Should I stay with my partner who is impossible to live with?

My partner barks orders at me, is rude and condescending, and when things heat up he uses profanity and calls me names. He does things that can be very selfish, and if I complain he says I’m being “toxic”. He rarely says he’s sorry and is uninterested in counseling.

Here are the reasons I have stayed with him to date:

1) I don’t want another failed marriage,

2) We have a kid together and for her sake I don’t want to break our family apart,

3) He is very smart, can be fun, and we share values,

4) He is the primary breadwinner so I’d have to go back to full time work, and

5) We are both in our early 50’s and that feels like a pretty advanced age to give up and try to start over.”

1. Another failed relationship

Is staying in a failed relationship better than leaving it? We all make mistakes and face different challenges in our lives. Life is about learning from our experiences and transforming ourselves and our relationships for the better. Ask yourself whether staying in a failed relationship is better than leaving it when there is very little hope for joy, mutual growth, and deepening love.

2. Staying together for the children

Staying in an abusive relationship is not good for you or your daughter. In contrast, having the courage to seek a better life can be of great benefit to your child. It is a gift to show your daughter that you can set clear boundaries, that you have the self-respect to expect better treatment, and that you will take action to improve your life.

It may be helpful to explain the situation to your child, without unnecessarily disparaging your husband. There is no need to go into great detail, especially if the child is young. For example, you might say:

“You probably have noticed that we have great difficultly talking to each other without arguing. There will be disagreements in any relationship. But in our case, we are hurting each other constantly and unnecessarily. Since your dad is unwilling to go to counseling, I have decided to leave the relationship. But we both love you and life will go on and eventually improve.”

You may be surprised by her reaction, if not immediately, then down the road. If your partner is as abusive as you say then she may thank you for the separation.

3. My partner has good qualities. What is the magic ratio?

Something attracted you to each other in the first place, and it is good to still be able to see his positive qualities. The question to ask yourself is whether your relationship reaches the magic ratio — that is, a minimum of five positive interactions to every one negative interaction (found through John Gottman’s research.) When that magic ratio is not reached, the relationship will spiral out of control toward misery.

4. Financial considerations and going back to work

For many people, financial security is a very serious consideration. Yet independence from an abusive relationship is well worth your going back to full-time work. As a capable and thoughtful person, I am sure you will find work and thereby become more independent and also attract more positive people into your orbit. In fact, working can be the most liberating and rewarding experience you can have outside your relationship. Whether you stay together or not, working can expand your life and social network, which can enhance your self-respect and courage.

5. Too old to start over

You say that you are hesitant to end your relationship because you are in your fifties. But consider that you could easily live for another 35 or 40 years. Even if you only had another five years, your best years are likely ahead of you given your current circumstances. People can have new relationships, learn, grow, and find joy and happiness in many ways later in life. I know many people who are physically and mentally active well into their 80’s and 90’s.

Now that your husband is spending more time at home, ask yourself whether things are improving and will continue to do so, or not. Ask yourself whether you will be able to enjoy your life more in the next 30–40 years with him at your side or without him? What you have described is an abusive relationship, so I suspect the answer would be the latter.

It is laudable that you are taking responsibility for your part in the conflicts between the two of you. You can continue to work on becoming a more effective communicator and focus more on controlling your own life.

If you do leave your husband, there is no need to blame him or to be hostile. If you can, try to explain the situation in a “nonviolent” way in person or in a letter (see Marshall Rosenberg.) Here is an example,

“We have many values in common, I enjoy your wit and intelligence, and most importantly, we have a wonderful daughter. However, I need to be able to communicate with my partner in a loving way, to share joy, and to find ways to grow together. I feel distressed and frustrated that we rarely can talk with one another without fighting. I want to be in a relationship where there is mutual respect, curiosity and love. I’m sure you have noticed it too that our relationship is no longer a happy one — for either of us. We may find a way to resolve our ongoing problems by counseling, but if you aren’t willing to try, it’s best that we separate. It makes me very sad. I certainly don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t foresee continuing in the way we have been.”

by Alison Poulsen, PhD

Unparented girls are those who lack parental guidance or support. They may have lost their parents due to death, abandonment, or other circumstances, or they may have never had parents in the first place. These girls are often left to fend for themselves and face numerous challenges.

Without the guidance and protection of parents, unparented girls are vulnerable to a range of risks, including abuse, neglect, and exploitation. They may lack the resources and support needed to thrive, and as a result, they may struggle with issues such as poverty, low self-esteem, and mental health problems.

Unfortunately, unparented girls are attractive to men who prey on their vulnerability. These men may seek power, control, or dominance over someone easy to manipulate and exploit. Unparented girls may also be seen as “damaged goods” by some men struggling with issues such as low self-esteem or lacking social skills.

In some cases, the men who are attr unparented girls may use grooming tactics to gain their trust and manipulate them into harmful or dangerous situations, including sexual exploitation, trafficking, or other forms of abuse.

Unparented girls are vulnerable because they lack the guidance and support of their parents. Parents play an important role in the lives of children, providing them with a sense of safety, security, and stability. They also teach children valuable life skills, such as problem-solving, decision-making, and interpersonal communication. Without parents, unparented girls may struggle to develop these skills and may be more vulnerable to the risks and challenges of life.

Being unparented can have a significant emotional and psychological impact on girls. They may experience feelings of loneliness, abandonment, and insecurity, leading to low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. They may also struggle with mental health issues like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These emotional and psychological challenges can make it difficult for unparented girls to form healthy relationships, make good decisions, and navigate the complexities of life.

Unparented girls may also be vulnerable because they feel small and insignificant. They may lack a sense of purpose or direction and struggle to find their place in the world. This can make them more susceptible to the attention and advances of men seeking to exploit their vulnerability. They may also be more likely to engage in risky behaviors, such as substance abuse or promiscuity, to cope with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

Certain men may be attracted to unparented girls because they perceive them as more vulnerable and easier to manipulate and control. These men may desire power and control in their relationships and see unparented girls as an opportunity to fulfill this need. They may use tactics such as emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and coercion to control the behavior and decisions of unparented girls.

In some cases, certain men may exhibit predatory behavior towards unparented girls, using grooming tactics to gain their trust and establish a relationship. Grooming tactics may involve building a rapport with the girl, flattering her, and making her feel special. Over time, the man may escalate the relationship to include sexual activity or other forms of exploitation. This predatory behavior can devastate unparented girls, leading to emotional trauma and long-term psychological damage.

Finally, certain types of men may be attracted to unparented girls because they need power and dominance in their relationships. These men may be seeking control over someone who they per they perceive as more vulnerable than themselves. They may enjoy the feeling of dominance that comes from being in a relationship with someone younger or less experienced. However, this desire for power and dominance can lead to abusive or exploitative behavior, causing harm to unparented girls.

“Certain types of men are attuned to unparented girls, ones who won’t make a fuss, who have already been conditioned to feel small. It was like ringing a dinner gong for predators.” (Ellison)

The media has reported on numerous cases where unparented girls have been targeted by certain types of men. These high-profile cases often involve celebrities or public figures accused of sexual misconduct or exploitation. For example, the case of Jeffrey Epstein, a wealthy financier, and convicted sex offender, involved the grooming and exploitation of numerous unparented girls over many years. Similarly, the case of R. Kelly, a well-known musician, involved allegations of sexual abuse and exploitation of underage girls.

In addition to high-profile cases in the media, there are countless real-life stories from survivors of abuse and exploitation who have experienced the harm caused by certain types of men attracted to unparented girls. These stories often involve situations where the girls were manipulated or coerced into engaging in sexual activity or other forms of exploitation. Many survivors report long-term emotional and psychological damage due to their experiences.

The prevalence of cases where unparented girls are targeted by certain types of men has significantly impacted the perception of these girls. Many people now recognize the vulnerability of unparented girls and the need to protect them from harm. However, there is still a stigma attached to being unparented, and some people may still view these girls as somehow responsible for the harm they have experienced. It is important to continue to raise appraising the issue and to promote a more compassionate and supportive approach towards unparented girls who are at exploitation and abused.

Unparented girls are a vulnerable group often targeted by certain types of men. It is crucial to recognize the importance of protecting them from these predators. This can be achieved through increased awareness and education on the issue, as well as intervention and support. We must understand the emotional and psychological impact of being unparented and work towards providing them with the guidance and support they need.

Our responsibility as a society is to take action and prevent the exploitation and abuse of unparented girls. We can make a difference and create a safer world with the right tools and resources.

Creating a clear plan is essential for your physical and emotional well-being as you exit a toxic or abusive dynamic. After establishing safety, specialized therapy is crucial for healing from the emotional damage and breaking cycles of unhealthy attachment.

Part 1: Your Personalized Safety Plan

A safety plan is a dynamic, customized strategy designed to increase your safety while you are preparing to leave, during the exit, and immediately after.

1. Pre-Exit Logistical Checklist

Complete these steps discreetly and store the results outside your home, where your partner cannot find them (e.g., at work, a friend’s house, or a secure cloud account).

• Documents & IDs: Gather originals or copies of passports, driver’s licenses, birth certificates, social security cards, insurance cards, medical records, and deeds/leases.
• Financial Records: Collect bank account information, credit card numbers, and evidence of shared or hidden debt. Consider opening a new bank account in your name only, at a different bank, using a P.O. box or your work address instead of your home address.
• The “Go Bag”: Pack a small bag with critical items, including keys, cash, medication, a change of clothes, and a pre-paid “burner” phone, if possible. Leave this bag with a trusted person.
• Code Word: Establish a code word (e.g., “The movie starts now”) with two to three trusted friends or family members. If you text or say the code word, they know to call the police or come immediately to extract you.

2. Digital Safety and Security

Toxic partners frequently monitor and control communication. Locking down your digital life is crucial.

• Change All Passwords: Change every single password for email, banking, social media, and any shared devices (like Netflix or security cameras). Use strong passwords that are not related to your partner or easily guessed.
• Update Device Security: Check your phone and computer settings for tracking apps, keyloggers, or shared location services. Turn off location sharing on all platforms (Find My iPhone, Google Maps).
• Use New Email: Create a new, private email account that your partner knows nothing about for all communication related to your exit (housing, legal aid, therapist appointments). Access this email only from safe devices.
• Clear Browser History: If you must research or communicate at home, use incognito mode or clear your browser history after every session.

3. Safety During and After the Exit

• Public Meeting: If you must speak to them in person, do so in a public place where people are present, or have a trusted friend accompany you (they can wait nearby).
• Law Enforcement: If you fear physical harm, contact the non-emergency police line or a domestic violence agency before leaving. They can often provide a civil standby—a police officer present while you collect your belongings.
• Post-Exit Communication: The No-Contact Rule is mandatory. Block all communication methods. If you share children or property, all necessary communication must go through a mediator, lawyer, or an app like OurFamilyWizard, which logs all messages.
• Inform Key People: Tell your workplace, children’s schools, and gym that you have left the relationship and that your former partner is not authorized to pick you up or receive information about you.

Part 2: Finding a Specialized Trauma Therapist

Recovery from a toxic relationship often involves healing from complex relational trauma. General counseling may not be enough; you need someone who understands the cycle of abuse and manipulation.

1. What to Look for in a Therapist

When searching, look for practitioners who list experience in these key areas:

Area of Specialization	Why it’s Important
Narcissistic Abuse/Coercive Control	They understand the specific manipulation tactics used (gaslighting, blame-shifting) and can validate your reality.
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) or Relational Trauma	Toxic relationships cause trauma from chronic stress, not a single event. A therapist familiar with C-PTSD will focus on regulating your emotional nervous system.
Attachment Theory	They can help you understand your core attachment patterns, ensuring you recognize and avoid similar toxic partners in the future.

2. Effective Search Terms and Modalities

When searching therapist directories (like Psychology Today or your insurance provider’s list), use these keywords:

• Search Keywords: “Relational Trauma,” “Narcissistic Abuse Recovery,” “Co-dependency,” “Trauma-Informed Care,” “C-PTSD.”
• Therapeutic Modalities: Look for these trauma-focused approaches:
  • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Good for breaking negative thought patterns and distorted self-beliefs.
  • Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Highly effective for processing trauma memories and reducing emotional triggers.
  • Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skills: Excellent for learning emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness (setting boundaries).

3. Questions to Ask During the Consultation

When you call a prospective therapist, ask direct questions to gauge their fit:

1. “What is your experience working with clients who have left controlling or emotionally abusive partners?”
2. “What modalities do you primarily use for relational trauma (e.g., EMDR, DBT)?”
3. “How do you approach helping a client rebuild self-trust and establish boundaries?”
4. “Are you familiar with the concept of gaslighting, and how do you help clients recover from that specific form of psychological manipulation?”

By combining this careful preparation with specialized support, you are setting yourself up for a safer exit and a much stronger, healthier future.

Do you need help finding resources like national hotlines for domestic violence, or would you like to start outlining your “Go Bag” contents?

We’ve all been there: an evening with friends, a little too much fun, and suddenly, you find yourself needing to sober up quickly. It’s a common scenario that, while often harmless, can sometimes lead to situations where quick sobriety is not just preferred but necessary. The Healthy @Reader’s Digest consulted with doctors and analyzed recent research to guide you from tipsy to clear-headed.

1. Hydration: The Power of Water

Water is your best friend when it comes to sobering up. As Dr. Zehra Siddiqui, DO, medical director, points out, “Alcohol dehydrates the body, which exacerbates the side effects of drinking.” Hydrating helps dilute the alcohol in your system and speeds up its elimination. Even better, try diluting your alcoholic beverages with carbonated water for a spritzer effect, which not only hydrates but also reduces your overall alcohol intake.

2. Carbonation: A Double-Edged Sword

While a fizzy drink might be refreshing, carbonation can be tricky. A study in 2007 showed that mixing alcohol with carbonated beverages can lead to faster absorption of alcohol in the body. So, if you’re trying to stay on the clearer side of tipsy, it might be best to avoid the bubbles.

3. Enzyme Tablets: The Future of Sobering Up?

Scientists are exploring innovative solutions to fast sobering. At UCLA, a team developed a capsule containing enzymes that mimic the liver’s alcohol-processing function. This treatment significantly decreased blood alcohol levels in mice, suggesting a potential future where a pill could offer a quick sobering effect.

4. Good Carbs: Your Alcohol Sponge

Bread and other high-carb foods can help soak up alcohol, but it’s not just about absorption. These foods can slow down the body’s absorption of alcohol, thus moderating intoxication levels. Dr. Siddiqui advises, “Eating a high-carb diet lowers the ratio of alcohol in your blood and slows absorption.” Meals rich in fats, proteins, or carbs delay gastric emptying, which in turn slows down alcohol absorption.

5. The Clock: Patience is a Virtue

The body takes about an hour to process one standard drink. This means the more you drink, the longer it takes for the alcohol to leave your system. Understanding this can help manage your drinking pace and prevent overconsumption.

Conclusion

Sobering up quickly is often more about mitigating the effects of alcohol rather than eliminating them entirely. The methods outlined here can help, but they are not a substitute for responsible drinking practices. Remember, the best way to avoid having to sober up fast is to drink responsibly in the first place.

3 skills that can help people learn to better control their anger.

KEY POINTS

• Anger is a strong negative emotion that prepares us to fight or confront our enemies.
• Although it’s normal to feel angry at times, over-expressing anger or suppressing it can be detrimental to relationships and health.
• Some tips for managing anger include journaling to better understand what causes anger, reframing angry thoughts and practicing being assertive.

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What Is Anger?

Anger is a strong negative emotion that arises as a result of what we perceive to be a threat or unfair treatment that blocks our goals. This had led some psychologists to propose that anger is simply our response when our “approach motivation“—or pursuit of good things—is blocked (Carver & Harmon-Jones, 2009). Anger is usually directed at others, includes increased physiological activation, and involves changes in our thought processes.

Although anger is considered to be a negative emotion, historical records suggest that it is normal to get at least mildly angry a few times per day to a few times per week (Berkowitz & Harmon-Jones, 2004). That leaves us with a lot of anger floating around. So how do we manage it?

The Importance of Managing Anger

Many negative emotions—emotions like sadness, shame, or fear—make us want to run and hide. But not anger. Anger makes us want to approach—to fight or confront our enemies. That makes anger a unique negative emotion. It’s important that we manage it so that we don’t over-express our anger, but we also have to be careful not to suppress our anger, as that can be bad for us too. Anger appears to be most beneficial when managed and expressed in a controlled, positive manner.

Anger emotions to manage might include:

• Frustration
• Contempt
• Outrage
• Fury
• Bitterness
• Resentment

​

Each of these emotions is thought to be closely related to anger and we may tend towards expressing some of these emotions more than others.

Managing Anger Out

When we think of a cartoon character with a bright red face and steam shooting out of his ears, we are thinking of “anger out.” This type of anger is expressed outwardly. Anger out can lead to challenges in personal relationships and at work. Who wants to be around someone who is yelling and irritable all the time? Anger management may be needed when anger is too frequent, too intense, too prolonged, or managed ineffectively.

Managing Anger In

When we think about managing anger, we don’t usually think about the people who suppress anger. Even if they are fuming from being poked, prodded, and tormented, they don’t respond with anger. Anger suppression, or “anger in,” can also have negative consequences. “Anger in” is related to increased hypertension while anger out is not (Hosseini et al., 2011).

What Triggers Anger?

Research suggests that an attitude of hostility, resentment, and suspiciousness may be related to increased anger (Fives, Kong, Fuller, & DiGiuseppe, 2011). Two other cognitions that lead to anger include awfulizing—or imagining a situation to be as bad as it can possibly be—and low frustration tolerance (Martin & Dahlen, 2004).

Another study among women found that anger was most often triggered by violations of personal values, feelings of powerlessness, and disrespectful treatment. The researchers suggested that women often feel anger when they want something to change, but are unable to make it so or even get people to listen to them. But in this study, women were able to regain a sense of power when using anger to restore justice, respect, and relationship reciprocity (Thomas, Smucker, & Droppleman, 1998).

Anger Management Training

Anger management is generally taught in the classroom. The goal is to share information, provide new perspectives, and help people practice anger management strategies. This approach provides the backdrop to help people empathize, provide feedback, and role-play conflicts.

To manage anger, we likely each benefit from different strategies. For example, those who express their anger too much may need to develop cognitive skills for reframing their experiences and regulating their emotions . On the flip side, those who suppress their anger may need to learn how to communicate their anger more directly.

Techniques for Managing Anger

1. Keep an anger journal: Journaling may help you better understand where your anger comes from and the thought processes that spiral it out of control. So, in your journal, try to explore what it is exactly that is triggering your anger. What thoughts are you having? What emotions are you having? What could you do to resolve your anger?

2. Manage angry thoughts: Try reframing your anger in ways that help you change the things that are bothering you.

3. Speak up for yourself: Practice being assertive, negotiating for yourself, and setting boundaries to reduce feelings of powerlessness.

Anger can be an intense emotion, but it can also be managed. Hopefully, these insights and tips will help you move in the right direction.

Adapted from an article published by The Berkeley Well-Being Institute.

References

Berkowitz, L., & Harmon-Jones, E. (2004). Toward an understanding of the determinants of anger. Emotion, 4(2), 107.

Carver, C. S., & Harmon-Jones, E. (2009). Anger is an approach-related affect: evidence and implications. Psychological bulletin, 135(2), 183.

​Fives, C. J., Kong, G., Fuller, J. R., & DiGiuseppe, R. (2011). Anger, aggression, and irrational beliefs in adolescents. Cognitive therapy and research, 35(3), 199-208.

​Martin, R. C., & Dahlen, E. R. (2004). Irrational beliefs and the experience and expression of anger. Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 22(1), 3-20.

Hosseini, S. H., Mokhberi, V., Mohammadpour, R. A., Mehrabianfard, M., & Lashak, N. B. (2011). Anger expression and suppression among patients with essential hypertension. International journal of psychiatry in clinical practice, 15(3), 214-218.

Thomas, S., Smucker, C., & Droppleman, P. (1998). It hurts most around the heart: A phenomenological exploration of women’s anger. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 28(2), 311-322

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By Dr. Tchiki Davis

This post was previously published on psychologytoday.com.

Take steps to regain control and resilience when you feel helpless.

There are steps you can take when feeling helpless after a stressful situation.

Be realistic with your feelings and allow them to occur.

There are ways to turn helplessness into achievable goals.

Source: Hữu Thanh Cái / Pixabay

When we can’t do anything about a situation, it can be overwhelming. We can feel powerless, or stuck in a situation where we believe you have no control or ability to improve things. When we don’t see a way out, these feelings can compound, making it harder to think clearly or find solutions. The brain may struggle to process complex emotions, leading to feeling “stuck,” which can be frustrating and draining.

Feeling helpless is unsettling. We want to act, solve problems, or find solutions to improve things for ourselves or others. Losing that ability can lead to anger, frustration, sadness, or even despair. You may even want to throw your hands up in the air because you just don’t know what to do to fix the problem. You may feel vulnerable, lost, and confused. It’s a vulnerability that exposes our fears about our ability to cope or adapt since, in the moment, our typical methods for handling stress seem ineffective due to the intensity of our emotions.

Facing a situation that did not go the way we had hoped can feel deeply uncomfortable, which amplifies our anxiety and stress. It is natural to feel disappointed, frustrated, or even disheartened. What we can do about it is to channel those feelings into a sense of empowerment.

5 Steps to Regain Control

1. Be Realistic About Your Feelings: You are human. Feel your emotions, including anger. Lack of control in situations is deeply personal, especially when the outcomes impact you or your community. These feelings are valid and a normal response to feeling unheard, hurt, or facing unexpected change.
2. Set Boundaries: To understand issues more deeply, stay informed using reputable sources and seek balanced perspectives but set limits to avoid burnout. Continuous exposure to situations can add more stress and anxiety. Consider using scheduled breaks to ensure that you decompress and find new ways to engage or adapt. This includes social media and other news sources.
3. Use Your Community for Support: Realistically, we all need one another to communicate with and to share our values and concerns. This can be comforting and help us share ideas, plan initiatives, and encourage each other to keep working toward shared goals.
4. Focus on You: Find the time to reflect on your values and goals. Practice them to make a positive impact in your immediate surroundings. This can be empowering and serve as a reminder that you still have control over your actions and mindset despite the circumstances.
5. Create Long-Term Goals: Since change can be slow, remind yourself that setbacks are part of the process and bring forth new opportunities for advocacy and change. Focus on long-term goals for positive change to build resilience, even in difficult climates.

After hard work, hope, and dedication, a situation that does not go in our favor can be disheartening, especially after so much effort has been put into a cause or a vision for the future. It can feel like a rejection of ideas, values, or plans that were close to your heart. This disappointment may also come with a sense of grief over missed opportunities for change. Take time to process these feelings, knowing that many people experience similar emotions and that they are a valid part of disappointment. In time, reflection, resilience, and commitment can help us refocus, drawing on lessons learned to inform future efforts.

Feeling discouragement often comes from a place of caring deeply about something that did not go as planned. We naturally want to feel effective, valuable, and purposeful. When we feel helpless, it can seem like our actions do not matter, leading to a loss of motivation and sometimes a sense of meaninglessness. When this happens, we stop trying to change or improve situations, leaving us feeling powerless in the face of challenges. I know that it feels disheartening when situations do not go your way, but your voice, choices, and actions still matter.

The more helpless we feel, the harder it can become to take proactive steps or see alternative perspectives. To combat this, maintain your mental and emotional health so that you can stay motivated and engaged. Participate in activities that provide you with peace to prevent additional stress. The passion behind your commitment is still valuable, and it may find new pathways, whether through other forms of personal engagement or personal growth. Remember, your goals are still achievable, even if the path to them looks different than you first envisioned.

About the Author

Lisa Liggins-Chambers, PhD., is a school psychologist with 25 years of experience in universities, school districts, community mental health centers, and hospitals.

Online:

 lisaligginschambers.com, Facebook, Instagram

If you struggle with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), you know it’s more than just being stressed. It’s that constant, nagging worry about everything—work, health, family, or money—that feels impossible to turn off. This never-ending dread, often mixed with physical symptoms like tense muscles, restless feelings, and exhaustion, can make everyday life feel draining.

While medication can certainly help, the most effective and lasting treatment for GAD is a type of talk therapy called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). CBT isn’t just about venting; it’s a practical, skills-based approach that helps you find the ‘off switch’ for worry by targeting the patterns of thinking and behavior that keep the anxiety cycle going.

Why Worry Sticks Around: The CBT View

CBT starts with a simple idea: It’s not the event itself that makes you anxious, but how you think about the event. For people with GAD, this means getting stuck in loops of negative, worst-case-scenario thinking, also called catastrophic thinking.

