Author: FTHMG

How self-views evolve over the lifespan.

Some types of narcissism are more interpersonally harmful.

Many people age out of narcissism over their lifetime.

In contrast to narcissism, self-esteem often includes prosocial orientation.

Most people know a narcissist—at least in the practical, although not necessarily clinical sense. Usually, this is someone who holds themselves in high esteem and puts themselves first, both personally and professionally, at the expense of others if necessary. Yet, as we age, beauty fades, physical prowess diminishes, and mental acuity declines. Perhaps healthy self-concepts adjust accordingly.

Narcissism impacts not only the individual but also the lives of those around him or her. Although many narcissists are extraverted, flashy, and fun, they also experience relational difficulties, often stemming from some of the same traits that make them popular. If you love a narcissist as a family member, friend, or potential future paramour, research has some positive news for you.

Source: Edward Amezcua / Pixabay

More Than a Number: The Impact of Age

Ulrich Orth et al. (2024) examined the development of narcissism across the lifespan and studied changes over time.¹ They describe three models of narcissism. Agentic narcissism is characterized by assertiveness and leadership but also the need for admiration, as well as feelings of grandiosity and superiority. As we might imagine, they note that agentic narcissism results in fewer interpersonal problems as compared to the other two models. Antagonistic narcissism embodies the disagreeable and antisocial facets of narcissism including qualities such as deceitfulness, callousness, arrogance, exploitativeness, a sense of entitlement, and a low level of empathy. Neurotic narcissism is characterized by hypersensitivity, emotional dysregulation, and propensity to experience shame.

Among other things, Orth et al. note that the three-factor model helps to comprehend the relation between the characteristics of different types of narcissism and self-esteem, described as including subjective evaluation of personal worth. They also note that self-esteem and narcissism are distinguished conceptually because high self-esteem is often linked with prosocial attitudes and does not necessarily indicate personal feelings of superiority.

Examining data from 51 samples, including 37,247 participants, Orth et al. found that narcissism usually decreases from age 8 to 77 years, with small differences due to the type of narcissism experienced. They also discuss the concept of rank-order stability, which encompasses the stability of interindividual differences in a construct across time. They note that the rank-order stability of narcissism is high, even across long time periods, suggesting that narcissism should be considered a personality trait.

Is Generation “Me” a Myth?

In terms of popular ideas about whether narcissism is tied to generational differences, Orth et al. found that birth cohort was not a moderator of mean-level change for narcissism factors. The mean year of birth in their samples ranged from 1923 to 2002, and the narcissism trajectory has not changed over the generations, meaning their results fail to support the popular idea that “Generation Me” (people born in the 1970s to 1990s) express more narcissism than previous decades. Orth et al. note, however, that as with some of their other findings, more research would be beneficial here as well.

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The bottom line is that narcissism, even viewed as a personality trait, can change—for the better. With age comes wisdom, acceptance of less-than-perfect traits, and enhanced appreciation of others. With acceptance, love, support, and respect, narcissistic individuals can turn over a new leaf, slowly but surely.

References

1. Orth, Ulrich, Samantha Krauss, and Mitja D. Back. 2024. “Development of Narcissism across the Life Span: A Meta-Analytic Review of Longitudinal Studies.” Psychological Bulletin 150 (6): 643–665. doi:10.1037/bul0000436.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.

Online: wendy.patrickphd.com, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

Female narcissists can be particularly subtle in their manipulations. Unlike the stereotypical overtly aggressive narcissist, many women with narcissistic traits use charm, feigned vulnerability, and indirect tactics to maintain control. One hallmark of female narcissism is deniability—no matter what they do, they can make it appear innocent, misinterpreted, or someone else’s fault. Recognizing these behaviors is critical for protecting yourself in relationships, friendships, or family dynamics (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

The Deniability Tactic

1. Gaslighting as a Core Strategy

Female narcissists often twist reality to make you question your perceptions. This can include denying conversations happened, minimizing their actions, or reframing your reactions as unreasonable. Gaslighting leaves victims doubting their memory, judgment, and even sanity (Stern, 2018).

