Is this relationship normal? ”You have been having this cramping feeling in your guts, telling you if this constant criticism and fights are stealing your joy, and peace. “Am I overreacting?” – Maybe, or maybe not…

Leaving a toxic relationship is not just a struggle with your partner but also within yourself with all the doubt you have put through. If you have recognized all the signs of your relationship As TOXIC then it is a brave step to set yourself to be free.

But this process is not just like “getting up and leaving”, You have to carefully understand your situation. Therefore, this guide will work as your strategy or a roadmap to plan your journey to emotional healing and both physical and mental security.

BUT first, Recognize: Am I having a Toxic Relation?

It is crucial to accept your feelings before exiting. There are a few behaviors in the toxic partner that you need to understand first to recognize the reality of this relationship:

• Dismissing Emotional support and Criticism: Whether you are struggling or accomplishing your personal goal, there is always nagging, and jealousy coming from your partner. You struggle and efforts are always dismissed or criticized. It’s like you are always walking on eggshells.
• Manipulation: Love is a feeling used towards manipulation, “If you love me, prove it by doing this….” They use your feelings and guilt to get what they want. Honesty is out of the question!
• Control and Isolation: Your partners always control what you do, how you spend your money, how you dress and everything should be according to them. This kind of control isolates you from family and friends too.
• Disrespect: They always disrespect you and your opinion without considering your feelings. They overstep personal boundaries.
• Emotional Drainage: You feel consistently exhausted. You start losing your worth in your own eyes which will be further followed by insecurities.

If this is what you are facing, then Reality is hit hard. Acceptance might seem impossible. Since you have recognized these patterns, you will build up your courage silently to leave too.

Phase#1: Silent Preparation:

1. Convince yourself first: Make a list why you want to end this relationship and why you need to leave. This list will help you when doubts creep in. You can visit a mental health professional too.
2. Physical safety: If your partner is aggressive, or he might hurt you physically when you are leaving then seek professional help. Always have a plan which includes where to stay, who to call, who’s protection to seek etc.
3. Start building a support system: Group of friends and family who you can trust emotionally. These confidants will also help in communication with the partner in future, if needed.
4. Secure a safe place: If you are leaving, where are you going to stay? Safety should be your first priority.
5. Prepare a bag: A go-to bag with all your essentials like clothes, shoes or personal items.

Phase#2: Independence Plan:

6. Be Financial Independent: Make your own savings account. Try to be financially independent as soon as possible. Save up enough to get you through at least 4 to 6 months.
7. Secure digital life: Change passwords on all existing accounts like banking accounts, and social media accounts. Ensure they are hard to guess.
8. Secure your Documents: Gather your important documents (ID, social security card, passports, drivers’ license birth certificates), financial documents (bank statement, cheque books, insurance) and any property papers. Make a copy and keep them safe outside of the house with a confidant or deposit book.
9. Seek legal help: If you are married, have kids or have joint possessions, then it’s better to keep the legal advisor in the loop here too.

Phase#3: The EXIT

10. Where to have the conversation: Choose a public place. The less private the better. If you can’t bring yourself to tell them face to face, it’s ok to leave a message, letter or tell them on a phone call. Your safety is the first priority.
11. Check the mood: If they are angry or drunk, it’s not the right time. Do rush yourself too.
12. Deliver the Decision clearly: State your decision firmly like its a fact. For example, “I am ending this relationship!”
13. Avoid further conversation: You do not need to engage in any debate or explain yourself. For example, “I can stay in this relationship with you. It’s my decision.”They will try to play victim but do not apologize or brief your reasons.
14. Have support: Have a person on standby when you end the conversation. It can be a friend in the car or a family member on the phone.

Phase#4: The Aftermath

15. No-Contact: Block them from literally everything. They will try to pull you back by apologizing, begging to by playing a victim but you do not have to hear anything from them.
16. Exchange of things: If you want to exchange or return anything, it should always be through a friend or family. If in-person then have an escort, even from the police if needed.

