This condition goes beyond the occasional pang of jealousy; it involves persistent, intrusive thoughts that can dominate your emotions and actions. For many people, these thoughts are not just fleeting feelings of insecurity but rather a constant presence that can strain your current relationship and affect your overall well-being. Understanding retroactive jealousy is the first step towards seeking help and finding peace of mind.

Understanding Retroactive Jealousy

Definition and Overview

Retroactive jealousy is a unique and complex form of jealousy that centers on feelings of insecurity and threat stemming from a partner’s past relationships or experiences. Unlike traditional jealousy, which is often triggered by current events or perceived threats, retroactive jealousy involves an unhealthy fixation on the past.

This can manifest as obsessive thoughts about a partner’s previous romantic or sexual history, even if these experiences occurred long before the current relationship began. People experiencing retroactive jealousy often find themselves preoccupied with details of their partner’s past, which can lead to significant emotional distress and strain on the relationship.

Causes and Triggers

The causes and triggers of retroactive jealousy are multifaceted and can be rooted in various psychological, emotional, and environmental factors. One of the primary causes is insecurity, which can stem from low self-esteem, past traumas, or difficulties in maintaining a secure attachment style. Individuals with anxious-attachment styles or those who have experienced infidelity in previous relationships are more prone to developing retroactive jealousy.

Environmental factors also play a significant role. For instance, social media can exacerbate retroactive jealousy by providing easy access to information about a partner’s past, allowing for constant comparison and fact-checking. This can create a cycle of obsessive thinking and behavior, such as snooping through social media profiles, text messages, or other records.

Cognitive distortions, such as perfectionism or all-or-nothing thinking, can further contribute to the development of retroactive jealousy. These patterns of thinking can lead to an exaggerated perception of threats from the past, making it difficult for the individual to move forward and trust their current partner.

Neurological factors, including imbalances in neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, may also be involved in the development of retroactive jealousy, particularly in cases where it meets the criteria for obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

Additionally, past traumas or difficult experiences can make individuals more vulnerable to retroactive jealousy. These traumas can create deep-seated fears and anxieties that manifest as an intense focus on a partner’s past.

Impact on Relationships

Effects on the Jealous Partner

Retroactive jealousy can have a profound impact on the individual experiencing it, affecting their mental health and overall well-being. One of the primary effects is the creation of a cycle of anxiety and depression.

The constant preoccupation with a partner’s past can lead to intrusive thoughts and obsessive behaviors, such as compulsively seeking reassurance or engaging in excessive research about the partner’s previous relationships. This can result in significant emotional distress, making it difficult for the individual to enjoy the present moment and maintain a healthy mental state.

The emotional toll of retroactive jealousy can also manifest as low self-esteem and deep-seated feelings of inadequacy. Individuals may spend hours comparing themselves unfavorably to their partner’s previous partners, which can further exacerbate feelings of insecurity and anxiety. This self-comparison can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth, making it challenging to build and maintain a positive self-image.

In some cases, retroactive jealousy can be linked to underlying mental health conditions such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). The obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors associated with retroactive jealousy can be similar to those seen in OCD, adding another layer of complexity to the individual’s mental health challenges.

Effects on the Relationship

Retroactive jealousy can significantly strain the relationship between partners. The constant questioning and need for reassurance can become overwhelming for the partner whose past is being scrutinized. This can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and exhaustion, as the partner may feel that no amount of information or reassurance can alleviate the other’s jealousy.

The relationship may also suffer from a lack of trust and communication. The jealous partner’s actions, such as snooping through social media or interrogating their partner about past relationships, can erode trust and create a hostile environment. This can make it difficult for both partners to feel secure and valued in the relationship.

Moreover, retroactive jealousy can prevent the relationship from moving forward. The fixation on the past can hinder the couple’s ability to build a strong, present-focused relationship. It can lead to missed opportunities for connection and intimacy, as the jealous partner’s energy is consumed by worries about what has already passed.

In severe cases, retroactive jealousy can even lead to the breakdown of the relationship. If the issue is not addressed and managed effectively, the constant tension and emotional distress can become too much to handle, resulting in the dissolution of the relationship.

Strategies for Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy

Self-Reflection and Understanding

Overcoming retroactive jealousy begins with a deep dive into self-reflection and understanding the root causes of your feelings. Recognizing that retroactive jealousy often stems from personal insecurities, past traumas, or unresolved fears is essential.

This self-awareness can be achieved through various methods, such as keeping a journal to document your thoughts and emotions. Writing down your feelings can serve as a mirror, offering clarity and understanding of the reasons behind your jealousy.

Identifying and challenging limiting beliefs is another essential step. These beliefs, often rooted in perfectionism or all-or-nothing thinking, can exacerbate retroactive jealousy. By questioning the validity of these beliefs and replacing them with more balanced, realistic perspectives, you can begin to break free from the cycle of obsessive thinking.

Mindfulness practices, such as meditation and focusing on the present moment, can also help you stay grounded and reduce the intensity of intrusive thoughts. Techniques from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), like radical acceptance, can help you accept and validate your emotions without judgment, allowing you to come to terms with the fact that the past cannot be changed.

Communication and Professional Help

Effective communication with your partner is vital in managing retroactive jealousy. Approaching the topic in a supportive and non-judgmental way can help alleviate some of your anxieties. It is important to recognize that it is not your partner’s responsibility to resolve your jealousy, but open communication can foster a sense of security and trust in the relationship.

Seeking professional help is often necessary for overcoming retroactive jealousy. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) are highly effective therapies for addressing the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors associated with retroactive jealousy. A therapist can help you develop the tools needed to reframe your thoughts, avoid triggers, and build a healthier mindset.

In addition to individual therapy, relationship or marriage counseling can be beneficial. Working together with a counselor can help you and your partner navigate through difficult emotions, build open and honest communication, and strengthen your relationship. This collaborative approach can pave the way for a more loving and secure partnership.