Example: She sends hurtful messages but claims she “didn’t mean it that way” or “you’re overreacting.”

2. The Victim Role

A female narcissist may frame herself as the innocent party in conflicts. By playing the victim, she gains sympathy from others while simultaneously shifting blame. Research suggests that narcissistic individuals frequently use victimization to manipulate social perception (Morf & Rhodewalt, 2001).

Example: She lashes out during an argument but later says, “I was only upset because you hurt me first.”

3. Indirect Manipulation

Unlike overt aggression, female narcissists often employ subtle tactics like passive-aggression, backhanded compliments, or social exclusion. This keeps her manipulations deniable because she can claim she was “just joking” or “didn’t realize it bothered you.”

Example: Making sarcastic comments about your choices in front of friends, then insisting you’re “too sensitive.”

4. Triangulation

Female narcissists frequently involve third parties to create confusion or competition. By denying direct confrontation and involving others, she maintains control while keeping her actions justifiable. Triangulation often fuels jealousy, insecurity, or divided loyalties (Brown, 2016).

Example: She casually mentions someone else’s achievements to make you feel inadequate while acting like she “didn’t mean anything by it.”

5. Charm and Idealization

In the early stages of a relationship or during reconciliation after conflict, female narcissists often use charm, flattery, and affection to regain influence. Because these gestures are usually genuine on the surface, any misbehavior becomes easier to dismiss or rationalize.

Example: After criticizing or undermining you, she suddenly sends thoughtful messages or gifts, leaving you questioning the validity of your hurt feelings.

6. Blame Shifting

When confronted, female narcissists rarely accept responsibility. She may blame you, circumstances, or even other people. This creates confusion and self-doubt, making it difficult to hold her accountable (Ronningstam, 2016).

Example: “If you hadn’t been so sensitive, I wouldn’t have reacted like that.”

Protecting Yourself

1. Document interactions: Keep texts, emails, or notes of conversations to avoid being gaslighted.
2. Set clear boundaries: Communicate what behavior is unacceptable and stick to consequences.
3. Detach emotionally: Recognize that her actions reflect her personality, not your worth.
4. Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist to maintain perspective and validation.

Why Awareness Matters?

Recognizing the subtle tactics of a female narcissist is key to protecting your mental health. Deniability makes manipulation harder to detect, but understanding these patterns—gaslighting, victim-playing, triangulation, charm, and blame-shifting—helps you reclaim control and emotional clarity.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, notes: “Narcissists are masters at making their actions seem harmless. Awareness and boundaries are your best tools.”

References

• Brown, N. W. (2016). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. The Self, 115–138.
• Morf, C. C., & Rhodewalt, F. (2001). Unraveling the paradoxes of narcissism: A dynamic self-regulatory processing model. Psychological Inquiry, 12(4), 177-196.
• Ronningstam, E. (2016). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders, 7(3), 203–210.
• Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.

Toxic communication behaviors can take a serious toll on your mental health, especially when they occur in personal relationships. Two of the most damaging tactics are gaslighting and stonewalling. Both are frequently used by narcissistic or controlling individuals to manipulate, dominate, or isolate their partners, family members, or colleagues. Recognizing these behaviors early is essential to protect your emotional well-being and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember these people do not have a moral compass !

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your own perceptions, memory, or reality (Stern, 2018). The goal is to create confusion, insecurity, and dependency, often leaving the victim questioning their own judgment.

Common Gaslighting Tactics:

• Denying things they said or did, even when you remember them clearly.
• Twisting your words to make you feel unreasonable or overly sensitive.
• Minimizing your feelings, saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “It’s all in your head.”

Gaslighting can happen gradually over time, making it difficult to recognize. It often leaves victims feeling anxious, frustrated, and questioning their own sense of reality.

What Is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is another toxic behavior where someone refuses to communicate or engage, often during conflict. It’s a form of emotional withdrawal used to assert control or avoid accountability (Gottman, 1994).

Signs of Stonewalling:

• Ignoring texts, calls, or requests to talk.
• Giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment after disagreements.
• Walking away during conversations and refusing to revisit them.

