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(Pimkie/Flickr, CC BY)

Psychopath and sociopath are popular psychology terms to describe violent monsters born of our worst nightmares. Think Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs (1991), Norman Bates in Psycho (1960) and Annie Wilkes in Misery (1990). In making these characters famous, popular culture has also burned the words used to describe them into our collective consciousness.

Most of us, fortunately, will never meet a Hannibal Lecter, but psychopaths and sociopaths certainly do exist. And they hide among us. Sometimes as the most successful people in society because they’re often ruthless, callous and superficially charming, while having little or no regard for the feelings or needs of others.

These are known as “successful” psychopaths, as they have a tendency to perform premeditated crimes with calculated risk. Or they may manipulate someone else into breaking the law, while keeping themselves safely at a distance. They’re master manipulators of other peoples’ feelings, but are unable to experience emotions themselves.

Sound like someone you know? Well, heads up. You do know one; at least one. Prevalence rates come in somewhere between 0.2% and 3.3% of the population.

If you’re worried about yourself, you can take a quiz to find out, but before you click on that link let me save you some time: you’re not a psychopath or sociopath. If you were, you probably wouldn’t be interested in taking that personality test.

You just wouldn’t be that self-aware or concerned about your character flaws. That’s why both psychopathy and sociopathy are known as anti-social personality disorders, which are long-term mental health conditions.

What’s the difference?

Psychopaths and sociopaths share a number of characteristics, including a lack of remorse or empathy for others, a lack of guilt or ability to take responsibility for their actions, a disregard for laws or social conventions, and an inclination to violence. A core feature of both is a deceitful and manipulative nature. But how can we tell them apart?

Sociopaths are normally less emotionally stable and highly impulsive – their behaviour tends to be more erratic than psychopaths. When committing crimes – either violent or non-violent – sociopaths will act more on compulsion. And they will lack patience, giving in much more easily to impulsiveness and lacking detailed planning.

Psychopaths, on the other hand, will plan their crimes down to the smallest detail, taking calculated risks to avoid detection. The smart ones will leave few clues that may lead to being caught. Psychopaths don’t get carried away in the moment and make fewer mistakes as a result.

Both act on a continuum of behaviours, and many psychologists still debate whether the two should be differentiated at all. But for those who do differentiate between the two, one thing is largely agreed upon: psychiatrists use the term psychopathy to illustrate that the cause of the anti-social personality disorder is hereditary. Sociopathy describes behaviours that are the result of a brain injury, or abuse and/or neglect in childhood.

Psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made. In essence, their difference reflects the nature versus nurture debate.

There’s a particularly interesting link between serial killers and psychopaths or sociopaths – although, of course, not all psychopaths and sociopaths become serial killers. And not all serial killers are psychopaths or sociopaths.

But America’s Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has noted certain traits shared between known serial killers and these anti-social personality disorders. These include predatory behaviour (for instance, Ivan Milat, who hunted and murdered his seven victims); sensation-seeking (think hedonistic killers who murder for excitement or arousal, such as 21-year-old Thomas Hemming who, in 2014, murdered two people just to know what it felt like to kill); lack of remorse; impulsivity; and the need for control or power over others (such as Dennis Rader, an American serial killer who murdered ten people between 1974 and 1991, and became known as the “BTK (bind, torture, kill) killer”).

A case study

The Sydney murder of Morgan Huxley by 22-year-old Jack Kelsall, who arguably shows all the hallmarks of a psychopath, highlights the differences between psychopaths and sociopaths.

In 2013, Kelsall followed Huxley home where he indecently assaulted the 31-year-old before stabbing him 28 times. Kelsall showed no remorse for his crime, which was extremely violent and pre-meditated.

There’s no doubt in my mind he’s psychopathic rather than sociopathic because although the murder was frenzied, Kelsall showed patience and planning. He had followed potential victims before and had shared fantasies he had about murdering a stranger with a knife with his psychiatrist a year before he killed Huxley, allegedly for “the thrill of it”.

Whatever Kelsall’s motive, regardless of whether his dysfunction was born or made, the case stands as an example of the worst possible outcome of an anti-social personality disorder: senseless violence perpetrated against a random victim for self-gratification. Throughout his trial and sentencing, Kelsall showed no sign of remorse, no guilt, and gave no apology.

A textbook psychopath, he would, I believe, have gone on to kill again. In my opinion – and that of the police who arrested him – Kelsall was a serial killer in the making.

In the end, does the distinction between a psychopath and sociopath matter? They can both be dangerous and even deadly, the worst wreaking havoc with people’s lives. Or they can spend their life among people who are none the wiser for it.

Jealousy, often dubbed the “green-eyed monster,” is a complex emotion that plays a significant role in our lives, especially within the sphere of romantic relationships. It stems from insecurity, envy, and fear of loss, serving as a natural response to protect valued bonds. However, when jealousy escalates to an extreme, it can harm both the individual and their relationships.

In romantic dynamics, jealousy is intricately linked to attachment styles and emotional health. Those with anxious attachment styles are particularly vulnerable, their fears of abandonment fueling heightened jealousy. This can trigger a harmful cycle of doubt, feelings of inadequacy, and damaging behaviors that strain the relationship further.

Narcissistic jealousy represents a more intense and harmful variant, rooted in the narcissist’s grandiosity, need for admiration, and empathy deficit. Understanding this form of jealousy involves exploring the psychological aspects of narcissistic personality disorder and its impact on emotional responses and relationship dynamics.

The Nature of Narcissistic Jealousy

Definition and Characteristics

Narcissistic jealousy is a distinct and intensified form of jealousy, deeply rooted in the psychological dynamics of narcissistic personality disorder. Unlike ordinary jealousy, which may stem from genuine concerns about relationship security, narcissistic jealousy is driven by the narcissist’s insatiable need for validation, admiration, and a sense of superiority. People with narcissistic tendencies often exhibit grandiosity, a lack of empathy, and an inflated sense of self-importance, making them highly sensitive to any perceived threats to their status or attention.

This form of jealousy is characterized by an excessive preoccupation with the fear of losing their partner’s attention or admiration to someone else. Narcissists may become envious of others who receive attention or praise, believing that they are entitled to such recognition themselves.

This envy can manifest as competitiveness, where the narcissist constantly compares themselves to others and seeks to outdo them to maintain their perceived superiority.

Common Triggers

Narcissistic jealousy can be triggered by a variety of factors, many of which are tied to the narcissist’s deep-seated insecurities and need for validation. One common trigger is the perception that their partner is giving attention to someone else, whether this is a friend, family member, or potential romantic interest. Even innocent interactions can be misinterpreted as threats, leading to accusations of infidelity or emotional infidelity without any evidence.

Social media can also be a significant trigger, as narcissists may feel threatened by their partner’s online interactions or the attention their partner receives from others.

The constant comparison and competition fueled by social media platforms can exacerbate the narcissist’s feelings of inadequacy and jealousy.

Additionally, any form of success or recognition achieved by their partner or others can trigger narcissistic jealousy. Narcissists may feel that such successes undermine their own status and entitlement to admiration, leading to behaviors such as sabotage, belittling, or gossiping to diminish the achievements of others.

Impact of Narcissistic Jealousy in Relationships

Effects on Partners

Narcissistic jealousy can have devastating effects on the partners of individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. One of the primary consequences is the creation of a highly controlling and manipulative environment.

Narcissists often use jealousy as a tool to exert power and control over their partners, making them feel like possessions rather than equals in the relationship. This can manifest through constant monitoring, accusations of infidelity, and restrictions on social interactions.

The emotional toll on partners can be significant.

Narcissistic jealousy often leads to emotional abuse, where the partner is subjected to belittling, blame-shifting, and gaslighting. For instance, a narcissist might accuse their partner of being jealous or envious, projecting their own feelings onto the partner to deflect attention from their own behavior.

This can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and low self-esteem in the partner.

Additionally, the constant need for validation and the narcissist’s inability to genuinely celebrate their partner’s successes can create a toxic dynamic. Partners may find themselves walking on eggshells, avoiding any actions or conversations that might trigger the narcissist’s jealousy.

This can stifle personal growth and happiness, as the partner may feel compelled to downplay their achievements or hide their interactions with others to avoid provoking the narcissist’s envy.

