Why asking this question could be an important part of finding the right match.

When you’re feeling sparks with someone you have recently started seeing, there is an adrenaline rush that often feels thrilling. Your heart may beat fast, you may experience shortness of breath, or you may feel butterflies in your stomach.

These are the same types of physical responses that you would experience if you detected a threat in your environment. When these physical responses occur in a dating context, they may be incorrectly interpreted as romantic attraction—a phenomenon referred to as misattribution of arousal. Research has demonstrated that a heightened level of anxiety in the moment may cause someone to feel more attracted to a potential partner than they would have otherwise.

Our subconscious minds are primed to be drawn to what is familiar to us so when we meet someone who reminds us of a person from our past, we may feel a magnetic pull to be with them; a sense that we’ve “known them forever.” Initially, you may feel like you’re on cloud nine but if you didn’t have a healthy role model for a romantic relationship growing up or your relationship with your caregivers was strained or inconsistent, then it’s possible you may be feeling anxiety around a potential partner but interpreting it as strong chemistry.

For example, Sarah is a woman whose parents had a tumultuous relationship with lots of highs and lows. Witnessing the dysfunctional relationship between her parents stirred up anxiety for Sarah and since this was the role model she had for a romantic relationship, she associates love with extreme highs and lows. When Sarah meets potential partners with whom she experiences the same dynamic, she feels a sense of familiarity as if she’s known this person for a long time. Sarah may feel the most drawn to partners who stir up the same feelings of anxiety she experienced as a child, but mistakenly perceive these feelings as excitement or strong chemistry.

What is often surprising to people is that they may feel the most excitement and chemistry with individuals who mirror this early dynamic, even if they disliked their parents’ relationship. Research has shown that people are often drawn to partners who seem familiar to them and exhibit similar qualities as their primary caregivers. A relationship template is often the basis from which one interprets a partner’s compatibility and contains the core beliefs that were learned early on about love. In the above example, if Sarah were to meet someone who is stable and does not evoke the same type of anxiety for her, she may assume there is no chemistry or perceive them as boring. This can be particularly true of individuals who are typically drawn to the same type of partner repeatedly without success.

Although it’s often easier said than done, pacing yourself when you meet someone new that you’re interested in can prevent you from getting prematurely attached and help you to recognize red flags early on. It’s natural for many people to feel nervous during the initial stages of dating someone they’re interested in, so feeling butterflies or sparks isn’t necessarily a sign that a potential partner isn’t a good match for you.

So how can you determine if the sparks you’re feeling are a result of your compatibility with a potential partner or your anxiety? A few questions that can help you get started on exploring this further are:

• Have you had this feeling before? If so, when and with whom?
• If this same feeling has come up with previous romantic partners, why did those relationships end? Would it have benefitted you during the initial stages of dating, to consider whether you were feeling anxiety or sparks?
• How do you feel around this person and how does your body respond around them? Do you feel a sense of ease or do you feel on edge?

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Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only. This post is not intended to be a substitute for professional or psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition or well-being.

References

Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30(4), 510–517. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0037031

Geher, G. (2000). Perceived and actual characteristics of parents and partners: A test of a freudian model of mate selection. Current Psychology, 19(3), 194–214. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-000-1015-7

It’s often a byproduct of parent-child estrangement.

Despite cultural myths, there are enormous variations in sibling closeness and connection.

Children growing up in the same household with the same parents can have totally different experiences.

Sibling estrangement is often a consequence of adult child-parent estrangement.

It appears that the chances of sibling estrangement increase with age.

Source: Merritt Thomas/Unsplash

While the hands-down winner of the most powerful mythologies associated with a familial role remains that of the mother, a close second is most certainly that of the sibling relationship. In part, because the sibling relationship has the potential to be the longest-lasting relationship of an individual’s life, sibling connections have long been mythologized as being central to not just a person’s identity but to their well-being.

If you question that, just think about the many years devoted to pitying the “poor” only child and their deprived situation, which, as it happens, turns out not to be true—thank you very much.

So strong is the cultural belief in the importance of sibling ties that we have turned sibling fractiousness and aggression into a “normal” occurrence and relabeled it “sibling rivalry,” in defiance of not just the Biblical cautionary tale of Cain and Abel but current psychological research, especially that of Dr. Jonathan Caspi.

That vision of happy siblings gathered around the holiday table á la Norman Rockwell remains the image to which the culture hews, despite what research—and many personal experiences—show. It’s worth noting that I have a sibling, nine years younger than I, from whom I have been estranged for many years. Historically, my estrangement from him was a function of my permanent estrangement from our mother, our sole surviving parent, but I can’t really say that we would not have ended up estranged anyway. That observation reflects what I have learned from others in the course of writing my books; we had too little in common except a set of shared parents, one of whom died when he was six and didn’t even remember. That parent, our father, was a formative influence in my life.

