If you’re in an abusive relationship, you may not realize that your behavior encourages the relationship’s unhealthy dynamics. Often codependents are in abusive relationships with addicts or people who have mental illness. From my personal and professional experience, it’s hard – nearly impossible – to change the dynamics in abusive relationships without support, particularly in a long-term relationship.

This makes sense considering the definition of codependency. Codependents have a “lost self,” in that their thinking and behavior revolve around someone else. Due to dysfunctional parenting, codependents have lost touch with their ability to respond to their internal cues. They’ve come to believe that they’re inferior and that what they feel, think, need, and/or want, is unimportant. This is their hidden shame. As a result, they hold an unconscious belief that they don’t truly deserve to be loved simply for who they are, but that they have to earn love. This causes basic insecurity and fear of being abandoned.

Codependency originates in childhood, including core symptoms of shame (such as low self-esteem), denial, dependency control (including “caretaking“), dysfunctional communication, and dysfunctional boundaries. How these traits set the stage for painful relationships is explained in Conquering Shame and Codependency.

The Role of Codependency in Relationships

Because many codependents have become alienated from their feelings, the drama of an intimate relationship with someone addicted or mentally disordered can feel energizing or familiar if their childhood was similar. Additionally, addicts and people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often charismatic and romantic. They can be seductive and love-bomb their codependent partner with compliments, promises, and gestures of love. Codependents yearn for love and connection, and being desired makes them feel lovable. But their dependency and low self-esteem make them susceptible to seduction, and they confuse romance with real love.

Codependents cope with fears of criticism, rejection, and abandonment by giving, understanding, pleasing, and being helpful. Their partner defines the relationship, and they go along to get along and maintain it. In fact, their brain habituates to being controlled. They admire a narcissist’s boldness, conviction, and perceived strength (qualities they themselves lack) and enjoy a supportive role and feeling taken care of. With addicts and persons with BPD, they’re often in the role of helper and nurturer. To the codependent, being needed feels like love. It boosts their self-esteem and assures them that they won’t ever be abandoned. However, addicts and people with NPD and BPD have deep shame, and they project their inner demons onto the very individual who loves and is trying to help them.

Codependents’ reactive role amplifies their focus on their partner, while they hide who they are. They increasingly try to control the uncontrollable, sacrifice themselves, and try harder to please and be accepted. Although at first, they were idealized, now they’re devalued. A person with BPD vacillates between idealizing-caring behavior and devaluing-rejecting behavior. Instead of acting needy as someone with BPD, people with NPD act needless and can be remote and emotionally cold. Some may show friendliness toward their partner, while others are continually critical and contemptuous. The more that love is withheld or inconsistent, the more codependents try to win it, falling into the trap of turning over their self-esteem and sense of well-being to their partner. They never feel good enough, reinforcing their hidden shame.

How Abusive Relationships Worsen Codependency

This unspoken contract works for a while because codependents provide safety and stability to an emotional, insecure addict or partner with BPD and provide missing warmth and connection to a partner with NPD. But due to their own insecurity and weak boundaries, codependents absorb the blame, guilt, and shame dished out by abusers. They feel powerless to help and satisfy their partner, guilty for “mistakes” they’re accused of and resentful that their efforts are unappreciated and fail. As the relationship deteriorates, so does the codependent’s sense of self.

All the symptoms of codependency contribute to the dysfunctional relationship, which if untreated, worsen over time. Codependents become further alienated from themselves and enter into the later stages of their illness. The very traits that made the relationship work become its undoing.

The dynamics in abusive relationships heighten codependents’ stress and escalate their attempts to appease and help their partners. The reality of the addicts or personality disordered individuals starts to infect the codependents’ self-concept and perceptions of reality, also. Their self-esteem is lowered and they become more anxious and drained trying to abate a crisis, avoid abuse, and hold the relationship together.

While trying to adapt to and control someone else so that they can feel better, codependents move away from real solutions. They hold a misguided belief that they’re responsible for their partners’ feelings and needs while ignoring their own. Their behavior reinforces their partner’s false belief that they’re at fault and are responsible for his or her addiction and pain. The longer codependents do this, the worse things get. They both deny their own pain and prevent their partner from taking responsibility for his or her behavior, needs, and feelings and from getting help. This is called “enabling.” Codependents’ denial blinds them to the fact that their beliefs and behavior contribute to their unhappiness and that they have options to change.

Changing the Dynamics in Abusive Relationships

The answer is doing the complete opposite of what comes naturally to the codependent. First and foremost is seeing another view of reality, because partners become isolated and confused by the attacks, threats, and skewed reality of addicts, or people with BPD or NPD. It’s important to learn all you can about addiction and these disorders as well as codependency. Change doesn’t really begin until partners focus on their own recovery, not in changing the other person, over whom they’re essentially powerless. That doesn’t mean that they don’t have any power or choices, but it’s over their own actions and lives.

Learning about addiction, BPD and NPD, and accepting these truths at a deep level enable them to detach and not react to what someone else decides to throw at them just because they’re uncomfortable in their own skin. They begin to realize that although their words may hurt, they’re not true. Detaching doesn’t require leaving or being aloof. It’s like having an invisible, protective force field. Instead of reacting, they learn to honor what they need, feel, and want. They look to meet those needs from people who are safe and supportive. As their self-worth grows, they learn to be assertive. Their personal boundaries improve, and they ask for what they want and set limits on what they don’t.

This isn’t easy, but their courage grows in recovery. They might get strong enough to leave or insist that their partner get treatment. Even if they don’t, they discover that their lives are happier, because they’ve taken charge of their own self-esteem and sense of well-being.

Parenting a Child with BPD or NPD

Because codependents lack communication skills and boundaries, parents react to their troubled child in unhelpful ways. Their child has been used to getting demands met and running the show, often without any responsibility. All children need boundaries with consistent consequences, especially those with NPD and BPD. Sometimes parents blow up in frustration, which makes them feel guilty and shames their child. To compensate, they might relent on a boundary, making matters worse. Punishment and consequences should never be administered in anger, but in a matter-of-fact tone, and ideally should relate to the offense; e.g., “If you throw food, you must clean it up (or leave the table).”