Stonewalling often amplifies the effects of gaslighting. When someone denies reality and simultaneously refuses to engage in discussion, it can make the victim feel helpless, isolated, and frustrated.

How Gaslighting and Stonewalling Work Together

These two behaviors often appear together in toxic relationships. Gaslighting undermines your confidence and sense of reality, while stonewalling prevents resolution or discussion. The combination keeps the victim emotionally off-balance and dependent on the manipulator for validation.

Example:
A partner constantly accuses you of being “too sensitive” (gaslighting), and when you try to respond, they stop replying or walk away (stonewalling). Over time, you may start doubting your feelings and struggle to confront the issues effectively.

Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting and Stonewalling

1. Document Interactions
   Keep a record of conversations, texts, or emails. Written proof can help you validate your experience when memory is challenged or reality is distorted.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
   Communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and enforce consequences consistently. Boundaries are essential for maintaining your emotional safety.
3. Detach Emotionally
   Recognize that the manipulator’s behavior reflects their personality, not your worth. Adopting an observer mindset can prevent you from internalizing blame.
4. Seek Support
   Talking with trusted friends, family, or a therapist can help validate your experience, provide perspective, and reduce feelings of isolation.
5. Practice Self-Care
   Engage in activities that restore your energy and confidence, such as journaling, exercise, mindfulness, or hobbies. Research shows that mindfulness improves emotional regulation and resilience in stressful relationships (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).

Recognizing the Patterns Early

The key to minimizing damage is early recognition. Gaslighting often starts subtly, and stonewalling can feel like occasional conflict avoidance at first. Pay attention to patterns: repeated denial of reality, emotional withdrawal, and manipulation tactics are warning signs of toxic behavior.

Conclusion

Gaslighting and stonewalling are powerful tools of emotional manipulation. They can leave victims questioning themselves, feeling powerless, and dependent on the manipulator for validation. By recognizing these behaviors, setting boundaries, and prioritizing self-care, you can protect your mental health and maintain clarity in your relationships.

As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a leading expert on narcissism, notes: “Recognizing manipulation is the first step toward reclaiming your power and protecting your emotional well-being.”

Your mental health matters. Awareness, boundaries, and support are your best defenses against toxic communication.

References

• Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last.
• Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056.
• Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.

Dealing with a narcissistic or toxic family member can be one of the most emotionally draining experiences a person faces. Unlike a coworker or acquaintance, you can’t simply cut ties easily when the individual is your parent, sibling, or close relative. Narcissistic family dynamics are often marked by manipulation, gaslighting, boundary violations, and cycles of love and rejection. Learning how to recognize these behaviors and protect your mental health is essential. Research shows that narcissistic traits are strongly linked to self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control-seeking behaviors (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

Recognizing Narcissistic Family Dynamics

1. Constant Criticism or Control
   A narcissistic family member often undermines your confidence, offering harsh criticism under the guise of “helping.” They may also attempt to control your choices, from career to relationships.
2. Gaslighting and Denial
   Gaslighting—making you question your memory, perceptions, or feelings—is a hallmark of narcissistic behavior (Stern, 2018). A toxic relative might deny things they said or twist events to make you feel unstable.
3. Favoritism and Triangulation
   Narcissists may create competition among siblings or relatives, using favoritism and comparison to stir jealousy and maintain control (Brown, 2016).
4. Emotional Rollercoasters
   You may feel loved and appreciated one moment, then rejected or ignored the next. This inconsistency keeps you emotionally hooked, always seeking approval.

Why It’s Harder With Family?

Family ties make boundaries more complicated. Many people feel guilt or obligation to maintain relationships, even when they are unhealthy. Research on family systems shows that toxic dynamics can shape self-esteem and identity well into adulthood (Bowen, 1978). Breaking free from these patterns requires both mindfulness and intentional boundary setting.

Strategies for Protecting Your Mental Health

1. Set and Enforce Boundaries

Boundaries are not punishments—they’re protections. Communicate clearly:

• “I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
• “If you raise your voice, I’m leaving the conversation.”

