Owning our older sibling vibes is a strong way to express ourselves in today’s world. Growing up as the oldest usually comes with its own set of duties and expectations. Being an older brother or sister often means trying to be a role model who looks like they have everything sorted out. But sometimes, that can lead us to stretch ourselves too thin as we try to take care of everyone else.
Embracing this older sibling thing is more than just playing our family roles; it’s about showing our strength and resilience. When we show up for our younger siblings and friends as our true selves, we change the game for what it means to be an older sibling. This energy helps us not only celebrate our wins but also encourages those around us to embrace who they are in their families and communities.
However, I realized it is our way of caring, and sometimes we care too much! I realized that proclaiming our older sister’s energy goes beyond fulfilling family roles; it becomes a way for us to assert ourselves in society. It becomes a declaration of our strength and resilience. No longer confined by traditional gender roles or societal norms, we redefine what it means to be an older sister, whether biological or not, by showing up authentically in our younger sibling’s time.
We show up whether we are needed: Firstborn women tend to be pleasers; everybody’s got to be happy,” says Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order Book. “They’re the leaders of the family; they tend to be achievers. They’re more likely to be the pilot, the engineer, the architect, or the English teacher. Anywhere where structure and perfection pay, you’ll find the firstborn.” (He says firstborn men, alternatively, tend to be controllers.)
Embracing my older sister’s energy has been liberating. It also allows me to celebrate my accomplishments while supporting others in their journeys. Whether mentoring younger siblings or guiding friends through life’s challenges, wielding this power gives me a sense of purpose and fulfillment. By embracing this self-expression, we uplift ourselves and inspire those around us to stand tall in their unique identities within their families or communities. I do have to learn to let others do their thing.
Not all abusers are narcissists, and not all narcissists are equally abusive.
Key points
Narcissistic abuse is real, but the term “narcissistic victim syndrome” lacks validity.
Childhood experiences and personality traits can influence how someone reacts to an abusive relationship.
The therapist’s role is to assess individual needs, not categorize victims.
Source: Cottonbro Studio / Pexels
With so much being written these days about narcissisticpersonality disorder (NPD) and narcissistic abuse, I have noticed a disturbing tendency for some uninformed people to label anyone who hurts them a “narcissist.” The unfortunate corollary is that some people whose intimate partner has hurt them are now describing themselves as suffering from something that they are calling “narcissistic victim syndrome.”
This term is catchy and is being liberally used in many internet posts as if it were an actual diagnosis, although there is no research or credible evidence to support its validity. Unfortunately, the repeated use of this term online is confusing to the general public, especially people trying to understand and recover from a disastrous relationship experience.
Before I go any further, I want to be absolutely clear: Narcissistic abuse is real. No one I know in the field of personality disorders doubts that people who meet the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder can be abusive to their partners. Anyone in a long-term intimate relationship with a narcissist is likely to experience some form of emotional abuse. Some will experience physical abuse as well. Many people married to narcissists develop stress-related ailments, both psychological and physical. The most common symptoms are some mixture of anxiety, depression, hyperarousal, insomnia, feelings of helplessness, and diminished self-esteem.
(Note: I will be using the terms NPD and narcissist as shorthand ways to describe someone who qualifies for a full diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.)
If Narcissistic Abuse is Real, Why shouldn’t There Be a Diagnosis Called Narcissistic Victim Syndrome?
The main purpose of a mental health diagnosis is to help the clinician choose a useful course of treatment. Saying that someone suffers from narcissistic victim syndrome is not helpful because:
Not every abuser who is called a narcissist qualifies for the diagnosis.
Not every person who does qualify for a diagnosis of NPD is equally abusive.
Not everyone who is in an abusive relationship with a narcissist will experience the same type or degree of psychological damage.
The term “victim” implies that the partner was the helpless target of abuse and played no role in the relationship difficulties. This is not always true.
The depth of the injury is often related more to the victim’s personality and childhoodtraumas than to the behavior of the narcissistic partner.
The term narcissistic victim syndrome does not in itself offer enough predictive value to be useful in formulating a treatment plan. Unless the abusive partner has been diagnosed with NPD, a therapist has no way of verifying that the symptoms the client is experiencing are due to being abused by a narcissist.
And while it would be helpful to learn as much as possible about the abusive partner’s style to determine the appropriate treatment plan, each client will still need to be evaluated with regard to their specific symptoms.
These factors contribute to the most damage:
The person had an abusive childhood.
One or both of their parents were narcissists.
The person began the relationship with low self-esteem.
The person suffers from severe abandonment issues that predate the relationship, which interfered with the person leaving when the abuse started.
Example: The Narcissistic Lawyer and His Women
I once had a strange situation that graphically demonstrated how differently two women could react to the same man with the exhibitionist form of narcissistic personality disorder. I was seeing two women in therapy who did not know each other. After a while, I realized they were both dating the same man. Neither woman knew about the other.
Interestingly, they had very different reactions to him. I have changed all names and details to protect their privacy.
Woman 1: Annie
My client Annie had just started dating Marc (the narcissist), and it was evident that she idealized him and desperately wanted to please him. One day, she came to therapy dressed very differently than usual. When I asked her about her new clothes, she said Marc wanted her to dress young and sexy. She also started taking baking classes because Marc wanted her to make him a cake.