But here’s a key part of GAD: many people secretly believe that worrying is helpful. They might think, “If I worry about it, I’ll be prepared,” or “My worrying is the only thing stopping something bad from happening.” In reality, this “helpful” worrying is actually a form of avoidance. It prevents you from having to face life’s uncertainties directly, but it just traps you in an exhausting cycle of mental effort.

CBT teaches you to recognize these unproductive thinking patterns and replace them with something healthier.

Part 1: Retraining Your Brain (Cognitive Techniques)

The core of CBT is cognitive restructuring, which means learning to challenge your anxious thoughts. Instead of instantly believing your worried thoughts are facts, you learn to treat them like guesses that need to be tested.

Here are the main tools you learn:

1. The Evidence Check: Your therapist helps you ask: “What real proof do I have that this bad thing will happen?” and “What evidence suggests it probably won’t, or that I can handle it?” This forces your brain to move away from pure emotion and look at the facts.
2. De-Catastrophizing: This involves facing your absolute worst fear and then creating a realistic plan for what you’d do if it actually happened. Often, just planning for the worst-case scenario makes it seem much less terrifying and more manageable.
3. Analyzing the ‘Helpfulness’ of Worry: This technique makes you look at your worry like a chore. You ask, “Has this particular worry actually helped me solve a problem, or has it just made me miserable?” You quickly learn that most chronic worrying is just mental noise.

By practicing these steps, you start to see that your anxious predictions are almost always bigger than the actual risk, and you start to trust your ability to cope.

Part 2: Changing Your Actions (Behavioral Techniques)

Worry is often a way to avoid feeling uncertain. People with GAD hate not knowing what’s coming next, so they try to control things by over-planning, asking for constant reassurance from others, or checking things repeatedly (these are called safety behaviors).

CBT uses practical strategies to help you get comfortable with uncertainty:

1. Worry Time: Instead of letting worry spill over into your whole day, you schedule a specific, short block of time (say, 15 minutes) each day just for worrying. If a worry pops up outside that time, you jot it down and tell yourself, “I’ll deal with this later in Worry Time.” This trains your brain that you are in charge of your thoughts, not the other way around.
2. Dropping Safety Behaviors: You work on gently giving up the habits that make you feel temporarily safe but keep the anxiety alive. This might mean deciding to only check your work email three times a day instead of thirty, or not asking your partner for reassurance that you’re doing a good job.
3. Exposure to Uncertainty: This is where you intentionally put yourself in small situations where you don’t know the outcome—like sending a text without proofreading it five times, or deciding on dinner five minutes before you eat. This teaches you that you can handle feeling uncertain without falling apart.

A Lasting Solution

CBT is so successful because it gives you a tool kit. It doesn’t just treat the symptoms; it teaches you how to be your own therapist. Research shows that people who complete CBT are less likely to relapse than those who rely solely on medication because they have learned powerful, practical skills they can use for the rest of their lives to keep their worries in check.

This approach gives you back control and helps you live a life defined by your values, not by your fears.

1. “I don’t even know why you’re upset…”
👉 Gaslighting & denial.
The narcissist pretends confusion and innocence, denying wrongdoing. This makes the victim question whether their feelings are valid.

2. “You don’t realize how lucky you are…”
👉 Entitlement & superiority.
They imply the victim should feel grateful for tolerating mistreatment, flipping the dynamic so the victim feels indebted.

3. “I try so hard… but you push me away.”
👉 Reversal of blame.
The narcissist positions themselves as the one who’s trying while the victim is framed as defensive or weak.

4. “You make such a big deal out of little things…”
👉 Minimization.
The narcissist downplays harmful behaviors (ignoring texts, excluding the victim) to invalidate the victim’s feelings.

5. “The way you make me feel guilty—it’s manipulative.”
👉 Projection.
They accuse the victim of doing the very thing they are guilty of (manipulation), confusing and silencing the victim.

6. “Sometimes I wonder if you even want this to work…”
👉 Conditional love & boundary shaming.
Boundaries are reframed as proof of not loving enough, when in reality, boundaries protect well-being.

7. “You provoke me, and then I react…”
👉 Victim-blaming.
Here, the narcissist excuses harmful outbursts by blaming the victim for “provoking” them.