Even if the narcissist ignores or pushes back against your limits, consistently holding your ground reinforces your self-respect.

2. Use the Grey Rock Technique

This strategy involves becoming emotionally unreactive. Instead of defending yourself or arguing, keep responses brief and neutral. By refusing to feed into their manipulation, you minimize their control (Stosny, 2013).

3. Detach Emotionally

Recognize that their behavior says more about them than about you. Adopting an observer mindset—where you notice patterns without internalizing blame—helps protect your emotional energy (Ronningstam, 2016).

4. Limit Contact (If Possible)

If interactions are consistently damaging, consider reducing the time you spend with them. In extreme cases, “low contact” or “no contact” may be necessary for healing.

5. Prioritize Self-Care

Counterbalance the negativity by investing in self-care practices: meditation, journaling, therapy, or time with supportive friends. Research shows that mindfulness improves resilience and emotional regulation in stressful relationships (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).

6. Seek Support

Talking with a therapist or joining a support group can help you validate your experiences and develop coping strategies. A neutral, professional perspective can also reduce feelings of guilt or obligation.

When Guilt Gets in the Way?

One of the hardest aspects of dealing with a toxic family member is guilt. Narcissistic relatives often weaponize family loyalty to keep you tied to unhealthy dynamics. Remember: protecting your mental health is not selfish—it’s necessary.

A useful affirmation is: “I can love my family while also loving myself enough to create boundaries.”

Conclusion

Dealing with a narcissist or toxic family member is challenging, but not impossible. By recognizing the signs of manipulation, setting firm boundaries, and practicing self-care, you can protect your well-being. Family ties do not require you to sacrifice your mental health. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in narcissism, often reminds her clients: “Radical acceptance of who they are sets you free to live your life.”

Protecting yourself does not mean you don’t care about your family—it means you also care about your own peace, healing, and future.

References

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).
• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.
• Brown, N. W. (2016). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. The Self, 115–138.
• Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056.
• Ronningstam, E. (2016). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders, 7(3), 203–210.
• Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
• Stosny, S. (2013). Living and Loving After Betrayal.

Respect—giving and getting—is an important factor in negotiations and produces best outcomes. Too often children and the elderly are not accorded the respect they deserve. Seeing negotiation as competition limits possibilities for good outcomes.

Source: Ilyasick/Pexels

How to Give and Get Respect in Negotiations?

Respect is an important element of negotiation. It’s important to give respect—and to earn it.

At the outset, it is worth noting that the word “respect” is often misused, as in having “grudging respect” for someone. Grudging respect is usually fear-based at its core. When people comply, obey, or demur out of fear, that is not actually respect, and it is definitely not a healthy basis for negotiations in a relationship (whether personal or professional). When people try to exert power over another (as opposed to power with another), even when successful, there is no earned respect and, therefore, no strong foundation for effective negotiation or superior outcomes.

Having said that, it is possible to respect someone’s achievements without liking how they got there. It is also possible to respect someone’s achievements and the process and still not like the person.

Respect is recognizing someone else’s humanity or personhood. It is seeking to listen to and understand the other person. It is ensuring one does not see other people as mere means to an end. Many think this is tricky in negotiation, but such a view likely stems from a win-lose, zero-sum approach to negotiation as opposed to a collaborative, principled, and integrative approach.

A fixed-mindset approach to negotiations can interfere with the ability to bring the requisite level of respect to the table and so interfere with one’s ability to get better buy-in and better outcomes. People often take such an approach based on widely accepted conditioning and myths about negotiation. These myths include the idea that negotiation is a competition, that successful negotiations are all about toughness ,and that one ought never cede any ground. None of these myths hold any truth.

Self-protection is another key source of interference in one’s ability to give (and so receive) respect in negotiation relationships. When operating from self-protective mode as opposed to self-leadership, people are less able to present the best version of themselves and show respect to other party.

There are many scenarios in which people struggle with respecting the other party in a negotiation, whether consciously or unconsciously. It is worth exploring some to raise one’s intentionality about incorporating respect as a foundation in all one’s negotiations.