Phase#5: Healing

17. Seek Emotional support: Surround yourself with the people who really care about you often. You can seek help from a therapist or counselor too.
18. Redirect to Selfcare: Have a routine, focus on sleep, your diet. Get yourself engage into activities that bring you joy and peace. Try something you wanted to do but can’t because of the relationship.
19. Give yourself sometime: Don’t be so hard on yourself. You will feel lost, sad or guilty but it’s ok. You deserve to be loved, invest in yourself. Acceptance might be hard but it is not impossible. Only you can bring yourself out of this trauma just by accepting to end this relationship.

At one point in time or another, we’ve all encountered or exhibited signs of manipulation—it’s an inherent aspect of human interactions to some extent. Recall a young child feigning tears or gazing at you with hopeful eyes when they desire something. However, as we mature, these manipulative behaviours morph into less adorable forms such as deceit, ultimatums, or other tactics aimed at controlling or influencing others to achieve certain outcomes. Recognizing these manipulative behaviours is essential to addressing them and establishing healthy boundaries for oneself and others.

Manipulation can be defined as a tactic where one individual attempts to sway another’s emotions to achieve a specific reaction or result, notes Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, therapist and Chief Medical Officer at LifeStance Health. While the definition may seem simple, the manifestations of manipulative behaviour can be veiled as various interpersonal dynamics. Generally, manipulation is at play when one feels devoid of autonomy, choice, or the ‘license’ to set boundaries, states psychotherapist and psychoanalyst Babita Spinelli, LP.

To help identify manipulation in real-life scenarios, we reached out to mental health professionals to shed light on some seemingly innocuous actions that are red flags. Here are five common yet subtle manipulative behaviours to be vigilant about:

Gaslighting

Originating from the 1938 play, Gas Light, and its subsequent 1944 film adaptation, Gaslight, the term ‘gaslighting‘ has become synonymous with a form of manipulation where the manipulator causes the victim to doubt their reality. Sadly, this form of manipulation remains prevalent today, particularly in toxic relationships, says Spinelli. Confronting gaslighters with phrases like “We remember things differently” or “I am not interested in debating what happened with you” can be a way to address this behaviour.

The Silent Treatment

Here, the manipulator shuns communication with the other party, sometimes to assert control. While they may be genuinely upset, the silence is used as a tool of power, making the victim feel they’ve committed an unforgivable act, explains mental health counsellor Leon Garber, LHMC. Digital silence, like intentionally ignoring texts or emails to elicit anxiety or maintain control, is also a manipulative tactic, adds Spinelli.

Guilt Tripping

Guilt tripping is aimed at making someone feel remorseful or embarrassed to sway their behaviour. It often involves reminding others of personal sacrifices made for them or evoking guilt over attributes the manipulator lacks, states Garber. Recognizing and addressing guilt tripping when it occurs is crucial for maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships.

Flattery

While compliments are generally well-received, excessive or insincere flattery is a manipulative tactic. It often includes exaggeration to gain favour or maintain closeness, rather than fostering genuine connection, explains Garber. Being aware of and addressing insincere flattery when it occurs can help maintain authentic relationships.

Love Bombing

Excessive expressions of love, especially in a budding relationship, can be a form of manipulation with the strategic intent to quickly entangle someone emotionally, explains Spinelli. Love bombing can also reoccur in relationships, particularly after a hurtful incident, as a way to seek forgiveness without addressing the underlying issue. Recognizing love bombing early on can help prevent long-term emotional distress.

Conclusion

Remember, if a loved one’s actions are causing mental or physical distress, consulting a professional is advisable. Your well-being should never be a subject of negotiation. It’s important to stay informed and take proactive steps to maintain healthy relationships.

“Alison,

I met a spectacular woman a few months ago. But then began her impulsivity, changeable moods and rage outbursts against me. She seems highly functioning but doesn’t have self-control. Why am I attracted to people who are like that?”

