Despite how natural friendship can feel, people rarely stop to analyze it. How do you know when someone will make a good friend? When is it time to move on from a friendship? Oftentimes, people rely on gut intuitions to answer these kinds of questions.

In psychology research, there’s no universally accepted definition of a friend. Traditionally, when psychologists have analyzed friendship, it’s often been through the lens of exchange. How much did that friend do for me? How much did I do for them? The idea is that friendships are transactional, where friends stick around only as long as they are getting at least as much as they are giving in the friendship.

But this focus doesn’t capture what feels like the essence of friendship for many people. We and our colleagues think another model for relationships – what we call risk-pooling – better matches what many people experience. In this kind of friendship, no one is keeping track of who did what for whom.

Our research over the past decade suggests that this kind of friendship was essential for our ancient ancestors to survive the challenges they encountered. And we feel it’s essential for surviving the challenges of life today, whether navigating personal struggles or dealing with natural disasters.

A focus on what friends give you

The traditional social exchange theory of friendship views relationships as transactions where people keep a tally of costs and benefits. Building on this framework, researchers have suggested that you approach each friendship with a running list of pluses and minuses to decide whether to maintain the bond. You keep friendships that provide more benefits than costs, and you end those that don’t.

The theory holds that this balancing act comes into play when making decisions about what kinds of friendships to pursue and how to treat your friends. It’s even made its way into pop psychology self-help spaces.

We contend that the biggest issue with social exchange theory is that it misses the nuances of real-life relationships. Frankly, the theory’s wrong: People often don’t use this cost-to-benefit ratio in their friendships.

Less accounting, more supporting

Anybody who has seen a friend through tough times – or been the one who was supported – can tell you that keeping track of what a friend does for you isn’t what friendships are about. Friendships are more about companionship, enjoyment and bonding. Sometimes, friendship is about helping just because your friend is in need and you care about their well-being.

Social exchange theory would suggest that you’d be better off dropping someone who is going through cancer treatment or a death in the family because they’re not providing as many benefits to you as they could. But real-life experiences with these situations suggest the opposite: These are the times when many people are most likely to support their friends.

Our research is consistent with this intuition about the shortcomings of social exchange theory. When we surveyed people about what they want in a friend, they didn’t place a high value on having a friend who is conscientious about paying back any debts – something highly valued from a social exchange perspective.

People considered other traits – such as loyalty, reliability, respectfulness and being there in times of need – to be much more important. These qualities that relate to emotional commitment were seen as necessities, while paying back was seen as a luxury that mattered only once the emotional commitment was met.

Having friends who will help you when you’re struggling, work with you in the friendship and provide emotional support all ranked higher in importance than having a friend who pays you back. While they might not always be able to provide tangible benefits, friends can show they care in many other ways.

Of course, friendship isn’t always positive. Some friends can take advantage by asking too much or neglecting responsibilities they could handle themselves. In those cases, it can be useful to step back and weigh the costs and benefits.

Friendship is more than the sum of its parts

But how do friendships actually help people survive? That is one question that we investigated as part of The Human Generosity Project, a cross-disciplinary research collaboration.

The risk-pooling rather than exchange pattern of friendship is something that we found across societies, from “kere kere” in Fiji to “tomor marang” among the Ik in Uganda. People help their friends in times of need without expecting to be paid back.

The Maasai, an Indigenous group in Kenya and Tanzania who rely on cattle herds to make their living, cultivate friends who help them when they are in need, with no expectation about paying each other back. People ask for help from these special friends, called osotua partners, only when they are in genuine need, and they give if they are asked and able.

These partnerships are not about everyday favors – rather, they are about surviving unpredictable, life-altering risks. Osotua relationships are built over a lifetime, passed down across generations and often marked with sacred rituals.

When we modeled how these osotua relationships function over time, we found they help people survive when their environments are volatile and when they ask those most likely to be able to help. These relationships lead to higher rates of survival for both partners compared to those built on keeping track of debts.

These friends act as social insurance systems for each other, helping each other when needs arise because of unpredictable and uncontrollable events.

And we see this in the United States, just as we do in smaller-scale, more remote societies. In one study, we focused on ranchers in southern Arizona and New Mexico embedded in a network of what they call “neighboring.” They don’t expect to be paid back when they help their neighbors with unpredictable challenges such as an accident, injury or illness. We also found this same pattern in an online study of U.S.-based participants.

In contrast, people such as the ranchers we studied are more likely to expect to be paid back for help when needs arise because of more predictable challenges such as branding cattle or paying bills.

Catastrophic insurance, not tit for tat

What all this research suggests is that friendship is less about the exchange of favors and more about being there for each other when unforeseeable disaster strikes. Friendship seems more like an insurance plan designed to kick in when you need it most rather than a system of balanced exchange.

What lets these partnerships endure is not only generosity, but also restraint and responsibility: Maasai expect their osotua partners to take care of themselves when they can and to ask only when help is truly needed. That balance of care, respect and self-management offers a useful model.

In a world of growing uncertainty, cultivating risk-pooling friendships and striving to be a good partner yourself may help you build resilience. Our ancestors survived with the help of this kind of relationship; our future may depend on them too.

Beginning July 16, 2022, people struggling with mental health crises can now call 988, a new number focused on providing lifesaving suicide prevention and crisis services. But 988 is not just a shorter, easier-to-remember replacement for the current suicide hotline. Congress and the Federal Communications Commission also established the 988 Lifeline to address longstanding concerns in mental health care.

The Conversation asked Derek Lee, a PhD student at The Ohio State University in Counselor Education and Supervision and a therapist, to explain the new service and how it is different from the old hotline. Lee’s academic and research focus is on suicide, including training, intervention and prevention.

What is 988?

The three-digit number is part of a new national mental health program. In 2020, the Federal Communications Commission designated 988 as the help line number, and Congress authorized funding for the 988 Lifeline Program.

Can people still call 1-800-273-TALK?

