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Domestic violence hotlines in America receive an average of more than 20,000 phone calls each day. Now, with COVID-19 adding extra stressors to family systems, many cities have reported an increase in domestic violence incidents.

How to Help a Loved One Who is Being Abused?

Abuse crosses into all segments of society, with victims of every age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, religious affiliation, and socio-economic class. However, the abuse is more likely to turn deadly for female targets. In the U.S. alone, it’s estimated that at least 20 women each week are murdered by an intimate male partner.

Beyond the observable violence that shapes these statistics, Susannah Furr, a licensed clinical mental health counselor at Now Awake Now, who specializes in helping targets of narcissistic abuse, warns that not all abusive relationships have to turn physical to be deadly…

Many times, a psychological abuser can warp someone’s reality to such an extreme that the target becomes suicidal or turns to substance abuse to cope with the pain,” Furr says, noting this can be especially concerning when the target is isolated (a situation that has become more common due to the stay-at-home orders recently enacted in many communities).

“Whether physical or emotional, abuse can be extremely dangerous,” Furr explains. “It’s important that we respond appropriately when someone reaches out to us for help.”

If we haven’t survived an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to know what to say when a friend or family member confides in us about such a serious matter. We’ve put together 10 things to say (and not to say) to help guide a loved one to safety.

(NOTE: This article explores the most common scenario, using an example of a male abuser and a female target, but it’s important to note that anyone can be abusive and anyone can become a target.)

If you suspect someone may be in an unhealthy relationship:

1. Don’t say, “He seems like such a nice guy. I can’t believe he’d ever do anything like that.” Instead say, “What you’re telling me is concerning. Can you tell me more?” or, if you’ve noticed signs of trouble, let her know: “I have noticed the way he talks down to you, and I’ve never understood why he doesn’t want you to go to lunch with the girls.”
2. Don’t say: “Nobody’s perfect. What’d you do to make him mad?” Instead say, “We all make mistakes, but there’s a big difference between hurting someone by accident versus intentionally causing someone to suffer. Does he treat anyone else this way or just you? Does he behave that way in front of other people or just behind closed doors? Has he ever damaged his own belongings or just yours?”
3. Don’t say: “It takes two to argue.” Instead say, “It takes two to make a relationship work. What happens when you disagree? Does he threaten you? Has he hit, kicked, pushed, or choked you? Has he ever thrown anything at you, pulled your hair, threatened you with a weapon, or made you fear for your life? Has he ever road raged while you’re in the car with him? Has he ever hurt your pets or your children? Are you afraid of him?”
4. Don’t say: “Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do about it?” Instead say, “I may not know exactly how to help you, but we’ll figure it out together. Maybe we should call The Hotline and get some advice. Let’s use my phone, just to be safe.”
5. Don’t say: “Love counts no wrongs. You need to forgive and forget.” Instead say, “Forgiveness is important, but right now you need to focus on safety. You can forgive someone and even love someone from afar, all while keeping yourself safe from abuse.”
6. Don’t say: “God hates divorce.” Instead say, “I know it can be hard, especially in certain religious circles, to consider leaving your marriage. But your vows were broken when your husband chose to betray, abuse, and dishonor you. If he’s unwilling to work with you to save the marriage, then divorce is simply a legal way to acknowledge what he’s already done.”
7. Don’t say: “The past is the past. Can’t you just let it go?” Instead say, “Have there been any other incidents when you were afraid of him? How often does this happen? Is there anything that seems to keep the peace, or do you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells?”
8. Don’t say: “You should see a therapist.” Instead say, “I’ll do my best to help you work through this and together we can find the right resources to help us.”
9. Don’t say: “It can’t be that bad? If it is, then why don’t you just leave?” Instead say, “It must be incredibly difficult to know what to do. I know you love your partner, and I know it’s your nature to forgive and to find the good. I also know family is everything to you, and the wellbeing of your children is your top priority. Let’s try to picture what it would look like if you were able to leave. Can we put a plan into place, just in case it ever gets that bad?”
10. Don’t say: “Men will be men. He loves you deep down. He can’t help it. Everybody has a temper.” Instead say, “The truth is, there’s a big difference between unhealthy and healthy relationships, and we can’t make excuses for people’s abusive behaviors. Would you ever treat anyone the way he treats you? The world is full of healthy, mature, kindhearted men who would do anything to protect their families, not harm them. They communicate with words, not violence, and they’re secure enough to trust their partners, not control them. Let’s look at this chart that outlines the signs of domestic violence.”

You Can Make a Difference

In many cases, an abused target may not realize she’s in an unhealthy relationship, especially if it’s the only relationship she’s ever known.

“If she’s confiding in you, she may be trying to gauge whether or not she has reasons for real concern,” Furr says. “By compassionately asking the right questions, you can help her reason through to the truth of her situation. And by listening with an open heart, you can help her understand that no one deserves to be abused.”

Finally, tell her the abuse is not her fault and that you’ll help her through this long and painful journey. Then, stick with her. You may be the only one who does.

Need help for you or a loved one? In the U.S., call 1–800–799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline and find an interactive guide to safety planning here.

Mental Health

Domestic Violence

Key points:

• Positively responding to partner stress is valuable, particularly early in a relationship.
• Caring about a partner’s well-being signals caring, empathy, and relational investment.
• Partners who feel supported perceive higher relational quality.

Source: Image by Kiều Trường from Pixabay

Some couples are uniquely in tune with each other’s stress. Able to read each other like a mood ring, they are well-equipped to respond to negative emotion in a positive way—whether that’s offering affirmation, validation, or unconditional love. Research reveals the value of responding to a partner’s stressors—particularly early in the relationship.

Emre Selcuk et al. (2024) explored the benefit of affective response to partner stress in a piece entitled “My Partner Really Gets Me.” [i] They define affective reactivity as a personal increase in negative affect triggered by stressors suffered daily and note that it is associated with personal well-being.

Heightened affective reactivity has been linked with positive and negative health outcomes. Selcuk et al. acknowledge these outcomes include reduced psychological well-being, heightened risk of mortality, and an increased likelihood of affective disorders. Specific to their research, they note that recent studies have found greater affective reactivity to be associated with impaired relationship quality. Selcuk et al. sought to explore how the response of a partner could impact these outcomes.

Reacting to Partner Stress

Unlike prior research into the intrapersonal aspect of affective reactivity, Selcuk et al. focused on reactivity to partner stress, defined as “increases in negative affect in response to daily hassles experienced by one’s romantic partner.” They predicted that affective reactivity to partner stress would improve relationship quality as a sign of responsiveness through validation, understanding, and caring, reflecting an investment in understanding what a partner is experiencing and enhancing the partner’s assessment of relational quality.

Yet even within quality relationships, things change over time.

Building a Strong Foundation: New Romance

Selcuk et al. found a difference between the effectiveness of affective response in new couples compared to established couples. In fledgling couples, reactivity to partner stress positively predicted relationship quality, mediated by the partner’s perception of responsiveness. They also found that reactivity to partner stress helped to prevent a decline in relational quality over eight weeks in one study, and 13 months in another.

For the couples they studied, Selcuk et al. found that in terms of impact on relational quality, reactivity to partner stress diminished in the later stages of romantic relationships. For established couples, this reactivity did not directly impact relational quality over time. Selcuk et al. summarize their findings as a pattern of relational benefits in terms of well-being that appears to specifically benefit fledgling relationships.

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Sharing the Load: In Good Times and Bad

It is easy to enjoy the throes of romance within a relationship based on happiness, laughter, comfort, and ease. Introduce stress, however, and the dynamic shifts.

Selcuk et al. measured how partners perceived the impact of stress through recorded weekly perceptions of relationship quality. Although relationship quality declined on average over the eight weeks, persons with partners who exhibited higher reactivity to partner stress did not experience these declines. They note that these associations were, however, important for the impact of affective reactivity on one’s own stress.

Apparently, new partners have an opportunity to construct a solid foundation on which to build quality romantic relationships based on love, respect, and support through the way they respond to partner stress. Providing an environment of acceptance, empathy, and understanding can enhance relational quality in the short term and be a way of investing in relational quality in the future.

Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock

References

[i] Selcuk, Emre, Gul Gunaydin, Esra Ascigil, Deniz Bayraktaroglu, and Anthony D. Ong. 2024. “My Partner Really Gets Me: Affective Reactivity to Partner Stress Predicts Greater Relationship Quality in New Couples.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 126 (5): 895–912. doi:10.1037/pspp0000509.

There are many effective strategies to reduce your grocery costs. Here are some of the best hacks, from planning ahead to smart shopping habits:

1. Master Your Meal Planning and Lists

• Plan your meals: Before you shop, plan your meals for the week.¹ This ensures you only buy what you need and helps you use up ingredients you already have.²
• Shop your pantry first: Check your fridge, freezer, and pantry to see what ingredients you already have.³ Build your meal plan around those items to avoid buying duplicates and reduce food waste.⁴
• Make a list and stick to it: A detailed shopping list helps prevent impulse buys.⁵ Use a physical list or a digital app that can be shared with family members and even organize items by aisle for efficiency.
• Never shop hungry: This is a golden rule for a reason. Shopping on an empty stomach makes you more likely to throw extra items into your cart.⁶

2. Shop Smarter and Strategically

• Look for sales and deals: Check weekly flyers, store apps, and websites for special promotions.⁷ Plan your meals around what’s on sale.
• Buy seasonal produce: Fruits and vegetables are cheaper when they are in season because they are more readily available.⁸
• Compare unit prices: Don’t just look at the total price. Check the unit price (e.g., per ounce or pound) to see if a larger package is truly a better deal.
• Buy generic or store brands: Many store-brand items are made by the same companies as their name-brand counterparts but cost significantly less.⁹
• Shop the perimeter of the store: The freshest, most essential foods like produce, dairy, and meat are usually on the outer aisles. The center aisles often contain more processed, expensive foods.
• Look on the top and bottom shelves: Grocery stores often place the most expensive items at eye level.¹⁰ Scan the shelves above and below to find cheaper alternatives.
• Shop at different stores: No single store has the best prices on everything. Consider a circuit that includes big-box stores, discount chains (like Aldi or Lidl), and local ethnic markets, which often have better prices on produce and spices.
• Use loyalty programs and apps: Sign up for store loyalty cards to access member-only discounts.¹¹ Use cash-back apps and credit cards that offer rewards on grocery purchases.
• Consider a wholesale club membership: If you have a large family or can split purchases with a friend, a membership to a club like Costco or Sam’s Club can offer significant savings on bulk items.¹²

3. Change Your Cooking and Eating Habits

• Reduce food waste: Wasted food is wasted money.¹³ Meal prep, use leftovers, and learn how to properly store fresh food. For example, you can freeze meat that is nearing its expiration date.
• Buy whole foods: Pre-cut fruits and vegetables, shredded cheese, and prepared meals are more expensive for the convenience.¹⁴ Buy whole ingredients and do the prep work yourself.
• Incorporate more plant-based proteins: Proteins like beans, lentils, and tofu are often much cheaper than meat and are great for your health and wallet.¹⁵
• Make your own staples: Instead of buying pre-made items, consider making your own coffee, bread, or sauces. This can be more economical and healthier.
• Buy in bulk (with caution): Bulk buying can be a huge money saver for non-perishable items you use frequently, but only if you will use it all before it goes bad.¹⁶

4. Understand When to Shop

• Mid-week is often the best time for sales: Many grocery stores release their new weekly ads on Wednesday. This means that if you shop on a Wednesday, you can often “double dip” and find some items that are still on sale from the previous week’s ad, in addition to the new deals.
• Look for manager markdowns: You’ll often see these stickers on meat, dairy, and produce that are close to their expiration date. These can offer significant savings and are perfect for items you plan to cook or freeze immediately.
• Take advantage of holiday clearance: Stock up on deeply discounted seasonal items like candy after holidays such as Halloween and Christmas.¹⁷
• Learn the sale cycles: Items often go on sale in a predictable 6-8 week cycle.¹⁸ Pay attention to the sale flyers to know when to stock up on your family’s favorite items.

Getting Better Sleep: A Practical Guide to Rest and Rejuvenation

Sleep is the cornerstone of good health. It’s the time when your body and brain recharge, process the day’s information, and consolidate memories (Source 5.1). Yet, in our fast-paced world, many of us struggle to get the rest we need. The good news is that adopting a few simple habits, often referred to as “sleep hygiene,” can dramatically improve your sleep quality and overall well-being.

1. The Power of Routine: Consistency is Key

Your body has an internal clock, known as the circadian rhythm, which works best when it’s kept on a consistent schedule. Going to bed and waking up at the same time every day, even on weekends, helps regulate this clock and makes it easier to fall asleep and wake up feeling refreshed (Source 1.2).

• Establish a Relaxing Bedtime Ritual: Dedicate the last 30 to 60 minutes before bed to a wind-down routine (Source 2.3). This could include reading a book (not on a screen!), taking a warm bath, listening to soothing music, or practicing gentle stretches. This signals to your body that it’s time to transition from wakefulness to sleep.
• Avoid Stimulants: Steer clear of caffeine and nicotine, especially in the afternoon and evening, as they are stimulants that can interfere with your sleep cycle (Source 2.4).
• Limit Alcohol: While alcohol may initially make you feel sleepy, it can disrupt your sleep patterns later in the night, leading to more frequent awakenings (Source 2.2).

2. Optimize Your Environment: Transform Your Bedroom into a Sanctuary

The physical space where you sleep plays a major role in how well you rest. By creating an ideal sleep environment, you can minimize distractions and encourage your body to relax.

• Keep it Cool, Dark, and Quiet: Most experts agree that the ideal temperature for sleep is between 60 and 67 degrees Fahrenheit (15.6 and 19.4 degrees Celsius) (Source 3.3). Use blackout curtains or an eye mask to block out light, as darkness promotes melatonin production. Earplugs can help muffle distracting sounds (Source 3.1).
• Use Soothing Sounds: While a quiet environment is often best, some people find that certain sounds help them fall asleep. A white noise machine can help mask disruptive noises like traffic or noisy neighbors. Others may prefer ambient sounds like nature sounds or calming music to create a more peaceful atmosphere (Source 3.4).
• Choose the Right Bedding: Your mattress and pillows should be comfortable and supportive. A good pillow can prevent neck pain and headaches, contributing to a more restful night (Source 3.3).
• Remove Screens: The blue light emitted from phones, tablets, and computers can suppress the production of melatonin, making it harder to fall asleep (Source 2.2). Make a habit of putting all electronic devices away at least an hour before bed.

3. The Role of Lifestyle: Diet and Exercise

What you do during the day has a direct impact on your ability to sleep at night. A healthy diet and regular physical activity are two of the most effective ways to promote good sleep.

• Exercise Regularly: Consistent physical activity can significantly improve sleep quality and even help reduce the symptoms of sleep problems like insomnia (Source 4.1). However, be mindful of timing. Avoid intense workouts too close to bedtime, as the increase in stress hormones can make it difficult to wind down (Source 2.4).
• Watch What You Eat: A balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and fiber has been linked to better sleep. Avoid heavy meals, spicy foods, and large amounts of liquid right before bed, as digestion can interfere with sleep (Source 4.3). If you’re hungry, opt for a light, healthy snack.

By integrating these practices into your daily life, you can take control of your sleep health. Getting a good night’s rest is not a luxury—it’s a necessity for your physical and mental well-being.

Citations

• Source 1.2: About Sleep – CDC
• Source 2.3: Mastering Sleep Hygiene: Your Path to Quality Sleep – Sleep Foundation
• Source 2.4: 13 healthy sleep habits | MD Anderson Cancer Center
• Source 3.1: Sleep tips: 6 steps to better sleep – Mayo Clinic
• Source 3.3: How to Make a Sleep-Friendly Bedroom – National Sleep Foundation
• Source 4.1: The Connection Between Diet, Exercise, and Sleep – Sleep Foundation
• Source 4.3: Nutrition and Sleep: Diet’s Effect on Sleep – Sleep Foundation
• Source 5.1: Sleep Matters: The Impact Of Sleep On Health And Wellbeing | Mental Health Foundation

Self-hatred can stem from a complex mix of emotional, psychological, social, and environmental factors. Here are some of the most common causes:

The Roots and Signs of Self-Hatred

Self-hatred doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s often born from a combination of negative experiences, such as childhood trauma, emotional neglect, harsh criticism, or societal pressure to be perfect. These experiences can lead you to internalize a narrative that you are the problem, not the circumstances.

How to Overcome Self-Hatred?

Self-hatred is a deep, painful feeling of worthlessness that can dominate your thoughts and actions. It’s more than just low self-esteem; it’s a pervasive belief that you are inherently flawed, unlovable, and deserving of contempt. While it can feel isolating, it’s a common experience that can be healed with compassion and consistent effort. This guide will help you understand the roots of self-hatred, recognize its signs, and provide you with actionable steps toward building a foundation of self-compassion and self-worth.

Signs to Look For:

Constant Negative Self-Talk: This is the inner critic on overdrive, constantly pointing out flaws and mistakes. You might find yourself using phrases like “I’m so stupid,” or “I always mess everything up.”

Perfectionism and Fear of Failure: You set impossibly high standards for yourself, and any outcome short of perfect confirms your belief that you are not good enough. This often leads to procrastination or avoiding new challenges altogether.

Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: You may unconsciously undermine your own success or happiness, believing that you don’t deserve good things. This can show up in relationships, career choices, or personal goals.

Social Isolation:

You pull away from friends and family, convinced that they will eventually see the “real” you and reject you. This reinforces your belief that you are unworthy ofconnection.

A Path to Healing: Practical Steps

Overcoming self-hatred is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience and kindness toward yourself. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin the healing process.

1. Practice Self-Compassion
   Self-compassion is the antidote to self-hatred. It is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. When the inner critic attacks, consciously replace its words with compassionate ones. For example, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid for doing that,” try replacing it with, “That was a difficult situation, and I did my best with what I had at the time.”
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
   Your thoughts are not facts. A key step in overcoming negative thoughts is to question them. When a negative thought arises, ask yourself: “Is this thought 100% true? What is the evidence for it? What is a more balanced or realistic way of looking at this?” This practice helps you break the cycle of automatic negative thinking.
3. Reclaim Your Power by Setting Boundaries
   A core component of self-hatred is the belief that your needs don’t matter. By learning to say “no” and setting firm boundaries with others, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that your time, energy, and emotional well-being are valuable. This is a crucial step in building self-respect.
4. Separate Your Actions from Your Identity
   You are not your mistakes. Everyone makes them. Instead of labeling yourself as “a failure,” focus on the specific action. For example, instead of saying, “I am a failure because I didn’t get that job,” say, “I didn’t get that job, but I learned a lot from the interview process that I can use next time.” This distinction helps you learn and grow without compromising your self-worth.
5. Seek Professional Support
   If self-hatred is impacting your ability to function or find joy, seeking professional help is a brave and important step. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore the root causes of your feelings and provide personalized strategies for healing. You are not alone, and there is no shame in reaching out for help.

Healing from self-hatred is a testament to your resilience. It’s a continuous process of unlearning old habits and consciously choosing kindness. Each small act of self-compassion is a step toward building a new, healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you deserve to feel worthy of love and happiness.

Signs to Look For:

• Constant Negative Self-Talk: This is the inner critic on overdrive, constantly pointing out flaws and mistakes. You might find yourself using phrases like “I’m so stupid,” or “I always mess everything up.”
• Perfectionism and Fear of Failure: You set impossibly high standards for yourself, and any outcome short of perfect confirms your belief that you are not good enough. This often leads to procrastination or avoiding new challenges altogether.
• Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: You may unconsciously undermine your own success or happiness, believing that you don’t deserve good things. This can show up in relationships, career choices, or personal goals.
• Social Isolation: You pull away from friends and family, convinced that they will eventually see the “real” you and reject you. This reinforces your belief that you are unworthy of connection.

A Path to Healing: Practical Steps

Overcoming self-hatred is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience and kindness toward yourself. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin the healing process.

1. Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the antidote to self-hatred. It is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. When the inner critic attacks, consciously replace its words with compassionate ones. For example, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid for doing that,” try replacing it with, “That was a difficult situation, and I did my best with what I had at the time.”

2. Challenge Negative Thoughts

Your thoughts are not facts. A key step in overcoming negative thoughts is to question them. When a negative thought arises, ask yourself: “Is this thought 100% true? What is the evidence for it? What is a more balanced or realistic way of looking at this?” This practice helps you break the cycle of automatic negative thinking.

3. Reclaim Your Power by Setting Boundaries

A core component of self-hatred is the belief that your needs don’t matter. By learning to say “no” and setting firm boundaries with others, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that your time, energy, and emotional well-being are valuable. This is a crucial step in building self-respect.

4. Separate Your Actions from Your Identity

You are not your mistakes. Everyone makes them. Instead of labeling yourself as “a failure,” focus on the specific action. For example, instead of saying, “I am a failure because I didn’t get that job,” say, “I didn’t get that job, but I learned a lot from the interview process that I can use next time.” This distinction helps you learn and grow without compromising your self-worth.

5. Seek Professional Support

If self-hatred is impacting your ability to function or find joy, seeking professional help is a brave and important step. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore the root causes of your feelings and provide personalized strategies for healing. You are not alone, and there is no shame in reaching out for help.

A Final Thought

Healing from self-hatred is a testament to your resilience. It’s a continuous process of unlearning old habits and consciously choosing kindness. Each small act of self-compassion is a step toward building a new, healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you deserve to feel worthy of love and happiness.

American Psychological Association. (2019). The Road to Resilience. Retrieved from

National Institute of Mental Health. (2023). Mental Health Information. Retrieved from

Mental Health Foundation. (2022). Why do people experience self-hate? Retrieved from

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. HarperCollins.

Confidence isn’t something you either have or you don’t. It’s a skill that can be built, piece by piece, just like any other. By using a few simple “hacks,” you can start to rewire your brain and behavior to feel more assured in any situation.

Here are a few strategies to help you build and maintain a confident mindset.

Hack 1: The “Power Pose”

Your body language doesn’t just reflect your confidence—it can also create it. Adopting a powerful stance for just a few minutes can actually change your brain chemistry, boosting feelings of control and reducing stress.

• The Pose: Stand tall with your feet shoulder-width apart, hands on your hips, chest out, and chin up. Think of a superhero.
• The Hack: Before a big meeting, a date, or any stressful event, go somewhere private (like a restroom stall) and hold this pose for two minutes. It’s a quick way to trick your brain into feeling more powerful.
• Source: While the original research on power posing and hormonal changes has faced some scrutiny due to replication issues, recent meta-analyses suggest that power poses can still have a small, positive effect on self-reported feelings of power and confidence. The core idea is that embodying a posture of power can lead to a shift in your mindset.

Hack 2: The “Small Wins” List

Confidence is built on a track record of success, no matter how small. When you’re feeling a lack of confidence, it’s often because you’re focusing on what you haven’t done instead of what you have.

• The Hack: At the end of each day, write down three small things you accomplished. It could be as simple as “made a healthy breakfast,” “replied to an important email,” or “went for a short walk.” This habit trains your brain to notice your successes and builds a positive momentum.
• Source: Psychologists often link self-confidence to the concept of self-efficacy, which is the belief in one’s ability to succeed in a specific situation. Achieving small, manageable goals and tasks builds this sense of self-efficacy, making you more persistent in the face of obstacles and more willing to try new things [2].

Hack 3: The “Challenge a Fear” Technique

Avoiding things you fear will only make you more afraid. The best way to build confidence is by proving to yourself that you are capable of handling a challenge.

• The Hack: Pick one small, manageable fear and face it head-on. If you’re afraid of public speaking, don’t sign up to give a TED Talk—just volunteer to speak up at a team meeting. If you’re shy about meeting new people, just commit to starting one new conversation. Success builds on success.

Hack 4: The “Negative Self-Talk Audit”

Our inner voice can be our biggest critic. The way we talk to ourselves has a huge impact on our confidence.

• The Hack: Become an observer of your thoughts. When you hear a negative thought, don’t try to fight it. Just acknowledge it and reframe it. For example, if you think, “I’m not good at this,” rephrase it to “This is a challenge, but I can learn how to do it.”
• Source: Research on mindfulness and self-talk shows a significant negative correlation between negative self-talk and trait mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness helps you to non-judgmentally observe your thoughts, which can reduce the impact of negative self-criticism and improve overall psychological well-being [3].

Hack 5: The “Dress for the Occasion” Mindset

How you present yourself to the world can influence how you feel internally. When you look good, you often feel good.

• The Hack: Don’t save your favorite outfits for special occasions. Wear something that makes you feel confident and capable, even if you’re just running errands. This is a subtle way to signal to yourself that you are worthy and prepared for success every day.

Hack 6: The “Fake It ‘Til You Make It” Method

Sometimes, the best way to feel confident is to act like you already are. This isn’t about being dishonest, but about adopting the behaviors and mindset of a confident person.

• The Hack: Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak clearly. Actively listen to others and contribute to conversations. By putting on the outward appearance of confidence, you can often trigger the internal feeling.
• Source: This concept is well-documented in psychology. By mimicking self-confidence, you can get through uncomfortable situations, which in turn widens your comfort zone. Over time, as you force your way through more of these situations, your genuine self-confidence will grow [2].

Hack 7: The “Smile More” Trick

Smiling is a powerful tool. It not only makes you seem more approachable to others but can also reduce stress and make you feel happier and more positive, which are key components of self-confidence.

• The Hack: Make a conscious effort to smile more throughout your day. Smile at people you pass on the street, at colleagues, or even at your own reflection. It’s a simple act with a big impact.

Hack 8: The “Gratitude” Habit

Confidence is often tied to a sense of self-worth. Focusing on what you’re grateful for—your strengths, your accomplishments, your support system—can remind you of your own value.

• The Hack: Take a few minutes each morning or evening to list three things you are grateful for. This practice helps shift your focus from self-doubt to self-appreciation.
• Source: Neuroscientific research shows that practicing gratitude can activate brain regions associated with reward, increasing the production of “feel-good” neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. This positive cycle of thinking helps reduce stress and build resilience, both of which are critical for confidence [4].

Additional Resources:

For more in-depth information and professional guidance on building self-confidence, consider exploring these resources:

• MindTools
• Psychology Today
• The School of Life

Citations:

[1] “Power Posing: Brief Nonverbal Displays Affect Neuroendocrine Levels and Risk Tolerance.” Psychological Science.

[2] “Self-Confidence: A Key to Success.” OKcollegestart.

[3] “Trait Mindfulness, Self-Compassion, and Self-Talk: A Correlational Analysis of Young Adults.” PMC.

[4] “The science of gratitude: How being thankful can actually change your brain.” IE University Center for Health & Well-Being.

Remember, building confidence is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself and celebrate every small step you take.

Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a simple and effective deep breathing technique that can help reduce stress, increase focus, and promote relaxation.

Definition of Box Breathing

Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a simple yet powerful technique that involves inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding again, all for equal lengths of time. This rhythmic breathing practice calms the mind, reduces stress, and enhances focus, making it a popular tool for relaxation.

Historical Background and Origins

The roots of box breathing can be traced back to ancient meditation practices, often used by monks and yogis to center their thoughts and promote mindfulness. Although its technique is quite straightforward, it’s been embraced by various cultures worldwide.

• Monastic Traditions: Used in Buddhism, helping monks maintain focus during meditation.
• Military Training: Adopted by military personnel for stress management and to enhance performance under pressure.

Just like a simple recipe passed down through generations, box breathing offers everyone a way to cultivate calmness in today’s fast-paced world.

Understanding Box Breathing

Components of Box Breathing

Box breathing consists of four key components, each contributing to its effectiveness in promoting relaxation and mental clarity. This technique can seem straightforward, yet the rhythm and duration are crucial to achieving the desired benefits:

• Inhale: Breathe in through the nose for a count of four.
• Hold: Retain the breath for another count of four.
• Exhale: Release the breath slowly through the mouth for four counts.
• Hold: Pause again for four counts before the next inhale.

These four steps create the “box” that gives the technique its name.

How Box Breathing Works?

The magic of box breathing lies in its ability to regulate the autonomic nervous system, which plays a critical role in managing stress responses. When practicing, the body shifts from a state of fight-or-flight to one of rest and digest.

• Increased Oxygen Flow: Promotes greater oxygenation of the blood, enhancing mental clarity.
• Reduced Heart Rate: Slowing down the breath naturally lowers heart rate, signaling the body to relax.
• Focus and Clarity: The structured nature of this practice allows the mind to focus sharply on the present moment.

Think of box breathing as a mental reset button — with each cycle, individuals can release tension and foster a sense of calm, readying themselves for whatever challenges lie ahead.

Benefits of Box Breathing

Physical Benefits

Box breathing offers a multitude of physical benefits that can significantly improve overall health. By engaging in this technique regularly, individuals can experience:

• Improved Respiratory Function: Enhances lung capacity and oxygen intake.
• Lower Blood Pressure: Induces relaxation, leading to decreased blood pressure levels.
• Enhanced Immune Function: Reduces stress-related illnesses by promoting a balanced state in the body.

Many users have reported feeling more energized and less fatigued after dedicating just a few minutes to box breathing.

Mental Health Benefits

The mental health advantages of box breathing are just as compelling. This practice can:

• Reduce Anxiety: Helps calm the mind and mitigate feelings of anxiety during stressful situations.
• Enhance Focus and Concentration: Clears the mental clutter, allowing for improved attention to tasks at hand.
• Promote Emotional Stability: Regular practice can contribute to a more balanced emotional state, providing tools for coping with life’s challenges.

For instance, a student preparing for exams found that incorporating box breathing into their routine not only helped reduce their nerves but also improved their focus. These benefits extend beyond immediate stress relief; over time, practitioners often find themselves more resilient in the face of life’s ups and downs.

Scientific Evidence and Research

Studies Supporting Box Breathing

The efficacy of box breathing is not just anecdotal; numerous studies have highlighted its benefits. Research shows that controlled breathing techniques like box breathing can lead to significant improvements in physiological and psychological health.

• Clinical Trials: Some studies conducted on military personnel have shown that practicing box breathing reduced stress and enhanced performance during high-pressure situations.
• Meta-Analyses: Reviews of multiple studies indicate that controlled breathing can aid in managing anxiety and depression, leading to improved overall mental wellbeing.

These findings suggest that box breathing is a valuable tool for managing stress, supported by empirical evidence.

Impact on Stress and Anxiety Levels

Box breathing has a profound impact on stress and anxiety levels, as confirmed by scientific research. Participants in studies focusing on this technique have experienced:

• Decreased Cortisol Levels: Research indicates that structured breathing can lower the production of cortisol, the stress hormone.
• Improved Heart Rate Variability (HRV): Increased HRV is associated with a healthier response to stress, which has been observed among regular box breathing practitioners.

For example, many individuals have shared experiences of using box breathing before presentations or important meetings, leading to greater calmness and confidence. The interplay of mind and body through this practice has been well-documented, emphasizing its role in enhancing emotional regulation.

How to Practice Box Breathing?

Step-by-Step Guide to Box Breathing

Practicing box breathing is quite simple and can be done almost anywhere. Here’s a quick step-by-step guide to get started:

1. Find a Comfortable Position: Sit or stand comfortably with a straight posture.
2. Inhale: Breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of four.
3. Hold: Retain your breath for four counts.
4. Exhale: Let the breath out gently through your mouth for four counts.
5. Hold: Pause and hold your breath again for another four counts.

Repeat this cycle for several minutes, focusing on the smooth rhythm of your breath. You’ll find that with practice, it becomes a naturally calming routine.

Tips for Incorporating Box Breathing into Daily Routine

Incorporating box breathing into your daily routine can be rewarding and beneficial. Here are some practical tips:

• Set Reminders: Use your phone to set daily reminders for practice sessions, ideally at a time when you feel stressed.
• Pair it with Other Activities: Blend box breathing with meditation or yoga — both enhance the benefits of the practice.
• Practice Before Key Events: Utilize box breathing before meetings, exams, or public speaking to manage anxiety effectively.

Individuals often share how simply taking five minutes to breathe before tackling the day’s tasks can significantly impact their mindset. By making box breathing a regular part of life, one can cultivate a profound sense of calm and focus.

Variations of Box Breathing Techniques

Alternate Nostril Breathing

Alternate nostril breathing, known as Nadi Shodhana in yoga, is a wonderful complement to box breathing. This technique promotes balance and relaxation through focused breath control.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Close your right nostril with your thumb and inhale through your left nostril for a count of four.
2. Close the left nostril with your ring finger and release your right nostril; exhale through the right nostril for a count of four.
3. Inhale through the right nostril for four counts.
4. Switch nostrils by closing the right nostril again and exhale through the left nostril for four counts.

By alternating breaths, practitioners often report enhanced clarity and peace of mind, much like the calming effects achieved through box breathing.

4-7-8 Breathing Technique

Another popular variation is the 4-7-8 breathing technique, developed by Dr. Andrew Weil. It’s particularly effective for promoting relaxation and sleep quality.

Steps to practice:

1. Inhale deeply through the nose for a count of four.
2. Hold the breath for a count of seven.
3. Exhale slowly through the mouth for a count of eight.

This method encourages a longer exhalation, which enhances relaxation and helps regulate stress levels. Many individuals find that integrating this technique into their evening routine aids in winding down after a hectic day.

Incorporating these variations can enrich one’s breathing practice, providing additional tools for stress management and promoting a deeper connection between body and mind.

Applications of Box Breathing

Use in Fitness and Sports Performance

Box breathing is increasingly recognized in fitness and sports circles for its effectiveness in enhancing performance. Athletes often leverage this technique to sharpen their focus and manage anxiety before competitions.

Key benefits include:

• Improved Endurance: Controlled breathing increases oxygen efficiency, helping athletes perform better over longer periods.
• Enhanced Focus: By centering the mind, box breathing allows athletes to concentrate on their technique and strategy.
• Stress Management: Before high-pressure events, athletes use box breathing to calm pre-competition jitters.

For example, many professional runners incorporate box breathing during warm-ups to arrive at the starting line with a clear mind and steady breath.

Role in Meditation and Mindfulness Practices

In the realm of meditation and mindfulness, box breathing serves as a foundational tool for cultivating awareness and tranquility. Practitioners often use it to deepen their meditation experience by anchoring their attention to the breath.

Benefits include:

• Enhanced Mindfulness: Focusing on each step of the breathing process fosters present-moment awareness.
• Stress Reduction: Regular practice can lead to long-term decreases in stress and anxiety levels.
• Emotional Regulation: Box breathing aids in navigating difficult emotions by creating a pause before reactions.

Many who meditate regularly find that starting with box breathing helps settle the mind and body, creating the perfect environment for deeper introspection and relaxation. By integrating this technique into fitness and mindfulness practices, individuals can harness its full potential, leading to both physical and mental breakthroughs.

Precautions and Considerations

Who Should Avoid Box Breathing

While box breathing can benefit many, certain individuals should approach this technique with caution or even avoid it altogether. These groups may include:

• People with Respiratory Issues: Individuals with conditions like asthma or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) should consult a medical professional before practicing.
• Those with Anxiety Disorders: For some, controlled breathing can initially amplify feelings of panic or anxiety. It’s crucial to proceed gradually, ideally with professional guidance.
• Pregnant Women: Due to changes in breathing patterns and oxygen needs, it’s advisable for pregnant women to seek medical advice before engaging in any intensive breathing exercises.

If you’re unsure whether box breathing is suitable for you, consider consulting a healthcare provider.

Potential Risks and Side Effects

Although box breathing is generally safe, there are potential risks and side effects that practitioners should be aware of:

• Dizziness: Extended periods of breath retention may lead to lightheadedness or dizziness due to decreased oxygen levels.
• Hyperventilation: If not done mindfully, rapid or irregular breathing patterns could induce hyperventilation, causing anxiety.
• Discomfort: Some individuals may experience discomfort or anxiety when focusing solely on their breath.

Listening to the body is essential. If you experience discomfort or any adverse effects during box breathing, it’s best to stop and seek guidance. Maintaining awareness of one’s limits is vital for a safe and beneficial practice, allowing box breathing to be a tool for wellness rather than a source of stress.

Personal Experiences and Testimonials

Stories of Individuals Benefiting from Box Breathing

Many individuals have shared inspiring stories about how box breathing transformed their lives. For instance, Jane, a busy executive, found herself overwhelmed with anxiety at work. After integrating box breathing into her routine, she noticed:

• Reduced Stress: She could tackle daunting presentations without feeling paralyzed by nerves.
• Greater Clarity: The technique helped her make decisions with greater confidence and focus.

Similarly, Tom, a competitive athlete, reported that box breathing improved his performance. By practicing it before each game, he learned to channel his nerves into positive energy, leading to better game outcomes.

Practical Tips from Experienced Practitioners

Experienced practitioners of box breathing often share useful tips to enhance the practice. Here are a few:

• Consistency is Key: Setting aside a specific time each day helps establish a lasting habit.
• Use Visualization: Some find that visualizing a box in their mind during the breathing process helps maintain focus.
• Start Slow: Beginners should practice for shorter durations, gradually increasing as they become more comfortable.

Many advocates of box breathing agree that these simple yet effective strategies can deepen the practice, allowing individuals to fully harness its benefits for stress management and emotional control. By learning from personal experiences, newcomers can embark on their journey with greater confidence and insight.

Conclusion

Recap of Box Breathing Benefits

In summary, box breathing is a powerful technique that offers a multitude of benefits, both physically and mentally. From enhancing focus and reducing anxiety to improving overall well-being, it’s a simple yet effective practice that anyone can incorporate into their routine. Key takeaway points include:

• Calmness and Clarity: Regular practice helps clear mental clutter.
• Physical Relaxation: It promotes better oxygen flow and lowers heart rates.
• Emotional Regulation: Practicing box breathing aids in managing stress and emotional responses.

Encouragement to Start Practicing Box Breathing

The beauty of box breathing lies in its accessibility — it requires no special equipment and can be practiced virtually anywhere. Encourage yourself to take the first step today. Start with just a few minutes, integrate it into your daily routine, and witness its transformative effects firsthand.

Whether you’re an athlete looking to enhance performance or simply seeking a moment of calm in a hectic day, box breathing can be your ally. Embrace this technique and open the door to a calmer, more focused you. You’ve got nothing to lose and so much to gain!

In today’s fast-paced world, stress is inevitable. However, staying calm under pressure is a skill that can be developed. Whether you’re dealing with a tough day at work, unexpected challenges, or overwhelming emotions, these simple yet effective hacks can help you regain your composure and maintain inner peace.

Instant Calm Hacks

1. Breathe Deeply – The 4-7-8 technique (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8) can quickly reduce anxiety by slowing the heart rate and promoting relaxation. This method is particularly effective before sleep or during moments of intense stress.
2. Splash Cold Water on Your Face – This activates the mammalian dive reflex, which slows the heart rate and redirects blood flow to vital organs, creating an instant calming effect.
3. Progressive Muscle Relaxation – Tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, starting from your toes and working upward, can help relieve physical tension that accumulates with stress.
4. Box Breathing – This technique, commonly used by Navy SEALs, involves inhaling for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds, exhaling for 4 seconds, and holding again for 4 seconds. It helps regulate the nervous system and improve focus under pressure.
5. Count Backwards – Counting down from 100 or by intervals (like 7s) engages your logical brain, distracting it from stressors and preventing panic from escalating.

Mindset Shifts for Calmness

6. Practice Gratitude – Listing three things you’re grateful for each day can shift your mindset from stress to positivity by fostering a sense of appreciation and reducing negative thinking.
7. Reframe the Situation – Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week, month, or year?” This helps put problems into perspective and prevents overreacting to minor setbacks.
8. Name Your Emotions – Simply labeling your emotions (“I feel anxious because…”) activates the rational part of your brain, reducing emotional overwhelm. Studies show that naming emotions can lower their intensity.
9. Use a Mantra – Repeating a calming phrase like “This too shall pass” or “I am in control of my emotions” reinforces a sense of stability and self-confidence.

Environmental Hacks

10. Listen to Soothing Sounds – Nature sounds, classical music, or white noise can help calm the mind. Studies indicate that binaural beats and 432 Hz music may help reduce stress and improve concentration.
11. Declutter Your Space – A cluttered environment can contribute to mental overload. Organizing your surroundings promotes mental clarity and reduces feelings of chaos.
12. Use Aromatherapy – Scents like lavender, chamomile, and peppermint have been shown to lower cortisol levels, the hormone responsible for stress. Using essential oils in a diffuser can create a more tranquil atmosphere.
13. Dim the Lights – Bright artificial light, especially from screens, can overstimulate the brain. Reducing brightness or using warm-toned lighting can signal your body to relax, especially before bedtime.

Daily Habits for Long-Term Calm

14. Exercise Regularly – Physical activity releases endorphins, the body’s natural stress relievers. Even a 10-minute walk can help improve mood and reduce anxiety.
15. Limit Caffeine & Sugar – High sugar and caffeine intake can cause energy crashes and jitteriness, exacerbating anxiety. Opting for herbal tea or water can help maintain a stable mood.
16. Stick to a Routine – A structured daily routine creates predictability, which helps reduce uncertainty-related stress. Morning and bedtime routines, in particular, can anchor your day.
17. Get Enough Sleep – Poor sleep increases stress and irritability. Practicing good sleep hygiene, such as avoiding screens before bed and keeping a consistent sleep schedule, can improve emotional regulation.
18. Spend Time in Nature – Just 10 minutes outdoors can lower cortisol levels and enhance mental clarity. Activities like hiking, gardening, or simply walking in a park can provide mental and emotional relief.

Final Thoughts

Staying calm isn’t about avoiding stress—it’s about managing it effectively. By incorporating these scientifically backed techniques into your daily routine, you can build emotional resilience and maintain inner peace even in the face of life’s challenges. Next time stress strikes, try one of these techniques and feel the difference!

Key points:

• Everyone’s relationship can use a boost. Knowing strategies to fix problems or prevent them is important.
• You can “do more” by working on the relationship or “demand less” by focusing on managing expectations.
• You can better appreciate what you have by focusing on the positives and what works well.

Source: Jennifer Murray/Pexels

When it comes to relationships, we tend to overcomplicate things.

We start wondering if this person is “the one” and if everything will remain perfect. Inevitably, reality falls short of our expectations. When we encounter problems, it can feel overwhelming. Or perhaps we start to feel adrift in love.

How will you deal with this? What should you do? You could read the scientific literature, go to counseling, or wade through all of the questionable relationship advice, hoping to uncover something useful.

It’s a lot to process, making you want to do nothing and hope for the best. While that may make you feel better temporarily, it’s not what will ultimately make your relationship better.

Ready for some good news? Relationship improvement is simpler than it may seem. It comes down to three basic strategies.

1. Do More

The “do more” types are the people who see a problem and attack it head-on. If you’re this type, you have difficulty just sitting there. Instead, you want to do something—anything. You want to dive in and devote the time and energy to fix what’s wrong. You like to be proactive by looking for what you can add or improve to address potential problems before they arise.

As Nicholas Sparks wrote in The Notebook, “So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day…” That’s OK. It’s natural and part of how people build strong relationships. The work makes it worth it. Here are a few ways to do more:

Doing more in bed: Here’s a fun one: Doing more sexually, particularly in terms of greater sexual/erotic variety, increases sexual arousal and desire (Morton & Gorzalka, 2015). More desire and arousal improve sexual satisfaction by counteracting familiarity and boredom, which helps minimize the potential for infidelity. Win-win.

The four-hour relationship: Doing more doesn’t have to be time-consuming. A week has 168 hours. Start by making your relationship a priority for four of those hours each week to see the benefits. To make that time even more impactful, have date nights featuring “N.I.C.E.” activities or those that are “new, interesting, challenging, and exciting.” Research shows that couples who do things together with those four qualities have better relationships (Aron et al., 2022).

Building relationship skills: Spend some of those four hours each week building your relationship skills. There are lots to choose from, but here are some of the best: communication, conflict resolution, how well you know your partner, how well you know yourself, life management, stress management, and sexual/romantic skills (Epstein et al., 2013). The good news is that most of these skills relate to self-improvement (i.e., you don’t need your partner’s help), which makes them easier to implement. Because they’re skills, it also means there is always room for improvement, so returning to them often is helpful. It’s worth the effort because research shows that the better you are at these skills, the better your relationship will be.

2. Demand Less

Don’t feel like you have the time or energy to add more to your already hectic life? Sometimes the answer isn’t to do more but to want less. This isn’t suggesting that you should throw out all of your standards. Rather, you want to properly calibrate your expectations and be more realistic. Savor having enough.

The “demand less” strategy will appeal to those who realize how their own interpretation or evaluation of their partner’s actions or their own rules for the relationship impact their happiness. For example, seeing a partner’s occasional moodiness as a deal breaker or believing couples in good relationships don’t fight are both counterproductive.

The key to this approach is to realize that, as Hamlet said, “…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” In other words, the problem may not be the relationship, but your perspective. Learning more about what makes relationships work will help.

• Soulmate solution? Everyone loves a little romance in their relationship. There are few things more romantic than soulmates. However, seeing your partner as a soulmate can force them to live up to a nearly impossible standard. That’s because no one is really that flawless. Soulmates are allegedly your perfect match—the one person who is best suited for you, the person you’re destined to be with (Knee & Petty, 2013). When your partner inevitably falls short of soulmate-worthy performance, you’re left with doubt. Now you may wonder if this is the right relationship, the right partner, and your relationship may feel like a fraud. All for potentially nothing. It’s unfair. The fact is, soulmates are more mythical than magical. Ditch the impossible standards.
• Manage expectations. In the movie “Up in the Air,” Anna Kendrick’s character, Natalie, has an extensive and oddly specific list of what she wants in a partner and self-righteously proclaims, “I just don’t want to settle.” Vera Farmiga’s more experienced character, Alex, explains that not checking every box on a partner wish list isn’t a failure. Unrealistic expectations, however, will absolutely fail you because they set your partner and your relationship up for constant disappointment. Instead, demand less by realizing you’re not perfect, which makes it perfectly reasonable that you’re partner isn’t either. Having exceedingly high expectations and always wanting more can result in not appreciating the great partner you have.
• Don’t go looking for problems. Even if your expectations are properly calibrated, you may still be overly critical of your partner and relationship. We have a natural negativity bias that encourages us to pay more attention to the bad aspects of an experience (Rozin & Royzman, 2001). One way that happens is by engaging in “problemicity” or finding problems where they don’t exist. In fact, research suggests that when your relationship doesn’t have any big problems, you tend to overemphasize the smaller issues (Levari et al., 2018). An easy way to demand less is by not manufacturing drama and seeking out problems.

Careful, though: Demanding less is not about disregarding all of your standards. While lowering expectations a bit can improve happiness, if you go too far you’ll surely be miserable. Go far enough and the world’s worst relationship may seem acceptable. Ultimately, the best standards and expectations are reasonable and realistic.

3. Better Appreciate What You Have

Good news: The best fixes are sometimes the simplest ones. If finding time to “do more” feels impossible and your expectations are honestly fair, you may think, “Now what?” Well, you can use perhaps the easiest strategy of them all: Cherish your current relationship. Alan Kay said, “A change of perspective is worth 80 IQ points.” Wise words. Time to get wiser about your love life.

• Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Sometimes relationship improvement is as simple as being more thankful for what you already have. Take stock of everything about your relationship that is easy, comfortable, uncomplicated, stable, and predictable. We take so much for granted in our relationship, but especially these basic building blocks. But they are each fundamental to your relationship’s success. Something as simple as expressing gratitude about them (or other positive aspects of your relationship) improves relationship quality (Algoe et al., 2013).
• Celebrate the positives. It’s also OK to take that appreciation one step further by doing even more to highlight the good parts. Researchers call this capitalization and find that savoring the good news and positive moments in a relationship boosts individual partners’ well-being and self-esteem (Gable & Reis, 2010). Capitalization also increases the relationship’s closeness, satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment. Ultimately, good relationships have a lot more positives than negatives. We have to take the time to notice.
• Use your illusions. Now you may wonder if you can take all this gratitude and positivity too far. What if your partner and relationship really aren’t as great as you’re making it seem? What if you’re wrong, or worse, lying to yourself? That’s OK. In fact, holding positive illusions, whereby you see your relationship as better than it is, actually helps the relationship (Murray et al., 1996). Our overly generous assessments give our partner a goal to aim for that encourages their improvement (e.g., “My partner thinks I’m really wonderful, so I better make sure I am so they’re not disappointed.”), which ultimately benefits the relationship.

What’s Best?

Which of these three strategies is best? Whichever one you’re most likely to actually use. That comes down to how you prefer to tackle problems.

• If you’re action-oriented, do more.
• Can you be a bit picky, judgmental, or hard to please? Demand less.
• If you feel like you simply need to take a step back and reevaluate, take a moment to better appreciate what you have.

Pick the one that’s going to let you get started right away. Once you put that into effect, you’ll build some positive momentum that you can use to add other strategies. Mix and match, or stick with the one that works best. The only thing that matters is that you’re working to improve your relationship. Its future is too important to do anything else.

Facebook image: Drazen Zigic/Shutterstock

References

Algoe, S. B., Fredrickson, B. L., & Gable, S. L. (2013). The social functions of the emotion of gratitude via expression. Emotion, 13(4), 605–609.(i)

Aron, A., Lewandowski, G., Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.(i)

Epstein, R., Warfel, R., Johnson, J., Smith, R., & McKinney, P. (2013). Which relationship skills count most? Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 12 (4), 297–313,(i)

Gable, S. L., & Reis, H. T. (2010). Good news! Capitalizing on positive events in an interpersonal context. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, Vol. 42, pp. 195–257). Academic Press. (i)

Knee, C. R., & Petty, K. N. (2013). Implicit theories of relationships: Destiny and growth beliefs. In J. A. Simpson & L. Campbell (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships (pp. 183–198). Oxford University Press.

Levari, D. E., Gilbert, D. T., Wilson, T. D., Sievers, B., Amodio, D. M., & Wheatley, T. (2018). Prevalence-induced concept change in human judgment. Science, 360(6396), 1465–1467.

Morton, H., & Gorzalka, B. B. (2015). Role of partner novelty in sexual functioning: A review. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 41(6), 593–609.(i)

Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships: Love is not blind, but prescient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), 1155–1180.

Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. B. (2001). Negativity bias, negativity dominance, and contagion. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(4), 296–320.

Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D., is a Professor and former Chair in the Department of Psychology at Monmouth University and author of Stronger Than You Think:The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them.