Humans are tribal by nature, and our belief in blood ties doubtless stretches back to the very beginning, as attested to by the oldest literature. Yet that literature also makes clear that blood ties do not guarantee likeness, agreement, or even alliance. Seen through the lens of DNA, a more modern version of blood ties, we share somewhere between 37 and 61 percent of our DNA with a sibling. By the way, even identical twins don’t necessarily share 100 percent of their DNA, which shows you that laypeople shouldn’t pay attention to Internet news that we share 50 percent of our DNA with bananas. Just making a point here as an English major.

But, of course, sibling relationships aren’t just about DNA. They are about shared experiences and experiences that aren’t shared even while growing up in the same family. They are about shared interests and interests that are hugely different, as well as other points of contiguity and distance.

What Research Reveals About Adult Sibling Relationships and Estrangement

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While the research on sibling ties in childhood and adolescence is robust, including reams of information on the effect of parental favoritism, there’s nothing comparable when it comes to adult sibling relationships. A 2020 review of existing research by Megan Gilligan, Clara M. Stocker, and Katherine Jewsbury Conger noted that “generally” older adults reported having close relationships with siblings as well as maintaining contact, especially through social media. There are no percentages adduced to clarify the word “generally,” by the way. Some of the studies—such as those on continued contact between and among siblings after their parents have died—are contradictory, but it does appear that parents do play a role in keeping the fires of kinship burning, so their deaths may affect the siblings’ relationship.

Some of what we know about sibling estrangement comes from Lucy Blake’s 2022 study, which was based on an online survey; it’s important to note that the respondents were recruited from a pool of people who had already been part of Stand Alone, a community devoted to those who have experienced estrangement. Additionally, 88 percent of the participants were women. The most common reason cited for estrangement was a ripple effect from being estranged from a parent; that makes sense to me and also confirms my own anecdotal research about conflicting family narratives. The other most common reason given—no surprise here—was parental favoritism, both in childhood and adulthood; this, too, rings very true.

Perhaps the most important observation in this study isn’t about sibling estrangement but that the levels of connection between and among siblings varied far more than cultural tropes—or the “generally” statement adduced by the Gilligan study—would have us believe. Some respondents said they’d never felt close to their siblings or didn’t ‘know” them; others pointed to differing views, including politics.

A recent German study published by Karsten Hank and Anja Steinbach sheds a bit more light on the prevalence of sibling estrangement. The study was drawn from specific parts of the population, those born from 1971-1973, 1981-83, and 1991-1993, of a nationally representative survey conducted over the course of six years; the participants thus ranged in age from early 50s to early 40s to early 30s. The size of the respondent pool was over 10,000 sibling pairs.

The researchers hoped not just to discover the rate of estrangement but whether sibling estrangement was more likely among certain groups (same-sex siblings, full-blood siblings vs. half-siblings, and the like). The working definition of “estrangement” was lack of contact or lack of emotional closeness.

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While 75.5 percent of sibling pairs did not experience estrangement, 28.1 percent of respondents reported at least one period of estrangement from a sibling, and 14 percent reported multiple periods of estrangement. (It should be said that a pattern of cycling in and out of estrangement has been reported in adult child-parent estrangement, so this is to be expected.) Additionally, the researchers write, “Not only did older respondents in our sample report being estranged from siblings more often than younger ones, but we observed significant positive associations of disruptive family events (parental separation/divorce or death) and previous estrangement with the likelihood of being estranged in current interviews.”

Some Anecdotal Evidence Worth Considering

I’m personally not surprised that sibling estrangement is more common in older adults, in part because so many of these estrangements are a by-product or ripple effect of adult child-parental estrangement, and since the publication of my book, Daughter Detox, my own work has provided lots of anecdotal evidence that the recognition of parental mistreatment and abuse which propels estrangement comes relatively late in life. While some people recognize it in their 40s, the preponderance of women (and men) are in their 50s and older when they consider parental estrangement seriously or finally stop cycling through a pattern of estrangement and reconciliation. It then follows that sibling estrangement would, in fact, occur more with older adults.

We still don’t know the full extent of the prevalence of sibling estrangement, but it’s clear that it’s neither rare nor uncommon.

For more on sibling estrangement and why reconciliation is elusive, go here.

Copyright © 2023 by Peg Streep

Facebook image: PeopleImages.com – Yuri A/Shutterstock

References

Gilligan, Megan, Clare M. Stocker, and Katherine Jewsbury Conger, “Sibling Relationships in Adulthood: Research Findings and New Frontiers,” Journal of Family Theory & Revew, 2020, vol. 12 ,pp. 305-320.

Blake, Lucy., Becca Bland, and Alison Rouncefield-Swales.” Estrangement Between Siblings in Adulthood: A Qualitative Exploration.” 2023, Journal of Family Issues, vol.44 (7), pp. 1859-1879.