Children need support and their feelings mirrored, but not indulged. They especially need to be taught empathy and the impact of their behavior on others. It’s important to model this and respect their feelings. Let them know that their actions affect other people in either positive or counterproductive ways. For example: “How would it feel if your friend stole your toy)? Would you be hurt or angry? What about when your friend shares a toy? When you take your friend’s toy, he won’t want to play with you.” Children with BPD need to learn self-soothing techniques and be guided to take gradual steps toward independence and self-sufficiency.

Parents underestimate the power and leverage they have to insist that their child behave, get counseling, complete chores, or seek employment. Often, they’re afraid that their child with BPD will die or commit suicide. Their fears make them easier to manipulate. By not reacting, children will realize that their manipulative tactics no longer work. However, it takes tremendous courage for parents to stay steadfast regardless. It’s not easy to keep calm and love a child who is constantly disobedient, threatening, and saying cruel things. Outside support is essential. Seek psychotherapy and Twelve-Step meetings, such as CoDA or Al-Anon. If addiction is involved, find an appropriate meeting for relatives of substance abusers.

If you’re dealing with someone highly defensive or narcissistic, follow the steps in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships.

© 2019 Darlene Lancer

In committed relationships, conflict is inevitable, but how couples handle that conflict determines their longevity. Among the most damaging behaviors is stonewalling: the act of shutting down, withdrawing, and emotionally disengaging during a discussion or argument [1.5].

The renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified stonewalling as the last of his Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—four communication patterns that are highly predictive of relationship failure [1.7]. A partner who stonewalls metaphorically “builds a wall” between themselves and their loved one, becoming totally unresponsive [1.1].

Recognizing Stonewalling vs. Healthy Space

It is critical to distinguish stonewalling from simply needing a break.

Stonewalling is an uncommunicated withdrawal, often involving evasive maneuvers like avoiding eye contact, turning away, acting busy, or simply refusing to respond. It leaves the other partner feeling rejected, unheard, and desperate to restore connection, sometimes leading to “attachment panic” [1.7, 1.3].

Healthy Space is communicated and time-bound: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to take 30 minutes to calm down. I promise we will come back and finish this conversation later.” [1.1, 1.10].

Why Does Stonewalling Happen? The Science of Flooding

Stonewalling is rarely a malicious choice; it is often a physiological survival mechanism.

The core reason for withdrawal is physiological flooding (or Diffuse Physiological Arousal, DPA). When one partner feels overwhelmed by the conflict, their nervous system enters the fight, flight, or freeze response [1.4].

In this state, the body releases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, and the heart rate can spike above 100 beats per minute. When this happens:

• The brain cannot function rationally; the ability to process information, listen, and empathize decreases [1.1].
• The partner physically shuts down to protect themselves or “self-soothe” [1.2].

The irony is that while the stonewaller is attempting to calm down, their partner experiences them as cold, distant, and uncaring, often escalating the conflict [1.7].

The Antidote: STOP and Self-Soothing

Dr. Gottman’s research offers a clear, two-step antidote to stonewalling for both the person who withdraws and the person on the receiving end.

1. STOP the Conversation and Request a Break [1.3]

The moment either partner feels the physiological signs of flooding (increased heart rate, tension, feeling overwhelmed, or the urge to withdraw), they must call a time-out.

• Agree on a signal beforehand: Use a neutral phrase like, “I need a time-out,” or a gentle gesture.
• Set a return time: The partner initiating the break must state when they will reconvene, for example: “I need 20 minutes to calm down. Let’s talk again at 7:30 PM.” Leaving the conversation “hanging” is just stonewalling [1.8].

2. Practice Physiological Self-Soothing (for at least 20 minutes) [1.3]

It takes a minimum of 20 minutes for the body’s physiological arousal to subside and for stress hormones to diffuse [1.3]. During this time, it is crucial to avoid rehearsing the argument or planning comebacks [2.7].

Effective self-soothing activities include:

• Calming Movement: Taking a short walk or exercising to burn off adrenaline [1.2].
• Grounding: Practicing deep breathing (like box breathing) or focusing on your five senses [1.2].
• Distraction: Reading a book, listening to music, or cuddling a pet [2.7].

When the partners return, they should re-engage with a “gentle start-up”—using “I” statements and avoiding blame—to ensure the conversation remains productive [2.7].

If Stonewalling is Chronic or Manipulative

While genuine stonewalling is rooted in flooding, chronic or sustained stonewalling (often resembling the Silent Treatment) can be a form of manipulation or control [2.3]. If the behavior is used to punish you, avoid accountability, or constantly leaves you questioning your sanity, it may be time to set firm boundaries or seek professional help [1.10, 2.1]. A Gottman Method-trained therapist can help couples learn healthy communication strategies to prevent flooding and build emotional safety [1.4, 2.3].

If you’d like to dive deeper into the relationship-damaging effects of the other three horsemen—Criticism, Defensiveness, and Contempt—let me know!

Understanding the psychology behind this behavior can help. You can learn more about Gottman’s research in this video: John Gottman’s Horsemen STONEWALLING (Relationship Advice).

The old adage says actions speak louder than words, but in modern relationships, it’s easy to forget just how powerful that is. You can say “I love you” a thousand times, but if those words aren’t backed by daily commitment, they mean very little.

The quote sets a clear standard: “A real man doesn’t just say he loves her—he shows it in every action.”

This is the non-negotiable definition of a mature, loving partner. It’s a love built on respect, loyalty, and care, not just fleeting romance. Here are the brightest red flags of commitment—the seven ways a real man proves his love every single day.

1. He Protects Her Worth and Dignity (Public & Private)

A true partner understands that protecting his woman isn’t about fighting physical battles; it’s about safeguarding her emotional and social standing.

• He protects his woman from humiliation, betrayal, and disrespect.
• This means never telling embarrassing stories about her for a laugh, never flirting with other people, and immediately shutting down family members or friends who speak ill of her. If she is disrespected, he makes it clear that he stands with her. Loyalty isn’t passive; it’s active.

2. He Defends Her to the World (The Stand-By-Her Rule)

He stands by her, defends her, and honors her worth. A man who truly loves his partner ensures everyone knows her value. This is particularly important when she is not present to defend herself.

