Betrayal has implications for relationships, including acts of helping.

• Humans have evolved a strong and emotionally laden approach to responding to being betrayed or insulted in relationships.
• Betrayal has the capacity to lower one’s status in a group dramatically, and it has implications for one’s future.
• Research shows that being betrayed by someone, especially in a public manner, has far-reaching implications regarding the relationship’s future.

Source: geralt / Pixabay

So picture this:

You’re looking to make plans for the weekend, and, as such, you text one of your best friends asking if they’d like to hang out this weekend. A preliminary reply simply says that she can’t hang out because she has plans all weekend. Fair enough.

But the second reply back is definitely not exactly what you expected. This reply, which was sent to a huge group chat that includes pretty much your entire friend group, slams you hard—your “friend” wrote this: I just got a text from Tina* looking to hang out. I can’t stand hanging out with Tina! Are you free later?

The author of this misdirected text message is someone whom you’d thought was one of your very best friends for years up to this point.

A few seconds later, you can see an attempt by your “friend” to delete this message, which, it turns out, was not meant for your eyes. But it’s too late. The damage has been done.

So now picture this: Later that day, this same “friend” texts you, asking for your NetFlix password.

Now just think about this for a minute. How do you think you’d respond?

Minds Evolved for Social Connections

From an evolutionary psychological perspective, the human mind needs to be considered evolved for small-scale living. This is because the lion’s share of human evolutionary history took place when humans were all nomadic and living in small-scale social groups—groups in which everyone knew one another really well.

Further, in such groups, people were typically surrounded by many kin members (i.e., blood relatives). Under such conditions, as Nicole Wedberg and I argue in our book Positive Evolutionary Psychology,¹ humans evolved a suite of adaptations to stay closely connected to others.

Beyond just our ability to stay closely connected with kin (which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective as kin members disproportionately share our particular genetics), humans evolved to have meaningful, collaborative relationships with various non-kin members. This unique feature of our species seems rooted in reciprocal altruism, the tendency to help others with implicit expectations of help in return,² is built into the evolved fabric of our social worlds. Humans evolved to form important connections with non-kin within long-standing relationships.

But if you’re old enough to read this, you know that relationships don’t always last forever. In both familial and non-familial contexts, people have the capacity to hurt one another. And one of the saddest facts about the human experience is this: People hurt one another with regularity.

Do People Help Others Who Have Betrayed Them?

In a study conducted by myself, Michael Frederick of the psychology department at the University of Baltimore, and a suite of advanced research students at the State University of New York at New Paltz,³ we explored exactly this question. Specifically, we presented over 400 young adults (primarily from New Paltz and Baltimore) with betrayal-related scenarios (such as the text-based one presented at the start of this article).

The specific variables that we manipulated included the following:

• Whether the betrayal was major or minor
• Whether the betrayal was private or public
• Whether the betrayal was from a friend or a close family member.

The major/minor variable was manipulated by whether the betrayer wrote that they “can’t stand” hanging out with you versus whether they simply asked someone else to hang out (after lying to you and telling you that they already had plans).

The private/public issue was manipulated by whether the betraying text was ostensibly sent to just one other person or to “the whole group chat.”

Finally, the friend/family variable was manipulated by presenting the betrayer as either a friend or a family member.

All participants were randomly assigned to one level of each of the preceding variables (in other words, different participants got different versions of the betrayal).

After being asked to think about the betrayal, participants were given the following helping measure our team created for this research.

1. I would drive them to the airport.
2. I would get their mail when they’re on vacation.
3. I would buy them coffee.
4. I would pick them up if their car broke down at 3 am.
5. I would drive them to the hospital in an emergency.
6. I would help them move out of their apartment.
7. I would help them plan their birthday party.
8. I would help them with yard work.
9. I would lend them a sweater.
10. I would lend them my Netflix password.

Based on responses to these items (which were presented on a 1-7 scale), we created an overall index of intentions to help.

In terms of the three primary variables manipulated in this research, three primary findings emerged:

• Participants who received the “major” betrayal scenario were particularly less motivated to offer help to the betrayer.
• Participants who received the “public” betrayal scenario were also particularly less motivated to offer help to the betrayer.
• Participants were more likely to help a family member who had betrayed them (rather than a friend who had betrayed them)—but this particular finding emerged only in the “public” condition.

The Problem With Helping a Betrayer

In life, building strong social connections and friendships is critical to success at all levels. Our minds respond strongly and emotionally to ostracism, insult, and betrayal. From an evolutionary perspective, this fact makes sense as those of our ancestors who were regularly betrayed, insulted, and ostracized were at a reduced capacity for survival and reproduction. As such, our minds evolved strong self-preservation tendencies when responding to betrayal in small-scale, tight-knit relationships.

From a mathematical evolutionary perspective, immediately forgiving and helping someone who has betrayed you can be problematic. In another article on this topic,⁴ our research team referred to this kind of unconditional acceptance of betrayal as divine forgiveness—suggesting that, in some ways, the ability to genuinely turn a blind eye in the face of betrayal is nearly impossible for mere mortals like us. From an evolutionary perspective, we can understand why.

Our ancestors who accepted betrayal and insult from others were likely to be taken advantage of, ultimately reducing their ability to survive and reproduce effectively. For this reason, we evolved a strong and emotionally laden approach to responding to being betrayed or insulted in relationships. Unconditionally forgiving someone who has betrayed us could have adverse consequences for the future.

