It often comes as a shock to people who have children with pathological narcissists how easily some of them abandon their children.
Many narcissistic parents have an emotionally immature worldview. They see the world in terms of “good” or “bad”, “black” and “white”, “wrong” or “right.” Unfortunately, this extends to how they see their family, even their children.
While narcissists perceive themselves as superior to all and sundry, they have suffer from a painfully fragile ego that is susceptible to a never ending barrage of real and imagined narcissists injuries.
This warped view of reality is part of what makes them high conflict individuals. They are prone to objectifying and dehumanizing other people and their children are no exception.
Narcissists typically come from family units with power imbalances, rampant denial, low empathy, little to no boundaries and a lack of justice. These structures are centered on a…
In a narcissistic family, there will be a lot of coercive and controlling behaviors. Beneath the façade, anger, hypocrisy, envy, and betrayal contaminate the ecosystem. The toxicity between the caregivers usually trickles down to their children.
Many partners experience immediate regret when they step outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. Whether due to a situational lapse of judgment or giving into temptation in a setting they should have avoided, such as a bachelor’s party or single’s bar, they wish they had thought things through. But some instances of infidelity are planned and pursued.
Dylan Selterman et al. (2023), in an article entitled “No Remorse,”[iv] studied motivations and post-affair experiences of a sample of mostly married men using Ashley Madison, a now infamous website designed to facilitate infidelity. Their sample was comprised of a mostly married middle-aged adult population, 84%-90% men. Unlike people who “fall into” affairs through compromising situations, Ashley Madison users invested money, time, and energy into pursuing infidelity.
Selterman et al. note their results suggest that contrary to expectations, affair experiences may be counterintuitive and potentially self-contradictory. Cheaters may love their primary partners but also experience significant pleasure in their affairs, with little regret. In fact, they even found that some participants seeking affairs also were actively seeking to improve their primary relationships, such as attending marital counseling. Study participants also expressed feeling good about themselves and their satisfaction with life—both factors which Selterman et al. note would seem to reduce the likelihood of seeking an affair. They also note that the lack of association between relationship quality and having affairs may indicate that cheating may be motivated by factors such as a desire for variety and self-esteem rather than from relational deficits in a marriage or partnership.
Recognizing Infidelity Without Regret or Remorse
Contrary to what many people would expect, straying partners in the research conducted by Selterman et al. experienced low levels of moral regret. As a practical matter, lack of remorse would explain a lack of behaviors associated with regret, which could make it harder to detect infidelity.
In many relationships, cheating partners behave differently, raising suspicions among spouses, close friends, and family. Not all cheating spouses run out to buy a flashy new sports car or start dressing like they are going to a nightclub. Many straying partners, especially with children in the home, appear distracted, moody, or irritable—as they struggle with cognitive dissonance. Because infidelity usually involves feelings of guilt, changes in affect and behavior can be transparent predictors of extra-relational activity. But for a spouse who does not experience remorse or regret, there may be no changes in the daily routine in terms of emotion or mood. An affair is more likely detected by time spent in secret—whether out of the house or in front of the computer screen. Because even without behavior change, secrets breed suspicion.
article continues after advertisement
When an affair is discovered, the lack of remorseful behavior can be heartbreaking for the innocent partner, adding insult to injury. How could they have seen it coming? In many cases, through examining history.
History Repeats Itself
If someone has been unfaithful in the past, prospective paramours are wise to worry he or she will be unfaithful in the future. The research by Selterman et al. demonstrates this can be true even for people who don’t have anything negative to say about past relational partners. If motives for straying are not tied to relational dissatisfaction, it is wise to remain attentive to other red flags such as time spent in the company of relational alternatives, whether in person or online.
The goal is to select a partner who both talks the talk and walks the walk in terms of commitment. This foundation can best be explored through a healthy process of relationship building over time, testing both compatibility and trust. Especially for people getting over a breakup, resisting the temptation to rush into a new relationship affords the opportunity to build a slow and steady alliance of love, faithfulness, and respect.
[iv] Selterman, Dylan, Samantha Joel, and Victoria Dale. 2023. “No Remorse: Sexual Infidelity Is Not Clearly Linked with Relationship Satisfaction or Well-Being in Ashley Madison Users.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, April. doi:10.1007/s10508-023-02573-y. the sting of infidelity without remorse.
Printed with permission
Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.
I want to talk about an important psychological aspect to fitness and its impact on outcomes. This will also hold true for anything you will do in your life that you are working towards in terms of reaching your fitness goals – or any goals. It’s important for business owners and educators. Literally everyone! It’s called trust. And the claim I am going to make is that low trust environments have low rates of investment.
What is Trust?
In a 1995 study (Meyers et.al) published their model of trust and how it impacts outcomes. Trust, when able to overcome risk perception, resulted in risk taking. Only risk taking can lead to an outcome. But, way back at the very opposite end of the journey towards an intended outcome, before trust, are three components that combine to form trust. If these are not in place, or if they change at any point before the outcome, then trust is broken and the model collapses.
These Three Elements of Trust are:
Perceived ability
Perceived integrity
Perceived benevolence
Let’s take these one by one and relate them to fitness or life in general.
Ability
First up is perceived ability. You decide that you have been ignoring your doctor for too long. Your BMI is too high, your waist circumference is out of healthy ranges and your bloodwork is a mess. So you decide that you are going to hire a personal trainer. You go along to your first few sessions and it becomes clear that your trainer has a great love for Olympic Weightlifting. So, they are giving you a lot of positional work. Because you lack the mobility to get into positions and lacking the prerequisite strength, you are just working with a plastic pipe or broomstick. It’s fun and you feel like you are learning a new skill. But, after a month of doing this, although your positions are getting better, your bodyweight has not changed and neither has your waist circumference. You begin to think that weightlifting is not helping you reach your goals. You chat to the trainer and they are adamant that you need to stick with the program. Another month goes by and things have started to change, but its very marginal. You now start missing sessions, eventually you stop going altogether.
I will relate a personal story here also. In 2022, I was going to an adult gymnastics class. I wanted to improve my core strength, my balance and my upper body pulling capacity. I also wanted to learn new skills like aerials (hands free cartwheels) and handstand walking. I loved it. I could not have spoken more highly of this club. Until one day when a small group of cheerleaders joined. These were 4 young ladies, about 19 years of age and aside from perhaps having been attractive, they were also already pretty great at the gymnastics skills. The same day they appeared, I was there for 2 hours and the coach didn’t even speak to me once. He spent the whole class fawning over these girls. Which didn’t go unnoticed by me. The following week, I went and I had to help out an older lady, who was being ignored and yet again, I got no coaching in the 2 hours. Guess what happened the following week? I stayed at home and I never went back. Why? Perceived ability was broken.
If you begin to doubt that for whatever reason, be it knowledge or be it their application and attentiveness, that a coach or a business can not help you reach the intended outcome, then it’s over.
Think about a training plan, many people jump from training plan to training plan. Why? They don’t see the results they want from the plan. No one sees results and then abandons what is going on. This is why deciding on and being clear about your goals is super important. If your course of action doesn’t meet the objective, then you wont ever stick to it because trust in the course of action will be broken before any objectives can be met.
Integrity
Next is perceived integrity. This one can be a little more difficult to understand, because its less objective for most people. Integrity is the belief that a business or person is operating under an ethical framework, doing what is ‘right’ and being honest. For some people, this might relate to last week’s episode, where one may choose to go to a gym or do business with a company that aligns with environmental values. I know a guy who runs a gym in Southern California and his gym account on Instagram and his own account are the same thing and he floods it with conspiracies and memes about Covid. This is interesting because on one hand, this may, for some, demonstrate great integrity, because he is unapologetically himself. But for others, who may not share those values and ideas, this would be a red flag for doing business. For me, if you are a science denier, I couldn’t trust you to use science to write me a program and understand how energy systems work. Or that in a pandemic, you would show any duty of care towards your members by following cleaning protocols.
Integrity, therefore can be more challenging to define, because ethics are more difficult. For some, they will follow utilitarianism, which is where what is ethical is what provides the most people with the most happiness, which contrasts with Kantian ethics, where what is good is what any reasonable person would say is good and doesn’t have any one person happiness attached to it. Also, the philosophy of ethics is very complex, so please dont take my two sentence description of ethics there as all there is to know about that. Basically choose a plan, a gym, a business owner that aligns with your moral compass and that shows consistency. If someone chops and changes all the time, perhaps they lack integrity and conviction. This would also break trust. Imagine one week my gym is telling you HIIT training is life and the next, I’m all about sustainable aerobic work. Trust is broken.
Benevolence
Finally is perceived benevolence. Does this person, this gym owner, this coach or this organization care about me above and beyond the fact I pay them? They show care and they show concern.
When I moved to a new city, I joined a new judo club. I ended up just getting a freak injury. I mean, if you do judo or wrestling you’ll know that injuries are kind par for the course, but anyway, I ended up in hospital, getting an MRI and had my right arm in a sling for weeks. Even now, over 18 months later, I am still having minor issues.
Anyway, after I was injured in the class, guess what? Not a single person ever reached out to me. The coaches, the owner, no one. So, I paid money to go train, I was injured by someone in the class, ended up in hospital and no one called or emailed me to check how I was. Back to the gymnastic class example: guess what happened when I was able to train again? Yup…it was not that gym I went to train in. Why would I go train with anyone that never misses taking a payment out my bank account, but when I nearly get my arm ripped out the socket, its radio silence on their end? Benevolence was missing, trust was broken and therefore I never went back.
What Builds Trust?
Successful outcomes (both for clients and for businesses) depend on trust being maintained long enough for initial risk (time, monetary investment) to be overcome and the end goal to be met. If at any point on the road towards the intended outcome, trust is broken either by a lack of ability, a lack of integrity or a lack of benevolence, then you will be unlikely to meet the end goal.
All content here is for informational purposes only. This content does not replace the professional judgment of your own health provider. Please consult a licensed health professional for all individual questions and issues.
Kevin Don is an internationally experienced fitness coach and educator. He has trained and worked with Olympians and World Champions in over ten sports. He’s taught more than 250 seminars on how to implement strength training into both sport-specific and general population scenarios and is often a source for online and print articles on functional fitness. He authored the coaches certification course in strength for the prestigious OPEX Fitness based in Scottsdale, Arizona and contributed to the Professional Youth Coaches Certification.
Abuse crosses into all segments of society, with victims of every age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, religious affiliation, and socio-economic class. However, the abuse is more likely to turn deadly for female targets. In the U.S. alone, it’s estimated that at least 20 women each week are murdered by an intimate male partner.
Beyond the observable violence that shapes these statistics, Susannah Furr, a licensed clinical mental health counselor at Now Awake Now, who specializes in helping targets of narcissistic abuse, warns that not all abusive relationships have to turn physical to be deadly…
Many times, a psychological abuser can warp someone’s reality to such an extreme that the target becomes suicidal or turns to substance abuse to cope with the pain,” Furr says, noting this can be especially concerning when the target is isolated (a situation that has become more common due to the stay-at-home orders recently enacted in many communities).
“Whether physical or emotional, abuse can be extremely dangerous,” Furr explains. “It’s important that we respond appropriately when someone reaches out to us for help.”
If we haven’t survived an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to know what to say when a friend or family member confides in us about such a serious matter. We’ve put together 10 things to say (and not to say) to help guide a loved one to safety.
(NOTE: This article explores the most common scenario, using an example of a male abuser and a female target, but it’s important to note that anyone can be abusive and anyone can become a target.)
If you suspect someone may be in an unhealthy relationship:
Don’t say, “He seems like such a nice guy. I can’t believe he’d ever do anything like that.” Instead say, “What you’re telling me is concerning. Can you tell me more?” or, if you’ve noticed signs of trouble, let her know: “I have noticed the way he talks down to you, and I’ve never understood why he doesn’t want you to go to lunch with the girls.”
Don’t say: “Nobody’s perfect. What’d you do to make him mad?” Instead say, “We all make mistakes, but there’s a big difference between hurting someone by accident versus intentionally causing someone to suffer. Does he treat anyone else this way or just you? Does he behave that way in front of other people or just behind closed doors? Has he ever damaged his own belongings or just yours?”
Don’t say: “It takes two to argue.” Instead say, “It takes two to make a relationship work. What happens when you disagree? Does he threaten you? Has he hit, kicked, pushed, or choked you? Has he ever thrown anything at you, pulled your hair, threatened you with a weapon, or made you fear for your life? Has he ever road raged while you’re in the car with him? Has he ever hurt your pets or your children? Are you afraid of him?”
Don’t say: “Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do about it?” Instead say, “I may not know exactly how to help you, but we’ll figure it out together. Maybe we should call The Hotline and get some advice. Let’s use my phone, just to be safe.”
Don’t say: “Love counts no wrongs. You need to forgive and forget.” Instead say, “Forgiveness is important, but right now you need to focus on safety. You can forgive someone and even love someone from afar, all while keeping yourself safe from abuse.”
Don’t say: “God hates divorce.” Instead say, “I know it can be hard, especially in certain religious circles, to consider leaving your marriage. But your vows were broken when your husband chose to betray, abuse, and dishonor you. If he’s unwilling to work with you to save the marriage, then divorce is simply a legal way to acknowledge what he’s already done.”
Don’t say: “The past is the past. Can’t you just let it go?” Instead say, “Have there been any other incidents when you were afraid of him? How often does this happen? Is there anything that seems to keep the peace, or do you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells?”
Don’t say: “You should see a therapist.” Instead say, “I’ll do my best to help you work through this and together we can find the right resources to help us.”
Don’t say: “It can’t be that bad? If it is, then why don’t you just leave?” Instead say, “It must be incredibly difficult to know what to do. I know you love your partner, and I know it’s your nature to forgive and to find the good. I also know family is everything to you, and the wellbeing of your children is your top priority. Let’s try to picture what it would look like if you were able to leave. Can we put a plan into place, just in case it ever gets that bad?”
Don’t say: “Men will be men. He loves you deep down. He can’t help it. Everybody has a temper.” Instead say, “The truth is, there’s a big difference between unhealthy and healthy relationships, and we can’t make excuses for people’s abusive behaviors. Would you ever treat anyone the way he treats you? The world is full of healthy, mature, kindhearted men who would do anything to protect their families, not harm them. They communicate with words, not violence, and they’re secure enough to trust their partners, not control them. Let’s look at this chart that outlines the signs of domestic violence.”
In many cases, an abused target may not realize she’s in an unhealthy relationship, especially if it’s the only relationship she’s ever known.
“If she’s confiding in you, she may be trying to gauge whether or not she has reasons for real concern,” Furr says. “By compassionately asking the right questions, you can help her reason through to the truth of her situation. And by listening with an open heart, you can help her understand that no one deserves to be abused.”
Finally, tell her the abuse is not her fault and that you’ll help her through this long and painful journey. Then, stick with her. You may be the only one who does.
Positively responding to partner stress is valuable, particularly early in a relationship.
Caring about a partner’s well-being signals caring, empathy, and relational investment.
Partners who feel supported perceive higher relational quality.
Source: Image by Kiều Trường from Pixabay
Some couples are uniquely in tune with each other’s stress. Able to read each other like a mood ring, they are well-equipped to respond to negative emotion in a positive way—whether that’s offering affirmation, validation, or unconditional love. Research reveals the value of responding to a partner’s stressors—particularly early in the relationship.
Emre Selcuk et al. (2024) explored the benefit of affective response to partner stress in a piece entitled “My Partner Really Gets Me.” [i] They define affective reactivity as a personal increase in negative affect triggered by stressors suffered daily and note that it is associated with personal well-being.
Heightened affective reactivity has been linked with positive and negative health outcomes. Selcuk et al. acknowledge these outcomes include reduced psychological well-being, heightened risk of mortality, and an increased likelihood of affective disorders. Specific to their research, they note that recent studies have found greater affective reactivity to be associated with impaired relationship quality. Selcuk et al. sought to explore how the response of a partner could impact these outcomes.
Reacting to Partner Stress
Unlike prior research into the intrapersonal aspect of affective reactivity, Selcuk et al. focused on reactivity to partner stress, defined as “increases in negative affect in response to daily hassles experienced by one’s romantic partner.” They predicted that affective reactivity to partner stress would improve relationship quality as a sign of responsiveness through validation, understanding, and caring, reflecting an investment in understanding what a partner is experiencing and enhancing the partner’s assessment of relational quality.
Yet even within quality relationships, things change over time.
Building a Strong Foundation: New Romance
Selcuk et al. found a difference between the effectiveness of affective response in new couples compared to established couples. In fledgling couples, reactivity to partner stress positively predicted relationship quality, mediated by the partner’s perception of responsiveness. They also found that reactivity to partner stress helped to prevent a decline in relational quality over eight weeks in one study, and 13 months in another.
For the couples they studied, Selcuk et al. found that in terms of impact on relational quality, reactivity to partner stress diminished in the later stages of romantic relationships. For established couples, this reactivity did not directly impact relational quality over time. Selcuk et al. summarize their findings as a pattern of relational benefits in terms of well-being that appears to specifically benefit fledgling relationships.
article continues after advertisement
Sharing the Load: In Good Times and Bad
It is easy to enjoy the throes of romance within a relationship based on happiness, laughter, comfort, and ease. Introduce stress, however, and the dynamic shifts.
Selcuk et al. measured how partners perceived the impact of stress through recorded weekly perceptions of relationship quality. Although relationship quality declined on average over the eight weeks, persons with partners who exhibited higher reactivity to partner stress did not experience these declines. They note that these associations were, however, important for the impact of affective reactivity on one’s own stress.
