“Navigating Toxic Family Dynamics with Grace & Boundaries”
The holidays can be a minefield when dealing with toxic family members. This quiz presents 5 common scenarios. Choose how you’d react to see your “Boundary Style.”
This time of the year brings a lot of changes to the usual day-to-day life of hundreds of millions of people: The weather is colder, trees are naked, snowy days become plentiful and friendly critters are less visible around the neighborhood. Especially in the Western Hemisphere, this time of the year is also linked to a lot of joyous celebrations and traditions. Most children and many adults have been excited for this time of the year to come for months, and they love the aura of celebrations, with their gatherings, gifts, cookies, emails and cards.
Alas, there are also millions who have to deal with darker emotions as the world literally darkens around them.
The holiday blues – that feeling of being in a lower or more anxious mood amid the significant change in our environment and the multitude of stressors that the holidays can bring – is a phenomenon that is yet to be thoroughly researched. However, as academic psychiatrists and neuroscience researchers, we have seen how several factors contribute to this experience.
There are many reasons to feel stressed or even downright overwhelmed during this time of year, in addition to the expectations set around us.
Memories of holidays past, either fond or sad, can create a sense of loss this time of year. We may find ourselves missing people who are no longer with us, and carrying on the same traditions without them can be a strong reminder of their absence.
The sense of burden or obligation, both socially or financially, can be significant. We can get caught up in the commercial aspects of gift giving, wanting to find that perfect item for family and friends. Many set their sights on special gifts, and we often can feel stretched thin trying to find a balance between making our loved ones happy and keeping our bank accounts from being in the black.
It’s also a time for gathering with those close to us, which can stir up many emotions, both good and bad. Some may find themselves away from or without close connections and end up isolated and withdrawn, further disconnected from others. On the other hand, many people find themselves feeling overwhelmed by the combination of potlucks and Secret Santas stacking up through multiple invitations, be it at school, work, or from friends and family – leaving us with the difficult position of not wanting to disappoint others, while not getting totally depleted by all the constant socializing.
People often feel disappointed when reality does not meet expectations. The larger the mismatch, the worse the negative feelings. One of us (Arash) often finds himself telling his patients: Childhood fairy tales can set an unrealistic bar in our minds about life. I wish we were told more real stories, taking the bad with the good, as we would get hurt less when faced with difficult realities of life, and learn how to especially appreciate our good fortunes.
These days viewers are showered with Christmas and New Year’s Eve movies, almost all of which sound and feel like fairy tales. People get married, get rich, fall in love or reconnect with their loved ones. Even unhappy events within “A Christmas Carol” conclude with a happy ending. These all, besides exposure to only happy moments and beautiful gifts (courtesy of Santa), dazzling Christmas decorations, and picturesque family scenes on social media, often set an unrealistic expectation for how this time of the year “should” feel.
Reality is different, though, and at its best is not always as colorful. There may be disagreements about hows, wheres, whats and whos of the celebration, and not all family members, friends and relatives get along well at parties. And as we feel lonelier, we may find ourselves spending more time immersed in TV and social media, leading to more exposure to unrealistic views of the holidays and feeling all the worse about our situation.
While many experience the more transient “holiday blues” this time of year, it is important not to miss more serious conditions like seasonal mood changes, which in its most severe case leads to clinical depression, including Seasonal Affective Disorder. SAD consists of episodes of depression or a worsening of existing depression during the late fall and early winter. The person may feel depressed and hopeless, or they may find it difficult to focus, sleep, or be motivated – they can even feel suicidal. As our emotions can color our thoughts and memories, a depressed person may remember more negative memories, have a more negative perception and interpretation of the events, and feel upset about the holidays.
In such cases, the sadness is “coincident” with the holidays and not caused solely by its circumstances. It is important to seek professional help with SAD, as we have effective treatments available, such as medications and light therapy.