Hank, Karsten and Anja Steinbach, “Sibling Estrangement in Adulthood,” 2023, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, vol.40 (4), pp.1277-1287.

Histrionic and narcissistic traits can overlap to complicate relationships.

• Cluster B personality disorders consist of narcissism, borderline, histrionic, and anti-social personality disorders.
• Negative personality traits can also overlap between specific diagnostic criteria.
• An individual does not need to have a clinical diagnosis to showcase negative personality traits.

Cluster B disorders are a collection of negative traits organized into four classifications: narcissism, histrionic, borderline, and antisocial personality disorders. Personality disorders as a whole are described as enduring, maladaptive patterns of thoughts and/or behaviors that deviate from one’s culture (APA, 2013). These thoughts, beliefs, and actions are inflexible and overwhelmingly negative and pervasive.

Despite our best efforts, we all have negative traits and unhealthy habits. What makes a trait pathological is the inability and unwillingness to change and improve. Even the kindest person on the road to sainthood can lash out in a fit of anger and ego. The act of being human comes with free will of thoughts and actions. We all have the innate ability to be a narcissist; however, what separates non-narcissists from the crowd is the element of self-control and choice. We can choose to use people for our own intentions and then discard them; we choose to lie and hide; we choose to cheat and sneak around. This is one reason why the diagnosis traits for Cluster B disorders are so low: the individuals with these problems do not seek help because they don’t believe they need help in the first place. Of course, to be clinically diagnosed with a specific disorder one must have a specific number of signs and symptoms. An individual can have traits of narcissism but not be officially classified as a narcissist.

Links Between HPD & NPD

Narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is most easily identified by the individual’s lack of empathy and overwhelming ego. However, many victims of narcissism report their abuser’s sexuality and emotions as being sharpened into weapons. These overtly sexual and dramatic individuals have what the American Psychiatric Association calls histrionic personality disorder (2013). Whereas narcissistic personality disorder is predominantly diagnosed in men, histrionic disorder (HPD) is diagnosed primarily in women. As with most personality disorders, histrionic individuals cannot be cured by prescription medications. Only the co-morbidities, such as depression and anxiety, can be treated. So whereas the depression can be lifted with the right treatment plan, it won’t do anything for the person’s egotistical actions or cold behaviors. The same goes for histrionic personality disorder.

Histrionic personality disorder has several similarities to narcissism but also distinct differences. The use of theatrics, emotions, and sexuality stands in stark contrast from the cold and egotistical narcissist. However, many of the hallmarks overlap. Like positive personality traits such as openness or conscientiousness, negative personality traits can also overlap across disorders. Just because an individual displays several traits of narcissism doesn’t mean they also can’t act with traits of histrionic disorder.

Source: RODNAE Productions/Pexels

Histrionic individuals have wildly exaggerated emotions and an overwhelming need to be noticed. In fact, the term histrionic means “dramatic” and “theatrical.” These people are well-known drama queens and busybodies who can’t handle being left outside of the circle of attention. The self-esteem of histrionics relied heavily on the opinions of others and can wax and wane according to their reputation. When they fall from grace, histrionics are more at risk for depression, crying fits, and desperation to turn the story around in which they are the victim. Narcissists, on the other hand, may become angry and challenging and generally be stupefied by the negative public opinion. They were—up until this moment—untouchable. If narcissists keep their negative self-image hidden and covered up by an overblown ego, then histrionics wear their self-centered hearts on their sleeves.

Both narcissists and histrionics may use threats of suicide as an attention grab or a way to obtain sympathy and forgiveness. Neither type of individual can have a normal relationship for very long. Histrionics wear their partners out with their rapid mood swings; narcissists break down their partners with abuse and confrontation; both classifications generally exhaust the ability of friends and lovers to fulfill their grandiose demands for attention.

Sexuality as a Weapon

A major distinction between histrionic and narcissism is the use of sexuality. Narcissists are known to be more prone to cheating in their personal relationships, but histrionics are far more overtly sexually exploitative and provocative. Histrionics use sex and seduction to solve virtually any problem that arises and bring the attention back to them; narcissists use their sex as a method of control. A narcissist cheats because they feel they can, they deserve it, or they need something done for them in return. In contrast, a histrionic will engage in cheating to fulfill a desperate need for attention that they believe they aren’t getting from their partner. Regardless of whether the person is a narcissist or a histrionic, the cheating is not their fault. Jack recalls when he caught his ex-wife cheating. “She had been cheating for years with different men. She said it was because I didn’t pay enough attention to her and these men did, and they made her feel beautiful and worthy. The cheating was my fault because I didn’t make her feel beautiful.”