Handling Jealousy in Narcissistic Relationships

Dealing with narcissistic jealousy is incredibly challenging and often requires a strategic approach. It is important to recognize that the narcissist’s jealousy is not about the partner’s actions but rather about the narcissist’s own deep-seated insecurities and need for control.

Setting clear boundaries and communicating openly can sometimes help, but it is essential to understand that narcissists may not respond positively to rational discussions or emotional appeals due to their lack of empathy and self-awareness.

In many cases, seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can be vital. Having a support network can provide emotional validation and practical advice on how to navigate the relationship. It may also be necessary to consider distancing oneself from the relationship or seeking professional help to develop strategies for managing the narcissist’s behavior and protecting one’s own mental health.

It is also important to remember that narcissistic jealousy can escalate into more severe forms of abuse, including emotional and psychological manipulation.

Recognizing the signs of abuse and knowing when to seek help or leave the relationship is critical for maintaining one’s well-being. In some cases, the best course of action may be to end the relationship to protect oneself from further harm.

Comparative Analysis with Other Forms of Jealousy

Narcissistic vs. Non-Narcissistic Jealousy

Narcissistic jealousy differs significantly from other forms of jealousy, particularly in its underlying motivations and behavioral manifestations. Unlike non-narcissistic jealousy, which may arise from genuine concerns about relationship security or feelings of insecurity, narcissistic jealousy is deeply rooted in the narcissist’s need for validation, admiration, and a sense of superiority.

In non-narcissistic relationships, jealousy can be a response to real or perceived threats, such as infidelity or emotional disconnection. However, this type of jealousy is often accompanied by a willingness to communicate and work through the issues, as the individual is motivated by a desire to maintain and strengthen the relationship.

In contrast, narcissistic jealousy is characterized by a lack of empathy and a tendency to manipulate and control the partner to satisfy the narcissist’s own needs for admiration and validation. Narcissists often engage in behaviors such as game-playing tactics, stalking, and interpersonal violence to maintain control over their partners. These actions are driven by the narcissist’s grandiosity and sense of entitlement, rather than a genuine concern for the relationship’s well-being.

This distinction highlights that narcissistic jealousy is not about protecting the relationship but rather about protecting the narcissist’s ego and status.

Role of Self-esteem

The role of self-esteem in narcissistic jealousy is complex and multifaceted. Unlike individuals with healthy self-esteem, who may experience jealousy as a temporary and manageable emotion, narcissists have fragile and inflated self-esteem that is highly vulnerable to threats. This vulnerability stems from the narcissist’s deep-seated feelings of insecurity and inferiority, which they mask with grandiosity and arrogance.

Narcissistic jealousy is often triggered by any perceived slight or competition that could undermine the narcissist’s self-image. For instance, if a partner receives attention or praise from others, the narcissist may feel envious and threatened, leading to jealous behaviors aimed at diminishing the partner’s achievements or status. This reaction is not about the partner’s actions but about the narcissist’s own need to maintain a superior self-image.

In contrast, individuals with non-narcissistic jealousy may experience a temporary dip in self-esteem due to feelings of insecurity, but they are generally more resilient and capable of addressing these feelings through open communication and mutual support. The narcissist’s inability to handle perceived threats to their self-esteem without resorting to manipulative and controlling behaviors sets their jealousy apart from more typical forms of jealousy.

Conclusion: Dealing with Narcissistic Jealousy

Dealing with narcissistic jealousy requires a deep understanding of its roots and manifestations. Remember that narcissistic jealousy is driven by the narcissist’s need for validation, admiration, and control, rather than genuine concerns about the relationship. It can lead to manipulative and abusive behaviors, including projection of their own envy and jealousy onto their partners.

To protect yourself, it is important to set clear boundaries, maintain emotional distance, and avoid public confrontations. Seeking support from a therapist or a healthy support network is essential for managing the emotional toll of these relationships. Ultimately, recognizing the signs of narcissistic jealousy and taking proactive steps to safeguard your mental health can be the key to navigating or escaping these toxic dynamics.

FAQ

How can I stop being jealous?

To stop being jealous, be honest about your feelings and identify their source. Master your mindset by recognizing and challenging distorted thinking patterns. Practice self-compassion and focus on your strengths.

Communicate openly with your partner, and consider seeking help from a therapist to address underlying insecurities and fears. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life and celebrate the success of others.

What is at the root of jealousy?

At the root of jealousy are often insecurities, fears of loss or abandonment, and low self-esteem. It can be triggered by past experiences, mental health issues, and the perception of threats to relationships or possessions, driven by a desire to maintain security and control.

What triggers jealousy?

Jealousy is triggered by various factors, including insecurity, past traumas, low self-esteem, and fears of loss or betrayal. It can be spurred by comparisons to others, perceived or real threats to a relationship, and personal vulnerabilities such as anxiety or past painful experiences.

What is the exact meaning of jealousy?

Jealousy is the unpleasant emotion felt when someone believes another person is trying to take away something or someone they value, such as a romantic partner, friend, or possession. It involves feelings of insecurity, fear, anger, and resentment, and is often triggered by the perception of a threat to a valued relationship.

If you are attracted to people with narcissistic tendencies, it is usually for one or more of the following reasons:

One of your parents had narcissistic traits and you are unconsciously choosing a type of relationship that is familiar to you.

You enjoy the narcissistic courtship style, especially the instant intimacy and over the top idealization of you—and do not understand how temporary it is likely to be.

If the person is a bossy Exhibitionist Narcissist, you might enjoy someone else taking charge or making decisions for you.

If you are a Closet Narcissist, you might idealize the Exhibitionist because he or she dares to take center stage.
You might have low self-esteem and the Narcissist’s devaluation of you resonates with your own opinions.
You are used to being treated badly, so you have set the bar too low.

The person with NPD has other things that you like enough to be willing to put up with his or her narcissistic traits.
You mistake defensive grandiosity for self-confidence.
Punchline: All sorts of people are attracted to people who are narcissistic. In my experience, most of them do not really understand what an ongoing relationship with a Narcissist is likely to be like.

A2A

Elinor Greenberg, PhD, CGP

In private practice in NYC and the author of the book: Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations.

Narcissists are individuals who have an extreme sense of self-importance and a deep need for admiration. They often go to great lengths to maintain control and keep tabs on others, which can lead them to use social media to track where you go and who you see. In addition, the use of spyware and tracking apps to monitor your whereabouts is also part of their game. Discover more about their tactics in our resources section.

Some have said they have found the apple air tags in their belongings. Check your personal belongings and if you find one report it to the authorities

Additionally, stalking can manifest in behaviors such as showing up uninvited at the victim’s location, repeatedly sending unwanted gifts, or incessantly contacting the victim’s family and friends.

One of the main reasons why narcissists may resort to using spyware and tracking apps is to satisfy their need for control. By knowing your exact location at all times, they can ensure that they have power over you and can manipulate situations to their advantage. Learn how to safeguard your privacy by visiting our shop.

This can create a sense of fear and vulnerability for the victim – subject, as they may feel constantly watched and under surveillance . By monitoring your activities, they can anticipate any potential threats to their reputation and take preemptive measures to protect themselves. In addition, the use of spyware and tracking apps by narcissists can have serious consequences for the victim’s mental and emotional well-being. For more insights, check out our blog on related issues.

It’s essential to understand that the trauma of being stalked can impact more than just your emotional state—it can lead to significant changes in your daily life. You might alter your routines, avoid certain places, or feel the need to change your job or residence. Our Fantastic Newsletter provides updates on coping strategies.

One way technology exacerbates stalking behavior is through persistent, non-consensual communication such as spamming emails, incessant phone calls, or intrusive messages on social media platforms. This use of technology to stalk can cause added distress to the victim by creating a sense of omnipresence of the perpetrator. Don’t miss our featured and greatest articles for more on coping mechanisms.

Having lived with two psychopaths—a mother and a sister—I am hoping that my personal experience will help others to better understand and protect themselves from women displaying traits of psychopathy or antisocial personality disorder. My goal is to sensitize readers to how female psychopaths act and behave in everyday settings. Living with two of them enabled me to see the entire personality up close over many years—a perspective very different from that of clinicians or researchers.

Source: Rodnae Productions/Pexels

Female Psychopaths Seek to Destroy and Command All Attention

Many female psychopaths seek to destroy others however they can. A female psychopath may undermine your self-esteem using innuendo, or bully you and turn friends and family against you by poisoning your reputation behind your back. There is no end to what she might do to shatter your life. Many female psychopaths are pathological liars who are more cunning and manipulative than male psychopaths.

The female psychopath desires to be the center of attention and demands center stage. Listen closely to her style of speech—how she also manages to play the victim. She may shed crocodile tears to play on your sympathy, and the next moment her tears can transform into raucous laughter. Her personality turns on and off like a neon sign.

Histrionics and Other Tactics

Dare not challenge her. This could trigger a ballistic response.

The psychopathic woman is often known for histrionics and her award-winning performance can be convincing enough to persuade her audience to believe her side of the story—even after hearing your side first. She may resort to whatever means necessary to get what she wants and will use any tool possible—including flirting with your partner or otherwise co-opting through seduction.

In the end, a female psychopath is often loyal to no one. She may believe she is entitled to everything, while it pleases her to give you nothing. She might gloat over your misfortune and, while she is gloating, you may even notice a smirk on her face. After all, why should you have more than her?

She might steal or deliberately damage a treasured possession—and if she gets caught, she will never apologize because it is really your fault. As a matter of fact, she distorts all stories in her favor and blames you for what she does.

Driven by Envy and Personal Inadequacy

At her core, the female psychopath may not like herself. But it rarely helps to feel sorry for her. No matter what you do for her, no matter what you give her, she will remain ungrateful. She is likely extremely envious and desires to obtain everything that she wants since she believes she was cheated out of life’s bounty, and it is up to her to even the score.

What she wants is impossible to get: Why aren’t movie producers banging down her door? Why doesn’t she have the long legs of a Rockette? Mind you, what she wants has no end and brings her no satisfaction. She appreciates nothing.

Beware if she offers you gossip as confidential information. She is telling others the same stories, many of which might be half-truths or even full-blown lies. She may be highly adept at sidling up to people. She will size you up in a moment while you are still trying to figure her out.

Incapacity for Love

The most devastating and destructive of her psychopathic traits may be her incapacity to love anyone—even her own child. This intrinsic incapacity spells doom for any relationship.

About the Author

Online:

 www.winisbooks.com

Last week, Samantha Brick published a now rather infamous essay in the UK Daily Mail, on the “downsides” of being as beautiful as she is, or feels herself to be. Her point was that women had treated her badly, ignored her, or trashed her socially, because of her beauty and good looks.

She opened a Pandora’s box. The awkward thing that I think the cynical editors of the Daily Mail anticipated and even hoped for, is that the more than 5,000 overwhelmingly negative comments about the article often pointed out that Samantha wasn’t really a fitting ambassador from the realm of the beautiful to the realm of the average-looking. Also, Trolls objected to Samantha’s smugness, her shallow notion of beauty, and her cynical view that women would treat her badly, or differently, for what boiled down to jealousy over physical appearance.

Her piece made me curious about the matter of jealousy among women, or Platonic jealousy.

As a preliminary step, I’ve created an anonymous online survey on this kind of jealousy which, Samantha argues, causes women to have difficulties with other women.

Is Samantha on to something? Does jealousy among women fester under the surface of female friendships, or have we moved beyond it? Has envy secretly caused you to treat a woman differently—or do you suspect that you have been treated differently because a woman was jealous of your beauty, brilliance, figure, popularity, career successes, education, life achievements, sex life, family life, wealth, piety, altruism and unimpeachable character, or other factors?

You can answer and confess honestly. You won’t get flamed for speaking out. I’ll write a column on what the survey reveals in a few weeks.

About the Author

Pamela Haag, Ph.D., is the author of Marriage Confidential and many other books, essays, and articles—from the scholarly to the popular—on cultural trends, modern relationships and feminism.

Online:

 

The term “Karen” has become a popular internet label for someone—typically a middle-aged woman—who is entitled, demanding, and often rude to service workers or others in public spaces. Whether you’re a retail employee, restaurant server, or just an unlucky bystander, dealing with a “Karen” can be frustrating. Here’s how to handle the situation with patience and confidence.

1. Stay Calm and Composed

When confronted with an aggressive or entitled attitude, it’s easy to react emotionally. However, remaining calm is the best way to avoid escalating the situation. Take a deep breath, maintain a neutral expression, and keep your voice steady. Karens often thrive on drama, so refusing to engage in an emotional battle can deflate their aggression.

2. Listen and Acknowledge

Sometimes, a Karen just wants to be heard. Instead of immediately dismissing their concerns, acknowledge what they’re saying with phrases like:

• “I understand your frustration.”
• “I see where you’re coming from.”
• “Let me see how I can help.”
  This approach can sometimes de-escalate the situation before it spirals out of control.

3. Set Firm Boundaries

If a Karen becomes aggressive, disrespectful, or unreasonable, it’s important to set clear boundaries. For example:

• “I’m happy to help, but I need you to speak respectfully.”
• “I can assist you within company policy, but I cannot make exceptions.”
• “If you continue to yell, I’ll have to end this conversation.”
  Establishing these boundaries shows that you will not tolerate abusive behavior.

4. Stand Your Ground Politely

Karens often demand to “speak to the manager” or insist on getting their way, regardless of rules. If their request is unreasonable, stand your ground while maintaining a professional demeanor. Be confident in your response and avoid backing down just to appease them.

5. Get Support When Needed

If the situation escalates, don’t be afraid to involve a manager or higher authority. If you’re a customer witnessing a Karen harassing someone, offering moral support or stepping in with kindness can help diffuse the conflict. However, always prioritize safety first.

6. Use Humor and Perspective

Sometimes, the best way to handle an entitled person is to see the humor in the situation. If safe and appropriate, a little lightheartedness (without being rude) can disarm them. Additionally, remind yourself that their behavior likely has more to do with their own frustrations than with you personally.

7. Walk Away When Necessary

Not all battles are worth fighting. If a Karen refuses to be reasoned with and the situation is going nowhere, sometimes the best option is to remove yourself from the conversation. Know when it’s time to disengage and move on.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with a Karen can be stressful, but maintaining composure, setting boundaries, and standing firm in a respectful manner can help you navigate the encounter smoothly. Whether you work in customer service or just happen to cross paths with an entitled individual, these strategies will equip you to handle the situation like a pro. Stay calm, be firm, and remember—it’s not about you, it’s about them.

As your friendly neighborhood blogapist that tackles many non-PC topics in order to help your marriage, I consider it my business to help you actually understand your partner better, even if what I say isn’t politically correct. This post is no different!  Here, I tackle the idea that men should generally try to protect their wives, because this is what most women that I see actually want. And, if the choice is between overprotecting and underprotecting (examples will follow), men who pick overprotecting will end up with happier wives and marriages. How does this play out?

Women frequently tell me that they don’t feel their husband “has their back.”  This can manifest in a million small and large ways, but some common ones are:

• He is not on her side in arguments with the kids or inlaws
• He doesn’t watch out for her and try to help her when she is tired, overwhelmed, depressed, or sick
• He sits by and watches while she makes unhealthy choices (e.g., stay up too late, drink too much, work too hard, get involved in arguments with family members that won’t lead to anything good) even though she tries to stop HIM from doing these same things
• He is nonconfrontational to a fault and does not lead the family in a direction that would be overall positive because he is terrified of her short term frustration or disapproval

Women may say they want to be independent, and they certainly do want to make their own choices about many things, as does any human being.  But most women also yearn for a partner who takes charge, especially when they feel tapped out or overburdened.  The problem comes when they criticize their husbands for any attempt at taking charge, which makes men feel scared to do so, because then they are jerks or bad feminists.  This idea is why I wrote my post Stop Caring So Much What Your Wife Thinks.

What are Examples of Protecting and Under-protecting?