While the holiday blues are most often temporary, it’s important to identify when things have crossed over into clinical depression, which is more severe and longer lasting. It also impairs daily functioning. For these symptoms it is often helpful and necessary to seek professional help. This can consist of counseling or use of medications, or both, to help treat symptoms.
Linda Saab, M.D. is a psychiatrist and Assistant Professor at Wayne State University Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Neurosciences. She completed her psychiatry residency at the University of Michigan. As a clinical educator, she is especially interested in training resident physicians. In her clinical work, she uses pharmacotherapy, psychotherapy, and promoting healthy lifestyle habits. She treats all mental illness, with a special interest in anxiety and trauma related disorders.
Arash Javanbakht, M.D., is the director of the Stress, Trauma, and Anxiety Research Clinic (STARC; https://www.starclab.org) at Wayne State University. Dr Javanbakht and his work have been featured on the National Geographic, The Atlantic, CNN, Aljazeera, NPR, Washington Post, Smithsonian, PBS, American Psychiatric Association, Anxiety and Depression Association of America, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and tens of other media.
In today’s age of self-help and personal growth, therapy speaks become ubiquitous in our daily conversations. From “setting boundaries” to “self-care,” these buzzwords have permeated our language and culture. While the intention behind using these terms is to promote mental well-being and improve our relationships, some experts argue that therapy speak is doing more harm than good. They suggest that the excessive focus on individualism and self-improvement has made us self-centered and oblivious to the needs of others. In this article, we explore the question: is therapy speaking making us selfish?
Focusing too much on oneself can lead to self-centered behavior that can negatively affect an individual’s relationships and overall well-being. Here are eight ways that people can become selfish after focusing too much on themselves:
When individuals are too focused on their own needs and desires, they may struggle to empathize with others and understand their perspectives.
People who are too self-focused may prioritize their own needs over those of others, leading to a lack of consideration for others’ feelings and desires.
Self-centered behavior can lead to a lack of interest in forming and maintaining meaningful relationships with others, as people may struggle to see beyond their own needs.
Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to developing narcissistic tendencies, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of concern for others.
Self-centered individuals may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, instead shifting blame onto others or refusing to acknowledge their role in adverse situations.
When individuals are too focused on their needs, they may struggle to compromise or consider others’ perspectives, leading to conflict in relationships and a lack of cooperation.
Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to a sense of entitlement, where individuals feel that they deserve special treatment or privileges without regard for the needs and desires of others.
Self-centered individuals may struggle to appreciate the efforts and contributions of others, leading to a lack of gratitude and appreciation for the support they receive.
Focusing too much on oneself can lead to self-centered behavior that can negatively affect an individual’s relationships and overall well-being. Here are five reasons why focusing too much on yourself can make you selfish:
When individuals are too focused on their needs and desires, they may struggle to empathize with others and understand their perspectives. This can make it difficult for them to connect with others and build meaningful relationships.
When individuals are too focused on their needs, they may struggle to compromise or consider others’ perspectives. This can lead to conflict in relationships and a lack of cooperation.
Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to a sense of entitlement, where individuals feel that they deserve special treatment or privileges without regard for the needs and desires of others. This can lead to selfish behavior and a lack of consideration for others.
Self-centered individuals may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, instead shifting blame onto others or refusing to acknowledge their role in adverse situations. This can lead to a lack of personal growth and self-improvement.
People who are too self-focused may prioritize their needs over those of others, leading to a lack of consideration for others’ feelings and desires. This can damage relationships and contribute to a sense of isolation and loneliness.
There is no straightforward answer to this question, as the effects of therapy on selfishness can vary widely depending on the individual and the type of therapy they receive. Generally speaking, treatment is designed to help individuals improve their emotional and psychological well-being by addressing underlying issues that may contribute to selfish behavior or attitudes. Through therapy, individuals can gain insight into their thinking and behavior patterns, develop coping skills, and learn to communicate more effectively with others.
Therapy can promote self-reflection and increase awareness of one’s impact on others, which can help individuals become more empathetic and considerate. However, some individuals may resist this process or use therapy as a way to justify or reinforce their self-centered behavior. In some cases, therapy can even be used as a means to manipulate or control others.