Limiting social media use is also a practical strategy. Social media can exacerbate retroactive jealousy by providing easy access to information about a partner’s past. Avoiding or limiting these searches can help you stop creating harmful narratives and reduce the triggers that fuel your jealousy.

Conclusion

Retroactive jealousy is a complex and deeply personal issue that can significantly impact both the individual experiencing it and their relationships. To overcome it, it is essential to recognize the root causes, often tied to personal insecurities, past traumas, and anxiety.

Key strategies include avoiding triggers such as social media, practicing self-reflection and mindfulness, and seeking professional help through therapies like CBT and ERP. Open communication with your partner and leaning on a support network can also be highly beneficial. Remember, retroactive jealousy is often more about your own fears and insecurities than about your partner’s past.

Taking the first step towards seeking help and developing a healthier mindset can lead to a more secure and fulfilling relationship. Don’t let retroactive jealousy control your life; take action today to reclaim your peace of mind and strengthen your relationships.

We live in a world where our lives are more connected than ever. From social media to online shopping, it’s easy to forget just how much personal information we share every single day. But here’s the truth: protecting your privacy isn’t just about technology—it’s about protecting your mental health, your freedom, and your peace of mind.

At Fitness Hacks for Life, we believe small, practical changes can help you overcome challenges and thrive. That applies not just to your fitness and emotional well-being, but also to how you care for your digital life.

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Why Privacy Matters for Your Well-Being

1. Protects Your Mental Health

When you know your information is safe, you worry less. Too much exposure online can increase anxiety and stress. Setting privacy boundaries helps you feel more in control.

2. Keeps Your Personal Life Personal

Not every detail of your life needs to be shared. Protecting your privacy lets you decide what parts of your story the world sees—and what stays just for you.

3. Helps You Avoid Scams & Stress

Privacy isn’t only about hiding data—it’s about avoiding the headaches that come with identity theft, phishing scams, and unwanted tracking. The less personal information floating around, the fewer problems you’ll face.

4. Supports Healthy Boundaries

Just like setting boundaries in relationships, setting privacy boundaries online builds trust and keeps your life balanced.

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Simple Privacy Hacks You Can Start Today

You don’t have to be a tech expert to keep your privacy safe. Try these easy hacks to protect both your information and your peace of mind:

🔑 Use Strong, Unique Passwords
Think of passwords like house keys—don’t use the same one for every door.

🔑 Turn On Two-Factor Authentication
It’s like adding a lock on top of your lock.

🔑 Think Before You Share
Before posting, ask yourself: Would I be okay if this was public forever? If not, don’t share it.

🔑 Check App Permissions
Many apps ask for access they don’t need. Say “no” to anything that feels unnecessary.

🔑 Use Secure Connections
Stick to websites with “https” and avoid using public Wi-Fi for banking or shopping unless you have a VPN.

🔑 Stay Updated
Updating your apps and devices helps close security holes that hackers love to use.

🔑 Watch Out for Scams
If an email or text feels off—trust your gut. Don’t click suspicious links.

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Final Thoughts

Protecting your privacy isn’t just about staying safe online—it’s about creating more space for peace, freedom, and confidence in your daily life.

At Fitness Hacks for Life, we believe in the power of small, mindful habits. Just like daily self-care helps your emotional health, daily privacy habits help your digital well-being. With a few simple steps, you can build a healthier, safer online life—one that lets you focus on what really matters: overcoming challenges, growing stronger, and thriving every day.

In our fast-paced world, finding a moment of peace can feel impossible. The good news is that you don’t need to dedicate hours to meditation. With just five minutes, you can reset your mind, calm your body, and bring a sense of clarity to your day. This guide will show you how to start a simple, effective five-minute mindfulness practice that fits into even the busiest schedule.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present in the current moment. It’s about observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment. It’s not about emptying your mind, but rather about acknowledging what’s happening, both inside and around you, without getting carried away by it.

The 5-Minute Mindful Breath

This simple exercise is a perfect entry point into mindfulness. You can do it anywhere—at your desk, on your commute, or even standing in line at the grocery store.

1. Find a comfortable position. Sit upright with your feet flat on the floor, or stand with a straight back. Place your hands gently on your lap or at your sides.
2. Close your eyes (if it feels safe). If not, simply soften your gaze and focus on a spot in front of you.
3. Take a deep breath in through your nose. Feel your lungs expand and your stomach rise.
4. Exhale slowly through your mouth. Release any tension you’re holding in your shoulders or jaw.
5. Notice your breath. Pay attention to the sensation of air entering your nostrils, the slight pause, and the feeling of it leaving your body. Don’t try to change your breathing; just observe it.

As your mind wanders (which it will!), gently bring your attention back to the breath. There’s no need to be hard on yourself—the act of redirecting your focus is the practice itself.

Quick Mindfulness Hacks for Your Day

You can infuse mindfulness into your daily routine with a few simple tricks.

• Mindful Coffee Break: Instead of mindlessly scrolling on your phone, take a moment to notice the warmth of your mug, the aroma of the coffee, and the taste as you sip.
• Walking Meditation: As you walk from one place to another, pay attention to the feeling of your feet on the ground and the rhythm of your steps. Notice the sounds, sights, and smells around you.
• Mindful Listening: The next time you’re in a conversation, try to fully listen to the person speaking without thinking about what you’ll say next.

Dive Deeper into Mindfulness

If this five-minute practice resonates with you, consider exploring other aspects of mindfulness to enhance your well-being further.. You can also explore the benefits of mindfulness for stress and anxiety management.

Remember, consistency is more important than duration. A five-minute practice every day is far more beneficial than a one-hour session once a month. Start today and see how just five minutes can change your entire outlook.

