Heart Check: When Lust Looks Like Love.

Especially within the throes of a new romance, experiencing “that loving feeling” is a common emotion. But does that mean you are in love? You find yourself distracted and smiling when you think about your new paramour, and are very much looking forward to the next date. But are you naming your children?

There are subtle but significant distinctions between the emotions that accompany romantic attraction. Research explains.

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When Lust Feels Like Love

Minjung Kwon and Youngjee Han (2017) described the difference between lust and love in a study investigating the link between both concepts and self-control behavior.[i] They recognize that both emotions are often experienced together but are distinguishable through their respective relationship goals: Love seeks a long-term relationship of commitment and sharing life with a partner; lust involves pursuing temporary sexual desire without a long-term relational perspective.

Recognizing that lust and love activate different physiological and psychological processes, Kwon and Han describe love as prompting feelings of attachment and motivation for relational commitment, while sexual desire seeks opportunities for sexual activity. They also note that love is influenced by attachment and pair-bonding that creates a foundation for long-term relational commitment to a single partner, where lust is controlled by a system of sexual mating unrelated to relational formation or long-term bonding.

This distinction is consistent with findings of other researchers, such as Pamela C. Regan and Carla S. Dreyer (1999), who investigated the motives of young adults who engage in casual sexual activity.[ii] Studying the interpersonal, personal, social, and physical environmental motives of 105 college students who had experienced casual sexual encounters, they found some similarities. Both men and women explained reasons for their sexual encounter as including factors such as physical pleasure, alcohol use, sexual desire, and experimentation, as well as characteristics associated with their casual sex partner, such as his or her level of attractiveness.

Recognizing the Difference Between Passion and Relational Permanence

Because many singles are seeking a solid relational foundation, not a fling, we need practical methods to distinguish between lust and love. Here are some factors to consider.

Meeting of the minds: When it comes to courtship, motivation matters. Meeting in body and mind can be very different goals and sound different in conversation.

The topics discussed early in a relationship, when both parties are testing relational waters, are telling. An emphasis on the physical over the experiential or emotional is revealed through a desire to rush to private space, such as having a partner over for dinner, rather than enjoying public events, such as a ballgame, a walk on the beach, or a street fair.

Location matters: Meeting someone Sunday morning in church establishes different relational groundwork than a Friday night rendezvous at a bar. Expectations are different, as are motives for meeting. In addition, public, relaxed, unstructured settings remove the temporal pressure that often rushes late-night “courtship,” affording a more relaxed, natural flow of conversation.

Consider social context: Regan and Dreyer found gender differences in casual relationships, noting that men were more likely to be influenced by social environmental factors such as peer group norms and status enhancement, where women were more likely to be motivated by interpersonal factors such as the likelihood of obtaining a long-term commitment from a casual partner.

Focus on the future: Kwon and Han recognize one critical difference between lust and love as a temporal perspective. Because love is associated with long-term objectives of attachment and commitment, it generates a focus on the future. Lust, in contrast, is linked with short-term goals of sexual desire, sparking thoughts about satisfaction in the moment.

All of these differences are distinctive and discoverable with intentional perception and attention, and will help reveal whether a new match is a good match for you.