Dealing with a narcissistic or toxic family member can be one of the most emotionally draining experiences a person faces. Unlike a coworker or acquaintance, you can’t simply cut ties easily when the individual is your parent, sibling, or close relative. Narcissistic family dynamics are often marked by manipulation, gaslighting, boundary violations, and cycles of love and rejection. Learning how to recognize these behaviors and protect your mental health is essential. Research shows that narcissistic traits are strongly linked to self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and control-seeking behaviors (Campbell & Foster, 2007).

Recognizing Narcissistic Family Dynamics

1. Constant Criticism or Control
   A narcissistic family member often undermines your confidence, offering harsh criticism under the guise of “helping.” They may also attempt to control your choices, from career to relationships.
2. Gaslighting and Denial
   Gaslighting—making you question your memory, perceptions, or feelings—is a hallmark of narcissistic behavior (Stern, 2018). A toxic relative might deny things they said or twist events to make you feel unstable.
3. Favoritism and Triangulation
   Narcissists may create competition among siblings or relatives, using favoritism and comparison to stir jealousy and maintain control (Brown, 2016).
4. Emotional Rollercoasters
   You may feel loved and appreciated one moment, then rejected or ignored the next. This inconsistency keeps you emotionally hooked, always seeking approval.

Why It’s Harder With Family?

Family ties make boundaries more complicated. Many people feel guilt or obligation to maintain relationships, even when they are unhealthy. Research on family systems shows that toxic dynamics can shape self-esteem and identity well into adulthood (Bowen, 1978). Breaking free from these patterns requires both mindfulness and intentional boundary setting.

Strategies for Protecting Your Mental Health

1. Set and Enforce Boundaries

Boundaries are not punishments—they’re protections. Communicate clearly:

• “I’m not comfortable discussing that.”
• “If you raise your voice, I’m leaving the conversation.”

Even if the narcissist ignores or pushes back against your limits, consistently holding your ground reinforces your self-respect.

2. Use the Grey Rock Technique

This strategy involves becoming emotionally unreactive. Instead of defending yourself or arguing, keep responses brief and neutral. By refusing to feed into their manipulation, you minimize their control (Stosny, 2013).

3. Detach Emotionally

Recognize that their behavior says more about them than about you. Adopting an observer mindset—where you notice patterns without internalizing blame—helps protect your emotional energy (Ronningstam, 2016).

4. Limit Contact (If Possible)

If interactions are consistently damaging, consider reducing the time you spend with them. In extreme cases, “low contact” or “no contact” may be necessary for healing.

5. Prioritize Self-Care

Counterbalance the negativity by investing in self-care practices: meditation, journaling, therapy, or time with supportive friends. Research shows that mindfulness improves resilience and emotional regulation in stressful relationships (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011).

6. Seek Support

Talking with a therapist or joining a support group can help you validate your experiences and develop coping strategies. A neutral, professional perspective can also reduce feelings of guilt or obligation.

When Guilt Gets in the Way?

One of the hardest aspects of dealing with a toxic family member is guilt. Narcissistic relatives often weaponize family loyalty to keep you tied to unhealthy dynamics. Remember: protecting your mental health is not selfish—it’s necessary.

A useful affirmation is: “I can love my family while also loving myself enough to create boundaries.”

Conclusion

Dealing with a narcissist or toxic family member is challenging, but not impossible. By recognizing the signs of manipulation, setting firm boundaries, and practicing self-care, you can protect your well-being. Family ties do not require you to sacrifice your mental health. As Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a psychologist who specializes in narcissism, often reminds her clients: “Radical acceptance of who they are sets you free to live your life.”

Protecting yourself does not mean you don’t care about your family—it means you also care about your own peace, healing, and future.

References

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.).
• Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice.
• Brown, N. W. (2016). Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
• Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. The Self, 115–138.
• Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056.
• Ronningstam, E. (2016). Pathological narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder in DSM-5. Personality Disorders, 7(3), 203–210.
• Stern, R. (2018). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
• Stosny, S. (2013). Living and Loving After Betrayal.

Respect—giving and getting—is an important factor in negotiations and produces best outcomes. Too often children and the elderly are not accorded the respect they deserve. Seeing negotiation as competition limits possibilities for good outcomes.

Source: Ilyasick/Pexels

How to Give and Get Respect in Negotiations?

Respect is an important element of negotiation. It’s important to give respect—and to earn it.