In our fast-paced world, it’s easy to feel stretched thin and overwhelmed. We often put the needs of others before our own, leading to burnout and stress. But what if there was a simple way to take back control and feel more balanced? Enter self-care.

Self-care is any action you take to improve your physical, emotional, or mental well-being. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about nourishing yourself so you have the energy to handle life’s challenges. The key is to find what works for you and make it a consistent habit.

The 5 Pillars of Self-Care

Self-care isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. By understanding the different forms it can take, you can build a more comprehensive and effective routine that fits your unique needs.

1. Physical Self-Care

This form of self-care is all about tuning into your body. It involves caring for your physical health to boost your energy levels and reduce stress.

• Move Your Body: Find an activity you genuinely enjoy, whether it’s walking, dancing, or hiking. Consistency is more important than intensity.
• Prioritize Sleep: Establish a consistent sleep schedule, even on weekends. Create a relaxing bedtime routine to signal to your body that it’s time to rest.
• Nourish Your Body: Pay attention to what you eat. Fuel your body with balanced meals and stay hydrated throughout the day.
• Relax and Unwind: Simple acts like taking a warm bath or doing gentle stretches can help release muscle tension and calm your mind.

2. Emotional Self-Care

This pillar is about processing your feelings in a healthy way. It helps you build emotional resilience and self-awareness.

• Journal Your Thoughts: Writing can be a powerful tool for gaining clarity and releasing pent-up emotions.
• Practice Mindfulness: Take a few moments each day to focus on your breath and be present. This can help you manage stress and anxiety.
• Talk to Someone: Sharing your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist provides support and perspective.
• Set Boundaries: Learning to say “no” is an act of self-care. It protects your time and emotional energy.

3. Mental Self-Care

Mental self-care is about keeping your mind active, engaged, and stimulated in a positive way.

• Read for Pleasure: Dive into a new book or article. It’s a great way to escape and expand your knowledge.
• Learn Something New: Take an online class, listen to an educational podcast, or watch a documentary on a new topic.
• Do a Brain Teaser: Challenge yourself with puzzles like Sudoku or a crossword to keep your mind sharp.
• Unplug from Technology: Give your mind a break from the constant input of screens and social media.

4. Social Self-Care

This type of self-care is about nurturing the relationships that make you feel seen and supported.

• Connect with Loved Ones: Make time for quality interactions with friends and family.
• Meet New People: Expand your social circle by joining a club or volunteering for a cause you care about.
• Limit Negative Interactions: It’s okay to create distance from people who consistently drain your energy.
• Practice Kindness: Doing something nice for others can boost your own happiness and sense of connection.

5. Spiritual Self-Care

Spiritual self-care focuses on finding a sense of purpose and connecting with what’s meaningful to you.

• Meditate or Pray: Spend time in quiet reflection to connect with your inner self or a higher power.
• Spend Time in Nature: A walk in the park or a hike in the woods can be incredibly grounding and peaceful.
• Practice Gratitude: Regularly make a list of things you’re thankful for to shift your perspective to the positive.
• Engage in a Creative Activity: Express yourself through art, music, or writing. Creativity is a powerful form of self-expression and stress relief.

By incorporating these practices into your life, you can take control of your well-being, reduce stress, and build a more resilient you. Start small, be consistent, and remember that taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do.

Getting into Older Sibling Vibes

Owning our older sibling vibes is a strong way to express ourselves in today’s world. Growing up as the oldest usually comes with its own set of duties and expectations. Being an older brother or sister often means trying to be a role model who looks like they have everything sorted out. But sometimes, that can lead us to stretch ourselves too thin as we try to take care of everyone else.

Embracing this older sibling thing is more than just playing our family roles; it’s about showing our strength and resilience. When we show up for our younger siblings and friends as our true selves, we change the game for what it means to be an older sibling. This energy helps us not only celebrate our wins but also encourages those around us to embrace who they are in their families and communities.

However, I realized it is our way of caring, and sometimes we care too much! I realized that proclaiming our older sister’s energy goes beyond fulfilling family roles; it becomes a way for us to assert ourselves in society. It becomes a declaration of our strength and resilience. No longer confined by traditional gender roles or societal norms, we redefine what it means to be an older sister, whether biological or not, by showing up authentically in our younger sibling’s time.

We show up whether we are needed: Firstborn women tend to be pleasers; everybody’s got to be happy,” says Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order Book. “They’re the leaders of the family; they tend to be achievers. They’re more likely to be the pilot, the engineer, the architect, or the English teacher. Anywhere where structure and perfection pay, you’ll find the firstborn.” (He says firstborn men, alternatively, tend to be controllers.)

Embracing my older sister’s energy has been liberating. It also allows me to celebrate my accomplishments while supporting others in their journeys. Whether mentoring younger siblings or guiding friends through life’s challenges, wielding this power gives me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. By embracing this self-expression, we uplift ourselves and inspire those around us to stand tall in their unique identities within their families or communities. I do have to learn to let others do their thing.

Not all abusers are narcissists, and not all narcissists are equally abusive.

Key points

• Narcissistic abuse is real, but the term “narcissistic victim syndrome” lacks validity.
• Childhood experiences and personality traits can influence how someone reacts to an abusive relationship.
• The therapist’s role is to assess individual needs, not categorize victims.

Source: Cottonbro Studio / Pexels

With so much being written these days about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and narcissistic abuse, I have noticed a disturbing tendency for some uninformed people to label anyone who hurts them a “narcissist.” The unfortunate corollary is that some people whose intimate partner has hurt them are now describing themselves as suffering from something that they are calling “narcissistic victim syndrome.”

This term is catchy and is being liberally used in many internet posts as if it were an actual diagnosis, although there is no research or credible evidence to support its validity. Unfortunately, the repeated use of this term online is confusing to the general public, especially people trying to understand and recover from a disastrous relationship experience.

Before I go any further, I want to be absolutely clear: Narcissistic abuse is real. No one I know in the field of personality disorders doubts that people who meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder can be abusive to their partners. Anyone in a long-term intimate relationship with a narcissist is likely to experience some form of emotional abuse. Some will experience physical abuse as well. Many people married to narcissists develop stress-related ailments, both psychological and physical. The most common symptoms are some mixture of anxiety, depression, hyperarousal, insomnia, feelings of helplessness, and diminished self-esteem.

(Note: I will be using the terms NPD and narcissist as shorthand ways to describe someone who qualifies for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.)

If Narcissistic Abuse is Real, Why shouldn’t There Be a Diagnosis Called Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?

The main purpose of a mental health diagnosis is to help the clinician choose a useful course of treatment. Saying that someone suffers from narcissistic victim syndrome is not helpful because:

1. Not every abuser who is called a narcissist qualifies for the diagnosis.
2. Not every person who does qualify for a diagnosis of NPD is equally abusive.
3. Not everyone who is in an abusive relationship with a narcissist will experience the same type or degree of psychological damage.
4. The term “victim” implies that the partner was the helpless target of abuse and played no role in the relationship difficulties. This is not always true.
5. The depth of the injury is often related more to the victim’s personality and childhood traumas than to the behavior of the narcissistic partner.

The term narcissistic victim syndrome does not in itself offer enough predictive value to be useful in formulating a treatment plan. Unless the abusive partner has been diagnosed with NPD, a therapist has no way of verifying that the symptoms the client is experiencing are due to being abused by a narcissist.

And while it would be helpful to learn as much as possible about the abusive partner’s style to determine the appropriate treatment plan, each client will still need to be evaluated with regard to their specific symptoms.

These factors contribute to the most damage:

1. The person had an abusive childhood.
2. One or both of their parents were narcissists.
3. The person began the relationship with low self-esteem.
4. The person is submissive and has weak boundaries.
5. The person idealized the narcissistic partner.
6. The person suffers from severe abandonment issues that predate the relationship, which interfered with the person leaving when the abuse started.

Example: The Narcissistic Lawyer and His Women

I once had a strange situation that graphically demonstrated how differently two women could react to the same man with the exhibitionist form of narcissistic personality disorder. I was seeing two women in therapy who did not know each other. After a while, I realized they were both dating the same man. Neither woman knew about the other.

Interestingly, they had very different reactions to him. I have changed all names and details to protect their privacy.

Woman 1: Annie

My client Annie had just started dating Marc (the narcissist), and it was evident that she idealized him and desperately wanted to please him. One day, she came to therapy dressed very differently than usual. When I asked her about her new clothes, she said Marc wanted her to dress young and sexy. She also started taking baking classes because Marc wanted her to make him a cake.

Annie turned herself inside out trying to please Marc and make herself into the type of woman she believed would be worthy of his love. But nothing she did was ever good enough for him. He always found something devaluing to say about Annie’s efforts to please him.

Annie’s sense that she was not good enough for Marc dated back to her early childhood. It had very little to do with Marc and everything to do with Annie’s relationship with her mother. Annie’s mother had been both clingy and devaluing. Her father had left when she was a toddler. It was just the two of them, and Annie became her mother’s substitute for her absent mate.

As an adult, Annie could neither please her mother nor fully separate from her. She described herself as stuck. This is why Annie started therapy with me. Then Annie met Marc. She immediately switched her focus from her mother to Marc. Unfortunately, Marc’s disapproval and his desire to make her over triggered Annie’s old fears of inadequacy and made her cling to him even more.

Woman 2: Marcie

My new client, Marcie, was confident and self-sufficient. She dated Marc for a bit but was unimpressed by him. Unlike Annie, who worshipped him as a god to be pleased, Marcie thought he was pretentious and self-centered. Marc picked up on Marcie’s confidence, and he tried to win her love. The fact that she was not very enthusiastic about dating him made him pursue her all the more.

So, how did this all turn out?

Annie lost what little self-esteem she had. She took everything Marc said as the absolute truth. The more Marc criticized her, the more hopeless, helpless, and depressed she became. As she said to me, “I feel like I will never find someone as great as Marc again. I am so depressed. I can’t eat or sleep. I think I am going crazy.”

Meanwhile, Marcie decided to stop seeing Marc because she found him boring. She told me, “I see no reason to put up with his pretentious BS. The guy is an idiot. I know I can do better.”

So, how would the concept of narcissistic victim syndrome help us understand Annie’s and Marcie’s reactions? In my opinion, it would not add any value. Annie’s issues predated her relationship with Marc, and Marcie did not sustain any damage from the relationship.

Summary

The concept of narcissistic victim syndrome implies that there is a unique set of psychological problems that invariably develop as a result of being in an intimate relationship with a narcissist. It further assumes that there is some significant benefit to the client in being diagnosed as having narcissistic victim syndrome.

The reality is that clients are unique individuals with distinct histories, temperaments, strengths, and vulnerabilities. A treatment plan will depend on the client’s symptoms and issues, not their partner’s diagnosis.

Dr Elinor

Dr. Elinor Greenberg

The tragic events involving Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie have given us a lot to learn.

Julie Cantrell

Written on Sep 21, 2021Youtube/Instagram

As an author and advocate for survivors of domestic violence, I’ve learned a lot about the predictable patterns of unhealthy relationships. After years of personal experiences, research, and outreach, I’ve learned to recognize the tell-tale signs of abuse. I am not a licensed therapist, social worker, police officer, or minister.

In recent days, the tragic events involving Gabby Petito and Brian Laundrie have given us a lot to learn. This case is still under investigation, and I can only make assumptions based on the textbook patterns of abuse I’ve witnessed too many times to count.