Annie turned herself inside out trying to please Marc and make herself into the type of woman she believed would be worthy of his love. But nothing she did was ever good enough for him. He always found something devaluing to say about Annie’s efforts to please him.
Annie’s sense that she was not good enough for Marc dated back to her early childhood. It had very little to do with Marc and everything to do with Annie’s relationship with her mother. Annie’s mother had been both clingy and devaluing. Her father had left when she was a toddler. It was just the two of them, and Annie became her mother’s substitute for her absent mate.
As an adult, Annie could neither please her mother nor fully separate from her. She described herself as stuck. This is why Annie started therapy with me. Then Annie met Marc. She immediately switched her focus from her mother to Marc. Unfortunately, Marc’s disapproval and his desire to make her over triggered Annie’s old fears of inadequacy and made her cling to him even more.
Woman 2: Marcie
My new client, Marcie, was confident and self-sufficient. She dated Marc for a bit but was unimpressed by him. Unlike Annie, who worshipped him as a god to be pleased, Marcie thought he was pretentious and self-centered. Marc picked up on Marcie’s confidence, and he tried to win her love. The fact that she was not very enthusiastic about dating him made him pursue her all the more.
So, how did this all turn out?
Annie lost what little self-esteem she had. She took everything Marc said as the absolute truth. The more Marc criticized her, the more hopeless, helpless, and depressed she became. As she said to me, “I feel like I will never find someone as great as Marc again. I am so depressed. I can’t eat or sleep. I think I am going crazy.”
Meanwhile, Marcie decided to stop seeing Marc because she found him boring. She told me, “I see no reason to put up with his pretentious BS. The guy is an idiot. I know I can do better.”
So, how would the concept of narcissistic victim syndrome help us understand Annie’s and Marcie’s reactions? In my opinion, it would not add any value. Annie’s issues predated her relationship with Marc, and Marcie did not sustain any damage from the relationship.
Summary
The concept of narcissistic victim syndrome implies that there is a unique set of psychological problems that invariably develop as a result of being in an intimate relationship with a narcissist. It further assumes that there is some significant benefit to the client in being diagnosed as having narcissistic victim syndrome.
The reality is that clients are unique individuals with distinct histories, temperaments, strengths, and vulnerabilities. A treatment plan will depend on the client’s symptoms and issues, not their partner’s diagnosis.
As an author and advocate for survivors of domestic violence, I’ve learned a lot about the predictable patterns of unhealthy relationships. After years of personal experiences, research, and outreach, I’ve learned to recognize the tell-tale signs of abuse. I am not a licensed therapist, social worker, police officer, or minister.
I also recognize that multiple families are grieving, and I have tremendous empathy for everyone involved. However, many survivors will resonate with at least some of the following insights, and I’m hoping we can use this tragedy to shift the way we as a culture approach the complicated issue of domestic abuse.
Let’s Examine 30 Important Lessons This Couple Teaches Us:
1. Followers on social media saw a smiling, happy couple, full of love and wanderlust, setting out for a cross-country adventure while documenting all the joys of young life. In many cases, targets become very good at smiling through the pain.
2. When the public was shown body camera footage captured by Moab City Police officer Daniel Robbins, (who pulled Laundrie and Petito over after the 911 call on August 12), some viewers assumed Petito was suffering from mental illness and Laundrie, while nervous, was the steadier of the two.
3. Other viewers assumed both partners were equally at fault — the old “it takes two” myth that doesn’t really apply to most abusive situations.
4. Some people even assumed Petito was the abuser and Laundrie was the victim.
5. These three assumptions probably crossed everyone’s mind as a possibility (they did mine). Healthy-minded people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt, especially when someone is being accused of a negative act. Also, we can all understand that mental illness is a difficult situation and can tax even the kindest most gentle of souls (and the people who love them). Unfortunately, in many cases, this thought pattern leads us to assume the victim is mentally ill or that the victim is to blame for an altercation.
6. “Victim blaming” can happen even in the worst cases of abuse because we don’t see the longitudinal story unfolding. What we don’t see is that the target has managed to keep things together until she reached her threshold, at which time we may see her crying, yelling, or breaking down emotionally. By exhibiting those behaviors, many might assume the target is “crazy,” and it’s natural for us to feel as if the more stable person is more trustworthy.
7. If we listen carefully to Laundrie’s conversation with the officers, he even laughs and says, “She’s crazy.” (17.09) Then he dismisses it as a joke. Of course, he’s already put this claim in the officers’ minds (and by the nonchalant way he says it, many might assume it’s not the first time he’s said these words.)
8. So while viewers (and officers) start wondering if perhaps the target is “crazy,” the abuser plays the part of the poor, patient partner who has to deal with this irrational person. In the video, Laundrie mentions Petito’s anxiety and her OCD, painting her as an unstable partner. (Please note: I’m not at all justifying any physical violence against either party. No one should intentionally harm any other person. Period.
9. A typical abuser would be skilled at convincing people that he’s innocent, while in fact he’s been acting very differently behind closed doors, pushing his target to this point intentionally and feeding on her emotional break. Many abusers LOVE to see evidence that they’ve hurt their target. They LOVE to see their target in pain. For this reason, “breaking” the target is usually the goal from the start. In cases of abuse, it may take an abuser hours, weeks, months, or even years to break the target, but he won’t stop until he gets that reaction, and then he’ll point the finger and say, “See? She’s crazy. I’m just trying to keep her calm.” And then he’ll do it again. And again. And again.