Dealing with Children

In negotiating with children, many people do not truly listen or seek to understand and meet the needs of the child. Many do not drop all distractions, give undivided attention, or listen without interrupting or interjecting opinions, suggestions, or interpretations.

Many people tend to exert power over children rather than seek to establish power with them. Adults tend to assume they know best. Such a lack of respect can make children feel unvalued, unimportant, or “less than’”. It also interferes with the ability to come to mutually superior solutions. Perhaps most important, if not giving respect, one is not likely to earn authentic respect. It is important to be intentional about bringing respect to all discussions when negotiating in relationships with children.

This approach becomes even more challenging as children transition into adulthood. For parents, letting go can be difficult. When there is resistance to that, many fail to give the much-needed respect to ensure self-esteem and ability to grow in healthy ways (in their relationship with parents and beyond).

Fears, hopes, and dreams drive the urge to interfere, overwhelm, and smother when what’s needed is a pause, a deep breath, and a perspective shift. When a child’s viewpoint is valued and respected, there is more likely to be reciprocal respect.

Dealing with the Elderly

The challenges of transition as kids grow into adults are echoed in dealing with elderly people. Many tend to drop the ball in negotiating a relationship with aging parents (or other seniors) as well. This often stems from fear. It can be difficult to see once seemingly all-knowing and powerful parents decline, and many people respond by imposing personal views. After a lifetime of contribution, respect is deserved.

Dealing with Coworkers

In the workplace, as coworkers grow, develop, and transition to next levels, it can be difficult to accommodate such changes. Many continue to treat former subordinates as underlings and, in so doing, disrespect them and damage the relationship in the process.

Dealing with Mental Health Issues

It is important to consider how much respect is due to people with mental health issues. Too often,, a dismissive, disrespectful approach is often taken in such situations. It is important to give respect and trust, attend to verbal and nonverbal communication, and be intentional about understanding the issue(s) from the other person’s perspective. It is important not to try to “help” by exerting power over them.

In any negotiation, whether personal or professional, it is important to remember to give respect, and it will be reciprocated. In so doing, better outcomes can be achieved with corresponding better relationships and buy

Cindy Watson, B.A., LLB, JD, is the founder of Women On Purpose and creator of the Art of Feminine Negotiation programs. She’s also the founder and managing partner of Watson Labour Lawyers, as an attorney specializing in social justice law for 30 years.

How do you know you have a toxic family or family member? You may feel anxious or nervous when you have to interact with them. You may feel drained and overwhelmed when speaking with them. They may be addicted to drama, tend to overreact emotionally, and create scenes in public or within a family. They may be emotionally immature for their age and may share personal things you said to them in confidence with other people to harm you. Worse, you may feel confused, manipulated, and emotionally harmed after interacting with them. Also, when you assert your emotional and physical boundaries with them, they become angry because they don’t respect your limits.

Naturally, every family has disagreements. We have the most to learn from our differences and often learn from those we love. However, while all families have disagreements and conflicts, toxic family systems use extremely unhealthy ways of interacting with each other and resolving conflict. While conflict and tension are inevitable in any family, the manner the way the conflict is handled is what differentiates a healthy family system from a toxic family system.

Chronic toxic behaviors by one or more family members can cause emotional harm.  In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined  “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to other members. These emotionally violent behaviors can cause depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness for the victims and even the whole family system. While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, post-traumatic stress, and mental injury.

Family Emotional Violence

Research supports the idea that a certain level of “aggression” is a “normal” part of family life. These levels are usually culturally-approved (Barnett, Miller-Perrin, & Perrin, 2011). For example, in Western cultures, many healthy families and couples may lose their tempers or say hurtful things to each other on occasion.

However, if these harmful tactics—combined with conflict avoidance (gossiping, criticism, pitting, splitting)—become consistent ways of resolving problems, a toxic family dynamic may occur. Unfortunately, one toxic family member or “bad apple” can cause significant damage to an entire family system.