Protecting (which maybe you see as overprotecting if you never do these things):

• Making the decision about where to go to dinner because she is too stressed to deal
• Telling your mom that your wife will be taking a nap during their afternoon visit because she is wiped out from being up with the baby
• Telling your kids to respect their mother and giving them a time-out for being rude
• Telling your wife she needs to get more sleep and turning off Game of Thrones after this episode
• Not buying the snack foods that she says over and over that she gets addicted to and doesn’t want in the house
• Telling her to go take a nap because you have the kids and the house handled and she is exhausted

Under-protecting:

• Letting your wife make all the decisions because she criticized your choice of Mexican food when you were dating
• Saying nothing as your mom makes comments about how your wife should sleep train the baby
• Saying nothing when your kids are rude to your wife because this one time she told you not to invalidate them
• Figuring that your wife’s sleep, exercise, food and drink intake and whatever else is her business because she is an adult and not helping her with moderation even when she says that would be helpful
• Not checking on her during the day at all, even via text, and then saying it’s because you don’t want to bother her at work because she says she’s busy (as if a text is going to jump out of her phone and dance on the table during her meetings)

If you try some of the protecting ones and your wife says, “Don’t patronize me!” then you can openly share that you’re trying to make more decisions because she has said she wants you to make decisions/be involved/whatever she has said.  But I can assure you that this reaction is better than the sobbing anger that you will get from a wife that feels that you never protect her or back her up.

Understanding Partner Dynamics

If you are uncomfortable making decisions for your wife’s benefit because this seems chauvinistic, think of it as caretaking plain and simple. I have said before to treat your partner as well as you treat your kids.  If your child said “But I don’t want to brush my teeth!” you would still make sure they brushed their teeth. Yet when your exhausted wife says, “But I have to watch one more episode to wind down,” you say, “Okay” and go back into the world of your phone.  What if you said, “Come to bed and I will rub your back and then you can get the sleep you need?”  This would be loving, caretaking, and protecting.  If you do it for your kids, why not for your wife?

Sometimes women are uncomfortable being cared for because they never got cared for as children. Then, they usually secretly want to be taken care of and protected, but they think this isn’t an option for them.  Then, they will say things like:

• “I do everything myself around here”
• “My husband acts like a child“
• “My husband is so irresponsible“

Understanding Partner Dynamics

You may say that these particular men in the linked posts are actually all of these bad things that their wives call them.  But how did these men get this way and why did the woman choose to stay when their selfish traits became evident (almost never late in marriage, almost always red flags early on)?  It takes two to tango. Often, women who are very anxious and codependent find an irresponsible partner very familiar on a subconscious level.  Growing up, they saw one parent who was a “problem person” (e.g. alcoholic, anger issues, depressive), and one who devoted their life to “helping” or enabling this person.  When women stay in situations where a man cannot protect them and then say this is why they HAVE TO do everything themselves instead of getting out and finding a partner who would care for them, this is due to unexamined codependency and feeling like they don’t deserve and could never find anything better.

You may also ask, “Why is this post targeted toward men? I thought both partners are supposed to care for each other?” My answer is simple.  I see many, many women in couples counseling who say they wish their partner protected them, and I have never heard this from a man.  Men certainly want to be taken care of, and most frequently this is with physical affection and words of love.  I take an equity approach to couples work vs equality.  Everyone needs similar things, such as to feel loved and secure, but not everyone needs the exact same partner behaviors to achieve this. 

Closing Statement

Try to protect your wife and see if she starts to feel more secure, which would manifest as more smiles, less anxiety, less irritability and less anger (and more physical touch).  People who feel vulnerable to attack (even in ways that you don’t consider “attacks,” e.g. your mom making comments) act angry and defensive.  When they know someone is there for them, actively trying to care for and protect them, they frequently calm down because they feel more secure and loved.  Share this article with your partner as well, because more communication on this topic may help you further understand how your spouse feels about this idea of protection.  And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Everyone Wants To Be Securely Reparented, But This Can Look Very Different To Different People.

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Resources and Disclaimers

For therapy, go here for Dr. Whiten and go here for other clinicians in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health. For coaching with Dr. Whiten, go here. Order Dr. Whiten’s books, Couples You Meet in Counseling: 7 Common Relationship Dynamics That Sabotage Closeness, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family, and listen to The Dr. Psych Mom Show on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere else you listen to podcasts. Join The Dr. Psych Mom secret Facebook group for more discussion about these kinds of issues!

This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you agree that I have no liability and you cannot sue me. This information is only my opinion, based on my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person. Also, all examples involving people or clients are hypothetical amalgams, not actual people.

If any of these habits show up in your love life, it’s time to make a change.

THE BASICS:

• Why Relationships Matter
• Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

Key points:

• Cheating breaks a partner’s heart as well as their trust.
• Bringing home negative energy only makes things worse at home.
• In a relationship, silence is never golden.

Source: SFIO CRACHO/Shutterstock

Here are 10 primary reasons why breakups and divorces happen, and 10 ways to avoid them.

1. Bad behaviors

Maybe when you were young, it was cool to be “bad,” but as an adult, especially if you have a family, those old behaviors, whatever they may be (smoking, drinking, chewing tobacco, or spending your children’s college tuition on Botox or fantasy football), have to stop. If you can’t do it on your own, your next step is rehab. Start now, and by next year you may be a new person.

2. Cheating

So you have broken the most sacred of vows (if you are married) and, married or not, probably broken the heart of your significant other, along with his or her trust. That’s really a hard thing to rebuild, but it can be done. The trick is to avoid this pitfall in the first place. Give up even the idea of sex with other people completely, and your mate will become far more attractive.

3. Misdirected Anger

How many times have you had a lousy day at work and come home in a bad mood? Guess what: That isn’t fair, and it’s going to damage your relationship. Coming home and bringing a bunch of negative energy inside with you can only make things ugly. You can get the soothing you need and have your mood changed in a few moments by just asking for a hug and saying, “Honey, I’ve had a rotten day.”

4. Being Unsupportive

If you cannot support the one you love when he or she is down, or stressed because of some life event, you are communicating that it’s not worth your time and energy. This makes your loved one feel invalid. If you can’t be there for your other half and don’t care to change, it’s time to leave. If you want to keep your relationship, learn to be supportive.

5. Toxic People

If you have friends that your partner can’t stand, it can be one of two things: Either there’s a control issue involved here, or these individuals are negative and should not be in your lives. If it’s a control issue (on one or both of your parts), you should see a counselor together. If your “friends” engage in bad behaviors or are disrespectful to your mate, you need to find some new people to hang out with.

6. Withholding Affection and Attention

When you are not affectionate with the person who loves you, he or she is eventually going to stop asking for affection. After being turned down enough times, we become too embarrassed to ask. I’m not talking about sex—just attention, like hand-holding or cuddling on the couch. If you’d like more intimacy in your relationship, this is the place to start, slowly and sweetly.

7. Lying

Really, why? So you don’t look bad or have to admit to doing something your other half doesn’t approve of? Look, it only becomes worse if you lie about it. Give up dishonesty, and your relationship can change very quickly. Keep at it, and your mate will lose all trust in you and your partnership.

8. Stealing

Financial issues account for more than 30 percent of all divorces. The mere fact that “financial infidelity” has become a catchphrase speaks to how pervasive this has become. If you are going to steal from someone you love, you have an issue and need to get some help. If you feel entitled, or that your partner is a cheapskate, you still need to get some counseling. If you don’t work this out, you might as well just give up.

9. Giving Up

It’s the couples that do the hard work and face the challenges that withstand the test of time. Giving up is not the same as giving in, which is a process that needs to be considered when you are at odds with one another. Relationships are all about compromise. Remember too that you can agree to disagree without being disagreeable.

10. Not Communicating

In a relationship, silence is never golden. The more you talk, the better you will feel. Communication is the single most important thing in a relationship, bar none. If you do not have good communication, you cannot have a good relationship, plain and simple. So sit down over a cup of coffee and use your words. You’ll get a lot more out of it than you think.

Changing how you relate can be as simple as dropping a bad habit, or it may require that you get some outside input. If you are engaging in any of these behaviors, you need to look at what you are doing and why—if you want to stay together, that is.

Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D., LMFT is a licensed psychotherapist, a columnist, and the author of 7 books, including Emotional Fitness for Couples.

Online:

 BartonGoldsmith.com, Facebook, X, LinkedIn