Understanding Possessive In-Law Behavior and How to Navigate It

Quick Answer: A possessive mother-in-law displays 12 key behaviors: disrespecting boundaries, monopolizing her son’s time, gossiping behind your back, communicating through her son instead of directly, driving wedges in the marriage, creating conflict, sabotaging plans, excluding you from family events, causing chronic stress, badmouthing you to relatives, constant criticism, and making you feel inadequate. Research shows that healthy boundaries and direct communication are essential for managing these dynamics.

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Marriage is supposed to be a joyous union between two people—but sometimes it feels like you’re competing for your husband’s attention with the woman who raised him. When a mother struggles to accept that her son has created his own family unit, it can create significant tension and conflict that threatens the health of your marriage.

Understanding the psychology behind possessive maternal behavior and learning to identify warning signs can help you navigate this challenging family dynamic while protecting your relationship.

The Psychology Behind Maternal Possessiveness

When adult children marry, their parents naturally experience a shift in family dynamics. For most parents, this transition happens gradually and healthily. However, some mothers struggle with feelings of loss, displacement, and fear of abandonment.

Common Root Causes

Enmeshment: Some mother-son relationships lack healthy boundaries from childhood, creating an unhealthy emotional dependence.

Identity issues: Mothers whose primary identity centered on motherhood may struggle when that role naturally diminishes.

Fear of abandonment: Past losses or insecurities can manifest as clinging behavior and resistance to change.

Control needs: Some individuals cope with anxiety by maintaining control over their adult children’s lives.

Unresolved marital issues: Mothers in unsatisfying marriages sometimes inappropriately rely on sons for emotional fulfillment.

Understanding these underlying causes doesn’t excuse problematic behavior, but it can provide context for developing effective strategies to address it.

12 Warning Signs of Possessive Mother-in-Law Behavior

1. Persistent Boundary Violations

Healthy relationships require mutual respect for personal boundaries. A possessive mother-in-law consistently ignores or dismisses the boundaries you establish.

How this manifests:

• Arriving at your home without notice or invitation
• Entering your home without knocking
• Making decisions about your household without consulting you
• Discussing your private matters without permission
• Overriding your parenting choices if you have children
• Disregarding your schedule and availability

According to life coach Mitzi Bockmann, maintaining mutual respect is one of the most critical boundaries in healthy relationships. Respect is cultivated by speaking to each other honestly, sharing feelings and needs openly, and avoiding personal attacks or criticism of each other’s behaviors and actions.

The impact: Constant boundary violations leave you feeling disrespected, powerless, and like a guest in your own life. This dynamic can create resentment that spills into your marriage.

2. Monopolizing Her Son’s Time and Attention

While maintaining parent-child relationships after marriage is healthy, excessive demands for time and attention signal possessiveness.

How this manifests:

• Daily phone calls that last hours
• Expecting your husband to be available at all times
• Creating “emergencies” that require immediate attention
• Scheduling family events without considering your plans
• Expressing hurt feelings when her son prioritizes you
• Competing with you for his attention at gatherings

Therapist Dr. Alexandra Solomon explains that many husbands remain trapped in “little boy mode,” failing to establish clear boundaries between their maternal relationship and their role as a partner. Over time, this pattern erodes your marriage’s foundation, while simultaneously giving his mother permission to believe she should indeed be the priority in his life.

The impact: You feel like the third wheel in your own marriage, constantly fighting for the attention your spouse should freely give you.

3. Behind-the-Back Communication

Healthy family relationships include open, direct communication. When your mother-in-law consistently discusses you with her son privately rather than addressing concerns directly, it’s a red flag.

How this manifests:

• Sharing complaints about you with your husband
• Asking him to relay messages instead of speaking to you
• Having private conversations that exclude you
• Creating a “them versus you” dynamic
• Undermining your credibility through selective information sharing

There’s a natural trust difference between partnerships and parent-child relationships. However, when a mother exploits this by positioning herself as an ally against you, it damages both relationships.

The impact: This behavior creates an unhealthy triangle dynamic where you’re always defending yourself against conversations you weren’t part of.

4. Triangulation and Indirect Communication

Triangulation occurs when someone refuses to communicate directly with you, instead using a third party—in this case, her son—as a messenger.

How this manifests:

• “Tell your wife that…”
• Sending messages through your husband
• Refusing to speak to you at family events
• Addressing all questions and comments to her son, even about you
• Creating situations where you must go through him to reach her

This deliberate communication breakdown shows fundamental disrespect while simultaneously placing your husband in an uncomfortable mediator role.

The impact: This petty behavior creates unnecessary stress, frustrates everyone involved, and prevents any possibility of developing a healthy relationship.

5. Active Attempts to Create Marital Distance

Some mothers-in-law go beyond passive resistance to actively working to damage your marriage.

