In today’s age of self-help and personal growth, therapy speaks become ubiquitous in our daily conversations. From “setting boundaries” to “self-care,” these buzzwords have permeated our language and culture. While the intention behind using these terms is to promote mental well-being and improve our relationships, some experts argue that therapy speak is doing more harm than good. They suggest that the excessive focus on individualism and self-improvement has made us self-centered and oblivious to the needs of others. In this article, we explore the question: is therapy speaking making us selfish?

Adverse effects of being selfish

Focusing too much on oneself can lead to self-centered behavior that can negatively affect an individual’s relationships and overall well-being. Here are eight ways that people can become selfish after focusing too much on themselves:

Lack of empathy

When individuals are too focused on their own needs and desires, they may struggle to empathize with others and understand their perspectives.

Disregard for others’ needs

People who are too self-focused may prioritize their own needs over those of others, leading to a lack of consideration for others’ feelings and desires.

Difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships

Self-centered behavior can lead to a lack of interest in forming and maintaining meaningful relationships with others, as people may struggle to see beyond their own needs.

Narcissistic tendencies

Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to developing narcissistic tendencies, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a lack of concern for others.

Lack of accountability

Self-centered individuals may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, instead shifting blame onto others or refusing to acknowledge their role in adverse situations.

Inability to compromise

When individuals are too focused on their needs, they may struggle to compromise or consider others’ perspectives, leading to conflict in relationships and a lack of cooperation.

Entitlement

Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to a sense of entitlement, where individuals feel that they deserve special treatment or privileges without regard for the needs and desires of others.

Lack of gratitude

Self-centered individuals may struggle to appreciate the efforts and contributions of others, leading to a lack of gratitude and appreciation for the support they receive.

5 Reasons why focusing too much on yourself can leave you self-centered

Focusing too much on oneself can lead to self-centered behavior that can negatively affect an individual’s relationships and overall well-being. Here are five reasons why focusing too much on yourself can make you selfish:

Lack of empathy

When individuals are too focused on their needs and desires, they may struggle to empathize with others and understand their perspectives. This can make it difficult for them to connect with others and build meaningful relationships.

Inability to compromise

When individuals are too focused on their needs, they may struggle to compromise or consider others’ perspectives. This can lead to conflict in relationships and a lack of cooperation.

Entitlement

Focusing too much on oneself can contribute to a sense of entitlement, where individuals feel that they deserve special treatment or privileges without regard for the needs and desires of others. This can lead to selfish behavior and a lack of consideration for others.

Lack of accountability

Self-centered individuals may struggle to take responsibility for their actions and behaviors, instead shifting blame onto others or refusing to acknowledge their role in adverse situations. This can lead to a lack of personal growth and self-improvement.

Disregard for others’ needs

People who are too self-focused may prioritize their needs over those of others, leading to a lack of consideration for others’ feelings and desires. This can damage relationships and contribute to a sense of isolation and loneliness.

Does therapy improve selfishness or make it worse?

There is no straightforward answer to this question, as the effects of therapy on selfishness can vary widely depending on the individual and the type of therapy they receive. Generally speaking, treatment is designed to help individuals improve their emotional and psychological well-being by addressing underlying issues that may contribute to selfish behavior or attitudes. Through therapy, individuals can gain insight into their thinking and behavior patterns, develop coping skills, and learn to communicate more effectively with others.

Therapy can promote self-reflection and increase awareness of one’s impact on others, which can help individuals become more empathetic and considerate. However, some individuals may resist this process or use therapy as a way to justify or reinforce their self-centered behavior. In some cases, therapy can even be used as a means to manipulate or control others.

Ultimately, the effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness depends on a range of factors, including the individual’s willingness to engage in the therapeutic process, the quality of the therapeutic relationship, and the compatibility of the therapeutic approach with the individual’s needs and personality. The effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness depends on several factors, including:

Willingness to engage in therapy

The individual’s level of motivation and commitment to the therapeutic process is crucial to the success of therapy. Treatment may be ineffective without a willingness to actively engage in therapy and work towards change.

Quality of the therapeutic relationship

A robust therapeutic alliance between the therapist and the individual is essential for effective therapy. A positive and supportive relationship can promote trust, openness, and collaboration, facilitating change.

Compatibility of therapeutic approach

Different therapeutic approaches may be more effective for addressing specific types of selfish behavior or attitudes. Individuals must work with a therapist who utilizes an approach that aligns with their needs and personality.

The severity of the issue

The severity of the individual’s selfish behavior or attitude can impact the effectiveness of therapy. In some cases, more intensive or long-term treatment may be necessary to achieve significant change.

Support network

The individual’s support network, including family, friends, and other social support systems, can be essential to therapy success. Support from others can provide encouragement and reinforcement for positive changes made in therapy.

Co-occurring mental health issues

Co-occurring mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, can impact the effectiveness of therapy in addressing selfishness. It may be necessary to address these issues in treatment to fully address the individual’s selfish behavior or attitudes.

If you have a narcissist in your life whom you cannot completely cut off, choosing the right strategy to protect yourself is essential. No contact and gray rock are two of the most effective techniques for managing interactions with a narcissist, but which one is best for you? Let’s explore both approaches so you can make the right decision for your situation.

What is No Contact?

No contact means exactly that—absolutely no communication or interaction with the narcissist. Imagine a brick wall between you and them, where you neither know nor care about what happens on the other side. While the “not caring” part doesn’t happen overnight, it will come in time as you heal and break free from the trauma bond.

No contact goes beyond avoiding phone calls or in-person interactions. It also means:

• Blocking their number and social media accounts
• Avoiding places where you might run into them
• Not checking their social media or that of their new target
• Not asking friends or family for updates about them

Many survivors mistakenly believe they’re following no contact while still keeping tabs on their abuser through indirect means. However, each time you check their social media or ask about them, you are inviting them back into your mind. This is emotional contact, which keeps the trauma bond alive and prevents healing.

