Dr Samantha Rodden

As your friendly neighborhood blogapist that tackles many non-PC topics in order to help your marriage, I consider it my business to help you actually understand your partner better, even if what I say isn’t politically correct. This post is no different!  Here, I tackle the idea that men should generally try to protect their wives, because this is what most women that I see actually want. And, if the choice is between overprotecting and underprotecting (examples will follow), men who pick overprotecting will end up with happier wives and marriages. How does this play out?

Women frequently tell me that they don’t feel their husband “has their back.”  This can manifest in a million small and large ways, but some common ones are:

• He is not on her side in arguments with the kids or inlaws
• He doesn’t watch out for her and try to help her when she is tired, overwhelmed, depressed, or sick
• He sits by and watches while she makes unhealthy choices (e.g., stay up too late, drink too much, work too hard, get involved in arguments with family members that won’t lead to anything good) even though she tries to stop HIM from doing these same things
• He is nonconfrontational to a fault and does not lead the family in a direction that would be overall positive because he is terrified of her short term frustration or disapproval

Women may say they want to be independent, and they certainly do want to make their own choices about many things, as does any human being.  But most women also yearn for a partner who takes charge, especially when they feel tapped out or overburdened.  The problem comes when they criticize their husbands for any attempt at taking charge, which makes men feel scared to do so, because then they are jerks or bad feminists.  This idea is why I wrote my post Stop Caring So Much What Your Wife Thinks.

What are examples of protecting and underprotecting?

Protecting (which maybe you see as overprotecting if you never do these things):

• Making the decision about where to go to dinner because she is too stressed to deal
• Telling your mom that your wife will be taking a nap during their afternoon visit because she is wiped out from being up with the baby
• Telling your kids to respect their mother and giving them a time-out for being rude
• Telling your wife she needs to get more sleep and turning off Game of Thrones after this episode
• Not buying the snack foods that she says over and over that she gets addicted to and doesn’t want in the house
• Telling her to go take a nap because you have the kids and the house handled and she is exhausted

Underprotecting:

• Letting your wife make all the decisions because she criticized your choice of Mexican food when you were dating
• Saying nothing as your mom makes comments about how your wife should sleep train the baby
• Saying nothing when your kids are rude to your wife because this one time she told you not to invalidate them
• Figuring that your wife’s sleep, exercise, food and drink intake and whatever else is her business because she is an adult and not helping her with moderation even when she says that would be helpful
• Not checking on her during the day at all, even via text, and then saying it’s because you don’t want to bother her at work because she says she’s busy (as if a text is going to jump out of her phone and dance on the table during her meetings)

If you try some of the protecting ones and your wife says, “Don’t patronize me!” then you can openly share that you’re trying to make more decisions because she has said she wants you to make decisions/be involved/whatever she has said.  But I can assure you that this reaction is better than the sobbing anger that you will get from a wife that feels that you never protect her or back her up.

If you are uncomfortable making decisions for your wife’s benefit because this seems chauvinistic, think of it as caretaking plain and simple. I have said before to treat your partner as well as you treat your kids.  If your child said “But I don’t want to brush my teeth!” you would still make sure they brushed their teeth. Yet when your exhausted wife says, “But I have to watch one more episode to wind down,” you say, “Okay” and go back into the world of your phone.  What if you said, “Come to bed and I will rub your back and then you can get the sleep you need?”  This would be loving, caretaking, and protecting.  If you do it for your kids, why not for your wife?

Sometimes women are uncomfortable being cared for because they never got cared for as children. Then, they usually secretly want to be taken care of and protected, but they think this isn’t an option for them.  Then, they will say things like:

• “I do everything myself around here”
• “My husband acts like a child“
• “My husband is so irresponsible“

You may say that these particular men in the linked posts are actually all of these bad things that their wives call them.  But how did these men get this way and why did the woman choose to stay when their selfish traits became evident (almost never late in marriage, almost always red flags early on)?  It takes two to tango. Often, women who are very anxious and codependent find an irresponsible partner very familiar on a subconscious level.  Growing up, they saw one parent who was a “problem person” (e.g. alcoholic, anger issues, depressive), and one who devoted their life to “helping” or enabling this person.  When women stay in situations where a man cannot protect them and then say this is why they HAVE TO do everything themselves instead of getting out and finding a partner who would care for them, this is due to unexamined codependency and feeling like they don’t deserve and could never find anything better.