Ultimately, the effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness depends on a range of factors, including the individual’s willingness to engage in the therapeutic process, the quality of the therapeutic relationship, and the compatibility of the therapeutic approach with the individual’s needs and personality. The effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness depends on several factors, including:
The individual’s level of motivation and commitment to the therapeutic process is crucial to the success of therapy. Treatment may be ineffective without a willingness to actively engage in therapy and work towards change.
A robust therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the individual is essential for effective therapy. A positive and supportive relationship can promote trust, openness, and collaboration, facilitating change.
Different therapeutic approaches may be more effective for addressing specific types of selfish behavior or attitudes. Individuals must work with a therapist who utilizes an approach that aligns with their needs and personality.
The severity of the individual’s selfish behavior or attitude can impact the effectiveness of therapy. In some cases, more intensive or long-term treatment may be necessary to achieve significant change.
The individual’s support network, including family, friends, and other social support systems, can be essential to therapy success. Support from others can provide encouragement and reinforcement for positive changes made in therapy.
Co-occurring mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, can impact the effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness. It may be necessary to address these issues in treatment to fully address the individual’s selfish behavior or attitudes.
If you have a narcissist in your life whom you cannot completely cut off, choosing the right strategy to protect yourself is essential. No contact and gray rock are two of the most effective techniques for managing interactions with a narcissist, but which one is best for you? Let’s explore both approaches so you can make the right decision for your situation.
No contact means exactly that—absolutely no communication or interaction with the narcissist. Imagine a brick wall between you and them, where you neither know nor care about what happens on the other side. While the “not caring” part doesn’t happen overnight, it will come in time as you heal and break free from the trauma bond.
No contact goes beyond avoiding phone calls or in-person interactions. It also means:
Many survivors mistakenly believe they’re following no contact while still keeping tabs on their abuser through indirect means. However, each time you check their social media or ask about them, you are inviting them back into your mind. This is emotional contact, which keeps the trauma bond alive and prevents healing.
If you do not share children, work together, or have unavoidable family ties, no contact is the best choice. This means proactively blocking all access the narcissist has to you—both physically and mentally. Keeping a door open for them, even subconsciously, only allows them to maintain control over your emotions.
Victims often hesitate to block their abuser because they secretly hope for some form of contact. They may think they’ll feel empowered rejecting them or finally telling them off. However, this fleeting sense of power is deceptive. It only reactivates the trauma bond, pulling them back into the cycle of abuse.
Think of breaking no contact like a former smoker having “just one cigarette.” That single moment of weakness reactivates the addiction, making relapse inevitable. The same applies to narcissistic abuse—keeping the door open allows them to drag you back into the toxic cycle.
Gray rock is a strategy for when no contact isn’t an option. It involves making yourself as uninteresting as possible to the narcissist. You want to become like a dull, lifeless rock—giving them nothing to feed on emotionally.
With gray rock, you:
The goal is to starve the narcissist of the emotional reactions they crave, making you an unappealing source of supply. Over time, they will likely move on to an easier target.
Gray rock is necessary when you must interact with a narcissist, such as:
If you share a child, limiting interactions as much as possible is key. Just because you co-parent does not mean you need open communication 24/7. Boundaries are essential. Minimize conversations to only necessary topics regarding your child and keep exchanges emotionless.
If you can go no contact, that is always the best option. However, if circumstances prevent this, mastering the gray rock technique can help you reclaim control and protect your emotional well-being.
Narcissists are incredibly cunning—but not in a good way. They will launch into abusive rants, calling you every name under the sun. But the moment they sense that you’re backing off, trying to go gray rock, and refusing to take the bait, they switch tactics.
Another common manipulation is when the narcissist starts acting like they want to be your friend. They casually message or call you just to chat, slipping into your life under the guise of co-parenting. You may find yourself hoping that this newfound friendliness is genuine—that maybe, just maybe, you can finally have a positive, functional relationship for the sake of your kids.