He doesn’t let her flaws be the subject of casual gossip, nor does he allow others to minimize her achievements. In his eyes, she is valued, not a pawn to be used for social gain or dismissed when inconvenient. This action is the purest form of public respect.

3. He Makes Her Feel Emotionally Safe

Safety in a relationship is the foundation of love. A real man creates a space where his partner can be completely vulnerable without fear of punishment.

This means:

• Consistency: Showing up when he says he will, both physically and emotionally.
• Active Listening: Putting down his phone and giving her his full attention when she needs to talk, validating her feelings even if he doesn’t fully understand them.
• Non-Judgment: She knows she can share her deepest fears or past mistakes without being shamed or having that information weaponized against her later.

4. He Doesn’t Require a “Praise Tax”

A mature man doesn’t perform acts of service just to hear praise. He doesn’t keep a mental scorecard, tallying who did what last. He helps, supports, and contributes because the relationship is a partnership and he genuinely cares about easing her burdens.

His actions are driven by care, not transactional expectation. He sees her needs and addresses them without being asked, whether it’s loading the dishwasher or taking on an emotional burden.

5. He Prioritizes Time Over Gifts (Quality Investment)

While gifts are nice, the most precious resource a person has is time. A man who shows love prioritizes quality time and presence.

He doesn’t just “fit her in.” He plans dates, he engages in shared hobbies, and he fully participates in the small, mundane moments of life. This demonstrates that investing in the life they build together is his highest priority.

6. He Takes Responsibility for His Mistakes

A boy makes excuses; a man owns his errors. When a real man messes up, he doesn’t use blame, gaslighting, or defensiveness.

His actions demonstrate accountability:

1. He genuinely apologizes, focusing on how his actions affected her, not just saying “I’m sorry.”
2. He shows a clear commitment to changing the behavior, not just repeating the mistake.
3. He understands that an apology is a promise to do better.

7. He Builds Her Up, Never Tears Her Down

A man who loves his woman is her greatest cheerleader. He constantly reinforces her strength and ambition. He sees her potential and encourages her to achieve it, never becoming intimidated by her success.

He actively works to boost her confidence, especially when she’s struggling, and celebrates her victories as his own. He is proud to honor her worth and show the world that she is his most valuable teammate.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the words “I love you” are merely the summary of a thousand daily, deliberate actions. True love isn’t just words; it’s respect, loyalty, and care, every single day.

If you are looking for a partner, focus less on grand gestures and more on the consistency and quality of his daily actions. That is where a real man is found.

Understanding Possessive In-Law Behavior and How to Navigate It

Quick Answer: A possessive mother-in-law displays 12 key behaviors: disrespecting boundaries, monopolizing her son’s time, gossiping behind your back, communicating through her son instead of directly, driving wedges in the marriage, creating conflict, sabotaging plans, excluding you from family events, causing chronic stress, badmouthing you to relatives, constant criticism, and making you feel inadequate. Research shows that healthy boundaries and direct communication are essential for managing these dynamics.

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Marriage is supposed to be a joyous union between two people—but sometimes it feels like you’re competing for your husband’s attention with the woman who raised him. When a mother struggles to accept that her son has created his own family unit, it can create significant tension and conflict that threatens the health of your marriage.

Understanding the psychology behind possessive maternal behavior and learning to identify warning signs can help you navigate this challenging family dynamic while protecting your relationship.

The Psychology Behind Maternal Possessiveness

When adult children marry, their parents naturally experience a shift in family dynamics. For most parents, this transition happens gradually and healthily. However, some mothers struggle with feelings of loss, displacement, and fear of abandonment.

Common Root Causes

Enmeshment: Some mother-son relationships lack healthy boundaries from childhood, creating an unhealthy emotional dependence.

Identity issues: Mothers whose primary identity centered on motherhood may struggle when that role naturally diminishes.

Fear of abandonment: Past losses or insecurities can manifest as clinging behavior and resistance to change.

Control needs: Some individuals cope with anxiety by maintaining control over their adult children’s lives.

Unresolved marital issues: Mothers in unsatisfying marriages sometimes inappropriately rely on sons for emotional fulfillment.

Understanding these underlying causes doesn’t excuse problematic behavior, but it can provide context for developing effective strategies to address it.

12 Warning Signs of Possessive Mother-in-Law Behavior

1. Persistent Boundary Violations

Healthy relationships require mutual respect for personal boundaries. A possessive mother-in-law consistently ignores or dismisses the boundaries you establish.

How this manifests:

• Arriving at your home without notice or invitation
• Entering your home without knocking
• Making decisions about your household without consulting you
• Discussing your private matters without permission
• Overriding your parenting choices if you have children
• Disregarding your schedule and availability

According to life coach Mitzi Bockmann, maintaining mutual respect is one of the most critical boundaries in healthy relationships. Respect is cultivated by speaking to each other honestly, sharing feelings and needs openly, and avoiding personal attacks or criticism of each other’s behaviors and actions.

The impact: Constant boundary violations leave you feeling disrespected, powerless, and like a guest in your own life. This dynamic can create resentment that spills into your marriage.

2. Monopolizing Her Son’s Time and Attention

While maintaining parent-child relationships after marriage is healthy, excessive demands for time and attention signal possessiveness.

How this manifests:

• Daily phone calls that last hours
• Expecting your husband to be available at all times
• Creating “emergencies” that require immediate attention
• Scheduling family events without considering your plans
• Expressing hurt feelings when her son prioritizes you
• Competing with you for his attention at gatherings

Therapist Dr. Alexandra Solomon explains that many husbands remain trapped in “little boy mode,” failing to establish clear boundaries between their maternal relationship and their role as a partner. Over time, this pattern erodes your marriage’s foundation, while simultaneously giving his mother permission to believe she should indeed be the priority in his life.

The impact: You feel like the third wheel in your own marriage, constantly fighting for the attention your spouse should freely give you.

3. Behind-the-Back Communication

Healthy family relationships include open, direct communication. When your mother-in-law consistently discusses you with her son privately rather than addressing concerns directly, it’s a red flag.