The Long Arm of Public Humiliation

One interesting point from our results pertains to whether a betrayal is out there in the open. When people experienced the “public betrayal” condition, they were particularly unlikely to report being willing to help the betrayer. This finding likely pertains to the fact that a public betrayal can be humiliating. Further, if you help someone who has betrayed you in a public sense, you may look like a fool, thereby opening up your future to further social transgressions and insults from others.

For this reason, public betrayal, which maps onto the deeply adverse experience of humiliation, has strong effects on the future of relationships between betrayer and victim. If you want to retain someone’s loyalty and support, betraying them publicly is pretty much the worst thing you can do.

Personality and Helping

In this study, we also asked participants to complete measures of both the Dark Triad⁴ and the Light Triad.⁵ The Dark Triad is comprised of three personality traits, including Narcissism (the tendency to overly focus on oneself), Machiavellianism (the tendency to manipulate others for one’s own gain), and Psychopathy (the tendency to not care about others’ feelings).

The Light Triad is also comprised of three traits, including Kantianism (the tendency to see others as ends unto themselves), humanism (the belief that all humans ultimately share equal value as each other), and Faith in Humanity (the belief that people are generally good).

Some of our analyses examined the degree to which these variables predicted scores on the helping variable (regardless of which experimental condition participants were in). We found some pretty reliable effects, including the fact that participants who are Machiavellian in nature are unlikely to help another. At the same time, those who score as having faith in humanity and those having overall high scores on “the Light Triad” are more likely to help another, regardless of the betrayal-related experimental conditions to which they were randomly assigned. In short, some people are just willing to help others, and some are not.

Bottom Line

The human social experience is often treacherous. People hurt each other regularly with insults, transgressions, lies, deceptions, and betrayals. This is a sad yet true fact of life.

From an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense that our minds would evolve to be highly sensitive to indicators of being betrayed. Betrayal has the capacity to lower one’s status in a group dramatically, and it can have all kinds of implications for one’s future.

The research presented here shows that being betrayed by someone—especially in a major and public manner—has far-reaching implications regarding the relationship’s future. Even minor betrayals might have devastating long-term effects when it comes to relationships.

Understanding the evolutionary psychology of betrayal can help us make decisions in our world that help to cultivate connections and trusting, loving relationships. And at the end of the day, this is essentially what the human experience is all about.

___________

*This fake name is being used as an example. There is an assumption that you, the reader, are Tina.

References

1: Geher, G. & Wedberg, N. (2020). Positive Evolutionary Psychology: Darwin’s Guide to Living a Richer Life. New York: Oxford University Press.

2: Trivers, R. (1985). Social evolution. Menlo Park, CA: Benjamin/Cummings.

3: Ruel, M.K., De’Jesús, A.R., Cristo, M. et al. Why Should I Help You? A Study of Betrayal and Helping. Curr Psychol (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s12144-022-02954-x

4: De’Jesús, A. R., Cristo, M., Ruel, M., Kruchowy, D., Geher, G., Nolan, K., Santos, A., Wojszynski, C., Alijaj, N., DeBonis, A., Elyukin, N., Huppert, S., Maurer, E., Spackman, B. C., Villegas, A., Widrick, K., & Zezula, V. (2021). Betrayal, Outrage, Guilt, and Forgiveness: The Four Horsemen of the Human Social-Emotional Experience. The Journal of the Evolutionary Studies Consortium, 9(1), 1-13.

5: Jonason, P.K., & Webster, G.D. (2010). The Dirty Dozen: A concise measure of the Dark Triad. Psychological Assessment, 22, 420-432.

6: Kaufman, S.B., Yaden, D.B., Hyde, E., & Tsukayama, E. (2019). The Light vs. Dark triad of personality: Contrasting two very different profiles of human nature. Frontiers in Psychology.

Many high school seniors across the country are in the throes of college applications – often a high-stakes, anxiety-ridden process.

But the stress doesn’t necessarily stop once students are admitted.

Emotional stress, mental health and tuition cost are the top three reasons that college students drop out, according to a 2023 Gallup poll of 14,032 students.

By most standards, there is a mental health crisis among college students. But the University of Michigan’s healthy minds survey, the country’s largest student mental health study to date, recently found that college students are reporting lower rates of depressive symptoms, anxiety and suicidal thoughts for the third year in a row.

Conducted in 2024 and 2025 and surveying more than 84,000 students across 135 American colleges and universities, the study finds that severe depression symptoms among college students dropped in the past two years to 18% – down from 23% who said they experienced severe depression in 2022. Students who have suicidal thoughts dropped from 15% in 2022 to 11% during 2024 and 2025.

I have worked in student affairs and college health for the past 25 years, leading substance abuse prevention and mental health promotion efforts, and overseeing a range of clinical services. Despite these recent optimistic findings, I’m still alarmed by the prevalence and acuity of students’ mental health concerns nationwide.

Don’t let yourself be misled. Understand issues with help from experts

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Taking a break

College students experience high levels of stress due to a confluence of factors, including academic pressures, financial concerns and complex social dynamics. Understanding the root causes of students’ stress is an important precursor for schools to come up with effective ways to help students manage their anxiety and succeed in school.

But even when schools offer extensive mental health support programs, students occasionally need to take a break to focus on their health and well-being.

Over the past 10 years, I have reviewed and approved medical withdrawals for 133 students at Babson College. From fall 2015 to early spring 2020, before the COVID-19 pandemic, an average of 12 students per year left on medical leave out of the nearly 4,000 students enrolled at the school.

The average number of students taking medical leave then increased by about two people a year from fall 2020 through 2025. Approximately 82% of these cases are mental health-related.

Roughly 70% of these students ultimately return to campus and eventually graduate. In general, very few students who take a leave of absence from school end up returning.

However, there are some schools that use proactive, nondisciplinary policies to support students taking a break to pursue more intensive treatment. These policies can provide clear treatment recommendations and instructions on what conditions students need to be met in order to return to school, resulting in a higher likelihood of the students enrolling once again.

Understanding well-being

Well-being is a word that is top of mind for many higher education leaders, yet colleges and universities do not have a single definition of what well-being means, though it is often a term schools use to talk about students’ mental health. Well-being generally encompasses acknowledging and being comfortable with your feelings, and being equipped to manage stress.

While there is movement toward embedding student mental health and well-being into the very fabric of an institution, many colleges and universities still rely on reaching students in more traditional ways – through health fairs and information tables in the student center, for example.

While these strategies certainly serve a purpose in helping to raise awareness of mental health resources, when used in isolation, they are unlikely to result in actual behavioral change among students.

Students of color, particularly Black and Latino students, are more likely than white students to temporarily withdraw from college.

One step institutions can take: Hire more faculty, staff and mental health counselors who are people of color and can better connect with minority students through shared lived experiences.

Well-being is central to students’ success

In 2007, an undergraduate student at Virginia Tech University shot and killed 32 people, and wounded 17 others, before he died by suicide.

Schools since then have adopted early alert systems – often referred to as care teams – to help identify students who are struggling, either academically, socially or emotionally. The idea is that schools can intervene and get students connected with campus resources such as academic advisers, student success coaches, accessibility services, financial aid and mental health support.

Ongoing training for faculty, staff and students on how to activate these systems of support and make referrals to a care team is critical to their success. The goal is to cast a wide net so students do not fall through the cracks and go unnoticed when they are not mentally well, which is what happened with the Virginia Tech shooter.

Dozens of campuses, including New York University, Indiana State University, the University of North Dakota, The Ohio State University and Harvard University, have also embraced mindfulness practices in recent years, offering breath work and other forms of meditation for their students as free services on campus.

Some campus police departments have also begun using therapy dogs to help support students’ mental health and bolster community engagement.

Other schools, like Stevens Institute of Technology and Princeton University, have stopped keeping labs and libraries open 24/7 as a way to encourage students to take a break and rest – though admittedly most institutions that have made these changes have done so as a result of budget cuts, and less so as a proactive, preventive measure.

Positioning students for success

I have long argued that well-being is central to academic, personal and professional success.

In recent years, I have also encouraged schools to position well-being as the key driver to student academic, personal and professional success.

Research has linked students’ well-being to them staying in school, and findings suggest that colleges can develop targeted mental health programs to improve retention rates. In other words, focusing on the health and well-being of students may, in fact, lead to better outcomes – emotionally, physically and academically.

Are you hard on yourself? Do you find that you judge your progress or pace if life? Is your inner voice telling you that you’re not “there” yet, but that you should be? If this sounds familiar, now’s the perfect moment to pause to give yourself some much-deserved compassion and loving kindness by expanding your self-awareness.

I know firsthand that the journey of life can incredibly challenging. Just when you think you’re through the rough spots and life will be easy, another challenge seems to come along. You might find yourself saying, “Hey, Universe, I’ve had my share of troubles thrown at me! Could you ease up just a bit? Please!”

The idea of self-growth can seem painfully out of reach when the rigors of daily life keep you stuck and doing your best just to survive. If this is resonating with you, if you want to move forward but just feel too exhausted, overwhelmed, and fearful, have hope. Self-awareness and joyful fulfillment wait for everyone, not just those who seem to “have it all together.” In truth, the most lasting joys in life ultimately come from the learning and growing that happen when we slow down and embrace life’s challenges. It’s the journey, the overall process, that can foster incredible joy.

5 Strategies to Boost Self-Awareness

With a few basic tips, and lots of practice, you’ll be able to foster greater self-awareness and joy in your life. As you embrace these tips, it’s essential that you shower yourself with loving compassion, indeed, self-compassion plays a huge role in the creation of lasting joy. No matter what stage of life you’re in, the following tips will help you find and embrace your authentic self that beautiful, joyful self who is waiting to be discovered and set free.

1. Set Positive Intentions Daily

Pause every morning to set a positive intention for the day. This is a vital first step, for the way you begin your morning will set the tone for the entire day. Whether you choose to set an intention for greater courage, flexibility, self-care, or compassion, allow yourself to nonjudgmentally notice the spaces in your day where you can bring this intention to life. The more you pay attention to your positive intention, the more it will take hold in your life as a whole.

2. Make Self-Care a Priority

Allow yourself a bit of self-care every day. This is a critical step, for self-care gives us the rest, psychological nourishment, and rejuvenating energy that allows us to be at our best. When you engage in self-care, you are telling yourself, “I am important. I deserve to treat myself well!”

Self-care needn’t be expensive or time-consuming, it simply needs to involve a bit of time that you have devoted to yourself to engage in something that feels nourishing, this could be time for reading, exercising, having a manicure, or playing in the garden.

3. Tune In to Your Emotions

Make friends with your emotions. As you learn to listen to your emotions, you’ll find that every emotion has a message. Sometimes we are afraid of the messages within our emotions, or simply don’t understand them, so it’s important to slow down to listen.

For example, you might be feeling angry because your partner consistently breaks dates with you. Many people are afraid to notice or feel their anger, so they push it aside or ignore it. However, this gives anger greater power, for it then festers and often turns to resentment. So, if you are feeling angry at your partner for not making your dates a priority, you might say, “I am feeling hurt and angry that you consistently break dates with me. I feel disrespected and sad when this happens. It’s important to me that you honor our dates, I deserve to be respected.” In this case, the anger clearly has a message: It hurts to feel disrespected! I want to be treated with kindness and respect.

The more you learn to make friends with your emotions, the more you honor your emotions, the more your self-awareness will grow!

4. Focus on Healthy Boundaries

Learn to notice when your boundaries feel too weak or too rigid. This is a process, so be patient with yourself. You might need to have strict boundaries with someone who tends to take advantage of you, and you might be able to have more fluid boundaries with someone who is emotionally aware and respectful.

When you feel as though your boundaries are not being respected, speak your truth with compassion. For example, if someone in your life ties you up with long, negative phone calls, you might say, “I feel really tired right now and am ready to get off the phone. I’ll be free to talk again this weekend for a half hour.” The stronger your boundaries become, the stronger you’ll feel inside.

5. Listen to Your Inner Voice

As you move forward on your journey, learn to listen to your instinct. Your inner voice knows a great deal about you and your needs. Although it might be tempting to let others make decisions for you, learn the power of taking input from others and using whatever is helpful to make your own decision. The more you take this approach, the stronger and more powerful you’ll feel.

As with all journeys, the challenges are part of the beautiful adventure. Allow your conscious self-work to unfold in its own way. Your journey to greater self-awareness is a process, embrace it every day with open arms. Trust that you have the power to move forward slowly and steadily, getting closer to the life of your dreams one step at a time.

When you’ve mastered the tips here and find yourself ready for the “next step” in your journey to self-awareness, grab a copy of my book Joy from Fear. With real-life examples, easy-to-use tools, and life-changing exercises, Joy from Fear will help you understand your relationship with fear so you can finally embrace it and live a life filled with freedom and lasting happiness.

Love is supposed to feel safe.

Not perfect. Not effortless. But safe.

So why do some relationships leave you feeling anxious, emotionally drained, obsessed, and somehow unable to walk away—even when you know deep down something isn’t right?

If this feels familiar, you’re not alone.

Sometimes what feels like “can’t-live-without-you” love is actually something much more painful: trauma bonding.

Trauma bonds can form when cycles of emotional pain are mixed with moments of affection, relief, or validation. The emotional highs feel intoxicating. The lows feel devastating. And over time, your nervous system can begin to confuse chaos with connection.

The good news? Awareness is where healing begins.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment that can develop in unhealthy or abusive relationships through repeated cycles of distress followed by intermittent comfort or affection. This pattern can reinforce attachment in ways that feel difficult to break. The concept is widely discussed in trauma and abuse recovery contexts, though individual experiences vary.

If you’ve ever found yourself asking:

• Why do I miss someone who hurt me?
• Why can’t I just let go?
• Why do I keep hoping they’ll change?

…this may help explain why.

---

1. You Keep Romanticizing the “Good Version” of Them

You replay to the sweet texts.

The apology.

That weekend, everything felt magical.

The version of them who almost became who you needed.

But healing often starts when we separate potential from reality.

A few beautiful moments don’t erase consistent emotional harm.

Reminder: Missing who someone could have been is not the same as missing who they actually were.

---

2. Calm Feels Strange… But Chaos Feels Familiar

Healthy relationships can feel unfamiliar if your nervous system has adapted to emotional unpredictability.

If you’ve spent weeks, months, or years in cycles of stress, conflict, silence, reconciliation, and emotional intensity, peace may feel unsettling—not because it’s wrong, but because it’s unfamiliar.

Chronic stress can affect how the brain and body respond to relationships over time.

---

3. You Blame Yourself for Their Behavior

You tell yourself:

• Maybe I overreacted.
• Maybe I should’ve communicated better.
• Maybe I pushed them away.

Self-reflection can be healthy.

Self-blame that excuses harmful behavior is not.

No one deserves manipulation, cruelty, emotional withholding, or repeated disrespect.

---

4. Leaving Feels Like Withdrawal

Ending unhealthy attachment can feel physically and emotionally intense:

• Racing thoughts
• Anxiety
• Difficulty sleeping
• Constant urge to check your phone
• Deep sadness
• Emotional cravings for contact

That doesn’t mean the relationship was healthy.

It means attachment patterns can be powerful.

The National Institute of Mental Health explains how anxiety and stress can create significant emotional and physical symptoms.

---

5. They Hurt You… Then Become the Person Who Comforts You

This pattern can be incredibly confusing.

Pain.

Distance.

Cruel words.

Then affection.

Apologies.

Reassurance.

Your brain learns to seek relief from the same source creating the pain.

That cycle can strengthen unhealthy attachment.

---

6. You Hide the Relationship From People Who Care About You

If you constantly soften the story when friends ask how things are going…

If you leave out important details…

If you already know what loved ones would say…

That matters.

Sometimes, part of us recognizes what we’re not ready to fully admit.

A trusted outside perspective can be grounding.

---

7. You Confuse Intensity With Love

Butterflies.

Adrenaline.

Emotional highs.

Urgency.

Obsessive thinking.

Intensity can feel like passion.

But healthy love is usually built on consistency, trust, emotional safety, and respect—not chronic instability.

Love should not regularly leave you emotionally depleted.

---

8. You Keep Waiting for Closure

“If they would just explain…”

“If I could get one honest conversation…”

“If they finally understood how much they hurt me…”

Closure can feel like the missing piece.

But sometimes healing begins when we stop waiting for someone else to give us what only we can begin creating for ourselves: acceptance, boundaries, and emotional clarity.

---

9. Your Mental Health Feels Worse, Not Better

Ask yourself:

Do I feel more peaceful in this relationship?

Or more anxious?

More secure?

Or more confused?

Relationships affect emotional well-being.

If connection repeatedly leaves you feeling emotionally smaller, chronically stressed, isolated, or dysregulated, that deserves attention.

If you need support, the National Alliance on Mental Illness offers education and resources.

---

10. Part of You Already Knows Something Isn’t Right

This may be the hardest truth.

Many people recognize the pain long before they feel ready to leave.

That doesn’t mean you’re weak.

It means attachment, fear, hope, grief, and nervous system conditioning are complex.

Healing is rarely a single dramatic moment.

Sometimes it begins with one quiet thought:

“I deserve peace.”

---

How to Start Breaking Free

Healing doesn’t happen through shame.

It happens through compassion.

A few gentle first steps:

Reconnect With Reality

Write down patterns—not promises.

Look at actions over time.

Limit the Emotional Loop

Constant checking, rereading messages, and revisiting conversations can intensify attachment.

Reach Out for Support

Trusted friends, trauma-informed support groups, or mental health professionals can help.

Learn About Trauma Responses

Understanding your nervous system can reduce self-blame.

Focus on Self-Reconnection

Healing is not only about leaving pain behind.

It’s about rebuilding a connection with yourself.

If you’re looking for emotional wellness resources, guided self-help tools, and recovery support, visit Fitness Hacks for Life’s resources hub: Fitness Hacks for Life Resources

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Final Thoughts

If this resonated deeply, please hear this:

You are not “too attached.”

You are not irrational.

You are not failing.

Sometimes the patterns that kept us emotionally attached were built in pain—not love.

And patterns can change.

Healing begins one honest moment at a time.

---

Sources

• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): NIMH Anxiety Disorders
• National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): NAMI Mental Health Resources
• Cleveland Clinic overview of trauma bonding: Cleveland Clinic Trauma Bonding Guide

Recognizing narcissistic behavior can help you understand unhealthy relationship patterns and protect your emotional well-being. Narcissism often involves excessive self-importance, manipulation, and a lack of empathy toward others. In severe cases, these traits may be part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a recognized mental health condition.

According to medical research, NPD is characterized by patterns of grandiosity, a constant need for admiration, and difficulty understanding the feelings of others. (Mayo Clinic; Cleveland Clinic).

While not everyone who shows narcissistic traits has a personality disorder, repeated behaviors can create emotionally harmful relationships.

1. A Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

Narcissists often exaggerate their achievements and believe they are more important than others.

2. Constant Need for Admiration

They seek continuous praise and validation.

3. Lack of Empathy

A major red flag is difficulty recognizing or caring about others’ feelings.

4. Manipulative Behavior

They may manipulate situations or people to maintain control.

5. Gaslighting

Gaslighting occurs when someone makes you question your memories or perception of events.

6. Strong Sense of Entitlement

Narcissistic individuals may expect special treatment or privileges.

7. Exploiting Others

They may take advantage of others to achieve personal goals.

8. Difficulty Accepting Criticism

Even mild feedback can trigger anger or defensiveness.

9. Arrogant or Condescending Attitude

They may look down on others or behave in a superior manner.

10. Envy of Others

Narcissists may feel jealous of others’ success or believe others envy them.

11. Blaming Others

They rarely take responsibility for mistakes.

12. Love Bombing

At the beginning of relationships, narcissists may overwhelm partners with attention or affection.

13. Emotional Manipulation

They may use guilt, shame, or intimidation to influence others.

14. Lack of Accountability

Apologies may be rare or insincere.

15. Controlling Behavior

They may attempt to control decisions, relationships, or social interactions.

16. Extreme Sensitivity to Rejection

Perceived criticism may trigger anger or hostility.

17. Superficial Charm

Many narcissists appear charismatic initially but reveal manipulative tendencies later.

18. Constant Competition

They frequently compare themselves to others.

19. Difficulty Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Over time, narcissistic behaviors damage trust and emotional connection.

20. Emotional Exhaustion for Others

People close to narcissists often report feeling drained or confused.

These red flags have been widely discussed in relationship awareness resources and psychological research.

Psychology Today. Cleaveland Clinic

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What all detours to total-jerkdom have in common.

KEY POINTS:

• DSM-like rubrics are useful for categorizing “dark” personalities but do little to explain them.
• People detour into total jerkdom by way of many paths, some of them opposites — for example, being dominant or oppressed.
• Total jerks take the path of most insistence because it’s the path of least resistance.

For diagnostic purposes, it’s enough to have DSM-like rubrics for categorizing difficult people: If a subject has X number of these descriptive traits, it’s fair to describe them as having this or that condition.

For greater diagnostic accuracy, we can expand the rubrics and descriptions. There’s psychopath, narcissist, gaslighter. There are the dark triad traits and now a five-trait characterization: callousness, deceitfulness, narcissistic entitlement, sadism, and vindictiveness.

But science isn’t just description; it’s also explanation.

The Path to Becoming A Jerk

How then does someone become a total jerk? Alas, by many paths, many of them opposites — unfortunate genetics or bad parenting, too much or little of this or that bio-chemical. One can become a cynical con artist or a gullible dupe. One can end up with so much power they can get away with being a total jerk or so little power they have nothing to lose by being one.

Biography (etiology) aside, is there something all paths have in common, some integrated explanation for how people detour into total jerkdom? I suspect there is.

Being a total jerk is a human thing, a path of least resistance made both useful and possible by symbol-fluency — in other words, the human capacity for language. We humans have something beyond the responsiveness evident in all organisms and the feelings evident in all animals.

All organisms interact selectively with their circumstances, for example, consuming food, not poison; water, not bleach. All organisms let some stuff in and keep other stuff out. It’s obvious why they must:

Organisms aren’t durable objects. We’re fragile and must struggle for our persistence, not just reproducing offspring but regenerating ourselves in real-time, fast enough to outpace the aging, crippling degeneration that eats away at us 24/7.

Self-regeneration takes work. Work takes energy. But energy currents are just what degenerate us.

So we all have to let in the right, not the wrong energy currents. To be well-adapted means being good at just that. An organism that interacts with the wrong energy currents degenerates and dies.

Most organisms selectively interact without feeling or thinking about it. Animals selectively interact by feel, a “yum” vs. “yuk” response — absorbing what feels good and avoiding what feels bad.

With language, we humans selectively interact by means of concepts too. We can conceive of all sorts of possibilities — so many that we’re easily overwhelmed. We can imagine all sorts of real and imaginary threats and missed opportunities. We can foresee our own deaths in ways no other organism can.

Given language, we’re an exceptionally anxious species. A rat is anxious, but only about a few threats. We humans are exposed to so many possibilities, it’s like we’re trudging through an erosive sandstorm of discouraging conceptual possibilities, dread, and FOMO. Compared to human life, a rat race would be a vacation.

With language, we can also generate concepts by which to avoid other concepts. We can engage in threat displacement, worrying about imaginary threats so we don’t have to think about real ones.

Selective interaction in the conceptual, language-fueled realm manifests as confirmation bias, interacting with what encourages us, not with what discourages us.

Confirmation bias is a problem that most of us recognize we must manage. There’s a taboo against saying no to every bit of disappointing news. Scientists, heavily biased against confirmation bias, have become our role models. We learn to bite our tongues rather than spitting out criticism. We learn to apologize when we lash out impulsively against discouragement.

In contrast, for total jerks, confirmation bias becomes the answer to all problems.

It’s easy. To become a total jerk, just double down and out-escalate in every confrontation. Never concede anything, never apologize or compromise. Become shameless and when challenged, be shameless about your shamelessness. Insist that you’re being consistent by declaring yourself rational, more scientific than scientists, even while engaging in reckless hypocrisy. Have proud blind faith in yourself and when challenged on that, have proud blind faith in your proud, blind faith.

To become a total jerk, you’ll make sacrifices but they’re all worth the advantages gained. Conscience, heart, and mind, caring about the meaning of what you say — all of that must go, but that’s a small price to pay for giving yourself and others the impression of having an uninterrupted winning streak.

Taking the total-jerk detour of least resistance, you become challenge-proof, invincible, and incorrigible — literally un-correctible. You feel like a god which is much easier than being human. You can do anything you want and whatever you do is always the best.

Since winning is relative to losing, the total jerk just has to master some techniques for deflecting and discrediting all challenges to their authority. It’s not difficult: Credit all good to yourself, discredit all bad to your rivals.

There are many familiar cliches by which you can pose as the judge presiding over all arguments you enter. Just parrot the cliches. Conscientious people will mistake you for meaning and caring about what you’re saying and will tend to back down.

Externalize all doubt: Make others doubt themselves so you don’t have to doubt yourself.

Pose as the authority. Decent, civilized people trying to connect with you will give up on trying to beat you. Some will join you.

Abandon give-and-take for take-and-take as though you’re on some holy war mission, that makes you holy enough that it’s your dirty duty to defeat everyone in your way.

And what for? What’s your grand cause? Though you may brandish a cause as though it’s so important, it trumps all other concerns, that’s just for show. You don’t have a cause other than keeping yourself invincible.

That’s what it’s like to detour into total jerkdom and it’s good to try to imagine how you too could slide because it’s an option tempting to any of us if we can get away with it.

Total jerks are parrotsites, parasites by parroting whatever clears for them a path of least resistance to wherever they want to go. They’re bullsh*tdozers, bulldozing through everything in their path by means of BS — not caring what’s true, only what’s useful for getting their way.

These days, the sandstorm of possibilities only grows: There’s so much world to worry about, and so many new cliches by which to deflect them.

There’s a lot of talk about how to have difficult conversations with people who have different values from yours. Total jerks don’t really have values.

There’s not enough about how to close the total jerk path of least resistance, how to make it cost a total jerk to indulge in their easy way out.

It’s easier to play God than be human, unless we figure out how to make it harder.

Here’s a four-minute video on what all total jerks have in common.

And here’s my new podcast on psychoproctology: Ahole diagnosis,

Jeremy E. Sherman Ph.D., MPP

Original Article

If you have ever thought, “Why can’t I just get it together?” you are not alone. Anxiety and depression both mess with your energy, motivation, sleep, focus, and even your body – and when you are in the middle of it, the labels can feel less helpful than the actual day-to-day struggle.

This article is a practical, human-first way to sort through what you are noticing. It is not a diagnosis. It is a way to name patterns so you can choose your next step with a little more confidence and a lot less self-blame.

Why anxiety and depression can feel so similar

Anxiety and depression share a lot of “surface symptoms” because they both affect the nervous system, stress hormones, sleep architecture, and attention. When your brain is scanning for danger (anxiety) or conserving energy because it feels overwhelmed (depression), the result can look identical from the outside: you cancel plans, you can’t focus, you feel exhausted, and your body hurts.

The difference is often the direction of the internal pull. Anxiety tends to push you into what-if thinking and physiological activation. Depression tends to pull you into shutdown, low drive, and a sense that effort will not matter. But many people experience both at the same time, which is why the most useful approach is not “either-or,” but “what is most true for me this week?”

Anxiety vs depression symptoms checklist (use this gently)

Read each section and notice what fits most days for at least two weeks. You do not need to match every point. A few strong matches can still be meaningful.

Anxiety symptoms that often lead the story

With anxiety, your mind and body act like the alarm system is too sensitive. Sometimes there is a clear trigger. Sometimes your body hits the gas before your mind knows why.

Anxiety commonly shows up as persistent worry that feels difficult to control, racing thoughts, or mental looping that keeps revisiting the same fears. You might feel restless, on edge, keyed up, or unusually irritable. Concentration can be tricky because attention keeps snapping back to potential problems.

Your body may also speak loudly. Many people notice a tight chest, stomach issues, nausea, muscle tension, trembling, sweating, headaches, or a pounding heart. Sleep may be disrupted because you cannot “turn off” at night, or you wake early with immediate worry.

Behaviorally, anxiety can drive avoidance (not doing the thing because it feels unsafe) or overpreparing (doing everything perfectly to prevent a bad outcome). Either one can shrink your life over time.

Depression symptoms that often lead the story

Depression is not just sadness. For many people it is a drop in emotional range and a steep increase in effort – even simple tasks feel heavy.

Depression commonly shows up as low mood or emptiness most of the day, or a noticeable loss of interest in things that used to matter. You might feel slowed down, foggy, or like your brain is wading through mud. Motivation can tank, and it may feel like you are watching yourself from the outside, unable to initiate.

Sleep can go in either direction. Some people cannot sleep. Others sleep more but still feel tired. Appetite can decrease or increase, and weight can change without trying. Energy often stays low even after rest.

Emotionally, depression can bring guilt, worthlessness, or a harsh inner narrator that interprets everything as personal failure. You might withdraw socially because it feels pointless or because you do not want to be a burden.

Overlap symptoms (where most people get confused)

This is the tricky middle. Both anxiety and depression can cause fatigue, sleep problems, irritability, difficulty concentrating, reduced socializing, and physical aches. That overlap is why “just tell me which one I have” rarely works without context.

A useful question is: when you picture doing something – making a call, going to the gym, answering an email – what stops you?

If it is anxiety, the block is often fear-based: “What if I mess up?” “What if something goes wrong?” The nervous system predicts danger.

If it is depression, the block is often energy-and-meaning based: “What is the point?” “I don’t have it in me.” The nervous system predicts exhaustion or futility.

And if both are present, you may feel a painful combo: your mind is loud and worried, but your body is heavy and unmotivated.

A few “tell” questions that sharpen the picture

Instead of trying to diagnose yourself, try tracking these patterns for a week.

What happens to your body first?

With anxiety, the body often activates first – tightness, rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing – and the mind scrambles to explain it. With depression, the body often feels slowed, drained, or weighed down, and the mind follows with hopeless interpretations.

Are you avoiding because you feel unsafe or because you feel empty?

Avoidance in anxiety is usually about threat reduction. Avoidance in depression is often about conserving limited energy or withdrawing because pleasure feels unavailable.

Do you feel relief after you cancel plans?

Anxiety often brings short-term relief after avoiding something, followed by regret later. Depression may bring numbness or nothing at all – cancellation does not even feel like a choice, just the only option.

Is your inner voice loud or flat?

Anxiety tends to amplify urgency: “Fix this now.” Depression tends to flatten possibility: “Nothing will change.” Either voice can be brutal, but they push you in different directions.

When it might be both (and why that matters)

It is common to have what clinicians call “mixed” symptoms. Chronic anxiety can exhaust you until it starts to look like depression. Depression can create anxiety as you fall behind on life tasks and start fearing consequences. Trauma can also blur the lines, because the nervous system may alternate between hypervigilance and shutdown.

If you suspect both, that is not “worse,” it is just a clearer map. It means you may need support that addresses both activation (calming the body) and withdrawal (rebuilding motivation and connection).

Practical next steps you can try this week

Small steps matter because your nervous system learns through repetition, not lectures. Think of these as “training sessions” for emotional fitness.

If anxiety is dominant: reduce alarm, increase trust

Start with your body. Try two minutes of slower breathing where the exhale is longer than the inhale. Pair it with a simple grounding action: feet on the floor, shoulders down, unclench your jaw. Then choose one tiny exposure – a baby step toward what you have been avoiding – and do it imperfectly on purpose. Anxiety softens when your brain learns, “I can handle this.”

Caffeine and doom-scrolling can pour gasoline on anxiety. If you are stuck in high gear, experiment with reducing stimulants and creating a short “buffer zone” before bed: dim lights, no news, no intense workouts late at night.

If depression is dominant: build momentum before motivation

Depression often requires action first, feelings later. Choose one small, concrete task that takes under five minutes: take a shower, step outside for daylight, drink water, or put one song on and stretch. The goal is not a life overhaul. The goal is to prove to your brain that movement is still possible.

If exercise feels impossible, lower the bar. A 10-minute walk counts. So does gentle mobility on the living room floor. Physical activity can help regulate mood, but it should feel supportive, not punishing.

If both are present: alternate calming and activation

A helpful rhythm is: calm the body, then take one action. For example, do one minute of breathing, then send one email. Or do a short grounding exercise, then walk to the mailbox. When anxiety and depression team up, you are rebuilding both safety and energy.

When to get extra support (and when it is urgent)

If symptoms are persistent, worsening, or interfering with work, relationships, sleep, or basic self-care, it is a strong sign to seek professional support. You deserve help before you hit a breaking point.

If you are having thoughts of harming yourself, feeling like you cannot stay safe, or making plans to end your life, treat that as urgent. Call or text 988 in the US for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or go to the nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

If you want structured support that bridges self-help and professional care, Fitness Hacks for Life also points people toward resources and next-step options at https://fitnesshacksforlife.org/.

A closing thought to carry with you

Whether it is anxiety, depression, or a mix, your symptoms are not a character flaw – they are signals. You do not have to solve your whole life this week. Pick one small action that supports your nervous system today, and let that be enough to start changing the pattern.

“Need more than a journal? Theraconnect matches you with therapists who specialize in exactly this →”

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A simple method of cooling your emotional temperature.

• Failure to suppress anger can compromise interpersonal relationships, even within families.
• Physical disposal of written angry feelings can help neutralize anger.
• Retaining written feelings of anger may not reduce negative emotion.

When conversation gets heated, sometimes tempers flare. Whether rhetoric turns controversial, antagonistic, or critical, people can become resentful and defensive. Some people are offended not during a conversation, but upon learning after the fact what someone else said about them. Yet because adversity is unfortunately a part of life, the question becomes not how to avoid it, but how to deal with the feelings. The key to managing anger may be as simple as “disposing” of it. Research explains.

Source: kinkate/Pixabay

Reducing Anger to Avoid Reacting

Many people describe themselves as level-headed or mild-mannered. That is, until provoked. From the classroom to the boardroom to your living room, disagreements happen. The key is knowing how to avoid acting on emotion.

Yuta Kanaya and Nobuyuki Kawai (2024) explored methods of eliminating anger stemming from provocation.[i] They began by acknowledging the importance of suppressing anger in day-to-day living, because as everyone is aware, failure to do so can compromise interpersonal relationships, even within families. They note that failure to reduce anger can lead to rumination where someone repeatedly thinks about a provocative event. They note that such self-immersed, experiential rumination can cause someone to relive past provocation, thereby maintaining or increasing subjective feelings of anger as well as associated vascular responses.

Against a backdrop of research examining effective strategies of neutralizing or suppressing anger, Kanaya and Kawai found that physical disposal of a piece of paper that contains a person’s written feelings about the cause of a provocative event neutralizes feelings of anger, while merely holding the paper containing the written feelings did not.

Kanaya and Kawai had study participants author brief opinions about social issues, after which they each received a handwritten, insulting comment that contained a negative evaluation of their composition. Participants then wrote down the cause as well as their thoughts and feelings about the provocative event. Kanaya and Kawai then had half of the participants (referred to as the disposal group) throw away the paper in a trash can or shredder, while the other half of participants retained the file on their desk. They found that while all participants experienced an increased feeling of anger after receiving the insulting feedback, the subjective level of anger for the disposal group decreased down to the baseline period, while the retention group remained higher than baseline. Apparently, as demonstrated by Kanaya and Kawai, disposing of a tangible memorialization of the experience of anger can also dispose of the negative sentiment. They described their method as a powerful yet simple way to eliminate anger.

Kanaya and Kawai conclude that their study showcases a convenient new strategy for eliminating subjective anger, offering a cost-effective method of eliminating anger in a variety of situations, including everything from childcare to business meetings, as well as clinical applications. From managing daily stressors to engaging in behavioral therapies, this method can be useful and successful in helping people suppress anger, which will benefit personal emotional health as well as interpersonal relationships.

References

[i] Kanaya, Yuta, and Nobuyuki Kawai. “Anger Is Eliminated with the Disposal of a Paper Written Because of Provocation.” Scientific Reports [London], vol. 14, no. 1, no. 7490, April 2024,

About the Author

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.

Online:

 wendypatrickphd.com, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram