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  • Are You Falling Out of Love? A Self-Reflection Quiz

    Are You Falling Out of Love? A Self-Reflection Quiz

    Relationships naturally evolve over time, and sometimes feelings change. This quiz can help you explore your emotions and understand what you’re experiencing. Answer honestly—this is just for you.

    Section 1: Emotional Connection

    1. When you think about your partner, what do you feel?

    • A) Warmth, affection, and happiness
    • B) Mostly neutral—not much feeling either way
    • C) Frustration, irritation, or sadness
    • D) Nothing at all

    2. How excited are you to see your partner after being apart?

    • A) Very excited—I look forward to it
    • B) It’s nice, but I don’t really think about it
    • C) I feel indifferent or sometimes even dread it
    • D) I actively avoid spending time together

    3. Do you still feel emotionally supported by your partner?

    • A) Yes, they’re one of my main sources of support
    • B) Sometimes, but not as much as before
    • C) Rarely—I don’t turn to them anymore
    • D) No, I feel emotionally distant from them

    4. When something good happens to you, who do you want to tell first?

    • A) My partner
    • B) It depends—sometimes my partner, sometimes friends/family
    • C) Usually someone other than my partner
    • D) I don’t think to tell my partner at all

    Section 2: Physical Intimacy

    5. How do you feel about physical affection with your partner?

    • A) I enjoy it and initiate it regularly
    • B) It’s okay, but less frequent than before
    • C) I often avoid it or feel uncomfortable
    • D) I have no desire for physical intimacy with them

    6. When your partner touches you casually (hand-holding, hugs), how do you respond?

    • A) I appreciate it and reciprocate
    • B) I tolerate it but don’t always reciprocate
    • C) I pull away or feel annoyed
    • D) I actively avoid their touch

    Section 3: Communication & Connection

    7. How often do you have meaningful conversations with your partner?

    • A) Regularly—we talk about important things
    • B) Sometimes, but conversations feel more surface-level
    • C) Rarely—we don’t really talk beyond logistics
    • D) Almost never—we’ve stopped communicating deeply

    8. When you have a disagreement, how do you handle it?

    • A) We work through it together respectfully
    • B) We argue but eventually resolve things
    • C) I shut down, avoid conflict, or don’t care enough to argue
    • D) I feel resentful and don’t bother discussing issues

    9. Do you still share your thoughts, dreams, and fears with your partner?

    • A) Yes, they know what’s going on with me
    • B) Sometimes, but less than I used to
    • C) Rarely—I share more with others
    • D) No, I keep things to myself now

    Section 4: Future Vision

    10. When you imagine your future, is your partner in it?

    • A) Absolutely—I can’t imagine my future without them
    • B) I think so, but I’m not entirely sure
    • C) I’m having serious doubts
    • D) No, I don’t see them in my future

    11. How do you feel about making long-term plans together?

    • A) Excited and committed
    • B) Uncertain or hesitant
    • C) Anxious or reluctant
    • D) I avoid making future plans with them

    Section 5: Effort & Prioritization

    12. How much effort do you put into the relationship?

    • A) I actively try to nurture and improve it
    • B) I put in some effort, but less than before
    • C) Very little—I feel tired or unmotivated
    • D) None—I’ve mentally checked out

    13. Do you prioritize spending quality time with your partner?

    • A) Yes, it’s important to me
    • B) Sometimes, but other things often come first
    • C) Rarely—I prefer doing other things
    • D) No, I make excuses to avoid it

    14. When problems arise in your relationship, how do you respond?

    • A) I want to fix them and work together
    • B) I acknowledge them but feel overwhelmed
    • C) I ignore them or feel apathetic
    • D) I’ve given up on trying to fix anything

    Section 6: Thoughts About the Relationship

    15. How often do you think about breaking up?

    • A) Never or almost never
    • B) Occasionally, during tough times
    • C) Frequently—it crosses my mind often
    • D) Constantly—I think about it daily

    16. Do you feel trapped or obligated to stay in the relationship?

    • A) No, I choose to be here
    • B) Sometimes I wonder, but I still want to stay
    • C) Yes, I feel stuck due to circumstances
    • D) Definitely—I’m only staying out of guilt or fear

    17. Are you interested in or attracted to other people?

    • A) No, I’m focused on my partner
    • B) I notice others but don’t act on it
    • C) Yes, I find myself thinking about others often
    • D) Yes, and I’ve considered or pursued connections with others

    Scoring & Interpretation

    Mostly A’s: Still in Love Your feelings for your partner remain strong. Every relationship has ups and downs, but you’re still emotionally connected and invested. Continue nurturing your relationship and communicating openly.

    Mostly B’s: Love May Be Fading You’re experiencing some disconnection, which is common in long-term relationships. This could be a temporary phase due to stress, routine, or life changes. Consider:

    • Having honest conversations with your partner about how you’re feeling
    • Trying couples counseling or relationship coaching
    • Making intentional efforts to reconnect (date nights, quality time)
    • Examining whether external stressors are affecting your feelings

    Mostly C’s: Seriously Falling Out of Love You’re experiencing significant emotional distance and detachment. Your feelings have notably changed, and you may be questioning the relationship’s future. It’s important to:

    • Reflect deeply on whether you want to work on the relationship
    • Have an honest conversation with your partner about your concerns
    • Consider professional help (therapy) to explore your feelings
    • Think about what you truly want and need

    Mostly D’s: Love Has Likely Ended You appear to have emotionally disconnected from the relationship. You may be staying out of obligation, fear, or uncertainty about leaving. Consider:

    • Seeking individual therapy to process your feelings
    • Having an honest conversation with your partner about the relationship’s status
    • Thinking carefully about your next steps
    • Remember that it’s okay to leave a relationship that no longer serves you

    Important Reminders

    • Falling out of love doesn’t make you a bad person. Feelings change, and that’s part of being human.
    • Communication is key. If you’re having doubts, talking to your partner (and possibly a therapist) can provide clarity.
    • Temporary phases happen. Stress, depression, life changes, or routine can temporarily affect feelings. Don’t make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions.
    • You deserve happiness. Whether that means working on your relationship or moving on, prioritize your emotional well-being.
    • Seek support. Talk to a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend to help you process these feelings.

    Need to talk to someone? Consider reaching out to a relationship counselor or therapist who can help you navigate these complex emotions.

  • 58% of Men Can’t Express Emotions: Here’s Why It Matters

    58% of Men Can’t Express Emotions: Here’s Why It Matters

    Quick Answer: Research from Movember’s international study reveals that 58% of men feel pressured to suppress their emotions and show no weakness. This emotional suppression, known as normative male alexithymia, leads to communication breakdowns, relationship dissatisfaction, and contributes to the 60% decline in marriage rates since the 1970s.

    Marriage rates in the United States have dropped dramatically over the past five decades—down by 60% since the 1970s. While economic factors and changing social values play a role, relationship experts point to a deeper, often overlooked issue: many men lack the emotional literacy needed to maintain healthy, connected partnerships.

    Katie Hanlon, a relationship content creator and commentator, has brought attention to what psychologists call “normative male alexithymia”—a widespread pattern where men struggle to identify, understand, and communicate their emotions effectively.

    What Is Emotional Alexithymia?

    Alexithymia is a psychological term describing the inability to recognize and articulate one’s own emotions. When this becomes the cultural norm for men—what experts call “normative male alexithymia”—it creates systemic problems in intimate relationships.

    This condition doesn’t mean men are emotionless. Instead, it reflects a learned deficit in emotional awareness and communication skills. Men with alexithymia experience feelings but lack the vocabulary, self-awareness, or permission to express them constructively.

    The Three Core Components of Alexithymia:

    1. Difficulty identifying emotions – Unable to distinguish between feeling anxious, angry, or sad
    2. Difficulty describing feelings – Lacking words to explain emotional experiences to others
    3. Externally-oriented thinking – Focusing on external events rather than internal emotional states

    The Shocking Statistics on Men and Emotional Expression

    Research conducted by Movember, a leading men’s health organization, surveyed 4,000 men across the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Australia. The findings reveal a troubling pattern of emotional suppression:

    • 58% of men feel expected to be emotionally strong and show no weakness
    • 53% of American men specifically feel pressure to be “manly”
    • 38% of men have avoided talking about their feelings to avoid appearing “unmanly”
    • 29% of men have deliberately suppressed emotions or held back tears in public
    • 22% of men are unlikely to seek help even when struggling to cope with serious problems

    These statistics aren’t just numbers—they represent millions of men suffering in silence and relationships crumbling under the weight of unspoken emotions.

    How Emotional Suppression Destroys Relationships

    The inability to communicate emotions doesn’t just affect the individual man—it creates a cascading effect that impacts entire households and partnerships.

    The Partner’s Burden

    When one partner cannot access or express their emotions, the other partner often becomes responsible for:

    • Managing both people’s emotional landscapes
    • Interpreting unspoken moods and needs
    • Navigating around unstated insecurities and triggers
    • Carrying the mental and emotional load for the entire relationship

    The Household Impact

    Relationships constrained by emotional illiteracy often feature:

    • Unpredictable emotional climates – The household atmosphere shifts based on unacknowledged moods
    • Restricted communication – Certain topics become off-limits without explicit discussion
    • Lack of genuine engagement – Surface-level interactions replace deep connection
    • Unequal emotional labor – One partner does all the relationship maintenance work

    Shared humor and pleasant moments cannot compensate for fundamental emotional disconnection. When one partner isn’t genuinely interested in the other’s inner world or won’t contribute beyond their comfort zone, intimacy slowly erodes.

    The Hidden Suffering in Marriages

    Many women remain in marriages while experiencing profound loneliness and emotional isolation. They find themselves:

    • Crying themselves to sleep regularly
    • Living with the knowledge that emotional connection may never improve
    • Accepting a relationship dynamic that causes ongoing pain
    • Feeling invisible or unimportant to their partner

    This silent suffering often goes unrecognized because the relationship appears functional on the surface. There’s no obvious abuse or conflict—just a slow emotional starvation that feels impossible to explain or fix.

    Why Emotional Literacy Matters for Everyone

    The consequences of widespread male alexithymia extend beyond romantic relationships:

    Impact on Mental Health

    Men who cannot process emotions experience higher rates of:

    • Depression and anxiety
    • Substance abuse
    • Anger management issues
    • Suicide (men die by suicide at 3-4 times the rate of women)

    Impact on Physical Health

    Emotional suppression correlates with:

    • Cardiovascular disease
    • Weakened immune function
    • Chronic stress conditions
    • Lower life expectancy

    Impact on Children

    Boys raised by emotionally distant fathers often:

    • Replicate the same patterns in adulthood
    • Struggle with emotional regulation
    • Face difficulties in their own relationships
    • Continue the cycle of emotional suppression

    The Root Cause: Masculine Conditioning

    The emotional literacy gap doesn’t happen by accident—it’s the result of deliberate, though often unconscious, socialization.