The Excitement of Impulsivity

Impulsive people respond to their feelings without giving them much thought. They often express and respond to their emotions fervently and without fear of consequences. They tend to lack a filter or inner critic, which can result in their being exuberant, spontaneous as well as hotheaded.

Spontaneity and exuberance can be exciting and appealing. When two people are first attracted to each other, there are a lot of positive emotions, and someone who expresses desire and excitement impetuously can be quite seductive and exhilarating to be with.

The Fantasy in New Relationships

When two people first become captivated with one another whether as friends or potential lovers, there is always a bit of projection going on. They don’t really know each other, so they fill in the blanks by projecting their hopes and fantasies onto the other person.

Yet no one can really fulfill the expectations of another person. Eventually, reality sets in and that reality will conflict with some of the fantasies each has had about the other. When they find out that their expectations are inaccurate, they may be disappointed and even blame the other person for failing to fulfill their fantasy. Disappointment and blame can trigger negative projections, furthering negative emotions and behavior in both people.

People who lack impulse control tend to follow their emotions, while ignoring reason based on experience. They allow themselves to get carried away by their projections when they are infatuated with someone. They also experience disappointment in an exaggerated way without tempering their negative emotions with rational thought and restraint. When they express their negative emotions without a filter, they may become volatile, hostile and explosive.

How to Avoid Getting Hurt by Volatile People

Develop your own self-control to avoid falling for someone too quickly. The word “falling” is appropriate here. It implies letting go of reason and caution while giving up any grounding in reality. This “letting go” or “falling” into your fantasy feels thrilling and intoxicating, but when you finally hit the ground, it can hurt.

So it helps to take your time before getting deeply involved with someone you’re attracted to. Take your time to get to know their true nature, qualities and character. By avoiding becoming emotionally enmeshed too quickly, i.e., by calling or seeing them everyday, you can retain some objectivity.

While it’s fine to enjoy people who are impulsive and exciting, know that such qualities can lead to moodiness, controlling behavior, dependency, manipulation, volatility and rage. Thus, make sure you remain independent and grounded on your own terms when engaging with impulsive people. Also try to avoid being controlling, possessive, overly impulsive, dependent, or manipulative yourself. None of these qualities bode well in the pursuit of a long-term relationship.

You can still enjoy the excitement of being captivated by or infatuated with a new person. But keep your eyes open and your reason intact to be able to stay connected to reality.

If you’re looking for support beyond physical fitness, learn how to find a qualified therapist who can assist you with mental health and emotional well-being.

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Ever wonder about the phrases that narcissistic folks, sociopaths, and psychopaths use? How do you handle them?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where someone’s reality is twisted so much that it creates major confusion. It often happens in abusive relationships. When a narcissist puts you on blast, they tend to start wild arguments that question your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. This gaslighting tactic wears you down to the point where you struggle to defend yourself. Instead of finding a healthy way to distance yourself from these toxic individuals, your attempts to feel validated and sure about what you went through get derailed.

Gaslighting can show up in different ways, like making you doubt your own mental health or questioning your life experiences. The worst offenders are those narcissistic types who use this tactic to mess with how you see things and dodge any responsibility for their behavior. These abusers can be really cruel and sadistic with what they do, showing little to no empathy or guilt as they secretly torment or provoke you.

Gaslighting by Tribe and Narcissism

People who gaslight others may have what’s called narcissistic personality disorder.

Those with narcissistic personality disorder think they’re super important and usually don’t care about others unless it serves their own needs. They lack empathy and just don’t get how another person is feeling or what they’re going through.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder might:

1. Have an inflated sense of their own significance
2. Blow their achievements out of proportion
3. React with anger when criticized
4. Use others to get what they want
5. Expect special treatment
6. Be overly critical of others
7. Get jealous or envious pretty easily

How to Deal with Gaslighting?

