Romance is a road lined with rose petals as well as relational rifts. When a couple encounters trouble in paradise, which is inevitable at some point, restoring harmony might begin with an apology, but ongoing affection and positive affect matter as well. Successful couples utilize positive post-conflict resolution strategy which requires both talking and listening. Research explains.
Siri Wilder et al. (2024), in a piece entitled “But I Said I’m Sorry,” examined the effectiveness of romantic couples’ post-conflict reconciliation efforts.[i] They sought to investigate how positive and negative communication during conflict discussions impacted two strategies for reconciling: Active Repair and Letting Go. They describe Active Repair as making intentional efforts to enjoy positive time together, express affection, apologize, and forgive. Letting Go involves deciding to drop the conflict, viewing the value of the relationship as more important than the issues raised in the conflict, and as many couples can relate to: agreeing to disagree.
Studying 217 heterosexual cohabiting couples, Wilder et al. found that daily negative conflict behavior, such as contemptuous communication and conflict expansion, did not improve attempts at reconciliation, nor did habitual negative conflict behavior. But there was good news. Wilder et al. found that daily positive conflict behavior, such as attentive listening, improved attempts at reconciliation. They conclude that a couple’s ability to sustain positive behavior during daily conflict may be the most promising method of supporting subsequent efforts to reconcile and reconnect.
When it comes to post-conflict recovery, partners can mend fences through attitude, affection, and affect. Wilder et al. note that hostile and frustrating communication during conflict conversations predict marital distress and divorce, where humor and warmth ease the road to reconciliation. These observations make practical sense to most couples, who are usually aware which category they fall into with respect to post-conflict behavioral patterns.
On one side of the spectrum, some partners dread post-conflict conversation, afraid that lingering negativity might re-ignite the dispute. On the other hand, many couples have developed strategies to rebound through resilience, either through affection, distraction, or the use of humor. But in all cases, post-conflict rebounding must include not only talking but listening.
All partners are aware that post-conflict reconciliation predicts individual and relationship well-being. The ability to shake off disagreement and dissention is an important ability that helps both partners move forward without experiencing the negative emotion of holding a grudge.
Although many couples regroup through talking, productive conversation also requires turn-taking. In their research, Wilder et al. concluded that the success of reconciliation efforts was not linked with variations in typical negative conflict behavior, but with attentive listening during conflict. It appears that in addition to active listening’s important role in building rapport, it is also a component of re-building rapport.
With an intentional counter-conflict relational maintenance plan, couples can hope for the best but plan for the inevitable. Smart strategy can revive romance and restore harmony by reminding partners they are better together.
References
[i] Wilder, Siri, Karen J. Prager, and Srikar Garapati. 2024. “But I Said I’m Sorry: Helpfulness of Romantic Couples’ Efforts to Reconcile after Conflict.” Personal Relationships 31 (3): 836–54. doi:10.1111/pere.12565.
Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Red Flags, and co-author of Reading People.
The articles on Fitnesshacksforlife.org website is provided for reference purposes only, A public resource you can use for free. You should not take them as the sole source of medical direction. Fitnesshacksforlife.org does not accept payments or incentives from any of the individuals or organizations named in the articles, and the articles are not an endorsement of those parties or their products or practices. Do not ever disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in any manner seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on our site or social media. Fitness Hacks For Life is a registered 501(c)(3) non-profit organization, eligible to receive donations under the laws of the United States of America.
Understanding Narcissistic Behaviors in Relationships Narcissistic behaviors can profoundly affect interpersonal dynamics. Understanding these traits is crucial for emotional well-being.
Research on stalking reveals the fuel that kindles dangerous fire. A critical factor underlying the persistence of stalking behavior is
Why you can’t just do it, and what to do instead You are Not Lazy or Undisciplined. You Have Internal
If you feel suicidal, call or text the helpline: 988