At the outset, it is worth noting that the word “respect” is often misused, as in having “grudging respect” for someone. Grudging respect is usually fear-based at its core. When people comply, obey, or demur out of fear, that is not actually respect, and it is definitely not a healthy basis for negotiations in a relationship (whether personal or professional). When people try to exert power over another (as opposed to power with another), even when successful, there is no earned respect and, therefore, no strong foundation for effective negotiation or superior outcomes.

Having said that, it is possible to respect someone’s achievements without liking how they got there. It is also possible to respect someone’s achievements and the process and still not like the person.

Respect is recognizing someone else’s humanity or personhood. It is seeking to listen to and understand the other person. It is ensuring one does not see other people as mere means to an end. Many think this is tricky in negotiation, but such a view likely stems from a win-lose, zero-sum approach to negotiation as opposed to a collaborative, principled, and integrative approach.

A fixed-mindset approach to negotiations can interfere with the ability to bring the requisite level of respect to the table and so interfere with one’s ability to get better buy-in and better outcomes. People often take such an approach based on widely accepted conditioning and myths about negotiation. These myths include the idea that negotiation is a competition, that successful negotiations are all about toughness ,and that one ought never cede any ground. None of these myths hold any truth.

Self-protection is another key source of interference in one’s ability to give (and so receive) respect in negotiation relationships. When operating from self-protective mode as opposed to self-leadership, people are less able to present the best version of themselves and show respect to other party.

There are many scenarios in which people struggle with respecting the other party in a negotiation, whether consciously or unconsciously. It is worth exploring some to raise one’s intentionality about incorporating respect as a foundation in all one’s negotiations.

Dealing with Children

In negotiating with children, many people do not truly listen or seek to understand and meet the needs of the child. Many do not drop all distractions, give undivided attention, or listen without interrupting or interjecting opinions, suggestions, or interpretations.

Many people tend to exert power over children rather than seek to establish power with them. Adults tend to assume they know best. Such a lack of respect can make children feel unvalued, unimportant, or “less than’”. It also interferes with the ability to come to mutually superior solutions. Perhaps most important, if not giving respect, one is not likely to earn authentic respect. It is important to be intentional about bringing respect to all discussions when negotiating in relationships with children.

This approach becomes even more challenging as children transition into adulthood. For parents, letting go can be difficult. When there is resistance to that, many fail to give the much-needed respect to ensure self-esteem and ability to grow in healthy ways (in their relationship with parents and beyond).

Fears, hopes, and dreams drive the urge to interfere, overwhelm, and smother when what’s needed is a pause, a deep breath, and a perspective shift. When a child’s viewpoint is valued and respected, there is more likely to be reciprocal respect.

Dealing with the Elderly

The challenges of transition as kids grow into adults are echoed in dealing with elderly people. Many tend to drop the ball in negotiating a relationship with aging parents (or other seniors) as well. This often stems from fear. It can be difficult to see once seemingly all-knowing and powerful parents decline, and many people respond by imposing personal views. After a lifetime of contribution, respect is deserved.

Dealing with Coworkers

In the workplace, as coworkers grow, develop, and transition to next levels, it can be difficult to accommodate such changes. Many continue to treat former subordinates as underlings and, in so doing, disrespect them and damage the relationship in the process.

Dealing with Mental Health Issues

It is important to consider how much respect is due to people with mental health issues. Too often,, a dismissive, disrespectful approach is often taken in such situations. It is important to give respect and trust, attend to verbal and nonverbal communication, and be intentional about understanding the issue(s) from the other person’s perspective. It is important not to try to “help” by exerting power over them.

In any negotiation, whether personal or professional, it is important to remember to give respect, and it will be reciprocated. In so doing, better outcomes can be achieved with corresponding better relationships and buy

Cindy Watson, B.A., LLB, JD, is the founder of Women On Purpose and creator of the Art of Feminine Negotiation programs. She’s also the founder and managing partner of Watson Labour Lawyers, as an attorney specializing in social justice law for 30 years.

How do you know you have a toxic family or family member? You may feel anxious or nervous when you have to interact with them. You may feel drained and overwhelmed when speaking with them. They may be addicted to drama, tend to overreact emotionally, and create scenes in public or within a family. They may be emotionally immature for their age and may share personal things you said to them in confidence with other people to harm you. Worse, you may feel confused, manipulated, and emotionally harmed after interacting with them. Also, when you assert your emotional and physical boundaries with them, they become angry because they don’t respect your limits.