If you want to fight back against gaslighting, it’s crucial to stay in touch with your own reality and avoid getting stuck in a cycle of doubt. You should be able to spot the red flags of manipulative narcissists so you can exit tricky convos before they turn into accusations, blame, or just plain yelling, which will only leave you feeling more confused about yourself.

Building your self-worth and confidence can help you stay grounded in what you really feel about how someone treats you, rather than getting caught up in trying to explain yourself to a manipulative person with their own agenda.

Taking space from your abuser is super important. Make sure you keep track of what happens as it truly occurs instead of how your abuser says it went down. Save texts, voicemails, emails, and any recordings that can help you remember the truth if you ever feel foggy, rather than getting swept up in the lies from the person hurting you.

Don’t hesitate to reach out for outside help, like a trauma therapist, to talk through the abuse you’ve experienced. Smart narcissists might try to change your reality, but you don’t have to let them. Document everything.

If you’re looking for support beyond physical fitness, learn how to find a qualified therapist who can assist you with mental health and emotional well-being.

The term “toxic relationship” is widely used, but what does it actually mean? It goes far beyond occasional disagreements or arguments; it refers to a relationship—romantic, familial, or platonic—that consistently drains your energy, undermines your self-worth, and ultimately causes more distress than happiness.

Toxic relationships are characterized by a profound lack of mutual respect and reciprocity, often leaving one or both partners feeling unsupported, misunderstood, and attacked.

What is the Definitive Toxic Relationship Meaning?

A toxic relationship is any relationship where the behavior of one or both individuals is harmful (emotionally, and sometimes physically) to the other. It is a persistent pattern of dysfunctional interactions that negatively impacts the well-being and mental health of the people involved.

In healthy relationships, partners build each other up; in a toxic dynamic, partners tear each other down. The core indicator is simple: Do you feel consistently worse, smaller, or more anxious after interacting with this person?

5 Clear Signs You Are In a Toxic Relationship

While toxicity manifests in various ways, there are five universal behaviors that flag a destructive dynamic.

1. Lack of Support, Constant Competition

In a healthy partnership, your success is your partner’s joy. In a toxic relationship, your achievements are met with indifference, dismissiveness, or even sabotage.

• The Sign: Instead of celebrating you, they minimize your accomplishments or immediately turn the conversation back to themselves. They may actively compete with you, making your dreams feel like a threat to their own standing.

2. Unwelcomed Manipulation and Control

Control is a central pillar of toxicity. This often appears subtly, masked as “caring” or “concern,” but its goal is to dictate your actions, thoughts, and connections.

• The Sign: They use stone walling,guilt trips, gaslighting, (making you doubt your own reality or memory), or subtle threats to get their way. They may try to isolate you from friends and family, demanding all your time and attention.

3. Unrelenting Criticism and Contempt

While constructive criticism is part of life, a toxic partner engages in relentless, personal attacks disguised as “advice” or “jokes.”

• The Sign: They target your core personality traits, appearance, intelligence, or choices, often in public. They use sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking tones, which social scientists identify as contempt—one of the most damaging behaviors in relationships.

4. Chronic Hostility and Drama

If your relationship cycle feels like a never-ending rollercoaster of intense conflict followed by superficial make-up periods, the dynamic is likely toxic. The drama replaces genuine connection.

• The Sign: Arguments escalate quickly and wildly, often over minor issues. The partner thrives on chaos, and there is no sense of emotional stability or safety. You feel like you constantly have to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering a blow-up.

5. Ignoring Boundaries (or Punishing You for Setting Them)

Boundaries—limits set to protect your emotional and physical space—are fundamental to respect. A toxic person will either ignore your boundaries or attack you for attempting to set them.

• The Sign: You tell them you need alone time, and they show up unannounced. You ask them not to read your private messages, and they insist you have something to hide. Their lack of respect for your space demonstrates a fundamental disregard for you as an individual.