Psychological Bullying

While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, stress, and mental injury. In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined as “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to a group. A hallmark of a toxic person is the severe harm she/he can cause to a group: workplace, family, or even government.

For instance, in a family, a toxic sister, aunt, mother, or cousin can cause relationship harm between family members. They may split and pit family members against each other (toxic behavior), usually by lying for their own personal gain. This form of psychological bullying is quite harmful to family members and may manifest in depression, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, or post-traumatic stress symptoms in many family members.

Sometimes, these family members causing destruction are suffering from their own mental health problems, often undiagnosed. According to Dr. George Simon, these may be disturbances of character. In medical terms, perpetrators may be suffering from a diagnosis on the personality disorder spectrum (American Psychiatric Association, 2014).

Dangerous Family Members: Pathological Personality

The connection between psychopathic traits and crime is well-researched, but the rate of victimization within families and relatives is lacking research and is not fully understood (Leedom, 2017). However, psychologists find the clinical problem of personality disorders is increasingly prevalent among patients who create toxic family dynamics.

A personality disorder is a pervasive lifelong pattern of behavior that leads to distress or impairment. They can have significant impairment in ways of seeing other people, themselves, and events. They also usually have impairments in emotional maturity. In addition, they can have affective problems, such as an inability to regulate their emotional responses.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), these include diagnoses such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders. Sociopathy and psychopathy are used in popular culture to describe personalities and behaviors on this spectrum, but these are not actual diagnoses found in the DSM-5. It can be very confusing to the public and clinicians alike because there is so much comorbidity or overlap between symptoms and behaviors of personality disorders.

Is the Specific Diagnosis Important?

Experts agree that there is significant overlap among the many personality disorders. The American Psychiatric Association (2013) has proposed an alternative model for conceptualizing personality disorders in the future because of this problem with comorbidity across personality disorders. For example, there are similar traits and behaviors between Narcissistic, Borderline, and Antisocial personality disorders. The alternative DSM-5 model includes general criteria for a personality disorder, a person who has impairments in personality functioning, or one or more pathological personality traits.

Within the family system context, however, an actual diagnosis is not as important as recognizing patterns of those who suffer from personality disorders and how they may affect your family.

Are They “Treatable”?

Personality disorders are far more serious than many other mental health disorders because they are difficult to treat. This is for two reasons:

1. Treatment resistance—i.e., those with personality disorders don’t understand they have the problem and blame others.

2. It is difficult to treat a personality because they are ingrained personality traits—unlike, for example, a mood disorder.

Whether or not they seek (or respond to) treatment, what you can do is recognize and understand these “clinically disturbed” people in your life, regardless of specific diagnostic labels. According to George Simon, Ph.D., author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People in Your Life, it is important to recognize certain behaviors to mitigate the damage of interacting with these types of “clinically disturbed” people.

Toxic Family Dynamics

Unsure if you’re dealing with a toxic family member or toxic family dynamics? These behaviors may indicate that things have turned toxic by the presence of emotional drama:

• Splitting: Planting seeds where jealousy, resentment, and anger will flourish (covert).
• Pitting: Setting family members against each other, usually through dishonesty (covert).
• Triangulation: Do not confront each other directly and triangulate another family member (covert).
• Smear Campaigns: Premediated efforts to tarnish another person’s reputation and character usually by lying and deceit, often delusional in nature (covert).
• Chronic disrespect and contempt.
• Pathological lying
• Becomes angry and protests when you assert boundaries.
• Refusal to apologize.
• Takes no responsibility, and blames others.
• Controlling.
• Verbal assaults (overt (obvious) and covert (behind the scenes).

Unfortunately, many families with a history of adverse childhood experiences or adult children of alcoholics may think these family dynamics are “normal.” And they may be normal—but are they healthy? If they are chronically causing you distress and impairment, including anxiety and depression, you may need to re-assess your exposure. 

The issue of distancing and estrangement from toxic family members is a very complicated and personal one. This is one of the most asked questions in my private practice. The next series of articles will cover the issue of emotional distancing strategies, estrangement, and resolution.

Copyright 2020: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.