Naturally, every family has disagreements. We have the most to learn from our differences and often learn from those we love. However, while all families have disagreements and conflicts, toxic family systems use extremely unhealthy ways of interacting with each other and resolving conflict. While conflict and tension are inevitable in any family, the manner the way the conflict is handled is what differentiates a healthy family system from a toxic family system.

Chronic toxic behaviors by one or more family members can cause emotional harm.  In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined  “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to other members. These emotionally violent behaviors can cause depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and feelings of helplessness for the victims and even the whole family system. While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, post-traumatic stress, and mental injury.

Family Emotional Violence

Research supports the idea that a certain level of “aggression” is a “normal” part of family life. These levels are usually culturally-approved (Barnett, Miller-Perrin, & Perrin, 2011). For example, in Western cultures, many healthy families and couples may lose their tempers or say hurtful things to each other on occasion.

However, if these harmful tactics—combined with conflict avoidance (gossiping, criticism, pitting, splitting)—become consistent ways of resolving problems, a toxic family dynamic may occur. Unfortunately, one toxic family member or “bad apple” can cause significant damage to an entire family system.

Psychological Bullying

While physical violence causes bodily injury, emotional or interpersonal violence can cause psychological harm, stress, and mental injury. In dysfunctional families, these behaviors have been coined as “toxic” because they can cause relational harm to a group. A hallmark of a toxic person is the severe harm she/he can cause to a group: workplace, family, or even government.

For instance, in a family, a toxic sister, aunt, mother, or cousin can cause relationship harm between family members. They may split and pit family members against each other (toxic behavior), usually by lying for their own personal gain. This form of psychological bullying is quite harmful to family members and may manifest in depression, anxiety, feelings of helplessness, or post-traumatic stress symptoms in many family members.

Sometimes, these family members causing destruction are suffering from their own mental health problems, often undiagnosed. According to Dr. George Simon, these may be disturbances of character. In medical terms, perpetrators may be suffering from a diagnosis on the personality disorder spectrum (American Psychiatric Association, 2014).

Dangerous Family Members: Pathological Personality

The connection between psychopathic traits and crime is well-researched, but the rate of victimization within families and relatives is lacking research and is not fully understood (Leedom, 2017). However, psychologists find the clinical problem of personality disorders is increasingly prevalent among patients who create toxic family dynamics.

A personality disorder is a pervasive lifelong pattern of behavior that leads to distress or impairment. They can have significant impairment in ways of seeing other people, themselves, and events. They also usually have impairments in emotional maturity. In addition, they can have affective problems, such as an inability to regulate their emotional responses.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), these include diagnoses such as Narcissistic, Antisocial, and Borderline Personality Disorders. Sociopathy and psychopathy are used in popular culture to describe personalities and behaviors on this spectrum, but these are not actual diagnoses found in the DSM-5. It can be very confusing to the public and clinicians alike because there is so much comorbidity or overlap between symptoms and behaviors of personality disorders.

Is the Specific Diagnosis Important?

Experts agree that there is significant overlap among the many personality disorders. The American Psychiatric Association (2013) has proposed an alternative model for conceptualizing personality disorders in the future because of this problem with comorbidity across personality disorders. For example, there are similar traits and behaviors between Narcissistic, Borderline, and Antisocial personality disorders. The alternative DSM-5 model includes general criteria for a personality disorder, a person who has impairments in personality functioning, or one or more pathological personality traits.

Within the family system context, however, an actual diagnosis is not as important as recognizing patterns of those who suffer from personality disorders and how they may affect your family.

Are They “Treatable”?

Personality disorders are far more serious than many other mental health disorders because they are difficult to treat. This is for two reasons:

1. Treatment resistance—i.e., those with personality disorders don’t understand they have the problem and blame others.

2. It is difficult to treat a personality because they are ingrained personality traits—unlike, for example, a mood disorder.

Whether or not they seek (or respond to) treatment, what you can do is recognize and understand these “clinically disturbed” people in your life, regardless of specific diagnostic labels. According to George Simon, Ph.D., author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People in Your Life, it is important to recognize certain behaviors to mitigate the damage of interacting with these types of “clinically disturbed” people.