8. “I forgive you for your outbursts…”
👉 False magnanimity.
By “forgiving” the victim, the narcissist frames themselves as noble while subtly accusing the victim of cruelty.

9. “If you could just stop criticizing, everything would be fine.”
👉 Unrealistic expectations.
The victim is told that only by suppressing their needs and concerns can peace exist.

10. “I don’t want to lose you, but…”
👉 Fear mixed with threat.
The narcissist dangles abandonment while implying it’s the victim’s fault if the relationship ends.

11. “I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for you.”
👉 Love-bombing finale.
They end with flowery “love” to soften the abuse, creating confusion and pulling the victim back in.

The link between relationship status and romantic interest.

• Grandiose narcissists view themselves as unique, special, and entitled.
• Despite their negative qualities, grandiose narcissists are socially skilled and charming.
• Narcissists maintain relational power by keeping partners guessing about their level of commitment.

We are all familiar with the concept of forbidden fruit, where something that is off-limits is viewed as more desirable. In a romantic context, this often includes an attraction to someone else’s spouse or partner. We justifiably denounce mate poaching in any context. Yet we sometimes accuse narcissists of engaging in this practice to boost their egos. Is that true? Does their sense of entitlement overcome their sense of decency? Research presents some interesting results.

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Noticing Narcissism: Grandiose Qualities on Display

Amy B. Brunell et al. (2018) explored specifically whether narcissists are attracted to others based on relationship status,[i] examining the practice of mate poaching by participants who exhibit traits of grandiose narcissism.

Brunell et al. describe grandiose narcissism as marked by arrogance, selfishness, an inflated view of self, and a high amount of extraversion paired with low amounts of agreeableness and neuroticism. They note that grandiose narcissists view themselves as unique, special, and entitled. Perhaps accordingly, they take advantage of other people, feel less guilt, and experience reduced levels of moral reasoning about day-to-day behavior that could be harmful to others. But there is a perceived bright side. Brunell et al. explain that despite their negative qualities, grandiose narcissists are socially skilled and charming, allowing them to rise to positions of power and leadership. Unfortunately, one way they maintain relational power is by keeping their partners guessing about their level of commitment and interest.

Spotting the Short Timer

Regarding relational style, Brunell et al. note that grandiose narcissists are more likely to endorse casual sex without commitment, have more sexual partners, and prefer short-term relationships. They also note that a craving for influence and power links grandiose narcissism with sexual attitudes and behavior, including sexual coercion for women, and sexual aggression among men.

Regarding relational choice, grandiose narcissists report more frequent mate poaching, defined as behaviors deployed with an intent to attract someone to engage in a sexual encounter who is already in a romantic relationship with someone else. No doubt aiding this endeavor is the fact that grandiose narcissists are perceived as “sexy,” potentially exciting sexual desire in others. Brunell et al. recognize that individuals who intentionally engage in self-enhancement are better able to attract a greater number of short-term sexual partners. They also note that perhaps not surprisingly, grandiose narcissists tend to inflate their own ratings of their attractiveness, which can lead them to pursue short-term relationships with others who are “out of their league.”

An Appetite for Forbidden Fruit, or Merely a Fling?

Brunell et al. note that although grandiose narcissists tend to report short-term mate poaching, there is a question regarding whether they are more interested in pursuing people who are already in relationships rather than people who are single. In their research, they found that grandiose narcissists were not more interested in drawing someone away from an existing relationship, but instead, considered their own relationship status when evaluating interest in someone else, either for a fling or a long-term relationship. They conclude that apparently, grandiose narcissists pursue whoever interests them the most, regardless of the other person’s relationship status.

The bottom line appears to be that considering the undesirable traits narcissists bring to a relationship, the best practice is to steer clear of others seeking short-term uncommitted romance. Ideal partners showcase a desire to cultivate healthy, happy, wholesome relationships with an eye toward long-term relational quality and stability.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.

Online: wendy.patrickphd.com, Facebook, X, LinkedIn, Instagram

‘References

[i] Brunell, Amy B., Joshua Robison, Nicholas P. Deems, and Bradley M. Okdie. 2018. “Are Narcissists More Attracted to People in Relationships than to People Not in Relationships?” PLoS ONE 13 (3). doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0194106.