How this manifests:

• Planting seeds of doubt about your commitment
• Exaggerating minor disagreements you’ve had
• Sharing “concerns” about your character or behavior
• Reminding her son of past relationships
• Suggesting he’d be happier without you
• Attempting to create financial or logistical dependence on her

Psychologist Margot Brown stresses that keeping your private marital issues confidential is critical to preventing them from being weaponized to drive distance between you and your husband. Without your husband’s willingness to prioritize your partnership and stand united, these divisive tactics can compound over time, creating the exact impasse the jealous mother-in-law desires.

The impact: These calculated maneuvers aim to destabilize your marriage so her son will return to depending primarily on her.

6. Deliberate Conflict Creation

Rather than supporting her son’s happiness, a possessive mother-in-law may actively work to create problems in his marriage.

How this manifests:

• Making inflammatory comments designed to start arguments
• Revealing information meant to hurt or embarrass you
• Creating situations that force choosing between you and her
• Questioning your husband’s choices in your presence
• Expressing disapproval of your marriage decisions

If she dislikes you or feels threatened by the time you spend with her son, a toxic mother-in-law will use manipulative tactics to create friction between you.

The impact: Constant manufactured drama exhausts both partners and makes every family interaction feel like navigating a minefield.

7. Systematic Plan Sabotage

Deliberately interfering with your plans serves multiple purposes: asserting dominance, testing loyalty, and creating tension.

How this manifests:

• Scheduling conflicting events after learning your plans
• Creating “emergencies” on important dates
• Making last-minute demands that disrupt your schedule
• Booking trips or visits without consulting you
• Planning family events that exclude or inconvenience you

According to social worker Jan Carey, one of the most damaging patterns in these dynamics is when “plans are made without consulting the spouse,” which is a direct violation of mutual respect and autonomy in your marriage. When your mother-in-law consistently makes arrangements, schedules family events, or intercepts your plans without your input, she’s testing your loyalty while simultaneously creating friction between you and your husband.

The impact: Repeated interference makes it impossible to maintain your own family traditions or create plans without anxiety about disruption.

8. Social Exclusion and Invisibility

Being deliberately ignored or excluded from family activities sends a clear message: you’re not considered part of the family.

How this manifests:

• Not acknowledging your presence at gatherings
• Excluding you from family photos
• Leaving you out of conversations
• Not introducing you to extended family
• Forgetting to inform you of family news or events
• Acting as if you don’t exist when making plans

This passive-aggressive behavior aims to make you feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, hoping you’ll eventually withdraw from family events.

The impact: Social exclusion is emotionally painful and creates an uncomfortable dynamic where your husband must constantly advocate for your inclusion.

9. Creating a Constant State of Stress

Some mothers-in-law seem determined to keep you perpetually off-balance and overwhelmed.

How this manifests:

• Frequent unexpected visits or demands
• Last-minute changes to agreed-upon plans
• Emotional manipulation through guilt or tears
• Creating urgency around non-urgent matters
• Pushing your buttons on sensitive topics
• Never allowing you to relax in her presence

According to Toni Falcone, a licensed psychologist, emotional manipulation and the accompanying stress can take its toll on you. If you notice that you feel exhausted, down, begin doubting yourself, or feel bad about yourself after interactions with this relative, there may be something unhealthy, toxic, or manipulative occurring in the relationship.

The impact: Chronic stress from this relationship affects your mental health, physical wellbeing, and ability to enjoy your marriage.

10. Family-Wide Reputation Damage

A particularly destructive tactic involves turning other family members against you through negative narratives.

How this manifests:

• Sharing twisted versions of events with relatives
• Highlighting your mistakes while ignoring your contributions
• Creating an “us versus her” family dynamic
• Positioning herself as the victim of your supposed behavior
• Rallying family members to her side in conflicts

According to psychology expert Shahida Arabi, a smear campaign is a classic narcissistic manipulation tactic. A mother-in-law uses this tactic to control the narrative and keep your partner caught between loyalty to her and loyalty to you.

The impact: This poisoning of family relationships makes gatherings unbearable and isolates you from potential allies who might otherwise support your marriage.

11. Perpetual Inadequacy Messages

Nothing you do ever measures up, and you receive constant feedback that you’re failing.

How this manifests:

• Criticizing your cooking, cleaning, or homemaking
• Comparing you unfavorably to her or others
• Nitpicking your choices and decisions
• Expressing disappointment in your accomplishments
• Interfering with your tasks to “fix” them
• Never offering genuine praise or appreciation

This relentless negativity aims to undermine your confidence and make you question your worth.

The impact: Constant criticism damages self-esteem and can create anxiety around family interactions, knowing nothing you do will be accepted.

12. Unrelenting Criticism and Negativity

Beyond making you feel inadequate, some mothers-in-law maintain a consistently critical attitude toward everything about you.

How this manifests:

• Making rude comments about your appearance, job, or background
• Passive-aggressive remarks about your choices
• Expressing disapproval of your marriage openly
• Criticizing you to your husband and other family members
• Finding fault with everything you say or do
• Never having anything positive to say about you

The impact: This constant negativity creates a toxic atmosphere where you dread interactions and feel unwelcome in your own extended family.