    How Boys Learn to Suppress Emotions

    From early childhood, boys receive consistent messages that shape their emotional development:

    • “Big boys don’t cry” – Teaching that sadness is weakness
    • “Man up” – Implying vulnerability is shameful
    • “Don’t be a sissy” – Associating emotions with femininity and inferiority
    • “Toughen up” – Prioritizing stoicism over authenticity

    These messages come from parents, teachers, coaches, peers, and media. By adulthood, most men have internalized these lessons so deeply they don’t even recognize them as learned behavior.

    The Patriarchal Framework

    Traditional masculinity defines “real men” as:

    • Self-reliant and never needing help
    • Stoic and unemotional
    • Strong and invulnerable
    • Rational rather than emotional
    • Providers and protectors, not nurturers

    This rigid framework leaves no room for the full human experience. Men who step outside these boundaries face ridicule, rejection, or questions about their masculinity.

    Breaking Free: The Path to Emotional Intelligence

    The good news is that emotional literacy can be learned at any age. However, it requires deliberate effort and often professional support.

    Steps Toward Emotional Awareness

    1. Therapy and Counseling

    • Individual therapy helps men identify and process emotions
    • Couples therapy addresses relationship dynamics
    • Group therapy provides peer support and accountability

    2. Education and Self-Study

    3. Daily Practices

    • Journaling to explore internal experiences
    • Mindfulness meditation to increase self-awareness
    • Regular check-ins with partners about emotional states

    4. Building Emotional Vocabulary

    • Learning words beyond “fine,” “good,” and “stressed”
    • Using emotion wheels or charts
    • Practicing naming feelings throughout the day

    For the “Good Guys”

    Men who consider themselves emotionally evolved still need to maintain their growth actively. Emotional intelligence isn’t a destination—it’s an ongoing practice.

    Questions for self-reflection:

    • Can I identify and name my emotions in real-time?
    • Do I regularly share my feelings with my partner without prompting?
    • Can I sit with uncomfortable emotions without distraction?
    • Do I respond to my partner’s emotions with empathy and curiosity?
    • Am I doing my fair share of emotional labor in the relationship?

    Why This Matters for All Relationship Issues

    Many common relationship complaints trace back to emotional literacy gaps:

    • Unequal division of household labor – Often stems from inability to recognize and discuss needs
    • Parenting conflicts – Result from different emotional awareness and modeling
    • Mental load imbalance – Occurs when one partner can’t track or manage emotional needs
    • Intimacy problems – Arise from inability to be vulnerable and emotionally present

    Addressing these surface issues without tackling underlying emotional competence rarely creates lasting change.

    Redefining Modern Masculinity

    The solution isn’t to eliminate masculinity but to expand its definition. True strength includes:

    • Emotional courage – The bravery to be vulnerable
    • Self-awareness – Understanding your inner landscape
    • Empathy – Connecting with others’ experiences
    • Communication – Expressing needs and feelings clearly
    • Growth mindset – Willingness to learn and change

    Men who develop these capacities aren’t less masculine—they’re more fully human. They become better partners, fathers, friends, and leaders.

    The Future of Relationships

    Healthy relationships require two people who can:

    • Identify and communicate their emotions
    • Take responsibility for their emotional regulation
    • Show up with empathy and curiosity
    • Navigate conflict constructively
    • Grow and evolve together

    This future is possible, but only when we collectively challenge the limiting beliefs about masculinity and emotions that hold people back.

    Taking Action

    For Men:

    • Commit to emotional growth as a priority
    • Seek therapy or counseling
    • Practice vulnerability with trusted people
    • Challenge restrictive masculine norms
    • Model emotional health for younger generations

    For Partners:

    • Set boundaries around emotional labor
    • Encourage (don’t manage) partner’s emotional growth
    • Seek support for your own needs
    • Consider whether the relationship serves you
    • Remember: you cannot do this work for someone else

    For Parents:

    • Allow boys full emotional expression
    • Model healthy emotional communication
    • Teach emotional vocabulary from early childhood
    • Challenge gendered emotional expectations
    • Seek help when needed

    Conclusion: The Stakes Are High

    With 58% of men unable to express emotions freely, and marriage rates in decline, the cost of emotional illiteracy is clear. Relationships suffer, mental health deteriorates, and patterns repeat across generations.

    But change is possible. As more men recognize emotional awareness as a strength rather than weakness, they open doors to deeper connection, better mental health, and more fulfilling relationships.

    The question isn’t whether men can develop emotional intelligence—it’s whether they’re willing to do the work. For the sake of their relationships, their health, and their children, the answer needs to be yes.

    Key Takeaway: Emotional literacy isn’t optional for healthy relationships—it’s essential. The 58% of men who struggle with emotional expression need support, education, and cultural permission to develop this crucial skill. The future of relationships depends on expanding our definition of masculinity to include emotional courage and vulnerability.

  • How Can I Explain the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse on Me? Elinor Greenberg Ph.d

    How Can I Explain the Impact of Narcissistic Abuse on Me? Elinor Greenberg Ph.d

    What to say when the people in your life do not understand narcissism.

    Key points:

    • It can be hard to explain narcissistic abuse to someone who has never experienced it.
    • People will have trouble understanding why you stayed after the abuse started or how you got into that situation in the first place.
    • Even though you are the victim, some people may blame you or minimize your suffering.
    narcissim

    Source: Sabrinabelle/Pixabay

    Many people who have suffered narcissistic abuse at the hands of a mate have a very difficult time explaining their situation to people who have never experienced anything like it. They are usually asked some form of the following questions:

    • What is narcissistic abuse?
    • Why did you put it up with it?
    • Why did you stay in the relationship for so long?

    Everyone will have his or her own version of the answers to these questions. However, it can be hard to repeatedly explain what happened and why. My clients’ dilemmas motivated me to write out for them a general explanation that they could adapt to their situation, print, and hand out to their loved ones.