Anthony’s ex-wife, in comparison, attempted to deny the charges when presented with the evidence of her cheating but also took on the role of the wronged party. Narcissists are expert liars and actors and can maintain their false persona much better and for longer periods of time than a histrionic. Anthony recalls that eventually she began flaunting her cheating instead of being embarrassed by it. “Cheating wasn’t her character flaw; it was mine somehow. She used it to belittle me and make herself the poor victim,” Anthony says.

Source: Nappy/Pexels

Again, keep in mind that to be diagnosed a histrionic, one must check a specific number of boxes of the diagnostic criteria. Being confident and in control of your sexuality does not make you a histrionic; likewise, being overly dramatic is also not a way to diagnose someone as a histrionic. Someone can be sexual and seductive without being histrionic, and not all cheaters are suffering from histrionic personality disorder.

Female narcissists are particularly dangerous and use their sexuality as a weapon to straddle the fine line between NPD and HPD. Histrionic narcissists use their seductiveness and even reproductive abilities to gain control of a relationship, maintain the upper hand, or just simply to hurt someone. Histrionic women cross into narcissistic territory through abuse of power and gender roles and the exploitation of relationships. Using children, pregnancy, and other family members to obtain what they want is never out of the realm of possibilities for a histrionic narcissist.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). DSM-5. APA Publishing.

About the Author

Kristy Lee Parkin is a licensed funeral director, certified life coach, and adjunct faculty member at Syracuse University.

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hen Empathy and Manipulation Coexist

For a long time, popular psychology treated empathy and manipulation as opposites — the assumption being that if someone could truly understand and feel what others feel, they wouldn’t be able to hurt them. Recent research has complicated that picture. It turns out empathy and manipulative or exploitative behavior aren’t mutually exclusive — and the combination has a name: the dark empath.

Where the Term Comes From

The concept builds on the well-established “Dark Triad” of personality — narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy — a framework introduced by researchers Delroy Paulhus and Kevin Williams in 2002 to describe a cluster of socially aversive but non-pathological personality traits (Paulhus & Williams, 2002).

In 2021, a team of researchers led by Nadja Heym at Nottingham Trent University extended this framework by asking a simple question: what happens when someone scores high on Dark Triad traits and high on empathy — rather than low, as is typically assumed? Analyzing personality data from over 991 participants, they identified a distinct subgroup they termed “dark empaths”: individuals who show significant levels of Dark Triad traits while also scoring high on both cognitive empathy (understanding what others feel) and, to some extent, affective empathy (sharing what others feel) (Heym et al., 2021).

How Dark Empaths Differ from “Classic” Dark Triad Profiles

The same study found that dark empaths engaged in fewer of the most overtly antagonistic behaviors typically associated with the Dark Triad — such as direct bullying — compared to people high in Dark Triad traits but low in empathy. However, they still showed comparable levels of behaviors like manipulation, and reported similar levels of everyday sadism (Heym et al., 2021).

In other words: dark empaths may not present as obviously cold or callous. Their empathy can make manipulative behavior harder to spot, because it doesn’t fit the stereotype of what manipulation is supposed to look like.

What This Might Look Like in Practice

Because dark empaths can accurately read others’ emotions, researchers and clinicians who write about this pattern suggest it may function as a tool rather than a barrier to manipulation — someone can understand exactly what another person needs to hear, and use that understanding for personal advantage rather than genuine connection (Heym et al., 2021). This is distinct from someone who is simply emotionally attuned; the distinguishing factor is the underlying motivation and the presence of elevated Dark Triad traits alongside that empathy.

It’s worth being cautious here: this is a relatively new area of research, and “dark empath” is not a clinical diagnosis. It describes a pattern identified through personality trait research, not a category found in the DSM-5 or other diagnostic manuals.

Why This Matters for Recognizing Manipulation

A common piece of advice for spotting manipulative or abusive behavior is to look for a lack of empathy. The dark empath research complicates that advice — because it suggests empathy alone isn’t a reliable signal of safety in a relationship. What may matter more is how someone uses their understanding of others: to support and connect, or to influence and control.

If you’re trying to make sense of a confusing relationship — where someone seems deeply understanding one moment and manipulative the next — this research offers one possible framework, but it isn’t a substitute for working through what you’re experiencing with a professional.

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FAQ

Is “dark empath” a real diagnosis?
No. It’s a personality research concept describing a cluster of traits (Dark Triad traits combined with high empathy), not a clinical or diagnostic category.

What’s the difference between a dark empath and a narcissist?
Narcissism is one of the three traits that make up the Dark Triad. A “dark empath” profile involves elevated Dark Triad traits (which can include narcissism) alongside high empathy — the empathy is what distinguishes this pattern from a more classic, low-empathy narcissistic or psychopathic profile.

Can someone with high empathy really be manipulative?
According to the Heym et al. (2021) study, yes — the research found that empathy and manipulative behavior can coexist in the same individual, challenging the assumption that high empathy rules out manipulative intent.