When Should You Go No Contact?

If you do not share children, work together, or have unavoidable family ties, no contact is the best choice. This means proactively blocking all access the narcissist has to you—both physically and mentally. Keeping a door open for them, even subconsciously, only allows them to maintain control over your emotions.

Victims often hesitate to block their abuser because they secretly hope for some form of contact. They may think they’ll feel empowered rejecting them or finally telling them off. However, this fleeting sense of power is deceptive. It only reactivates the trauma bond, pulling them back into the cycle of abuse.

Think of breaking no contact like a former smoker having “just one cigarette.” That single moment of weakness reactivates the addiction, making relapse inevitable. The same applies to narcissistic abuse—keeping the door open allows them to drag you back into the toxic cycle.

What is Gray Rock?

Gray rock is a strategy for when no contact isn’t an option. It involves making yourself as uninteresting as possible to the narcissist. You want to become like a dull, lifeless rock—giving them nothing to feed on emotionally.

With gray rock, you:

• Keep conversations minimal and emotionless
• Avoid reacting to their provocations
• Give short, neutral responses
• Refrain from defending, explaining, or justifying yourself
• Maintain a calm, blank expression (robot face)

The goal is to starve the narcissist of the emotional reactions they crave, making you an unappealing source of supply. Over time, they will likely move on to an easier target.

When Should You Use Gray Rock?

Gray rock is necessary when you must interact with a narcissist, such as:

• Co-parenting with them
• Working with them
• Being part of the same family
• Attending unavoidable social events where they will be present

If you share a child, limiting interactions as much as possible is key. Just because you co-parent does not mean you need open communication 24/7. Boundaries are essential. Minimize conversations to only necessary topics regarding your child and keep exchanges emotionless.

No Contact vs. Gray Rock: Making the Right Choice

If you can go no contact, that is always the best option. However, if circumstances prevent this, mastering the gray rock technique can help you reclaim control and protect your emotional well-being.

Common Narcissistic Manipulation Tactics

Narcissists are incredibly cunning—but not in a good way. They will launch into abusive rants, calling you every name under the sun. But the moment they sense that you’re backing off, trying to go gray rock, and refusing to take the bait, they switch tactics.

The Fake Friendship Trap

Another common manipulation is when the narcissist starts acting like they want to be your friend. They casually message or call you just to chat, slipping into your life under the guise of co-parenting. You may find yourself hoping that this newfound friendliness is genuine—that maybe, just maybe, you can finally have a positive, functional relationship for the sake of your kids.

But soon enough, the mask slips. They go from playing nice to blindsiding you with criticism, gaslighting, and emotional attacks. One day, they act like a reasonable co-parent; the next, they’re dragging you back into chaos. This cycle is deliberate. It keeps you emotionally hooked, constantly guessing, and unable to heal.

Gray Rock with a Narcissistic Co-Parent

If you’re still in the family court process, consult your lawyer before implementing gray rock strategies. The legal system often fails to recognize personality disorders, and narcissists are masters at flipping the script—denying, attacking, and reversing the roles of victim and abuser. They may use the effects of their abuse (such as your anxiety or emotional distress) against you to paint you as unstable.

Once the court process is over, you can fully implement gray rock. Here’s how:

1. Block them on your phone. There is no reason a narcissist should have 24/7 access to you just because you share children. If an emergency arises, you can have a trusted third party serve as an intermediary.
2. Limit direct interactions. Pickups and drop-offs should be as brief and neutral as possible. If needed, consider third-party handovers through a trusted friend or supervised exchange center.
3. Anticipate their reactions. Expect resistance. When you stop engaging, they will try to regain control through guilt trips, silent treatment, or emotional manipulation. They’ll claim you’re being unreasonable or cruel, but remember: enforcing boundaries is not abuse.

Gray Rock with a Narcissistic Parent

Boundaries aren’t just for co-parenting—they apply to toxic family members too. Many adult children of narcissistic parents struggle with overwhelming guilt when setting boundaries. Years of conditioning make it feel easier to just “get the phone call over with” rather than face the inevitable backlash.

But if every conversation leaves you feeling drained, criticized, or manipulated, it’s time to make changes:

• Limit contact. Reduce phone calls, visits, or interactions that are emotionally exhausting.
• Predict their behavior. If they give you the silent treatment because you’re not calling as often, recognize it for what it is: an attempt to regain control.
• Prepare for guilt. When you enforce boundaries, they will accuse you of being cruel or ungrateful. Expect it, process it, but don’t give in.

Final Thoughts

Whether it’s a narcissistic co-parent, parent, or family member, the key to protecting yourself is recognizing their tactics and refusing to engage in their manipulative games. They thrive on controlling your emotions, but the moment you take that power away, their hold on you weakens.

Going gray rock isn’t easy, but in time, it will bring you the peace and clarity you deserve. Choose the strategy that fits your situation best, and remember—you deserve peace, healing, and freedom from their toxic influence.

A narcissist is characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance and a profound lack of empathy for others, often craving admiration and believing in their uniqueness. While narcissism can manifest as a trait or a full-blown personality disorder, the secretive narcissist stands out as particularly elusive.

This type of narcissist excels at concealing their true nature and adeptly manipulating those around them. Despite sometimes presenting as humble or shy, their core is marked by selfishness, arrogance, and a sense of entitlement. Their toolbox includes deception, gaslighting, and projection, and they aim to control and exploit relationships, be it with partners, friends, or family members.

Secretive narcissists often battle with paranoia, insecurity, and jealousy, underpinned by a deep-seated shame and fear of being exposed. They epitomize the “wolves in sheep’s clothing” within the narcissistic world.

This article delves into the characteristics, motives, and behaviors of secretive narcissists, offering insights on how to identify, cope with, and heal from such relationships. Understanding the secretive narcissist is key to unveiling their mask and safeguarding yourself from their detrimental impact.

Identifying a Secretive Narcissist

How can you tell if someone is a secretive narcissist? Unlike the overt narcissist, who openly displays their sense of superiority and entitlement, the covert narcissist conceals their true nature behind a facade of humility and vulnerability. They may come across as shy, modest, or self-deprecating, yet beneath this disguise, they harbor a deep sense of self-centeredness, arrogance, and a propensity for manipulation.

Here are some signs that can help you identify a secretive narcissist in your life.

The Subtle Art of Neglect and Avoidance:

One of the tactics secretive narcissists use to control and hurt their partners is neglect and avoidance. They might appear distant, cold, indifferent, or withdrawn from intimacy and communication. It’s common for them to ignore or invalidate your feelings, needs, and opinions.

This behavior is designed to make you feel insecure, unworthy, and overly dependent on them. Additionally, it serves as a way for them to dodge accountability and responsibility for their actions.

They might blame you for their issues or label you as needy, clingy, or overly demanding.

Master of the Double Life

Another hallmark of a secretive narcissist is their ability to lead a double life. This could manifest through engaging in multiple affairs, maintaining secret hobbies, concealing financial activities, or hiding addictions.

They may resort to lying, cheating, or stealing without remorse. Furthermore, they often adopt different personas depending on the people they are with or the situation. They can be charming, friendly, and generous in public yet turn cruel, abusive, and selfish in private.

Despite pretending to be loyal, faithful, and honest, they are, in reality, disloyal, unfaithful, and dishonest. Their actions aim to deceive and exploit others while protecting their fragile ego from being exposed.

Misuse of Confidentiality and Silence

A third indicator of a secretive narcissist is their misuse of confidentiality and silence. They may insist that you keep their secrets or discourage you from sharing your troubles with others. They might also withhold their feelings, thoughts, or plans from you.

By giving you the silent treatment or withholding information, affection, or praise, they aim to isolate and confuse you, thereby maintaining their power and control. They might also lie by omission or deliberately avoid answering your questions, further entrenching their manipulative hold over you.

Dealing with the Challenges of the Secretive Narcissist:

Being in a relationship with a secretive narcissist can be very challenging. They may make you feel confused, frustrated, angry, or hurt.

They may also try to isolate you from your friends and family or sabotage your success and happiness. How can you deal with these challenges and protect yourself from their harm?

Here are some strategies that can help you.

Recognizing Manipulation Tactics:

The first step is to recognize the manipulation tactics that secretive narcissists use to control and exploit you. Some of these tactics are:

• Flattery: They may compliment or praise you to make you feel good, but they don’t mean it. They may also use flattery to get something from you or to make you lower your guard.
• Guilt: They may make you feel guilty or ashamed for not meeting their expectations or for having your own needs and feelings. They may also use guilt to make you do things for them or stay with them.
• Threats: They may threaten to leave you, harm you, or expose your secrets if you don’t do what they want or try to leave them. They may also threaten to harm themselves or others to manipulate you.
• Gaslighting: They may lie, deny, or distort the truth to make you doubt your reality, memory, or sanity. They may also blame you for their problems or accuse you of being crazy, paranoid, or delusional.

By recognizing these tactics, you can avoid falling for their traps and maintain your sense of self and reality.

Setting Boundaries

The second step is to set clear and consistent boundaries with the secretive narcissist. Boundaries are the rules and limits you set for yourself and others in a relationship.

They help you to protect your rights, needs, and well-being. Some examples of boundaries are:

• Saying no: You have the right to say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable, unhappy, or unsafe. You don’t have to justify, explain, or apologize for your choices.
• Asking for what you want: You can ask for what you want and need in a relationship. You don’t have to settle for less or compromise your values.
• Limiting contact: You have the right to limit or end contact with the secretive narcissist if they are abusive, disrespectful, or harmful to you. You don’t have to tolerate their behavior or stay with them out of fear or obligation.

By setting boundaries, you can assert your self-respect and dignity and prevent the secretive narcissist from taking advantage of you.

Seeking Support and Therapy

The third step is to seek support and therapy if you are in a relationship with a secretive narcissist. Support can come from your friends, family, or other people who understand what you are going through.

They can offer emotional, practical, or financial help or listen to and validate your feelings. Therapy can come from a professional counselor, therapist, or coach who can help you to heal from the trauma, pain, or damage caused by the secretive narcissist.

They can also help you rebuild your self-esteem, confidence, and identity and develop healthy coping skills and strategies.

By seeking support and therapy, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and manipulation and recover your mental and emotional health.

Recovering from a Relationship with a Secretive Narcissist:

After ending a relationship with a secretive narcissist, feelings of trauma, betrayal, and brokenness are common. Alongside these, you might grapple with low self-esteem and trust issues.

These reactions are normal and understandable, given the abuse and manipulation you’ve endured. However, recovering from the damage and reclaiming your life is possible. Below are steps to help you heal and grow after a narcissistic relationship.

Understanding the Impact on Self-esteem and Trust:

The first step is recognizing how the secretive narcissist has impacted your self-esteem and trust. These individuals often criticize, reject, and blame their partners, masking their shortcomings.

They may lie, cheat, and conceal their true selves to undermine your confidence and foster dependency. This behavior also serves to dodge intimacy and accountability.

As a result, feelings of worthlessness, unlovability, and foolishness may surface. To combat these negative emotions, it’s important to challenge the narcissist’s false beliefs. Understand that you are not the problem; they are. Remind yourself of your strengths, achievements, and values.

Reclaiming your identity and autonomy is essential, as is restoring trust in yourself and others. Achieve this by listening to your intuition, honoring your needs and feelings, and surrounding yourself with honest and supportive individuals.

Rebuilding Relationships and Social Connections:

The second step involves rebuilding your relationships and social connections. Secretive narcissists often isolate their partners from friends and family, sabotaging their success and happiness to maintain control and project their insecurities.

This can lead to feelings of loneliness, alienation, and depression. Overcoming these feelings requires reconnecting with those who care about and support you. Reach out to friends, family, or other survivors of narcissistic abuse to share your story and needs.

Accepting help, comfort, and advice is important, as is expanding your social network and discovering new activities and interests that align with your passions and values. Engage in groups, clubs, or communities, volunteer, travel, or learn something new to enrich your social life and well-being.

Moving Forward: Healing and Personal Growth:

The third step is advancing your healing and personal growth. Despite the trauma and pain inflicted by secretive narcissists, there are also lessons, insights, and opportunities for growth.

You might feel angry, sad, scared, but grateful, wise, and hopeful. To navigate these emotions, process your trauma and pain, grieve your losses, express your emotions, and forgive yourself and others.

Seeking professional help, such as therapy or coaching, can be invaluable. Pursue healing and personal growth by learning from your experience, embracing challenges, and striving for positive change.

Set new goals, chase your dreams, and create your happiness. Remember, you have the power to rebuild and transform your life.

Empowerment against the Secretive Narcissist:

In this article, we have explored the dynamics of the secretive narcissist, a particularly insidious type of individual who conceals their true nature while manipulating those around them. We’ve delved into strategies for identifying, coping with, and ultimately healing from the scars left by a relationship with a secretive narcissist.

It’s clear that while the secretive narcissist can inflict significant emotional damage, this adversity can also serve as a powerful catalyst for personal growth and healing. The key steps involve unmasking their deceit, safeguarding our well-being, and reclaiming our lives.

If you find yourself entangled in a relationship with a secretive narcissist, or if you have suspicions that you might be, it’s imperative to take decisive action. Remember, you are not alone, and you unequivocally deserve better.

In today’s digitally connected world, social media platforms have become assertive communication, self-expression, and connection tools. However, like any tool, they can be misused for harmful purposes, as demonstrated by narcissists who engage in smear campaigns to tarnish the reputation and credibility of their targets.

The Narcissistic Smear Campaign Unveiled

A narcissistic smear campaign is a calculated strategy that narcissists employ to undermine the reputation and credibility of their target. These campaigns involve spreading false information, malicious gossip, and rumors to isolate the victim from their support network.

Exploiting the Anonymity of the Internet

Social media provides narcissists a platform to unleash their campaign without direct accountability. Behind the veil of online pseudonyms and fake accounts, they spread false accusations, half-truths, and distortions of reality.

Diverting Attention Through False Accusations

Narcissists are adept at diverting attention from their behavior by launching false accusations against their targets. By manipulating the narrative, they aim to shift the focus from their actions to the alleged misconduct of the victim. These accusations serve as a smokescreen that obscures their motives and misdeeds.

Weaponizing Public Shaming

Narcissists engage in public shaming by making derogatory comments, sharing private information, or engaging in character assassination. Through harsh words and insidious posts, they attempt to humiliate and belittle their targets, all while rallying supporters to their cause. The impact of such public shaming can be devastating, leaving the victim emotionally scarred and socially isolated.

Sowing Seeds of Doubt

By spreading rumors and false narratives, narcissists aim to sow seeds of doubt in the minds of those who know the victim. Friends, family members, and acquaintances may unknowingly participate in the campaign as the false information takes root and influences their perception of the target.

Recognizing the Signs of a Smear Campaign

Awareness is critical to countering the effects of a narcissistic smear campaign. There are several signs to watch out for:

• Sudden Shifts in Opinion: People may exhibit abrupt negative feelings or hostility toward the target once supportive.
• Unverifiable Gossip: Rumors and malicious comments from unidentifiable sources may start circulating about the victim.
• Online Attacks: A surge in derogatory posts and comments on social media platforms can indicate a coordinated campaign.

Protecting Yourself and Countering the Campaign

While a narcissistic smear campaign can be distressing, there are steps you can take to mitigate its impact:

• Document Everything: Keep records of all posts, comments, and messages related to the campaign. This evidence can be invaluable in countering false accusations.
• Stay Calm and Collected: Maintain composure in the face of attacks. Emotional reactions can be used against you, so it’s essential to respond rationally.
• Seek Support: Contact friends, family, and trusted individuals who can offer emotional support and perspective.
• Report Harassment: If the campaign escalates to cyberbullying or harassment, report the activity to the relevant platform authorities.

Conclusion

Narcissists wield social media as a weapon in their arsenal of manipulation. By spreading false information, leveraging anonymity, and exploiting the power of amplification, they aim to isolate and discredit their targets. Recognizing the signs of a smear campaign and taking proactive steps to protect your reputation and well-being can help you navigate these treacherous waters.

What to say when the people in your life do not understand narcissism?

KEY POINTS:

• It can be hard to explain narcissistic abuse to someone who has never experienced it.
• People will have trouble understanding why you stayed after the abuse started or how you got into that situation in the first place.
• Even though you are the victim, some people may blame you or minimize your suffering.

Many people who have suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of a mate have a very difficult time explaining their situation to people who have never experienced anything like it. They are usually asked some form of the following questions:

• What is narcissistic abuse?
• Why did you put it up with it?
• Why did you stay in the relationship for so long?

Everyone will have his or her own version of the answers to these questions. However, it can be hard to repeatedly explain what happened and why. My clients’ dilemmas motivated me to write out for them a general explanation that they could adapt to their situation, print, and hand out to their loved ones.

Note: In this post, I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. I am using male pronouns in the example below, but this can be applied to all genders.

The General Definition of NPD

My partner (or ex) has narcissistic personality disorder. This means that although he can project an image of being very confident and capable, underneath he actually feels very insecure about his self-worth. This uncertainty makes him seek perfection, validation from other people, and high status in an effort to reassure himself that he is special and stabilize his shaky self-esteem.

People with narcissistic personality disorder lack emotional empathy. This means that my partner could not feel happy for me when I succeeded at something (unless it reflected well on him) or bad when he hurt me.

The combination of these two things—difficulty regulating his own self-esteem and having no real empathy for other people—made my partner very self-centered and preoccupied with his own needs, although he generally tried to hide this. Instead, he did his best to project an image of whatever he thought would make him seem admirable to other people.

All of the above made him ultra-sensitive to negative feedback, easily offended, and very aggressive towards me when he became angry.

In the beginning of our relationship, he was very admiring and attentive to me. I didn’t realize it, but “getting” me after courting me made him feel strong and special.

Once we were together, that wore off. He started to pick me apart and tell me what I needed to change. He became very bossy and punished me by yelling or coldly withdrawing whenever I did not do things his way. He also blamed me for anything that went wrong, even when it was obviously his fault. I started to be afraid of him after he threw the TV remote at my head.

Things got worse as time went on. He did not care that he was abusing me (no emotional empathy) and he wanted to hurt me because devaluing and abusing me made him feel strong and better than me, which upped his self-esteem. In essence, our whole relationship from the beginning was all about him using me to feel better about himself.

By the end of the relationship, I felt like a broken confused mess.

Back then, before I learned about narcissism, I could not understand why I was being abused by a person who claimed to love me. It took me a long time to realize that I would never be able to please him, and we would always be fighting because he was a narcissist and incapable of having a normal relationship.

Even though I now know this, it is still taking me a long time to heal because I really loved him and I believed him when he said he loved me and that we would be together forever.

Summary

It can be difficult to explain narcissistic abuse to people who have never experienced it. They are usually puzzled about how you could let this happen and not see it coming and why you stayed in the relationship after the abuse started. Some people may think that you are exaggerating. It is especially hard to explain when your narcissistic mate can project an image to other people of being smart, calm, and caring. In the end, you may have to settle for accepting that some people will simply not be able to imagine how you suffered or how badly you were treated.

This also appeared on Quora.

Feel free to share this with anyone who might benefit from reading it. Please cite me if you decide to share it.

Dr. Elinor Greenberg, psychologist, is an internationally renowned
consultant, author, and Gestalt therapy trainer who specializes in the
diagnosis and treatment of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid
adaptations. She is on the faculty of the New York Institute for Gestalt
Therapy and the Gestalt Center for Psychotherapy and Training, where she
developed and teaches an 8-session course on personality disorders. Dr.
Greenberg is an Associate Editor of Gestalt Review, a peer reviewed
professional journal. She has trained psychotherapists in the USA, Canada,
England, Wales, Sicily, Sweden, Norway, Mexico, Serbia, Croatia,
Montenegro, Russia, and Malta. Dr. Greenberg is the author of the book:
Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love,
Admiration, and Safety.

Individuals with narcissistic traits often display specific texting habits that mirror their personality characteristics and communication style. Take a look at some commonly observed text behaviors linked to narcissism:

Abundance of Messages during Idealization

In the initial stages of a relationship or during the ‘love-bombing’ phase, narcissists tend to flood your inbox with frequent, complimentary, and intense messages. This strategy aims to captivate the recipient and foster a sense of closeness.

Ghosting or Imposing Silent Treatment

Narcissists may abruptly cease responding to texts, utilizing silence as a means of control or as a form of punishment. This behavior typically surfaces when they feel slighted, crave attention, or aim to manipulate the dynamics of the situation.

Inconsistent Response Patterns

The timing of their responses can be erratic, displaying a range from immediate replies to prolonged delays without an apparent reason. This inconsistency often leaves the recipient feeling uncertain and preoccupied with the unpredictable nature of the narcissist’s communication style.

Gaslighting and Manipulation

One common trait in texts from narcissists is manipulation. They often try to mess with your reality, shake your confidence, and make you doubt your memory or judgment. It’s like they’re playing mind games to control the situation.

Self-Centered Conversations

When you read their texts, you might notice a pattern – it’s all about them. Their interests, achievements, and problems take the spotlight, leaving little room for your needs or feelings. It’s like a one-way street where they’re the main character.

Sudden Mood Shifts

Dealing with a narcissist’s texts can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, they’re sweet and affectionate, and the next, they’re cold and aggressive. It’s like their mood is directly linked to how much attention and admiration they’re getting.

Passive-Aggressive or Sarcastic Remarks

Watch out for those subtle jabs and sarcastic comments. When they feel criticized or think they’re not getting the attention they deserve, narcissists may express their frustration through passive-aggressive behavior or sarcasm in their texts.

Lack of Empathy

Reading their messages might leave you feeling like something’s missing – genuine empathy. Narcissists often don’t show a real interest in your emotional state. Instead, their texts focus on their experiences and feelings, leaving yours in the background. It’s like they’re not tuning into your emotional channel.

Triangulation

One common trick is involving third parties in text conversations. This could mean casually mentioning other people to stir up jealousy or unfavorably comparing the person to others, which is a tactic often used.

Demanding Attention

Some individuals expect instant responses and can get upset or even punitive if they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve within the timeframe they want.

Overwhelming with Messages

There are instances, especially during arguments or when trying to regain control, where a narcissist might flood the recipient with numerous texts, creating a sort of message avalanche.

Love Bombing after Conflict

Following a conflict or a period of silence, a narcissist might switch gears suddenly and send overly affectionate or flattering messages. This is a way to pull the person back in, like a charm offensive.

Now that school is back in session, many high schoolers have new phones, new computers, and new privileges for using their devices – and new responsibilities too. High schoolers today are more technology-savvy than average adults. While many people think that young people use their devices primarily for video games and social networking, the reality today is that high schoolers use technology for learning as much as for entertainment.

As the director of cybersecurity programs at the University at Albany’s School of Business, I regularly encounter high school students through the camps I run or as interns in my research lab. My first task is to describe the potential threats for them. I tell students that hackers and cybercriminals are constantly looking for vulnerable targets to attack and steal information from. Teenagers must keep their devices and information secure, behave appropriately on social media and shared devices, and respect others’ digital privacy on devices and online.

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What Teenagers Need to Know About Cyber Security

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Here are some ways they can protect their own – and their friends’ – cybersecurity.

Password safety

Passwords are the keys to your digital life. Make sure they are at least 10 characters long – including letters, numbers, and symbols to make them harder to crack.

Don’t write passwords down. Consider using a secure password manager. Also use two-factor authentication – either a physical security key or an app delivering time-based one-time passwords, like Authy or Google Authenticator.

Don’t share passwords with friends. It’s the same as giving them the keys to your house or your car – plus the power to see everything you’ve done and even impersonate you online. For the same reasons, don’t save usernames and passwords on shared computers, and always log out when you’re finished using someone else’s device.

Another key way to protect your data is to back it up regularly to an external hard drive or a cloud storage system.

Mobile safety

The best way to protect your smartphone is to know where it is at all times. Also, set a password on it and be sure it’s set up so you can remotely wipe it if you do lose it.

Be very careful when downloading apps. Often hackers will create apps that look a lot like a genuine popular app but are instead malware that will steal your personal information.

Disable Bluetooth on your devices unless you’re actively using a Bluetooth connection. Especially in public places, it opens your phone up to being hijacked and having your data stolen.

Avoid open public Wi-Fi networks. They can easily be penetrated by hackers – or even set up and operated by data thieves – who can watch the traffic and see what you do online. Consider using a virtual private network, which encrypts everything your device transmits.

Computer safety

Get a camera cover for the webcam on your computer; an attacker can break into your computer and remotely activate it, watching your every move.

Don’t open emails from people you don’t know – and check the sender’s email address by hovering the mouse over it, to make sure someone’s not trying to pretend to be someone you do know. Especially, don’t download email attachments you’re not expecting to receive.

Don’t click on any links you don’t recognize. If you must follow a link, copy and paste the link URL to make sure it’s going to a legitimate site.

Gaming safety

Video games – on consoles, desktops and mobiles – are also potential security threats. Set strong passwords to protect your accounts from other gamers.

Only download games from legitimate sites, to make sure you don’t download malware.

Just as you would with other apps and devices, be wary of people impersonating others or trying to get you to click on misleading links or download malicious attachments.

Don’t share personal information on gaming sites, or use gamertags or other profile information that could connect your gaming persona with your real life. Frustrations in games can turn into personal conflicts – with the potential to be very scary and even dangerous.

Do your part to deescalate online conflict by not taking other gamers’ actions personally.

Social media safety

When you’re on social media, don’t befriend people you don’t actually know in real life.

To protect your privacy and to minimize the digital footprints future colleges and employers might find, don’t post – or let friends post – embarrassing pictures of yourself or any other questionable material.

Be aware of cyberbullies and online stalkers. Limit how much you reveal about your daily routines, habits or travels. And if you ever feel uncomfortable or threatened by someone online, immediately stop communicating with that person and alert a responsible adult, like a parent, teacher or school librarian.

Sanjay Goel

Professor of Information Technology Management, University at Albany, State University of New York

Original Article: The Conversation

Jealousy within a family, a complex and often sensitive issue, can significantly impact the dynamics of family relationships. While it’s a common emotional response, understanding its signs and learning effective strategies to manage it can help maintain harmony and strengthen familial bonds.

Identifying Signs of Jealousy

Jealousy often manifests subtly and can be overlooked until it escalates. One of the most apparent signs is a lack of enthusiasm for your achievements. When family members downplay or show indifference to your successes, it can be a sign of underlying jealousy. Another telltale sign is competitive behavior, where relatives attempt to outshine or belittle your accomplishments. This rivalry often stems from a place of insecurity and a desire to seek validation.

Negative reactions to advice or guidance can also indicate jealousy. In such instances, family members may perceive your suggestions as criticisms, responding with anger or defensiveness. Additionally, if interactions with certain family members consistently leave you feeling bad about yourself, it could be due to their jealous attitudes manifesting as excessive criticism or negative comments.

Dealing with Jealous Relatives

Addressing jealousy in family members requires a delicate balance of empathy and assertiveness. One effective approach is to limit the information you share, especially if it pertains to topics that trigger jealous reactions. While it might seem counterintuitive, sometimes not sharing every success or life update can prevent unnecessary tension.

It’s also crucial to let go of any guilt associated with their jealousy. Remember, their emotional responses are not your responsibility, and you shouldn’t have to downplay your achievements to appease others. In cases where jealousy leads to toxic behavior, reducing your interactions with those family members might be necessary. This doesn’t mean cutting ties entirely, but rather setting boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

When Distance is Necessary

In more severe cases, distancing yourself from family members who exhibit toxic jealousy might be the best course of action. Avoiding direct confrontations can prevent situations from escalating and causing further strain. Prioritizing your mental and emotional health is essential, and sometimes that means stepping back from relationships that are more harmful than beneficial.

Understanding the Causes

Jealousy often stems from deep-seated insecurities and a sense of inadequacy. In family settings, these feelings can be exacerbated by parental favoritism, perceived inequalities, or different life trajectories among siblings. Understanding these root causes is crucial in addressing and resolving jealous behaviors.

Sibling Rivalry and Parental Influence

Sibling rivalry is a common manifestation of jealousy within families. It can be fueled by parental influence, where perceived or actual favoritism creates competition and resentment among siblings. Additionally, siblings reaching life milestones at different times can spark feelings of jealousy, as comparisons become inevitable.

Self-Reflection in the Face of Jealousy

If you find yourself experiencing jealousy, it’s important to acknowledge and address these feelings. Self-reflection can help you understand the reasons behind your jealousy and how to overcome it. Developing a sense of self-worth independent of others’ achievements and focusing on your personal growth can be effective strategies in combating jealousy.

Understand

Navigating jealousy in family relationships requires a nuanced understanding of its signs and causes. By adopting strategies to manage and address these feelings, either in ourselves or in relatives, we can foster healthier and more supportive family dynamics. Remember, while jealousy is a natural emotion, it doesn’t have to dictate the quality of our familial relationships.

Terminology relating to narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has been developed by psychologists and therapists over decades of research as well as by survivors of narcissistic abuse seeking a vocabulary to understand and talk about their experience. This list is not meant to be exhaustive but rather an overview of some of the most useful terms for understanding the pathology of narcissism and its impact on relationships and families.

ACoNs This acronym stands for “adult children of narcissists.” It is commonly used in the narcissism survivor community.

Cluster B Personality Disorders Mental health professionals group personality disorders into three clusters. According to the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), there are four Cluster B personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and histrionic personality disorder. Often an individual with one personality disorder will exhibit traits of one or more other disorders.

Cognitive Dissonance The narcissist’s externalized, manufactured identity is built on lies and denial, and s/he expects family members to accept her/his version of the “truth.” What this means for the narcissist’s partner and children is that they find themselves in “opposite land,” where they are told (usually through a range of manipulative tactics) that “reality” is different from or even the opposite of what they feel and perceive. This feature of narcissism produces a cognitive dissonance in others, who experience a profoundly disorienting gap between what they perceive and what the narcissist says happened—black is white, good is bad, false is true. Particularly in young children, cognitive dissonance is extremely traumatic, leading to self-doubt and disassociation.

CPTSD This stands for Complex PostTraumatic Stress Disorder, a condition common in narcissistic abuse victims, as well as in people with pathological narcissism. CPTSD includes a wide range of disabling symptoms, including some or all of the following disturbances:

• hypervigilance;
• generalized fear, anxiety, and agitation;
• overreactivity;
• insomnia;
• nightmares and/or night terrors;
• self-isolation;
• difficulty trusting;
• self-destructive behavior; and
• intrusive thoughts.

Denial This is a compulsive feature of narcissism, whereby the narcissist willfully believes or pretends that traumatic events or circumstances do not exist or did not happen, even when presented with evidence to the contrary.

Devaluation Because of their emotionally primitive perfect-or-worthless thinking (stuck at the developmental level of a young child) and their insistence on unattainable perfection, narcissists in relationships (with partners, family members, or friends) nearly inevitably become disillusioned. And because they lack a moral compass (again, like the stunted children they are), they do not hesitate to express their disappointment in a range of devaluing hostile behaviors, including judgment, belittlement, and rage, if not outright abandonment.

Divide and Conquer This is a primary strategy narcissists use to assert control, particularly within their family, to create divisions among individuals. This weakens and isolates family members, making it easier for the narcissist to manipulate and dominate. The narcissist sets up an environment of competition and terror in which individuals are trying to avoid attack, often at one another’s expense. S/he favors some and scapegoats others, breeding mistrust and resentment among siblings or between the other parent and children. Such dynamics also can play out in a work setting, where a boss uses the same kinds of tactics to control and manipulate employees.

Enabler Usually a partner/spouse of the narcissist, enablers “normalize” and even perpetuate the narcissist’s grandiose persona, extreme sense of entitlement, and haughty attitude and behavior toward others by absorbing the abuse and acting as an apologist for it. Enablers are always avoiding conflict and attack while often also seeking rewards such as affection, praise, power, gifts, or money. Enablers may be under the delusion that they are the only ones who can truly understand the narcissist and oftentimes sacrifice or scapegoat their children to placate the narcissist.

Fauxpology Because narcissists refuse accountability and believe they are always right, they rarely if ever genuinely apologize. Instead they may toss out a false apology, or fauxpology, meant to deflect, induce guilt, or antagonize. Examples: “I’m sorry you think I’m such a disappointment as a mother,” “I’m sorry you interpreted something so innocent as unfair,” “I’m sorry you are so sensitive,” “I’m sorry you can’t understand how others feel,” or “I’m sorry you are so angry.”

Flying Monkeys Like the flying monkeys who served the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz, flying monkeys in the narcissistic family are enablers who help with the narcissist’s dirty work, often to avoid being targeted themselves and/or to benefit from a certain level of bestowed privilege. The most manipulable types make the best flying monkeys. They may be children or other relatives.

Gaslighting This is a form of psychological abuse in which narcissists systematically undermine other people’s mental state by leading them to question their perceptions of reality. Narcissists use lies and false information to erode their victims’ belief in their own judgment and, ultimately, their sanity. Common gaslighting techniques come in the form of denying and projecting: After an abusive incident, narcissists refuse responsibility, blame the abused, or outright deny that the abuse took place. They may say things like, “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re crazy,” “That’s not what happened,” “Why can’t you let anything go,” or “You made me do it.” The term gaslighting comes from the 1944 Hollywood film Gaslight, a classic depiction of this kind of brainwashing.

Golden Child This is a child singled out for favoritism, such as special privileges, more attention, high regard, exemption from discipline, and exemption from certain chores and responsibilities. Such favoritism is typically at the direct expense of a disfavored scapegoated child.

Gray Rock Going “gray rock” is a boundary-setting and conflict-avoidance strategy that can be effective in dealing with narcissists. It simply means making yourself dull and nonreactive, like a colorless unmoving rock. In gray-rock mode, you engage minimally with the narcissist and his/her circus of enablers/flying monkeys. You do not show or share your thoughts or feelings. You do not react to antagonism and manipulation. In short, you make yourself of little interest to the narcissist.

Hoovering Since narcissists are by nature pathologically self-centered and often stunningly cruel, they ultimately make those around them unhappy, if not miserable, and eventually drive many people away. If people pull away or try to go no contact, narcissists may attempt to hoover (as in vacuum suck) them back within their realm of control. They try to hoover through a variety of means, from promising to reform their behavior, to acting unusually solicitous, to dangling carrots such as gifts or money. However, if they find replacement sources of supply they may simply walk away from old ones.

Hypervigilance To cope with a chaotic and often psychologically and physically abusive environment, people close to narcissism adapt by becoming hypervigilant to threat or attack. They are always on guard, seeking to anticipate and potentially avoid being in the line of fire. Hypervigilance is emotionally and physiologically debilitating because it drains the body’s natural defense system by constantly overloading it. Hypervigilance often leads to Complex PostTraumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and illness. Narcissists themselves are hypervigilant to anything that might trigger their narcissistic injury.

Idealization Narcissists see the world and others in binary terms—good or bad, black or white. They tend to either idealize or devalue others. Parents who suffer from narcissism often idealize one golden child and devalue, or scapegoat, others. Their romantic relationships are characterized by a pattern of idealization followed by devaluation and oftentimes discard. When they identify a potential mate, they initially see them as perfect. When the false promise of perfection begins to break down, they cannot see their mate realistically as having a mix of good and flawed qualities. Instead, bitter and punishing disillusionment follows.

Lost Child This is a child who copes with the family narcissism by drawing little attention, positive or negative, staying under the radar, and making few demands.

Mascot This child plays the cute or funny “jester” role, diffusing family tensions without making demands.

Narcissistic Injury Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder typically suffer invalidating emotional injury during their early years that interferes with the healthy development of a stable identify, sense of self-esteem, and emotional empathy. Conditional caregiving because of loss, rejection, abuse, neglect, or overindulgence (or a messy mix of those things) and a possible genetic predisposition is thought to be at the root of narcissistic injury, leading to foundational feelings of worthlessness.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) This is a Cluster B personality disorder characterized by the following impairments: overreliance on others for self-definition; overreliance on others for regulation of self-esteem; lack of empathy; exploitative of others; grandiose delusions; exaggerated entitlement; excessive attention seeking; and excessive admiration seeking.

Narcissistic Rage Narcissistic personalities often react with rage when their underlying feelings of vulnerability and shame are triggered. They tend to take even small slights, which most people would easily brush off, as intensely humiliating. When this happens, their fabricated “perfect” self and overblown feelings of entitlement are threatened, setting off a wild rage response. Narcissistic rage is terrifying, sometimes physically violent, and far beyond normal anger. It is emotionally and physically traumatizing for those on the receiving end, particularly children, who naturally blame themselves for adults’ reactions.

Narcissistic Supply People with narcissistic personality disorder depend emotionally on others to sustain their sense of identity and regulate their self-esteem. They get their narcissistic supply either by idealizing and emulating others or by devaluing and asserting their superiority over others. Anyone they can manipulate—a partner, child, friend, or colleague—is a potential source of supply. Without suppliers, narcissists are empty husks. If a source of supply pulls away, they may attempt to hoover them back and/or look for other sources.

Neglect This is a passive form of abuse in which caregivers ignore the emotional, psychological, and/or physical needs of their dependent(s). It can range from not providing adequate food or shelter to failing to provide affection, supervision, or protection.

No Contact People who have been abused by a narcissist may choose to cut ties altogether with that person. Typically people who end up going no contact have had their boundaries violated in traumatic ways that eventually push them to shut down all communication with the narcissist. For adult children of narcissists, going no contact is typically a deeply ambivalent and painful choice that feels like a matter of survival in order to break the cycle of hurt and to attempt to heal. Going no contact, especially from a parent, is difficult to explain to people who don’t understand narcissism and its devastating effects, further isolating victims.

NPD This is the acronym for narcissistic personality disorder.

Object Constancy People with narcissistic personality disorder suffer from a lack of object constancy, or the ability to sustain in real time an awareness of overall positive feelings and past positive experiences with people in their lives when they are disappointed or hurt by them in some way. When triggered, the narcissist’s continuity of perception collapses into present-moment reactive emotion. If his/her child forgets to do a chore, for example, the narcissist father may become enraged and punish him/her, seeing the behavior as spiteful or irresponsible even if the child is usually conscientious.

Parentification This is a role reversal whereby a parent inappropriately looks to a child, usually the oldest or most capable, to take on parental roles and responsibilities in the family. Narcissists often parentify a child to meet their emotional, physical, and/or sexual needs. Parentification is an extreme violation of children’s boundaries, burdening them with adult responsibilities. A parentified child may be expected to play the role of confidante, therapist, or surrogate spouse, as well as perform adult duties, such as caring for younger siblings, cooking, cleaning, managing finances, or earning money for the family.

Projection Simply put, projection is attributing one’s own feelings, actions, or traits onto someone else. Projection is a compulsive aspect of narcissism. Through projection, narcissists blame the victim and deny accountability. If they lie, you are the liar; if they are childish, you are immature; if they insult you, you are critical; if they demand reassurance, you are insecure. Projection is especially traumatic for children, who internalize the belief that they are like their abuser or hurting the person who is actually abusing them. Narcissists also may project their ideal beliefs about themselves onto others, such as their golden child or someone they admire. Narcissists project both consciously and unconsciously.

Scapegoat This is a child (or children) singled out unfairly for disfavored treatment in the narcissistic family. Scapegoats are typically blamed for family problems, disciplined or punished disproportionately, burdened with excessive chores and responsibilities, and subjected to unmerited negative treatment.

Smear Campaign Narcissists engage in smear campaigns to discredit others within their family or social sphere. Narcissists may smear another person because that person sees through their mask, they are trying to conceal preemptively their own abuse of that person, or they are taking revenge because the person offended or rejected them. Narcissists may conduct a smear campaign for lesser reasons, such as jealousy or resentment. Narcissists can be quite calculating in their process of discrediting and socially isolating their target, using innuendo, gossip, and outright lies to family, friends, neighbors, and community members. Narcissists won’t hesitate to smear an ex to their children, a scapegoated child to friends and relatives, or a colleague to other colleagues. The smear campaign usually happens behind the victim’s back, often with the assistance of the narcissist’s enablers/flying monkey