How this manifests:

• Sharing complaints about you with your husband
• Asking him to relay messages instead of speaking to you
• Having private conversations that exclude you
• Creating a “them versus you” dynamic
• Undermining your credibility through selective information sharing

There’s a natural trust difference between partnerships and parent-child relationships. However, when a mother exploits this by positioning herself as an ally against you, it damages both relationships.

The impact: This behavior creates an unhealthy triangle dynamic where you’re always defending yourself against conversations you weren’t part of.

4. Triangulation and Indirect Communication

Triangulation occurs when someone refuses to communicate directly with you, instead using a third party—in this case, her son—as a messenger.

How this manifests:

• “Tell your wife that…”
• Sending messages through your husband
• Refusing to speak to you at family events
• Addressing all questions and comments to her son, even about you
• Creating situations where you must go through him to reach her

This deliberate communication breakdown shows fundamental disrespect while simultaneously placing your husband in an uncomfortable mediator role.

The impact: This petty behavior creates unnecessary stress, frustrates everyone involved, and prevents any possibility of developing a healthy relationship.

5. Active Attempts to Create Marital Distance

Some mothers-in-law go beyond passive resistance to actively working to damage your marriage.

How this manifests:

• Planting seeds of doubt about your commitment
• Exaggerating minor disagreements you’ve had
• Sharing “concerns” about your character or behavior
• Reminding her son of past relationships
• Suggesting he’d be happier without you
• Attempting to create financial or logistical dependence on her

Psychologist Margot Brown stresses that keeping your private marital issues confidential is critical to preventing them from being weaponized to drive distance between you and your husband. Without your husband’s willingness to prioritize your partnership and stand united, these divisive tactics can compound over time, creating the exact impasse the jealous mother-in-law desires.

The impact: These calculated maneuvers aim to destabilize your marriage so her son will return to depending primarily on her.

6. Deliberate Conflict Creation

Rather than supporting her son’s happiness, a possessive mother-in-law may actively work to create problems in his marriage.

How this manifests:

• Making inflammatory comments designed to start arguments
• Revealing information meant to hurt or embarrass you
• Creating situations that force choosing between you and her
• Questioning your husband’s choices in your presence
• Expressing disapproval of your marriage decisions

If she dislikes you or feels threatened by the time you spend with her son, a toxic mother-in-law will use manipulative tactics to create friction between you.

The impact: Constant manufactured drama exhausts both partners and makes every family interaction feel like navigating a minefield.

7. Systematic Plan Sabotage

Deliberately interfering with your plans serves multiple purposes: asserting dominance, testing loyalty, and creating tension.

How this manifests:

• Scheduling conflicting events after learning your plans
• Creating “emergencies” on important dates
• Making last-minute demands that disrupt your schedule
• Booking trips or visits without consulting you
• Planning family events that exclude or inconvenience you

According to social worker Jan Carey, one of the most damaging patterns in these dynamics is when “plans are made without consulting the spouse,” which is a direct violation of mutual respect and autonomy in your marriage. When your mother-in-law consistently makes arrangements, schedules family events, or intercepts your plans without your input, she’s testing your loyalty while simultaneously creating friction between you and your husband.

The impact: Repeated interference makes it impossible to maintain your own family traditions or create plans without anxiety about disruption.

8. Social Exclusion and Invisibility

Being deliberately ignored or excluded from family activities sends a clear message: you’re not considered part of the family.

How this manifests:

• Not acknowledging your presence at gatherings
• Excluding you from family photos
• Leaving you out of conversations
• Not introducing you to extended family
• Forgetting to inform you of family news or events
• Acting as if you don’t exist when making plans

This passive-aggressive behavior aims to make you feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, hoping you’ll eventually withdraw from family events.

The impact: Social exclusion is emotionally painful and creates an uncomfortable dynamic where your husband must constantly advocate for your inclusion.

9. Creating a Constant State of Stress

Some mothers-in-law seem determined to keep you perpetually off-balance and overwhelmed.

How this manifests:

• Frequent unexpected visits or demands
• Last-minute changes to agreed-upon plans
• Emotional manipulation through guilt or tears
• Creating urgency around non-urgent matters
• Pushing your buttons on sensitive topics
• Never allowing you to relax in her presence

According to Toni Falcone, a licensed psychologist, emotional manipulation and the accompanying stress can take its toll on you. If you notice that you feel exhausted, down, begin doubting yourself, or feel bad about yourself after interactions with this relative, there may be something unhealthy, toxic, or manipulative occurring in the relationship.

The impact: Chronic stress from this relationship affects your mental health, physical wellbeing, and ability to enjoy your marriage.

10. Family-Wide Reputation Damage

A particularly destructive tactic involves turning other family members against you through negative narratives.

How this manifests:

• Sharing twisted versions of events with relatives
• Highlighting your mistakes while ignoring your contributions
• Creating an “us versus her” family dynamic
• Positioning herself as the victim of your supposed behavior
• Rallying family members to her side in conflicts

According to psychology expert Shahida Arabi, a smear campaign is a classic narcissistic manipulation tactic. A mother-in-law uses this tactic to control the narrative and keep your partner caught between loyalty to her and loyalty to you.

The impact: This poisoning of family relationships makes gatherings unbearable and isolates you from potential allies who might otherwise support your marriage.

11. Perpetual Inadequacy Messages

Nothing you do ever measures up, and you receive constant feedback that you’re failing.

How this manifests:

• Criticizing your cooking, cleaning, or homemaking
• Comparing you unfavorably to her or others
• Nitpicking your choices and decisions
• Expressing disappointment in your accomplishments
• Interfering with your tasks to “fix” them
• Never offering genuine praise or appreciation

This relentless negativity aims to undermine your confidence and make you question your worth.

The impact: Constant criticism damages self-esteem and can create anxiety around family interactions, knowing nothing you do will be accepted.

12. Unrelenting Criticism and Negativity

Beyond making you feel inadequate, some mothers-in-law maintain a consistently critical attitude toward everything about you.

How this manifests:

• Making rude comments about your appearance, job, or background
• Passive-aggressive remarks about your choices
• Expressing disapproval of your marriage openly
• Criticizing you to your husband and other family members
• Finding fault with everything you say or do
• Never having anything positive to say about you

The impact: This constant negativity creates a toxic atmosphere where you dread interactions and feel unwelcome in your own extended family.

The Role of Your Husband

Your husband’s response to his mother’s behavior significantly impacts how these dynamics affect your marriage.

Critical Questions to Consider:

• Does he recognize problematic behavior?
• Does he defend you or make excuses for her?
• Does he set and enforce boundaries with her?
• Does he prioritize your marriage over his mother’s feelings?
• Does he communicate directly with her about issues?
• Does he validate your experiences and feelings?

Many men struggle with guilt about disappointing their mothers or feel torn between two important relationships. However, marriage requires that spouses prioritize their partnership over their family of origin.

Strategies for Managing This Dynamic

1. Establish and Maintain Clear Boundaries

Define what behaviors you will and won’t accept, then consistently enforce those boundaries.

Effective boundaries might include:

• Requiring advance notice before visits
• Limiting phone call frequency or duration
• Establishing that certain topics are off-limits
• Protecting your private marital information
• Requiring direct communication rather than triangulation

2. Present a United Front

You and your husband must operate as a team when dealing with his mother.

This means:

• Discussing issues privately before addressing them
• Supporting each other publicly
• Making decisions together about family involvement
• Not allowing her to drive wedges between you
• Backing each other up when boundaries are tested

3. Try Understanding Her Perspective

While not excusing bad behavior, understanding underlying insecurities can help you respond more effectively.

Consider:

• What fears might be driving her behavior?
• What needs is she trying to meet inappropriately?
• How might she be experiencing this transition?
• What past experiences might inform her current behavior?

This understanding can guide more effective communication strategies.

4. Communicate Directly and Compassionately

When possible, address issues directly with your mother-in-law rather than through your husband.

Effective communication includes:

• Speaking calmly and respectfully
• Using “I” statements about your feelings
• Being specific about problematic behaviors
• Expressing desire for a positive relationship
• Listening to her perspective
• Finding common ground when possible

According to Clinical Hypnotherapist and Family Expert Keya Murthy, the way to handle a jealous mother-in-law is to be blunt, open, and frank. “The way to win an enemy is not through aggression or flattery but communication. Talk to her and include her on occasional family outings.”

5. Include Her Appropriately

Sometimes possessive behavior stems from feeling excluded or replaced. Strategic inclusion can reduce tension.

Ways to include her:

• Inviting her to occasional activities (on your terms)
• Sharing appropriate updates about your lives
• Acknowledging important dates and occasions
• Expressing appreciation for positive contributions
• Treating her as a valued family member (when appropriate)

“When you marry a person, you marry into the family. A jealous mother-in-law is an insecure woman. Do what you can to make her feel secure while maintaining your boundaries. Be friends, do your best, and forget the rest. When you fuss too much over her, you give her more power,” says Murthy.

6. Protect Your Mental Health

Don’t sacrifice your wellbeing trying to fix this relationship.

Self-care strategies:

• Limit exposure when necessary
• Seek support from friends or therapy
• Maintain your own identity and interests
• Don’t internalize her criticism
• Remember this reflects her issues, not your worth

7. Know When to Step Back

Despite your best efforts, some relationships remain toxic. It’s okay to minimize contact or establish significant distance if the relationship consistently damages your wellbeing or marriage.

When Professional Help Is Needed

Consider seeking professional support if:

• The situation is causing significant marital conflict
• Your mental health is suffering
• Boundary violations continue despite clear communication
• The behavior escalates rather than improves
• You need help developing effective strategies
• Your husband struggles to set appropriate boundaries

Family therapists specializing in in-law dynamics can provide valuable tools and perspective.

Red Flags That Require Immediate Action

Some behaviors cross the line from difficult to dangerous:

• Threats or intimidation
• Attempts to turn your children against you
• Deliberate sabotage of your career or finances
• Spreading malicious lies that could cause real harm
• Stalking or harassment
• Physical aggression

These situations may require legal intervention, complete no-contact, or other protective measures.

Key Takeaways

Warning signs of possessive mother-in-law behavior:

1. Boundary violations
2. Time monopolization
3. Behind-the-back communication
4. Triangulation
5. Creating marital distance
6. Conflict creation
7. Plan sabotage
8. Social exclusion
9. Chronic stress creation
10. Reputation damage
11. Inadequacy messages
12. Constant criticism

Remember:

• Your marriage must be your priority
• You cannot fix this alone—your husband must be involved
• Boundaries protect your relationship
• Not all mother-in-law relationships can be healthy
• Your wellbeing matters
• Professional help is available
• You deserve respect in your own family

Navigating a difficult mother-in-law relationship requires patience, clear communication, firm boundaries, and a united partnership with your spouse. While some relationships improve with time and effort, others may require significant distance for your marriage to thrive.

Your relationship with your husband is the foundation—protect it, nurture it, and don’t allow anyone, including his mother, to undermine what you’ve built together.

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Disclaimer: This article provides general guidance based on common relationship patterns. Individual situations vary significantly, and professional counseling may be beneficial for navigating complex family dynamics.

Six tips when talking to someone you’re worried about.

THE BASICS

Source: Curious Colleciibles /Pixabay

Kate’s best friend at work is Simone, and she’s worried about her. At the last staff meeting, Simone made some comments that seemed inappropriate and out of context to the discussion. Knowing Simone’s history, she’s wondering if Simone was high on something.

Carly noticed that her husband, Jack, had been racking up a lot of purchases on the credit card. She knows he has a history of impulsive buying.

If you care about someone, you naturally worry about them: You worry about your sister who’s been drinking too much, your best friend who is engaging in unsafe sex or hanging out with the wrong crowd, your father who has had a chronic cough but refuses to go to the doctor. You’re worried and frustrated. When you’ve tried to bring it up, they either:

• Deny what you’re saying: That’s not true
• Minimize what’s happening: It was one time
• Or simply cut off the conversation: I don’t want to talk about this

Conversations like these have two built-in challenges. First, at this starting point, your concern is your problem, not theirs (or they’d be working on it). Second, when you bring it up, they likely feel criticized or micromanaged and become defensive.