10. As a result, some people will buy into that false narrative. Even the target can be brainwashed to doubt her own truth. Which may be one reason we see Petito making many excuses for Laundrie’s behavior and taking the blame for everything.
11. In contrast, we see Laundrie blaming Petito, insisting he never hit her, and saying he was just trying to keep her calm. He’s charming. He comes across as a loving and loyal partner. He’s joking around with the officers and even gives one a fist bump in the end. All the while, his fiancée is at risk of being charged with domestic assault and possibly spending the night in jail.
12. Later, we’ll hear the 911 recording that (it seems) the responding officers were not fully informed of at the time: “I’d like to report a domestic dispute.” The 49-second audio recording continues as the caller says, “The gentleman was slapping the girl.” When the dispatcher asks him to confirm that the man was slapping the girl, the caller responds, “Yes, and then we stopped, they ran up and down the sidewalk, he proceeded to hit her, hopped in the car, and they drove off.”
13. But long before the 911 call was made public, many survivors could already see through the spin playing out on the video footage. They easily recognized the “red flags” because these cycles become the norm for victims of long-standing abuse. Many targets eventually become conditioned to believe everything the abuser does is her fault. Covering for the abuser, accepting all the blame, trying harder to make the abuser happy—this warped reality becomes the only truth a target knows.
14. Also, it seems clear that Petito doesn’t want her fiancé to be in any trouble. She’d rather pay the price and protect the man she loves. And because she probably believes he only acted this way because of her mood/behaviors/anxiety/OCD/job, she doesn’t want him to be blamed. This is also the norm in abusive relationships.
15. Many experienced and well-trained officers see right through this typical pattern. Others buy the cover-up story. And, sadly, because some officers are also abusers, some side with the abuser even when they know exactly what’s going on. Throughout the video, we get the sense that Officer Robbins senses there’s more to the story.
16. I credit the police in Petito’s situation, especially Officer Robbins. The four responding officers (two of whom were park rangers) remained calm, they separated the couple, interviewed them individually, split them up for the night, consulted the domestic violence shelter … many would say they did everything right considering the information they had at the time.
17. I imagine the officers involved may be suffering from tremendous guilt and wondering if they could have prevented Petito’s death, but I want to give credit to the officers in this case. While it’s easy to look back and say maybe they should have handled things differently, knowing what we now know, I was impressed with how well they treated both Laundrie and Petito (and, sadly, I was thinking how rare it is to see that level of respect and professionalism in most cases of domestic violence, particularly in the South where I’ve been most involved with survivors’ stories.)
18. After Petito was reported missing, many people expressed shock in response to the Laundrie family’s refusal to cooperate early in the investigation. Petito reportedly lived with the Laundrie family for more than a year. Anyone can see that this family will do anything to protect their son, even at the cost of an innocent young woman who was a real part of their family and soon to be their daughter-in-law. While most of us can certainly understand parents wanting to protect their son, most would agree they crossed a moral line when his fiancée went missing.
19. But perhaps it goes deeper than that. Perhaps what we’re seeing is a system of enablers who not only allowed their son to abuse Petito (which may have been a factor in her reported anxiety) but also a system of gaslighters who may have always been shifting the truth to keep Petito confused and make her believe she was the problem.
20. It’s not a far stretch to assume Petito was caught in a system of abuse. And once a target is caught in that psychological web, it’s extremely difficult to see a way out. Reality becomes flipped.
21. It’s also worth noting that Petito and Laundrie had been involved in various levels of a relationship since their teens. This is also commonly observed in dysfunctional partnerships.
22. These immature relationships work beautifully when both partners grow together and mature emotionally. But when one wants to keep the other down, naïve, and under his control … and the other is growing, learning, and maturing … it doesn’t work.
23. We hear Petito tell the officer that Laundrie didn’t think she could succeed with her travel blog (3.25). It seems clear that he didn’t believe in her and that he was trying to make her doubt herself.
24. Throughout the conversation, he implies that he locked her out of the van because she wouldn’t calm down. But when we listen to the full video, it seems he was upset because they’d spent too much time at the coffee shop with her working on her website when he wanted to go hiking. This suggests that because she wasn’t in the van when he was ready to leave, he lost his temper.
25. In the moments that followed, the altercation became physical. Reportedly, Laundrie squeezed Petito’s face with his hand, cut her down verbally, and criticized her.
26. Some would argue that this escalating abuse typically persists until the target reacts emotionally and/or physically. If this case follows the norm, Laundrie may have been trying to break her spirit, intentionally
27. Why? Again, if this case follows the typical situation, it would likely be because Petito’s focus wasn’t 100% on Laundrie. She had found this new job she enjoyed. She was succeeding at it, and it was allowing her to connect with other people. (Remember, she’d already left her job as a nutritionist to travel around the country with Laundrie.)
28. In a healthy relationship, the new job might be considered a positive opportunity for Petito. Especially considering Laundrie admits they have very little money (not even enough to afford a hotel room to prevent his fiancée from going to jail). But in an unhealthy relationship, the abuser wants the target all to himself. And when that doesn’t happen, he can become increasingly violent.