The Role of Your Husband

Your husband’s response to his mother’s behavior significantly impacts how these dynamics affect your marriage.

Critical Questions to Consider:

• Does he recognize problematic behavior?
• Does he defend you or make excuses for her?
• Does he set and enforce boundaries with her?
• Does he prioritize your marriage over his mother’s feelings?
• Does he communicate directly with her about issues?
• Does he validate your experiences and feelings?

Many men struggle with guilt about disappointing their mothers or feel torn between two important relationships. However, marriage requires that spouses prioritize their partnership over their family of origin.

Strategies for Managing This Dynamic

1. Establish and Maintain Clear Boundaries

Define what behaviors you will and won’t accept, then consistently enforce those boundaries.

Effective boundaries might include:

• Requiring advance notice before visits
• Limiting phone call frequency or duration
• Establishing that certain topics are off-limits
• Protecting your private marital information
• Requiring direct communication rather than triangulation

2. Present a United Front

You and your husband must operate as a team when dealing with his mother.

This means:

• Discussing issues privately before addressing them
• Supporting each other publicly
• Making decisions together about family involvement
• Not allowing her to drive wedges between you
• Backing each other up when boundaries are tested

3. Try Understanding Her Perspective

While not excusing bad behavior, understanding underlying insecurities can help you respond more effectively.

Consider:

• What fears might be driving her behavior?
• What needs is she trying to meet inappropriately?
• How might she be experiencing this transition?
• What past experiences might inform her current behavior?

This understanding can guide more effective communication strategies.

4. Communicate Directly and Compassionately

When possible, address issues directly with your mother-in-law rather than through your husband.

Effective communication includes:

• Speaking calmly and respectfully
• Using “I” statements about your feelings
• Being specific about problematic behaviors
• Expressing desire for a positive relationship
• Listening to her perspective
• Finding common ground when possible

According to Clinical Hypnotherapist and Family Expert Keya Murthy, the way to handle a jealous mother-in-law is to be blunt, open, and frank. “The way to win an enemy is not through aggression or flattery but communication. Talk to her and include her on occasional family outings.”

5. Include Her Appropriately

Sometimes possessive behavior stems from feeling excluded or replaced. Strategic inclusion can reduce tension.

Ways to include her:

• Inviting her to occasional activities (on your terms)
• Sharing appropriate updates about your lives
• Acknowledging important dates and occasions
• Expressing appreciation for positive contributions
• Treating her as a valued family member (when appropriate)

“When you marry a person, you marry into the family. A jealous mother-in-law is an insecure woman. Do what you can to make her feel secure while maintaining your boundaries. Be friends, do your best, and forget the rest. When you fuss too much over her, you give her more power,” says Murthy.

6. Protect Your Mental Health

Don’t sacrifice your wellbeing trying to fix this relationship.

Self-care strategies:

• Limit exposure when necessary
• Seek support from friends or therapy
• Maintain your own identity and interests
• Don’t internalize her criticism
• Remember this reflects her issues, not your worth

7. Know When to Step Back

Despite your best efforts, some relationships remain toxic. It’s okay to minimize contact or establish significant distance if the relationship consistently damages your wellbeing or marriage.

When Professional Help Is Needed

Consider seeking professional support if:

• The situation is causing significant marital conflict
• Your mental health is suffering
• Boundary violations continue despite clear communication
• The behavior escalates rather than improves
• You need help developing effective strategies
• Your husband struggles to set appropriate boundaries

Family therapists specializing in in-law dynamics can provide valuable tools and perspective.

Red Flags That Require Immediate Action

Some behaviors cross the line from difficult to dangerous:

• Threats or intimidation
• Attempts to turn your children against you
• Deliberate sabotage of your career or finances
• Spreading malicious lies that could cause real harm
• Stalking or harassment
• Physical aggression

These situations may require legal intervention, complete no-contact, or other protective measures.

Key Takeaways

Warning signs of possessive mother-in-law behavior:

1. Boundary violations
2. Time monopolization
3. Behind-the-back communication
4. Triangulation
5. Creating marital distance
6. Conflict creation
7. Plan sabotage
8. Social exclusion
9. Chronic stress creation
10. Reputation damage
11. Inadequacy messages
12. Constant criticism

Remember:

• Your marriage must be your priority
• You cannot fix this alone—your husband must be involved
• Boundaries protect your relationship
• Not all mother-in-law relationships can be healthy
• Your wellbeing matters
• Professional help is available
• You deserve respect in your own family

Navigating a difficult mother-in-law relationship requires patience, clear communication, firm boundaries, and a united partnership with your spouse. While some relationships improve with time and effort, others may require significant distance for your marriage to thrive.

Your relationship with your husband is the foundation—protect it, nurture it, and don’t allow anyone, including his mother, to undermine what you’ve built together.

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Disclaimer: This article provides general guidance based on common relationship patterns. Individual situations vary significantly, and professional counseling may be beneficial for navigating complex family dynamics.

Digital Help

Individuals with narcissistic traits often display specific texting habits that mirror their personality characteristics and communication style. Let’s explore some commonly observed text behaviors linked to narcissism:

1. Abundance of Messages during Idealization: In the initial stages of a relationship or during the ‘love-bombing’ phase, narcissists tend to flood your inbox with frequent, complimentary, and intense messages. This strategy aims to captivate the recipient and foster a sense of closeness.
2. Ghosting or Imposing Silent Treatment: Narcissists may abruptly cease responding to texts, utilizing silence as a means of control or as a form of punishment. This behavior typically surfaces when they feel slighted, crave attention, or aim to manipulate the dynamics of the situation.
3. Inconsistent Response Patterns: The timing of their responses can be erratic, displaying a range from immediate replies to prolonged delays without an apparent reason. This inconsistency often leaves the recipient feeling uncertain and preoccupied with the unpredictable nature of the narcissist’s communication style.
4. Gaslighting and Manipulation: One common trait in texts from narcissists is manipulation. They often try to mess with your reality, shake your confidence, and make you doubt your memory or judgment. It’s like they’re playing mind games to control the situation.
5. Self-Centered Conversations: When you read their texts, you might notice a pattern – it’s all about them. Their interests, achievements, and problems take the spotlight, leaving little room for your needs or feelings. It’s like a one-way street where they’re the main character.
6. Sudden Mood Shifts: Dealing with a narcissist’s texts can feel like riding an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, they’re sweet and affectionate, and the next, they’re cold and aggressive. It’s like their mood is directly linked to how much attention and admiration they’re getting.
7. Passive-Aggressive or Sarcastic Remarks: Watch out for those subtle jabs and sarcastic comments. When they feel criticized or think they’re not getting the attention they deserve, narcissists may express their frustration through passive-aggressive behavior or sarcasm in their texts.
8. Lack of Empathy: Reading their messages might leave you feeling like something’s missing – genuine empathy. Narcissists often don’t show a real interest in your emotional state. Instead, their texts focus on their own experiences and feelings, leaving yours in the background. It’s like they’re not tuning into your emotional channel.
9. Triangulation: One common trick is involving third parties in text conversations. This could mean casually mentioning other people to stir up jealousy or unfavorably comparing the person to others, which is a tactic often used.
10. Demanding Attention: Some individuals expect instant responses and can get upset or even punitive if they don’t get the attention they feel they deserve within the timeframe they want.
11. Overwhelming with Messages: There are instances, especially during arguments or when trying to regain control, where a narcissist might flood the recipient with numerous texts, creating a sort of message avalanche.
12. Love Bombing after Conflict: Following a conflict or a period of silence, a narcissist might switch gears suddenly and send overly affectionate or flattering messages. This is a way to pull the person back in, like a charm offensive.

When faced with someone that resists your boundaries, these strategies may help.

• Good mental health requires boundaries—setting limits on what we do for others, and how much we’ll allow them to disrespect us.
• “Boundary-pushing” can involve ignoring or testing our boundaries, and trying to manipulate us into relaxing our boundaries.
• There are ways to uphold a boundary with little drama, even when facing a tenacious boundary pusher.

Setting boundaries with others is an important life skill. Sometimes we need to set limits on what we’re willing to do for someone else, or how much we’re willing to let someone takes advantage of us or mistreat us. A lack of healthy boundaries can harm our emotional, psychological, physical, or financial health and negatively impact our other relationships. Without good boundaries, we can enable unacceptable behavior by rewarding it.

Despite healthy boundary benefits, some of us have a troubled relationship with personal boundary-setting because we:

• Feel guilty about how our boundaries will affect others.
• Fear others’ anger, emotion, abandonment, or rejection.
• Feel selfish because we believe “good” people should sacrifice for others.
• Are empathic and want to relieve other peoples’ suffering.
• Are “people-pleasers” that want everyone to like us.
• Have low self-esteem and don’t think that what we want or need is as important as what others want or need.
• Don’t know how to effectively advocate for ourselves.

If you’re like me, having healthy boundaries took emotional work and practice, motivated by experiencing some of the costs I outlined earlier. I’m happy to report that I’m better at having healthy boundaries and most people accept my boundaries without conflict. But that’s not to say it’s easy, especially when I encounter the dreaded “boundary pusher.”

Boundary Pushers and the Things They Do

Boundary pushers come in a variety of forms and may be narcissistic, immature, entitled, selfish, privileged, desperate, clueless, or some combination. They want what they want, our boundaries be damned. They do things like:

• Flat out ignore our boundary.
• Test us to see if we mean it.
• Argue with our reasons for the boundary.
• Repeatedly request or expect unjustified rule-bending that’s unfair to others.
• Try to manipulate us into relaxing our boundary. They act like we’re unreasonable or mean and exaggerate their plight. They say things like, “It’s just this one time, I’ll never ask again.” If it’s unfair to others, they promise not to tell. They try to wear us down by asking repeatedly even after we’ve said “no.”

Countering Boundary Pushers

There’s a difference between boundary-pushing and legitimate requests for relaxing our boundaries. Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances. Compassionate people consider whether the situation calls for bending their boundaries. Likewise, wise people consider whether the benefits of asserting their boundaries are worth the potential costs. Some boundaries are more important than others.

If you conclude your boundary is worth standing up for, remind the “offender” of the boundary using a confident, well-modulated, matter-of-fact tone of voice. You might, very briefly, restate why you’re committed to the boundary if you think it will help, but keep it simple. Don’t over-explain. Then, change the subject or leave the situation. If your resolve is tested by a tenacious boundary pusher fruitless.

In today’s world of social media validation and self-promotion, distinguishing between healthy confidence and narcissistic behavior has become increasingly challenging. Understanding the warning signs of narcissism can help protect you from entering or remaining in harmful relationships.

Understanding Narcissism

Narcissism is characterized by excessive self-importance, a constant need for attention and admiration, and an inability to empathize with others. While narcissistic personality disorder is diagnosed more frequently in men, people of any gender can exhibit narcissistic traits even without meeting full diagnostic criteria.

Types of Narcissism

There are two primary manifestations: grandiose narcissism, where individuals constantly seek the spotlight and discuss themselves, and vulnerable narcissism, marked by insecurity and heightened sensitivity to criticism.

Narcissistic vs. Domestic Abuse

While domestic abuse involves control through fear and violence, narcissistic abuse operates through manipulation and emotional control. This form of abuse can be more subtle and harder to identify, making it particularly insidious.

According to research, approximately one in three women experience domestic abuse in their lifetime, affecting roughly 1.6 million women aged 16-74 in the United States alone.

Recognizing Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical marks but can be equally damaging. Watch for these patterns:

• Constant criticism, name-calling, or humiliation
• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
• Threats and intimidation
• Attempts to control your activities, relationships, or emotions
• Efforts to isolate you from support systems
• Making you feel worthless or dependent

12 Warning Signs of a Narcissist

1. Self-Centered Conversation

Narcissists dominate conversations by constantly talking about themselves to appear impressive.

2. Attention-Seeking Behavior

They consistently position themselves as the focal point, interrupting others and making grandiose statements to maintain centrality.

3. Validation Dependency

They constantly seek external validation through compliments and attention.

4. Manipulation and Control

Skilled manipulators, narcissists use flattery, charm, or coercion to achieve their goals and control others.

5. Empathy Deficit

Unable to understand or share others’ feelings, narcissists lack compassion and cannot see situations from another’s perspective. This fundamental inability to empathize often leads them to hurt others emotionally and sometimes physically.

6. Jealousy

Narcissists envy your success, relationships, and happiness, feeling threatened by your joy and attempting to diminish it.

7. Dismissiveness

They disregard opinions and feelings that don’t align with their worldview, showing interest only in those who reflect their perceived greatness.

8. Hypercritical Nature

Quick to judge others while rejecting criticism themselves, narcissists belittle people to feel superior. Their competitive nature drives them to constantly one-up others.

9. Entitlement Mindset

Believing they deserve special treatment, narcissists expect others to cater to their needs while refusing to reciprocate.

10. Avoiding Responsibility

Narcissists blame inexperience, naivety, or ignorance for their behavior but never accept personal responsibility. When confronted, they redirect blame onto you, claiming all credit for successes while accepting no blame for failures.

11. Infallibility Complex

Narcissists refuse to admit being wrong and will lie or manipulate facts to maintain their position.

12. Inducing Self-Doubt

Relationships with narcissists create an environment where you constantly second-guess yourself, even when you’re confident in your position.

Understanding Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic where narcissists make you question your own reality and memory. They might deny saying things they said or claim you said things you didn’t. This emotional abuse technique undermines your confidence and makes you doubt your perceptions.

Protecting Yourself from Gaslighting

If you’re experiencing gaslighting:

1. Recognize the pattern – Awareness is the first step toward protecting yourself
2. Build a support network – Maintain connections with trusted friends and family who can provide reality checks
3. Establish firm boundaries – Create clear limits about acceptable behavior and stand firm when the narcissist pushes back

Be prepared for negative reactions when setting boundaries, as narcissists often respond with anger or attempts to change your mind.

Biblical Perspective on Love

First Corinthians describes love as patient, kind, not jealous, not boastful or arrogant – essentially the opposite of narcissistic behavior. While healthy love involves compassion, kindness, and sacrifice, narcissistic love demands attention while rarely extending genuine care to others.

Can Narcissists Change?

While narcissists can control their behavior, they typically lack motivation to change since their actions successfully meet their needs. Narcissistic personality disorder is challenging to treat because those with NPD don’t believe anything is wrong, resulting in no desire for therapy or change.

Taking Action

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, seeking professional help is crucial. Resources are available through domestic violence hotlines and mental health professionals who specialize in narcissistic abuse recovery.

Remember: recognizing narcissistic behavior early can help you make informed decisions about your relationships and protect your emotional well-being. You deserve to be in relationships where you’re valued, respected, and treated with genuine care.

KEY POINTS:

Parents may attribute their child’s mental health symptoms to phases of adolescence.

Society often holds rigid gender stereotypes that expect boys to be tough.

We dismiss boys’ actions that don’t fit the narrow definition of what it means to be a “real man.”

Here are a few phrases that I have heard from parents and professionals to excuse atypical behaviors of boys:

“Boys will be boys.”

“Give him more time.”

“All boys do this.”

“Boys are supposed to be rough.”

“He is too young.”

That’s Just How Boys Are

No, it is not, which is my response when discussing the atypical behaviors seen in boys. While behaviors in boys vary depending upon the child, some atypical patterns of behavior negatively impact their social-emotional, language and communication, cognitive, and motor and physical development.

When these behaviors go unaddressed, boys may become more emboldened or continue with actions that disrupt their relationships or environments. This potentially enables negative behavior both in the short term and long term and can cause several consequences, including perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes, discouraging accountability, and hindering personal development.

When a boy’s maladaptive behaviors are merely excused, they may not learn the consequences of their actions. This lack of consequences can hinder their ability to take responsibility for their choices as they grow older.

Parents frequently share with me that when reporting their concerns about their boys’ abnormal behaviors, they were dismissed by professionals and told, “That’s just how boys are.” Parents feel helpless when this happens, yet they also start to accept that the behaviors they believed were odd were considered normal.

Thus, they wait to see if they improve on their own. This causes delays in appropriate interventions, such as psychological or educational testing, early childhood interventions, and therapy.

I am diagnosing many older children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) because their deficits in social communication, social interaction, and restricted and repetitive behaviors were dismissed by other professionals. These parents first reported symptoms when their boys were toddlers.

Ignoring Boy’s Behaviors

On the other hand, some parents excuse atypical behaviors in their boys, often referring to those behaviors as “boys will be boys” for various purposes. What is considered “normal” behavior for boys from parents varies depending on individual personalities, cultural and societal expectations, personal beliefs, and historical factors.

However, here are the most common reasons that I have found about why parents equate “boy behavior” as “normal” based on my experiences:

Fear of Diagnosis: Some parents may worry that a mental health diagnosis will label their child or negatively impact their future.

Misunderstanding: Parents may attribute their child’s mental health symptoms to phases of adolescence, moodiness, or typical teenage behavior.

Stigma: There is still a significant stigma around mental health issues in many societies.

Socialization: From an early age, children are socialized to conform to societal norms.

Gender Stereotypes: Society often holds rigid gender stereotypes that expect boys to be tough, independent, and unemotional.

Misconceptions about Masculinity: Some people mistakenly associate traditional masculinity with the suppression of certain emotions or behaviors, leading to the dismissal of boys’ actions that don’t fit this narrow definition of what it means to be a “real man.”

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Boys Need Help Too

Boys do need help and support, just like individuals of any gender. It is crucial to recognize that boys can face various challenges and difficulties throughout their lives, including issues related to mental health, education, relationships, and personal development.

Promoting awareness, understanding, and support for boys is an important part of creating a more equitable and compassionate society.

When parents express their concerns about unusual behaviors in their boys, take them seriously. It is just as essential to stop the “gender bias” and “gender stereotyping” that are often used to excuse the negative behaviors of boys.

Ignoring negative behaviors in boys causes several problems: Behaviors escalate, it negatively impacts their social relationships, and it can cause academic problems. Instead of overlooking atypical behaviors in boys, do this:

Identify and address problematic behavior early and constructively.

Be honest about your child’s behaviors.

Create clear expectations and boundaries, and use positive discipline strategies.

Reduce the stigma surrounding seeking help.

Create an environment that encourages them to communicate their thoughts and feelings.

Observe behaviors and note when and where they occur. Collect information to help you better understand the context and triggers.

To gather your data based on your observations, use the journal I created for parents called It’s About Time! For A Parenting Journal. It is an easy way to keep track of your son’s behavioral history. Bring this documentation with you to share with professionals involved with his care.

In addition, to stop thinking that boys do not need help, take several steps to challenge and change your perspective:

Challenge Your Beliefs: Reflect on your biases regarding gender and help-seeking behavior. Be open to changing your perspective as you learn more.

Educate Yourself: Begin by learning about the challenges and issues that boys and men may face in various aspects of life, including mental health, education, relationships, and societal expectations.

Promote Gender Equality: Support and advocate for gender equality and equal opportunities for all individuals, regardless of gender.

Advocate for Mental Health Awareness: Promote mental health awareness and reduce stigma.

Listen and Learn: Engage in conversations with boys and men in your life. Listen to their experiences, feelings, and concerns.

Remember that recognizing and addressing the needs of boys ensures that they receive the support and resources needed to thrive and lead healthy, fulfilling lives. Encouraging open dialogue, providing access to mental health services, and challenging traditional gender stereotypes can go a long way in ensuring that atypical behavior is addressed early so they can thrive and reach their full potential.