But soon enough, the mask slips. They go from playing nice to blindsiding you with criticism, gaslighting, and emotional attacks. One day, they act like a reasonable co-parent; the next, they’re dragging you back into chaos. This cycle is deliberate. It keeps you emotionally hooked, constantly guessing, and unable to heal.
If you’re still in the family court process, consult your lawyer before implementing gray rock strategies. The legal system often fails to recognize personality disorders, and narcissists are masters at flipping the script—denying, attacking, and reversing the roles of victim and abuser. They may use the effects of their abuse (such as your anxiety or emotional distress) against you to paint you as unstable.
Once the court process is over, you can fully implement gray rock. Here’s how:
Boundaries aren’t just for co-parenting—they apply to toxic family members too. Many adult children of narcissistic parents struggle with overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries. Years of conditioning make it feel easier to just “get the phone call over with” rather than face the inevitable backlash.
But if every conversation leaves you feeling drained, criticized, or manipulated, it’s time to make changes:
Whether it’s a narcissistic co-parent, parent, or family member, the key to protecting yourself is recognizing their tactics and refusing to engage in their manipulative games. They thrive on controlling your emotions, but the moment you take that power away, their hold on you weakens.
Going gray rock isn’t easy, but in time, it will bring you the peace and clarity you deserve. Choose the strategy that fits your situation best, and remember—you deserve peace, healing, and freedom from their toxic influence.
A narcissist is characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance and a profound lack of empathy for others, often craving admiration and believing in their uniqueness. While narcissism can manifest as a trait or a full-blown personality disorder, the secretive narcissist stands out as particularly elusive.
This type of narcissist excels at concealing their true nature and adeptly manipulating those around them. Despite sometimes presenting as humble or shy, their core is marked by selfishness, arrogance, and a sense of entitlement. Their toolbox includes deception, gaslighting, and projection, and they aim to control and exploit relationships, be it with partners, friends, or family members.
Secretive narcissists often battle with paranoia, insecurity, and jealousy, underpinned by a deep-seated shame and fear of being exposed. They epitomize the “wolves in sheep’s clothing” within the narcissistic world.
This article delves into the characteristics, motives, and behaviors of secretive narcissists, offering insights on how to identify, cope with, and heal from such relationships. Understanding the secretive narcissist is key to unveiling their mask and safeguarding yourself from their detrimental impact.
How can you tell if someone is a secretive narcissist? Unlike the overt narcissist, who openly displays their sense of superiority and entitlement, the covert narcissist conceals their true nature behind a facade of humility and vulnerability. They may come across as shy, modest, or self-deprecating, yet beneath this disguise, they harbor a deep sense of self-centeredness, arrogance, and a propensity for manipulation.
Here are some signs that can help you identify a secretive narcissist in your life.
One of the tactics secretive narcissists use to control and hurt their partners is neglect and avoidance. They might appear distant, cold, indifferent, or withdrawn from intimacy and communication. It’s common for them to ignore or invalidate your feelings, needs, and opinions.
This behavior is designed to make you feel insecure, unworthy, and overly dependent on them. Additionally, it serves as a way for them to dodge accountability and responsibility for their actions.
They might blame you for their issues or label you as needy, clingy, or overly demanding.
Another hallmark of a secretive narcissist is their ability to lead a double life. This could manifest through engaging in multiple affairs, maintaining secret hobbies, concealing financial activities, or hiding addictions.
They may resort to lying, cheating, or stealing without remorse. Furthermore, they often adopt different personas depending on the people they are with or the situation. They can be charming, friendly, and generous in public yet turn cruel, abusive, and selfish in private.
Despite pretending to be loyal, faithful, and honest, they are, in reality, disloyal, unfaithful, and dishonest. Their actions aim to deceive and exploit others while protecting their fragile ego from being exposed.