29. Petito now had this one little piece of her life that Laundrie couldn’t control, so if we’re looking at textbook patterns, perhaps her blog angered him. Perhaps he didn’t like all the attention she was getting on social media. Perhaps he punished her for it. And then a cycle developed. Even though she was doing nothing wrong by building a new career.
30. The next thing we know, we have a missing person, a recovered body, a young man on the run, and several families destroyed. Too much grief to measure. And the truth is, it will happen again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, until we learn to recognize and respond to abusive situations in healthier ways.
The Overall Takeaway?
When we see someone at her emotional end during a domestic dispute, we shouldn’t assume she’s crazy. We shouldn’t buy into the false narrative given by the abuser. We shouldn’t believe the cover-up story by the target who has been conditioned to carry all the blame and shame. And we shouldn’t assume they’re going to be okay.
Instead, we should all learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships. We should learn to recognize the warning signs of abuse. We should engage in respectful, fact-based conversations about trauma bonds, abusive cycles, and emotional intelligence.
We should be familiar with terms like gaslighting, hovering, love bombing, enabling, triangulating, and projecting. We should stop blaming targets and help them reclaim their truth. And we should stop repeating the age-old myths that keep targets trapped in these dangerous and all-too-often deadly cycles.
Finally, while I’ve used the most common scenario of male-on-female violence in this article, we should recognize that abuse crosses all barriers and can impact anyone regardless of gender, sexuality, ethnicity, nationality, religious affiliation, age, or socio-economic level.
And we should stop assuming these situations will get better in time. Personally, I haven’t heard of one abusive relationship that became healthier. Not one. Not with therapy. Not with church. Not with prayer or forgiveness or complete surrender. When an abuser is determined to destroy his target, he will not stop until that target is erased from this world or stripped from her life.
And in many cases, he’ll walk away without any consequences, often taking the target’s finances, home, vehicle, reputation, or even her children with him.
Please don’t let the next statistic be you or someone you love. For support, contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. From a safe phone, call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.
Julie Cantrell is a New York Times and USA TODAY bestselling author, editor, ghostwriter, and TEDx speaker. Her newest book hits shelves October 12.
Many icks, on reflection, are just harmless “nicks.”
THE BASIC
Source: Photo by Polina Zimmerman / Pexels
The ick is giving me the ick.
In a world of trending dating terminology, “the ick” has proven surprisingly enduring. Headlines like “Three Ways to Combat the Ick” or “Got the Ick?” continue to flood social media. On TikTok, there are a whopping 191.5 million videos tagged with the term. Reddit communities thrive on users swapping stories of ick-inducing moments, from wearing capris on a first date to running to grab sweets from a piñata. (How else is one supposed to do it?) Even Netflix’s latest rom-com series Nobody Wants This features Joanne (Kristen Bell) doing what she thought was impossible: getting over her new partner’s ick (although, let’s face it, when it’s Adam Brody, it shouldn’t be that hard).
And it’s not just online. The ick has fully woven itself into common discourse. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve overheard discussions of the ick. And, for the record, I’m not immune to it either; I may lambaste it professionally, but I caught myself saying it when a date repeatedly texted me “Oi” instead of Hello.
This year, the ick was one of 3200 new buzzwords to enter the Cambridge Dictionary. Originally coined by a Love Island contestant who used it to describe the breakdown of her relationship, the ick denotes a characteristic or behavior that elicits disgust or revulsion. Disgust, as it turns out, is a real, well-evidenced phenomenon: Psychological research shows us that it has a clear evolutionary purpose. It’s a survival mechanism that helped our ancestors avoid danger, from poisonous food to pathogens.
But somewhere along the way, our use of the ick became problematic.
To begin with, the ick has zero scientific basis. (While we’re at it, the same largely goes for our beloved ‘love languages’ and ‘dating flags.’) There’s plenty of rigorous, empirical research on the role of disgust—such as studies showing that women are more prone to experiencing it than men—but there’s no evidence that avoiding or succumbing to the ick has any bearing on short- or long-term relationship success or satisfaction. And yet it’s morphed into a catch-all term we use for anything that mildly irritates or irks us, whether it’s singing too loudly or walking too slowly in public.
The trouble is that one person’s quirk could easily be another person’s ick. When we start scrutinising a person—or a date—for potential icks, there’s no stopping us. We become hyper-judgmental, vigilant daters on a constant search for reasons to be ambivalent towards someone, or worse, to jump ship.
We’re not even reliable judges of the ick. As a psychologist, I am constantly preaching the dangers of cognitive biases. We may think we know ourselves, but our blind spots are ever-present. Take confirmation bias, when we may unfairly interpret a partner’s actions to reinforce our assumptions, or thehalo effect, when we let one positive impression (e.g. attractiveness) influence our overall view of a person. Relying on our perceptions of the ick is risky business.
But of all the problems with the ick, my biggest concern is that we’ve started using the term as a quick and dirty barometer for incompatibility. If a person gives us the ick by clapping when the plane lands, or wearing sunglasses indoors, it’s often game over. But these are not actual, meaningful measures of compatibility. These are what I call “nicks”— small annoyances or superficial quirks that, like proverbial paper cuts, heal quickly with time.
