questions and appears to dig for details of their lives, it’s typically a red flag.
Don’t let your child post any location-specific information. We don’t really think about it, but predators take that information and use it to gather trust. Not only that, but if your child posts information about their location, it’s easy for them to be found by predators.
Predators are always available. Kids are narcissistic and when someone is always there for them, they are easily manipulated. Look for ongoing messages that are overly-friendly or filled with compliments — that’s emotional manipulation.
They want to be kept a secret. Often, predators will coax or threaten a child not to tell anyone by saying things like “You don’t have to tell your friends about me” or threaten that the relationship will end if anyone finds out. Anyone that tells your children that is likely a predator.
Pay attention to behavioral changes in your kids. If a predator is talking to a child, they tend to become more secretive, withdrawn and more obsessed with time behind closed doors. It can be a challenge between normal teen relationships and predators, but typically those that are inappropriate tend to be more secretive.
What to do if a predator starts talking to your kid
It’s extremely important that you talk to your kids so they know the warning signs of predatory behavior. Let your child know that if someone reaches out to them, they should immediately tell you. Be sure to reinforce they won’t get in any sort of trouble if they tell you. Sometimes, children withhold this information for fear they will lose their devices; it’s necessary to remind them that will not happen if they are open and honest with you.
Make sure you randomly check your child’s accounts and see who they are talking to. If there are conversations that are pretty consistent but then seem to be missing chunks, chances are parts of the conversation have been deleted. If a child deletes parts of a conversation, there’s a reason and it’s imperative you find out why anything was deleted. They may be hiding information so they don’t get in trouble or jeopardize their relationship with the person. Remember, kids may not know that they are speaking with a predator.
A childhood trauma response that leads to estranging family and ourselves.
Fawning, a trauma response learned in childhood, can lead to quiet estrangements from family and one’s self.
Fawners’ relationships are performative, not genuine connection, so fawners often feel unseen and unheard.
People-pleasing is a learned strategy or a conscious choice, while fawning is a survival mechanism.
Growing up in an unstable, abusive, or chaotic home is one of the risk factors for estrangement. In these homes, love is conditional, authenticity is not valued, and children often feel unsafe.
To survive an unpredictable environment, children learn to “read the room.” They take the emotional temperature and gauge the moods of unpredictable family members, subsuming their own desires and their true selves in an effort to get along and maintain calm.
Children living in these difficult homes struggle to see themselves and understand who they really are. Instead, these children train themselves to hide their discomfort while minimizing their own needs. They avoid confrontation. They appease.
In her book, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, Dr. Ingrid Clayton explores how this trauma response, developed in childhood, fosters distance in adult relationships. Fawning is an adaptation that kept the fawner safe in childhood, even though it can take a terrible toll in adulthood. “Fawning is not a conscious choice,” she explains. “It is a relational trauma response.”
Though fawning looks like people-pleasing, Clayton makes a distinction. She reframes fawning as a survival skill, rather than a personality trait or character flaw. People-pleasing, she explains, is more intentional; it’s a strategic, transactional behavior to avoid conflict, seek approval, and grease social interactions. “Labels like ‘people pleaser’ or ‘codependent‘ can carry an implicit judgment,” she told the British Psychological Society, “as if the person is simply making bad choices or lacks boundaries.”
Source: rdne/pexels
Fawners may have been blamed and shamed for their behavior, but fawning, she explains, is a response to longstanding powerlessness. The nervous system becomes conditioned to expect danger. Other trauma responses, such as fight, flight, or freeze, could have resulted in greater harm to the child.
“When faced with the double bind of ‘keep yourself safe’ or ‘raise your self-esteem, the body chooses safety every time,” Clayton says. “Fawning aids us in surviving the complex reality of our circumstances.”
Hyper-vigilance in childhood can become second nature. This enduring state can disturb relationships, creating a barrier to intimacy in adulthood.
Fawning in adulthood
Those who fawn often are praised and labeled with positive characteristics such as selfless, reliable, and adaptable. “Fawning often presents as socially rewarded behaviour: helpfulness, agreeableness, empathy, selflessness,” explains Clayton. “These qualities are not only applauded in most cultures, they are actively conditioned, especially in women and marginalised groups.”
Cultural systems – patriarchy, racism, classism, ableism, heteronormativity – require fawning, explains Clayton. ”It’s how many people – particularly women, people of colour, queer folks, neurodivergent individuals have learned to stay safe, included, or employable.”
However, fawning doesn’t necessarily look like a trauma response, as it’s difficult to identify self-erasure. “It looks like being ‘a good kid’, ‘the strong one’, ‘the peacemaker’, or ‘the one everyone can count on’,” Clayton explains. “The internal cost of chronic anxiety, loss of identity, somatic distress often goes unseen.”
In the personal sphere, for example, fawners who attend family gatherings may exchange polite words, engage in superficial intimacies, and fulfill expected roles; their conversations and actions likely will be performative, however, rather than genuine connections.
Fawners may perceive their inability to connect as a personal failing. But Clayton says these wounds are simply the byproduct of environments that demanded silence, as self-censoring and perpetually accommodating is exhausting. Even worse, this behavior slowly erodes one’s self and individuality. Not feeling seen and heard, the fawner may have a chronic sense of loneliness, self-doubt, and shame.
Her point is that estrangement can be the absence of contact, but it also can be the presence of distance and disconnection in the contact or relationship. Fawning can lead to a kind of quiet estrangement from family and from ourselves.
What it looks like
Clayton identifies these behaviors as fawning:
Chronic people-pleasing: Agreeing with others to avoid conflict.
Over-apologizing, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong. Apologizing can be an attempt to smooth things over or avoid criticism.
Hypervigilance, shapeshifting, and code-switching: Constantly monitoring others’ moods, shifting tone, body language, or facial expression to accommodate someone else. Clayton notes that “code switching” – the practice of altering speech, mannerisms, and appearance to fit into various social situations – is a form of fawning.
Compulsive caretaking: Taking responsibility for someone’s well-being or attempting to regulate someone’s emotions to avoid rejection.
Difficulty setting boundaries: Struggling to state needs and set limits, fearing that boundaries will be perceived as selfish and provoke conflict.
Being the ‘fixer’ or peacemaker, solving problems, negotiating disputes, or over-empathizing, even to the point of self-erasure.
Performative agreeableness: Over-agreeing, smiling, nodding, offering praise to be liked — even when you might feel angry or disconnected.
What is to be done
Clayton, who has a Master’s in transpersonal psychology and a PhD in clinical psychology, has a Los Angeles-based clinical practice where she treats adults, adolescents, and couples. She is the author of Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma and Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice. She grew up in an alcoholic family, and her work focuses on addiction and trauma. She was emotionally abused by her mother’s second husband through trauma bonding, gaslighting, and grooming. She has spent decades addressing her own alcohol abuse and recovering from her practice of fawning.
Clayton concedes that there is no full recovery from this reflex. Instead, she says reclaiming authenticity is a daily practice that requires mindfulness. She suggests these steps:
Recognize the fawning response and name these patterns. Identify moments when you accommodate others and self-silence.
Embrace discomfort. Genuine connection is worth the risk.
Let go of unrealistic patterns and expectations.
Practice boundaries. Learn to say no and express preferences to build self-worth.
Seek professional support in individual or group therapy where you can be vulnerable and build confidence.
“Unfawning ourselves is welcoming ourselves to the party,” Clayton writes, “… to finally be ourselves.”
References
Clayton, Dr. Ingrid, Sept.9, 2025, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, NY
Gledhill, Jennifer, Sept. 9, 2025, “Recognising fawning as a trauma response opens the door to compassion, healing, and reclaiming agency” The British Psychological Society
Despite how natural friendship can feel, people rarely stop to analyze it. How do you know when someone will make a good friend? When is it time to move on from a friendship? Oftentimes, people rely on gut intuitions to answer these kinds of questions.
In psychology research, there’s no universally accepted definition of a friend. Traditionally, when psychologists have analyzed friendship, it’s often been through the lens of exchange. How much did that friend do for me? How much did I do for them? The idea is that friendships are transactional, where friends stick around only as long as they are getting at least as much as they are giving in the friendship.
But this focus doesn’t capture what feels like the essence of friendship for many people. Weand our colleagues think another model for relationships – what we call risk-pooling – better matches what many people experience. In this kind of friendship, no one is keeping track of who did what for whom.
Our research over the past decade suggests that this kind of friendship was essential for our ancient ancestors to survive the challenges they encountered. And we feel it’s essential for surviving the challenges of life today, whether navigating personal struggles or dealing with natural disasters.
Social exchange theory focuses on whether friends are investing and getting the same amount from the relationship. tim scott/Moment via Getty Images
A focus on what friends give you
The traditional social exchange theory of friendship views relationships as transactions where people keep a tally of costs and benefits. Building on this framework, researchers have suggested that you approach each friendship with a running list of pluses and minuses to decide whether to maintain the bond. You keep friendships that provide more benefits than costs, and you end those that don’t.
We contend that the biggest issue with social exchange theory is that it misses the nuances of real-life relationships. Frankly, the theory’s wrong: People often don’t use this cost-to-benefit ratio in their friendships.
Less accounting, more supporting
Anybody who has seen a friend through tough times – or been the one who was supported – can tell you that keeping track of what a friend does for you isn’t what friendships are about. Friendships are more about companionship, enjoyment and bonding. Sometimes, friendship is about helping just because your friend is in need and you care about their well-being.
Social exchange theory would suggest that you’d be better off dropping someone who is going through cancer treatment or a death in the family because they’re not providing as many benefits to you as they could. But real-life experiences with these situations suggest the opposite: These are the times when many people are most likely to support their friends.
Our research is consistent with this intuition about the shortcomings of social exchange theory. When we surveyed people about what they want in a friend, they didn’t place a high value on having a friend who is conscientious about paying back any debts – something highly valued from a social exchange perspective.
People considered other traits – such as loyalty, reliability, respectfulness and being there in times of need – to be much more important. These qualities that relate to emotional commitment were seen as necessities, while paying back was seen as a luxury that mattered only once the emotional commitment was met.
Having friends who will help you when you’re struggling, work with you in the friendship and provide emotional support all ranked higher in importance than having a friend who pays you back. While they might not always be able to provide tangible benefits, friends can show they care in many other ways.
Of course, friendship isn’t always positive. Some friends can take advantage by asking too much or neglecting responsibilities they could handle themselves. In those cases, it can be useful to step back and weigh the costs and benefits.
Friendship is more than the sum of its parts
But how do friendships actually help people survive? That is one question that we investigated as part of The Human Generosity Project, a cross-disciplinary research collaboration.
The Maasai, an Indigenous group in Kenya and Tanzania who rely on cattle herds to make their living, cultivate friends who help them when they are in need, with no expectation about paying each other back. People ask for help from these special friends, called osotua partners, only when they are in genuine need, and they give if they are asked and able.
These partnerships are not about everyday favors – rather, they are about surviving unpredictable, life-altering risks. Osotua relationships are built over a lifetime, passed down across generations and often marked with sacred rituals.
When we modeled how these osotua relationships function over time, we found they help people survive when their environments are volatile and when they ask those most likely to be able to help. These relationships lead to higher rates of survival for both partners compared to those built on keeping track of debts.
These friends act as social insurance systems for each other, helping each other when needs arise because of unpredictable and uncontrollable events.
And we see this in the United States, just as we do in smaller-scale, more remote societies. In one study, we focused on ranchers in southern Arizona and New Mexico embedded in a network of what they call “neighboring.” They don’t expect to be paid back when they help their neighbors with unpredictable challenges such as an accident, injury or illness. We also found this same pattern in an online study of U.S.-based participants.
In contrast, people such as the ranchers we studied are more likely to expect to be paid back for help when needs arise because of more predictable challenges such as branding cattle or paying bills.
Catastrophic insurance, not tit for tat
What all this research suggests is that friendship is less about the exchange of favors and more about being there for each other when unforeseeable disaster strikes. Friendship seems more like an insurance plan designed to kick in when you need it most rather than a system of balanced exchange.
What lets these partnerships endure is not only generosity, but also restraint and responsibility: Maasai expect their osotua partners to take care of themselves when they can and to ask only when help is truly needed. That balance of care, respect and self-management offers a useful model.
In a world of growing uncertainty, cultivating risk-pooling friendships and striving to be a good partner yourself may help you build resilience. Our ancestors survived with the help of this kind of relationship; our future may depend on them too.
Beginning July 16, 2022, people struggling with mental health crises can now call 988, a new number focused on providing lifesaving suicide prevention and crisis services. But 988 is not just a shorter, easier-to-remember replacement for the current suicide hotline. Congress and the Federal Communications Commission also established the 988 Lifeline to address longstanding concerns in mental health care.
The Conversation asked Derek Lee, a PhD student at The Ohio State University in Counselor Education and Supervision and a therapist, to explain the new service and how it is different from the old hotline. Lee’s academic and research focus is on suicide, including training, intervention and prevention.
What is 988?
The three-digit number is part of a new national mental health program. In 2020, the Federal Communications Commission designated 988 as the help line number, and Congress authorized funding for the 988 Lifeline Program.
Can people still call 1-800-273-TALK?
Sure. The soon-to-be old number has been operational since 2005, but it will not be going away just yet.
July 16 is when 988 went live nationally and callers can also begin using it to call, text or chat.
A major problem is that call centers don’t always have the staff or the technology to handle growing numbers of calls.
Calls that in-state centers are unable to answer get rerouted to centers out of state through the system’s backup network. This means that the operator may be less familiar with local crises, according to a spokesperson for Vibrant Emotional Health, the nonprofit that administers the crisis line program. Or incoming calls might simply “bunch up,” creating a telephone logjam, and leave callers waiting on hold “too long,” a time period the report does not define.
The report does note, however, that there isn’t a consistent standard for wait times, staffing or other operational aspects of the call centers. State governments regulate them, and they are independently operated.
How will 988 be different?
That’s unclear. Vibrant hasn’t released specific plans. Congress hasn’t either, but the Behavioral Crisis Services Expansion Act introduced last year requires call centers to “offer air traffic control-quality coordination of crisis care in real-time.”
Where will the money come from to pay for all this?
The shift to 988 comes with funding at the state and federal levels, as well as federal oversight to assure equitable access. Initial funding is coming through federal channels, including the American Rescue Plan, Community Mental Health Services Block Grant and President Biden’s proposed 2022 fiscal year budget. Most of the long-term funding will come from individual states.
Why is all this happening now?
Much of the discussion began during the pandemic, which really brought mental health issues to the forefront. A study of 8 million calls to help lines in 19 countries and regions found that call volumes jumped during the initial wave of coronavirus infections. At the six-week peak, the total number of calls was 35% higher than before the pandemic.
Anyone who needs help with their mental health, particularly people in crisis. A major goal of the 988 Lifeline is creating equity in mental health services, especially for those who have not always had consistent or reliable access to mental health care.
For example, Vibrant will provide operators who speak both English and Spanish and telephone interpreter service in over 150 additional languages.
One improvement experts would like to see is the implementation of virtual visits with mental health professionals for those who can’t travel to in-person appointments, like people with disabilities or those in rural areas.
Editor’s note: This story has been updated to reflect Vibrant Emotional Health’s most recent plans for the 988 Lifeline.
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