What to Do Next

Recognizing these signs is the crucial first step. If this analysis resonates deeply, know that you don’t have to navigate this complexity alone.

Speaking with a Mental Care Professional can help you establish healthy boundaries, devise a safety plan, and gain the emotional clarity needed to either transform the dynamic or decide to step away and prioritize your own well-being.

Mental Care Professionals (MCPs)—including therapists, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists—do far more than just “listen.” They are skilled practitioners, and they are professionals. Think of then as  strategic partners, and vital guides on the journey toward emotional health and resilience.

In a world where mental health is finally being prioritized, understanding the depth and complexity of their role is crucial to appreciating the value of therapy.

1. The Expert Guide: Diagnosing and Treating Complex Conditions

The most critical function of an MCP is providing informed, evidence-based care. Their role is not simply supportive; it is clinical and strategic.

• Clinical Assessment and Diagnosis: MCPs use standardized, scientifically validated tools to assess symptoms, identify underlying issues, and provide an accurate diagnosis (if needed). This ensures that the treatment plan is targeted, effective, and specifically tailored to conditions like anxiety, depression, PTSD, or chronic stress.
• Evidence-Based Treatment: Professionals are trained in various therapeutic modalities (e.g., Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [CBT], Dialectical Behavior Therapy [DBT], EMDR). They don’t offer generic advice; they implement specific, research-backed techniques designed to reshape thought patterns and behaviors.
• * We may not have this available: Medication Management: For psychiatrists and psychiatric nurse practitioners on the platform, their crucial role extends to prescribing and managing psychotropic medications, carefully balancing efficacy with potential side effects.

2. The Skill Builder: Equipping You for Life

A great MCP doesn’t solve your problems for you; they equip you with the tools and skills to navigate challenges independently long after therapy concludes.

• Emotional Regulation: They teach practical techniques to manage intense emotions, prevent burnout, and reduce reactivity in stressful situations.
• Communication Mastery: They help clients develop assertive communication skills, establish healthy boundaries, and improve conflict resolution in personal and professional relationships.
• Coping Mechanism Development: Instead of relying on unhealthy coping habits, MCPs introduce adaptive strategies, transforming how individuals process grief, trauma, and day-to-day pressure.

3. The Emotional Anchor: Providing Unwavering Support

In the privacy of the therapeutic space, MCPs provide a level of non-judgmental support that is often unavailable elsewhere in a person’s life.

• Safe Space Creation: They guarantee a confidential, empathetic environment where clients can explore deeply personal and painful issues without fear of judgment, backlash, or consequence. This safe space is the foundation upon which all therapeutic progress is built.
• Accountability Partner: While empathetic, they also provide gentle, professional accountability. They help clients stick to their goals, challenge self-limiting beliefs, and take steps toward positive change, maintaining a consistent therapeutic structure.
• Validation and Normalization: One of the greatest comforts an MCP provides is validation. They normalize a client’s feelings and experiences, helping them understand that their struggles are valid and treatable.

The Role of MCPs on TheraConnect our sister site

TheraConnect’s  platform amplifies the crucial role of these professionals by making their expertise more accessible. By providing a secure, virtual environment, TheraConnect ensures that the professional guidance of a fully licensed and vetted MHP is available regardless of a client’s geographic location or busy schedule.

Our professionals maintain the same high standards of practice online as they would in an office, ensuring that clients receive ethical, confidential, and transformative care tailored to the modern world.