A true ick, on the other hand, should be something that genuinely disgusts us. A trait like extreme negativity or constant criticism, that’s an ick. So is being self-absorbed and quick to mock someone for their words or actions. Or refusing to take accountability and being defensive. Or stonewalling—withdrawing to avoid conflict. Research by relationship psychologist John Gottman has consistently found that these are the behaviours that can lead to the breakdown of a relationship—and so these are the icks we should be looking out for.
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When we confuse nicks with icks, we lose sight of what’s actually important and our attention gets diverted to the wrong place. While quirks and annoyances can be overcome, the real work of building a relationship lies in addressing the traits and behaviors that truly affect its foundation.
So the next time you find yourself on a date cringing at someone’s insistence on saying gracias with a faux Spanish accent, pause for a moment. Is it a harmless nick, or is it a genuine ick that signals deeper incompatibilities? The distinction matters. Don’t let a distraction cause you to miss the bigger picture.
Facebook image: Nicoleta Ionescu/Shutterstock
Sanna Balsari-Palsule, Ph.D.
About
Sanna Balsari-Palsule, Ph.D., is a behavioral scientist.
In mental health, how we present ourselves professionally makes a big difference. Whether you’re introducing yourself to clients, writing for the public, or collaborating with peers, the credentials that follow your name matter.
But with so many abbreviations — PhD, PsyD, LP, LCP and more — it’s easy to feel lost in a sea of letters. These designations aren’t just formalities. They represent different paths in education, training, and professional authority.
Let’s break it down clearly, so whether you’re an early-career psychologist or simply curious, you’ll know exactly what those credentials mean — and why they’re important.
📘 The Degrees Behind the Title
Not all psychologists follow the same academic track. These are the three most common doctoral degrees in psychology — each with a different focus:
PhD – Doctor of Philosophy
A PhD in psychology combines scientific research with clinical training. Professionals with this degree are often found in universities, research institutions, or clinical practice. The emphasis is on developing new knowledge through research, while also preparing to work directly with clients.
PsyD – Doctor of Psychology
The PsyD was developed as a more practice-focused alternative to the PhD. It centers on clinical work rather than academic research. PsyD holders are typically trained to become therapists, counselors, or assessors who are deeply focused on helping individuals face mental health challenges.
EdD – Doctor of Education (with a Psychology Focus)
This degree merges psychological theory with education and leadership. It’s ideal for those working in schools, universities, or organizational consulting roles. While not as common as the PhD or PsyD, an EdD with a focus in psychology can also lead to licensure, depending on the state.
🪪 Licensure: The Legal Right to Practice
Having a doctorate doesn’t automatically mean you can work as a psychologist. Licensure is what gives someone the legal authority to practice independently — and these designations vary depending on where you live.
Common Licensure Abbreviations:
LP or LCP – Licensed Psychologist or Licensed Clinical Psychologist These credentials indicate full licensure and legal authority to provide independent psychological services. Some states use “LCP” to specify a clinical focus.
LLP – Limited Licensed Psychologist This title is used in certain states to refer to psychologists who have earned their doctorate but are still completing the required supervision hours before full licensure.
State-Specific Labels Each state may have its own variation. Some use state-based identifiers (like “NY-LP” or “CA-Psy”) to indicate jurisdiction.
Pro Tip: When listing your credentials, use both your degree and your license. Example: Alex Johnson, PsyD, LP This helps others immediately understand both your educational background and professional qualifications.
🔍 Why Using the Right Abbreviations Matters?
Accurate credentialing isn’t just about formality — it’s about trust and transparency. The public relies on mental health professionals to be honest and clear about their training and legal authority. Listing credentials incorrectly, even by mistake, could raise ethical concerns or even lead to disciplinary action.
If you’re licensed in more than one state, remember to reflect that accurately and stay up to date if you move or gain new certifications.
✅ Quick Summary: Credentials Matter
Knowing your psychology abbreviations is more than just professional etiquette. It’s how we maintain credibility, show respect for the profession, and help clients understand who we are.
Whether you’re a practicing psychologist, a student, or just someone who wants to understand more — now you know what those letters stand for and why they count.
🧠 Types of Coaches & Their Typical Qualifications
1. Life Coaches / Mindset Coaches
Typical Credentials (not legally required):
Certification from programs like the International Coaching Federation (ICF) or Coach Training Alliance
Background in psychology, counseling, or social work (optional but helpful)
Experience with personal development, goal setting, and accountability frameworks
Key Point: Life coaches cannot treat mental health conditions unless they are also licensed professionals.
2. Health & Wellness Coaches
Common Credentials:
National Board-Certified Health & Wellness Coach (NBC-HWC)
Training from programs like the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN) or Duke Integrative Medicine
May also be nurses, personal trainers, or registered dietitians
Key Point: They help with lifestyle changes (diet, exercise, stress), not clinical diagnoses or therapy.
3. Executive & Business Coaches
Credentials May Include:
ICF certification or similar executive coach training
MBA or business background
Professional experience in leadership or corporate settings
Key Point: Often focus on performance, leadership, and strategic thinking.
4. Mental Health Coaches
Important Distinction:
These are not the same as therapists or counselors.
May have a psychology or social work background, but unless licensed (e.g., LMHC, LCSW, LPC), they can’t diagnose or treat mental health conditions.
Common Training:
Mental health coach programs (e.g., Addictions Academy, BetterUp, Jay Shetty Certification School)
Emphasis on support, not treatment
5. Spiritual or Mindfulness Coaches
Qualifications Vary Widely:
May include mindfulness meditation certification, yoga teacher training, or experience in a specific spiritual tradition
Usually non-clinical
🎓 Well-Respected Coaching Certifications
If someone is a certified coach, they may hold credentials such as:
ICF (International Coaching Federation) – gold standard for coaching ethics and training
CTA (Coach Training Alliance)
NBHWC (National Board for Health & Wellness Coaching)
CPCC (Certified Professional Co-Active Coach) – through the Co-Active Training Institute
It often comes as a shock to people who have children with pathological narcissists how easily some of them abandon their children.
Many narcissistic parents have an emotionally immature worldview. They see the world in terms of “good” or “bad”, “black” and “white”, “wrong” or “right.” Unfortunately, this extends to how they see their family, even their children.
While narcissists perceive themselves as superior to all and sundry, they have suffer from a painfully fragile ego that is susceptible to a never ending barrage of real and imagined narcissists injuries.
This warped view of reality is part of what makes them high conflict individuals. They are prone to objectifying and dehumanizing other people and their children are no exception.
Narcissists typically come from family units with power imbalances, rampant denial, low empathy, little to no boundaries and a lack of justice. These structures are centered on a…
In a narcissistic family, there will be a lot of coercive and controlling behaviors. Beneath the façade, anger, hypocrisy, envy, and betrayal contaminate the ecosystem. The toxicity between the caregivers usually trickles down to their children.
Many partners experience immediate regret when they step outside the boundaries of a committed relationship. Whether due to a situational lapse of judgment or giving into temptation in a setting they should have avoided, such as a bachelor’s party or single’s bar, they wish they had thought things through. But some instances of infidelity are planned and pursued.
Dylan Selterman et al. (2023), in an article entitled “No Remorse,”[iv] studied motivations and post-affair experiences of a sample of mostly married men using Ashley Madison, a now infamous website designed to facilitate infidelity. Their sample was comprised of a mostly married middle-aged adult population, 84%-90% men. Unlike people who “fall into” affairs through compromising situations, Ashley Madison users invested money, time, and energy into pursuing infidelity.
Selterman et al. note their results suggest that contrary to expectations, affair experiences may be counterintuitive and potentially self-contradictory. Cheaters may love their primary partners but also experience significant pleasure in their affairs, with little regret. In fact, they even found that some participants seeking affairs also were actively seeking to improve their primary relationships, such as attending marital counseling. Study participants also expressed feeling good about themselves and their satisfaction with life—both factors which Selterman et al. note would seem to reduce the likelihood of seeking an affair. They also note that the lack of association between relationship quality and having affairs may indicate that cheating may be motivated by factors such as a desire for variety and self-esteem rather than from relational deficits in a marriage or partnership.
Recognizing Infidelity Without Regret or Remorse
Contrary to what many people would expect, straying partners in the research conducted by Selterman et al. experienced low levels of moral regret. As a practical matter, lack of remorse would explain a lack of behaviors associated with regret, which could make it harder to detect infidelity.
In many relationships, cheating partners behave differently, raising suspicions among spouses, close friends, and family. Not all cheating spouses run out to buy a flashy new sports car or start dressing like they are going to a nightclub. Many straying partners, especially with children in the home, appear distracted, moody, or irritable—as they struggle with cognitive dissonance. Because infidelity usually involves feelings of guilt, changes in affect and behavior can be transparent predictors of extra-relational activity. But for a spouse who does not experience remorse or regret, there may be no changes in the daily routine in terms of emotion or mood. An affair is more likely detected by time spent in secret—whether out of the house or in front of the computer screen. Because even without behavior change, secrets breed suspicion.
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When an affair is discovered, the lack of remorseful behavior can be heartbreaking for the innocent partner, adding insult to injury. How could they have seen it coming? In many cases, through examining history.
History Repeats Itself
If someone has been unfaithful in the past, prospective paramours are wise to worry he or she will be unfaithful in the future. The research by Selterman et al. demonstrates this can be true even for people who don’t have anything negative to say about past relational partners. If motives for straying are not tied to relational dissatisfaction, it is wise to remain attentive to other red flags such as time spent in the company of relational alternatives, whether in person or online.
The goal is to select a partner who both talks the talk and walks the walk in terms of commitment. This foundation can best be explored through a healthy process of relationship building over time, testing both compatibility and trust. Especially for people getting over a breakup, resisting the temptation to rush into a new relationship affords the opportunity to build a slow and steady alliance of love, faithfulness, and respect.
[iv] Selterman, Dylan, Samantha Joel, and Victoria Dale. 2023. “No Remorse: Sexual Infidelity Is Not Clearly Linked with Relationship Satisfaction or Well-Being in Ashley Madison Users.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, April. doi:10.1007/s10508-023-02573-y. the sting of infidelity without remorse.
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Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.
I want to talk about an important psychological aspect to fitness and its impact on outcomes. This will also hold true for anything you will do in your life that you are working towards in terms of reaching your fitness goals – or any goals. It’s important for business owners and educators. Literally everyone! It’s called trust. And the claim I am going to make is that low trust environments have low rates of investment.
What is Trust?