I also recognize that multiple families are grieving, and I have tremendous empathy for everyone involved. However, many survivors will resonate with at least some of the following insights, and I’m hoping we can use this tragedy to shift the way we as a culture approach the complicated issue of domestic abuse.

RELATED: If Gabby Petito Was A Person Of Color, Would Anyone Have Cared – Sadly, Probably Not

Let’s Examine 30 Important Lessons This Couple Teaches Us:

1. Followers on social media saw a smiling, happy couple, full of love and wanderlust, setting out for a cross-country adventure while documenting all the joys of young life. In many cases, targets become very good at smiling through the pain.

2. When the public was shown body camera footage captured by Moab City Police officer Daniel Robbins, (who pulled Laundrie and Petito over after the 911 call on August 12), some viewers assumed Petito was suffering from mental illness and Laundrie, while nervous, was the steadier of the two.

3. Other viewers assumed both partners were equally at fault — the old “it takes two” myth that doesn’t really apply to most abusive situations.

4. Some people even assumed Petito was the abuser and Laundrie was the victim.

5. These three assumptions probably crossed everyone’s mind as a possibility (they did mine). Healthy-minded people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially when someone is being accused of a negative act. Also, we can all understand that mental illness is a difficult situation and can tax even the kindest most gentle of souls (and the people who love them). Unfortunately, in many cases, this thought pattern leads us to assume the victim is mentally ill or that the victim is to blame for an altercation.

6. “Victim blaming” can happen even in the worst cases of abuse because we don’t see the longitudinal story unfolding. What we don’t see is that the target has managed to keep things together until she reached her threshold, at which time we may see her crying, yelling, or breaking down emotionally. By exhibiting those behaviors, many might assume the target is “crazy,” and it’s natural for us to feel as if the more stable person is more trustworthy.

7. If we listen carefully to Laundrie’s conversation with the officers, he even laughs and says, “She’s crazy.” (17.09) Then he dismisses it as a joke. Of course, he’s already put this claim in the officers’ minds (and by the nonchalant way he says it, many might assume it’s not the first time he’s said these words.)

8. So while viewers (and officers) start wondering if perhaps the target is “crazy,” the abuser plays the part of the poor, patient partner who has to deal with this irrational person. In the video, Laundrie mentions Petito’s anxiety and her OCD, painting her as an unstable partner. (Please note: I’m not at all justifying any physical violence against either party. No one should intentionally harm any other person. Period.

9. A typical abuser would be skilled at convincing people that he’s innocent, while in fact he’s been acting very differently behind closed doors, pushing his target to this point intentionally and feeding on her emotional break. Many abusers LOVE to see evidence that they’ve hurt their target. They LOVE to see their target in pain. For this reason, “breaking” the target is usually the goal from the start. In cases of abuse, it may take an abuser hours, weeks, months, or even years to break the target, but he won’t stop until he gets that reaction, and then he’ll point the finger and say, “See? She’s crazy. I’m just trying to keep her calm.” And then he’ll do it again. And again. And again.

10. As a result, some people will buy into that false narrative. Even the target can be brainwashed to doubt her own truth. Which may be one reason we see Petito making many excuses for Laundrie’s behavior and taking the blame for everything.

RELATED: Dead Body Found In Tillman’s Corner, Alabama Thought By Many To Be Brian Laundrie

11. In contrast, we see Laundrie blaming Petito, insisting he never hit her, and saying he was just trying to keep her calm. He’s charming. He comes across as a loving and loyal partner. He’s joking around with the officers and even gives one a fist bump in the end. All the while, his fiancée is at risk of being charged with domestic assault and possibly spending the night in jail.

12. Later, we’ll hear the 911 recording that (it seems) the responding officers were not fully informed of at the time: “I’d like to report a domestic dispute.” The 49-second audio recording continues as the caller says, “The gentleman was slapping the girl.” When the dispatcher asks him to confirm that the man was slapping the girl, the caller responds, “Yes, and then we stopped, they ran up and down the sidewalk, he proceeded to hit her, hopped in the car, and they drove off.”

13. But long before the 911 call was made public, many survivors could already see through the spin playing out on the video footage. They easily recognized the “red flags” because these cycles become the norm for victims of long-standing abuse. Many targets eventually become conditioned to believe everything the abuser does is her fault. Covering for the abuser, accepting all the blame, trying harder to make the abuser happy—this warped reality becomes the only truth a target knows.

14. Also, it seems clear that Petito doesn’t want her fiancé to be in any trouble. She’d rather pay the price and protect the man she loves. And because she probably believes he only acted this way because of her mood/behaviors/anxiety/OCD/job, she doesn’t want him to be blamed. This is also the norm in abusive relationships.

15. Many experienced and well-trained officers see right through this typical pattern. Others buy the cover-up story. And, sadly, because some officers are also abusers, some side with the abuser even when they know exactly what’s going on. Throughout the video, we get the sense that Officer Robbins senses there’s more to the story.

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16. I credit the police in Petito’s situation, especially Officer Robbins. The four responding officers (two of whom were park rangers) remained calm, they separated the couple, interviewed them individually, split them up for the night, consulted the domestic violence shelter … many would say they did everything right considering the information they had at the time.

17. I imagine the officers involved may be suffering from tremendous guilt and wondering if they could have prevented Petito’s death, but I want to give credit to the officers in this case. While it’s easy to look back and say maybe they should have handled things differently, knowing what we now know, I was impressed with how well they treated both Laundrie and Petito (and, sadly, I was thinking how rare it is to see that level of respect and professionalism in most cases of domestic violence, particularly in the South where I’ve been most involved with survivors’ stories.)

18. After Petito was reported missing, many people expressed shock in response to the Laundrie family’s refusal to cooperate early in the investigation. Petito reportedly lived with the Laundrie family for more than a year. Anyone can see that this family will do anything to protect their son, even at the cost of an innocent young woman who was a real part of their family and soon to be their daughter-in-law. While most of us can certainly understand parents wanting to protect their son, most would agree they crossed a moral line when his fiancée went missing.