Individuals with narcissistic traits often display specific texting habits that mirror their personality characteristics and communication style. Let’s explore some commonly observed text behaviors linked to narcissism:

1. Abundance of Messages during Idealization: In the initial stages of a relationship or during the ‘love-bombing’ phase, narcissists tend to flood your inbox with frequent, complimentary, and intense messages. This strategy aims to captivate the recipient and foster a sense of closeness.
2. Ghosting or Imposing Silent Treatment: Narcissists may abruptly cease responding to texts, utilizing silence as a means of control or as a form of punishment. This behavior typically surfaces when they feel slighted, crave attention, or aim to manipulate the dynamics of the situation.
3. Inconsistent Response Patterns: The timing of their responses can be erratic, displaying a range from immediate replies to prolonged delays without an apparent reason. This inconsistency often leaves the recipient feeling uncertain and preoccupied with the unpredictable nature of the narcissist’s communication style.
4. Gaslighting and Manipulation: One common trait in texts from narcissists is manipulation. They often try to mess with your reality, shake your confidence, and make you doubt your memory or judgment. It’s like they’re playing mind games to control the situation.
5. Self-Centered Conversations: When you read their texts, you might notice a pattern – it’s all about them. Their interests, achievements, and problems take the spotlight, leaving little room for your needs or feelings. It’s like a one-way street where they’re the main character.
6. Sudden Mood Shifts: Dealing with a narcissist’s texts can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, they’re sweet and affectionate, and the next, they’re cold and aggressive. It’s like their mood is directly linked to how much attention and admiration they’re getting.
7. Passive-Aggressive or Sarcastic Remarks: Watch out for those subtle jabs and sarcastic comments. When they feel criticized or think they’re not getting the attention they deserve, narcissists may express their frustration through passive-aggressive behavior or sarcasm in their texts.
8. Lack of Empathy: Reading their messages might leave you feeling like something’s missing – genuine empathy. Narcissists often don’t show a real interest in your emotional state. Instead, their texts focus on their own experiences and feelings, leaving yours in the background. It’s like they’re not tuning into your emotional channel.
9. Triangulation: One common trick is involving third parties in text conversations. This could mean casually mentioning other people to stir up jealousy or unfavorably comparing the person to others, which is a tactic often used.
10. Demanding Attention: Some individuals expect instant responses and can get upset or even punitive if they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve within the timeframe they want.
11. Overwhelming with Messages: There are instances, especially during arguments or when trying to regain control, where a narcissist might flood the recipient with numerous texts, creating a sort of message avalanche.
12. Love Bombing after Conflict: Following a conflict or a period of silence, a narcissist might switch gears suddenly and send overly affectionate or flattering messages. This is a way to pull the person back in, like a charm offensive.

If you want to learn how to protect yourself from false accusations, visit Coping With a Smear Campaign Post-Estrangement by Peg Streep for practical coping strategies. 

It’s an estimated 950,000 predators that can be online at any given time, shouldn’t you be learning more about how to protect your children? 

Historically, predators are typically older males, but in recent years and with the increased access of online platforms, we are starting to see younger and younger men target our children.  Predators hang out online the same places teens do — Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, gaming platforms and more.

It can happen to anyone. I talked with a gifted 13-year-old athlete who was being recognized online for their accomplishments, which caught the attention of a verified influencer on Instagram. Naturally, the young teen was excited when they started to receive messages. But, these messages were a conduit to pick up young kids with promises of professional training. It took only a month for the teen to consider running away when his parents said no, thinking they were going to an amazing opportunity. Luckily, the predator was caught before anything happened.

Other kids aren’t so lucky.

5 ways to spot predators online

• Predators are overly-friendly, inquisitive and interested in what their potential victim is doing in order to groom them. If someone is asking your child a lot of questions and appears to dig for details of their lives, it’s typically a red flag.
• Don’t let your child post any location-specific information. We don’t really think about it, but predators take that information and use it to gather trust. Not only that, but if your child posts information about their location, it’s easy for them to be found by predators.
• Predators are always available. Kids are narcissistic and when someone is always there for them, they are easily manipulated. Look for ongoing messages that are overly-friendly or filled with compliments — that’s emotional manipulation.
• They want to be kept a secret. Often, predators will coax or threaten a child not to tell anyone by saying things like “You don’t have to tell your friends about me” or threaten that the relationship will end if anyone finds out. Anyone that tells your children that is likely a predator.
• Pay attention to behavioral changes in your kids. If a predator is talking to a child, they tend to become more secretive, withdrawn and more obsessed with time behind closed doors. It can be a challenge between normal teen relationships and predators, but typically those that are inappropriate tend to be more secretive.

