How do you know you have a toxic family or family member? You may feel anxious or nervous when you have to interact with them. You may feel drained and overwhelmed when speaking with them. They may be addicted to drama, tend to overreact emotionally, and create scenes in public or within a family. They may be emotionally immature for their age and may share personal things you said to them in confidence with other people to harm you. Worse, you may feel confused, manipulated, and emotionally harmed after interacting with them. Also, when you assert your emotional and physical boundaries with them, they become angry because they don’t respect your limits.

Naturally, every family has disagreements. We have the most to learn from our differences and often learn from those we love. However, while all families have disagreements and conflicts, toxic family systems use extremely unhealthy ways of interacting with each other and resolving conflict. While conflict and tension are inevitable in any family, the manner the way the conflict is handled is what differentiates a healthy family system from a toxic family system.

Chronic toxic behaviors by one or more family members can cause emotional harm.  In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined  “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to other members. These emotionally violent behaviors can cause depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness for the victims and even the whole family system. While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, post-traumatic stress, and mental injury.

Family Emotional Violence

Research supports the idea that a certain level of “aggression” is a “normal” part of family life. These levels are usually culturally-approved (Barnett, Miller-Perrin, & Perrin, 2011). For example, in Western cultures, many healthy families and couples may lose their tempers or say hurtful things to each other on occasion.

However, if these harmful tactics—combined with conflict avoidance (gossiping, criticism, pitting, splitting)—become consistent ways of resolving problems, a toxic family dynamic may occur. Unfortunately, one toxic family member or “bad apple” can cause significant damage to an entire family system.

Psychological Bullying

While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, stress, and mental injury. In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined as “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to a group. A hallmark of a toxic person is the severe harm she/he can cause to a group: workplace, family, or even government.

For instance, in a family, a toxic sister, aunt, mother, or cousin can cause relationship harm between family members. They may split and pit family members against each other (toxic behavior), usually by lying for their own personal gain. This form of psychological bullying is quite harmful to family members and may manifest in depression, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, or post-traumatic stress symptoms in many family members.

Sometimes, these family members causing destruction are suffering from their own mental health problems, often undiagnosed. According to Dr. George Simon, these may be disturbances of character. In medical terms, perpetrators may be suffering from a diagnosis on the personality disorder spectrum (American Psychiatric Association, 2014).

Dangerous Family Members: Pathological Personality

The connection between psychopathic traits and crime is well-researched, but the rate of victimization within families and relatives is lacking research and is not fully understood (Leedom, 2017). However, psychologists find the clinical problem of personality disorders is increasingly prevalent among patients who create toxic family dynamics.

A personality disorder is a pervasive lifelong pattern of behavior that leads to distress or impairment. They can have significant impairment in ways of seeing other people, themselves, and events. They also usually have impairments in emotional maturity. In addition, they can have affective problems, such as an inability to regulate their emotional responses.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), these include diagnoses such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders. Sociopathy and psychopathy are used in popular culture to describe personalities and behaviors on this spectrum, but these are not actual diagnoses found in the DSM-5. It can be very confusing to the public and clinicians alike because there is so much comorbidity or overlap between symptoms and behaviors of personality disorders.

Is the Specific Diagnosis Important?

Experts agree that there is significant overlap among the many personality disorders. The American Psychiatric Association (2013) has proposed an alternative model for conceptualizing personality disorders in the future because of this problem with comorbidity across personality disorders. For example, there are similar traits and behaviors between Narcissistic, Borderline, and Antisocial personality disorders. The alternative DSM-5 model includes general criteria for a personality disorder, a person who has impairments in personality functioning, or one or more pathological personality traits.

Within the family system context, however, an actual diagnosis is not as important as recognizing patterns of those who suffer from personality disorders and how they may affect your family.

Are They “Treatable”?

Personality disorders are far more serious than many other mental health disorders because they are difficult to treat. This is for two reasons:

1. Treatment resistance—i.e., those with personality disorders don’t understand they have the problem and blame others.

2. It is difficult to treat a personality because they are ingrained personality traits—unlike, for example, a mood disorder.

Whether or not they seek (or respond to) treatment, what you can do is recognize and understand these “clinically disturbed” people in your life, regardless of specific diagnostic labels. According to George Simon, Ph.D., author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People in Your Life, it is important to recognize certain behaviors to mitigate the damage of interacting with these types of “clinically disturbed” people.

Toxic Family Dynamics

Unsure if you’re dealing with a toxic family member or toxic family dynamics? These behaviors may indicate that things have turned toxic by the presence of emotional drama:

• Splitting: Planting seeds where jealousy, resentment, and anger will flourish (covert).
• Pitting: Setting family members against each other, usually through dishonesty (covert).
• Triangulation: Do not confront each other directly and triangulate another family member (covert).
• Smear Campaigns: Premediated efforts to tarnish another person’s reputation and character usually by lying and deceit, often delusional in nature (covert).
• Chronic disrespect and contempt.
• Pathological lying
• Becomes angry and protests when you assert boundaries.
• Refusal to apologize.
• Takes no responsibility, and blames others.
• Controlling.
• Verbal assaults (overt (obvious) and covert (behind the scenes).

Unfortunately, many families with a history of adverse childhood experiences or adult children of alcoholics may think these family dynamics are “normal.” And they may be normal—but are they healthy? If they are chronically causing you distress and impairment, including anxiety and depression, you may need to re-assess your exposure. 

The issue of distancing and estrangement from toxic family members is a very complicated and personal one. This is one of the most asked questions in my private practice. The next series of articles will cover the issue of emotional distancing strategies, estrangement, and resolution.

Copyright 2020: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.

In a world that often feels overwhelming, managing stress and anxiety can be a daily challenge. While these feelings are a normal part of life, when they become chronic, they can take a significant toll on your mental and physical health. The good news is that you have a powerful tool at your disposal: mindfulness. This practice isn’t just about finding a moment of calm—it’s about fundamentally changing your relationship with stressful thoughts and anxious feelings.

Understanding the Connection

Stress and anxiety often stem from our thoughts about the past or worries about the future. We get caught in a cycle of “what if” scenarios, reliving past events, and anticipating future problems. This mental time travel prevents us from being present and can trigger our body’s stress response.

Mindfulness helps us break this cycle by teaching us to stay anchored in the here and now. By observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can begin to see them for what they are—just thoughts and feelings, not absolute truths. This simple shift in perspective can create a powerful buffer against the cascade of stress and anxiety.

Practical Mindfulness Techniques

Here are a few simple exercises you can use to manage stress and anxiety in the moment.

The 3-Minute Breathing Space

This exercise is designed to be used when you feel overwhelmed.

1. Step 1: Awareness. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Acknowledge what’s happening. What thoughts are you having? How are you feeling emotionally? Where do you feel these sensations in your body?
2. Step 2: Gathering. Gently guide your attention to the sensation of breathing. Focus on the rise and fall of your abdomen or the feeling of air moving in and out of your nostrils. Let your breath be an anchor, grounding you in the present moment.
3. Step 3: Expanding. Expand your awareness from your breath to your entire body. Notice any sensations you feel—the pressure of your feet on the floor, the weight of your clothes on your skin, or the temperature of the air. Acknowledge these sensations without trying to change them.

Mindful Walking

Mindful walking can be a powerful way to relieve anxious energy. Instead of rushing from one place to another, try to be fully present with each step. Notice the feeling of your foot lifting and then placing itself back down on the ground. Pay attention to the rhythm of your body’s movement and the sights and sounds around you.

Body Scan Meditation

This practice involves systematically bringing your attention to different parts of your body. You can do this lying down or sitting comfortably. Start with your toes and slowly move your focus up through your body, noticing any sensations you feel. This helps you reconnect with your physical self and can release built-up tension.

The Long-Term Benefits

Consistent mindfulness practice trains your brain to be less reactive to stress. It strengthens the neural pathways associated with calm and focus and can even change the structure of your brain over time. By regularly dedicating a few minutes to being present, you can build resilience and find a greater sense of peace and well-being.

Have you ever been so engrossed in an activity that hours seemed to melt away? Where every action felt effortless, and you were performing at your absolute best? This state of complete immersion and enjoyment is known as “flow,” a concept popularized by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Understanding and intentionally cultivating flow can unlock peak performance, boost creativity, and significantly increase your overall happiness.

What Exactly is Flow?

Flow is an optimal state of consciousness where you feel and perform your best. It’s a mental state in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. Essentially, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.

Imagine a musician lost in a complex piece, a surgeon meticulously performing an operation, or an athlete perfectly executing a play. In these moments, individuals are experiencing flow. They are not thinking about distractions, self-doubt, or the passage of time. They are simply doing.