19. But perhaps it goes deeper than that. Perhaps what we’re seeing is a system of enablers who not only allowed their son to abuse Petito (which may have been a factor in her reported anxiety) but also a system of gaslighters who may have always been shifting the truth to keep Petito confused and make her believe she was the problem.

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20. It’s not a far stretch to assume Petito was caught in a system of abuse. And once a target is caught in that psychological web, it’s extremely difficult to see a way out. Reality becomes flipped.

RELATED: Gabby Petito’s Boyfriend Brian Laundrie Allegedly Spotted In Alabama Heading To Mexico As FBI Search His Home

21. It’s also worth noting that Petito and Laundrie had been involved in various levels of a relationship since their teens. This is also commonly observed in dysfunctional partnerships.

22. These immature relationships work beautifully when both partners grow together and mature emotionally. But when one wants to keep the other down, naïve, and under his control … and the other is growing, learning, and maturing … it doesn’t work.

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23. We hear Petito tell the officer that Laundrie didn’t think she could succeed with her travel blog (3.25). It seems clear that he didn’t believe in her and that he was trying to make her doubt herself.

24. Throughout the conversation, he implies that he locked her out of the van because she wouldn’t calm down. But when we listen to the full video, it seems he was upset because they’d spent too much time at the coffee shop with her working on her website when he wanted to go hiking. This suggests that because she wasn’t in the van when he was ready to leave, he lost his temper.

25. In the moments that followed, the altercation became physical. Reportedly, Laundrie squeezed Petito’s face with his hand, cut her down verbally, and criticized her.

26. Some would argue that this escalating abuse typically persists until the target reacts emotionally and/or physically. If this case follows the norm, Laundrie may have been trying to break her spirit, intentionally

27. Why? Again, if this case follows the typical situation, it would likely be because Petito’s focus wasn’t 100% on Laundrie. She had found this new job she enjoyed. She was succeeding at it, and it was allowing her to connect with other people. (Remember, she’d already left her job as a nutritionist to travel around the country with Laundrie.)

28. In a healthy relationship, the new job might be considered a positive opportunity for Petito. Especially considering Laundrie admits they have very little money (not even enough to afford a hotel room to prevent his fiancée from going to jail). But in an unhealthy relationship, the abuser wants the target all to himself. And when that doesn’t happen, he can become increasingly violent.

29. Petito now had this one little piece of her life that Laundrie couldn’t control, so if we’re looking at textbook patterns, perhaps her blog angered him. Perhaps he didn’t like all the attention she was getting on social media. Perhaps he punished her for it. And then a cycle developed. Even though she was doing nothing wrong by building a new career.

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30. The next thing we know, we have a missing person, a recovered body, a young man on the run, and several families destroyed. Too much grief to measure. And the truth is, it will happen again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until we learn to recognize and respond to abusive situations in healthier ways.

The Overall Takeaway?

When we see someone at her emotional end during a domestic dispute, we shouldn’t assume she’s crazy. We shouldn’t buy into the false narrative given by the abuser. We shouldn’t believe the cover-up story by the target who has been conditioned to carry all the blame and shame. And we shouldn’t assume they’re going to be okay.

Instead, we should all learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. We should learn to recognize the warning signs of abuse. We should engage in respectful, fact-based conversations about trauma bonds, abusive cycles, and emotional intelligence.

We should be familiar with terms like gaslighting, hovering, love bombing, enabling, triangulating, and projecting. We should stop blaming targets and help them reclaim their truth. And we should stop repeating the age-old myths that keep targets trapped in these dangerous and all-too-often deadly cycles.

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Finally, while I’ve used the most common scenario of male-on-female violence in this article, we should recognize that abuse crosses all barriers and can impact anyone regardless of gender, sexuality, ethnicity, nationality, religious affiliation, age, or socio-economic level.

And we should stop assuming these situations will get better in time. Personally, I haven’t heard of one abusive relationship that became healthier. Not one. Not with therapy. Not with church. Not with prayer or forgiveness or complete surrender. When an abuser is determined to destroy his target, he will not stop until that target is erased from this world or stripped from her life.

And in many cases, he’ll walk away without any consequences, often taking the target’s finances, home, vehicle, reputation, or even her children with him.

Please don’t let the next statistic be you or someone you love. For support, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. From a safe phone, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.

Julie Cantrell is a New York Times and USA TODAY bestselling author, editor, ghostwriter, and TEDx speaker. Her newest book hits shelves October 12.

Learn to recognize the textbook patterns of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths to protect yourself and those you love from being abused

Master manipulators act in patterned and predictable steps. Through their twisted lens, the world is their chessboard and people are pawns to be used and abused.

If we know what to watch for, we’ll be far less likely to be played by these cons, whether as individuals or as a society. So let’s walk through the typical strategies in a narcissistic playbook.

Manipulators Set Their Mark

First, master manipulators set their focus on a target. This target may be a person, group, system, or nation that they’ll try to exploit for purposes of self-gain or simply to feel a surge of power and control.

These manipulators fail to understand that true strength is choosing love and kindness, and because they lack any sense of empathy or compassion for other people, they actually view kindhearted and honest souls as weak and pathetic. They often refer to their targets as “Losers” because they believe they’re “Winning” at some kind of game.

Unable to form healthy relational attachments, these psychologically damaged individuals rely on manipulative maneuvers when interacting with other people. They often start by luring a target during a grooming period. This phase may or may not include love bombing, but ultimately this is the stage in which a healthy-minded person believes they’re entering into a genuine, trusting, safe relationship (whether platonic, professional, or intimate).

In this stage of their game, the abusers convince a target that they’re trustworthy and on their side in the world — more than anyone else. Then, they establish solid trauma bonds as they gaslight and brainwash a target through a progressive slide of abuse and alienation.

This pattern is common for sexual predators, trafficking rings, and domestic abusers (whether physical, sexual, spiritual, financial, or psychological). But these same textbook maneuvers are used by con-artists of all types, building the trust of a target while gaining access to their bank accounts, bodies, minds, and spirits. They set their mark and then systematically devour a soul one small compromise at a time.

They set their mark and then systematically devour a soul one small compromise at a time.

While that slow progression is quite common (and well documented by those who study sociopathic/psychopathic behavior), manipulators may also lash out with an impulsive blast against someone who dares to question, challenge, or discern the abuser’s true character (especially if it’s done in public to tap into the abuser’s core of shame). This is typically known as “narcissistic rage” and it’s the kind of rant we’ve witnessed recently when R. Kelly exploded during an interview with Gayle King.

In that moment of rage, manipulators feel ALL POWERFUL, especially if their target becomes emotional, silenced, or afraid. And that’s a drug these abusers learn to crave.

Another reason manipulators attack a target is when they aim bitterly at anyone who threatens the abuser’s frail ego simply by existing in the world as a stronger, smarter, kinder, happier, or more successful person/group/system. This is the age-old story of jealousy taken to an extreme. As Taylor Swift sings, “People throw rocks at things that shine.”

“People throw rocks at things that shine.” — Taylor Swift

In this last situation, imagine emotionally fragile children who haven’t yet developed a sense of security in the world. Unlike more secure children who are willing to share, these less-secure children would rather destroy a toy then let someone else enjoy it. If their envy becomes pathological, they’ll even aim to destroy the happy child (whether over a toy, attention, approval, or just soul-deep jealousy of the one who is happier.)

Now picture this happening on an adult level. This may involve a competitive co-worker who sabotages someone’s career, a jealous ex who stalks the new lover, a narcissistic partner who sets out to destroy someone’s entire life, or a psychopathic serial killer who preys upon the innocent simply for the thrill of taking total power over someone who has what the killer wants — innocence, love, happiness, friendships, trust.

Beware the Smear Campaign and the False Reality

Once the manipulators choose a target, they will intentionally erode the target’s reputation by labeling that target as unsafe, crazy, wacko, psycho, sick, unfit, a liar, a thief, a cheater, a criminal… anything to make people doubt the innocence/competence/stability/sanity of that target. They may even replace the target’s name with a nickname based on this false persona and repeat that accusation constantly until bystanders begin to associate the target accordingly.

Abusers do this by finding one small mistake or flaw, exploiting that weakness, and eroding the credibility of the person or system by exaggerating and obsessively focusing on that one weak point. If manipulators can convince enablers to doubt the truth for even a second… they can reframe reality and convince them to believe wildly distorted claims or “alternative facts.”

If manipulators can convince enablers to doubt the truth for even a second… they can reframe reality and convince them to believe wildly distorted claims or “alternative facts.”

Taking this as far as they can go, manipulators will push this “spin” by launching an all-out smear campaign, causing some people (enablers) to doubt or distance themselves from the innocent scapegoat. This is what forms a “system of abuse.”

Consider recent situations involving Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, and Larry Nassar. None of those predators could have gotten away with their horrifically violent abuses without an entire system of enablers surrounding them.

Many manipulators take it even farther, brainwashing other bystanders to join in on the abuse. These co-abusers are called “flying monkeys” as a tie to The Wizard of Oz in which the Wicked Witch of the West holds court in her castle while sending her troops out to do the dirty work. With enough flying monkeys, some manipulators choose to step back and keep their hands clean while pulling the puppet strings of the people around them.

As an example, take a look at American History X, a 1998 American crime drama written by David McKenna. In that film, the leader of a white supremacist group sits up in his seedy office and fuels a circle of manipulative minds. He labels innocent people as the enemy and then sets his flying monkeys loose to attack. Is he committing violent acts? No. But is he a puppet master pulling the strings without any regard for how those actions will impact the young extremists in his clutch (much less their targets)? Absolutely.

Another juvenile behavior manipulators may revert to is backstabbing to triangulate their targets. In this case, they pit two targets against one another just to watch them devour each other.

Consider The Girl on the Train, the bestselling novel by Paula Hawkins. In this story, the manipulative husband plays his ex-wife against his current wife (and then, just for kicks, adds in a new partner). His goal is to scapegoat his ex. But, he’s already starting in on his current wife as his new target. He’s so good as his game, he convinces everyone his ex is not only insane but a murderer… he even convinces her of that false reality.

And that’s the real danger of these manipulators. They aim to make their target lose complete grip of the truth.

And that’s the real danger of these manipulators. They aim to make their target lose complete grip of the truth.

Triangulation may involve two people, two families, two companies, two rivals, or two groups of people (races, religions, classes, tribes, nations). A cheating husband may bring his lover to a dinner hosted by his wife. A manipulative ex may triangulate the kids as weapons against their innocent parent. A corporate executive may pit two competitors against each other to weaken them before pouncing with a buyout. A tyrant may fuel hate between two factions, encouraging them to tear each other to bits so they’re too distracted to notice the destructive things he’s doing right in front of them all. By trying to divide and then conquer, these abusers play a sick game from the start.

By trying to divide and then conquer, these abusers play a sick game from the start.

Peek Behind the Curtain

When the target starts to question the truth, manipulators will project their own unhealthy behaviors onto the target and convince enablers that the innocent scapegoat is the one guilty of the very crimes they’re committing. The abusers will also play the victim, gathering empathy from those who can’t see behind their masks.

For example, if a husband is having an affair, he’ll accuse the wife of cheating. If a con is stealing from the company, she’ll accuse an innocent coworker of stealing.