What to do if a predator starts talking to your kid

• It’s extremely important that you talk to your kids so they know the warning signs of predatory behavior. Let your child know that if someone reaches out to them, they should immediately tell you. Be sure to reinforce they won’t get in any sort of trouble if they tell you. Sometimes, children withhold this information for fear they will lose their devices; it’s necessary to remind them that will not happen if they are open and honest with you.
• Make sure you randomly check your child’s accounts and see who they are talking to. If there are conversations that are pretty consistent but then seem to be missing chunks, chances are parts of the conversation have been deleted. If a child deletes parts of a conversation, there’s a reason and it’s imperative you find out why anything was deleted. They may be hiding information so they don’t get in trouble or jeopardize their relationship with the person. Remember, kids may not know that they are speaking with a predator.
• If you find a predator online, report it to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children; their hotline is open 24 hours a day. Never go after a predator on your own.

A childhood trauma response that leads to estranging family and ourselves.

• Fawning, a trauma response learned in childhood, can lead to quiet estrangements from family and one’s self.
• Fawners’ relationships are performative, not genuine connection, so fawners often feel unseen and unheard.
• People-pleasing is a learned strategy or a conscious choice, while fawning is a survival mechanism.

Growing up in an unstable, abusive, or chaotic home is one of the risk factors for estrangement. In these homes, love is conditional, authenticity is not valued, and children often feel unsafe.

To survive an unpredictable environment, children learn to “read the room.” They take the emotional temperature and gauge the moods of unpredictable family members, subsuming their own desires and their true selves in an effort to get along and maintain calm.

Children living in these difficult homes struggle to see themselves and understand who they really are. Instead, these children train themselves to hide their discomfort while minimizing their own needs. They avoid confrontation. They appease.

In her book, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, Dr. Ingrid Clayton explores how this trauma response, developed in childhood, fosters distance in adult relationships. Fawning is an adaptation that kept the fawner safe in childhood, even though it can take a terrible toll in adulthood. “Fawning is not a conscious choice,” she explains. “It is a relational trauma response.”

Though fawning looks like people-pleasing, Clayton makes a distinction. She reframes fawning as a survival skill, rather than a personality trait or character flaw. People-pleasing, she explains, is more intentional; it’s a strategic, transactional behavior to avoid conflict, seek approval, and grease social interactions. “Labels like ‘people pleaser’ or ‘codependent‘ can carry an implicit judgment,” she told the British Psychological Society, “as if the person is simply making bad choices or lacks boundaries.”

Source: rdne/pexels

Fawners may have been blamed and shamed for their behavior, but fawning, she explains, is a response to longstanding powerlessness. The nervous system becomes conditioned to expect danger. Other trauma responses, such as fight, flight, or freeze, could have resulted in greater harm to the child.

“When faced with the double bind of ‘keep yourself safe’ or ‘raise your self-esteem, the body chooses safety every time,” Clayton says. “Fawning aids us in surviving the complex reality of our circumstances.”

Hyper-vigilance in childhood can become second nature. This enduring state can disturb relationships, creating a barrier to intimacy in adulthood.

Fawning in adulthood

Those who fawn often are praised and labeled with positive characteristics such as selfless, reliable, and adaptable. “Fawning often presents as socially rewarded behaviour: helpfulness, agreeableness, empathy, selflessness,” explains Clayton. “These qualities are not only applauded in most cultures, they are actively conditioned, especially in women and marginalised groups.”

Cultural systems – patriarchy, racism, classism, ableism, heteronormativity – require fawning, explains Clayton. ”It’s how many people – particularly women, people of colour, queer folks, neurodivergent individuals have learned to stay safe, included, or employable.”