Key Characteristics of the Flow State:

Csikszentmihalyi identified several core elements that are typically present when someone is in a state of flow:

1. Clear Goals: You know exactly what you need to achieve. The task’s objectives are well-defined.
2. Immediate Feedback: You instantly know how well you’re doing and can adjust your actions accordingly.
3. A Balance Between Challenge and Skill: The task is challenging enough to be engaging but not so difficult that it causes frustration. It stretches your abilities without overwhelming them.
4. Action and Awareness Merge: Your actions become automatic, almost unconscious. You’re not actively thinking about what you’re doing; you’re just doing it.
5. Exclusion of Distractions: You’re so focused that all irrelevant thoughts and worries fade away.
6. No Worry of Failure: Self-consciousness disappears, and there’s no fear of judgment or making mistakes.
7. Transformation of Time: Time perception becomes distorted. Hours can feel like minutes, or vice-versa.
8. Autotelic Experience: The activity itself is intrinsically rewarding. You engage in it for the sheer joy of doing it, not for external rewards.

Why is Flow So Powerful?

Flow isn’t just about feeling good; it has profound benefits for various aspects of your life:

• Increased Productivity and Performance: When you’re in flow, you’re working at your peak efficiency and effectiveness. Complex problems become easier to solve, and tasks are completed with greater precision.
• Enhanced Learning and Skill Development: The challenge-skill balance inherent in flow pushes you to develop new abilities and master existing ones.
• Greater Creativity: With distractions removed and self-consciousness gone, your mind is free to make novel connections and generate innovative ideas.
• Boosted Happiness and Well-being: Flow experiences are deeply satisfying and contribute significantly to overall life satisfaction. They provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
• Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Being fully immersed in a task provides a respite from daily worries and mental clutter.

How to Cultivate More Flow in Your Life:

While flow often happens spontaneously, you can create conditions that make it more likely to occur:

1. Choose Meaningful Challenges: Engage in activities that genuinely interest you and offer a clear sense of purpose.
2. Define Clear Goals: Before starting a task, know exactly what you aim to accomplish. Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps.
3. Seek Immediate Feedback: Choose activities that provide instant feedback on your progress. If not naturally present, create your own feedback loops (e.g., tracking your progress, getting input from others).
4. Match Challenge to Your Skill Level: Find the sweet spot where a task is neither too easy (leading to boredom) nor too hard (leading to anxiety). Continuously adjust the challenge as your skills grow.
5. Eliminate Distractions: Create an environment conducive to deep work. Turn off notifications, find a quiet space, and minimize interruptions.
6. Practice Mindfulness and Focus: Engage in activities that train your attention, such as meditation or focused breathing exercises, to improve your ability to concentrate.
7. Embrace the Process: Shift your focus from the outcome to the experience of the activity itself. Find joy in the journey.
8. Set Aside Dedicated “Flow Time”: Schedule specific blocks of time for activities where you intend to enter a flow state.

Examples of Flow Activities:

Flow can be found in almost any activity, from professional pursuits to hobbies:

• Work: Writing code, strategic planning, designing, complex problem-solving, crafting a compelling presentation.
• Hobbies: Playing a musical instrument, painting, sculpting, gardening, rock climbing, running, playing chess, coding a personal project.
• Daily Life: Cooking a complex meal, engaging in a deeply engrossing conversation, reading a captivating book.

Conclusion

The pursuit of flow isn’t just a psychological theory; it’s a practical framework for living a more engaged, productive, and joyful life. By consciously structuring your activities and environment to meet the conditions for flow, you can unlock your full potential and experience the profound satisfaction of being completely absorbed in what you love to do.

How to cope with obsessive thoughts in a relationship.

“I can’t stop thinking about her”. “I want to know everything about her.” “Time stops when I’m with her.” “I don’t think she knows how much I care about her.”

If you hear these sentences, would you think about love or obsession? Sometimes, separating the two can be quite an endeavor. Having feelings for someone we don’t know very well can border on an insane obsession we cultivate for that person and unhealthy projections we attribute to them.

On Obsession or Being under Siege

In general, obsession is quite an unhealthy state of mind. It becomes even more dangerous when obsession gets confused with romantic feelings somewhat resembling love.

But obsession is a state of mind that tries to tell us something important about ourselves to improve the quality of our lives.

Irvin Yalom once wrote: “Love obsession often serves as a distraction, keeping the individual’s gaze from more painful thoughts.”

Obsession is a distraction; a very dangerous and consuming one. It keeps us from a true intimate connection with ourselves.

That is, if you start obsessing about someone, this person is the least of your problems. It is very likely in fact that this person does not even feel cared for by you.

Obsession is Putting You under Siege

In fact, the word, ‘obsession’ comes from the Latin ob-sidere, which means to be occupied and almost invaded by something that does not belong to you. In fact, the person you may be obsessing about is often a stranger, a long distant friend, a coworker; someone you met only a few times. It is someone you do not know well. The fact that you do not know this person very well allows the obsession to thrive. Thanks to the lack of reality checks, your mind will run wild in projections on the life of this person. You will build possible scenarios about your next encounter with them. Any action or reaction from that person will make your heart beat as never before. You are alive but under siege. You are alive because you are under siege. Suddenly, your mind will be busied with intruding thoughts that do not fully belong to you but keep you busy.

Keeping you busy is the hidden agenda of any obsession. Obsessions are there to displace your attention and care about what truly matters.

But watch out. The glimpses of joy you allow yourself to feel when humoring the obsession are often just an illusion. What seems to bring promises of joy and happiness will be the carrier of a loss of sleep and a ton of anxiety.

How Can You Know If You are in Love, or If You are Just Obsessed?

You can decide to allow yourself some time to answer this question.

If the person you are feeling so much about is the right person for you, the decision about what to do with these important feelings can wait some time; before making big decisions, you can allow yourself to take some distance and check with yourself if there is something missing in your life that justifies the obsessive feelings.

Difference between Obsession and Healthy Loving Feelings

Often, the difference between obsession and healthy loving feelings is marked out by a natural spontaneous and anxiety free growth. When prey to obsessions, you are getting close to the person you feel obsessed about with a ton of anxiety, double guessing, and looping thoughts. So, it might be that you feel attracted to this person and feel slightly insecure about him or her. With a closer look, you might realize that you do not know much about this person. You might see that you did not spend so much time with him or her. You do not actually know how she or he is in the world.

With a deeper introspection, you might even realize that you do not care that much about their life or inner world; what you want is their spotlight on you. You want this person to see you, to get to know you, to get interested in your life. You look forward to making this person part of your life.

In fact, this person whose company you are craving, is you.

Give Yourself What You Fantasize Receiving from Your Obsession

Obsessions are very tricky. In fact, they indicate that there is something so painful and sad at the bottom of your chest that you have decided to disconnect from it.

In fact, if you try to think lucidly through it—”what if I give in to my obsession”—a disastrous chain of events sometimes follows: your marriage breaking up in an awful way, losing respect for yourself, getting so disorganized that a job offer is revoked, etc.

An obsession can help you make the change you are so afraid of. Yet, it will open that door in a tempestuous way: your life will be so busy and disorganized that you will eventually forget about your pain.

Pain Cannot Ever Be Forgotten

It can be repressed, but never deleted from the soul unless you put real work into listening to it.

Ideally, what you can do to care about yourself is to give yourself some time to understand the limits of your situation. To do that, you need to resist the temptation of giving the obsession all your time.

You can pay attention to the obsession, only in so far as it tells you something concrete about what you would like to do. Do you desire to be with the other person? What would make this encounter so special? Do you want this person to know about your interests? Do you want this person to acknowledge the depth of your thoughts and creativity? Then invite all this into your life. Pay attention to your own interests and try to make more time to dedicate yourself to them. Invite sex into your life with your partner, by yourself or by undertaking fun sexual adventures. Be ambitious; start doing with your life what you wish you could do with the person you are obsessing about.

To Conclude: Obsessions are Tough

Obsessions are tough. They are little tornadoes that we invite into our life because mourning would be too painful and making a change too unsafe. The source of pain becomes so remote and disconnected that you need to play the emotional investigator in order to reconnect with that source and resolve the pain.

So, if you start paying attention to what your needs really are and what you expect to find in that person, it might be that the hurting part, hidden somewhere in you, comes back to trust you again with its thoughts and feelings.

It might be that all you can do is just cry and mourn; or it might be that it is time for you to take action in respect of that pain and move on.

In general, the best advice is to take some time for yourself to learn how to cope with the obsession and make a decision that involves the real you, not the you that is under siege.

Author:

Susi Ferrarello, Ph.D., is an associate professor at California State University, East Bay. She completed her doctoral studies in philosophy at the Sorbonne in Paris. She also has an M.A. in human rights and political science from the University of Bologna. She received her accreditation in philosophical counseling in New York under the direction of Dr. Lou Marinoff.

High blood pressure (hypertension) is often called the “silent killer” because it rarely presents symptoms but can lead to devastating health problems like heart attack, stroke, and kidney failure. While medication is often necessary, diet is your first and most powerful line of defense against high blood pressure.

The goal of a blood pressure-lowering diet is to manage your body’s fluid balance, relax your blood vessels (vasodilation), and reduce sodium retention. Below are the 7 most effective, science-backed foods you should incorporate into your daily routine, focusing on their key mechanisms.

1. Beets (Beetroot Juice)

The instant blood pressure lowering effect of beets comes from their extremely high concentration of dietary nitrates. When you eat beets, your body converts these nitrates into nitric oxide, a compound that signals your arteries to relax and widen (vasodilation). This widening dramatically lowers the pressure against the artery walls.

• Action Tip: Drink one cup of beetroot juice daily, or include roasted beets in salads.

2. Bananas and Sweet Potatoes

These two foods are powerhouse sources of Potassium. Potassium is a critical mineral that actively counteracts the negative effects of Sodium. It signals your kidneys to excrete more sodium through urine, which in turn reduces the fluid volume and pressure in your bloodstream.

• Action Tip: Start your day with a banana or swap white potatoes for potassium-rich sweet potatoes.

3. Garlic

Garlic contains active sulfur compounds, such as allicin, which are natural vasodilators. Historically used for cardiovascular health, studies show garlic can improve the elasticity of your arteries and promote the release of nitric oxide, leading to smoother blood flow and lower systolic and diastolic pressure.

• Action Tip: Aim for 1-4 cloves of fresh garlic daily, adding it raw to dressings or lightly sautéing it.

4. Berries (Especially Blueberries)

Blueberries and strawberries are packed with anthocyanins, a type of flavonoid antioxidant. Research indicates that regular intake of anthocyanins helps prevent damage to the inner lining of blood vessels (endothelium) and enhances nitric oxide production, ensuring arteries remain flexible.

• Action Tip: Include a cup of mixed berries in your morning oatmeal or yogurt.

5. Spinach and Kale

These dark, leafy greens offer a triple threat: they are high in potassium, magnesium, and dietary nitrates. Magnesium works directly as a natural calcium channel blocker, helping to relax the smooth muscles in your artery walls, while nitrates and potassium provide additional vasodilation and sodium regulation.

• Action Tip: Add a handful of spinach or kale to a smoothie, or use them as a base for lunch salads.

6. Pumpkin Seeds and Nuts

Pumpkin seeds, almonds, and walnuts are incredibly high in Magnesium and Zinc. Magnesium is essential for stabilizing blood vessel walls and preventing constriction, making them critical elements in a blood pressure management diet. They also contain L-arginine, which the body uses to make nitric oxide.

• Action Tip: Use pumpkin seeds or almonds as a snack, limiting portions to a quarter cup due to calorie density.

7. Oatmeal (Whole Grains)

Oatmeal is a phenomenal source of soluble fiber. By contributing to weight management, reducing unhealthy LDL cholesterol, and promoting healthy gut flora, fiber intake indirectly but significantly supports lower blood pressure levels over the long term. Whole grains, in general, are a cornerstone of the DASH (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension) diet.

• Action Tip: Opt for steel-cut or rolled oats over instant varieties for maximum fiber and nutrient retention.

Final Takeaway: Diet is a Daily Commitment

Controlling hypertension through diet requires consistency. Focus on reducing processed foods high in sodium and increasing your intake of these potassium- and nitrate-rich whole foods. Always consult with your physician before making major dietary changes, and never stop taking prescribed blood pressure medication without their approval.

Imagine two people having a conversation. They might be saying all the right things, but one has their arms crossed and is leaning away, while the other is leaning in with an open posture. Who seems more trustworthy? Who looks like they’re enjoying the conversation?

The answer is obvious, and it’s a powerful reminder of a simple truth: communication is about so much more than words. In fact, most of what we say is conveyed through our body language. It’s the silent conversation we have before we even speak, and it’s a skill you can learn to both read and master.

What is Body Language and Why Does It Matter?

Body language refers to the non-verbal cues we use to communicate. This includes everything from our posture and facial expressions to our gestures and the way we move. It’s an ancient, evolutionary part of human interaction that helps us quickly assess a situation or a person.

Understanding body language can give you a significant advantage. It allows you to:

• Build instant rapport: An open stance and a genuine smile can make others feel more comfortable around you.
• Improve communication: You can tell if someone is receptive to your ideas or if you need to adjust your approach.
• Project confidence: Standing tall and maintaining steady eye contact shows you are self-assured and trustworthy.
• Recognize deception: Knowing the subtle cues of dishonesty can help you navigate complex social situations.

Decoding Common Body Language Cues

Reading body language is like learning a new language. You don’t just look at a single gesture; you look at clusters of cues to get the full picture.

1. Facial Expressions

Licensed by Google

2. Posture and Gestures

Your posture tells a story about your state of mind. An open posture—unfolded arms, shoulders back—is a sign of confidence and openness. A closed posture—arms crossed, hunched shoulders—can signal defensiveness or discomfort. Fidgeting, such as tapping your foot or playing with your hair, often suggests nervousness or impatience.

3. Eye Contact

The eyes are often called the windows to the soul for a reason. Maintaining steady eye contact shows that you are engaged and confident. Too little eye contact can suggest shyness or disinterest, while an intense, prolonged stare can be intimidating and aggressive.

4. The Language of Touch (Haptics)

Touch is a powerful form of non-verbal communication. A firm handshake can signal professionalism and confidence. A quick, reassuring pat on the back can show empathy. However, it’s crucial to be mindful of social and cultural norms when using touch.

5. Proximity (Proxemics)

The distance you keep from someone, known as proxemics, also communicates a lot. We have different zones for different relationships: an intimate zone for close friends and family, a personal zone for casual conversations, a social zone for professional settings, and a public zone for large groups. Invading someone’s personal space can make them feel uncomfortable.

How to Improve Your Own Body Language

Now that you know how to read the cues, here’s how to use them to your advantage.

1. Be Aware: Start by simply observing your own body language. Are you slouching? Fidgeting? Practice in front of a mirror to see what you look like to others.
2. Adopt an Open Stance: Make it a habit to keep your arms uncrossed and your body facing the person you are talking to. This makes you appear more approachable and receptive.
3. Stand Tall and Confident: Straighten your back, pull your shoulders back, and lift your chin slightly. This simple change can make you feel more confident, and it will be noticed by others.
4. Maintain Appropriate Eye Contact: Aim for a comfortable balance. When listening, make eye contact to show you’re engaged. When speaking, look away occasionally to avoid an intimidating stare.
5. Stop Fidgeting: If you find yourself fidgeting, try placing your hands on your lap or holding a pen to keep them still. This will help you project calm and focus.

Mastering body language isn’t about memorizing a checklist of gestures. It’s about becoming more self-aware and intentional in how you present yourself. By making small, conscious adjustments, you can completely transform your interactions and build stronger connections with everyone you meet.

Which only enhanced a lifetime of experience in handling/investigating difficult matters.  My law enforcement experience is quite varied but most of my experience was investigating Major Crimes.

I have learned to live a healthy lifestyle via exercise and nutrition. Balanced by maintaining a healthy spirit and a healthy mind. In addition, early in my career, we were advised to develop a diversified circle of friends and confidants. 

Here are some of my best tips:

 One of the lessons I have learned is to always keep an open mind and treat people the way you would want to be treated. 

 That said, I know as a LEO, there are very evil people in this world who want to cause us harm or worse.  There is a percentage of the population that have NO CONSCIENCE for what evil they do. 

There are so many innocent victims of terrible crimes and terrible accidents who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It’s best to always maintain a level of safety and beware of our surroundings.  If you get a “bad feeling” about someone or someplace you are most often going to be right about that “bad feeling”. 

I have seen the worst tragedies that affect entire families for extended periods of time.  Some people just cannot ever get over it.  Don’t be one of those.  No matter how bad it gets, you have to get over it and move on. 

 Know this about relationships:   They can and do go bad.  During some break ups, it becomes so volatile and unstable that some partners go downhill very quickly.  Incidents occur such as stalking, harassing cellphone communication, and violence.  Try to always have a strong support group available during these times.     

When such incidents occur, one partner may choose to seek a restraining order against the other partner.  This court order prohibits ALL communication and contact between the partners.  If any direct or indirect communication is made, the partner who is the subject of the restraining order can get arrested.  This happens fairly often.  Arrests for these crimes often result in jail time and eventually causes destroyed careers.  As a Private Investigator, I am very familiar with the Restraining Order process and it is frightening.   

Be careful out there my friends.

Mike Driscoll

Jealousy within a family, a complex and often sensitive issue, can significantly impact the dynamics of family relationships. While it’s a common emotional response, understanding its signs and learning effective strategies to manage it can help maintain harmony and strengthen familial bonds.

Identifying Signs of Jealousy

Jealousy often manifests subtly and can be overlooked until it escalates. One of the most apparent signs is a lack of enthusiasm for your achievements. When family members downplay or show indifference to your successes, it can be a sign of underlying jealousy. Another telltale sign is competitive behavior, where relatives attempt to outshine or belittle your accomplishments. This rivalry often stems from a place of insecurity and a desire to seek validation.

Negative reactions to advice or guidance can also indicate jealousy. In such instances, family members may perceive your suggestions as criticisms, responding with anger or defensiveness. Additionally, if interactions with certain family members consistently leave you feeling bad about yourself, it could be due to their jealous attitudes manifesting as excessive criticism or negative comments.

Dealing with Jealous Relatives

Addressing jealousy in family members requires a delicate balance of empathy and assertiveness. One effective approach is to limit the information you share, especially if it pertains to topics that trigger jealous reactions. While it might seem counterintuitive, sometimes not sharing every success or life update can prevent unnecessary tension.

It’s also crucial to let go of any guilt associated with their jealousy. Remember, their emotional responses are not your responsibility, and you shouldn’t have to downplay your achievements to appease others. In cases where jealousy leads to toxic behavior, reducing your interactions with those family members might be necessary. This doesn’t mean cutting ties entirely, but rather setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

When Distance is Necessary

In more severe cases, distancing yourself from family members who exhibit toxic jealousy might be the best course of action. Avoiding direct confrontations can prevent situations from escalating and causing further strain. Prioritizing your mental and emotional health is essential, and sometimes that means stepping back from relationships that are more harmful than beneficial.

Understanding the Causes

Jealousy often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a sense of inadequacy. In family settings, these feelings can be exacerbated by parental favoritism, perceived inequalities, or different life trajectories among siblings. Understanding these root causes is crucial in addressing and resolving jealous behaviors.

Sibling Rivalry and Parental Influence

Sibling rivalry is a common manifestation of jealousy within families. It can be fueled by parental influence, where perceived or actual favoritism creates competition and resentment among siblings. Additionally, siblings reaching life milestones at different times can spark feelings of jealousy, as comparisons become inevitable.

Self-Reflection in the Face of Jealousy

If you find yourself experiencing jealousy, it’s important to acknowledge and address these feelings. Self-reflection can help you understand the reasons behind your jealousy and how to overcome it. Developing a sense of self-worth independent of others’ achievements and focusing on your personal growth can be effective strategies in combating jealousy.

Conclusion

Navigating jealousy in family relationships requires a nuanced understanding of its signs and causes. By adopting strategies to manage and address these feelings, either in ourselves or in relatives, we can foster healthier and more supportive family dynamics. Remember, while jealousy is a natural emotion, it doesn’t have to dictate the quality of our familial relationships.

In the Netflix documentary “The Tinder Swindler,” victims exposed notorious con artist Simon Leviev, who posed as a wealthy diamond mogul on the popular dating app Tinder to deceive and scam numerous women out of millions of dollars. Leviev is a flashy example of a dating scammer, but criminal operations also prey on emotionally vulnerable people to gain their trust and exploit them financially.

The internet has revolutionized dating, and there has been a surge in U.S. adults using apps to find ideal matches post-pandemic. While these apps offer convenience for connecting with romantic partners, they also open the door to online romance scams. Criminals create both deceptive profiles and urgent scenarios to carry out the scam.

The Federal Trade Commission reports that nearly 70,000 Americans fell victim to online romantic scams in 2022, with reported losses topping US$1.3 billion.

Online romance scams exploit people through calculated online social engineering and deliberately deceptive communication tactics. In a series of research projects, my colleagues from Georgia State University, University of Alabama, University of South Florida and I focused on understanding how scammers operate, the cues that may prompt changes in their tactics and what measures people can take to defend themselves against falling victim to this scam.Simon Leviev, the ‘Tinder Swindler,’ conned several women by posing as a diamond mogul.

How Online Romantic Scams Work?

Online romance scams are not coincidental. They’re carefully planned schemes that follow distinct stages. Research has identified five stages:

• Baiting victims with attractive profiles.
• Grooming victims with intimacy.
• Creating crises to extract money.
• On occasion manipulating victims with blackmail.
• Revealing the scam.

In short, scammers do not swindle victims by chance. They plan their actions in advance, patiently following their playbooks to ensure profitable outcomes. Scammers worm their way into a victim’s heart to gain access to their money through false pretenses.

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In a previous study, my colleague Volkan Topalli and I analyzed victim testimonials from the website stop-scammers.com. Our research revealed scammers’ use of various social engineering techniques and crisis stories to prompt urgent requests. Scammers leveraged social norms, guilt and supposed emergencies to manipulate victims. Scammers also paid close attention to communication patterns and adapted their tactics based on victims’ responses. This interplay significantly influenced the overall operation of the scam.

Across the globe, online romance scammers use different techniques that vary across cultures to successfully defraud victims. In my recent research, for example, I looked closely into an online romance scam in China called “Sha Zhu Pan,” which loosely translates to “Pig Butchering Scam.” In Sha Zhu Pan, scammers bait and groom victims for financial exploitation through well-structured group setups. Multiple scammers across four groups – hosts, resources, IT and money laundering – persuade victims through romantic tactics to invest in fake apps or use fake gambling websites, convincing them to pay more and more without ever receiving their money back. Hosts interact with victims, resources members identify targets and collect information about them, IT creates the fake apps and websites, and the money launderers process the ill-gotten gains.

Deterrence and Rewards

Like street robbers, online romance scammers can be influenced both positively and negatively by a range of situational cues that serve as incentives or deterrents.

Our investigation showed that deterrent messages can significantly affect scammers’ behavior. Here’s an example of a deterrent message: “I know you are scamming innocent people. My friend was recently arrested for the same offense and is facing five years in prison. You should stop before you face the same fate.” Based on live conversations with active scammers online, our recent analysis suggests that receiving deterrent messages reduced scammers’ response rate and their use of certain words, and increased the likelihood that when they sought further communications, they admitted they had done something wrong.

Our observations indicate that scammers not only diversify their approaches to prompt more responses, such as appealing to their romantic relationships, asking for identifying information and requesting victims switch to private chat platforms, but they also use several techniques for getting victims to overcome their misgivings about sending the scammers more money. For example, scammers subtly persuade victims to see themselves as holding more power in the interaction than they do.

Blocking Scammers

There are methods that could help users defend against online romance scams.

In experimental findings, my colleagues and I suggest online apps, especially dating apps, implement warning messages. An example would be applying linguistics algorithms to identify keywords like “money,” “MoneyGram” and “bank” in conversations to alert potential victims of the scam and deter scammers from engaging further.

In addition, apps can use tools to detect counterfeit profile pictures and other types of image fraud. By concentrating on identifying scammers’ use of counterfeit profile pictures, this advanced algorithm holds the potential to preemptively hinder scammers from establishing fake profiles and initiating conversations from the outset.The FBI gives advice on how to protect yourself from romance scams.

How to Protect Yourself?

Online dating app users can take precautions when talking to strangers. There are five rules users should follow to steer clear of scammers:

1. Avoid sharing financial information with or sending money to strangers.
2. Refrain from sending private photos to strangers.
3. Pay attention to spelling and grammar because scammers often claim to reside in English-speaking countries when they actually operate in non-Western countries.
4. Use image and name-reverse searches.
5. Confide in family and friends if you grow suspicious.

One last piece of advice to empower those who have fallen victim to online romance scams: Don’t blame yourself.

Take the courageous step of breaking free from the scam and seek support. Reach out to your loved ones, trustworthy third-party organizations and law enforcement agencies for help. This support network is essential in helping you restart your life and move forward.

Dr. Fangzhou Wang

Assistant Professor of Criminology and Criminal Justice, University of Texas at Arlington