Education:

• Bachelor of Arts, Psychology
• Master of Science, Psychology, Major – School
• Doctor of Philosophy (Ph.D.) Clinical Psychology, Child & Adolescent

My Story:

• I have over 25 years of experience in the field of psychology. To create this blog and share it publicly was not an easy decision. However, it has been three years since I started this blog, and I still have a lot more to discuss about my experiences and  “psychology secrets.”

Her website: Dr. Lisa Liggins-Chambers

The question of whether narcissists can experience genuine love has puzzled relationship experts, mental health professionals, and countless individuals who’ve found themselves entangled with narcissistic partners. The answer, as with most aspects of human psychology, is more nuanced than a simple yes or no.

Understanding Narcissism: A Spectrum, Not a Switch

Before examining whether narcissists can love, we need to understand that narcissism exists on a continuum. At one end are individuals with healthy self-confidence and occasional narcissistic traits—qualities most people display from time to time. At the other end lies Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a clinical diagnosis affecting approximately 0.5 to 5 percent of adults.

This distinction matters tremendously. Someone with narcissistic traits but not full NPD may be quite capable of forming loving, reciprocal relationships. However, those diagnosed with NPD face fundamental challenges that prevent them from experiencing love the way most people understand it.

The Narcissist’s Version of “Love”

When narcissists say “I love you,” they often mean something fundamentally different from what others mean. Mental health professionals describe narcissistic love as transactional, conditional, and ultimately self-serving. Rather than falling in love with an actual person—with all their complexities, flaws, and authentic qualities—narcissists become infatuated with an idealized fantasy of who they want their partner to be.

During the initial stages of a relationship, this can feel incredibly intense and intoxicating. The narcissist engages in what experts call “love bombing”: overwhelming displays of affection, constant attention, grand gestures, and declarations of finding their soulmate. This isn’t manipulation for manipulation’s sake—the narcissist genuinely believes they’ve found perfection. The problem is that they’ve fallen in love with their own projection, not with a real human being.

Why Narcissists Struggle with Genuine Love

The inability to truly love stems from several core deficits associated with NPD. The most significant barrier is a lack of empathy—the capacity to understand and share another person’s feelings. Empathy forms the foundation of authentic love, allowing us to care about someone else’s wellbeing as much as our own. Without it, relationships become fundamentally one-sided.

Narcissists also view relationships through a transactional lens. They see people as tools or objects that serve specific purposes: boosting self-esteem, providing admiration, enhancing their image, or meeting their needs. When someone no longer fulfills these functions adequately, they’re devalued or discarded. This utilitarian approach contradicts the essence of love, which values another person for who they are, not what they provide.

Additionally, narcissists struggle with emotional vulnerability. Genuine love requires the ability to be seen authentically, to admit mistakes, and to allow another person to matter enough that they could hurt us. For narcissists, who’ve often constructed elaborate defenses to protect a fragile ego, this level of vulnerability feels impossibly threatening.

The Relationship Cycle: Idealize, Devalue, Discard

Understanding the typical narcissistic relationship pattern illuminates why these connections feel so confusing. The cycle typically unfolds in three stages.

The idealization phase begins with that intense love bombing. The narcissist puts their partner on a pedestal, showering them with attention and making them feel uniquely special. This phase can last weeks or months, creating powerful emotional bonds and setting expectations for how the relationship will continue.

Inevitably, reality intrudes. The partner reveals human flaws, has needs of their own, or fails to maintain the impossible standard of perfection the narcissist projected onto them. This triggers the devaluation phase, where criticism, contempt, and emotional withdrawal replace the earlier adoration. The partner finds themselves constantly trying to recapture that initial magic, unaware that it was always based on an illusion.

Finally, when the relationship no longer serves the narcissist’s needs, they move to the discard phase—sometimes abruptly ending things or emotionally checking out while maintaining the relationship’s shell.

Can Narcissists Change?

This question matters deeply to those hoping their narcissistic partner might somehow transform. While change is theoretically possible, it’s exceptionally rare for several reasons.

People with NPD rarely seek treatment voluntarily because the disorder prevents them from recognizing problems with their own behavior. They’re more likely to blame relationship failures on their partners’ inadequacies than examine their own patterns. Even when narcissists do enter therapy—often due to external pressure or consequences—the very traits that define NPD make therapeutic progress extremely difficult.

Treatment requires developing empathy, accepting responsibility, tolerating uncomfortable emotions, and working through deep-seated defense mechanisms built over decades. This demands sustained effort, humility, and genuine motivation to change—qualities that conflict with the narcissistic mindset.

Recognizing Your Reality

If you’re questioning whether your partner is capable of loving you, that question itself often reveals important truths. In healthy relationships, partners generally feel secure in their love, even during conflicts. The constant uncertainty, the feeling of walking on eggshells, the cycles of euphoria and devastation—these signal that something fundamental is amiss.

Some signs you may be in a relationship with a narcissist include feeling like you’re never quite good enough, having your reality constantly questioned or dismissed, experiencing extreme highs and lows with little middle ground, feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions and self-esteem, and finding that conversations always circle back to your partner’s needs and perspectives.

Moving Forward

Understanding that someone with NPD cannot love in the traditional sense isn’t about demonizing them. Many narcissists experienced developmental trauma or attachment disruptions that shaped their defensive patterns. However, compassion for their struggles doesn’t obligate you to remain in a relationship that damages your wellbeing.

If you recognize narcissistic patterns in your relationship, consider working with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery. They can help you understand the dynamics at play, establish healthy boundaries, and make informed decisions about your future.

The more important question might not be whether narcissists can love, but whether the kind of conditional, self-serving affection they offer meets your needs and supports your emotional health. You deserve a relationship where you’re valued for who you truly are, not who someone fantasizes you could be. That’s not negotiable, and it’s not asking too much—it’s the foundation of genuine love.

When your partner thinks of you as an accessory, not an intimate, you might be dealing with a narcissist wife.

Narcissists view partners not as people, but symbols of relational success.

There are ways to evaluate the pursuit of true love or self-love.

Narcissists reveal their true motives through how they define “quality time” with you.

Are you dating someone who can’t pass a mirror without sneaking a peak at a polished appearance, or never misses an opportunity to showcase accomplishments or achievements? If you suspect you are dating a narcissist, and especially if “date nights” consist of see-and-be-seen galas and functions instead of private time together, you might justifiably worry that your partner views you as an arm charm, not as an intimate.

Narcissists not only see current partners as trophies—as I have explained in a previous entry[i]—but keep trophies from past relationships. They keep inanimate objects associated with past relationships, not out of nostalgia but as symbols of relational success.[ii] If you suspect you are dating someone with narcissistic tendencies, does that mean you are a trophy, too? Research has some answers.

Source: Image by Living Frames from Pixabay

Narcissists Navigate Partner Value

Not everyone who displays self-centered tendencies is a narcissist—either practically or clinically. But dater beware: some charming and attractive people who display narcissistic tendencies may pursue partners not out of true love, but self-love.

Carrie Haslam and V. Tamara Montrose (2015) in an article entitled “Should Have Known Better”[iii] discuss the strength of female attraction to the narcissistic personality, including wanting to mate with and marry self-absorbed partners. They define narcissism as a member of The Dark Triad, a trio of problematic personality types which also includes Machiavellianism and psychopathy. More prevalent in men than women, they note that narcissism includes traits such as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feelings of entitlement, vanity, self-sufficiency, and manipulation. They note that narcissists rank high in extraversion but low in agreeableness, which might contribute to how most of us perceive such individuals: flashy and fun at first impression, but bad news in the long term.

Haslam and Montrose explain that despite the negative qualities, narcissistic men also possess qualities linked with higher status and the ability to provide resources—traits that are desirable in both short and long-term mating scenarios. They also explain how narcissists choose partners.

Competing for the Trophy

In addition to reproductive benefits, narcissistic men select partners who will make them look good. Haslam and Montrose note that narcissists are attracted to individuals with high social status who can provide image enhancement by association. Combined with a lack of relational commitment, this desire to accessorize through attractive partners can create a scenario where narcissistic individuals are constantly looking for relational alternatives who are more attractive or higher in status.

In contemplating whether your partner pursued you out of love, attraction, or self-enhancement, here are a few factors to consider.

How to Evaluate Whether You Are a Partner or an Arm Charm?

Consider whether your paramour seeks to spend quality time with you or is more interested in showing you off. Healthy relationships are characterized by a desire to enjoy private time with a special person, not display a partner as a public symbol of success. If date nights consistently involve dinners at crowded, trendy restaurants or gala functions with paparazzi snapping photos for the local society column, you can justifiably conclude that motive matters.

Also, consider how your partner articulates your positive traits. Does he compliment you on your compassion or clothing? Your sensitivity or sense of style? Narcissists demonstrate they do not value you as a personal package if they are only focused on the shiny wrapping and bow, preferring flash over substance. Although you may be flattered by their positive attention, consider the motives behind the admiration.

One of the biggest and most obvious red flags is that a narcissist who sees you as a prize, not a person, is unlikely to express interest in learning about you. That means asking few if any personal questions, preferring superficial over serious. It is best to recognize the narcissistic personality sooner rather than later, to shake off the rose-colored glasses to see your way clearly to finding a relational alternative that values you as an individual, not an accessory.

References:

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[ii] Niemyjska, Aleksandra, Róża Bazińska, and Krystyna Drat-Ruszczak. 2020. “Hunting Lovers: Narcissists Keep Trophies from Their Past Relationships.” Personality and Individual Differences 163 (September). doi:10.1016/j.paid.2020.110060.

[iii] Haslam, Carrie, and V. Tamara Montrose. 2015. “Should Have Known Better: The Impact of Mating Experience and the Desire for Marriage upon Attraction to the Narcissistic Personality.” Personality and Individual Differences 82 (August): 188–92. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.03.032.

Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.