If I think I’m dealing with a dark empath, what should I do?
Consider talking to a licensed mental health professional, particularly one experienced in relationship dynamics or manipulation/abuse recovery, who can help you process the relationship and figure out next steps.

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Sources

• Heym, N., Kibowski, F., Bloxsom, C. A. J., Blanchard, A., Harper, A., Wallace, L., Firth, J., & Sumich, A. (2021). The Dark Empath: Characterising dark traits in the presence of empathy. Personality and Individual Differences, 169, 110172. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110172
• Paulhus, D. L., & Williams, K. M. (2002). The Dark Triad of personality: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. Journal of Research in Personality, 36(6), 556–563. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0092-6566(02)00505-6

This article is for general informational purposes and isn’t a substitute for professional mental health advice. If you’re navigating a difficult or potentially harmful relationship, consider reaching out to a licensed provider — find one on TheraConnect.

Professional athletes are often seen as strong, confident, and resilient. But behind the spotlight, many face the same emotional struggles as everyone else. Chicago Sky star Angel Reese has become one of the most recognizable athletes speaking openly about mental health, encouraging people to prioritize their emotional well-being and support one another.

A Powerful Message After Tragedy

After the tragic death of former LSU football player Kyren Lacy, Reese shared a heartfelt message encouraging everyone to check in on the people they care about. Her reminder resonated with thousands of fans because it highlighted an important truth: many people are silently carrying emotional pain that others cannot see.

Her message serves as a reminder that kindness, compassion, and simply asking someone “How are you really doing?” can make a meaningful difference.

Living Under Constant Public Scrutiny

Since leading LSU to the 2023 NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship, Reese has experienced extraordinary success. She has also faced intense criticism, online harassment, racist remarks, sexist attacks, and even death threats.

Following LSU’s Elite Eight loss in 2024, Reese spoke candidly about the emotional toll that public scrutiny had taken on her.

“My mental health is the most important before anything.”

She explained that protecting her mental health had to come before basketball because she wanted to be at her best for herself and her teammates.

The Hidden Cost of Fame

As women’s basketball has grown in popularity, athletes have received greater visibility—but that attention has also brought increased harassment both online and in person.

The Associated Press reported that the rapid growth of women’s sports has been accompanied by a significant rise in abusive comments directed toward female athletes, particularly on social media. NCAA research has also found that women basketball players receive substantially more online abuse than many of their male counterparts during major tournaments.

In 2025, the WNBA launched its “No Space for Hate” initiative, combining stronger arena security, technology to detect abusive online behavior, and expanded mental health resources for players.

Why Mental Health Matters

Mental health affects every part of life—from relationships and work to physical health and overall well-being. Anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, burnout, and chronic stress can impact anyone, regardless of age or profession.

Many people who appear successful on the outside may still be struggling privately. Reese’s openness helps normalize conversations about seeking help and reminds others they do not have to face difficult moments alone.

Checking In Can Save a Life

One of the most meaningful takeaways from Reese’s message is the importance of checking on the people around us.

A simple phone call, text message, or conversation may help someone feel seen and supported. While friends and family provide valuable encouragement, professional mental health care can offer additional tools and guidance for those facing anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, or other emotional challenges.

Finding Professional Support

Seeking therapy is not a sign of weakness—it’s an investment in your overall health. Licensed therapists, counselors, psychologists, and other mental health professionals can help people develop coping strategies, process difficult experiences, and build resilience.

If you or someone you love is struggling, reaching out for professional support can be an important first step toward healing.

Final Thoughts

Angel Reese continues to demonstrate that courage isn’t only measured on the basketball court. By speaking honestly about mental health, encouraging compassion after tragedy, and advocating for greater awareness, she is helping reduce stigma for countless people.

Her message is one worth remembering: check on your loved ones, take care of your mental health, and never be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

High-Functioning Depression in Men: Signs, Causes, and How to Get Help

Meta Title: High-Functioning Depression in Men: Signs, Symptoms & Support

Meta Description: Learn the signs of high-functioning depression in men, why it often goes unnoticed, and practical ways to seek support and improve emotional well-being.

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Focus Keyword: High-functioning depression in men

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High-Functioning Depression in Men

Many men go to work every day, take care of their families, exercise regularly, and appear successful on the outside. Yet behind the scenes, they may be struggling with persistent sadness, exhaustion, or emotional numbness.

This is often referred to as high-functioning depression. While it is not an official medical diagnosis, the term is commonly used to describe people who continue meeting daily responsibilities while experiencing ongoing symptoms of depression. Because these individuals appear productive and capable, their struggles may go unnoticed by others—and even by themselves.

Recognizing the signs early can make it easier to seek support and improve overall well-being.

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What Is High-Functioning Depression?

High-functioning depression generally refers to a person who experiences depressive symptoms while maintaining work, family, or social responsibilities. Some people with these symptoms may meet criteria for persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia) or another depressive condition, while others may have symptoms that don’t fit neatly into one diagnosis.