    Note: In this post, I am using the terms narcissist, narcissistic, and NPD as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder. I am using male pronouns in the example below, but this can be applied to all genders.

    The General Definition of NPD

    My partner (or ex) has narcissistic personality disorder. This means that although he can project an image of being very confident and capable, underneath he actually feels very insecure about his self-worth. This uncertainty makes him seek perfection, validation from other people, and high status in an effort to reassure himself that he is special and stabilize his shaky self-esteem.

    People with narcissistic personality disorder lack emotional empathy. This means that my partner could not feel happy for me when I succeeded at something (unless it reflected well on him) or bad when he hurt me.

    The combination of these two things—difficulty regulating his own self-esteem and having no real empathy for other people—made my partner very self-centered and preoccupied with his own needs, although he generally tried to hide this. Instead, he did his best to project an image of whatever he thought would make him seem admirable to other people.

    All of the above made him ultra-sensitive to negative feedback, easily offended, and very aggressive towards me when he became angry.

    In the beginning of our relationship, he was very admiring and attentive to me. I didn’t realize it, but “getting” me after courting me made him feel strong and special.

    Once we were together, that wore off. He started to pick me apart and tell me what I needed to change. He became very bossy and punished me by yelling or coldly withdrawing whenever I did not do things his way. He also blamed me for anything that went wrong, even when it was obviously his fault. I started to be afraid of him after he threw the TV remote at my head.

    Things got worse as time went on. He did not care that he was abusing me (no emotional empathy) and he wanted to hurt me because devaluing and abusing me made him feel strong and better than me, which upped his self-esteem. In essence, our whole relationship from the beginning was all about him using me to feel better about himself.

    By the end of the relationship, I felt like a broken confused mess.

    Back then, before I learned about narcissism, I could not understand why I was being abused by a person who claimed to love me. It took me a long time to realize that I would never be able to please him, and we would always be fighting because he was a narcissist and incapable of having a normal relationship.

    Even though I now know this, it is still taking me a long time to heal because I really loved him and I believed him when he said he loved me and that we would be together forever.

    Summary

    It can be difficult to explain narcissistic abuse to people who have never experienced it. They are usually puzzled about how you could let this happen and not see it coming and why you stayed in the relationship after the abuse started. Some people may think that you are exaggerating. It is especially hard to explain when your narcissistic mate can project an image to other people of being smart, calm, and caring. In the end, you may have to settle for accepting that some people will simply not be able to imagine how you suffered or how badly you were treated.

    This also appeared on Quora.

    Feel free to share this with anyone who might benefit from reading it. Please cite me if you decide to share it.

    About the Author

    Elinor Greenberg Ph.D.

    Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., is a Gestalt therapy trainer who specializes in teaching the diagnosis and treatment of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid adaptations.

    Online:

     www.elinorgreenberg.com

  • The 1 Word That Instantly Disarms a Narcissist & Gaslighter

    The 1 Word That Instantly Disarms a Narcissist & Gaslighter

    The Panic of Being ‘Called Out’

    If you are a regular reader, you know the cycle: A toxic family member or partner begins to gaslight, stonewall, or deploy a smear campaign. Your instinct is to defend yourself, present evidence, and logic your way out of the manipulation.

    And every single time, you fail. Why? Because when dealing with a narcissistic dynamic, logic is not your tool—it is their cage. They want you to argue their premise because arguing gives their manipulation life and validity.

    What if there was a single, silent-killer word that you could use—not to argue, but to instantly deflate the entire interaction and take back control?

    This word bypasses their emotional defense system, stops the loop of self-doubt, and forces the focus back onto the only thing that matters: your boundary.

    The Word: “Noted.”

    It sounds simple, almost ridiculous. But when deployed correctly, the word “Noted” is the most powerful de-escalation tool against narcissistic abuse.

    It is a silent surrender of the argument, which is the exact opposite of what the manipulator expects.

    How Narcissists Want You to Respond vs. How You Should Respond

    Narcissist’s ActionExpected Response (The Trap)The “Noted” Response (The Hack)
    Gaslighting: “You’re imagining things. I never said that.”“Yes, you did! I have the text message!” (You defend your reality.)“Noted.” (You accept they said their piece and move on.)
    Blame-Shifting: “If you weren’t so sensitive, I wouldn’t have to yell.”“I am not sensitive! You are abusive!” (You defend your character.)“Noted.” (You refuse to engage the premise of the blame.)
    Stonewalling: “I’m busy. We’ll talk about this never.”“We need to talk about this now! It’s important!” (You chase them for closure.)“Noted.” (You acknowledge their action and set your next step independently.)

    The Psychological Power of “Noted”

    Why does this simple word work where long explanations fail?

    1. It Offers No Supply: The narcissistic individual feeds on emotional reaction—anger, tears, self-doubt, and frantic defense. “Noted” is emotionally neutral. It is the conversational equivalent of hanging up the phone. They get zero reaction, forcing them to find supply elsewhere.
    2. It Establishes Finality: It shuts down the argument without agreement or disagreement. It says, “I have heard your statement, and the conversation on this topic is now closed.”
    3. It Protects Your Reality: By simply saying “Noted,” you reserve your own reality privately. You don’t have to prove their statement false; you simply refuse to take ownership of it. You hold the boundary in your mind: “I know what is true, and your opinion changes nothing.”

    The Three Golden Rules for Deploying the “Hack”

    To make this work, you must pair the word with a specific demeanor and a follow-up action.

    1. Deliver it Coolly: Say the word calmly, without heat, or perhaps with a slight, neutral shrug. Never say it with sarcasm or anger, as that is still emotional supply.
    2. Do Not Elaborate: Once you say “Noted,” do not follow up with “because…” or “and I think…” The conversation is over. Period.
    3. Follow Up with an Action: The true power of “Noted” comes from what you do next. If they say, “You always ruin holidays, you’re not invited,” and you say “Noted,” your follow-up is to spend the holiday doing something else you enjoy, without mentioning them. You acknowledged their statement, and you have moved on with your life.

    This single word shifts the power dynamic from reactive self-defense to proactive boundary enforcement. Start practicing this one-word boundary today.

  • What Can You Do when You Can’t Do Anything?

    What Can You Do when You Can’t Do Anything?

    Take steps to regain control and resilience when you feel helpless.

    There are steps you can take when feeling helpless after a stressful situation.

    Be realistic with your feelings and allow them to occur.

    There are ways to turn helplessness into achievable goals.

    Source: Hữu Thanh Cái / Pixabay

    Source: Hữu Thanh Cái / Pixabay

    When we can’t do anything about a situation, it can be overwhelming. We can feel powerless, or stuck in a situation where we believe you have no control or ability to improve things. When we don’t see a way out, these feelings can compound, making it harder to think clearly or find solutions. The brain may struggle to process complex emotions, leading to feeling “stuck,” which can be frustrating and draining.

    Feeling helpless is unsettling. We want to act, solve problems, or find solutions to improve things for ourselves or others. Losing that ability can lead to anger, frustration, sadness, or even despair. You may even want to throw your hands up in the air because you just don’t know what to do to fix the problem. You may feel vulnerable, lost, and confused. It’s a vulnerability that exposes our fears about our ability to cope or adapt since, in the moment, our typical methods for handling stress seem ineffective due to the intensity of our emotions.

    Facing a situation that did not go the way we had hoped can feel deeply uncomfortable, which amplifies our anxiety and stress. It is natural to feel disappointed, frustrated, or even disheartened. What we can do about it is to channel those feelings into a sense of empowerment.

    5 Steps to Regain Control

    1. Be Realistic About Your Feelings: You are human. Feel your emotions, including anger. Lack of control in situations is deeply personal, especially when the outcomes impact you or your community. These feelings are valid and a normal response to feeling unheard, hurt, or facing unexpected change.
    2. Set Boundaries: To understand issues more deeply, stay informed using reputable sources and seek balanced perspectives but set limits to avoid burnout. Continuous exposure to situations can add more stress and anxiety. Consider using scheduled breaks to ensure that you decompress and find new ways to engage or adapt. This includes social media and other news sources.
    3. Use Your Community for Support: Realistically, we all need one another to communicate with and to share our values and concerns. This can be comforting and help us share ideas, plan initiatives, and encourage each other to keep working toward shared goals.
    4. Focus on You: Find the time to reflect on your values and goals. Practice them to make a positive impact in your immediate surroundings. This can be empowering and serve as a reminder that you still have control over your actions and mindset despite the circumstances.
    5. Create Long-Term Goals: Since change can be slow, remind yourself that setbacks are part of the process and bring forth new opportunities for advocacy and change. Focus on long-term goals for positive change to build resilience, even in difficult climates.

    After hard work, hope, and dedication, a situation that does not go in our favor can be disheartening, especially after so much effort has been put into a cause or a vision for the future. It can feel like a rejection of ideas, values, or plans that were close to your heart. This disappointment may also come with a sense of grief over missed opportunities for change. Take time to process these feelings, knowing that many people experience similar emotions and that they are a valid part of disappointment. In time, reflection, resilience, and commitment can help us refocus, drawing on lessons learned to inform future efforts.

    Feeling discouragement often comes from a place of caring deeply about something that did not go as planned. We naturally want to feel effective, valuable, and purposeful. When we feel helpless, it can seem like our actions do not matter, leading to a loss of motivation and sometimes a sense of meaninglessness. When this happens, we stop trying to change or improve situations, leaving us feeling powerless in the face of challenges. I know that it feels disheartening when situations do not go your way, but your voice, choices, and actions still matter.

    The more helpless we feel, the harder it can become to take proactive steps or see alternative perspectives. To combat this, maintain your mental and emotional health so that you can stay motivated and engaged. Participate in activities that provide you with peace to prevent additional stress. The passion behind your commitment is still valuable, and it may find new pathways, whether through other forms of personal engagement or personal growth. Remember, your goals are still achievable, even if the path to them looks different than you first envisioned.

    About the Author

    LisaLiggins-Chambers-Ph.D.

    Lisa Liggins-Chambers, PhD., is a school psychologist with 25 years of experience in universities, school districts, community mental health centers, and hospitals.

    Online:

     lisaligginschambers.com, Facebook, Instagram

  • Mindfulness and Setting Boundaries: How to Protect Your Peace and Build Healthy Relationships

    Mindfulness and Setting Boundaries: How to Protect Your Peace and Build Healthy Relationships

    In today’s fast-paced and hyper-connected world, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the constant demands on our time and energy. Many people struggle with saying “no” out of fear of disappointing others, damaging relationships, or appearing selfish. However, consistently ignoring your own needs leads to stress, resentment, and burnout. This is where mindfulness and boundary-setting intersect. Practicing mindfulness helps you tune into your emotional and physical needs, while clear boundaries protect your mental well-being and foster healthier relationships.

    mindfulness-and-setting-boundaries

    Why Boundaries Matter?

    Boundaries are the invisible lines we draw that define what we are and aren’t comfortable with in relationships, work, and daily life. They safeguard our emotional, physical, and mental health. Without them, people may unintentionally—or intentionally—take advantage of us, leaving us drained.

    Research shows that clear boundaries are essential for maintaining autonomy and reducing stress (Hall, 2019). They are not about building walls, but rather about creating space where mutual respect and care can flourish.

    How Mindfulness Supports Boundary-Setting?

    Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and aware of your thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations without judgment (Kabat-Zinn, 1994). By cultivating awareness, you are better able to recognize when your limits are being pushed and respond in a calm, grounded manner instead of reacting impulsively.

    A study in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that mindfulness reduces emotional reactivity and enhances self-regulation (Creswell, 2017). This makes it easier to notice when your boundaries are being crossed and to communicate them effectively.

    For example: If a coworker repeatedly asks you to stay late, mindfulness can help you notice feelings of resentment, pause, and respond with a respectful but firm, “I need to leave on time today.”

    Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries

    Mindfulness helps you tune into signals that your boundaries may be weak or being violated. Common red flags include:

    • Feeling drained or resentful after interactions.
    • Saying “yes” when you want to say “no.”
    • Experiencing physical tension (tight shoulders, headaches) around certain people.
    • Avoiding conversations out of fear of conflict.

    Acknowledging these signs without judgment is the first step in realigning with your needs.

    Practical Steps: Using Mindfulness to Set Boundaries

    1. Pause and Check In with Yourself

    When faced with a request or situation, pause before responding. Take a deep breath and ask yourself:

    • Do I genuinely want to do this?
    • Will this support my well-being or deplete me?

    Mindful pauses create space between stimulus and response, allowing for more intentional decision-making (Siegel, 2010).

    2. Practice Non-Judgmental Awareness

    Notice emotions that arise—whether guilt, fear, or frustration—without labeling them as “bad.” Recognizing these feelings with compassion helps you understand the inner conflict that boundary-setting often brings.

    3. Use Mindful Communication

    Express your limits with clarity and kindness. Instead of over-explaining, keep it simple:

    • “I appreciate the invitation, but I can’t commit right now.”
    • “I need some quiet time after work before I can socialize.”

    Mindful communication focuses on honesty without blame, which lowers defensiveness and fosters mutual respect (Linehan, 2015).

    4. Notice Your Body’s Signals

    Mindfulness also sharpens awareness of physical cues. A tight chest, racing heart, or clenched jaw may indicate discomfort. Use these signals as reminders that your boundary is being tested.

    5. Practice Self-Compassion

    Boundary-setting often triggers guilt, especially if you’re used to putting others first. Mindfulness teaches self-compassion—treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend (Neff, 2003). Remember, protecting your energy is not selfish; it’s an act of self-care.

    Benefits of Mindful Boundaries

    When you combine mindfulness with boundary-setting, the benefits ripple across every area of life:

    • Reduced Stress and Burnout: Clear boundaries prevent overcommitment, lowering stress levels (American Psychological Association, 2020).
    • Improved Relationships: Healthy limits foster trust and mutual respect. People know where you stand, and interactions become more authentic.
    • Greater Emotional Resilience: Mindfulness enhances your ability to manage difficult emotions when boundaries are challenged (Creswell, 2017).
    • Enhanced Self-Worth: Honoring your needs reinforces the belief that your time and energy are valuable.

    Putting It Into Practice Daily

    Start small. Use mindfulness to notice one area where you feel overextended. It might be at work, with family, or in your social life. Set one simple boundary and practice holding it consistently. Over time, it becomes easier to extend this practice into other areas of life.

    You might also try a short daily mindfulness meditation, focusing on your breath and body sensations. This strengthens awareness of your needs and helps you respond calmly when challenges arise.

    Final Thoughts

    Mindfulness and boundary-setting are powerful tools for protecting your peace, reducing stress, and cultivating healthier relationships. By tuning into your inner signals and honoring your needs, you create space for authenticity and mutual respect in every interaction. Remember: boundaries aren’t barriers; they’re bridges to more balanced, fulfilling connections.

    References

    • American Psychological Association. (2020). Stress in America 2020: A National Mental Health Crisis. APA.
    • Creswell, J. D. (2017). Mindfulness interventions. Annual Review of Psychology, 68, 491–516.
    • Hall, J. A. (2019). Relational boundary regulation: Managing closeness and distance in personal relationships. Communication Research Reports, 36(1), 1–12.
    • Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life. Hyperion.
    • Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT® Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
    • Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
    • Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Mindful Therapist: A Clinician’s Guide to Mindsight and Neural Integration. W. W. Norton & Company.
  • How to Tell Someone Is Using You? 7 Signs to Check

    How to Tell Someone Is Using You? 7 Signs to Check

    Human relationships thrive on mutual respect, trust, and reciprocity. But sometimes, you may find yourself giving far more than you’re receiving. Whether in friendships, romantic partnerships, or professional connections, being “used” can leave you drained, resentful, and questioning your own worth. Recognizing the signs early can help you set boundaries, protect your emotional health, and invest your energy where it is truly valued.

    Below are key indicators that someone may be using you, along with research-backed insights on why these dynamics occur and what you can do about them.

    how-to-tell-someone-is-using-you

    1. The Relationship Feels One-Sided

    A healthy relationship involves give-and-take. If you notice that you’re always the one making sacrifices—whether it’s your time, money, or emotional energy—it may be a sign that the other person is more interested in what they can gain than in genuinely connecting.

    According to research on reciprocity in relationships, mutual exchange is a critical factor in long-term satisfaction (Gouldner, 1960). When this balance is disrupted, feelings of exploitation often arise.

    Example: A friend only calls when they need a favor but is never available when you need support.

    2. They Disappear When You’re Struggling

    True friends and partners show up during both the highs and lows. If someone is present only during good times but vanishes when you’re dealing with hardship, it could be a red flag.

    Psychologists note that authentic social support involves emotional, informational, and practical help during times of stress (Cohen & Wills, 1985). A lack of support in difficult moments suggests conditional involvement—meaning they’re there only when it benefits them.

    3. They Guilt-Trip You into Compliance

    Emotional manipulation is a common tactic used by people who exploit others. If the individual frequently makes you feel guilty for saying “no,” or accuses you of being selfish when you set boundaries, this is a sign they are prioritizing their needs over your well-being.

    Research on guilt induction shows that it is often used as a strategy to control others’ behavior, undermining autonomy and increasing resentment (Baumeister, Stillwell, & Heatherton, 1994).

    4. Your Value to Them Is Transactional

    Pay attention to whether your interactions feel authentic or transactional. Do they only engage with you when they need money, connections, or emotional reassurance? If the relationship feels more like a transaction than a genuine bond, chances are you’re being used.

    Experts in social exchange theory highlight that while relationships do involve exchanges, exploitation occurs when one person consistently benefits at the expense of the other (Emerson, 1976).

    5. They Show Little Interest in Your Life

    When someone genuinely values you, they care about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. If conversations are always centered on them, and they rarely ask about your life, it’s a sign of imbalance.

    A study on conversational reciprocity found that people who show low engagement in mutual sharing are often perceived as less likable and trustworthy (Vangelisti, 2009).

    6. You Feel Emotionally Drained After Interacting

    One of the clearest indicators of being used is how you feel after spending time with the person. Do you leave the interaction feeling uplifted, or do you feel depleted, anxious, or resentful?

    According to the American Psychological Association, emotional exhaustion is a key symptom of being in exploitative or toxic relationships (APA, 2020).

    7. They Don’t Respect Your Boundaries

    Respect for personal limits is essential in any healthy relationship. If someone repeatedly ignores or pushes past your boundaries, it suggests they value their needs above your comfort and autonomy.

    Research in boundary-setting highlights that those who respect healthy boundaries are more likely to foster trust and long-lasting relationships (Hall, 2019).

    How to Protect Yourself

    Recognizing these signs is the first step, but protecting yourself requires action. Here are some strategies:

    • Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate your limits firmly and consistently.
    • Evaluate Reciprocity: Reflect on whether the relationship truly adds value to your life.
    • Practice Self-Compassion: Remind yourself that you deserve respect and mutual care.
    • Seek Support: Talk to trusted friends, a therapist, or support groups for perspective.
    • Be Willing to Walk Away: Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to end a relationship that consistently leaves you feeling used.

    Final Thoughts

    Being used by someone can erode your self-esteem and emotional well-being if left unchecked. By recognizing the warning signs—such as one-sided giving, lack of support, manipulation, or disregard for your boundaries—you can take steps to protect yourself and invest in healthier, more reciprocal relationships.

    At the end of the day, genuine connections are built on mutual respect and care. You deserve relationships where you feel valued not for what you can provide, but for who you are. How to tell someone is a good friend

    References

    • American Psychological Association. (2020). Stress in America 2020: A National Mental Health Crisis. APA.
    • Baumeister, R. F., Stillwell, A. M., & Heatherton, T. F. (1994). Guilt: An interpersonal approach. Psychological Bulletin, 115(2), 243–267.
    • Cohen, S., & Wills, T. A. (1985). Stress, social support, and the buffering hypothesis. Psychological Bulletin, 98(2), 310–357.
    • Emerson, R. M. (1976). Social exchange theory. Annual Review of Sociology, 2, 335–362.
    • Gouldner, A. W. (1960). The norm of reciprocity: A preliminary statement. American Sociological Review, 25(2), 161–178.
    • Hall, J. A. (2019). Relational boundary regulation: Managing closeness and distance in personal relationships. Communication Research Reports, 36(1), 1–12.
    • Vangelisti, A. L. (2009). Conversational reciprocity and its effects on relationships. Interpersonal Communication Research Journal, 23(4), 450–468.

  • Self-Respect Mantras: Hack Your Mind and Improve Confidence

    Self-Respect Mantras: Hack Your Mind and Improve Confidence

    Have you ever noticed the constant chatter in your head? The small voice that whispers doubts, highlights your mistakes, and tells you that you’re not good enough? That inner critic can be a powerful force against your self-worth. But what if you could change its script? This is where self-respect mantras come in.

    Mantras are short, positive affirmations that you can repeat to yourself. When you say them with intention, you are actively choosing to replace negative thought patterns with empowering ones. Think of it as “hacking” your mind—you’re consciously reprogramming your brain to believe in your own value. This isn’t about ignoring reality; it’s about giving yourself the psychological tools to face challenges from a place of strength, not self-doubt.

    Mantras for Inner Calm

    Sometimes, the simplest mantras are the most powerful. They help you quiet the noise and center yourself. Try repeating these when you feel overwhelmed or insecure:

    • “My worth is not defined by my productivity.”
    • “I am enough, just as I am.”
    • “My feelings are valid.”
    • “I am capable and strong.”

    Mantras for Tough Moments

    When you’re facing a difficult conversation, a tough decision, or a moment of failure, these mantras can give you a boost of confidence. They help you remember your resilience and your right to be treated with respect.

    • “I deserve to be heard and respected.”
    • “I am doing my best, and my best is enough.”
    • “It is safe for me to say no.”
    • “I choose to trust myself.”

    The Practice of Mantras

    To make mantras an effective part of your life, you need to practice them consistently. A few times a day, take a deep breath and repeat a mantra to yourself—aloud if you can, or silently. You can also write a few on a sticky note and place it somewhere you’ll see it often, like on your mirror or computer screen. Each time you read it, pause and truly internalize its meaning. This practice builds a stronger foundation for your self-respect and helps you make mindful decisions that honor your needs.

    Remember, a strong sense of self-worth is the first step toward setting healthy boundaries with others. This practice works hand-in-hand with our guide on Mindfulness for Setting Boundaries.

  • The Characteristics of a Master Manipulator

    The Characteristics of a Master Manipulator

    The adjective manipulative is derived from the Latin manus, meaning “hand,” pointing to the original concept of skillfully handling objects. Today, it refers to employing covert strategies to achieve one’s desires, frequently harming others in the process. In daily life, it’s not uncommon to come across individuals who skillfully use manipulation, exerting influence over others to meet their ends.

    Such master manipulators are often characterized by distinct traits and utilize a variety of tactics to accomplish their objectives. Recognizing these elements is essential for identifying and safeguarding yourself against manipulative influences.

    This piece will explore the realm of the master manipulator, shedding light on their traits, common strategies, and the psychological effects of manipulation. By understanding these concepts, you’ll be prepared to spot and counteract manipulative behavior, thereby retaining autonomy over your decisions and life.

    Characteristics of a Master Manipulator

    Characteristics-of-a-Master-Manipulator

    Charm and Charisma

    Master manipulators are often endowed with an extraordinary ability to charm and captivate those around them. They project an image of sincerity, compassion, and allure, leveraging these qualities to foster a misleading sense of trust and safety. This charm, however, is not heartfelt but a strategic maneuver to secure a dominant position in relationships. Through love-bombing, which includes a barrage of compliments, praise, and affection, they swiftly forge a deep emotional connection, rendering you more vulnerable to their sway.

    Emotional Leverage

    Emotional leverage is a critical instrument in the manipulator’s toolkit. They excel at pinpointing and exploiting your vulnerabilities, fears, and insecurities. By inducing feelings of guilt, anxiety, or inadequacy, they can steer your actions and decisions. Manipulators may invoke ethical principles, such as notions of humanity or charity, to guilt-trip you into complying with their demands. Furthermore, by recalling past favors or assistance, they create a sense of indebtedness, compelling you to acquiesce to their wishes.

    Deception and Lies

    Deception stands as a cornerstone trait of master manipulators. They habitually resort to lying, fabricating excuses, and tactically twisting facts to further their ends. This manipulation can take the form of exaggeration, generalization, and the selective dissemination of information to weave a narrative that favors their objectives. Employing gaslighting techniques, they may deny past agreements or discussions, leading you to question your own memory and sanity. Their skill in presenting logical yet contradictory arguments and actions adds layers of complexity, making it challenging for you to separate truth from falsehood.

    Psychological Impact of Being Manipulated

    Characteristics-of-a-Master-Manipulator

    Impact on Mental Health

    Being manipulated can have profound and lasting effects on an individual’s mental health. Chronic manipulation, particularly in intimate relationships, can lead to severe mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation.

    Victims of manipulation often experience feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt. They may develop unhealthy coping mechanisms and constantly try to please the manipulative person, even at the expense of their own well-being. Manipulation can erode a person’s self-esteem, making them question their own perceptions, memories, and sanity. This can result in a loss of confidence in their decision-making abilities and a heightened fear of abandonment.

    The psychological toll of manipulation can also manifest as post-traumatic stress, with victims experiencing symptoms such as hypervigilance, flashbacks, and an exaggerated startle response.

    The constant emotional turmoil and stress can lead to physical health issues as well, such as sleep disorders, digestive problems, and a weakened immune system.

    Effects on Personal Relationships

    Manipulation can significantly deteriorate the health of personal relationships. In romantic relationships, manipulation can lead to feelings of being bullied, isolated, or worthless. It can cause one partner to feel trapped and helpless, while the other partner maintains control through various manipulative tactics.

    In friendships and family relationships, manipulation can create toxic dynamics where one person uses guilt, coercion, or emotional blackmail to extract favors or control the other’s actions. This can lead to a breakdown in trust and communication, ultimately causing the relationship to become unsustainable. Manipulation can also make it difficult for the victim to form healthy relationships in the future, as they may struggle with trust issues and a fear of being exploited again.

    Recovery and Building Resilience

    Recovering from the effects of manipulation requires a significant amount of time, effort, and often professional help. It is essential for victims to recognize the manipulative behavior and acknowledge the harm it has caused.

    Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist can provide a safe space to process emotions and develop strategies to rebuild self-esteem and confidence. Setting firm boundaries and learning to assert oneself are key steps in recovery. Victims need to understand that they have the power to refuse engagement with manipulative behavior and should not feel obligated to please the manipulator at their own expense.

    Creating healthy distance from the manipulator and engaging in self-care activities can also help in the healing process. Building resilience involves validating one’s emotions, recognizing personal strengths, and developing a support system. It is important to stay focused on the main issues and not get sidetracked by the manipulator’s attempts to deflect or minimize their behavior.

    By staying grounded in reality and maintaining a clear understanding of what is happening, victims can begin to rebuild their lives and move forward from the manipulation.

    Conclusion

    In conclusion, recognizing and understanding the tactics of a master manipulator is essential for protecting your mental health and personal relationships. Remember that manipulators often use charm, emotional leverage, and deception to control others. Be wary of gaslighting, love bombing, and isolation tactics that can erode your self-esteem and trust in your own perceptions.

    Recovering from manipulation involves seeking support, setting firm boundaries, and rebuilding your self-confidence. It is essential to validate your emotions and recognize the manipulative behavior for what it is. Take action by educating yourself and others about manipulative behaviors, and do not hesitate to seek professional help when needed. By staying informed and vigilant, you can protect yourself and those around you from the harmful effects of manipulation.