You may also ask, “Why is this post targeted toward men? I thought both partners are supposed to care for each other?” My answer is simple.  I see many, many women in couples counseling who say they wish their partner protected them, and I have never heard this from a man.  Men certainly want to be taken care of, and most frequently this is with physical affection and words of love.  I take an equity approach to couples work vs equality.  Everyone needs similar things, such as to feel loved and secure, but not everyone needs the exact same partner behaviors to achieve this.  Women who want to care for their male partners can read other posts of mine like this, this or this.

Try to protect your wife and see if she starts to feel more secure, which would manifest as more smiles, less anxiety, less irritability and less anger (and more physical touch).  People who feel vulnerable to attack (even in ways that you don’t consider “attacks,” e.g. your mom making comments) act angry and defensive.  When they know someone is there for them, actively trying to care for and protect them, they frequently calm down because they feel more secure and loved.  Share this article with your partner as well, because more communication on this topic may help you further understand how your spouse feels about this idea of protection.  And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Everyone Wants To Be Securely Reparented, But This Can Look Very Different To Different People.

Your morning might look like hitting snooze twice and inhaling coffee on the way out the door — or it might involve a sunrise workout and a slow, intentional start. Either way, you probably have some kind of routine. And it turns out those small, repeated patterns are doing more for your mind and body than you might think.

Routines Quiet the Mental Noise

A big part of why routines help is what they take off your plate. When a task becomes habitual, you stop spending mental energy remembering it, scheduling it, or deciding whether to do it — you just do it. That freed-up bandwidth is a real stress reducer.

This shows up in the research: studies on families during the pandemic found that kids with consistent routines had higher emotional well-being, and their parents reported lower anxiety. Simple end-of-day habits — laying out clothes, prepping meals, glancing at tomorrow’s schedule — can measurably lower next-morning anxiety. The effect isn’t just short-term, either: one study tracked infants with regular routines and found reduced anxiety levels persisting into their school-age years.

Routines Help You Sleep — Even the Daytime Ones

Yes, a wind-down routine (shower, herbal tea, reading) helps you fall asleep. But your daytime consistency matters just as much. Research links stable daily routines to lower insomnia rates, faster sleep onset, and better sleep efficiency — particularly in older adults.

One study comparing solid sleepers to people with insomnia found the insomnia group had noticeably less regular daily activity patterns, suggesting routines help regulate the body’s internal clock. Keeping consistent sleep and wake times — not just what you do before bed — is one of the most agreed-upon recommendations across sleep science.

Routines Free Up Your Brain for the Hard Stuff

When your brain isn’t spending energy on recurring decisions, it has more room for creativity and complex problem-solving. That’s not just a feel-good idea — it’s backed by cognitive research showing that habitual tasks reduce the mental load needed to complete them, reserving focus for things that actually require it.

Routines also appear to build resilience. Research from the pandemic era found that people with steady daily routines showed stronger “cognitive adaptation” — the ability to shift problem-solving strategies as situations changed. The flip side was true too: people whose routines were disrupted reported more distress when facing setbacks, and were more likely to struggle with anxiety and depression.

Building a Routine That Actually Sticks

The goal isn’t a rigid, identical schedule every day — it’s structure that flexes with you.

1. Design around different kinds of days. Weekday mornings might be built for efficiency; weekends can be slower and more spontaneous. There’s no single “correct” routine — only one that fits your actual life.

2. Get clear on your goal first. Better sleep, more movement, deeper friendships, more organization — each of these needs a different routine. Start by naming what you’re actually trying to build toward.

3. Remove your own roadblocks before you start. Do you need help freeing up time? Equipment? A better time of day? Clearing obstacles before you begin dramatically raises your odds of sticking with it.

4. Start small — smaller than you think. If your goal is a morning workout and you’re not a morning person, don’t start with a 6 a.m. gym session. Start with one walk a week. Build from there. Bring a friend along, or just have someone cheering you on — accountability makes consistency easier.

Routines aren’t about boxing yourself in. They’re a framework that holds space for the things that matter to you — so your mind has less to manage and more room to actually be present.

Guys can be tough to read. We often associate masculine traits like assertiveness, confidence, and independence with strength and desirability. However, these qualities can sometimes mask deeper emotional struggles. In this post, we’ll explore the signs of an emotionally broken man and why it’s important to recognize them.

What Does It Mean to Be Emotionally Broken?

An emotionally broken man may struggle with:

• Emotional Regulation: Difficulty identifying, feeling, and managing emotions.
• Low Self-Esteem: A fragile sense of self-worth, often hidden behind a facade of confidence.
• Negative Thinking Patterns: Persistent pessimism and self-doubt.
• Unresolved Trauma: Past experiences that continue to impact their present-day behavior and emotions.

Why Being Emotionally Broken is a Problem for Relationships

Emotionally broken men may:

• Struggle with Intimacy: Fear of vulnerability and difficulty forming deep connections.
• Push People Away: Create distance to protect themselves from emotional pain.
• Mask Their Struggles: Hide their true feelings to maintain a strong, independent image.

6 Red Flags of an Emotionally Broken Man

1. Mood Swings and Volatility:
   • Sudden outbursts of anger or irritability
   • Difficulty handling stress or setbacks
   • Rapid shifts in mood or behavior
2. Chaotic Behavior:
   • Inconsistent behavior and unreliable actions
   • Difficulty with time management and organization
   • A constant sense of busyness or distraction
3. Lone Wolf Syndrome:
   • Preference for solitude and avoidance of social interaction
   • Difficulty forming and maintaining meaningful relationships
   • A strong sense of self-reliance and independence
4. Emotional Unavailability:
   • Difficulty expressing emotions and sharing vulnerabilities
   • Closed-off and distant demeanor
   • Superficial conversations and avoidance of deep topics
5. Reliance on Sexual Intimacy:
   • Using sex as a means of connection or validation
   • Lack of emotional intimacy in relationships
6. Drastic Sense of Responsibility:
   • Blaming others for their problems or taking excessive responsibility for situations

What to Do

If you suspect that you’re involved with an emotionally broken man, it’s important to:

Editor’s note: Ready to attract love with a proven strategy? Watch this free video to learn the 7 powerful steps

• Prioritize Your Well-Being: Don’t sacrifice your own happiness to try to fix someone else.
• Set Boundaries: Protect yourself from emotional manipulation and toxic behavior.
• Seek Support: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your concerns.

Remember, you deserve a partner who can provide emotional support, love, and understanding. Don’t settle for less.

Love shouldn’t make you feel confused. It shouldn’t leave you constantly questioning your worth, wondering why something feels off when everything sounds right on the surface.

Here’s the hard part: when someone is using you, it rarely looks obvious. No one tells you upfront, “I’m going to use you and treat you badly.” Instead, it feels a lot like falling in love — which is exactly what makes it so hard to see. You’re not looking for someone to manipulate you. You’re looking for connection. So when the red flags show up, it’s easy to explain them away, make excuses, and convince yourself it’s just a rough patch that time will fix.

It won’t. And if part of you already suspects that, this is your sign to trust it.

Real love builds you up. Being used slowly takes pieces of you away — leaving you drained instead of valued, confused instead of secure, and alone even when someone is right beside you.

Here are 8 clear signs you’re experiencing that difference firsthand.

1. They Only Show Up When They Need Something

Attention comes in waves — heavy when they want something from you, and nearly silent the rest of the time. Real connection doesn’t run on convenience.

2. You’re Always the One Making the Effort

You plan. You check in. You keep the relationship moving. If you stopped initiating entirely, would there still be a relationship at all?

3. Your Feelings Are Consistently Minimized

When you bring up something that hurt you, it gets brushed off, argued away, or turned back around on you. Over time, you learn to stop bringing things up at all — and that silence isn’t peace, it’s self-protection.

4. They’re Affectionate Right Before They Need a Favor

A sudden wave of sweetness that lines up a little too perfectly with a request. It’s not always conscious manipulation, but the pattern is real, and your gut usually notices before your mind catches up.

5. You Feel Drained, Not Energized, After Spending Time With Them

Genuine connection tends to leave you feeling a little more like yourself. If you consistently leave interactions feeling smaller, more anxious, or emotionally depleted, that’s worth paying attention to.

6. You’re Constantly Making Excuses for Their Behavior

“They’re just stressed.” “They didn’t mean it that way.” “It’s not that deep.” If you find yourself defending their behavior more than they ever have to, that imbalance is the message.

7. Your Needs Are Treated as an Inconvenience

Every relationship should hold space for both people’s needs. If yours consistently feel like a burden, a distraction, or “too much,” that’s not a compatibility issue — it’s a value issue.

8. Deep Down, You Already Know

This is often the clearest sign of all. Something in you has been quietly saying this isn’t right for a while now — and you’ve been talking yourself out of listening to it.

What This Means Moving Forward

Recognizing these signs isn’t about assigning blame to yourself for missing them. Being used rarely announces itself — it hides behind the very thing you were looking for in the first place: connection. Naming the pattern is the first step to no longer excusing it.

You deserve a relationship that leaves you feeling secure, valued, and like more of yourself — not less.

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FAQ

How is being used different from a normal rough patch in a relationship?
A rough patch usually involves mutual effort to repair things and comes with genuine accountability. Being used follows a consistent one-sided pattern over time, with little to no real change.

Can someone use you without realizing it?
Yes — not all manipulation is intentional. Some people fall into one-sided relationship patterns without recognizing the imbalance. That said, the impact on you is real either way, regardless of their intent.

What should I do if I recognize these signs in my relationship?
Start by naming what you’re noticing, ideally in writing or with a trusted friend or therapist. Clarity often comes before action — you don’t have to decide anything right away, just start paying honest attention to the pattern.

Creating a Meditation Space: How to Build a Calm Corner for Peace and Mindfulness

Life can be busy, noisy, and overwhelming. Between work, family responsibilities, and endless notifications, finding a moment of peace isn’t always easy. That’s why creating a dedicated meditation space can make a meaningful difference.

The good news is that you don’t need a large room or expensive furniture. A quiet corner with a few thoughtful touches can become a place where you slow down, breathe deeply, and reconnect with yourself.

Why Create a Meditation Space?

When you return to the same peaceful space each day, your mind begins to associate that environment with relaxation and mindfulness. Over time, simply sitting in that space can help you settle into meditation more easily.

A dedicated meditation area may help you:

• Reduce stress
• Practice mindfulness consistently
• Improve focus
• Support emotional well-being
• Create healthy daily habits
• Encourage moments of calm during difficult days

Remember, meditation isn’t about creating a perfect environment. It’s about creating a space that feels peaceful and welcoming to you.

Choose a Quiet Location

Look for a place where interruptions are less likely.

This might be:

• A corner of your bedroom
• A small area in the living room
• A reading nook
• A spot near a window
• A covered porch or patio
• A quiet office corner

Even a small area can become a meaningful retreat.

Keep It Simple

You don’t need expensive decorations.

Many people enjoy including:

• A comfortable cushion or chair
• A soft blanket
• A yoga mat
• A small side table
• A calming piece of artwork
• A plant
• A journal
• A favorite inspirational quote

Choose items that help you feel relaxed rather than distracted.

Let Nature Inspire You

Natural elements can make a meditation space feel more calming.

Consider adding:

• Houseplants
• Stones or crystals (if meaningful to you)
• Driftwood
• Seashells
• Fresh flowers
• A small indoor fountain
• Natural wood accents

These simple touches can help create a peaceful atmosphere.

Use Soft Lighting

Lighting influences how a space feels.

You might prefer:

• Natural sunlight
• Warm lamps
• Flameless candles
• Soft string lights
• Salt lamps

Avoid harsh overhead lighting whenever possible.

Minimize Distractions

A peaceful environment supports a peaceful mind.

Try to remove:

• Clutter
• Loud electronics
• Work materials
• Notifications from your phone

Consider putting your phone on silent during your meditation practice.

Make It Comfortable

Comfort helps you stay present.

You don’t have to sit cross-legged.

Many people meditate:

• In a chair
• On a cushion
• On a yoga mat
• On a bench
• While lying down (if staying awake isn’t difficult)

Choose a position that allows you to breathe comfortably.

Personalize Your Space

Your meditation area should reflect what brings you peace.

You might include:

• Family photos
• Nature photography
• Inspirational books
• Journals
• Meaningful artwork
• A gratitude notebook

Keep decorations intentional rather than overwhelming.

Create a Daily Ritual

Consistency is more important than length.

A simple routine could look like this:

1. Silence your phone.
2. Take three slow breaths.
3. Sit comfortably.
4. Meditate for five to ten minutes.
5. Write one sentence in your journal.
6. Continue with your day.

Even a few quiet minutes can become an important part of your wellness routine.

Remember There Is No Perfect Meditation Space

Some days your meditation might happen in a peaceful corner of your home.

Other days it might happen:

• In your car before work
• On a park bench
• During a walk
• While sitting quietly in your backyard

Meditation is less about the location and more about the intention to pause, breathe, and be present.

Final Thoughts

Creating a meditation space is a simple way to support your mental and emotional well-being. Whether your space is a dedicated room or a small corner with a comfortable chair, what matters most is that it encourages you to return to moments of calm and mindfulness.

Start small, make it your own, and allow your space to grow with your practice.

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Related Articles

• Meditation: A Complete Guide to Finding Calm and Reducing Stress
• Beginner’s Guide to Meditation
• Morning Meditation Routine
• 5-Minute Meditation for Busy Days
• Mindfulness vs. Meditation: What’s the Difference?
• Self-Care: A Complete Guide to Caring for Your Mind and Body

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Learn More

Explore more articles, printable journals, and free mental wellness resources at FitnessHacksForLife.org.

If you’re looking for professional support, TheraConnect.net can help you connect with licensed therapists and qualified coaches.

Forgiving yourself is not letting yourself off the hook.

Source: Pixabay

I acknowledge that some people “forgive” themselves too easily and quickly. When they feel the tooth of remorse or the pang of regret, they let themselves off the hook. Denying their responsibility, minimizing their role, shifting blame, and engaging in revisionist history are some of the characteristic moves of the speedy self-forgiver. This is not genuine self-forgiveness, because there’s little self-reflection about how their actions have harmed others or themselves. Nor is there much reflection about how these experiences and one’s responses to them might make them better people in the future. There’s no effort to repair any damage. These people seem more concerned with removing negative emotions, such as remorse and regret, by wiping the slate clean. They treat themselves and their actions like an Etch-A-Sketch toy. Give a good shake, and all the troubling experiences and the negative emotions they create just disappear.

Genuine self-forgiveness can help restore a person’s sense that she has moral worth and dignity, even if she has made significant mistakes and caused great harm to others or to herself. It all comes down to what she is willing to do in the present and future. She must acknowledge what she’s done, repair as best she can and as circumstances allow, and commit to doing better in the future. The bitter irony is that the people who perhaps most need and deserve to forgive themselves cannot. The necessary reflection and acknowledgment can be very difficult, because some people are burdened by forms of self-deception. Self-deception makes it difficult to identify when self-forgiveness is appropriate. Some of these forms of self-deception include:

Exceptionalism: You hold yourself accountable or blameworthy in ways that you would never hold others. You hold yourself to a standard that is far higher than the one you use for others. This is a cousin to perfectionism. You expect yourself to be perfect, and anything less than perfection is an abject failure. You believe you control the outcomes of your actions. If those actions go awry, you can only assume it is your fault.

Expansionism: You expand the realm of your responsibility to just about everything. You significantly overestimate your zone of responsibility, thereby assuming responsibility for acts or situations that are not yours. If you see yourself as responsible for everything, you will always encounter your failures and mistakes.