If we really want to know the sins of master manipulators, listen to what they accuse others of doing and we’ll know exactly what they’re up to.

If we really want to know the sins of master manipulators, listen to what they accuse others of doing and we’ll know exactly what they’re up to.

Discernment is Key

Once we understand clearly how this twisted con game works, it’s very easy to identify the “players” of the world.

So how do we maintain our own power? By choosing not to become an abuser, an enabler, or a flying monkey. And while we can’t always avoid becoming a target (no one is immune), we don’t have to lower ourselves to their standards when we do find ourselves in that terrible position.

Consider The Truman Show, a 1998 American comedy-drama directed by Peter Weir and written by Andrew Niccol. In this story, Truman was groomed from birth to believe in a false reality. While he thought his life was real, he was actually being played, terribly, by everyone he loved and trusted. None of the abuse could have happened if the producer of the reality show that exploited him hadn’t been supported by an entire cast of enablers.

As Truman started to question the truth, the producer upped his abuse. Once he could no longer manipulate Truman completely, he set out to destroy the innocent target, and the entire system rallied behind him because it benefitted them to keep Truman in the show.

This story serves as a strong example of how difficult it is to realize we’re being manipulated, break free of the lies, reclaim the truth, and fight our way to freedom, especially when an entire system is trying to convince us we’re the one who is wrong and the manipulator is right. It takes tremendous strength, clarity, resilience, and spiritual discernment to stay true to ourselves in that kind of storm.

The key is to keep our heart open, our mind clear, our feet steady, and our soul anchored to a greater, more powerful, more sacred source of positive energy so we can discern the truth without being blown to bits by the dark, negative vortex of destruction.

Many icks, on reflection, are just harmless “nicks.”

THE BASIC

Source: Photo by Polina Zimmerman / Pexels

The ick is giving me the ick.

In a world of trending dating terminology, “the ick” has proven surprisingly enduring. Headlines like “Three Ways to Combat the Ick” or “Got the Ick?” continue to flood social media. On TikTok, there are a whopping 191.5 million videos tagged with the term. Reddit communities thrive on users swapping stories of ick-inducing moments, from wearing capris on a first date to running to grab sweets from a piñata. (How else is one supposed to do it?) Even Netflix’s latest rom-com series Nobody Wants This features Joanne (Kristen Bell) doing what she thought was impossible: getting over her new partner’s ick (although, let’s face it, when it’s Adam Brody, it shouldn’t be that hard).

And it’s not just online. The ick has fully woven itself into common discourse. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve overheard discussions of the ick. And, for the record, I’m not immune to it either; I may lambaste it professionally, but I caught myself saying it when a date repeatedly texted me “Oi” instead of Hello.

This year, the ick was one of 3200 new buzzwords to enter the Cambridge Dictionary. Originally coined by a Love Island contestant who used it to describe the breakdown of her relationship, the ick denotes a characteristic or behavior that elicits disgust or revulsion. Disgust, as it turns out, is a real, well-evidenced phenomenon: Psychological research shows us that it has a clear evolutionary purpose. It’s a survival mechanism that helped our ancestors avoid danger, from poisonous food to pathogens.

But somewhere along the way, our use of the ick became problematic.

To begin with, the ick has zero scientific basis. (While we’re at it, the same largely goes for our beloved ‘love languages’ and ‘dating flags.’) There’s plenty of rigorous, empirical research on the role of disgust—such as studies showing that women are more prone to experiencing it than men—but there’s no evidence that avoiding or succumbing to the ick has any bearing on short- or long-term relationship success or satisfaction. And yet it’s morphed into a catch-all term we use for anything that mildly irritates or irks us, whether it’s singing too loudly or walking too slowly in public.

The trouble is that one person’s quirk could easily be another person’s ick. When we start scrutinising a person—or a date—for potential icks, there’s no stopping us. We become hyper-judgmental, vigilant daters on a constant search for reasons to be ambivalent towards someone, or worse, to jump ship.

We’re not even reliable judges of the ick. As a psychologist, I am constantly preaching the dangers of cognitive biases. We may think we know ourselves, but our blind spots are ever-present. Take confirmation bias, when we may unfairly interpret a partner’s actions to reinforce our assumptions, or the halo effect, when we let one positive impression (e.g. attractiveness) influence our overall view of a person. Relying on our perceptions of the ick is risky business.

But of all the problems with the ick, my biggest concern is that we’ve started using the term as a quick and dirty barometer for incompatibility. If a person gives us the ick by clapping when the plane lands, or wearing sunglasses indoors, it’s often game over. But these are not actual, meaningful measures of compatibility. These are what I call “nicks”— small annoyances or superficial quirks that, like proverbial paper cuts, heal quickly with time.

A true ick, on the other hand, should be something that genuinely disgusts us. A trait like extreme negativity or constant criticism, that’s an ick. So is being self-absorbed and quick to mock someone for their words or actions. Or refusing to take accountability and being defensive. Or stonewalling—withdrawing to avoid conflict. Research by relationship psychologist John Gottman has consistently found that these are the behaviours that can lead to the breakdown of a relationship—and so these are the icks we should be looking out for.

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When we confuse nicks with icks, we lose sight of what’s actually important and our attention gets diverted to the wrong place. While quirks and annoyances can be overcome, the real work of building a relationship lies in addressing the traits and behaviors that truly affect its foundation.

So the next time you find yourself on a date cringing at someone’s insistence on saying gracias with a faux Spanish accent, pause for a moment. Is it a harmless nick, or is it a genuine ick that signals deeper incompatibilities? The distinction matters. Don’t let a distraction cause you to miss the bigger picture.

Facebook image: Nicoleta Ionescu/Shutterstock

Sanna Balsari-Palsule, Ph.D.

About

Sanna Balsari-Palsule, Ph.D., is a behavioral scientist.