Sure. The soon-to-be old number has been operational since 2005, but it will not be going away just yet.

July 16 is when 988 went live nationally and callers can also begin using it to call, text or chat.

What’s wrong with the old number?

The system behind it, including its 200 call centers currently in the national crisis line network, according to a 2019 report on the program.

A major problem is that call centers don’t always have the staff or the technology to handle growing numbers of calls.

Calls that in-state centers are unable to answer get rerouted to centers out of state through the system’s backup network. This means that the operator may be less familiar with local crises, according to a spokesperson for Vibrant Emotional Health, the nonprofit that administers the crisis line program. Or incoming calls might simply “bunch up,” creating a telephone logjam, and leave callers waiting on hold “too long,” a time period the report does not define.

The report does note, however, that there isn’t a consistent standard for wait times, staffing or other operational aspects of the call centers. State governments regulate them, and they are independently operated.

How will 988 be different?

That’s unclear. Vibrant hasn’t released specific plans. Congress hasn’t either, but the Behavioral Crisis Services Expansion Act introduced last year requires call centers to “offer air traffic control-quality coordination of crisis care in real-time.”

Where will the money come from to pay for all this?

The shift to 988 comes with funding at the state and federal levels, as well as federal oversight to assure equitable access. Initial funding is coming through federal channels, including the American Rescue Plan, Community Mental Health Services Block Grant and President Biden’s proposed 2022 fiscal year budget. Most of the long-term funding will come from individual states.

Why is all this happening now?

Much of the discussion began during the pandemic, which really brought mental health issues to the forefront. A study of 8 million calls to help lines in 19 countries and regions found that call volumes jumped during the initial wave of coronavirus infections. At the six-week peak, the total number of calls was 35% higher than before the pandemic.

In the U.S., the coronavirus national emergency and the widespread lockdown that followed brought nationwide increases in the number of people struggling with depression, anxiety and other mental conditions. Alcohol use increased, particularly among women and college students.

Who does 988 benefit?

Anyone who needs help with their mental health, particularly people in crisis. A major goal of the 988 Lifeline is creating equity in mental health services, especially for those who have not always had consistent or reliable access to mental health care.

For example, Vibrant will provide operators who speak both English and Spanish and telephone interpreter service in over 150 additional languages.

One improvement experts would like to see is the implementation of virtual visits with mental health professionals for those who can’t travel to in-person appointments, like people with disabilities or those in rural areas.

Editor’s note: This story has been updated to reflect Vibrant Emotional Health’s most recent plans for the 988 Lifeline.

From the breakup of a relationship to losing a loved one, people are often told to find “closure” after traumatic things happen.

But what is closure? And should it really be the goal for individuals seeking relief or healing, even in these traumatic times of global pandemic, war in Ukraine and mass shootings in the U.S.?

Closure is an elusive concept. There is no agreed-upon definition for what closure means or how one is supposed to find it. Although there are numerous interpretations of closure, it usually relates to some type of ending to a difficult experience.

As a grief expert and author of “Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us,” I have learned that the language of closure can often create confusion and false hope for those experiencing loss. Individuals who are grieving feel more supported when they are allowed time to learn to live with their loss and not pushed to find closure.

Why did closure become popular?

Closure is entrenched in popular culture not because it is a well-defined, understood concept that people need, but rather because the idea of closure can be used to sell products, services and even political agendas.

The funeral industry started using closure as an important selling point after it was criticized harshly in the 1960s for charging too much for funerals. To justify their high prices, funeral homes began claiming that their services helped with grief too. Closure eventually became a neat package to explain those services.

In the 1990s, death penalty advocates used the concept of closure to reshape their political discourse. Arguing that the death penalty would bring closure for victims’ family members was an attempt to appeal to a broader audience. However, research continues to show that executions do not bring closure.

Still today, journalists, politicians, businesses and other professionals use the rhetoric of closure to appeal to people’s emotions related to trauma and loss.

So What is the Problem with Closure?

It is not the mere presence of closure as a concept that is a problem. The concern comes when people believe closure must be found in order to move forward.

Closure represents a set of expectations for responding after bad things happen. If people believe they need closure in order to heal but cannot find it, they may feel something is wrong with them. Because so many others may tell those grieving they need closure, they often feel a pressure to either end grief or hide it. This pressure can lead to further isolation.

Privately, many people may resent the idea of closure because they do not want to forget their loved ones or have their grief minimized. I hear this frustration from people I interview.

Closure frequently becomes a one-word description of what individuals are supposed to find at the end of the grieving process. The concept of closure taps into a desire to have things ordered and simple, but experiences with grief and loss are often longer-term and complex.

If not Closure, then What?

As a grief researcher and public speaker, I engage with many different groups of people seeking help in their grief journeys or looking for ways to better support others. I’ve listened to hundreds of people who share their experiences with loss. And I learn time and again that people do not need closure to heal.

They can carry grief and joy together. They can carry grief as part of their love for many years. As part of my research, I interviewed a woman I will call Christina.

Just before her 16th birthday, Christina’s mom and four siblings were killed in a car accident. Over 30 years later, Christina said that people continue to expect her to just “be over it” and to find closure. But she does not want to forget her mother and siblings. She is not seeking closure to their deaths. She has a lot of joy in her life, including her children and grandchildren. But her mom and siblings who died are also part of who she is.

Both privately – and as a community – individuals can learn to live with loss. The types of loss and trauma people experience vary greatly. There is not just one way to grieve, and there is no time schedule. Furthermore, the history of any community contains a range of experiences and emotions, which might include collective trauma from events such as mass shootings, natural disasters or war. The complexity of loss reflects the complexity of relationships and experiences in life.

Rather than expecting yourself and others to find closure, I would suggest creating space to grieve and to remember trauma or loss as needed. Here are a few suggestions to get started:

• Know people can carry complicated emotions together. Embrace a full range of emotions. The goal does not need to be “being happy” all the time for you or others.

• Improve listening skills and know you can help others without trying to fix them. Be present and acknowledge loss through listening.

• Realize that people vary greatly in their experiences with loss and the way they grieve. Don’t compare people’s grief and loss.

• Bear witness to pain and trauma of others in order to acknowledge their loss.

• Provide individual and community-level opportunities for remembering. Give yourself and others freedom to carry memories.

Healing does not mean rushing to forget and silencing those who hurt. I believe that by providing space and time to grieve, communities and families can honor lives lost, acknowledge trauma and learn what pain people continue to carry.

Nancy Berns Professor of Sociology

Depression can feel paralyzing, making it hard to get out of bed and leaving you drained of motivation. To combat this, start small. Set achievable goals such as sitting up, getting dressed in regular clothes, or taking a short walk. Practice self-compassion and gently reintroduce activities you enjoy, even in short bursts.

Why You Feel Like You Can’t Get Out of Bed With Depression

Feeling like you can’t get out of bed when depressed is a common  symptom of depression. It often stems from extreme fatigue, both physical and emotional.Physically, depression can cause fatigue because it disrupts normal sleep patterns. Emotionally, depression is marked by extreme sadness or hopelessness, which can cause emotional exhaustion. Additionally, depression can cause a lack of motivation and interest in activities that were once enjoyable, making the effort to get out of bed seem pointless.¹

19 Tips for How to Get Out of Bed When Depressed

Getting out of bed when you’re dealing with depression can be a challenge, but several strategies might help make the process a bit easier. Start by taking small steps and building up to bigger tasks. Establishing consistent routines of positive affirmations, therapy, and other healthy lifestyle choices can help provide daily purpose.

Here are nineteen tips that can help you to get out of bed when depressed:

1. Set Manageable Goals

Moving past depression can feel impossible for many people. When working on getting out of bed when depressed, don’t expect to change everything about your morning habits right away! Instead of viewing productivity as a single massive task, break your morning down into manageable steps. What are some small, manageable changes that you can make?

Here are some manageable goals you can set for yourself:

• Getting out of bed 10-15 minutes earlier than the day before.
• Take a shower when you get up rather than waiting till later.
• Engage in a mindfulness practice, like journaling, in the morning.
• Get dressed and ready for the day instead of staying in pajamas.
• Sit outside for a few minutes (weather permitting).
• Do some gentle stretches when you get out of bed to get your body moving.
• Reach out to a friend or family member for a phone call in the morning.

2. Plan Something to Look Forward To

Scheduling something in advance for your day will give you more reason and purpose for getting up and moving. Planning something enjoyable, like a walk, a nice coffee drink, or a visit with a friend, can be a great motivator to see the day in a brighter light. Having a plan can also keep you accountable, especially if it’s a scheduled appointment or meeting.

3. Begin a Morning Routine

Creating a morning routine is a widely recommended strategy for getting out of bed.  You need to start with small steps to make larger, long-term changes in your waking routine. The first step is literally stepping on the floor when your alarm goes off; not snoozing and sitting upright will get your system ready to move!

After getting out of bed, choose an activity that stimulates your senses and helps you feel energized, rather than keeps you in bed. Use your five senses to get your brain clicked on for the day: listen to upbeat music, light a candle or incense, turn on the lights or open windows, change the temperature (with clothes or environment), or eat a mint/chocolate.

4. Get a Pet Who Needs Your Care First Thing

We often feel more care and compassion for others compared to ourselves when we feel depressed. Having a living creature depending on you can be a huge motivation to get up and move in the morning. A dog or cat will likely wake you up to be fed, watered, or let outside. Other pets like fish, lizards, or even virtual pets will also need your attention daily!

5. Have Someone Hold You Accountable

An accountability buddy can be extremely helpful for getting up and moving in the morning. Think about having a friend or family member physically check on you or call you at an agreed-upon time. You can also use a shared calendar that alerts both of you each morning. There are also wake-up call services and apps that will help you wake up.

6. Use Multiple Alarms & Make It Harder to Turn Them Off

Have an alarm (or more than one) that forces you to get out of bed by being further away than you can reach from where you sleep. Keeping your alarm device across the room will make you get moving. Turn off the snooze function on your alarm so you don’t have any temptation to use it. Choose an alarm sound that’s obnoxious so you can’t sleep through it.

7. Keep Your Room Dark at Night & Bright in the Morning

Bright light in the morning signals your body to wake up. Open your blinds first thing. At night, reduce screen time and artificial light to promote restful sleep and help regulate your circadian rhythm.²

8. Limit Daytime Naps

While you may feel very sleepy during the day, do your best to limit or avoid taking naps. This will help establish a sleep-wake routine for your body to get used to and follow. Your system can get confused and off schedule when sleep occurs outside of the typical window, making it harder to get efficient sleep during the night.

9. Turn On Upbeat Music

Our sense of hearing is one of the most powerful tools we have to help us get up and stay awake. Choosing an upbeat, inspiring, or favorite song can help you get your body and brain moving out of sleep mode and into wakefulness. Try picking a song you can’t help but dance to to get your body moving!

10. Spend Time Outside Every Day

Natural sunlight has been shown time and time again to help regulate and maintain our sleep-wake cycle and our mood.² Exposure to daylight helps modulate our brain chemistry, including serotonin availability, which can lead to stabilizing your mood. If you can get out in the daylight in the morning, it tends to be more effective in decreasing depressive symptoms.

11. Prioritize Just a Few Tasks Each Day

Sometimes, people have a hard time getting up because they’re overwhelmed with everything they need to get done. Creating a hierarchy of what actually needs to be done each day can prevent you from feeling overwhelmed. You can also break down larger, intimidating tasks into smaller steps to help you feel more motivated to get started. Do your best not to shame yourself for what you haven’t done, but praise yourself for what you do get accomplished.

12. Try Light Therapy

Light therapy is best as an alternative or adjunctive treatment for depression.³ Light therapy involves daily exposure to artificial bright light, typically in the morning, delivered through a box equipped with fluorescent tubes, a reflector, and a diffusing screen.³

Light therapy is well suited for seasonal affective disorder (SAD). Less sun and daylight can impact mood and lead to depression during darker and colder times of the year. While research on the effectiveness of light therapy for non-seasonal depression is limited, it may be beneficial to try it when you struggle with getting out of bed when depressed. You can also purchase light boxes from many retailers to experiment with light therapy at home.

13. Incorporate Self-Compassion Practices

If you struggle with depression, you may speak down to yourself or be overly critical of errors or mistakes. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and empathy you would offer to a loved one. It’s about cultivating a gentle and supportive relationship with yourself, especially during times of difficulty or when dealing with depression.

Here are some ways to practice self-compassion:

• Try a loving-kindness meditation
• Engage in gentle movement practices, like yoga, walking, or stretching
• Practice positive self-talk and affirmations throughout the day
• Eat and drink things that make your body and mind feel nourished
• Utilize deep breathing exercises to calm your mind and body
• Do one small act of self-care for depression
• Try supportive self-touches, like hugs or holds, to comfort yourself
• 14. Journal About Your Emotions & Triggers
• Regularly writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences can provide insight into your emotions and help you identify patterns and triggers related to your depression. Journaling is a powerful tool that can help you manage depression, increase self-awareness, and promote emotional well-being. There are also many journal prompts for depression if you’re unsure how to start.
• 15. Talk to a Therapist
• Seeing a therapist can be crucial if you physically can’t get out of bed due to depression. Therapists receive training to provide guidance and tools to help reframe thoughts, explore the causes of your depression, develop coping skills for depression, and set achievable goals. Their expertise can empower you to develop a personalized plan for getting out of bed, establishing routines, and finding motivation even when depression feels overwhelming.
• 16. Utilize Creative Art Therapies
• Depressed individuals may not feel like talking or know how to express their thoughts.  Psychodrama therapy, music therapy, and art therapy provide alternative outlets that can be just as powerful as talk therapy. Activities like drawing, painting, or crafting can provide an outlet for self-expression while listening to or creating music, which can positively impact mood and motivation.
• 17. Consider Medication
• Antidepressants can be considered a first-line treatment option for depressive symptoms. These medications work by balancing certain neurotransmitter levels in the brain to help decrease depression and increase pleasant experiences and motivation. The main class of drugs is SSRIs, which prevent the brain from reabsorbing serotonin, allowing the neurotransmitter to stay longer between the synapses.
• It is important to note that medication is not a cure-all. However, antidepressants can substantially help manage your mood and thoughts. Speaking to your medical provider or getting a medication evaluation from a psychiatrist are positive first steps toward understanding what medications might work best. Remember that these medications can take days or weeks to reach their therapeutic benefit. There are online psychiatrist options to help find providers in your area.
• 18. Seek Medical Advice
• Sometimes, super low energy can indicate an actual medical problem, so if you’re having consistent trouble, it could be worth getting tested for vitamin deficiencies and/or thyroid problems. Try to be as honest as possible with your primary physician about your physical and mental health during each visit, as they tend to affect each other and can impact the proper course of treatment for you.
• 19. Let Yourself Have an Occasional Day in Bed
• Depression shares similarities with a physical injury. An injury tells us to take it easy and seek medical support when necessary. Depression shows us that we must prioritize our mental health and possibly take it easy by staying in bed. However, be mindful of the balance between staying in and getting out of bed. Staying in bed can provide temporary relief but can also exacerbate feelings of isolation, worsen your mood, and impede your physical and social health.
• How to Find Professional Support
• Seeing a mental health professional who specializes in treating depression can be the key to feeling better. There are many different online therapy services for depression that make finding a therapist who specializes in depression easy and affordable. Platforms such as Talkspace or Amwell offer therapy services that are covered by insurance. They also provide psychiatry services for individuals who want to explore medication options for depression.

David Tzall, PsyD

“Depression is not something to be ashamed of or feared. Staying in bed when depressed is a normal part of the condition running its course. Take time to understand why you are depressed and listen to your needs. There is a greater chance you won’t cast shame on your behavior if you give your body and mind what they need.”

Love bombing is a term that has gained increasing attention in recent years, particularly in discussions about romantic relationships and emotional abuse. As someone who wants to better understand this behavior, I’ll break down what love bombing is, how to recognize it, and what to do if you find yourself in a love bombing situation.

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a manipulative tactic used by individuals to gain control over another person by overwhelming them with affection, attention, and gifts. It often occurs in the early stages of a relationship and can create an intense emotional bond. However, this behavior is not genuine love; rather, it is a way for the love bomber to exert power over their partner.

Key Characteristics of Love Bombing:

1. Excessive Compliments: Constantly praising and adoring their partner.
2. Rapid Attachment: Pushing for quick emotional investment and commitment.
3. Gifts and Surprises: Showering the partner with extravagant gifts and surprises unexpectedly.
4. Incessant Communication: Frequent texts and calls, often overwhelming the partner’s personal space.
5. Over-the-Top Romantic Gestures: Grand declarations of love and romantic gestures that feel a bit excessive.

How to Recognize Love Bombing

Recognizing love bombing can be tricky, especially when you’re being swept off your feet. Here are some red flags to watch out for:

1. The Pace of the Relationship

If the relationship is moving too quickly for comfort, it might be a sign of love bombing. Love bombers often push for quick commitments and can become overly attached in a short period.

2. Inconsistent Behavior

Love bombers may alternate between intense affection and withdrawal. This push-pull dynamic can leave you feeling confused and craving their affection, which they know how to exploit.

3. Manipulation of Emotions

Watch for moments where you feel guilty or responsible for their happiness. Love bombers often make their partners feel as if they owe them their affection or loyalty.

4. Isolation Tactics

If they discourage you from spending time with friends or family, it’s a major red flag. Love bombers often try to isolate their targets to exert control.

5. Pressure on Your Time and Attention

An intense desire for your undivided attention can be a sign of love bombing. If they expect you to constantly prioritize them above everything else, it could indicate manipulation.

6. Feeling Overwhelmed

If you frequently feel overwhelmed by their affection or find it hard to breathe in the relationship, it’s an important warning sign.

What to Do if You’re Experiencing Love Bombing

If you suspect that you’re being love bombed, here are steps to take to protect yourself and regain balance.

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

Take time to understand your feelings about the relationship. Keep a journal or talk to trusted friends to assess the situation and clarify your emotions.

2. Set Boundaries

Establish healthy boundaries that allow you to maintain your independence. Discuss your needs and limits clearly with your partner.

3. Slow Down the Relationship

If you feel pressured, it’s okay to slow down. Take a step back from the intensity and allow the relationship to develop naturally.

Reflect on Feelings	Gain clarity on how you really feel.
Set Boundaries	Protect your space and maintain independence.
Slow Down the Pace	Create an environment for genuine connection.

Action Steps

Purpose

4. Communicate Openly

Make an effort to communicate your feelings and concerns with your partner. You have every right to express how their behavior affects you.

5. Seek Support

Don’t hesitate to reach out for support from friends, family, or even a mental health professional. Sometimes an outside perspective can help assess the situation better.

6. Consider Ending the Relationship

If you find that your partner refuses to respect your boundaries and continues to engage in love bombing behaviors, it may be time to consider ending the relationship. Your well-being should always come first.

Conclusion

In conclusion, love bombing can feel exhilarating at first, but understanding its nature and recognizing the signs is essential to protecting yourself. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel overwhelmed by affection, take time to assess your feelings and establish healthy boundaries.

Remember that genuine love grows gradually and is built on respect, communication, and trust. If you ever suspect that a relationship’s dynamic doesn’t feel healthy, trust your instincts and seek help if needed.

Staying informed is the first step in safeguarding your heart and finding authentic connections that uplift you rather than manipulate you.

Ten ways to do the small things that will add up

You did everything right.

You crushed your 45-minute HIIT class. You sweated, you pushed, and your fitness tracker gave you a gold star. You burned 350 calories.

Then you sat down.

You sat in the car on your commute. You sat at your desk for 8 hours. You sat on the couch to watch your favorite show. You sat to eat dinner.

And you’re wondering why the scale isn’t moving.

The fitness industry has sold us on the idea that the only movement that matters is the grueling, scheduled, 60-minute “official workout.” But the science is clear: that one hour can be easily sabotaged by the other 23 hours of your day.

What if the real key to a lean, energetic body isn’t found in that one hour of pain, but in all the tiny movements you make throughout the day?

Welcome to the Invisible Workout.

The Fat-Burning Metric No One Talks About

In the scientific community, it’s known as NEAT, or Non-Exercise Activity Thermogenesis.

NEAT is the energy expended for everything we do that is not sleeping, eating, or sports-like exercise. It’s the energy we burn by simply living our lives.

• Pacing while on a phone call
• Tapping your foot while you work
• Walking to the mailroom
• Carrying groceries
• Fidgeting

It sounds trivial. It’s not. The caloric difference between a person with high NEAT and a person with low NEAT can be staggering. Seminal research on NEAT, led by Dr. James A. Levine at the Mayo Clinic, found that the variation in daily energy expenditure from NEAT between individuals can be as high as 2,000 calories per day (1).

For the average person currently living a sedentary lifestyle, consciously optimizing your Invisible Workout can realistically add up to an extra 300-800 calories burned per day.

Think about that. That’s the equivalent of a 5-mile run, but instead of pounding the pavement, you just integrated more movement into your existing routine. This is the single biggest hack for breaking through a weight loss plateau.

Your 1-Hour Workout Can’t Outrun an 8-Hour Chair

Let’s visualize it. Your “official workout” is like a single, big log you throw on a fire. It burns hot and bright for an hour.

Your “Invisible Workout” (NEAT) is the slow, constant smolder that keeps the fire burning all day and all night long.

Which one do you think burns more total fuel over 24 hours? For most of us, it’s the smolder.

In fact, research is frighteningly clear on this point. Studies published in top-tier journals like The Lancet have shown that high amounts of daily sitting time are associated with an increased risk of mortality, even if you get your 30-60 minutes of daily exercise (2). Your workout is vital, but it cannot fully undo the damage of being sedentary.

10 Micro-Hacks to Activate Your ‘Invisible Workout’ Today

You don’t need more time or more gym memberships. You just need to weave more movement into the life you already have.

1. The “Walk & Talk” Rule: Never take a phone call sitting down again. Whether it’s for work or family, pace around your room or walk outside. A 30-minute call can easily add 2,000 steps.
2. Become a Water Cooler Wanderer: Deliberately place your water bottle far away from your desk. Every time you need a sip, you’re forced into a short walk. This simple habit breaks up long periods of sitting.
3. The “Commercial Break Commando”: Watching a show? The rule is you’re not allowed to sit during commercials. Do jumping jacks, walk in place, do pushups against the couch, or just tidy up the room.
4. Park in the “Fitness Zone”: Stop hunting for the closest parking spot. Intentionally park at the far end of the lot. Those extra steps, multiple times a day, add up massively over a year.
5. Carry, Don’t Cart: Grabbing just a few things at the grocery store? Ditch the cart and use a basket. This turns a simple chore into a functional loaded carry, engaging your core and upper body.
6. The 2-Minute Chore Sprint: Set a timer for 2 minutes every hour you’re at home. In that time, do a small chore as fast as you can: wipe counters, put away dishes, vacuum one room. It elevates your heart rate and keeps your house clean.
7. Take the Long Way: Whether you’re in the office or at the mall, never take the most direct route to the bathroom or exit. Weave through an extra aisle. Your metabolism benefits from every extra step.
8. Embrace Fidgeting: The impulse to fidget is your body’s natural way of burning off excess energy. Studies have directly linked fidgeting to higher daily energy expenditure (3). So, tap your feet, bounce your knee, or use a standing desk and shift your weight often.
9. The “One-Trip” Unload: When bringing in groceries from the car, try to carry as much as you safely can in one trip. This turns a simple task into a full-body strength and endurance challenge.
10. Set a “Stand-Up” Trigger: Choose a common daily event (like receiving an email from your boss, or your phone buzzing) as your cue to immediately stand up for 60 seconds.

The Takeaway

This isn’t about ditching your gym routine. That one hour is great for your heart, your strength, and your mental health.

This is about fixing the other 23 hours.

Don’t let a sedentary day erase your hard work. By turning your daily life into your workout, you are tapping into a powerful, scientifically-validated mechanism for energy expenditure that doesn’t rely on willpower or motivation.

Your Challenge: Pick just three of these hacks and do them for one week. Don’t change anything else. See how you feel—and what the scale says—in seven days.

Drop a comment below: Which hack are you going to try first?

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References:

1. Levine, J. A. (2002). Non-exercise activity thermogenesis (NEAT). Best Practice & Research Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism, 16(4), 679-702.
2. Ekelund, U., Steene-Johannessen, J., Brown, W. J., Fagerland, M. W., Owen, N., Powell, K. E., … & Lee, I. M. (2016). Does physical activity attenuate, or even eliminate, the detrimental association of sitting time with mortality? A harmonised meta-analysis of data from more than 1 million men and women. The Lancet, 388(10051), 1302-1310.
3. Levine, J. A., & Lanningham-Foster, L. M. (2005). The role of nonexercise activity thermogenesis in obesity. In Endotext. MDText.com, Inc.

Most of what you experience leaves no trace in your memory. Learning new information often requires a lot of effort and repetition – picture studying for a tough exam or mastering the tasks of a new job. It’s easy to forget what you’ve learned, and recalling details of the past can sometimes be challenging.

But some past experiences can keep haunting you for years. Life-threatening events – things like getting mugged or escaping from a fire – can be impossible to forget, even if you make every possible effort. Recent developments in the Supreme Court nomination hearings and the associated #WhyIDidntReport action on social media have rattled the public and raised questions about the nature, role and impact of these kinds of traumatic memories.

Leaving politics aside, what do psychiatrists and neuroscientists like me understand about how past traumas can remain present and persistent in our lives through memories?

Bodies Respond Automatically to Threat

Imagine facing extreme danger, such as being held at gunpoint. Right away, your heart rate increases. Your arteries constrict, directing more blood to your muscles, which tense up in preparation for a possible life-or-death struggle. Perspiration increases, to cool you down and improve gripping capability on palms and feet for added traction for escape. In some situations, when the threat is overwhelming, you may freeze and be unable to move.

Threat responses are often accompanied by a range of sensations and feelings. Senses may sharpen, contributing to amplified detection and response to threat. You may experience tingling or numbness in your limbs, as well as shortness of breath, chest pain, feelings of weakness, fainting or dizziness. Your thoughts may be racing or, conversely, you may experience a lack of thoughts and feel detached from reality. Terror, panic, helplessness, lack of control or chaos may take over.

These reactions are automatic and cannot be stopped once they’re initiated, regardless of later feelings of guilt or shame about a lack of fight or flight.

Brains Have Two Routes to Respond to Danger

Biological research over the past few decades has made significant progress in understanding how the brain responds to threat. Defense responses are controlled by neural systems that human beings have inherited from our distant evolutionary ancestors.

One of the key players is the amygdala, a structure located deep in the medial temporal lobe, one on each side of the brain. It processes sensory threat information and sends outputs to other brain sites, such as the hypothalamus, which is responsible for the release of stress hormones, or brain stem areas, which control levels of alertness and automatic behaviors, including immobility or freezing.

Research in animals and more recently in people suggests the existence of two possible routes by which the amygdala receives sensory information. The first route, called the low road, provides the amygdala with a rapid, but imprecise, signal from the sensory thalamus. This circuit is believed to be responsible for the immediate, unconscious responses to threat.

The high road is routed through the cortical sensory areas and delivers more complex and detailed representations of threat to the amygdala. Researchers believe the high road is involved in processing the aspects of threats of which a person is consciously aware.

The two-roads model explains how responses to a threat can be initiated even before you become consciously aware of it. The amygdala is interconnected with a network of brain areas, including the hippocampus, the prefrontal cortex and others, all of which process different aspects of defense behaviors. For example, you hear a loud, sharp bang and you momentarily freeze – this would be a low road-initiated response. You notice somebody with a gun, immediately scan your surroundings to locate a hiding spot and escape route – these actions wouldn’t be possible without the high road being involved.

Two Kinds of Memories

Traumatic memories are intensely powerful and come in two varieties.

When people talk about memories, most of the time we refer to conscious or explicit memories. However, the brain is capable of encoding distinct memories in parallel for the same event – some of them explicit and some implicit or unconscious.

An experimental example of implicit memories is threat conditioning. In the lab, a harmful stimulus such as an electric shock, which triggers innate threat responses, is paired with a neutral stimulus, such as an image, sound or smell. The brain forms a strong association between the neutral stimulus and the threat response. Now this image, sound or smell acquires the ability to initiate automatic unconscious threat reactions – in the absence of the electric shock.

It’s like Pavlov’s dogs salivating when they hear the dinner bell, but these conditioned threat responses are typically formed after a single pairing between the actual threatening or harmful stimulus and a neutral stimulus, and last for life. Not surprisingly, they support survival. For example, after getting burned on a hot stove, a child will likely steer clear of the stove in order to avoid the harmful heat and pain.

Studies show that the amygdala is critical for encoding and storing associations between a harmful and neutral stimuli, and that stress hormones and mediators – such as cortisol and norepinephrine – play an important role in the formation of threat associations.

Researchers believe traumatic memories are a kind of conditioned threat response. For the survivor of a bike accident, the sight of a fast approaching truck resembling the one that crashed into them may cause the heart to race and skin to sweat. For the survivor of a sexual assault, the sight of the perpetrator or someone who looks similar may cause trembling, a feeling of hopelessness and an urge to hide, run away or fight. These responses are initiated regardless of whether they come with conscious recollections of trauma.

Conscious memories of trauma are encoded by various sites in the brain which process different aspects of experience. Explicit memories of trauma reflect the terror of the original experience and may be less organized than memories acquired under less stressful conditions. Typically they’re more vivid, more intense and more persistent.

After the Memories are Made

Memories are biological phenomena and as such are dynamic. Exposure to cues that trigger the recall or retrieval of traumatic memories activates the neural systems that are storing the memories. This includes electrical activation of the neural circuits, as well as underlying intracellular processes.

Reactivated memories are susceptible to modification. The character and direction of this modification depends on the circumstances of the person recalling the memory. Retrieval of implicit or explicit traumatic memories is usually associated with high levels of stress. Stress hormones act on the activated brain circuits and may strengthen the original memory for trauma through a phenomenon known as memory reconsolidation.

There are clinical strategies to help people heal from emotional trauma. One critical factor is the sense of safety. Retrieval of traumatic memories under safe conditions when levels of stress are relatively low and under control enables the individual to update or reorganize the trauma experience. It’s possible to link the trauma to other experiences and diminish its destructive impact. Psychologists call this post-traumatic growth.

It is an ethical imperative to consider the circumstances under which traumatic memories are recalled, whether in the course of therapy, during police investigations, court hearings or public testimonies. Recalling trauma may be a part of the healing process or may lead to re-traumatization, persistence and continued detrimental effects from traumatic memories

1. Jacek DebiecAssistant Professor / Department of Psychiatry; Assistant Research Professor / Molecular & Behavioral Neuroscience Institute, University of Michigan

Building self-confidence is a transformative journey that profoundly influences your mental health, self-esteem, social interactions, and overall well-being. Feeling confident empowers you to embrace new challenges, foster healthy relationships, and achieve your aspirations.

Yet, for many, low self-confidence acts as a formidable obstacle, fostering self-doubt and undermining self-efficacy. If you’re on a quest to enhance your self-confidence and cultivate a robust self-esteem, you’ve found your starting line.

This guide will navigate you through effective strategies to bolster your confidence and self-assurance, paving the way for a more rewarding life.

Self-confidence transcends mere self-perception; it shapes your interactions with others and your approach to the world. It’s a cornerstone of your personality, social life, and performance in various life domains. By integrating simple yet impactful self-help techniques into your daily life, you can commence the journey to heightened self-confidence and improved mental health.

We will delve into the top hacks to elevate your confidence, ranging from fostering a positive self-dialogue to consistently challenging yourself.

1. Cultivate a Positive Self-Dialogue

Practice Positive Self-Talk

Cultivating a positive self-dialogue is an essential step in building self-confidence. Positive self-talk involves replacing negative and critical inner voices with supportive and encouraging ones. This practice can significantly impact your mental health, self-esteem, and overall confidence.

To start, become aware of your inner dialogue and identify instances of negative self-talk. Ask yourself if you would speak to a friend in the same critical manner you sometimes use with yourself.

If not, it’s time to make a change.

One effective strategy is to challenge and replace negative thoughts with positive or neutral ones. For example, if you think, “I won’t be able to cope with this situation,” reframe it as “I am coping quite well, given everything else that is going on. This situation is stressful, but it will pass.”.

Positive affirmations can also be a powerful tool. Repeat positive statements to yourself, such as “I am doing well,” or “I am capable of handling this challenge.” These affirmations can help shift your mindset to a more optimistic and supportive one. Additionally, surround yourself with positive influences, including people and media, to reinforce this positive self-talk.

Embrace Your Strengths

Embracing your strengths is another key aspect of cultivating a positive self-dialogue. Recognizing and acknowledging your strengths can boost your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Make a conscious effort to identify what you are good at and what you have achieved. Accept compliments graciously and reflect on them positively.

This helps to reinforce a positive self-image and encourages you to build on your strengths rather than focusing on your weaknesses.

Practicing gratitude is also beneficial. Focus on the things you are grateful for, which can help shift your attention from negative thoughts to positive ones.

Keeping a gratitude journal or simply taking a moment each day to reflect on the good things in your life can make a significant difference in how you feel about yourself and your abilities.

By combining the practice of positive self-talk with an emphasis on your strengths, you can create a more supportive and encouraging inner dialogue. This will help you feel more confident, motivated, and capable of tackling the challenges that come your way.

2. Set Achievable Goals

Breaking It Down

Setting achievable goals is a fundamental step in building self-confidence. When goals are too broad or unrealistic, they can lead to frustration and disappointment, which can further erode your self-confidence. To avoid this, it’s essential to break down larger goals into smaller, manageable tasks.

This approach makes the goal-setting process less overwhelming and more achievable.

Using the SMART goal framework can be highly effective. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound. For example, if your goal is to improve your physical health, a SMART goal might be: “I will engage in a 30-minute walk, three times a week, for the next six weeks.” This goal is clear, measurable, achievable, relevant to your health, and has a specific timeframe.

Breaking down goals also helps in identifying and leveraging your strengths and weaknesses. By understanding your core values and inherent strengths, you can align your goals in a way that maximizes your chances of success. Additionally, being honest about your weaknesses allows you to plan around potential pitfalls, which can further boost your self-confidence and self-respect.

Celebrate Small Victories

Celebrating small victories is essential for maintaining motivation and building self-confidence. Achieving smaller goals releases a sense of accomplishment and boosts your self-esteem. Each completed goal serves as proof of your capability, chipping away at negative self-beliefs and reinforcing the idea that you are competent and capable.

Recognizing and celebrating these small wins helps to create a positive feedback loop. As you achieve each goal, you build momentum and confidence, which in turn motivates you to set and achieve even more challenging goals. This cycle of achievement and celebration reinforces your self-confidence, making it easier to tackle larger and more complex goals over time.