Toxic Family Dynamics

Unsure if you’re dealing with a toxic family member or toxic family dynamics? These behaviors may indicate that things have turned toxic by the presence of emotional drama:

• Splitting: Planting seeds where jealousy, resentment, and anger will flourish (covert).
• Pitting: Setting family members against each other, usually through dishonesty (covert).
• Triangulation: Do not confront each other directly and triangulate another family member (covert).
• Smear Campaigns: Premediated efforts to tarnish another person’s reputation and character usually by lying and deceit, often delusional in nature (covert).
• Chronic disrespect and contempt.
• Pathological lying
• Becomes angry and protests when you assert boundaries.
• Refusal to apologize.
• Takes no responsibility, and blames others.
• Controlling.
• Verbal assaults (overt (obvious) and covert (behind the scenes).

Unfortunately, many families with a history of adverse childhood experiences or adult children of alcoholics may think these family dynamics are “normal.” And they may be normal—but are they healthy? If they are chronically causing you distress and impairment, including anxiety and depression, you may need to re-assess your exposure. 

The issue of distancing and estrangement from toxic family members is a very complicated and personal one. This is one of the most asked questions in my private practice. The next series of articles will cover the issue of emotional distancing strategies, estrangement, and resolution.

Copyright 2020: Dr. Tracy Hutchinson, Ph.D.

In a world that often feels overwhelming, managing stress and anxiety can be a daily challenge. While these feelings are a normal part of life, when they become chronic, they can take a significant toll on your mental and physical health. The good news is that you have a powerful tool at your disposal: mindfulness. This practice isn’t just about finding a moment of calm—it’s about fundamentally changing your relationship with stressful thoughts and anxious feelings.

Understanding the Connection

Stress and anxiety often stem from our thoughts about the past or worries about the future. We get caught in a cycle of “what if” scenarios, reliving past events, and anticipating future problems. This mental time travel prevents us from being present and can trigger our body’s stress response.

Mindfulness helps us break this cycle by teaching us to stay anchored in the here and now. By observing our thoughts and feelings without judgment, we can begin to see them for what they are—just thoughts and feelings, not absolute truths. This simple shift in perspective can create a powerful buffer against the cascade of stress and anxiety.

Practical Mindfulness Techniques

Here are a few simple exercises you can use to manage stress and anxiety in the moment.

The 3-Minute Breathing Space

This exercise is designed to be used when you feel overwhelmed.

1. Step 1: Awareness. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Acknowledge what’s happening. What thoughts are you having? How are you feeling emotionally? Where do you feel these sensations in your body?
2. Step 2: Gathering. Gently guide your attention to the sensation of breathing. Focus on the rise and fall of your abdomen or the feeling of air moving in and out of your nostrils. Let your breath be an anchor, grounding you in the present moment.
3. Step 3: Expanding. Expand your awareness from your breath to your entire body. Notice any sensations you feel—the pressure of your feet on the floor, the weight of your clothes on your skin, or the temperature of the air. Acknowledge these sensations without trying to change them.

Mindful Walking

Mindful walking can be a powerful way to relieve anxious energy. Instead of rushing from one place to another, try to be fully present with each step. Notice the feeling of your foot lifting and then placing itself back down on the ground. Pay attention to the rhythm of your body’s movement and the sights and sounds around you.

Body Scan Meditation

This practice involves systematically bringing your attention to different parts of your body. You can do this lying down or sitting comfortably. Start with your toes and slowly move your focus up through your body, noticing any sensations you feel. This helps you reconnect with your physical self and can release built-up tension.

The Long-Term Benefits

Consistent mindfulness practice trains your brain to be less reactive to stress. It strengthens the neural pathways associated with calm and focus and can even change the structure of your brain over time. By regularly dedicating a few minutes to being present, you can build resilience and find a greater sense of peace and well-being.

Have you ever been so engrossed in an activity that hours seemed to melt away? Where every action felt effortless, and you were performing at your absolute best? This state of complete immersion and enjoyment is known as “flow,” a concept popularized by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. Understanding and intentionally cultivating flow can unlock peak performance, boost creativity, and significantly increase your overall happiness.

What Exactly is Flow?

Flow is an optimal state of consciousness where you feel and perform your best. It’s a mental state in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. Essentially, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.

Imagine a musician lost in a complex piece, a surgeon meticulously performing an operation, or an athlete perfectly executing a play. In these moments, individuals are experiencing flow. They are not thinking about distractions, self-doubt, or the passage of time. They are simply doing.

Key Characteristics of the Flow State:

Csikszentmihalyi identified several core elements that are typically present when someone is in a state of flow:

1. Clear Goals: You know exactly what you need to achieve. The task’s objectives are well-defined.
2. Immediate Feedback: You instantly know how well you’re doing and can adjust your actions accordingly.
3. A Balance Between Challenge and Skill: The task is challenging enough to be engaging but not so difficult that it causes frustration. It stretches your abilities without overwhelming them.
4. Action and Awareness Merge: Your actions become automatic, almost unconscious. You’re not actively thinking about what you’re doing; you’re just doing it.
5. Exclusion of Distractions: You’re so focused that all irrelevant thoughts and worries fade away.
6. No Worry of Failure: Self-consciousness disappears, and there’s no fear of judgment or making mistakes.
7. Transformation of Time: Time perception becomes distorted. Hours can feel like minutes, or vice-versa.
8. Autotelic Experience: The activity itself is intrinsically rewarding. You engage in it for the sheer joy of doing it, not for external rewards.

Why is Flow So Powerful?

Flow isn’t just about feeling good; it has profound benefits for various aspects of your life:

• Increased Productivity and Performance: When you’re in flow, you’re working at your peak efficiency and effectiveness. Complex problems become easier to solve, and tasks are completed with greater precision.
• Enhanced Learning and Skill Development: The challenge-skill balance inherent in flow pushes you to develop new abilities and master existing ones.
• Greater Creativity: With distractions removed and self-consciousness gone, your mind is free to make novel connections and generate innovative ideas.
• Boosted Happiness and Well-being: Flow experiences are deeply satisfying and contribute significantly to overall life satisfaction. They provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
• Reduced Stress and Anxiety: Being fully immersed in a task provides a respite from daily worries and mental clutter.

How to Cultivate More Flow in Your Life:

While flow often happens spontaneously, you can create conditions that make it more likely to occur:

1. Choose Meaningful Challenges: Engage in activities that genuinely interest you and offer a clear sense of purpose.
2. Define Clear Goals: Before starting a task, know exactly what you aim to accomplish. Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps.
3. Seek Immediate Feedback: Choose activities that provide instant feedback on your progress. If not naturally present, create your own feedback loops (e.g., tracking your progress, getting input from others).
4. Match Challenge to Your Skill Level: Find the sweet spot where a task is neither too easy (leading to boredom) nor too hard (leading to anxiety). Continuously adjust the challenge as your skills grow.
5. Eliminate Distractions: Create an environment conducive to deep work. Turn off notifications, find a quiet space, and minimize interruptions.
6. Practice Mindfulness and Focus: Engage in activities that train your attention, such as meditation or focused breathing exercises, to improve your ability to concentrate.
7. Embrace the Process: Shift your focus from the outcome to the experience of the activity itself. Find joy in the journey.
8. Set Aside Dedicated “Flow Time”: Schedule specific blocks of time for activities where you intend to enter a flow state.

Examples of Flow Activities:

Flow can be found in almost any activity, from professional pursuits to hobbies:

• Work: Writing code, strategic planning, designing, complex problem-solving, crafting a compelling presentation.
• Hobbies: Playing a musical instrument, painting, sculpting, gardening, rock climbing, running, playing chess, coding a personal project.
• Daily Life: Cooking a complex meal, engaging in a deeply engrossing conversation, reading a captivating book.

Conclusion

The pursuit of flow isn’t just a psychological theory; it’s a practical framework for living a more engaged, productive, and joyful life. By consciously structuring your activities and environment to meet the conditions for flow, you can unlock your full potential and experience the profound satisfaction of being completely absorbed in what you love to do.

How to cope with obsessive thoughts in a relationship.

“I can’t stop thinking about her”. “I want to know everything about her.” “Time stops when I’m with her.” “I don’t think she knows how much I care about her.”

If you hear these sentences, would you think about love or obsession? Sometimes, separating the two can be quite an endeavor. Having feelings for someone we don’t know very well can border on an insane obsession we cultivate for that person and unhealthy projections we attribute to them.

On Obsession or Being under Siege

In general, obsession is quite an unhealthy state of mind. It becomes even more dangerous when obsession gets confused with romantic feelings somewhat resembling love.

But obsession is a state of mind that tries to tell us something important about ourselves to improve the quality of our lives.

Irvin Yalom once wrote: “Love obsession often serves as a distraction, keeping the individual’s gaze from more painful thoughts.”

Obsession is a distraction; a very dangerous and consuming one. It keeps us from a true intimate connection with ourselves.

That is, if you start obsessing about someone, this person is the least of your problems. It is very likely in fact that this person does not even feel cared for by you.

Obsession is Putting You under Siege

In fact, the word, ‘obsession’ comes from the Latin ob-sidere, which means to be occupied and almost invaded by something that does not belong to you. In fact, the person you may be obsessing about is often a stranger, a long distant friend, a coworker; someone you met only a few times. It is someone you do not know well. The fact that you do not know this person very well allows the obsession to thrive. Thanks to the lack of reality checks, your mind will run wild in projections on the life of this person. You will build possible scenarios about your next encounter with them. Any action or reaction from that person will make your heart beat as never before. You are alive but under siege. You are alive because you are under siege. Suddenly, your mind will be busied with intruding thoughts that do not fully belong to you but keep you busy.

Keeping you busy is the hidden agenda of any obsession. Obsessions are there to displace your attention and care about what truly matters.

But watch out. The glimpses of joy you allow yourself to feel when humoring the obsession are often just an illusion. What seems to bring promises of joy and happiness will be the carrier of a loss of sleep and a ton of anxiety.

How Can You Know If You are in Love, or If You are Just Obsessed?

You can decide to allow yourself some time to answer this question.

If the person you are feeling so much about is the right person for you, the decision about what to do with these important feelings can wait some time; before making big decisions, you can allow yourself to take some distance and check with yourself if there is something missing in your life that justifies the obsessive feelings.

Difference between Obsession and Healthy Loving Feelings

Often, the difference between obsession and healthy loving feelings is marked out by a natural spontaneous and anxiety free growth. When prey to obsessions, you are getting close to the person you feel obsessed about with a ton of anxiety, double guessing, and looping thoughts. So, it might be that you feel attracted to this person and feel slightly insecure about him or her. With a closer look, you might realize that you do not know much about this person. You might see that you did not spend so much time with him or her. You do not actually know how she or he is in the world.

With a deeper introspection, you might even realize that you do not care that much about their life or inner world; what you want is their spotlight on you. You want this person to see you, to get to know you, to get interested in your life. You look forward to making this person part of your life.

In fact, this person whose company you are craving, is you.

Give Yourself What You Fantasize Receiving from Your Obsession

Obsessions are very tricky. In fact, they indicate that there is something so painful and sad at the bottom of your chest that you have decided to disconnect from it.

In fact, if you try to think lucidly through it—”what if I give in to my obsession”—a disastrous chain of events sometimes follows: your marriage breaking up in an awful way, losing respect for yourself, getting so disorganized that a job offer is revoked, etc.

An obsession can help you make the change you are so afraid of. Yet, it will open that door in a tempestuous way: your life will be so busy and disorganized that you will eventually forget about your pain.

Pain Cannot Ever Be Forgotten

It can be repressed, but never deleted from the soul unless you put real work into listening to it.

Ideally, what you can do to care about yourself is to give yourself some time to understand the limits of your situation. To do that, you need to resist the temptation of giving the obsession all your time.

You can pay attention to the obsession, only in so far as it tells you something concrete about what you would like to do. Do you desire to be with the other person? What would make this encounter so special? Do you want this person to know about your interests? Do you want this person to acknowledge the depth of your thoughts and creativity? Then invite all this into your life. Pay attention to your own interests and try to make more time to dedicate yourself to them. Invite sex into your life with your partner, by yourself or by undertaking fun sexual adventures. Be ambitious; start doing with your life what you wish you could do with the person you are obsessing about.

To Conclude: Obsessions are Tough

Obsessions are tough. They are little tornadoes that we invite into our life because mourning would be too painful and making a change too unsafe. The source of pain becomes so remote and disconnected that you need to play the emotional investigator in order to reconnect with that source and resolve the pain.

So, if you start paying attention to what your needs really are and what you expect to find in that person, it might be that the hurting part, hidden somewhere in you, comes back to trust you again with its thoughts and feelings.

It might be that all you can do is just cry and mourn; or it might be that it is time for you to take action in respect of that pain and move on.

In general, the best advice is to take some time for yourself to learn how to cope with the obsession and make a decision that involves the real you, not the you that is under siege.

Author:

Susi Ferrarello, Ph.D., is an associate professor at California State University, East Bay. She completed her doctoral studies in philosophy at the Sorbonne in Paris. She also has an M.A. in human rights and political science from the University of Bologna. She received her accreditation in philosophical counseling in New York under the direction of Dr. Lou Marinoff.