Confirmation bias: You operate with the assumption that someone like you (insert all negative judgments here) can only bring about harms or injuries to others. Every act confirms your inadequacy or culpability, which exacerbates shame. You believe everything you do and everything about you is bad or wrong or hurtful, and this reinforces your view that someone like you doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

These forms of self-deception are notoriously difficult to identify and interrupt, because they are so familiar. More accurately, they are normal to those who operate under them; they mediate how people see themselves and others. This has very real consequences. Consider Tina. If Tina believes everything bad that happens in a relationship is her fault, her partner may reinforce that belief along with the belief that he has no responsibility for what happens. Tina takes his blame and directs her own at herself. This may make a relationship go from bad to toxic and dangerous.

Let’s imagine Tina finally leaves her partner after many years. She feels as if she has really let herself down by having stayed for so long. She’s wasted too many years with someone who not only didn’t make her a better person but also tore her down. Why is self-forgiveness appropriate, and what might it look like for her? Self-forgiveness is appropriate, because it is a way to restore dignity, which is often damaged in toxic relationships. Self-forgiveness is a step in rebuilding—if not building for the first time—the sense that a person matters.

What might the acknowledgment, repair, and commitment that are crucial for self-forgiveness look like for Tina? She needs to acknowledge the history of the relationship and what patterns developed anew or continued from past relationships. She needs to acknowledge her feelings and reasons for staying, along with her reasons for leaving. She needs to acknowledge what was beyond her control and what were her partner’s responsibilities. This is a very hard thing to do.

The repair work takes several forms. To repair is to restore, rejuvenate, heal, and redeem one’s self. One important step is to reframe. Tina may have a tape running through her head that she did all of this to herself; she chose to stay for so long. She sees her harms as self-inflicted. If she were to reframe particular decisions, that may help to reframe the broader picture. For example, she may come to see that she had very few options—each of them bad—to choose between. While rocks and hard places are both options, neither is a good one. She may reframe her actions in light of those choices and realize she did the best she could in difficult situations. In fact, she may see she was rather clever in coming up with third options in many situations. Something like this may help Tina to see herself as having a little more worth than she thought she had. This can be a huge achievement in healing and redeeming Tina’s sense of worth.

The commitment to a better present and future self builds off the acknowledgment and repair work. The commitment to being a better person in the future must involve the commitment to treat yourself better by valuing and respecting yourself. It is a commitment to break old patterns of self-deprecation and denigration that aid and abet self-deception. When Tina does this, she is less likely to tolerate others who are trying to define her value and worth for her.

Self-forgiveness does not happen quickly and easily. It can be scary for sure, but it can also be uplifting and liberating.

How to cope with obsessive thoughts in a relationship. By Susi Ferrarello, Ph.D.

“I can’t stop thinking about her”. “I want to know everything about her.” “Time stops when I’m with her.” “I don’t think she knows how much I care about her.”

If you hear these sentences, would you think about love or obsession? Sometimes, separating the two can be quite an endeavor. Having feelings for someone we don’t know very well can border on an insane obsession we cultivate for that person and unhealthy projections we attribute to them.

On obsession or being under siege

In general, obsession is quite an unhealthy state of mind. It becomes even more dangerous when obsession gets confused with romantic feelings somewhat resembling love.

But obsession is a state of mind that tries to tell us something important about ourselves to improve the quality of our lives.

Irvin Yalom once wrote: “Love obsession often serves as a distraction, keeping the individual’s gaze from more painful thoughts.”

Obsession is a distraction; a very dangerous and consuming one. It keeps us from a true intimate connection with ourselves.

That is, if you start obsessing about someone, this person is the least of your problems. It is very likely in fact that this person does not even feel cared for by you.

Obsession is putting you under siege. In fact, the word, ‘obsession’ comes from the Latin ob-sidere, which means to be occupied and almost invaded by something that does not belong to you. In fact, the person you may be obsessing about is often a stranger, a long distant friend, a coworker; someone you met only a few times. It is someone you do not know well. The fact that you do not know this person very well allows the obsession to thrive. Thanks to the lack of reality checks, your mind will run wild in projections on the life of this person. You will build possible scenarios about your next encounter with them. Any action or reaction from that person will make your heart beat as never before. You are alive but under siege. You are alive because you are under siege. Suddenly, your mind will be busied with intruding thoughts that do not fully belong to you but keep you busy.

Keeping you busy is the hidden agenda of any obsession. Obsessions are there to displace your attention and care about what truly matters.

But watch out. The glimpses of joy you allow yourself to feel when humoring the obsession are often just an illusion. What seems to bring promises of joy and happiness will be the carrier of a loss of sleep and a ton of anxiety.

How can you know if you are in love, or if you are just obsessed?

You can decide to allow yourself some time to answer this question.

If the person you are feeling so much about is the right person for you, the decision about what to do with these important feelings can wait some time; before making big decisions, you can allow yourself to take some distance and check with yourself if there is something missing in your life that justifies the obsessive feelings.

Often, the difference between obsession and healthy loving feelings is marked out by a natural spontaneous and anxiety free growth. When prey to obsessions, you are getting close to the person you feel obsessed about with a ton of anxiety, double guessing, and looping thoughts. So, it might be that you feel attracted to this person and feel slightly insecure about him or her. With a closer look, you might realize that you do not know much about this person. You might see that you did not spend so much time with him or her. You do not actually know how she or he is in the world.

With a deeper introspection, you might even realize that you do not care that much about their life or inner world; what you want is their spotlight on you. You want this person to see you, to get to know you, to get interested in your life. You look forward to making this person part of your life.

In fact, this person whose company you are craving, is you.

Give yourself what you fantasize receiving from your obsession

Obsessions are very tricky. In fact, they indicate that there is something so painful and sad at the bottom of your chest that you have decided to disconnect from it.

In fact, if you try to think lucidly through it—”what if I give in to my obsession”—a disastrous chain of events sometimes follows: your marriage breaking up in an awful way, losing respect for yourself, getting so disorganized that a job offer is revoked, etc.

An obsession can help you make the change you are so afraid of. Yet, it will open that door in a tempestuous way: your life will be so busy and disorganized that you will eventually forget about your pain.

But pain cannot ever be forgotten. It can be repressed, but never deleted from the soul unless you put real work into listening to it.

Ideally, what you can do to care about yourself is to give yourself some time to understand the limits of your situation. To do that, you need to resist the temptation of giving the obsession all your time.

You can pay attention to the obsession, only in so far as it tells you something concrete about what you would like to do. Do you desire to be with the other person? What would make this encounter so special? Do you want this person to know about your interests? Do you want this person to acknowledge the depth of your thoughts and creativity? Then invite all this into your life. Pay attention to your own interests and try to make more time to dedicate yourself to them. Invite sex into your life with your partner, by yourself or by undertaking fun sexual adventures. Be ambitious; start doing with your life what you wish you could do with the person you are obsessing about.

To conclude: obsessions are tough

Obsessions are tough. They are little tornadoes that we invite into our life because mourning would be too painful and making a change too unsafe. The source of pain becomes so remote and disconnected that you need to play the emotional investigator in order to reconnect with that source and resolve the pain.

So, if you start paying attention to what your needs really are and what you expect to find in that person, it might be that the hurting part, hidden somewhere in you, comes back to trust you again with its thoughts and feelings.

It might be that all you can do is just cry and mourn; or it might be that it is time for you to take action in respect of that pain and move on.

In general, the best advice is to take some time for yourself to learn how to cope with the obsession and make a decision that involves the real you, not the you that is under siege.

Do Narcissists Have Feelings? Not for You, not for one second!

You’ve probably heard that narcissists don’t have feelings. That’s partly true — they don’t have real feelings for you. Their emotional world revolves around themselves, and other people exist mainly as a source of attention and validation. Understanding this distinction is key to understanding why they behave the way they do.

Emotions as Fuel: The Narcissist’s Real Motivation

For a narcissist, other people’s emotions function like fuel. Provoking a strong reaction — anger, frustration, tears — gives them a hit of power and control. The stronger your reaction, the more “proof” they get that they can still pull your strings.

This is why narcissists often seem to escalate conflict rather than resolve it. Resolution ends the supply of reaction; escalation keeps it flowing.

Why Your Reaction Feels Like a Win to Them

When your voice rises in anger or frustration turns to tears, it confirms — to them — that they’ve successfully gotten under your skin. In that moment, they feel a sense of superiority and control over you. It’s not an accident or a side effect of conflict; for a narcissist, provoking that exact response is often the goal.

The Cycle of Emotional Manipulation

The pattern typically looks like this:

1. Provoke — a comment, insult, or manipulation designed to trigger a reaction
2. React — you respond with visible frustration, anger, or hurt
3. Feed — your reaction reinforces their sense of power and control
4. Repeat — the behavior continues because it’s been rewarded

Over time, this cycle leaves the people around a narcissist feeling drained, anxious, and emotionally exhausted — while the narcissist’s need for that reaction never actually gets satisfied. It just resets and starts again.

How to Stop Feeding the Cycle

Breaking the pattern doesn’t mean suppressing how you feel — it means changing how much visible reaction you give the narcissist to work with.

• Recognize the pattern in real time. Naming it internally (“this is provocation, not a real conflict”) creates distance between the trigger and your response.
• Respond flatly instead of emotionally. A calm, low-energy response gives them nothing to feed on.
• Set a boundary and disengage. You don’t have to win the exchange — walking away is often the most effective response.
• Process the emotion elsewhere. Talk it through with someone you trust, or a therapist, rather than showing the reaction to the person provoking it.

The Bottom Line

A narcissist’s provocations aren’t random — they’re a bid for emotional reaction, because that reaction is what feeds their sense of control. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to starving it. The less reaction you supply, the less power the cycle has over you.

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If you’re in a relationship where this pattern feels constant or overwhelming, talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse or relational dynamics can help you build a plan to protect your well-being.

Sex with a narcissist often follows the same pattern as the relationship itself:

1. Love Bombing

At the beginning, sex may feel passionate, exciting, and intensely intimate. They may:

• Make you feel like you’re the only person in the world.
• Be very attentive to your needs.
• Use physical affection to create a strong emotional bond quickly.

2. Control

As the relationship progresses, sex may become a way to gain power. They may:

• Decide when intimacy happens.
• Withhold affection as punishment.
• Pressure you into activities you’re uncomfortable with.
• Use sex to reward or punish behavior.

3. Lack of Emotional Intimacy

Although the physical connection may seem intense, genuine emotional closeness is often missing. A narcissist may:

• Focus primarily on their own pleasure.
• Show little empathy for your feelings.
• Treat sex as validation rather than mutual connection.

4. Devaluation

Once the idealization phase ends, they may:

• Criticize your appearance or performance.
• Compare you to others.
• Become distant or reject intimacy.
• Use infidelity or flirting to make you jealous.

5. Hoovering

If you leave, they may try to pull you back by:

• Becoming suddenly affectionate.
• Promising change.
• Using sexual memories or chemistry to rekindle the relationship.

Healthy Sex vs. Narcissistic Sex

Healthy Relationship	Narcissistic Relationship
Mutual respect	Control and manipulation
Open communication	One-sided demands
Emotional connection	Validation seeking
Consent is respected	Boundaries may be ignored or pressured
Both partners’ needs matter	Their needs come first

Why It Can Be Hard to Leave

Many survivors describe the sexual chemistry as one of the hardest parts of ending the relationship. This can happen because:

• The cycle of affection and rejection creates powerful emotional highs and lows.
• Intermittent reinforcement (unpredictable rewards) can strengthen emotional attachment.
• You may confuse intense chemistry with genuine intimacy.

Healing After a Narcissistic Relationship

Recovery often involves:

• Rebuilding trust in yourself.
• Learning healthy relationship boundaries.
• Understanding trauma bonding.
• Seeking support from a therapist or support group if needed.
• Giving yourself time to separate emotional intensity from genuine love.

Remember, great sex alone is not evidence of a healthy relationship. In a healthy partnership, physical intimacy is built on trust, respect, empathy, consent, and mutual care—not manipulation or control.