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Here are six suggestions that may help:

1. Talk About and Own Your Worry

The key starting point is acknowledging that this is your worry, not necessarily theirs: There’s something that’s been worrying me for a while. If you start by saying I think you have a problem, the other person will reflexively become defensive.

2. Talk About Behaviors, Not Your Assumed Underlying Motivations

Kate talks about the staff meeting. Carly shows Jack the credit card statement. You say to your sister that she was actually staggering at the family party and that others noticed. Your friend told you last week that she is afraid she might, yet again, be pregnant. Or say to your father that he mentioned that he feels his cough is getting worse. Stick to the facts rather than your assumptions about the underlying problem—that Simone is addicted, that Jack is depressed, that your friend is still struggling with her divorce, or your father has always had some phobia about doctors. You can sidestep getting in the weeds of whose reality is right.

3. Avoid Using The Words You and Should

Anytime you say “you,” you’re pointing your finger at the other person. Saying “should” sounds like a command that usually triggers a lot of psychological baggage. Instead, use I. And use words that convey soft emotions like worry and concern, rather than hard emotions like anger and frustration.

By changing your language, you change the tone.

4. Tie Your Problem to Theirs; Focus on Ends, Not Means

Kate knows that Simone is hoping to get a promotion. Carly and Jack have been planning on buying a house.

Rather than Kate harping on her worry about Simone’s substance use, she ties her concern to Simone’s desire to be promoted: I’m worried that your comments in the staff meeting might change their view of you.

Similarly, Jack says: We both agree that we want to buy a house; I’m worried about the spending, and I’m concerned that this will affect our credit rating.

You don’t want to sweep your bigger concerns under the rug, but as a starting point, focus on what might motivate them—their problems—rather than yours.

Stay focused on ends, not means. Rather than pushing Simone, Jack, your friend, and your dad to get into therapy, make sure they hear your biggest concern.

5. If They Get Defensive

Despite your noble efforts to do it right, they can become emotionally triggered. This may be time for first aid. The topic is no longer on the table; the problem now is the emotion. Though you tend to push harder with your argument or talk louder, don’t. Instead, ask in a calm voice why they are upset. Then, let them vent; apologize if you sounded too critical or scolding, or violated the boundaries of the relationship.

This is not about giving up but simply fixing the emotional problem in the room. You can always circle back.

6. Listen and Ask How to Help

You’ve done your best to get your concerns on the table; you circle back. Next steps? The next steps are theirs—they say they appreciate what you said; they squabble over facts; they get angry or change topics as though you’ve never even said anything.

Whatever the response, your response is just to listen and see what unfolds; their reactions will tell you the next steps—leave them alone, offer to help, avoid as best you can, and not argue over facts. If their reaction is positive, thank them for listening and ask how you can help.

And if they are angry? If their reaction is negative, apologize for unintentionally hurting their feelings, and underscore once again your concern. Leave them alone to process. Check-in after a few days, again with a quick apology but with a desire to move forward.

Offering the olive branch is about repairing the relationship and needs to happen before you decide to push on with your worry or not.

The goal is knowing what’s the best you can do and making the effort. The reality check is that you can only control what you can control.

In today’s world of social media validation and self-promotion, distinguishing between healthy confidence and narcissistic behavior has become increasingly challenging. Understanding the warning signs of narcissism can help protect you from entering or remaining in harmful relationships.

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism is characterized by excessive self-importance, a constant need for attention and admiration, and an inability to empathize with others. While narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed more frequently in men, people of any gender can exhibit narcissistic traits even without meeting full diagnostic criteria.

Types of Narcissism

There are two primary manifestations: grandiose narcissism, where individuals constantly seek the spotlight and discuss themselves, and vulnerable narcissism, marked by insecurity and heightened sensitivity to criticism.

Narcissistic vs. Domestic Abuse

While domestic abuse involves control through fear and violence, narcissistic abuse operates through manipulation and emotional control. This form of abuse can be more subtle and harder to identify, making it particularly insidious.

According to research, approximately one in three women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, affecting roughly 1.6 million women aged 16-74 in the United States alone.

Recognizing Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical marks but can be equally damaging. Watch for these patterns:

• Constant criticism, name-calling, or humiliation
• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
• Threats and intimidation
• Attempts to control your activities, relationships, or emotions
• Efforts to isolate you from support systems
• Making you feel worthless or dependent

12 Warning Signs of a Narcissist

1. Self-Centered Conversation

Narcissists dominate conversations by constantly talking about themselves to appear impressive.

2. Attention-Seeking Behavior

They consistently position themselves as the focal point, interrupting others and making grandiose statements to maintain centrality.

3. Validation Dependency

They constantly seek external validation through compliments and attention.

4. Manipulation and Control

Skilled manipulators, narcissists use flattery, charm, or coercion to achieve their goals and control others.

5. Empathy Deficit

Unable to understand or share others’ feelings, narcissists lack compassion and cannot see situations from another’s perspective. This fundamental inability to empathize often leads them to hurt others emotionally and sometimes physically.

6. Jealousy

Narcissists envy your success, relationships, and happiness, feeling threatened by your joy and attempting to diminish it.

7. Dismissiveness

They disregard opinions and feelings that don’t align with their worldview, showing interest only in those who reflect their perceived greatness.

8. Hypercritical Nature

Quick to judge others while rejecting criticism themselves, narcissists belittle people to feel superior. Their competitive nature drives them to constantly one-up others.

9. Entitlement Mindset

Believing they deserve special treatment, narcissists expect others to cater to their needs while refusing to reciprocate.

10. Avoiding Responsibility

Narcissists blame inexperience, naivety, or ignorance for their behavior but never accept personal responsibility. When confronted, they redirect blame onto you, claiming all credit for successes while accepting no blame for failures.

11. Infallibility Complex

Narcissists refuse to admit being wrong and will lie or manipulate facts to maintain their position.

12. Inducing Self-Doubt

Relationships with narcissists create an environment where you constantly second-guess yourself, even when you’re confident in your position.

Understanding Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where narcissists make you question your own reality and memory. They might deny saying things they said or claim you said things you didn’t. This emotional abuse technique undermines your confidence and makes you doubt your perceptions.

Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting

If you’re experiencing gaslighting:

1. Recognize the pattern – Awareness is the first step toward protecting yourself
2. Build a support network – Maintain connections with trusted friends and family who can provide reality checks
3. Establish firm boundaries – Create clear limits about acceptable behavior and stand firm when the narcissist pushes back

Be prepared for negative reactions when setting boundaries, as narcissists often respond with anger or attempts to change your mind.

Biblical Perspective on Love

First Corinthians describes love as patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful or arrogant – essentially the opposite of narcissistic behavior. While healthy love involves compassion, kindness, and sacrifice, narcissistic love demands attention while rarely extending genuine care to others.

Can Narcissists Change?

While narcissists can control their behavior, they typically lack motivation to change since their actions successfully meet their needs. Narcissistic personality disorder is challenging to treat because those with NPD don’t believe anything is wrong, resulting in no desire for therapy or change.

Taking Action

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, seeking professional help is crucial. Resources are available through domestic violence hotlines and mental health professionals who specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery.

Remember: recognizing narcissistic behavior early can help you make informed decisions about your relationships and protect your emotional well-being. You deserve to be in relationships where you’re valued, respected, and treated with genuine care.

KEY POINTS:

Parents may attribute their child’s mental health symptoms to phases of adolescence.

Society often holds rigid gender stereotypes that expect boys to be tough.

We dismiss boys’ actions that don’t fit the narrow definition of what it means to be a “real man.”

Here are a few phrases that I have heard from parents and professionals to excuse atypical behaviors of boys:

“Boys will be boys.”

“Give him more time.”

“All boys do this.”

“Boys are supposed to be rough.”

“He is too young.”

That’s Just How Boys Are

No, it is not, which is my response when discussing the atypical behaviors seen in boys. While behaviors in boys vary depending upon the child, some atypical patterns of behavior negatively impact their social-emotional, language and communication, cognitive, and motor and physical development.

When these behaviors go unaddressed, boys may become more emboldened or continue with actions that disrupt their relationships or environments. This potentially enables negative behavior both in the short term and long term and can cause several consequences, including perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes, discouraging accountability, and hindering personal development.

When a boy’s maladaptive behaviors are merely excused, they may not learn the consequences of their actions. This lack of consequences can hinder their ability to take responsibility for their choices as they grow older.

Parents frequently share with me that when reporting their concerns about their boys’ abnormal behaviors, they were dismissed by professionals and told, “That’s just how boys are.” Parents feel helpless when this happens, yet they also start to accept that the behaviors they believed were odd were considered normal.

Thus, they wait to see if they improve on their own. This causes delays in appropriate interventions, such as psychological or educational testing, early childhood interventions, and therapy.

I am diagnosing many older children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) because their deficits in social communication, social interaction, and restricted and repetitive behaviors were dismissed by other professionals. These parents first reported symptoms when their boys were toddlers.

Ignoring Boy’s Behaviors

On the other hand, some parents excuse atypical behaviors in their boys, often referring to those behaviors as “boys will be boys” for various purposes. What is considered “normal” behavior for boys from parents varies depending on individual personalities, cultural and societal expectations, personal beliefs, and historical factors.

However, here are the most common reasons that I have found about why parents equate “boy behavior” as “normal” based on my experiences:

Fear of Diagnosis: Some parents may worry that a mental health diagnosis will label their child or negatively impact their future.

Misunderstanding: Parents may attribute their child’s mental health symptoms to phases of adolescence, moodiness, or typical teenage behavior.

Stigma: There is still a significant stigma around mental health issues in many societies.

Socialization: From an early age, children are socialized to conform to societal norms.

Gender Stereotypes: Society often holds rigid gender stereotypes that expect boys to be tough, independent, and unemotional.

Misconceptions about Masculinity: Some people mistakenly associate traditional masculinity with the suppression of certain emotions or behaviors, leading to the dismissal of boys’ actions that don’t fit this narrow definition of what it means to be a “real man.”

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Boys Need Help Too

Boys do need help and support, just like individuals of any gender. It is crucial to recognize that boys can face various challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, including issues related to mental health, education, relationships, and personal development.

Promoting awareness, understanding, and support for boys is an important part of creating a more equitable and compassionate society.

When parents express their concerns about unusual behaviors in their boys, take them seriously. It is just as essential to stop the “gender bias” and “gender stereotyping” that are often used to excuse the negative behaviors of boys.

Ignoring negative behaviors in boys causes several problems: Behaviors escalate, it negatively impacts their social relationships, and it can cause academic problems. Instead of overlooking atypical behaviors in boys, do this:

Identify and address problematic behavior early and constructively.

Be honest about your child’s behaviors.

Create clear expectations and boundaries, and use positive discipline strategies.

Reduce the stigma surrounding seeking help.

Create an environment that encourages them to communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Observe behaviors and note when and where they occur. Collect information to help you better understand the context and triggers.

To gather your data based on your observations, use the journal I created for parents called It’s About Time! For A Parenting Journal. It is an easy way to keep track of your son’s behavioral history. Bring this documentation with you to share with professionals involved with his care.

In addition, to stop thinking that boys do not need help, take several steps to challenge and change your perspective:

Challenge Your Beliefs: Reflect on your biases regarding gender and help-seeking behavior. Be open to changing your perspective as you learn more.

Educate Yourself: Begin by learning about the challenges and issues that boys and men may face in various aspects of life, including mental health, education, relationships, and societal expectations.

Promote Gender Equality: Support and advocate for gender equality and equal opportunities for all individuals, regardless of gender.

Advocate for Mental Health Awareness: Promote mental health awareness and reduce stigma.

Listen and Learn: Engage in conversations with boys and men in your life. Listen to their experiences, feelings, and concerns.

Remember that recognizing and addressing the needs of boys ensures that they receive the support and resources needed to thrive and lead healthy, fulfilling lives. Encouraging open dialogue, providing access to mental health services, and challenging traditional gender stereotypes can go a long way in ensuring that atypical behavior is addressed early so they can thrive and reach their full potential.

Education:

• Bachelor of Arts, Psychology
• Master of Science, Psychology, Major – School
• Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) Clinical Psychology, Child & Adolescent

My Story:

• I have over 25 years of experience in the field of psychology. To create this blog and share it publicly was not an easy decision. However, it has been three years since I started this blog, and I still have a lot more to discuss about my experiences and  “psychology secrets.”