Apparently, new partners have an opportunity to construct a solid foundation on which to build quality romantic relationships based on love, respect, and support through the way they respond to partner stress. Providing an environment of acceptance, empathy, and understanding can enhance relational quality in the short term and be a way of investing in relational quality in the future.
[i] Selcuk, Emre, Gul Gunaydin, Esra Ascigil, Deniz Bayraktaroglu, and Anthony D. Ong. 2024. “My Partner Really Gets Me: Affective Reactivity to Partner Stress Predicts Greater Relationship Quality in New Couples.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 126 (5): 895–912. doi:10.1037/pspp0000509.
There are many effective strategies to reduce your grocery costs. Here are some of the best hacks, from planning ahead to smart shopping habits:
1. Master Your Meal Planning and Lists
Plan your meals: Before you shop, plan your meals for the week.1 This ensures you only buy what you need and helps you use up ingredients you already have.2
Shop your pantry first: Check your fridge, freezer, and pantry to see what ingredients you already have.3 Build your meal plan around those items to avoid buying duplicates and reduce food waste.4
Make a list and stick to it: A detailed shopping list helps prevent impulse buys.5 Use a physical list or a digital app that can be shared with family members and even organize items by aisle for efficiency.
Never shop hungry: This is a golden rule for a reason. Shopping on an empty stomach makes you more likely to throw extra items into your cart.6
2. Shop Smarter and Strategically
Look for sales and deals: Check weekly flyers, store apps, and websites for special promotions.7 Plan your meals around what’s on sale.
Buy seasonal produce: Fruits and vegetables are cheaper when they are in season because they are more readily available.8
Compare unit prices: Don’t just look at the total price. Check the unit price (e.g., per ounce or pound) to see if a larger package is truly a better deal.
Buy generic or store brands: Many store-brand items are made by the same companies as their name-brand counterparts but cost significantly less.9
Shop the perimeter of the store: The freshest, most essential foods like produce, dairy, and meat are usually on the outer aisles. The center aisles often contain more processed, expensive foods.
Look on the top and bottom shelves: Grocery stores often place the most expensive items at eye level.10 Scan the shelves above and below to find cheaper alternatives.
Shop at different stores: No single store has the best prices on everything. Consider a circuit that includes big-box stores, discount chains (like Aldi or Lidl), and local ethnic markets, which often have better prices on produce and spices.
Use loyalty programs and apps: Sign up for store loyalty cards to access member-only discounts.11 Use cash-back apps and credit cards that offer rewards on grocery purchases.
Consider a wholesale club membership: If you have a large family or can split purchases with a friend, a membership to a club like Costco or Sam’s Club can offer significant savings on bulk items.12
3. Change Your Cooking and Eating Habits
Reduce food waste: Wasted food is wasted money.13 Meal prep, use leftovers, and learn how to properly store fresh food. For example, you can freeze meat that is nearing its expiration date.
Buy whole foods: Pre-cut fruits and vegetables, shredded cheese, and prepared meals are more expensive for the convenience.14 Buy whole ingredients and do the prep work yourself.
Incorporate more plant-based proteins: Proteins like beans, lentils, and tofu are often much cheaper than meat and are great for your health and wallet.15
Make your own staples: Instead of buying pre-made items, consider making your own coffee, bread, or sauces. This can be more economical and healthier.
Buy in bulk (with caution): Bulk buying can be a huge money saver for non-perishable items you use frequently, but only if you will use it all before it goes bad.16
4. Understand When to Shop
Mid-week is often the best time for sales: Many grocery stores release their new weekly ads on Wednesday. This means that if you shop on a Wednesday, you can often “double dip” and find some items that are still on sale from the previous week’s ad, in addition to the new deals.
Look for manager markdowns: You’ll often see these stickers on meat, dairy, and produce that are close to their expiration date. These can offer significant savings and are perfect for items you plan to cook or freeze immediately.
Take advantage of holiday clearance: Stock up on deeply discounted seasonal items like candy after holidays such as Halloween and Christmas.17
Learn the sale cycles: Items often go on sale in a predictable 6-8 week cycle.18 Pay attention to the sale flyers to know when to stock up on your family’s favorite items.
You married a man who has not yet separated emotionally from his mother. How can you tell? One very obvious sign is she (mother) will be trying to control her son, you, your marriage, up close and from a distance not long after you’ve married her son.
The message to you, his wife (or lover, if you want to drop the married part) is, you can marry my son but I stay number one in his emotional life.
Can you tell there is an underlying emotional maybe physical competition going on in this message? Of course you can. It’s pretty obvious.
The problem is, your husband has not yet left his mother. You see it’s a pretty basic formula. If you don’t leave your mother you don’t have the emotional space to be truly married.
When you are truly married you are committed 100% to another woman, your wife/lover. You’ve left one woman (mom) to fully commit to another (wife/lover).
The complication from the son’s side is, not wanting to let go of his mother. Some men reach adulthood but they are not yet finished with their mothers. I would recommend to such a man that he not get married until he is ready to ‘divorce’ his mother. If my advice is heeded things could turn out OK.
The plan is, stay bonded to mom until such time that you are convinced that it is time to separate, meaning go off and commit to another woman. This other woman, your wife, in effect becomes #1 in your new life. Now you’re truly married.
And by the way, your marriage has a better chance of surviving if this more complete commitment has occurred. When your mother-in-law is still pulling the strings on her son, things can get pretty dicey especially when there is conflict between you and your husband.
You see, the mother who hangs onto her son past the time she is supposed to is expressing a certain kind of ‘narcissism.’ The narcissistic mother is trying to cure her problems within herself by hanging onto and expecting emotional things from her adult son.
There’s a certain selfish, perhaps self-indulgent quality to this. She is really only thinking of her own needs and not the needs of her son or her daughter-in-law for that matter. You can get married, but that doesn’t mean you belong to anyone but ME.
Now you have a dependent son and a narcissistic mother. Perfect fit. This co-dependent arrangement when it hits adulthood is bound to create dysfunction in both. The dysfunction often shows up the clearest in their relationships with others.
A narcissistic mother’s marriage (worse if she doesn’t have a husband) often suffers when unhealthy triangles dominate her love life. The two most common triangles are: son-mother-father and wife-son-mother.
When the narcissistic mother has dug her claws into her dependent son you can pretty much bet there are underlying marital problems in the mother’s marriage to her husband. What will often happen is the narcissistic mother and her husband get to ‘avoid’ dealing with their marital problems by getting over-involved in other activities and people. For the narcissistic mother it’s her son’s life. For her husband it might be over-work, another woman, or simply emotional withdrawal.
When the triangle consists of son-wife-mother, the narcissistic mother’s control in her son’s marriage is bound to create marital problems for him and his wife. This triangle indicates that there are two women vying for one man. This never works out well. Conflicts increase over time and allegiances are strained.
Of course this kind of emotional arrangement can get pretty complicated when her son’s wife is trying to get her mother-in-law’s ‘love.’ A lot of people are psychologically immature when they get married and try to compensate for what they didn’t get in childhood (love) now from their spouse’s family. This is quite common in contemporary marriages.
Problem is, it’s bound to be disappointing when your mother-in-law is narcissistic. Number one, she has little or nothing to give, and number two, you (wife) are the competitor (in her mind at least) for her son’s adoration and affections.
Number three, unfortunately, you can’t really make up for past love life disappointment by getting an adult person to ‘parent’ you. It’s healthier to heal the hurt as loss and learn how to make the best life for yourself with mature forms of love as an adult person.
A son’s efforts to ‘make peace’ between his wife and his mother, while walking the ‘line’ between them, is quite demanding. He’s bound to do a lot of fire fighting and repair work. If his wife is temperamental and expressive he’ll certainly have his hands full.
In my experience there’s always an underlying well of resentment in these men. Look at how much they have to pay attention to everyone else’s needs while sacrificing their own. What they don’t realize is, they have a right to a life of their own. Parenting is supposed to be a time-limited function and we are not supposed to nurture our own parents. We are supposed to put a big part of the love we have inside into our own lives.
In my experience, once sons in this trap start feeling bad and looking for a way out, this idea of having personal choice and rights has the potential of putting a pretty healthy fire in their bellies. From then on it becomes a matter of gaining personal freedom and owning your own love life.
If his marriage survives his separation from his mother (guilt), he and his wife will be able to have more of the marriage they dreamed of. And mom gets a chance to go fix her own marriage.
Dr. Thomas Jordan, clinical psychologist, author of Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life. Need help fixing your disappointing love life? Confidential Love Life Consultations available by phone, inquire at drtomjordan@lovelifelearningcenter.com.
Getting Better Sleep: A Practical Guide to Rest and Rejuvenation
Sleep is the cornerstone of good health. It’s the time when your body and brain recharge, process the day’s information, and consolidate memories (Source 5.1). Yet, in our fast-paced world, many of us struggle to get the rest we need. The good news is that adopting a few simple habits, often referred to as “sleep hygiene,” can dramatically improve your sleep quality and overall well-being.
1. The Power of Routine: Consistency is Key
Your body has an internal clock, known as the circadian rhythm, which works best when it’s kept on a consistent schedule. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day, even on weekends, helps regulate this clock and makes it easier to fall asleep and wake up feeling refreshed (Source 1.2).
Establish a Relaxing Bedtime Ritual: Dedicate the last 30 to 60 minutes before bed to a wind-down routine (Source 2.3). This could include reading a book (not on a screen!), taking a warm bath, listening to soothing music, or practicing gentle stretches. This signals to your body that it’s time to transition from wakefulness to sleep.
Avoid Stimulants: Steer clear of caffeine and nicotine, especially in the afternoon and evening, as they are stimulants that can interfere with your sleep cycle (Source 2.4).
Limit Alcohol: While alcohol may initially make you feel sleepy, it can disrupt your sleep patterns later in the night, leading to more frequent awakenings (Source 2.2).
2. Optimize Your Environment: Transform Your Bedroom into a Sanctuary
The physical space where you sleep plays a major role in how well you rest. By creating an ideal sleep environment, you can minimize distractions and encourage your body to relax.
Keep it Cool, Dark, and Quiet: Most experts agree that the ideal temperature for sleep is between 60 and 67 degrees Fahrenheit (15.6 and 19.4 degrees Celsius) (Source 3.3). Use blackout curtains or an eye mask to block out light, as darkness promotes melatonin production. Earplugs can help muffle distracting sounds (Source 3.1).
Use Soothing Sounds: While a quiet environment is often best, some people find that certain sounds help them fall asleep. A white noise machine can help mask disruptive noises like traffic or noisy neighbors. Others may prefer ambient sounds like nature sounds or calming music to create a more peaceful atmosphere (Source 3.4).
Choose the Right Bedding: Your mattress and pillows should be comfortable and supportive. A good pillow can prevent neck pain and headaches, contributing to a more restful night (Source 3.3).
Remove Screens: The blue light emitted from phones, tablets, and computers can suppress the production of melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep (Source 2.2). Make a habit of putting all electronic devices away at least an hour before bed.
3. The Role of Lifestyle: Diet and Exercise
What you do during the day has a direct impact on your ability to sleep at night. A healthy diet and regular physical activity are two of the most effective ways to promote good sleep.
Exercise Regularly: Consistent physical activity can significantly improve sleep quality and even help reduce the symptoms of sleep problems like insomnia (Source 4.1). However, be mindful of timing. Avoid intense workouts too close to bedtime, as the increase in stress hormones can make it difficult to wind down (Source 2.4).
Watch What You Eat: A balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and fiber has been linked to better sleep. Avoid heavy meals, spicy foods, and large amounts of liquid right before bed, as digestion can interfere with sleep (Source 4.3). If you’re hungry, opt for a light, healthy snack.
By integrating these practices into your daily life, you can take control of your sleep health. Getting a good night’s rest is not a luxury—it’s a necessity for your physical and mental well-being.
Self-hatred can stem from a complex mix of emotional, psychological, social, and environmental factors. Here are some of the most common causes:
The Roots and Signs of Self-Hatred
Self-hatred doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s often born from a combination of negative experiences, such as childhood trauma, emotional neglect, harsh criticism, or societal pressure to be perfect. These experiences can lead you to internalize a narrative that you are the problem, not the circumstances.
How to Overcome Self-Hatred?
Self-hatred is a deep, painful feeling of worthlessness that can dominate your thoughts and actions. It’s more than just low self-esteem; it’s a pervasive belief that you are inherently flawed, unlovable, and deserving of contempt. While it can feel isolating, it’s a common experience that can be healed with compassion and consistent effort. This guide will help you understand the roots of self-hatred, recognize its signs, and provide you with actionable steps toward building a foundation of self-compassion and self-worth.
Signs to Look For:
Constant Negative Self-Talk: This is the inner critic on overdrive, constantly pointing out flaws and mistakes. You might find yourself using phrases like “I’m so stupid,” or “I always mess everything up.”
Perfectionism and Fear of Failure: You set impossibly high standards for yourself, and any outcome short of perfect confirms your belief that you are not good enough. This often leads to procrastination or avoiding new challenges altogether.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: You may unconsciously undermine your own success or happiness, believing that you don’t deserve good things. This can show up in relationships, career choices, or personal goals.
Social Isolation:
You pull away from friends and family, convinced that they will eventually see the “real” you and reject you. This reinforces your belief that you are unworthy ofconnection.
A Path to Healing: Practical Steps
Overcoming self-hatred is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience and kindness toward yourself. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin the healing process.
Practice Self-Compassion Self-compassion is the antidote to self-hatred. It is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. When the inner critic attacks, consciously replace its words with compassionate ones. For example, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid for doing that,” try replacing it with, “That was a difficult situation, and I did my best with what I had at the time.”
Challenge Negative Thoughts Your thoughts are not facts. A key step in overcoming negative thoughts is to question them. When a negative thought arises, ask yourself: “Is this thought 100% true? What is the evidence for it? What is a more balanced or realistic way of looking at this?” This practice helps you break the cycle of automatic negative thinking.
Reclaim Your Power by Setting Boundaries A core component of self-hatred is the belief that your needs don’t matter. By learning to say “no” and setting firm boundaries with others, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that your time, energy, and emotional well-being are valuable. This is a crucial step in building self-respect.
Separate Your Actions from Your Identity You are not your mistakes. Everyone makes them. Instead of labeling yourself as “a failure,” focus on the specific action. For example, instead of saying, “I am a failure because I didn’t get that job,” say, “I didn’t get that job, but I learned a lot from the interview process that I can use next time.” This distinction helps you learn and grow without compromising your self-worth.
Seek Professional Support If self-hatred is impacting your ability to function or find joy, seeking professional help is a brave and important step. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore the root causes of your feelings and provide personalized strategies for healing. You are not alone, and there is no shame in reaching out for help.
Healing from self-hatred is a testament to your resilience. It’s a continuous process of unlearning old habits and consciously choosing kindness. Each small act of self-compassion is a step toward building a new, healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you deserve to feel worthy of love and happiness.
Signs to Look For:
Constant Negative Self-Talk: This is the inner critic on overdrive, constantly pointing out flaws and mistakes. You might find yourself using phrases like “I’m so stupid,” or “I always mess everything up.”
Perfectionism and Fear of Failure: You set impossibly high standards for yourself, and any outcome short of perfect confirms your belief that you are not good enough. This often leads to procrastination or avoiding new challenges altogether.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: You may unconsciously undermine your own success or happiness, believing that you don’t deserve good things. This can show up in relationships, career choices, or personal goals.
Social Isolation: You pull away from friends and family, convinced that they will eventually see the “real” you and reject you. This reinforces your belief that you are unworthy of connection.
A Path to Healing: Practical Steps
Overcoming self-hatred is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience and kindness toward yourself. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin the healing process.
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the antidote to self-hatred. It is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. When the inner critic attacks, consciously replace its words with compassionate ones. For example, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid for doing that,” try replacing it with, “That was a difficult situation, and I did my best with what I had at the time.”
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
Your thoughts are not facts. A key step in overcoming negative thoughts is to question them. When a negative thought arises, ask yourself: “Is this thought 100% true? What is the evidence for it? What is a more balanced or realistic way of looking at this?” This practice helps you break the cycle of automatic negative thinking.
3. Reclaim Your Power by Setting Boundaries
A core component of self-hatred is the belief that your needs don’t matter. By learning to say “no” and setting firm boundaries with others, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that your time, energy, and emotional well-being are valuable. This is a crucial step in building self-respect.
4. Separate Your Actions from Your Identity
You are not your mistakes. Everyone makes them. Instead of labeling yourself as “a failure,” focus on the specific action. For example, instead of saying, “I am a failure because I didn’t get that job,” say, “I didn’t get that job, but I learned a lot from the interview process that I can use next time.” This distinction helps you learn and grow without compromising your self-worth.
5. Seek Professional Support
If self-hatred is impacting your ability to function or find joy, seeking professional help is a brave and important step. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore the root causes of your feelings and provide personalized strategies for healing. You are not alone, and there is no shame in reaching out for help.
A Final Thought
Healing from self-hatred is a testament to your resilience. It’s a continuous process of unlearning old habits and consciously choosing kindness. Each small act of self-compassion is a step toward building a new, healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you deserve to feel worthy of love and happiness.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.
Thera Connect
Sister site of Fitness Hacks for Life
Join Our Mission
We come from non-profit roots with an engaged community at Fitness Hacks for Life. Now we’ve created our sister site, Thera Connect, to expand our impact. We’re building something meaningful, and we’re asking you to join us.