A third indicator of a secretive narcissist is their misuse of confidentiality and silence. They may insist that you keep their secrets or discourage you from sharing your troubles with others. They might also withhold their feelings, thoughts, or plans from you.
By giving you the silent treatment or withholding information, affection, or praise, they aim to isolate and confuse you, thereby maintaining their power and control. They might also lie by omission or deliberately avoid answering your questions, further entrenching their manipulative hold over you.
Being in a relationship with a secretive narcissist can be very challenging. They may make you feel confused, frustrated, angry, or hurt.
They may also try to isolate you from your friends and family or sabotage your success and happiness. How can you deal with these challenges and protect yourself from their harm?
Here are some strategies that can help you.
The first step is to recognize the manipulation tactics that secretive narcissists use to control and exploit you. Some of these tactics are:
By recognizing these tactics, you can avoid falling for their traps and maintain your sense of self and reality.
The second step is to set clear and consistent boundaries with the secretive narcissist. Boundaries are the rules and limits you set for yourself and others in a relationship.
They help you to protect your rights, needs, and well-being. Some examples of boundaries are:
By setting boundaries, you can assert your self-respect and dignity and prevent the secretive narcissist from taking advantage of you.
The third step is to seek support and therapy if you are in a relationship with a secretive narcissist. Support can come from your friends, family, or other people who understand what you are going through.
They can offer emotional, practical, or financial help or listen to and validate your feelings. Therapy can come from a professional counselor, therapist, or coach who can help you to heal from the trauma, pain, or damage caused by the secretive narcissist.
They can also help you rebuild your self-esteem, confidence, and identity and develop healthy coping skills and strategies.
By seeking support and therapy, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and manipulation and recover your mental and emotional health.
After ending a relationship with a secretive narcissist, feelings of trauma, betrayal, and brokenness are common. Alongside these, you might grapple with low self-esteem and trust issues.
These reactions are normal and understandable, given the abuse and manipulation you’ve endured. However, recovering from the damage and reclaiming your life is possible. Below are steps to help you heal and grow after a narcissistic relationship.
The first step is recognizing how the secretive narcissist has impacted your self-esteem and trust. These individuals often criticize, reject, and blame their partners, masking their shortcomings.
They may lie, cheat, and conceal their true selves to undermine your confidence and foster dependency. This behavior also serves to dodge intimacy and accountability.
As a result, feelings of worthlessness, unlovability, and foolishness may surface. To combat these negative emotions, it’s important to challenge the narcissist’s false beliefs. Understand that you are not the problem; they are. Remind yourself of your strengths, achievements, and values.
Reclaiming your identity and autonomy is essential, as is restoring trust in yourself and others. Achieve this by listening to your intuition, honoring your needs and feelings, and surrounding yourself with honest and supportive individuals.
The second step involves rebuilding your relationships and social connections. Secretive narcissists often isolate their partners from friends and family, sabotaging their success and happiness to maintain control and project their insecurities.
This can lead to feelings of loneliness, alienation, and depression. Overcoming these feelings requires reconnecting with those who care about and support you. Reach out to friends, family, or other survivors of narcissistic abuse to share your story and needs.
Accepting help, comfort, and advice is important, as is expanding your social network and discovering new activities and interests that align with your passions and values. Engage in groups, clubs, or communities, volunteer, travel, or learn something new to enrich your social life and well-being.
The third step is advancing your healing and personal growth. Despite the trauma and pain inflicted by secretive narcissists, there are also lessons, insights, and opportunities for growth.
You might feel angry, sad, scared, but grateful, wise, and hopeful. To navigate these emotions, process your trauma and pain, grieve your losses, express your emotions, and forgive yourself and others.
Seeking professional help, such as therapy or coaching, can be invaluable. Pursue healing and personal growth by learning from your experience, embracing challenges, and striving for positive change.
Set new goals, chase your dreams, and create your happiness. Remember, you have the power to rebuild and transform your life.
In this article, we have explored the dynamics of the secretive narcissist, a particularly insidious type of individual who conceals their true nature while manipulating those around them. We’ve delved into strategies for identifying, coping with, and ultimately healing from the scars left by a relationship with a secretive narcissist.
It’s clear that while the secretive narcissist can inflict significant emotional damage, this adversity can also serve as a powerful catalyst for personal growth and healing. The key steps involve unmasking their deceit, safeguarding our well-being, and reclaiming our lives.
If you find yourself entangled in a relationship with a secretive narcissist, or if you have suspicions that you might be, it’s imperative to take decisive action. Remember, you are not alone, and you unequivocally deserve better.
In today’s digitally connected world, social media platforms have become assertive communication, self-expression, and connection tools. However, like any tool, they can be misused for harmful purposes, as demonstrated by narcissists who engage in smear campaigns to tarnish the reputation and credibility of their targets.
A narcissistic smear campaign is a calculated strategy that narcissists employ to undermine the reputation and credibility of their target. These campaigns involve spreading false information, malicious gossip, and rumors to isolate the victim from their support network.
Social media provides narcissists a platform to unleash their campaign without direct accountability. Behind the veil of online pseudonyms and fake accounts, they spread false accusations, half-truths, and distortions of reality.
Narcissists are adept at diverting attention from their behavior by launching false accusations against their targets. By manipulating the narrative, they aim to shift the focus from their actions to the alleged misconduct of the victim. These accusations serve as a smokescreen that obscures their motives and misdeeds.
Narcissists engage in public shaming by making derogatory comments, sharing private information, or engaging in character assassination. Through harsh words and insidious posts, they attempt to humiliate and belittle their targets, all while rallying supporters to their cause. The impact of such public shaming can be devastating, leaving the victim emotionally scarred and socially isolated.
By spreading rumors and false narratives, narcissists aim to sow seeds of doubt in the minds of those who know the victim. Friends, family members, and acquaintances may unknowingly participate in the campaign as the false information takes root and influences their perception of the target.
Awareness is critical to countering the effects of a narcissistic smear campaign. There are several signs to watch out for:
While a narcissistic smear campaign can be distressing, there are steps you can take to mitigate its impact:
Narcissists wield social media as a weapon in their arsenal of manipulation. By spreading false information, leveraging anonymity, and exploiting the power of amplification, they aim to isolate and discredit their targets. Recognizing the signs of a smear campaign and taking proactive steps to protect your reputation and well-being can help you navigate these treacherous waters.
What to say when the people in your life do not understand narcissism?
KEY POINTS:
Many people who have suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of a mate have a very difficult time explaining their situation to people who have never experienced anything like it. They are usually asked some form of the following questions:
Everyone will have his or her own version of the answers to these questions. However, it can be hard to repeatedly explain what happened and why. My clients’ dilemmas motivated me to write out for them a general explanation that they could adapt to their situation, print, and hand out to their loved ones.
Note: In this post, I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. I am using male pronouns in the example below, but this can be applied to all genders.
My partner (or ex) has narcissistic personality disorder. This means that although he can project an image of being very confident and capable, underneath he actually feels very insecure about his self-worth. This uncertainty makes him seek perfection, validation from other people, and high status in an effort to reassure himself that he is special and stabilize his shaky self-esteem.
People with narcissistic personality disorder lack emotional empathy. This means that my partner could not feel happy for me when I succeeded at something (unless it reflected well on him) or bad when he hurt me.
The combination of these two things—difficulty regulating his own self-esteem and having no real empathy for other people—made my partner very self-centered and preoccupied with his own needs, although he generally tried to hide this. Instead, he did his best to project an image of whatever he thought would make him seem admirable to other people.
All of the above made him ultra-sensitive to negative feedback, easily offended, and very aggressive towards me when he became angry.
In the beginning of our relationship, he was very admiring and attentive to me. I didn’t realize it, but “getting” me after courting me made him feel strong and special.
Once we were together, that wore off. He started to pick me apart and tell me what I needed to change. He became very bossy and punished me by yelling or coldly withdrawing whenever I did not do things his way. He also blamed me for anything that went wrong, even when it was obviously his fault. I started to be afraid of him after he threw the TV remote at my head.
Things got worse as time went on. He did not care that he was abusing me (no emotional empathy) and he wanted to hurt me because devaluing and abusing me made him feel strong and better than me, which upped his self-esteem. In essence, our whole relationship from the beginning was all about him using me to feel better about himself.
By the end of the relationship, I felt like a broken confused mess.
Back then, before I learned about narcissism, I could not understand why I was being abused by a person who claimed to love me. It took me a long time to realize that I would never be able to please him, and we would always be fighting because he was a narcissist and incapable of having a normal relationship.
Even though I now know this, it is still taking me a long time to heal because I really loved him and I believed him when he said he loved me and that we would be together forever.
It can be difficult to explain narcissistic abuse to people who have never experienced it. They are usually puzzled about how you could let this happen and not see it coming and why you stayed in the relationship after the abuse started. Some people may think that you are exaggerating. It is especially hard to explain when your narcissistic mate can project an image to other people of being smart, calm, and caring. In the end, you may have to settle for accepting that some people will simply not be able to imagine how you suffered or how badly you were treated.
This also appeared on Quora.
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Dr. Elinor Greenberg, psychologist, is an internationally renowned
consultant, author, and Gestalt therapy trainer who specializes in the
diagnosis and treatment of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid
adaptations. She is on the faculty of the New York Institute for Gestalt
Therapy and the Gestalt Center for Psychotherapy and Training, where she
developed and teaches an 8-session course on personality disorders. Dr.
Greenberg is an Associate Editor of Gestalt Review, a peer reviewed
professional journal. She has trained psychotherapists in the USA, Canada,
England, Wales, Sicily, Sweden, Norway, Mexico, Serbia, Croatia,
Montenegro, Russia, and Malta. Dr. Greenberg is the author of the book:
Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love,
Admiration, and Safety.
Individuals with narcissistic traits often display specific texting habits that mirror their personality characteristics and communication style. Take a look at some commonly observed text behaviors linked to narcissism:
In the initial stages of a relationship or during the ‘love-bombing’ phase, narcissists tend to flood your inbox with frequent, complimentary, and intense messages. This strategy aims to captivate the recipient and foster a sense of closeness.
Narcissists may abruptly cease responding to texts, utilizing silence as a means of control or as a form of punishment. This behavior typically surfaces when they feel slighted, crave attention, or aim to manipulate the dynamics of the situation.
The timing of their responses can be erratic, displaying a range from immediate replies to prolonged delays without an apparent reason. This inconsistency often leaves the recipient feeling uncertain and preoccupied with the unpredictable nature of the narcissist’s communication style.
One common trait in texts from narcissists is manipulation. They often try to mess with your reality, shake your confidence, and make you doubt your memory or judgment. It’s like they’re playing mind games to control the situation.
When you read their texts, you might notice a pattern – it’s all about them. Their interests, achievements, and problems take the spotlight, leaving little room for your needs or feelings. It’s like a one-way street where they’re the main character.
Dealing with a narcissist’s texts can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, they’re sweet and affectionate, and the next, they’re cold and aggressive. It’s like their mood is directly linked to how much attention and admiration they’re getting.
Watch out for those subtle jabs and sarcastic comments. When they feel criticized or think they’re not getting the attention they deserve, narcissists may express their frustration through passive-aggressive behavior or sarcasm in their texts.
Reading their messages might leave you feeling like something’s missing – genuine empathy. Narcissists often don’t show a real interest in your emotional state. Instead, their texts focus on their experiences and feelings, leaving yours in the background. It’s like they’re not tuning into your emotional channel.
One common trick is involving third parties in text conversations. This could mean casually mentioning other people to stir up jealousy or unfavorably comparing the person to others, which is a tactic often used.
Some individuals expect instant responses and can get upset or even punitive if they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve within the timeframe they want.
There are instances, especially during arguments or when trying to regain control, where a narcissist might flood the recipient with numerous texts, creating a sort of message avalanche.
Following a conflict or a period of silence, a narcissist might switch gears suddenly and send overly affectionate or flattering messages. This is a way to pull the person back in, like a charm offensive.
Now that school is back in session, many high schoolers have new phones, new computers, and new privileges for using their devices – and new responsibilities too. High schoolers today are more technology-savvy than average adults. While many people think that young people use their devices primarily for video games and social networking, the reality today is that high schoolers use technology for learning as much as for entertainment.
As the director of cybersecurity programs at the University at Albany’s School of Business, I regularly encounter high school students through the camps I run or as interns in my research lab. My first task is to describe the potential threats for them. I tell students that hackers and cybercriminals are constantly looking for vulnerable targets to attack and steal information from. Teenagers must keep their devices and information secure, behave appropriately on social media and shared devices, and respect others’ digital privacy on devices and online.
Here are some ways they can protect their own – and their friends’ – cybersecurity.
Passwords are the keys to your digital life. Make sure they are at least 10 characters long – including letters, numbers, and symbols to make them harder to crack.
Don’t write passwords down. Consider using a secure password manager. Also use two-factor authentication – either a physical security key or an app delivering time-based one-time passwords, like Authy or Google Authenticator.
Don’t share passwords with friends. It’s the same as giving them the keys to your house or your car – plus the power to see everything you’ve done and even impersonate you online. For the same reasons, don’t save usernames and passwords on shared computers, and always log out when you’re finished using someone else’s device.
Another key way to protect your data is to back it up regularly to an external hard drive or a cloud storage system.
The best way to protect your smartphone is to know where it is at all times. Also, set a password on it and be sure it’s set up so you can remotely wipe it if you do lose it.
Be very careful when downloading apps. Often hackers will create apps that look a lot like a genuine popular app but are instead malware that will steal your personal information.
Disable Bluetooth on your devices unless you’re actively using a Bluetooth connection. Especially in public places, it opens your phone up to being hijacked and having your data stolen.
Avoid open public Wi-Fi networks. They can easily be penetrated by hackers – or even set up and operated by data thieves – who can watch the traffic and see what you do online. Consider using a virtual private network, which encrypts everything your device transmits.
Get a camera cover for the webcam on your computer; an attacker can break into your computer and remotely activate it, watching your every move.
Don’t open emails from people you don’t know – and check the sender’s email address by hovering the mouse over it, to make sure someone’s not trying to pretend to be someone you do know. Especially, don’t download email attachments you’re not expecting to receive.
Don’t click on any links you don’t recognize. If you must follow a link, copy and paste the link URL to make sure it’s going to a legitimate site.
Video games – on consoles, desktops and mobiles – are also potential security threats. Set strong passwords to protect your accounts from other gamers.
Only download games from legitimate sites, to make sure you don’t download malware.
Just as you would with other apps and devices, be wary of people impersonating others or trying to get you to click on misleading links or download malicious attachments.
Don’t share personal information on gaming sites, or use gamertags or other profile information that could connect your gaming persona with your real life. Frustrations in games can turn into personal conflicts – with the potential to be very scary and even dangerous.
Do your part to deescalate online conflict by not taking other gamers’ actions personally.
When you’re on social media, don’t befriend people you don’t actually know in real life.
To protect your privacy and to minimize the digital footprints future colleges and employers might find, don’t post – or let friends post – embarrassing pictures of yourself or any other questionable material.
Be aware of cyberbullies and online stalkers. Limit how much you reveal about your daily routines, habits or travels. And if you ever feel uncomfortable or threatened by someone online, immediately stop communicating with that person and alert a responsible adult, like a parent, teacher or school librarian.
Professor of Information Technology Management, University at Albany, State University of New York
Original Article: The Conversation