Common symptoms include:

• Feeling emotionally numb
• Persistent sadness
• Low motivation
• Fatigue
• Difficulty enjoying activities
• Poor concentration
• Irritability
• Sleep problems
• Feelings of hopelessness

Unlike major depressive episodes that may significantly disrupt daily functioning, people with high-functioning depression often continue to fulfill responsibilities despite feeling emotionally depleted.

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Why Men Often Hide Depression

Many men grow up hearing messages like:

• “Be strong.”
• “Don’t cry.”
• “Handle it yourself.”

These expectations can make it difficult to acknowledge emotional struggles or ask for help.

Instead of expressing sadness, depression in men may appear as:

• Anger
• Frustration
• Withdrawal
• Working excessively
• Increased alcohol or substance use
• Risk-taking behaviors

These patterns can mask underlying depression, making it harder for friends, family, and healthcare providers to recognize what is happening.

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Common Signs of High-Functioning Depression in Men

Constant Fatigue

Even after a full night’s sleep, many men describe feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.

Irritability

Rather than appearing sad, depression may show up as increased impatience, frustration, or anger.

Loss of Interest

Activities that once felt enjoyable may begin to feel like obligations.

Difficulty Concentrating

Depression can reduce focus, productivity, and decision-making ability.

Emotional Numbness

Some men report feeling disconnected from their emotions or relationships.

Perfectionism

Trying to maintain the appearance that everything is under control can increase stress and emotional exhaustion.

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Risk Factors

Several factors may increase the likelihood of depression, including:

• Chronic stress
• Relationship difficulties
• Financial pressure
• Job burnout
• Family conflict
• Trauma
• Grief and loss
• Social isolation
• Chronic illness
• Family history of depression

Experiencing one or more of these factors does not necessarily mean someone will develop depression, but they can increase vulnerability.

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How Depression Affects Relationships

Untreated depression can impact communication, intimacy, and emotional connection.

Partners may notice:

• Emotional distance
• Increased conflict
• Reduced affection
• Lack of motivation
• Withdrawal from family activities

Because the symptoms often develop gradually, loved ones may mistake depression for disinterest or personality changes.

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Healthy Ways to Cope

Recovery often involves a combination of strategies tailored to the individual. Helpful approaches may include:

Regular Physical Activity

Exercise has been shown to support mood and overall mental health.

Quality Sleep

Aim for a consistent sleep schedule whenever possible.

Social Support

Talking with trusted friends or family members can reduce feelings of isolation.

Mindfulness

Meditation, breathing exercises, or yoga may help manage stress.

Balanced Nutrition

Regular, nourishing meals support both physical and mental well-being.

Professional Support

A licensed mental health professional can help identify symptoms, develop coping strategies, and discuss treatment options.

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When to Seek Professional Help

Consider reaching out to a healthcare provider or licensed mental health professional if symptoms:

• Last more than two weeks
• Interfere with work or relationships
• Feel overwhelming
• Continue getting worse
• Include thoughts of self-harm or suicide

Early support often leads to better outcomes.

If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide or is in immediate danger, call emergency services or contact your local crisis service right away. In the U.S. and Canada, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.

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Final Thoughts

High-functioning depression can be difficult to recognize because life on the outside may appear successful while emotional struggles continue beneath the surface. Recognizing the signs is not a sign of weakness—it is an opportunity to seek support and begin healing.

No one has to face depression alone. With the right support, treatment, and healthy coping strategies, recovery is possible.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Can someone have depression and still function normally?

Yes. Some people continue working, caring for their families, and meeting responsibilities while experiencing ongoing depressive symptoms.

Is high-functioning depression a medical diagnosis?

No. “High-functioning depression” is not an official diagnosis, but it is commonly used to describe people who experience depression while maintaining daily functioning.

Why is depression different in men?

Men may be more likely to express depression through irritability, anger, withdrawal, or increased work rather than openly discussing sadness.

Can therapy help?

Yes. Evidence-based therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), along with other treatments recommended by a qualified professional, can help many people manage depression.

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Suggested Internal Links for FitnessHacksForLife.org

• Signs You’re Emotionally Exhausted
• Why Men Hide Their Emotions
• How to Reduce Stress Naturally
• Understanding Anxiety in Men
• How Childhood Trauma Affects Adults
• Building Emotional Resilience

APA References

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.; DSM-5-TR). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.

National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Depression. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression

World Health Organization. (2023). Depressive disorder (depression). https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression

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References (APA 7th Edition)

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.; DSM-5-TR). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.

Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(4), 638–656. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2007.09.006

National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Depression. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression

World Health Organization. (2023). Depressive disorder (depression). https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/depression

Healing from narcissistic abuse isn’t linear. Some days you feel like yourself again; other days an old memory pulls you right back. Journaling can help — not by rushing the process, but by giving you a private space to untangle what happened, reconnect with your own voice, and track how far you’ve come.

Below are 40 prompts organized into seven stages of recovery. You don’t need to work through them in order, and you don’t need to answer all of them in one sitting. Pick whichever one meets you where you are today.

Understanding What Happened

Before you can heal, it helps to name what you experienced clearly — often for the first time.

1. What’s one moment where I first sensed something was wrong, even if I couldn’t name it then?
2. What did I convince myself was normal that wasn’t?
3. What patterns do I recognize now that I couldn’t see while I was in it?
4. What did I lose access to — friends, hobbies, opinions — during that relationship?
5. What’s one thing I was blamed for that wasn’t actually my fault?

Reclaiming Your Voice

Narcissistic relationships often train you to stay quiet. These prompts help you practice speaking again — even if only on paper.

6. What’s an opinion I stopped sharing because it wasn’t worth the fight?
7. What would I say to them now if there were no consequences?
8. What’s a boundary I never got to set — what would it sound like?
9. When did I last say “no” and mean it? What happened?
10. What’s something true about me that they tried to rewrite?

Rebuilding Trust in Yourself

Chronic gaslighting erodes your confidence in your own perception. This section is about restoring it.

11. What’s a decision I made recently that I’m proud of?
12. When did I ignore my gut instinct — and what did it cost me?
13. What does my intuition feel like in my body when something’s off?
14. What’s one thing I know to be true about myself, no matter what anyone else says?
15. What would it look like to trust myself the way I used to trust them?

Grief and Letting Go

It’s possible to know a relationship was harmful and still grieve it. Both things can be true.

16. What am I grieving that isn’t just the relationship — a version of myself, a future I imagined?
17. What’s something I miss, even though I know the relationship was harmful?
18. What did I need to hear during that relationship that I never got?
19. What’s a memory I’m ready to stop replaying?
20. What would closure feel like if it didn’t come from them?

Identity and Self-Worth

Reconnecting with who you were before — and who you’re becoming now.

21. Who was I before that relationship — what did I value?
22. What’s a part of myself I hid to keep the peace?
23. What compliment do I have a hard time believing, and why?
24. What would I do differently if I fully believed I deserved good treatment?
25. What’s one way I’ve grown that I wouldn’t take back, even given the cost?

Recognizing Manipulation Patterns

Naming the specific tactics used against you can loosen their grip.

26. What’s a phrase they used that I now recognize as a tactic?
27. When did an apology from them make things worse, not better?
28. What’s something I apologized for that I didn’t need to?
29. How did they respond when I was happy without them?
30. What did “I’m sorry you feel that way” actually mean, looking back?

Present-Day Healing

Healing happens in small, daily moments, not just big breakthroughs.

31. What’s one thing that felt safe today?
32. Who in my life makes me feel like myself again?
33. What’s a small act of self-trust I practiced this week?
34. What does my nervous system need right now — rest, movement, connection?
35. What’s something I used to love that I want to return to?

Moving Forward

Looking ahead — not to rush healing, but to remember it’s possible.

36. What kind of relationships do I want to build now, knowing what I know?
37. What would I tell someone just starting to recognize a pattern like mine?
38. What’s one red flag I now know to watch for?
39. What does healthy love look like to me, in specific terms?
40. A year from now, what do I hope I can say about how far I’ve come?

A Note on Using These Prompts

There’s no right pace for this work. Some prompts might bring up more than you expect — if that happens, it’s okay to put the notebook down and come back another day. Journaling is a tool for reflection, not a substitute for support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in abuse recovery.

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FAQ

How often should I journal using these prompts?
There’s no set schedule — some people journal daily, others weekly. Consistency matters more than frequency; even one prompt a week can build clarity over time.

What if a prompt brings up something painful?
That’s common and okay. Pause, care for yourself first (a walk, calling someone you trust, deep breathing), and return to the prompt later or with the support of a therapist.

Do I need therapy in addition to journaling?
Journaling can be a powerful supplement to therapy but isn’t a replacement for it, especially for processing trauma. A therapist trained in abuse recovery can help you work through what comes up.

Can I use these prompts if I’m still in the relationship?
Yes, though be mindful of privacy and safety — keep your journal somewhere secure, or consider a digital app with a passcode, if there’s any risk of your writing being discovered.

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Sources

Books

American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.; DSM-5-TR). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.

Campbell, W. K., & Miller, J. D. (Eds.). (2011). The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments. John Wiley & Sons.

Kernberg, O. F. (1975). Borderline conditions and pathological narcissism. Jason Aronson.

Masterson, J. F. (1981). The narcissistic and borderline disorders: An integrated developmental approach. Brunner/Mazel.

Ronningstam, E. (2005). Identifying and understanding the narcissistic personality. Oxford University Press.