However, fawning doesn’t necessarily look like a trauma response, as it’s difficult to identify self-erasure. “It looks like being ‘a good kid’, ‘the strong one’, ‘the peacemaker’, or ‘the one everyone can count on’,” Clayton explains. “The internal cost of chronic anxiety, loss of identity, somatic distress often goes unseen.”

In the personal sphere, for example, fawners who attend family gatherings may exchange polite words, engage in superficial intimacies, and fulfill expected roles; their conversations and actions likely will be performative, however, rather than genuine connections.

Fawners may perceive their inability to connect as a personal failing. But Clayton says these wounds are simply the byproduct of environments that demanded silence, as self-censoring and perpetually accommodating is exhausting. Even worse, this behavior slowly erodes one’s self and individuality. Not feeling seen and heard, the fawner may have a chronic sense of loneliness, self-doubt, and shame.

Her point is that estrangement can be the absence of contact, but it also can be the presence of distance and disconnection in the contact or relationship. Fawning can lead to a kind of quiet estrangement from family and from ourselves.

What it looks like

Clayton identifies these behaviors as fawning:

• Chronic people-pleasing: Agreeing with others to avoid conflict.
• Over-apologizing, especially when you haven’t done anything wrong. Apologizing can be an attempt to smooth things over or avoid criticism.
• Hypervigilance, shapeshifting, and code-switching: Constantly monitoring others’ moods, shifting tone, body language, or facial expression to accommodate someone else. Clayton notes that “code switching” – the practice of altering speech, mannerisms, and appearance to fit into various social situations – is a form of fawning.
• Compulsive caretaking: Taking responsibility for someone’s well-being or attempting to regulate someone’s emotions to avoid rejection.
• Difficulty setting boundaries: Struggling to state needs and set limits, fearing that boundaries will be perceived as selfish and provoke conflict.
• Being the ‘fixer’ or peacemaker, solving problems, negotiating disputes, or over-empathizing, even to the point of self-erasure.
• Performative agreeableness: Over-agreeing, smiling, nodding, offering praise to be liked — even when you might feel angry or disconnected.

What is to be done

Clayton, who has a Master’s in transpersonal psychology and a PhD in clinical psychology, has a Los Angeles-based clinical practice where she treats adults, adolescents, and couples. She is the author of Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma and Recovering Spirituality: Achieving Emotional Sobriety in Your Spiritual Practice. She grew up in an alcoholic family, and her work focuses on addiction and trauma. She was emotionally abused by her mother’s second husband through trauma bonding, gaslighting, and grooming. She has spent decades addressing her own alcohol abuse and recovering from her practice of fawning.

Clayton concedes that there is no full recovery from this reflex. Instead, she says reclaiming authenticity is a daily practice that requires mindfulness. She suggests these steps:

• Recognize the fawning response and name these patterns. Identify moments when you accommodate others and self-silence.
• Embrace discomfort. Genuine connection is worth the risk.
• Let go of unrealistic patterns and expectations.
• Practice boundaries. Learn to say no and express preferences to build self-worth.
• Seek professional support in individual or group therapy where you can be vulnerable and build confidence.

“Unfawning ourselves is welcoming ourselves to the party,” Clayton writes, “… to finally be ourselves.”

References

Clayton, Dr. Ingrid, Sept.9, 2025, Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves and How to Find Our Way Back, G.P. Putnam’s Sons, New York, NY

Gledhill, Jennifer, Sept. 9, 2025, “Recognising fawning as a trauma response opens the door to compassion, healing, and reclaiming agency” The British Psychological Society

About the Author

Fern Schumer Chapman is the author of books including Brothers, Sisters, Strangers and The Sibling Estrangement Journal. She offers private, one-on-one coaching sessions to those who struggle with sibling estrangement issues.

Online:

 Fern Schumer Chapman, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram