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Understanding the Weight of Family Dynamics and Roles.

The fabric of family life is complex. From eldest daughters shouldering burdens to the significance of multigenerational living, let’s unravel the intricate patterns and roles that define our families.

We’ve all heard of or seen it – eldest daughters taking on the mantle of responsibility, from caring for younger siblings to managing household tasks. This is not just about lending a helping hand. This is about an often unrecognized load they carry from a young age. The assumption that girls are naturally adept caregivers has clouded the real issue – the emotional toll it can impose.

The Bond of Siblings: More Than Just Playmates

Siblings share a unique bond that transcends mere companionship. From childhood antics to adult confidences, these relationships are deeply formative. Siblings often act as each other’s first friends, rivals, and teachers. This bond, fraught with ups and downs, laughter, and squabbles, forms the crux of many individuals’ earliest memories. The interactions among siblings play a significant role in shaping character, understanding compromise, and developing social skills.

Piaget’s Theory: Unpacking Childhood Cognition

Children view the world differently. Renowned Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget researched this subject extensively. His theory on cognitive development offers insights into a child’s evolving mind, providing a lens through which we can understand their growth and learning patterns.

Motherhood: Navigating Common Pitfalls

Becoming a mother is a beautiful, albeit challenging, voyage. Some unintentional motherhood missteps can lead to overprotected, emotionally dependent children. Mothers must recognize these potential pitfalls and consciously work to avoid them.

Emotional Incest: A Hidden Relationship Dynamic

Phrases like “I am my mother’s confidante” seem innocuous. But sometimes, they hint at a deeper issue – emotional incest. This complicated relationship dynamic can profoundly impact those involved, and it’s essential to understand its signs and consequences.

Grandparents: The Undervalued Pillars

In today’s digital age, grandparents’ wisdom and affection can go unnoticed. Yet, spending quality time with them is invaluable. Grandparents often hold cherished stories, lessons, and unconditional love that enrich children’s lives.

Navigating Dysfunctional Family Dynamics

All families have their ups and downs. But when dysfunction dominates, the household can become an emotional battleground. Recognizing unhealthy family roles and dynamics is the first step to healing and fostering more positive interactions.

Red Flags in Romance: How to Spot Narcissistic Behaviors Early On

Understanding Narcissistic Behaviors in Relationships

Narcissistic behaviors can profoundly affect interpersonal dynamics. Understanding these traits is crucial for emotional well-being. Many individuals may overlook narcissism, mistaking charm for love. For instance, a friend may find themselves swept off their feet by someone who initially appears caring, only to realize later those gestures disguised a deeper self-centeredness.

Significance of Identifying Red Flags Early On

Recognizing red flags early can safeguard one’s emotional health. Some key indicators include:

1. Over-praise-that feels excessive
2. Inconsistency actions and words
3. Disdainfor others’ feelings and perspectives
4. Love Bombing
5. Sex Bombing

Identifying these traits early can empower individuals to make informed decisions in their relationships.

Characteristics of Narcissistic Behaviors

Grandiosity and Self-Importance

Narcissistic individuals often exhibit grandiosity, believing they’re superior to others. It’s not uncommon for them to share exaggerated accomplishments or talents. For example, a partner might boast about their job successes while dismissing your achievements. This behavior fosters an environment where their self-importance overshadows anyone else’s contributions.

Lack of Empathy and Emotional Manipulation

A critical trait is their inability to empathize. They may appear uninterested in your feelings, often manipulating situations to serve their interests. It might feel like a game where you’re left questioning your emotions or sense of reality.

Excessive Need for Validation and Attention

Attention is a lifeline for the narcissistic personality. They thrive on constant validation, often wanting praise for even minor efforts. You might notice them fishing for compliments or sulking when compliments are scarce. This insatiable need can turn relationships into an exhausting cycle of seeking approval rather than mutual respect.

Early Warning Signs of Narcissistic Behaviors

Love-Bombing and Idealization

At the onset of a relationship, narcissists often engage in love-bombing—overwhelming you with affection and attention. For example, they might shower you with gifts or constant praise, making you feel uniquely special. This phase can be enchanting, but it often lays the groundwork for future manipulation.

Gaslighting and Blame-Shifting

A significant warning sign is emotional manipulation, such as gaslighting. They may twist facts, making you doubt your reality and feelings. You may constantly apologize, even when you’re not at fault, which can create an unsettling imbalance.

Sense of Entitlement and Control

Narcissists exhibit a strong sense of entitlement, expecting special treatment without regard for others. This might manifest as insistence on choosing activities or decisions in the relationship. It’s common to feel like you’re living in their world—one defined by their rules and preferences, often disregarding your needs and desires.

Impact of Narcissistic Relationships

Psychological Effects on the Victim

Being in a narcissistic relationship can have profound psychological effects. Victims often experience confusion, anxiety, and low self-esteem. For instance, one may feel constantly unsettled, struggling to understand if their emotions are valid. Over time, this emotional turmoil can foster depression and a loss of identity, as their needs and desires are often neglected.

Escalation of Manipulative Tactics

As the relationship continues, manipulative tactics may escalate. Initially, small acts of control can evolve into more overt aggression, making it challenging for the victim to escape. Examples include increased gaslighting, where one’s reality is persistently distorted, leading one to question one’s thoughts. Recognizing this progression is vital to safeguard one’s mental health and take decisive actions.

Coping Strategies and Seeking Help

Setting Boundaries and Self-Care Practices

To reclaim your sense of self after a narcissistic relationship, establishing boundaries is crucial. Clearly communicating your limits can prevent further manipulation. For example, if a partner frequently interrupts, articulating your need for speaking time can foster respect.

In addition, engaging in self-care practices—like journaling, exercising, or pursuing hobbies—strengthens emotional resilience. These activities help ground you and foster a sense of identity outside the relationship.

Professional Support and Therapy Options

Seeking professional support can be transformative. Therapy offers a safe space to process emotions and develop coping strategies. Options might include:

1. Individual treatment: To address personal trauma.
2. Support groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can be beneficial.

By reaching out for help, individuals empower themselves to break free from the cycle of narcissistic behavior and begin healing.

You may have observed that some people prioritize their time and convenience over everyone else’s, including yours. They could cancel plans at the last minute, show up late without explanations, or alter their plans based on what works best for them.

Conclusion

Importance of Self-Awareness in Relationships

Developing self-awareness is essential for navigating relationships. Individuals can better protect themselves by understanding one’s emotions and recognizing unhealthy patterns. For instance, reflecting on past behaviors can help identify triggers and establish healthier dynamics in future relationships.

Empowerment through Knowledge and Action

Knowledge is a powerful tool. By educating oneself about narcissistic behaviors, individuals can empower themselves to take action. This might involve setting boundaries, seeking support, or even leaving toxic relationships. Remember, you have the right to prioritize your well-being and happiness, making informed choices that lead to healthier, more fulfilling connections

How to Recognize and Navigate Interactions with Deceptive People

Awareness of certain traits hinting at someone’s deceptive nature is essential. Below are some essential points to consider when you suspect someone might be lying or manipulating.

1. Understand That Lying Is Second Nature to Them
2. Recognize Patterns: If you notice that lying is as easy for someone as breathing, tread carefully.
3. Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, it probably is. Trust your gut feelings.

Manipulation is the art of controlling or influencing someone subtly or deceitfully, often for personal gain or to fulfill a self-centered goal. This behavior, deeply entrenched in psychological practices, involves actions intended to sway or dominate another person, typically through underhanded means.

The adjective manipulative is derived from the Latin manus, meaning “hand,” pointing to the original concept of skillfully handling objects. Today, it refers to employing covert strategies to achieve one’s desires, frequently harming others. In daily life, it’s not uncommon to encounter individuals who skillfully use manipulation, exerting influence over others to meet their ends.

Such master manipulators are often characterized by distinct traits and utilize a variety of tactics to accomplish their objectives. Recognizing these elements is essential for identifying and safeguarding yourself against manipulative influences.

By understanding these concepts, you’ll be prepared to spot and counteract manipulative behavior, thereby retaining autonomy over your decisions and life.

Characteristics of a Master Manipulator

Charm and Charisma

Master manipulators are often endowed with an extraordinary ability to charm and captivate those around them. They project an image of sincerity, compassion, and allure, leveraging these qualities to foster a misleading sense of trust and safety. This charm, however, is not heartfelt but a strategic maneuver to secure a dominant position in relationships. Through love-bombing, which includes a barrage of compliments, praise, and affection, they swiftly forge a deep emotional connection, rendering you more vulnerable to their sway.

Emotional Leverage

Emotional leverage is a critical instrument in the manipulator’s toolkit. They excel at pinpointing and exploiting your vulnerabilities, fears, and insecurities. By inducing feelings of guilt, anxiety, or inadequacy, they can steer your actions and decisions. Manipulators may invoke ethical principles, such as notions of humanity or charity, to guilt-trip you into complying with their demands. Furthermore, recalling past favors or assistance creates a sense of indebtedness, compelling you to acquiesce to their wishes.

Deception and Lies

Deception is a fundamental trait of master manipulators. They regularly lie, create excuses, and intentionally twist facts to serve their purposes. Their manipulation often includes exaggeration, generalization, and the selective sharing of information to construct a narrative that supports their goals. By using gaslighting techniques, they may deny past agreements or discussions, making you question your memory and sanity. Their ability to present logical yet contradictory arguments and actions adds to the complexity, making it difficult to distinguish between truth and falsehood.

Psychological Impact of Being Manipulated

Impact on Mental Health

Being manipulated can have profound and lasting effects on an individual’s mental health. Chronic manipulation, particularly in intimate relationships, can lead to severe mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation.

Victims of manipulation often feel guilt, shame, and self-doubt. They may adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms and consistently try to please the manipulative person, even at the cost of their own well-being. Manipulation can undermine a person’s self-esteem, leading them to question their perceptions, memories, and sanity. This can result in a lack of confidence in their decision-making abilities and an increased fear of abandonment.

The psychological toll of manipulation can also manifest as post-traumatic stress, with victims experiencing symptoms such as hypervigilance, flashbacks, and an exaggerated startle response.

The constant emotional turmoil and stress can lead to physical health issues as well, such as sleep disorders, digestive problems, and a weakened immune system.

Effects on Personal Relationships

Manipulation can significantly deteriorate the health of personal relationships. In romantic relationships, manipulation can lead to feelings of being bullied, isolated, or worthless. It can cause one partner to feel trapped and helpless while the other partner maintains control through various manipulative tactics.

In friendships and family relationships, manipulation can create toxic dynamics where one person uses guilt, coercion, or emotional blackmail to extract favors or control the other’s actions. This can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication, ultimately causing the relationship to become unsustainable. Manipulation can also make it difficult for the victim to form healthy relationships in the future, as they may struggle with trust issues and a fear of being exploited again.

Recovery and Building Resilience

Recovering from the effects of manipulation requires significant time, effort, and often professional help. Victims must recognize the manipulative behavior and acknowledge the harm it has caused.

Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist can provide a safe space to process emotions and develop strategies to rebuild self-esteem and confidence. Setting firm boundaries and learning to assert oneself are key steps in recovery. Victims need to understand that they have the power to refuse engagement with manipulative behavior and should not feel obligated to please the manipulator at their own expense.

Creating a healthy distance from the manipulator and engaging in self-care activities can help heal. Building resilience involves validating emotions, recognizing personal strengths, and developing a support system. It is essential to stay focused on the central issues and not get sidetracked by the manipulator’s attempts to deflect or minimize their behavior.

By staying grounded in reality and maintaining a clear understanding of what is happening, victims can rebuild their lives and move forward from the manipulation.

Recap

Recap: Recognizing and understanding the tactics of a master manipulator is essential for protecting your mental health and personal relationships. Remember that manipulators often use charm, emotional leverage, and deception to control others. Be wary of gaslighting, love bombing, and isolation tactics that can erode your self-esteem and trust in yourself.

Recovering from manipulation involves seeking support, setting firm boundaries, and rebuilding self-confidence. It is essential to validate your emotions and recognize the manipulative behavior for what it is. Take action by educating yourself and others about manipulative behaviors, and do not hesitate to seek professional help when needed. By staying informed and vigilant, you can protect yourself and those around you from the harmful effects of manipulation.

Anxious people tend to perceive their world in a more threatening way. That is, the more anxious a person is, the more likely they are to notice threatening things around them. This is called the threat bias.

Some researchers believe that the threat bias makes it harder for people to get rid of anxiety disorders because they get stuck in a loop – they feel anxious, they start noticing threatening things in their environment, and this in turn makes them even more anxious.

However, the threat bias isn’t just something that people with anxiety disorders experience. Everyone can have trouble keeping worrying thoughts and feelings of anxiety out of their minds. And there are things you can do to make it easier for your brain to inhibit worrying thoughts.

Why inhibition is good for you
Scientists think the threat bias exists because anxiety affects our inhibition, which is our ability to stop thoughts or behaviors from happening. A person with good inhibition, for example, would be better at refusing dessert when trying to diet, because they have an easier time inhibiting that behavior. Our ability to inhibit depends on our ability to pay attention and stay focused. When people are really anxious, inhibition becomes difficult.

Having trouble focusing your mind can make it harder to inhibit certain thoughts. For instance, children and adults with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have difficulties with attention and inhibition. Imagine putting a dish of candy in front of a group of children and telling them not to touch any. While some children won’t eat the candy, children (or even adults) with ADHD would find this more difficult because they would have a harder time inhibiting this behavior.

In fact, this is why medications like Ritalin or Adderall are helpful in managing ADHD. These drugs are psychostimulants, which means they provide the attention boost people with ADHD need in order to decrease certain problem behaviors and help improve concentration.

Don’t let yourself be misled. Understand issues with help from experts
Searching for danger
But what about anxiety? Well, some researchers think that increased anxiety makes our brains search for danger.

Imagine being home alone, hearing a creak or a strange noise, and expecting a burglar to jump out at any second. This adaptation is useful because it ensures that you are ready in case there really is someone sneaking up the stairs. Overusing this system, however, can mean that people are anxious all the time, leading to fatigue, racing thoughts, and physical symptoms of anxiety like restlessness, insomnia or irritability.

But most of the time, a creak is just a creak, not a burglar about to leap out of the shadows. But what is the cost if you always feel this anxious? Researchers have found that people who are more anxious tend to have poorer inhibition, which means they have a harder time stopping anxious thoughts.

When this threat-detection system goes into overdrive it can cause serious problems and significantly deteriorate how well people function: like flashbacks in post-traumatic stress disorder or intrusive thoughts in obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Measuring inhibition
In our lab we had participants complete something called a Go/No-Go task. We presented a series of letters on a computer screen and the participant’s job was to press the space key only when they saw the letter X, which occurred 75% of the time.

People often made mistakes and pressed the space key when they saw letters other than X. This gave us a way of measuring of how well people were able to inhibit their response to press the space key when other letters came up (i.e., the No-Gos).

We also measured our participants’ social anxiety using a questionnaire, and measured their threat bias using a visual perception task.

We found a link between a person’s level of social anxiety, their level of threat bias and their inhibitory ability. People who were more anxious tended to have poorer inhibition and this poorer inhibition was associated with a greater threat bias. This supports the argument that anxious people are unable to keep threatening thoughts from entering their conscious awareness.

Keeping worry at bay
So what does this mean for you? Anxious thoughts often pop into our heads. What our research suggests is that improving our brain’s ability to inhibit thoughts and behaviors should also help with keeping out worrying thoughts. Think back to that creaky house. If you were able to inhibit those worrying thoughts a bit better, you would be less likely to jump to the conclusion that a burglar is in the house every time you hear a noise.

One way to help your inhibitory ability is to get enough sleep. People who are overtired don’t have the attention or focus needed for proper inhibition. If you are lacking a few hours of sleep each night, you will be less likely to inhibit worrying thoughts from entering your mind.

Exercise helps, too. In previous research, we discovered that just 10 minutes of exercise or relaxation techniques led to people to perceive their world as less threatening.

Alcohol might initially help you fall asleep, but it can disrupt or delay rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. This part of our sleep cycle is associated with dreaming and with forming memories. Therefore, your cognitive abilities will typically be much stronger after a night where you didn’t drink (but you knew that, right?).

Worrying thoughts are easier to battle if you are at least on a level playing field. So try and rest up! Get some exercise! And next time you start to worry, consider whether those thoughts are really crossing your mind because the phone bill could mean life or death, or whether you are exhausted and just can’t keep those thoughts away.

• PhD Candidate in Clinical Psychology, Queen’s University, Ontario

Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a simple and effective deep breathing technique that can help reduce stress, increase focus, and promote relaxation. It’s often used by athletes, military personnel, and individuals managing stress or anxiety.

Here’s how it works:

Steps for Box Breathing

1. Inhale: Breathe slowly and deeply through your nose for a count of 4.
2. Hold: Hold your breath for a count of 4.
3. Exhale: Breathe slowly and fully through your mouth for a count of 4.
4. Hold: Hold your breath again for a count of 4.

Repeat this cycle 4-5 times or briefly until you feel calmer.

Benefits of Box Breathing

• Reduces stress: Activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming the body and mind.
• Enhances focus: Improves attention and concentration.
• Improves lung function: Encourages full use of the lungs, promoting better oxygen exchange.
• Grounds you: Helps bring you into the present moment, especially useful in high-stress situations.

Whenever you feel overwhelmed, try box breathing! It’s an excellent way to bring some calm into your day and can be a lovely daily practice for mindfulness and relaxation.

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Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone makes another person question their reality, often used in thrillers, dramas, and psychological horror films. Here are some of the best movies that explore gaslighting:

Classic & Iconic Films

1. Gaslight (1944) – The original gaslighting movie! A husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity.

1. Rebecca (1940) – A young woman is psychologically tormented by her husband’s housekeeper, who manipulates her into believing she’ll never measure up to his deceased first wife.

Psychological Thrillers

1. Gone Girl (2014) – A wife fakes her own disappearance to frame her husband, twisting reality and public perception.
2. The Girl on the Train (2016) – A woman with memory gaps is manipulated into doubting her own experiences.
3. What Lies Beneath (2000) – A husband makes his wife question supernatural occurrences to hide a dark secret.
4. The Invisible Man (2020) – A woman escapes an abusive relationship, but her supposedly dead ex continues to torment her—while no one believes her.
5. Black Swan (2010) – A ballerina is manipulated by those around her, leading to paranoia and psychological
6. Side Effects (2013) – A psychological thriller where a woman is made to believe she’s mentally ill for sinister reasons.

Psychological Horror & Drama

1. Rosemary’s Baby (1968) – A woman is isolated and manipulated by those around her as they gaslight her into believing she’s imagining things.
2. Hereditary (2018) – A woman is driven to madness by her family’s dark past and manipulations.
3. Shutter Island (2010) – A detective investigates a mysterious asylum, but is he the one being manipulated?
4. Misery (1990) – A writer is held captive and manipulated by his obsessive fan.

Dark Comedies & Dramas

1. Sleeping with the Enemy (1991) – A woman fakes her death to escape her abusive, manipulative husband.

1. Mother! (2017) – A surreal horror-drama where a woman is emotionally and mentally tormented by her husband and strangers.
2. The Stepford Wives (1975 & 2004) – A town’s men secretly replace women with robotic versions, making real wives feel paranoid and delusional.

These films masterfully depict gaslighting, creating suspense, tension, and psychological unease. Which one interests you the most?

Shake Up Your Routine

Establishing a regular schedule can be beneficial for reducing stress and allowing you to feel more in control. Kerry Kinney, PhD, a psychologist and assistant professor at the Osher Center for Integrative Health at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, shares with SELF, “However, at times, routines can begin to feel repetitive.” Dr. Gallagher explains that varying your routine can change your perspective and allow you to see things differently. It can also stimulate your brain to release dopamine, a pleasure-related neurotransmitter. She highlights that this positive effect can occur when you engage in new activities. You don’t have to abandon your schedule to experience this effect completely; even minor changes, like taking a different route to work or trying a new coffee in the morning, can make a difference.

According to Dr. Shen, another advantage of this technique is that it encourages flexible thinking. As a result, if you encounter unexpected situations in the future, you may find it easier to manage them positively since you’ve trained yourself to approach things from alternative perspectives.

Concentrate on the Present Moment

People often tend to obsess about the future. Dr. Gallagher notes that individuals frequently view situations negatively when something unfortunate occurs. For this reason, Dr. Shen suggests trying to stay present and actively involved in your actions. She advises, “Focus on how thoroughly and actively you participate in activities instead of merely going through the motions.” Consider changing the question from “How productive was I?” to “What enjoyable moments did I experience?”

Changing your perspective in this way can help redirect your focus to the enjoyable experiences you’ve had, such as sharing a funny moment with a friend or successfully reserving a spot in a frequently booked gym class. Reflecting on these positive events can serve as a reminder that your day also includes terrific moments. Dr. Gallagher states, “It’s impactful to acknowledge the positive moments you can easily recall consciously.”

If you’ve tried lemonading and it doesn’t seem to resonate with you, that’s perfectly fine—Dr. Gallagher emphasizes that you shouldn’t pressure yourself to feel happier. Remember that this process can take varying amounts of time for different individuals. Dr. Shen notes that the goal isn’t just to have more positive thoughts but to cultivate the capacity to actively envision and seek out positive opportunities while remaining realistically aware of potential obstacles. The strategies mentioned earlier can assist you in making this mental shift, increasing your likelihood of recognizing and welcoming positive aspects in the future.

According to Dr. Brier, engaging in self-care and interacting with others, as you have been all week, can boost your mood or help you return to a more neutral state instead of remaining sad. She notes that staying indoors could prevent you from taking a break from your thoughts. She advises taking actions that are contrary to feelings of prolonged sadness. This means you might want to dress up and attend a party, even if you’d prefer to stay home and binge-watch Netflix.

Diffusing potential danger enhances individual and public safety.

Key points

• Security, healthcare, or any public employee may encounter persons in distress.
• Effective interpersonal communication includes listening, validation, and open body language.
• Online emotional de-escalation involves empathy, authenticity, and verbal accommodation.

Many people, within the course of their employment, encounter individuals who potentially pose a threat to themselves or others. This dilemma is faced by security professionals, healthcare practitioners, law enforcement, or anyone with a public-facing job where they interact with customers. Although mental health specialists are in the best position to address underlying conditions, all individuals who contact persons in crisis have the opportunity, assuming the proper training, to de-escalate emotion and behavior.

De-Escalating In-Person

Jill E. Spielfogel and J. Curtis McMillen (2017) examined de-escalation strategies across different professions.[i] Frequently discussed in mental health settings, they note that de-escalation is an important practice within the field of law enforcement, nursing, and even customer service. Surveying 56 professionals with expertise in de-escalation about practical strategies they used to assist people in distress, they found areas of commonality, noting that across professions, communication, listening, validation, and body language, were highly important for effective de-escalation.

Managing Emotion Online

Margot van Mulken (2024) explored verbal de-escalation techniques that have been successful when used by webcare employees working with online complainants.[ii] The 13 linguistic and rhetorical features she identified that facilitated de-escalation were grouped into three categories: empathy, authenticity, and verbal accommodation.

Empathy was defined as including expressions of gratitude, positive evaluations and expressions of sympathy that transmit an attitude of building rapport. Authenticity emphasizes the human, personalized element of response, which increases perceived credibility and trustworthiness, which transmits sincerity, and which may help disarm the recipient. Van Mulken identified accommodation as a third dimension that emphasizes the closeness of the employee to the customer through emphasizing common ground, stimulating dialogue, and encouraging further contact, allowing an employee to build a relationship through prolonged interaction.

This type of research, as well as practical experience, informs relational approaches to behavioral management.

5 Behavioral Management Strategies for Success

1. Examine personal background to decide what type of approach to take with each subject, considering age, family, living situation, and any demographic factors that may impact receptiveness to professional intervention. Offers of assistance are uniquely appealing to certain subjects in need of basic resources such as food and shelter.
2. Strategize safe methods of physically approaching potentially dangerous people in crisis (after having notified law enforcement if appropriate), considering visible signs of emotional distress as well as substance use—which requires training in detecting relevant symptomology.
3. Develop specific ways to use conversation to address negative emotions surrounding a currently perceived injustice or grievance. Use a pre-planned selection of words and phrases accompanied by a calm tone of voice to convey compassion and empathy to ensure the encounter is a conversation, not an interrogation.
4. Standardize a foundational list of protective factors such as occupation, friends, family, and faith to incorporate into conversation when engaging an individual in crisis. Appealing to positive influence and healthy relationships will assist in redirection.
5. Use openbody language such as nodding, soft eye contact, and leaning forward while listening to comfort a speaker in distress. This calm, non-emotional approach does not suggest indifference, which can be insulting, but genuine interest

Even when security, law enforcement, or mental health professionals are already on the way, using approachable, engaging, situationally appropriate tools, tactics, and techniques can equip professionals in a variety of situations to assist in de-escalating persons of concern and facilitate peaceful resolution.

References

[i] Spielfogel, Jill E., and J. Curtis McMillen. 2017. “Current Use of De-Escalation Strategies: Similarities and Differences in de-Escalation across Professions.” Social Work in Mental Health 15 (3): 232–48. doi:10.1080/15332985.2016.1212774.

[ii] van Mulken, Margot. 2024. “What Verbal De-Escalation Techniques Are Used in Complaint Handling?” Journal of Pragmatics 220 (January): 116–31. doi:10.1016/j.pragma.2023.12.008.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.

Online:

wendypatrickphd.com, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter

Published by Permission

The term “toxic positivity” has received a good deal of attention lately. Coming off the back of the “positivity movement” we are beginning to recognise while feeling happy is a good thing, overemphasising the importance of a positive attitude can backfire, ironically leading to more unhappiness.

Yes, research shows happier people tend to live longer, be healthier and enjoy more successful lives. And “very happy people” have more of these benefits relative to only averagely happy people. But pursued in certain ways, happiness or positivity can become toxic.

Our research, published in The Journal of Positive Psychology and involving almost 500 people, was inspired by these apparently inconsistent findings – pursuing happiness may be both good and bad for our well-being. We aimed to uncover a key ingredient that turns positivity toxic.

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Expecting the best, feeling worse

Some studies have shown that when people place a high value on their own happiness it can lead to less happiness, especially in contexts where they most expect to feel happy.

This tendency to expect happiness and then to feel disappointed or to blame oneself for not feeling happy enough, has been linked to greater depressive symptoms and deficits in well-being.

As the line to a cartoon by Randy Glasbergen depicting a patient confessing to his psychologist puts it:

I am very, very happy. But I want to be very, very, very happy, and that is why I’m miserable.

However, researchers have also observed when people prioritise behaviours that maximise the likelihood of their future happiness – rather than attempting to directly increase their levels of happiness “in the moment” – they are more likely to experience improvements (rather than deficits) in their levels of well-being.

This may mean engaging in activities that provide a sense of achievement or purpose, such as volunteering time or completing difficult tasks, or constructing daily routines that support well-being.

This work suggests pursuing happiness indirectly, rather than making it the main focus, could turn our search for positivity from toxic to tonic.

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Read more: Coronavirus: tiny moments of pleasure really can help us through this stressful time

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Valuing happiness vs. prioritising positivity

We wanted to find out what it was about making happiness a focal goal that backfires.

To gain a better understanding, we measured these two approaches to finding happiness: valuing happiness versus prioritising positivity.

People who valued happiness agreed with statements such as “I am concerned about my happiness even when I feel happy” or “If I don’t feel happy, maybe there is something wrong with me”.

People who prioritised positivity agreed with statements such as “I structure my day to maximise my happiness” or “I look for and nurture my positive emotions”.

We also included a measure of the extent to which people feel uncomfortable with their negative emotional experiences. To do this, we asked for responses to statements like: “I see myself as failing in life when feeling depressed or anxious” or “I like myself less when I feel depressed or anxious”.

People who expected to feel happy (scoring high on valuing happiness), also tended to see their negative emotional states as a sign of failure in life and lacked acceptance of these emotional experiences. This discomfort with negative emotions partly explained why they had lower levels of well-being.

On the other hand, people who pursued happiness indirectly (scoring high on prioritising positivity), did not see their negative emotional states this way. They were more accepting of low feelings and did not see them as a sign they were failing in life.

What this shows is when people believe they need to maintain high levels of positivity or happiness all the time to make their lives worthwhile, or to be valued by others, they react poorly to their negative emotions. They struggle with these feelings or try to avoid them, rather than accept them as a normal part of life.

Pursuing happiness indirectly does not lead to this same reaction. Feeling down or stressed is not inconsistent with finding happiness.

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What makes positivity toxic?

So, it appears the key ingredient in toxic positivity is not positivity itself, after all. Rather, it is how a person’s attitude to happiness leads them to respond to negative experiences in life.

The prospect of experiencing pain, failure, loss, or disappointment in life is unavoidable. There are times we are going to feel depressed, anxious, fearful, or lonely. This is a fact. What matters is how we respond to these experiences. Do we lean into them and accept them for what they are, or do we try to avoid and escape from them?

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If we are aiming to be happy all the time then we might feel tough times are interrupting our goal. But if we simply put a priority on positivity, we are less concerned by these feelings – we see them as an ingredient in the good life and part of the overall journey.

Rather than always trying to “turn a frown upside down”, we are more willing to sit with our low or uncomfortable emotions and understand that doing so will, in the long run, make us happy.

Learning to respond rather than react to these emotions is a key enabler of our happiness.

Our reaction to discomfort is often to get away and to reduce the pain. This might mean we employ ineffective emotion regulation strategies such as avoiding or suppressing unpleasant feelings.

If we do, we fail to engage with the insights an unpleasant experiences bring. Responding well to these experiences means getting “discomfortable” – being comfortable with our discomfort. Then we can be willing to feel what we feel and get curious about why those feeling are there. Taking this response allows us to increase our understanding, see our choices, and make better decisions.

As the saying goes: “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”.

Brock Bastian

Professor, Melbourne School of Psychological Sciences, The University of MelbourneA