Vaknin, S. (2015). Malignant self-love: Narcissism revisited (10th ed.). Narcissus Publications.

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Peer-Reviewed Journal Articles

Cain, N. M., Pincus, A. L., & Ansell, E. B. (2008). Narcissism at the crossroads: Phenotypic description of pathological narcissism across clinical theory, social/personality psychology, and psychiatric diagnosis. Clinical Psychology Review, 28(4), 638–656. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2007.09.006

Miller, J. D., Lynam, D. R., Hyatt, C. S., & Campbell, W. K. (2017). Controversies in narcissism. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 13, 291–315. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032816-045244

Pincus, A. L., & Lukowitsky, M. R. (2010). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 421–446. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131215

Ronningstam, E. (2011). Narcissistic personality disorder: A current review. Current Psychiatry Reports, 13(1), 68–75. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11920-010-0177-8

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Reputable Online Resources

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Personality disorders. https://www.apa.org

Cleveland Clinic. (2024). Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). https://my.clevelandclinic.org

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2024). Narcissistic personality disorder. https://www.mayoclinic.org

National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Personality disorders. https://www.nimh.nih.gov

What lies beneath narcissists’ outrageous and self-aggrandizing behaviors. By Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., MFT,

Source: Just Dance/Shutterstock

Although narcissists act superior to others and posture as beyond reproach, underneath their grandiose exteriors lurk their deepest fears: That they are flawed, illegitimate, and ordinary.

We know from research and foundational theory about narcissism that narcissists develop a “false self” or “as-if” personality to hide their fears and failings.

Narcissists who grew up over-empowered come to expect that the world will treat them as special as their parents did, without them having to do anything to merit such treatment.

Narcissists who grew up under-empowered live on a treadmill of self-aggrandizement, seeking to cover their shame for falling short of the impossibly high standards their parents placed on them.

In either case, narcissists live behind an endlessly-under-construction facade designed to procure attention and special treatment while obscuring failings and weaknesses they dare not confront.

Narcissists are frightened, fragile people. Rejection, humiliation, and even the tiniest of defeats can shake them to their core.

This leaves narcissists wholly focused on their image. They believe that how they are viewed by others, and how they view themselves, will shield them against realities of life that few of us like but most of us come to accept. Realities such as:

• None of us is perfect.
• We all have our limitations.
• We can’t get everything we want.
• There will always be someone younger, prettier, richer, or more successful.
• Ultimately, we all age and die.

Source: Eskemar/Shutterstock

Loath to acknowledge such universal truths, narcissists rarely admit, let alone embrace, that to be human sometimes means having doubts, feeling lonely, making mistakes, and living with despair. To narcissists, such experiences are seen as weak, which they cannot allow.

As a result, narcissists live constantly on guard, viewing everyone as potential competitors. Narcissists’ strategies may differ—they may become blowhards, exhibitionists, charmers, or martyrs—but the goals are the same: to prevail every single time while always avoiding loss of face.

Ensconced in spinning a version of reality most favorable to them, narcissists tend to lie and misrepresent so readily that they become convinced that whatever they utter in the moment is true and right. To many around them, such conviction can be persuasive unless you spot the underlying man-behind-the-curtain dynamic.

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If such an existence sounds lonely and exhausting, it is. But narcissists, like many species of sharks, cannot stop moving or they will perish. In their never-ending quest for attention and gratification, they manipulate, bully, and boast. These tactics and projections inevitably offload narcissists’ unclaimed loneliness and exhaustion to those around them.

For those of us with narcissists in our lives, knowing all this can be freeing. Understanding narcissists’ dread of looking bad can help us have compassion for their excesses and lack of empathy.

Recognizing their terror of being unmasked can help us understand why their rage can be triggered by the most benign of events.

Understanding their fear of being seen as ordinary may help explain their inability to meet others on an even playing field or seek win-win solutions.

Yet having compassion for and understanding of narcissists does not take away from our responsibility to protect ourselves from narcissistic manipulation and abuse.

When you interact with narcissists, ask yourself what the costs are. Consider whether those costs are worth spending a minute more than necessary around an unhealthy narcissistic person.

Narcissists will nearly always find others to feed their egos. You don’t have to be the meal. Your time, attention, presence, emotional health, and self-esteem are precious gifts. Bestow them wisely.

Copyright © 2020 Dan Neuharth PhD MFT

An earlier version of this post appeared on psychcentral.com

References

Kohut, H. (2009.) The Analysis of the Self: A Systematic Approach to the Psychoanalytic Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorders. (Rev Ed.) Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press.

Deutsch, H. (1942.) Some Forms of Emotional Disturbance and their Relationship to Schizophrenia. The Psychoanalytic Quarterly, (11) 301-321.

Winnicott, D. W. (1960). The Maturational Process and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. New York: International Universities Press.