In a 1995 study (Meyers et.al) published their model of trust and how it impacts outcomes. Trust, when able to overcome risk perception, resulted in risk taking. Only risk taking can lead to an outcome. But, way back at the very opposite end of the journey towards an intended outcome, before trust, are three components that combine to form trust. If these are not in place, or if they change at any point before the outcome, then trust is broken and the model collapses.
These Three Elements of Trust are:
Perceived ability
Perceived integrity
Perceived benevolence
Let’s take these one by one and relate them to fitness or life in general.
Ability
First up is perceived ability. You decide that you have been ignoring your doctor for too long. Your BMI is too high, your waist circumference is out of healthy ranges and your bloodwork is a mess. So you decide that you are going to hire a personal trainer. You go along to your first few sessions and it becomes clear that your trainer has a great love for Olympic Weightlifting. So, they are giving you a lot of positional work. Because you lack the mobility to get into positions and lacking the prerequisite strength, you are just working with a plastic pipe or broomstick. It’s fun and you feel like you are learning a new skill. But, after a month of doing this, although your positions are getting better, your bodyweight has not changed and neither has your waist circumference. You begin to think that weightlifting is not helping you reach your goals. You chat to the trainer and they are adamant that you need to stick with the program. Another month goes by and things have started to change, but its very marginal. You now start missing sessions, eventually you stop going altogether.
I will relate a personal story here also. In 2022, I was going to an adult gymnastics class. I wanted to improve my core strength, my balance and my upper body pulling capacity. I also wanted to learn new skills like aerials (hands free cartwheels) and handstand walking. I loved it. I could not have spoken more highly of this club. Until one day when a small group of cheerleaders joined. These were 4 young ladies, about 19 years of age and aside from perhaps having been attractive, they were also already pretty great at the gymnastics skills. The same day they appeared, I was there for 2 hours and the coach didn’t even speak to me once. He spent the whole class fawning over these girls. Which didn’t go unnoticed by me. The following week, I went and I had to help out an older lady, who was being ignored and yet again, I got no coaching in the 2 hours. Guess what happened the following week? I stayed at home and I never went back. Why? Perceived ability was broken.
If you begin to doubt that for whatever reason, be it knowledge or be it their application and attentiveness, that a coach or a business can not help you reach the intended outcome, then it’s over.
Think about a training plan, many people jump from training plan to training plan. Why? They don’t see the results they want from the plan. No one sees results and then abandons what is going on. This is why deciding on and being clear about your goals is super important. If your course of action doesn’t meet the objective, then you wont ever stick to it because trust in the course of action will be broken before any objectives can be met.
Integrity
Next is perceived integrity. This one can be a little more difficult to understand, because its less objective for most people. Integrity is the belief that a business or person is operating under an ethical framework, doing what is ‘right’ and being honest. For some people, this might relate to last week’s episode, where one may choose to go to a gym or do business with a company that aligns with environmental values. I know a guy who runs a gym in Southern California and his gym account on Instagram and his own account are the same thing and he floods it with conspiracies and memes about Covid. This is interesting because on one hand, this may, for some, demonstrate great integrity, because he is unapologetically himself. But for others, who may not share those values and ideas, this would be a red flag for doing business. For me, if you are a science denier, I couldn’t trust you to use science to write me a program and understand how energy systems work. Or that in a pandemic, you would show any duty of care towards your members by following cleaning protocols.
Integrity, therefore can be more challenging to define, because ethics are more difficult. For some, they will follow utilitarianism, which is where what is ethical is what provides the most people with the most happiness, which contrasts with Kantian ethics, where what is good is what any reasonable person would say is good and doesn’t have any one person happiness attached to it. Also, the philosophy of ethics is very complex, so please dont take my two sentence description of ethics there as all there is to know about that. Basically choose a plan, a gym, a business owner that aligns with your moral compass and that shows consistency. If someone chops and changes all the time, perhaps they lack integrity and conviction. This would also break trust. Imagine one week my gym is telling you HIIT training is life and the next, I’m all about sustainable aerobic work. Trust is broken.
Benevolence
Finally is perceived benevolence. Does this person, this gym owner, this coach or this organization care about me above and beyond the fact I pay them? They show care and they show concern.
When I moved to a new city, I joined a new judo club. I ended up just getting a freak injury. I mean, if you do judo or wrestling you’ll know that injuries are kind par for the course, but anyway, I ended up in hospital, getting an MRI and had my right arm in a sling for weeks. Even now, over 18 months later, I am still having minor issues.
Anyway, after I was injured in the class, guess what? Not a single person ever reached out to me. The coaches, the owner, no one. So, I paid money to go train, I was injured by someone in the class, ended up in hospital and no one called or emailed me to check how I was. Back to the gymnastic class example: guess what happened when I was able to train again? Yup…it was not that gym I went to train in. Why would I go train with anyone that never misses taking a payment out my bank account, but when I nearly get my arm ripped out the socket, its radio silence on their end? Benevolence was missing, trust was broken and therefore I never went back.
What Builds Trust?
Successful outcomes (both for clients and for businesses) depend on trust being maintained long enough for initial risk (time, monetary investment) to be overcome and the end goal to be met. If at any point on the road towards the intended outcome, trust is broken either by a lack of ability, a lack of integrity or a lack of benevolence, then you will be unlikely to meet the end goal.
All content here is for informational purposes only. This content does not replace the professional judgment of your own health provider. Please consult a licensed health professional for all individual questions and issues.
Kevin Don is an internationally experienced fitness coach and educator. He has trained and worked with Olympians and World Champions in over ten sports. He’s taught more than 250 seminars on how to implement strength training into both sport-specific and general population scenarios and is often a source for online and print articles on functional fitness. He authored the coaches certification course in strength for the prestigious OPEX Fitness based in Scottsdale, Arizona and contributed to the Professional Youth Coaches Certification.
Abuse crosses into all segments of society, with victims of every age, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender, religious affiliation, and socio-economic class. However, the abuse is more likely to turn deadly for female targets. In the U.S. alone, it’s estimated that at least 20 women each week are murdered by an intimate male partner.
Beyond the observable violence that shapes these statistics, Susannah Furr, a licensed clinical mental health counselor at Now Awake Now, who specializes in helping targets of narcissistic abuse, warns that not all abusive relationships have to turn physical to be deadly…
Many times, a psychological abuser can warp someone’s reality to such an extreme that the target becomes suicidal or turns to substance abuse to cope with the pain,” Furr says, noting this can be especially concerning when the target is isolated (a situation that has become more common due to the stay-at-home orders recently enacted in many communities).
“Whether physical or emotional, abuse can be extremely dangerous,” Furr explains. “It’s important that we respond appropriately when someone reaches out to us for help.”
If we haven’t survived an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to know what to say when a friend or family member confides in us about such a serious matter. We’ve put together 10 things to say (and not to say) to help guide a loved one to safety.
(NOTE: This article explores the most common scenario, using an example of a male abuser and a female target, but it’s important to note that anyone can be abusive and anyone can become a target.)
If you suspect someone may be in an unhealthy relationship:
Don’t say, “He seems like such a nice guy. I can’t believe he’d ever do anything like that.” Instead say, “What you’re telling me is concerning. Can you tell me more?” or, if you’ve noticed signs of trouble, let her know: “I have noticed the way he talks down to you, and I’ve never understood why he doesn’t want you to go to lunch with the girls.”
Don’t say: “Nobody’s perfect. What’d you do to make him mad?” Instead say, “We all make mistakes, but there’s a big difference between hurting someone by accident versus intentionally causing someone to suffer. Does he treat anyone else this way or just you? Does he behave that way in front of other people or just behind closed doors? Has he ever damaged his own belongings or just yours?”
Don’t say: “It takes two to argue.” Instead say, “It takes two to make a relationship work. What happens when you disagree? Does he threaten you? Has he hit, kicked, pushed, or choked you? Has he ever thrown anything at you, pulled your hair, threatened you with a weapon, or made you fear for your life? Has he ever road raged while you’re in the car with him? Has he ever hurt your pets or your children? Are you afraid of him?”
Don’t say: “Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do about it?” Instead say, “I may not know exactly how to help you, but we’ll figure it out together. Maybe we should call The Hotline and get some advice. Let’s use my phone, just to be safe.”
Don’t say: “Love counts no wrongs. You need to forgive and forget.” Instead say, “Forgiveness is important, but right now you need to focus on safety. You can forgive someone and even love someone from afar, all while keeping yourself safe from abuse.”
Don’t say: “God hates divorce.” Instead say, “I know it can be hard, especially in certain religious circles, to consider leaving your marriage. But your vows were broken when your husband chose to betray, abuse, and dishonor you. If he’s unwilling to work with you to save the marriage, then divorce is simply a legal way to acknowledge what he’s already done.”
Don’t say: “The past is the past. Can’t you just let it go?” Instead say, “Have there been any other incidents when you were afraid of him? How often does this happen? Is there anything that seems to keep the peace, or do you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells?”
Don’t say: “You should see a therapist.” Instead say, “I’ll do my best to help you work through this and together we can find the right resources to help us.”
Don’t say: “It can’t be that bad? If it is, then why don’t you just leave?” Instead say, “It must be incredibly difficult to know what to do. I know you love your partner, and I know it’s your nature to forgive and to find the good. I also know family is everything to you, and the wellbeing of your children is your top priority. Let’s try to picture what it would look like if you were able to leave. Can we put a plan into place, just in case it ever gets that bad?”
Don’t say: “Men will be men. He loves you deep down. He can’t help it. Everybody has a temper.” Instead say, “The truth is, there’s a big difference between unhealthy and healthy relationships, and we can’t make excuses for people’s abusive behaviors. Would you ever treat anyone the way he treats you? The world is full of healthy, mature, kindhearted men who would do anything to protect their families, not harm them. They communicate with words, not violence, and they’re secure enough to trust their partners, not control them. Let’s look at this chart that outlines the signs of domestic violence.”
In many cases, an abused target may not realize she’s in an unhealthy relationship, especially if it’s the only relationship she’s ever known.
“If she’s confiding in you, she may be trying to gauge whether or not she has reasons for real concern,” Furr says. “By compassionately asking the right questions, you can help her reason through to the truth of her situation. And by listening with an open heart, you can help her understand that no one deserves to be abused.”
Finally, tell her the abuse is not her fault and that you’ll help her through this long and painful journey. Then, stick with her. You may be the only one who does.
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