Moreover, celebrating small victories helps shift your focus away from perceived flaws and toward your strengths and abilities. This positive focus enhances your overall self-image and encourages you to continue striving for improvement and growth.

3. Challenge Yourself Regularly

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Challenging yourself regularly is a powerful way to build self-confidence and boost your self-esteem. One of the most effective methods to achieve this is by stepping out of your comfort zone.

When you engage in activities that push you beyond what you are accustomed to, you demonstrate to yourself that you are capable of more than you thought possible.

Simple acts like trying a new recipe, taking yourself to a coffee shop or lunch alone, or starting a conversation with a stranger can be significant steps. These small challenges help you realize that you can handle situations that initially seem daunting, thereby increasing your confidence and self-assurance.

For instance, taking on a task that makes you feel nervous, such as public speaking or acting in front of an audience, can be incredibly empowering. Even if it feels uncomfortable at first, the sense of accomplishment you feel after overcoming your fear can be transformative.

It teaches you that stress and challenges are opportunities for growth rather than threats to your well-being.

Learn New Skills

Learning new skills is another excellent way to challenge yourself and enhance your self-confidence. Engaging in activities that expand your horizons, such as learning a new language, taking a dance class, or mastering a new hobby, can significantly boost your self-esteem.

When you embark on learning something new, you are not only acquiring a new skill but also proving to yourself that you are capable of learning and adapting. This process reinforces your self-efficacy and makes you more confident in your ability to tackle new challenges. Reflecting on past successes, such as times when you learned a new skill, can also remind you of your capabilities and reinforce your self-worth.

Moreover, the act of learning itself can be highly rewarding. It keeps your mind engaged, provides a sense of accomplishment, and opens up new opportunities.

Whether it’s through online courses, workshops, or self-study, the process of learning new skills is a continuous reminder of your potential and capabilities, further enhancing your self-confidence and overall mental health.

Conclusion

In conclusion, building self-confidence is a journey that requires consistent effort and a positive mindset. To summarize, cultivating a positive self-dialogue through positive self-talk and embracing your strengths is essential. Setting achievable goals and celebrating small victories helps to build momentum and reinforce your capabilities.

Challenging yourself regularly by stepping out of your comfort zone and learning new skills can significantly boost your self-confidence and self-esteem.

Remember to practice self-care, build positive relationships, and work on a growth mindset to support your confidence journey. Acknowledge your achievements, speak positively to yourself, and minimize negative thoughts. By incorporating these strategies into your daily life, you can develop a healthier self-image, improve your mental health, and live a more confident and fulfilling life.

Take the first step today, and watch your self-confidence grow over time

THE BASICS

• What Is Stress?
• Take our Burnout Test
• Find a therapist to overcome stress

Key points:

• Music interventions are very easy and inexpensive to integrate in both our daily lives and in medical settings.
• Research shows that listening to music can have a significant effect on alleviating anxiety and stress.
• Non-lyrical music with a slow tempo is one of the most effective music interventions for stress reduction.

Listening to music is an appealing alternative intervention for stress and anxiety as it is accessible, inexpensive, and easy to include in daily life. Listening to and making music have been associated with a broad range of positive health outcomes. Listening to music can decrease cortisol levels, increase serotonin levels, and activate the brain areas involved in reward.

For example, in medical settings, listening to relaxing music before, during, and after medical procedures has been reported to correlate with lower cortisol levels. There exists some evidence to support the anxiety-reducing effect of background music on patients awaiting clinical encounters.

Here are six ways that music seems to reduce anxiety and stress.

1. The Relaxing Effect of Tempo

Music tempo can be considered one of the most important factors. Research has shown that listening to slow-tempo and low-pitch music can calm people down during stressful situations. For example, music with a slow tempo (60–80 bpm), such as meditative music or mellow jazz, has often been associated with relaxation. Music with a slow, steady rhythm provides stress reduction by altering body rhythms, such as heart rate.

2. Music without Lyrics

Music without lyrics usually works best. The use of instrumental music, instead of music with lyrics, often leads to greater effects of music interventions on stress reduction. Music containing lyrics may be more distracting instead of calming.

3. Music as a Distraction Strategy

Music provides a means of escape. Listening to music can provide a “distraction” from stress-increasing thoughts or feelings. Music as a distractor can divert attention from a stressful event to something more pleasant, which reduces stress levels. So, listening to music that alters mood via shifting thought patterns may have a long-lasting effect.

4. Music Triggers Pleasure

Music has a strong connection to feelings of pleasure. Engaging with music can trigger the same biological and psychological responses associated with other highly fundamental rewards, such as food, sex, and money. Music experienced as pleasant increases positive emotion, which has a stress-reducing effect.

5. Social Connection

Listening to music in the presence of others may strengthen the stress-reducing effect of the music intervention. Music facilitates social connection and bonding. Group music-making or singing together may result in social bonding, which may be explained by the release of the neurotransmitters endorphin and oxytocin.

6. Your preference matters

Source: Anna Shvets/Pexels

Research suggests that having a choice of what to listen to shows more beneficial effects than music chosen by someone else. When, for some reason, the chosen music is not suitable for the situation, it can lead to undesired mood shifts or worsening of negative mood. For example, if you don’t care for rock, it could have the opposite effect.

Overall, research suggests that listening to music plays an important role in reducing anxiety and stress. And some evidence suggests that it may do so more effectively than anti-anxiety drugs. A key benefit of such interventions is that, unlike interventions involving the creation of music, they do not require any specialist knowledge, equipment, or ability. Furthermore, music listening can be flexibly self-administered. However, the effectiveness of music in reducing stress is highly dependent on the individual’s preference and familiarity with the music.

About the Author

Shahram Heshmat, Ph.D., is an associate professor emeritus of health economics of addiction at the University of Illinois at Springfield.

Online:

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