Her website: Dr. Lisa Liggins-Chambers

What all detours to total-jerkdom have in common.

KEY POINTS:

• DSM-like rubrics are useful for categorizing “dark” personalities but do little to explain them.
• People detour into total jerkdom by way of many paths, some of them opposites — for example, being dominant or oppressed.
• Total jerks take the path of most insistence because it’s the path of least resistance.

For diagnostic purposes, it’s enough to have DSM-like rubrics for categorizing difficult people: If a subject has X number of these descriptive traits, it’s fair to describe them as having this or that condition.

For greater diagnostic accuracy, we can expand the rubrics and descriptions. There’s psychopath, narcissist, gaslighter. There are the dark triad traits and now a five-trait characterization: callousness, deceitfulness, narcissistic entitlement, sadism, and vindictiveness.

But science isn’t just description; it’s also explanation.

The Path to Becoming A Jerk

How then does someone become a total jerk? Alas, by many paths, many of them opposites — unfortunate genetics or bad parenting, too much or little of this or that bio-chemical. One can become a cynical con artist or a gullible dupe. One can end up with so much power they can get away with being a total jerk or so little power they have nothing to lose by being one.

Biography (etiology) aside, is there something all paths have in common, some integrated explanation for how people detour into total jerkdom? I suspect there is.

Being a total jerk is a human thing, a path of least resistance made both useful and possible by symbol-fluency — in other words, the human capacity for language. We humans have something beyond the responsiveness evident in all organisms and the feelings evident in all animals.

All organisms interact selectively with their circumstances, for example, consuming food, not poison; water, not bleach. All organisms let some stuff in and keep other stuff out. It’s obvious why they must:

Organisms aren’t durable objects. We’re fragile and must struggle for our persistence, not just reproducing offspring but regenerating ourselves in real-time, fast enough to outpace the aging, crippling degeneration that eats away at us 24/7.

Self-regeneration takes work. Work takes energy. But energy currents are just what degenerate us.

So we all have to let in the right, not the wrong energy currents. To be well-adapted means being good at just that. An organism that interacts with the wrong energy currents degenerates and dies.

Most organisms selectively interact without feeling or thinking about it. Animals selectively interact by feel, a “yum” vs. “yuk” response — absorbing what feels good and avoiding what feels bad.

With language, we humans selectively interact by means of concepts too. We can conceive of all sorts of possibilities — so many that we’re easily overwhelmed. We can imagine all sorts of real and imaginary threats and missed opportunities. We can foresee our own deaths in ways no other organism can.

Given language, we’re an exceptionally anxious species. A rat is anxious, but only about a few threats. We humans are exposed to so many possibilities, it’s like we’re trudging through an erosive sandstorm of discouraging conceptual possibilities, dread, and FOMO. Compared to human life, a rat race would be a vacation.

With language, we can also generate concepts by which to avoid other concepts. We can engage in threat displacement, worrying about imaginary threats so we don’t have to think about real ones.

Selective interaction in the conceptual, language-fueled realm manifests as confirmation bias, interacting with what encourages us, not with what discourages us.

Confirmation bias is a problem that most of us recognize we must manage. There’s a taboo against saying no to every bit of disappointing news. Scientists, heavily biased against confirmation bias, have become our role models. We learn to bite our tongues rather than spitting out criticism. We learn to apologize when we lash out impulsively against discouragement.

In contrast, for total jerks, confirmation bias becomes the answer to all problems.

It’s easy. To become a total jerk, just double down and out-escalate in every confrontation. Never concede anything, never apologize or compromise. Become shameless and when challenged, be shameless about your shamelessness. Insist that you’re being consistent by declaring yourself rational, more scientific than scientists, even while engaging in reckless hypocrisy. Have proud blind faith in yourself and when challenged on that, have proud blind faith in your proud, blind faith.

To become a total jerk, you’ll make sacrifices but they’re all worth the advantages gained. Conscience, heart, and mind, caring about the meaning of what you say — all of that must go, but that’s a small price to pay for giving yourself and others the impression of having an uninterrupted winning streak.

Taking the total-jerk detour of least resistance, you become challenge-proof, invincible, and incorrigible — literally un-correctible. You feel like a god which is much easier than being human. You can do anything you want and whatever you do is always the best.

Since winning is relative to losing, the total jerk just has to master some techniques for deflecting and discrediting all challenges to their authority. It’s not difficult: Credit all good to yourself, discredit all bad to your rivals.

There are many familiar cliches by which you can pose as the judge presiding over all arguments you enter. Just parrot the cliches. Conscientious people will mistake you for meaning and caring about what you’re saying and will tend to back down.

Externalize all doubt: Make others doubt themselves so you don’t have to doubt yourself.

Pose as the authority. Decent, civilized people trying to connect with you will give up on trying to beat you. Some will join you.

Abandon give-and-take for take-and-take as though you’re on some holy war mission, that makes you holy enough that it’s your dirty duty to defeat everyone in your way.

And what for? What’s your grand cause? Though you may brandish a cause as though it’s so important, it trumps all other concerns, that’s just for show. You don’t have a cause other than keeping yourself invincible.

That’s what it’s like to detour into total jerkdom and it’s good to try to imagine how you too could slide because it’s an option tempting to any of us if we can get away with it.

Total jerks are parrotsites, parasites by parroting whatever clears for them a path of least resistance to wherever they want to go. They’re bullsh*tdozers, bulldozing through everything in their path by means of BS — not caring what’s true, only what’s useful for getting their way.

These days, the sandstorm of possibilities only grows: There’s so much world to worry about, and so many new cliches by which to deflect them.

There’s a lot of talk about how to have difficult conversations with people who have different values from yours. Total jerks don’t really have values.

There’s not enough about how to close the total jerk path of least resistance, how to make it cost a total jerk to indulge in their easy way out.

It’s easier to play God than be human, unless we figure out how to make it harder.

Here’s a four-minute video on what all total jerks have in common.

And here’s my new podcast on psychoproctology: Ahole diagnosis,

Jeremy E. Sherman Ph.D., MPP

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